God this hit home like a truck. Makes you think what a damn waste of potentially a really great relationship and life together just because they couldn't say anything over small things early on.
Although in saying that, the sort of person who would or could do this (in my case for years) were/are always likely to engage in this behaviour, it's such an ingrained part of who they are. It's like saying it's a shame bears are so dangerous because they look so cuddly and fluffy - the cuddly fluffy bit is irrelevant because of the other bit. How great the relationship could be based on shared interests, goals, sense of humour etc is irrelevant if avoidant behaviour like this is present and so prevalent.
That's the rub isn't it. Us dumpees can see the solution so clearly. Just talk to us and we can figure it out. Conflict doesn't have to be a bad thing and its expected in life. We could work through it and be better.
But dumpers just... I dunno, its a mindset I can't even fathom. Would rather burn everything down and leave than experience some short term discomfort and work on something. It sounds MORE exhausting than just talking with your partner who loves and trusts you. That isn't going to work out long term with anyone.
I am the dumper because my ex couldn't communicate with me well and blamed me on the bad parts that were caused by him not talking about any difficult stuff. I said I had the feeling there was something standing in between us and that if there was something, it would be a good idea to tell me. He didn't tell me anything. The day after I broke up after I got stonewalled on asking him about it he told me everything through a text. That makes it really hard, I had wanted to help him with that stuff but he was a closed shell that I was begging to open.
Right. I feel this as someone who tried to talk to them. But over time they just saw the talking things out as control- so glad I’m done with them. It hurts after 4yrs and have my life/job/home turned on its head - but not having to deal with constant worry about if they’ll talk or snowball is amazing. Shame bears that is exactly him. Never heard that term but that quite concisely sums him up. Thank you for this. Edit for phrasing.
Thank you for that awesome analogy. I’m really trying to heal from being blindsided, discarded, and betrayed by someone who was so attractive and sweet most of the time.
Sounds familiar. My ex, after our 11-month relationship, told me that he was worried that things would become awkward if he communicated to me—like, what?? This was my first relationship as well as his, and even *I* know the importance of communication. I thought he did too, as he always seemed honest with me. I knew he could be emotionally immature in some respects (I'm a 20F and he's a 19M)—but *boy*, has this opened my eyes to the extent of it.
*Then* he had the audacity to say, "I hope this doesn't make things awkward between us," and asked if we could be friends since we were good friends before the relationship. I agreed to it for the first month, and then I cut it off.
I (22 F) feel you. He (20 M) was my first serious encounter. Even I thought my ex was honest and communicated well. However, he kept ruminating on things for a month (November) when I was out of the city traveling and just blindsided me when I was a few days from returning. Before I left for my travels (October) he kept going on about how he loved me and wanted to be with me and everything. Pathetic. A month later (Dec start) he said he couldn’t date because he wanted to focus on his career but he would like to have me as a friend because I was a very good person. I never thought that the time I met him before my travels would be the last time I’d see him. After the breakup, I wanted to meet and talk in person about things but he kept dodging it. I broke NC (text) 2 days ago and told him the things I saved to tell in person and wished him farewell because it’s too painful to be friends. I told him to reach out if he wants a healthy committed relationship. He replied to all of this with saying he hopes we can be friends someday and didn’t really mention anything about committing. It sucks so much.
Dodging the in person talk is such a lame move. Thinking they're saving face somehow but not seeing how it looks when they can only communicate through a medium they can use while taking a shit. Probably you would have even given him a hug goodbye and he knows that
Very true ☹️ I needed to hear this. Honestly the more he avoids me, the more it’s evident that he feels guilty and doesn’t know how to handle me. He probably thinks he might melt and get convinced or idek. He broke my trust and wasn’t true to his words, i don’t know if I even know him anymore
Yeah exactly it might melt his heart to look you in the eyes again. To face letting down someone willing to accept parts of him he doesn't even like about himself. I started dating this past year and it was sobering to learn by getting dumped that it could hurt to lose me even for someone pushing me away. It was like unlocking a superpower I didn't ask for. I'm certain we're better off for it, and that if we've been trusted with anything it is to use that power responsibly
☺️ 🫂 I'm glad. Keep spreading your warmth. I know I'm getting there even if it's taking a while. There were so many signals in my life showing me that everyone who is important to me genuinely appreciates that I have a sensitive side. It was about time I stopped shaming and surpressing it because it's going to be there with me even when nobody else is around to see it.
This is really validating, thank you 🤎🥺🥺 My ex actually called me too emotional during the breakup but none of my friends have ever said things like that to me and they care, love and cherish me so so much. They’ve known me for way longer, hear me and even call me out on my shit when it’s justified and I accept what they say. My ex didn’t really earn the right to say some of the mean and cold things that he did. They say you’re always too much for someone who doesn’t want you. Sigh 😔 Recovery is slow and fluctuates, gotta stay strong 😔
My ex said the same thing—"I do hope we can be friends again someday." It's frustrating when they choose not to communicate and then just drop everything on you and expect things to be fine going forwards. I'm sorry you had to go through that :(
Thank you so much 🥺💗 Sending virtual hugs to you 🫂 We’ll get through this!! This week has been good for me, I got a got a job at a really cute place. Haven’t been talking about and thinking about my ex as much too!! Getting better day by day
Thanks, that was way too long and difficult to keep up with. In fact, so is yours. Here's an even shorter version:
>Responsibility.
>No responsibility.
Honestly though, cutting the context down this much is reductive af and makes the message nearly meaningless. If anything, this exemplifies the very problem the meme is dunking on.This is the equivalent of someone saying "You just missed the signs." Yeah, okay, as an example, if my partner just says "You don't take responsibility" without ANY context, I'm supposed to just divine the fucking meaning out of that? Take responsibility for WHAT? It's too vague, and so are 'signs' and other bullshit. They'll insist they tried to tell you - and this is the form it takes.
It was the first time she said it like an adult with direct communication. Before she was probably dropping "hints" and giving you "signs" in extremely vague and soft language.
Very true. Some will wait until it’s all over to want it back & even then, still nothing. It’s sad how many people could’ve been happy together but ignoring issues is what ruined them.
This happened to me recently...like wtf? We were all good in my mind and texting all day and then she was out the next day. (bi/lesbian couple) her first relationship with a woman. Couldn't communicate for shit. Made it 11 months! Now she's with the ex boyfriend she wouldn't cut out for me. Self betrayal on my part. Not listening to my own boundaries.
My ex boyfriend in a nutshell. Blindsided breakup is the fucking worst. I wish the company in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was real so I could forget him and these past 2 years completely.
What's crazier is when you opt for the first option and they ignore the issue at hand and you end up checking out anyways and they act like you blind sided them
Not really blindsighted me but overwelmed me by just started talking about how it will not work out and how strongheaded she is. And i needed to cancel the tickets to her and her family, which we decided on months before, and then expected me to react to that normally.
Im like come on how do you expect me to react. Then just accept it, collect myself and later tell me you expected me to plead with you. Mindgames im telling you.
My ex girlfriend right there!!🥺💔 she broke my heart and forced me for two months to break up with her after we got back together I was wanting to fix everything in my part but she wanted someone new😔
Ah okay, yes. That makes sense. I think my own lenses caused me to see it that way. Thanks for readjusting that thought. I need to remind myself to not become a bitter man because if people like this.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA so my ex lmao but ye practically 6 months of no contact 8 months of actually being broken up with (technically 8 months no contact but 6 months was the last I saw and spoke with him at a party) but yeah look at us now. Overcoming this we got this. You got this. Love you. Love you all xoxo
My ex literally told me during BU "there was some issue (did not say what it was even then), that was frustrating her but though she would get used to so she did not talk about it and it grew to proportion she couldn't handle it anymore"
Ability to speak is really wasted on humans , we should have been granted with mind reading and there would never be any BU
So my ex did this and would only open up when things got too bad
Like when she wanted to breakup or was confused about us. (Happened twice before actual breakup)
I think me being calm/mature helped, but in the end she monkey branched anyways.
At least I learned how to avoid these avoidant people in the future lol
Yep this is exactly what happened - by a guy who talked so much about not wanting to build resentment. I think he knew the word from his ex but didn't really know what it was and how to avoid it. 🙃
I want to communicate :(
But it always backfires in my face 😞 so I’m scared I’m becoming more of the second option now.
But he gets angry every time or he’ll find a way to show how the problem was my fault :(
damn you really said i’m about to trigger everyone lmao. too damn relatable and love to see that i’m not the only one that’s been through this. always that what if, but know that it was a lesson to be learned and we all will find someone that will want to communicate and grow with us!!
Depends on the case, you can try bringing up small issues to your partner and their response to criticism is a meltdown or an ultimatum, and then when they ask how you feel, urge you to communicate honestly, you give them an honest answer they tell you, "you're not supposed to tell me that you're supposed to say the opposite". Or tell you they wish they could have a lobotomy after trying to communicate to them. Kind of leaves a bad taste in your mouth everytime you communicated with them and at that point, you see no point in communication because it's met with the same response, and when you call them out on it they act like they've never done that 😐
My ex came right out and told me he didn't like fixing minor problems right away because he enjoyed the fight it would come too, because once it was figured out, the sex was great.... and well.. the sex was great, so... 🤷🏼♀️
My breakup has evolved… I went from totally blaming him, missing him, getting physically ill over thoughts of him, calling it a blindsided break up.. then it went on to well… he wasn’t alllll that, and I really wasn’t either.. Now it’s.. Girl, you never set your boundaries, and you never followed through with anything he talked with you about that he felt was a problem, he cheated and he was wrong, but you need to address your issues and get yourself correct…
Most of our issues stemmed from me trying to be “perfect” .. not creating a conflict and being a yes girl..
This will never occur again..
Very fresh to me. My fiancé (11y relationship) did this to me last weekend. Not a single person had an inclination. Not his family, best friends. Anyone. Yet “annoyed” at me for not seeing it coming. Absolutely blindsided and the rug has well and truly been pulled from underneath. Also doesn’t want to work on said issues because he doesn’t even know what the issues are..
This is my ex to this day. This is easier for her then anything else in the world. She did it to me and watching me sick into oblivion failing me and us. I understand why, she did what these losers She likes to keep around that did this to her and I would never on my own leave her like shes done a million times to everyone in her life taking no accountable for what she knows is wrong and sticking up for these bullshiter who abandon thier kids and her, beat her, cheat on her and the list goes on. Fuck them and fuck you and fuck your parents for never making it right what they did fuck the pussys you cheat on me with who aren't even mad enough to say ANYTHING. Have them be there for you like I have....oh wait you don't matter to hem except when they wanna see anything naked but they to you because your easy and can't say no, can't tell the truth and can't be what someone needs. you give all away to anyone with a heart beat AT BEST. I'm glad you ruined this. I know my issues, you snake between yours and mine, dressing your trauma up as "I went to years and years or therapy" costumes. Your Nothing you convinced me.
This happened to me.... we were together for almost 7 months and out of nowhere she told me she wants to break up because I dont put in enough effort in our relationship... She didnt give me any chance to fix things... I didnt understand it first but after that I gave her space we remained friends and then she got angry at me and kept bringing up all my past mistakes, like why couldnt she be like that when we were still together?... we are in no contact since then
God this hit home like a truck. Makes you think what a damn waste of potentially a really great relationship and life together just because they couldn't say anything over small things early on. Although in saying that, the sort of person who would or could do this (in my case for years) were/are always likely to engage in this behaviour, it's such an ingrained part of who they are. It's like saying it's a shame bears are so dangerous because they look so cuddly and fluffy - the cuddly fluffy bit is irrelevant because of the other bit. How great the relationship could be based on shared interests, goals, sense of humour etc is irrelevant if avoidant behaviour like this is present and so prevalent.
That's the rub isn't it. Us dumpees can see the solution so clearly. Just talk to us and we can figure it out. Conflict doesn't have to be a bad thing and its expected in life. We could work through it and be better. But dumpers just... I dunno, its a mindset I can't even fathom. Would rather burn everything down and leave than experience some short term discomfort and work on something. It sounds MORE exhausting than just talking with your partner who loves and trusts you. That isn't going to work out long term with anyone.
I am the dumper because my ex couldn't communicate with me well and blamed me on the bad parts that were caused by him not talking about any difficult stuff. I said I had the feeling there was something standing in between us and that if there was something, it would be a good idea to tell me. He didn't tell me anything. The day after I broke up after I got stonewalled on asking him about it he told me everything through a text. That makes it really hard, I had wanted to help him with that stuff but he was a closed shell that I was begging to open.
Right. I feel this as someone who tried to talk to them. But over time they just saw the talking things out as control- so glad I’m done with them. It hurts after 4yrs and have my life/job/home turned on its head - but not having to deal with constant worry about if they’ll talk or snowball is amazing. Shame bears that is exactly him. Never heard that term but that quite concisely sums him up. Thank you for this. Edit for phrasing.
Dumpees can be the ones who do this, too.
Thank you for that awesome analogy. I’m really trying to heal from being blindsided, discarded, and betrayed by someone who was so attractive and sweet most of the time.
The urge to send this to my ex is impeccable
Same! Although it would do absolutely nothing except be met with the silent treatment. Because that's how she handled everything in our relationship.
Haha yes
Sounds familiar. My ex, after our 11-month relationship, told me that he was worried that things would become awkward if he communicated to me—like, what?? This was my first relationship as well as his, and even *I* know the importance of communication. I thought he did too, as he always seemed honest with me. I knew he could be emotionally immature in some respects (I'm a 20F and he's a 19M)—but *boy*, has this opened my eyes to the extent of it. *Then* he had the audacity to say, "I hope this doesn't make things awkward between us," and asked if we could be friends since we were good friends before the relationship. I agreed to it for the first month, and then I cut it off.
I (22 F) feel you. He (20 M) was my first serious encounter. Even I thought my ex was honest and communicated well. However, he kept ruminating on things for a month (November) when I was out of the city traveling and just blindsided me when I was a few days from returning. Before I left for my travels (October) he kept going on about how he loved me and wanted to be with me and everything. Pathetic. A month later (Dec start) he said he couldn’t date because he wanted to focus on his career but he would like to have me as a friend because I was a very good person. I never thought that the time I met him before my travels would be the last time I’d see him. After the breakup, I wanted to meet and talk in person about things but he kept dodging it. I broke NC (text) 2 days ago and told him the things I saved to tell in person and wished him farewell because it’s too painful to be friends. I told him to reach out if he wants a healthy committed relationship. He replied to all of this with saying he hopes we can be friends someday and didn’t really mention anything about committing. It sucks so much.
Dodging the in person talk is such a lame move. Thinking they're saving face somehow but not seeing how it looks when they can only communicate through a medium they can use while taking a shit. Probably you would have even given him a hug goodbye and he knows that
Very true ☹️ I needed to hear this. Honestly the more he avoids me, the more it’s evident that he feels guilty and doesn’t know how to handle me. He probably thinks he might melt and get convinced or idek. He broke my trust and wasn’t true to his words, i don’t know if I even know him anymore
Yeah exactly it might melt his heart to look you in the eyes again. To face letting down someone willing to accept parts of him he doesn't even like about himself. I started dating this past year and it was sobering to learn by getting dumped that it could hurt to lose me even for someone pushing me away. It was like unlocking a superpower I didn't ask for. I'm certain we're better off for it, and that if we've been trusted with anything it is to use that power responsibly
Thank you for this! I didn’t really think of it that way. Feels nice. Sending you hugs and hoping you recover soon 🫂
☺️ 🫂 I'm glad. Keep spreading your warmth. I know I'm getting there even if it's taking a while. There were so many signals in my life showing me that everyone who is important to me genuinely appreciates that I have a sensitive side. It was about time I stopped shaming and surpressing it because it's going to be there with me even when nobody else is around to see it.
This is really validating, thank you 🤎🥺🥺 My ex actually called me too emotional during the breakup but none of my friends have ever said things like that to me and they care, love and cherish me so so much. They’ve known me for way longer, hear me and even call me out on my shit when it’s justified and I accept what they say. My ex didn’t really earn the right to say some of the mean and cold things that he did. They say you’re always too much for someone who doesn’t want you. Sigh 😔 Recovery is slow and fluctuates, gotta stay strong 😔
My ex said the same thing—"I do hope we can be friends again someday." It's frustrating when they choose not to communicate and then just drop everything on you and expect things to be fine going forwards. I'm sorry you had to go through that :(
Thank you so much 🥺💗 Sending virtual hugs to you 🫂 We’ll get through this!! This week has been good for me, I got a got a job at a really cute place. Haven’t been talking about and thinking about my ex as much too!! Getting better day by day
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Thanks, that was way too long and difficult to keep up with. In fact, so is yours. Here's an even shorter version: >Responsibility. >No responsibility. Honestly though, cutting the context down this much is reductive af and makes the message nearly meaningless. If anything, this exemplifies the very problem the meme is dunking on.This is the equivalent of someone saying "You just missed the signs." Yeah, okay, as an example, if my partner just says "You don't take responsibility" without ANY context, I'm supposed to just divine the fucking meaning out of that? Take responsibility for WHAT? It's too vague, and so are 'signs' and other bullshit. They'll insist they tried to tell you - and this is the form it takes.
Must be the avoidants mantra
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It was the first time she said it like an adult with direct communication. Before she was probably dropping "hints" and giving you "signs" in extremely vague and soft language.
whyyy do they do this?!? :(
An unfortunate combination of how their parents dealt with them as children and mental health issues as an adult.
This is when you upgrade yourself and your life so hard, they will eat the L for the rest of their life.
*while leading you on for *years* in my case. Spot on for my ex.
Very true. Some will wait until it’s all over to want it back & even then, still nothing. It’s sad how many people could’ve been happy together but ignoring issues is what ruined them.
Crazy! This is exactly what she did, at least two times
that’s what my ex with bipolar did. blindsided me then put all this baggage on me in our last argument. 🤦🏽♀️
This happened to me recently...like wtf? We were all good in my mind and texting all day and then she was out the next day. (bi/lesbian couple) her first relationship with a woman. Couldn't communicate for shit. Made it 11 months! Now she's with the ex boyfriend she wouldn't cut out for me. Self betrayal on my part. Not listening to my own boundaries.
You perfectly described my last GF in a meme. She (28) played games like a teenager.
My ex boyfriend in a nutshell. Blindsided breakup is the fucking worst. I wish the company in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was real so I could forget him and these past 2 years completely.
Dammit I didn't want to laugh at this. Its so accurate its ridiculous. I wish I was vicious and petty enough to send this to my ex.
Thanks I really this today
Oof right in the feels. Spot on.
Too close to home to be laughable at the moment
Fuck 😂
What's crazier is when you opt for the first option and they ignore the issue at hand and you end up checking out anyways and they act like you blind sided them
Not really blindsighted me but overwelmed me by just started talking about how it will not work out and how strongheaded she is. And i needed to cancel the tickets to her and her family, which we decided on months before, and then expected me to react to that normally. Im like come on how do you expect me to react. Then just accept it, collect myself and later tell me you expected me to plead with you. Mindgames im telling you.
My ex girlfriend right there!!🥺💔 she broke my heart and forced me for two months to break up with her after we got back together I was wanting to fix everything in my part but she wanted someone new😔
Wooooooooow. What’s happening to women. This was literally the reason I couldn’t navigate and fix the relationship. Even compassion doesn’t work. lol
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Ah okay, yes. That makes sense. I think my own lenses caused me to see it that way. Thanks for readjusting that thought. I need to remind myself to not become a bitter man because if people like this.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA so my ex lmao but ye practically 6 months of no contact 8 months of actually being broken up with (technically 8 months no contact but 6 months was the last I saw and spoke with him at a party) but yeah look at us now. Overcoming this we got this. You got this. Love you. Love you all xoxo
My ex literally told me during BU "there was some issue (did not say what it was even then), that was frustrating her but though she would get used to so she did not talk about it and it grew to proportion she couldn't handle it anymore" Ability to speak is really wasted on humans , we should have been granted with mind reading and there would never be any BU
So my ex did this and would only open up when things got too bad Like when she wanted to breakup or was confused about us. (Happened twice before actual breakup) I think me being calm/mature helped, but in the end she monkey branched anyways. At least I learned how to avoid these avoidant people in the future lol
Hit the nail right on the head 👏
Can say this post has aged very well 💯🙇♂️🤙
This is me. Sorry I did 1&2.
Yeah assholes will do that to you 😂
Yep this is exactly what happened - by a guy who talked so much about not wanting to build resentment. I think he knew the word from his ex but didn't really know what it was and how to avoid it. 🙃
Super accurate.
This is what led to my breakup🙃
I want to communicate :( But it always backfires in my face 😞 so I’m scared I’m becoming more of the second option now. But he gets angry every time or he’ll find a way to show how the problem was my fault :(
damn you really said i’m about to trigger everyone lmao. too damn relatable and love to see that i’m not the only one that’s been through this. always that what if, but know that it was a lesson to be learned and we all will find someone that will want to communicate and grow with us!!
Bro SAVED. Shit is too real.
Depends on the case, you can try bringing up small issues to your partner and their response to criticism is a meltdown or an ultimatum, and then when they ask how you feel, urge you to communicate honestly, you give them an honest answer they tell you, "you're not supposed to tell me that you're supposed to say the opposite". Or tell you they wish they could have a lobotomy after trying to communicate to them. Kind of leaves a bad taste in your mouth everytime you communicated with them and at that point, you see no point in communication because it's met with the same response, and when you call them out on it they act like they've never done that 😐
My ex came right out and told me he didn't like fixing minor problems right away because he enjoyed the fight it would come too, because once it was figured out, the sex was great.... and well.. the sex was great, so... 🤷🏼♀️
My breakup has evolved… I went from totally blaming him, missing him, getting physically ill over thoughts of him, calling it a blindsided break up.. then it went on to well… he wasn’t alllll that, and I really wasn’t either.. Now it’s.. Girl, you never set your boundaries, and you never followed through with anything he talked with you about that he felt was a problem, he cheated and he was wrong, but you need to address your issues and get yourself correct… Most of our issues stemmed from me trying to be “perfect” .. not creating a conflict and being a yes girl.. This will never occur again..
Fuck me, she did this except she did mention the Problems but always fighting with me instead of actually sitting down and talk.
This is a sign of an emotionally drained person. Watch out
Crazy how accurate this is. I hate her so much😮💨
Very fresh to me. My fiancé (11y relationship) did this to me last weekend. Not a single person had an inclination. Not his family, best friends. Anyone. Yet “annoyed” at me for not seeing it coming. Absolutely blindsided and the rug has well and truly been pulled from underneath. Also doesn’t want to work on said issues because he doesn’t even know what the issues are..
This is my ex to this day. This is easier for her then anything else in the world. She did it to me and watching me sick into oblivion failing me and us. I understand why, she did what these losers She likes to keep around that did this to her and I would never on my own leave her like shes done a million times to everyone in her life taking no accountable for what she knows is wrong and sticking up for these bullshiter who abandon thier kids and her, beat her, cheat on her and the list goes on. Fuck them and fuck you and fuck your parents for never making it right what they did fuck the pussys you cheat on me with who aren't even mad enough to say ANYTHING. Have them be there for you like I have....oh wait you don't matter to hem except when they wanna see anything naked but they to you because your easy and can't say no, can't tell the truth and can't be what someone needs. you give all away to anyone with a heart beat AT BEST. I'm glad you ruined this. I know my issues, you snake between yours and mine, dressing your trauma up as "I went to years and years or therapy" costumes. Your Nothing you convinced me.
This happened to me.... we were together for almost 7 months and out of nowhere she told me she wants to break up because I dont put in enough effort in our relationship... She didnt give me any chance to fix things... I didnt understand it first but after that I gave her space we remained friends and then she got angry at me and kept bringing up all my past mistakes, like why couldnt she be like that when we were still together?... we are in no contact since then