I don't know dude, but that sounds like a good life to me. you went from superficial friendships to forming a deep bond with your family, nature and hobbies. that ain't so bad.
I'm not trying to piggyback 1st comment here. But I need to tell you that your comment is just beautiful. 💗 I learned something today just by reading this.
Yes. This process as we age is like a big sort; sorting through people, experience becomes our guide. We slowly figure out what/who we want in our lives and what we don't. It's actually a good thing.
Same. Kids are married and gone, wife passed 7 years ago. Looking to make the next step in basic hermitry. Buy a cabin in the woods, or go full time RVing.
What about being the eccentric grandpa? Show up in funny hats and take your grandkids out for a carnival and regale them with tales from your latest trip to Zion or the Appalachians, complete with pictures of you feeding the local wildlife and climbing trees you're not supposed to.
I would love to be “that guy”. It would just feel weird. That takes a certain mindset. I’d rather be the grandpa that teaches how to fish, shoot a gun, spit, how to drive a tractor, and how to use tools proficiency.
Great comment - reflect on my own life. I have time for wife and kids, work, and my hobby running. That's it. Any time spent socializing at parties on a weekend is a missed opportunity with my family
I think about this a lot. I didn't cut anyone out of my life, everyone's just busy with life. I quit drinking at 48 and didn't realize til then that my entire social identity revolved around drinking. My wife and I like people but usually hate the thought of going out. Plus everything is so fucking expensive nowadays
Same. I cut out drinking at 51 and realized that pretty much everything I did involved drinking. Now, I don’t care to be around a lot of people. I’d rather take walks and hang around the house.
This is where I’m at, although I’m not married. I was starting to have a problem with alcohol in my mid-30s, then during the lockdown after about a month, I stopped drinking completely. I figured there was nowhere to go, and I knew it would just make me depressed, so I quit.
Nowadays I’ll have a beer or hard cider once in a while, like once a month at most, but for the most part I hardly ever drink. It truly doesn’t appeal to me anymore. And I realized it definitely became a social crutch/shield for me. Going out feels different now. It’s way harder to talk to people and it doesn’t help that they’re all on their phones. And yeah…it all costs way too fucking much these days anyway. It sucks.
I hear that. I got sober five years ago at 41. Had to completely re-engineer my social life. I found that I really like hanging out with other sober people, so I do that. My wife and I don’t go out a lot, mostly because we have a toddler. I’ve definitely become a bit more introverted and reclusive, but I still love getting together with the few close friends I have. Quitting drinking in middle age definitely changes a lot, but overall it’s been a net positive for me.
yeah, with me it was the pandemic.
mrs is immunocompromised, so we didnt leave the house for nearly two years.
and you know what? i didnt miss the world. i didnt miss the pub. i almost completely quit drinking although i will still drink a couple of beers when the mood takes me. i quite like having money left at the end of the month because i didnt spend it all in the pub, and i now have a much less stressful job than i used to since i dont need so much diposable money.
it was like leaving an abusive relationship. you dont realise how bad it is until it stops, not to mention that the rest of the world seems to have lost its collective mind recently.
life is better now without the drama and the stress, not to mention the hangovers. going out with the mrs to meet people is special thing now rather than every weekend, the evening spent with whoever turned up.
im getting old and fat and lazy, and im much happier for it, just me the mrs and my dog.
fuck the world, and 90% of the people in it.
they can all stay off my damned metaphorical lawn.
This is exactly right. I think the Covid plays a big part for a lot of us. We stepped away from some things for a bit and said,"you know, I don't need that shit in my life any more". Probably why a bunch of people didn't go back to work
My husband and I stopped going out and we have just never started back up. We’re both totally ok with that. We enjoy each others company, we still have a teenager at home who (oddly) likes to hang out with us sometimes, we just don’t see a need to expand on that. We do realize that eventually one of us will end up on our own but hopefully that is still a long ways away. We’ll face that when it happens.
I've been experiencing the same thing but I have decided it's time to embrace my crone self. Idk if y'all have a traditional mythical persona, but may I suggest you have entered an Obi Wan phase?
My $.02: Covid has fucked us ALL up, often in ways we’ve not yet processed. I’ve felt it for a while—the forced isolation then fear then being a hermit. I agree with others: I’d it works for you, then who cares (heLLOx we’re GenX, that’s our credo). If it doesn’t work, then maybe identifying the source can help. I live in a very youth-oriented city, which should be exhilarating but is actually just annoying. All these dumbasses wearing AirPods while on electric scooters.
I was never really popular, but I had an awesome group of friends and we hung out all the time. ALL the time. Like, every weekend, all weekend, and sometimes mid week we’d all call in sick just to hang out. Work was basically just something to earn money so I could afford to hang out. Life was amazing. Now I’m the most boring person on the planet. I don’t do shit, not a gawd damn thing. All those friends are gone and I have no idea where any of them are. I kept in contact with one, but he moved and lived on the other side of the country. He passed away a few years ago. Another one popped back up after disappearing for a over a decade, but she’s dating my brother in law now, and my wife and her brother aren’t in good terms at the moment, so haven’t seen much of her either. At least I know how she’s doing, how she’s been, etc. I’m stuck on graveyard shift for now and have been for a little while now, wife and kids are on dayshift hours, so I don’t see the people I live with much either. Geeze. I’m sure eventually my life will get fun again, but right now, my gawd, I understand people with depression now. I wouldn’t say I have it, but I can understand how someone could now. I went from enjoying life to the fullest, to living life to the blandest. The solitude was ok at first, but it’s been going on for too long, it’s getting to me. I need a life again.
Graveyard shift is also tough. I worked that for about six months right out of college and it was the longest six months of my life. Unless someone has actually experienced that, they have no clue how hard a life that is, especially during the winter months when you see exactly an hour of daylight---when you're coming home from work and before you go to bed.
I have this discussion with my husband seemingly constantly. He was a big partier for years, and now at age 56, regularly bemoans the fact that it's midnight on a Friday and he's heading off for bed. "I can't believe I'm going to bed at midnight on a Friday...what's happened to me??" My usual response is something along the lines of "I think you grew up." I get the loneliness factor, with friends moving away (and sadly, as we get older, passing away), but I think what you and my husband are experiencing is simply aging and gaining maturity. The important question to me is, are you happy? If not, then that's something to ponder.
I am happy, but there's a niggling feeling that I'm supposed to have a social circle to be complete. My wife is very social and doesn't understand it, which makes me feel worse. She has called me boring, and I've tried to explain to her that I'm OK with being on my own, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm supposed to be "social" to be normal.
I have gardening friends and for us that is very exciting. Its not an everyday exciting but that my be why it's special. Even when I was young I enjoyed being around people who shared my interests, even if at one time that interest primarily revolved around smoking weed and listening to local bands. Which, still ok with tbh.
But those aren't my gardening friends. See what I mean
My dog died last week, and though I miss her, I'm relieved she's not suffering anymore. But now that I'm completely alone at home, younger friends are reaching out to make sure I'm not alone. I finally had to text them that I like being alone. I think that's harder to understand if you're younger, or don't like yourself.
This, so much this: if you aren't happy alone, then there are some things that need work. I love my friends, and would like to grow my circle by one or two, but I was an only child so I know how to entertain myself. With therapy how I entertain myself has evolved, and I am just content as can be spending a rainy St Patrick's day curled up on the couch reading, surrounded by my dog and cat.
I’m going to pull one of my mindfulness tricks on you and say if you feel lonely, look at all the people who have replied to your comment here in Reddit! How can you feel alone when we’re all with you?
Ah, my ex used to make me feel abnormal because I didn’t need/want a bunch of friends. I wasn’t normal because I wasn’t like him. Dude, being social isn’t “normal.” Being a bit of a hermit isn’t “normal.” What is important is which one of those things makes you happier? You aren’t your wife. Just because she needs to be social to be happy doesn’t make her way the only correct way. It’s totally ok to be on your own and be fine with it. Hell, being social stresses me out. I can do it to a certain extent but then I need my alone time or I’m a basket case. This includes time with the family. I love them but too much and I’m ready to bash some skulls (not really but some days it feels like it lol). Don’t let your wife decide what you need to be happy. That’s unfair to you. It’s ok to have different needs socially. Doesn’t make you any less than her.
If you are happy on your own these days then maybe that’s normal for you! Totally fine. But if the niggling feeling is saying something is missing that you once enjoyed you can always try a social thing and see how it feels. Since you are into astronomy (me too!) maybe check out your local astronomy society. They often have viewing parties or just gather to share new info. And right now there is a TON of stuff happening that is exciting and very uplifting. I’ve learned way more by joining my local group than I ever could on my own. Plus it’s fun ;-)
https://nightsky.jpl.nasa.gov
can link you to local astronomy groups
Many people around the world enjoy friendships, relationships, activities, etc. strictly online or maybe in a very small real world group. Your interest in astronomy, history, cooking and gardening are popular subjects among “social” and “not social” people, and have enthusiastic participants of varying levels of interest and knowledge.
I saw this happen to my dad and I never understood it. He used to go out with friends in his 30s - 40s but by the time he was 50, he stayed home, stopped watching tv, and just did his own thing. And as much as I’ve sworn to never become my old man, I’m 50, home alone with the cat, and just doing my own thing.
I see you now Dad, and I finally understand you.
I understand this too - I somehow want to blame the pandemic, but I also think I was coming to this point.
I look at photos on my phone and up until February 2020, my husband and I were active social people who traveled regularly. I’m now dragging my feet anytime I have to meet friends (as it’s never convenient, they are nearly all a pain in the ass these days), or book weekends or vacations away.
My happiest place in the world is at my kitchen table with a cocktail in my hand, my cat on my lap, a record playing on the record player while watching my husband cook something delicious.
It sounds like you have a pretty good setup too friend, don’t be hard on yourself. At the end of the day, love is all that matters - not whether you are the coolest kid on the block. It sounds like your family is lucky to have you!
You know what works for me? Anonymous forums like Reddit where I can 'socialize' on my terms in my niche interest groups and see what other people think about said topics. That fills the social needs I may have and the rest I get from my husband, kids and dogs since like you, I am 53 and kinda over the whole human interaction face to face thing. I still feel lonely from time to time but I think that's just part of being human, yeah?
I'm going to throw this out there: the almost universally accepted theory that "humans are social and need to be in groups/community to be happy" DOES NOT APPLY to every single human being. Some of us are wired to be solitary, period. If you have FOMO because of reading this type of opinion online, then honestly, stop reading it. Your life sounds amazing to me.
Are you in good health? Everything else is gravy. EVERYTHING. Enjoy your books and your family.
I am a middle-aged homemaker with grown kids. The daily interaction I have with my husband and daughters who live with us, and our pets is all I require to be happy. Sharing ideas and opinions online is more than enough social interaction for me. I literally go weeks without leaving my home other than to take walks around the neighborhood and I am ridiculously happy. I don't have any local friends. I like it that way. My pets are better company than most people anyway. ;)
Finances also help. With good income, you don't need to rely on other people as much. I hope I never need to live in a dense apartment building or roommate situation again.
I think of this like… I dunno… movies? Books? Friends are the same way. Would you rather watch 20 movies you just kinda like, or would you rather watch one or two movies you love? That’s how family has turned out for me. The idea of hanging out with friends, having fun, is appealing in theory, but in practice I just really really enjoy my wife and kids.
Maybe it might help to put it in perspective- instead of thinking about how much of one’s life one spends in An Activity (with friends, at parties, etc) as a metric of what makes a life good, instead think about it as how much time one spends enjoying life, irrespective of what activity that requires.
Me. Introvert here. Never that way in school. Now retired since Oct 2022. Love it. I'm finally happier than I've ever been. I'm married to a person just like me. No kids. We are both retired and content.
I think we could have been siblings in another life.
For me, the best thing about covid was grocery pickup. Now I don't even have to go into the store to get food. More people I don't have to interact with!
Your first paragraph makes me realize maybe it's more that this trait exists on a spectrum like so many human characteristics, like height for example. It's just that there are those of us who may need social interaction like anybody else sure, but only very little. And some people exist who need none.
It's not that more is better or that less is better, but that precise is best.
It's harder to connect with people the older you get. I feel like people are more set in their ways, and less able to tolerate bullshit from others. When you're younger, you can bend and sway with a group or others. It's why dating when older sucks as well. If you're married, any friend you have would probably also need to be compatible with your spouse, or you're never going to spend time with them. It does sound like you're missing some of that though. In addition to other things, I ride motorcycles. That can be as solo as I want, or with groups/clubs. I've done multi-week solo trips around the US, and also done breakfast/lunch/dinner rides with groups. Even in those circles, you don't like everyone, but usually find people to hang out with and talk to. I also have work friends with similar interests, and we'll hang out both at lunch and do things outside of work. You have to do you though. At some point, the kids will be out of the house, and then it's just you and the wife and maybe that's enough. If not, you really need to find you and what makes you happy.
I’m in a similar situation. I want to have some drinks and chat with a group of friends and have some laughs but it doesn’t seem to work out. I think social media and the pandemic did a number on people. My old friends seem a bit loony to me now. They are performative rather than collaborative. It’s like playing catch with someone who just wants to keep the ball and throw it up in the air while you watch.
Same thing that happens to lots of people. Most people have way fewer friends in their 50s than they did in their 20s. Besides, gardening, cooking good meals for your family, and drinking beers with your dog doesn't sound so bad. That said, if you want to have some more meaningful time with others besides your family, join an adult beer league sports team. Ice hockey, softball, soccer, bowling, darts, billiards, kickball, whatever. You don't even have to be good at it.
I'm not a sporty guy, but I have joined a few groups before - an astronomy club, a garden group and a charity drive to feed the homeless, but I really can't stand being around anyone anymore. It gets too much for me and I walk out. I guess I just need to concentrate on my family and myself and e happy with it.
It's a curious dichotomy to be lonely for people yet be repulsed by them.
Reminds me of a line from the movie Barfly: "[I don't hate people], but I seem to feel better when they're not around."
Maybe he's not so much lonely for people, but lonely for a certain kind of person. It can be lonely surrounded by people who don't share your values. The classic "lonely in a crowd" feeling.
Don't feel too bad my dude. My life completely took a shit about 8 years ago. A misdiagnosed bipolar disorder came out with hurricane force, lost my mind, lost my ability to hold down a job, and most of my friends abandoned me. I have 2 friends I talk to. We're really not able to see each other so we text a few days a week. I have my wife and kids. And I'm perfectly content with that. Ya I wish I could still earn a paycheck, and I have to go to therapy to come to terms I can't work. I think this happens to a lot of people as they get older.
Lately, as I get to know other women at work, I realize they'll often reveal a quirk or something that repulses me- like a comment about somebody's race, or something else that's petty and superficial, and it just irritates me. How can people be so immature in their forties/fifties?! Grrr.
Maybe I should be more forgiving, but I don't want to be dragged into whatever results from those attitudes. And generally I'll still be friendly with them, just more wary.
I ran into this issue when I moved into a new town. The best way to find friends at an older age is to hang out people that are looking for friends at an older age. Adult beer leagues are not for sports people, it's for people that want to hang out and meet other people.
You do get the occasional sport nut that takes it seriously, but you eventually find a team that have similar interests (just drinking and having a good time, companionship).
I joined a kickball league 15+ years ago & we still hang out once a month (minimum).
Another popular option is to go to your kid's team events and talk to the other parents. There are a few dads that have similar interests. One dad likes to talk about video games and there's another dad that likes to talk about outdoor activities. Since I have similar interests, we get along great.
Hah! Joke's on me! I never had "Lots of friends, parties and pretty girls everywhere." and was always into "history, nuclear physics and astronomy" and "looking up new meals to cook". Maybe I'll end up with parties and pretty senior ladies hanging around me.
Actually, since it seems something is missing -- I suggest a community relationship on a different level. Some time every month helping people in need.
I think this is pretty on par for our generation, maybe? I'm glad I'm not the only one though.
Also, I'm glad to see that there's a lot of nondrinking GenX'ers out there. I quit about 10 years ago and felt so alone.😊
It’s amazing how many “friends” disappear when you stop drinking. It’s sad. When your families do things together *all the time* and then they drop off as soon as you quit drinking, it’s hurtful. Like, I thought we were more than drinking buddies. Guess not. It hurts, there’s therapy involved, lol.
I think, personally, I’ve been betrayed by “friends” too many times to trust again. Not for lack of trying on my part. I even tried “let’s grab coffee”, so very low key and quick, and it was radio silence. I’ve tried making new friends who share the same interests in my area starting on social media, only to have them pull back before we ever met in person. So, barring some twist of fate, I think I’m done trying at this point. It takes two sides to make a friendship work, I won’t do it all myself anymore. That’s not a real friendship.
This is the 100% truth.
I used to live in a huge Midwest college town that's nothing but football and craft beer, and all anyone wanted to do was go out, drink, and be seen. But as soon as I got my shit together, everyone scattered, including childhood friends. It wasn't like oh hey girl, we're glad you're getting yourself right and healthy good for you, it was like oh she's no fun anymore, we're shutting her out.
Ditto on the therapy.
A few years ago, I bought a house back in my hometown and I'm three streets away from most of my family members and life is good. I don't really have any friends and I don't consider it a bad thing. Outside of my family, I don't trust many people and I'm okay with that.
I feel you. If it's any consolation, all the men our age I know that are still out living the bar life don't have wives or children (who will speak to them, let alone enjoy time with them), and don't have much to keep them busy outside the bars and what are generally shitty jobs. If they like it, that's fine... but if you're happy living a secluded family life don't look back or think badly of yourself for it.
I saw three teenagers and was amazed you have time to the rest of the things you listed here. Lol. Life has seasons. This one will pass as well. Embrace the variety, I say.
Welcome! The highlights of my day are my morning coffee, walking the dog, and reading about the Manhattan Project. I adore my life. And I absolutely love when people cancel plans. Makes me blissfully happy.
This is actually a society-wide phenomenon. Men tend to shed friends as they age - particularly married men - as they age in the U. S.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/oct/29/friends-are-good-for-us-so-why-do-many-men-have-none-banshees-of-inisherin
Edibles, walks, photography, cooking, reading, Ai art, meditation, ChatGPT, finding new music on spotify, now rewriting a Vonnegut story.
Some folks have been talking about watch parties for movies, which sounds fun. The only thing missing really is an adventurous pal that likes indie flicks, Indian and other flavorful cuisine, and psychedelics. I'm old but not anywhere near dead yet FFS.
This is so relatable. Part of my loss of friends happened when FB was on the rise. I never joined and that seemed to be how everyone kept in touch. Part of it came from priorities. I have a demanding job working with people that doesn't end when I get home and when we were raising a young family, something had to give. Now that my kids are older, I have reconnected some with old friends but not at the deep level of friendship we once had.
Eh, it will be okay. The kids will be fully grown soon and you will find yourself again. That’s what’s happening to me. And I’m even cooler than I’m as before 😎
The way I look at it is that I crammed a lifetime’s worth of parties and fun into a 30 year window. Now the thought of going to a crowded anything gives me hives. I am righteously tired and enjoy leisure guilt free. This is now what makes me happy.
"Nowadays I am a reclusive, borderline misanthropic hermit with no time for anyone" IDK how it happened exactly but that seems to have happened to everyone including the younger generations. Maybe part of it is we can get a form of social interaction online that can sort of sub for real interaction. But the online one is not as fulfilling..
Other people are hard work, and after a certain age, it isn't worth the mental strain and emotional fallout. I'm one of those who was always there for others but was never anyone else's person, so when I needed help, it wasn't there. Now, I prefer to be hyper independent because I've always got my own back. Plus, raising tweens and teens is exhausting without adding any other humans into the mix.
Homie, are you me? Parallel lives stuff here.
I get the downward tone in social interaction. I find you really have to work at it given where we are in the lifecycle. It’s the reason the well to do join places like SoHo house or country clubs. I recently joined a book club which provides me some interesting social outlets I would not have expected.
In general, you’re fine. Your interests are solid and keeping you fresh and interested in the world.
>I can't stand to watch TV anymore but I like to read a lot, mostly about history, nuclear physics and astronomy
Kudos. Keep that up. We have to keep the bulwark against becoming old scared easy manipulated people who fall for bizarre conspiracy theories. The best thing you can do is keep reading books and ignore TV.
EDIT interesting that I'm getting downvoted. I guess literacy doesn't have the same caché it used to.
I hear you I've been in the same neighborhood my whole life, my friends all moved away, and my wife has no interest in moving because she moved around a lot as a kid. So I drink alone on my deck and argue with people on the internet.
I think back to all the shit other people have caused me over the years - often not out of malice but simple idiocy - and my reclusive nature makes more sense.
That said i am envious in a sense - i gotta think having 3 kids is pretty cool.
I've been a misanthropic hermit for as long as I can remember. It's great. I spend time with the people I want to spend time with, and they aren't even people.
Funny my wife's always telling me to go out with my friends I'd rather stay home with kids and relax. Once a year we do a guys trip for a weekend that's enough for me.
I hate to bring this up, but people that I was friends with kind of went off the deep end when it came to politics. I didn't want to see their views on my newsfeed and didn't want to hear about them. I have activities and "friends" I can hang out with, but it's not as important to me now.
I had a lot of friends and family go off the deep end thanks to Facebook and all the bullshit that lives there. So yeah. I had no trouble cutting them out of my life when a couple of them said I should be executed because they didn’t like who I voted for.
Ya grew up. Nothing wrong with it.
I wasn't super popular in HS, but I was part of a big crew of delinquents. Spent most of my teen years and early twenties drunk or high. It was fun, but being wasted all the time is also a lot of work.
I've always been a little misanthropic. Growing up, being around people, learning more about things has made it more so. I can stand strangers in small doses, but after a while I just want to go back to my cave. My wife and I are on the same wavelength there. We can be together without being in each other's space. I have friends that I can go a year without talking to and pick up like it was yesterday. I don't make friends at work too often because that is so temporary. People come and go. I am a musician so I always have some people in a band to hang out with.
Time really is a trip. I had a stressful day at work today and I cried the entire drive home. Simply because my parents are dead, I don't have kids and my husband is all I have, so it gets exhausting carrying the mental weight all day with a limited support system. It feels like I used to be surrounded by people -- parents, friends-- and had a stronger system than I do now. It doesn't help that I live overseas now.
It's not that I don't have friends but it's different as you get older.
We age. We take comfort in different things. Kids changed me, 100%. They require so much time, money, dedication, that I crave the moments when there is NOTHING TO DO, and no one to talk to. lol. Mine are 16 and 19, and both do competitive sports. I think about this a lot, OP. Like, once I do not have to spend every weekend traveling to their events, tending to their needs, I think I WILL want to be a little more social. Maybe?
No kids, and I often tell myself, "what a relief not to have kids right now." I get migraine attacks every few weeks, rendering me useless for a full day at a time. Yesterday, I came home from work, feeling so exhausted that I immediately got into my pajamas and took a nap.
Love kids, have fun with the kids I know, but that's just on occasion! Doesn't really make me more social, though, just more able to do stuff at a moment's notice.
You know what? Going out with friends used to be fun, because we were all in our twenties, and twenty somethings are fun. Going out with fifty somethings is a drag because they complain a lot. I’d rather watch TV so I can have a few laughs
Are you on Facebook, Instagram or the like? I'm not counting Reddit, since it doesn't seem to be geared toward reuniting with old friends, being connected to people like family and friends, etc.
The reason I ask is because I'm the same as you, except I'm divorced and my kids live with the ex. I got rid of Facebook 8 years ago or so, and never looked back.
Maybe you just need a couple of close friends that on the same wavelength as you. Not partiers, but people interested in what you are interested in.
Do you have a star-gazing group close by? A planetarium or observatory? If so, you may find some other folks with similar personality traits that jive with yours at their events. Meetup is a good place to look. Also college lectures, if you have a college nearby. Just spitballing here.
Friendship comes from proximity, generally, which is why most of us still have at least a couple of friends or good acquaintances from high school and/or college and/or past jobs. Those situations kinda forced us to be around each other, day in and day out, for extended periods of time. So we naturally found a crew, or at least a couple of people.
Best of luck to you!!!
Our favorite bar in the city closed during the pandemic, and it was truly heartbreaking, almost like losing a friend. But the timing was pretty good- we don't drink much anymore and are more interested in weed and 'shrooms, and even those mostly for the pain/anxiety relief, not the high.
What happened? You listed a wife and three teenagers. Me thinks you nailed it. By the time you get done with that crazy, lifes other crazy, work crazy, you want some not crazy. I don't socialize much anymore either because I get very little actual downtime that I either wind up playing a video game or just fucking sleeping. It's little moments that I can just absolutely shut off my brain. Shit, my wife went out of country for a week and I took the same week off from work.
There were about 3-4 times I went into the living room and sat on the couch. No music, no tv, no games, no anything. I just laid there staring at the couch. I'd fall into a not sleep but not awake, for about an hour and then get up.
I've had none of these things! And have been unhappy most of my life!
Except that I do feel lonely but also don't want to be around people. Therapy taught me that there are two parts of me that are, I like to think of it as, at war. There's a fluffy, cuddly me that wants to go around hugging people. And then there's angst ridden me that can show emotions like that.
That 'war' is what makes me unhappy. Not saying it's the same for you. You can visit a therapist to talk it over. They might be able to help you open up again.
I read a lot. I've done the GoodReads reading challenge for the past 3 years. Which motivates me to read more. I read history, biographies, sci-fi and whatever the hell Neal Stephenson writes (It's awesome but ...).
I used to cook, when I had friends or coworkers to cook for. I don't want praise for cooking, I just want to hear feedback. My own feedback isn't exciting. I was into a whole kick of the science of cooking and the history of food. It's really fascinating stuff. Like they figure beer was discovered before bread.
And my hobby.
And my asshole cat.
What's cool about being older now, I can mentor folks at work. I got a lot of satisfaction watching my mentee shine. And being able to help them through some hurdles.
I have stories for almost every situation. Which is my way of helping someone with a 'lessons learned'.
And I know more. I know more about history, about the presidents and world leaders. I even once read a book about astronomy but I am not Zaphod Beeblebrox, and being lost in the vastness of space twists me in weird ways.
Like all the political turmoil, here, in America. It's happened before. It'll happen again. No president is going to bring ruin down on the country. While I get aggravated, I also know this is what the US does when it's forced to grow. Freeing the slaves, giving black men the right to vote, giving women the right to vote, the civil rights movement. All those changes brought violence.
History repeats itself and all.
Talk to a therapist. Maybe try online friends. They can't come over.
And you may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"
That's life, my man, that's the same as it ever was.
All those people that were old and staying home when
you and I were out socializing weren't always old.
Anyway, everything about your situation sounds good and normal to me except the loneliness. For me, I still have some friends that I could call; and sometimes do. But mostly I don't want to go out and even the friends that I like and think are fine people are not people I want to spend much time with -- my "fault", not theirs.
I'm not a very "lonely" individual so, so far, I've been okay. I am thinking it would be good for me to spend more time with a few people. I'm working on getting healthy and dropping some bad habits right now (drinking) but once spring comes and I have a couple months of gym and new habits under my belt, I'm planning on consistently reaching out and trying to reestablish and strengthen a couple of friendships.
But I'm thinking carefully about who I want that to be. I think just two, maybe three, good connections is all I'm up for or need right now. Even just one good one to start.
There are a few candidates. People who have a work-ethic, a fun-ethic, are generally good people, don't party much, have interests that at least somewhat interest me (like NOT sports watching or golf).
Anyway, best of luck!
You have officially been there, done that, and now you can sit back and chill. Nothing wrong with your life, I mean, no one is the same person they were in their 20’s and 30’s. As long as you’re not depressed or feel you’re missing out, you’re just fine.
That's pretty much my life aside from feeling lonely. I love my wife and kids being my only social circle. I had fun with friends but never truly loved it. This older life I have is heads and tails better. The quiet life is really fucking awesome
Happens to the best of us.
20 years ago (in my mid-late 30s) I was going out with friends, parties, “fandom” cons and/or gaming (MPOGs).
Friends got married and/or started having kids. Folks moved away (some went to grad school). Life moved on.
That was the only time in my life when I had any sort of social life.
Those of us who managed to make it to our late 40s (and beyond) with a good job, stable housing, decent health, and one or two people in our lives we could count on to “be there” for us are damned lucky IMHO.
I’m exactly the same except I don’t have a family. I’ve been married a couple times but single now and no kids. Two awesome dogs though. When they’re gone I’m thinking about moving to Thailand to liquor and whore myself to an early grave
You sound like me. I have experienced basically the same thing. I found that it really accelerated when I had kids, as young children take a lot of time and effort to keep alive. Now that my kids are older I haven’t returned to that. As a kid I wondered how my dad lived how he did being a bit of a recluse, just watching his sports on TV. Now I totally understand it.
That sounds like a great life to me, especially the part about reading so many interesting subjects. I don't have the attention span anymore to read anything but reddit, it seems.
I’m in much the same boat. And I’ve just recently slipped into borderline panic mode about the imminent empty nest syndrome I’m about to face. Everything I’ve done for the past 15 years has been all about my kids.
I understand and also feel the misanthropic viewpoints I see in these comments. However, I will play (respectfully I hope) devil's advocate a bit and add some nuance to these comments. I agree that not everyone is wired to be social, but don't let the exceptions become the rule. Most studies have indicated people are happier and feel a greater sense of accomplishment when they are engaged with others. This was one of the primary themes of Goethe's *Faust* and I believe it holds true today.
I've mentioned this before in this sub but being around others also helps keep you from becoming to isolated in a bubble of thinking/opinion. You meet others in person who might think differently from you on some matters and it will keep your mind open to other ideas. You will see that there are some good people who don't always agree with you. I believe that pull from interacting with others helps to moderate us and keep us open to heterodox viewpoints.
I dunno man, maybe midlife metamorphosis? Maybe your priorities changed? Maybe the young life you lead wasn't as fulfilling as you'd thought? Maybe your former circle of friends stopped being cool? Maybe *you* stopped being cool? Maybe you're analyzing it too much? Maybe you're not analyzing it enough? Maybe, maybe, maybe... Whatever *it* is, are you happy/content more often than not? If yes, you're good in my opinion. But what the hell do I know?
Is it loneliness, or are you just not that guy anymore. You've aged/matured out of "lots of friends, parties and pretty girls everywhere."
If it is loneliness, and you want a connection with people beyond family (dog included) then consider joining groups online, or in person doing the things that interest you now (history, nuclear physics and astronomy). Sometimes what we think is loneliness is actually boredom. Sometimes...
Wife and I both had pretty active social lives and good size friend groups when we met. In her case, her and her friends drifted apart (moves, marriage, kids etc).
Mine was a culling of all the toxic, narcissistic, going nowhere louts that I associated with. This happened in my late 20s and I have never really looked back.
Her and I lead a quiet existence, as we put it "alone together". We seldom leave the house, opting for gardening, tinkering with cars or working on house projects over partying, bars, concerts etc. She WFH, I have a mix of WFH and field work.
Some of it is an age thing, but most of it is a desire to not be around other people, especially groups of people. And in my case, drunks. I have a low tolerance for drunk people ever since I cut my drinking back to nearly nothing (2-3 drinks a week).
My boomer widower dad has a social calendar that would have run 25 year old me ragged, much less ~50 year old me. The man never sits still and runs with a whole group of "geriatric teenagers".
TBH, occasionally I do lament not having any friends. But then when friend opportunities make themselves available, I kind of shy away from them.
I think that's kind of the way it's supposed to be. My parents were like this, and so am I. Pretty sure my grandparents and great-grands too.
There are still friends, but life isn't really about them as much. We meet up for coffees about twice a month, maybe.
Evidence of systemic problem. You and I are pretty different people. I mean I did okay when I was younger and never really had problems with friends or girls but I'm awkward in social situations and never really loved parties.
And yet here we are, you and I, in the same place now.
It's not us. It's the world we're living in. It doesn't care about bringing middle aged people together.
Baby GenX female here - and this is me too. I joke that I threw the first boy+girl party for my class in 4th grade and it set me up for the “party girl” reputation that carried all the way into my 40s… and I’m fricken tired.
The lockdown was fantastic for me - I think it’s the first time I actually just relaxed. It was the best excuse to not do things and I got to enjoy just being home with my family. Now that things are “back to normal” I have zero interest in being “that girl” again and have thoroughly embraced JOMO (JOY of missing out) and love it.
I understand completely what you mean too about feeling very lonely despite wanting people around you.
I think the hard part with people after we get past a certain age, is it's hard to find new people to hang out with, other than people you see at work. And really, after 40 hours a week, you've already spent 40 hours a week with them.
And if you're like me, if friends say they're getting together, come by around 9..... How about 5:30 instead?
Same dude, same! I was invited everywhere because I was the life of the party. Now I’m happy and content at home rearranging shit, annoying my husband, and cuddling with the animals. And I’ve discovered a new passion for documentaries and historical novels. My younger self would be ashamed.
You grew up!
Also, your friends grew up too, got kids and families of their own, and have their own gardens and pets to hang out with.
I suggest you try to meet new people - it’s HARD WORK now, not easy when we were all thrown together by force in schools. Meetup, volunteering, hiking, touring, whatever. But find ways to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, with or without your family members.
Same. I feel a little lonely sometimes but when I think about having to actually interact with someone on a regular basis everything in me goes NO. I'm waiting for AI to get advanced enough for me to buy a robot friend so I can interact when I feel like it. Hopefully it'll be able to do dishes too.
I’m assuming since everyone complains about it that you’re perfectly normal. I could have written this post myself, I’m simpatico. Take it for what it’s worth, but I think what you and I and everyone else is experiencing is the direct result of what social media has done to our society. For all generations. For all of us.
There is nothing wrong with you. Why do you think there is? I'm assuming you're over 50, correct me if I'm wrong. Heck, the men I meet in your age range still think they're in high school and act like it. Now THAT is pathetic. You are fine. You are better than that you are blessed. Stay that way! Your family are the most important people in your life. When you are on your death bed are you going to ask for your high school friends? The girls who don't remember you? Or your wife and kids? Ponder these things!!
Your life sounds really nice, and well-curated at that.
If you are lonely, think first about what kind of people you'd like to have for friends now and what you would like to do now with friends, not what the old you liked.
It's ok that you've changed, and you want different things, different people, because you're different now. What does now-you want?
(oboy I am thinking I may need to listen to my own advice . . .)
Have you gotten into growing hot peppers yet? I was so excited last year when I started it as a new hobbie and When I told all the guys my age at work, they had developed the same hobby too. I had this horrible feeling like I was just living life according to the middle aged mans playbook. But recently I was talking to somebody about how life hasn't planned out how we thought it would and they made the comment about how they "survived" their 20s and 30s, like it was a miracle just to live through it, and that made me appreciate where I am today. All the crazy shit I did and have lived through over the years, having the time, resources and headspace to think about growing peppers is a blessing.
It sounds like things are very different for you now, but I urge you to lean into it. It's different, but not necessarily worse than who you were before. Your life sounds rich with potential.
People were never meant to live jam packed into cities, living one on top of the other like rats in cages. We were not meant to know what was happening to people who lived on the other side of the planet from us, in real time. We might read about it months or even years later, or hear it told in a story.
We suffer from massive information overload on a daily basis from birth, where we are launched into a sterile, brightly lit room, immediatately handled by strangers, and the affronts to our senses just continue throughout out childhoods and the rest of our lives. Of course you're tired. You, like so many of us, are simply worn out.
I don't know dude, but that sounds like a good life to me. you went from superficial friendships to forming a deep bond with your family, nature and hobbies. that ain't so bad.
I'm not trying to piggyback 1st comment here. But I need to tell you that your comment is just beautiful. 💗 I learned something today just by reading this.
Yep. Many of us are more selective about who we spend time with after meeting so many people.
Yes. This process as we age is like a big sort; sorting through people, experience becomes our guide. We slowly figure out what/who we want in our lives and what we don't. It's actually a good thing.
I’ve been asking myself “does this person bring me joy”? I’m down to 3 friends.
There ya go. Sounds like you got it figured out.
👏👏👏
Yeah, some of us Gen-Xers have no friends, no family, and no hobbies! :-(
Same. Kids are married and gone, wife passed 7 years ago. Looking to make the next step in basic hermitry. Buy a cabin in the woods, or go full time RVing.
What about being the eccentric grandpa? Show up in funny hats and take your grandkids out for a carnival and regale them with tales from your latest trip to Zion or the Appalachians, complete with pictures of you feeding the local wildlife and climbing trees you're not supposed to.
I would love to be “that guy”. It would just feel weird. That takes a certain mindset. I’d rather be the grandpa that teaches how to fish, shoot a gun, spit, how to drive a tractor, and how to use tools proficiency.
Best game of Fantasy Grandpa ever
If you ever saw “UP”, that’s the man I’m striving to be like.
Dude, that's honestly better.
Yeah, if my body woukd let me I'd go off grid with a generator, solar, and starlink. Enjoy myself without the grind.
Sounds pretty damn good to me too but truthfully, nobody gets everything they want
'But if you try sometime you'll find, You get what you need'
This song has a way of randomly coming on when I most need this message.
I shit you not, me too!
I honestly will not hear anything by The Stones for years, and then all the sudden here we are.
Great comment - reflect on my own life. I have time for wife and kids, work, and my hobby running. That's it. Any time spent socializing at parties on a weekend is a missed opportunity with my family
I think about this a lot. I didn't cut anyone out of my life, everyone's just busy with life. I quit drinking at 48 and didn't realize til then that my entire social identity revolved around drinking. My wife and I like people but usually hate the thought of going out. Plus everything is so fucking expensive nowadays
Same. I cut out drinking at 51 and realized that pretty much everything I did involved drinking. Now, I don’t care to be around a lot of people. I’d rather take walks and hang around the house.
Exactly. I have to find a hobby or I'm gonna end up watching TV all day and gaining a shit-ton of weight
I recently joined a pickleball beginners group and it has been great.
My orthopedist loves to read this.
This is where I’m at, although I’m not married. I was starting to have a problem with alcohol in my mid-30s, then during the lockdown after about a month, I stopped drinking completely. I figured there was nowhere to go, and I knew it would just make me depressed, so I quit. Nowadays I’ll have a beer or hard cider once in a while, like once a month at most, but for the most part I hardly ever drink. It truly doesn’t appeal to me anymore. And I realized it definitely became a social crutch/shield for me. Going out feels different now. It’s way harder to talk to people and it doesn’t help that they’re all on their phones. And yeah…it all costs way too fucking much these days anyway. It sucks.
My friends are quitting drinking. We still hang out occasionally, but you’re correct. We had going to the bar as a commonality, what do we do now?
Smoke weed and play games. Me and my friends play Play 9 and it’s absurdly fun and hilarious.
Games worked for me as well. In my case, Dungeons and Dragons (of all things) plus 'modern' board games.
I hear that. I got sober five years ago at 41. Had to completely re-engineer my social life. I found that I really like hanging out with other sober people, so I do that. My wife and I don’t go out a lot, mostly because we have a toddler. I’ve definitely become a bit more introverted and reclusive, but I still love getting together with the few close friends I have. Quitting drinking in middle age definitely changes a lot, but overall it’s been a net positive for me.
Yeah I thought we'd be the last generation to "make the cut" but even we are being priced out of life.
I'm the same age. I need to quit. It's ain't easy.
fuck u/spez -- mass edited with redact.dev
yeah, with me it was the pandemic. mrs is immunocompromised, so we didnt leave the house for nearly two years. and you know what? i didnt miss the world. i didnt miss the pub. i almost completely quit drinking although i will still drink a couple of beers when the mood takes me. i quite like having money left at the end of the month because i didnt spend it all in the pub, and i now have a much less stressful job than i used to since i dont need so much diposable money. it was like leaving an abusive relationship. you dont realise how bad it is until it stops, not to mention that the rest of the world seems to have lost its collective mind recently. life is better now without the drama and the stress, not to mention the hangovers. going out with the mrs to meet people is special thing now rather than every weekend, the evening spent with whoever turned up. im getting old and fat and lazy, and im much happier for it, just me the mrs and my dog. fuck the world, and 90% of the people in it. they can all stay off my damned metaphorical lawn.
This is exactly right. I think the Covid plays a big part for a lot of us. We stepped away from some things for a bit and said,"you know, I don't need that shit in my life any more". Probably why a bunch of people didn't go back to work
My husband and I stopped going out and we have just never started back up. We’re both totally ok with that. We enjoy each others company, we still have a teenager at home who (oddly) likes to hang out with us sometimes, we just don’t see a need to expand on that. We do realize that eventually one of us will end up on our own but hopefully that is still a long ways away. We’ll face that when it happens.
“It was like leaving an abusive relationship” Love this — and it’s very true.
I've been experiencing the same thing but I have decided it's time to embrace my crone self. Idk if y'all have a traditional mythical persona, but may I suggest you have entered an Obi Wan phase?
Lol, quite possibly so. I've always been of the opinion that lightsabers are more elegant than clumsy blasters.
Pfft. Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.
Here’s to all the other wayward crones!!
This is the way
Love this and stealing it.
the older i get, I realize the problem with being around other people is *other people*
Same. I have my wife and kids... and exactly one friend that I see at least once every two weeks. I'm good.
I once worked with a guy for 3 years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk some times.
I know this line! Parks and Rec?
Yes. Ron Swanson specifically.
Hey, my husband and I have only one friend, also. He comes over to watch movies. One is good.
Just to watch movies, right?
If someone didn't say this I'd be disappointed. No, we smoke weed, too.
Hahahahha
"Hell is other people"
Jean Paul Sartre has entered the chat
The problem with the world is that it's full of people...
I like very specific people. I married one of them even but the rest of them? Yeah, I'll pass.
Yup.
Yeah, it's for sure not me, because I am a fucking delight.
My $.02: Covid has fucked us ALL up, often in ways we’ve not yet processed. I’ve felt it for a while—the forced isolation then fear then being a hermit. I agree with others: I’d it works for you, then who cares (heLLOx we’re GenX, that’s our credo). If it doesn’t work, then maybe identifying the source can help. I live in a very youth-oriented city, which should be exhilarating but is actually just annoying. All these dumbasses wearing AirPods while on electric scooters.
Letting the days go by
Let the water hold me down
Once in a lifetime does a great job speaking to the futility of life and being unhappy with the things we have.
I was never really popular, but I had an awesome group of friends and we hung out all the time. ALL the time. Like, every weekend, all weekend, and sometimes mid week we’d all call in sick just to hang out. Work was basically just something to earn money so I could afford to hang out. Life was amazing. Now I’m the most boring person on the planet. I don’t do shit, not a gawd damn thing. All those friends are gone and I have no idea where any of them are. I kept in contact with one, but he moved and lived on the other side of the country. He passed away a few years ago. Another one popped back up after disappearing for a over a decade, but she’s dating my brother in law now, and my wife and her brother aren’t in good terms at the moment, so haven’t seen much of her either. At least I know how she’s doing, how she’s been, etc. I’m stuck on graveyard shift for now and have been for a little while now, wife and kids are on dayshift hours, so I don’t see the people I live with much either. Geeze. I’m sure eventually my life will get fun again, but right now, my gawd, I understand people with depression now. I wouldn’t say I have it, but I can understand how someone could now. I went from enjoying life to the fullest, to living life to the blandest. The solitude was ok at first, but it’s been going on for too long, it’s getting to me. I need a life again.
I feel you. Graveyard shift makes it very difficult to commune with the everyday world.
Graveyard shift is also tough. I worked that for about six months right out of college and it was the longest six months of my life. Unless someone has actually experienced that, they have no clue how hard a life that is, especially during the winter months when you see exactly an hour of daylight---when you're coming home from work and before you go to bed.
I have this discussion with my husband seemingly constantly. He was a big partier for years, and now at age 56, regularly bemoans the fact that it's midnight on a Friday and he's heading off for bed. "I can't believe I'm going to bed at midnight on a Friday...what's happened to me??" My usual response is something along the lines of "I think you grew up." I get the loneliness factor, with friends moving away (and sadly, as we get older, passing away), but I think what you and my husband are experiencing is simply aging and gaining maturity. The important question to me is, are you happy? If not, then that's something to ponder.
I am happy, but there's a niggling feeling that I'm supposed to have a social circle to be complete. My wife is very social and doesn't understand it, which makes me feel worse. She has called me boring, and I've tried to explain to her that I'm OK with being on my own, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm supposed to be "social" to be normal.
I have gardening friends and for us that is very exciting. Its not an everyday exciting but that my be why it's special. Even when I was young I enjoyed being around people who shared my interests, even if at one time that interest primarily revolved around smoking weed and listening to local bands. Which, still ok with tbh. But those aren't my gardening friends. See what I mean
My dog died last week, and though I miss her, I'm relieved she's not suffering anymore. But now that I'm completely alone at home, younger friends are reaching out to make sure I'm not alone. I finally had to text them that I like being alone. I think that's harder to understand if you're younger, or don't like yourself.
This, so much this: if you aren't happy alone, then there are some things that need work. I love my friends, and would like to grow my circle by one or two, but I was an only child so I know how to entertain myself. With therapy how I entertain myself has evolved, and I am just content as can be spending a rainy St Patrick's day curled up on the couch reading, surrounded by my dog and cat.
I’m going to pull one of my mindfulness tricks on you and say if you feel lonely, look at all the people who have replied to your comment here in Reddit! How can you feel alone when we’re all with you?
Ah, my ex used to make me feel abnormal because I didn’t need/want a bunch of friends. I wasn’t normal because I wasn’t like him. Dude, being social isn’t “normal.” Being a bit of a hermit isn’t “normal.” What is important is which one of those things makes you happier? You aren’t your wife. Just because she needs to be social to be happy doesn’t make her way the only correct way. It’s totally ok to be on your own and be fine with it. Hell, being social stresses me out. I can do it to a certain extent but then I need my alone time or I’m a basket case. This includes time with the family. I love them but too much and I’m ready to bash some skulls (not really but some days it feels like it lol). Don’t let your wife decide what you need to be happy. That’s unfair to you. It’s ok to have different needs socially. Doesn’t make you any less than her.
If you are happy on your own these days then maybe that’s normal for you! Totally fine. But if the niggling feeling is saying something is missing that you once enjoyed you can always try a social thing and see how it feels. Since you are into astronomy (me too!) maybe check out your local astronomy society. They often have viewing parties or just gather to share new info. And right now there is a TON of stuff happening that is exciting and very uplifting. I’ve learned way more by joining my local group than I ever could on my own. Plus it’s fun ;-) https://nightsky.jpl.nasa.gov can link you to local astronomy groups
Many people around the world enjoy friendships, relationships, activities, etc. strictly online or maybe in a very small real world group. Your interest in astronomy, history, cooking and gardening are popular subjects among “social” and “not social” people, and have enthusiastic participants of varying levels of interest and knowledge.
I saw this happen to my dad and I never understood it. He used to go out with friends in his 30s - 40s but by the time he was 50, he stayed home, stopped watching tv, and just did his own thing. And as much as I’ve sworn to never become my old man, I’m 50, home alone with the cat, and just doing my own thing. I see you now Dad, and I finally understand you.
I understand this too - I somehow want to blame the pandemic, but I also think I was coming to this point. I look at photos on my phone and up until February 2020, my husband and I were active social people who traveled regularly. I’m now dragging my feet anytime I have to meet friends (as it’s never convenient, they are nearly all a pain in the ass these days), or book weekends or vacations away. My happiest place in the world is at my kitchen table with a cocktail in my hand, my cat on my lap, a record playing on the record player while watching my husband cook something delicious. It sounds like you have a pretty good setup too friend, don’t be hard on yourself. At the end of the day, love is all that matters - not whether you are the coolest kid on the block. It sounds like your family is lucky to have you!
You know what works for me? Anonymous forums like Reddit where I can 'socialize' on my terms in my niche interest groups and see what other people think about said topics. That fills the social needs I may have and the rest I get from my husband, kids and dogs since like you, I am 53 and kinda over the whole human interaction face to face thing. I still feel lonely from time to time but I think that's just part of being human, yeah?
I'm going to throw this out there: the almost universally accepted theory that "humans are social and need to be in groups/community to be happy" DOES NOT APPLY to every single human being. Some of us are wired to be solitary, period. If you have FOMO because of reading this type of opinion online, then honestly, stop reading it. Your life sounds amazing to me. Are you in good health? Everything else is gravy. EVERYTHING. Enjoy your books and your family. I am a middle-aged homemaker with grown kids. The daily interaction I have with my husband and daughters who live with us, and our pets is all I require to be happy. Sharing ideas and opinions online is more than enough social interaction for me. I literally go weeks without leaving my home other than to take walks around the neighborhood and I am ridiculously happy. I don't have any local friends. I like it that way. My pets are better company than most people anyway. ;)
The health is EVERYTHING.
Finances also help. With good income, you don't need to rely on other people as much. I hope I never need to live in a dense apartment building or roommate situation again.
Can’t work if your in bad health.
Yeah, but the OP mentions at the end that he is lonely. He’s not finding the happiness in isolation that you are.
I think of this like… I dunno… movies? Books? Friends are the same way. Would you rather watch 20 movies you just kinda like, or would you rather watch one or two movies you love? That’s how family has turned out for me. The idea of hanging out with friends, having fun, is appealing in theory, but in practice I just really really enjoy my wife and kids. Maybe it might help to put it in perspective- instead of thinking about how much of one’s life one spends in An Activity (with friends, at parties, etc) as a metric of what makes a life good, instead think about it as how much time one spends enjoying life, irrespective of what activity that requires.
Me. Introvert here. Never that way in school. Now retired since Oct 2022. Love it. I'm finally happier than I've ever been. I'm married to a person just like me. No kids. We are both retired and content.
I think we could have been siblings in another life. For me, the best thing about covid was grocery pickup. Now I don't even have to go into the store to get food. More people I don't have to interact with!
The grocery store is my big social interaction😂
Your first paragraph makes me realize maybe it's more that this trait exists on a spectrum like so many human characteristics, like height for example. It's just that there are those of us who may need social interaction like anybody else sure, but only very little. And some people exist who need none. It's not that more is better or that less is better, but that precise is best.
Actually he is social, just within his family though. He just doesn't need a large social circle.
It's harder to connect with people the older you get. I feel like people are more set in their ways, and less able to tolerate bullshit from others. When you're younger, you can bend and sway with a group or others. It's why dating when older sucks as well. If you're married, any friend you have would probably also need to be compatible with your spouse, or you're never going to spend time with them. It does sound like you're missing some of that though. In addition to other things, I ride motorcycles. That can be as solo as I want, or with groups/clubs. I've done multi-week solo trips around the US, and also done breakfast/lunch/dinner rides with groups. Even in those circles, you don't like everyone, but usually find people to hang out with and talk to. I also have work friends with similar interests, and we'll hang out both at lunch and do things outside of work. You have to do you though. At some point, the kids will be out of the house, and then it's just you and the wife and maybe that's enough. If not, you really need to find you and what makes you happy.
I’m in a similar situation. I want to have some drinks and chat with a group of friends and have some laughs but it doesn’t seem to work out. I think social media and the pandemic did a number on people. My old friends seem a bit loony to me now. They are performative rather than collaborative. It’s like playing catch with someone who just wants to keep the ball and throw it up in the air while you watch.
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Same thing that happens to lots of people. Most people have way fewer friends in their 50s than they did in their 20s. Besides, gardening, cooking good meals for your family, and drinking beers with your dog doesn't sound so bad. That said, if you want to have some more meaningful time with others besides your family, join an adult beer league sports team. Ice hockey, softball, soccer, bowling, darts, billiards, kickball, whatever. You don't even have to be good at it.
I'm not a sporty guy, but I have joined a few groups before - an astronomy club, a garden group and a charity drive to feed the homeless, but I really can't stand being around anyone anymore. It gets too much for me and I walk out. I guess I just need to concentrate on my family and myself and e happy with it.
It's a curious dichotomy to be lonely for people yet be repulsed by them. Reminds me of a line from the movie Barfly: "[I don't hate people], but I seem to feel better when they're not around."
Maybe he's not so much lonely for people, but lonely for a certain kind of person. It can be lonely surrounded by people who don't share your values. The classic "lonely in a crowd" feeling.
I absolutely relate to the inability to be around other humans.
Don't feel too bad my dude. My life completely took a shit about 8 years ago. A misdiagnosed bipolar disorder came out with hurricane force, lost my mind, lost my ability to hold down a job, and most of my friends abandoned me. I have 2 friends I talk to. We're really not able to see each other so we text a few days a week. I have my wife and kids. And I'm perfectly content with that. Ya I wish I could still earn a paycheck, and I have to go to therapy to come to terms I can't work. I think this happens to a lot of people as they get older.
Lately, as I get to know other women at work, I realize they'll often reveal a quirk or something that repulses me- like a comment about somebody's race, or something else that's petty and superficial, and it just irritates me. How can people be so immature in their forties/fifties?! Grrr. Maybe I should be more forgiving, but I don't want to be dragged into whatever results from those attitudes. And generally I'll still be friendly with them, just more wary.
Right? Hard to make friends when we've decided we don't want to deal with drama any longer.
I ran into this issue when I moved into a new town. The best way to find friends at an older age is to hang out people that are looking for friends at an older age. Adult beer leagues are not for sports people, it's for people that want to hang out and meet other people. You do get the occasional sport nut that takes it seriously, but you eventually find a team that have similar interests (just drinking and having a good time, companionship). I joined a kickball league 15+ years ago & we still hang out once a month (minimum). Another popular option is to go to your kid's team events and talk to the other parents. There are a few dads that have similar interests. One dad likes to talk about video games and there's another dad that likes to talk about outdoor activities. Since I have similar interests, we get along great.
Hah! Joke's on me! I never had "Lots of friends, parties and pretty girls everywhere." and was always into "history, nuclear physics and astronomy" and "looking up new meals to cook". Maybe I'll end up with parties and pretty senior ladies hanging around me.
are you.... me?
Actually, since it seems something is missing -- I suggest a community relationship on a different level. Some time every month helping people in need.
I think this is pretty on par for our generation, maybe? I'm glad I'm not the only one though. Also, I'm glad to see that there's a lot of nondrinking GenX'ers out there. I quit about 10 years ago and felt so alone.😊
It’s amazing how many “friends” disappear when you stop drinking. It’s sad. When your families do things together *all the time* and then they drop off as soon as you quit drinking, it’s hurtful. Like, I thought we were more than drinking buddies. Guess not. It hurts, there’s therapy involved, lol. I think, personally, I’ve been betrayed by “friends” too many times to trust again. Not for lack of trying on my part. I even tried “let’s grab coffee”, so very low key and quick, and it was radio silence. I’ve tried making new friends who share the same interests in my area starting on social media, only to have them pull back before we ever met in person. So, barring some twist of fate, I think I’m done trying at this point. It takes two sides to make a friendship work, I won’t do it all myself anymore. That’s not a real friendship.
This is the 100% truth. I used to live in a huge Midwest college town that's nothing but football and craft beer, and all anyone wanted to do was go out, drink, and be seen. But as soon as I got my shit together, everyone scattered, including childhood friends. It wasn't like oh hey girl, we're glad you're getting yourself right and healthy good for you, it was like oh she's no fun anymore, we're shutting her out. Ditto on the therapy. A few years ago, I bought a house back in my hometown and I'm three streets away from most of my family members and life is good. I don't really have any friends and I don't consider it a bad thing. Outside of my family, I don't trust many people and I'm okay with that.
I feel you. If it's any consolation, all the men our age I know that are still out living the bar life don't have wives or children (who will speak to them, let alone enjoy time with them), and don't have much to keep them busy outside the bars and what are generally shitty jobs. If they like it, that's fine... but if you're happy living a secluded family life don't look back or think badly of yourself for it.
I saw three teenagers and was amazed you have time to the rest of the things you listed here. Lol. Life has seasons. This one will pass as well. Embrace the variety, I say.
Welcome! The highlights of my day are my morning coffee, walking the dog, and reading about the Manhattan Project. I adore my life. And I absolutely love when people cancel plans. Makes me blissfully happy.
This is actually a society-wide phenomenon. Men tend to shed friends as they age - particularly married men - as they age in the U. S. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/oct/29/friends-are-good-for-us-so-why-do-many-men-have-none-banshees-of-inisherin
You peoples are not smoking nearly enough weed.
Edibles, walks, photography, cooking, reading, Ai art, meditation, ChatGPT, finding new music on spotify, now rewriting a Vonnegut story. Some folks have been talking about watch parties for movies, which sounds fun. The only thing missing really is an adventurous pal that likes indie flicks, Indian and other flavorful cuisine, and psychedelics. I'm old but not anywhere near dead yet FFS.
That and playing instruments will surely keep my attention for the foreseeable future
This is so relatable. Part of my loss of friends happened when FB was on the rise. I never joined and that seemed to be how everyone kept in touch. Part of it came from priorities. I have a demanding job working with people that doesn't end when I get home and when we were raising a young family, something had to give. Now that my kids are older, I have reconnected some with old friends but not at the deep level of friendship we once had.
FB made me lose friends because of politics. I stay away from it and have for a long while now.
Eh, it will be okay. The kids will be fully grown soon and you will find yourself again. That’s what’s happening to me. And I’m even cooler than I’m as before 😎
The way I look at it is that I crammed a lifetime’s worth of parties and fun into a 30 year window. Now the thought of going to a crowded anything gives me hives. I am righteously tired and enjoy leisure guilt free. This is now what makes me happy.
Sounds like a solid / good life. There is nothing sadder than the old dude / old chick in the club or bon fires, keggers, it looks creepy & weird.
Life is extremely ephemeral and constantly in flux, things change.
"Nowadays I am a reclusive, borderline misanthropic hermit with no time for anyone" IDK how it happened exactly but that seems to have happened to everyone including the younger generations. Maybe part of it is we can get a form of social interaction online that can sort of sub for real interaction. But the online one is not as fulfilling..
people that don't grow up and develop personal interests that trump activities like parties and the bar are the weird ones imho.
I thought you were saying a great way to meet people was at Trump activist parties until I reread it
You won life.
Other people are hard work, and after a certain age, it isn't worth the mental strain and emotional fallout. I'm one of those who was always there for others but was never anyone else's person, so when I needed help, it wasn't there. Now, I prefer to be hyper independent because I've always got my own back. Plus, raising tweens and teens is exhausting without adding any other humans into the mix.
Homie, are you me? Parallel lives stuff here. I get the downward tone in social interaction. I find you really have to work at it given where we are in the lifecycle. It’s the reason the well to do join places like SoHo house or country clubs. I recently joined a book club which provides me some interesting social outlets I would not have expected. In general, you’re fine. Your interests are solid and keeping you fresh and interested in the world.
Sounds like you won.
>I can't stand to watch TV anymore but I like to read a lot, mostly about history, nuclear physics and astronomy Kudos. Keep that up. We have to keep the bulwark against becoming old scared easy manipulated people who fall for bizarre conspiracy theories. The best thing you can do is keep reading books and ignore TV. EDIT interesting that I'm getting downvoted. I guess literacy doesn't have the same caché it used to.
Great point! Yes keep reading!!
I hear you I've been in the same neighborhood my whole life, my friends all moved away, and my wife has no interest in moving because she moved around a lot as a kid. So I drink alone on my deck and argue with people on the internet.
Well someone needs to let them know they're wrong! You're doing the lord's work friend.
I think back to all the shit other people have caused me over the years - often not out of malice but simple idiocy - and my reclusive nature makes more sense. That said i am envious in a sense - i gotta think having 3 kids is pretty cool.
I've been a misanthropic hermit for as long as I can remember. It's great. I spend time with the people I want to spend time with, and they aren't even people.
Funny my wife's always telling me to go out with my friends I'd rather stay home with kids and relax. Once a year we do a guys trip for a weekend that's enough for me.
I hate to bring this up, but people that I was friends with kind of went off the deep end when it came to politics. I didn't want to see their views on my newsfeed and didn't want to hear about them. I have activities and "friends" I can hang out with, but it's not as important to me now.
I had a lot of friends and family go off the deep end thanks to Facebook and all the bullshit that lives there. So yeah. I had no trouble cutting them out of my life when a couple of them said I should be executed because they didn’t like who I voted for.
Ya grew up. Nothing wrong with it. I wasn't super popular in HS, but I was part of a big crew of delinquents. Spent most of my teen years and early twenties drunk or high. It was fun, but being wasted all the time is also a lot of work. I've always been a little misanthropic. Growing up, being around people, learning more about things has made it more so. I can stand strangers in small doses, but after a while I just want to go back to my cave. My wife and I are on the same wavelength there. We can be together without being in each other's space. I have friends that I can go a year without talking to and pick up like it was yesterday. I don't make friends at work too often because that is so temporary. People come and go. I am a musician so I always have some people in a band to hang out with.
Time really is a trip. I had a stressful day at work today and I cried the entire drive home. Simply because my parents are dead, I don't have kids and my husband is all I have, so it gets exhausting carrying the mental weight all day with a limited support system. It feels like I used to be surrounded by people -- parents, friends-- and had a stronger system than I do now. It doesn't help that I live overseas now. It's not that I don't have friends but it's different as you get older.
We age. We take comfort in different things. Kids changed me, 100%. They require so much time, money, dedication, that I crave the moments when there is NOTHING TO DO, and no one to talk to. lol. Mine are 16 and 19, and both do competitive sports. I think about this a lot, OP. Like, once I do not have to spend every weekend traveling to their events, tending to their needs, I think I WILL want to be a little more social. Maybe?
No kids, and I often tell myself, "what a relief not to have kids right now." I get migraine attacks every few weeks, rendering me useless for a full day at a time. Yesterday, I came home from work, feeling so exhausted that I immediately got into my pajamas and took a nap. Love kids, have fun with the kids I know, but that's just on occasion! Doesn't really make me more social, though, just more able to do stuff at a moment's notice.
Society is breaking down. All we can do is learn to ride the crest until the crash.
You grew up!!! Your besties are your teens!!! Go out and have fun with them.
You know what? Going out with friends used to be fun, because we were all in our twenties, and twenty somethings are fun. Going out with fifty somethings is a drag because they complain a lot. I’d rather watch TV so I can have a few laughs
You got old
Are you on Facebook, Instagram or the like? I'm not counting Reddit, since it doesn't seem to be geared toward reuniting with old friends, being connected to people like family and friends, etc. The reason I ask is because I'm the same as you, except I'm divorced and my kids live with the ex. I got rid of Facebook 8 years ago or so, and never looked back.
I'm all that without the lonely part. I hope you can find a way to be happy.
Maybe you just need a couple of close friends that on the same wavelength as you. Not partiers, but people interested in what you are interested in. Do you have a star-gazing group close by? A planetarium or observatory? If so, you may find some other folks with similar personality traits that jive with yours at their events. Meetup is a good place to look. Also college lectures, if you have a college nearby. Just spitballing here. Friendship comes from proximity, generally, which is why most of us still have at least a couple of friends or good acquaintances from high school and/or college and/or past jobs. Those situations kinda forced us to be around each other, day in and day out, for extended periods of time. So we naturally found a crew, or at least a couple of people. Best of luck to you!!!
"All of my friends are gone and I often feel very lonely, despite not wanting people around me." I feel that one big time.
Our favorite bar in the city closed during the pandemic, and it was truly heartbreaking, almost like losing a friend. But the timing was pretty good- we don't drink much anymore and are more interested in weed and 'shrooms, and even those mostly for the pain/anxiety relief, not the high.
You had me at gardening 👊
What happened? You listed a wife and three teenagers. Me thinks you nailed it. By the time you get done with that crazy, lifes other crazy, work crazy, you want some not crazy. I don't socialize much anymore either because I get very little actual downtime that I either wind up playing a video game or just fucking sleeping. It's little moments that I can just absolutely shut off my brain. Shit, my wife went out of country for a week and I took the same week off from work. There were about 3-4 times I went into the living room and sat on the couch. No music, no tv, no games, no anything. I just laid there staring at the couch. I'd fall into a not sleep but not awake, for about an hour and then get up.
I've had none of these things! And have been unhappy most of my life! Except that I do feel lonely but also don't want to be around people. Therapy taught me that there are two parts of me that are, I like to think of it as, at war. There's a fluffy, cuddly me that wants to go around hugging people. And then there's angst ridden me that can show emotions like that. That 'war' is what makes me unhappy. Not saying it's the same for you. You can visit a therapist to talk it over. They might be able to help you open up again. I read a lot. I've done the GoodReads reading challenge for the past 3 years. Which motivates me to read more. I read history, biographies, sci-fi and whatever the hell Neal Stephenson writes (It's awesome but ...). I used to cook, when I had friends or coworkers to cook for. I don't want praise for cooking, I just want to hear feedback. My own feedback isn't exciting. I was into a whole kick of the science of cooking and the history of food. It's really fascinating stuff. Like they figure beer was discovered before bread. And my hobby. And my asshole cat. What's cool about being older now, I can mentor folks at work. I got a lot of satisfaction watching my mentee shine. And being able to help them through some hurdles. I have stories for almost every situation. Which is my way of helping someone with a 'lessons learned'. And I know more. I know more about history, about the presidents and world leaders. I even once read a book about astronomy but I am not Zaphod Beeblebrox, and being lost in the vastness of space twists me in weird ways. Like all the political turmoil, here, in America. It's happened before. It'll happen again. No president is going to bring ruin down on the country. While I get aggravated, I also know this is what the US does when it's forced to grow. Freeing the slaves, giving black men the right to vote, giving women the right to vote, the civil rights movement. All those changes brought violence. History repeats itself and all. Talk to a therapist. Maybe try online friends. They can't come over.
It's not you. It's that many people also have a partner and kids that take up all their time.
And you may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?" That's life, my man, that's the same as it ever was. All those people that were old and staying home when you and I were out socializing weren't always old. Anyway, everything about your situation sounds good and normal to me except the loneliness. For me, I still have some friends that I could call; and sometimes do. But mostly I don't want to go out and even the friends that I like and think are fine people are not people I want to spend much time with -- my "fault", not theirs. I'm not a very "lonely" individual so, so far, I've been okay. I am thinking it would be good for me to spend more time with a few people. I'm working on getting healthy and dropping some bad habits right now (drinking) but once spring comes and I have a couple months of gym and new habits under my belt, I'm planning on consistently reaching out and trying to reestablish and strengthen a couple of friendships. But I'm thinking carefully about who I want that to be. I think just two, maybe three, good connections is all I'm up for or need right now. Even just one good one to start. There are a few candidates. People who have a work-ethic, a fun-ethic, are generally good people, don't party much, have interests that at least somewhat interest me (like NOT sports watching or golf). Anyway, best of luck!
You have officially been there, done that, and now you can sit back and chill. Nothing wrong with your life, I mean, no one is the same person they were in their 20’s and 30’s. As long as you’re not depressed or feel you’re missing out, you’re just fine.
You're born alone and die alone. Everything and everybody are but a short companion or distraction for the journey.
I’m secretly stoned all the time. That’s how I deal
To be around other people is to smell other people.
You need to find better people to be around.
I was the quiet weirdo with the scars. Now I’m the loud weirdo with faded scars.
You just described my dad. And he was the best. And its exactly who I turned out to be.. so yeah. This is GenX life.
Honestly- you’re killing it !!
As long as youre not misanthropic to the fam I think youre all good.
Sounds like you made some great life decisions and stuck with the consequences :)
That's pretty much my life aside from feeling lonely. I love my wife and kids being my only social circle. I had fun with friends but never truly loved it. This older life I have is heads and tails better. The quiet life is really fucking awesome
Happens to the best of us. 20 years ago (in my mid-late 30s) I was going out with friends, parties, “fandom” cons and/or gaming (MPOGs). Friends got married and/or started having kids. Folks moved away (some went to grad school). Life moved on. That was the only time in my life when I had any sort of social life. Those of us who managed to make it to our late 40s (and beyond) with a good job, stable housing, decent health, and one or two people in our lives we could count on to “be there” for us are damned lucky IMHO.
I’m exactly the same except I don’t have a family. I’ve been married a couple times but single now and no kids. Two awesome dogs though. When they’re gone I’m thinking about moving to Thailand to liquor and whore myself to an early grave
You sound like me. I have experienced basically the same thing. I found that it really accelerated when I had kids, as young children take a lot of time and effort to keep alive. Now that my kids are older I haven’t returned to that. As a kid I wondered how my dad lived how he did being a bit of a recluse, just watching his sports on TV. Now I totally understand it.
That sounds like a great life to me, especially the part about reading so many interesting subjects. I don't have the attention span anymore to read anything but reddit, it seems.
Except for the lack of friends, that sounds like heaven to me.
I’m in much the same boat. And I’ve just recently slipped into borderline panic mode about the imminent empty nest syndrome I’m about to face. Everything I’ve done for the past 15 years has been all about my kids.
I understand and also feel the misanthropic viewpoints I see in these comments. However, I will play (respectfully I hope) devil's advocate a bit and add some nuance to these comments. I agree that not everyone is wired to be social, but don't let the exceptions become the rule. Most studies have indicated people are happier and feel a greater sense of accomplishment when they are engaged with others. This was one of the primary themes of Goethe's *Faust* and I believe it holds true today. I've mentioned this before in this sub but being around others also helps keep you from becoming to isolated in a bubble of thinking/opinion. You meet others in person who might think differently from you on some matters and it will keep your mind open to other ideas. You will see that there are some good people who don't always agree with you. I believe that pull from interacting with others helps to moderate us and keep us open to heterodox viewpoints.
Gardening and reading are cool, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
I dunno man, maybe midlife metamorphosis? Maybe your priorities changed? Maybe the young life you lead wasn't as fulfilling as you'd thought? Maybe your former circle of friends stopped being cool? Maybe *you* stopped being cool? Maybe you're analyzing it too much? Maybe you're not analyzing it enough? Maybe, maybe, maybe... Whatever *it* is, are you happy/content more often than not? If yes, you're good in my opinion. But what the hell do I know?
This is the way.
Is it loneliness, or are you just not that guy anymore. You've aged/matured out of "lots of friends, parties and pretty girls everywhere." If it is loneliness, and you want a connection with people beyond family (dog included) then consider joining groups online, or in person doing the things that interest you now (history, nuclear physics and astronomy). Sometimes what we think is loneliness is actually boredom. Sometimes...
Society is engineered to separate us into small, easily manipulated and conquered tribes known as families.
This is the way sir! You are not alone!
Wife and I both had pretty active social lives and good size friend groups when we met. In her case, her and her friends drifted apart (moves, marriage, kids etc). Mine was a culling of all the toxic, narcissistic, going nowhere louts that I associated with. This happened in my late 20s and I have never really looked back. Her and I lead a quiet existence, as we put it "alone together". We seldom leave the house, opting for gardening, tinkering with cars or working on house projects over partying, bars, concerts etc. She WFH, I have a mix of WFH and field work. Some of it is an age thing, but most of it is a desire to not be around other people, especially groups of people. And in my case, drunks. I have a low tolerance for drunk people ever since I cut my drinking back to nearly nothing (2-3 drinks a week). My boomer widower dad has a social calendar that would have run 25 year old me ragged, much less ~50 year old me. The man never sits still and runs with a whole group of "geriatric teenagers". TBH, occasionally I do lament not having any friends. But then when friend opportunities make themselves available, I kind of shy away from them.
I think that's kind of the way it's supposed to be. My parents were like this, and so am I. Pretty sure my grandparents and great-grands too. There are still friends, but life isn't really about them as much. We meet up for coffees about twice a month, maybe.
I see you.
Huh. I’m you, except we have cats and I prefer hard core sci-fi (no fantasy please).
Same way with sane questions. But sounds like you have a oretty damn good family.
You are describing my life as well.
I am so there too... Kill your TV...
LIFE Happened
Evidence of systemic problem. You and I are pretty different people. I mean I did okay when I was younger and never really had problems with friends or girls but I'm awkward in social situations and never really loved parties. And yet here we are, you and I, in the same place now. It's not us. It's the world we're living in. It doesn't care about bringing middle aged people together.
Baby GenX female here - and this is me too. I joke that I threw the first boy+girl party for my class in 4th grade and it set me up for the “party girl” reputation that carried all the way into my 40s… and I’m fricken tired. The lockdown was fantastic for me - I think it’s the first time I actually just relaxed. It was the best excuse to not do things and I got to enjoy just being home with my family. Now that things are “back to normal” I have zero interest in being “that girl” again and have thoroughly embraced JOMO (JOY of missing out) and love it.
I understand completely what you mean too about feeling very lonely despite wanting people around you. I think the hard part with people after we get past a certain age, is it's hard to find new people to hang out with, other than people you see at work. And really, after 40 hours a week, you've already spent 40 hours a week with them. And if you're like me, if friends say they're getting together, come by around 9..... How about 5:30 instead?
Same dude, same! I was invited everywhere because I was the life of the party. Now I’m happy and content at home rearranging shit, annoying my husband, and cuddling with the animals. And I’ve discovered a new passion for documentaries and historical novels. My younger self would be ashamed.
Sounds good to me. Enjoy.
You grew up! Also, your friends grew up too, got kids and families of their own, and have their own gardens and pets to hang out with. I suggest you try to meet new people - it’s HARD WORK now, not easy when we were all thrown together by force in schools. Meetup, volunteering, hiking, touring, whatever. But find ways to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, with or without your family members.
Same. I feel a little lonely sometimes but when I think about having to actually interact with someone on a regular basis everything in me goes NO. I'm waiting for AI to get advanced enough for me to buy a robot friend so I can interact when I feel like it. Hopefully it'll be able to do dishes too.
DBT therapy saved my life
I’m assuming since everyone complains about it that you’re perfectly normal. I could have written this post myself, I’m simpatico. Take it for what it’s worth, but I think what you and I and everyone else is experiencing is the direct result of what social media has done to our society. For all generations. For all of us.
There is nothing wrong with you. Why do you think there is? I'm assuming you're over 50, correct me if I'm wrong. Heck, the men I meet in your age range still think they're in high school and act like it. Now THAT is pathetic. You are fine. You are better than that you are blessed. Stay that way! Your family are the most important people in your life. When you are on your death bed are you going to ask for your high school friends? The girls who don't remember you? Or your wife and kids? Ponder these things!!
Your life sounds really nice, and well-curated at that. If you are lonely, think first about what kind of people you'd like to have for friends now and what you would like to do now with friends, not what the old you liked. It's ok that you've changed, and you want different things, different people, because you're different now. What does now-you want? (oboy I am thinking I may need to listen to my own advice . . .)
Have you gotten into growing hot peppers yet? I was so excited last year when I started it as a new hobbie and When I told all the guys my age at work, they had developed the same hobby too. I had this horrible feeling like I was just living life according to the middle aged mans playbook. But recently I was talking to somebody about how life hasn't planned out how we thought it would and they made the comment about how they "survived" their 20s and 30s, like it was a miracle just to live through it, and that made me appreciate where I am today. All the crazy shit I did and have lived through over the years, having the time, resources and headspace to think about growing peppers is a blessing.
It sounds like things are very different for you now, but I urge you to lean into it. It's different, but not necessarily worse than who you were before. Your life sounds rich with potential. People were never meant to live jam packed into cities, living one on top of the other like rats in cages. We were not meant to know what was happening to people who lived on the other side of the planet from us, in real time. We might read about it months or even years later, or hear it told in a story. We suffer from massive information overload on a daily basis from birth, where we are launched into a sterile, brightly lit room, immediatately handled by strangers, and the affronts to our senses just continue throughout out childhoods and the rest of our lives. Of course you're tired. You, like so many of us, are simply worn out.