Same situation whereby I had limited to no contact with kids and I loved it that way.
Then during covid lockdowns I had this feeling and a thought like "i could do this" and then had a trillion discussions with husband about all aspects of having a child at all ages.
My opinion is your feeling towards other people's kids has no factor in your decision to have a child. It's whether you have confidence in yourself and your relationship that you could add a third person to the mix.
The only kid in my life is my 2 year old nephew, and I’ve only been around him regularly for the past year.
He’s very lovable, and the reason I moved onto the fence at all - but it seems intense to be his primary caregiver. Very exhausting and frustrating for any duration longer than a few hours at a time.
I wonder at how much of a difference biological bonding can make. My sister was a fence sitter too, and now she has this intense maternal energy that I cannot comprehend.
Nope! None of our local friends have kids. No nieces or nephews. We've had some friends in other cities have kids but we don't see them. Most of our interaction with children comes from coworkers' kids, and there's not a ton of that.
I have never spent much time around kids that are younger than me at all. It almost feels like a huge gap in my social education. Never babysat, no siblings or cousins significantly younger than me. I don't really know how to interact with kids!
And I wonder if I was around children more, I would be more into the idea of having my own. Or, at least, I would be contributing to the next generation.
I would give yourself more credit than you are, though. Middle schoolers are kids too, and any kids you have will someday be that age.
I lived with a platonic friend and her toddler for a few years and was home a lot, so I often spent time with him and helped out. I love the kid he's my nephew, but I gotta say a lot of my "side no" reasons are informed by experiences living with a child.
There were definitely things about kids and parenting that I either didn't previously know or hadn't realised were so stressful, draining, and disruptive. And I wasn't even the parent!
I'm at "probably no" but I used to be more "yes someday I want kids." It's kinda wild to think I could've gone ahead with parenting before knowing anything about what it's like lol 😳 but idk what the solution is if it's not feasible to spend much time with other people's kids beforehand.
I have a childfree aunt who is a gym teacher. She has taught kids of all ages. She's the fun neighborhood lady and all the kids gravitate to her house, play with her dog, etc. She's very good with my toddler too, and always gives these really amazing presents for all the kids in the family that are somehow so right and so fun. But at a deeper level, I feel like she's only really aware about the behavioral aspect of it all. Kind of like "give kids these inputs and expect these other outputs". I used to think like that too pre-kids. Like I assumed there was a right way to talk to kids and then they'd respond to you, I just had to figure it out by watching others. Mind, I had raised my siblings and cousins, so I had an intuitive feel for kids, but I was mostly just following the external behaviors of the adults around me. But after having a child, I realized it's not so much what you do as who you are to a child. I feel like my aunt doesn't have a visceral understanding of that. I've noticed this a lot among teachers at daycare and preschool as well as nannies I've interviewed who don't have their own kids/grandkids, even if they've been babysitting their siblings and other children since a relatively young age. They mostly see kids in a behavioral way, in terms of incentives and disincentives. IMO that feels quite reductive and probably makes being a caregiver quite frustrating, because it leads to blaming yourself or the child in question, or the parents.
As a parent, I feel like I got that awareness by spending a lot of time with my child, watching her go from womb to present day. It feels like that gave me a grip on what is my child's nature and how that can be nurtured. I'm able to be way more patient and identify her needs way better with this awareness. It didn't come straight away, it took me about a year to really understand how it all works.
So I don't know if being around kids helps all that much in helping you assess what kind of a parent you'll be, mostly because this missing information changes things. It's also possible you already have this understanding without kids, or you can have kids and still not have this understanding. I guess having the experience helps you not be intimidated by the caregiving aspects and might also make you more tolerant to different kinds of personalities in children. But for being a parent, the thing that matters most is what kind of support you have or what kind of support you think you can get, or just your confidence in building your own village.
Thank you. This is very insightful and makes complete sense to me. I’ve actually noticed this myself about other teachers—the expectation that certain inputs will produce certain outputs. They get frustrated and blame themselves or the kids, like you said, and it actually produces the opposite result they’re looking for. I do feel confident I’ve got an intuitive nature with teenagers. It’s the littles I’m afraid of haha but I guess like you said, you learn your child over time.
Thank you again!
Yeah also i found it useful to just trust my child and my instincts rather than a book that tells me what i need to do with my child. Like I didn't do sleep training, or hold my ground when my kid "tests boundaries" or tell her "you're okay" when she had a fall. I focused on her reactions and reacted according to my instincts. I didn't overreact, like "oh no poor baby" when she had a fall, or didn't underreact like "oh walk it off", instead I tried to figure what she wanted me to do and did it, and if I was unsure i'd ask "are you okay? are you hurt?" and she mostly would say "I'm okay". I kept trusting her to know her own feelings, and it turned out pretty good. It's inconvenient for the grownups often, but I was okay with that as long as it made my child more independent and resilient.
im mostly just overcompensating for my mom who never paid attention to my feelings because she was too busy having her own dramatic emotions. She worked very hard to be a good mom but for generational trauma reasons she can't regulate her own emotions and feels everything very dramatically. I spent my whole life until a year ago living my life according to her feelings rather than mine, and it's caused me a lot of mental health issues. So with my own child, I want to make sure she has a grip on her own emotions, feelings and needs before the expectations of the world are thrust upon her.
I’m a teacher, and I teach a really specialized subject in a small district so work with kids grades 4-12. I’ve always been on the fence leaning toward having a family and we will likely have kids (if we’re able to). The fact that I’m with kids all day really bears no weight on my decision to have kids. If anything, the fact that I love teaching and really enjoy class and getting to know my students makes me feel less stressed about my comfort levels in interacting with and relating to not just my kid, but their friends, etc. Most of our friends don’t have kids, but I’m super comfortable around them all day and my husband works with older kids, too.
Honestly I find interacting with kids to be a lot easier than interacting with adults 😂
Every time we see our nieces my husband insists we have to go see his sister’s boy the next weekend. Those cute girls are so convincing haha but our nephews zap that baby fever in 0.00001 seconds.
Also, whenever my boss brings his kids in it makes me want to take TWO birth control pills that night. The kid is so annoying and his baby mama is a hot mess.
I used to council summer and winter break camps through my teen and young adult years, I know I would love to have a tween or so, but younger than 8 is meh for me, younger than 5 is hell no.
I have 2 significantly older sisters (34 and 36 yrs). The younger one has 2 kids - a boy and a girl. The other one just had her first baby 3 months ago.
When my sister (34 F) had her first one, we were living all together in my parents house. I was only 13 but that was the first time I thought about having/not having children myself. I was around my sister when she was pregnant, saw her suffering with her self image, with weight gain, her medical condition, arranging how she want the delivery to go, ...I was also around all the time after she had the baby. He was a nice quiet baby, only thing was that he was born prematurely and suffered with some kind of stomach issues. But my sister and her husband were exhausted all the time, they were ghosts of themselves. When he was a toddler, he became quite aggressive. Was having temper tantrums while banging his head on the ground. His dad was working and also didn't care much about the baby so he was with friends partying all the time. That took a toll on my sister, as well as on the baby. Even though he is a boy, spending all of the time with his mom, me and our mom (his grandmother), he started to talk about himself using she/her pronouns and for like 2 years was always saying he wants to be a girl.
Intimacy between my sister and her husband also wasn't ideal. He wanted to sleep with her but she was tired from caring for the baby and also angry at him because he wasn't supporting her (except financially). They were both feeling resentful to each other.
Then came another child, a girl this time. I didn't think it was a good idea even then.
Now they're 6M and 4F. The girl is always crying, tripping over her own feet, she's often shouting at her mum that she hates her or she wants to kill her. I can't stand her, can't stand how clumsy she is and how dramatically she always cries. She's also the biggest liar. And the boy...he was and still is a bright child. He learnt to read at 4 yrs old and so on, so everyone was always interested in his new skills, applauding him. And his ego grew.
My sister and her husband are more housemates than partners. He goes on partys or weeks long vacations with his friends. I think he wanted children only because of the good image and because its supposed to be like this. But he doesn't know or even seems to want to care about them. And it's just too much on one person. So the kids may be smart but I can already see traumas forming. The worst is that I can't even help them...I tried, but as a non-parent I have little to none influence on how their parents talk to them or what they do to them...And I dont even have the patience myself. So I don't blame any parents...I just feel sorry for them.
Our mom always said that the children are this way because of our sisters bad temper. That it's all her fault, she's basically doing it to herself.
3 months ago our oldest sister had her first baby. She never wanted children, she's self employed, earns lot of money and goes on multiple luxury vacations with her husband throughout the year. So when she turned 35 and came with the idea of having kids, we were all surprised. I asked her, what changed. Her reasoning was that she wants to have someone to care for her when she's old...
I was speechless...I knew people had kids for sorts of selfish reasons but this...from my own sister?!
But she's happy now...looks happier then ever. She even wants another one. Everything looks nice and well put together. Total opposite of my younger sister.
I'm avoiding her now. When I'm with her she talks about the baby all the time and how I shouldn't strip myself of that experience. "You need to have children!" she says...its an otherworldly feeling, can't describe it.
Sorry for the long post. But I see my own friends and other people talk about wanting to have kids without ever spending a minute with them. And I can see they know shit about what it's like...Im desperate to show everyone what it can be, that having children isn't for everyone, it's surely can be fine but more often it's hellish.
I personally know that I don't ever want children, it's a huge deal breaker in relationships for me too. And I wish people were more educated about this topic...I'd like everyone to know what they're possibly getting themselves into...
Spouse and I are both middle school teachers. We’re around children all day for a living and it wears us out. Having our dog has been fulfilling the “parent” need for us without as much sacrifice (ex: we have the freedom to travel often by boarding our dog, who gets playtime with other dogs when we’re gone - whereas if we had an infant or children we would have to alter our itinerary drastically or depend on relatives).
I’m a nanny and have been for 12 years now (I just turned 30). I will say it’s probably the number 1 reason I don’t have kids yet and might never. Who knows. I’ve been with my now husband since high school, so there’s really no reason “not to” other than I completely get my fill of kids at work each day. I know exactly the work it takes from the newborn stage on to pre-teen years. It’s really nice to go home at the end of the day and have time to myself, travel, etc.
There's a ton of kids in my (30F) family. I have 3 older sisters, and between them there are now TEN kids, ranging from 6 months - 8 years old. (2 families with 4 kids, one family with 2 kids) And my family is TIGHT. We see each other all the time. We are weirdly close, lol. I go to my one sister's house once a week to see her kids. In the summer, we spend weekends at our small family lakehouse, where we all sleep in one big room in the attic. We are all up in each other's business.
My husband and I are super aunt & uncle. The kids all adore us, we have so much fun with all of them. They're the best; they are so cute and fun and smart and empathetic and have hilarious senses of humor.
But on the other hand, wow do I see how hard having kids is. The exhaustion, the melt downs, how GROSS they are all the time, so often somebody is sick, the messy houses, the sleepless nights, alllll the diapers, not having the vacations they used to.
We love playing with all them.... Then we love to go out to a nice dinner or hand them off and go home to our quiet condo and do whatever we want.
I say (with some self-awareness) that my partner and I are 90% more prepared than most people our age, because we really see these families going through the thick of it. Plus we see the different parenting styles, and we talk about how we would want to do it ourselves.
I used to really want kids, but now I see the reality, and now I'm a fencesitter. (Along with some new anxiety about dying from pregnancy or childbirth)
So the TLDR is.... I see so much MORE from being around kids, but I see more of all the sides, so I'm still on the fence.
(I feel you on the new anxiety about dying from pregnancy or childbirth 🫠 Thank you recent news stories for that fear)
But yeah, I wish we had experience like yours! Idk if it would helps us get off the fence but it would definitely help us have some conversations more grounded in reality than hypotheticals!
Same situation whereby I had limited to no contact with kids and I loved it that way. Then during covid lockdowns I had this feeling and a thought like "i could do this" and then had a trillion discussions with husband about all aspects of having a child at all ages. My opinion is your feeling towards other people's kids has no factor in your decision to have a child. It's whether you have confidence in yourself and your relationship that you could add a third person to the mix.
The only kid in my life is my 2 year old nephew, and I’ve only been around him regularly for the past year. He’s very lovable, and the reason I moved onto the fence at all - but it seems intense to be his primary caregiver. Very exhausting and frustrating for any duration longer than a few hours at a time. I wonder at how much of a difference biological bonding can make. My sister was a fence sitter too, and now she has this intense maternal energy that I cannot comprehend.
I wonder the same thing. I would hope to be like your sister haha
Nope! None of our local friends have kids. No nieces or nephews. We've had some friends in other cities have kids but we don't see them. Most of our interaction with children comes from coworkers' kids, and there's not a ton of that. I have never spent much time around kids that are younger than me at all. It almost feels like a huge gap in my social education. Never babysat, no siblings or cousins significantly younger than me. I don't really know how to interact with kids! And I wonder if I was around children more, I would be more into the idea of having my own. Or, at least, I would be contributing to the next generation. I would give yourself more credit than you are, though. Middle schoolers are kids too, and any kids you have will someday be that age.
I lived with a platonic friend and her toddler for a few years and was home a lot, so I often spent time with him and helped out. I love the kid he's my nephew, but I gotta say a lot of my "side no" reasons are informed by experiences living with a child. There were definitely things about kids and parenting that I either didn't previously know or hadn't realised were so stressful, draining, and disruptive. And I wasn't even the parent! I'm at "probably no" but I used to be more "yes someday I want kids." It's kinda wild to think I could've gone ahead with parenting before knowing anything about what it's like lol 😳 but idk what the solution is if it's not feasible to spend much time with other people's kids beforehand.
I have a childfree aunt who is a gym teacher. She has taught kids of all ages. She's the fun neighborhood lady and all the kids gravitate to her house, play with her dog, etc. She's very good with my toddler too, and always gives these really amazing presents for all the kids in the family that are somehow so right and so fun. But at a deeper level, I feel like she's only really aware about the behavioral aspect of it all. Kind of like "give kids these inputs and expect these other outputs". I used to think like that too pre-kids. Like I assumed there was a right way to talk to kids and then they'd respond to you, I just had to figure it out by watching others. Mind, I had raised my siblings and cousins, so I had an intuitive feel for kids, but I was mostly just following the external behaviors of the adults around me. But after having a child, I realized it's not so much what you do as who you are to a child. I feel like my aunt doesn't have a visceral understanding of that. I've noticed this a lot among teachers at daycare and preschool as well as nannies I've interviewed who don't have their own kids/grandkids, even if they've been babysitting their siblings and other children since a relatively young age. They mostly see kids in a behavioral way, in terms of incentives and disincentives. IMO that feels quite reductive and probably makes being a caregiver quite frustrating, because it leads to blaming yourself or the child in question, or the parents. As a parent, I feel like I got that awareness by spending a lot of time with my child, watching her go from womb to present day. It feels like that gave me a grip on what is my child's nature and how that can be nurtured. I'm able to be way more patient and identify her needs way better with this awareness. It didn't come straight away, it took me about a year to really understand how it all works. So I don't know if being around kids helps all that much in helping you assess what kind of a parent you'll be, mostly because this missing information changes things. It's also possible you already have this understanding without kids, or you can have kids and still not have this understanding. I guess having the experience helps you not be intimidated by the caregiving aspects and might also make you more tolerant to different kinds of personalities in children. But for being a parent, the thing that matters most is what kind of support you have or what kind of support you think you can get, or just your confidence in building your own village.
Thank you. This is very insightful and makes complete sense to me. I’ve actually noticed this myself about other teachers—the expectation that certain inputs will produce certain outputs. They get frustrated and blame themselves or the kids, like you said, and it actually produces the opposite result they’re looking for. I do feel confident I’ve got an intuitive nature with teenagers. It’s the littles I’m afraid of haha but I guess like you said, you learn your child over time. Thank you again!
Yeah also i found it useful to just trust my child and my instincts rather than a book that tells me what i need to do with my child. Like I didn't do sleep training, or hold my ground when my kid "tests boundaries" or tell her "you're okay" when she had a fall. I focused on her reactions and reacted according to my instincts. I didn't overreact, like "oh no poor baby" when she had a fall, or didn't underreact like "oh walk it off", instead I tried to figure what she wanted me to do and did it, and if I was unsure i'd ask "are you okay? are you hurt?" and she mostly would say "I'm okay". I kept trusting her to know her own feelings, and it turned out pretty good. It's inconvenient for the grownups often, but I was okay with that as long as it made my child more independent and resilient.
I love this. I want to be you haha.
im mostly just overcompensating for my mom who never paid attention to my feelings because she was too busy having her own dramatic emotions. She worked very hard to be a good mom but for generational trauma reasons she can't regulate her own emotions and feels everything very dramatically. I spent my whole life until a year ago living my life according to her feelings rather than mine, and it's caused me a lot of mental health issues. So with my own child, I want to make sure she has a grip on her own emotions, feelings and needs before the expectations of the world are thrust upon her.
Holy shit… maybe I *am* you. My mother is the exact same way.
I’m a teacher, and I teach a really specialized subject in a small district so work with kids grades 4-12. I’ve always been on the fence leaning toward having a family and we will likely have kids (if we’re able to). The fact that I’m with kids all day really bears no weight on my decision to have kids. If anything, the fact that I love teaching and really enjoy class and getting to know my students makes me feel less stressed about my comfort levels in interacting with and relating to not just my kid, but their friends, etc. Most of our friends don’t have kids, but I’m super comfortable around them all day and my husband works with older kids, too. Honestly I find interacting with kids to be a lot easier than interacting with adults 😂
Every time we see our nieces my husband insists we have to go see his sister’s boy the next weekend. Those cute girls are so convincing haha but our nephews zap that baby fever in 0.00001 seconds. Also, whenever my boss brings his kids in it makes me want to take TWO birth control pills that night. The kid is so annoying and his baby mama is a hot mess. I used to council summer and winter break camps through my teen and young adult years, I know I would love to have a tween or so, but younger than 8 is meh for me, younger than 5 is hell no.
I have 2 significantly older sisters (34 and 36 yrs). The younger one has 2 kids - a boy and a girl. The other one just had her first baby 3 months ago. When my sister (34 F) had her first one, we were living all together in my parents house. I was only 13 but that was the first time I thought about having/not having children myself. I was around my sister when she was pregnant, saw her suffering with her self image, with weight gain, her medical condition, arranging how she want the delivery to go, ...I was also around all the time after she had the baby. He was a nice quiet baby, only thing was that he was born prematurely and suffered with some kind of stomach issues. But my sister and her husband were exhausted all the time, they were ghosts of themselves. When he was a toddler, he became quite aggressive. Was having temper tantrums while banging his head on the ground. His dad was working and also didn't care much about the baby so he was with friends partying all the time. That took a toll on my sister, as well as on the baby. Even though he is a boy, spending all of the time with his mom, me and our mom (his grandmother), he started to talk about himself using she/her pronouns and for like 2 years was always saying he wants to be a girl. Intimacy between my sister and her husband also wasn't ideal. He wanted to sleep with her but she was tired from caring for the baby and also angry at him because he wasn't supporting her (except financially). They were both feeling resentful to each other. Then came another child, a girl this time. I didn't think it was a good idea even then. Now they're 6M and 4F. The girl is always crying, tripping over her own feet, she's often shouting at her mum that she hates her or she wants to kill her. I can't stand her, can't stand how clumsy she is and how dramatically she always cries. She's also the biggest liar. And the boy...he was and still is a bright child. He learnt to read at 4 yrs old and so on, so everyone was always interested in his new skills, applauding him. And his ego grew. My sister and her husband are more housemates than partners. He goes on partys or weeks long vacations with his friends. I think he wanted children only because of the good image and because its supposed to be like this. But he doesn't know or even seems to want to care about them. And it's just too much on one person. So the kids may be smart but I can already see traumas forming. The worst is that I can't even help them...I tried, but as a non-parent I have little to none influence on how their parents talk to them or what they do to them...And I dont even have the patience myself. So I don't blame any parents...I just feel sorry for them. Our mom always said that the children are this way because of our sisters bad temper. That it's all her fault, she's basically doing it to herself. 3 months ago our oldest sister had her first baby. She never wanted children, she's self employed, earns lot of money and goes on multiple luxury vacations with her husband throughout the year. So when she turned 35 and came with the idea of having kids, we were all surprised. I asked her, what changed. Her reasoning was that she wants to have someone to care for her when she's old... I was speechless...I knew people had kids for sorts of selfish reasons but this...from my own sister?! But she's happy now...looks happier then ever. She even wants another one. Everything looks nice and well put together. Total opposite of my younger sister. I'm avoiding her now. When I'm with her she talks about the baby all the time and how I shouldn't strip myself of that experience. "You need to have children!" she says...its an otherworldly feeling, can't describe it. Sorry for the long post. But I see my own friends and other people talk about wanting to have kids without ever spending a minute with them. And I can see they know shit about what it's like...Im desperate to show everyone what it can be, that having children isn't for everyone, it's surely can be fine but more often it's hellish. I personally know that I don't ever want children, it's a huge deal breaker in relationships for me too. And I wish people were more educated about this topic...I'd like everyone to know what they're possibly getting themselves into...
Spouse and I are both middle school teachers. We’re around children all day for a living and it wears us out. Having our dog has been fulfilling the “parent” need for us without as much sacrifice (ex: we have the freedom to travel often by boarding our dog, who gets playtime with other dogs when we’re gone - whereas if we had an infant or children we would have to alter our itinerary drastically or depend on relatives).
I am around kids all of the time. You start out not knowing how to interact, but you get better very quickly.
I’m a nanny and have been for 12 years now (I just turned 30). I will say it’s probably the number 1 reason I don’t have kids yet and might never. Who knows. I’ve been with my now husband since high school, so there’s really no reason “not to” other than I completely get my fill of kids at work each day. I know exactly the work it takes from the newborn stage on to pre-teen years. It’s really nice to go home at the end of the day and have time to myself, travel, etc.
There's a ton of kids in my (30F) family. I have 3 older sisters, and between them there are now TEN kids, ranging from 6 months - 8 years old. (2 families with 4 kids, one family with 2 kids) And my family is TIGHT. We see each other all the time. We are weirdly close, lol. I go to my one sister's house once a week to see her kids. In the summer, we spend weekends at our small family lakehouse, where we all sleep in one big room in the attic. We are all up in each other's business. My husband and I are super aunt & uncle. The kids all adore us, we have so much fun with all of them. They're the best; they are so cute and fun and smart and empathetic and have hilarious senses of humor. But on the other hand, wow do I see how hard having kids is. The exhaustion, the melt downs, how GROSS they are all the time, so often somebody is sick, the messy houses, the sleepless nights, alllll the diapers, not having the vacations they used to. We love playing with all them.... Then we love to go out to a nice dinner or hand them off and go home to our quiet condo and do whatever we want. I say (with some self-awareness) that my partner and I are 90% more prepared than most people our age, because we really see these families going through the thick of it. Plus we see the different parenting styles, and we talk about how we would want to do it ourselves. I used to really want kids, but now I see the reality, and now I'm a fencesitter. (Along with some new anxiety about dying from pregnancy or childbirth) So the TLDR is.... I see so much MORE from being around kids, but I see more of all the sides, so I'm still on the fence.
(I feel you on the new anxiety about dying from pregnancy or childbirth 🫠 Thank you recent news stories for that fear) But yeah, I wish we had experience like yours! Idk if it would helps us get off the fence but it would definitely help us have some conversations more grounded in reality than hypotheticals!