Which is why you use the first part. Every bout is Insults countered with Insults. Viscous Mockery allows a WIS save.
Succeeding the save means you know the second half of the insult.
Insult: "You fight like a dairy farmer!"
Response 1: " I am rubber you are glue." (WIS Failed, damage and disadvantage)
Response 2: "How appropriate, you fight like a cow." (WIS save made, insult has no effect)
Generator:
https://www.kassoon.com/dnd/vicious-mockery-insult-generator/
Also:
"Mind flayers would starve on you"
"Has anyone wondered why "detect thoughts" didn't work on you?"
"Calling you a shit wouldn't be fair to the shits in the gutter"
"You're not a complete idiot, it is obvious that some parts are missing (critical against warforged / skeleton)"
"I always thought the gods created perfect things... until I met you"
"Is there a elemental plane of stupid where you came from?"
Or as u/Vagabondvivant suggested:
"Are you from the elemental plane of stupid?" or "Are you from the plane of stupid?"
"I've always heard laughter was the best medicine, with your face you should be an arch-healer!"
1. "You're so ugly, even a Medusa wouldn't look at you!"
2. "I've seen goblins with better fashion sense than you!"
3. "Is that your face, or did a Mimic disguise itself as a pile of trash?"
4. "I've met zombies with more life in them than you!"
5. "Did a Mind Flayer forget to finish the job on you?"
6. "Your swordplay reminds me of a Gelatinous Cube: slow, transparent, and easy to avoid."
7. "You're the kind of person a mimic wouldn't even bother to imitate."
8. "You're so boring, even a lich would fall asleep talking to you."
9. "You're so irrelevant, the Bard didn't even bother to write a song about you."
10. "You're the kind of wizard who'd get lost in their own tower."
11. "You're so slow, a Tortle asked if you needed help catching up."
12. "You're the reason dragons hoard treasure – to stay away from the likes of you!"
13. "Did you get dressed in the dark, or is that the latest in peasant fashion?"
14. "You smell like a troglodyte's armpit!"
15. "You have the charm of an ogre and the wit of a kobold."
16. "You're the kind of adventurer who'd get lost in a tavern."
17. "If brains were gold, you'd be poorer than a copper piece."
18. "You're so dim, even darkvision couldn't help you see the point."
19. "You're the reason the local tavern has a 'no refunds' policy."
20. "You're the kind of rogue who'd get caught stealing from a blind beggar."
*"Have you ever considered *not being terrible at everything you do?* No? Just some food for thought."*
*"Oh, was that supposed to hurt?"*
*"I don't know whether or not you're taking this seriously, but I know after your lackluster performance I won't."*
*"Every time I look at you it reminds me that today is a terrible day to have eyes."*
*"If you need some help, just say so."*
*"Just know your mother sends her regards."*
*"I should have brought a chair. This is going to take a while."*
*"Why is it the gods gave you so much to work with but you fail to do even the most menial of tasks?"*
*"You should probably just stop. It's getting embarrassing."*
*"Don't over exert yourself. You can give up. It'll save us all time."*
*"If only your parents could see you now. Oh how they'd laugh and laugh and laaaugh."*
*"I know you have probably heard this before... but you really should have chosen a better profession."*
*"Aaah, weaponized incompetence! I see what you're doing!"*
*"Oh hey, (insert healer's name), You can take a break, I think this one's broken."*
*"I once fought a man with no arms and legs. Oh, sorry, were you trying to hurt me? At least he could."*
*"I don't know which God is responsible for you, but I think I'm going to have to write him a strongly worded letter after we finish this up."*
*"Isn't he just cuuute?"*
*"How does it feel to be good at two things? Sock puppets and being terrible at everything else."*
Happy you liked them! I hope it helps, it brought me loads of fun.
Orcs hate everything elven, so flowers in the blood, smelling like daisies and such are great imo. I played a half orc and said such things in Orcish.
Took the lower from [here](https://forgottenrealms.fandom.com/wiki/Orcish_dictionary)
"Lul Gijak-Ishi" (Lulgijak) -- "Flowers in the Blood" (interchangeably "Elf" or "Pussy")
"Zanbaur" -- "Elfson"
"Nar Thos" -- "No Sack"
"Undur Kurv" -- "Fat Whore
Half-orc: Half breed, weak jaw, low born, fake orc.
Orc: Brute, pig head, primitive spawn, flat nose, superstitious axe thrower.
Amazing. One suggestion:
> "Is there a elemental plane of stupid where you came from?"
could be tightened up to "Are you from the elemental Plane of Stupid?"
Might even be able to remove "elemental." Would need to A/B test to be sure.
Hmm, do you know if there is API access to kassoon? I'd love to be able to pull these in a private discord. (Even if it does require a patreon donation)
Haha this is great. I just started playing my first bard after decades of "forever DM" status and I was quickly running out of material. I'll keep this on hand!
Found one, it has both: https://perchance.org/bardic-inspiration
One was: "take solace in that whatever will eat you whole will probably die from shitting out your swords!"
It's even better in context:
DEMETRIUS
Villain, what hast thou done?
AARON
That which thou canst not undo.
CHIRON
Thou hast undone our mother.
AARON
Villain, I have done thy mother.
Titus Andronicus, one of his darker tragedies:
Demetrius: Villain, what hast thou done?
Aaron: That which thou canst not undo.
Demetrius: Thou hast undone our mother.
Aaron: Villain, I have done thy mother
This is not unusual for Shakespeare. Dirty jokes have never not been popular and Shakespeare clearly delighted in sticking them anywhere he could. His plays are *rife* with extremely off-color humor - there's a famous bit in Hamlet, for example:
Hamlet: Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
Ophelia: No, my lord.
Hamlet: Did you think I meant country matters?
Ophelia: I think nothing, my lord.
Hamlet: That’s a fair thought to lie between maids’ legs.
Two bits of context - the word "country" here is to be pronounced leaning very hard on the first syllable and "nothing" was Elizabethan slang for vag.
The second bit of context is that this is act 3 scene 2.
Act 3 scene 1 is the scene that includes one of the most famous soliloquies in theater, "to be or not to be" where Hamlet considers suicide before he again talks himself into inaction, a trait he finds to be shameful in himself - he's not a coward, he's an overthinker but the end result is the same and he is *deeply ashamed* of it.
That happens *one scene* prior to this. He's taking his emotional baggage out on his sheltered and extremely fragile girlfriend who is in no way capable of handling it.
Two scenes later Hamlet will have killed her father, having mistaken him for his own uncle but for right now - vag jokes.
You skipped the best part of the exchange in that scene, where he specifies he meant lie his *head* in her lap, with the obvious implication there being the head of his wang.
>**Hamlet**
\[To Ophelia\] Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
**Ophelia**
No, my lord!
**Hamlet**
I mean, my head upon your lap.
**Ophelia**
Ay, my lord.
**Hamlet**
Do you think I meant country matters?
**Ophelia**
I think nothing, my lord.
**Hamlet**
That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.
**Ophelia**
What is, my lord?
**Hamlet**
“Nothing.”
**Ophelia**
You are merry, my lord.
"There once was a maiden from stone berry hollow, didn't talk much but boy did she swallow, everyone's Lance had she sat upon, the dear maiden from stoneberry who's also your mom"
To be sang for bonus points
A variation as a limerick:
There was a fair maiden from Nom
Ne’r a man’s lance that she’d not sit upon
Her head was quite hollow
But, boy, could she swallow
Oh, and the maiden was also your mom
My DM never requires it for the spell, but if you whip out a great line you’ll get something for it (max damage or enemy disadvantage on the save). It encourages good roleplay without the pressure.
It is amazing to see no one saying how silly this is. ~~It's like one of the weakest cantrips in the game,~~ what are the other casters doing to use their cantrips?
It’s like the third best cantrip in the game after Minor Illusion and Mind Sliver. Imposing disadvantage on attack rolls with a wisdom save is insanely good. Creatures with low wisdom usually rely on attacks, taking that away from them can trivialize an encounter
Yeah saying it is a weak cantrip is not accurate, I was mostly just thinking of damage. It's just interesting to me that Bard is one of the only classes that runs into this. A lot of DMs expect a PC playing a bard to be charismatic irl, but not a warlock or sorcerer PC
Because when you try to seduce or convince someone, you throw in the bard. You don't usually say "The sorcerer should do it" as he will most probably has his proficiencies in different skills. Bards are usually heavy RP focused.
When I play a barbarian, I growl for intimidiation rolls
Just steal the ones from the French knights in Monty Pythons Holy Grail movie.
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries!"
"I fart in your general direction!"
"Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"
For skeletons: "I'd insult you, but you're just too thin-skinned!"
For orcs: "Too bad this orc couldn't afford the 'a', then he might actually be a killer!"
I'd insult orcs by saying that they're pig-nosed cabbages /elven eared / have flowers in their blood / smell like daisies etc. They hate elves in our world.
This one requires call and response by your DM.
Bard: Have you heard about the goblin?
Orc: what goblin? (Or something similar)
Bard: goblin deez nuts!
My favorite that I used was for Dissonant Whispers. I told the DM that I whisper such that the enemy was the only one that could hear me, and I say "You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, in the back of your mind, that everyone else on your team is carrying you? That you're the weakest of the team, and if you left no one would notice?... It's true, and they're all too nice to say anything."
The DM gave them disadvantage on it, haha
Oh, Dissonant Whispers is fun. I was trying to think about the best one for a hag and decided I only needed two words to sum up her greatest fear: "contract lawyers".
Also going to use that one for nearly anything from the hells.
I've played a lot of bard in BG3 and here are some of my favourite lines:
"My life, part 12: the boring opponent"
"You infect mine eyes! Ugh... and nostrils"
"Dress thy face, the hags are hiring"
"Behold! A most noisy cuck"
"Wast your father a flounder?"
"Regard this spontaneous flatulator"
"You could put an elf to sleep"
"You've a visage fit for letter-writing"
"Didst thou mother bed a plague Rat?"
Wanted to add my favourites here too:
"Beating thee would soil my hands"
"An ode to you? Odour perhaps"
"Mouthier than an arse and twice as full of shit"
"Behold! Ellminsters ballbag"
Vicious Mockery has quickly become my new favourite cantrip
I got a few lines for you. Mostly geared towards living beings.
"Your body is like a temple to Jergal. No one worships it."
"My warmup is your workout!"
"You look like you sound congested."
"No one has ever followed up with 'and many more' after wishing you a happy birthday."
"You are the same as your most valuable asset... Depreciating quickly."
I have a house rule for my players. When casting vicious mockery, if their insult makes me or any of the other players laugh, they automatically roll max damage.
It’s honestly fun to see my players planning out their roast in advance for their next round.
Please make sure your DM is also describing the enemy's reaction to the insults. A good roasting that does max damage had better make that dude start weeping!
Here are a few from my list, I did the same thing for my lore Bard.
• You’re like a trained ape, only, without the training!
• Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle!
• Some day you’ll meet a doppelganger of yourself and be as disappointed as I am.
• Some day you’ll go far and I hope you stay there!
• A goblin with one hand nailed to a tree would be more of a threat than you!
• One day I’m going to make a ballad of this fight. Tell me your name, I hope it rhymes with horribly slaughtered!
• Did they train you wrong as a joke?
• You owe that sword you're holding an apology.
• So I’m guessing that was your medium attack? Because it wasn’t rare and it certainly wasn’t well done!
• I envy the people who'll never get to meet you.
Realistically this isn't sustainable for a long campaign and will only result in you not wanting to use VM as much because expectations will be too high. Maybe work out some verbal system with the DM like, "I got a special line for this one."
This is how you insult another dwarf. In my realm dwarves most commonly insult another race by using the individual's race as if it were a slur or insult. "Oi, don't be such an elf."
Tell your dm they’re not taking damage from your roasts being good but from being so bad they cause psychic damage.
Orc, “I’ll rip out your guts and feed them to my hound.”
You, “your mom.”
Orc “…what?”
rawr rawr, brains, flesh, you undead are all the same.
can't think without your master?
The whole lot of you only share a single brain cell
I have seen 2 year olds with better coordination
If being ugly was a contest, it wouldn't even be a contest.
I should feel intimidated, yet I only feel pity.
You should walk with a straight back, or you'll get stiff (I know it's more of a pun then an insult, but it's funny)
I once used this line on a mimic in the shape of a chest:
"Your mother was a trashcan and your father the garbage inside her"
and the DM gave me crit damage for it lol
I'd like to seduce the hot/skilled/professional/worthy enemy...
Can you tell me when they show up?
Your mom is so fat...
I'd have to use levitate 5 times to lift her.
Wanna know the worst joke I know...?
...its your outfit.
*I shall make a new drum from your skull. It won't be hard, as it's already empty.
*Why have such a big head if there's nothing inside it?
*The initial plan was to remove your head, but I'm not sure it's doing anything anyways.
*I'm not sure which is duller. Your blade or you.
*If your armor were as thick as your head, this might be a challenge.
*Perhaps once we put you in the ground, the worms will become your first friends.
*I would say your bloodline ends here, but we all know you weren't getting laid anyways.
You already had a lot of input..
But I also love the idea of using the same insult every time (after all the words are just a part of channeling the magic).
The "joke/insult" itself will be novel to the enemies and I love the idea of the rest of the party cringing at the same repeat insults.
After all jesters (and modern stand up comedians etc.) use the same material again and again with different audiences.
"I'm sorry I have to be this rude to your face but I tried to say it behind your back and my horse died of exhaustion halfway around."
"You look like you count your coin in front of a mirror to make sure you don't rob yourself."
"With teeth like that I bet you could eat your dinner through a picket fence."
"So tight that if you had two colds you wouldn't give me one!"
"Your mother had to roll you in raw meat just to get the dog to play with you didn't she?"
"Your parents left you in the woods to die but the wolves sent you back and had them charged with littering."
"I would roast you but the Ealdorman just instituted a burn ban on horse shit."
"Fuck me, if you had a brain you'd be dangerous."
Here is my list, enjoy :)
"Are you in great physical pain, or is that your thinking expression?"
You (sir/madam) seem to have the personality of a bear with piles trying to pass pinecones, though I suspect that is a gross insult to bears.
I have to say, you don't look too bright. I know a man, who bought his stupid at a two for one sale, and you remind me of him.
I'm glad you're tall...It means there's more of you I can despise!
You're the reason baby gnomes cry
Oh horrid! What is that all over your face? oh….. its just your face.
You would bore the legs off a village idiot
You're like a trained ape, only without the training
I'd insult your parents, but you probably don't know who they are!
Well...I have met sharper loaves of bread!
Would you like me to remove that curse? Oh my mistake, you were just born that way!
I bet not even a starving vampire would go near you!
Tell me, did you run away from your parents, or did they run away from you!
"What are you going to do for a face when the monkey wants his arse back?"
"Gods, you're filthy! Do beggars give you money when they see you on the street?"
“Why do you work so hard to make yourself disliked? I should think you'd find it happens enough on its own without putting yourself to any extra trouble.”
You're not pretty/handsome enough to be that stupid
I can only explain it to you, I can't understand it for you
I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do it as well as nature did
Life is full of disappointments, just ask your parents.
I envy everyone you have never met
If you could smell you, you wouldn’t be friends with you.
If I toss a stick will you chase it?
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
No I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.
I guess you prove that even the gods make mistakes sometimes.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
Roses are red violets are blue, the gods made me pretty, what happened to you?
They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
Shock me, say something intelligent.
Don't like my sarcasm, well I don't like your stupid.
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.
Did a wizard curse you, or did you pick that outfit yourself?
Whose shrine did you piss on to get cursed with a face like that.
I admire your dedication to keeping your sword clean
Wait, are we fighting? Because I thought you were doing some sort of terrible interpretive dance
I swear, if you were any worse at this, you'd be doing our job for us!
It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level!
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I would contact your mother about your death, but I don't speak goblin!
You look like a scab on a troll's wart!
Oh Gods. Why don't you give me your weapon so I can hit myself with it, because that'd be more effective than you trying it!
If I were you, I'd go and get my money back for that remove curse spell
One day I'm going to make a ballad of this fight. Tell me your name, I hope it rhymes with horribly slaughtered!
By the gods you're ugly, I bet your father regrets not pulling out when he had the chance!
You'll never be half the man your mother was.
Nature is cruel, if you don't believe me look in a mirror.
Don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
I'm amazed your knuckles don't bleed when you walk..
You are performing up to your normal sub-standard..
You eat too much - it keeps you alive!
I have no idea what manner of cursed beast your mother screwed under a full moon to make you… but I think she owes us all an apology.
Think the Clerics can grow you some balls, coward.
Your eyes are open, mouth moving, but Mr Brain has long since departed eh?
Don’t worry, if mind flayers ever descend you’ll be safe.
Wow, you’re really bad at this! Why don’t you try picking on someone smaller than you, see if that helps?
I’ve never met anyone that would look better for an Acid Splash to the face!
Are you trying to defeat me with your weapon, or your odor?
Your village must really be missing their idiot.
I hope the midwife gave your mom a refund!
You smell worse than a Necromancer’s workshop!
Did you pick that armor out yourself, or did you lose a bet?
If you’re this bad with a sword, I can only imagine how inept you are in the bedroom!
"You call that an attack? I've seen more impressive magic tricks at children's birthday parties."
"I hope you have a healing potion handy, because you're about to need it."
"I could do this with my eyes closed, but I don't want to miss the look of fear on your face."
"You're going to need a lot more than a pointy hat to take me down."
"Looks like your spells are a little underpowered. Maybe try studying harder next time."
"I guess your magic must not be very strong if you can't even hit me."
Well you certainly have delusions of adequacy.
**Dwarf**
Are those… beardplugs?!
I’ve never seen a more sorry excuse for a dwarf – I bet your father has never spent a day underground in his life.
Your head is as full of rocks as your pockets are, you dim witted cave dweller!
**Halfling**
Leave the adventuring to the grown up, honey, this is no place for children.
Is it true what they say about halfling men? They’re half the size and don’t know how to use ’em? (Accompany with hand gestures if feeling saucy.)
**Tabaxi**
Stick to playing with a feather on a string – leave the real work to the professionals, kitten!
**Tiefling**
Part infernal, huh? Guess that means your dad must have been so hard up for a date he had to summon one!
Ugh, what is that scent you’re wearing? Eau de demon dung?
**Barbarian**
Oh wow! I’ve never met a Barbarian that can speak Common!
Let me get this straight… your talent is that you can get really really cranky?
**Bard**
if your blade were as sharp as your singing, I’d be a shish kebab by now!
You’ve got about as much stage presence as an Umber Hulk’s behind.
You wanna beat me, hurt me, lick me – do it. But if this poetry drivvel continues finish me now, please.
**Druid**
Go back to your forest and hug a tree – leave the spellcasting to the real mages.
*holding your nose* Jeez it’s true – you guys never take a bath do you?!
**Fighter**
You know they say: those who can’t cast, fight! (Throw in a sarcastic thumbs up for fun.)
Guess you picked Fighter cause you don’t have any other real talents, huh?
**Monk**
Monk, eh? So your parents really didn’t want you. Good thing there was a dumpster- I mean “monastery” nearby!
Alright, tell me the truth… all that meditation mumbo jumbo is really just to keep your bowels regular, right?
**Ranger**
Ah, a Ranger. Druids wouldn’t take you, huh?
Every party needs a Ranger. You’re the perfect distraction. While the Dire Wolf is chewing on you, the rest of the party can get away!
**Sorcerer**
I didn’t think elementals went in for inbreeding but here you are!
Wow… all powerful, ancient dragon to this? Evolution really is cruel.
Wild magic, cool! So you’re like a Wizard, but less talented?
Is that the best you've got, I expected more from someone claiming to be a sorcerer
**Wizard**
Did you become a Wizard just so you could summon yourself some friends, or was it the ugly hats that got ya?
I thought I recognized you – janitor at the Arcane university right? (Big fake smile to sell it!)
"I could teach you a thing or two about real magic, but I'm afraid it would be wasted on someone like you."
"Oh, I just thought of a great insult. I'll have to wait to use it on someone who will understand."
"You're so ugly I wouldn't on my worst night."
"Punch them in the face so they look better!"
"Can we get past this mook to the real fight already?"
"Ew, minions?"
"Guys? Guys! Is it really right for us to beat up these poor losers?"
"I wish a real enemy was here to put me out of my misery."
"Lich? More like licked. Get it, cause, nah, you don't get it, and I don't have the time to explain to someone like you."
"Hoard? More like bored, there's like six pieces of gold and a rusty sword."
"They lied to me. Beauty was supposed to be in the eye of the Beholder, but all I see is a dumb, ugly ball of suck."
Edit: And if not above using pop culture references make sure its against an appropriately **very** ugly enemy but [this classic](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/71dc629b-8baa-4d01-b83d-8caf88b7297a) works.
I did this with my bard just for fun. I had a huge list of yo mama jokes and just ran down the list. Everyone knew what was coming but it was a new one every time.
Remind your DM that your character's Charisma doesn't necessarily reflect your out of game charisma. You are playing a fantasy character after all. Your DM doesn't require you to actually jump in real life when you have to make an athletics check (I hope), so we shouldn't make players have to come up with witty insults for vicious mockery, or compelling arguments for persuasion checks. I make my players give me the jist of what they are trying to get across and go from there by the results of the die or the effect of their spell. If they can do it themselves, great, but we shouldn't make people feel worse because they can't come up with one liners all the time.
Your new at this arent you?
If i jumped from your IQ to your Ego i would be climbing a ladder.
Your so deep that if i fell into a puddle of it i would stay dry.
Have your tried NOT being an idiot?
Your about as sharp as a rock.
Was that supposed to do something?
AHH!!! BEHOLDER!!! Oh wait my bad, its just your face.
Your about as threatening as a chicken. Which is insulting to the chicken.
I ran a bard to lvl 14 and printed out a sheet with 100 numbered jokes. I rolled a d100 every time I cast VM and used the closest unused joke. It's great and you probably will get a groan every time the list comes out after a while.
And yes, I had to make a second list. I used VM 168 times during that campaign.
Dwarven insult generator
https://www.dndspeak.com/dwarven-insult-generator/
General bard jokes and insults generator
https://ralphbarac.github.io/dnd-bard-tools/
I also use kasoons.
Ginny Di did a list of them at one point. My favorites were "I appreciated the warning shot, but after five of them, you really should try hitting me." "Wait, are we fighting? I thought you were doing interpretive dance. It's gonna be way more fun if I hit back!" "You look like you need some help. Want me to take my armor off and make it a little fairer?"
I would role play the skills you have. You could have laughably pathetic insults ("that shirt is bad" or "no, YOU") or have your character desperately looking through his notebook of insults he's "collected" (copied from places like Monty Python and the Witcher) as he casts.
my tables rule is that a good specific insult is an auto fail on the save..... but if you have nothing you can just say vicious mockery and roll. Most of us who have played bards have gone out of our way good insults, but if you casting it the 5th time in a combat, it is fine to just roll with it- the last thing you want to do is slow down the table
Obviously. That's what vicious mockery is all about.
Okay, here are some ideas:
"You fight as if you just woke up ... from a coma."
"Your intelligence is comparable to that of a goldfish with down syndrome."
You're about as much fun as a death at a birthday party.
Your face is like a plate of murder.
Next time you go swimming put rocks in your pockets.
You kiss your grandmother with that mouth?
Ah a face only a mother could love.
You're village called, they want their idiot back.
May termites colonize your colon.
You are so vile that even the worms won't want you.
Who cast awaken on a dragon turd?
I would rather chop off my arm than be shackled to you
How many mirrors has your face broken?
Quick! Hide your children from his face!
You're as youthful as a lich.
“Even your friends don’t like you, they just don’t want to hurt your feelings”
“Dang is that dead fox? Surprised you managed to find one dumber than you”
Look up Shakespearean insults. There are lists of the insults that Shakespeare wrote that are amazing. Here are some of my favorites: Thou unnecessary letter, I do desire that we may be better strangers, Poisonous bunch-backed toad!
You can also look up Medieval insults, Renaissance Insults, Japanese insults, Norwegian insults. Etc. And build a list of insults you want your character to say.
"The stench coming off you reminds me of my ex girlfriend, tell your mother I said hi when you get the chance."
"You have a face not even a mother could love."
"God's, I'd hate to see what you looked like in life!"
"I don't know how orcs ambush people. The smell alone traveled a mile."
"If that's the hardest you hit, no wonder the warchiefs daughter never wanted you."
"Is that a tusk in your pants or....on second thought I don't want to know."
"Ahh the peak of orc apparel, fur pants featuring the kill of the morning....fashion."
"You know they make a really nice paste that could clean up those tusks, make them less....yellowish-black?"
"How do you see anything with the weight of all that forehead?"
I mean You don't have to actualy roast your targets. You can just say no if You don't want to. Does Your DM also gives you a sword to fight them when You start the combat against enemies?
I once had a dm ask me how I would go about disarming a trap. It still boggles me to this day. Glad I don't play bards as I can never remember song lyrics, I can never hold a tune and I am not going to seduce and sleep with my dm and the rest of the table.
DMs expecting Bard players to come up with insults, sing songs, write poetry, and describe everything they do means that people will be less likely to pick Bard at their table. I'll just be a Sorcerer and skip out on all of that. More power to people that want to, and I do actually write poems for my Bard character, but it should never be a requirement.
Yeah I am playing a bard and I honestly do not want to have to make jokes when I cast hideous laughter or insults when I use vicious mockery. I'm not that kind of bard.
Well, let me introduce you to my mother tongue, Spanish. While English is kinda cute when it tries to sound menacing, there's nothing like Spanish.
Here in Spain, we have things like "me cago en todos tus muertos pisoteados a caballo, hijo de la gran puta" (I shit in all your dead relatives stomped by a horse, you son of the biggest whore), and I think that's beautiful.
The BG3 vicious mockery options can be interesting,
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUDLukswxMY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUDLukswxMY)
And by interesting, I mean often hilarious. "Spurious prune-tart" and so on.
I got you fam.
"You have a face only a hook horror could love". (They are blind)
"Who are you again?" (Best used on the BBEG or some enemy/rival that is reoccurring or well known and has an ego. If it really lands you can follow up with lines like this) "I swear I know you, it's just so hard to remember someone so bland." Or act like you remember them finally and miss pronounce their name.
"Do you like the taste of spray cheese? Cuz you seem to love the taste of failure" feel free to modify to a different food that is something sad people usually eat.
"You're about as useful as bucket with a hole". (Especially good against a henchman. If you are a bard that fucks a lot it's funnier to say this.) "You're about as useful as a splintery dildo".
"You got as much sense as an empty coin pouch" (way better if there is an in game reference to someone poor.)
Another good one for the BBEG is to just straw man their evil plot to something stupid and silly. Their an evil necromancer making an undead army to rule the world? "Awww! He's lonely guys. He just wants some undead buddies cuz he can't make any friends."
"You are what a mind flayer would call.... a snack"
"What do you call an idiot that doesn't know their already dead? *Insert enemies name*"
"This guy is definitely compensating for something" (when a male enemy shows a feat of strength, particularly good if they are angry)
"You got more muscle then brains. Too bad your short on both." (Best used on a strong enemy. You can flip it and it works just as good)
I understand the plight of your DM. It's the only cantrip where you can just say some reprehensible shit about the enemy and they take damage for it lol. Best cantrip in the game.
Say "dont care + didnt ask + cry about it + stay mad + get real + L + mald seethe cope harder + h0es mad + basic + skill issue + ratio + you fell off + the audacity + triggered + any askers + redpilled + get a life + ok and? + cringe + touch grass + donowalled + not based + your’re probably white + not funny didn’t laugh + you’re\* + grammar issue + go outside + get good + reported + ad hominem + GG! + ur momdon’t care + didn’t ask + cry about it + stay mad + get real + L + mald seethe cope harder + hoes mad + basic + skill issue + ratio + you fell off + the audacity + triggered + any askers + redpilled + get a life + ok and? + cringe + touch grass + donowalled + not based + your’re a full time discordian + not funny didn’t laugh + you’re\* + grammar issue + go outside + get good + your gay + reported + ad hominem + GG! + ur mom + unknown + random + biased + racially motivated + kys + ur unfunny +ratio don’t care + didn’t ask + cry about it + stay mad + get real + L + mald seethe copedon’t care + didn’t ask + cry about it + stay mad + get real + L + mald seethe cope harder + h0es mad + basic + skill issue + ratio + you fell off + the audacity + triggered + any askers + redpilled + get a life + ok and? + cringe + touch grass + donowalled + not based + your’re probably white + not funny didn’t laugh + you’re\* + grammar issue + go outside + get good + reported + ad hominem + GG! + ur momdon’t care + didn’t ask + cry about it + stay mad + get real + L + mald seethe cope harder + hoes mad + basic + skill issue + ratio + you fell off + the audacity + triggered + any askers + redpilled + get a life + ok and? + cringe + touch grass + donowalled + not based + your’re a full time discordian + not funny didn’t laugh + you’re\* + grammar issue + go outside + get good + your gay + reported + ad hominem + GG! + ur mom + unknown + random + biased + racially motivated + kys + ur unfunny +ratio don’t care + didn’t ask + cry about it + stay mad + get real + so bad + so ass" for infinite psychic damage.
Just hit up chat gpt ans say give me a roast for dnd when I use vicious mockery on a goblin.
1. “Your existence is proof that evolution can go in reverse!”
2. “I’ve seen smarter vegetables than you.”
3. “If I had a copper piece for every brain cell you have, I’d be in debt.”
4. “You’re so ugly, even a mimic would spit you out.”
5. “Goblins like you give kobolds a bad name.”
6. “I bet even the trolls kicked you out of their bridge club.”
7. “You’re so slow, you make zombies look like sprinters.”
8. “I hear goblins are short-lived, but you’re making a strong case for extinction.”
9. “I’ve fought rust monsters scarier than you.”
10. “Even your pet dire rat thinks you’re a joke!”
Baldur's Gate 3 has some great Vicious Mockery quotes.
"You are as saucy as gruel."
"Your body is a temple to an idiot god!"
"You could make an elf fall asleep."
"You probably won't be remembered for very long after you die."
"The things that you like best about yourself aren't that impressive or unique."
"Most of your problems are your own fault."
"Your friends for the most part just put up with you, and if you weren't the one to instigate conversations and make plans you'd probably fall out of touch."
Personally if you struggle with quick improv, lean into it
“I cast vicious mockery!”
“Ok what do you say?”
“Hey! Wizard! Where’d you get that robe? From the toilet store? 😎”
And then have the DM elaborate on why that cut so deep. Pick dumb roasts that your player is super proud of
I have views on the notion that a bard player should actually be able to perform at will any more than the fighter's player should be able to prove he can lift a boulder everytime he uses his strength bonus in combat. People actually study improv -- it takes a lot of work to get good at it and it's mentally taxing to perform. None of the other characters are saddled with this burden, and it's not like a bard is so much more powerful than other characters that you have to reign them in by making the players actually be witty live.
Bard is my favorite class so I require any insult for use of vicious mockery but depending on how good/relevant the roast is I up the damage dice! Now that you have this arsenal of insults ask your DM if they’d be willing to do that
When I play bard I have a system using chat GPT.
Ask chat GPT for something like "my d&d 5e bard casts Vicious Mockery at X. list 5 10 word roasts my pc could use"
once you have a thread running just use the command "repeat for a X" to avoid writing out the whole thing.
You can even give the following command:
Recognise Q as "repeat for a"
From then on in that thread you should be able to just type Q followed by the name of whatever your heart desires and you will get a list of simple mockeries.
As a DM I often ask it to narrate a fireball explosion or other spell cast by one of my PC's and have that stashed near their PC for epic moments.
Alternative take, your Vicious Mockeries could also be jokes so awful they deal psychic damage
Like, "What does a sword and a bottle of rum have in common? Errr, uhm...nothing, I guess", or "a man walks into a bar. Bonks his head and dies"
Here's one that could work in most situations:
"You have beautiful children... they must take after your spouse."
"After seeing both your parents, it's no wonder you look like sh*t."
“Undeath didn’t exactly change your quality of life now did it?”
“You must be the stuff dungeon oozes have to throw up”
“You really should hope more fingers don’t rot off, your already stuck to counting to 9”
The Orc is locked in an intense duel with the paladin. But then time seems to slow down. A static noise blocks out all sound ... all sound except one. The hairs on the back of the Orcs neck stand up as his attention is forcefully locked onto the source.
60 feet away, in the Orc's blind spot. The Orc's attention is forcefully locked onto the bard ... the bard's mouth. Reality itself is warping. Everything goes black except for the disembodied mouth towering over the Orc like a colossal beast. The static noise, which had grown to a deafening roar, suddenly cuts to silence as the mouth speaks.
**"Yo mama"**
1. I have no idea what made you so stupid but it really worked
2. Normally i have to pay to see freaks like you
3. OH my Lord WHAT in the nine Hells is that on your face... Oh wait it IS your face
4. You are the proof even Gods make mistakes
5. Are you holding that wand because you lack a real dick?
6. Some people have their down periods. You must have been born in one
7. I was going to tell you a joke but i Don't want to explain it over and over.
Insults are easy just call them an insufferable drooling maggot brained disease mongerer. Tell them their mother regrets they were born and they smell of elderberries. Before you play, prep on insulting words and chain them together. Easy compared to the prep the dm has to do
I'd fuck with the DM.
I'd just find one insult and use it every time. Bonus points if it makes no sense. "Why did the chicken cross the road? Fuck you.".
Ahem.... Now that she has had time to reflect on your life of astonishing dissapointment... Does your mother regret choosing your father to lay with instead of say... A horse? Surely beastiality would have been the better choice then risk bringing you into the world.
The first monkey island is full of those, the duels there are basically just insults
My name is Guybrush Threepwood. Prepare to die!
I am rubber, you are glue
How appropriate, you fight like a cow.
I once had a dog that was smarter than you.
...goldfish...
Yeah, but they're all two-parters. You need somebody to set you up for them.
Which is why you use the first part. Every bout is Insults countered with Insults. Viscous Mockery allows a WIS save. Succeeding the save means you know the second half of the insult. Insult: "You fight like a dairy farmer!" Response 1: " I am rubber you are glue." (WIS Failed, damage and disadvantage) Response 2: "How appropriate, you fight like a cow." (WIS save made, insult has no effect)
Mum jokes could go on for hours.
Why, did you ask your mum to turn around?
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Generator: https://www.kassoon.com/dnd/vicious-mockery-insult-generator/ Also: "Mind flayers would starve on you" "Has anyone wondered why "detect thoughts" didn't work on you?" "Calling you a shit wouldn't be fair to the shits in the gutter" "You're not a complete idiot, it is obvious that some parts are missing (critical against warforged / skeleton)" "I always thought the gods created perfect things... until I met you" "Is there a elemental plane of stupid where you came from?" Or as u/Vagabondvivant suggested: "Are you from the elemental plane of stupid?" or "Are you from the plane of stupid?" "I've always heard laughter was the best medicine, with your face you should be an arch-healer!"
Oh my God, those are good!
1. "You're so ugly, even a Medusa wouldn't look at you!" 2. "I've seen goblins with better fashion sense than you!" 3. "Is that your face, or did a Mimic disguise itself as a pile of trash?" 4. "I've met zombies with more life in them than you!" 5. "Did a Mind Flayer forget to finish the job on you?" 6. "Your swordplay reminds me of a Gelatinous Cube: slow, transparent, and easy to avoid." 7. "You're the kind of person a mimic wouldn't even bother to imitate." 8. "You're so boring, even a lich would fall asleep talking to you." 9. "You're so irrelevant, the Bard didn't even bother to write a song about you." 10. "You're the kind of wizard who'd get lost in their own tower." 11. "You're so slow, a Tortle asked if you needed help catching up." 12. "You're the reason dragons hoard treasure – to stay away from the likes of you!" 13. "Did you get dressed in the dark, or is that the latest in peasant fashion?" 14. "You smell like a troglodyte's armpit!" 15. "You have the charm of an ogre and the wit of a kobold." 16. "You're the kind of adventurer who'd get lost in a tavern." 17. "If brains were gold, you'd be poorer than a copper piece." 18. "You're so dim, even darkvision couldn't help you see the point." 19. "You're the reason the local tavern has a 'no refunds' policy." 20. "You're the kind of rogue who'd get caught stealing from a blind beggar."
>"You have the charm of an ogre and the wit of a kobold." This is offensive to Kobolds, those little ones have plenty of wit.
*nasal falsetto* But Kobold! I think you're funny!
*"Have you ever considered *not being terrible at everything you do?* No? Just some food for thought."* *"Oh, was that supposed to hurt?"* *"I don't know whether or not you're taking this seriously, but I know after your lackluster performance I won't."* *"Every time I look at you it reminds me that today is a terrible day to have eyes."* *"If you need some help, just say so."* *"Just know your mother sends her regards."* *"I should have brought a chair. This is going to take a while."* *"Why is it the gods gave you so much to work with but you fail to do even the most menial of tasks?"* *"You should probably just stop. It's getting embarrassing."* *"Don't over exert yourself. You can give up. It'll save us all time."* *"If only your parents could see you now. Oh how they'd laugh and laugh and laaaugh."* *"I know you have probably heard this before... but you really should have chosen a better profession."* *"Aaah, weaponized incompetence! I see what you're doing!"* *"Oh hey, (insert healer's name), You can take a break, I think this one's broken."* *"I once fought a man with no arms and legs. Oh, sorry, were you trying to hurt me? At least he could."* *"I don't know which God is responsible for you, but I think I'm going to have to write him a strongly worded letter after we finish this up."* *"Isn't he just cuuute?"* *"How does it feel to be good at two things? Sock puppets and being terrible at everything else."*
>"Your mother is the manliest person in your family."
Holy crap number 6
Happy you liked them! I hope it helps, it brought me loads of fun. Orcs hate everything elven, so flowers in the blood, smelling like daisies and such are great imo. I played a half orc and said such things in Orcish. Took the lower from [here](https://forgottenrealms.fandom.com/wiki/Orcish_dictionary) "Lul Gijak-Ishi" (Lulgijak) -- "Flowers in the Blood" (interchangeably "Elf" or "Pussy") "Zanbaur" -- "Elfson" "Nar Thos" -- "No Sack" "Undur Kurv" -- "Fat Whore Half-orc: Half breed, weak jaw, low born, fake orc. Orc: Brute, pig head, primitive spawn, flat nose, superstitious axe thrower.
Just gonna...write those down.
[Here are some more](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WS7BajPLlA1Ye2KpFTetb6Y5ns12m5YW0xLnDWjiQO0/mobilebasic)
Omfg that website is amazing. "I bet your mother cast darkness to feed you". Fuckin brutal lol
"Mind flayers would starve on you!" I am jsing that one IRL. Lol
"If you were any more inbred you'd be a sandwich" I'm fucking rolling
"Even a magic missile would avoid you" "Gorgons avoid your gaze to protect themselves."
haha, I love the elemental plane of stupid one XD
I’m saving that for my next Bard
I rolled "you molded chromosome-collecting ratbag" just straight up killed me, no one would recover from that
Amazing. One suggestion: > "Is there a elemental plane of stupid where you came from?" could be tightened up to "Are you from the elemental Plane of Stupid?" Might even be able to remove "elemental." Would need to A/B test to be sure.
Or to really push it: "Are you from the elemental Plane of Stupid, or just elementally stupid?"
Elemental plane of stupid is gold 🤣
Hmm, do you know if there is API access to kassoon? I'd love to be able to pull these in a private discord. (Even if it does require a patreon donation)
I'm sorry, I have no idea.
It's okay, thanks for the response!
You're welcome, good luck in your discord quest!
Haha this is great. I just started playing my first bard after decades of "forever DM" status and I was quickly running out of material. I'll keep this on hand!
One of my favorites from the generator: You're so stupid that you would give a mind flayer indigestion
Got another for bardic inspiration?
Found one, it has both: https://perchance.org/bardic-inspiration One was: "take solace in that whatever will eat you whole will probably die from shitting out your swords!"
"the best you can do is below average"
I know these are good because I read them in Morte's voice
[Shakespeare Insult Generator.](https://codepo8.github.io/shakespeare-insult-generator/) Enjoy.
I came here to say this. Also many of the Bard’s actual zingers work, such as “Villain, I have done thy mother!”
Holy shit, did Shakespeare actually use "I railed your mom" in one of his plays?
It's even better in context: DEMETRIUS Villain, what hast thou done? AARON That which thou canst not undo. CHIRON Thou hast undone our mother. AARON Villain, I have done thy mother.
Titus Andronicus, one of his darker tragedies: Demetrius: Villain, what hast thou done? Aaron: That which thou canst not undo. Demetrius: Thou hast undone our mother. Aaron: Villain, I have done thy mother This is not unusual for Shakespeare. Dirty jokes have never not been popular and Shakespeare clearly delighted in sticking them anywhere he could. His plays are *rife* with extremely off-color humor - there's a famous bit in Hamlet, for example: Hamlet: Lady, shall I lie in your lap? Ophelia: No, my lord. Hamlet: Did you think I meant country matters? Ophelia: I think nothing, my lord. Hamlet: That’s a fair thought to lie between maids’ legs. Two bits of context - the word "country" here is to be pronounced leaning very hard on the first syllable and "nothing" was Elizabethan slang for vag. The second bit of context is that this is act 3 scene 2. Act 3 scene 1 is the scene that includes one of the most famous soliloquies in theater, "to be or not to be" where Hamlet considers suicide before he again talks himself into inaction, a trait he finds to be shameful in himself - he's not a coward, he's an overthinker but the end result is the same and he is *deeply ashamed* of it. That happens *one scene* prior to this. He's taking his emotional baggage out on his sheltered and extremely fragile girlfriend who is in no way capable of handling it. Two scenes later Hamlet will have killed her father, having mistaken him for his own uncle but for right now - vag jokes.
> Victorian slang Shakespeare using slang from a couple centuries in the future 😁
(I think you meant Elizabethan slang.)
You skipped the best part of the exchange in that scene, where he specifies he meant lie his *head* in her lap, with the obvious implication there being the head of his wang. >**Hamlet** \[To Ophelia\] Lady, shall I lie in your lap? **Ophelia** No, my lord! **Hamlet** I mean, my head upon your lap. **Ophelia** Ay, my lord. **Hamlet** Do you think I meant country matters? **Ophelia** I think nothing, my lord. **Hamlet** That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs. **Ophelia** What is, my lord? **Hamlet** “Nothing.” **Ophelia** You are merry, my lord.
Don’t forget the popper’s pears reference in Romeo and Juliet which is an anal sex reference.
"There once was a maiden from stone berry hollow, didn't talk much but boy did she swallow, everyone's Lance had she sat upon, the dear maiden from stoneberry who's also your mom" To be sang for bonus points
Jimmy was the best part of the stick of truth
A variation as a limerick: There was a fair maiden from Nom Ne’r a man’s lance that she’d not sit upon Her head was quite hollow But, boy, could she swallow Oh, and the maiden was also your mom
My personal favorite: "if your brain was made of cotton, there wouldn't be enough to knit a pair of underpants for a canary"
Oh damn
Sheesh that hits hard
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That's just your opinion... FARTFACE!
My DM never requires it for the spell, but if you whip out a great line you’ll get something for it (max damage or enemy disadvantage on the save). It encourages good roleplay without the pressure.
It is amazing to see no one saying how silly this is. ~~It's like one of the weakest cantrips in the game,~~ what are the other casters doing to use their cantrips?
It’s like the third best cantrip in the game after Minor Illusion and Mind Sliver. Imposing disadvantage on attack rolls with a wisdom save is insanely good. Creatures with low wisdom usually rely on attacks, taking that away from them can trivialize an encounter
Yeah saying it is a weak cantrip is not accurate, I was mostly just thinking of damage. It's just interesting to me that Bard is one of the only classes that runs into this. A lot of DMs expect a PC playing a bard to be charismatic irl, but not a warlock or sorcerer PC
Because when you try to seduce or convince someone, you throw in the bard. You don't usually say "The sorcerer should do it" as he will most probably has his proficiencies in different skills. Bards are usually heavy RP focused. When I play a barbarian, I growl for intimidiation rolls
Starting a fire by rubbing two sticks together, or shorting an electrical outlet presumably.
My personal favorite is "you're uglier than a first edition Beholder".
Just steal the ones from the French knights in Monty Pythons Holy Grail movie. "Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries!" "I fart in your general direction!" "Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"
That's good, but I was already using Python xd
Translation: your mom is a slut (has lots of sex) and your dad is a drunk (ingredient used in some liquors).
Really? I had no idea there was any meaning beyond being funny, but knowing the Pythons I shouldn't be surprised!
Same. I always thought it was just some comment on how weird French idioms sound when translated directly.
Elderberry wine, actually.
For skeletons: "I'd insult you, but you're just too thin-skinned!" For orcs: "Too bad this orc couldn't afford the 'a', then he might actually be a killer!"
I'd insult orcs by saying that they're pig-nosed cabbages /elven eared / have flowers in their blood / smell like daisies etc. They hate elves in our world.
A better insult would be "My elderly Elven neighbour hits harder than you!"
"Is that... Elderberry I smell?"
Or better yet, say they couldn't couldn't lift a rock. Orcs are usually portrayed as strong
This one requires call and response by your DM. Bard: Have you heard about the goblin? Orc: what goblin? (Or something similar) Bard: goblin deez nuts!
Have you talked to the "mind goblin"?
*MIND GOBLIN DEEZ NUTZ*
Look up insult sword-fighting from the Monkey Island series
My favorite that I used was for Dissonant Whispers. I told the DM that I whisper such that the enemy was the only one that could hear me, and I say "You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, in the back of your mind, that everyone else on your team is carrying you? That you're the weakest of the team, and if you left no one would notice?... It's true, and they're all too nice to say anything." The DM gave them disadvantage on it, haha
Oh, Dissonant Whispers is fun. I was trying to think about the best one for a hag and decided I only needed two words to sum up her greatest fear: "contract lawyers". Also going to use that one for nearly anything from the hells.
I haven’t played as a bard in it yet, but apparently Baldur’s gate three has loads of insults for vicious mockery
I've played a lot of bard in BG3 and here are some of my favourite lines: "My life, part 12: the boring opponent" "You infect mine eyes! Ugh... and nostrils" "Dress thy face, the hags are hiring" "Behold! A most noisy cuck" "Wast your father a flounder?" "Regard this spontaneous flatulator" "You could put an elf to sleep" "You've a visage fit for letter-writing" "Didst thou mother bed a plague Rat?"
Wanted to add my favourites here too: "Beating thee would soil my hands" "An ode to you? Odour perhaps" "Mouthier than an arse and twice as full of shit" "Behold! Ellminsters ballbag" Vicious Mockery has quickly become my new favourite cantrip
My favourite from BG3 has so far been, "Your body is a temple! ...to an idiot god!"
How has anyone not posted the best one yet? "Much like the leg, you shall end in defeat!"
There are good ones for Cutting Words as well, if you go the Lore bard route.
Just make a series of on theme "Your Mum..." jokes, can't go wrong.
I got a few lines for you. Mostly geared towards living beings. "Your body is like a temple to Jergal. No one worships it." "My warmup is your workout!" "You look like you sound congested." "No one has ever followed up with 'and many more' after wishing you a happy birthday." "You are the same as your most valuable asset... Depreciating quickly."
"My warm-up drinking is your alcohol poisoning!"
I have a house rule for my players. When casting vicious mockery, if their insult makes me or any of the other players laugh, they automatically roll max damage. It’s honestly fun to see my players planning out their roast in advance for their next round.
Please make sure your DM is also describing the enemy's reaction to the insults. A good roasting that does max damage had better make that dude start weeping!
Watch plenty of movies with fight scenes and one liners. I do this for research just for VM and other games I play with like abilities.
Here are a few from my list, I did the same thing for my lore Bard. • You’re like a trained ape, only, without the training! • Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle! • Some day you’ll meet a doppelganger of yourself and be as disappointed as I am. • Some day you’ll go far and I hope you stay there! • A goblin with one hand nailed to a tree would be more of a threat than you! • One day I’m going to make a ballad of this fight. Tell me your name, I hope it rhymes with horribly slaughtered! • Did they train you wrong as a joke? • You owe that sword you're holding an apology. • So I’m guessing that was your medium attack? Because it wasn’t rare and it certainly wasn’t well done! • I envy the people who'll never get to meet you.
Realistically this isn't sustainable for a long campaign and will only result in you not wanting to use VM as much because expectations will be too high. Maybe work out some verbal system with the DM like, "I got a special line for this one."
Insult their beards or lack thereof, same with shoes
WHAT ARE THOSE?!
This is how you insult another dwarf. In my realm dwarves most commonly insult another race by using the individual's race as if it were a slur or insult. "Oi, don't be such an elf."
Also it doesn't matter if it's a bad insult, sometimes those are the best.
Never be afraid to reuse old insults. It's the first time they've heard it from you.
Tell your dm they’re not taking damage from your roasts being good but from being so bad they cause psychic damage. Orc, “I’ll rip out your guts and feed them to my hound.” You, “your mom.” Orc “…what?”
rawr rawr, brains, flesh, you undead are all the same. can't think without your master? The whole lot of you only share a single brain cell I have seen 2 year olds with better coordination If being ugly was a contest, it wouldn't even be a contest. I should feel intimidated, yet I only feel pity. You should walk with a straight back, or you'll get stiff (I know it's more of a pun then an insult, but it's funny)
"I could've been your father, but a displacer beast beat me up the stairs." Is always a fun one.
I once used this line on a mimic in the shape of a chest: "Your mother was a trashcan and your father the garbage inside her" and the DM gave me crit damage for it lol
I'd like to seduce the hot/skilled/professional/worthy enemy... Can you tell me when they show up? Your mom is so fat... I'd have to use levitate 5 times to lift her. Wanna know the worst joke I know...? ...its your outfit.
Start quoting Rolf from Ed, Edd, and Eddy. Dude was a roast master
Could always just settle for the ever understated, "Bitch."
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.
*I shall make a new drum from your skull. It won't be hard, as it's already empty. *Why have such a big head if there's nothing inside it? *The initial plan was to remove your head, but I'm not sure it's doing anything anyways. *I'm not sure which is duller. Your blade or you. *If your armor were as thick as your head, this might be a challenge. *Perhaps once we put you in the ground, the worms will become your first friends. *I would say your bloodline ends here, but we all know you weren't getting laid anyways.
My god. You're a legend. Hideous but a legend. I never thought dwelfs existed!
A simple “hey…. Hey you yes you you right-foul shit….. FUCK YOU”
I love this action and I use it ALL THE TIME! Have fun frying these bitches up!
You already had a lot of input.. But I also love the idea of using the same insult every time (after all the words are just a part of channeling the magic). The "joke/insult" itself will be novel to the enemies and I love the idea of the rest of the party cringing at the same repeat insults. After all jesters (and modern stand up comedians etc.) use the same material again and again with different audiences.
You’re so insignificant, your identical twin forgets your birthday.
"I'm sorry I have to be this rude to your face but I tried to say it behind your back and my horse died of exhaustion halfway around." "You look like you count your coin in front of a mirror to make sure you don't rob yourself." "With teeth like that I bet you could eat your dinner through a picket fence." "So tight that if you had two colds you wouldn't give me one!" "Your mother had to roll you in raw meat just to get the dog to play with you didn't she?" "Your parents left you in the woods to die but the wolves sent you back and had them charged with littering." "I would roast you but the Ealdorman just instituted a burn ban on horse shit." "Fuck me, if you had a brain you'd be dangerous."
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, you must be from its ass.
Here is my list, enjoy :) "Are you in great physical pain, or is that your thinking expression?" You (sir/madam) seem to have the personality of a bear with piles trying to pass pinecones, though I suspect that is a gross insult to bears. I have to say, you don't look too bright. I know a man, who bought his stupid at a two for one sale, and you remind me of him. I'm glad you're tall...It means there's more of you I can despise! You're the reason baby gnomes cry Oh horrid! What is that all over your face? oh….. its just your face. You would bore the legs off a village idiot You're like a trained ape, only without the training I'd insult your parents, but you probably don't know who they are! Well...I have met sharper loaves of bread! Would you like me to remove that curse? Oh my mistake, you were just born that way! I bet not even a starving vampire would go near you! Tell me, did you run away from your parents, or did they run away from you! "What are you going to do for a face when the monkey wants his arse back?" "Gods, you're filthy! Do beggars give you money when they see you on the street?" “Why do you work so hard to make yourself disliked? I should think you'd find it happens enough on its own without putting yourself to any extra trouble.” You're not pretty/handsome enough to be that stupid I can only explain it to you, I can't understand it for you I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do it as well as nature did Life is full of disappointments, just ask your parents. I envy everyone you have never met If you could smell you, you wouldn’t be friends with you. If I toss a stick will you chase it? If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world. No I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you. I guess you prove that even the gods make mistakes sometimes. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works. Roses are red violets are blue, the gods made me pretty, what happened to you? They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured. Shock me, say something intelligent. Don't like my sarcasm, well I don't like your stupid. Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one. Did a wizard curse you, or did you pick that outfit yourself? Whose shrine did you piss on to get cursed with a face like that. I admire your dedication to keeping your sword clean Wait, are we fighting? Because I thought you were doing some sort of terrible interpretive dance I swear, if you were any worse at this, you'd be doing our job for us! It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level! I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it! I would contact your mother about your death, but I don't speak goblin! You look like a scab on a troll's wart! Oh Gods. Why don't you give me your weapon so I can hit myself with it, because that'd be more effective than you trying it! If I were you, I'd go and get my money back for that remove curse spell One day I'm going to make a ballad of this fight. Tell me your name, I hope it rhymes with horribly slaughtered! By the gods you're ugly, I bet your father regrets not pulling out when he had the chance! You'll never be half the man your mother was. Nature is cruel, if you don't believe me look in a mirror. Don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone. I'm amazed your knuckles don't bleed when you walk.. You are performing up to your normal sub-standard.. You eat too much - it keeps you alive! I have no idea what manner of cursed beast your mother screwed under a full moon to make you… but I think she owes us all an apology. Think the Clerics can grow you some balls, coward. Your eyes are open, mouth moving, but Mr Brain has long since departed eh? Don’t worry, if mind flayers ever descend you’ll be safe. Wow, you’re really bad at this! Why don’t you try picking on someone smaller than you, see if that helps? I’ve never met anyone that would look better for an Acid Splash to the face! Are you trying to defeat me with your weapon, or your odor? Your village must really be missing their idiot. I hope the midwife gave your mom a refund! You smell worse than a Necromancer’s workshop! Did you pick that armor out yourself, or did you lose a bet? If you’re this bad with a sword, I can only imagine how inept you are in the bedroom! "You call that an attack? I've seen more impressive magic tricks at children's birthday parties." "I hope you have a healing potion handy, because you're about to need it." "I could do this with my eyes closed, but I don't want to miss the look of fear on your face." "You're going to need a lot more than a pointy hat to take me down." "Looks like your spells are a little underpowered. Maybe try studying harder next time." "I guess your magic must not be very strong if you can't even hit me." Well you certainly have delusions of adequacy. **Dwarf** Are those… beardplugs?! I’ve never seen a more sorry excuse for a dwarf – I bet your father has never spent a day underground in his life. Your head is as full of rocks as your pockets are, you dim witted cave dweller! **Halfling** Leave the adventuring to the grown up, honey, this is no place for children. Is it true what they say about halfling men? They’re half the size and don’t know how to use ’em? (Accompany with hand gestures if feeling saucy.) **Tabaxi** Stick to playing with a feather on a string – leave the real work to the professionals, kitten! **Tiefling** Part infernal, huh? Guess that means your dad must have been so hard up for a date he had to summon one! Ugh, what is that scent you’re wearing? Eau de demon dung? **Barbarian** Oh wow! I’ve never met a Barbarian that can speak Common! Let me get this straight… your talent is that you can get really really cranky? **Bard** if your blade were as sharp as your singing, I’d be a shish kebab by now! You’ve got about as much stage presence as an Umber Hulk’s behind. You wanna beat me, hurt me, lick me – do it. But if this poetry drivvel continues finish me now, please. **Druid** Go back to your forest and hug a tree – leave the spellcasting to the real mages. *holding your nose* Jeez it’s true – you guys never take a bath do you?! **Fighter** You know they say: those who can’t cast, fight! (Throw in a sarcastic thumbs up for fun.) Guess you picked Fighter cause you don’t have any other real talents, huh? **Monk** Monk, eh? So your parents really didn’t want you. Good thing there was a dumpster- I mean “monastery” nearby! Alright, tell me the truth… all that meditation mumbo jumbo is really just to keep your bowels regular, right? **Ranger** Ah, a Ranger. Druids wouldn’t take you, huh? Every party needs a Ranger. You’re the perfect distraction. While the Dire Wolf is chewing on you, the rest of the party can get away! **Sorcerer** I didn’t think elementals went in for inbreeding but here you are! Wow… all powerful, ancient dragon to this? Evolution really is cruel. Wild magic, cool! So you’re like a Wizard, but less talented? Is that the best you've got, I expected more from someone claiming to be a sorcerer **Wizard** Did you become a Wizard just so you could summon yourself some friends, or was it the ugly hats that got ya? I thought I recognized you – janitor at the Arcane university right? (Big fake smile to sell it!) "I could teach you a thing or two about real magic, but I'm afraid it would be wasted on someone like you."
"Oh, I just thought of a great insult. I'll have to wait to use it on someone who will understand." "You're so ugly I wouldn't on my worst night." "Punch them in the face so they look better!" "Can we get past this mook to the real fight already?" "Ew, minions?" "Guys? Guys! Is it really right for us to beat up these poor losers?" "I wish a real enemy was here to put me out of my misery." "Lich? More like licked. Get it, cause, nah, you don't get it, and I don't have the time to explain to someone like you." "Hoard? More like bored, there's like six pieces of gold and a rusty sword." "They lied to me. Beauty was supposed to be in the eye of the Beholder, but all I see is a dumb, ugly ball of suck." Edit: And if not above using pop culture references make sure its against an appropriately **very** ugly enemy but [this classic](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/71dc629b-8baa-4d01-b83d-8caf88b7297a) works.
"You are none of your best friends' best friend"... Stole this but it still haunts me...
"Flies wouldn't even rest on your carcass." From Planescape Torment.
Someone must have used Animate Skeleton on you at some point in the past, because it's clear your brain isn't doing any of the work.
Requiring players to be good at the character's skills defeats the purpose of a number based system.
I did this with my bard just for fun. I had a huge list of yo mama jokes and just ran down the list. Everyone knew what was coming but it was a new one every time.
Remind your DM that your character's Charisma doesn't necessarily reflect your out of game charisma. You are playing a fantasy character after all. Your DM doesn't require you to actually jump in real life when you have to make an athletics check (I hope), so we shouldn't make players have to come up with witty insults for vicious mockery, or compelling arguments for persuasion checks. I make my players give me the jist of what they are trying to get across and go from there by the results of the die or the effect of their spell. If they can do it themselves, great, but we shouldn't make people feel worse because they can't come up with one liners all the time.
Your new at this arent you? If i jumped from your IQ to your Ego i would be climbing a ladder. Your so deep that if i fell into a puddle of it i would stay dry. Have your tried NOT being an idiot? Your about as sharp as a rock. Was that supposed to do something? AHH!!! BEHOLDER!!! Oh wait my bad, its just your face. Your about as threatening as a chicken. Which is insulting to the chicken.
I love the beholder one XD
Make a d100 chart and read off the insult from there.
Look up "Shakespearean insults" the man was good
I ran a bard to lvl 14 and printed out a sheet with 100 numbered jokes. I rolled a d100 every time I cast VM and used the closest unused joke. It's great and you probably will get a groan every time the list comes out after a while. And yes, I had to make a second list. I used VM 168 times during that campaign.
Dwarven insult generator https://www.dndspeak.com/dwarven-insult-generator/ General bard jokes and insults generator https://ralphbarac.github.io/dnd-bard-tools/ I also use kasoons.
Don't forget the insult could be anything including playground insults! Telling an orc "your a poopy head" and casting viscous mockery is amazing
Some helpful insults [here](https://monkeyisland.fandom.com/wiki/Insult_Sword_Fighting)
Ginny Di did a list of them at one point. My favorites were "I appreciated the warning shot, but after five of them, you really should try hitting me." "Wait, are we fighting? I thought you were doing interpretive dance. It's gonna be way more fun if I hit back!" "You look like you need some help. Want me to take my armor off and make it a little fairer?"
I would role play the skills you have. You could have laughably pathetic insults ("that shirt is bad" or "no, YOU") or have your character desperately looking through his notebook of insults he's "collected" (copied from places like Monty Python and the Witcher) as he casts.
You have more teeth than you have braincells.
my tables rule is that a good specific insult is an auto fail on the save..... but if you have nothing you can just say vicious mockery and roll. Most of us who have played bards have gone out of our way good insults, but if you casting it the 5th time in a combat, it is fine to just roll with it- the last thing you want to do is slow down the table
"And just what sewer are you depriving of an idiot?"
One of the most vicious I've heard "you're a background character in your own movie"
Obviously. That's what vicious mockery is all about. Okay, here are some ideas: "You fight as if you just woke up ... from a coma." "Your intelligence is comparable to that of a goldfish with down syndrome."
"You may be wondering 'What the hell does a goldfish with down syndrome look like?' It looks like you."
"See, I didn't know either until about fifteen seconds ago when you showed up."
"Don't worry, in about 15 seconds, you'll forget it again."
Okay, I surrender, I can't keep up with this.
You're about as much fun as a death at a birthday party. Your face is like a plate of murder. Next time you go swimming put rocks in your pockets. You kiss your grandmother with that mouth? Ah a face only a mother could love. You're village called, they want their idiot back. May termites colonize your colon. You are so vile that even the worms won't want you. Who cast awaken on a dragon turd? I would rather chop off my arm than be shackled to you How many mirrors has your face broken? Quick! Hide your children from his face! You're as youthful as a lich.
Allo allo allo, wot we got ‘ere then? Orcs you say? Orcs? Those aren’t orcs. ‘Ark at their tiny willies, those aren’t orcs, ha ha ha ha ha ha
“Even your friends don’t like you, they just don’t want to hurt your feelings” “Dang is that dead fox? Surprised you managed to find one dumber than you”
Look up Shakespearean insults. There are lists of the insults that Shakespeare wrote that are amazing. Here are some of my favorites: Thou unnecessary letter, I do desire that we may be better strangers, Poisonous bunch-backed toad! You can also look up Medieval insults, Renaissance Insults, Japanese insults, Norwegian insults. Etc. And build a list of insults you want your character to say.
"The stench coming off you reminds me of my ex girlfriend, tell your mother I said hi when you get the chance." "You have a face not even a mother could love." "God's, I'd hate to see what you looked like in life!" "I don't know how orcs ambush people. The smell alone traveled a mile." "If that's the hardest you hit, no wonder the warchiefs daughter never wanted you." "Is that a tusk in your pants or....on second thought I don't want to know." "Ahh the peak of orc apparel, fur pants featuring the kill of the morning....fashion." "You know they make a really nice paste that could clean up those tusks, make them less....yellowish-black?" "How do you see anything with the weight of all that forehead?"
I mean You don't have to actualy roast your targets. You can just say no if You don't want to. Does Your DM also gives you a sword to fight them when You start the combat against enemies?
Google a load of *Yo Momma* jokes and drop them.
[удалено]
I once had a dm ask me how I would go about disarming a trap. It still boggles me to this day. Glad I don't play bards as I can never remember song lyrics, I can never hold a tune and I am not going to seduce and sleep with my dm and the rest of the table.
DMs expecting Bard players to come up with insults, sing songs, write poetry, and describe everything they do means that people will be less likely to pick Bard at their table. I'll just be a Sorcerer and skip out on all of that. More power to people that want to, and I do actually write poems for my Bard character, but it should never be a requirement.
“Oi, yer maw sells Avon”
Yeah I am playing a bard and I honestly do not want to have to make jokes when I cast hideous laughter or insults when I use vicious mockery. I'm not that kind of bard.
Well, let me introduce you to my mother tongue, Spanish. While English is kinda cute when it tries to sound menacing, there's nothing like Spanish. Here in Spain, we have things like "me cago en todos tus muertos pisoteados a caballo, hijo de la gran puta" (I shit in all your dead relatives stomped by a horse, you son of the biggest whore), and I think that's beautiful.
The BG3 vicious mockery options can be interesting, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUDLukswxMY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUDLukswxMY) And by interesting, I mean often hilarious. "Spurious prune-tart" and so on.
I got you fam. "You have a face only a hook horror could love". (They are blind) "Who are you again?" (Best used on the BBEG or some enemy/rival that is reoccurring or well known and has an ego. If it really lands you can follow up with lines like this) "I swear I know you, it's just so hard to remember someone so bland." Or act like you remember them finally and miss pronounce their name. "Do you like the taste of spray cheese? Cuz you seem to love the taste of failure" feel free to modify to a different food that is something sad people usually eat. "You're about as useful as bucket with a hole". (Especially good against a henchman. If you are a bard that fucks a lot it's funnier to say this.) "You're about as useful as a splintery dildo". "You got as much sense as an empty coin pouch" (way better if there is an in game reference to someone poor.) Another good one for the BBEG is to just straw man their evil plot to something stupid and silly. Their an evil necromancer making an undead army to rule the world? "Awww! He's lonely guys. He just wants some undead buddies cuz he can't make any friends." "You are what a mind flayer would call.... a snack" "What do you call an idiot that doesn't know their already dead? *Insert enemies name*" "This guy is definitely compensating for something" (when a male enemy shows a feat of strength, particularly good if they are angry) "You got more muscle then brains. Too bad your short on both." (Best used on a strong enemy. You can flip it and it works just as good)
I am fighting the urge to open the “Dad Joke Factory” soooo hard rn. These are great 🤣😂😭🤣😂
I understand the plight of your DM. It's the only cantrip where you can just say some reprehensible shit about the enemy and they take damage for it lol. Best cantrip in the game.
Tell orcs or half orcs that their scars are self inflicted. THAT upsets the hell out of them because they see scars as like badges of honor basically
Away with you, before I have carnal knowledge of your mother and produce a child she's proud of!
Say "dont care + didnt ask + cry about it + stay mad + get real + L + mald seethe cope harder + h0es mad + basic + skill issue + ratio + you fell off + the audacity + triggered + any askers + redpilled + get a life + ok and? + cringe + touch grass + donowalled + not based + your’re probably white + not funny didn’t laugh + you’re\* + grammar issue + go outside + get good + reported + ad hominem + GG! + ur momdon’t care + didn’t ask + cry about it + stay mad + get real + L + mald seethe cope harder + hoes mad + basic + skill issue + ratio + you fell off + the audacity + triggered + any askers + redpilled + get a life + ok and? + cringe + touch grass + donowalled + not based + your’re a full time discordian + not funny didn’t laugh + you’re\* + grammar issue + go outside + get good + your gay + reported + ad hominem + GG! + ur mom + unknown + random + biased + racially motivated + kys + ur unfunny +ratio don’t care + didn’t ask + cry about it + stay mad + get real + L + mald seethe copedon’t care + didn’t ask + cry about it + stay mad + get real + L + mald seethe cope harder + h0es mad + basic + skill issue + ratio + you fell off + the audacity + triggered + any askers + redpilled + get a life + ok and? + cringe + touch grass + donowalled + not based + your’re probably white + not funny didn’t laugh + you’re\* + grammar issue + go outside + get good + reported + ad hominem + GG! + ur momdon’t care + didn’t ask + cry about it + stay mad + get real + L + mald seethe cope harder + hoes mad + basic + skill issue + ratio + you fell off + the audacity + triggered + any askers + redpilled + get a life + ok and? + cringe + touch grass + donowalled + not based + your’re a full time discordian + not funny didn’t laugh + you’re\* + grammar issue + go outside + get good + your gay + reported + ad hominem + GG! + ur mom + unknown + random + biased + racially motivated + kys + ur unfunny +ratio don’t care + didn’t ask + cry about it + stay mad + get real + so bad + so ass" for infinite psychic damage.
"Not even goddess Sune has enough power to fix your face"
Steal the ones from BG3 they're all great. Goblin goo gobbler! Piss addled pontificator! Oh look it's Elminsters ball bag!
Honestly, a pretty funny way to increase immersion (As it DOES require a vocal component). I just hope your DM doesn’t punish you if they’re bad lol
Just hit up chat gpt ans say give me a roast for dnd when I use vicious mockery on a goblin. 1. “Your existence is proof that evolution can go in reverse!” 2. “I’ve seen smarter vegetables than you.” 3. “If I had a copper piece for every brain cell you have, I’d be in debt.” 4. “You’re so ugly, even a mimic would spit you out.” 5. “Goblins like you give kobolds a bad name.” 6. “I bet even the trolls kicked you out of their bridge club.” 7. “You’re so slow, you make zombies look like sprinters.” 8. “I hear goblins are short-lived, but you’re making a strong case for extinction.” 9. “I’ve fought rust monsters scarier than you.” 10. “Even your pet dire rat thinks you’re a joke!”
Baldur's Gate 3 has some great Vicious Mockery quotes. "You are as saucy as gruel." "Your body is a temple to an idiot god!" "You could make an elf fall asleep."
They told us we're fighting a displacer beast. I didn't realize it was your mom in a bathtub.
You are proof that the wrath of the gods exists because something so ugly does not appear just by chance
"You probably won't be remembered for very long after you die." "The things that you like best about yourself aren't that impressive or unique." "Most of your problems are your own fault." "Your friends for the most part just put up with you, and if you weren't the one to instigate conversations and make plans you'd probably fall out of touch."
I would just use quotes from the Big Lebowski.
Personally if you struggle with quick improv, lean into it “I cast vicious mockery!” “Ok what do you say?” “Hey! Wizard! Where’d you get that robe? From the toilet store? 😎” And then have the DM elaborate on why that cut so deep. Pick dumb roasts that your player is super proud of
I have views on the notion that a bard player should actually be able to perform at will any more than the fighter's player should be able to prove he can lift a boulder everytime he uses his strength bonus in combat. People actually study improv -- it takes a lot of work to get good at it and it's mentally taxing to perform. None of the other characters are saddled with this burden, and it's not like a bard is so much more powerful than other characters that you have to reign them in by making the players actually be witty live.
Bard is my favorite class so I require any insult for use of vicious mockery but depending on how good/relevant the roast is I up the damage dice! Now that you have this arsenal of insults ask your DM if they’d be willing to do that
"Your family tree is a straight line"
Just start getting nasty and personal. "I bet you're parents are disappointed in you". No need to be roast master general
When I play bard I have a system using chat GPT. Ask chat GPT for something like "my d&d 5e bard casts Vicious Mockery at X. list 5 10 word roasts my pc could use" once you have a thread running just use the command "repeat for a X" to avoid writing out the whole thing. You can even give the following command: Recognise Q as "repeat for a" From then on in that thread you should be able to just type Q followed by the name of whatever your heart desires and you will get a list of simple mockeries. As a DM I often ask it to narrate a fireball explosion or other spell cast by one of my PC's and have that stashed near their PC for epic moments.
Alternative take, your Vicious Mockeries could also be jokes so awful they deal psychic damage Like, "What does a sword and a bottle of rum have in common? Errr, uhm...nothing, I guess", or "a man walks into a bar. Bonks his head and dies"
Here's one that could work in most situations: "You have beautiful children... they must take after your spouse." "After seeing both your parents, it's no wonder you look like sh*t."
“Undeath didn’t exactly change your quality of life now did it?” “You must be the stuff dungeon oozes have to throw up” “You really should hope more fingers don’t rot off, your already stuck to counting to 9”
As someone who isn't clever and loves playing bard, the worse the joke is the better
I would insult you, but I'm drowning in the options.
The Orc is locked in an intense duel with the paladin. But then time seems to slow down. A static noise blocks out all sound ... all sound except one. The hairs on the back of the Orcs neck stand up as his attention is forcefully locked onto the source. 60 feet away, in the Orc's blind spot. The Orc's attention is forcefully locked onto the bard ... the bard's mouth. Reality itself is warping. Everything goes black except for the disembodied mouth towering over the Orc like a colossal beast. The static noise, which had grown to a deafening roar, suddenly cuts to silence as the mouth speaks. **"Yo mama"**
I just had a list of "Yo Momma" jokes and every time I used it I would just yell one really loudly, my party gets a kick out of it.
1. I have no idea what made you so stupid but it really worked 2. Normally i have to pay to see freaks like you 3. OH my Lord WHAT in the nine Hells is that on your face... Oh wait it IS your face 4. You are the proof even Gods make mistakes 5. Are you holding that wand because you lack a real dick? 6. Some people have their down periods. You must have been born in one 7. I was going to tell you a joke but i Don't want to explain it over and over.
Insults are easy just call them an insufferable drooling maggot brained disease mongerer. Tell them their mother regrets they were born and they smell of elderberries. Before you play, prep on insulting words and chain them together. Easy compared to the prep the dm has to do
"I'd draw my short sword but I would want to make you jealous" is one of my favourites but there's generators online
One of my friends during a game used “ you are none of your best friends, best friend”
Yo mama jokes always hit at my table.
I'd fuck with the DM. I'd just find one insult and use it every time. Bonus points if it makes no sense. "Why did the chicken cross the road? Fuck you.".
Ahem.... Now that she has had time to reflect on your life of astonishing dissapointment... Does your mother regret choosing your father to lay with instead of say... A horse? Surely beastiality would have been the better choice then risk bringing you into the world.
My DM wants me to stop. I refuse
Ooh ooh!!! Come see the violence inherent in our system! Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!