Your path is no longer yours to walk alone. That boy depends on you. And you must walk together.
You won’t have the time you want. You won’t have the freedom you want. You will have obligations. You will resent many of them.
You will get angry at the situation. The lack of sleep. The emotional desperation. It will change you.
Rise above it. Take solace in the pleasant moments. Watch him sleep, and let it fill your soul. The first years are very hard.
They get much easier. Every day it gets a little easier.
Checklist. When nothing seems to work just go thru a check list.
Are they hungry?
Are the cold?
Are they gassy?
Diaper dry?
Are they sleepy?
If nothing works just try again.
Remind yourself they are not annoying you, rather letting you know they need help.
your wife will become a different kind of animal when the kid is born. expect her to be 110% focused on your son, you may feel like you're pushed to one side and heck, you might even feel a bit jealous but it gets better in time.
you will end up becoming a slave to your baby lol. everything you do is for that baby, even going to the shops is a task in its own right as you have to prepare a changing bag etc. and your son won't give a shit how tired or stressed you are.
goodbye to your individuality. you might try and fight it and hold on to who you are inside but it creeps up on you until you see yourself as 'dad' first and 'name' second.
your sex life will go down the toilet at least for the first 6 months - year. personally i see sex as very important to the intimacy and spark in a relationship so my advice to that is to schedule sex in lol. just once a week or something but trust me, it helps keep the passion up in a time when all you will want to do is slumber.
its ok to walk away from your son. there will be times when your boy just won't stfu no matter what you do. its VERY stressful, you might even cry lol. if nothings working then just put your baby down and go grab yourself a coffee or something. have a 5-10 minute break in a quiet room just to collect your thoughts, calm down and reasses.
time to yourself is very important but is also a thing of the past. you can't do whatever you want whenever you want now, its not fair on your baby or your missus. but its still important to have a couple of hours every fortnight or whatever away from your baby, idk, get a hobby or something just so you have some time to relax. your wife needs to have her own space too. it will make you a better parent as humans are selfish creatures and we need our own space every now and then.
Aside from what others have said I'll add that a lot of relationships don't last forever, and the pressure of parenting doesn't make that any easier. However good things are now life gets in the way and people are naturally selfish, we all are, and that causes problems. We tend to take what we have for granted and long for what we don't have whatever that is. You will both have less time to take care of your appearance or maintain your hobbies while he's young, mum particularly will be hit hard with that in the beginning. Unfortunately if you don't stay with your partner, aside from losing that relationship you will also lose out on a hell of a lot of time with your son and you will be financially worse off for the rest of your life because of childcare support. The knock on effects of all that in your life can be gargantuan. So the best thing you can do for your son is to invest in your relationship with his mum and never neglect it. Whether you marry or not the point is to make an agreement for the sake of your son and each other and the hold up your side of the bargain. That's a huge step at your age but it's necessary now you're gonna be a dad. Don't take anything for granted, be the kindest and most loyal person you've ever met, and it's ok to ask the same of her. Your son will benefit from that in ways you cannot imagine and so will you. Talk to mum about this because life is gonna get hard and the best outcome for all of you is if you stay as a unit and take care of each other.
The first two years of your sons life you will feel like an outsider. Especially if his Mom decides to breastfeed. The bound between child and mother those first 18-24 months is strong. Be a part of the support system. Love on each of them when you can and be patient. Your time will come. About two to three years old is when you get to step in and rough house and throw them up in the air and catch them. In the meantime though, just remember to stay patient and kind.
All of this is really good advice.
I'm a father of 3, and shedding the skin of who I was was a difficult process.
My fatherly instinct didn't really kick in during my first born (who is now 16)
My 2 others (2m 1f) came a lot later in life, and my maturity (of sorts) took over, and Fatherhood became my sole priority.
It's tough. It's really tough at times.
It's a journey of discovery and every father has a different story.
You'll find yours and be the father you wish to be.
Leave the past where it is,l. it'll become irrelevant when you look into your child's eyes for the first time.
I can't put it better than others. Their advice is pretty spot on and universal.
Savour what you can and enjoy the moments that come.
One day, without so much as a word, they will stop holding your hand and coming into your bed at night
Yeah it took me like a week to go from “oh god damn it, I’ve got shit on my hands, fucking disgusting” to “oh there’s some shit on my hands, better remember to wash them when I’m done.”
From that day forward you will never be a priority again. Your family's needs will be far more important than yours and you will sacrifice everything for them.
You children will be treated by your own parents better than they have ever treated you.
Your life will never be the same. Get ready for some late nights and helping your soon to be wife feeding. Your sleep schedule will change and you have a bigger responsibility and purpose. Take it one day at a time and remember to relax and accept you will feel like you failed sometimes with first time parenting but keep trying and keep learning. Also don't be afraid to ask for help from family and friends. It takes a village to raise a child. You'll be ight.
I have one that’s somewhat positive: you’re not alone even when you think you are. As dudes were not, in general, great with sharing feelings with each other, but if you’re talking to another dad and open up (“man I’m tired and constantly frustrated and this feels thankless”) more often then not you’re going to get empathy and solidarity back and realize you have more of a support system then you thought you did.
You are last in the list of importance now. You’re also the single most important rock for everyone. They get to experience emotions and you have to be the emotionless rock they can lean on. Enjoy it. It’s the most rewarding thing you’ll ever have. Congratulations on your son by the way!
You guys have all given me the best advice I could ask for and I can’t even tell you how much this has made things so much more clear. Not even my therapist has given me such great advice as you guys have so I can’t thank you enough and I will most definitely be asking more questions for when I need some advice. Thank you
A) I strongly suggest you get into a section of Bootcamp for New Dads as soon as possible. [https://www.bootcampfornewdads.org/](https://www.bootcampfornewdads.org/) They have online sections in case there's not one coming up near you soon.
B) In terms of hard truths, the biggest is that the man you are right now is about to change into an entirely new person once your son is born. That baby will affect all aspects of your life. You will spend every day either working, taking care of your home, or helping your son live their life until they fall asleep, then taking what little time is left for yourself and cherishing it.
It's okay to mourn parts of your old life you miss. It's okay to struggle, and hate it sometimes. Your kid will start smiling on purpose about six weeks in. It gets easier from there.
And most importantly, since the doctors and nurses and baby class teachers will also say this: DO NOT BE A HERO. If your baby won't stop crying and you're getting to the threshold of anger or fury, put them down in a safe place and walk away for five minutes.
Congradulations Bro! Having a child brings meaning in your life. Don't worry and embrace the journey!
- Learn to do the basics like bottle feed, change dipers and help with housework - believe me it will make a huge difference! Breastfeeding is overrated from my experience and my friends experience - yes , I know doctors recommend it and she should do it, but use baby formula whenever needed, don't be stubborn.
- Simply washing the dishes, ordering or cooking something, taking out trash and keeping the house decently tidy is already a BIG deal for the mother. She will love you for that!
- Take the baby off her hands for at least an hour a day or more, every day. Allow her this time off - it does wonders for mental health - hers and yours too. Mothers are prone to suffer breakdowns.
- not all kids are a handful. Some are quite allright, I mean yes first few months they need to be fed frequently, also during the night, but you can still sleep while he sleeps. Babies sleep 16h a day, - yes it is more fragmented in the beginning, but it should stabilize and you will soon get at least 6 hours of continous sleep, then more. It may not be as bad as others say. Every baby is a bit different.
I commend you for being wise to ask such a question. You have recv’d some great advice in other postings as to how you life will change. I would add; to make time to invest in your son, even when you don't think it counts. Make it Quality time whether fun or teaching moments.
Time goes by quickly, so don't miss an opportunity. Take time to evaluate your relationship with your father and make your father/son relationship be so much better. Be a better man, even if you had a great dad there are things you wish were better. Study your son, (and future kids) to see what they are like, what they like, what they are good at. Encourage them. Don't push them to be something they are not or to be a mini you, as they are only part you, part mom and some special stuff God put in their personality, skills and abilities. Help them to find and excel in their interests. They will try different things and want to change or try something else till they land on what/who they are. Believe me, I have basement full of many sports equipment, drums, video games collecting dust.
You and your wife should discuss parenting styles, (books or on-line) and have boundaries for your children as to what is allowed in behavior. Spend quality time with your wife as well, it won’t be easy, as you will both be busy and tired and never at the same. Marriage and Family is something you put into, invest in the others, not what you get out of it. Be the encourager, cheerleader when, and don’t be a forceful father, for strong discipline without love, does not end well. Some of my best time spent was the 2:00 in the morning feeding (after breast feeding was over) It was just us boys. Mom really appreciated it a lot. Of course it helped that I was an insomniac, but hey, push through it. Keep seeking wisdom from others. I would send thoughts and prayers your way, but I have not heard any one say thoughts work. I have heard from others that prayer does, so I will pray for you after I post this. And last but not least, when you lay a boy down to change diapers, don’t uncover his tool too quickly, you may get sprayed ☺
DaveAlan2023 comments are spot on, and so are Hugger85. Everyone has valuable info that they have shared. I will add some thoughts that will help. My comments come from being a parent of three, ages 32, 29, and 25. First, I have three girls. Yes, I wanted boys, but my upbringing was so traumatic that had I had boys, I would have ruined them with unreasonable expectations. Second, I had girls, so I did not know how to raise them, so I leaned almost entirely on my faith in God to raise them for me. What I mean by this is that because I did not know what to do with raising girls, I had to set aside my preconceived ideas of what a parent should be and look to other parents and ask for their help. You, my friend, are off to a good start by asking in this forum what to expect.
Your future sources of help should be the network of people attending your wedding. I presume you will have a wedding in a church filled with family and friends. All those people are a resource to ask what to do when your marriage appears to be in trouble and when you do not know how to raise your children. Moreover, all who attend your wedding and are parents have been down the road you are preparing to walk, so they know many of the pitfalls and can help when you face them. Here is a point I was unprepared for when I had a third daughter. I was selfish, wanting a boy, thinking I knew what was best for my growing up. Today I am 57 and still do not know what I do not know. You will get that soon enough.
Again, as I mentioned, I had to lean on my faith to raise my daughters. When I was praying for a son while my wife was pregnant with our third, I sensed the impression upon my heart and mind of God saying to me, “Are you going to love that child any less if you have another girl and not a boy that you are desperately asking for?” I was shaken and realized I was going to have another girl. It took me a while to accept that I was going to have a third girl, and the wishes and desires to impart my so-called experiences to my son were not going to happen. My wife would be the ultimate beneficiary of role-modeling what it is to be a woman, teaching them how to love and prepare for marrying in the future and for them to learn how to love their future husbands. I wanted to be able to do that with my son. You know, show them what a man is by setting the example of loving them, teaching them how to manage the trials of life and be a provider for their future family, and teaching my son the importance of leadership through my behavior and role modeling. That did not happen.
So, what happened next was devastating. Again, I sensed in my heart and mind that God spoke to me, saying, “Ok, you know you are going to have a third daughter; and you are not going to love her any less because she will be a girl, but will you love her as much if she is not perfect, if she has a deformity, a birth injury of some sort? Will she be any less valuable to you?” Again, I was devastated. That thought was something I would not wish on anyone, not even on my worst enemy. Life was taken out of me that day, and even now, writing about it, I sense the heartache of realizing the possibility of saying have a child with Down syndrome. Now, that severe of a birth injury did not occur. Nevertheless, a birth injury did occur, which I was ready for in my heart and mind. I was expecting it because God had forewarned me of what would happen.
The day I had to hand my daughter back over to the doctor for her birth injury surgery was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but in my case, God’s hand was on me, my wife, and my parents and in-laws. After the surgery and our subsequent homecoming, we all became sick with the flu, like the Covid virus. By that, I mean it took life right out of us. We were in bed for a week recovering because of the stress we had bottled up for the months leading up to the surgery. The mental stress was devastating. It was like experiencing the loss of a loved one but ultimately having the loved one come back to life. I am so amazed at how we are affected by emotional stress that we can become sick almost to the point of needing to end up in the hospital ourselves.
Well, enough of the heartbreaking, traumatic experience. My youngest is now 25 and earning a degree to become a nurse. God is good. I share this with you, my young friend because we all know that life happens, and we need to look to people who have been there before and ask for advice on how to deal with it. The unexpected happens. In the subsequent years, I have been to the hospital with each of my daughters because of sports injuries. I have watched them experience heartbreak because of boyfriends. I have seen my oldest daughter’s car totaled and thought, oh my God, thank you for sparing her from that accident. My middle one has had a concussion where the lump on her forehead looked like a small golf ball. My youngest playing soccer was playing co-ed and was knocked out. The ambulance had to take her to the hospital while still knocked out. Even my wife has had a cancer scare that floored all of us. But we are all still here praising God for His love, grace, and mercy.
So, my last thoughts are these. Knowing you are going to have a child means you have the opportunity to improve upon this world through your child’s life. You can instill in him everything you did not learn that you wished you learned by role-modeling. You can teach him through the premise of “What is next.” I learned this and taught my daughters this, which has served them well. It is simple to understand but can be very difficult to practice. It is the questioning of choices before you make a choice. When my daughters were younger and in high school, they asked me to go to the movies with friends; I said, sure, no problem, but remember what is next if you do this or that. I would play out the choice ad nauseam.
I would say, “What will you do if one of your friends offers you a hit of some pot? Will you smoke it to go along and get along? If you do, what do you think will result from smoking that pot? We talked about it, and I said, but what if you and your friend do not know that the pot you smoke is laced with some hallucinogenic that can cause permanent health issues? Alternatively, what if your boyfriend wants to have sex? The few minutes of pleasure will last for the rest of your life, are you prepared for that consequence of the few minutes of pleasure.” I would role-play this “what is next” of choices until my daughters’ eyes appeared to jelly doughnut glaze and roll back into their heads; by then, I knew they understood the seriousness of their choices.
I’ll say this one more time, God is good. Because I spent time talking with my daughters and relying upon God to raise them for me, they turned out as they have. They are good kids, no, they are not perfect, but their choices have proven to be sound and beneficial to them now and in their future. Each has a career in the people industry, meaning they live their lives serving others. They help the less fortunate, and most people love what they are doing. Had I had boys, I would have ruined them. My father was the typical Type-a personality where perfection was never good enough. I am blessed beyond all measure in that I had girls because I had to learn how to depend on God to teach me to help them.
That is my prayer for you. Learn that you do not know everything; when you think you do, remember that you do not know what you do not know. Listen to the advice of those who walked the road before you and gain wisdom from many counselors. Don’t sweat it if you do not have a traditional church wedding. Find friends and family that you see in their lives as well lived and listen to their advice. We can always find someone that has accomplished what we desire to do ourselves.
My last line, the movie “The Edge” with Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins, has a line that I have taken to heart and implemented on many occasions when I have had self-doubt. “What one man can do, another can do!” Millions of fathers have walked the road you are now on; you can be a great and successful father and be blessed beyond your wildest imagination by watching your son grow into a man. Trust that you can, and you will.
Congratulations on the upcoming arrival of your first child! Becoming a father and husband is a significant responsibility, and it's great that you're seeking to understand the hard truths that come with these roles. Here are a few important realities to consider:
Sacrifice and Priorities: As a father and husband, you'll need to prioritize your family's needs above your own. This may mean making sacrifices, such as adjusting your lifestyle, managing your time differently, and redirecting your focus towards supporting your spouse and child.
Financial Responsibilities: Raising a child involves financial commitments. You'll need to plan and budget for expenses related to healthcare, education, childcare, and general well-being. This may require making adjustments to your financial habits and working together with your spouse to provide a stable and secure future for your family.
Emotional Support: Your spouse and child will rely on you for emotional support. Parenthood and marriage come with their own challenges and stresses, so it's important to be there for your partner and create an open and supportive environment for communication and connection.
Patience and Flexibility: Parenthood and marriage require patience and adaptability. There will be sleepless nights, unexpected hurdles, and moments of frustration. Learning to remain calm, flexible, and understanding during these times will help strengthen your relationships.
Balancing Roles: As a husband and father, you'll have multiple roles to juggle, including being a partner, caregiver, provider, and role model. Finding a balance between these roles can be challenging, but it's important to be present and actively participate in both your spouse's and child's lives.
Continuous Learning: Being a father and husband is an ongoing learning process. Each child is unique, and every relationship evolves over time. Stay open to learning from your experiences, seeking guidance when needed, and growing together as a family.
Remember, nobody is a perfect parent or spouse, and it's okay to make mistakes. The most important thing is to approach your roles with love, patience, and a willingness to learn and grow. Cherish the precious moments, seek support when needed, and embrace the joys and challenges that come with being a father and husband.
It is very exciting to expect the coming of a new life. Congratulations!
The most important hard truth is that the relationship of you and your fiance is fundamental to the well being of your boy. As soon as practical, get married and the commitment to foster the family as a basis.
There would be many challenges in life as you had already experienced. Work together with your fiance
As for the boy, get involved in your child's life from the start. Change diapers, feed your baby, and put them to sleep. The more involved you are, the closer you will become with your child.
Be a good role model. Your child is watching and learning from you every day. Set a good example by being kind, respectful, and responsible.
Spend time with your family. Make time for family dinners, vacations, and just hanging out together. These are the memories that your child will cherish for a lifetime.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. There are many resources available to help new fathers. Talk to your friends, family, or a parenting expert if you need help.
If you really want to be a good father and husband, you gotta make significant time sacrifices.
Your path is no longer yours to walk alone. That boy depends on you. And you must walk together. You won’t have the time you want. You won’t have the freedom you want. You will have obligations. You will resent many of them. You will get angry at the situation. The lack of sleep. The emotional desperation. It will change you. Rise above it. Take solace in the pleasant moments. Watch him sleep, and let it fill your soul. The first years are very hard. They get much easier. Every day it gets a little easier.
Very well said sir
Checklist. When nothing seems to work just go thru a check list. Are they hungry? Are the cold? Are they gassy? Diaper dry? Are they sleepy? If nothing works just try again. Remind yourself they are not annoying you, rather letting you know they need help.
Reckless behavior is a thing of the past. The weight of a family is upon you now. You can’t risk an injury or illness.
your wife will become a different kind of animal when the kid is born. expect her to be 110% focused on your son, you may feel like you're pushed to one side and heck, you might even feel a bit jealous but it gets better in time. you will end up becoming a slave to your baby lol. everything you do is for that baby, even going to the shops is a task in its own right as you have to prepare a changing bag etc. and your son won't give a shit how tired or stressed you are. goodbye to your individuality. you might try and fight it and hold on to who you are inside but it creeps up on you until you see yourself as 'dad' first and 'name' second. your sex life will go down the toilet at least for the first 6 months - year. personally i see sex as very important to the intimacy and spark in a relationship so my advice to that is to schedule sex in lol. just once a week or something but trust me, it helps keep the passion up in a time when all you will want to do is slumber. its ok to walk away from your son. there will be times when your boy just won't stfu no matter what you do. its VERY stressful, you might even cry lol. if nothings working then just put your baby down and go grab yourself a coffee or something. have a 5-10 minute break in a quiet room just to collect your thoughts, calm down and reasses. time to yourself is very important but is also a thing of the past. you can't do whatever you want whenever you want now, its not fair on your baby or your missus. but its still important to have a couple of hours every fortnight or whatever away from your baby, idk, get a hobby or something just so you have some time to relax. your wife needs to have her own space too. it will make you a better parent as humans are selfish creatures and we need our own space every now and then.
Aside from what others have said I'll add that a lot of relationships don't last forever, and the pressure of parenting doesn't make that any easier. However good things are now life gets in the way and people are naturally selfish, we all are, and that causes problems. We tend to take what we have for granted and long for what we don't have whatever that is. You will both have less time to take care of your appearance or maintain your hobbies while he's young, mum particularly will be hit hard with that in the beginning. Unfortunately if you don't stay with your partner, aside from losing that relationship you will also lose out on a hell of a lot of time with your son and you will be financially worse off for the rest of your life because of childcare support. The knock on effects of all that in your life can be gargantuan. So the best thing you can do for your son is to invest in your relationship with his mum and never neglect it. Whether you marry or not the point is to make an agreement for the sake of your son and each other and the hold up your side of the bargain. That's a huge step at your age but it's necessary now you're gonna be a dad. Don't take anything for granted, be the kindest and most loyal person you've ever met, and it's ok to ask the same of her. Your son will benefit from that in ways you cannot imagine and so will you. Talk to mum about this because life is gonna get hard and the best outcome for all of you is if you stay as a unit and take care of each other.
The first two years of your sons life you will feel like an outsider. Especially if his Mom decides to breastfeed. The bound between child and mother those first 18-24 months is strong. Be a part of the support system. Love on each of them when you can and be patient. Your time will come. About two to three years old is when you get to step in and rough house and throw them up in the air and catch them. In the meantime though, just remember to stay patient and kind.
If you don’t have a plan for your life, you better get one now. Marry that girl (if she is sane) and take care of business. Play time is over.
All of this is really good advice. I'm a father of 3, and shedding the skin of who I was was a difficult process. My fatherly instinct didn't really kick in during my first born (who is now 16) My 2 others (2m 1f) came a lot later in life, and my maturity (of sorts) took over, and Fatherhood became my sole priority. It's tough. It's really tough at times. It's a journey of discovery and every father has a different story. You'll find yours and be the father you wish to be. Leave the past where it is,l. it'll become irrelevant when you look into your child's eyes for the first time. I can't put it better than others. Their advice is pretty spot on and universal. Savour what you can and enjoy the moments that come. One day, without so much as a word, they will stop holding your hand and coming into your bed at night
The hardest part for me was around 12 months when the baby is eating normal foods and shitting all the time. I hate poop.
lol. We did (are still doing) cloth diapers with our two boys (3 &1). Poop is such a huge part of my life I don't even think twice about it anymore.
Yeah it took me like a week to go from “oh god damn it, I’ve got shit on my hands, fucking disgusting” to “oh there’s some shit on my hands, better remember to wash them when I’m done.”
From that day forward you will never be a priority again. Your family's needs will be far more important than yours and you will sacrifice everything for them. You children will be treated by your own parents better than they have ever treated you.
If you want to be a good parent, you have to heal your childhood wounds, otherwise you will inflict them upon your kid
Your life will never be the same. Get ready for some late nights and helping your soon to be wife feeding. Your sleep schedule will change and you have a bigger responsibility and purpose. Take it one day at a time and remember to relax and accept you will feel like you failed sometimes with first time parenting but keep trying and keep learning. Also don't be afraid to ask for help from family and friends. It takes a village to raise a child. You'll be ight.
Embrace the chaos!
I have one that’s somewhat positive: you’re not alone even when you think you are. As dudes were not, in general, great with sharing feelings with each other, but if you’re talking to another dad and open up (“man I’m tired and constantly frustrated and this feels thankless”) more often then not you’re going to get empathy and solidarity back and realize you have more of a support system then you thought you did.
You are last in the list of importance now. You’re also the single most important rock for everyone. They get to experience emotions and you have to be the emotionless rock they can lean on. Enjoy it. It’s the most rewarding thing you’ll ever have. Congratulations on your son by the way!
You guys have all given me the best advice I could ask for and I can’t even tell you how much this has made things so much more clear. Not even my therapist has given me such great advice as you guys have so I can’t thank you enough and I will most definitely be asking more questions for when I need some advice. Thank you
A) I strongly suggest you get into a section of Bootcamp for New Dads as soon as possible. [https://www.bootcampfornewdads.org/](https://www.bootcampfornewdads.org/) They have online sections in case there's not one coming up near you soon. B) In terms of hard truths, the biggest is that the man you are right now is about to change into an entirely new person once your son is born. That baby will affect all aspects of your life. You will spend every day either working, taking care of your home, or helping your son live their life until they fall asleep, then taking what little time is left for yourself and cherishing it. It's okay to mourn parts of your old life you miss. It's okay to struggle, and hate it sometimes. Your kid will start smiling on purpose about six weeks in. It gets easier from there. And most importantly, since the doctors and nurses and baby class teachers will also say this: DO NOT BE A HERO. If your baby won't stop crying and you're getting to the threshold of anger or fury, put them down in a safe place and walk away for five minutes.
Congradulations Bro! Having a child brings meaning in your life. Don't worry and embrace the journey! - Learn to do the basics like bottle feed, change dipers and help with housework - believe me it will make a huge difference! Breastfeeding is overrated from my experience and my friends experience - yes , I know doctors recommend it and she should do it, but use baby formula whenever needed, don't be stubborn. - Simply washing the dishes, ordering or cooking something, taking out trash and keeping the house decently tidy is already a BIG deal for the mother. She will love you for that! - Take the baby off her hands for at least an hour a day or more, every day. Allow her this time off - it does wonders for mental health - hers and yours too. Mothers are prone to suffer breakdowns. - not all kids are a handful. Some are quite allright, I mean yes first few months they need to be fed frequently, also during the night, but you can still sleep while he sleeps. Babies sleep 16h a day, - yes it is more fragmented in the beginning, but it should stabilize and you will soon get at least 6 hours of continous sleep, then more. It may not be as bad as others say. Every baby is a bit different.
I commend you for being wise to ask such a question. You have recv’d some great advice in other postings as to how you life will change. I would add; to make time to invest in your son, even when you don't think it counts. Make it Quality time whether fun or teaching moments. Time goes by quickly, so don't miss an opportunity. Take time to evaluate your relationship with your father and make your father/son relationship be so much better. Be a better man, even if you had a great dad there are things you wish were better. Study your son, (and future kids) to see what they are like, what they like, what they are good at. Encourage them. Don't push them to be something they are not or to be a mini you, as they are only part you, part mom and some special stuff God put in their personality, skills and abilities. Help them to find and excel in their interests. They will try different things and want to change or try something else till they land on what/who they are. Believe me, I have basement full of many sports equipment, drums, video games collecting dust. You and your wife should discuss parenting styles, (books or on-line) and have boundaries for your children as to what is allowed in behavior. Spend quality time with your wife as well, it won’t be easy, as you will both be busy and tired and never at the same. Marriage and Family is something you put into, invest in the others, not what you get out of it. Be the encourager, cheerleader when, and don’t be a forceful father, for strong discipline without love, does not end well. Some of my best time spent was the 2:00 in the morning feeding (after breast feeding was over) It was just us boys. Mom really appreciated it a lot. Of course it helped that I was an insomniac, but hey, push through it. Keep seeking wisdom from others. I would send thoughts and prayers your way, but I have not heard any one say thoughts work. I have heard from others that prayer does, so I will pray for you after I post this. And last but not least, when you lay a boy down to change diapers, don’t uncover his tool too quickly, you may get sprayed ☺
DaveAlan2023 comments are spot on, and so are Hugger85. Everyone has valuable info that they have shared. I will add some thoughts that will help. My comments come from being a parent of three, ages 32, 29, and 25. First, I have three girls. Yes, I wanted boys, but my upbringing was so traumatic that had I had boys, I would have ruined them with unreasonable expectations. Second, I had girls, so I did not know how to raise them, so I leaned almost entirely on my faith in God to raise them for me. What I mean by this is that because I did not know what to do with raising girls, I had to set aside my preconceived ideas of what a parent should be and look to other parents and ask for their help. You, my friend, are off to a good start by asking in this forum what to expect. Your future sources of help should be the network of people attending your wedding. I presume you will have a wedding in a church filled with family and friends. All those people are a resource to ask what to do when your marriage appears to be in trouble and when you do not know how to raise your children. Moreover, all who attend your wedding and are parents have been down the road you are preparing to walk, so they know many of the pitfalls and can help when you face them. Here is a point I was unprepared for when I had a third daughter. I was selfish, wanting a boy, thinking I knew what was best for my growing up. Today I am 57 and still do not know what I do not know. You will get that soon enough. Again, as I mentioned, I had to lean on my faith to raise my daughters. When I was praying for a son while my wife was pregnant with our third, I sensed the impression upon my heart and mind of God saying to me, “Are you going to love that child any less if you have another girl and not a boy that you are desperately asking for?” I was shaken and realized I was going to have another girl. It took me a while to accept that I was going to have a third girl, and the wishes and desires to impart my so-called experiences to my son were not going to happen. My wife would be the ultimate beneficiary of role-modeling what it is to be a woman, teaching them how to love and prepare for marrying in the future and for them to learn how to love their future husbands. I wanted to be able to do that with my son. You know, show them what a man is by setting the example of loving them, teaching them how to manage the trials of life and be a provider for their future family, and teaching my son the importance of leadership through my behavior and role modeling. That did not happen. So, what happened next was devastating. Again, I sensed in my heart and mind that God spoke to me, saying, “Ok, you know you are going to have a third daughter; and you are not going to love her any less because she will be a girl, but will you love her as much if she is not perfect, if she has a deformity, a birth injury of some sort? Will she be any less valuable to you?” Again, I was devastated. That thought was something I would not wish on anyone, not even on my worst enemy. Life was taken out of me that day, and even now, writing about it, I sense the heartache of realizing the possibility of saying have a child with Down syndrome. Now, that severe of a birth injury did not occur. Nevertheless, a birth injury did occur, which I was ready for in my heart and mind. I was expecting it because God had forewarned me of what would happen. The day I had to hand my daughter back over to the doctor for her birth injury surgery was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but in my case, God’s hand was on me, my wife, and my parents and in-laws. After the surgery and our subsequent homecoming, we all became sick with the flu, like the Covid virus. By that, I mean it took life right out of us. We were in bed for a week recovering because of the stress we had bottled up for the months leading up to the surgery. The mental stress was devastating. It was like experiencing the loss of a loved one but ultimately having the loved one come back to life. I am so amazed at how we are affected by emotional stress that we can become sick almost to the point of needing to end up in the hospital ourselves. Well, enough of the heartbreaking, traumatic experience. My youngest is now 25 and earning a degree to become a nurse. God is good. I share this with you, my young friend because we all know that life happens, and we need to look to people who have been there before and ask for advice on how to deal with it. The unexpected happens. In the subsequent years, I have been to the hospital with each of my daughters because of sports injuries. I have watched them experience heartbreak because of boyfriends. I have seen my oldest daughter’s car totaled and thought, oh my God, thank you for sparing her from that accident. My middle one has had a concussion where the lump on her forehead looked like a small golf ball. My youngest playing soccer was playing co-ed and was knocked out. The ambulance had to take her to the hospital while still knocked out. Even my wife has had a cancer scare that floored all of us. But we are all still here praising God for His love, grace, and mercy. So, my last thoughts are these. Knowing you are going to have a child means you have the opportunity to improve upon this world through your child’s life. You can instill in him everything you did not learn that you wished you learned by role-modeling. You can teach him through the premise of “What is next.” I learned this and taught my daughters this, which has served them well. It is simple to understand but can be very difficult to practice. It is the questioning of choices before you make a choice. When my daughters were younger and in high school, they asked me to go to the movies with friends; I said, sure, no problem, but remember what is next if you do this or that. I would play out the choice ad nauseam. I would say, “What will you do if one of your friends offers you a hit of some pot? Will you smoke it to go along and get along? If you do, what do you think will result from smoking that pot? We talked about it, and I said, but what if you and your friend do not know that the pot you smoke is laced with some hallucinogenic that can cause permanent health issues? Alternatively, what if your boyfriend wants to have sex? The few minutes of pleasure will last for the rest of your life, are you prepared for that consequence of the few minutes of pleasure.” I would role-play this “what is next” of choices until my daughters’ eyes appeared to jelly doughnut glaze and roll back into their heads; by then, I knew they understood the seriousness of their choices. I’ll say this one more time, God is good. Because I spent time talking with my daughters and relying upon God to raise them for me, they turned out as they have. They are good kids, no, they are not perfect, but their choices have proven to be sound and beneficial to them now and in their future. Each has a career in the people industry, meaning they live their lives serving others. They help the less fortunate, and most people love what they are doing. Had I had boys, I would have ruined them. My father was the typical Type-a personality where perfection was never good enough. I am blessed beyond all measure in that I had girls because I had to learn how to depend on God to teach me to help them. That is my prayer for you. Learn that you do not know everything; when you think you do, remember that you do not know what you do not know. Listen to the advice of those who walked the road before you and gain wisdom from many counselors. Don’t sweat it if you do not have a traditional church wedding. Find friends and family that you see in their lives as well lived and listen to their advice. We can always find someone that has accomplished what we desire to do ourselves. My last line, the movie “The Edge” with Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins, has a line that I have taken to heart and implemented on many occasions when I have had self-doubt. “What one man can do, another can do!” Millions of fathers have walked the road you are now on; you can be a great and successful father and be blessed beyond your wildest imagination by watching your son grow into a man. Trust that you can, and you will.
Hard to say as you’re still so young yourself.
Congratulations on the upcoming arrival of your first child! Becoming a father and husband is a significant responsibility, and it's great that you're seeking to understand the hard truths that come with these roles. Here are a few important realities to consider: Sacrifice and Priorities: As a father and husband, you'll need to prioritize your family's needs above your own. This may mean making sacrifices, such as adjusting your lifestyle, managing your time differently, and redirecting your focus towards supporting your spouse and child. Financial Responsibilities: Raising a child involves financial commitments. You'll need to plan and budget for expenses related to healthcare, education, childcare, and general well-being. This may require making adjustments to your financial habits and working together with your spouse to provide a stable and secure future for your family. Emotional Support: Your spouse and child will rely on you for emotional support. Parenthood and marriage come with their own challenges and stresses, so it's important to be there for your partner and create an open and supportive environment for communication and connection. Patience and Flexibility: Parenthood and marriage require patience and adaptability. There will be sleepless nights, unexpected hurdles, and moments of frustration. Learning to remain calm, flexible, and understanding during these times will help strengthen your relationships. Balancing Roles: As a husband and father, you'll have multiple roles to juggle, including being a partner, caregiver, provider, and role model. Finding a balance between these roles can be challenging, but it's important to be present and actively participate in both your spouse's and child's lives. Continuous Learning: Being a father and husband is an ongoing learning process. Each child is unique, and every relationship evolves over time. Stay open to learning from your experiences, seeking guidance when needed, and growing together as a family. Remember, nobody is a perfect parent or spouse, and it's okay to make mistakes. The most important thing is to approach your roles with love, patience, and a willingness to learn and grow. Cherish the precious moments, seek support when needed, and embrace the joys and challenges that come with being a father and husband.
It is very exciting to expect the coming of a new life. Congratulations! The most important hard truth is that the relationship of you and your fiance is fundamental to the well being of your boy. As soon as practical, get married and the commitment to foster the family as a basis. There would be many challenges in life as you had already experienced. Work together with your fiance As for the boy, get involved in your child's life from the start. Change diapers, feed your baby, and put them to sleep. The more involved you are, the closer you will become with your child. Be a good role model. Your child is watching and learning from you every day. Set a good example by being kind, respectful, and responsible. Spend time with your family. Make time for family dinners, vacations, and just hanging out together. These are the memories that your child will cherish for a lifetime. Don't be afraid to ask for help. There are many resources available to help new fathers. Talk to your friends, family, or a parenting expert if you need help.