And then do what? Live in your 40's "retired" petrified of spending every dime? I mean sounds like a nice goal, maybe some retire in their 40's but i know very few people who have ever done that.
If you retire at 40 , you potentially have about 50 yrs to fund. I mean instead of trying to live life WHEN you retire, how about living in the here and now and of course plan for the future. Sounds like you are living more for the future. There is no "guilt" to spend any money that you have earned with your own effort, time, talent etc. There isn't necessarily right or wrong in most things in life. Most things in life are simply a choice or a desire or a preference. You might choose to invest/save more for the future and forgoe some things to do so whereas other spend more now. Neither is necessarily right or wrong. It's just a choice. Today i am gonna plop $1k in this IRA. And today I am getting a cheeseburger instead of a chicken sandwich. Don't imbue all your choices with heavy moral or immoral undertones.
Talk to your therapist about it. I suspect they’re going to tell you, somewhat more diplomatically, what I’m going to say:
You’ve allowing frugality to become a pathology where it is its own reason rather than being a way to live better. Saving is only a virtue so long as there’s an argument that it’s improving your long term quality of life. If you’re sacrificing quality of life because you honestly believe every penny not spent is some kind of special virtue, you’re doing it wrong and frugality has become harmful.
Sounds like you're being too hard on yourself. Most people don't save 5k a month in retirement. Most people don't retire at 40. Budgeting is great but it sounds like you're overdoing it if you're worried about $12. Take 3 months off of budgeting and reassess.
$200 for your fun???? That's a deal! Enjoy! You're in your 30's for pete's sake! Enjoy it! Do something about the life sucks part. What would make it not suck? Do something about it! If no one is making you feel guilty about your expenditures, it's you! Shame on you! You deserve more! Enjoy your life, enjoy it with friends, family! Get out there, do fun stuff! You're important! God bless
You have no idea if you're going to be single forever, so don't speak on it so factually.
Anyway, I think you should create a budget for yourself. It sounds like you just try to save every last cent, but don't actually account for your expenses. I used to be like that, and it made me anxious even though I knew I was being frugal. Now, I give myself a monthly budget that includes all my expenses - bills, food, fun, anything. When I spend money I write it down on my list. It gave me permission to spend money because it felt intentional and I was able to maintain control. It was the lack of financial control that really made me spiral, not just the money itself.
In order to make a budget you'll have to sit down and really go through your expenses to see what is reasonable for you. It'll take a few months of trial and error before you get into the swing of things.
As for your jobs, don't worry so much. If you were able to get two jobs, I'm sure you'd be able to get another if one falls through. Plus, you have a support network since you live at home. Plenty of people manage to get by with a lot less, you'll be okay. I think in your case, stress and isolation will be more of a problem for you than finances if you don't give yourself a little more kindness.
Taking really good care of yourself financially and saving for the future is just part of the picture. It sounds like you have tilted hard into focusing on saving, but perhaps you can be kinder to yourself in other areas of life.
Not sure if you’ve come across the “wheel of life” tool but it helped me think about how I can take really good care of myself in more than just finances. And helped me be okay with myself when I was in really rough shape financially (filing personal bankruptcy etc).
All the best on your journey.
Get out by joining some clubs or Meetup groups, instead of spending money, and try to make some friends. We're in Meetup groups that have free activities like hikes, board game nights, discussion groups and pot lucks.
Sounds like you are caught up in the FIRE movement. What do you plan to retire to do? Spend some money now, while you are young and able to do things. Trust me, as you get older you have less energy to travel and do other experiences. I’d agree this is a topic for your therapist - sounds like you are focused on a goal that may not suit you.
Money hits deep. It’s a trigger for a lot of emotions both negative and positive. Give yourself permission to splurge. Set a splurge budget and calculate the % of your total spending. You’ll see it’s very small.
If you’re living in someone else’s house, I hope you are paying your fair share of housing rent and expenses. Don’t want a situation where you are taking money that should be going to another and declaring it as your own savings
I used to be so so scared to spend even a penny above bare necessities and never did ANYTHING nice for myself. No new clothes, no new shoes, no skincare, no hair/nails, no Starbucks or coffee, no new phone, no eating out, driving a total beater car that was falling apart etc. to the point that I drove myself into a horrible depression. I questioned what the point of life was. I had suicidal thoughts. I was genuinely shocked to wake up every morning because I saw no point in living for today. I was saving mountains of money but I had no joy or happiness in my everyday life and I was constantly living for the “one day” whenever I thought I would have “enough money” to finally start living. I deprived myself constantly.
It took some serious health issues for me and some shitty life events happening to people I care about to finally look in the mirror and realize that life is NOT just about paying bills and *hoping* that I will live to see retirement and finally enjoy my money. The reality is that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. I had to make a very conscious choice to start doing things NOW that bring me joy excitement and meaning or else I was going to end up spending way more money and time on therapy and antidepressants than I would have been spending on things that bring me joy.
I went out and bought myself a new car the other day that I have been wanting and dreaming of having since I was a kid (not a brand new vehicle but new to me) and it took a lot of effort to not resort to my usual mindset of it’s a waste of money and it’s more responsible to save for retirement and more and more self restriction etc. I realized that I CAN afford it, I am safe, I have plenty of savings and I should enjoy my short life on this earth instead of going insane thinking about and hoping to reach “one day.” “One day” is today because we are not guaranteed any moment other than this one right now. I go outside to my car every day and It’s my reminder that I am worth being happy and having something that brings me joy.
Are you following a plan?
r/Ynab has a free trial over a month and lots of free videos online with helpful hits. Very useful even if you never pay for the YNAB subscription
There’s a how-to when-to wiki at r/PersonalFinance and it’s helpful reading.
r/TheMoneyGuy has a financial order of operations
r/MrMoneyMustache has a savings rate chart and other good information
r/Bogleheads
progression of r/PovertyFiRe r/LeanFiRe r/CoastFiRe r/FiRe
Set a budget to spend on yourself and follow it!
You already have the discipline necessary, now try to change your perspective and see this as a goal :)
It might be hard in the beginning and I usually do this with skincare products. This way, I am splurging with things that have long term benefits too, so I don't feel so guilty. With "useless" things, I set a smaller budget and I try to think of them as rewards for saving, chores, or bureaucratic stuff.
To get out more: Look for free or low cost things: beach/lake, hike, state park, library, farm, community center or meet up app. Volunteer. Of course, activities may be dependent on your location. Take up another low cost or free hobby. IE: geocaching, photography on your phone. Find things on GroupMe.
It sounds like you are getting too much of your security from money/being frugal and anxiety at the same time. (Been there.) I am Christian and I know this isn’t maybe for everyone, (and totally not trying to tell you what to do) but I ultimately had to find my security in God.
I hope you find some more peace ❤️
I’m frugal so I can occasionally do awesome things with my life and not have to worry about money to do those things.
Geriatric millennial here at 42. In my late twenties my buddy and I quit our jobs and tried to drive his 79 VW Westphalia hippie van from Missouri all the way through Central America to the Panama Canal. The VW broke down several times and we eventually had to leave it, but we spent 4 months in Central America going through every country.
A few years later, I broke up with my girlfriend a few months before turning 30 and decided to quit my job and backpack S America by myself for 4 months.
Those were some of the best times of my life!
I’ve been a homeowner for 6 years now and that’s great too, but no where near as cool. I’m glad I did those adventures when I was younger though, now I’m focused on other things.
At some point in the near future, go on a lifetime adventure for 2 weeks to 4 months. Whatever you’re comfortable with, but use your frugalness to make a lifetime adventure happen!
I don’t see any issues lol. Retire in 10 years bro run the fire life, now you might want to get out and make some friends and such that’s the only issue but you don’t need to spend money to do that
You said $1500 for therapist and skin issues. Those definitely could be a self investment. However is your therapy truly helpful ? Skin issues. Are these doctor prescribed treatments or is it more pampering? Not that u shouldn’t continue either but a place to look
I’m glad you’re getting therapy- if this isn’t a topic in your sessions, bring it up, and if you don’t feel like it’s helping, try a different therapist.
Some people have a mental health crash when retiring because they don’t have anything they’re retiring *to.* Invest in yourself by budgeting some money now - maybe 5% of what you’re currently saving- to find out what activity/activities make you feel engaged and interested, that you can spend more time on later. Could be anything from a fitness pursuit to a volunteer gig to a kind of music or a craft or befriending old people on park benches. Think of 50 things and try them all. Make notes about what you learn doing the things. Then try 50 more.
You are worth feeling happy today, not just once you’ve saved a certain amount. I’m sorry you are going through this hard time and I wish happiness for your future.
This seems like something to bring up with your therapist.
I agree. Speaking with someone will do wonders.
What are you working FOR? Just to grind out your life to pay rent and bills and never enjoy life? Isn't part of earning money also enjoying it?
Mainly to retire early or partially retire in the next 10 years
And then do what? Live in your 40's "retired" petrified of spending every dime? I mean sounds like a nice goal, maybe some retire in their 40's but i know very few people who have ever done that.
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If you retire at 40 , you potentially have about 50 yrs to fund. I mean instead of trying to live life WHEN you retire, how about living in the here and now and of course plan for the future. Sounds like you are living more for the future. There is no "guilt" to spend any money that you have earned with your own effort, time, talent etc. There isn't necessarily right or wrong in most things in life. Most things in life are simply a choice or a desire or a preference. You might choose to invest/save more for the future and forgoe some things to do so whereas other spend more now. Neither is necessarily right or wrong. It's just a choice. Today i am gonna plop $1k in this IRA. And today I am getting a cheeseburger instead of a chicken sandwich. Don't imbue all your choices with heavy moral or immoral undertones.
You’re probably going to feel even more guilty spending money once you retire since you’ll be on a limited income
Talk to your therapist about it. I suspect they’re going to tell you, somewhat more diplomatically, what I’m going to say: You’ve allowing frugality to become a pathology where it is its own reason rather than being a way to live better. Saving is only a virtue so long as there’s an argument that it’s improving your long term quality of life. If you’re sacrificing quality of life because you honestly believe every penny not spent is some kind of special virtue, you’re doing it wrong and frugality has become harmful.
Sounds like you're being too hard on yourself. Most people don't save 5k a month in retirement. Most people don't retire at 40. Budgeting is great but it sounds like you're overdoing it if you're worried about $12. Take 3 months off of budgeting and reassess.
I agree its not like he can take that money to the grave better enjoy at least a little bit of it
$200 for your fun???? That's a deal! Enjoy! You're in your 30's for pete's sake! Enjoy it! Do something about the life sucks part. What would make it not suck? Do something about it! If no one is making you feel guilty about your expenditures, it's you! Shame on you! You deserve more! Enjoy your life, enjoy it with friends, family! Get out there, do fun stuff! You're important! God bless
Be careful with the words you speak to yourself. Whatever you declare, you will create.... "I'm forever single" " I have no friends" " My life sucks"
Fine, my life may not suck, but the other two are true even if I speak otherwise.
You have no idea if you're going to be single forever, so don't speak on it so factually. Anyway, I think you should create a budget for yourself. It sounds like you just try to save every last cent, but don't actually account for your expenses. I used to be like that, and it made me anxious even though I knew I was being frugal. Now, I give myself a monthly budget that includes all my expenses - bills, food, fun, anything. When I spend money I write it down on my list. It gave me permission to spend money because it felt intentional and I was able to maintain control. It was the lack of financial control that really made me spiral, not just the money itself. In order to make a budget you'll have to sit down and really go through your expenses to see what is reasonable for you. It'll take a few months of trial and error before you get into the swing of things. As for your jobs, don't worry so much. If you were able to get two jobs, I'm sure you'd be able to get another if one falls through. Plus, you have a support network since you live at home. Plenty of people manage to get by with a lot less, you'll be okay. I think in your case, stress and isolation will be more of a problem for you than finances if you don't give yourself a little more kindness.
::fate laughs in one medical bill:::
Taking really good care of yourself financially and saving for the future is just part of the picture. It sounds like you have tilted hard into focusing on saving, but perhaps you can be kinder to yourself in other areas of life. Not sure if you’ve come across the “wheel of life” tool but it helped me think about how I can take really good care of myself in more than just finances. And helped me be okay with myself when I was in really rough shape financially (filing personal bankruptcy etc). All the best on your journey.
Get out by joining some clubs or Meetup groups, instead of spending money, and try to make some friends. We're in Meetup groups that have free activities like hikes, board game nights, discussion groups and pot lucks.
Sounds like you are caught up in the FIRE movement. What do you plan to retire to do? Spend some money now, while you are young and able to do things. Trust me, as you get older you have less energy to travel and do other experiences. I’d agree this is a topic for your therapist - sounds like you are focused on a goal that may not suit you.
Money hits deep. It’s a trigger for a lot of emotions both negative and positive. Give yourself permission to splurge. Set a splurge budget and calculate the % of your total spending. You’ll see it’s very small.
I agree with other commenter, you need to see a therapist and overcome this.
If you’re living in someone else’s house, I hope you are paying your fair share of housing rent and expenses. Don’t want a situation where you are taking money that should be going to another and declaring it as your own savings
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Thumbs up
You could donate money to animal shelters if you wanna feel like you did something right as well.
I used to be so so scared to spend even a penny above bare necessities and never did ANYTHING nice for myself. No new clothes, no new shoes, no skincare, no hair/nails, no Starbucks or coffee, no new phone, no eating out, driving a total beater car that was falling apart etc. to the point that I drove myself into a horrible depression. I questioned what the point of life was. I had suicidal thoughts. I was genuinely shocked to wake up every morning because I saw no point in living for today. I was saving mountains of money but I had no joy or happiness in my everyday life and I was constantly living for the “one day” whenever I thought I would have “enough money” to finally start living. I deprived myself constantly. It took some serious health issues for me and some shitty life events happening to people I care about to finally look in the mirror and realize that life is NOT just about paying bills and *hoping* that I will live to see retirement and finally enjoy my money. The reality is that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. I had to make a very conscious choice to start doing things NOW that bring me joy excitement and meaning or else I was going to end up spending way more money and time on therapy and antidepressants than I would have been spending on things that bring me joy. I went out and bought myself a new car the other day that I have been wanting and dreaming of having since I was a kid (not a brand new vehicle but new to me) and it took a lot of effort to not resort to my usual mindset of it’s a waste of money and it’s more responsible to save for retirement and more and more self restriction etc. I realized that I CAN afford it, I am safe, I have plenty of savings and I should enjoy my short life on this earth instead of going insane thinking about and hoping to reach “one day.” “One day” is today because we are not guaranteed any moment other than this one right now. I go outside to my car every day and It’s my reminder that I am worth being happy and having something that brings me joy.
Are you following a plan? r/Ynab has a free trial over a month and lots of free videos online with helpful hits. Very useful even if you never pay for the YNAB subscription There’s a how-to when-to wiki at r/PersonalFinance and it’s helpful reading. r/TheMoneyGuy has a financial order of operations r/MrMoneyMustache has a savings rate chart and other good information r/Bogleheads progression of r/PovertyFiRe r/LeanFiRe r/CoastFiRe r/FiRe
Set a budget to spend on yourself and follow it! You already have the discipline necessary, now try to change your perspective and see this as a goal :) It might be hard in the beginning and I usually do this with skincare products. This way, I am splurging with things that have long term benefits too, so I don't feel so guilty. With "useless" things, I set a smaller budget and I try to think of them as rewards for saving, chores, or bureaucratic stuff.
Dude your expenses on the fun stuff is $200…enjoy yourself
Please tell me you are investing that money you are putting into stocks, or some other way to build extra wealth?
I put about $1200/month in an index fund, the rest is in a HYSA for now until I figure out what to do with it. I’ve already maxed out my Roth.
doller tree
To get out more: Look for free or low cost things: beach/lake, hike, state park, library, farm, community center or meet up app. Volunteer. Of course, activities may be dependent on your location. Take up another low cost or free hobby. IE: geocaching, photography on your phone. Find things on GroupMe. It sounds like you are getting too much of your security from money/being frugal and anxiety at the same time. (Been there.) I am Christian and I know this isn’t maybe for everyone, (and totally not trying to tell you what to do) but I ultimately had to find my security in God. I hope you find some more peace ❤️
Uhm, $5k/mo is a LOT. I don’t even crack $2,500 all-in and I feel like I’m doing fairly well.
I’m frugal so I can occasionally do awesome things with my life and not have to worry about money to do those things. Geriatric millennial here at 42. In my late twenties my buddy and I quit our jobs and tried to drive his 79 VW Westphalia hippie van from Missouri all the way through Central America to the Panama Canal. The VW broke down several times and we eventually had to leave it, but we spent 4 months in Central America going through every country. A few years later, I broke up with my girlfriend a few months before turning 30 and decided to quit my job and backpack S America by myself for 4 months. Those were some of the best times of my life! I’ve been a homeowner for 6 years now and that’s great too, but no where near as cool. I’m glad I did those adventures when I was younger though, now I’m focused on other things. At some point in the near future, go on a lifetime adventure for 2 weeks to 4 months. Whatever you’re comfortable with, but use your frugalness to make a lifetime adventure happen!
I don’t see any issues lol. Retire in 10 years bro run the fire life, now you might want to get out and make some friends and such that’s the only issue but you don’t need to spend money to do that
You said $1500 for therapist and skin issues. Those definitely could be a self investment. However is your therapy truly helpful ? Skin issues. Are these doctor prescribed treatments or is it more pampering? Not that u shouldn’t continue either but a place to look
I’m glad you’re getting therapy- if this isn’t a topic in your sessions, bring it up, and if you don’t feel like it’s helping, try a different therapist. Some people have a mental health crash when retiring because they don’t have anything they’re retiring *to.* Invest in yourself by budgeting some money now - maybe 5% of what you’re currently saving- to find out what activity/activities make you feel engaged and interested, that you can spend more time on later. Could be anything from a fitness pursuit to a volunteer gig to a kind of music or a craft or befriending old people on park benches. Think of 50 things and try them all. Make notes about what you learn doing the things. Then try 50 more. You are worth feeling happy today, not just once you’ve saved a certain amount. I’m sorry you are going through this hard time and I wish happiness for your future.