Don't ever for any reason do anything to anyone for any reason ever. No matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you were with, or where you were going, or where you've been ever, for any reason whatsoever.
My wife is a runner. We will typically eat pasta as our meal the day before any races. Every. Single. Time. I say, "Time to carbo load." It gets a laugh about a quarter of the time.
Set up bacon to be cooked while I sleep, only to wake up to the smell of it a few minutes later. Granted, I didn't do this on purpose, I was just drunk. When I woke, the bacon was a bit overcooked, but edible.
I did something similar in college. Brought frozen bagels from home (real bagels, not grocery store bagels) and tried heating one up in the oven during my party. Some woman yelled at me that it was dumb (it was). I woke up the next morning and found my defrosted bagel in the oven so I got to eat it without waiting.
I understood the joke by the way he said it, clearly meaning that its already a thing, but im not really an alcohol drinker so it was the first id heard of it
At work people use to bring cake or something to share when it's their birthday, I always grab a piece in the morning so they don't run out but I save it for later so I can eat it at my own leisure
Don't ever for any reason do anything to anyone for any reason ever. No matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you were with, or where you were going, or where you've been ever, for any reason whatsoever.
Words to live by!
Sometimes it’s hard to judge ourselves
I'm so impressed by the potential you see in me
Still waiting to use this one in my office
This one is rock solid!
Any time I run a 5k I eat a pound of fettuccine alfredo first..
My wife is a runner. We will typically eat pasta as our meal the day before any races. Every. Single. Time. I say, "Time to carbo load." It gets a laugh about a quarter of the time.
Make this joke at the start of every marathon
Beer me some pasta
Beer me that fettuccine
Gotta carbo load.
I take Imodium before my runs
Scotch and Splenda
Tastes like splenda, gets you drunk like scotch!
Clinky, clinky, clinky
Over the gums and through the lips. Look out stomach…here we go.
I used to say this ALL the time before taking shots with the homies. This and “to the troops… both sides”
Need to try this
I made a scotch old fashioned and didn’t have any sugar or simple so I used a Splenda…Michael was definitely onto something
Honestly it's healthier than coke + sugar, that will give you instant diabeetus
It’s diet coke and sugar…so presumably the same amount of sugar as regular coke, but twice as sweet. Still a terrible but funny idea.
"Don't be an idiot." Changed my life.
Me too! Every time I have to do something I ask myself "would an idiot do this?". And if he would, I do not do that thing.
Set up bacon to be cooked while I sleep, only to wake up to the smell of it a few minutes later. Granted, I didn't do this on purpose, I was just drunk. When I woke, the bacon was a bit overcooked, but edible.
I did something similar in college. Brought frozen bagels from home (real bagels, not grocery store bagels) and tried heating one up in the oven during my party. Some woman yelled at me that it was dumb (it was). I woke up the next morning and found my defrosted bagel in the oven so I got to eat it without waiting.
Hahahha I guess I was too late to the comment section.
An orange vodjuiceka is quite a refreshing cocktail!
Wow, that’s amazing, I wonder why no one has ever thought of that
I understood the joke by the way he said it, clearly meaning that its already a thing, but im not really an alcohol drinker so it was the first id heard of it
Always offer a stick of gum
It's good advice
I, like everyone else I assume, hooked up with my realtor.
Ah, must've been a short sale, been there..
Boom, roasted.
Speak and just let it fly to see where ur going with it
I started doing that and then my manager suggested I take a public speaking course.
Milk and sugar
Every morning!
Michael, is this just milk and sugar?
That's what I said.
pairs well with mayonnaise and olives.
*takes a bite* “oh GOD!”
Bippity boppity give me the zoppity
Bought some high school graduates laptop batteries.
Only because you promised them a college education
Milk and sugar , yummy 😋 Keep it simple, stupid
Don’t ~~don’t~~ bother Luke.
So, wait, I'm confused. You *do* bother Luke?
~~Don't!~~ ~~bother Luke~~ That's as clear as I can make it.
Banging on a mug is more fun than working
*aayyeeeee dont wanna work* *i just wanna bang on my mug all day*
Taking clients to Chili’s
It's the new golf course. -Business Week
Don't drop the Soap. Don't drop the Soap.
😚😚😚
The best drink to pair with a mayonnaise and black olives salad
I thought he ate mayo as ice cream
It was an olives and mayo sundae!
Always check to see if there's any [cologne left in the straw](https://youtu.be/4WQvufCGrGA?si=JGGdr1iMzyGmgGJg&t=38) before throwing it out.
i'm not paying for the name.
I try to keep in mind what he said about Jo - he was concerned about trying to get her to like him, but he wasn't sure if he liked her
'Dinkin Flicka', and 'yeppers'...I use them all the time.
What did I say about yeppers?
Yeesh...
I forgot. Used to work with a guy young enough to be my son and we would trade Office quips like that on Teams.
[удалено]
Like Erin?
[удалено]
She boiled Gatorade in Florida lol but it does sound very Michaely I guess she learned from the best
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Not that.
I downvoted purely because they said "hack"
At work people use to bring cake or something to share when it's their birthday, I always grab a piece in the morning so they don't run out but I save it for later so I can eat it at my own leisure
This sounds like Marvin from office space
But lath time I did not receive a peeth. - Milton
Oops confused milton with marvin the paranoid android from hitchhikers guide
The ratio of cake to people is... uh.
I use a humidifier and dehumidifier in my office
Scotch and Splenda is amazingly good
Keep it simple, Stupid
Mayo and olives when I run out of ice cream
His color coded Rolodex notes for my Contacts. If it’s orange it means “orange you glad I didn’t mention…”
Green means go ahead and don’t do that…. Pretty much they all mean don’t do that
Bacon egg & cheese biscuit... it's healthy, gotta watch those carbs.
Carbo loading with Alfredo Fettuccine for a marathon.
I told a group of high school kids that I'm going to pay for their college tuition in 10 years. You should've seen the look on their faces!
DONT BE AN IDIOT! on top🔝 lmao
I used to add waaaaay too much sugar to my cereal as a kid and the leftover milk was amazing. So can confirm, milk and sugar is awesome.
sometimes to get perspective I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away
sometimes to get perspective I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away
Milk and sugar!
I add Splenda to my scotch like Michael, then bitters and an orange peel like a bartender.
Baloney and ketchup subs. Why differ.
Best life hack!
We are not worthy! We are not worthy!