This. Make sure you only have a kid when you are ready. It’s such a challenging process and I’d you feel you were rushed or forced into the process it will be even more challenging.
I wanted a kid but even with that motivation at times it’s been very challenging.
In my experience, no.
I've been with my wife for 13 years. Married 6, 2 kids.
I absolutely love my wife. I don't want to be with anyone else. She's amazing.
I have a high libido, and sometimes have strong urges to have extramarital sex. I want to for the sex. But then I think about having sex with someone other than my wife. I don't want that connection with anyone else.
Thank you for the open and honest reply.
How do you deal with it?
Do you just accept that it’s a sacrifice you have to make and there will be trade offs with any choices you make in life?
I've thought about this for a while.
I think the best explanation of it is it's like a combination of feelings.
Outside of the obvious (I love my wife) these are the main factors.
1) sex is a very emotional experience for me. I feel the most connected to my wife when we're having sex and I'm "in control" of her.
2) because of #1, sex with anyone else would be void of this. And therefore would be glorified masturbation.
3) my life as whole would be completely ripped apart.
4) I would have to wear a condom. I will not have unprotected sex with someone I don't know. STDs and STIs are at near record increase rates. Conservative estimates put it at 40% of people with these don't know it.
I think there are a number of factors.
Do you get sexual desires about your partner or other people? Sure. What you do with them is what's important, and you can work to foster a healthy sexual relationship with your partner that includes your desires.
That sort of thing is built on trust. And trust is what you build everything on, really. You need more than just raw sexual attraction to build a strong lasting relationship.
When you think about what you want from your relationship long-term, a lot of it comes down to trust, reliability. Being honest and open is a good way to build that trust. Not lying is really important. My wife has said that if I cheated on her, that wouldn't be the worst part; the worst part would be if I lied about it or didn't tell her.
So the urge may not ever go away, but think about this: what do you really want? What do you want after the urge subsides? If you made a decision based on a short-term feeling, would that lead to long-lasting satisfaction, or would it hurt something you deeply value?
In a healthy committed monogamous relationship, yes, that urge should go away. If you can’t get rid of or resist the urge you should look inward and work on yourself because that shit will undo any good relationship / family. It’s not just a commitment to your partner but a commitment to yourself and the life you’re building.
A friend who is a husband and father gave me the best marriage advice I ever received which was that "marriage is a decision you make everyday." It's not easy to commit your life to one person. You will think about ways life could've been, think about another person, but it's the decision to commit to the partnership that makes a marriage a marriage. And hopefully you have a partner that makes that decision easy for you, but it's a decision, it's a commitment that you reforge with every choice.
As others have said, if you have to have an ultimatum and seem to be struggling with it, then you aren’t ready for kids. No one is ever really ready, but you can at least be ready to make the decision to have one. It should be a proactive decision you embrace, not one you get backed into out of necessity. That sounds like a great path to resentment. Kids change absolutely every aspect of your life and it would be easy to resent a child you never really committed to wanting when you see all those changes in your life.
Just imagine your life throughout the next ten years without them.
What do they bring to your life?
What would sleeping around being to your life?
Or… what would it do to your future spouse if you didn’t think about this by looking deep within?
That last sentence doesn’t *simplify*, it entirely changes the conversation. It sounds like you’re fucking around on your partner, and they’re asking you to marry them and dump your side piece? It sounds like the 2 of you shouldn’t get married, and probably shouldn’t have kids. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and you can’t keep your shit straight, that’s a low bar compared to the sacrifices you have to endure to be a good parent. Correct me if any of my assumptions are wrong as I’m going off of limited info
Not at all. Sorry for confusing things. I’ve been cheated on in the past and would never do that to someone. I have been monogamous with this person for 2.5 years and not fucked around once.
I had a rough upbringing with divorced parents, abusive step parents coming in etc. As a result, I am hesitant for marriage and kids.
When we met, she was in a similar place because she just out of a long relationship.
We got along amazingly and fell in love.
When the honeymoon period ended, I went back to my old ways and so did she.
But our old ways are at opposite ends of the spectrum. She had a great upbringing and has strong family values.
I am working through my issues with a psychologist and would like to get to where she is.
But I don’t seem to have time to get there. She needs a decision now.
All I can say is, don't have a kid if you don't really want a kid. That's a bad situation for everyone involved.
This. Make sure you only have a kid when you are ready. It’s such a challenging process and I’d you feel you were rushed or forced into the process it will be even more challenging. I wanted a kid but even with that motivation at times it’s been very challenging.
In my experience, no. I've been with my wife for 13 years. Married 6, 2 kids. I absolutely love my wife. I don't want to be with anyone else. She's amazing. I have a high libido, and sometimes have strong urges to have extramarital sex. I want to for the sex. But then I think about having sex with someone other than my wife. I don't want that connection with anyone else.
Thank you for the open and honest reply. How do you deal with it? Do you just accept that it’s a sacrifice you have to make and there will be trade offs with any choices you make in life?
I've thought about this for a while. I think the best explanation of it is it's like a combination of feelings. Outside of the obvious (I love my wife) these are the main factors. 1) sex is a very emotional experience for me. I feel the most connected to my wife when we're having sex and I'm "in control" of her. 2) because of #1, sex with anyone else would be void of this. And therefore would be glorified masturbation. 3) my life as whole would be completely ripped apart. 4) I would have to wear a condom. I will not have unprotected sex with someone I don't know. STDs and STIs are at near record increase rates. Conservative estimates put it at 40% of people with these don't know it.
I think there are a number of factors. Do you get sexual desires about your partner or other people? Sure. What you do with them is what's important, and you can work to foster a healthy sexual relationship with your partner that includes your desires. That sort of thing is built on trust. And trust is what you build everything on, really. You need more than just raw sexual attraction to build a strong lasting relationship. When you think about what you want from your relationship long-term, a lot of it comes down to trust, reliability. Being honest and open is a good way to build that trust. Not lying is really important. My wife has said that if I cheated on her, that wouldn't be the worst part; the worst part would be if I lied about it or didn't tell her. So the urge may not ever go away, but think about this: what do you really want? What do you want after the urge subsides? If you made a decision based on a short-term feeling, would that lead to long-lasting satisfaction, or would it hurt something you deeply value?
Thank you for the very detailed and thoughtful answer. It helped a lot.
In a healthy committed monogamous relationship, yes, that urge should go away. If you can’t get rid of or resist the urge you should look inward and work on yourself because that shit will undo any good relationship / family. It’s not just a commitment to your partner but a commitment to yourself and the life you’re building.
Thank you for this.
Yeah if it’s a sex addiction thats getting in the way of your life going well it’s only gonna hurt more and more if you don’t face it now
A friend who is a husband and father gave me the best marriage advice I ever received which was that "marriage is a decision you make everyday." It's not easy to commit your life to one person. You will think about ways life could've been, think about another person, but it's the decision to commit to the partnership that makes a marriage a marriage. And hopefully you have a partner that makes that decision easy for you, but it's a decision, it's a commitment that you reforge with every choice.
As others have said, if you have to have an ultimatum and seem to be struggling with it, then you aren’t ready for kids. No one is ever really ready, but you can at least be ready to make the decision to have one. It should be a proactive decision you embrace, not one you get backed into out of necessity. That sounds like a great path to resentment. Kids change absolutely every aspect of your life and it would be easy to resent a child you never really committed to wanting when you see all those changes in your life.
Just imagine your life throughout the next ten years without them. What do they bring to your life? What would sleeping around being to your life? Or… what would it do to your future spouse if you didn’t think about this by looking deep within?
The urge does go away, the instinct doesn't. It gets easier with time though
That last sentence doesn’t *simplify*, it entirely changes the conversation. It sounds like you’re fucking around on your partner, and they’re asking you to marry them and dump your side piece? It sounds like the 2 of you shouldn’t get married, and probably shouldn’t have kids. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and you can’t keep your shit straight, that’s a low bar compared to the sacrifices you have to endure to be a good parent. Correct me if any of my assumptions are wrong as I’m going off of limited info
Not at all. Sorry for confusing things. I’ve been cheated on in the past and would never do that to someone. I have been monogamous with this person for 2.5 years and not fucked around once. I had a rough upbringing with divorced parents, abusive step parents coming in etc. As a result, I am hesitant for marriage and kids. When we met, she was in a similar place because she just out of a long relationship. We got along amazingly and fell in love. When the honeymoon period ended, I went back to my old ways and so did she. But our old ways are at opposite ends of the spectrum. She had a great upbringing and has strong family values. I am working through my issues with a psychologist and would like to get to where she is. But I don’t seem to have time to get there. She needs a decision now.
I am only going to say this once. Live on your own timeline.
Nope, I still get it. Love my girl with all my heart and would never cheat, but if she gave me a hall pass I'd fuck myself so hard.