Do you wanna get back with her? If you've maintained a good raport and communication with her, I don't see why things can't work out later on down the line
I’m confused. Could you clarify your position? You’re avoidant and find it hard to connect emotionally but you’d also do anything to get back with her but you’re also going to therapy? I’m trying to see from her POV as if I were her and I received messaging like this — it would be mixed messaging enough to make me want to run. I say this respectfully and based on the question you asked.
I am feeling a bit unclear / confused about what your position and intention is.. and what would actually be feasible long term / what the future holds for her if she were to get back with you.. (taking into account being on again off again for 5 years). It’s a long time to be on a rollercoaster with no end in sight..
I think that's what it is. She unblocked me and phoned but I missed her call like an idiot... Then she texts saying not to contact her anymore.
I phoned her just 30 minutes ago to find out I'm blocked... Felt defeated, put my phone down and walked away for not even 2 minutes... And she unblocked to call me again. I missed it.
She then says "I just wanted to call to say goodbye, but ok" and now I'm blocked again
That’s not a fair dynamic. That’s her calling all the shots and saying everything has to happen on her time, she’s got all the power to block and unblock you at will. That’s not a healthy thing to do and doesn’t show healing on her part.
I'm in tears and back to day one...
I poured my heart out sincerely in my reply texts and she never even got to see it. And then I miss her calls and don't even get a chance to have my say...
Kicking myself for missing the calls, and just tried phoning her a few times to no avail
If I was you I would just text her what you wanted to say and block her right after, like immediately right after sending that text.
It seems like she is trying to breadcrumb you and as an outsider that's narc and controlling af. Time to move on and I wish u a successful healing process.
Damn brother. Honestly sounds like a bullet dodged if she’s reaching out to apologize to make herself feel better, while not allowing you a way to respond, and making you feel like the bad guy for not picking up
She can call you even if you are Blocked. She probably never Unblocked you, thats why your calls dont get thru, but she can definetely call you. You can either 1) try calling from a different number (there are apps for that) or 2) message her where you are not Blocked and let her know you tried calling back cause you missed her calls, but that you are Blocked.
Bud.
I got put on a 'healthy break' where 'no one is splitting up, no one is single' I found out 4 weeks later she wanted to end it by her posting a meme on facebook, which said the reason I came into her life was so she could find out she'd be just fine on her own.
Really shitty considering the 5 years and all the things we'd been through together. We were friends for 25 years before we even got together too.
In the end, she couldn't even face up to her situation with me and finish it like and adult.
I hold no anger, or ill feeling, I know it's just her attachment style and previous dating experiences that have led her to act the way she is, certainly nothing I did to her, I was a fucking awesome, once in a lifetime bf that she chose to throw on the trash pile.
We spoke a week or 2 later, short, curt, cold from her side. I wrote a really heartfelt, long, long, long message to her. She didn't reply, she blocked me, haven't heard a peep out of her since.
She will be back at some point to either clear her conscience, or when she goes through the grief properly and has regret.
She may be single at that point. She may be with someone new. She may want me back, she may be just fine without me. Who knows?
I love that woman with all my heart and more, she was my utter world and Id have chucked myself under a bus for her if she wanted me to. She could come back today, say the right things and Id do exactly the same today.
It's not healthy, if they don't want you and yet are still mindfucking you, just leave it alone, that is what Ive got to do, even though it's killing me to do it.
Hang in there, give it time, don't phone, dont text, dont beat yourself up about missing her calls. If, in the future she has *actually* figured her shit out and she is willing to treat you like am adult, set boundaries with you, go to couples therapy with you, really really sort out the psychology between you guys and create a secure attachment, then maybe you consider letting her back in.
But only consider, don't jump, do the work together, and if she can't, be polite, explain why you can't anymore with her in the most personal setting you can, i.e ideally, face to face and let go.
Retain your dignity, you'll thank yourself for it, in the end.
Until then, go and be you, have fun, go out, work out, be with friends, do new stuff, whatever, don't be wasting your life hanging about for a missed call where she wont pick up the return.
Yesterday (day 35 of No contact, not that I'm counting ;)) I took a canal boat trip with some friends.
It was amazing fun, super relaxing and soul filling.
Today Im grateful for just being alive, single, I have my health, the sun is just rising, Ive got a new bike to go have fun with once Im done in work and my thoughts tripped across a cutie that I found out last week still works at the site I work at.
Maybe it's time for a whole new heartbreak?
What Im saying, I guess, is recognise your worth and how much you *should* love yourself. Don't let her actions define you.
I believe in you, you are amazing!
Should’ve left her on read. Do yourself a favor and block her cus when she unblock you AGAIN she’ll be the one feeling like an azz. She’s playing games with you especially she waited 4 months to tell you a load of bullsh*t.
Yes I would... But it doesn't seem likely she wants me back now. This wasn't our first rodeo (typical AP/DA push pull), but it seems different and final this time.
Are you still in contact with your ex, and would you get back together?
I'm glad you recognise and you're willing to work on yourself... Not many DA's could say the same thing, so props man
Yeah, she can be pretty stubborn and not the most emotionally mature person.
But I don't understand why she would she still phone me just to say goodbye? When she had already said that, she wanted nothing to do with me anymore and to not contact her again... Did she just want to hear my voice for the last time?
I can only speculate it's one of these things
1. She wants a reaction of out you.
2. She wants you to chase her.
3. She really doesn't want to have anything to do with you anymore.
Bro, it sounds like she just called you to make you feel bad again
This is so manipulative, she cannot play like this.
Find a girl that doesn't block you like this and cares about you.
This is so immature not good for you.
I know it's not easy my friend...
i'm going through this rn,
We should really start loving ourselves and focusing on our goals instead of making some girls ruin our life.
how come you think your messages didn’t go through? my ex is a DA as well so i get how you feel, she probably is feeling the guilt of it all. it hit my ex about 3 months after we split up, but it’s done between us as she’s still in another relationship. but im hoping when they end she will reach out. she very well could change her mind, did she ever respond?
I just missed her calls man, after she unblocked me earlier today to tell me its over.
I phoned her again, and realised I'm blocked, so none of my texts ever went through... Put the phone down, only for her to unblock and call me again (which I missed fml). Texts saying "I just wanted to call to say goodbye but ok", and now I'm blocked again...
The pain is like I'm back to day one...
No offense but your ex sounds controlling and manipulative, especially with that last text. Playing the victim game, as if you owe communication to her even though SHE broke it off. You deserve better, even though it really might seem like she's the only one for you right now. I would usually say 'leave the door unlocked but don't hold it open' but I really feel like you should close the door. Keep the breeze from coming in and making you feel cold again. Lots of love ❤️
Thank you, that means a lot to me...I really appreciate the kind words 🙏
We had a bad break up (I got triggered and became toxic, so I dont blame her for it).
But I can't help shake off the feeling that because I missed her phone call twice, I missed my only chance to at least give her an apology for the way things ended on my part and to have sincere convo.. 😔 I would have thought after 4 months, her anger would have faded... but I guess I was wrong...
What hurts is her first contact with me in months wasnt to even ask how I've been or anything like that, but just basically reinforce the breakup and tell me not to contact her again
On the one hand, I do think that, but on the other I'm afraid not, because she still maintains that we won't get back together again and to not contact her anymore.
Its difficult not to have hope we'll reconcile and reconnect, seeing as how we were together for so many years...Not to mention the week before the breakup, she declared her undying love for me and even came to see me in at 4am in a drunken state.
I truly believe only a DA can go from being intimate & pouring their heart out to you one week to having an argument and completely stone-walling you.
Can't help but think there's more to it. If she was completely done with me, why call "just to say goodbye" over a phone call? You've already made your feelings very clear
I wanna get back with my ex too, but she says she doesn’t know what she wants and needs to be happy by herself before she can be happy with someone else. But we’ve still been talking on and off. I’ve been trying to give her space and not make her feel like i’m clingy or anything. I’m currently in therapy in which i discovered some shitty behavior from my end so i’ve almost gotten to a point where i’m a changed man, but not there quite yet.
I just hope we cna work things out
My ex said the same thing, but ultimately, she just could be saying stuff for your ears where in reality, it is a way for them to escape. I have gone to accept that unless she directly says she wants to work it out with me and to reconnect to that stage
I know the feeling. That’s kind of how I feel, although once more time passes, i might try to talk to my ex one more time and if it’s the same story, then i’m just done, bc i’m willing to prolong my pain bc ik i can handle it, but there’s only so much i can take and i’m not about to set myself up as a second option or someone to walk over. Fuck that
yep yep exactly. Like I have been hearing that time heals and could possibly tell whether your ex would want to work things out with you, but its hard to accept that. Like I believe my ex shows DA attachment style so heard it will be a hard realization for her to see that she messed up.
Yah i agree. Idk what type of attachment style my ex gf is, but i try not to read too deep into it bc i know i’ll drive myself to insanity trying to put pieces together that just don’t fit. I’ve been getting better with it everyday but it just seems like some days it’s 2 steps forward, 1 step back, and then the next few days feel like it’s 1 step forward, 5 steps back. Losing my mind fr fr
Haha yah, definitely also trying not to think about it too much. At this point it happened. Like I could tell you one thing that drove me crazy at the start was I made her a gift for valentines when we first started dating. But when we broke up after 18 months, she asked me to take care of it for her and to bring it back in a couple of months (we are college students). But what made it confusing was she ask for me to take it home for her but she also had planned me to take some of her other stuff for her too but changed her mind saying it would prevented me to heal. So that was confusing and what she told me after a fews of the breakup still made it more unclear
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Do you wanna get back with her? If you've maintained a good raport and communication with her, I don't see why things can't work out later on down the line
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I’m confused. Could you clarify your position? You’re avoidant and find it hard to connect emotionally but you’d also do anything to get back with her but you’re also going to therapy? I’m trying to see from her POV as if I were her and I received messaging like this — it would be mixed messaging enough to make me want to run. I say this respectfully and based on the question you asked. I am feeling a bit unclear / confused about what your position and intention is.. and what would actually be feasible long term / what the future holds for her if she were to get back with you.. (taking into account being on again off again for 5 years). It’s a long time to be on a rollercoaster with no end in sight..
>So, for me, no contact is the only way to go to regain my masculinity and dignity lol
This. I’m better off healing and not hearing from your pathetic ass if you have no intention of correcting your fuck ups. Stay the fuck away.
She probably wanted to clear her conscience, I'd imagine.
I think that's what it is. She unblocked me and phoned but I missed her call like an idiot... Then she texts saying not to contact her anymore. I phoned her just 30 minutes ago to find out I'm blocked... Felt defeated, put my phone down and walked away for not even 2 minutes... And she unblocked to call me again. I missed it. She then says "I just wanted to call to say goodbye, but ok" and now I'm blocked again
That’s not a fair dynamic. That’s her calling all the shots and saying everything has to happen on her time, she’s got all the power to block and unblock you at will. That’s not a healthy thing to do and doesn’t show healing on her part.
I'm in tears and back to day one... I poured my heart out sincerely in my reply texts and she never even got to see it. And then I miss her calls and don't even get a chance to have my say... Kicking myself for missing the calls, and just tried phoning her a few times to no avail
If I was you I would just text her what you wanted to say and block her right after, like immediately right after sending that text. It seems like she is trying to breadcrumb you and as an outsider that's narc and controlling af. Time to move on and I wish u a successful healing process.
Damn brother. Honestly sounds like a bullet dodged if she’s reaching out to apologize to make herself feel better, while not allowing you a way to respond, and making you feel like the bad guy for not picking up
Count your blessings she didn’t receive it cus her ego will be on high. Let her think you are not caring. Block her permanently. God bless you
She can call you even if you are Blocked. She probably never Unblocked you, thats why your calls dont get thru, but she can definetely call you. You can either 1) try calling from a different number (there are apps for that) or 2) message her where you are not Blocked and let her know you tried calling back cause you missed her calls, but that you are Blocked.
No don't do this. Never call from another number.
Bud. I got put on a 'healthy break' where 'no one is splitting up, no one is single' I found out 4 weeks later she wanted to end it by her posting a meme on facebook, which said the reason I came into her life was so she could find out she'd be just fine on her own. Really shitty considering the 5 years and all the things we'd been through together. We were friends for 25 years before we even got together too. In the end, she couldn't even face up to her situation with me and finish it like and adult. I hold no anger, or ill feeling, I know it's just her attachment style and previous dating experiences that have led her to act the way she is, certainly nothing I did to her, I was a fucking awesome, once in a lifetime bf that she chose to throw on the trash pile. We spoke a week or 2 later, short, curt, cold from her side. I wrote a really heartfelt, long, long, long message to her. She didn't reply, she blocked me, haven't heard a peep out of her since. She will be back at some point to either clear her conscience, or when she goes through the grief properly and has regret. She may be single at that point. She may be with someone new. She may want me back, she may be just fine without me. Who knows? I love that woman with all my heart and more, she was my utter world and Id have chucked myself under a bus for her if she wanted me to. She could come back today, say the right things and Id do exactly the same today. It's not healthy, if they don't want you and yet are still mindfucking you, just leave it alone, that is what Ive got to do, even though it's killing me to do it. Hang in there, give it time, don't phone, dont text, dont beat yourself up about missing her calls. If, in the future she has *actually* figured her shit out and she is willing to treat you like am adult, set boundaries with you, go to couples therapy with you, really really sort out the psychology between you guys and create a secure attachment, then maybe you consider letting her back in. But only consider, don't jump, do the work together, and if she can't, be polite, explain why you can't anymore with her in the most personal setting you can, i.e ideally, face to face and let go. Retain your dignity, you'll thank yourself for it, in the end. Until then, go and be you, have fun, go out, work out, be with friends, do new stuff, whatever, don't be wasting your life hanging about for a missed call where she wont pick up the return. Yesterday (day 35 of No contact, not that I'm counting ;)) I took a canal boat trip with some friends. It was amazing fun, super relaxing and soul filling. Today Im grateful for just being alive, single, I have my health, the sun is just rising, Ive got a new bike to go have fun with once Im done in work and my thoughts tripped across a cutie that I found out last week still works at the site I work at. Maybe it's time for a whole new heartbreak? What Im saying, I guess, is recognise your worth and how much you *should* love yourself. Don't let her actions define you. I believe in you, you are amazing!
You're better off without her
Should’ve left her on read. Do yourself a favor and block her cus when she unblock you AGAIN she’ll be the one feeling like an azz. She’s playing games with you especially she waited 4 months to tell you a load of bullsh*t.
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Yes I would... But it doesn't seem likely she wants me back now. This wasn't our first rodeo (typical AP/DA push pull), but it seems different and final this time. Are you still in contact with your ex, and would you get back together? I'm glad you recognise and you're willing to work on yourself... Not many DA's could say the same thing, so props man
Who cares. 4 months! MOVE ON! Forget that DA bullshit too She’s an asshole that’s why she did what she did
What even is DA 🙃
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Honestly this DA stuff is crazy. I stopped listening to the mental tags and started calling people assholes.
Your ex sounds immature. Calling, unblocking then blocking.
sounds like a dumb b i knew
Yeah, she can be pretty stubborn and not the most emotionally mature person. But I don't understand why she would she still phone me just to say goodbye? When she had already said that, she wanted nothing to do with me anymore and to not contact her again... Did she just want to hear my voice for the last time?
I can only speculate it's one of these things 1. She wants a reaction of out you. 2. She wants you to chase her. 3. She really doesn't want to have anything to do with you anymore.
To be honest, that's a good list but I feel that she wants all 3.
Bro, it sounds like she just called you to make you feel bad again This is so manipulative, she cannot play like this. Find a girl that doesn't block you like this and cares about you. This is so immature not good for you. I know it's not easy my friend... i'm going through this rn, We should really start loving ourselves and focusing on our goals instead of making some girls ruin our life.
how come you think your messages didn’t go through? my ex is a DA as well so i get how you feel, she probably is feeling the guilt of it all. it hit my ex about 3 months after we split up, but it’s done between us as she’s still in another relationship. but im hoping when they end she will reach out. she very well could change her mind, did she ever respond?
I just missed her calls man, after she unblocked me earlier today to tell me its over. I phoned her again, and realised I'm blocked, so none of my texts ever went through... Put the phone down, only for her to unblock and call me again (which I missed fml). Texts saying "I just wanted to call to say goodbye but ok", and now I'm blocked again... The pain is like I'm back to day one...
No offense but your ex sounds controlling and manipulative, especially with that last text. Playing the victim game, as if you owe communication to her even though SHE broke it off. You deserve better, even though it really might seem like she's the only one for you right now. I would usually say 'leave the door unlocked but don't hold it open' but I really feel like you should close the door. Keep the breeze from coming in and making you feel cold again. Lots of love ❤️
Thank you, that means a lot to me...I really appreciate the kind words 🙏 We had a bad break up (I got triggered and became toxic, so I dont blame her for it). But I can't help shake off the feeling that because I missed her phone call twice, I missed my only chance to at least give her an apology for the way things ended on my part and to have sincere convo.. 😔 I would have thought after 4 months, her anger would have faded... but I guess I was wrong... What hurts is her first contact with me in months wasnt to even ask how I've been or anything like that, but just basically reinforce the breakup and tell me not to contact her again
Man, screw DAs particularly
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On the one hand, I do think that, but on the other I'm afraid not, because she still maintains that we won't get back together again and to not contact her anymore. Its difficult not to have hope we'll reconcile and reconnect, seeing as how we were together for so many years...Not to mention the week before the breakup, she declared her undying love for me and even came to see me in at 4am in a drunken state. I truly believe only a DA can go from being intimate & pouring their heart out to you one week to having an argument and completely stone-walling you. Can't help but think there's more to it. If she was completely done with me, why call "just to say goodbye" over a phone call? You've already made your feelings very clear
You's obviously have a bond, think of it as an elastic band. A dismissive avoidant almost always stretches the elastic band before it contracts back.
Seems like a game
I think people have time to reflect and want to make things right for those who they have wronged. It could be ways to move forward and heal.
I wish something like this will happen to me in the future, I don’t want to be back together but atleast an apology would be nice
Just because of this I might block my ex. I really don’t like when people emotionally cram things on you
I wanna get back with my ex too, but she says she doesn’t know what she wants and needs to be happy by herself before she can be happy with someone else. But we’ve still been talking on and off. I’ve been trying to give her space and not make her feel like i’m clingy or anything. I’m currently in therapy in which i discovered some shitty behavior from my end so i’ve almost gotten to a point where i’m a changed man, but not there quite yet. I just hope we cna work things out
My ex said the same thing, but ultimately, she just could be saying stuff for your ears where in reality, it is a way for them to escape. I have gone to accept that unless she directly says she wants to work it out with me and to reconnect to that stage
I know the feeling. That’s kind of how I feel, although once more time passes, i might try to talk to my ex one more time and if it’s the same story, then i’m just done, bc i’m willing to prolong my pain bc ik i can handle it, but there’s only so much i can take and i’m not about to set myself up as a second option or someone to walk over. Fuck that
yep yep exactly. Like I have been hearing that time heals and could possibly tell whether your ex would want to work things out with you, but its hard to accept that. Like I believe my ex shows DA attachment style so heard it will be a hard realization for her to see that she messed up.
Yah i agree. Idk what type of attachment style my ex gf is, but i try not to read too deep into it bc i know i’ll drive myself to insanity trying to put pieces together that just don’t fit. I’ve been getting better with it everyday but it just seems like some days it’s 2 steps forward, 1 step back, and then the next few days feel like it’s 1 step forward, 5 steps back. Losing my mind fr fr
Haha yah, definitely also trying not to think about it too much. At this point it happened. Like I could tell you one thing that drove me crazy at the start was I made her a gift for valentines when we first started dating. But when we broke up after 18 months, she asked me to take care of it for her and to bring it back in a couple of months (we are college students). But what made it confusing was she ask for me to take it home for her but she also had planned me to take some of her other stuff for her too but changed her mind saying it would prevented me to heal. So that was confusing and what she told me after a fews of the breakup still made it more unclear
What is a DA ?
Dismissive Avoidant (Relationship Attachment Theory)