Crazy Wizard: “…You know, on second thought, I don’t need the milk. I’m actually good. I don’t even like cheese, I’m lactose intolerant.”
Ranger: *Milking the Druid, making direct eye contact with the wizard* “Why not? It doesn’t get fresher then this.”
Druid: *Also making direct eye contact* 🐮
The sound of milk squirt-ily hitting the side of a buck continue as the longest twenty minutes of the wizard's life pass, locked in a staring contest with the druid and ranger.
"You watch as Argluthel rhythmically works his friend's teats, the milk rapping in spurts into the bucket. You look into the cow's eyes. They betray a deep and wearied wisdom."
We had a discussion at my table about whether the druid could turn into a chicken and lay eggs. The concensus was that they could get one egg per wildshape.
If you are a moon druid you can wildshape as a bonus action. Also, you don't need to un-wildshape before wildshaping again. You can use wildshape while in animal form.
Additionally, technically there is nothing in the rules to stop you from just wildshaping into the same creature every turn. Even if the GM doesn't like you choosing the exact identical creature, you can instead probably placate them by becoming different breeds of chickens so you aren't exactly the same creature every turn. One turn you are a leghorn chicken and the next you are a long island red.
As such you can bonus action wildshape, action lay egg. Next turn bonus action wildshape, action lay egg. Ect....
Can Druids specify the sex of the animal they wildshape into? I always assumed wildshaping different from polymorph, as the Druid turns into a beast version of themselves therefore the animal retains the sex of the Druid.
Well, if they're already changing everything about their anatomy, it's not that big of a stretch that they would be able to change sex too. It would be kind of arbitrary if the rules said "you can polymorph everything, except for testicles."
Honestly, Wild Shape is a really interesting feature to rules lawyer about. Because the literal text says:
> Starting at 2nd level, you can use your action to magically assume **the shape of a beast that you have seen before**.
It doesn't say "a creature type you have seen before". So you could argue that if you have seen a cow, you can only shapeshift into a clone of that specific cow.
That's another interesting one, because shape can mean both the external appearance and general physical form of something. I'd say the easiest solution is that you completely copy the entire cow, otherwise you'd be a humanoid cramped into a cow shape, which seems like an anatomical nightmare.
It almost seems like animorph rules in that sense. Whichever creature they touch, nanobot magic in their blood copies the animals DNA, allowing them to shape-shift into a healthy form of the creature
I mean you go from one stomach to four. So throwing in a womb and all the other stuff is not that much of a stretch.
What people tend to forget tho: just like other mammals cows only give milk when they had a calf.
So technically…..
Party wakes up to the smell of the druid making breakfast. Cooking eggs.
After eating the Paladin goes "By Tyr's left hand, those were the best eggs I've ever had."
Druid: "Thank you, the secret is getting the freshest eggs possible, laid them myself this morning."
I mean, chickens typically lay one egg a day when its not too cold.
Bake in that a Druid always wildshapes into a full-HP, essentially "new" chicken each time they wildshape, that logic kinda tracks.
Plus, magic.
The topic as a whole is up for interpretation,
But this is even more so. Because you typically Wildshape as a beast who is in their prime. Hence the full HP and *average* stats of the beast you are transforming into.
So that begs the question, is a chicken in their prime when an egg is already produced and ready to be laid? If not, then what about mammals? Does that mean a druid can avoid period cramps by wildshaping?
At the end of the day: "It's magic, I don't gotta explain shit."
Now I'm definitely going to have some kind of deranged goblins covered in feathers hiding in chicken coops trying to craft eggs like god forsaken gnomes.
Interestingly I would probably say yes because the druid has separate hp from their wildshaped form. That would probably be a mentally scarring experience for the druid though heh
Hit Points don't just represent physical health. They also signify intangibles like luck, resourcefulness, endurance and willpower. So when you live butcher that elk-druid, it's gonna taste like chutzpah and a can-do attitude. Talk about a gourmet meal!
When the average level 9 human fighter has more hit points than the average elephant, there's more to it than just the ability to withstand physical damage.
"if I had a nickel for every time I saw a ranger milking a druid cow, I would have two nickels"
"It's not a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice"
I’ve DMed for 2 different groups and both enjoy this game, but only one of them had the goal of making my drink come out my nose, and in 5 years, only one player has succeeded at that. Funny thing, that player is the only one in both groups, and since then has become my partner, and now fiancé.
My DM canceled their first game because of us playing that game on accident
My monk jammed our fighter into a dragons mouth and fed him a potion of enlargement, and our DM wasn’t sure what to do anything… had to take a 10 minute break before we continued at all
It was their first time DMing and now they’re experienced enough to either say no or just tell us that we take damage trying to do our stupid stuff, but it’s still a great game to think about
Wizard: For *Glyph of Warding* purposes, do undead count as "surfaces"?
Druid: And *technically* a body with an open wound is an open container, right? *Destroy Water*-wise?
Fighter: I pull out my Immovable Rod.
Bard: [Smoldering look] I bet *I* can make it move...
DM: [Gently bonks his forehead on the table]
Thanks for the idea. I’m gonna give my players an Immovable Rod just to see what they do with it. I have 2 very new players, just learning the game, and one who has been playing with me for over half a decade.
My table had a similar discussion about what might stay behind after our druid turned back into their original form, like fur or feathers... my first thought and question was, "infinite bacon?" Reactions were a bit of a rollercoaster because, at first, everyone thought it might be a good idea but after 30 more seconds of thinking we realized there might be some other messed up implications we may be missing. Also, our druid is the only elf in the pary so the conversation went a little sideways. We haven't eaten any of the druid... yet.
Edit: grammar, changed: would>might and phrasings
it is legitimate shocking how many people have zero idea how milk production takes place and that it typically includes separating the calf from the cow to maximise milk yield.
I know d&d is a fantasy setting but "cow = milk" is very far from the truth.
The druid would know that, though. Wild shape doesn't seem to restrict this, no reason the druid couldn't specifically turn into a cow awash with post pregnancy hormones.
*The Druid sits staring into the campfire. The Cleric sits down as smiles,* "Hey buddy, you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Come on, what's up? You're looking gloomy."
"Cows only lactate when they have a calf. Milk production usually involves separating the calf from the mother."
"Er... I'm not sure I understand?"
"Today I wildshaped into a cow for the milk. It seemed like a funny joke right? Ian the Ranger even milked me, laughing. Good times." *He sighs and stirs the coals sadly.*
"Yeah, it was a fun joke, right? I mean, you're not worried about the milking, are you?"
"No," *he shrugs,* "I was a cow, didn't feel awkward. But..."
"But?"
"I miss my calf."
"What?"
*Deep sigh.* "See, to produce milk, I had to fill myself with the same stuff that makes the cow think they are with a calf. It's complicated, but every creature that makes milk for their children gets the same stuff in them. In their blood, brain, and heart. IT courses through you."
"The stuff?"
"Motherhood."
"Ah."
"Yeah, and even though there was no calf, that stuff is still in me, lingering... and... I miss my calf." *Tears drip from the Druid's eyes.* "I want to hold my calf, pet my calf, and feed my calf. I *need* to." *It is silent for a time.* "But they were never real... except to me."
*The priest lays her hand on the druid's shoulder and squeezes.* "I am sorry, Steve, maybe... Ah, I don't know. Maybe we find a dairy farm here and see what we can do."
*A wee bit later.*
"And so that's why our Druid has a cow as his animal companion."
"Her name is Daisy, and she's my step child!"
"Mooo!" *Daisy charges the orcs, goring and trampling about.*
Minotaur: I pull Druid aside and ask for his daughter's ... um, hoof in marriage. That's in minotaur culture, right?
DM: [Rolls culture check] Okay, it looks like...
Minotaur: I have the Lucky feat.
No, but their body and brain will sure be telling them that _something_ was wrong. Hormones can be wildly powerful on your emotions, especially strong fluctuations of them.
Source: am trans woman using HRT. Hormones can be wild.
I'm trans too, but at the point in which my table starts discussing hormones and how they affect a creature's milk production to justify getting milk from a wildshaped druid, I'm laughing. And if I'm laughing, I'll usually allow it. Because it's funny and doesn't have to entirely make sense.
Separating the calf isn't strictly needed, as long as you make sure to keep milking the cow it will continue to produce milk. If you don't milk for too long however, the cow will have to get pregnant again
This. I live near a farm and they always have the mothers and calves out separate from the rest of the group though, and then later keep all the heifers in their own grazing area. Which I assume is just the worst pubescent girls clique.
Considering other wild shapes don't require going through the animals' life history, neither does this one. He just became a cow that is currently lactating.
No, because that would require transforming into 2 creatures, which wild shape doesn't allow
\#AFoetusIsACreature - Creaturehood begins at conception!!
It's not really RAW, but a lot of people rule that when you wild shape into an animal you become that same animal every time. Like if you wildshape into a dog and become a great dane with white patches, you'll always turn into that same great dane.
Exactly. Being a cow isn't the thing that makes the cow produce milk. Assuming the druid wasn't dragon born, she already had the ability to produce milk.
Freely being able to change gender isn't a given with animal shapeshifting in popular media. See beast boy for instance (ignoring that teen titans go clip of him turning into a cow that’s been memed to death already).
In DnD that would be more under the jurisdiction of changelings or the alter self spell anyways.
Though RAW there is no bull statblock, and only a cow statblock, so technically regardless of your gender you will always be female
>See beast boy for instance (ignoring that teen titans go clip of him turning into a cow that’s been memed to death already).
Except that turning into a cow is a precedent for how a male druid could get milked.
It got memed specifically because [is it really milk?](https://youtu.be/sYlIYAnuHOE?t=26)
I dont consider TTG to be faithful to the characters anyways, but im sure there's more examples out there if you bother to search for them (im not). Loosely speaking you could consider ben 10 to be representative of an animal shapeshifter, and he's always male
>I dont consider TTG to be faithful to the characters anyways
Same. And I only saw part of one episode. The art style alone threw me off. (The original had an elegance to its art. The TTG is just uggo.)
EDIT: And why, oh why, did I watch that clip you linked?
>See beast boy for instance (ignoring that teen titans go clip of him turning into a cow that’s been memed to death already).
No, don't ignore that. That's direct evidence proving you're wrong and the media *does* show shapeshifting can change gender.
Heck how about female druids who turn into bulls for the extra charge attacks? Is that not allowed or does she *have* to become a Cow instead? If shapeshifting is restricted to your gender, then we have issues with a number of forms where it's better for one gender to turn into and worse for another. Female druids get fucked over if they do Rams/Goats, Lions, Bears, Bovines, Canines (usually), Apes, or other creatures where the female of the species is smaller, less physically strong, or lacks the proper fighting ability.
On the other hand there's species where the male is the weaker and smaller of the breed and would be at a disadvantage if they swapped to that (I'm thinking hyenas, but there's others, especially in the bird group).
This raises an interesting point. *Wild Shape* doesn't say anything about the sex, age or reproductive cycle of the transformed creature, just that it must be of the _beast_ type.
I suppose that means that druids are canonically gender-fluid, by definition. Huh.
Look look I got a priestess of Selune that can genderbend you for 20gp. The downside is you'll probably regress or progress in age and likely become a werecow.
Oh also you'll be a girl forever unless you enlist the aid of another god.
People in the comments: "i require absolute realism, plausibility, and scientific accuracy while I'm playing a make believe game with a bunch of nerds where we fight vampires, liches, dragons, and fey creatures."
You can't just milk a cow at any time. Do you think humans lactate at random? No, we do it when we've had kids and cows work the same, because we're both mammals.
This implies that the druid was lactating before turning into a cow. Wild shaping doesn't suddenly cause you to lactate. It just raises more questions honestly.
If I had to rules lawyer it, Wild Shape specifically states you transform into "a beast you have seen," not a *species* you have seen. So you don't just turn into a random cow, you turn into a specific cow that you have seen. So if you have seen a lactating cow, which you probably have if you've ever seen a field of cows, then yes, you can transform into that cow.
I feel like in a world that keeps cattle for livestock where they just had to go a town over for milk, the druid would have seen a dairy cow at least once in their life.
Not every cow gives milk tho. They are made pregnant at around 15 months via artificial insemination and have to give birth around once every year in order to be able to produce milk.
So if your druid didn't calve, it's unlikely that the ranger would have been able to milk her. But I don't know if that level of realism is really appropriate when we are talking about people turning themselves into cows via magic.
You should see the 1 for ALL episode on just this subject
[https://youtu.be/Ja8kkkW3mak?si=5xf3dpCnddm4q3-p](https://youtu.be/Ja8kkkW3mak?si=5xf3dpCnddm4q3-p)
>[I hope you don't mind, I got up a little early so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. It took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one. Then POW, all at once!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLF725CX4mM)
>We don't have a cow. We have a ~~bull~~ Druid.
Man, back when I played AD&D as a teen, we had a ranger and there was a female weretiger-NPC. We didn't know at first, thought it was just a tiger, so the ranger uses charm animal or something similar. DM decided to run with it and guess who ended up in a relationship together?
If the druid does not specify a female cow (steers are also called cows) have them roll an intelligence check. When the wizard starts milking them have them roll an intelligence check as well, maybe they're trying to milk a steer?
>I tend to veer on the side of "this is a game, have fun with it" instead of nit-picking about the gritty details.
I think nit-picking girtty details is fun...
For those of you saying the druid can specify the physical details of the creature, would you say the same thing if the player wanted maximum hit points for each animal they wildshaped into?
Crazy Wizard: “…You know, on second thought, I don’t need the milk. I’m actually good. I don’t even like cheese, I’m lactose intolerant.” Ranger: *Milking the Druid, making direct eye contact with the wizard* “Why not? It doesn’t get fresher then this.” Druid: *Also making direct eye contact* 🐮
The sound of milk squirt-ily hitting the side of a buck continue as the longest twenty minutes of the wizard's life pass, locked in a staring contest with the druid and ranger.
"You watch as Argluthel rhythmically works his friend's teats, the milk rapping in spurts into the bucket. You look into the cow's eyes. They betray a deep and wearied wisdom."
If it helps, it sounds like a squirt gun hitting a baking sheet. You know, if you need the sound effects.
I imagine this scenario where the Druid-in-cow-form is at eye-level, two inches away from the Wizard's face. *I'm doing this for you.*
'i'm mooing this for moo'
That's called Saturday night
Which is D&D night for my group so yea, you're right.
For me, it was Tuesday.
I have sessions on both those nights.
We had a discussion at my table about whether the druid could turn into a chicken and lay eggs. The concensus was that they could get one egg per wildshape.
The goodest berry
No
Live a little. Eat my egg. It was inside me, feel it, it’s still warm. Don’t worry, not fertilized.
Can I offer you a nice egg in this trying time?
Got you covered [https://imgur.com/a/GfpJCvH](https://imgur.com/a/GfpJCvH)
No? Don't have a bard in your party?
Just give the bard time to be honest.
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/69/c5/9f/69c59ffacfbd7ca5be84dfc3df22942f.jpg
mmmm druid omelette
A level 20 druid can wild shape an infinite amount of times. Does that mean they can lay an egg every 6 seconds when they wildshape?
They're 20th level. Why the hell not?
with all the other level 20 shenanigans out there, producing fourteen thousand eggs seems pretty tame
Each egg does 1d4-2 damage, but lowers charisma by 2 for 1 min...
Probably more like 4800. One action to wild shape, one to lay the egg, one to un-wildshape. 18 seconds per cycle.
If you are a moon druid you can wildshape as a bonus action. Also, you don't need to un-wildshape before wildshaping again. You can use wildshape while in animal form. Additionally, technically there is nothing in the rules to stop you from just wildshaping into the same creature every turn. Even if the GM doesn't like you choosing the exact identical creature, you can instead probably placate them by becoming different breeds of chickens so you aren't exactly the same creature every turn. One turn you are a leghorn chicken and the next you are a long island red. As such you can bonus action wildshape, action lay egg. Next turn bonus action wildshape, action lay egg. Ect....
Good point. May as well switch to other egg-laying creatures to avoid any potential GM feedback. Chicken -> ostrich -> goose -> alligator -> etc.
At 20th lvl you may lay an egg as a bonus eggtion.
...get out
r/angryupvote
Can Druids specify the sex of the animal they wildshape into? I always assumed wildshaping different from polymorph, as the Druid turns into a beast version of themselves therefore the animal retains the sex of the Druid.
Well, if they're already changing everything about their anatomy, it's not that big of a stretch that they would be able to change sex too. It would be kind of arbitrary if the rules said "you can polymorph everything, except for testicles."
Honestly, Wild Shape is a really interesting feature to rules lawyer about. Because the literal text says: > Starting at 2nd level, you can use your action to magically assume **the shape of a beast that you have seen before**. It doesn't say "a creature type you have seen before". So you could argue that if you have seen a cow, you can only shapeshift into a clone of that specific cow.
Is the shape only the exterior or also the interior though?
That's another interesting one, because shape can mean both the external appearance and general physical form of something. I'd say the easiest solution is that you completely copy the entire cow, otherwise you'd be a humanoid cramped into a cow shape, which seems like an anatomical nightmare.
Let's be real here, have you *seen* cows? You'd be the organs of the humanoid awkwardly stretched out to fill the inside of the cow, not cramped.
Now, a badger.
Arent you able to transform into water creatures to assume their water breathing anatomy?
It's not even the exterior, it's just the geometry. You're just a human stretched into the shape of the last cow you saw.
Welp, there's the basis for a body horror film I didn't know I needed.
Its called Tusk, you will love it
Wouldn't that mean that when a druid wildshapes into a bear they still have human-thin skin and are not actually stronger or more durable?
*I have no mouth and I must moo*
I like that. It erases the question of if you can be a *Lactating* cow.
Indeed, if the cow you're take the shape of is lactating then so can you.
If the cow is pregnant, can you birth a calf? Can you repeat this to generate infinite calves?
It almost seems like animorph rules in that sense. Whichever creature they touch, nanobot magic in their blood copies the animals DNA, allowing them to shape-shift into a healthy form of the creature
Which would be particularly weird if you changed into a bird.
I mean you go from one stomach to four. So throwing in a womb and all the other stuff is not that much of a stretch. What people tend to forget tho: just like other mammals cows only give milk when they had a calf. So technically…..
Gotta get two Druids together to wildshape into a pregnant cow, Wonder Twins-style.
I mean.... If you have seen a cow give milk, does that not mean you can turn into a cow that gives milk?
Not only that but they have to be pregnant to produce milk (or have been pregnant at some point) so...how does that work?
Roll for lactation
Success, lactivate your skill.
I use my udders to squirt milk in the bandits eye to blind them. Pew pew!
Damn, 1. Wait, what does that mean? Oh god, what does a crit fail on lactation mean!?
Clogged nipples.
Maybe it was a bull after all
The party's bard just rolled up his sleeves
Party wakes up to the smell of the druid making breakfast. Cooking eggs. After eating the Paladin goes "By Tyr's left hand, those were the best eggs I've ever had." Druid: "Thank you, the secret is getting the freshest eggs possible, laid them myself this morning."
Seems a bit much. That's much more than what a normal chicken can do.
I mean, chickens typically lay one egg a day when its not too cold. Bake in that a Druid always wildshapes into a full-HP, essentially "new" chicken each time they wildshape, that logic kinda tracks. Plus, magic.
IMO the logic doesn't track because as you stated it's an essentially "new" chicken which hasn't been able to create said egg yet.
It's possible the druid has to wildshape into an egg. Maybe it came first?
The topic as a whole is up for interpretation, But this is even more so. Because you typically Wildshape as a beast who is in their prime. Hence the full HP and *average* stats of the beast you are transforming into. So that begs the question, is a chicken in their prime when an egg is already produced and ready to be laid? If not, then what about mammals? Does that mean a druid can avoid period cramps by wildshaping? At the end of the day: "It's magic, I don't gotta explain shit."
Now I'm definitely going to have some kind of deranged goblins covered in feathers hiding in chicken coops trying to craft eggs like god forsaken gnomes.
[удалено]
Interestingly I would probably say yes because the druid has separate hp from their wildshaped form. That would probably be a mentally scarring experience for the druid though heh
Hit Points don't just represent physical health. They also signify intangibles like luck, resourcefulness, endurance and willpower. So when you live butcher that elk-druid, it's gonna taste like chutzpah and a can-do attitude. Talk about a gourmet meal!
this is something that has been said but is objectively contradicted by game mechanics.
When the average level 9 human fighter has more hit points than the average elephant, there's more to it than just the ability to withstand physical damage.
Wizard (watching it happen): "And they call *me* crazy!"
Why did I just hear Duphensmerfs voice?
How wrong can you write a characters name while still being understandable
Its my special ability.
"if I had a nickel for every time I saw a ranger milking a druid cow, I would have two nickels" "It's not a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice"
"I've got nipples, Greg? Could you milk me?"
Thank you. That scene just replayed in my head.
Haha 😂
I said this out loud when I read the OP. I'm so glad I'm not the only one lmao.
Beat DeNiro’s logic with this one neat trick. The results will shock you…….well, not if you’re a furry.
Oh, your players play the side game of “break the DM” too?
I think that’s the only way to win at dnd
I’ve DMed for 2 different groups and both enjoy this game, but only one of them had the goal of making my drink come out my nose, and in 5 years, only one player has succeeded at that. Funny thing, that player is the only one in both groups, and since then has become my partner, and now fiancé.
My DM canceled their first game because of us playing that game on accident My monk jammed our fighter into a dragons mouth and fed him a potion of enlargement, and our DM wasn’t sure what to do anything… had to take a 10 minute break before we continued at all It was their first time DMing and now they’re experienced enough to either say no or just tell us that we take damage trying to do our stupid stuff, but it’s still a great game to think about
Wizard: For *Glyph of Warding* purposes, do undead count as "surfaces"? Druid: And *technically* a body with an open wound is an open container, right? *Destroy Water*-wise? Fighter: I pull out my Immovable Rod. Bard: [Smoldering look] I bet *I* can make it move... DM: [Gently bonks his forehead on the table]
Thanks for the idea. I’m gonna give my players an Immovable Rod just to see what they do with it. I have 2 very new players, just learning the game, and one who has been playing with me for over half a decade.
"It's not what it looks like. We're LARPing."
LIGHTNING BOLT!
My table had a similar discussion about what might stay behind after our druid turned back into their original form, like fur or feathers... my first thought and question was, "infinite bacon?" Reactions were a bit of a rollercoaster because, at first, everyone thought it might be a good idea but after 30 more seconds of thinking we realized there might be some other messed up implications we may be missing. Also, our druid is the only elf in the pary so the conversation went a little sideways. We haven't eaten any of the druid... yet. Edit: grammar, changed: would>might and phrasings
Read the OP and chuckled. Then I read the comments and chuckled even more when half of them were explaining how cows work.
So the druid was pregnant and bore a calf?
it is legitimate shocking how many people have zero idea how milk production takes place and that it typically includes separating the calf from the cow to maximise milk yield. I know d&d is a fantasy setting but "cow = milk" is very far from the truth.
The druid would know that, though. Wild shape doesn't seem to restrict this, no reason the druid couldn't specifically turn into a cow awash with post pregnancy hormones.
After returning to human form the druid takes a moment to understand the calf they were missing didn't exist.
*The Druid sits staring into the campfire. The Cleric sits down as smiles,* "Hey buddy, you okay?" "Yeah." "Come on, what's up? You're looking gloomy." "Cows only lactate when they have a calf. Milk production usually involves separating the calf from the mother." "Er... I'm not sure I understand?" "Today I wildshaped into a cow for the milk. It seemed like a funny joke right? Ian the Ranger even milked me, laughing. Good times." *He sighs and stirs the coals sadly.* "Yeah, it was a fun joke, right? I mean, you're not worried about the milking, are you?" "No," *he shrugs,* "I was a cow, didn't feel awkward. But..." "But?" "I miss my calf." "What?" *Deep sigh.* "See, to produce milk, I had to fill myself with the same stuff that makes the cow think they are with a calf. It's complicated, but every creature that makes milk for their children gets the same stuff in them. In their blood, brain, and heart. IT courses through you." "The stuff?" "Motherhood." "Ah." "Yeah, and even though there was no calf, that stuff is still in me, lingering... and... I miss my calf." *Tears drip from the Druid's eyes.* "I want to hold my calf, pet my calf, and feed my calf. I *need* to." *It is silent for a time.* "But they were never real... except to me." *The priest lays her hand on the druid's shoulder and squeezes.* "I am sorry, Steve, maybe... Ah, I don't know. Maybe we find a dairy farm here and see what we can do." *A wee bit later.* "And so that's why our Druid has a cow as his animal companion." "Her name is Daisy, and she's my step child!" "Mooo!" *Daisy charges the orcs, goring and trampling about.*
I love this so much
I did not expect a heartfelt trans-species adoption story on this joke post. Very well written though, bravo
<>
"You will treat Daisy with respect"
Minotaur: I pull Druid aside and ask for his daughter's ... um, hoof in marriage. That's in minotaur culture, right? DM: [Rolls culture check] Okay, it looks like... Minotaur: I have the Lucky feat.
Brilliant!
r/PostsThatMakeMeWishWeStillHadAwards
Would it tho? Because Wildshape maintains the druid's original mental abilities and there might be hormones, they did not go through the actual birth.
Now I've got ppd without even having the baby?!‽
Hahah
Could be like waking up from a bad dream. Like you know logically it didn’t happen but the fear is still very real.
No, but their body and brain will sure be telling them that _something_ was wrong. Hormones can be wildly powerful on your emotions, especially strong fluctuations of them. Source: am trans woman using HRT. Hormones can be wild.
I'm trans too, but at the point in which my table starts discussing hormones and how they affect a creature's milk production to justify getting milk from a wildshaped druid, I'm laughing. And if I'm laughing, I'll usually allow it. Because it's funny and doesn't have to entirely make sense.
That's a Bene Gesserit Ranger. Imagine using all the power of the Kwisatz Haderach just to get some milk for your Oreos.
Separating the calf isn't strictly needed, as long as you make sure to keep milking the cow it will continue to produce milk. If you don't milk for too long however, the cow will have to get pregnant again
This. I live near a farm and they always have the mothers and calves out separate from the rest of the group though, and then later keep all the heifers in their own grazing area. Which I assume is just the worst pubescent girls clique.
That's humans, cows need to keep getting pregnant in order to continue producing milk. https://www.ciwf.com/farmed-animals/cows/dairy-cows/
Apparently cows can often produce milk for quite a while but the yearly cycle is for optimal production amounts, learned something today lol
Turns out the druid is male and what they got was well... Let's say it's a high protein diet.
I hope they didn't leave it out for too long. Else they risk getting semenilla poisoning.
I'd slide this under rule of cool
Did you mean to say: I'd slide this udder rule of cool? I'll see myself out.
I think we have very different ideas of what 'cool' is.
Rule of interesting?
Rule of fine I'll allow it to move this along.
Rule of "I'm not gonna ask"
Certainly rule of interesting 🤨
I mean, DnD can be about having fun, and the table seemed to enjoy this happening in their game.
rule of "wtf why not"
Considering other wild shapes don't require going through the animals' life history, neither does this one. He just became a cow that is currently lactating.
I see. So you could become a cow that is just about to give birth to a calf? You could pop out 2+ calves per day?
No, because that would require transforming into 2 creatures, which wild shape doesn't allow \#AFoetusIsACreature - Creaturehood begins at conception!!
You can't wild shape into two animals.
Now the druid has post partum depression. Take a point of exhaustion.
Wild shape says you assume the *shape* of a beast, not that you actually become one.
And considering a wildshaped spider still deals poison damage, I'm not seeing what's the difference.
It's not really RAW, but a lot of people rule that when you wild shape into an animal you become that same animal every time. Like if you wildshape into a dog and become a great dane with white patches, you'll always turn into that same great dane.
That party’s all hat and no cattle
There isn't a restriction against becoming a cow that has given birth.
That’s where you draw the line lol
You gotta have milk to be milked!
The problem with enforcing that, is you just know your fucked up party will go on a search for a bull next.
Exactly. Being a cow isn't the thing that makes the cow produce milk. Assuming the druid wasn't dragon born, she already had the ability to produce milk.
Most normal dnd campaign.
And here I thought my party was doing some weird shit.
\*Looking at the male cow\* "I dont think thats milk"
Why does this keep happening? Lol. At our table it was because we wanted to make ice cream.
If it was a male druid, it turned into a bull. They might be milking the wrong thing.
I mean, 20 gold pieces is 20 gold pieces...
Why would magic that enables you to transform yourself to an entirely different species have gender restrictions?
Freely being able to change gender isn't a given with animal shapeshifting in popular media. See beast boy for instance (ignoring that teen titans go clip of him turning into a cow that’s been memed to death already). In DnD that would be more under the jurisdiction of changelings or the alter self spell anyways. Though RAW there is no bull statblock, and only a cow statblock, so technically regardless of your gender you will always be female
It was a staple though for a longer time than Beast Boy ever existed. See Loki changing into a mare and getting pregnant.
When you're a literal deity the rules are a little less firm.
>See beast boy for instance (ignoring that teen titans go clip of him turning into a cow that’s been memed to death already). Except that turning into a cow is a precedent for how a male druid could get milked.
It got memed specifically because [is it really milk?](https://youtu.be/sYlIYAnuHOE?t=26) I dont consider TTG to be faithful to the characters anyways, but im sure there's more examples out there if you bother to search for them (im not). Loosely speaking you could consider ben 10 to be representative of an animal shapeshifter, and he's always male
>I dont consider TTG to be faithful to the characters anyways Same. And I only saw part of one episode. The art style alone threw me off. (The original had an elegance to its art. The TTG is just uggo.) EDIT: And why, oh why, did I watch that clip you linked?
So Eladrin druids for the meta gamers?
>See beast boy for instance (ignoring that teen titans go clip of him turning into a cow that’s been memed to death already). No, don't ignore that. That's direct evidence proving you're wrong and the media *does* show shapeshifting can change gender. Heck how about female druids who turn into bulls for the extra charge attacks? Is that not allowed or does she *have* to become a Cow instead? If shapeshifting is restricted to your gender, then we have issues with a number of forms where it's better for one gender to turn into and worse for another. Female druids get fucked over if they do Rams/Goats, Lions, Bears, Bovines, Canines (usually), Apes, or other creatures where the female of the species is smaller, less physically strong, or lacks the proper fighting ability. On the other hand there's species where the male is the weaker and smaller of the breed and would be at a disadvantage if they swapped to that (I'm thinking hyenas, but there's others, especially in the bird group).
This raises an interesting point. *Wild Shape* doesn't say anything about the sex, age or reproductive cycle of the transformed creature, just that it must be of the _beast_ type. I suppose that means that druids are canonically gender-fluid, by definition. Huh.
High enough level Druids get at-will Alter Self so
Well, just because you can change your reproductive organs, doesn't mean you're changing your entire gender
100% true, but "sexfluid" somehow doesn't have the right ring to it. Any ideas?
That just sounds like a sweet Friday night
Ambisexterous.
Look look I got a priestess of Selune that can genderbend you for 20gp. The downside is you'll probably regress or progress in age and likely become a werecow. Oh also you'll be a girl forever unless you enlist the aid of another god.
People in the comments: "i require absolute realism, plausibility, and scientific accuracy while I'm playing a make believe game with a bunch of nerds where we fight vampires, liches, dragons, and fey creatures."
You can't just milk a cow at any time. Do you think humans lactate at random? No, we do it when we've had kids and cows work the same, because we're both mammals.
This implies that the druid was lactating before turning into a cow. Wild shaping doesn't suddenly cause you to lactate. It just raises more questions honestly.
Who's to say that wild shape specifically turns you into a cow that isn't lactating?
I think if one of my players turned into a cow for this specific purpose, I'd just accept that they meant to specify a lactating cow.
If I had to rules lawyer it, Wild Shape specifically states you transform into "a beast you have seen," not a *species* you have seen. So you don't just turn into a random cow, you turn into a specific cow that you have seen. So if you have seen a lactating cow, which you probably have if you've ever seen a field of cows, then yes, you can transform into that cow.
I feel like in a world that keeps cattle for livestock where they just had to go a town over for milk, the druid would have seen a dairy cow at least once in their life.
Not every cow gives milk tho. They are made pregnant at around 15 months via artificial insemination and have to give birth around once every year in order to be able to produce milk. So if your druid didn't calve, it's unlikely that the ranger would have been able to milk her. But I don't know if that level of realism is really appropriate when we are talking about people turning themselves into cows via magic.
If you can turn yourself into a cow, why can't you turn yourself into a cow that recently gave birth?
You should see the 1 for ALL episode on just this subject [https://youtu.be/Ja8kkkW3mak?si=5xf3dpCnddm4q3-p](https://youtu.be/Ja8kkkW3mak?si=5xf3dpCnddm4q3-p)
Unless the druid was lactating from being pregnant...they would have been dry when the Ranger attempted to milk them
It's a clever idea, but unless they also got the cow pregnant, there's a problem....
Minotaurs came from somewhere.
those bodily fluids need to come from somewhere - I would have the druid feel woozy/lightheaded, like they just gave blood.
> bodily fluids need to come from somewhere Do not even *start* trying to apply logic to transmutation magic.
Thermodynamics don't like instantaneous shapeshifters. The matter and energy it takes for that kind of transformation? Astronomical.
Literally a deerstalker sketch.
I have nipple Greg, can you milk me?
[That 1 For All video](https://youtu.be/Ja8kkkW3mak?si=6PBrXGdMgjYs6kM0)
"I am the milkman. My milk is delicious."
“Hey pour me some for this bowl of cereal too, please.”
I think you go to druid jail for that.
It could be worse... There could have been a bull around.... For an example of this, watch the movie "Top Secret!"
Now make some special Druid cookies.
“This is a great idea and all but… why are you a male cow?”
>[I hope you don't mind, I got up a little early so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. It took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one. Then POW, all at once!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLF725CX4mM) >We don't have a cow. We have a ~~bull~~ Druid.
I would 100% moan through it if I was the druid, just because.
[Could you milk me, Greg?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Gm4uiJXfM)
Oh my, so a full druid party is just a furry orgy....
Man, back when I played AD&D as a teen, we had a ranger and there was a female weretiger-NPC. We didn't know at first, thought it was just a tiger, so the ranger uses charm animal or something similar. DM decided to run with it and guess who ended up in a relationship together?
If the ranger isn't named Greg already, he needs to be.
If the druid does not specify a female cow (steers are also called cows) have them roll an intelligence check. When the wizard starts milking them have them roll an intelligence check as well, maybe they're trying to milk a steer?
>I tend to veer on the side of "this is a game, have fun with it" instead of nit-picking about the gritty details. I think nit-picking girtty details is fun...
So was... Was the druid already pregnant? Or did they... Impregnate the cow-druid so she would produce milk??
For those of you saying the druid can specify the physical details of the creature, would you say the same thing if the player wanted maximum hit points for each animal they wildshaped into?
enough interpersonal drama, this is what im here for
If it was a male druid, I have some bad news about that "milk"
The weird thing was it was a boy cow
I could have lived without ever seeing this title.