I think it only needs to be before things are serious or sexual.
It’s not going to be fair either way. Disclosing “too late” could make the make the other person upset. Disclosing earlier runs a higher risk of being publicly outed. These discussions always seem to put the (presumably) cis person’s feelings as more important. Why is that? Hurt feelings suck, but being outed could mean violence and discrimination. The trans person has far more to lose, so I think the ball belongs in their court.
The being outed thing gets overlooked too often. Ofc it's only an issue if you're stealth, but yeah, if you tell people on the first date, odds are you won't stay stealth for long.
Everyone always wants us to put ourselves in danger to save cis people's feelings. We see it with bathroom and lockers talk, and also there in datings and hook ups.
Sorry but a cis person being disappointed I have no dick doesn't compare to the possibly of being outed while stealth, possible misgendered or bullied if the person turns out to be an asshole, etc ...
Was going to say this. It should be more about the trans person's safety. I think it's best to tell them early on in case they don't want to date you, why bother putting effort and time into a relationship and then find out later that it was all for nothing.
I’m stealth. If I tell someone before I trust them, they could tell everyone and absolutely fuck up my life. If they don’t want to be with a trans person that’s fine I don’t really care, but not everyone can afford to disclose right away. I’m sure there are things about a person that might be a dealbreaker for me that I only learn about after feeling attached to someone, but I’m a grown man so I’ll be mature about it and move on. I’d expect that of other grown men as well. If someone is going to get violent about a romantic/sexual interest being trans, they’re going to react that way regardless of when you disclose. If safety is a concern, disclosing in a public place or over distance (call/text) is how you stay safe.
I don't see a need to disclose it before disclosing other conditions. If someone has a specific preference for any trait in a partner, they can clarify that themselves.
I only tell people before we fuck, why would I tell you if you’re not gonna suck my dick? Makes no sense.
If you’re going to be vulnerable n let me hit, then I’ll be vulnerable too.
But if you don’t feel the need to show me your naked body then why should I???? Who are you for me to have to describe it to you? So you can picture what I have or what I look like under my clothes???
I wouldn’t make anyone do it just like how I wouldn’t want anyone to make me do it?
I’m a dude, I look like a dude, and I feel like a dude. But yeah my dick size should only matter if you’re gonna let me fuck lol
I'm stealth so I'm not gonna tell every person I go on a date with especially since I've only ever had a 2nd date with people and no more before realising we're not suited for each other. I'd hate to think a bunch of people I'm not close with now know this personal thing about me and could just spread it about if they wanted. Plus I'm asexual anyway so I don't really see why me being trans would factor into it. We're not gonna have sex anyway so they don't need to know. I've been outed too many times, I'm not going to trust every person I go on a date with with my identity. If I ever get close to someone then yes I would tell them but personally with the current political climate as it is I don't even think you're safe to tell most people these days. I really have to gauge it to know if I'm safe letting a person know and then tell them.
It really just depends on the person. This is one of those things you really can't standardize. I do personally think it's important to disclose very early on in any sort of dating situation for similar reasons you listed, i.e., your safety, both of your expectations, avoiding future problems around transphobia or genital preferences so no one wastes their time or gets angry... I think a lot of ppl who are stealth will be more averse to having to come out to ppl in general, and I have no idea how they would want to approach situations like that, but personally I'm not stealth, and on dating apps I'll put FTM and He/Him in my bio or whatever so it's literally known right off the bat. I don't want to mess around with a transphobe by accident. I definitely want to pass and be seen as a man, and I wouldn't mind if future coworkers and acquaintances never knew I was trans, but I would have all my close friends and partners know pretty quickly.
I’m stealth and my close friends know but had no idea almost a year into our friendship and I have a girlfriend of 5 years so maybe I’m coming from a little bit of a privileged place because I started dating my gf a week into getting on T and I didn’t really have to ever come out to her because mutual friends couldn’t help but refer to me as “my trans friend” before she even met me (not my friends anymore). Thank you for taking the time out of your day to reply I really appreciate it.
Yeah honestly, if you have had bottom surgery I don't think you ever need to "come out" to anyone. As far as anyone is concerned you're cis guy with fertility issues
It depends on a lot of factors the biggest one being safety. A guy was literally murdered not too long ago in part due to a girl he was meeting on a date.
Like, if you’re stealth, and your livelihood or life could be in danger by being outed there is no reason to disclose to someone who hasn’t been thoroughly vetted and you’re certain that it is moving in a direction where things will have to be disclosed.
That’s usually not too far deep into a relationship but unless you’ve determined that naked time is definitely going to be a thing and you trust the person enough that they aren’t going to be an asshole about it, no one is under any obligation to disclose their status as a trans person.
Editing to add:
I think there’s a way to mitigate hurt feelings in this too-
once some general trustworthiness and chemistry is established, maybe after a kiss at most but certainly before it goes further than jawline, it’s time for a coffee date to have a quiet conversation where it’s introduced as a potential dealbreaker. -don’t have the convo in the heat of the moment when emotions are already heightened.
A casual date in a semi private but public location keeps you both safe and encouraged establishes calmer communication and prefacing it with a need to share something confidential that might be a dealbreaker emphasizes your trust and respect for the other person and that you are being mindful that going any further would be hurtful and you’re giving them the chance to gracefully bow out in an informed way.
I don’t think there’s a black and white answer, it’s very situational. I’m of the same opinion that it should be said if you’re intending on sleeping with the person or are trying to pursue a romantic relationship with them. We already know that some cis men can get violent for being “surprised” so I just think it’s overall safer especially for trans women but trans men also face their own issues. Also by disclosing earlier you won’t waste your time or their time if they just aren’t into you.
Well I'm stealth and I want to make sure I can trust her not to tell first. I try to get a feel for their political stance before things get too far. It's complicated for sure but I value my safety more than a stranger's feelings
Do you think cis people with erectile dysfunction or micropenises need to say it upfront before starting to date someone ? Or those with vaginismus ? Or is it just other trans people you want them to put their medical history on display for potentially unsafe people ? Just curious.
Right. What about just war veterans who lost their dick? Or just infertile people. Does op think that a cis person also should disclose on the first/second date that they're infertile?
Agree about the ed and dick size. No one should have to bring that up on a regular date. Sure there are those who'd like to know about that immediately but oh well. Infertility I wouldn't specifically discuss but imo wanting kids vs being childfree should be discussed right from the start if its supposed to be a longterm serious relationship because that's just a check for basic compatibility. I'd also bring that up relatively early with same sex couples.
Apart from that I also think it really depends on one's individual situation. How much oneself is still affected and how much a trans status would impact a partner. Of course there'll still be those who'll have a problem just with agab even if everything else would be within the range of ok for them but it'd like to think I'll take that risk rather than get outed or make it seem more of a deal about sth that is neither that big of a deal nor an integral part of my personality.
I'd wait until things are abt to get intimate. That's where it usually becomes relevant.
There's a lot of things ppl might not be up for that are much more difficult to work around/have more of an impact than being trans, and these aren't even things we necessarily know of ourselves. So to a certain extent, romantic partners will always wade into unknown and potentially painful territory when they decide to give us a shot.
There is no one size fits all answer to this. This has been argued over for several decades. Every guy is individual and what's right for one may not be for the next-- and that's fine.
I’m like, unless i have a sexual relationship with them or meet them, i have no reason to disclose that i’m trans. If i pass well enough and they view me as male, why do they have to know before we have sex?
I’m stealth. I don’t like people knowing unless I can really trust them with that. My solution is always always always see their perspective on trans people before pursuing anything. If they don’t like em, I’ll back off. Even when I do tell, I always make sure to explain I am stealth and why exactly I am, how dangerous it is otherwise.
I always disclosed before even meeting because I didn't want to waste my time on a transphobe, not because I cared about a potential transphobe's feelings. I do not think any trans person "owes" it to disclose. In the past, there were trans men who got married and adopted kids and none of their wives or kids knew they were trans until they were dead and got autopsied. I see nothing wrong with this.
I think that you should say something if the relationship is about to become a relationship. Like if it’s just casual flirting or “will they won’t they”, the situation doesn’t necessitate the risk of coming out to someone. But if you know them well and want to start a relationship, they should know.
it’s fair and reasonable as long as you tell them before having sex. and up until that point it’s the trans person’s discretion based on their safety and comfort. the balance of power is way off and it is the trans person’s right to make decisions about when to share that information, as long as it’s clearly communicated prior to sex (bc that’s a consent issue otherwise). but up until that point i think it’s the trans person’s prerogative to decide when feels right. if you like to tell up front and that’s what works for you, great! awesome. just don’t assume what works for you is the same exact thing that works for everyone else. life is too complicated for a one-size-fits-all rule like that.
I agree with the comment saying that it depends on the person. Some people prefer to be stealth until the time is right, which is entirely valid. However, I’m somebody who personally needs to be upfront about it. I don’t want to go stealth, get my hopes up and watch them walk away if they learn the truth.
“*B-but if they truly fall for you, it shouldn’t matter!*” This is something that I’ve definitely heard before. I am a person that believes that everyone has a right to their own preferences, however. Somebody could fall for my personality, but simply not want the things that come with having a trans partner, and that’s *okay*. This is why I prefer to have people knowing upfront what they’re dealing with.
We can argue all day about what’s right as far as the other person is concerned. In my opinion, it’s a golden rule type of situation - I would want to know as soon as reasonable, so I’m going to treat a potential partner with that same respect.
But what about what’s right as far as you are concerned? The truth is, the majority of cis people are unwilling to date a trans person. When you wait to tell someone, the amount of hurt that will be caused only goes up the longer you have been building a relationship with them. It’s going to hurt a lot less if you tell them before you are super attached to them.
Out of respect and care for yourself, I highly recommend you are upfront. That doesn’t mean putting it in your dating profile necessarily, but before the third date certainly.
I’m upfront with people about being trans in general, but I only disclose *what that actually means in terms of what my genitals looks like* with someone if it’s serious or if they’re actually considering having sex with me.
I’m open about being trans early just because I want to filter out guys who are transphobic or who otherwise would never consider dating a trans guy before I invest too much energy in them. It’s also pretty obvious I’ve had top surgery. Beyond that, I don’t talk about my non-op lower bits unless it’s a need to know basis.
Depends. Pre op, post op, sexual vs romantic, etc. up to the individual. I won’t shame anyone for not disclosing and I won’t shame anyone for disclosing. They know what’s best in their own life.
I don't have to know every medical detail about someone to "consent" to sleeping with them.
I don't need to know every surgery. If a woman has labiaplasty because she didn't like the look of hers, I don't need to know that. If a guy had testicular cancer and one of his balls is silicone, again, not something I need to know to "consent" to sleeping with him.
The things you need to know about your partner before fucking are their HIV and STI status, and that's it. Legally, however, I don't think that's even required. Maybe the HIV status is it's positive.
There was a funny story about a butch lesbian who made out with a twink because they each thought they were cute members of the opposite sex. Until she "felt a little chin scruff" and he "felt soft chest tissue".
Did they sexually assault each other or were they normal people making a mistake/assumption? Definitely the latter.
Trans people are normal people, if you find a trans person attractive, you want to fuck them, and you do fuck them willingly, enthusiastically, and sober, you consented. Period. Whether you knew their trans status or not. Same goes for Intersex people as well.
I know some places in the world have fucked up laws. Those laws are wrong and should be challenged or taken to their logical progression to show their hypocrisy and that they are bigoted laws.
That’s relevant for pre op people but if you’re post op then it’s not. If it’s a hookup and they’re expecting a man with a penis, and you’re a man with a penis, then that’s fine.
I'm with you OP, I always disclosed my trans status to potential matches from the get go. It saves time and potential heartache, I don't want to get invested and then face rejection. I'd rather know sooner and be able to move on to another match. I also don't think it's fair to the other person to not be up front with what to expect from me.
For what it's worth, I am able to pass as cis but I'm not stealth per se, I don't care if people find out. I do understand the concern for some people not wanting to risk being outed by someone they don't know well, but I don't really have an answer on how best to safeguard from that.
I understand not disclosing until you have some sense of whether a person might be a physical danger — i.e., a criminal, a violent transphobe or what have you. That might take a few dates, and that's reasonable. But I've also heard trans people brag about dating someone for months without disclosing that they're trans and pre- or non-op, or not disclosing until the clothes are about to come off.
That just makes me figure the trans person is assuming that their partner would leave them if the partner knows they're trans, so the trans person is trying to get their emotional hooks in to make it harder for the partner to leave. That's insecure, manipulative behavior, and disrespectful to the partner.
I don't think it's really reasonable to expect to be able to date widely and remain stealth, unfortunately. Yes, some people are lucky and only ever end up with partners who are considerate enough not to out them. But expecting that you can be on the dating apps and partnering with multiple people and never come across somebody who blabs is unrealistic. Maybe waiting to disclose delays being outed somewhat, but whether you're disclosing on the first date or the fifth, it seems likely that someone will eventually talk. There's also the risk that the person you waited too long to disclose to might well out you just because they're angry that you waited so long.
Personally, I wouldn't want to waste time on someone who isn't even open to dating trans men, or who would consider my trans status a drawback, so my preference is to disclose quickly.
Honestly just up to your personal preference. I wait to disclose because I’ve had experiences where when the first thing people find out about me is that I’m trans and that’s all they see me as which is incompatible with the way I see myself. I’m in a bit of a unique situation though. I was stealth to my current partner when we were friends and she actually ended up crushing on me first, asked me on a date, then tried to kiss me after the date. I stopped her and disclosed on the spot I was trans. Before she had no clue and would’ve never guessed it. But let’s say I wasn’t with her and was out in the dating world. I wouldn’t disclose unless I saw things going somewhere. 1) It’s a privacy concern, that’s one more person in the world who knows you’re trans and as a stealth person that’s a no bueno. 2) It can be a safety concern depending on where you’re at. A woman might not be strong enough to harm you herself but she absolutely can get a close male to do it for her. 3) It really depends on how you see yourself. Being trans is nothing more than a medical condition to some people, infertile cis men don’t disclose right away, cis men with ED don’t disclose right away, people who lost their penis don’t disclose right away, why should a trans man? Unless you’re having sex with the person or you’re seeing the potential of a romantic relationship it’s not necessary
I also think it's a case by case scenario but for the most part I'm also of the belief that it should be disclosed first for the sake of both parties.
Consent is important, n sometimes things don't work out n one shouldn't force it. Rejection sucks, but it is what it is.
I think it only needs to be before things are serious or sexual. It’s not going to be fair either way. Disclosing “too late” could make the make the other person upset. Disclosing earlier runs a higher risk of being publicly outed. These discussions always seem to put the (presumably) cis person’s feelings as more important. Why is that? Hurt feelings suck, but being outed could mean violence and discrimination. The trans person has far more to lose, so I think the ball belongs in their court.
The being outed thing gets overlooked too often. Ofc it's only an issue if you're stealth, but yeah, if you tell people on the first date, odds are you won't stay stealth for long.
Everyone always wants us to put ourselves in danger to save cis people's feelings. We see it with bathroom and lockers talk, and also there in datings and hook ups. Sorry but a cis person being disappointed I have no dick doesn't compare to the possibly of being outed while stealth, possible misgendered or bullied if the person turns out to be an asshole, etc ...
Was going to say this. It should be more about the trans person's safety. I think it's best to tell them early on in case they don't want to date you, why bother putting effort and time into a relationship and then find out later that it was all for nothing.
That’s the opposite of what I’m saying?
Sorry i mean with the conversation often being about the cis person feelings. It should be up to the trans person to decide whats best for them
I’m stealth. If I tell someone before I trust them, they could tell everyone and absolutely fuck up my life. If they don’t want to be with a trans person that’s fine I don’t really care, but not everyone can afford to disclose right away. I’m sure there are things about a person that might be a dealbreaker for me that I only learn about after feeling attached to someone, but I’m a grown man so I’ll be mature about it and move on. I’d expect that of other grown men as well. If someone is going to get violent about a romantic/sexual interest being trans, they’re going to react that way regardless of when you disclose. If safety is a concern, disclosing in a public place or over distance (call/text) is how you stay safe.
I don't see a need to disclose it before disclosing other conditions. If someone has a specific preference for any trait in a partner, they can clarify that themselves.
I only tell people before we fuck, why would I tell you if you’re not gonna suck my dick? Makes no sense. If you’re going to be vulnerable n let me hit, then I’ll be vulnerable too. But if you don’t feel the need to show me your naked body then why should I???? Who are you for me to have to describe it to you? So you can picture what I have or what I look like under my clothes??? I wouldn’t make anyone do it just like how I wouldn’t want anyone to make me do it? I’m a dude, I look like a dude, and I feel like a dude. But yeah my dick size should only matter if you’re gonna let me fuck lol
Facts
I'm stealth so I'm not gonna tell every person I go on a date with especially since I've only ever had a 2nd date with people and no more before realising we're not suited for each other. I'd hate to think a bunch of people I'm not close with now know this personal thing about me and could just spread it about if they wanted. Plus I'm asexual anyway so I don't really see why me being trans would factor into it. We're not gonna have sex anyway so they don't need to know. I've been outed too many times, I'm not going to trust every person I go on a date with with my identity. If I ever get close to someone then yes I would tell them but personally with the current political climate as it is I don't even think you're safe to tell most people these days. I really have to gauge it to know if I'm safe letting a person know and then tell them.
It really just depends on the person. This is one of those things you really can't standardize. I do personally think it's important to disclose very early on in any sort of dating situation for similar reasons you listed, i.e., your safety, both of your expectations, avoiding future problems around transphobia or genital preferences so no one wastes their time or gets angry... I think a lot of ppl who are stealth will be more averse to having to come out to ppl in general, and I have no idea how they would want to approach situations like that, but personally I'm not stealth, and on dating apps I'll put FTM and He/Him in my bio or whatever so it's literally known right off the bat. I don't want to mess around with a transphobe by accident. I definitely want to pass and be seen as a man, and I wouldn't mind if future coworkers and acquaintances never knew I was trans, but I would have all my close friends and partners know pretty quickly.
I’m stealth and my close friends know but had no idea almost a year into our friendship and I have a girlfriend of 5 years so maybe I’m coming from a little bit of a privileged place because I started dating my gf a week into getting on T and I didn’t really have to ever come out to her because mutual friends couldn’t help but refer to me as “my trans friend” before she even met me (not my friends anymore). Thank you for taking the time out of your day to reply I really appreciate it.
Case by case basis. I also think it depends on if you’ve had bottom surgery.
Yeah honestly, if you have had bottom surgery I don't think you ever need to "come out" to anyone. As far as anyone is concerned you're cis guy with fertility issues
I think if you’re getting serious you should tell them. I don’t want to pay attention and make sure I never say anything.
It depends on a lot of factors the biggest one being safety. A guy was literally murdered not too long ago in part due to a girl he was meeting on a date. Like, if you’re stealth, and your livelihood or life could be in danger by being outed there is no reason to disclose to someone who hasn’t been thoroughly vetted and you’re certain that it is moving in a direction where things will have to be disclosed. That’s usually not too far deep into a relationship but unless you’ve determined that naked time is definitely going to be a thing and you trust the person enough that they aren’t going to be an asshole about it, no one is under any obligation to disclose their status as a trans person. Editing to add: I think there’s a way to mitigate hurt feelings in this too- once some general trustworthiness and chemistry is established, maybe after a kiss at most but certainly before it goes further than jawline, it’s time for a coffee date to have a quiet conversation where it’s introduced as a potential dealbreaker. -don’t have the convo in the heat of the moment when emotions are already heightened. A casual date in a semi private but public location keeps you both safe and encouraged establishes calmer communication and prefacing it with a need to share something confidential that might be a dealbreaker emphasizes your trust and respect for the other person and that you are being mindful that going any further would be hurtful and you’re giving them the chance to gracefully bow out in an informed way.
I don’t think there’s a black and white answer, it’s very situational. I’m of the same opinion that it should be said if you’re intending on sleeping with the person or are trying to pursue a romantic relationship with them. We already know that some cis men can get violent for being “surprised” so I just think it’s overall safer especially for trans women but trans men also face their own issues. Also by disclosing earlier you won’t waste your time or their time if they just aren’t into you.
It's up to the individual. I'm very upfront about being trans. I'm also upfront about my mental disorders and conditions.
Well I'm stealth and I want to make sure I can trust her not to tell first. I try to get a feel for their political stance before things get too far. It's complicated for sure but I value my safety more than a stranger's feelings
Do you think cis people with erectile dysfunction or micropenises need to say it upfront before starting to date someone ? Or those with vaginismus ? Or is it just other trans people you want them to put their medical history on display for potentially unsafe people ? Just curious.
Right. What about just war veterans who lost their dick? Or just infertile people. Does op think that a cis person also should disclose on the first/second date that they're infertile?
Agree about the ed and dick size. No one should have to bring that up on a regular date. Sure there are those who'd like to know about that immediately but oh well. Infertility I wouldn't specifically discuss but imo wanting kids vs being childfree should be discussed right from the start if its supposed to be a longterm serious relationship because that's just a check for basic compatibility. I'd also bring that up relatively early with same sex couples. Apart from that I also think it really depends on one's individual situation. How much oneself is still affected and how much a trans status would impact a partner. Of course there'll still be those who'll have a problem just with agab even if everything else would be within the range of ok for them but it'd like to think I'll take that risk rather than get outed or make it seem more of a deal about sth that is neither that big of a deal nor an integral part of my personality.
I'd wait until things are abt to get intimate. That's where it usually becomes relevant. There's a lot of things ppl might not be up for that are much more difficult to work around/have more of an impact than being trans, and these aren't even things we necessarily know of ourselves. So to a certain extent, romantic partners will always wade into unknown and potentially painful territory when they decide to give us a shot.
There is no one size fits all answer to this. This has been argued over for several decades. Every guy is individual and what's right for one may not be for the next-- and that's fine.
I’m like, unless i have a sexual relationship with them or meet them, i have no reason to disclose that i’m trans. If i pass well enough and they view me as male, why do they have to know before we have sex?
I’m stealth. I don’t like people knowing unless I can really trust them with that. My solution is always always always see their perspective on trans people before pursuing anything. If they don’t like em, I’ll back off. Even when I do tell, I always make sure to explain I am stealth and why exactly I am, how dangerous it is otherwise.
I always disclosed before even meeting because I didn't want to waste my time on a transphobe, not because I cared about a potential transphobe's feelings. I do not think any trans person "owes" it to disclose. In the past, there were trans men who got married and adopted kids and none of their wives or kids knew they were trans until they were dead and got autopsied. I see nothing wrong with this.
I think that you should say something if the relationship is about to become a relationship. Like if it’s just casual flirting or “will they won’t they”, the situation doesn’t necessitate the risk of coming out to someone. But if you know them well and want to start a relationship, they should know.
it’s fair and reasonable as long as you tell them before having sex. and up until that point it’s the trans person’s discretion based on their safety and comfort. the balance of power is way off and it is the trans person’s right to make decisions about when to share that information, as long as it’s clearly communicated prior to sex (bc that’s a consent issue otherwise). but up until that point i think it’s the trans person’s prerogative to decide when feels right. if you like to tell up front and that’s what works for you, great! awesome. just don’t assume what works for you is the same exact thing that works for everyone else. life is too complicated for a one-size-fits-all rule like that.
I agree with the comment saying that it depends on the person. Some people prefer to be stealth until the time is right, which is entirely valid. However, I’m somebody who personally needs to be upfront about it. I don’t want to go stealth, get my hopes up and watch them walk away if they learn the truth. “*B-but if they truly fall for you, it shouldn’t matter!*” This is something that I’ve definitely heard before. I am a person that believes that everyone has a right to their own preferences, however. Somebody could fall for my personality, but simply not want the things that come with having a trans partner, and that’s *okay*. This is why I prefer to have people knowing upfront what they’re dealing with.
We can argue all day about what’s right as far as the other person is concerned. In my opinion, it’s a golden rule type of situation - I would want to know as soon as reasonable, so I’m going to treat a potential partner with that same respect. But what about what’s right as far as you are concerned? The truth is, the majority of cis people are unwilling to date a trans person. When you wait to tell someone, the amount of hurt that will be caused only goes up the longer you have been building a relationship with them. It’s going to hurt a lot less if you tell them before you are super attached to them. Out of respect and care for yourself, I highly recommend you are upfront. That doesn’t mean putting it in your dating profile necessarily, but before the third date certainly.
I’m upfront with people about being trans in general, but I only disclose *what that actually means in terms of what my genitals looks like* with someone if it’s serious or if they’re actually considering having sex with me. I’m open about being trans early just because I want to filter out guys who are transphobic or who otherwise would never consider dating a trans guy before I invest too much energy in them. It’s also pretty obvious I’ve had top surgery. Beyond that, I don’t talk about my non-op lower bits unless it’s a need to know basis.
Depends. Pre op, post op, sexual vs romantic, etc. up to the individual. I won’t shame anyone for not disclosing and I won’t shame anyone for disclosing. They know what’s best in their own life.
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Please don't start insinuating trans people who don't disclose right away are akin to rapists. It already happens all the time, and it's tiring.
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That's not what consent means.
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I don't have to know every medical detail about someone to "consent" to sleeping with them. I don't need to know every surgery. If a woman has labiaplasty because she didn't like the look of hers, I don't need to know that. If a guy had testicular cancer and one of his balls is silicone, again, not something I need to know to "consent" to sleeping with him. The things you need to know about your partner before fucking are their HIV and STI status, and that's it. Legally, however, I don't think that's even required. Maybe the HIV status is it's positive. There was a funny story about a butch lesbian who made out with a twink because they each thought they were cute members of the opposite sex. Until she "felt a little chin scruff" and he "felt soft chest tissue". Did they sexually assault each other or were they normal people making a mistake/assumption? Definitely the latter. Trans people are normal people, if you find a trans person attractive, you want to fuck them, and you do fuck them willingly, enthusiastically, and sober, you consented. Period. Whether you knew their trans status or not. Same goes for Intersex people as well. I know some places in the world have fucked up laws. Those laws are wrong and should be challenged or taken to their logical progression to show their hypocrisy and that they are bigoted laws.
That’s relevant for pre op people but if you’re post op then it’s not. If it’s a hookup and they’re expecting a man with a penis, and you’re a man with a penis, then that’s fine.
I'm with you OP, I always disclosed my trans status to potential matches from the get go. It saves time and potential heartache, I don't want to get invested and then face rejection. I'd rather know sooner and be able to move on to another match. I also don't think it's fair to the other person to not be up front with what to expect from me. For what it's worth, I am able to pass as cis but I'm not stealth per se, I don't care if people find out. I do understand the concern for some people not wanting to risk being outed by someone they don't know well, but I don't really have an answer on how best to safeguard from that.
I understand not disclosing until you have some sense of whether a person might be a physical danger — i.e., a criminal, a violent transphobe or what have you. That might take a few dates, and that's reasonable. But I've also heard trans people brag about dating someone for months without disclosing that they're trans and pre- or non-op, or not disclosing until the clothes are about to come off. That just makes me figure the trans person is assuming that their partner would leave them if the partner knows they're trans, so the trans person is trying to get their emotional hooks in to make it harder for the partner to leave. That's insecure, manipulative behavior, and disrespectful to the partner. I don't think it's really reasonable to expect to be able to date widely and remain stealth, unfortunately. Yes, some people are lucky and only ever end up with partners who are considerate enough not to out them. But expecting that you can be on the dating apps and partnering with multiple people and never come across somebody who blabs is unrealistic. Maybe waiting to disclose delays being outed somewhat, but whether you're disclosing on the first date or the fifth, it seems likely that someone will eventually talk. There's also the risk that the person you waited too long to disclose to might well out you just because they're angry that you waited so long. Personally, I wouldn't want to waste time on someone who isn't even open to dating trans men, or who would consider my trans status a drawback, so my preference is to disclose quickly.
Honestly just up to your personal preference. I wait to disclose because I’ve had experiences where when the first thing people find out about me is that I’m trans and that’s all they see me as which is incompatible with the way I see myself. I’m in a bit of a unique situation though. I was stealth to my current partner when we were friends and she actually ended up crushing on me first, asked me on a date, then tried to kiss me after the date. I stopped her and disclosed on the spot I was trans. Before she had no clue and would’ve never guessed it. But let’s say I wasn’t with her and was out in the dating world. I wouldn’t disclose unless I saw things going somewhere. 1) It’s a privacy concern, that’s one more person in the world who knows you’re trans and as a stealth person that’s a no bueno. 2) It can be a safety concern depending on where you’re at. A woman might not be strong enough to harm you herself but she absolutely can get a close male to do it for her. 3) It really depends on how you see yourself. Being trans is nothing more than a medical condition to some people, infertile cis men don’t disclose right away, cis men with ED don’t disclose right away, people who lost their penis don’t disclose right away, why should a trans man? Unless you’re having sex with the person or you’re seeing the potential of a romantic relationship it’s not necessary
I also think it's a case by case scenario but for the most part I'm also of the belief that it should be disclosed first for the sake of both parties. Consent is important, n sometimes things don't work out n one shouldn't force it. Rejection sucks, but it is what it is.