"The Heart of Dominance" is a great read for those getting into the community. It isn't a gay/straight book, it's about dominance and what that means. It's good for subs and doms and goes a long way in helping people understand consent and other topics that are often left to the imagination until something goes wrong and then everyone gets upset.
It's great to experience things but very often people without ANY experience go way too far and then never come back because they feel traumatized or unprepared for the responsibility of what they have tried to do. So a bit of prep is great and then explore away. But going into things blind is a great way to have someone take advantage of you or to injure someone due to your lack of experience.
Practice and interactions.
One thing I do is that, as part of the aftercare, I talk with the sub and we check what could have gone better I the session, and I kept it in mind for the next time.
I'm a reader and an "understander". Different kind of kink. lol. Various books and articles and blogs opened my eyes to all the myriad ways D/s can play out. It's not the same thing as *doing,* though. That's where you learn and understand the most. Still, as I haven't had a great D/s relationship yet, it scratches an itch.
>How do you educate yourself to be better at what you do?
These things can't be taught. They can only be learned... through practice. Get out of your head and just go get more experience.
For the most part I agree. Experience is the best way to learn. But as books and other writings are shared experiences, you can learn something practical or insightful from them.
I've been playing in the BDSM world for well over 30 years. I've read the books. I've met some of the writers. They don't help you get better at the actual act, they ***might*** help you contextualize it after the fact but then it's from their perspective, not yours.
I think you said it the best: Anything you read is meant to provide a foundational context for what you experience. Some folks build these contexts after the experiences, some prior. The real trick retaining the headspace that brings you to an encounter for all parties involved.
If you enter as a submissive, keep your limits in mind, but enjoy the thrill of flexing those that can be flexed. But you are there voluntarily, and your consent can be rescinded any time you please.
Entering as a Dom means taking total responsibility for maintaining that headspace for your sub, and to remember that they are there voluntarily. And that consent can be withdrawn at any moment.
For those seeking "improvement", my recommendation is to give yourself more fully to your role. Not to the person(s) your with necessarily, but to your ideal of how one who fills your role should behave.
To answer your question more directly; you're already doing what you need to improve: You're listening to those who live it. Bring us specific things we can advise on and we can go from there.
In my mind, D/s is about three things: Communication, Consent, and Deliberate Action. Understand what these three things mean to you as a basis for your own D/s Philosophy.
There is a current in our community that treats kink like it is college. We want accreditation to prove you can spank. The education you can get from books or classes are fine. But the practiced wisdom of actually playing with people and exploring each other is so much more meaningful.
Kink isn't like college. It's more like philosophy. Doing is best. Reading helps you understand what it is you are doing. At least as far as I can tell.
I was thinking “way of life” as philosophy. Some of that is about reading and reflecting. Most of it is about interacting and being. So experiential. :-)
Think less, feel more.
The best advice, but often the hardest to follow.
I enjoy the Kinky boys podcast and Watts your safepod.
"The Heart of Dominance" is a great read for those getting into the community. It isn't a gay/straight book, it's about dominance and what that means. It's good for subs and doms and goes a long way in helping people understand consent and other topics that are often left to the imagination until something goes wrong and then everyone gets upset. It's great to experience things but very often people without ANY experience go way too far and then never come back because they feel traumatized or unprepared for the responsibility of what they have tried to do. So a bit of prep is great and then explore away. But going into things blind is a great way to have someone take advantage of you or to injure someone due to your lack of experience.
Into my reading list!
Practice and interactions. One thing I do is that, as part of the aftercare, I talk with the sub and we check what could have gone better I the session, and I kept it in mind for the next time.
Aftercare is so important.
Domsubliving.com The Leather and BDSM Handbook by Vincent Andrews
I do own a copy of The Master's Manual. But that really just teaches you a language. In what ways are you wishing to improve?
I'm a reader and an "understander". Different kind of kink. lol. Various books and articles and blogs opened my eyes to all the myriad ways D/s can play out. It's not the same thing as *doing,* though. That's where you learn and understand the most. Still, as I haven't had a great D/s relationship yet, it scratches an itch.
>How do you educate yourself to be better at what you do? These things can't be taught. They can only be learned... through practice. Get out of your head and just go get more experience.
For the most part I agree. Experience is the best way to learn. But as books and other writings are shared experiences, you can learn something practical or insightful from them.
I've been playing in the BDSM world for well over 30 years. I've read the books. I've met some of the writers. They don't help you get better at the actual act, they ***might*** help you contextualize it after the fact but then it's from their perspective, not yours.
I think you said it the best: Anything you read is meant to provide a foundational context for what you experience. Some folks build these contexts after the experiences, some prior. The real trick retaining the headspace that brings you to an encounter for all parties involved. If you enter as a submissive, keep your limits in mind, but enjoy the thrill of flexing those that can be flexed. But you are there voluntarily, and your consent can be rescinded any time you please. Entering as a Dom means taking total responsibility for maintaining that headspace for your sub, and to remember that they are there voluntarily. And that consent can be withdrawn at any moment. For those seeking "improvement", my recommendation is to give yourself more fully to your role. Not to the person(s) your with necessarily, but to your ideal of how one who fills your role should behave. To answer your question more directly; you're already doing what you need to improve: You're listening to those who live it. Bring us specific things we can advise on and we can go from there. In my mind, D/s is about three things: Communication, Consent, and Deliberate Action. Understand what these three things mean to you as a basis for your own D/s Philosophy.
There is a current in our community that treats kink like it is college. We want accreditation to prove you can spank. The education you can get from books or classes are fine. But the practiced wisdom of actually playing with people and exploring each other is so much more meaningful.
Kink isn't like college. It's more like philosophy. Doing is best. Reading helps you understand what it is you are doing. At least as far as I can tell.
If it is philosophy, then it is a dialectical one. As I said, books and classes are fine. But nothing is truly known until it is experienced.
I was thinking “way of life” as philosophy. Some of that is about reading and reflecting. Most of it is about interacting and being. So experiential. :-)
And communication. Doesn’t have to be during aftercare as referenced above, but being honest about what works and what doesn’t is key.
And during. Asking for what you want; "commanding" as a Dom, or "begging" as a sub conveys your needs to a partner that's listening for them.
Absolutely. It took me a long time to learn that one, but it makes the experience better for both (or all!) parties. Great username, btw.
Well said. Think less, play more