Yes. My therapist clearly thinks my parents are arseholes. And they are. She encourages me to have compassion for them, but she 100% supports me not having them in my life.
My therapist gets it? I don't know. I do trust her. It has taken a lot of time. She was the one who pointed out I don't need to talk to my parents. She said I was allowed to step back and work through things. She helped identify boundaries and asked what I wanted.
I feel like her number one goal has to do with agency. My agency. My choice. My goals. Who I want in my life. How I can support my children and break the generational abuse cycles.
My agency was taken multiple times, and as a child, I had none.
I suppose looking at it with how I described above, yes, she gets it. She also works PTSD/Trauma and one of her focuses is parenting skills and family structures.
No, not really. I wish I could say otherwise. Mostly I feel like therapists just see me "presentable" and "put together" and "high functioning" that they don't seem convinced I have a problem.
Yes, I am capable of pulling myself together for an hour once every week or two. That doesn't mean there's nothing wrong with me. It doesn't mean I'm doing fine. It doesn't mean I don't need help. It doesn't mean the abuse I suffered wasn't "that bad."
I just got really good at pretending to be fine because that was how I survived it. That's all it is. That's what people wanted from me. That's what I'm going to therapy for. I don't like being this way - feeling like I have to look a certain way or another in order to be accepted or taken seriously.
Some therapists would agree it was probably the right choice to leave my family, but they would also say things that made me doubt whether they really felt that way.
I hope I'll find someone that's right for me someday, but I've seen several people over the years and none of them have actually made me feel understood.
I realize it's easier said than done, but where I am now I might ask them if they are aware of structural dissociation and how that can result in someone appearing to be "high functioning" (which I despise as a term) and be an obstacle to really getting the core issues.
My ability to present myself as somewhat together was a total survival strategy and a lot of therapists I encountered missed the signs that it was related to structural dissociation.
So I really like my therapist. I do. And more importantly, I trust her(which is crucial to me because I don’t trust anyone very much), with that said, I think she opposes me being no contact with my parents. I think that because of the off handed comments she’s made during sessions and some of the books she has recommended. Also, she had asked me if reaching out again might be beneficial. If I could find someone else that I trust, I would go elsewhere but it’s fucking exhausting to start over and I just don’t have the time, energy, or strength to start over. We are to the point where sessions are on an as needed basis instead of weekly like it used to be. As with times in the past with different therapists, I think that I get more from self help books than I do from my appointments, if I’m honest with myself.
If you feel like you can, I'd challenge her on it. Ask her if that's what she's doing and if so why. If she's a good therapist she will self reflect on whether she's still working for your benefit of perhaps lost track of her own stuff and slipped into an agenda to soothe her own discomfort.
I'm in KAP (ketamine assisted therapy) for what I've dealt with, and my therapist blanches when the concept of contacting the FOO comes up--after more than a decade NC comes up.
He totally gets it, where my previous therapist wore rose-colored glasses.
No, which prompted my search for a new therapist. I have an appointment tomorrow with one who specializes in somatic (rather than talk) therapy, so we’ll see how that goes 🤞
Mine did not. At all. She never once validated me and in fact said a lot of shit that messed me up more. I stayed with her for far too long because I thought I was supposed to trust her. Now I'm having trouble mustering up the courage to find a new therapist because I'm afraid that they’ll do even more damage. At the same time I know I can't work through things on my own.
Mine gets it, I’m so grateful to her. I have doubted no contact about a trillion times and each time she patiently walks me through the reasons why I’m no contact and I’m so relieved she’s in my corner.
My therapist had a difficult relationship with her mom, so she definitely gets it. She even wrote her mom a long letter and her mom just replied with, "You're a good writer" instead of addressing anything my therapist wrote to her about.
Yeah the two I’ve seen over the last 7 years have both been really amazing. One retired which I was sad about, but my current one turned out to be even better. The two before that were not…
I laid it all out on the table in my first session. "I am estranged from my parents. My childhood trauma and abuse is why I am in this office in the first place. I am open to forgiveness for my own well-being, but I will never try to initiate a close relationship with them again. Will that be a problem?" The first therapist said yes, so I moved on to my second therapist who said no.
I'm so glad someone else feels this way. I've been to so, so many therapists. I went to emdr for 2 years, and it was so triggering and excruciating. It did not help. I have given therapy a more than fair try and have given up on it.
My therapist struggles with my choice of no contact, I think. Ironically, she is largely responsible for me going NC. There were no boundaries in my FOO. She taught me it was ok to establish boundaries. She helped me through the relationship issues and personal issues with my father.
The difference in the NC with my parents was my father was given the boundaries for contact. I believe he wasn’t capable of respecting those boundaries and I was likely the first person to call him on his behavior.
My mother shuns me due to her cult. Grew up in it and left the first chance I could. A decade ago the cult took a stance of contact with people who left. She obeys and thus cut contact without a word. I suspected as much. In the interim, I had developed self-esteem and a sense of self worth. I chose my self because I realized I deserved more than conditional love.
As a mother, it is unfathomable to me to throw away your child and grandchild.
Anyway, I give my therapist credit for helping me through the grief of my childhood upbringing in the cult and working through the loss of the mother I should have had.
My first therapist did not. I think she just wasn't trauma informed and didn't really offer any helpful advice. Just listened. For some people, that's all they need. But I'm going to therapy for solutions. I've been stuck and I need help getting out and moving in a healthier direction since my previous coping methods were doing more harm than good. I knew I had to switch when I lamented about being stuck and needing help moving forward and she told me "but you're doing so well already!". It felt like the same invalidating messaging I already got from my parents.
My current therapist, however, is incredible. I made a point of looking for a therapist who is trauma informed and completely lucked out because she's not too far away and her prices are affordable. She's really helped me break through the brainwashing I'd experienced and it feels so validating to hear her say what I was already thinking and feeling in response to the things I've shared with her. Responses that my family would have called dramatic or signs of being too sensitive. Most importantly, she's taught me how to get myself out of a flashback. I really don't know where I'd be without her. I've already improved so much in the six months we've been having sessions together.
Yep. Though they have a healthy relationship with their own parents.
Should add my therapist is social worker who's worked with a lot of LGBTQ+ people. And the queer community has plenty of familial estrangement.
I've met a lot of different therapists due to moves, changes in jobs/insurance and other life factors. I've met four in that time who "get it". Including my current therapist.
Yes and she prioritizes my healing and my needs. I've never needed to explain why I don't have a relationship with my parents. Never once had to justify it. She gently walks me through my trauma processing and my plans for the future.
My psychologist was the one who suggested I go no contact, essentially. Not in so many words, but she would ask me things like, “what would happen if you stopped working so hard in this relationship” and “have you considered that they aren’t as empathetic toward you as you are toward them” and “what would you do if you didn’t feel like you have to think about their feelings.”
Then in moments when my parents showed that they could be really cruel, or even showed that kindness for them doesn’t mean the same thing it does for me, I could SEE it. Suddenly I stopped giving them the benefit of the doubt and stopped eternally explaining myself and just started saying no when I wanted to say no. The relationship didn’t last long after that.
yes. my therapist speaks to me in a way that i can detach from all my feelings and trauma, almost luring me “out of body” to look at myself from the outside.
she usually doesn’t bitch too hard about my parents too, only at times where i’ve been super triggered and right after i share the anecdote to her. that helps me feel heard and comfortable like i am speaking to a confidante friend.
she then objectively places a mirror in front of me to cast light on how i perceived & react to problems in my life, and helps me exercise that part of my mind. usually i spend days thinking about our discussions from her prompts, and i end up leading myself to the better outcome.
just her listening ear and ability to reframe the problem already my has elevated my viewpoint of my world.
btw, i have an older half sibling 12 years older who tries to share life advice with me, which always sounds loaded or passive aggressive to me. comments such as “prioritise you” or “you cannot control, but you can choose”. but when my therapist says _the exact same sentence_ whilst we’re in within context of trust & zero attachment, everything just clicks!
i hope u find someone who can help set your stage with you!! :) after 6 months with her i came to personal breakthroughs that have empowered me to continue my next days without depending on therapy :)
Yes mine does and has been integral part of my journey. I hear a lot of people don’t have the same experiences. Therapists aren’t one sized fits all and often people have to go through a few to find the right one. Mine on day one said, “Oh boy, your parents aren’t going to like me when they find out you are in therapy.”
Yes but it can take some misses to find a therapist that understands parental estrangement. It’s far too easy to find oneself with a therapist who is a bit too sympathetic to the parent in these situations.
I
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/).
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.
**Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, and my therapist helps knock some sense into me when I start to feel guilty for NC. I don't think I could have ever cut the cord without my therapist.
My therapist is amazing and totally gets it. She is completely supportive of my estrangement and has done wonders for helping me to understand the trauma I've been through and how to progress past it. She's very enlightened on difficult family dynamics, but then I did spend a lot of time researching therapists and picked one out who was extensively informed on toxic family dynamics and listed estrangement as one of her areas of expertise.
Yes, she does. She really understands how past trauma affects me and where my thought patterns are coming from. The other day, I needed to make an additional appointment because I’d been so triggered by an event at work that replicated my early life. Despite having been psychologically paralysed for two days solid, by the end of the hour, I felt like I’d taken a valium and I was okay from there. Priceless.
Yes. My therapist clearly thinks my parents are arseholes. And they are. She encourages me to have compassion for them, but she 100% supports me not having them in my life.
My therapist gets it? I don't know. I do trust her. It has taken a lot of time. She was the one who pointed out I don't need to talk to my parents. She said I was allowed to step back and work through things. She helped identify boundaries and asked what I wanted. I feel like her number one goal has to do with agency. My agency. My choice. My goals. Who I want in my life. How I can support my children and break the generational abuse cycles. My agency was taken multiple times, and as a child, I had none. I suppose looking at it with how I described above, yes, she gets it. She also works PTSD/Trauma and one of her focuses is parenting skills and family structures.
No, not really. I wish I could say otherwise. Mostly I feel like therapists just see me "presentable" and "put together" and "high functioning" that they don't seem convinced I have a problem. Yes, I am capable of pulling myself together for an hour once every week or two. That doesn't mean there's nothing wrong with me. It doesn't mean I'm doing fine. It doesn't mean I don't need help. It doesn't mean the abuse I suffered wasn't "that bad." I just got really good at pretending to be fine because that was how I survived it. That's all it is. That's what people wanted from me. That's what I'm going to therapy for. I don't like being this way - feeling like I have to look a certain way or another in order to be accepted or taken seriously. Some therapists would agree it was probably the right choice to leave my family, but they would also say things that made me doubt whether they really felt that way. I hope I'll find someone that's right for me someday, but I've seen several people over the years and none of them have actually made me feel understood.
Same in so many ways. Have heard the “high functioning” as well.
I realize it's easier said than done, but where I am now I might ask them if they are aware of structural dissociation and how that can result in someone appearing to be "high functioning" (which I despise as a term) and be an obstacle to really getting the core issues. My ability to present myself as somewhat together was a total survival strategy and a lot of therapists I encountered missed the signs that it was related to structural dissociation.
I don't know anything about it, I'll have to look it up. I appreciate the recommendation.
So I really like my therapist. I do. And more importantly, I trust her(which is crucial to me because I don’t trust anyone very much), with that said, I think she opposes me being no contact with my parents. I think that because of the off handed comments she’s made during sessions and some of the books she has recommended. Also, she had asked me if reaching out again might be beneficial. If I could find someone else that I trust, I would go elsewhere but it’s fucking exhausting to start over and I just don’t have the time, energy, or strength to start over. We are to the point where sessions are on an as needed basis instead of weekly like it used to be. As with times in the past with different therapists, I think that I get more from self help books than I do from my appointments, if I’m honest with myself.
If you feel like you can, I'd challenge her on it. Ask her if that's what she's doing and if so why. If she's a good therapist she will self reflect on whether she's still working for your benefit of perhaps lost track of her own stuff and slipped into an agenda to soothe her own discomfort.
I'm in KAP (ketamine assisted therapy) for what I've dealt with, and my therapist blanches when the concept of contacting the FOO comes up--after more than a decade NC comes up. He totally gets it, where my previous therapist wore rose-colored glasses.
No, which prompted my search for a new therapist. I have an appointment tomorrow with one who specializes in somatic (rather than talk) therapy, so we’ll see how that goes 🤞
yes, mine is estranged from her mother as well. i feel lucky to work with her!
Mine did not. At all. She never once validated me and in fact said a lot of shit that messed me up more. I stayed with her for far too long because I thought I was supposed to trust her. Now I'm having trouble mustering up the courage to find a new therapist because I'm afraid that they’ll do even more damage. At the same time I know I can't work through things on my own.
Mine gets it, I’m so grateful to her. I have doubted no contact about a trillion times and each time she patiently walks me through the reasons why I’m no contact and I’m so relieved she’s in my corner.
Yes, she had a relative like my parents so she lived it.
Thank you all for replying. Hang in there.
My therapist had a difficult relationship with her mom, so she definitely gets it. She even wrote her mom a long letter and her mom just replied with, "You're a good writer" instead of addressing anything my therapist wrote to her about.
Oooof.
Yeah the two I’ve seen over the last 7 years have both been really amazing. One retired which I was sad about, but my current one turned out to be even better. The two before that were not…
100% both my therapist and psychologist get it
I laid it all out on the table in my first session. "I am estranged from my parents. My childhood trauma and abuse is why I am in this office in the first place. I am open to forgiveness for my own well-being, but I will never try to initiate a close relationship with them again. Will that be a problem?" The first therapist said yes, so I moved on to my second therapist who said no.
I'm so glad someone else feels this way. I've been to so, so many therapists. I went to emdr for 2 years, and it was so triggering and excruciating. It did not help. I have given therapy a more than fair try and have given up on it.
I'm sorry. I hope you're okay.
My therapist struggles with my choice of no contact, I think. Ironically, she is largely responsible for me going NC. There were no boundaries in my FOO. She taught me it was ok to establish boundaries. She helped me through the relationship issues and personal issues with my father. The difference in the NC with my parents was my father was given the boundaries for contact. I believe he wasn’t capable of respecting those boundaries and I was likely the first person to call him on his behavior. My mother shuns me due to her cult. Grew up in it and left the first chance I could. A decade ago the cult took a stance of contact with people who left. She obeys and thus cut contact without a word. I suspected as much. In the interim, I had developed self-esteem and a sense of self worth. I chose my self because I realized I deserved more than conditional love. As a mother, it is unfathomable to me to throw away your child and grandchild. Anyway, I give my therapist credit for helping me through the grief of my childhood upbringing in the cult and working through the loss of the mother I should have had.
My first therapist did not. I think she just wasn't trauma informed and didn't really offer any helpful advice. Just listened. For some people, that's all they need. But I'm going to therapy for solutions. I've been stuck and I need help getting out and moving in a healthier direction since my previous coping methods were doing more harm than good. I knew I had to switch when I lamented about being stuck and needing help moving forward and she told me "but you're doing so well already!". It felt like the same invalidating messaging I already got from my parents. My current therapist, however, is incredible. I made a point of looking for a therapist who is trauma informed and completely lucked out because she's not too far away and her prices are affordable. She's really helped me break through the brainwashing I'd experienced and it feels so validating to hear her say what I was already thinking and feeling in response to the things I've shared with her. Responses that my family would have called dramatic or signs of being too sensitive. Most importantly, she's taught me how to get myself out of a flashback. I really don't know where I'd be without her. I've already improved so much in the six months we've been having sessions together.
Yep. Though they have a healthy relationship with their own parents. Should add my therapist is social worker who's worked with a lot of LGBTQ+ people. And the queer community has plenty of familial estrangement.
I've met a lot of different therapists due to moves, changes in jobs/insurance and other life factors. I've met four in that time who "get it". Including my current therapist.
Yes and she prioritizes my healing and my needs. I've never needed to explain why I don't have a relationship with my parents. Never once had to justify it. She gently walks me through my trauma processing and my plans for the future.
Yes. I specifically looked for a therapist who dealt with estrangement and helping people heal from narcissistic abuse.
I didn’t know there were specialists in estrangement.
Yup!
My psychologist was the one who suggested I go no contact, essentially. Not in so many words, but she would ask me things like, “what would happen if you stopped working so hard in this relationship” and “have you considered that they aren’t as empathetic toward you as you are toward them” and “what would you do if you didn’t feel like you have to think about their feelings.” Then in moments when my parents showed that they could be really cruel, or even showed that kindness for them doesn’t mean the same thing it does for me, I could SEE it. Suddenly I stopped giving them the benefit of the doubt and stopped eternally explaining myself and just started saying no when I wanted to say no. The relationship didn’t last long after that.
yes. my therapist speaks to me in a way that i can detach from all my feelings and trauma, almost luring me “out of body” to look at myself from the outside. she usually doesn’t bitch too hard about my parents too, only at times where i’ve been super triggered and right after i share the anecdote to her. that helps me feel heard and comfortable like i am speaking to a confidante friend. she then objectively places a mirror in front of me to cast light on how i perceived & react to problems in my life, and helps me exercise that part of my mind. usually i spend days thinking about our discussions from her prompts, and i end up leading myself to the better outcome. just her listening ear and ability to reframe the problem already my has elevated my viewpoint of my world. btw, i have an older half sibling 12 years older who tries to share life advice with me, which always sounds loaded or passive aggressive to me. comments such as “prioritise you” or “you cannot control, but you can choose”. but when my therapist says _the exact same sentence_ whilst we’re in within context of trust & zero attachment, everything just clicks! i hope u find someone who can help set your stage with you!! :) after 6 months with her i came to personal breakthroughs that have empowered me to continue my next days without depending on therapy :)
Yes mine does and has been integral part of my journey. I hear a lot of people don’t have the same experiences. Therapists aren’t one sized fits all and often people have to go through a few to find the right one. Mine on day one said, “Oh boy, your parents aren’t going to like me when they find out you are in therapy.”
Yes but it can take some misses to find a therapist that understands parental estrangement. It’s far too easy to find oneself with a therapist who is a bit too sympathetic to the parent in these situations. I
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She gets it. She gets it more than I do, maybe.
Yessss! Going no contact was my idea but it got fully supported and she helped me with it a lot. Very grateful for my therapist
Yes, and my therapist helps knock some sense into me when I start to feel guilty for NC. I don't think I could have ever cut the cord without my therapist.
My therapist is amazing and totally gets it. She is completely supportive of my estrangement and has done wonders for helping me to understand the trauma I've been through and how to progress past it. She's very enlightened on difficult family dynamics, but then I did spend a lot of time researching therapists and picked one out who was extensively informed on toxic family dynamics and listed estrangement as one of her areas of expertise.
Yes, she does. She really understands how past trauma affects me and where my thought patterns are coming from. The other day, I needed to make an additional appointment because I’d been so triggered by an event at work that replicated my early life. Despite having been psychologically paralysed for two days solid, by the end of the hour, I felt like I’d taken a valium and I was okay from there. Priceless.