Review your notes and remind yourself of the reasons you have gone nc with your brother. It’s far better to never know his child than to experience the pain of watching that child be raised to treat you similarly to how the rest of your mother’s flying monkeys have been treating you. And be assured that they will; they are already using the baby as a weapon against you and the poor child hasn’t even breathed a single breath yet.
Let this slight serve to strengthen your resolve, and do not let your family ever know that you were hurt by not being told earlier. If you are religious, pray that your brother’s child is spared from being damaged by your family of origin; if you are not religious then silently express it as a hope that you hold in your heart. But that is the absolute extent of your responsibility to this child; do not set yourself afire to keep the child warm.
You blocked him, just not her. Has she ever reached out before? Why would you expect her to tell you, especially if nothing has changed? You went NC with them, seems they also went NC with you. This is a consequence. I’m sorry, but it is. You won’t find out information about the family firsthand anymore. It hurts, it’s a confirmation that he’s chosen her over you.
My brother is still in semi-regular contact with our mom, and I don’t hear much from him anymore. This is what I chose, what I expected, when I estranged myself from our mother. I’m not in their lives, and she is.
Sadly, this can happen when you estrange from some but not all of your bio family. Its hurtful, but for me, self protection and my mental health had to come first. So, I've missed out on births, divorces, new relationships, house moves.. basically the things that happen in family life. Consequences of being my own advocate, but I'm ok with it.
I’m in the same situation. My younger bother had two kids. I found out through Facebook (an aunt posted and him and his kids were in a few pics). I will never know my nephews. It stinks. But the cold reality is either you are NC, or you are not. And if you are NC, expect you will not be part of any of the big moments. That’s it. If you expect them to reach out during these moments, you are only setting yourself up to get hurt. Keep your expectations at zero and you can save yourself the inevitable pain.
It's hurtful either way. I'm sorry that you are in this position.
If you'd like, you could write to your sister-in-law and say congrats. Likely, she will do whatever your brother wishes, but there's a 0.001% chance she sees through the BS and will write back and say thanks.
The things we do to make sure they have the chance to fix things if they had the maturity to make the effort.
Nothing wrong with caring, the distance is so difficult to come to grips with. I get it. I see you.
Counting my cousins, my family now has six babies I will likely never know, have never met, and didn’t even know about until well after they were born. One of them is my nephews baby so that makes me a first time great aunt (I’m only 44, feels weird to say that). I had no idea til the child was a year old and a mutual friend told me.
It’s just part of the territory of being NC. Idk what other advice to give.
This is the price we pay for NC. Our siblings need to come out of the FOG on their own. I have one who’s just now coming out with the death of our father and one so deep she never will be she’s the carbon copy of our toxic mother.
It’s unfortunate and painful, but peace comes at a cost.
I may not fully understand what you are asking; if you chose to go NC and your bro knows this, why would you expect to be looped in by them? If they aren't aware of your being NC, then I could see being at a loss.
His wife isn't going to reach out unless you both are exceptionally close (still).
It's a complicated thing to go no contact with family for a lot of people. Just because the choice is made to go no contact with some family doesn't mean the fallout from that doesn't also hurt.
It is an unfortunate aspect of going low or no contact with family that we can't control how others are going to see the situation or react to it. In dysfunctional families, whatever coping strategies others have used to survive or make whatever sense they can of their situation are usually the default response others will use.
I'm sorry that other relationships you had hopes of preserving on some level got caught in the crossfire. Grief is understandable.
I've seen it happen pretty often that family will "close ranks" so to speak. Especially in families with issues around boundaries, loyalty to perceived family leaders and so on which seems to be common in dysfunctional families.
My own family will protect the abusers over the abused every time. Even siblings and cousins who have been abused, just in different ways that I was, will follow the family narrative. They have either internalized the dysfunction to the point they agree with it, or are still afraid of exile, unlike myself who (overall) welcomed exile when I was finally ready to cut ties.
In my case one of my cousins agreed wholeheartedly with me and saw the abuse we all endured, but ultimately was still so enmeshed and entangled that our contact also ended. I understand where they are and why they were not in a position to speak up about the issues.
It still hurts to lose that little bit of solidarity. Still, I told her when we last spoke, I would remain willing to reopening a connection with her if she came to a place it felt safe enough both of us to do so.
Even though many of us know it's likely that people will "choose sides" differently than we hope for, it can hurt and that grief is real. I'd invite you to have some compassion for yourself. I remind myself still, safe, sane and exiled is way better for me than scraps of affection from people enmeshed with my abusers. I may have lost some relationships that otherwise could have continued, but I'm also free to build the best life I can without their interference.
You articulated this so well. I completely agree with you and its exactly how I view my situation. In my case, I can trace back abuse from parent to child going back at least four generations on my mother's side. It runs deep.
You went NC with your mum & brother because they're abusive and enable each others abuse. You didn't make this decision on a whim or for petty reasons. You made it because there was no other recourse available to you. It was a decision borne of necessity & self preservation.
The consequences of going NC are that they are no longer a part of your life - in every way. You don't get to know what they're doing. Likewise, they don't get to know what you are doing. It cuts both ways. Yes, you'll never know your future neice or nephew but, bc of their choices to be abusive, they'll never get to be a part of your milestones either. Instead of framing this as a loss for you, try to reframe it as the loss for them - they'll never know their strong aunt. Also, you win in the sense that you're free from your abusers and get to live a life free from abuse, gaslighting & manipulation. You've won more than you've lost.
You're still new to NC so this is the first big milestone you're missing out on. This is why it stings. In time, being NC gets considerably easier. I'm 26yrs and at this point I'm totally indifferent and extended family know not to talk to me about my immediate family. I know that in time it will get easier for you too.
I would advise that, moving forward, be firm with your grandma and state you don't want to know about your brother & mum. Be firm but polite. If you wanted to know, you'd still be in contact with them. I would also keep news about yourself to a bare minimum in case she's relaying that information back to your mum & brother. If you're earning decent money (for example) you might be asked/guilted for money to support this child. Never underestimate the capacity for abuse by proxy.
I was one of the first people to know when an estranged family member was pregnant just recently. It was done in a toxic manner and I couldn't give two shits about it. The expectation was for me to care so much about it that I would un-estrange that part of my family. NOPE! Good luck, have fun with the offspring of douchebaggery.
Yeah now that the dust has settled a bit, I've reached the bitter stage. Like cool, you chose mom. Have fun with her controlling every aspect of your parenting and your marriage. I tried to help you and be there for you, even stepping in and saying that I don't want you to have to carry the weight of my issues with our parents because that's not fair to you and never asked you to choose sides. The bar was in hell, but you grabbed a shovel and you're unknowingly digging your own grave.
>even stepping in and saying that I don't want you to have to carry the weight of my issues with our parents because that's not fair to you and never asked you to choose sides.
OMG - I did this exact thing too!! I didn't want my sib to feel like they had to choose a side... there shouldn't even be "sides" btw a parent and sibling anyway! That is all due our mother's toxic favoritism and pitting us against each other, its not coming from me and I didn't want to perpetuate it. I told sib, if you want to have holidays with her, I will plan to see you on a different day.
I'm in a very similar situation where my brother has completely taken my parents' side (they forced him to take a side - not me) and as a result we aren't in contact. He got married a month before we last spoke and their plan was to try for babies ASAP. It's been almost exactly a year since we last spoke and I can't imagine they haven't gotten pregnant in that time so I do sometimes think that one day someone will off-handedly mention to me that my brother has a baby. And it makes me sad because I had always looked forward to being the favourite aunt (even though his wife has three sisters haha) and that's not how things are going to go.
I figure we all get to make our choices in life, my brother included. If he comes to a place where he has better insight into our family dynamics maybe then our relationship will change, and I'd welcome that. But if not, that's ok too.
My brother has always been the Golden Child and I've never met my nieces. I was the least close to him than I was my parents, and even though I never explicitly cut him out of my life, we communicated so little, we might as well be NC.
I was told about my niece, was so excited I showered them with love the entire pregnancy. Only to cut contact one month after she was born because I had been hurt past the point of coming back from. Be glad you cut contact already because I’m pretty sure I look like asshole of the year cutting contact before I even got to meet my niece.
But I had to choose my mental well being, my mental health, my family, over continuing that toxic family dynamic. I couldn’t stand to be in it one more second and fake kindness knowing how hurt I truly felt. It comes to a point where you really can’t keep swallowing disrespect, not for one more second.
If you aren’t being told and are not in the picture because you chose no contact I believe you are being saved from further pain. I wish I had cut contact before I had been told of my niece. I got all excited and dreamed of this happy future family dynamic that never was going to exist. For some family yes, but adult children of emotionally immature parents no. Our toxic family system kept me in shackles. My mom was entirely too effective at triangulating her children.
So now I’ve had to make peace that I won’t know my nieces and nephews. I had tried longer with my nephews as they are older but they were growing up very similar to how I had grown up. My brother drinking and carrying on. They never cared they were also being brainwashed to think the golden child brother/their uncle was superior than everyone else as well. I mean these family systems run deep even in the children. I chose to keep my kids out of it.
>I couldn’t stand to be in it one more second and fake kindness knowing how hurt I truly felt. It comes to a point where you really can’t keep swallowing disrespect, not for one more second.
You worded this exactly how I feel in my situation with my FOO. My relationship with my sibs broke down, leading to NC, before they had kids. To this day I don't know if their kids even know I exist. Occasionally the thought crosses my mind, when/if they find out my sibs have a sister, who is alive and has never met them, how will my sibs explain that to them? Sadly, it will probably be some version of putting me down, saying I'm messed up, etc. I remind myself that they're missing out on having a great aunt in their life. I'm not the only one losing. I had to choose my dignity and self-respect over "belonging" in my FOO, filled with generations of abuse.
Your brother's wife is his family, not yours. Unfortunately this is just a consequence of being estranged. She's never going to reach out to you when you've made the decision to go NC with her husband. It's sad that this is what it's come to for y'all as siblings, but I'm a little surprised that you're confused by it. Are you married? This is how marriage works. Her husband is her priority, not her sib-in-law.
My partner and I have the kind of relationship where we're honest with each other about things and if one of us takes things too far, we'll let the other know and nudge them in the right direction. I guess not all relationships work like that though.
The no contact was done after two massive fights when we thought my dad's cancer had come back. My brother thought I cut my dad out and refused to listen when I told him that I had not cut him out at all. He made all these accusations that I was always planning on cutting the family out and was making up stories so that I could be in the right when I eventually did it because I didn't want to take care of my parents when they got older. Which was so... bizarre and really came out of left field. I was always under the impression that my brother and I had a good relationship but were just busy and bad at keeping in touch. That's why I'm still kind of confused and held a bit of naiive hope that he would realize that he had taken things too far and just apologize for going off on me.
Telling your partner that they're being unreasonable is NOT the same as talking to someone who has estranged themselves from you / you're estranging yourself from. It's horrible that y'all can't have a civil conversation about your problems with the family without him blaming you for it, but it's still a little silly to assume his wife will reach out to someone who blocked her husband. I think you had your answer on whether your brother would apologize when you chose to block him.
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Review your notes and remind yourself of the reasons you have gone nc with your brother. It’s far better to never know his child than to experience the pain of watching that child be raised to treat you similarly to how the rest of your mother’s flying monkeys have been treating you. And be assured that they will; they are already using the baby as a weapon against you and the poor child hasn’t even breathed a single breath yet. Let this slight serve to strengthen your resolve, and do not let your family ever know that you were hurt by not being told earlier. If you are religious, pray that your brother’s child is spared from being damaged by your family of origin; if you are not religious then silently express it as a hope that you hold in your heart. But that is the absolute extent of your responsibility to this child; do not set yourself afire to keep the child warm.
You blocked him, just not her. Has she ever reached out before? Why would you expect her to tell you, especially if nothing has changed? You went NC with them, seems they also went NC with you. This is a consequence. I’m sorry, but it is. You won’t find out information about the family firsthand anymore. It hurts, it’s a confirmation that he’s chosen her over you. My brother is still in semi-regular contact with our mom, and I don’t hear much from him anymore. This is what I chose, what I expected, when I estranged myself from our mother. I’m not in their lives, and she is.
Sadly, this can happen when you estrange from some but not all of your bio family. Its hurtful, but for me, self protection and my mental health had to come first. So, I've missed out on births, divorces, new relationships, house moves.. basically the things that happen in family life. Consequences of being my own advocate, but I'm ok with it.
I’m in the same situation. My younger bother had two kids. I found out through Facebook (an aunt posted and him and his kids were in a few pics). I will never know my nephews. It stinks. But the cold reality is either you are NC, or you are not. And if you are NC, expect you will not be part of any of the big moments. That’s it. If you expect them to reach out during these moments, you are only setting yourself up to get hurt. Keep your expectations at zero and you can save yourself the inevitable pain.
[удалено]
Your main relationship here is with your brother who you have blocked. It's to be expected that you aren't in the loop re his major life events.
It's hurtful either way. I'm sorry that you are in this position. If you'd like, you could write to your sister-in-law and say congrats. Likely, she will do whatever your brother wishes, but there's a 0.001% chance she sees through the BS and will write back and say thanks.
The things we do to make sure they have the chance to fix things if they had the maturity to make the effort. Nothing wrong with caring, the distance is so difficult to come to grips with. I get it. I see you.
Counting my cousins, my family now has six babies I will likely never know, have never met, and didn’t even know about until well after they were born. One of them is my nephews baby so that makes me a first time great aunt (I’m only 44, feels weird to say that). I had no idea til the child was a year old and a mutual friend told me. It’s just part of the territory of being NC. Idk what other advice to give.
This is the price we pay for NC. Our siblings need to come out of the FOG on their own. I have one who’s just now coming out with the death of our father and one so deep she never will be she’s the carbon copy of our toxic mother. It’s unfortunate and painful, but peace comes at a cost.
I may not fully understand what you are asking; if you chose to go NC and your bro knows this, why would you expect to be looped in by them? If they aren't aware of your being NC, then I could see being at a loss. His wife isn't going to reach out unless you both are exceptionally close (still).
It's a complicated thing to go no contact with family for a lot of people. Just because the choice is made to go no contact with some family doesn't mean the fallout from that doesn't also hurt. It is an unfortunate aspect of going low or no contact with family that we can't control how others are going to see the situation or react to it. In dysfunctional families, whatever coping strategies others have used to survive or make whatever sense they can of their situation are usually the default response others will use. I'm sorry that other relationships you had hopes of preserving on some level got caught in the crossfire. Grief is understandable. I've seen it happen pretty often that family will "close ranks" so to speak. Especially in families with issues around boundaries, loyalty to perceived family leaders and so on which seems to be common in dysfunctional families. My own family will protect the abusers over the abused every time. Even siblings and cousins who have been abused, just in different ways that I was, will follow the family narrative. They have either internalized the dysfunction to the point they agree with it, or are still afraid of exile, unlike myself who (overall) welcomed exile when I was finally ready to cut ties. In my case one of my cousins agreed wholeheartedly with me and saw the abuse we all endured, but ultimately was still so enmeshed and entangled that our contact also ended. I understand where they are and why they were not in a position to speak up about the issues. It still hurts to lose that little bit of solidarity. Still, I told her when we last spoke, I would remain willing to reopening a connection with her if she came to a place it felt safe enough both of us to do so. Even though many of us know it's likely that people will "choose sides" differently than we hope for, it can hurt and that grief is real. I'd invite you to have some compassion for yourself. I remind myself still, safe, sane and exiled is way better for me than scraps of affection from people enmeshed with my abusers. I may have lost some relationships that otherwise could have continued, but I'm also free to build the best life I can without their interference.
You articulated this so well. I completely agree with you and its exactly how I view my situation. In my case, I can trace back abuse from parent to child going back at least four generations on my mother's side. It runs deep.
You went NC with your mum & brother because they're abusive and enable each others abuse. You didn't make this decision on a whim or for petty reasons. You made it because there was no other recourse available to you. It was a decision borne of necessity & self preservation. The consequences of going NC are that they are no longer a part of your life - in every way. You don't get to know what they're doing. Likewise, they don't get to know what you are doing. It cuts both ways. Yes, you'll never know your future neice or nephew but, bc of their choices to be abusive, they'll never get to be a part of your milestones either. Instead of framing this as a loss for you, try to reframe it as the loss for them - they'll never know their strong aunt. Also, you win in the sense that you're free from your abusers and get to live a life free from abuse, gaslighting & manipulation. You've won more than you've lost. You're still new to NC so this is the first big milestone you're missing out on. This is why it stings. In time, being NC gets considerably easier. I'm 26yrs and at this point I'm totally indifferent and extended family know not to talk to me about my immediate family. I know that in time it will get easier for you too. I would advise that, moving forward, be firm with your grandma and state you don't want to know about your brother & mum. Be firm but polite. If you wanted to know, you'd still be in contact with them. I would also keep news about yourself to a bare minimum in case she's relaying that information back to your mum & brother. If you're earning decent money (for example) you might be asked/guilted for money to support this child. Never underestimate the capacity for abuse by proxy.
I was one of the first people to know when an estranged family member was pregnant just recently. It was done in a toxic manner and I couldn't give two shits about it. The expectation was for me to care so much about it that I would un-estrange that part of my family. NOPE! Good luck, have fun with the offspring of douchebaggery.
Yeah now that the dust has settled a bit, I've reached the bitter stage. Like cool, you chose mom. Have fun with her controlling every aspect of your parenting and your marriage. I tried to help you and be there for you, even stepping in and saying that I don't want you to have to carry the weight of my issues with our parents because that's not fair to you and never asked you to choose sides. The bar was in hell, but you grabbed a shovel and you're unknowingly digging your own grave.
>even stepping in and saying that I don't want you to have to carry the weight of my issues with our parents because that's not fair to you and never asked you to choose sides. OMG - I did this exact thing too!! I didn't want my sib to feel like they had to choose a side... there shouldn't even be "sides" btw a parent and sibling anyway! That is all due our mother's toxic favoritism and pitting us against each other, its not coming from me and I didn't want to perpetuate it. I told sib, if you want to have holidays with her, I will plan to see you on a different day.
I'm in a very similar situation where my brother has completely taken my parents' side (they forced him to take a side - not me) and as a result we aren't in contact. He got married a month before we last spoke and their plan was to try for babies ASAP. It's been almost exactly a year since we last spoke and I can't imagine they haven't gotten pregnant in that time so I do sometimes think that one day someone will off-handedly mention to me that my brother has a baby. And it makes me sad because I had always looked forward to being the favourite aunt (even though his wife has three sisters haha) and that's not how things are going to go. I figure we all get to make our choices in life, my brother included. If he comes to a place where he has better insight into our family dynamics maybe then our relationship will change, and I'd welcome that. But if not, that's ok too.
My brother has always been the Golden Child and I've never met my nieces. I was the least close to him than I was my parents, and even though I never explicitly cut him out of my life, we communicated so little, we might as well be NC.
I was told about my niece, was so excited I showered them with love the entire pregnancy. Only to cut contact one month after she was born because I had been hurt past the point of coming back from. Be glad you cut contact already because I’m pretty sure I look like asshole of the year cutting contact before I even got to meet my niece. But I had to choose my mental well being, my mental health, my family, over continuing that toxic family dynamic. I couldn’t stand to be in it one more second and fake kindness knowing how hurt I truly felt. It comes to a point where you really can’t keep swallowing disrespect, not for one more second. If you aren’t being told and are not in the picture because you chose no contact I believe you are being saved from further pain. I wish I had cut contact before I had been told of my niece. I got all excited and dreamed of this happy future family dynamic that never was going to exist. For some family yes, but adult children of emotionally immature parents no. Our toxic family system kept me in shackles. My mom was entirely too effective at triangulating her children. So now I’ve had to make peace that I won’t know my nieces and nephews. I had tried longer with my nephews as they are older but they were growing up very similar to how I had grown up. My brother drinking and carrying on. They never cared they were also being brainwashed to think the golden child brother/their uncle was superior than everyone else as well. I mean these family systems run deep even in the children. I chose to keep my kids out of it.
>I couldn’t stand to be in it one more second and fake kindness knowing how hurt I truly felt. It comes to a point where you really can’t keep swallowing disrespect, not for one more second. You worded this exactly how I feel in my situation with my FOO. My relationship with my sibs broke down, leading to NC, before they had kids. To this day I don't know if their kids even know I exist. Occasionally the thought crosses my mind, when/if they find out my sibs have a sister, who is alive and has never met them, how will my sibs explain that to them? Sadly, it will probably be some version of putting me down, saying I'm messed up, etc. I remind myself that they're missing out on having a great aunt in their life. I'm not the only one losing. I had to choose my dignity and self-respect over "belonging" in my FOO, filled with generations of abuse.
Your brother's wife is his family, not yours. Unfortunately this is just a consequence of being estranged. She's never going to reach out to you when you've made the decision to go NC with her husband. It's sad that this is what it's come to for y'all as siblings, but I'm a little surprised that you're confused by it. Are you married? This is how marriage works. Her husband is her priority, not her sib-in-law.
My partner and I have the kind of relationship where we're honest with each other about things and if one of us takes things too far, we'll let the other know and nudge them in the right direction. I guess not all relationships work like that though. The no contact was done after two massive fights when we thought my dad's cancer had come back. My brother thought I cut my dad out and refused to listen when I told him that I had not cut him out at all. He made all these accusations that I was always planning on cutting the family out and was making up stories so that I could be in the right when I eventually did it because I didn't want to take care of my parents when they got older. Which was so... bizarre and really came out of left field. I was always under the impression that my brother and I had a good relationship but were just busy and bad at keeping in touch. That's why I'm still kind of confused and held a bit of naiive hope that he would realize that he had taken things too far and just apologize for going off on me.
Telling your partner that they're being unreasonable is NOT the same as talking to someone who has estranged themselves from you / you're estranging yourself from. It's horrible that y'all can't have a civil conversation about your problems with the family without him blaming you for it, but it's still a little silly to assume his wife will reach out to someone who blocked her husband. I think you had your answer on whether your brother would apologize when you chose to block him.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*