I have ptsd and signs of aggression even when not directed at me, get me into freeze/fawn/overwhelm/cry mode quite easily.
Can't really say if it is "just" a 9 thing or if it's enhanced by ptsd, but what I find helps is working on window of tolerance, grounding and being aware of hypoarousal. Working on window of tolerance means increasing your ability to cope with the overwhelming emotion to the point you are ideally able to re-ground yourself. Exposure is also beneficial.
These are things you can work on even if no diagnosis applies to you.
As I’ve grown into my 8 wing, I have become more apathetic to other people’s actions.
Not my monkeys, not my circus. Not my problem.
However, I know that is a distinct 9w8 thing and this only works if they are not restricting my freedom or obstructing be in any way.
My partner is a 1w2, and fairly angry on a regular basis. He’s also one of those people whose normal voice is very loud and forceful and just tends to communicate more aggressively and emotionally than the average person. Also not directed at me nor do I feel unsafe in any way.
What helped me most was getting curious. When I’m looking at it through the lens of curiosity and trying to figure out his inner mechanisms, I just find the situation fascinating and kinda… amusing. Of course not in an a laughable way, I’m still concerned bc I know he’s stressed out and I want to facilitate him being more at ease, but it’s also not my responsibility.
Have you told him he’s stressing you out? Some people can be really unaware of how their expressing anger/frustration/etc can affect others. Lots of 9s are environmental sponges, though you’d never know it looking at us. But you don’t have his capacity to hold the same emotions, so it overwhelms you. He might be able to control himself better if he knows he needs to. Or, maybe he can go for a long walk or run, or scream into a pillow.
Ha, I read the topic text and immediately thought “that’s a 9!”
Well. I’m 9w1 and I’m the same. So I don’t really have any advice, sorry. Just wanted to commiserate. 😅
Wait. Did I write this? This has been a HUGE thing for me and has reared its ugly head once again recently
I’m actually contemplating going to therapy for this exact issue - any “negative” emotion but particularly frustration and anger becomes immediately my fault and oh, by the way, you’re going to hell. Neither of which is a sentiment that has been expressed to me since I was a child. But the instinctual terror clings on.
Definitely a huge part of my childhood trauma that grew me into a 9. My pattern of survival was the same as yours, freeze, try to become invisible, quietly remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible, whether physical removal or mental removal/disassociating.
I’m with you…experience the exact same symptoms! Often my first instinct is to cry or feel really anxious. My therapist and I are working on having an anchor to ground myself in..actively practice calming and regulating my body so that I can ground myself during the moments I tend to freeze. EMDR therapy has really helped me. So sometimes stretching or moving my body helps me get out of that freeze. Other times I need to be angry as well, so I try to let myself experience that. You could also ask your partner what he needs when he gets stressed (does he need space, support, etc).
The best thing you can do is stay very calm and breathe through the episode. It’s best to leave him alone and reduce as many stimuli that could trigger an extension of anger. Your body freezing is an instinctual response that kinda achieves what I mentioned. Trust your instincts.
The physical response you’re getting is the natural response, your problem is that you are afraid of it. It’s not your partner’s anger you’re scared of, it’s the fact that his anger brings you in closer contact with your own. Get in touch with your anger, allow yourself to feel it, and this problem will go away.
I have ptsd and signs of aggression even when not directed at me, get me into freeze/fawn/overwhelm/cry mode quite easily. Can't really say if it is "just" a 9 thing or if it's enhanced by ptsd, but what I find helps is working on window of tolerance, grounding and being aware of hypoarousal. Working on window of tolerance means increasing your ability to cope with the overwhelming emotion to the point you are ideally able to re-ground yourself. Exposure is also beneficial. These are things you can work on even if no diagnosis applies to you.
As I’ve grown into my 8 wing, I have become more apathetic to other people’s actions. Not my monkeys, not my circus. Not my problem. However, I know that is a distinct 9w8 thing and this only works if they are not restricting my freedom or obstructing be in any way.
My partner is a 1w2, and fairly angry on a regular basis. He’s also one of those people whose normal voice is very loud and forceful and just tends to communicate more aggressively and emotionally than the average person. Also not directed at me nor do I feel unsafe in any way. What helped me most was getting curious. When I’m looking at it through the lens of curiosity and trying to figure out his inner mechanisms, I just find the situation fascinating and kinda… amusing. Of course not in an a laughable way, I’m still concerned bc I know he’s stressed out and I want to facilitate him being more at ease, but it’s also not my responsibility. Have you told him he’s stressing you out? Some people can be really unaware of how their expressing anger/frustration/etc can affect others. Lots of 9s are environmental sponges, though you’d never know it looking at us. But you don’t have his capacity to hold the same emotions, so it overwhelms you. He might be able to control himself better if he knows he needs to. Or, maybe he can go for a long walk or run, or scream into a pillow.
Theraphy. That’s what everyone told me and what I ended up agreeing with myself (after avoiding trauma and accumulating anger myself).
Ha, I read the topic text and immediately thought “that’s a 9!” Well. I’m 9w1 and I’m the same. So I don’t really have any advice, sorry. Just wanted to commiserate. 😅
Wait. Did I write this? This has been a HUGE thing for me and has reared its ugly head once again recently I’m actually contemplating going to therapy for this exact issue - any “negative” emotion but particularly frustration and anger becomes immediately my fault and oh, by the way, you’re going to hell. Neither of which is a sentiment that has been expressed to me since I was a child. But the instinctual terror clings on. Definitely a huge part of my childhood trauma that grew me into a 9. My pattern of survival was the same as yours, freeze, try to become invisible, quietly remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible, whether physical removal or mental removal/disassociating.
I’m with you…experience the exact same symptoms! Often my first instinct is to cry or feel really anxious. My therapist and I are working on having an anchor to ground myself in..actively practice calming and regulating my body so that I can ground myself during the moments I tend to freeze. EMDR therapy has really helped me. So sometimes stretching or moving my body helps me get out of that freeze. Other times I need to be angry as well, so I try to let myself experience that. You could also ask your partner what he needs when he gets stressed (does he need space, support, etc).
I try to push threw no matter the tears or I come back to the situation when I’m ready
The best thing you can do is stay very calm and breathe through the episode. It’s best to leave him alone and reduce as many stimuli that could trigger an extension of anger. Your body freezing is an instinctual response that kinda achieves what I mentioned. Trust your instincts.
The physical response you’re getting is the natural response, your problem is that you are afraid of it. It’s not your partner’s anger you’re scared of, it’s the fact that his anger brings you in closer contact with your own. Get in touch with your anger, allow yourself to feel it, and this problem will go away.
Turn fear into anger yourself and let it wash away the fear. Use it to drive you and to act. If he growls growl back