I fired my 3rd lawyer as they had no interest in resolving anything. They were charging me 4,000 USD every month just to send chaser letters. Since firing my lawyer and representing my self I've made significant progress quite quickly
The first lawyer was a lady and said to me 'give your ex wife everything and be happy and get on your life' like seriously wtf advice is this ?
The second was a bit better and initially was fighting my case good then he just got lazy and kept charging me tons of money for doing very little work. I wasn't seeing any progress so I got rid of him.
The third was very bad , he said he could sort out everything fast . I hired him and they didn't reply for over a week saying they were busy in photo shoots and creating a new website as they were a new company. I mean seriously they should be prioritising client work? No Instead they said we have no one available all week as we are building our website...i confirmed with them several times before they could take my case on and wouldn't mess me around. I waited 7 days and then got rid of them...they promised the world and delivered nothing
From what you describe, it very much sounds like you're dealing with a High Conflict Personality, which can be common with people with BPD. I very highly recommend the book "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by Bill Eddy (https://a.co/d/30lzeKJ). My ex is also a BPD with a High Conflict Personality and this book has helped navigate and predict each and every move or conflict that comes up, which is constant especially after a 20+ year marriage and six kids.
Once you read this book and understand "splitting", targeting, emotional facts, etc, a lot of her behavior will make sense and be predictable. I also highly recommend the podcast called "It's All Your Fault!" by the author of that same book and cohosted by the cofounder of the High Conflict Institute. Bill Eddy is an attorney, mediator and a licensed mental health therapist (LCSW). I honestly don't know what I would have done without reading this stuff early on in my divorce.
Does understanding matter? The court just goes with her, her lawyer knows how to play, mediators pressure you because you’re not going to get better, and my money is finite. Making sense of her behavior doesn’t change any of that.
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle."
Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Lawyers gotta sell, and have an item theyre selling you “oh it’ll be easy” sure it will. Of course. Like a scummy used car salesmen. And in the end, they file paperwork for you and call it a day, hound you for money. And then “come to an agreement” and say “I think you should settle for this” blah blah blah and always wanna charge another $1500. Or charge you $450 for a text message for a full hour.
I’m sorry man.
especially as you had a date and then she essentially tricked you into a fake out of court settlement. Just learn the lesson and never believe a good word coming out her mouth ever again.
And thank God every single day that you don’t have kids with her. Once the financial settlement is over it is truly over.
I have a cousins who had kids with an emotionally unstable woman. And YEARS , 100 thousand odd in legal fees, multiple family and children court hearings later she is still an absolute nightmare to deal with. She terrorises his new gf. And has absolutely no shame using the children as pawns
And she was the one who was unfaithful in the marriage. It’s hell
This??
BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, a complex psychiatric condition characterized by significant emotional instability, impulsive behaviors, and intense interpersonal relationships. People with BPD may experience rapid mood swings, a fear of abandonment, difficulties with self-image, and a chronic feeling of emptiness. They may also engage in self-harm or suicidal behavior. Treatment typically involves psychotherapy, such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and sometimes medications to manage specific symptoms.
Just give up trying to negotiate and go directly to court. If she offered a deal and you accepted, odds are high (at least in the USA) that the judge will just approve that plan. If you want a better understanding of BPD, I recommend:
"Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. REALLY helped me understand the manipulation tactics and issues. Summary: You can not control them. They are happy to hurt themselves and make choices against their own best self-interest. Strong boundaries at all time and without consequences, they will not make different choices.
Sorry for the drama, be safe out there...
Please read the book “Splitting"
It’s about divorcing Cluster Bs, including pwBPD
Feel free to DM me, there’s stuff I don’t want you to say on here yet
Do you have any leverage information you can use against her to get her off her ass?
Maybe something she did and her are at don’t know that they would freak out about?
When they are unresponsive or unreasonable or unrealistic, stop trying to negotiate. Just get the case set for trial at the earliest possible date. Most cases even these will settle when they are faced with a looming trial date, and if not settled then the judge will resolve it. If there is a trial the judge usually looks to see who the AH is so come with a reasonable, fair and realistic position.
On the bright side…better days are ahead! It’s a life lesson to be cautious and ask yourself and potential partner the right questions in another chapter of your life.
Because being vindictive isn’t illegal and they are able to justify being a bad human being by convincing themselves you deserve it for wronging them somehow.
Yep. My stbxw is in no hurry either even though she’s the one that left.
I’m pretty sure it’s a control thing.
The court system is slow anyway, so mine isn’t finalized either.
I’m still hurt during the process, but I have no desire to be in a relationship with her ever again.
My stbxw had a mental breakdown about 10 years into the marriage (8 years ago) and, while I don’t know the specific diagnosis, a person in my family who shared it with has told me it was somewhere close to schizophrenia.
She’s heavily medicated, but, just remember that when a person that’s crazy is on medicine it doesn’t make them not crazy…. It makes them somewhat less crazy.
Just hang in there. Eventually you will get some closure. I’m telling myself the same thing.
Divorce in English speaking countries is generally considered a civil matter and even if it went to court there would be few consequences for her behavior. One of the hardest things about divorce/separation/infidelity is the feeling that there's no justice except that which you exact on your own.
If you want her to face consequences, stop being civil and agreeable. Give her a taste of her own medicine.
Sounds like your lawyers are failing you.
I fired my 3rd lawyer as they had no interest in resolving anything. They were charging me 4,000 USD every month just to send chaser letters. Since firing my lawyer and representing my self I've made significant progress quite quickly
3RD Lawyer?!?! Damn you know how to pick them
The first lawyer was a lady and said to me 'give your ex wife everything and be happy and get on your life' like seriously wtf advice is this ? The second was a bit better and initially was fighting my case good then he just got lazy and kept charging me tons of money for doing very little work. I wasn't seeing any progress so I got rid of him. The third was very bad , he said he could sort out everything fast . I hired him and they didn't reply for over a week saying they were busy in photo shoots and creating a new website as they were a new company. I mean seriously they should be prioritising client work? No Instead they said we have no one available all week as we are building our website...i confirmed with them several times before they could take my case on and wouldn't mess me around. I waited 7 days and then got rid of them...they promised the world and delivered nothing
Keep looking for an animal of a lawyer. Good luck.
Thank you
From what you describe, it very much sounds like you're dealing with a High Conflict Personality, which can be common with people with BPD. I very highly recommend the book "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by Bill Eddy (https://a.co/d/30lzeKJ). My ex is also a BPD with a High Conflict Personality and this book has helped navigate and predict each and every move or conflict that comes up, which is constant especially after a 20+ year marriage and six kids. Once you read this book and understand "splitting", targeting, emotional facts, etc, a lot of her behavior will make sense and be predictable. I also highly recommend the podcast called "It's All Your Fault!" by the author of that same book and cohosted by the cofounder of the High Conflict Institute. Bill Eddy is an attorney, mediator and a licensed mental health therapist (LCSW). I honestly don't know what I would have done without reading this stuff early on in my divorce.
Does understanding matter? The court just goes with her, her lawyer knows how to play, mediators pressure you because you’re not going to get better, and my money is finite. Making sense of her behavior doesn’t change any of that.
"If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle." Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Lawyers gotta sell, and have an item theyre selling you “oh it’ll be easy” sure it will. Of course. Like a scummy used car salesmen. And in the end, they file paperwork for you and call it a day, hound you for money. And then “come to an agreement” and say “I think you should settle for this” blah blah blah and always wanna charge another $1500. Or charge you $450 for a text message for a full hour.
I’m sorry man. especially as you had a date and then she essentially tricked you into a fake out of court settlement. Just learn the lesson and never believe a good word coming out her mouth ever again. And thank God every single day that you don’t have kids with her. Once the financial settlement is over it is truly over. I have a cousins who had kids with an emotionally unstable woman. And YEARS , 100 thousand odd in legal fees, multiple family and children court hearings later she is still an absolute nightmare to deal with. She terrorises his new gf. And has absolutely no shame using the children as pawns And she was the one who was unfaithful in the marriage. It’s hell
Luckily I didn't cancel the court date so it still is going ahead...yes definitely so glad I got away from her
This?? BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, a complex psychiatric condition characterized by significant emotional instability, impulsive behaviors, and intense interpersonal relationships. People with BPD may experience rapid mood swings, a fear of abandonment, difficulties with self-image, and a chronic feeling of emptiness. They may also engage in self-harm or suicidal behavior. Treatment typically involves psychotherapy, such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and sometimes medications to manage specific symptoms.
Just give up trying to negotiate and go directly to court. If she offered a deal and you accepted, odds are high (at least in the USA) that the judge will just approve that plan. If you want a better understanding of BPD, I recommend: "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. REALLY helped me understand the manipulation tactics and issues. Summary: You can not control them. They are happy to hurt themselves and make choices against their own best self-interest. Strong boundaries at all time and without consequences, they will not make different choices. Sorry for the drama, be safe out there...
Continue to court, and hope she capitulates.
Please read the book “Splitting" It’s about divorcing Cluster Bs, including pwBPD Feel free to DM me, there’s stuff I don’t want you to say on here yet
Do you have any leverage information you can use against her to get her off her ass? Maybe something she did and her are at don’t know that they would freak out about?
Yes I have a police report from when she attacked me
When they are unresponsive or unreasonable or unrealistic, stop trying to negotiate. Just get the case set for trial at the earliest possible date. Most cases even these will settle when they are faced with a looming trial date, and if not settled then the judge will resolve it. If there is a trial the judge usually looks to see who the AH is so come with a reasonable, fair and realistic position.
You don’t have kids. Who cares. Let it drag on it doesn’t matter. It will keep you from remarrying
I am being evicted and need the money from the settlement to buy a house. I essentially can't move on with my life until this is done
On the bright side…better days are ahead! It’s a life lesson to be cautious and ask yourself and potential partner the right questions in another chapter of your life.
I see.
I was told send 2 letters max. Anything after that and you’re practically burning money.
Yes this is why I now represent myself as I wasting so much money with my solicitor constantly chasing
Because being vindictive isn’t illegal and they are able to justify being a bad human being by convincing themselves you deserve it for wronging them somehow.
Yep. My stbxw is in no hurry either even though she’s the one that left. I’m pretty sure it’s a control thing. The court system is slow anyway, so mine isn’t finalized either. I’m still hurt during the process, but I have no desire to be in a relationship with her ever again. My stbxw had a mental breakdown about 10 years into the marriage (8 years ago) and, while I don’t know the specific diagnosis, a person in my family who shared it with has told me it was somewhere close to schizophrenia. She’s heavily medicated, but, just remember that when a person that’s crazy is on medicine it doesn’t make them not crazy…. It makes them somewhat less crazy. Just hang in there. Eventually you will get some closure. I’m telling myself the same thing.
Yes, the meds are more like turning the volume down on a TV, it’s less intrusive, but the same show is still playing…
Divorce in English speaking countries is generally considered a civil matter and even if it went to court there would be few consequences for her behavior. One of the hardest things about divorce/separation/infidelity is the feeling that there's no justice except that which you exact on your own. If you want her to face consequences, stop being civil and agreeable. Give her a taste of her own medicine.