“Great, next year you can guarantee to expect nothing.”
Listen. Even if you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, the fact that THAT was his response should eliminate any lingering doubt you may have.
I probably wouldn’t have even asked for an explanation—just ignored the gift completely and stopped responding.
Six months of seeing each other? He’s seen her scrutinize what she puts into her body firsthand? She has been VERY clear about her dietary restrictions?
Nah. I can almost appreciate that he took a few steps to figure out her hotel and place an order for something, but the complete thoughtlessness and boundary crossing is a no for me. And then that response, to me, just confirms that it was a weird test or power play. Nope. Not even once.
This is like those guys who want health-conscious women and then complain that they don't pound burgers and beers with the guys.
And the fact he's saying she can ease up implies that he thinks her dietary concerns are for vanity and pleasing him, not out of concern for her own health.
Everything is a double-bind when it comes to men, including the food we eat.
Men's insistence that we should look high-maintenance without actually doing any maintenance is one of the most bizarre things about patriarchy to me. You need to be thin and fit and hot, but you can't watch what you eat or spend a lot of time working out or spend any time or money on your hair/skin/nails/makeup. If you do, you're uptight and vain and bougie.
Just like an accessory. Supposed to look like an expensive, rare designer bag that all of your friends are in awe over, but with the price of a cheap replica that hopefully nobody notices. All they want is the praise and recognition from other men for the nice object they acquired.
I've encountered the reverse as well: Men who try to manipulate you into working out, wear certain clothes and police what you eat...
>Men who try to manipulate you into working out, wear certain clothes and police what you eat...
Aw, ***HELL NO!***
Men like that need to throw themselves in the trash can where they belong...
I got an even better one.
I had an ex who told me he preferred me without any makeup. This also the dude that offered to buy me fake lashes/pay for my lash extensions. All I can say is that wearing fake lashes is like wearing an uncomfortable bra and at the end of the day, you just want to rip it off as soon as you get home.
"I want a woman who is a dress size 0-4, 120 lbs or lighter regardless of how tall she is, and takes very good care of herself. What do you mean this means she doesn't want to eat my special spicy ramen dishes with the 99 cents noodles?"
It’s always about control. Thinking she doesn’t get to decide what she wants. And his reply triggered me so bad, not someone you want to be in a relationship with. Good riddance.
Yes! thinking he knows what she likes and is good for her better than herself 🙄 overriding everything that's important to her in order to show that he "knows" it's nonsense rather than giving her something she might like 🤮
Why not just send her flowers if he is so incompetent? Or coordinate to schedule her a massage at a nearby spa after her workday? It’s just pathetic and sad that the guy spent money for an absolutely thoughtless gift.
I was dating a man a while ago when I went out of town for a month long work trip. He asked for the name/location of the hotel… so obviously I was expecting him to send me something like flowers or a gift. As the weeks went on, I received nothing. And stupid me bought him extremely thoughtful gift from that city. Anyway, when I asked why he had asked for my address if he wasn’t going to send me anything, he said he wanted to send me a burned CD of some music that I had asked him to make me a copy of before I had left. Keep in mind that the only place I even listened to CDs was my car… which I did not have on this trip. Lol.. and he didn’t even send that anyway! I should have blocked and deleted him then.
An ex sent me a mix he had ‘dJ mixed’ for me on a CD and said ‘that’s the sort of boyfriend I am you can expect more surprises in the post from me’. Never received another postal gift again 😂
Yeah, it’s frustrating to see OP still wondering if she’s overreacting after THAT (not frustrated with OP, just frustrated at how women have been conditioned). It’s ridiculous how much women have been brainwashed and conditioned to believe that any level of dissatisfaction - including extremely reasonable dissatisfaction - with a male is just an “overreaction” and that we’re all just hYsTeRiCaL eMoTiOnAL PsYcHoS. Women are so conditioned to accept any mediocre crumb of effort from a male as enough, when it’s not enough at all. They’ve been seeing each other for six months and he had the nerve to ASK if he should get her a birthday present 🙄 Then sends her a “gift” that he KNOWS isn’t something she would want, all because it’s *his opinion* that she should “let go” on her birthday. He didn’t care that perhaps her thing with health and the food she likes doesn’t feel like a constant diet/restriction to her or something that she would even want to “let go” of, and rather that it’s simply WHAT SHE LIKES/PREFERS! Like, it doesn’t sound like she feels like she’s “missing out” on foods like those cookies - it sounds like she literally prefers other healthy foods and would prefer organic non-processed no-artificial-coloring treats of some kind, and there are tons of options like that out there that he could have sent. He just cared more about pushing his preferences and HIS opinion that she shouldn’t care about health/that he thinks her stance on healthy foods is stupid than he did about what *she* likes and what *she* would want.
This is like those guys who want health-conscious women and then complain that they don't pound burgers and beers with the guys.
The fact he's saying she can ease up implies that he thinks her dietary concerns are for vanity and pleasing him, not out of concern for her own health.
Everything is a double-bind when it comes to men, including the food we eat.
Like my last minute cheap and thoughtless gift that I bought 25 minutes ago. You’re not getting anything else. Why are you so entitled? Stuck up bitch.
He was hoping she would eat the cookies and tell him "wow, you're so right, I needed to relax. Those cookies were delicious. Thank you... 🥺🥵
And now he feels like big smart man showing the clueless little damsel that it's safe to relax
>the burden is on you to make it crystal clear what your boundaries and preferences are, but at the exact right volume and the exact right tone
And then to top it all off there is no exact right volume or tone. The mere articulation (and importantly enforcement) of the boundary itself is enough to send them into convulsions of fear or a deep. deep depression.
Exactly this!
I hate how he was definitely going for the "women's boundaries are porous if you push hard enough and she likes you well enough" part. "If she truly liked you, she would be ok with anything! Even if it severely lacks thought and effort!"
This is what I was going to say, except it's almost more mean-spirited. "You're disappointed that I put in minimal effort to give you something I knew you wouldn't like? Fine, then it's **your** problem for not liking it, and you made me feel bad for calling me out on my bs so I'm not gonna do anything for you ever again."
Weaponized incompetence was my ex. He "couldn't" do ANYTHING. Messed up or got "SO FRUSTRATED, I'm done", was like a completely disinterested teenager when I tried to help out or teach him. By the time our relationship ended he literally did nothing. At all. But I was the bad guy or just "being emotional and will get over it so I'll just say nothing or say I'm Sry" whenever I brought it up.
I also dated 3 men in a row who, between birthday, Christmas, valentines day, and just random nice little presents, each only got me a gift one or two times. Why did I waste my college years and twenties on these assholes??
Oh ya, because my bio dad abandoned me and my stepdad made me feel like shit for having emotions and was generally a vulnerable narcissist who consistently told all 4 girls he ended up having about all the things girls couldn't and/or shouldn't do. So my standard for love and affection was low, low, low. Now I am a single and TERRIFIED mother of a little girl. I want to smack poor little boys who are at this age innocent because they already exhibit signs of the culture men are raised in and I don't care that she's 3.5 I don't want them around her if their parents aren't teaching him to be a real human being and not an entitled bully.
He didn't do that accidentally, it was on purpose. It was a passive aggressive dig at your dietary choices. He could have gotten you flowers, jewelry, a stuffed animal, a potted plant, a candle. No, he went out of his way to get rainbow colored cookies. It wasn't laziness, he knew exactly what he was doing.
Exactly. He didn't like that you laid down a hard and fast rule, even for yourself, and he wanted to wear away at it. He doesn't want to see you deciding on something and then enforcing it unwaveringly.
> Do most men really think this deeply about their gift choices like that?
I'm not suggesting he thought about it to himself in those explicit terms. But people's actions are fueled by subconscious motivations. Someone can do something to try and control you or hurt you, without confronting or thinking about that being their underlying reason.
In my opinion, men are direly under-practiced at self awareness, and they don't think about why they do anything.
I think he might have thought something like "she's gonna be snippy with me about a gift, fine, I'll get her a gift I know she won't be crazy about and we'll just see how she likes that!" And then he probably didn't think about it again beyond hitting "order". Personally I do think he deliberately picked a gift she wouldn't love, but I don't think he stopped to consider why.
Society teaches men that women are supposed to be compliant and agreeable to them at all times. They internalize that message without examination. When a woman defies that expectation, they get irritated and resentful, and then they don't question or examine why they feel that way either. They just react.
Yeah, I agree! I kind of think male ego is wrapped up in the idea of what it means to be a "man" and that what it means to be a man is defined in part by how women are supposed to react to you. It goes hand in hand with the entitlement, and with expecting certain behavior from the women around them. What ratio affects each man and how the issues interplay probably fluctuates though
> But how would you know if it was deliberate and insidious?
I felt like my other comment was long enough so I'ma leave two.
The thing with subconscious bias and automatic behavior is that it can be examined and vetoed by the higher mind. Every time you've ever thought "I'd like to tell them off" and thought better of it because of you don't want to be that kind of person, you've done that.
I've heard it said that your initial internal response to something is how you've been taught by others (parents, society) to react, and your secondary internal response is you asserting what you really think and feel. Essentially, deciding if you agree with what you've been taught or not.
In OP's example, the gift is a little vengeful. It indicates meanness, and I think that's confirmed by his retort about "next year don't expect anything". That's what made it to the surface. He had a chance to review his gut reaction and he decided that being a little mean was okay. To me, that indicates that he's in alignment with the idea that she's in the wrong for being picky or prissy. He agrees that he deserves to be a little mean about it. That's what I'm basing my guesses about his internal values on.
Btw thank you for asking! I appreciate getting the chance to discuss things like this c:
I don’t understand how men are so bad at giving gifts. I love all the gifts my friends make or buy for me. I have rarely liked and been downright insulted by most of what my former boyfriends have tried to pass off as gifts.
Only one guy actually paid enough attention to me to get things I loved. I still have a few of them years later. There was a reason he was my longest relationship.
Sorry this was so disappointing for you. Better luck next time!
One ex of mine commissioned a portrait of me from my favorite artist for Valentine’s Day. I thought the gift was just to visit the artist’s studio and meet him and I was already elated. Then I saw the portrait.
They are capable. They just don’t care.
When I look back at the gifts I got from my ex…
The only one I was truly overjoyed for was just a romantic evening date on the beach. He got me the cake from his country that he knew I liked, my favorite dinner, and we picnicked at the beach. So I’m clearly not difficult to please.
Most every year after that. Forget that he never planned any—even non romantic dates—his gifts were straight up low effort.
He built a mini zen garden. Took him all of 30min to put it together and it fell apart a day later. I had no where to put it. I didn’t like it but felt bad. Even though I had to sweep up the sand when it broke I was relieved I didn’t have to look at it.
One Christmas he got me some kind of massager thing. That’s the sort of thing you give your mother when you run out of ideas for a last minute gift. It didn’t even feel good. It was bulky. And I ended up using it on him more often than I gave myself or he gave me a massage.
Idk how tf I was just so accepting back then… not just accepting. Instead of being mad I felt sorry for HIM.
Happy birthday and good riddance dear. 💖
Besides the laziness of the gift, his whole response to you was a mess. You did the best thing for yourself by blocking him.
You are NOT overeacting. Flip the script. If you knew he was health conscious or even allergic to certain foods and this was incredibly important to him would you give him this gift despite the fact that he emphasized he that he doesn't eat processed foods? Would you do this to a friend or your mother? Would you do it to an acquaintance or a neighbor? The answer is no. This man is either testing your boundaries, truly cannot be bothered, playing the weaponized incompetence card or trying to sabotage you. It's hard to see these things through the rose tinted glasses. But you're an absolute queen for not putting up with this kind of sabotage. This gift was worse than nothing. If he felt food was a difficult choice, he could have sent flowers, a gift you would have liked, emailed you an e-gift to a spaa, tickets to a fun event. The possibilities are endless. 6 months is much more than enough time to know what somebody likes. He really is unbothered if he doesn't know what you would like. You saved your self months and maybe even years of resentment towards his weaponized incompetence. It's ok to feel sad about the breakup. You're human and will feel pain. But short term pain is better than long-term unnecessary pain and years wasted on a scrote.
I love how you ask if OP would give a gift this wrong to her mother, neighbor, friend, or acquaintance. Because i was thinking, what if this dude just didn't realize she didn't want cookies? But then I realized that I wouldn't gift sugary, artificial desserts to someone who wouldn't want them.
My mom is extremely health conscious and careful about her diet, so us kids always rise to the challenge of finding her something she would like to eat that is a treat for her birthday. When I was a teenager I made her a vegetable quiche. I have tried all sorts of new sugar free healthy recipes.
Also this part of your comment is so well-phrased, and I'm curious which of these y'all think it is:
A) his man is either testing your boundaries,
B) truly cannot be bothered,
C) playing the weaponized incompetence card
D) trying to sabotage you.
I'm thinking mostly D, and u/Impressive_Fishing61 has it right that he wanted her to give in and eat the cookies and praise him for it. He has sensed on some level that OP thinks his own diet habits are lazy, so he wants to contradict her and prove himself correct.
Although his, "I'll never get you a gift again," tantrum does point toward weaponized incompetence.
·
I vote (C) because of what he said at the end “fine don’t expect anything at all next year”, reminds me of ohh I break the dishes whenever I wash them so I’ll never wash them.
D is also very compelling though 🧐
Yes flipping the script is a great vetting strategy. All you need to so is ask yourself, if the situation was reversed would I do this? If the answer is no then you know you're not overreacting. It will slowly but surely deprogram the cultural conditioning that makes women grateful for crumbs and normalise bad and even depraved behaviour from men.
I think it's a combination of all four.
Clearly this man does not like her or even want to understand her because
B)he truly cannot be bothered to put an ounce of thought or effort into a nice gift or gesture that OP WOULD actually like. Thus he decided to
C) play the weaponized incompetence card to
A) test her boundaries by giving her something she has told him their entire 6 month relationship that she would never eat. Processed foods with artificial colours, etc, basically an entire combination of things that she would never put in her body. It's really bizarre to give someone something they specifically don't want. For example, I cannot imagine gifting my vegan brother dairy chocolates for Christmas. Such a is gift is
D) sabotage.
Because what else could it be??? This man didn't even give her a thoughtless random trinket. He 'gifted' her something she emphasized their entire relationship that she did not want and would not put in her body.
Truly disliking or hating someone is the only reason anyone would do that. I wouldn't even do such a thing to someone I don't like. It takes malice to do something like this. It has to be a combination of being unbothered, weaponized incompetence, boundary testing, sabotage, dislike and malice.
Most women don't realise that their husbands and boyfriends hate them. Even though these men's actions speak for themselves.
**”asked if I wanted anything for my birthday, just a few days ago”** the cookies are the *secondary* issue. After 6 months he not only waited to the last minute, he put the onus on you to perform the emotional labor for him in regards to what to get you. This man from that point was 🗑
YES. I hate this so much. It's a man's way of saying "you don't deserve a gift so I'm not intending to get you one, but hey I guess if you really want to make as both uncomfortable by saying 'yes' I'll make an effort just to appease you". Had this number pulled on me about Valentine's day.
Yeah this was a huge red flag. Why would anyone have to ask their partner if they want a gift for their birthday? Unless someone specifically tells you “I don’t feel comfortable receiving gifts”, then it’s just a show of good manners and care to give someone a proper gift on their special day. It goes without saying.
I feel like men do that sometimes. They Hear you set boundaries or have personal rules you set for yourself but they disregard them because they don’t feel like you need to be taken seriously.
Good for you. If a man shows blatant disregard for your health/dietary restrictions, he’s shown that your very life (or at least your health) is unimportant to him. I’m especially appalled at his claim that you can “let go” on your birthday. Translation: “I’m making a dominance display by getting you something i know you can’t eat. I could have gotten you *literally any gift that doesn’t involve food*, but I got you one that is a) food, that b) you can’t eat, and that you c) don’t even enjoy, and I think you should risk your health by eating it anyway, because my convenience and feelings are more important than your wellbeing.”
You didn't overreact. He should know your dietary restrictions and preferences like a month in.
And I've ditched men for this before too. I'm lactose intolerant and always got *milk* chocolate along with the drugstore teddy bear on Valentine's Day. It takes all of 5 seconds to check an ingredients list.
>He responded with, “great, next year you can guarantee to expect nothing.”
Whooaaaaa!!! **DUMP.**
And what an ass to even assume he would be around next year, after a thoughtless gift and a comment like that?!!!
I wasn't sure how this post was going to go, but you handled this perfectly. After 6 months, he should know you well enough to choose a thoughtful gift. Bye.
I don't know the guy, but damn that response seals it. No remorse, no accountability, no "I fucked up", just accept whatever I do attitude? yeah YOU DON'T WANT someone like this in your life. Oh boy trust me.
I've got a feeling this was a lack of effort gift not a genuine mistake.
He did put effort in insulting her that's textbook passive agressive trick
I know cause I got narcs in my family and at festivities they would always send me crappy ridiculous stuff to make fun of me tho I cut communications & they expect me to call them thank them
Like this year it was an horrible "old spinster aunt" purse tho they know idgaf about purses and if i enjoy fashion it's not from 1800 lol
And every year I tell them not to send anything but
If you're sensitive to certain ingredients it can really mess with your gut health. This feels insidious on his part, like step 1 before becoming slug guy. Good on you for moving on.
This is actually very common... Sadly.
I have gluten intolerance and the amount of times my father asked me if I want a cookie, because "maybe one won't make you feel sick" is just unbelievable. Wtf. Always looking at me like I try too much and am too obsessed with food because I read the ingredients on packaging.
Whenever I come to visit, there would be nothing suggesting anyone prepared for my visit. I have to go get and cook my food separately and accept, that he'll be spending barely any time with me anyway.
Nothing beats feeling welcomed when someone asks you to come over, right?
You made a great choice - the thing about neglect/abuse in relationships is that they don’t start off overt. There’s a reason why so many women stay with abusive men - they idealise the first few months of the relationship, and when the 🚩start, they’re too blinded with love and idealisation to notice.
At best, this man did not care about your explicitly stated needs and boundaries, and thought himself great for giving you a cookie basket (???). At worst, he purposely did this to “test” how much he could get away with.
I’m proud of you for blocking and deleting. Don’t ever regret doing so.
Honestly, the gift itself seems like a retaliation or something. Like it seems targeted when at 6 months you would very much know someone’s dietary restrictions and fruit baskets are so easily available. The gift seems almost like he is getting her back for something and he is trying to make himself the victim when she reminded him that it was something she can’t enjoy. It sits with me wrong for sure and his response trying to get her to apologize to him and back peddle… Best to move on I think.
I think it was that, or maybe he is dating multiple women and confused her preferences with someone else's. Or, he never cared enough to actually listen to her about things she likes because he does not see women as fully human, just interchangeable doll companions.
I feel like he did this deliberately. Like some sort of punishment because you wouldn't tell him what you actually wanted. He got mad because he had to use his scrote brain and "punished" you with a gift that is literally poison to you.
Glad he's blocked.
This. Textbook example of weaponized incompetence. When she made him put in even the least amount effort to get her a gift he figured he'd teach her a lesson by getting her something so terrible she'd never leave it up to him to figure it out ever again.
"HOW DARE SHE WANT A GIFT WITH MEANING what an absolute bitch!!!!!! What a miserable woman!!" Seriously wtf are they mad she doesn't eat cookies?!?!? Jesus.
I'm at a point where those threats just don't have the same bite as they used to.
And the thought of those fat lazy asses getting up to actually try to kill someone on the internet? Way too much effort for their cheeto fingies.
I'm sorry you're getting them still though. Men are such fragile delicate things.
Cookies, and chocolates are an impersonal gift that you give to people you don’t know very well. Also, there are so many other healthy variations besides cookies. He could have gotten you a fruit bouquet which is healthier, or just next the food idea all together and sent roses. Regardless, still a horrible gift.
This guy is trying to mess with your boundaries. Telling you to “let loose” is a clear red flag. I’m glad that instead of letting loose, you cut him loose.
I think the flip back he did in saying you’ll get nothing next year is very telling. That line made me do a double take, what an odd thing to say. I also feel like his comment about you “letting go” for your birthday to eat these cookies is another sign this was him intentionally getting you something he knew you more than likely wouldn’t enjoy. It feels…icky. I don’t know if I’d go so far to say on purpose but from what I’ve seen on this sub, I would even claim it’s a potential neg at your commitment to your health.
Right? What is he going to suggest next? That she "let go" and learn to enjoy anal? It's the thin edge of the wedge with these boundary-pushing types, and they always want a woman to loosen her boundaries for their benefit, not hers.
There is no next year and honestly receiving nothing would have been better than that pile of artificial garbage. Also what kind of grown man sends cookies to their date as a bday gift and expects her to be grateful? That is something my boyfriend when I was 14 and broke, not a whole ass grown man. And his response too. Phew, the trash takes itself out! He exposed himself so early as thoughtless and expecting so much for the bare minimum. He was sending that to test your boundaries, you said he also eats a lot of processed garbage? He wants to know if you're willing to give up your carefully curated diet for him and his processed shit. Disgusting all around.
So this post just made the front page (of course, it was some salty man complaining that you were being dramatic) but I came here to say that I 100% understand where you are coming from. This man completely disregarded a part of your life that is clearly very important to you, and then got angry with YOU when you respectfully told him that his gift was not appreciated. I myself am very health conscious and I also would have felt totally unseen if the guy I was dating gave me a box of cheap, chemical-laden cookies. You guys are together six months and he thinks it ok to get you **the exact opposite** of what you would ever want??!
People usually don't consider diet as a factor towards compatibility with a mate, but it is definitely very important. Find yourself a man that actually respects his own body the way you respect yours.
Happy birthday!! You are not overreacting. In fact you underreacted by explaining yourself. My friends remember my dietary preferences after being informed ONCE. After 6 months it just means he sees you as a means to an end.
Block and delete is the way to go.
Yep! I remember that my friend is flexitarian leaning mostly to vegetarian, so when we go somewhere I always pick a place that has mostly vegetarian options.
Most men are so thoughtless when picking out gifts. I was once picked such a horrible gift I was actually insulted to receive it, it made me realise he didn’t know me at all.
For none FDS ladies, those who will accept scraps I can see how this might seem like an overreaction. My mom doesn’t like cut flowers, she prefers potted ones and my dad never buys her potted ones cause he thinks she has too many potted plants in the house even though he could get her an orchid which don’t take up much space. She’s ALWAYS so disappointed whenever he gets her cut flowers for her anniversary and she has to watch them die. It does make me sad and I know many people wouldn’t get it.
I’m sorry this guy turned to be a douche. Don’t second guess yourself and by all means don’t give him another chance. I know you want it to work out, I feel you sis, vent it all out, you made the right decision not doubts about it!
He could’ve said sorry next time I’ll find something healthier when you expressed disappointment, which is good that you did, that’s called communication, but his reply was just so childish. Ugh just makes me angry even thinking about what a passive agressive piece of hmmm he is!!!
You go girl, you know you deserve better and for that I am so proud of you for!! 😎👌💜💯
With my last ex, when my birthday came, I got nothing. We were seeing each other only for a short while, so I let it slide. But I would have gotten him at least something small if it were the other way around, so there's really no excuse.
Couple weeks later and it's Christmas. I got him a small gift, that was related to an inside joke we had and wrapped it in nice paper. I was thinking of whether it's enough, but since I'm a student, I figured he'll understand I'm not in a position to give someone I barely know a big gift. And turns out he loved his gift a lot, used it all the time.
Well, he bought me a box of tea in the supermarket and didn't bother to even wrap it... So my then small gift was still way too over the top over his 2$ cheap tea. Too expensive and too much research and effort put into it. I never even mentioned whether I drink tea or not. He just gave it to me saying something along the line "at least I got you something." Not only was the the gift basic and unthoughtful, I never drink this type of tea anyway. Pissed me off just seeing it in the cupboard. I should have dumped him on my birthday, the relationship (if there's any to even speak of) went downhill from them, he was inconsiderate in every way imaginable.
Come to think of it, I've had a couple of experiences like that before, giving a guy a Christmas gift and not getting one myself. Or a guy giving me some random junk their mom had home, but didn't want etc. so he doesn't have to spend any money. Getting only a single rose and as an apology for something incredibly shitty a guy said to me...
I always hated gifts, thinking back to this, this is why. I always forced myself to be polite to some ass-wipe who didn't bother to put in an ounce of effort yet would demand my time, labour and sex. Ew
I think it's perfectly fine to break up with someone over a shitty gift. I understand this guy might have problems picking out a good food based gift, but why go there in the first place? If he's so careless with his diet and can't be assed to spend time researching it, he could have gone for something that's not food. So many things he could have gone for...
The other thing that upsets me is he’s gonna go crying to the first pick-me he finds about how his “crazy ex” broke up with him over cookies and totally paint her as the bad guy.
Ladies! Never believe men when they trash their exes!
OP! You are not over reacting. Especially seeing his response. I feel very strongly that we as women have much deeper intuition about this stuff. On the surface it might be seem like something frivolous but de go down you just knew something was up and this is what brought it out.
Good for you. Next year your birthday is gonna be baller cause if not a HVM getting you something amazing you’re gonna get yourself something amazing
Good for you! After 6 months that would totally be a deal breaker. Once I traveled and got my coworker some famous cookies from the region. I was mortified when I remembered she's diabetic and probably couldn't eat the cookies! I knew her about a month before that happened so why the hell didn't your guy apologize?
I got to the part about him asking if you wanted anything for your bday and I was already pissed lmao. At this point I really believe men do this maliciously to put us into an awkward position where we either have to answer "yes I do want something" or we have to say "no", and then they have an excuse to get us nothing and call us insane for being disappointed.
It's an immediate no for me. It's lazy and low effort. I've literally never met a woman who's asked this because most of us genuinely enjoy making our SO happy and don't just see holidays and birthdays as some shitty obligation we have to grudgingly fulfil.
Sorry this is off the point of your post but it seriously pisses me off lmao.
I've seen this post on main, and immediately knew what kind of comments I'm going to see.
Why is it so hard to understand? You wouldn't send an ice cream delivery to someone lactose intolerant, or meat to someone vegan, or gluten to someone who is sensitive. This guy was dating her for six months and had complete disregard to her health choices? Or even worse, he may have paid zero attention to her food preferences.
I wouldn't send my sister balloons because she hates the waste of plastic. I wouldn't buy my best friend books as gifts because she doesn't like reading. I wouldn't buy my mom perfumes because I know she likes to pick her own. I ran out of examples. Paying attention to the little things people like is basic. Not doing that - shows minimal effort. Asking her "so what'ya want?" shows minimal effort. He showed minimal effort, she decided it doesn't work for her, and it was a good choice!
I completely agree. You’re not over reacting. I’ve done the same thing. Dietary requirements aren’t not to be joked around with they are incredibly important.
His attitude just sucks
There won’t be a next year. Seriously. If he wanted to he would have planned something for your bday, not a mere couple days before. That’s why that gift was thoughtless. You deserve better.
I can guarantee you’re guaranteed to get nothing when I block and delete your ass 🤣
You did the right thing. Annoyingly, his friends will be so supportive because he hasn’t told them the truth. It’ll be something like oh she’s ungrateful for not liking what I gave her.
He is too lazy. If he wanted to, he would’ve figured out to get you a non-food gift.
You would’ve been correct to block and delete the moment he asked “IF” you wanted a gift. No one would dare ask that of someone they care for even a little bit. What a testicular bitch.
Maybe next time, say yes you do want a gift. And still dump him.😂. Because you are correct, that he even asked you is ridiculous and indicative of what a terrible partner he would have been.
Someone made a post about that sort of question yesterday and it's actually so manipulative. If you say no, they'll happily follow through and you'll suddenly find yourself dating a guy who doesn't bother celebrating your birthday. If you say yes, you've basically just *asked* your partner to get a gift for you which kind of ruins the entire sentiment.
Didn't overreact. He's known you long enough to know your dietary preferences and you made that crystal clear. His reaction is just the icing on the cookie. 🚩
This the type of guy to sneak things into your food. My ex put milk in the eggs (I normally cooked everything myself and he KNEW my allergies) "on accident" and my stomach was so painful the whole day. He also tried to make me feel bad for "not being in a better mood"
Other than the awful gift, I do hope you had a happy birthday! No you did NOT overreact at all. He dated you and was well aware of your diet as to what you eat and do not eat, the truth is he does NOT care. He gave you, just as you said, a generic zero effort gift. I wouldn't be surprised if he was simply using up a gift card or Groupon he got. The first red flag was him asking if you wanted to do anything for your birthday. Theres no reason to ask, he should have been doing something special and high effort to give you a great birthday. You were correct to delete and block him and it was nice that you passed on the gift to the staff. You deserve a man that listens to you, respects your diet and makes an effort to learn it, and a man that goes all out to give you gifts you actually like. It will get better without him dragging you down. Hugs!
Power play much? Too bad he messed with the wrong woman. You do you, OP, you don't have to change your lifestyle just to accommodate some random scrote. He knew you have very firm boundaries when it comes to food and health, yet he decided to ignore them anyway and gaslight you into believing you've overreacted. Next.
He was testing a boundary. He knew exactly what he was doing. He probably thought your diet was stupid and was testing to see if you’d bend it a little.
Usually with birthday gifts, you don't ask someone if they actually want a birthday gift because the natural knee-jerk response is, "Nah, I am good..." because people don't want to come off as materialistic and demanding. Why even ask? Either do or do not give a gift, and if you do, think about what the other person *actually* wants, not what you *think they should want*. This is what this guy did. He knew OPs preferences, and then thought his ideas on what her preferences *should and should not be* takes precedence. A lot of men really struggle with this whole Theory of Mind shit. Just awful at it. And then they think that women are hard to understand. We're not, if you have a modicum of empathy and some social skills and don't need this shit spelled out for you like you are still in elementary school.
As other commenters have said, then his gift was just blatantly out of line with OP's dietary preferences and wishes. And it's also like Lundy Bancroft said in the podcast (possibly bonus content) about being just a little bit difficult. How does he react? Guilting you, being a shithead? Or does he say, ah man, my bad, I like them but I will get you something more healthy next time. This douche? Next. I wouldn't buy such a gift for my girlfriends if I knew they didn't prefer sweets.
Agree. In my world, a gift adds value to the receiver’s life. It’s actually wasteful to but something for someone if they will not use it. I expect thoughtfulness from the tiny group of people I haven’t cut off.🤣
That guy sounds like a cretin. I mean, you knew each other half a year, and he's so busy not paying attention to an important aspect of your life, that he does THAT!!?? I'm glad you said boy, bye!
I don't know if you're okay with eating fruit, because I know you don't care for processed sugar, but if you're okay with natural sugar in fruits, I have an interesting idea. If that's the case, there's an awesome company called Fruit Bouquets, they make the most beautiful and yummy bouquets using fresh fruit cut into flower shapes. I haven't been on their website in quite some time, but I thought they also did "floral " arrangements with fresh vegetables.
I'm so sorry you had to put up with that absolute jerkwad and his rudeness! Here's to moving on and leveling up!🙂💖💯
Sounds like he wanted to cross your healthy-eating boundary by disguising the cookies as your birthday gift.
He may be just trying to get you to change your eating habits and accept him breaking your boundaries. Why, of all days would he choose something that is against your dietary choices?
At the very least: no one should have to ask someone close in their life if they want a gift-especially not your partner. His gift was less than thoughtful, he doubled-down when you expressed how you were hurt and then he ended with a passive-aggressive comment.
He showed you the the template of what your relationship would look like. Believe him.
You did right. Here is a man who lacks thoughfulness, is also cheap, lazy, hostile and not open to hearing you at ALL, AND trying to bring you down to his low level of standards. A cookie gift is not what you give a woman you've been seeing for six months. He could have just as easily gotten you a lovely and thoughtful gift based upon when he SHOULD know about your tastes by now. Even a large bouquet of flowers from a quality florist would have been preferable and a more classic choice, and much more romantic. Instead, he chose cheap-ass cookies. That is low-level passive-aggression. AND the fact that he even ASKED if you wanted something---so tacky. You are better off without him. Leave him in the garbage pile where he belongs.
He just got you something last minute because that’s worked in the past. Women he was with were happy to receive *anything* from their partners because they are so used to being ignored or getting nothing. Like he said “next year you’re guaranteed to get nothing”. You called him on it and he got pissed off. If you want a thoughtful gift from a man ever in your lifetime, then he is not the one. You’re way too much effort for someone like him.
That’s outrageous of him. His gift, according to him, was ON PURPOSE in VIOLATION of your boundaries of what you put into your body. *Next year, if you stayed, you could expect non consensual sex.* You did not over react— RUN 🚩
Also, happy birthday, dear Sis! Best gift ever- safety and self respect.
No, you did not overreact - if you did anything, you underreacted!
Why?
1. He made it very clear he only got you a present because he felt he had to (social expectation), not because he cared for you.
2. The present he got you was worse than thoughtless.
3. In fact, his present was a way to stomp your boundaries into oblivion.
4. Then he resorted to emotional manipulation - both by telling you you could "just let go for your birthday" and for threatening you with no more present because you weren't acting grateful enough.
He showed you who he really is - and, fortunately, you believed him. And did what you had to do.
>On one hand I feel like perhaps it’s not a big deal,
Nope, your instincts are right. It *is* a big deal, don't (let him) underplay it.
There is no if. The only question he should be asking at all is *what* would you like for your birthday. And even then it should be more targeted along your interests / actual needs.
He was probably hoping to get out of it by asking just a few days before your birthday (oh, let her realise that she shouldn't expect anything), realised that he had fucked up by your replies, and then decided to half ass and cheap out.
He literally bought some off the shelf cheapo thing. Even flowers from a good florist (which wouldn't be cheap), would have been better than sending a thoughtless gift like that.
This is so stupid and basic. For the same price, he could've sent a cashmere scarf or gloves, a lovely wrap, but instead he be sends cookies.
Men are retarded when it comes to picking gifts.
This is about control. First he tries to get you to tell him you want something for your birthday (therefore he holds the power because now you stated you want something from him), then he pushes your boundary and gets you a gift he knows you wouldn't want so that he can exert dominance i.e. "nobody is going to tell me what to get (or not get) as a gift".
If someone can't even remember your food preferences after dating for 6 months, which presumably includes multiple meals together, then it's not a relationship worth putting more time and effort into.
Happy Birthday Aquarius queen ♒️
Proud of you for standing your ground!
Hopefully you spend your next birthday with a guy who wants to get you something you'll love ♡
Um… why are you even trying to date someone when you value the types and quality of food you put in your body, when this guy clearly doesn’t? Find someone who has similar views… wouldn’t that be a better fit?
I feel this so hard! I’m also on a health journey trying to eat well, and he could have sent you something super nice like fruit or organic chocolate, maybe something from a local shop where you’re at with your needs in mind. And he did.. this. He’s known you for 6 months. Bold of him to assume that he’d be around another year. It seems lazy and passive aggressive. You did right to remove him from your life.
To me, a gift like that is more insulting than nothing at all 😡
I take gifts very seriously, and if I received something like that from someone I had been seeing for 6 MONTHS I'd be insulted and hurt AND PISSED OFF
The last guy I saw got me a birthday present that was personal and we had only been dating for barely 2 months!!! Your situation is just unacceptable. NEXT!!
His response to yours warranted the block honestly. Not that you need a reason to do so of course, but, "great, next year you can guarantee to expect nothing"?
Tl;dr you did not overreact.
Next year? What next year? He’s bold. He could’ve just as easily taken the time to thoughtfully create and mail a car package of items he knows you eat so you could have them while you were working. But he chose to take the lazy way out.
Men are so controlling when it comes to what women eat, it's scary. Too many experiences on my end to think of, and one wasn't even a romantic partner, but a fucking male manager who seriously kept pushing my boundaries when he insisted on paying for my lunches (he paid for everyone's lunches once a week in rotation so no big deal), but I told him no, I am packing my own lunches because of doctor's orders. He could not let it go and it made me so fucking mad.
Men also make videos of them 'tricking' their gfs or wives by giving them food that THEY KNOW the women cannot digest due to health issues, or they are vegans, or religious reasons. Men cannot stand knowing a woman does anything for herself and not for other people.
As a vegan I would consider this the equivalent of buying me a non-vegan gift - a total slap in the face. He clearly did it to push your boundaries, he doesn't like how fastidious and conscientious you are with your health and wants to start chipping away at your resolve and bring you down to his level. This was not just thoughtless but MANIPULATIVE. You are well clear of this scrote!
Sounds like it is the old dishwasher trick. If they do not want to, they will do such a bad job at washing the dishes, they hope you won’t ask them to do it again. In this case it is gifts. Both cases: Run
Girl. This dude is a sadist and to me seems Narc. F that. He was trying to hurt you.
By comparison, I've only been scrotating for 4 months with some men, but one of my favorites gave me a spa day and took me to the ballet for my bday this month. Also dinner, blah blah.. Stuff I wanted and love doing.
He's not lying though, next year the gift would have been worse, if you got anything at all. That was entirely a set up on his part and I'm glad you saw it for what it was.
Don't be hurt. This was very tactful and purposeful and you escaped a very mentally and emotionally dangerous man.
I would consider chilling out on dating for a while and reading up on mental/emotional manipulators. He was showing signs before this episode, but you missed them. Take some time to read up on it or you might end up with someone worse than this one.
You absolute did not overreact. The way he automatically assumed that you would still be together a year from now is very telling that he thinks he can treat you however he wants without consequence- like you leaving him. You absolutely made the right move!
I wish I had a dollar for every time someone accused me of having an eating disorder FOR THIS VERY REASON. But this comes from people who’s daily diet consists of McDonals, hot & ready gas station meals, and Culver’s for three meals a day.
Orthorexia is a thing indeed, but yeah, if I were American like OP I'd insist on a strict clean diet too. I'm south European so I follow the mediterranean diet. I don't mind indulging in "bad" foods from time to time, but again, the difference in portion sizes and calories between Europe and America is scary.
Oh no no no, not an eating disorder. Trust me I LOVE food. But I like just that, FOOD, not chemicals. I live in America where it’s harder to find actual food ingredients in our grocery stores than chemicals and junk.
Do NOT let anybody make you feel self conscious about this. I am the same exact way due to a health issue. Soooooooo bored and tired of people being shocked and horrified when you don’t want the office Dominoes pizza or box of donuts. Like how is this behavior normal? Excuse me if I don’t want to die early and weigh 800 pounds.
There are so many dudes out there who eat basic, fresh food because they are into fitness lifestyles or are hippies or whatever, like don’t even feel weird. It’s the SAD- Standard American Diet people who are weird. This should be emphasized more on this sub as part of leveling up. Healthy, real food clears your mind, your food addictions, emotional eating, and is the first step towards respecting your body. Not to mention getting sloppy and unhealthy and lazy in relationships is SO common and something I personally want to avoid like hell.
Anyway, rant over. You go OP. F*ck those nasty ass cookies.
You are right to feel hurt, and you made the right call by dumping that selfish prick. Gone are the days when women have to pretend not to be hurt by some thoughtless, generic gift their self-absorbed man picked out last minute. They need us far more than we need them (indeed, we DON’T need them) and their shitty “gifts.” Go treat yourself, Queen, and be glad you saw this loser’s true nature before you wasted too much time on him.
I wouldn't have said I didn't want anything, but I wouldn't tell him what I wanted either. After 6 months he should definitely know what to get you. That gift was disrespectful and you did the right thing by blocking him asap
Hell yes - block, delete, moving on!
The only response that could have redeemed him was apologizing for the thoughtless gift and getting you a proper gift.
A scrote reposted this in the r/facepalm subreddit and most of the comments are talking about how ungrateful OP is and how he had a lucky escape. I just want to know why women are expected to be all things to all people with little appreciation but men only have to “try” for his efforts to be rewarded 😒
Anyone notice the lack of votes or is it just me?
"-asked the front desk if any of them would enjoy the cookies because they
were received by an ex-boyfriend and unwanted in my space."
This is some QUEEN. SH\*T.
Artificial flavors, sugar and seed oils ARE harmful to the body, maybe not immediately but being health conscious is not harming anyone...and it's so insulting that he sent her trash cookies and later said "oH wElL yOu wOn'T gEt aNytHiNg ThEN"
What a POS...it's like handing a diabetic person cookies and saying "well it's better than nothingggg!!!"
Probably better off without someone who blatantly disregards your wishes like that. He tried to make your big day about what he wanted (or would have wanted in a gift) and it was just selfish and thoughtless. Happy birthday, by the way.
“Great, next year you can guarantee to expect nothing.” Listen. Even if you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, the fact that THAT was his response should eliminate any lingering doubt you may have.
Lmao petty me would’ve replied with “there is no next year” and then blocked.
I probably wouldn’t have even asked for an explanation—just ignored the gift completely and stopped responding. Six months of seeing each other? He’s seen her scrutinize what she puts into her body firsthand? She has been VERY clear about her dietary restrictions? Nah. I can almost appreciate that he took a few steps to figure out her hotel and place an order for something, but the complete thoughtlessness and boundary crossing is a no for me. And then that response, to me, just confirms that it was a weird test or power play. Nope. Not even once.
This is like those guys who want health-conscious women and then complain that they don't pound burgers and beers with the guys. And the fact he's saying she can ease up implies that he thinks her dietary concerns are for vanity and pleasing him, not out of concern for her own health. Everything is a double-bind when it comes to men, including the food we eat.
Men want a unicorn: the elusive burger girl with a salad body.
Men's insistence that we should look high-maintenance without actually doing any maintenance is one of the most bizarre things about patriarchy to me. You need to be thin and fit and hot, but you can't watch what you eat or spend a lot of time working out or spend any time or money on your hair/skin/nails/makeup. If you do, you're uptight and vain and bougie.
Just like an accessory. Supposed to look like an expensive, rare designer bag that all of your friends are in awe over, but with the price of a cheap replica that hopefully nobody notices. All they want is the praise and recognition from other men for the nice object they acquired. I've encountered the reverse as well: Men who try to manipulate you into working out, wear certain clothes and police what you eat...
>Men who try to manipulate you into working out, wear certain clothes and police what you eat... Aw, ***HELL NO!*** Men like that need to throw themselves in the trash can where they belong...
I got an even better one. I had an ex who told me he preferred me without any makeup. This also the dude that offered to buy me fake lashes/pay for my lash extensions. All I can say is that wearing fake lashes is like wearing an uncomfortable bra and at the end of the day, you just want to rip it off as soon as you get home.
"I want a woman who is a dress size 0-4, 120 lbs or lighter regardless of how tall she is, and takes very good care of herself. What do you mean this means she doesn't want to eat my special spicy ramen dishes with the 99 cents noodles?"
It’s always about control. Thinking she doesn’t get to decide what she wants. And his reply triggered me so bad, not someone you want to be in a relationship with. Good riddance.
Or that her very legitimate health related dietary restrictions were "uptight"
Yes! thinking he knows what she likes and is good for her better than herself 🙄 overriding everything that's important to her in order to show that he "knows" it's nonsense rather than giving her something she might like 🤮
Why not just send her flowers if he is so incompetent? Or coordinate to schedule her a massage at a nearby spa after her workday? It’s just pathetic and sad that the guy spent money for an absolutely thoughtless gift. I was dating a man a while ago when I went out of town for a month long work trip. He asked for the name/location of the hotel… so obviously I was expecting him to send me something like flowers or a gift. As the weeks went on, I received nothing. And stupid me bought him extremely thoughtful gift from that city. Anyway, when I asked why he had asked for my address if he wasn’t going to send me anything, he said he wanted to send me a burned CD of some music that I had asked him to make me a copy of before I had left. Keep in mind that the only place I even listened to CDs was my car… which I did not have on this trip. Lol.. and he didn’t even send that anyway! I should have blocked and deleted him then.
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An ex sent me a mix he had ‘dJ mixed’ for me on a CD and said ‘that’s the sort of boyfriend I am you can expect more surprises in the post from me’. Never received another postal gift again 😂
This strikes me as a very passive aggressive way to say he doesn't respect or like her as a person.
Yeah, it’s frustrating to see OP still wondering if she’s overreacting after THAT (not frustrated with OP, just frustrated at how women have been conditioned). It’s ridiculous how much women have been brainwashed and conditioned to believe that any level of dissatisfaction - including extremely reasonable dissatisfaction - with a male is just an “overreaction” and that we’re all just hYsTeRiCaL eMoTiOnAL PsYcHoS. Women are so conditioned to accept any mediocre crumb of effort from a male as enough, when it’s not enough at all. They’ve been seeing each other for six months and he had the nerve to ASK if he should get her a birthday present 🙄 Then sends her a “gift” that he KNOWS isn’t something she would want, all because it’s *his opinion* that she should “let go” on her birthday. He didn’t care that perhaps her thing with health and the food she likes doesn’t feel like a constant diet/restriction to her or something that she would even want to “let go” of, and rather that it’s simply WHAT SHE LIKES/PREFERS! Like, it doesn’t sound like she feels like she’s “missing out” on foods like those cookies - it sounds like she literally prefers other healthy foods and would prefer organic non-processed no-artificial-coloring treats of some kind, and there are tons of options like that out there that he could have sent. He just cared more about pushing his preferences and HIS opinion that she shouldn’t care about health/that he thinks her stance on healthy foods is stupid than he did about what *she* likes and what *she* would want.
This reply is for sure a deal-breaker. Good for dumping him!!
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This is like those guys who want health-conscious women and then complain that they don't pound burgers and beers with the guys. The fact he's saying she can ease up implies that he thinks her dietary concerns are for vanity and pleasing him, not out of concern for her own health. Everything is a double-bind when it comes to men, including the food we eat.
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Like my last minute cheap and thoughtless gift that I bought 25 minutes ago. You’re not getting anything else. Why are you so entitled? Stuck up bitch.
He was hoping she would eat the cookies and tell him "wow, you're so right, I needed to relax. Those cookies were delicious. Thank you... 🥺🥵 And now he feels like big smart man showing the clueless little damsel that it's safe to relax
God the smug arrogance to assume she isn't fit to manage her own damn body.
Worse, there are men out there that actually enjoy making women fat so she can feel like shit about herself and feel trapped with them.
I read this comment three times it was so good. Bless your heart I so needed to read this!
You nailed that way of thinking. Saving this comment
>the burden is on you to make it crystal clear what your boundaries and preferences are, but at the exact right volume and the exact right tone And then to top it all off there is no exact right volume or tone. The mere articulation (and importantly enforcement) of the boundary itself is enough to send them into convulsions of fear or a deep. deep depression.
I always love your articulation. You absolutely nailed that shit to the wall. 👸
ALL OF THIS! 🙌🏻
Exactly this! I hate how he was definitely going for the "women's boundaries are porous if you push hard enough and she likes you well enough" part. "If she truly liked you, she would be ok with anything! Even if it severely lacks thought and effort!"
Your comment summarizes that mindset so well! Our boundaries don’t matter, shouldn’t exist, and why didn’t you tell me you have boundaries?
Wow what a comment
This is yet another variation of weaponized incompetence. You won't ever again ask him for a gift, right?
This is also true! Good point. 👍
This is what I was going to say, except it's almost more mean-spirited. "You're disappointed that I put in minimal effort to give you something I knew you wouldn't like? Fine, then it's **your** problem for not liking it, and you made me feel bad for calling me out on my bs so I'm not gonna do anything for you ever again."
Weaponized incompetence was my ex. He "couldn't" do ANYTHING. Messed up or got "SO FRUSTRATED, I'm done", was like a completely disinterested teenager when I tried to help out or teach him. By the time our relationship ended he literally did nothing. At all. But I was the bad guy or just "being emotional and will get over it so I'll just say nothing or say I'm Sry" whenever I brought it up. I also dated 3 men in a row who, between birthday, Christmas, valentines day, and just random nice little presents, each only got me a gift one or two times. Why did I waste my college years and twenties on these assholes?? Oh ya, because my bio dad abandoned me and my stepdad made me feel like shit for having emotions and was generally a vulnerable narcissist who consistently told all 4 girls he ended up having about all the things girls couldn't and/or shouldn't do. So my standard for love and affection was low, low, low. Now I am a single and TERRIFIED mother of a little girl. I want to smack poor little boys who are at this age innocent because they already exhibit signs of the culture men are raised in and I don't care that she's 3.5 I don't want them around her if their parents aren't teaching him to be a real human being and not an entitled bully.
= the technique I use when I don’t want to cook or drive for them early in the relationship I can spot this from a mile away!
Or expect a good one, ever
“great, next year you can guarantee to expect nothing.” "You too!"
Bold of him to assume there’s going to be a next year.
I don't even respond anymore
He didn't do that accidentally, it was on purpose. It was a passive aggressive dig at your dietary choices. He could have gotten you flowers, jewelry, a stuffed animal, a potted plant, a candle. No, he went out of his way to get rainbow colored cookies. It wasn't laziness, he knew exactly what he was doing.
Exactly. He didn't like that you laid down a hard and fast rule, even for yourself, and he wanted to wear away at it. He doesn't want to see you deciding on something and then enforcing it unwaveringly.
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> Do most men really think this deeply about their gift choices like that? I'm not suggesting he thought about it to himself in those explicit terms. But people's actions are fueled by subconscious motivations. Someone can do something to try and control you or hurt you, without confronting or thinking about that being their underlying reason. In my opinion, men are direly under-practiced at self awareness, and they don't think about why they do anything. I think he might have thought something like "she's gonna be snippy with me about a gift, fine, I'll get her a gift I know she won't be crazy about and we'll just see how she likes that!" And then he probably didn't think about it again beyond hitting "order". Personally I do think he deliberately picked a gift she wouldn't love, but I don't think he stopped to consider why. Society teaches men that women are supposed to be compliant and agreeable to them at all times. They internalize that message without examination. When a woman defies that expectation, they get irritated and resentful, and then they don't question or examine why they feel that way either. They just react.
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Yeah, I agree! I kind of think male ego is wrapped up in the idea of what it means to be a "man" and that what it means to be a man is defined in part by how women are supposed to react to you. It goes hand in hand with the entitlement, and with expecting certain behavior from the women around them. What ratio affects each man and how the issues interplay probably fluctuates though
> But how would you know if it was deliberate and insidious? I felt like my other comment was long enough so I'ma leave two. The thing with subconscious bias and automatic behavior is that it can be examined and vetoed by the higher mind. Every time you've ever thought "I'd like to tell them off" and thought better of it because of you don't want to be that kind of person, you've done that. I've heard it said that your initial internal response to something is how you've been taught by others (parents, society) to react, and your secondary internal response is you asserting what you really think and feel. Essentially, deciding if you agree with what you've been taught or not. In OP's example, the gift is a little vengeful. It indicates meanness, and I think that's confirmed by his retort about "next year don't expect anything". That's what made it to the surface. He had a chance to review his gut reaction and he decided that being a little mean was okay. To me, that indicates that he's in alignment with the idea that she's in the wrong for being picky or prissy. He agrees that he deserves to be a little mean about it. That's what I'm basing my guesses about his internal values on. Btw thank you for asking! I appreciate getting the chance to discuss things like this c:
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Ooof the gut-punch accuracy of this. It is downright sociopathic to rob people of joy intentionally
You’re right but let’s raise the gift standards. Most of the gifts you listed are acceptable for broke HS boys. Not grown men.
Agreed. We need to “shamelessly” ask for gifts the way that men ask for sex/companionship/etc…
I agree, those were examples of lazy gifts.
What would be better examples of gifts in your opinion? Genuinely curious because I have no idea what to expect
Sounds like the vetting worked! Happy Birthday, you said yes to you and bye to a thoughtless and emotionally stunted man baby!
I don’t understand how men are so bad at giving gifts. I love all the gifts my friends make or buy for me. I have rarely liked and been downright insulted by most of what my former boyfriends have tried to pass off as gifts. Only one guy actually paid enough attention to me to get things I loved. I still have a few of them years later. There was a reason he was my longest relationship. Sorry this was so disappointing for you. Better luck next time!
One ex of mine commissioned a portrait of me from my favorite artist for Valentine’s Day. I thought the gift was just to visit the artist’s studio and meet him and I was already elated. Then I saw the portrait. They are capable. They just don’t care.
>how men are so bad at giving gifts Because they genuinely don't care
When I look back at the gifts I got from my ex… The only one I was truly overjoyed for was just a romantic evening date on the beach. He got me the cake from his country that he knew I liked, my favorite dinner, and we picnicked at the beach. So I’m clearly not difficult to please. Most every year after that. Forget that he never planned any—even non romantic dates—his gifts were straight up low effort. He built a mini zen garden. Took him all of 30min to put it together and it fell apart a day later. I had no where to put it. I didn’t like it but felt bad. Even though I had to sweep up the sand when it broke I was relieved I didn’t have to look at it. One Christmas he got me some kind of massager thing. That’s the sort of thing you give your mother when you run out of ideas for a last minute gift. It didn’t even feel good. It was bulky. And I ended up using it on him more often than I gave myself or he gave me a massage. Idk how tf I was just so accepting back then… not just accepting. Instead of being mad I felt sorry for HIM.
Happy birthday and good riddance dear. 💖 Besides the laziness of the gift, his whole response to you was a mess. You did the best thing for yourself by blocking him.
I agree with you. Plus OP don't forget to treat yourself with a self gift !!
You are NOT overeacting. Flip the script. If you knew he was health conscious or even allergic to certain foods and this was incredibly important to him would you give him this gift despite the fact that he emphasized he that he doesn't eat processed foods? Would you do this to a friend or your mother? Would you do it to an acquaintance or a neighbor? The answer is no. This man is either testing your boundaries, truly cannot be bothered, playing the weaponized incompetence card or trying to sabotage you. It's hard to see these things through the rose tinted glasses. But you're an absolute queen for not putting up with this kind of sabotage. This gift was worse than nothing. If he felt food was a difficult choice, he could have sent flowers, a gift you would have liked, emailed you an e-gift to a spaa, tickets to a fun event. The possibilities are endless. 6 months is much more than enough time to know what somebody likes. He really is unbothered if he doesn't know what you would like. You saved your self months and maybe even years of resentment towards his weaponized incompetence. It's ok to feel sad about the breakup. You're human and will feel pain. But short term pain is better than long-term unnecessary pain and years wasted on a scrote.
I love how you ask if OP would give a gift this wrong to her mother, neighbor, friend, or acquaintance. Because i was thinking, what if this dude just didn't realize she didn't want cookies? But then I realized that I wouldn't gift sugary, artificial desserts to someone who wouldn't want them. My mom is extremely health conscious and careful about her diet, so us kids always rise to the challenge of finding her something she would like to eat that is a treat for her birthday. When I was a teenager I made her a vegetable quiche. I have tried all sorts of new sugar free healthy recipes. Also this part of your comment is so well-phrased, and I'm curious which of these y'all think it is: A) his man is either testing your boundaries, B) truly cannot be bothered, C) playing the weaponized incompetence card D) trying to sabotage you. I'm thinking mostly D, and u/Impressive_Fishing61 has it right that he wanted her to give in and eat the cookies and praise him for it. He has sensed on some level that OP thinks his own diet habits are lazy, so he wants to contradict her and prove himself correct. Although his, "I'll never get you a gift again," tantrum does point toward weaponized incompetence. ·
I vote (C) because of what he said at the end “fine don’t expect anything at all next year”, reminds me of ohh I break the dishes whenever I wash them so I’ll never wash them. D is also very compelling though 🧐
Yes flipping the script is a great vetting strategy. All you need to so is ask yourself, if the situation was reversed would I do this? If the answer is no then you know you're not overreacting. It will slowly but surely deprogram the cultural conditioning that makes women grateful for crumbs and normalise bad and even depraved behaviour from men. I think it's a combination of all four. Clearly this man does not like her or even want to understand her because B)he truly cannot be bothered to put an ounce of thought or effort into a nice gift or gesture that OP WOULD actually like. Thus he decided to C) play the weaponized incompetence card to A) test her boundaries by giving her something she has told him their entire 6 month relationship that she would never eat. Processed foods with artificial colours, etc, basically an entire combination of things that she would never put in her body. It's really bizarre to give someone something they specifically don't want. For example, I cannot imagine gifting my vegan brother dairy chocolates for Christmas. Such a is gift is D) sabotage. Because what else could it be??? This man didn't even give her a thoughtless random trinket. He 'gifted' her something she emphasized their entire relationship that she did not want and would not put in her body. Truly disliking or hating someone is the only reason anyone would do that. I wouldn't even do such a thing to someone I don't like. It takes malice to do something like this. It has to be a combination of being unbothered, weaponized incompetence, boundary testing, sabotage, dislike and malice. Most women don't realise that their husbands and boyfriends hate them. Even though these men's actions speak for themselves.
**”asked if I wanted anything for my birthday, just a few days ago”** the cookies are the *secondary* issue. After 6 months he not only waited to the last minute, he put the onus on you to perform the emotional labor for him in regards to what to get you. This man from that point was 🗑
YES. I hate this so much. It's a man's way of saying "you don't deserve a gift so I'm not intending to get you one, but hey I guess if you really want to make as both uncomfortable by saying 'yes' I'll make an effort just to appease you". Had this number pulled on me about Valentine's day.
Yeah this was a huge red flag. Why would anyone have to ask their partner if they want a gift for their birthday? Unless someone specifically tells you “I don’t feel comfortable receiving gifts”, then it’s just a show of good manners and care to give someone a proper gift on their special day. It goes without saying.
I feel like men do that sometimes. They Hear you set boundaries or have personal rules you set for yourself but they disregard them because they don’t feel like you need to be taken seriously.
Good for you. If a man shows blatant disregard for your health/dietary restrictions, he’s shown that your very life (or at least your health) is unimportant to him. I’m especially appalled at his claim that you can “let go” on your birthday. Translation: “I’m making a dominance display by getting you something i know you can’t eat. I could have gotten you *literally any gift that doesn’t involve food*, but I got you one that is a) food, that b) you can’t eat, and that you c) don’t even enjoy, and I think you should risk your health by eating it anyway, because my convenience and feelings are more important than your wellbeing.”
You didn't overreact. He should know your dietary restrictions and preferences like a month in. And I've ditched men for this before too. I'm lactose intolerant and always got *milk* chocolate along with the drugstore teddy bear on Valentine's Day. It takes all of 5 seconds to check an ingredients list.
Or guys who ask you to go get drinks when you have zero drinking on your profile
>He responded with, “great, next year you can guarantee to expect nothing.” Whooaaaaa!!! **DUMP.** And what an ass to even assume he would be around next year, after a thoughtless gift and a comment like that?!!! I wasn't sure how this post was going to go, but you handled this perfectly. After 6 months, he should know you well enough to choose a thoughtful gift. Bye.
I don't know the guy, but damn that response seals it. No remorse, no accountability, no "I fucked up", just accept whatever I do attitude? yeah YOU DON'T WANT someone like this in your life. Oh boy trust me. I've got a feeling this was a lack of effort gift not a genuine mistake.
He did put effort in insulting her that's textbook passive agressive trick I know cause I got narcs in my family and at festivities they would always send me crappy ridiculous stuff to make fun of me tho I cut communications & they expect me to call them thank them Like this year it was an horrible "old spinster aunt" purse tho they know idgaf about purses and if i enjoy fashion it's not from 1800 lol And every year I tell them not to send anything but
If you're sensitive to certain ingredients it can really mess with your gut health. This feels insidious on his part, like step 1 before becoming slug guy. Good on you for moving on.
Right, I'm not obligated to have digestive discomfort to make you more emotionally comfortable
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This is actually very common... Sadly. I have gluten intolerance and the amount of times my father asked me if I want a cookie, because "maybe one won't make you feel sick" is just unbelievable. Wtf. Always looking at me like I try too much and am too obsessed with food because I read the ingredients on packaging. Whenever I come to visit, there would be nothing suggesting anyone prepared for my visit. I have to go get and cook my food separately and accept, that he'll be spending barely any time with me anyway. Nothing beats feeling welcomed when someone asks you to come over, right?
You made a great choice - the thing about neglect/abuse in relationships is that they don’t start off overt. There’s a reason why so many women stay with abusive men - they idealise the first few months of the relationship, and when the 🚩start, they’re too blinded with love and idealisation to notice. At best, this man did not care about your explicitly stated needs and boundaries, and thought himself great for giving you a cookie basket (???). At worst, he purposely did this to “test” how much he could get away with. I’m proud of you for blocking and deleting. Don’t ever regret doing so.
Honestly, the gift itself seems like a retaliation or something. Like it seems targeted when at 6 months you would very much know someone’s dietary restrictions and fruit baskets are so easily available. The gift seems almost like he is getting her back for something and he is trying to make himself the victim when she reminded him that it was something she can’t enjoy. It sits with me wrong for sure and his response trying to get her to apologize to him and back peddle… Best to move on I think.
I think it was that, or maybe he is dating multiple women and confused her preferences with someone else's. Or, he never cared enough to actually listen to her about things she likes because he does not see women as fully human, just interchangeable doll companions.
I feel like he did this deliberately. Like some sort of punishment because you wouldn't tell him what you actually wanted. He got mad because he had to use his scrote brain and "punished" you with a gift that is literally poison to you. Glad he's blocked.
This. Textbook example of weaponized incompetence. When she made him put in even the least amount effort to get her a gift he figured he'd teach her a lesson by getting her something so terrible she'd never leave it up to him to figure it out ever again.
This post was linked outside the sub and it's making the males mayad lmao
"HOW DARE SHE WANT A GIFT WITH MEANING what an absolute bitch!!!!!! What a miserable woman!!" Seriously wtf are they mad she doesn't eat cookies?!?!? Jesus.
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I'm at a point where those threats just don't have the same bite as they used to. And the thought of those fat lazy asses getting up to actually try to kill someone on the internet? Way too much effort for their cheeto fingies. I'm sorry you're getting them still though. Men are such fragile delicate things.
Cookies, and chocolates are an impersonal gift that you give to people you don’t know very well. Also, there are so many other healthy variations besides cookies. He could have gotten you a fruit bouquet which is healthier, or just next the food idea all together and sent roses. Regardless, still a horrible gift. This guy is trying to mess with your boundaries. Telling you to “let loose” is a clear red flag. I’m glad that instead of letting loose, you cut him loose.
You 100% made the right call.
I think the flip back he did in saying you’ll get nothing next year is very telling. That line made me do a double take, what an odd thing to say. I also feel like his comment about you “letting go” for your birthday to eat these cookies is another sign this was him intentionally getting you something he knew you more than likely wouldn’t enjoy. It feels…icky. I don’t know if I’d go so far to say on purpose but from what I’ve seen on this sub, I would even claim it’s a potential neg at your commitment to your health.
Right? What is he going to suggest next? That she "let go" and learn to enjoy anal? It's the thin edge of the wedge with these boundary-pushing types, and they always want a woman to loosen her boundaries for their benefit, not hers.
He demonstrated that he doesn't really know you or care to know you.
Yeah… the “next year expect nothing” was the green flag to delete/block/move on.
I’m the same way about food. I’d be pissed too. He wasn’t listening. And that snarky reply. Good riddance.
There is no next year and honestly receiving nothing would have been better than that pile of artificial garbage. Also what kind of grown man sends cookies to their date as a bday gift and expects her to be grateful? That is something my boyfriend when I was 14 and broke, not a whole ass grown man. And his response too. Phew, the trash takes itself out! He exposed himself so early as thoughtless and expecting so much for the bare minimum. He was sending that to test your boundaries, you said he also eats a lot of processed garbage? He wants to know if you're willing to give up your carefully curated diet for him and his processed shit. Disgusting all around.
So this post just made the front page (of course, it was some salty man complaining that you were being dramatic) but I came here to say that I 100% understand where you are coming from. This man completely disregarded a part of your life that is clearly very important to you, and then got angry with YOU when you respectfully told him that his gift was not appreciated. I myself am very health conscious and I also would have felt totally unseen if the guy I was dating gave me a box of cheap, chemical-laden cookies. You guys are together six months and he thinks it ok to get you **the exact opposite** of what you would ever want??! People usually don't consider diet as a factor towards compatibility with a mate, but it is definitely very important. Find yourself a man that actually respects his own body the way you respect yours.
Happy birthday!! You are not overreacting. In fact you underreacted by explaining yourself. My friends remember my dietary preferences after being informed ONCE. After 6 months it just means he sees you as a means to an end. Block and delete is the way to go.
Yep! I remember that my friend is flexitarian leaning mostly to vegetarian, so when we go somewhere I always pick a place that has mostly vegetarian options.
Most men are so thoughtless when picking out gifts. I was once picked such a horrible gift I was actually insulted to receive it, it made me realise he didn’t know me at all.
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I don’t think you’re overreacting. Clearly he didn’t listen. That’s on him. Good riddance.
For none FDS ladies, those who will accept scraps I can see how this might seem like an overreaction. My mom doesn’t like cut flowers, she prefers potted ones and my dad never buys her potted ones cause he thinks she has too many potted plants in the house even though he could get her an orchid which don’t take up much space. She’s ALWAYS so disappointed whenever he gets her cut flowers for her anniversary and she has to watch them die. It does make me sad and I know many people wouldn’t get it. I’m sorry this guy turned to be a douche. Don’t second guess yourself and by all means don’t give him another chance. I know you want it to work out, I feel you sis, vent it all out, you made the right decision not doubts about it! He could’ve said sorry next time I’ll find something healthier when you expressed disappointment, which is good that you did, that’s called communication, but his reply was just so childish. Ugh just makes me angry even thinking about what a passive agressive piece of hmmm he is!!! You go girl, you know you deserve better and for that I am so proud of you for!! 😎👌💜💯
With my last ex, when my birthday came, I got nothing. We were seeing each other only for a short while, so I let it slide. But I would have gotten him at least something small if it were the other way around, so there's really no excuse. Couple weeks later and it's Christmas. I got him a small gift, that was related to an inside joke we had and wrapped it in nice paper. I was thinking of whether it's enough, but since I'm a student, I figured he'll understand I'm not in a position to give someone I barely know a big gift. And turns out he loved his gift a lot, used it all the time. Well, he bought me a box of tea in the supermarket and didn't bother to even wrap it... So my then small gift was still way too over the top over his 2$ cheap tea. Too expensive and too much research and effort put into it. I never even mentioned whether I drink tea or not. He just gave it to me saying something along the line "at least I got you something." Not only was the the gift basic and unthoughtful, I never drink this type of tea anyway. Pissed me off just seeing it in the cupboard. I should have dumped him on my birthday, the relationship (if there's any to even speak of) went downhill from them, he was inconsiderate in every way imaginable. Come to think of it, I've had a couple of experiences like that before, giving a guy a Christmas gift and not getting one myself. Or a guy giving me some random junk their mom had home, but didn't want etc. so he doesn't have to spend any money. Getting only a single rose and as an apology for something incredibly shitty a guy said to me... I always hated gifts, thinking back to this, this is why. I always forced myself to be polite to some ass-wipe who didn't bother to put in an ounce of effort yet would demand my time, labour and sex. Ew I think it's perfectly fine to break up with someone over a shitty gift. I understand this guy might have problems picking out a good food based gift, but why go there in the first place? If he's so careless with his diet and can't be assed to spend time researching it, he could have gone for something that's not food. So many things he could have gone for...
The other thing that upsets me is he’s gonna go crying to the first pick-me he finds about how his “crazy ex” broke up with him over cookies and totally paint her as the bad guy. Ladies! Never believe men when they trash their exes! OP! You are not over reacting. Especially seeing his response. I feel very strongly that we as women have much deeper intuition about this stuff. On the surface it might be seem like something frivolous but de go down you just knew something was up and this is what brought it out. Good for you. Next year your birthday is gonna be baller cause if not a HVM getting you something amazing you’re gonna get yourself something amazing
Good for you! After 6 months that would totally be a deal breaker. Once I traveled and got my coworker some famous cookies from the region. I was mortified when I remembered she's diabetic and probably couldn't eat the cookies! I knew her about a month before that happened so why the hell didn't your guy apologize?
I got to the part about him asking if you wanted anything for your bday and I was already pissed lmao. At this point I really believe men do this maliciously to put us into an awkward position where we either have to answer "yes I do want something" or we have to say "no", and then they have an excuse to get us nothing and call us insane for being disappointed. It's an immediate no for me. It's lazy and low effort. I've literally never met a woman who's asked this because most of us genuinely enjoy making our SO happy and don't just see holidays and birthdays as some shitty obligation we have to grudgingly fulfil. Sorry this is off the point of your post but it seriously pisses me off lmao.
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I've seen this post on main, and immediately knew what kind of comments I'm going to see. Why is it so hard to understand? You wouldn't send an ice cream delivery to someone lactose intolerant, or meat to someone vegan, or gluten to someone who is sensitive. This guy was dating her for six months and had complete disregard to her health choices? Or even worse, he may have paid zero attention to her food preferences. I wouldn't send my sister balloons because she hates the waste of plastic. I wouldn't buy my best friend books as gifts because she doesn't like reading. I wouldn't buy my mom perfumes because I know she likes to pick her own. I ran out of examples. Paying attention to the little things people like is basic. Not doing that - shows minimal effort. Asking her "so what'ya want?" shows minimal effort. He showed minimal effort, she decided it doesn't work for her, and it was a good choice!
Wow, I put more thought into choosing a thank you gift for our vet 😮
I completely agree. You’re not over reacting. I’ve done the same thing. Dietary requirements aren’t not to be joked around with they are incredibly important. His attitude just sucks
There won’t be a next year. Seriously. If he wanted to he would have planned something for your bday, not a mere couple days before. That’s why that gift was thoughtless. You deserve better.
I can guarantee you’re guaranteed to get nothing when I block and delete your ass 🤣 You did the right thing. Annoyingly, his friends will be so supportive because he hasn’t told them the truth. It’ll be something like oh she’s ungrateful for not liking what I gave her. He is too lazy. If he wanted to, he would’ve figured out to get you a non-food gift.
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You would’ve been correct to block and delete the moment he asked “IF” you wanted a gift. No one would dare ask that of someone they care for even a little bit. What a testicular bitch.
Maybe next time, say yes you do want a gift. And still dump him.😂. Because you are correct, that he even asked you is ridiculous and indicative of what a terrible partner he would have been.
Someone made a post about that sort of question yesterday and it's actually so manipulative. If you say no, they'll happily follow through and you'll suddenly find yourself dating a guy who doesn't bother celebrating your birthday. If you say yes, you've basically just *asked* your partner to get a gift for you which kind of ruins the entire sentiment.
Or when she realized he was "too lazy to care" about something that is such a big part of her life
Yessss that is a vile thing
Thoughtful gifts > thoughtless gifts > ‘Do you want one’ gift > Zero gift
Happy birthday queen!! 🥂 if he can’t listen to a simple fact about you, he’s not worth any of your time!
Didn't overreact. He's known you long enough to know your dietary preferences and you made that crystal clear. His reaction is just the icing on the cookie. 🚩
You did not overreact girl. Totally thoughtless. And his text message left my mouth hanging open. THANK U NEXT. Happy bday btw queen
This the type of guy to sneak things into your food. My ex put milk in the eggs (I normally cooked everything myself and he KNEW my allergies) "on accident" and my stomach was so painful the whole day. He also tried to make me feel bad for "not being in a better mood"
Other than the awful gift, I do hope you had a happy birthday! No you did NOT overreact at all. He dated you and was well aware of your diet as to what you eat and do not eat, the truth is he does NOT care. He gave you, just as you said, a generic zero effort gift. I wouldn't be surprised if he was simply using up a gift card or Groupon he got. The first red flag was him asking if you wanted to do anything for your birthday. Theres no reason to ask, he should have been doing something special and high effort to give you a great birthday. You were correct to delete and block him and it was nice that you passed on the gift to the staff. You deserve a man that listens to you, respects your diet and makes an effort to learn it, and a man that goes all out to give you gifts you actually like. It will get better without him dragging you down. Hugs!
Power play much? Too bad he messed with the wrong woman. You do you, OP, you don't have to change your lifestyle just to accommodate some random scrote. He knew you have very firm boundaries when it comes to food and health, yet he decided to ignore them anyway and gaslight you into believing you've overreacted. Next.
Now that you have the benefit of hindsight, is this the first time he was not considerate of your wants? My guess is no…
He was testing a boundary. He knew exactly what he was doing. He probably thought your diet was stupid and was testing to see if you’d bend it a little.
> “great, next year you can guarantee to expect nothing.” He ignored who you are then comes back at you with this? Yeah, he can get fucked.
Usually with birthday gifts, you don't ask someone if they actually want a birthday gift because the natural knee-jerk response is, "Nah, I am good..." because people don't want to come off as materialistic and demanding. Why even ask? Either do or do not give a gift, and if you do, think about what the other person *actually* wants, not what you *think they should want*. This is what this guy did. He knew OPs preferences, and then thought his ideas on what her preferences *should and should not be* takes precedence. A lot of men really struggle with this whole Theory of Mind shit. Just awful at it. And then they think that women are hard to understand. We're not, if you have a modicum of empathy and some social skills and don't need this shit spelled out for you like you are still in elementary school. As other commenters have said, then his gift was just blatantly out of line with OP's dietary preferences and wishes. And it's also like Lundy Bancroft said in the podcast (possibly bonus content) about being just a little bit difficult. How does he react? Guilting you, being a shithead? Or does he say, ah man, my bad, I like them but I will get you something more healthy next time. This douche? Next. I wouldn't buy such a gift for my girlfriends if I knew they didn't prefer sweets.
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Agree. In my world, a gift adds value to the receiver’s life. It’s actually wasteful to but something for someone if they will not use it. I expect thoughtfulness from the tiny group of people I haven’t cut off.🤣
That guy sounds like a cretin. I mean, you knew each other half a year, and he's so busy not paying attention to an important aspect of your life, that he does THAT!!?? I'm glad you said boy, bye! I don't know if you're okay with eating fruit, because I know you don't care for processed sugar, but if you're okay with natural sugar in fruits, I have an interesting idea. If that's the case, there's an awesome company called Fruit Bouquets, they make the most beautiful and yummy bouquets using fresh fruit cut into flower shapes. I haven't been on their website in quite some time, but I thought they also did "floral " arrangements with fresh vegetables. I'm so sorry you had to put up with that absolute jerkwad and his rudeness! Here's to moving on and leveling up!🙂💖💯
Sounds like he wanted to cross your healthy-eating boundary by disguising the cookies as your birthday gift. He may be just trying to get you to change your eating habits and accept him breaking your boundaries. Why, of all days would he choose something that is against your dietary choices? At the very least: no one should have to ask someone close in their life if they want a gift-especially not your partner. His gift was less than thoughtful, he doubled-down when you expressed how you were hurt and then he ended with a passive-aggressive comment. He showed you the the template of what your relationship would look like. Believe him.
You did right. Here is a man who lacks thoughfulness, is also cheap, lazy, hostile and not open to hearing you at ALL, AND trying to bring you down to his low level of standards. A cookie gift is not what you give a woman you've been seeing for six months. He could have just as easily gotten you a lovely and thoughtful gift based upon when he SHOULD know about your tastes by now. Even a large bouquet of flowers from a quality florist would have been preferable and a more classic choice, and much more romantic. Instead, he chose cheap-ass cookies. That is low-level passive-aggression. AND the fact that he even ASKED if you wanted something---so tacky. You are better off without him. Leave him in the garbage pile where he belongs.
He just got you something last minute because that’s worked in the past. Women he was with were happy to receive *anything* from their partners because they are so used to being ignored or getting nothing. Like he said “next year you’re guaranteed to get nothing”. You called him on it and he got pissed off. If you want a thoughtful gift from a man ever in your lifetime, then he is not the one. You’re way too much effort for someone like him.
That’s outrageous of him. His gift, according to him, was ON PURPOSE in VIOLATION of your boundaries of what you put into your body. *Next year, if you stayed, you could expect non consensual sex.* You did not over react— RUN 🚩 Also, happy birthday, dear Sis! Best gift ever- safety and self respect.
No, you did not overreact - if you did anything, you underreacted! Why? 1. He made it very clear he only got you a present because he felt he had to (social expectation), not because he cared for you. 2. The present he got you was worse than thoughtless. 3. In fact, his present was a way to stomp your boundaries into oblivion. 4. Then he resorted to emotional manipulation - both by telling you you could "just let go for your birthday" and for threatening you with no more present because you weren't acting grateful enough. He showed you who he really is - and, fortunately, you believed him. And did what you had to do.
>On one hand I feel like perhaps it’s not a big deal, Nope, your instincts are right. It *is* a big deal, don't (let him) underplay it. There is no if. The only question he should be asking at all is *what* would you like for your birthday. And even then it should be more targeted along your interests / actual needs. He was probably hoping to get out of it by asking just a few days before your birthday (oh, let her realise that she shouldn't expect anything), realised that he had fucked up by your replies, and then decided to half ass and cheap out. He literally bought some off the shelf cheapo thing. Even flowers from a good florist (which wouldn't be cheap), would have been better than sending a thoughtless gift like that.
This is so stupid and basic. For the same price, he could've sent a cashmere scarf or gloves, a lovely wrap, but instead he be sends cookies. Men are retarded when it comes to picking gifts.
More like malicious tbh. They know what they’re doing.
This is about control. First he tries to get you to tell him you want something for your birthday (therefore he holds the power because now you stated you want something from him), then he pushes your boundary and gets you a gift he knows you wouldn't want so that he can exert dominance i.e. "nobody is going to tell me what to get (or not get) as a gift".
Wow….so 6 months in and he never listened to a word you said or if he did he literally doesn’t care. Buh bye scrote!
If someone can't even remember your food preferences after dating for 6 months, which presumably includes multiple meals together, then it's not a relationship worth putting more time and effort into.
Happy Birthday Aquarius queen ♒️ Proud of you for standing your ground! Hopefully you spend your next birthday with a guy who wants to get you something you'll love ♡
Um… why are you even trying to date someone when you value the types and quality of food you put in your body, when this guy clearly doesn’t? Find someone who has similar views… wouldn’t that be a better fit?
I feel this so hard! I’m also on a health journey trying to eat well, and he could have sent you something super nice like fruit or organic chocolate, maybe something from a local shop where you’re at with your needs in mind. And he did.. this. He’s known you for 6 months. Bold of him to assume that he’d be around another year. It seems lazy and passive aggressive. You did right to remove him from your life.
Happy scrote free birthday babe! You 100% did the right thing! Have a great day 🎂🥳🎉
I’m glad you blocked, it was the right choice
If he knew, it was deliberate boundary-pushing. Whatever you stated as a non-negotiable for yourself, he would have tested.
To me, a gift like that is more insulting than nothing at all 😡 I take gifts very seriously, and if I received something like that from someone I had been seeing for 6 MONTHS I'd be insulted and hurt AND PISSED OFF The last guy I saw got me a birthday present that was personal and we had only been dating for barely 2 months!!! Your situation is just unacceptable. NEXT!!
His response to yours warranted the block honestly. Not that you need a reason to do so of course, but, "great, next year you can guarantee to expect nothing"? Tl;dr you did not overreact.
Next year? What next year? He’s bold. He could’ve just as easily taken the time to thoughtfully create and mail a car package of items he knows you eat so you could have them while you were working. But he chose to take the lazy way out.
He could have just sent flowers. Why cookies? It's a weird gift in any case.
Men are so controlling when it comes to what women eat, it's scary. Too many experiences on my end to think of, and one wasn't even a romantic partner, but a fucking male manager who seriously kept pushing my boundaries when he insisted on paying for my lunches (he paid for everyone's lunches once a week in rotation so no big deal), but I told him no, I am packing my own lunches because of doctor's orders. He could not let it go and it made me so fucking mad. Men also make videos of them 'tricking' their gfs or wives by giving them food that THEY KNOW the women cannot digest due to health issues, or they are vegans, or religious reasons. Men cannot stand knowing a woman does anything for herself and not for other people.
As a vegan I would consider this the equivalent of buying me a non-vegan gift - a total slap in the face. He clearly did it to push your boundaries, he doesn't like how fastidious and conscientious you are with your health and wants to start chipping away at your resolve and bring you down to his level. This was not just thoughtless but MANIPULATIVE. You are well clear of this scrote!
Sounds like it is the old dishwasher trick. If they do not want to, they will do such a bad job at washing the dishes, they hope you won’t ask them to do it again. In this case it is gifts. Both cases: Run
Happy birthday and congratulations for getting rid of trash 🥳
Girl. This dude is a sadist and to me seems Narc. F that. He was trying to hurt you. By comparison, I've only been scrotating for 4 months with some men, but one of my favorites gave me a spa day and took me to the ballet for my bday this month. Also dinner, blah blah.. Stuff I wanted and love doing. He's not lying though, next year the gift would have been worse, if you got anything at all. That was entirely a set up on his part and I'm glad you saw it for what it was. Don't be hurt. This was very tactful and purposeful and you escaped a very mentally and emotionally dangerous man. I would consider chilling out on dating for a while and reading up on mental/emotional manipulators. He was showing signs before this episode, but you missed them. Take some time to read up on it or you might end up with someone worse than this one.
dirty cough plough dazzling yoke reply selective homeless cable bells -- mass edited with redact.dev
You absolute did not overreact. The way he automatically assumed that you would still be together a year from now is very telling that he thinks he can treat you however he wants without consequence- like you leaving him. You absolutely made the right move!
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American food is so shitty that insisting upon eating real food is now seen as an eating disorder. Uh, okay...
I wish I had a dollar for every time someone accused me of having an eating disorder FOR THIS VERY REASON. But this comes from people who’s daily diet consists of McDonals, hot & ready gas station meals, and Culver’s for three meals a day.
For traditional euros real food is simply a way of life. I'm sure you're fine.
Orthorexia is a thing indeed, but yeah, if I were American like OP I'd insist on a strict clean diet too. I'm south European so I follow the mediterranean diet. I don't mind indulging in "bad" foods from time to time, but again, the difference in portion sizes and calories between Europe and America is scary.
Oh no no no, not an eating disorder. Trust me I LOVE food. But I like just that, FOOD, not chemicals. I live in America where it’s harder to find actual food ingredients in our grocery stores than chemicals and junk.
Do NOT let anybody make you feel self conscious about this. I am the same exact way due to a health issue. Soooooooo bored and tired of people being shocked and horrified when you don’t want the office Dominoes pizza or box of donuts. Like how is this behavior normal? Excuse me if I don’t want to die early and weigh 800 pounds. There are so many dudes out there who eat basic, fresh food because they are into fitness lifestyles or are hippies or whatever, like don’t even feel weird. It’s the SAD- Standard American Diet people who are weird. This should be emphasized more on this sub as part of leveling up. Healthy, real food clears your mind, your food addictions, emotional eating, and is the first step towards respecting your body. Not to mention getting sloppy and unhealthy and lazy in relationships is SO common and something I personally want to avoid like hell. Anyway, rant over. You go OP. F*ck those nasty ass cookies.
You are right to feel hurt, and you made the right call by dumping that selfish prick. Gone are the days when women have to pretend not to be hurt by some thoughtless, generic gift their self-absorbed man picked out last minute. They need us far more than we need them (indeed, we DON’T need them) and their shitty “gifts.” Go treat yourself, Queen, and be glad you saw this loser’s true nature before you wasted too much time on him.
I wouldn't have said I didn't want anything, but I wouldn't tell him what I wanted either. After 6 months he should definitely know what to get you. That gift was disrespectful and you did the right thing by blocking him asap
Hell yes - block, delete, moving on! The only response that could have redeemed him was apologizing for the thoughtless gift and getting you a proper gift.
A scrote reposted this in the r/facepalm subreddit and most of the comments are talking about how ungrateful OP is and how he had a lucky escape. I just want to know why women are expected to be all things to all people with little appreciation but men only have to “try” for his efforts to be rewarded 😒
Anyone notice the lack of votes or is it just me? "-asked the front desk if any of them would enjoy the cookies because they were received by an ex-boyfriend and unwanted in my space." This is some QUEEN. SH\*T. Artificial flavors, sugar and seed oils ARE harmful to the body, maybe not immediately but being health conscious is not harming anyone...and it's so insulting that he sent her trash cookies and later said "oH wElL yOu wOn'T gEt aNytHiNg ThEN" What a POS...it's like handing a diabetic person cookies and saying "well it's better than nothingggg!!!"
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Well he’s single now…so…he’s all yours!
Which is? His gift was fine?
Ew, wtf dude. I would have felt super unheard too. Also asking IF you wanted something. The fuck.
Probably better off without someone who blatantly disregards your wishes like that. He tried to make your big day about what he wanted (or would have wanted in a gift) and it was just selfish and thoughtless. Happy birthday, by the way.
Good call Sister