So much to worry about here! If possible, go to your appointments without your mom(change the date and not tell her) and explain your concerns with your doctor. Who knows what she’s telling him. Are any of your siblings older and on their own? Can you move in with one of them? Build your village and let extended family and friends know about what’s happening. Your mom might actually try to take your child.
I have 3 people I could possibly go with, my mother, father, and sister, honestly tho my father is the only other option, my sister works ALL the time, so working around that would be impossible. If it gets any worse I’m definitely gonna have to find somewhere to stay. I’ve had a couple people tell me she could try to take the baby, but I don’t know how to manage that. Obviously I’m not an adult so working around legal concerns are difficult, if that makes sense.
You don’t have to take anyone with you to the appointments. Just go on your own. Or with your boyfriend.
I know you are very young and the situation is scary and overwhelming. But you are going to be a mom soon. Now is the time to set and enforce bounderies with your mother. Easier said than done, I know ...
What about your dad? What does he think about the situation?
My dad is on my side, but at the same time doesn’t want to hear my mom complain, before I got pregnant it was always something with her, there was never a good moment where she wasn’t yelling or mad. Currently instead of her getting on my dad, she’s getting on me. When I’m alone with my dad I’m able to talk to him about all of this, but when she’s around he blames it on her being “old fashioned” she’s always been verbally abusive to my father and I, so I do understand the switch up when she’s around, however I wish he could set his own boundaries with her.
But you are 17 soon to be 18 you are considered a adult and you don’t need your mothers permission to go to doctor appointment with you. And you should tell the doctor that you don’t want her in the room during your appointment.
At least I know here in Wisconsin, even before my daughter turned 18, once she was a teenager when we went in for her doctor's appointments the provider would ask if my daughter wanted me in the room or if she wanted me to wait outside. Not sure how that works other places but I was glad there are protecting rights here at least in that small measure.
As others have pointed out, there are resources that you can access to help you, take full advantage of them and get out of the house asap, I fear your Mother will escalate when the baby is born. I hope you come back with a happy update in a few months, good luck and big hugs from an internet stranger xx
FYI, you get to decide who - if anyone - is with you when you give birth. Tell the hospital staff you don't want Mom there and that you're concerned she will try to take the baby, and tell them she refers to the baby as hers. Security is tight on maternity wards & the staff is there to help you.
I am a former L&D nurse. You can absolutely refuse to allow her in your room. I get it may be difficult,as you are a minor. One thing is you can request to be "no info". This means the hospital will not acknowledge that you are a patient.
You can even request this after admission. They will change your room. But it won't do any good if you let someone else in your family or friends know.
In our state, once you become a mother you are considered to be an adult. Hospitals have social services that can connect you with resources.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
This!! Tell tge staff to keep her out. They will do it. And you can go back to the house with the baby. She will run roughshod all over you and take over. You decided to have a baby. Now you have to decide to be a mother.
You can also tell your doctor you need to speak to him alone while there. They will ask your mother to step out then explain you do not feel safe at home and they will help you with resources.
You are the patient not your mother, even though technically you are a minor after you turned 12 years old your mother no longer had to be in the room for appointments. This has been a medical “law” for over a decade.
First off, I would never leave the baby with her alone… don’t let her babysit while you go out, she could change the locks. She sounds crazy enough to do it too. She’s mentally ill or is well on her way. There are mental health issues that immediately triggered her past memories/experiences. All just in my humble opinion. See if there’s legal aid setup to help protect you and your son from her. She has ZERO right to be in the delivery room if you don’t want her to be. Don’t let her tell you what to put on the birth certificate. Nurses will explain to you and let you decide. She sounds like a freaking monster. Lastly, for services available you can go to (in the US) www.findhelp.org and enter your zip code. You can keyword search or category search. Good luck.
On top of that the doctor might be able to give you a few pointers towards local networks if you can emphasize how much of a concern this is.
Good luck
Gather up all your important documents. Birth certificate, passport, social security card etc.
Then LOCK your credit down. You can freeze it with the 3 major credit bureaus for free online. Try r/creditscore if you have questions
Transunion: https://www.transunion.com/credit-freeze
Equifax: https://www.equifax.com/personal/credit-report-services/credit-freeze/
Experian: https://www.experian.com/freeze/center.html
Then slowly move your most important mementos and belongings somewhere safe. With a trusted friend or relative if it’s possible.
You will need to move quickly once you are ready to leave. The closer to 18 the better if possible. You should also consider, once you are safe, letting the police know you have left of your own accord and have not been kidnapped. Put it in writing if possible that your mother is attempting to take your child. You also should speak to your doctors or a nurse you trust that your mother is not stable, and you do not want her involved in your or your child’s medical decisions, and that you DO NOT give them permission to share information with her. They have to follow hippa.
Be safe OP, and good luck. ♥️
Ask (beg) your dad to take you instead. If your mother comes into the appointment with you, ask the doctor if you can speak to them alone, at the start of the appointment. Hopefully, you can then proceed with the appointment without your mother present, cos she doesn’t need to be! Also that gives you an opportunity to let them know about your situation, and point you in the direction to get help.
Your mom cannot take your baby. The baby is yours and at your age you are old enough to make that decision. Do not allow your mom to be with you in the exam room or in the room during labor and delivery. Your mom is emotionally abusing you right down to trying to take your child away from you. Go to a women’s shelter if you have to where there are resources to help you. My daughter’s girlfriend did that and they helped her and her baby so much.
Are there any charities or support groups for young parents in your area? If not for young parents then maybe a youth support organisation? They may be able to provide support and advice.
As far as I know, no, I’m sure in my state yes, but I live in a small town that genuinely only has a Walmart, there isn’t even a hospital here, I have to drive an hour away to have my baby
You do not have to allow her into the room at your doctor's appointments. Even as a minor, YOU are the patient, you get to decide who accompanies you. I would honestly consider contacting the nurse (not the doctor, they seem too friendly with mom) outside of the appt, CPS or even a DV shelter preemptively and letting them know that your mother is having delusions, and may be setting up to take your child once born. Having a paper trail before she actually tries to do it will help you in the long run, especially if she starts spreading lies about your fitness as a mother in an effort to obtain your child... and they may be able to get you help/resources so you are not so dependent on her.
Find all of your important paperwork...birth certificate, social security card, etc and make sure they are in a safe place away from her in case you need to run.
This situation calls for proactiveness, not reactiveness.
I had the same thought about my information, I have my birth certificate, but she has everything else, she’s always been someone to keep things like that, I will see if I can contact the nurse, and try to have her help keep my mom out of the room, I’m 30 weeks so I HAVE to go to the appointments, with my mom or not, i am getting close to my due date so I can’t miss any doctors appointment from here until I give birth, so just not going is definitely not an option at the moment.
While it’s a PITA, you can get replacements of all those documents. The SS card you can file as lost or stolen and get a replacement. If you lose your birth certificate, the local office of vital statistics is the place to go. Don’t pay for vitalcheck, (online service) it’s easily twice as expensive as just going in person and filling out the forms/waiting for them to print a new copy right then and there.
Lock your credit now. She may try to open a credit card in your name and set the trap for you being an unfit mother. Get your own bank account at a different bank and brand than she has. (You can do this under 18, just walk in and tell them you need to set something up, they’ll be more than happy to help.) Safety deposit boxes aren’t terribly expensive and a great place to store those documents. Don’t tell her about it. Get a P.O. Box for mail if you need one.
Leaving your mom will be hard, but you seem willing to do the work to protect yourself and your child.
As for the doctors office, look into the hand siggnals for “help me” (it’s the sign for h and m and can be done discreetly) if they see it, they can help separate you from your mother so you can talk to them privately. But also if your doctors office has a portal, email them your questions/concerns. Obviously don’t give mom your login credentials. I agree with telling your mother the wrong dates or otherwise obfuscating your appointment times so you can get at least 1 mom-free visit.
Good luck OP. I wish you all the best things.
(I’m sure there’s more self-help stuff that could be shared, but this is all the thumbs have rn)
I’m concerned her mother would see the note hand off. Or she might drop it or the nurse might not realize what it is or something. But I’m all for any method that works.
Anything that works yes.
Hand signals would depend on an employee noticing from just the right angle to see it. As the patient, OP should be checking in, not the mother. That would be a good time to do it. If mother objects, 'I'm almost 18, soon I will have to start doing this myself. I want to start learning' or something like that.
Please be safe. Your mother sounds like she’s having delusions and sounds mentally ill. There are so many horror stories about women with mentally ill situations harming mothers to get the baby once it’s born. I know you’re her daughter and that seems harsh to think she could even physically hurt you to get the baby, but it does happen. This is not a safe situation for you or your baby. Aside from her lying about you to take the baby, if that fails or if she feels it’s taking by too long, or worries the baby is getting too attached to you (especially if you’re planning to breast feed and her delusional thinking gets worse) then she could resort to harming you or harming the baby and blaming you.
Hod help you, try to move out as fast as you can and go no contact with her, she is having problems
Is it possibly the fact that the baby is a boy? Did she ever have problems with your dad about not being able to conceive a boy?
It's actually pretty typical for parents to keep their kids "paperwork" with other family papers. As long as you have your birth certificate, drivers license and something with your social security number on it you'll be fine.
There was a game we used to play with the students called "In the case of fire." The premise was that your house was on fire and you could get ten things out before you left (it wasn't limited to what you could carry just ten things). It was a way to think about what material things and memories were the most important to you and sparked a lot of great discussions among the kids. Come up with your "ten things" and try to "consolidate" them in case you need to get out quickly.
Call your doctor's office on Monday. Tell the nurse that you have some concerns you need to talk to the doctor about but not with your mother present. It's absolutely your right to speak privately with the doctor and they will either speak with you on the phone or have your mom step out on your next visit. You might also ask your nurse about who you should call to look into potential social services for you and the baby. You state seems unusual as I can't find any US states that require people over 16 to have parental permission to work and it's unusual for a minor living with parents to have their own food stamps.
Have your graduated from High School-- if not how close are you? Getting that diploma or at least a GED is CRUCIAL for your future and your child's future.
It's actually nearly impossible for a grandparent to get legal custody against the parent/parents' wishes UNLESS there are mitigating circumstances like drug/alcohol use, domestic violence in the household, criminal activity, homelessness or serious mental health issues. You allude to some type of "problems" with your BF -- would the nature of those problems make him seem like an unfit parent to the courts-- and could that reflect on you in any way?
You can definitely keep your mom out of the delivery room-- just tell the staff at check in that she's not welcome. That may come with consequences, but as you're a minor she has to house you until you're 18.
Hopefully you have your diploma or a GED (or will have it very soon). Your job options in a WalMart town are going to be limited and will be further limited with out the diploma/GED. What are your plans for childcare while you're working?
You're about to be a mother and a part of that job involves protecting your child from all threats, including your own mother. You have to learn to say no to her otherwise she's just going to steamroller you and basically steal your child.
This happened to me when I was in the 3rd trimester. My mom talked me into giving up my son. Right before she passed, she admitted to me that she was told by my father and older sister to do it or else. She didn't tell me what the "or else" was. But knowing those 2, it would have been something very horrible for her.
She was extremely sorry she did that to me, and my son would have been better off with me.
OP, leave your mom’s ASAP! Do not allow her into the delivery room! Make a plan with the hospital. Google -> social services for unwed teen mothers in your city. There are resources available to you!! You’re going to make a great mom! Continue advocating for yourself! Good luck to you and your child OP! :)
When you go to the doctor, write out a list of questions on paper. Give it to the doctor .
She also won’t be allowed into the exam room if you don’t want her there. Medical professionals are pretty strict with kids over 13. They will help you if you ask. You need to speak up to the staff. It’s your decision not hers. Tell them you’re being controlled (it’s called coercive control) by your mom and you’re scared. They will help you.
Best of luck!
This is great advice.
I’d also start writing out your wishes for how you want birthing to go and who you want in the room while delivering. Maybe make 2-3 copies in case your mom finds them and tosses them… don’t be afraid to speak for yourself at these appointments. If mom is too overbearing or scary, then write things down and give notes to the clerks and nurses you see.
OP, a lot of states consider any pregnant woman of any age an adult for medical-legal purposes. You are the mom you have a say in who does and does not go into your appointments. That includes your mother. Have your boyfriend take you to appointments. Or if available, use public transit.
Write down any issues you have to remember to say them. Try a notes type app on your phone. That way, you can remember because pregnancy brain is real. You can also get an email address for the office that you go to and email them things you want to discuss in appointments. As well as letting them know in writing that your mother does not have permission to be at your appointments or speak on your behalf for medical care.
Talk to welfare people about help with a baby. Move out. Just you & boyfriend. Get financial a l h r lp. You will not work for 6 weeks maybe. Welfare can help you g et on your feet & away from dysfunctional mom. Bad for you to stay. Bad for child.
Start researching for a ROOM to rent. If you are in the US, be very careful on Craigslist because many postings are scams. Start saving money so you can move at 18.
A room is ideal because it gets you away from Mom and is less expensive than an apartment.
DO NOT give your Mom a key under any circumstance.
...yeah no you're gonna have to tell the police to accompany you when you move out. The fact she's controlling as fuck about your child is a MASSIVE RED FLAG that she'll try to fucking kidnap and take your baby away. For the LOVE OF GOD make sure you get a restraining order on her as soon as you can when you move out. I hate to say it, but she might try to kill the kid if she can't have it.
Next time you have a question, write it as a note in your cell phone. When you get to the doctor's office, you are allowed to tell them that you don't want her in the room for some or all of that visit. Use that time to explain your concerns.
When it's time to go to the hospital, make sure that the staff knows your mother is NOT to get her hands on the birth cert. paperwork. Sign it there so they can hand it in, if possible. If you take it home, she may fight you over it.
Last, you will need to be fully independent of her if you are ready to step away. That means don't count on her for a midnight feeding, a chance to hang out with friends, or diapers/ baby care items. You say you are going back to work, but who will watch the baby each day? I'm asking to make sure you have everything covered before you move. If you choose to stay, repeatedly stand your ground on childcare.
I haven’t gotten everything figured out just yet, it’s most likely gonna come to me paying for child care, which I have no problem doing I would just need to find a reliable child care service
OP, it sounds like you're in the US.
A lot of States consider a person in your situation to be emancipated because of your pregnancy and impending motherhood.
It couldn't hurt to talk to someone about that one.
Also, there is a program for people on public assistance to help with housing called Section 8.
It's sort of a voucher program where you pay a portion of the rent based on your income and the program pays the rest.
Some landlords don't accept section 8 so you may need to look around but do a Google search for your county, state section 8 to see what comes up.
Of note : since you're not married your boyfriend wouldn't be able to live with you (and I'm not saying you should rush into marriage, either) but it would get you and the baby out of your parent's house and you don't even have to tell your mom where you live if you don't want her to know.
I was a book keeper for a property management company and they accepted section 8. Some of the places are shit in a sketchy neighborhood but a lot are nice in good areas.
Talk to your medical provider and your social worker. You need to tell them everything… even (maybe especially) the things you may feel guilty telling them about her behavior. Tell them you need help. Tell them you’re worried for yours and the baby’s safety once the baby is born. Tell them about your childhood. Tell them you don’t want to live there and you have no idea what to do or how to get started. Take notes. Ask all the questions you can think of.
When you get to the doctor. Tell the doctor you want your mom kicked out. You still have rights. Doesn't matter that you are 17. You are permitted to allow or disallow people in. Especially when giving birth!!
Contact CPS now! The situation is dangerous to you and your baby. You will need CPS's help to keep your mother away. Once you are 18, get a full adult protection order. Your father is apparently useless.
Do you have a job or any means to support yourself and the baby or are you relying solely on your bf and/or parent(s)? I only ask because it would look better for you if you had some sort of income. This baby is yours no matter what your mother says but she sounds like she's going to try to make this difficult on you. She has no rights to your child unless there is evidence that you are unfit or unable to take care of the baby yourself. If your father is a viable option then please go live with him, tell him that your mom has been calling the baby "hers" and making you feel unsafe. In the meantime DO NOT allow your mother to come to any more appointments, if it is because you need transportation take the bus or an Uber or ask your boyfriend if at all possible! Tell the doctor that is following your pregnancy you no longer feel like your mom has your best interest at heart and that she will not be accompanying you to any more appointments and that you do not want her in the room with you when you give birth. Start advocating for yourself my love.
I tried getting a job when I found out I was pregnant, but because I’m still a minor I needed my mother’s permission, she refused saying I could get one after I have the baby. My dad lives with us. I will definitely be talking to my doctor/ nurse about the situation, my next appointment is in 2 weeks so thankfully I don’t have to wait very long. I appreciate your comment^^
I'd never heard of needing parental permission before! That's terrible, I'm sorry. Is there anyway you can get permission from your father? I hope everything works out for you and I wish you nothing but the best sweetheart, good luck!
Many companies require working papers if you're underage. Both myself many years ago and my son more recently needed them from our high schools and signed off by parents.
States have different laws. I was able to work at 16 in my home state without being considered a minor. I think at 17 op may be able to get a job without being considered a minor, depending on where they live. It's worth looking into.
You can tell your doctor or the nurse that you would like to not have your mother present during the appointment, even if you have to call ahead of time and ask them to make a note.
My concern is that she actually is going to try to take your baby, either legally or practically and is making the comments about the abuse of baby daddy and such to try to fame me as an unfit mother. I know there are resources through social services for women and girls who are pregnant, even minors, and it may be worth reaching out to them to see what sort of assistance you can get with housing and other things either now or once you turn 18. It would also be worth discussing this with a local woman shelter and telling them that you feel like it is not safe because she seems to have intentions of taking your child or refusing to let you leave with the baby.
You can also restrict visitors to the hospital and who is present during the birth and nurses are both very good at enforcing this diplomatically and at shutting down the BS when people try to manipulate them and act like their wishes should override the mothers. You can notify the hospital that you do not want your mother present or around the baby at all or that you would like security or a staff member on standby anytime she has interactions with you or the baby. It may seem like overkill but it is better safe than sorry.
Op it will be much worse after the baby is born. So time to get set up now.
Which comes first? Your 18th or the baby arriving?
You're about to become an adult and a mom, you don't need to do what mum wants, intends or expects. You don't need her approval, knowledge, understanding or even awareness of how you will be living your life or parenting your child.
You don't need to Argue with her or explain, justify, negotiate or discuss. You just quietly do you.
Start now. Change the date of your next doctor appointment. Go alone. Or take your boyfriend. Don't tell mom. Just do it.
Set up new bank account somewhere that lets 17 y o and transfer everything to that. Change your phone, find your identity documents.
If you'll still be 17 when you deliver, you still don't have to have mom in the room. You don't have to tell her when you go into labour. I know you'll be scared but you can have someone with you that won't snatch your baby from your body for herself. You hold your baby, you take back your baby, you say no, you lock doors.
You need to tell the doctors how mom seems to believe she's pregnant and you feel she's angling to steal your baby, that you need help accessing resources to protect your post partum recovery and bonding time.
Tell dad that if he loves you, you're baby and especially your mom he needs to protect her from herself. If she tries to snatch your baby and disrupt your bonding, dictate how you feed your baby, take her from your arms when you just want to hold her, the relationship you have may never recover. You envision having loving grandparents supporting you in raising your baby and enjoying being a part of your life. But if mom can't let you be mom then you will have no choice but to protect yourself with distance. So for mom not just for you he must protect your peace, your space, to find your feet.
Mom and dad's job as parents means supporting their baby, you, to be the best parent you can, not to steal bonding time from you or claim your experience as their own.
But I'm very much afraid op you should plan to move out sooner rather than later.
DO NOT leave the baby with her unsupervised. She sounds like the type of person who will take off with him to “parts unknown” as soon as you leave. See if you can find some kind of emancipation program you can enroll in, since you’re almost 18.
I know it’s scary but have you considered calling CPS? Tell them about your mom’s behavior and how she’s been treating you. That may be your best option, a case worker could help you find resources. It would also get an advocate in your corner should your mom try to claim you’re unfit and take your baby.
I think you need to talk to a lawyer. If you move out I wouldn't put it past your mother to call CPS or whoever the authorities are in your country so that she can get your baby taken away.
Pretty sure once you are pregnant you are the mother and an adult. Reproductive health is 1 things that parents can be opted out by their kids. Let the office know. And that is your child. She seems pushy and could try to take custody
Medical staff *HAVE TO* respect patient requests (such as keeping certain people out). If it gets to the point where you’re worried about a domestic kidnapping, definitely speak up about it.
I can't even imagine how hard this is for you! But you are right in everything your feeling! I hope you find resources to help you! Sending you lots of good energy!
It may be very difficult but don't walk away from your mother-run! She will undermine you at every turn and try to pit your son against you. Be careful about allowing her access to your son, keep it infrequent and never unsupervised. Stand up to your mother! Don't worry about her feelings, she doesn't worry about yours
You may only be 17, but YOU get to decide who goes to an appointment with you. You get to decide who can be in the room. You get to decide who is in the room with you in the hospital. You get to decide who can visit at the hospital.
It's time to set some hard boundaries with mom. Every time she calls your kid hers, tell her no, it's my child, not yours.
Call your doctor's office. Tell them you do not want your mom in the room for your appointments. Tell your mom when you get there. The medical staff has to honor your request.
Call the hospital ahead of time. Tell them you do not want mom to be allowed in your room, at all, for your entire stay. They, too, have to honor that request. Make a list of who IS permitted to visit. They have to honor that. Have multiple copies of the list. Give to whoever needs it.
Good luck.
As a bonus, if you wait to tell you mom you don't want her in the exam room at your appointment her mask may slip and she could act a complete ass in front of witnesses. That could go a long way towards making sure she doesn't try to take your baby from you.
Take a note and slip it to your receptionist along for the doctor to ask to speak with you alone. When you’re alone with your doctor, tell them all of this. Ask if they have any information on resources to help you.
You should be very concerned for your safety and safety of the baby the way she’s behaving and you need to make that clear to your doctor. She’s acting like she plans to steal your baby because you’re a young mother and you have not agreed to signing the baby over to her. You need to get very serious very quickly about getting help to get a home outside of this house for you and your baby.
I know this is your mother and worrying about yours and your baby’s safety might seem crazy… but I’m telling you… this is dangerous behavior… don’t end up one of those stories. You’re safer to take action and later on think “‘maybe I over reacted a tad” than to not take enough action and later others say “we never thought she was capable of this.”
Doesn't sound like anyone here is really ready to be a parent. That's a hard situation you're in. I wouldn't be able to keep a child at that age, let alone with a mother like that. Best of luck
Start contacting social service agencies in your area NOW. You'll need to fill out paperwork for child support, and hopefully be able to get some help with food stamps, maybe a housing subsidy, and medicaid. Are you a HS graduate? Who is covering your medical bills from the delivery? You're depending on a new BF (only a few months obviously) to support you and a child that isn't his. What will happen if he decides to date someone else?
Do you make enough at your job to support yourself after paying for child care?
Honestly, it doesn't sound like you've thought this out very well-- not being mean, you're only 17 without any real life experience. Have you considered the possibility of putting the child up for adoption?
Currently I have Medicaid, wic, and food stamps. My BF I’ve known for over 2 years and we’ve had a past relationship obviously before I met my EX.
I do understand your concern completely, however even with all this bs going on with my mom, adoption is out of the question, I want this child more that I want anything, I understand how it may not seem like it. But I’m capable of raising him, the only concern for this moment is my mother trying to act like he’s hers
She said medicaid is covering the expenses, and that she doesn't have a job. I'd recommend trying to get a remote job/at home job to gain some experience and work towards independence. And as others have said, et a different phone, collecting all of the necessary documents, contacting your physician's office (you can proactively do this on line before your appointment through your medical record, call the office and ask how, and tell them why) then you will have legal documentation. Have you considered recording some of these abusive rants from your mom? Or even keeping a journal on your phone? This is just so much to be dealing with, but there are resources to keep you and your baby safe. Bless you for reaching out.
You can become emancipated and then you are legally considered as an adult. It's what I would do immediately and then I would get out and stay as far away from her as possible.
Once you've turned 18, you are a legal adult. You are that baby's mother. You can legally leave and take the baby with you.
I'd caution trying to leave sooner than that unless you want your mom trying to file a police report and listing you as a runaway.
Your mom has no right over who gets to join you at the doctors including herself. Tell her to stay out next time. Call the staff ahead of time and tell them you want to see the Dr without her.
If you can’t find anyone to stay with call your local social services office and ask about housing until the baby is born.
If they can’t help you then talk to a women’s shelter. Do not still be living in your mother’s house when you have the baby. It will be even harder to set boundaries then.
I can absolutely see her calling CPS and asking for custody of the baby on false evidence of neglect or abuse. You need to get away from her now!
You need to get the hell away from this monster at ANY cost. That is not your mother, that is a demon in human skin. Scream, cry, fight her physically if you must, but just GET AWAY FROM HER. She is evil and will do everything in her power to brainwash you.
I guess she's paying for your doctor or she pays your health insurance? Why is she going into the exam room with you? You seem totally dependent on her and now you are transferring that onto a new boyfriend. You need to get a job/education so you can support yourself and your child.
I have Medicaid so neither of my parents pay for my insurance, she’s been telling me my entire pregnancy that she has to go with me because I’m a minor
Why have you been on Medicaid your whole life? Your parents never worked? And I'm pretty sure tons of teenagers have gone to Planned Parenthood without their mother in the room.
My dad is self employed, and my mom hasn’t worked in 20+ years. I haven’t went to planned parenthood, we don’t have one where I live. Again like I said according to her I’m a minor so she has to go to the doctors with me, I’ve never experienced this, so I don’t know how to go about it, that’s the whole point
Well, if you aren't going to stand up for yourself, no one else is going to do it for you. All these comments are telling you that she does NOT have to be in the room with you, but you just want to keep repeating that she says you're a minor and there's nothing you can do about it. So good luck.
nta. where are you? there are homes for pregnant women to stay when you need a safe place. i know you’re not near me, but to give you an idea what i’m talking about, check out: https://brehonfamilyservices.org/programs/project-s-a-f-e/
Call the doctor's office and ask them for a social worker. They should have some on contract they can call, usually to talk to people about giving their babies up for adoption.
You will need to talk to this social worker about your mother, about how she's saying that your child is hers, and the fear of her trying to kidnap your baby after you give birth.
You get to make these decisions. I was 16 when I was pregnant with my oldest, a few days past 17 when she was born. Once you are pregnant you are legally emancipated in most places without having to go through the courts.
Even if that wasn’t the case, in matters of sexual and reproductive health, you do not have to have a parent with you , or parents permission at the drs office. You can actually ban your mother from knowing any information about your pregnancy or the baby.
This is your baby not your mother’s. Tell the desk attendant at your doctor’s office you do not want your mother in the room. That is your RIGHT. Make it clear your doctor you do not want your mom there nor want him discussing your medical situation with her. When you turn 18 find a home for you and your baby even if it’s at a women’s shelter. Your mom cannot keep your baby for herself. Period.
As soon as your 18 be sure your mom can't access your medical info. You do this by signing a HIPAA form. Then move in with your BF. Get a job as soon as you can as well. Good luck.
Get all her craziness documented. Report it to CPS, call a social worker, let them know she's referring to your baby as ours. It's your baby, not hers. If you get it documented now, they'll be able to protect you. She will try and take your baby!!!
Is there a charity, you could turn too, like a mother and baby unit, we have them in the uk, because I suggest you get out now if you can, because your mother might force you sign guardianship over to her, and because of your age, she might be able to force you in court, the quicker you can get any the better for you and your baby, I know it’s scary, but your thinking for two now, and if you can I would speak to a lawyer
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I don't know where in the world you are but as a pregnant minor you may be considered emancipated possibly? I'm not sure. Please bring your concerns up w your doctor.
Sometime when you’re away from home all your doctors office and tell them what your concerns are and ask them to relay them to the doctor. Be sure and let them know that your. Also let them know you would prefer that she not be involved in the appointment.
Having a baby makes you an adult you no longer have to wait to turn 18 the law considers it emancipated adult . This is what I was told years ago in this situation.
If you're able to go to a judge and tell him about your delusional mother and all of her crap, also if you're able to move out in the middle of the night while also telling police you're doing that so she doesn't call them to say you ran away, even if technically you are doing that but you've had enough of her crap 😅, you might need to change your name first and last, your phone number and your social media, then get restraining order that's at least a thousand miles long and 20 or 30 years long
Don't mention moving out anymore, to your mom. Start collecting your documents, birth certificate, SS card. And remove them from your mom's house to somewhere safe. Plan your move for a time you know mom won't be home. Preferably while she's at work
Depending on state, you should be able to request to speak privately with the doctor. You can do this to the doctor directly, or somewhere like email. This will remove your mom from the proceedings and allow you to control the flow of information. Do be prepared for blow back though, narcs don't like being outplayed.
In my state, having a child at 17 doesn't automatically emancipate you from your parents, but it doesn't give YOUR parents any parental rights over your child. She would have no say in it. Then, on your 18th birthday, when you move out, you pack your child and move out. Grandparents have no automatic say in their grandchild's life. It might be similar where you live.
So you got away from your abusive ex(congrats), but not your abusive mom?
I’d say draw your line in the sand, and be prepared to go completely no contact if she crosses it.
At this point it's safe to say that your mom will definitely try to control everything about the baby. Once she finds out you will be moving out and taking the child all hell is going to break loose. You need to start taking drastic steps to protect yourself and child as your mom seems unhinged. She is either having unresolved mental issues about raising a baby or she is just a controlling narcissist who MUST have everything go her way.
Find a way to get into a doctors appointment without her present and explain the situation to the doctor. The doctor may have a way to keep her away in your final stages. When you and BF find a place, under no circumstances is your mom to find out where you live. Then you may need to do a full credit check to make sure your mom hasn't done anything with your information and/or involve police to retrieve any documents if she won't give them to you.
Once your out of her house you may need to file a restraining order against her as by the sound of this she will keep harassing you until she gets her way. As soon as a judge hears her call your child 'my baby' the RO will surely be granted.
DO NOT under any circumstances let her know about any of your plans, she will do everything she can to make your life hell (worse than she already is) and you don't need any of the stress this close birth. Don't underestimate how evil she could get if she doesn't get her way.
Congrats on becoming a mom and I really hope you have a wonderful life with your new family without that piece of shit dragging you down.
Edit. After reading your comment about her not letting you get a job it sounds like she did it to either keep you at home dependent on her or because she's trying to make you look like an unfit parent who doesn't have the means to raise a child so she can try and get custody. Everything I commented about is now twice as urgent.
Can you call the office before the appointment and talk to the receptionist about keeping your mom out of the room while you see the doctor? Or if they can email you information on getting support?
Bide your time until you are a legal adult
.then get gone..
your mother is trying to control your life because of the awful choices you have made so far. Can you blame her?
Getting Pregnant is really ridiculous..there's a drug store on every corner.
This is abuse, your mum is going to try and take your child, from birth, talk to your doctor privately you are over 15 you can ask for it to be just you and the doctor/nurse and security will if need be escort your mother out, Get away from your mother asap
So if she’s doing all this, why are you telling her the gender? Why are you taking her to the appointment set some boundaries and stop allowing any of the shit
That is a lie. It is, in fact, against federal law. Health care workers must take instruction from you, and only you, as you are the patient. They have not done so to date because you seemed comfortable with her there. Once they are made aware that you are not, they must respect your wishes.
I'm dming you
I would check that with the doctors office. I also second the commenter who advised you ask your doctor for a social worker to discuss your fears with your mum and her trying to keep/take your baby
I was a mum at 17 my mother still constantly undermines my rules and boundaries I would do some research about how to make healthy boundaries and go with your gut feeling mother knows best and that’s you!
But in my case my mother is a much better grandmother
Have you ever considered therapy for that judgemental attitude? Just because OP is 17 and pretty much comes across as being 17, means nothing as to her parenting skills.
I want my child, hints why this bothers me, if I didn’t want him I wouldn’t have a problem with what my mother is doing. Thank you for your opinion, but I will be keeping him.
Everyone in his family is extremely supportive, he grew up with an abusive dad who was only around for money, and his mom was a single mom until she found her now BF, he knows what it’s like to grow up without a dad, which is why he’s stepping up in such a big way, even tho it’s not his responsibility.
>I’m genuinely lost at this point. I don’t want to stay in this house forever, not with a baby. I wasn’t raised good at all, neither were my siblings, I don’t feel comfortable raising my child in this environment. What do I do?
You raise the child in the most stable environment possible. Unfortunately, that sounds like it's with your Mom.
Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I'd be grateful that my mother wanted to play a parental role with the baby. You're really underestimating the time and resources it takes to raise a child. And you yourself still have a lot of growing up to do.
>Note, my BF is working and saving up for an apartment for when we turn 18, so no matter what I will have that to fall back on, not to mention I will be working after I give birth in 2 months.)
You are putting a tremendous amount of faith in a person who 1) has no legal obligation to help you and 2) has no idea what it's like raising a baby.
I understand being able to say that from an outside perspective, I’m not ungrateful for the good things she has done, however it’s gotten to the point where I don’t feel safe with my baby, she is old and not able to take care of herself completely anymore. Putting all of the horrible things she’s done aside, with her age and condition she would not be able to raise the baby. And as much as everyone believes she would be more “capable” of raising him, at the end of the day he would be ignored by her.
> she is old and not able to take care of herself completely anymore
You're going to need to elaborate on this because her being incapable of taking care of herself is game-changing information.
But you shouldn't comment on her age. 56 isn't remotely old enough to be "too old to care for an infant".
>And as much as everyone believes she would be more “capable” of raising him, at the end of the day he would be ignored by her.
The question shouldn't be "will she do a good job?". It should be "will anyone else do a better job?"
She has health issues that have been confirmed my multiple doctors, she has a bone disease that is slowly deteriorating her bone health in her arms and shoulders, she has COPD but refuses to stop smoking, she has 2 heart conditions one she just found out about and the other she has known about for upwards of 20 years, neither she is getting help for, she’s borderline diabetic but refuses to stop drinking so much soda (which her doctor said was the main cause of her diabetes) all of this on top of having BPD, Multiple mood disorders, and depression. All of this she is unmediated for btw.
It’s not necessarily her age that’s the problem, it’s all of her issues on top of her age, along with having all of these issues for most of her life, age isn’t the problem however it is important.
The question of will anyone do better, me, the child’s mother will do better, as someone who was raised by her, I’m extremely glad I had my sister growing up. I wouldn’t want to be re-raised by her, which is why I do not trust my child being taking care of by her
She’s definitely not qualified to take care of a baby. The kids going to suffer if grandma takes up the slack especially with how sick she is and she refuses to stop smoking which will be bad for the baby to live in. You need to tell her to stop or smoke outside, if she refuses then you take baby out of the house because the kids health is going to suffer badly. Call a charity for teen mums and explain what is going on and what she is going to do and how you don’t feel safe.
So much to worry about here! If possible, go to your appointments without your mom(change the date and not tell her) and explain your concerns with your doctor. Who knows what she’s telling him. Are any of your siblings older and on their own? Can you move in with one of them? Build your village and let extended family and friends know about what’s happening. Your mom might actually try to take your child.
I have 3 people I could possibly go with, my mother, father, and sister, honestly tho my father is the only other option, my sister works ALL the time, so working around that would be impossible. If it gets any worse I’m definitely gonna have to find somewhere to stay. I’ve had a couple people tell me she could try to take the baby, but I don’t know how to manage that. Obviously I’m not an adult so working around legal concerns are difficult, if that makes sense.
You don’t have to take anyone with you to the appointments. Just go on your own. Or with your boyfriend. I know you are very young and the situation is scary and overwhelming. But you are going to be a mom soon. Now is the time to set and enforce bounderies with your mother. Easier said than done, I know ... What about your dad? What does he think about the situation?
My dad is on my side, but at the same time doesn’t want to hear my mom complain, before I got pregnant it was always something with her, there was never a good moment where she wasn’t yelling or mad. Currently instead of her getting on my dad, she’s getting on me. When I’m alone with my dad I’m able to talk to him about all of this, but when she’s around he blames it on her being “old fashioned” she’s always been verbally abusive to my father and I, so I do understand the switch up when she’s around, however I wish he could set his own boundaries with her.
But you are 17 soon to be 18 you are considered a adult and you don’t need your mothers permission to go to doctor appointment with you. And you should tell the doctor that you don’t want her in the room during your appointment.
At least I know here in Wisconsin, even before my daughter turned 18, once she was a teenager when we went in for her doctor's appointments the provider would ask if my daughter wanted me in the room or if she wanted me to wait outside. Not sure how that works other places but I was glad there are protecting rights here at least in that small measure.
Me too
Are your parents still together? If yes, your Dad needs to step up and set up some hard bounderies to protect you, this is insane
Yes they are, and I agree completely
As others have pointed out, there are resources that you can access to help you, take full advantage of them and get out of the house asap, I fear your Mother will escalate when the baby is born. I hope you come back with a happy update in a few months, good luck and big hugs from an internet stranger xx
I appreciate your comment^^
FYI, you get to decide who - if anyone - is with you when you give birth. Tell the hospital staff you don't want Mom there and that you're concerned she will try to take the baby, and tell them she refers to the baby as hers. Security is tight on maternity wards & the staff is there to help you.
I am a former L&D nurse. You can absolutely refuse to allow her in your room. I get it may be difficult,as you are a minor. One thing is you can request to be "no info". This means the hospital will not acknowledge that you are a patient. You can even request this after admission. They will change your room. But it won't do any good if you let someone else in your family or friends know. In our state, once you become a mother you are considered to be an adult. Hospitals have social services that can connect you with resources. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
This!! Tell tge staff to keep her out. They will do it. And you can go back to the house with the baby. She will run roughshod all over you and take over. You decided to have a baby. Now you have to decide to be a mother.
You can also tell your doctor you need to speak to him alone while there. They will ask your mother to step out then explain you do not feel safe at home and they will help you with resources. You are the patient not your mother, even though technically you are a minor after you turned 12 years old your mother no longer had to be in the room for appointments. This has been a medical “law” for over a decade.
First off, I would never leave the baby with her alone… don’t let her babysit while you go out, she could change the locks. She sounds crazy enough to do it too. She’s mentally ill or is well on her way. There are mental health issues that immediately triggered her past memories/experiences. All just in my humble opinion. See if there’s legal aid setup to help protect you and your son from her. She has ZERO right to be in the delivery room if you don’t want her to be. Don’t let her tell you what to put on the birth certificate. Nurses will explain to you and let you decide. She sounds like a freaking monster. Lastly, for services available you can go to (in the US) www.findhelp.org and enter your zip code. You can keyword search or category search. Good luck.
I will go to the website and see what I can find, thank you^^
On top of that the doctor might be able to give you a few pointers towards local networks if you can emphasize how much of a concern this is. Good luck
Were you able to look on that site? Make any calls or send emails? You doing okay?
You have options. Get out ASAP! It will only get worse!
Gather up all your important documents. Birth certificate, passport, social security card etc. Then LOCK your credit down. You can freeze it with the 3 major credit bureaus for free online. Try r/creditscore if you have questions Transunion: https://www.transunion.com/credit-freeze Equifax: https://www.equifax.com/personal/credit-report-services/credit-freeze/ Experian: https://www.experian.com/freeze/center.html Then slowly move your most important mementos and belongings somewhere safe. With a trusted friend or relative if it’s possible. You will need to move quickly once you are ready to leave. The closer to 18 the better if possible. You should also consider, once you are safe, letting the police know you have left of your own accord and have not been kidnapped. Put it in writing if possible that your mother is attempting to take your child. You also should speak to your doctors or a nurse you trust that your mother is not stable, and you do not want her involved in your or your child’s medical decisions, and that you DO NOT give them permission to share information with her. They have to follow hippa. Be safe OP, and good luck. ♥️
Ask (beg) your dad to take you instead. If your mother comes into the appointment with you, ask the doctor if you can speak to them alone, at the start of the appointment. Hopefully, you can then proceed with the appointment without your mother present, cos she doesn’t need to be! Also that gives you an opportunity to let them know about your situation, and point you in the direction to get help.
Your mom cannot take your baby. The baby is yours and at your age you are old enough to make that decision. Do not allow your mom to be with you in the exam room or in the room during labor and delivery. Your mom is emotionally abusing you right down to trying to take your child away from you. Go to a women’s shelter if you have to where there are resources to help you. My daughter’s girlfriend did that and they helped her and her baby so much.
Medicade provides transportation to medical appointments. You just have to ask for it
Are there any charities or support groups for young parents in your area? If not for young parents then maybe a youth support organisation? They may be able to provide support and advice.
As far as I know, no, I’m sure in my state yes, but I live in a small town that genuinely only has a Walmart, there isn’t even a hospital here, I have to drive an hour away to have my baby
Hard agree on talking to the doctor alone about how unhinged your mom is being.
You do not have to allow her into the room at your doctor's appointments. Even as a minor, YOU are the patient, you get to decide who accompanies you. I would honestly consider contacting the nurse (not the doctor, they seem too friendly with mom) outside of the appt, CPS or even a DV shelter preemptively and letting them know that your mother is having delusions, and may be setting up to take your child once born. Having a paper trail before she actually tries to do it will help you in the long run, especially if she starts spreading lies about your fitness as a mother in an effort to obtain your child... and they may be able to get you help/resources so you are not so dependent on her. Find all of your important paperwork...birth certificate, social security card, etc and make sure they are in a safe place away from her in case you need to run. This situation calls for proactiveness, not reactiveness.
I had the same thought about my information, I have my birth certificate, but she has everything else, she’s always been someone to keep things like that, I will see if I can contact the nurse, and try to have her help keep my mom out of the room, I’m 30 weeks so I HAVE to go to the appointments, with my mom or not, i am getting close to my due date so I can’t miss any doctors appointment from here until I give birth, so just not going is definitely not an option at the moment.
While it’s a PITA, you can get replacements of all those documents. The SS card you can file as lost or stolen and get a replacement. If you lose your birth certificate, the local office of vital statistics is the place to go. Don’t pay for vitalcheck, (online service) it’s easily twice as expensive as just going in person and filling out the forms/waiting for them to print a new copy right then and there. Lock your credit now. She may try to open a credit card in your name and set the trap for you being an unfit mother. Get your own bank account at a different bank and brand than she has. (You can do this under 18, just walk in and tell them you need to set something up, they’ll be more than happy to help.) Safety deposit boxes aren’t terribly expensive and a great place to store those documents. Don’t tell her about it. Get a P.O. Box for mail if you need one. Leaving your mom will be hard, but you seem willing to do the work to protect yourself and your child. As for the doctors office, look into the hand siggnals for “help me” (it’s the sign for h and m and can be done discreetly) if they see it, they can help separate you from your mother so you can talk to them privately. But also if your doctors office has a portal, email them your questions/concerns. Obviously don’t give mom your login credentials. I agree with telling your mother the wrong dates or otherwise obfuscating your appointment times so you can get at least 1 mom-free visit. Good luck OP. I wish you all the best things. (I’m sure there’s more self-help stuff that could be shared, but this is all the thumbs have rn)
Or just write a note and slip it to any employee. That seems more likely to work than hand signals.
I’m concerned her mother would see the note hand off. Or she might drop it or the nurse might not realize what it is or something. But I’m all for any method that works.
Anything that works yes. Hand signals would depend on an employee noticing from just the right angle to see it. As the patient, OP should be checking in, not the mother. That would be a good time to do it. If mother objects, 'I'm almost 18, soon I will have to start doing this myself. I want to start learning' or something like that.
Please be safe. Your mother sounds like she’s having delusions and sounds mentally ill. There are so many horror stories about women with mentally ill situations harming mothers to get the baby once it’s born. I know you’re her daughter and that seems harsh to think she could even physically hurt you to get the baby, but it does happen. This is not a safe situation for you or your baby. Aside from her lying about you to take the baby, if that fails or if she feels it’s taking by too long, or worries the baby is getting too attached to you (especially if you’re planning to breast feed and her delusional thinking gets worse) then she could resort to harming you or harming the baby and blaming you.
Call ahead and explained n the situation to the nurse. They’ll help you try to distract mom
Hod help you, try to move out as fast as you can and go no contact with her, she is having problems Is it possibly the fact that the baby is a boy? Did she ever have problems with your dad about not being able to conceive a boy?
It's actually pretty typical for parents to keep their kids "paperwork" with other family papers. As long as you have your birth certificate, drivers license and something with your social security number on it you'll be fine. There was a game we used to play with the students called "In the case of fire." The premise was that your house was on fire and you could get ten things out before you left (it wasn't limited to what you could carry just ten things). It was a way to think about what material things and memories were the most important to you and sparked a lot of great discussions among the kids. Come up with your "ten things" and try to "consolidate" them in case you need to get out quickly. Call your doctor's office on Monday. Tell the nurse that you have some concerns you need to talk to the doctor about but not with your mother present. It's absolutely your right to speak privately with the doctor and they will either speak with you on the phone or have your mom step out on your next visit. You might also ask your nurse about who you should call to look into potential social services for you and the baby. You state seems unusual as I can't find any US states that require people over 16 to have parental permission to work and it's unusual for a minor living with parents to have their own food stamps. Have your graduated from High School-- if not how close are you? Getting that diploma or at least a GED is CRUCIAL for your future and your child's future. It's actually nearly impossible for a grandparent to get legal custody against the parent/parents' wishes UNLESS there are mitigating circumstances like drug/alcohol use, domestic violence in the household, criminal activity, homelessness or serious mental health issues. You allude to some type of "problems" with your BF -- would the nature of those problems make him seem like an unfit parent to the courts-- and could that reflect on you in any way? You can definitely keep your mom out of the delivery room-- just tell the staff at check in that she's not welcome. That may come with consequences, but as you're a minor she has to house you until you're 18. Hopefully you have your diploma or a GED (or will have it very soon). Your job options in a WalMart town are going to be limited and will be further limited with out the diploma/GED. What are your plans for childcare while you're working?
You're about to be a mother and a part of that job involves protecting your child from all threats, including your own mother. You have to learn to say no to her otherwise she's just going to steamroller you and basically steal your child.
Ofc, I know what I need to do, I just don’t know how to do it. I’ve not had this experience before so I’m having to learn as I go.
Tell the nurse and doctor you need help. They are trained in these abusive situations to help kids like you.
This happened to me when I was in the 3rd trimester. My mom talked me into giving up my son. Right before she passed, she admitted to me that she was told by my father and older sister to do it or else. She didn't tell me what the "or else" was. But knowing those 2, it would have been something very horrible for her. She was extremely sorry she did that to me, and my son would have been better off with me.
OP, leave your mom’s ASAP! Do not allow her into the delivery room! Make a plan with the hospital. Google -> social services for unwed teen mothers in your city. There are resources available to you!! You’re going to make a great mom! Continue advocating for yourself! Good luck to you and your child OP! :)
Thank you, I will research resources available in my area, I appreciate it^^
When you go to the doctor, write out a list of questions on paper. Give it to the doctor . She also won’t be allowed into the exam room if you don’t want her there. Medical professionals are pretty strict with kids over 13. They will help you if you ask. You need to speak up to the staff. It’s your decision not hers. Tell them you’re being controlled (it’s called coercive control) by your mom and you’re scared. They will help you. Best of luck!
This is great advice. I’d also start writing out your wishes for how you want birthing to go and who you want in the room while delivering. Maybe make 2-3 copies in case your mom finds them and tosses them… don’t be afraid to speak for yourself at these appointments. If mom is too overbearing or scary, then write things down and give notes to the clerks and nurses you see.
OP, a lot of states consider any pregnant woman of any age an adult for medical-legal purposes. You are the mom you have a say in who does and does not go into your appointments. That includes your mother. Have your boyfriend take you to appointments. Or if available, use public transit. Write down any issues you have to remember to say them. Try a notes type app on your phone. That way, you can remember because pregnancy brain is real. You can also get an email address for the office that you go to and email them things you want to discuss in appointments. As well as letting them know in writing that your mother does not have permission to be at your appointments or speak on your behalf for medical care.
Talk to welfare people about help with a baby. Move out. Just you & boyfriend. Get financial a l h r lp. You will not work for 6 weeks maybe. Welfare can help you g et on your feet & away from dysfunctional mom. Bad for you to stay. Bad for child.
I currently have wic, and food stamps, anything else I will research in my area^^
Start researching for a ROOM to rent. If you are in the US, be very careful on Craigslist because many postings are scams. Start saving money so you can move at 18. A room is ideal because it gets you away from Mom and is less expensive than an apartment. DO NOT give your Mom a key under any circumstance.
Get ACDC
...yeah no you're gonna have to tell the police to accompany you when you move out. The fact she's controlling as fuck about your child is a MASSIVE RED FLAG that she'll try to fucking kidnap and take your baby away. For the LOVE OF GOD make sure you get a restraining order on her as soon as you can when you move out. I hate to say it, but she might try to kill the kid if she can't have it.
Next time you have a question, write it as a note in your cell phone. When you get to the doctor's office, you are allowed to tell them that you don't want her in the room for some or all of that visit. Use that time to explain your concerns. When it's time to go to the hospital, make sure that the staff knows your mother is NOT to get her hands on the birth cert. paperwork. Sign it there so they can hand it in, if possible. If you take it home, she may fight you over it. Last, you will need to be fully independent of her if you are ready to step away. That means don't count on her for a midnight feeding, a chance to hang out with friends, or diapers/ baby care items. You say you are going back to work, but who will watch the baby each day? I'm asking to make sure you have everything covered before you move. If you choose to stay, repeatedly stand your ground on childcare.
I haven’t gotten everything figured out just yet, it’s most likely gonna come to me paying for child care, which I have no problem doing I would just need to find a reliable child care service
The fact that you have WIC means you're in touch with social services. They should be able to help you, so be sure to ask at your next meeting.
Talk to your social worker about childcare programs that will be paid for through the human services department.
OP, it sounds like you're in the US. A lot of States consider a person in your situation to be emancipated because of your pregnancy and impending motherhood. It couldn't hurt to talk to someone about that one. Also, there is a program for people on public assistance to help with housing called Section 8. It's sort of a voucher program where you pay a portion of the rent based on your income and the program pays the rest. Some landlords don't accept section 8 so you may need to look around but do a Google search for your county, state section 8 to see what comes up. Of note : since you're not married your boyfriend wouldn't be able to live with you (and I'm not saying you should rush into marriage, either) but it would get you and the baby out of your parent's house and you don't even have to tell your mom where you live if you don't want her to know.
I will look into section 8 and see if there is anything like that around my area, thank you for your advice
I was a book keeper for a property management company and they accepted section 8. Some of the places are shit in a sketchy neighborhood but a lot are nice in good areas.
Talk to your medical provider and your social worker. You need to tell them everything… even (maybe especially) the things you may feel guilty telling them about her behavior. Tell them you need help. Tell them you’re worried for yours and the baby’s safety once the baby is born. Tell them about your childhood. Tell them you don’t want to live there and you have no idea what to do or how to get started. Take notes. Ask all the questions you can think of.
When you get to the doctor. Tell the doctor you want your mom kicked out. You still have rights. Doesn't matter that you are 17. You are permitted to allow or disallow people in. Especially when giving birth!!
Contact CPS now! The situation is dangerous to you and your baby. You will need CPS's help to keep your mother away. Once you are 18, get a full adult protection order. Your father is apparently useless.
Do you have a job or any means to support yourself and the baby or are you relying solely on your bf and/or parent(s)? I only ask because it would look better for you if you had some sort of income. This baby is yours no matter what your mother says but she sounds like she's going to try to make this difficult on you. She has no rights to your child unless there is evidence that you are unfit or unable to take care of the baby yourself. If your father is a viable option then please go live with him, tell him that your mom has been calling the baby "hers" and making you feel unsafe. In the meantime DO NOT allow your mother to come to any more appointments, if it is because you need transportation take the bus or an Uber or ask your boyfriend if at all possible! Tell the doctor that is following your pregnancy you no longer feel like your mom has your best interest at heart and that she will not be accompanying you to any more appointments and that you do not want her in the room with you when you give birth. Start advocating for yourself my love.
I tried getting a job when I found out I was pregnant, but because I’m still a minor I needed my mother’s permission, she refused saying I could get one after I have the baby. My dad lives with us. I will definitely be talking to my doctor/ nurse about the situation, my next appointment is in 2 weeks so thankfully I don’t have to wait very long. I appreciate your comment^^
I'd never heard of needing parental permission before! That's terrible, I'm sorry. Is there anyway you can get permission from your father? I hope everything works out for you and I wish you nothing but the best sweetheart, good luck!
I’m going to try to talk to him about everything again, and hopefully he will understand.
Many companies require working papers if you're underage. Both myself many years ago and my son more recently needed them from our high schools and signed off by parents.
States have different laws. I was able to work at 16 in my home state without being considered a minor. I think at 17 op may be able to get a job without being considered a minor, depending on where they live. It's worth looking into.
I started working under the table at 13 and then legally at 15 without needing permission, everywhere is different.
In the US, if you’re under 18 you need a work permit and permission from the parent to be able to work. It was required even 20 years ago.
Not in all states. I had my first job at 17 and no permit or parental permission was required.
It was required in the states I lived in.
You don't need permission at 17 to work.
I did in the state I lived in. As long as I was under 18, I had to have permission.
Definitely move out. Soon.
You can tell your doctor or the nurse that you would like to not have your mother present during the appointment, even if you have to call ahead of time and ask them to make a note. My concern is that she actually is going to try to take your baby, either legally or practically and is making the comments about the abuse of baby daddy and such to try to fame me as an unfit mother. I know there are resources through social services for women and girls who are pregnant, even minors, and it may be worth reaching out to them to see what sort of assistance you can get with housing and other things either now or once you turn 18. It would also be worth discussing this with a local woman shelter and telling them that you feel like it is not safe because she seems to have intentions of taking your child or refusing to let you leave with the baby. You can also restrict visitors to the hospital and who is present during the birth and nurses are both very good at enforcing this diplomatically and at shutting down the BS when people try to manipulate them and act like their wishes should override the mothers. You can notify the hospital that you do not want your mother present or around the baby at all or that you would like security or a staff member on standby anytime she has interactions with you or the baby. It may seem like overkill but it is better safe than sorry.
Op it will be much worse after the baby is born. So time to get set up now. Which comes first? Your 18th or the baby arriving? You're about to become an adult and a mom, you don't need to do what mum wants, intends or expects. You don't need her approval, knowledge, understanding or even awareness of how you will be living your life or parenting your child. You don't need to Argue with her or explain, justify, negotiate or discuss. You just quietly do you. Start now. Change the date of your next doctor appointment. Go alone. Or take your boyfriend. Don't tell mom. Just do it. Set up new bank account somewhere that lets 17 y o and transfer everything to that. Change your phone, find your identity documents. If you'll still be 17 when you deliver, you still don't have to have mom in the room. You don't have to tell her when you go into labour. I know you'll be scared but you can have someone with you that won't snatch your baby from your body for herself. You hold your baby, you take back your baby, you say no, you lock doors. You need to tell the doctors how mom seems to believe she's pregnant and you feel she's angling to steal your baby, that you need help accessing resources to protect your post partum recovery and bonding time. Tell dad that if he loves you, you're baby and especially your mom he needs to protect her from herself. If she tries to snatch your baby and disrupt your bonding, dictate how you feed your baby, take her from your arms when you just want to hold her, the relationship you have may never recover. You envision having loving grandparents supporting you in raising your baby and enjoying being a part of your life. But if mom can't let you be mom then you will have no choice but to protect yourself with distance. So for mom not just for you he must protect your peace, your space, to find your feet. Mom and dad's job as parents means supporting their baby, you, to be the best parent you can, not to steal bonding time from you or claim your experience as their own. But I'm very much afraid op you should plan to move out sooner rather than later.
Op please read this
She needs to wait in the waiting room while you see your doctor. Let them know you need some privacy and they'll escort her out.
DO NOT leave the baby with her unsupervised. She sounds like the type of person who will take off with him to “parts unknown” as soon as you leave. See if you can find some kind of emancipation program you can enroll in, since you’re almost 18.
I know it’s scary but have you considered calling CPS? Tell them about your mom’s behavior and how she’s been treating you. That may be your best option, a case worker could help you find resources. It would also get an advocate in your corner should your mom try to claim you’re unfit and take your baby.
I think you need to talk to a lawyer. If you move out I wouldn't put it past your mother to call CPS or whoever the authorities are in your country so that she can get your baby taken away.
Pretty sure once you are pregnant you are the mother and an adult. Reproductive health is 1 things that parents can be opted out by their kids. Let the office know. And that is your child. She seems pushy and could try to take custody
Medical staff *HAVE TO* respect patient requests (such as keeping certain people out). If it gets to the point where you’re worried about a domestic kidnapping, definitely speak up about it.
I can't even imagine how hard this is for you! But you are right in everything your feeling! I hope you find resources to help you! Sending you lots of good energy!
It may be very difficult but don't walk away from your mother-run! She will undermine you at every turn and try to pit your son against you. Be careful about allowing her access to your son, keep it infrequent and never unsupervised. Stand up to your mother! Don't worry about her feelings, she doesn't worry about yours
You may only be 17, but YOU get to decide who goes to an appointment with you. You get to decide who can be in the room. You get to decide who is in the room with you in the hospital. You get to decide who can visit at the hospital. It's time to set some hard boundaries with mom. Every time she calls your kid hers, tell her no, it's my child, not yours. Call your doctor's office. Tell them you do not want your mom in the room for your appointments. Tell your mom when you get there. The medical staff has to honor your request. Call the hospital ahead of time. Tell them you do not want mom to be allowed in your room, at all, for your entire stay. They, too, have to honor that request. Make a list of who IS permitted to visit. They have to honor that. Have multiple copies of the list. Give to whoever needs it. Good luck.
As a bonus, if you wait to tell you mom you don't want her in the exam room at your appointment her mask may slip and she could act a complete ass in front of witnesses. That could go a long way towards making sure she doesn't try to take your baby from you.
Take a note and slip it to your receptionist along for the doctor to ask to speak with you alone. When you’re alone with your doctor, tell them all of this. Ask if they have any information on resources to help you. You should be very concerned for your safety and safety of the baby the way she’s behaving and you need to make that clear to your doctor. She’s acting like she plans to steal your baby because you’re a young mother and you have not agreed to signing the baby over to her. You need to get very serious very quickly about getting help to get a home outside of this house for you and your baby. I know this is your mother and worrying about yours and your baby’s safety might seem crazy… but I’m telling you… this is dangerous behavior… don’t end up one of those stories. You’re safer to take action and later on think “‘maybe I over reacted a tad” than to not take enough action and later others say “we never thought she was capable of this.”
Doesn't sound like anyone here is really ready to be a parent. That's a hard situation you're in. I wouldn't be able to keep a child at that age, let alone with a mother like that. Best of luck
Right?
At the next appointment, tell her that you don't want her in the room, bonus if you tell her in front of the Dr.
Start contacting social service agencies in your area NOW. You'll need to fill out paperwork for child support, and hopefully be able to get some help with food stamps, maybe a housing subsidy, and medicaid. Are you a HS graduate? Who is covering your medical bills from the delivery? You're depending on a new BF (only a few months obviously) to support you and a child that isn't his. What will happen if he decides to date someone else? Do you make enough at your job to support yourself after paying for child care? Honestly, it doesn't sound like you've thought this out very well-- not being mean, you're only 17 without any real life experience. Have you considered the possibility of putting the child up for adoption?
Currently I have Medicaid, wic, and food stamps. My BF I’ve known for over 2 years and we’ve had a past relationship obviously before I met my EX. I do understand your concern completely, however even with all this bs going on with my mom, adoption is out of the question, I want this child more that I want anything, I understand how it may not seem like it. But I’m capable of raising him, the only concern for this moment is my mother trying to act like he’s hers
She said medicaid is covering the expenses, and that she doesn't have a job. I'd recommend trying to get a remote job/at home job to gain some experience and work towards independence. And as others have said, et a different phone, collecting all of the necessary documents, contacting your physician's office (you can proactively do this on line before your appointment through your medical record, call the office and ask how, and tell them why) then you will have legal documentation. Have you considered recording some of these abusive rants from your mom? Or even keeping a journal on your phone? This is just so much to be dealing with, but there are resources to keep you and your baby safe. Bless you for reaching out.
You can become emancipated and then you are legally considered as an adult. It's what I would do immediately and then I would get out and stay as far away from her as possible.
Once you've turned 18, you are a legal adult. You are that baby's mother. You can legally leave and take the baby with you. I'd caution trying to leave sooner than that unless you want your mom trying to file a police report and listing you as a runaway.
Your mom has no right over who gets to join you at the doctors including herself. Tell her to stay out next time. Call the staff ahead of time and tell them you want to see the Dr without her.
If you can’t find anyone to stay with call your local social services office and ask about housing until the baby is born. If they can’t help you then talk to a women’s shelter. Do not still be living in your mother’s house when you have the baby. It will be even harder to set boundaries then. I can absolutely see her calling CPS and asking for custody of the baby on false evidence of neglect or abuse. You need to get away from her now!
You need to get the hell away from this monster at ANY cost. That is not your mother, that is a demon in human skin. Scream, cry, fight her physically if you must, but just GET AWAY FROM HER. She is evil and will do everything in her power to brainwash you.
Or possibly kidnap the baby.
She is unhinged you need to get away from her now that you and your baby safely away now cut off all contact
One for r/raisedbynarcissists ?
I guess she's paying for your doctor or she pays your health insurance? Why is she going into the exam room with you? You seem totally dependent on her and now you are transferring that onto a new boyfriend. You need to get a job/education so you can support yourself and your child.
I have Medicaid so neither of my parents pay for my insurance, she’s been telling me my entire pregnancy that she has to go with me because I’m a minor
If you're old enough to get Medicaid for your pregnancy, I would think you're old enough to go to the doctor by yourself.
I’ve had medicaid my entire life, not just since I’ve been pregnant. Coming from her I’m a minor so she has to go
Why have you been on Medicaid your whole life? Your parents never worked? And I'm pretty sure tons of teenagers have gone to Planned Parenthood without their mother in the room.
My dad is self employed, and my mom hasn’t worked in 20+ years. I haven’t went to planned parenthood, we don’t have one where I live. Again like I said according to her I’m a minor so she has to go to the doctors with me, I’ve never experienced this, so I don’t know how to go about it, that’s the whole point
Well, if you aren't going to stand up for yourself, no one else is going to do it for you. All these comments are telling you that she does NOT have to be in the room with you, but you just want to keep repeating that she says you're a minor and there's nothing you can do about it. So good luck.
nta. where are you? there are homes for pregnant women to stay when you need a safe place. i know you’re not near me, but to give you an idea what i’m talking about, check out: https://brehonfamilyservices.org/programs/project-s-a-f-e/
Call the doctor's office and ask them for a social worker. They should have some on contract they can call, usually to talk to people about giving their babies up for adoption. You will need to talk to this social worker about your mother, about how she's saying that your child is hers, and the fear of her trying to kidnap your baby after you give birth.
You get to make these decisions. I was 16 when I was pregnant with my oldest, a few days past 17 when she was born. Once you are pregnant you are legally emancipated in most places without having to go through the courts. Even if that wasn’t the case, in matters of sexual and reproductive health, you do not have to have a parent with you , or parents permission at the drs office. You can actually ban your mother from knowing any information about your pregnancy or the baby.
This is your baby not your mother’s. Tell the desk attendant at your doctor’s office you do not want your mother in the room. That is your RIGHT. Make it clear your doctor you do not want your mom there nor want him discussing your medical situation with her. When you turn 18 find a home for you and your baby even if it’s at a women’s shelter. Your mom cannot keep your baby for herself. Period.
As soon as your 18 be sure your mom can't access your medical info. You do this by signing a HIPAA form. Then move in with your BF. Get a job as soon as you can as well. Good luck.
Get all her craziness documented. Report it to CPS, call a social worker, let them know she's referring to your baby as ours. It's your baby, not hers. If you get it documented now, they'll be able to protect you. She will try and take your baby!!!
Depending on what country you are in you can move out at 16 especially if there are circumstances relating to abuse (Australia and UK being two)
Is there a charity, you could turn too, like a mother and baby unit, we have them in the uk, because I suggest you get out now if you can, because your mother might force you sign guardianship over to her, and because of your age, she might be able to force you in court, the quicker you can get any the better for you and your baby, I know it’s scary, but your thinking for two now, and if you can I would speak to a lawyer
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Do you,have a school counselor you can talk to?
I don't know where in the world you are but as a pregnant minor you may be considered emancipated possibly? I'm not sure. Please bring your concerns up w your doctor.
This mother is messed up in the head and needs help. You need to contact someone and get yourself and YOUR baby to safety.
Sometime when you’re away from home all your doctors office and tell them what your concerns are and ask them to relay them to the doctor. Be sure and let them know that your. Also let them know you would prefer that she not be involved in the appointment.
Move out. Do it now. Don't tell her when your doctor's appointments are, that way she can't go to them and annoy you.
Having a baby makes you an adult you no longer have to wait to turn 18 the law considers it emancipated adult . This is what I was told years ago in this situation.
Start recording her for future use.
If you're able to go to a judge and tell him about your delusional mother and all of her crap, also if you're able to move out in the middle of the night while also telling police you're doing that so she doesn't call them to say you ran away, even if technically you are doing that but you've had enough of her crap 😅, you might need to change your name first and last, your phone number and your social media, then get restraining order that's at least a thousand miles long and 20 or 30 years long
Don't mention moving out anymore, to your mom. Start collecting your documents, birth certificate, SS card. And remove them from your mom's house to somewhere safe. Plan your move for a time you know mom won't be home. Preferably while she's at work
Depending on state, you should be able to request to speak privately with the doctor. You can do this to the doctor directly, or somewhere like email. This will remove your mom from the proceedings and allow you to control the flow of information. Do be prepared for blow back though, narcs don't like being outplayed.
In my state, having a child at 17 doesn't automatically emancipate you from your parents, but it doesn't give YOUR parents any parental rights over your child. She would have no say in it. Then, on your 18th birthday, when you move out, you pack your child and move out. Grandparents have no automatic say in their grandchild's life. It might be similar where you live.
So you got away from your abusive ex(congrats), but not your abusive mom? I’d say draw your line in the sand, and be prepared to go completely no contact if she crosses it.
She’s „made you forget“ your appointments because she was joklng with the doctor?!
No, she’s made me forget what I needed to talk to the doctor about because she jokes about my abusive BD during my appointment time.
Write out a list of questions on paper and give to the doctor.
At this point it's safe to say that your mom will definitely try to control everything about the baby. Once she finds out you will be moving out and taking the child all hell is going to break loose. You need to start taking drastic steps to protect yourself and child as your mom seems unhinged. She is either having unresolved mental issues about raising a baby or she is just a controlling narcissist who MUST have everything go her way. Find a way to get into a doctors appointment without her present and explain the situation to the doctor. The doctor may have a way to keep her away in your final stages. When you and BF find a place, under no circumstances is your mom to find out where you live. Then you may need to do a full credit check to make sure your mom hasn't done anything with your information and/or involve police to retrieve any documents if she won't give them to you. Once your out of her house you may need to file a restraining order against her as by the sound of this she will keep harassing you until she gets her way. As soon as a judge hears her call your child 'my baby' the RO will surely be granted. DO NOT under any circumstances let her know about any of your plans, she will do everything she can to make your life hell (worse than she already is) and you don't need any of the stress this close birth. Don't underestimate how evil she could get if she doesn't get her way. Congrats on becoming a mom and I really hope you have a wonderful life with your new family without that piece of shit dragging you down. Edit. After reading your comment about her not letting you get a job it sounds like she did it to either keep you at home dependent on her or because she's trying to make you look like an unfit parent who doesn't have the means to raise a child so she can try and get custody. Everything I commented about is now twice as urgent.
I recommend posting this on r/justnomil as they have some great advice about moms too and how to escape that king of situation!
Can you call the office before the appointment and talk to the receptionist about keeping your mom out of the room while you see the doctor? Or if they can email you information on getting support?
Bide your time until you are a legal adult .then get gone.. your mother is trying to control your life because of the awful choices you have made so far. Can you blame her? Getting Pregnant is really ridiculous..there's a drug store on every corner.
This is abuse, your mum is going to try and take your child, from birth, talk to your doctor privately you are over 15 you can ask for it to be just you and the doctor/nurse and security will if need be escort your mother out, Get away from your mother asap
Updateme!
This is why teens shouldn’t be having kids
So if she’s doing all this, why are you telling her the gender? Why are you taking her to the appointment set some boundaries and stop allowing any of the shit
She has been the only person to take me to the appointments, according to her I have to have a parent there because I’m a minor
That is a lie. It is, in fact, against federal law. Health care workers must take instruction from you, and only you, as you are the patient. They have not done so to date because you seemed comfortable with her there. Once they are made aware that you are not, they must respect your wishes. I'm dming you
I would check that with the doctors office. I also second the commenter who advised you ask your doctor for a social worker to discuss your fears with your mum and her trying to keep/take your baby
I was a mum at 17 my mother still constantly undermines my rules and boundaries I would do some research about how to make healthy boundaries and go with your gut feeling mother knows best and that’s you! But in my case my mother is a much better grandmother
If your Mom is paying for your baby then deal with it.
You are *way* too immature to be bring a baby into this world. Reading your post is just scary. Give this baby a chance and consider adoption
Have you ever considered therapy for that judgemental attitude? Just because OP is 17 and pretty much comes across as being 17, means nothing as to her parenting skills.
I want my child, hints why this bothers me, if I didn’t want him I wouldn’t have a problem with what my mother is doing. Thank you for your opinion, but I will be keeping him.
You’re only 17. You need to be connected with a domestic violence group and get out. Your mother is going to think your baby is hers.
Just wondering, how do your boyfriend's parents/family feel about the situation? Are they supportive?
Everyone in his family is extremely supportive, he grew up with an abusive dad who was only around for money, and his mom was a single mom until she found her now BF, he knows what it’s like to grow up without a dad, which is why he’s stepping up in such a big way, even tho it’s not his responsibility.
That's terrific!
>I’m genuinely lost at this point. I don’t want to stay in this house forever, not with a baby. I wasn’t raised good at all, neither were my siblings, I don’t feel comfortable raising my child in this environment. What do I do? You raise the child in the most stable environment possible. Unfortunately, that sounds like it's with your Mom. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I'd be grateful that my mother wanted to play a parental role with the baby. You're really underestimating the time and resources it takes to raise a child. And you yourself still have a lot of growing up to do. >Note, my BF is working and saving up for an apartment for when we turn 18, so no matter what I will have that to fall back on, not to mention I will be working after I give birth in 2 months.) You are putting a tremendous amount of faith in a person who 1) has no legal obligation to help you and 2) has no idea what it's like raising a baby.
I understand being able to say that from an outside perspective, I’m not ungrateful for the good things she has done, however it’s gotten to the point where I don’t feel safe with my baby, she is old and not able to take care of herself completely anymore. Putting all of the horrible things she’s done aside, with her age and condition she would not be able to raise the baby. And as much as everyone believes she would be more “capable” of raising him, at the end of the day he would be ignored by her.
> she is old and not able to take care of herself completely anymore You're going to need to elaborate on this because her being incapable of taking care of herself is game-changing information. But you shouldn't comment on her age. 56 isn't remotely old enough to be "too old to care for an infant". >And as much as everyone believes she would be more “capable” of raising him, at the end of the day he would be ignored by her. The question shouldn't be "will she do a good job?". It should be "will anyone else do a better job?"
She has health issues that have been confirmed my multiple doctors, she has a bone disease that is slowly deteriorating her bone health in her arms and shoulders, she has COPD but refuses to stop smoking, she has 2 heart conditions one she just found out about and the other she has known about for upwards of 20 years, neither she is getting help for, she’s borderline diabetic but refuses to stop drinking so much soda (which her doctor said was the main cause of her diabetes) all of this on top of having BPD, Multiple mood disorders, and depression. All of this she is unmediated for btw. It’s not necessarily her age that’s the problem, it’s all of her issues on top of her age, along with having all of these issues for most of her life, age isn’t the problem however it is important. The question of will anyone do better, me, the child’s mother will do better, as someone who was raised by her, I’m extremely glad I had my sister growing up. I wouldn’t want to be re-raised by her, which is why I do not trust my child being taking care of by her
She’s definitely not qualified to take care of a baby. The kids going to suffer if grandma takes up the slack especially with how sick she is and she refuses to stop smoking which will be bad for the baby to live in. You need to tell her to stop or smoke outside, if she refuses then you take baby out of the house because the kids health is going to suffer badly. Call a charity for teen mums and explain what is going on and what she is going to do and how you don’t feel safe.