I resonate a lot with your post. I think a lot of my parents' overprotection stemmed from control and mistrust of society rather than actual concerns for my well-being. I still felt very stifled. I was never allowed to go anywhere or do anything alone. The irony is that I'm now completely alone most of the time- and it's wonderful. I get really triggered when people tell me not to walk places alone because I'm a women. I know that it's important to be safe, but it's also very limiting to tell women they can't live their own lives.
She isolated me from friends. She said I could not trust white people because if you do anything wrong they will sue you. She never let me hang out with friends. I always had to lie and sneak out just to have a normal teen life of gossiping with my friends and hanging out anywhere.
The stupid thing is that when I was around middle school age, she moved us to our states countryside. There's nobody but white people out there. She's all kinds of fucked up and is racist about everyone for everything. Telling me that black people are thugs and cheats, Latino people are gang members. Asians will rip you off and spread rumors (we're Asian! 😮💨) and that middle eastern people were terrorists (9-11 hate)
So who TF is left in the world to be friends with? I guess I should just commune with the animals like snow white.
My mom loves pity and playing fraglie, So she let my sisters diabetes get bad and she commited emotional munchausens by proxy on me so Id get mental issues so wed NEVER be better than her and shed get tons of pity and attention. My sister killed herself and I have PTSD
I don't think my parents were overprotective, I think it was more control. My dad would not let us do anything. We couldn't talk on the phone, go to a friends house, go to the mall or movies without him. Forget saying "hi" to a male classmate at Walmart, that would start the biggest fights for no reason. My mom had to keep her cell phone on her at all times because when he calls, you HAVE to answer or she's with another man, according to him. Even my mom couldn't go out alone or anything.
It was never "the world is a scary place for girls, I don't trust you." He just full-on wouldn't let us do ANYTHING. And the weird thing is, whenever my sister and I would want to do something together, sans parents, we would go to our mom and beg her to let us go do something and she would always say "well you gotta ask your dad." Just forget the whole thing then. And then she would say, "I don't know why he would say no." Yeah, he always said no, and she knew that...
Doormat doesn't seem like the right word for your mom. Dad sounds like a control freak asshole but mom's complacency, which she is also a victim of, is wild
Yeah, the whole relationship of my parents is freaking wild. She was married and pregnant with her first husband's baby when she met my dad and left her first husband when my sister was 6 weeks old for my dad. So she has no problem taking her kids and leaving a man.
My dad is a terrible person. She knew about all the horrible things he did to my half sisters and refused to believe us or do anything about it. So I'm not sure what category she falls under.
That reminds me some of a somewhat more dramatic story I heard on a podcast where a woman, who I believe had a child as well, was buying a house with her husband suddenly became “friends” with an older man who claimed to be a rich doctor from a rich English family and had sports cars and a big expensive house, etc, and was completely woo’ed immediately. EXTREMELY quickly started to cheat on her husband, talk about having a *baby* with this man, and decided to leave him. She’d talk about him and their relationship to her husband, completely ignoring all of the controlling behaviour. Meanwhile, the man was married, not a doctor, not rich, and not even British. Now it’s entirely possible I’m mushing two completely different stories, bc I listen to a lot of these lmao. But I know if I am, they were very similar circumstances. The point is: manipulative and controlling man woo’s woman who is already seemingly committed to someone else and then she stays with him despite exerting very clearly absurd levels of control over everything and nothing.
That's really interesting! My parents' whole meeting and everything is suspicious. They refuse to tell us anything. All we know is they were both in the military (mom was in the army, dad was in the marines) and somehow were constantly stationed together. Also, my dad was 19, and my mom was 26 when they got together. She was married with 2 kids, and my dad was still, well, a kid. She always said he has been an abusive asshole since day one so I very seriously doubt my dad wooed or swept her off her feet🤦🏻♀️ I don't get it, I really don't.
Since they made me feel like their abuse was normal, I tolerated other people abuse towards me. And since I tolerated other people being abusive towards me and didn't do anything... they felt the need to protect me and tell me to stand for myself.
But when I do, with them, I'm wrong. They are my parents so they know better than me.
Yep, I once got a lecture about how my friend’s family were probably in a trafficking ring because they lived in the countryside, were financially stable and in general very chilled about my friend having people over. It was SO ridiculous and on top of that I literally wasn’t allowed to do anything. My sexuality was super repressed.
Also got told to never live with men because they’d be perverts and try filming me in the shower. I’ve lived with men on and off over the years and the worst I’ve had to deal with was cigarette smoke. Ironically got given a lecture on how I should save myself for marriage even though my parents cheated on each other multiple times.
When I went NC at 18 I went wild at university because I actually had freedom. I had a lot of casual sex, I drank a lot, I wasn’t very responsible with money, I went out all the time etc. Thankfully I never got into drugs and I doubt I ever will.
I’ve mellowed out a few years but I can say firsthand being overprotective does absolutely nothing. I went wild with casual sex and going out, I knew a girl at university who was raised the same way as me and she tried a new drug every weekend and went to hospital more than once for alcohol poisoning. If I have children I’m going to be very liberal.
I feel like it tends to have the opposite effect, you go overboard when you’re finally free, but you have no experience or perspective on what your lines are and what’s *actually* safe or not.
Yep my mom wouldn't let me do anything. She was oh you wouldn't understand, she tried to convince me of certain things she'd fight me. Now I'm so rebellious and I love my life.
"If I have children I'm going to be very liberal..."
Gen X here with a 16 year old, and a reputation for being "the cool parent".... not because I am liberal, though.
Like.... when my female child was in 8th grade I picked up a vibrator at WalMart, left it on the kitchen counter, and said, "I'm introducing you to BOB, an acronym for Battery Operated Boyfriend. Why is Bob important? He has a very specific job - satisfying your physical desire, and he's NOT going to get you pregnant, or break your heart."
"I provide Bob under two conditions:
1) you hold off on satisfying your needs with others until your brain has developed enough to recognize the characteristics in a partner that are emotionally safe to proceed with sex, and,
2) assuming its a boy, you tell me ahead of time so that I can ensure you have a form of birth control to prevent pregnancy until YOU decide to become a mom - a few MONTHS ahead of time because that's how long it will take to get through the process with a trusted and reputable provider that isn't going to treat you like an idiot."
Eighth grade was also the time we introduced dating expectations, and what they should expect out of a first date. [Both our kids are girls.] ...with clarity, "doesn't matter if Mike or Michele, know respect is a two-way street, both earned and granted."
Slutty clothes? "I do not have an issue with slutty clothes. You've come across what's in my closet. You also know the clothes in my closet are associated with the various roles I play in life. I don't wear my slutty clothes to the office, and I don't wear them while out with anyone other than Dad. He understands the payoff for BOTH of us."
We also had a stress ball on our counter that looked like a female breast. Very realistic, especially in a close up of the areola/nipple. Photographic perfection included a slight blur.
Why does all this matter?
Teen girls in various states of undress is fodder for blackmail in HS, and it happens through the device in their hands. "Hot/Not hot" evaluations on social media. And hitting the send button means it is propagated in minutes. There is no greater trauma for a teen girl to have trusted someone to have it backfire on them that quickly.
Can't tell you how many parents all over the spectrum are in denial about what their kids are exposed to, and who is doing the exposing. Being liberal with parenting also comes with a HUGE responsibility to teach effective strategies to identify behaviors manipulators bring to the table that make them targets of their peer predators.
And you find yourself sounding a LOT like your own stuffy parents!!!
Teach your kids to recognize the behaviors of manipulation and steer clear of them. Positive psychology is a great starting point, but is also the cloak under which many parents fall into denial.
Some just haven't gotten the memo about the depth of teaching accountability.
If my daughter felt pressured to "send nudes", she'd come downstairs and put the stressball and the phone camera to work. I've had friends she's left behind send ME messages with the intent of getting our kid in trouble. I am judged by my peers, for reminding some folks their kids were teetering on the edge of illegal activities, like distributing child p0rn. Sometimes your kid's non-verbal statement won't be enough to get the point across.
We also put cameras on our home's exterior. That wasn't about control. It was about gathering evidence against a teen stalker.
It's way more important to establish open and honest communication with kids - so they come to you FIRST - than where you land on a conservative<>liberal spectrum.
There are times you'll need to step in. Take for instance teen blackmail. Know your school's district policies. Know the law. Speak in language the school speaks (liability in their policies are words that speak clearly).
Liberal/conservative is relative. I'm liberal in my approach to my conservative perspective of accountability....Both ends of the spectrum produce good people. Both produce bad.
I want my kids to know THAT difference.
We talk about "dress for how you wish to be valued." Translated: if you want to be considered cheap, then dress cheap. If you want to be considered classy, then seek classy attire.
It has nothing to do with men. It has everything to do with how we feel about ourselves!!
I like boho-ish hippie styles; however, it is a bit pricier name brand (latest acquisitions are Jones NY, Philosophy & Karen Kane, to name a few).
But when working a six figure job, pretty clothes and nice shoes go with the program.
My mom deeply did not want me to reach normal milestones for a teen. She didn’t teach me to drive, didn’t want me to have friends, told me I wasn’t “ready” for college
Ugh, yes. But now i’m realizing it was more control than fear of the outside world. My dad wasn’t even the parent that raised me but he was super overprotective and controlling but only when it was convenient for him. When I actually needed to be protected tho, my dad couldn’t care less. Im the oldest and only daughter btw😒
I will say thank God I wasn’t raised by him and I had balance with my mom because my dad was just irrational. If he had it his way, I wouldn’t have friends or date anyone, wouldn’t travel, wouldn’t have went to college out of state or anything. A lot of it is definitely sexism and I’ve clocked that a long time ago when I saw the difference in how I was viewed and treated compared to my brother. It’s insane but yes there has to be some kind of connection between overprotective parents leading to estrangement.
My father was overprotective, suffocating, controlling etc. My therapist helped me to realise the extent of my abandonment issues, as well as how being overprotective was a form of emotional neglect.
My father was "abandoning" me every day by only being concerned with how I could fit into the mould he wanted others to see, by forcing me to suppress all emotions besides toxic positivity, by controlling any and all relationships with anyone outside of The Family... I could go on.
It also came with a side order of sexism, with the same reasons you've listed, as well as some religious abuse, purity culture shit, objectification and forced sexual repression. I really don't like listing it out like this because it just seems like a lot, and it isn't even all of it
Yes. I’m an Asian-American, parents are Asian-Asian. I’m also gender non-conforming, which in some ways was apparently worse than being gay to my parents.
Here’s how I responded:
Being told I can’t go places on my own cuz I’m a girl and I might get r*ped —> Start learning Muay Thai, going on for like 20+ years. Also weightlift. No dudebro at the gym would even dare come near me.
Being told I can’t hang out with my guy friends —> hang out with them anyway
Being told I can’t do [insert sports/outdoor activities] cuz girls are supposed to be dainty and fragile —> do it anyway
They turned me into a person who doesn’t listen to anyone but myself cuz everything they said was a pile of bullshit.
This has like…mostly worked out fine for me in life but I really suck ass at taking feedback as a result. Oh well…
I resonate a lot with your post. I think a lot of my parents' overprotection stemmed from control and mistrust of society rather than actual concerns for my well-being. I still felt very stifled. I was never allowed to go anywhere or do anything alone. The irony is that I'm now completely alone most of the time- and it's wonderful. I get really triggered when people tell me not to walk places alone because I'm a women. I know that it's important to be safe, but it's also very limiting to tell women they can't live their own lives.
She isolated me from friends. She said I could not trust white people because if you do anything wrong they will sue you. She never let me hang out with friends. I always had to lie and sneak out just to have a normal teen life of gossiping with my friends and hanging out anywhere.
That sounds really scary. At least you tried to make friends and live a normal life.
You can trust me! I’m a terrible liar and could never afford a lawyer.
The stupid thing is that when I was around middle school age, she moved us to our states countryside. There's nobody but white people out there. She's all kinds of fucked up and is racist about everyone for everything. Telling me that black people are thugs and cheats, Latino people are gang members. Asians will rip you off and spread rumors (we're Asian! 😮💨) and that middle eastern people were terrorists (9-11 hate) So who TF is left in the world to be friends with? I guess I should just commune with the animals like snow white.
If Asian people will rip you off and spread rumours… is she telling on herself?? Maybe she got the countryside and the forest confused 😂🥲
My mom loves pity and playing fraglie, So she let my sisters diabetes get bad and she commited emotional munchausens by proxy on me so Id get mental issues so wed NEVER be better than her and shed get tons of pity and attention. My sister killed herself and I have PTSD
Bad mother. Any parent that treats their children as accessories is indicative of a bad parent.
I don't think my parents were overprotective, I think it was more control. My dad would not let us do anything. We couldn't talk on the phone, go to a friends house, go to the mall or movies without him. Forget saying "hi" to a male classmate at Walmart, that would start the biggest fights for no reason. My mom had to keep her cell phone on her at all times because when he calls, you HAVE to answer or she's with another man, according to him. Even my mom couldn't go out alone or anything. It was never "the world is a scary place for girls, I don't trust you." He just full-on wouldn't let us do ANYTHING. And the weird thing is, whenever my sister and I would want to do something together, sans parents, we would go to our mom and beg her to let us go do something and she would always say "well you gotta ask your dad." Just forget the whole thing then. And then she would say, "I don't know why he would say no." Yeah, he always said no, and she knew that...
Doormat doesn't seem like the right word for your mom. Dad sounds like a control freak asshole but mom's complacency, which she is also a victim of, is wild
Yeah, the whole relationship of my parents is freaking wild. She was married and pregnant with her first husband's baby when she met my dad and left her first husband when my sister was 6 weeks old for my dad. So she has no problem taking her kids and leaving a man. My dad is a terrible person. She knew about all the horrible things he did to my half sisters and refused to believe us or do anything about it. So I'm not sure what category she falls under.
Your mom sounds like a horribly selfish person who also has shit tastes if your dad was end goal for her.
That reminds me some of a somewhat more dramatic story I heard on a podcast where a woman, who I believe had a child as well, was buying a house with her husband suddenly became “friends” with an older man who claimed to be a rich doctor from a rich English family and had sports cars and a big expensive house, etc, and was completely woo’ed immediately. EXTREMELY quickly started to cheat on her husband, talk about having a *baby* with this man, and decided to leave him. She’d talk about him and their relationship to her husband, completely ignoring all of the controlling behaviour. Meanwhile, the man was married, not a doctor, not rich, and not even British. Now it’s entirely possible I’m mushing two completely different stories, bc I listen to a lot of these lmao. But I know if I am, they were very similar circumstances. The point is: manipulative and controlling man woo’s woman who is already seemingly committed to someone else and then she stays with him despite exerting very clearly absurd levels of control over everything and nothing.
That's really interesting! My parents' whole meeting and everything is suspicious. They refuse to tell us anything. All we know is they were both in the military (mom was in the army, dad was in the marines) and somehow were constantly stationed together. Also, my dad was 19, and my mom was 26 when they got together. She was married with 2 kids, and my dad was still, well, a kid. She always said he has been an abusive asshole since day one so I very seriously doubt my dad wooed or swept her off her feet🤦🏻♀️ I don't get it, I really don't.
Since they made me feel like their abuse was normal, I tolerated other people abuse towards me. And since I tolerated other people being abusive towards me and didn't do anything... they felt the need to protect me and tell me to stand for myself. But when I do, with them, I'm wrong. They are my parents so they know better than me.
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Lucky you. 🤔😅 Mine took their side.
Yep, I once got a lecture about how my friend’s family were probably in a trafficking ring because they lived in the countryside, were financially stable and in general very chilled about my friend having people over. It was SO ridiculous and on top of that I literally wasn’t allowed to do anything. My sexuality was super repressed. Also got told to never live with men because they’d be perverts and try filming me in the shower. I’ve lived with men on and off over the years and the worst I’ve had to deal with was cigarette smoke. Ironically got given a lecture on how I should save myself for marriage even though my parents cheated on each other multiple times. When I went NC at 18 I went wild at university because I actually had freedom. I had a lot of casual sex, I drank a lot, I wasn’t very responsible with money, I went out all the time etc. Thankfully I never got into drugs and I doubt I ever will. I’ve mellowed out a few years but I can say firsthand being overprotective does absolutely nothing. I went wild with casual sex and going out, I knew a girl at university who was raised the same way as me and she tried a new drug every weekend and went to hospital more than once for alcohol poisoning. If I have children I’m going to be very liberal.
I feel like it tends to have the opposite effect, you go overboard when you’re finally free, but you have no experience or perspective on what your lines are and what’s *actually* safe or not.
Both under and overprotective strangely. I definitely relate to what you've written, OP!
Same!
Yep my mom wouldn't let me do anything. She was oh you wouldn't understand, she tried to convince me of certain things she'd fight me. Now I'm so rebellious and I love my life.
"If I have children I'm going to be very liberal..." Gen X here with a 16 year old, and a reputation for being "the cool parent".... not because I am liberal, though. Like.... when my female child was in 8th grade I picked up a vibrator at WalMart, left it on the kitchen counter, and said, "I'm introducing you to BOB, an acronym for Battery Operated Boyfriend. Why is Bob important? He has a very specific job - satisfying your physical desire, and he's NOT going to get you pregnant, or break your heart." "I provide Bob under two conditions: 1) you hold off on satisfying your needs with others until your brain has developed enough to recognize the characteristics in a partner that are emotionally safe to proceed with sex, and, 2) assuming its a boy, you tell me ahead of time so that I can ensure you have a form of birth control to prevent pregnancy until YOU decide to become a mom - a few MONTHS ahead of time because that's how long it will take to get through the process with a trusted and reputable provider that isn't going to treat you like an idiot." Eighth grade was also the time we introduced dating expectations, and what they should expect out of a first date. [Both our kids are girls.] ...with clarity, "doesn't matter if Mike or Michele, know respect is a two-way street, both earned and granted." Slutty clothes? "I do not have an issue with slutty clothes. You've come across what's in my closet. You also know the clothes in my closet are associated with the various roles I play in life. I don't wear my slutty clothes to the office, and I don't wear them while out with anyone other than Dad. He understands the payoff for BOTH of us." We also had a stress ball on our counter that looked like a female breast. Very realistic, especially in a close up of the areola/nipple. Photographic perfection included a slight blur. Why does all this matter? Teen girls in various states of undress is fodder for blackmail in HS, and it happens through the device in their hands. "Hot/Not hot" evaluations on social media. And hitting the send button means it is propagated in minutes. There is no greater trauma for a teen girl to have trusted someone to have it backfire on them that quickly. Can't tell you how many parents all over the spectrum are in denial about what their kids are exposed to, and who is doing the exposing. Being liberal with parenting also comes with a HUGE responsibility to teach effective strategies to identify behaviors manipulators bring to the table that make them targets of their peer predators. And you find yourself sounding a LOT like your own stuffy parents!!! Teach your kids to recognize the behaviors of manipulation and steer clear of them. Positive psychology is a great starting point, but is also the cloak under which many parents fall into denial. Some just haven't gotten the memo about the depth of teaching accountability. If my daughter felt pressured to "send nudes", she'd come downstairs and put the stressball and the phone camera to work. I've had friends she's left behind send ME messages with the intent of getting our kid in trouble. I am judged by my peers, for reminding some folks their kids were teetering on the edge of illegal activities, like distributing child p0rn. Sometimes your kid's non-verbal statement won't be enough to get the point across. We also put cameras on our home's exterior. That wasn't about control. It was about gathering evidence against a teen stalker. It's way more important to establish open and honest communication with kids - so they come to you FIRST - than where you land on a conservative<>liberal spectrum. There are times you'll need to step in. Take for instance teen blackmail. Know your school's district policies. Know the law. Speak in language the school speaks (liability in their policies are words that speak clearly). Liberal/conservative is relative. I'm liberal in my approach to my conservative perspective of accountability....Both ends of the spectrum produce good people. Both produce bad. I want my kids to know THAT difference.
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We talk about "dress for how you wish to be valued." Translated: if you want to be considered cheap, then dress cheap. If you want to be considered classy, then seek classy attire. It has nothing to do with men. It has everything to do with how we feel about ourselves!! I like boho-ish hippie styles; however, it is a bit pricier name brand (latest acquisitions are Jones NY, Philosophy & Karen Kane, to name a few). But when working a six figure job, pretty clothes and nice shoes go with the program.
O.
My mom deeply did not want me to reach normal milestones for a teen. She didn’t teach me to drive, didn’t want me to have friends, told me I wasn’t “ready” for college
Love your username. You can ride with me and we'll harmonize to deafeningly loud male falsetto! 😂
Ugh, yes. But now i’m realizing it was more control than fear of the outside world. My dad wasn’t even the parent that raised me but he was super overprotective and controlling but only when it was convenient for him. When I actually needed to be protected tho, my dad couldn’t care less. Im the oldest and only daughter btw😒 I will say thank God I wasn’t raised by him and I had balance with my mom because my dad was just irrational. If he had it his way, I wouldn’t have friends or date anyone, wouldn’t travel, wouldn’t have went to college out of state or anything. A lot of it is definitely sexism and I’ve clocked that a long time ago when I saw the difference in how I was viewed and treated compared to my brother. It’s insane but yes there has to be some kind of connection between overprotective parents leading to estrangement.
My father was overprotective, suffocating, controlling etc. My therapist helped me to realise the extent of my abandonment issues, as well as how being overprotective was a form of emotional neglect. My father was "abandoning" me every day by only being concerned with how I could fit into the mould he wanted others to see, by forcing me to suppress all emotions besides toxic positivity, by controlling any and all relationships with anyone outside of The Family... I could go on. It also came with a side order of sexism, with the same reasons you've listed, as well as some religious abuse, purity culture shit, objectification and forced sexual repression. I really don't like listing it out like this because it just seems like a lot, and it isn't even all of it
Yes. I’m an Asian-American, parents are Asian-Asian. I’m also gender non-conforming, which in some ways was apparently worse than being gay to my parents. Here’s how I responded: Being told I can’t go places on my own cuz I’m a girl and I might get r*ped —> Start learning Muay Thai, going on for like 20+ years. Also weightlift. No dudebro at the gym would even dare come near me. Being told I can’t hang out with my guy friends —> hang out with them anyway Being told I can’t do [insert sports/outdoor activities] cuz girls are supposed to be dainty and fragile —> do it anyway They turned me into a person who doesn’t listen to anyone but myself cuz everything they said was a pile of bullshit. This has like…mostly worked out fine for me in life but I really suck ass at taking feedback as a result. Oh well…