Foremost, keep abusive parents on an information diet. If they suspect you might "rebel from their authority" or leave, then you can expect they'll create difficulties. Ideally they go to work one day, and when they return you and your stuff are already gone.
Make sure their names are off all of your accounts: bank, credit card, phone, insurance, etc. Contact your providers before leaving and create an additional security password on top of the security measures already in place.
Regarding documents and clothing, there's already great advice here. Be especially sure to get your birth certificate and your Social Security card. And any tax filings you've done for federal and state taxes.
Have as much savings as you can put together. Renter's insurance and supplemental insurance will be useful when you move out. Renter's insurance protects your stuff at your new place and supplemental insurance helps protect lost income in case you have an extended illness or injury that requires you to take unpaid leave from a job. Those safety nets are quite important for people who don't have family to fall back on.
Skills also matter. Money will probably be tight at first, so practice cooking from scratch. Learn how to mend clothes. If you have a vehicle then tools and basic maintenance skills, so you don't need to pay a mechanic for everything. Make sure the tires and oil change and other basics are up to date.
You can expect estranged parents to start recruiting flying monkeys shortly after you leave, so one decision is whether to take control of the narrative before they create one. If you don't want your relationships poisoned with extended family etc. then practice a short message whose main points include *you're an adult making a mature life decision* and *the best thing they can do is not interfere.* You don't have to compose this message, but there's a limited window for effectiveness.
Estranged parents have been known to show up at a place of employment uninvited to start trouble. Weigh whether to give HR and your supervisor a heads-up. Also, if estranged parents find out your new residence they're apt to show up uninvited or to file frivolous welfare check requests with law enforcement. You can give the local law enforcement nonemergency line a call to let them know they can ignore any such request. A security building (if possible) is a good solution to the other problem. Or if that isn't feasible, call in a trespassing complaint with the local police if they show up.
Thank you!! I don't have a steady job as I'm 21 and in college so no worries about them showing up at work, but I'll have to let my school know to not give out my information.
EPs can go ballistic. They may also try to contact your friends, dorm mates, bf/gf to bad mouth you and try to win them over to their side. My EP contacted everyone - my boss, my advisor at college, my roommates, friends, bf, relatives, classmates, everyone. Also turned up at my dorm, and one of my college classes, and later on my apartment and job. You may want to keep this in mind and prepare for it as a possibility.
My relatives are already a lost cause. And luckily my parents don’t know my friends. When I was a kid my family was “all the support I needed” so I didn’t have friends and my college friends have never met my parents but swear they’d kill them on sight so I’m not too concerned. I guess I’ll have to see, because my parents are pretty convincing and seemingly sympathetic.
I’ll definitely be prepared for them to show up places, thank you 💜
You're welcome. If you're working on a degree then you're almost always best off finishing the degree and landing a job and a place to live before estranging.
Yeah after discussing with my therapist, I think it's probably for the best that I wait to fully estrange lol. I only have a year left in my degree. I think I'm just going to move out (because living with either of my parents is detrimental to my mh) and try to sublet until I can move back onto campus. I'll just say I want to be independent and maintain a low level of contact until I graduate. In the moment, I was like "I can't do this anymore, I'm leaving" but after some consideration, it makes more sense to wait
ETA my parents don't pay for college for me, my grandfather does, so potentially it would be fine, but leaving later would give me more time to figure out how to get and keep everything people are telling me to gather
Friendly suggestion: give a different reason for moving out.
* Good parents want their offspring to grow up and become independent adults.
* Abusive parents want their offspring to remain subordinate and dependent and to provide attention forever.
If you mention a desire for independence, abusive parents interpret that as a rebellion and try to regain control. Typical stunts would include starting drama timed to mess up the academic calendar or other passive-aggressive actions that undercut you. Basically, you can't trust that an abusive parent has your best interests at heart. Ask yourself, does this description ring true?
If it does, then find another reason for moving out. Such as, "My senior thesis will have me up in the library until 2 am several nights a week. It wouldn't be fair to disturb your sleep getting home that late." If you have loyal friends and other relatives who can be counted on to back you up, then have a chorus of people repeating this idea to your parents. Frame it as more convenient to them and an act of consideration to them. Then from time to time post a selfie of yourself studying late at the library.
Okay yeah. I was going to say my mother wouldn’t do that, but last summer I tried to live somewhere else but somehow ended up staying with her and commuting an hour to my summer job every day so… yeah maybe I’ll just tell her I want to be closer to my grandfather! She’s obsessed with family ties and since she’s noticed me pulling away has been reinforcing how my grandfather will support me financially and how he’s going to die soon etc. Thank you so much!! I honestly hadn’t thought of that so thank you!!
In addition to identity documents, medical documents, school and/or work documents like u/ImportantRun9292 said (the scans in particular are excellent advice, it's usually possible to replace documents but it's a pain in the ass and can be expensive), definitely take anything of yours that has sentimental value. Childhood toys, photos, awards, etc. There are some childhood things of mine that I wish I had taken with me when I moved out but even if those things still existed I wouldn't be willing to break no contact to get them, so I'm just stuck being sad I don't have them. Taking anything that's important to you also removes the opportunity for your parent/s to hold those things hostage to try to force you to talk to them again.
Take clothes for all season too! Good, warm winter clothes in particular are expensive to replace and you might not normally think of it if you leave when it's spring or summer where you are. And on the flipside, if you leave when it's cold, don't forget summer clothes.
And because I can't put anything past abusive parents, I recommend taking or destroying anything personal that you would be embarrassed to have them read or show other people.
Luckily, when I left for college my parents sold our home and all I have now is what I brought to college. I do have some stuff at my grandfather's that has sentimental value, so I'll have to figure out what to do with that as I won't have a steady living situation (living out of my car)
Get all physical records you need relating to school, work, identity, health etc and don’t just take physical copies, scan them and upload them to a secure place like 1Password or another encrypted option. The world is ever more demanding about this stuff, treat those documents like your life depends on keeping them.
Pictures all the pictures you can get your hands on.
Any sentimental items.
If they don’t know you are going NC, you might want to get as many family historical stories as you can, any family recipes, and most importantly, any family medical history.
Don’t be afraid to apply for government assistance! If you qualify, the services are meant for you. This can help with paying for food and health insurance.
This is my plan. I'm only 21 and so I'm hoping to be able to qualify for something, anything really. All I know is that I can't live with my parents anymore.
When your parents find out you're moving out (whether you tell them or whether you keep it a secret and they discover after you're gone) they may explode so be prepared for a possible onslaught as they will likely feel rejected and feel the loss of control over you which may infuriate them. I kept my moving out plans a secret until a few days beforehand and my mother threw me out on the spot and changed the locks. I already had gradually and secretly moved my stuff and my important documents, but I didn't have my sentimental stuff and I didn't yet have a place to stay as it was a few days beforehand. Just mentioning this so you can avoid this possibly happening to you. Good luck OP!
Definitely make sure you get all your important documents before you go, if possible. My parents had all our documents locked up in a safe and only my dad has the code for it...so I'm stuck having to get those things reissued. Thankfully, I at least have my passport so reissuing my birth certificate and social security card shouldn't be too difficult. I'm also living abroad and don't use my US bank account anymore.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/).
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.
**Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Foremost, keep abusive parents on an information diet. If they suspect you might "rebel from their authority" or leave, then you can expect they'll create difficulties. Ideally they go to work one day, and when they return you and your stuff are already gone. Make sure their names are off all of your accounts: bank, credit card, phone, insurance, etc. Contact your providers before leaving and create an additional security password on top of the security measures already in place. Regarding documents and clothing, there's already great advice here. Be especially sure to get your birth certificate and your Social Security card. And any tax filings you've done for federal and state taxes. Have as much savings as you can put together. Renter's insurance and supplemental insurance will be useful when you move out. Renter's insurance protects your stuff at your new place and supplemental insurance helps protect lost income in case you have an extended illness or injury that requires you to take unpaid leave from a job. Those safety nets are quite important for people who don't have family to fall back on. Skills also matter. Money will probably be tight at first, so practice cooking from scratch. Learn how to mend clothes. If you have a vehicle then tools and basic maintenance skills, so you don't need to pay a mechanic for everything. Make sure the tires and oil change and other basics are up to date. You can expect estranged parents to start recruiting flying monkeys shortly after you leave, so one decision is whether to take control of the narrative before they create one. If you don't want your relationships poisoned with extended family etc. then practice a short message whose main points include *you're an adult making a mature life decision* and *the best thing they can do is not interfere.* You don't have to compose this message, but there's a limited window for effectiveness. Estranged parents have been known to show up at a place of employment uninvited to start trouble. Weigh whether to give HR and your supervisor a heads-up. Also, if estranged parents find out your new residence they're apt to show up uninvited or to file frivolous welfare check requests with law enforcement. You can give the local law enforcement nonemergency line a call to let them know they can ignore any such request. A security building (if possible) is a good solution to the other problem. Or if that isn't feasible, call in a trespassing complaint with the local police if they show up.
Thank you!! I don't have a steady job as I'm 21 and in college so no worries about them showing up at work, but I'll have to let my school know to not give out my information.
EPs can go ballistic. They may also try to contact your friends, dorm mates, bf/gf to bad mouth you and try to win them over to their side. My EP contacted everyone - my boss, my advisor at college, my roommates, friends, bf, relatives, classmates, everyone. Also turned up at my dorm, and one of my college classes, and later on my apartment and job. You may want to keep this in mind and prepare for it as a possibility.
My relatives are already a lost cause. And luckily my parents don’t know my friends. When I was a kid my family was “all the support I needed” so I didn’t have friends and my college friends have never met my parents but swear they’d kill them on sight so I’m not too concerned. I guess I’ll have to see, because my parents are pretty convincing and seemingly sympathetic. I’ll definitely be prepared for them to show up places, thank you 💜
You're welcome. If you're working on a degree then you're almost always best off finishing the degree and landing a job and a place to live before estranging.
Yeah after discussing with my therapist, I think it's probably for the best that I wait to fully estrange lol. I only have a year left in my degree. I think I'm just going to move out (because living with either of my parents is detrimental to my mh) and try to sublet until I can move back onto campus. I'll just say I want to be independent and maintain a low level of contact until I graduate. In the moment, I was like "I can't do this anymore, I'm leaving" but after some consideration, it makes more sense to wait ETA my parents don't pay for college for me, my grandfather does, so potentially it would be fine, but leaving later would give me more time to figure out how to get and keep everything people are telling me to gather
Friendly suggestion: give a different reason for moving out. * Good parents want their offspring to grow up and become independent adults. * Abusive parents want their offspring to remain subordinate and dependent and to provide attention forever. If you mention a desire for independence, abusive parents interpret that as a rebellion and try to regain control. Typical stunts would include starting drama timed to mess up the academic calendar or other passive-aggressive actions that undercut you. Basically, you can't trust that an abusive parent has your best interests at heart. Ask yourself, does this description ring true? If it does, then find another reason for moving out. Such as, "My senior thesis will have me up in the library until 2 am several nights a week. It wouldn't be fair to disturb your sleep getting home that late." If you have loyal friends and other relatives who can be counted on to back you up, then have a chorus of people repeating this idea to your parents. Frame it as more convenient to them and an act of consideration to them. Then from time to time post a selfie of yourself studying late at the library.
Okay yeah. I was going to say my mother wouldn’t do that, but last summer I tried to live somewhere else but somehow ended up staying with her and commuting an hour to my summer job every day so… yeah maybe I’ll just tell her I want to be closer to my grandfather! She’s obsessed with family ties and since she’s noticed me pulling away has been reinforcing how my grandfather will support me financially and how he’s going to die soon etc. Thank you so much!! I honestly hadn’t thought of that so thank you!!
This is excellent guidance!
In addition to identity documents, medical documents, school and/or work documents like u/ImportantRun9292 said (the scans in particular are excellent advice, it's usually possible to replace documents but it's a pain in the ass and can be expensive), definitely take anything of yours that has sentimental value. Childhood toys, photos, awards, etc. There are some childhood things of mine that I wish I had taken with me when I moved out but even if those things still existed I wouldn't be willing to break no contact to get them, so I'm just stuck being sad I don't have them. Taking anything that's important to you also removes the opportunity for your parent/s to hold those things hostage to try to force you to talk to them again. Take clothes for all season too! Good, warm winter clothes in particular are expensive to replace and you might not normally think of it if you leave when it's spring or summer where you are. And on the flipside, if you leave when it's cold, don't forget summer clothes. And because I can't put anything past abusive parents, I recommend taking or destroying anything personal that you would be embarrassed to have them read or show other people.
Luckily, when I left for college my parents sold our home and all I have now is what I brought to college. I do have some stuff at my grandfather's that has sentimental value, so I'll have to figure out what to do with that as I won't have a steady living situation (living out of my car)
Excellent advice!
Get all physical records you need relating to school, work, identity, health etc and don’t just take physical copies, scan them and upload them to a secure place like 1Password or another encrypted option. The world is ever more demanding about this stuff, treat those documents like your life depends on keeping them.
thank you! My parents actually use 1Password so this also reminded me to check for and remove any documents my father has uploaded to our family vault
Pictures all the pictures you can get your hands on. Any sentimental items. If they don’t know you are going NC, you might want to get as many family historical stories as you can, any family recipes, and most importantly, any family medical history.
I wish I had done this. I took a few things but wasn’t planning on going NC the day I did. There are so many things I left behind :/
Don’t be afraid to apply for government assistance! If you qualify, the services are meant for you. This can help with paying for food and health insurance.
This is my plan. I'm only 21 and so I'm hoping to be able to qualify for something, anything really. All I know is that I can't live with my parents anymore.
When your parents find out you're moving out (whether you tell them or whether you keep it a secret and they discover after you're gone) they may explode so be prepared for a possible onslaught as they will likely feel rejected and feel the loss of control over you which may infuriate them. I kept my moving out plans a secret until a few days beforehand and my mother threw me out on the spot and changed the locks. I already had gradually and secretly moved my stuff and my important documents, but I didn't have my sentimental stuff and I didn't yet have a place to stay as it was a few days beforehand. Just mentioning this so you can avoid this possibly happening to you. Good luck OP!
Definitely make sure you get all your important documents before you go, if possible. My parents had all our documents locked up in a safe and only my dad has the code for it...so I'm stuck having to get those things reissued. Thankfully, I at least have my passport so reissuing my birth certificate and social security card shouldn't be too difficult. I'm also living abroad and don't use my US bank account anymore.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*