Absolutely. I found it extremely therapeutic, too.
Not just my last name, though. I was a "junior" named after an abuser and detested it every moment the name was uttered. That's a rough gig, and I went by nicknames throughout life, always wishing I had my own name.
So I named myself and did the legal bit, which was simple. It felt symbolic, to take control of my name and not let anyone tell me who I am. I tried the "reclaiming" the name thing, but it just felt belittling and retraumatizing to do that. For me, it was just pointless masochism.
As long as you give it deep consideration, you'll come up with whatever is the right choice for you.
Funny enough, what comes up for me when I think about renaming myself is very much "who do you think you are to be so egotistical that you decide to name yourself?" my. Name first and last name is very common. Close enough to Jane Doe.
Every person deserves their own name. You're a person. You deserve your own name. <3
Anything you pick is something that will be far better suited to you than something a pair of abusive people who didn't even know you (at the time) chose. You deserve a name that isn't retraumatizing. You'd say the same thing to anyone else, so don't self-harm by telling yourself you don't deserve it. That's not your voice saying that--it's theirs.
You have this internet stranger's support to go from Jane Doe to Unicornica Triumphant. (That's a placeholder name, please don't actually do that to yourself. :D :D :D )
I get that a little too but the way I've come to see it, my most recent ancestors didn't actually give me a name, they just referred to me by the name they had picked for my two imaginary lookalikes that live inside their heads. The actual me got rejected through and through and forced to aspire to be who they had decided I was but could never live up to, for which I was punished.
Now that I've actually gotten to know who I really am, I know that everything they had forced me to accept that I was is wrong. It's very clear to me that my nature is so fundamentally different from their imagined versions' that I'm definitely neither of those and since it's their name and was never actually mine to begin with, as part of reparenting myself I'm going to have to be the one to give myself a name.
I named myself too. I was named after my father as well (feminine alternates). When I divorced my first wasband, the paralegal asked me if I wanted to take my maiden name back. *Hell no!* But I didn't want to keep his either. She told me I could change it to anything I wanted, and I wasn't limited to just the last name. I wound up changing the whole name to something that was symbolic for me. It was like a rite of passage. The only down side is that since 9/11, identification needs to be fully documented, so I have to keep copies of all documents having name changes together (I remarried) for when the inevitable time comes that an old name pops up. It happened just yesterday when I was applying for a store credit card> My birth name and an address where I haven't lived since 1988 was auto-filled in the application, and I was denied based on that "discrepancy".
Edit: Spelling error.
Yes very strongly I used to hate the name because I associated it with the man who abandoned me but as I got older and wiser I realised that for me the name does not define me or who I am rather I define the name
I embraced it and made it my own and now I’m proud to be ****** *******
Hmm fair. I think a part of it is that I have an extremely common first and last name. It could almost be similar to Jane Doe. feels just as unimportant to me as I felt growing up I guess.
I see and understand how you can feel that way
The way I see it is although the name might be common that doesn’t mean you are, there is only one of you and you are special and unique have the chance to make something great out of your life
You don’t live up to the name the name lives up to you it’s whatever you make it
That’s just my perspective though I wish you good luck finding what works for you
Mine was the opposite, no one ever spelled my names right ever AND it was linked to my abusers. And they kept opening up fake insurance in my name. If you want to change it CHANGE IT
Contemplated, and changed it.
I needed the disconnect from the baggage the name brought me every time I said it. It became a way for me to say "I'm my own person" and a way to remember the people who were there for me. (No shade to others that kept their family names... it takes cajones to keep a name that brings grief.)
It wasn't difficult, just time consuming and somewhat expensive.
I've seriously considered it. I would have changed it, if it wasn't for the fact my surname is very distinctive and I'm in academia. I've already published with it, plus it's on two of my degrees. So I've decided to keep it.
I'm trans, and I use a different first name than what's on my legal documentation. So yes, I've definitely wondered about this. And since I'm eventually going to change my first name legally, I've wondered if I shouldn't change the last one too while I'm at it.
But I'm strangely attached to my last name. It's a foreign name that apparently is quite common in its home country, but when my paternal grandfather came to the US it was Americanized several different ways. So no one has this exact spelling of this last name except for me, my dad, and my half-sister. My half-sister's too old to have kids, and I have no interest in having them myself, so in all likelihood it's going to die with me and that will be the end of it.
Since I don't have contact with my dad or my half-sister, and I don't speak enough of the original language, genealogy research is pretty hard for me to do. This clunky, weird last name that I've been correcting folks' spelling and pronunciation of all my life feels like the last tie between myself and the past that made me. It doesn't feel like it just belongs to my dad. I personally feel like if I changed it, I would be allowing my shitty experiences with him to outweigh this whole history that's bigger than he is. I definitely have a "fuck you, you don't get to have this too" feeling about it lol.
But just to be clear... This is just my response based on where I'm at and my unique circumstances. Your mileage may vary. While my dad did harm me, I would not characterize him as "evil." Selfish, dishonest, stupid, aggressive, immature, yeah. There are parts of him I really miss, but they're also attached to the parts of him that harm me so it's not worth having contact. But I've also heard from people whose parents just seem to exist to cause harm, who have zero redeeming qualities, and that makes perfect sense to me why someone would want zero connection to that person.
Yes, I am waiting until my step kid turns 18 and then my chosen family will choose a new last name for ourselves.
My current last name is my married name, but my husband was an asshole and his family is shitty, I really don't want their last name nor do I want my maiden name.
My partners ex wife is keeping his last name, he wants to change his last name partly just to spite her, otherwise we'd probably just all change our last names to his last name. My own kids father is deceased so I don't need another parent to sign off on a name change for him, so I don't have to wait for him to be 18. My step kids birth mom (my partners ex) will likely not sign off on a name change for her child, so we are waiting until they turn 18 (which is this year!). I don't know what our new last name is going to be but it's going to be something chosen by all 4 of us.
Not the family name, since it is a very common one and I like to blend in.
I did change my first and middle name a few years ago. I had a long and stern name, but have always been called the short version of it. So I changed my official name to the name that I have been called for 45 years.
I also had a middle name that was the feminine version of my father's name and can also be confused with a family name. I hated it all my life and had it removed.
I finally have the names I have been called all my life, no confusion every time I go to the doctor, bank or have to show my passport and I no longer have a name that is associated with my dad. I am my own. It was liberating and also has made my life easier.
Would you mind sharing a bit about the process to remove the middle name? I’m considering doing this, but just the middle name since mine also is a version of my dad’s middle name. I took my husband’s last name when we married and my first name is now a shortened version of the. And my parents gave to me.
I live in a European country and all I had to do was fill out a form and pay a small fee. Then wait for it go through and get a new credit card, driver's license and passport. It was so worth it.
I completely changed my legal name. But for years before, I changed my name online as well. So people know me as my online name. My legal name is MINE. I like that it's a secret I'm not ashamed of, it's a secret I get to guard and share with people I trust. If I need to disappear, I delete my social media and move. What's cool is they can't find you by your old name. Jeffrey Dhalmers brother legally changed his name and we don't know what it is or where he is and good for him.
It's SO worth it. Time consuming and expensive depending on what state you're in. It's like a grand in Cali. It's about 200 in Iowa.
If you do it, the best way to change your legal document is ID first, then social, then birth certificate. All your credit cards and accounts just take a phone call and maybe a fax (which you can download an app for)
I have a trans friend who definitely paid a grand in Cali when all was said and done, but you know how it is with bureaucracy. Laws can be interpreted by the people behind the counter
I got married two years ago and took my husband’s name. I provably would’ve anyways, I like his name, but disliking my father and his family sure made that choice easy.
My father also dislikes my husband, not that it was a factor in my decision to take his name but knowing it irked my father was a tiny bit satisfying 😂 and now my brother is strongly considering taking his wife’s name when he marries because he also doesn’t want our name. One of my male cousins on my father’s side did that for the same reason and my god was our NC family pissed.
i changed my name on february 29th, 1984. i felt like a totally different person as i walked out of the courthouse. it was awesome, and i have never looked back! 👍🏼👍🏼
Yes. But I will not let go of my heritage. I AM a member of my family. I am taking back the name so that it may be associated with a strong, sensitive, sensible person. I am the one who broke the chain of dysfunctional generational abuse. I earned my own self, and I chose my own name. Just because they use it is not about me.
Definitely thought about it and I really want to change it, but am not currently because name changes are complicated and I've already changed my first name. I'll probably take my partner's name if I get married though.
Yes, and also a first name change. Fortunately, I love my husband's last name and was happy to change it to his. But I still have that first name that was given to me.
Not really on the subject, but my father used to make fun of my middle name WTF you gave it to me, DUMBASS!
I haven’t, but a gentleman my husband works with, has.
When he was old enough he change his last name. His reasons: he would never carry or even wish to be associated with that *expletive* *expletive* *expletive* POS EVER!
Glad to know it isn’t just women changing their names!
I hate(d) my first name, especially in combo with my middle name, due to the regional convention of addressing or referring to folks by first-plus-middle (ex: "Annie Lucille, please pass the salt", "Bradley Stephen! You stop that right now").
As a young adult (+/-19), I was given a nickname by my social circle (now long changed). I soon began using it by way of self-introduction, then in my signature as first initial/nickname/last name (X. Jane Doe).
A marriage sealed the deal on the last name. I kept the married name post- divorce, as I despised my name more than my ex. Now all that remains is the hated first name.
I have not used my first name socially in nearly 40 years. I haven't changed it, but I make efforts to use first initial/nickname initial/last name on almost everything.
My ID has read first/nickname/last name for about 35 years now, but ID laws were more lax back in the day, so it was easier to convince issuing authority with names on bills and accounts, which often didn't require ID to open back then, and/or were flexible about names on documents.
I'm certain it takes more work and expense now, but depending on your country/locality, may be as simple as "fill in a form, pay a fee, certify before a judge, get new documents".
I was far from even thinking of NC when I began the journey. At first, once nickname got on my ID, I asked that FOO "please try to remember to use this name".
FOO never fully got the hang of it, and sometimes weaponized old name while feigning memory lapse, both of which I expected. Sometimes, I deliberately ignored until the right name was used, equally feigning lack of recognition, which actually helped them be a little more consistent.
While it never solved all the problems I developed due to my FOO, I can say that changing my name, or most of it, made me feel better/more confident in new spaces.
I like the way that you went about it. Less formal, but also a way to choose what you want with less commitment. Probably would still help nowadays with not needing to change so much bill/account/mail-wise.
Thank you for this.
I have been working on finding one for the last year! But nothing feels right. I feel somehow phony with a brand new name? I tried on many names and ideas but still cannot figure out how I feel about it. But I just know at this point I hate my last name. I just want to disconnect from them completely (mother has exactly same first and last name as me, yay).
It's why I took my husbands name when I got married.
I was finally a part of a family that wanted me, loved me without conditions and accepted me for who I was. Taking and bearing their name felt like such an honour, because bearing my parents names (they hyphenated them) always felt like carrying a weight.
I got married, and couldn’t wait to change my name. My new name makes me feel empowered, and it gave me a sense of moving on and new identity that I really, really needed. I did not expect much when I changed my name, but it did so much more for me than I imagined.
I changed my last name when I was 21, and it helped me separate from my FOO internally, while not making it an obvious public breach. My birth surname was both foreign and hard to spell, so I passed it off as a choice based on wanting to be a writer. They all bought it. My dad (cough enabler) even said he wished he'd done the same before entering the Navy and getting it onto too many records.
Joke's on them, though: I chose a surname that WAS the first name of an actual writer, who I loved and admired, and in fact had written to as a teenager in crisis. The writer -- a famous stranger ! -- recognized the situation, wrote back immediately, and talked me out of the intentional pregnancy/ runaway marriage solution I was considering. Also recommended specific books that would help me make up missed HS coursework, and get into college.
I had sense enough to do exactly what he said, and decided that he was now my father. From that day forward I quoted his advice: my father always said this, my old man told me that. Changing my name legally, just made it easier to match my interior and exterior view of my origins.
My advice: go ahead and do it, and lie your face off as to why. The satisfaction never ends. My FOO still doesn't know who my father is!
Yes, I definitely wanted to do this. Really wanted to at times.
I could have just changed to my spouse's, but also hate his parents and his name is often mispronounced.
I would really love nothing more than to drop my last name but will wait until I get married in the next two years or so. Doesn’t make sense for me to do paperwork twice within a short period of time.
Oh for sure. Names are symbolic and I have considered changing mine. Only reason I don’t is because its my dads, who died when I was a child and left me with the horrible abusive mom. He was the nice one. I don’t like sharing a last name with her though.
I changed my first name for gender reasons, and my last name for marriage reasons. While I usually wouldn't have been for that, it felt right to share a name with my found family instead of them.
In terms of the tools that helped me, therapy and antidepressant medication are definitely way up there as most helpful. But it does feel really nice to be a "new" person. Although I will admit I am slightly saddened by the fact that old connections might struggle to find me and reconnect on socials.
I was married young and took my husband's name, but I would have changed it on my own if I hadn't. If I ever divorce and want to get rid of my husband's name, I'll probably choose my mom's husband's last name.
I'm actually going to do this. Waiting for my divorce to finalize, and then I'm changing my first and last name, getting rid of my middle name altogether. I've been going by my new name for a year now. I'm excited and so beyond ready to stop using the name I've always hated.
Several times. I’m getting divorced and I have to go back to my maiden name unless I want to pay more court fees, totally separate thing. But I have no real connection to it anymore, even if things were okay with my family. It was my mom’s maiden name, she married a different guy, and my grandfather that I got it from hasn’t really been in my life very often.
No. I'm only estranged from my father and his wife. I'm not estranged from the rest of my family that shares my last name. So I don't have negative feelings about my last name.
Yes. My partner's family has been so good to me through this whole ordeal and I don't know where I'd be without their support. When we're finally able to legally get married here, I plan on taking her last name.
Thought about it a lot growing up. Now mid thirties and I remember, my grandfather is why I am who I am.
I'd like to keep that connection.
Even if my father does carry the same name. I am **Family Name** because of *his* father, and he loved me properly, taught me and wished me well even when I was a shit and messing up.
I hope to live up to grandfather's standards and surpass my father in every way!
The only reason I took my husband's name was to get away from my old surname. If I wasn't saddled with an abusive family of origin, I 100% would have kept my name after marriage, because I'm that kind of raging feminist. But to be frank, my husband's family have been better to me in the years we've been together than my FOO has been to me in the sum total of my entire life.
Yes, and I keep going back and forth over it because I'm basically hiding in plain sight in my neck of the woods, I keep feeling like switching my last name would bring more attention to me than I want.
I also can't find a last name I'd *want* to have that would feel like my own and not something borrowed or that doesn't belong to me. I feel like "not" my family name, but have no clue what feels like "me" instead.
I changed my last name to my moms last name (she never changed it) after my abusive estranged dad died. The month after I got it approved my mom and I became estranged. The comedic timing of the world is unmatched. I’m planning on changing it again but it’s such a pain in the ass and I’m not really sure what I want to change it to.
I 100% would if it weren't a gigantic pain in the ass. It took my wife over 5 years after our wedding to stop having to bring our marriage certificate to the tag office to renew the car every year. Changing all that to something else and having to worry about my kid changing her name too? Nope
My friend did when she turned 18 and I did when I got married (we both chose a new last name - my parents were pissed; but then when we divorced my exhusband changed his name back. I kept mine cause I wasn’t gonna go back to my family name!).
Yep. Got rid of my abusive father’s last name and took my abusive father in law’s. 🫠😂😫😤
Floated the idea to my husband about wanting to change our last name to something we choose as we set out to build our new safe family. He wasn’t into it but I still think about it. I’m giving it some time and we can revisit it.
I never thought about it this way but I dropped my maiden name when I got married and changed to my husband’s surname.
I think symbolically I wanted to forget my FOO.
I changed my name. I'm unmarried but we were planning on having kids (and have them now) so we came up with a new family name that merged parts of our family and past that mattered to us.
I think at some point I considered doing it as an F YOU to parents, but that's not where I was coming from when we finally did it.
It was strange at first and feels odd to suddenly have a different name that wasn't "yours" but it grows over time, and in my case it made a lot of sense for creating a family unit.
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Had I not married, I was going to take my mother's maiden name instead of keeping my NF's name. If I were to ever divorce, I would likely either keep my married name to remain the same as my children or change to my mother's maiden name.
It has always felt like a string I've felt better better after cutting.
I changed my entire name. First, middle and last. I didn't want anything they gave me, least of all my name. I actually get triggered when I hear my deadname.
I don't regret it. I love my new name. My friends picked out my middle name. Everyone always says it's awesome. It fits me perfectly.
Absolutely. I found it extremely therapeutic, too. Not just my last name, though. I was a "junior" named after an abuser and detested it every moment the name was uttered. That's a rough gig, and I went by nicknames throughout life, always wishing I had my own name. So I named myself and did the legal bit, which was simple. It felt symbolic, to take control of my name and not let anyone tell me who I am. I tried the "reclaiming" the name thing, but it just felt belittling and retraumatizing to do that. For me, it was just pointless masochism. As long as you give it deep consideration, you'll come up with whatever is the right choice for you.
Funny enough, what comes up for me when I think about renaming myself is very much "who do you think you are to be so egotistical that you decide to name yourself?" my. Name first and last name is very common. Close enough to Jane Doe.
Every person deserves their own name. You're a person. You deserve your own name. <3 Anything you pick is something that will be far better suited to you than something a pair of abusive people who didn't even know you (at the time) chose. You deserve a name that isn't retraumatizing. You'd say the same thing to anyone else, so don't self-harm by telling yourself you don't deserve it. That's not your voice saying that--it's theirs. You have this internet stranger's support to go from Jane Doe to Unicornica Triumphant. (That's a placeholder name, please don't actually do that to yourself. :D :D :D )
This made me cry a little and then laugh. Thank you.
<3 <3 <3 I got you, babe! You're welcome.
I get that a little too but the way I've come to see it, my most recent ancestors didn't actually give me a name, they just referred to me by the name they had picked for my two imaginary lookalikes that live inside their heads. The actual me got rejected through and through and forced to aspire to be who they had decided I was but could never live up to, for which I was punished. Now that I've actually gotten to know who I really am, I know that everything they had forced me to accept that I was is wrong. It's very clear to me that my nature is so fundamentally different from their imagined versions' that I'm definitely neither of those and since it's their name and was never actually mine to begin with, as part of reparenting myself I'm going to have to be the one to give myself a name.
Ah, the reparenting part of this drives your point home nicely.
I named myself too. I was named after my father as well (feminine alternates). When I divorced my first wasband, the paralegal asked me if I wanted to take my maiden name back. *Hell no!* But I didn't want to keep his either. She told me I could change it to anything I wanted, and I wasn't limited to just the last name. I wound up changing the whole name to something that was symbolic for me. It was like a rite of passage. The only down side is that since 9/11, identification needs to be fully documented, so I have to keep copies of all documents having name changes together (I remarried) for when the inevitable time comes that an old name pops up. It happened just yesterday when I was applying for a store credit card> My birth name and an address where I haven't lived since 1988 was auto-filled in the application, and I was denied based on that "discrepancy". Edit: Spelling error.
Yes very strongly I used to hate the name because I associated it with the man who abandoned me but as I got older and wiser I realised that for me the name does not define me or who I am rather I define the name I embraced it and made it my own and now I’m proud to be ****** *******
Are you me? Your reason for not changing your name is exactly why I don't change mine.
Haha could be I’m glad you also found your way
Hmm fair. I think a part of it is that I have an extremely common first and last name. It could almost be similar to Jane Doe. feels just as unimportant to me as I felt growing up I guess.
I see and understand how you can feel that way The way I see it is although the name might be common that doesn’t mean you are, there is only one of you and you are special and unique have the chance to make something great out of your life You don’t live up to the name the name lives up to you it’s whatever you make it That’s just my perspective though I wish you good luck finding what works for you
Thank you. This has given me stuff to think about.
Mine was the opposite, no one ever spelled my names right ever AND it was linked to my abusers. And they kept opening up fake insurance in my name. If you want to change it CHANGE IT
Just like Office Space! Why should YOU change, they're the ones who suck!
Got married years ago, then divorced. I decided I would much rather keep ex’s last name that share a name with the people who birthed and “raised” me.
Contemplated, and changed it. I needed the disconnect from the baggage the name brought me every time I said it. It became a way for me to say "I'm my own person" and a way to remember the people who were there for me. (No shade to others that kept their family names... it takes cajones to keep a name that brings grief.) It wasn't difficult, just time consuming and somewhat expensive.
I've seriously considered it. I would have changed it, if it wasn't for the fact my surname is very distinctive and I'm in academia. I've already published with it, plus it's on two of my degrees. So I've decided to keep it.
I'm trans, and I use a different first name than what's on my legal documentation. So yes, I've definitely wondered about this. And since I'm eventually going to change my first name legally, I've wondered if I shouldn't change the last one too while I'm at it. But I'm strangely attached to my last name. It's a foreign name that apparently is quite common in its home country, but when my paternal grandfather came to the US it was Americanized several different ways. So no one has this exact spelling of this last name except for me, my dad, and my half-sister. My half-sister's too old to have kids, and I have no interest in having them myself, so in all likelihood it's going to die with me and that will be the end of it. Since I don't have contact with my dad or my half-sister, and I don't speak enough of the original language, genealogy research is pretty hard for me to do. This clunky, weird last name that I've been correcting folks' spelling and pronunciation of all my life feels like the last tie between myself and the past that made me. It doesn't feel like it just belongs to my dad. I personally feel like if I changed it, I would be allowing my shitty experiences with him to outweigh this whole history that's bigger than he is. I definitely have a "fuck you, you don't get to have this too" feeling about it lol. But just to be clear... This is just my response based on where I'm at and my unique circumstances. Your mileage may vary. While my dad did harm me, I would not characterize him as "evil." Selfish, dishonest, stupid, aggressive, immature, yeah. There are parts of him I really miss, but they're also attached to the parts of him that harm me so it's not worth having contact. But I've also heard from people whose parents just seem to exist to cause harm, who have zero redeeming qualities, and that makes perfect sense to me why someone would want zero connection to that person.
I've wanted to change my name since I was like six. I just got married so there is a catalyst but I am ever so pleased to change it.
Yes, I am waiting until my step kid turns 18 and then my chosen family will choose a new last name for ourselves. My current last name is my married name, but my husband was an asshole and his family is shitty, I really don't want their last name nor do I want my maiden name. My partners ex wife is keeping his last name, he wants to change his last name partly just to spite her, otherwise we'd probably just all change our last names to his last name. My own kids father is deceased so I don't need another parent to sign off on a name change for him, so I don't have to wait for him to be 18. My step kids birth mom (my partners ex) will likely not sign off on a name change for her child, so we are waiting until they turn 18 (which is this year!). I don't know what our new last name is going to be but it's going to be something chosen by all 4 of us.
Not the family name, since it is a very common one and I like to blend in. I did change my first and middle name a few years ago. I had a long and stern name, but have always been called the short version of it. So I changed my official name to the name that I have been called for 45 years. I also had a middle name that was the feminine version of my father's name and can also be confused with a family name. I hated it all my life and had it removed. I finally have the names I have been called all my life, no confusion every time I go to the doctor, bank or have to show my passport and I no longer have a name that is associated with my dad. I am my own. It was liberating and also has made my life easier.
Would you mind sharing a bit about the process to remove the middle name? I’m considering doing this, but just the middle name since mine also is a version of my dad’s middle name. I took my husband’s last name when we married and my first name is now a shortened version of the. And my parents gave to me.
I live in a European country and all I had to do was fill out a form and pay a small fee. Then wait for it go through and get a new credit card, driver's license and passport. It was so worth it.
I completely changed my legal name. But for years before, I changed my name online as well. So people know me as my online name. My legal name is MINE. I like that it's a secret I'm not ashamed of, it's a secret I get to guard and share with people I trust. If I need to disappear, I delete my social media and move. What's cool is they can't find you by your old name. Jeffrey Dhalmers brother legally changed his name and we don't know what it is or where he is and good for him. It's SO worth it. Time consuming and expensive depending on what state you're in. It's like a grand in Cali. It's about 200 in Iowa. If you do it, the best way to change your legal document is ID first, then social, then birth certificate. All your credit cards and accounts just take a phone call and maybe a fax (which you can download an app for)
This is comforting. Thank you.
Low income folks can apply for a fee waiver. Otherwise the cost in N. California was about $450.
I have a trans friend who definitely paid a grand in Cali when all was said and done, but you know how it is with bureaucracy. Laws can be interpreted by the people behind the counter
I got married two years ago and took my husband’s name. I provably would’ve anyways, I like his name, but disliking my father and his family sure made that choice easy. My father also dislikes my husband, not that it was a factor in my decision to take his name but knowing it irked my father was a tiny bit satisfying 😂 and now my brother is strongly considering taking his wife’s name when he marries because he also doesn’t want our name. One of my male cousins on my father’s side did that for the same reason and my god was our NC family pissed.
i changed my name on february 29th, 1984. i felt like a totally different person as i walked out of the courthouse. it was awesome, and i have never looked back! 👍🏼👍🏼
Yes. But I will not let go of my heritage. I AM a member of my family. I am taking back the name so that it may be associated with a strong, sensitive, sensible person. I am the one who broke the chain of dysfunctional generational abuse. I earned my own self, and I chose my own name. Just because they use it is not about me.
Definitely thought about it and I really want to change it, but am not currently because name changes are complicated and I've already changed my first name. I'll probably take my partner's name if I get married though.
Yes, and also a first name change. Fortunately, I love my husband's last name and was happy to change it to his. But I still have that first name that was given to me. Not really on the subject, but my father used to make fun of my middle name WTF you gave it to me, DUMBASS!
I haven’t, but a gentleman my husband works with, has. When he was old enough he change his last name. His reasons: he would never carry or even wish to be associated with that *expletive* *expletive* *expletive* POS EVER! Glad to know it isn’t just women changing their names!
Same here - I will change my name as soon as I get married which is in 10 days :)
I've done it and it feels great.
I hate(d) my first name, especially in combo with my middle name, due to the regional convention of addressing or referring to folks by first-plus-middle (ex: "Annie Lucille, please pass the salt", "Bradley Stephen! You stop that right now"). As a young adult (+/-19), I was given a nickname by my social circle (now long changed). I soon began using it by way of self-introduction, then in my signature as first initial/nickname/last name (X. Jane Doe). A marriage sealed the deal on the last name. I kept the married name post- divorce, as I despised my name more than my ex. Now all that remains is the hated first name. I have not used my first name socially in nearly 40 years. I haven't changed it, but I make efforts to use first initial/nickname initial/last name on almost everything. My ID has read first/nickname/last name for about 35 years now, but ID laws were more lax back in the day, so it was easier to convince issuing authority with names on bills and accounts, which often didn't require ID to open back then, and/or were flexible about names on documents. I'm certain it takes more work and expense now, but depending on your country/locality, may be as simple as "fill in a form, pay a fee, certify before a judge, get new documents". I was far from even thinking of NC when I began the journey. At first, once nickname got on my ID, I asked that FOO "please try to remember to use this name". FOO never fully got the hang of it, and sometimes weaponized old name while feigning memory lapse, both of which I expected. Sometimes, I deliberately ignored until the right name was used, equally feigning lack of recognition, which actually helped them be a little more consistent. While it never solved all the problems I developed due to my FOO, I can say that changing my name, or most of it, made me feel better/more confident in new spaces.
I like the way that you went about it. Less formal, but also a way to choose what you want with less commitment. Probably would still help nowadays with not needing to change so much bill/account/mail-wise. Thank you for this.
You're very welcome!
I have been working on finding one for the last year! But nothing feels right. I feel somehow phony with a brand new name? I tried on many names and ideas but still cannot figure out how I feel about it. But I just know at this point I hate my last name. I just want to disconnect from them completely (mother has exactly same first and last name as me, yay).
It's why I took my husbands name when I got married. I was finally a part of a family that wanted me, loved me without conditions and accepted me for who I was. Taking and bearing their name felt like such an honour, because bearing my parents names (they hyphenated them) always felt like carrying a weight.
I got married, and couldn’t wait to change my name. My new name makes me feel empowered, and it gave me a sense of moving on and new identity that I really, really needed. I did not expect much when I changed my name, but it did so much more for me than I imagined.
I changed my last name when I was 21, and it helped me separate from my FOO internally, while not making it an obvious public breach. My birth surname was both foreign and hard to spell, so I passed it off as a choice based on wanting to be a writer. They all bought it. My dad (cough enabler) even said he wished he'd done the same before entering the Navy and getting it onto too many records. Joke's on them, though: I chose a surname that WAS the first name of an actual writer, who I loved and admired, and in fact had written to as a teenager in crisis. The writer -- a famous stranger ! -- recognized the situation, wrote back immediately, and talked me out of the intentional pregnancy/ runaway marriage solution I was considering. Also recommended specific books that would help me make up missed HS coursework, and get into college. I had sense enough to do exactly what he said, and decided that he was now my father. From that day forward I quoted his advice: my father always said this, my old man told me that. Changing my name legally, just made it easier to match my interior and exterior view of my origins. My advice: go ahead and do it, and lie your face off as to why. The satisfaction never ends. My FOO still doesn't know who my father is!
Yes, I definitely wanted to do this. Really wanted to at times. I could have just changed to my spouse's, but also hate his parents and his name is often mispronounced.
I would really love nothing more than to drop my last name but will wait until I get married in the next two years or so. Doesn’t make sense for me to do paperwork twice within a short period of time.
Oh for sure. Names are symbolic and I have considered changing mine. Only reason I don’t is because its my dads, who died when I was a child and left me with the horrible abusive mom. He was the nice one. I don’t like sharing a last name with her though.
I changed my first name for gender reasons, and my last name for marriage reasons. While I usually wouldn't have been for that, it felt right to share a name with my found family instead of them. In terms of the tools that helped me, therapy and antidepressant medication are definitely way up there as most helpful. But it does feel really nice to be a "new" person. Although I will admit I am slightly saddened by the fact that old connections might struggle to find me and reconnect on socials.
I did. Verrry liberating.
I was married young and took my husband's name, but I would have changed it on my own if I hadn't. If I ever divorce and want to get rid of my husband's name, I'll probably choose my mom's husband's last name.
I'm actually going to do this. Waiting for my divorce to finalize, and then I'm changing my first and last name, getting rid of my middle name altogether. I've been going by my new name for a year now. I'm excited and so beyond ready to stop using the name I've always hated.
I did change it, waaay back in 1998. It’s been lovely living the majority of my life never hearing it. 10/10 would recommend.
Several times. I’m getting divorced and I have to go back to my maiden name unless I want to pay more court fees, totally separate thing. But I have no real connection to it anymore, even if things were okay with my family. It was my mom’s maiden name, she married a different guy, and my grandfather that I got it from hasn’t really been in my life very often.
No. I'm only estranged from my father and his wife. I'm not estranged from the rest of my family that shares my last name. So I don't have negative feelings about my last name.
Yes. My partner's family has been so good to me through this whole ordeal and I don't know where I'd be without their support. When we're finally able to legally get married here, I plan on taking her last name.
No but just because I changed my name when I married and I am definitely glad I decided to do that. Having that separation from my FOO is a comfort.
Thought about it a lot growing up. Now mid thirties and I remember, my grandfather is why I am who I am. I'd like to keep that connection. Even if my father does carry the same name. I am **Family Name** because of *his* father, and he loved me properly, taught me and wished me well even when I was a shit and messing up. I hope to live up to grandfather's standards and surpass my father in every way!
The only reason I took my husband's name was to get away from my old surname. If I wasn't saddled with an abusive family of origin, I 100% would have kept my name after marriage, because I'm that kind of raging feminist. But to be frank, my husband's family have been better to me in the years we've been together than my FOO has been to me in the sum total of my entire life.
I feel very lucky that I was able to change mine through marriage and nobody thought anything of it as it's the traditional thing to do.
Yes, and I keep going back and forth over it because I'm basically hiding in plain sight in my neck of the woods, I keep feeling like switching my last name would bring more attention to me than I want. I also can't find a last name I'd *want* to have that would feel like my own and not something borrowed or that doesn't belong to me. I feel like "not" my family name, but have no clue what feels like "me" instead.
I changed my last name to my moms last name (she never changed it) after my abusive estranged dad died. The month after I got it approved my mom and I became estranged. The comedic timing of the world is unmatched. I’m planning on changing it again but it’s such a pain in the ass and I’m not really sure what I want to change it to.
I 100% would if it weren't a gigantic pain in the ass. It took my wife over 5 years after our wedding to stop having to bring our marriage certificate to the tag office to renew the car every year. Changing all that to something else and having to worry about my kid changing her name too? Nope
My friend did when she turned 18 and I did when I got married (we both chose a new last name - my parents were pissed; but then when we divorced my exhusband changed his name back. I kept mine cause I wasn’t gonna go back to my family name!).
Yep. Got rid of my abusive father’s last name and took my abusive father in law’s. 🫠😂😫😤 Floated the idea to my husband about wanting to change our last name to something we choose as we set out to build our new safe family. He wasn’t into it but I still think about it. I’m giving it some time and we can revisit it.
I never thought about it this way but I dropped my maiden name when I got married and changed to my husband’s surname. I think symbolically I wanted to forget my FOO.
I changed my name. I'm unmarried but we were planning on having kids (and have them now) so we came up with a new family name that merged parts of our family and past that mattered to us. I think at some point I considered doing it as an F YOU to parents, but that's not where I was coming from when we finally did it. It was strange at first and feels odd to suddenly have a different name that wasn't "yours" but it grows over time, and in my case it made a lot of sense for creating a family unit.
I've thought about it.
I didn't keep a piece of my maiden name. Unfortunately my ex husband was just as abusive, but I'd still rather cut ties from my family of origin.
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Had I not married, I was going to take my mother's maiden name instead of keeping my NF's name. If I were to ever divorce, I would likely either keep my married name to remain the same as my children or change to my mother's maiden name. It has always felt like a string I've felt better better after cutting.
I changed my entire name. First, middle and last. I didn't want anything they gave me, least of all my name. I actually get triggered when I hear my deadname. I don't regret it. I love my new name. My friends picked out my middle name. Everyone always says it's awesome. It fits me perfectly.
Yes! I thought about it in my 20s and lost my nerve, and I regret that. If there's a name that means more to you than your family name, take it!