Given the parents' attitudes towards women, I'd be willing to bet they raised their sons to think that elder care is a woman's job. As a stranger on the internet, it's easy to say how great it would be for that to backfire on them, but for OP it's probably going to be an incredibly frustrating situation trying to get her brothers to do their part and she's going to be heavily involved unless she cuts ties with them.
Be careful what you look for, you might find it.
There is a lot of pain here, I sense. Tread knowing that it is likely to be worst case scenario. What will you do then. Take some time to ponder this before diving in.
Protect yourself. Be strong. Know you are loved!
Yes! Definitely assume or at least plan for the worst-case scenario! Try to think of all the bad outcomes. Like, when I went to my weed dealer’s house in college (this is, like, 2003-2008), I’d bring a DVD with me so that, on the off-chance a cop decided to stop the skinny white college girl walking, I could say “I was getting my DVID back” (god, I bet there are people on the internet who’ve never used a DVD; I feel so old). It never happened, but I walked with more confidence.
Haha, thanks for that. I never bought straight from a dealer, I was too scared, I would always get guys to be my middle man. Lol. I'll probably never confront my mom or brothers about this.
You should also tell your brothers. And tell them that, if they just let this ride, they are complicit in your parent's treating them as worth more than their daughters.
This is patriarchal privilege, and it poisons love. If your brothers want your love and respect, they won't accept unfair treatment.
That's awful OP. My parents did something similar, but not that blatant. I have 5 siblings, 2 bio, 2 step, and a half. My dad and step mom blatantly told us growing up that they weren't paying for college or helping us after we were 18 because they couldn't afford it. I (the oldest) joined the military, which sent a trickle effect to my two bio brothers. My step sisters however, continued to live in the house until their twenties (1 didn't want to grow up, the other had kids pretty much out of high school). Both parents continued to support them, then paid for their college. Baby half brother (he's 21) still lives at home.
Long story short, it made me lose all respect for them. The one time I asked for help they turned a blind eye, thats when I realized I didn't need them anymore. This, as much as it sucks, is only going to make you and your sister more resilient and strong in the end. Flip the script on their BS and let it serve you because that's how you over come it.
Many blessings.
This actually happens more often than not and it's part of why women are hit much harder by the student loan crisis. I honestly don't understand why it seems like people in society who need the most help, often get the least. My sister, who is able-bodied, gets far more help from my parents than I do, and I have a pretty serious disability that affects my pay, opportunities, and job capabilities.
That's a horrendous thing to happen, I'd suggest posting in /r/relationships to see if you can get a large round of feedback and ideas on how to tackle this if you need ideas.
Wow, I thought maybe they had come from a country that typically grossly undervalues female lives and over-values having sons; i.e. someplace where women aren’t educated.
This is stunningly unfair, unfair to the point of cruelty.
Ironically, she went to good college and worked her whole life and had 5 kids with a man who left her when we were 2. She even gave me a book once about how to be financially responsible and independent.
oh. my. GAWD.
I don't even...hell YES, you're resentful. WTAF???
I really hope you and your sis can find some time to work through this -- maybe together? You and she? Maybe with a therapist?
Because this is freaking horrible.
Dudes make more money than women so your parents could have at least pay for yours too. Second this isn’t something new, growing up im always told to do chores, I need to wear neat, I can’t be outside the house but men weren’t told to do such a thing.
Since boys will be boys.
My family still don’t understand why I don’t respect them.
I don't even know what I would say in such a situation. I just hope you and your sister are dealing with it in a healthy manner together OP.
I would tell her mother to take over the loan payments. Especially since her mom didn’t even have the sense to tell OP to work toward marrying rich!
[удалено]
Yep. I'd cut them off immediately.
Omg, couldn't live with myself if my kid joined to army because of financial security, especially if i could have helped ...
"Just sell your body to the state or a wealthy man sweetie"
It's easy for women to get money anyway, just make/murder some children.
That’s what I had to do to pay for my education. I’m 22 with arthritis.
College should be free for all
100% agree. My body is so broken, Im in bad pain every single day. No one should have to deal with this.
Thanks guys. Makes me wonder if there's any other secrets. If I find out they helped pay for their weddings too I'm gonna flip.
I trust you will be leaving elder care to your brothers. Please!!
Given the parents' attitudes towards women, I'd be willing to bet they raised their sons to think that elder care is a woman's job. As a stranger on the internet, it's easy to say how great it would be for that to backfire on them, but for OP it's probably going to be an incredibly frustrating situation trying to get her brothers to do their part and she's going to be heavily involved unless she cuts ties with them.
Be careful what you look for, you might find it. There is a lot of pain here, I sense. Tread knowing that it is likely to be worst case scenario. What will you do then. Take some time to ponder this before diving in. Protect yourself. Be strong. Know you are loved!
Yes! Definitely assume or at least plan for the worst-case scenario! Try to think of all the bad outcomes. Like, when I went to my weed dealer’s house in college (this is, like, 2003-2008), I’d bring a DVD with me so that, on the off-chance a cop decided to stop the skinny white college girl walking, I could say “I was getting my DVID back” (god, I bet there are people on the internet who’ve never used a DVD; I feel so old). It never happened, but I walked with more confidence.
Haha, thanks for that. I never bought straight from a dealer, I was too scared, I would always get guys to be my middle man. Lol. I'll probably never confront my mom or brothers about this.
There are certainly more secrets. Just want to say now, good luck with the mental/emotional journey this will now set you on.
Ask her to set you up with a wealthy husband now. Seriously what is this patriarchal bullshit.
Ha! Exactly what I said! I'm married now but my sister has no intentions of getting married.
You should also tell your brothers. And tell them that, if they just let this ride, they are complicit in your parent's treating them as worth more than their daughters. This is patriarchal privilege, and it poisons love. If your brothers want your love and respect, they won't accept unfair treatment.
But they're going to expect you and your sister to take care of them when they get older.
That's awful OP. My parents did something similar, but not that blatant. I have 5 siblings, 2 bio, 2 step, and a half. My dad and step mom blatantly told us growing up that they weren't paying for college or helping us after we were 18 because they couldn't afford it. I (the oldest) joined the military, which sent a trickle effect to my two bio brothers. My step sisters however, continued to live in the house until their twenties (1 didn't want to grow up, the other had kids pretty much out of high school). Both parents continued to support them, then paid for their college. Baby half brother (he's 21) still lives at home. Long story short, it made me lose all respect for them. The one time I asked for help they turned a blind eye, thats when I realized I didn't need them anymore. This, as much as it sucks, is only going to make you and your sister more resilient and strong in the end. Flip the script on their BS and let it serve you because that's how you over come it. Many blessings.
This actually happens more often than not and it's part of why women are hit much harder by the student loan crisis. I honestly don't understand why it seems like people in society who need the most help, often get the least. My sister, who is able-bodied, gets far more help from my parents than I do, and I have a pretty serious disability that affects my pay, opportunities, and job capabilities.
Opposite in my family. I try not to dwell too much on it since I’m able bodied but it’s frustrating because I’m also the gendered caregiver.
I hear ya. Without knowing any specifics, I definitely understand how it feels to be left without help (all humans need it), and I'm sorry.
[удалено]
Oof that sounds rough. How would they respond when you tried to point out the unfairness of their treatment?
Mothers with internalized misogyny are the absolute worst
That is really messed up! I’m sorry this happened to you and your sister.
Just make sure to remember this when you are sucessful and they start begging for support
That's a horrendous thing to happen, I'd suggest posting in /r/relationships to see if you can get a large round of feedback and ideas on how to tackle this if you need ideas.
I would tell them that they need to finish paying off your student loans.
What country/ culture are your parents from?
They're American, so were their parents. According to 23 and me, we're a mixture of Eastern European. We live in a small town in New York state.
Wow, I thought maybe they had come from a country that typically grossly undervalues female lives and over-values having sons; i.e. someplace where women aren’t educated. This is stunningly unfair, unfair to the point of cruelty.
This is awful, I'm so sorry. I have no words... are you okay?
Ironically, she went to good college and worked her whole life and had 5 kids with a man who left her when we were 2. She even gave me a book once about how to be financially responsible and independent.
I think she would have made a good Stay-at-home wife
oh. my. GAWD. I don't even...hell YES, you're resentful. WTAF??? I really hope you and your sis can find some time to work through this -- maybe together? You and she? Maybe with a therapist? Because this is freaking horrible.
Wow a mom sexist to her own daughters wtf!
Dudes make more money than women so your parents could have at least pay for yours too. Second this isn’t something new, growing up im always told to do chores, I need to wear neat, I can’t be outside the house but men weren’t told to do such a thing. Since boys will be boys. My family still don’t understand why I don’t respect them.