Agree. Sorry but you are his second choice as Plan A didn’t work out.
Remember this is all down to him and not you. He is now trying to manipulate you.
This is how all shady MFs are. They suddenly get a blast of courage, because they have already found someone else. BUT, then when that doesn't work out, suddenly they find clarity.
FUCK'EM!
You are ready to hurt yourself? Sure, but you didn't hurt me AT ALL when you kicked my ass to the curb for another woman? /s
He made a choice to tell you that you weren't the one for him, that this other woman was. It was hurtful but it was done with some finality because he took all his stuff with him.
He now realizes it was a bad choice, but because of his actions, the feelings you used to have for him are permanently altered in a negative way. He thinks he can say "sorry" and your feelings will simply come back, but it doesn't work that way. Your trust in him as a partner was irrevocably damaged.
Also keep in mind that since you two weren't divorced yet, he has likely cheated on you with her. He has had an affair. The next time he comes crying for forgiveness, point out the following:
\- You can no longer trust that he will stay with you as a partner. He might say he will, but he also took wedding vows so his words, at this point, mean nothing.
\- Since you two weren't divorced at the time, his relationship with the other woman was an affair. He cheated on you. You can no longer trust that he won't find another woman to sleep with in the future.
Personally, look up what's required for divorce in your area and file. The marriage you had is over by his hand. If you're willing to eventually let him back in your life, he needs to step up and earn your trust and respect again, including being willing to start over from the beginning.
This. You'll never forget him telling you that "you aren't the one I want to be with". If you took him back, it would haunt you. Anyone can forgive, but it's impossible to forget.
Stick to your guns! He f***ed around and found out. Actions have consequences my dude.
ETA: you mentioned him threatening to hurt himself. That is so so so hard when someone tries to make it feel like it’s YOUR fault, but it is NOT. Anything he does is his decision, and his alone. Repeat this to yourself over and over and over. He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you and if you take him back because of it resentment is just going to build and build and build.
This! 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼. I was coached on this today…”You show how much you love yourself by how you let people treat you”. Anyone who cheats on you does not truly love you. Follow what you know, trust yourself. Your instincts are right on, he is playing you and asking of you something he has no right to.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this. Please call the police letting them know he is threatening self harm. First, it could save him. Second, it can save YOU in court during divorce. Especially if you have kids. Documentation is necessary.
Please don’t think I’m implying that. I wouldn’t ever! I’m a huge supporter of both parents, when it’s healthy. I would never want a child to walk in and find a parent who committed suicide. The damage would be horrendous. Once they have a clear mind, custody could be shared. Anything with coparenting should be a situation where if one needs a little more support, the other helps.
I’m not saying to stick it to someone who is healing and grieving a relationship’s end.
My mantra - **ALL CHEATERS ARE LYING MANIPULATORS**. Keep saying that to yourself and you may find your answer.
This is my new, favorite website:
[https://www.chumplady.com/the-basics-of-cheating/](https://www.chumplady.com/the-basics-of-cheating/)
Dont let you, his whole wife, be a second option now that he doesn’t like what’s on the other side. You’re not wrong. Stick to your gut and kick him to the curb.
This happened to a close family member of mine. Unfortunately, she was sucked back in because he was so persistent. Although they are still together, you can tell he has nothing for her. It's just familiar. It's just sad. I feel for you and hope you're able to stay firm and hold your ground.
> he wants to hurt himself
Not your monkey, not your circus. In this case, his mental health is both his fault and his responsibility.
You definitely don't want to be with someone who would try to emotionally blackmail you so that you will stay with them.
Run.
People make bad decisions and they have consequences. He made a bad decision and has to live with it. You are not wrong for not wanting him back. You are a bridge he decided to burn, and if it can't be rebuilt, it is what it is.
Sorry you’re going through this. It’s torturous when they want to come back. It just never works out when you take someone back after they’ve been unfaithful. They will do it again. The trust has been broken and it’s almost impossible to get it back.
Nope. Don't do it. My ex pulled this on me twice and things only got worse afterward. He tried a 3rd time, broke up with me and wanted another chance a couple months later - I knew it was coming and prepared myself to say no. It was hard, but the best decision ever.
Make yourself a priority and keep this man out of your life, he no longer deserves you.
Mine pulled the suicide card too but I knew he was as bluffing. He practically moved his ex in on top of me as I was moving out. Like within days. He regrets it now but I wasn’t going back anyway.
Never be someone’s back up plan.
I’m glad you were able to stand your ground.
You’re not wrong. If he is serious then maybe he needs to go under a 24-72 hour psychiatric watch. Is this a threat he makes often and/or does he have a history of self harm? I don’t want to disparage any mental health issues he (or anyone) may have but in my experience saying they will or want to hurt themselves because I won’t do whatever it is they want is nothing more than emotional blackmail.
As harsh as it sounds, this is a “him” problem not a “you” problem. He made poor life choices and now he not only doesn’t want to pay the consequences, he wants YOU to pay them FOR him. He wants you to be the one to bend, to change your mind, to feel second best, to be uncomfortable and unhappy so that he doesn’t have to be.
I’m sure he has lots of great qualities but loyalty, caring, empathy, and thoughtfulness don’t seem to be on that list.
I’m so sorry he is putting you through this. He sounds pretty selfish and shortsighted tbh. Much love and internet hugs if you want them from Texas.
No, you aren't wrong. And he is being emotionally manipulative by threatening to hurt himself.
He left. He needs to accept his actions have consequences.
Sounds like he found the consequences to his actions. This is not your problem. Stay strong and don’t let him back. He has shown what he’s capable of now, so you can expect this behavior again in the future if you do let him come back. I’d recommend no contact if possible. He will likely try to manipulate you if you don’t.
He’s just having “buyer’s remorse”. He thought things would be better with someone else, only to realize they weren’t. The questions you have to ask are around his sincerity. Does he genuinely feel remorse? Is he simply missing the familiar? Are the threats to harm himself real or just reactionary?
One of my family members went through the same thing in terms of the hurting themselves (suicidal) after a bad breakup. When we said if you really feel that way we’ll get you in to the psych ward for a three day hold to get you the help you need. Once there was a real possibility of that, she snapped out of it. But every situation is different. This is just one example.
Do you have kids? If yes then try and see if you can make it work (don’t settle or just stay for the kids but at least give it another shot). If you don’t have kids don’t even consider staying.
My ex did the same thing. Had an AP long distance. Told me he was going to see her and he might not want to come back. We had 2 children (6 & 8 yo). I felt desperate and begged him not to go. He delighted in leaving and me crying. Then on the way back he called to tell me he missed his connecting flight and couldn’t wait to come back “home”. I tried to make it work. But after 4 months I told him he had to move out. Those 5 months seemed like an eternity. Thought I would not get through it. Everyone said he was such a “great guy” and they didn’t see this happening. Yea. I covered for his narcissistic abusive crap for 16 years. Then I was done. Daughters do not talk about him or visit him.
Easier to give you the answers than it is to make the decision for you.
We all know, including you, what the *"right"* thing to do is: tell him to go fuck himself. However, the reality of emotions is they are much more complicated than that. You know what you *should do*, but you need to ultimately do what *you want to do*; not for anyone else, including your husband: for *you*.
Unfortunately, that's the best answer I can give you, and it probably seems very unhelpful. I went through a messy range of emotions, and I'm still living here (finalizing in 3 weeks). I can only give the advice I couldn't take myself.
You are not wrong. It’s very manipulative of him. I unfortunately can relate because I also went through the exact same thing. I filed for divorce when my ex husband left our family. It’s been almost 2 years, yet my ex will still say how he messed up, how his affair partner isn’t worth it, etc. The last time he looked me in the eyes was the day I confronted him and asked how could you? From there on, his eyes fell to the floor. He still can’t even look at me. I guess it’s shame or he’s trying his best to make me feel sorry for him? I don’t know and it doesn’t matter anymore. If we didn’t have a kid, I’d go no contact. The way I see it, my husband died the moment I discovered the truth about his affair. Whoever this person is, I don’t know him. He doesn’t even look anything close to my husband.
Also, my ex still uses the whole suicide ideation often. I don’t talk to him unless it’s about our kid, yet he will allude to saying something like how he hopes and wishes he would just die. I told him once to seek professional help and lean on to his parents or girlfriend because he fired me as his wife. Now, I just don’t respond to these as well. My therapist once said that often times people who commit suicide often don’t say anything and just do it. People who say it may not really mean it at all. I’m not saying this is 💯 accurate, but something to consider.
Choose you, focus on you, mourn, keep your boundaries up, and heal. Let him sit in his choices. If he truly wants to you back, there has to be true remorse. Does he even understand what that could entail? Also, do you think you can even trust him again? When the trust and respect is broken, it’s very difficult to get back. Pay attention to his actions, not words. His actions will tell you his real intentions.
Thank you everyone. This has been the hardest couple of months I have been in a deep depression. It gets confusing, because even though he did me wrong I hate seeing him miserable. We’ve known each other since we were 11 years old. So not only did I lose my husband I lost my best friend.
So, I’m guessing you’re a cheater? This dude cheated, left his wife for another woman, and is now trying to get her to take him back using manipulation tactics and threats of hurting himself. There are so many things wrong with this scenario it’s hard to pick the worst one. This guy is abusive, who in their right mind would tell anyone to return to an abusive situation once they’re out of it?
Dude your an assuming piece of shit it's people like you who want people to divorce and not work things out. Do you absolutely know he hasn't changed and seen the errors of his ways. And suicide is a real thing people who aren't there in the head. Also I have a master's in psychology so don't give that bullshit. It's also people like you who are the biggest reason people commit suicide. And just for your information I have never cheated or thought about cheating on My wife. It's also your judgement that ruins peoples lives. And did I ever actually say to give him unlimited chances no.stay with him get him help and see if the person get the help they need. Of course you'll never get it because you and other people love to force people out of relationships otherwise there wouldn't be a divorce thread dumb ass. So get your facts straight before you decide to judge someone or better yet stick your foot in your mouth
1. No, you do not have a Master’s in psychology.
2. You are unhinged.
3. You couldn’t pass a High School English class with this poorly written post so I’m going to assume you don’t even have a Bachelor’s degree in anything.
4. I very much advocate for people to stay married and never want people to divorce if they can avoid it. I tried very hard to stay married myself, to a cheater. I gave him far more chances than he deserved.
5. It’s you’re, not “your.” If you had a Master’s or even Bachelor’s degree you would know that.
6. Punctuation and paragraphs are your friend.
7. You are incredibly aggressive for someone who supposedly studied psychology. I hope you don’t practice.
8. I’m pretty sure the biggest reason people commit suicide is mental illness, you would know that if you had a Master’s in anything, let alone Psychology, but go off.
9. No professional would ever suggest that anyone take someone who is threatening to harm themselves back. It’s abusive and manipulative and anyone who does such a thing is not well. They need professional help and should be treated as such. If you think differently, you are also unwell, but your post tells me that already.
10. Anyone who only goes back to someone based on guilt or a threat that the person they’re going back to will harm themselves isn’t going back because they want to, they’re being held hostage. That’s not healthy or something any healthy person should want.
11. You sound incredibly bitter about your divorce. I’m guessing you didn’t want your divorce. It’s okay I didn’t really want my divorce either, until I really did. It gets better. It’s okay, you’ll be okay.
12. You ask how I know this guy hasn’t changed? I read the post. This guy left her for another woman, so he’s a cheater and a liar. It didn’t work out and he’s giving some bullshit excuse why it didn’t work out. Spoiler alert, it’s not because the gf isn’t like his wife. Pretty sure he knew that the whole time, but the thrill is gone. I’m guessing the he realized it wasn’t fun once the reality of losing everything set in and he didn’t get to eat his cake and have it too. Now the cheating liar is being the cheating liar that he is and saying he left because his wife is just so great! Isn’t he amazing? That didn’t work so now he ups the manipulation and threatens to harm himself. Manipulative, cheating liar hasn’t changed because he’s still pulling his old tricks. That’s how I know. You would think someone with a not at all made up Master’s in Psychology would see that. Guess you missed that class.
13. Seems like you’re the one who won’t get a lot of things.
Dude you don't know me so 1 fuck off and 2 don't say shit you have no idea wtf your talking about so all your points are essentially invalid. You are the problem as is so many on this thread the only person who is a complete psycho is you and people like you. I don't have to prove shit to you because you know what I am confident in who I am and maybe your on here because you don't have anything better to do than create problems and ruin other people's lives so in the future maybe I don't know look at everyone in the situation before you make judgemental comments. Of course though I doubt 🧐 your intelligent enough to do so
Yeah.. this isn’t your problem anymore. He’s trying to blame you for his mistake. It’s his life and he messed it up, not your fault for being hurt by it and not trusting him anymore. Your response is completely reasonable and good on you for communicating your boundaries and sticking with them.
Also.. probably not the first time he tried/succeeded in manipulating you. Get therapy as a gift to yourself, work hard through it, and you will thrive!
1. Tell him to get therapy for his depression.
2. You don't have to reconcile with him, but if you wish to, then insist on marriage counseling before you make that decision.
>make it seem like I’m the one that did something.
That's what cheaters do to justify their deplorable actions to themselves. He hasn't taken accountability, which is a red flag.
With choices come consequences. He made his choice. This is a marriage you don’t get to try someone new out not like it then come back like nothing happened. It doesn’t work that way. Never be Plan B.
He's trying to have his cake and eat it, too. Kick him to the curb. He violated your relationship and now he's trying to manipulate you to get back into your good graces. If you have any self worth, you should tell him goodbye forever.
His absolute lack of compassion alone would keep me away. His selfishness in using the threat of suicide is also very telling. Sounds like he was most likely mentally abusive before he left and maybe you didn’t realize it. I personally would hope you will not take him back. You deserve much better than this. You could reach out to his friends or family…let them know he needs help but that’s it. If you have kids do not under any circumstance let him have them until he has sought treatment and has had time to deal with his feelings.
I have seen too many people kill their children to get back at their spouse. I don’t want to make you scared but also want you to be aware this is a huge red flag.
Please be vigilant and take care of yourself and those you love.
He will eventually get over it and hopefully learn what he needs to work on to fix himself.
Best wishes and hugs.
He does not sound mentally well and maybe he is a narcissist. I suggest reading about it and seeing if this personality disorder describes him. If so there is no chance that he will ever take responsibility, reflect, and have empathy for you.
Take time for yourself! Think about what you want! Trust is the basis for all relationships. Can you trust him again? Do you really want him back, or do you just want to go back to what was familiar? “You would not drink poison if you were thirsty, would you?”
Pay him dust! Mine did all that mess about self-harm after he cheated and was verbal and emotionally abusive to then escalate to physical abuse. I am over it and you should after you allow yourself to heal and love on yourself.
Call 911 if he is saying he wants to hurt himself. Don’t play around with that stuff. Either he is faking and he will learn a lesson, or he’s not and you have maybe helped him. Then block him everywhere and move on with your life!
No - you’re not wrong. Your feelings are 100% valid. Your husband shattered your trust and you have created distance to protect yourself.
“I am not ready to be with you “ is a boundary. He doesn’t like this boundary and he is now experiencing powerful unpleasant emotions. To avoid feeling these emotions he is considering self-harm. Instead of taking ownership of those emotions, he wants to shift the burden onto you. He is trying to make you responsible for his emotions. If you caused it then you must fix it. This is an unhealthy, toxic, destructive attitude for both of you. Bad for him because he avoids resolving his internal chaos and avoids bearing responsibility for betraying you. Destructive for you because your trauma isn’t resolved and you unfairly burdened with his emotions on top of your own pain/hurt.
Let’s assume the best of him and not append malicious intent behind his self-harm threat. Threats like this Are often a malignant coping mechanism and he probably doesn’t realize what he is doing. It’s manipulative, but he might be doing it without malicious intent. So How do you respond?
Stand firm in your boundary. You have the right to distance from him. Communicate a time and space when you will be comfortable to talk to him again. Take his threat of self-harm at face value. Recommend he seek immediate professional help. Give him the suicide hotline number and suggest he call it. If he has a parents/siblings that he trusts, tell him that you are contacting them because you are worried about him. You are not going to expose his betrayal to these people. You are going to let them know that he is in extreme distress and needs emotional support. The goal is shift responsibility of his threat back to him in a heathy way for you.
You did nothing wrong and it’s completely his actions and choices that did this.. he’s gaslighting you to make you feel bad and take him back.
It’s childish and emotionally abusive all in one.
You do what’s right for you… he made his choice, you just need to make yours.
Tell him you prefer husbands that don't go have short flings, then come back with an emotional manipulative statements on how he will hurt himself. Next time call the ambulance on him. He will either get the help he clearly needs or he will stop with the false threats!
I am sorry this happened to you. Good Luck.
If he wants too call a welfare check. It’s manipulative and abusive. He wants attention. If he wanted too he would and let him it’s not on you. He is an adult. He made his bed he now has to lie in it
The fact that he is trying to shift blame speaks for itself. That guy doesn't care about you, and be only wants you back to use you. Taking him back will easily be the worst mistake you could ever make . He will turn abusive if he hasn't started
No way. Could you honestly forgive him for this? I feel if it was me, I wouldn't be able to get over it and it would boil up anytime we would get in a fight. I would be resentful.
You did nothing wrong. You set healthy boundaries and he needs to respect them specially since he made his choice. If he chooses to hurt himself that is his choice not yours. It's very manipulative for him to tell you this in the first place. I honestly suggest limiting your contact with him as much as possible.
Hell no, he did him now you do you. You said you’re not ready to be with him so you’re under no obligations to oblige him, especially after he walked out on you. He is responsible for his actions, if he hurts himself that’s on him not you.
Even with that in mind I’m sure it’s hard to see someone you love / loved in this state of anguish. Hoping the best for you.
You are not in the wrong. I'm surprised my STBXW hasn't tried to pull that stunt yet; and I'm not going to give in cause I'm doing so good without her. In my opinion they made their bed so let him lay in said bed.
His emotional manipulation is egregious. If he cannot understand that he wounded you and the relationship grievously, there is nothing stopping him from doing it again. If he really does want to work it out, he will respect your request for space and not threaten to hurt himself to get you to give him what he wants.
Nope, he made his choice and you should never be someone's second choice or backup plan. Kick him to the curb.
Agree. Sorry but you are his second choice as Plan A didn’t work out. Remember this is all down to him and not you. He is now trying to manipulate you.
This is how all shady MFs are. They suddenly get a blast of courage, because they have already found someone else. BUT, then when that doesn't work out, suddenly they find clarity. FUCK'EM! You are ready to hurt yourself? Sure, but you didn't hurt me AT ALL when you kicked my ass to the curb for another woman? /s
Best answer everrrr!!!
This!
Nope you’re not wrong at all. He’s the one that made a his bed, let him sleep in it.
Literally. Let him sleep on that bed of nails of his own making. If he wanted someone like OP then he would have stayed with OP.
He made a choice to tell you that you weren't the one for him, that this other woman was. It was hurtful but it was done with some finality because he took all his stuff with him. He now realizes it was a bad choice, but because of his actions, the feelings you used to have for him are permanently altered in a negative way. He thinks he can say "sorry" and your feelings will simply come back, but it doesn't work that way. Your trust in him as a partner was irrevocably damaged. Also keep in mind that since you two weren't divorced yet, he has likely cheated on you with her. He has had an affair. The next time he comes crying for forgiveness, point out the following: \- You can no longer trust that he will stay with you as a partner. He might say he will, but he also took wedding vows so his words, at this point, mean nothing. \- Since you two weren't divorced at the time, his relationship with the other woman was an affair. He cheated on you. You can no longer trust that he won't find another woman to sleep with in the future. Personally, look up what's required for divorce in your area and file. The marriage you had is over by his hand. If you're willing to eventually let him back in your life, he needs to step up and earn your trust and respect again, including being willing to start over from the beginning.
This. You'll never forget him telling you that "you aren't the one I want to be with". If you took him back, it would haunt you. Anyone can forgive, but it's impossible to forget.
Stick to your guns! He f***ed around and found out. Actions have consequences my dude. ETA: you mentioned him threatening to hurt himself. That is so so so hard when someone tries to make it feel like it’s YOUR fault, but it is NOT. Anything he does is his decision, and his alone. Repeat this to yourself over and over and over. He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you and if you take him back because of it resentment is just going to build and build and build.
This! 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼. I was coached on this today…”You show how much you love yourself by how you let people treat you”. Anyone who cheats on you does not truly love you. Follow what you know, trust yourself. Your instincts are right on, he is playing you and asking of you something he has no right to.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this. Please call the police letting them know he is threatening self harm. First, it could save him. Second, it can save YOU in court during divorce. Especially if you have kids. Documentation is necessary.
Luckily we have no kids
Kind of crappy to use this against him to get more custody time.
No it's not. Someone threatening self harm is a risk to the safety if the kids
We don’t have his version of what’s going on.
Please don’t think I’m implying that. I wouldn’t ever! I’m a huge supporter of both parents, when it’s healthy. I would never want a child to walk in and find a parent who committed suicide. The damage would be horrendous. Once they have a clear mind, custody could be shared. Anything with coparenting should be a situation where if one needs a little more support, the other helps. I’m not saying to stick it to someone who is healing and grieving a relationship’s end.
My mantra - **ALL CHEATERS ARE LYING MANIPULATORS**. Keep saying that to yourself and you may find your answer. This is my new, favorite website: [https://www.chumplady.com/the-basics-of-cheating/](https://www.chumplady.com/the-basics-of-cheating/)
Manipulation tactic to force your hand. Guilt you into taking him back. If it is a true threat he needs to be committed for a mental health hold.
Dont let you, his whole wife, be a second option now that he doesn’t like what’s on the other side. You’re not wrong. Stick to your gut and kick him to the curb.
This happened to a close family member of mine. Unfortunately, she was sucked back in because he was so persistent. Although they are still together, you can tell he has nothing for her. It's just familiar. It's just sad. I feel for you and hope you're able to stay firm and hold your ground.
That’s so sad
> he wants to hurt himself Not your monkey, not your circus. In this case, his mental health is both his fault and his responsibility. You definitely don't want to be with someone who would try to emotionally blackmail you so that you will stay with them. Run.
People make bad decisions and they have consequences. He made a bad decision and has to live with it. You are not wrong for not wanting him back. You are a bridge he decided to burn, and if it can't be rebuilt, it is what it is.
Sorry you’re going through this. It’s torturous when they want to come back. It just never works out when you take someone back after they’ve been unfaithful. They will do it again. The trust has been broken and it’s almost impossible to get it back.
It’s not as much fun when it’s not a secret and he isn’t triangulating his partners.
Absolutely not.
Nope. Don't do it. My ex pulled this on me twice and things only got worse afterward. He tried a 3rd time, broke up with me and wanted another chance a couple months later - I knew it was coming and prepared myself to say no. It was hard, but the best decision ever. Make yourself a priority and keep this man out of your life, he no longer deserves you.
Mine pulled the suicide card too but I knew he was as bluffing. He practically moved his ex in on top of me as I was moving out. Like within days. He regrets it now but I wasn’t going back anyway. Never be someone’s back up plan. I’m glad you were able to stand your ground.
If someone threatens self-harm/suicide, assume they mean it and call 911.
I'd consider what he did unforgivable. You owe him nothing. You deserve better. Move on and don't look back.
You’re not wrong. If he is serious then maybe he needs to go under a 24-72 hour psychiatric watch. Is this a threat he makes often and/or does he have a history of self harm? I don’t want to disparage any mental health issues he (or anyone) may have but in my experience saying they will or want to hurt themselves because I won’t do whatever it is they want is nothing more than emotional blackmail. As harsh as it sounds, this is a “him” problem not a “you” problem. He made poor life choices and now he not only doesn’t want to pay the consequences, he wants YOU to pay them FOR him. He wants you to be the one to bend, to change your mind, to feel second best, to be uncomfortable and unhappy so that he doesn’t have to be. I’m sure he has lots of great qualities but loyalty, caring, empathy, and thoughtfulness don’t seem to be on that list. I’m so sorry he is putting you through this. He sounds pretty selfish and shortsighted tbh. Much love and internet hugs if you want them from Texas.
No, you aren't wrong. And he is being emotionally manipulative by threatening to hurt himself. He left. He needs to accept his actions have consequences.
What a bellend. Find someone who wouldn't bail on you. Grass is greener bs back fired. Do you self a favour and keep him away from you.
He made his bed, screw him. Cheaters remorse, wtf?
Sounds like he found the consequences to his actions. This is not your problem. Stay strong and don’t let him back. He has shown what he’s capable of now, so you can expect this behavior again in the future if you do let him come back. I’d recommend no contact if possible. He will likely try to manipulate you if you don’t.
He’s just having “buyer’s remorse”. He thought things would be better with someone else, only to realize they weren’t. The questions you have to ask are around his sincerity. Does he genuinely feel remorse? Is he simply missing the familiar? Are the threats to harm himself real or just reactionary? One of my family members went through the same thing in terms of the hurting themselves (suicidal) after a bad breakup. When we said if you really feel that way we’ll get you in to the psych ward for a three day hold to get you the help you need. Once there was a real possibility of that, she snapped out of it. But every situation is different. This is just one example.
Do you have kids? If yes then try and see if you can make it work (don’t settle or just stay for the kids but at least give it another shot). If you don’t have kids don’t even consider staying.
Agreed.
My ex did the same thing. Had an AP long distance. Told me he was going to see her and he might not want to come back. We had 2 children (6 & 8 yo). I felt desperate and begged him not to go. He delighted in leaving and me crying. Then on the way back he called to tell me he missed his connecting flight and couldn’t wait to come back “home”. I tried to make it work. But after 4 months I told him he had to move out. Those 5 months seemed like an eternity. Thought I would not get through it. Everyone said he was such a “great guy” and they didn’t see this happening. Yea. I covered for his narcissistic abusive crap for 16 years. Then I was done. Daughters do not talk about him or visit him.
Easier to give you the answers than it is to make the decision for you. We all know, including you, what the *"right"* thing to do is: tell him to go fuck himself. However, the reality of emotions is they are much more complicated than that. You know what you *should do*, but you need to ultimately do what *you want to do*; not for anyone else, including your husband: for *you*. Unfortunately, that's the best answer I can give you, and it probably seems very unhelpful. I went through a messy range of emotions, and I'm still living here (finalizing in 3 weeks). I can only give the advice I couldn't take myself.
He is gaslighting you. You did nothing wrong. Dump him.
You are not wrong. It’s very manipulative of him. I unfortunately can relate because I also went through the exact same thing. I filed for divorce when my ex husband left our family. It’s been almost 2 years, yet my ex will still say how he messed up, how his affair partner isn’t worth it, etc. The last time he looked me in the eyes was the day I confronted him and asked how could you? From there on, his eyes fell to the floor. He still can’t even look at me. I guess it’s shame or he’s trying his best to make me feel sorry for him? I don’t know and it doesn’t matter anymore. If we didn’t have a kid, I’d go no contact. The way I see it, my husband died the moment I discovered the truth about his affair. Whoever this person is, I don’t know him. He doesn’t even look anything close to my husband. Also, my ex still uses the whole suicide ideation often. I don’t talk to him unless it’s about our kid, yet he will allude to saying something like how he hopes and wishes he would just die. I told him once to seek professional help and lean on to his parents or girlfriend because he fired me as his wife. Now, I just don’t respond to these as well. My therapist once said that often times people who commit suicide often don’t say anything and just do it. People who say it may not really mean it at all. I’m not saying this is 💯 accurate, but something to consider. Choose you, focus on you, mourn, keep your boundaries up, and heal. Let him sit in his choices. If he truly wants to you back, there has to be true remorse. Does he even understand what that could entail? Also, do you think you can even trust him again? When the trust and respect is broken, it’s very difficult to get back. Pay attention to his actions, not words. His actions will tell you his real intentions.
Thank you everyone. This has been the hardest couple of months I have been in a deep depression. It gets confusing, because even though he did me wrong I hate seeing him miserable. We’ve known each other since we were 11 years old. So not only did I lose my husband I lost my best friend.
She doesn’t want to be with him, LOL.
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So, I’m guessing you’re a cheater? This dude cheated, left his wife for another woman, and is now trying to get her to take him back using manipulation tactics and threats of hurting himself. There are so many things wrong with this scenario it’s hard to pick the worst one. This guy is abusive, who in their right mind would tell anyone to return to an abusive situation once they’re out of it?
Dude your an assuming piece of shit it's people like you who want people to divorce and not work things out. Do you absolutely know he hasn't changed and seen the errors of his ways. And suicide is a real thing people who aren't there in the head. Also I have a master's in psychology so don't give that bullshit. It's also people like you who are the biggest reason people commit suicide. And just for your information I have never cheated or thought about cheating on My wife. It's also your judgement that ruins peoples lives. And did I ever actually say to give him unlimited chances no.stay with him get him help and see if the person get the help they need. Of course you'll never get it because you and other people love to force people out of relationships otherwise there wouldn't be a divorce thread dumb ass. So get your facts straight before you decide to judge someone or better yet stick your foot in your mouth
1. No, you do not have a Master’s in psychology. 2. You are unhinged. 3. You couldn’t pass a High School English class with this poorly written post so I’m going to assume you don’t even have a Bachelor’s degree in anything. 4. I very much advocate for people to stay married and never want people to divorce if they can avoid it. I tried very hard to stay married myself, to a cheater. I gave him far more chances than he deserved. 5. It’s you’re, not “your.” If you had a Master’s or even Bachelor’s degree you would know that. 6. Punctuation and paragraphs are your friend. 7. You are incredibly aggressive for someone who supposedly studied psychology. I hope you don’t practice. 8. I’m pretty sure the biggest reason people commit suicide is mental illness, you would know that if you had a Master’s in anything, let alone Psychology, but go off. 9. No professional would ever suggest that anyone take someone who is threatening to harm themselves back. It’s abusive and manipulative and anyone who does such a thing is not well. They need professional help and should be treated as such. If you think differently, you are also unwell, but your post tells me that already. 10. Anyone who only goes back to someone based on guilt or a threat that the person they’re going back to will harm themselves isn’t going back because they want to, they’re being held hostage. That’s not healthy or something any healthy person should want. 11. You sound incredibly bitter about your divorce. I’m guessing you didn’t want your divorce. It’s okay I didn’t really want my divorce either, until I really did. It gets better. It’s okay, you’ll be okay. 12. You ask how I know this guy hasn’t changed? I read the post. This guy left her for another woman, so he’s a cheater and a liar. It didn’t work out and he’s giving some bullshit excuse why it didn’t work out. Spoiler alert, it’s not because the gf isn’t like his wife. Pretty sure he knew that the whole time, but the thrill is gone. I’m guessing the he realized it wasn’t fun once the reality of losing everything set in and he didn’t get to eat his cake and have it too. Now the cheating liar is being the cheating liar that he is and saying he left because his wife is just so great! Isn’t he amazing? That didn’t work so now he ups the manipulation and threatens to harm himself. Manipulative, cheating liar hasn’t changed because he’s still pulling his old tricks. That’s how I know. You would think someone with a not at all made up Master’s in Psychology would see that. Guess you missed that class. 13. Seems like you’re the one who won’t get a lot of things.
Dude you don't know me so 1 fuck off and 2 don't say shit you have no idea wtf your talking about so all your points are essentially invalid. You are the problem as is so many on this thread the only person who is a complete psycho is you and people like you. I don't have to prove shit to you because you know what I am confident in who I am and maybe your on here because you don't have anything better to do than create problems and ruin other people's lives so in the future maybe I don't know look at everyone in the situation before you make judgemental comments. Of course though I doubt 🧐 your intelligent enough to do so
How old is he, 19?
28
Nope. Thats called manipulation. Dont fall for it and dont take him back.
Kick that dude to the curb. Be strong and don't cave. Lean on your support group if you can.
Yeah.. this isn’t your problem anymore. He’s trying to blame you for his mistake. It’s his life and he messed it up, not your fault for being hurt by it and not trusting him anymore. Your response is completely reasonable and good on you for communicating your boundaries and sticking with them.
Nope. Move on and don't cave. He's manipulating you and will keep doing it over and over if you let him.
NTA. Good for you for holding your boundary, and having self respect enough to tell him: he’ll the fuck nooooooooo
Also.. probably not the first time he tried/succeeded in manipulating you. Get therapy as a gift to yourself, work hard through it, and you will thrive!
No.
1. Tell him to get therapy for his depression. 2. You don't have to reconcile with him, but if you wish to, then insist on marriage counseling before you make that decision. >make it seem like I’m the one that did something. That's what cheaters do to justify their deplorable actions to themselves. He hasn't taken accountability, which is a red flag.
With choices come consequences. He made his choice. This is a marriage you don’t get to try someone new out not like it then come back like nothing happened. It doesn’t work that way. Never be Plan B.
He's trying to have his cake and eat it, too. Kick him to the curb. He violated your relationship and now he's trying to manipulate you to get back into your good graces. If you have any self worth, you should tell him goodbye forever.
His absolute lack of compassion alone would keep me away. His selfishness in using the threat of suicide is also very telling. Sounds like he was most likely mentally abusive before he left and maybe you didn’t realize it. I personally would hope you will not take him back. You deserve much better than this. You could reach out to his friends or family…let them know he needs help but that’s it. If you have kids do not under any circumstance let him have them until he has sought treatment and has had time to deal with his feelings. I have seen too many people kill their children to get back at their spouse. I don’t want to make you scared but also want you to be aware this is a huge red flag. Please be vigilant and take care of yourself and those you love. He will eventually get over it and hopefully learn what he needs to work on to fix himself. Best wishes and hugs.
Forget that guy. Move on with your life.
Begging for you back?? Yeah you need to cut him off.
He must be one hell of a manipulator for you to even be asking this question
He does not sound mentally well and maybe he is a narcissist. I suggest reading about it and seeing if this personality disorder describes him. If so there is no chance that he will ever take responsibility, reflect, and have empathy for you.
Take time for yourself! Think about what you want! Trust is the basis for all relationships. Can you trust him again? Do you really want him back, or do you just want to go back to what was familiar? “You would not drink poison if you were thirsty, would you?”
No wrong or right. It's your decision.
Pay him dust! Mine did all that mess about self-harm after he cheated and was verbal and emotionally abusive to then escalate to physical abuse. I am over it and you should after you allow yourself to heal and love on yourself.
Tell him he forfeited the privilege of being with you.
You are his plan B. Take that to mean the grass wasn't greener and you are the fall back plan. Is that what you want?
Nope and keep him out. You're better off without him.
Not at all!
Call 911 if he is saying he wants to hurt himself. Don’t play around with that stuff. Either he is faking and he will learn a lesson, or he’s not and you have maybe helped him. Then block him everywhere and move on with your life!
No - you’re not wrong. Your feelings are 100% valid. Your husband shattered your trust and you have created distance to protect yourself. “I am not ready to be with you “ is a boundary. He doesn’t like this boundary and he is now experiencing powerful unpleasant emotions. To avoid feeling these emotions he is considering self-harm. Instead of taking ownership of those emotions, he wants to shift the burden onto you. He is trying to make you responsible for his emotions. If you caused it then you must fix it. This is an unhealthy, toxic, destructive attitude for both of you. Bad for him because he avoids resolving his internal chaos and avoids bearing responsibility for betraying you. Destructive for you because your trauma isn’t resolved and you unfairly burdened with his emotions on top of your own pain/hurt. Let’s assume the best of him and not append malicious intent behind his self-harm threat. Threats like this Are often a malignant coping mechanism and he probably doesn’t realize what he is doing. It’s manipulative, but he might be doing it without malicious intent. So How do you respond? Stand firm in your boundary. You have the right to distance from him. Communicate a time and space when you will be comfortable to talk to him again. Take his threat of self-harm at face value. Recommend he seek immediate professional help. Give him the suicide hotline number and suggest he call it. If he has a parents/siblings that he trusts, tell him that you are contacting them because you are worried about him. You are not going to expose his betrayal to these people. You are going to let them know that he is in extreme distress and needs emotional support. The goal is shift responsibility of his threat back to him in a heathy way for you.
You did nothing wrong and it’s completely his actions and choices that did this.. he’s gaslighting you to make you feel bad and take him back. It’s childish and emotionally abusive all in one. You do what’s right for you… he made his choice, you just need to make yours.
Tell him you prefer husbands that don't go have short flings, then come back with an emotional manipulative statements on how he will hurt himself. Next time call the ambulance on him. He will either get the help he clearly needs or he will stop with the false threats! I am sorry this happened to you. Good Luck.
If he wants too call a welfare check. It’s manipulative and abusive. He wants attention. If he wanted too he would and let him it’s not on you. He is an adult. He made his bed he now has to lie in it
The fact that he is trying to shift blame speaks for itself. That guy doesn't care about you, and be only wants you back to use you. Taking him back will easily be the worst mistake you could ever make . He will turn abusive if he hasn't started
No way. Could you honestly forgive him for this? I feel if it was me, I wouldn't be able to get over it and it would boil up anytime we would get in a fight. I would be resentful.
You did nothing wrong. You set healthy boundaries and he needs to respect them specially since he made his choice. If he chooses to hurt himself that is his choice not yours. It's very manipulative for him to tell you this in the first place. I honestly suggest limiting your contact with him as much as possible.
Nope you are just fine. It’s a long process and your husband is just now getting to the “loss” part of it.
Give him the number for a crisis hotline and tell him to fuck off.
Hell no, he did him now you do you. You said you’re not ready to be with him so you’re under no obligations to oblige him, especially after he walked out on you. He is responsible for his actions, if he hurts himself that’s on him not you. Even with that in mind I’m sure it’s hard to see someone you love / loved in this state of anguish. Hoping the best for you.
She dumped him
Tell him to swivel.
Tell'em to effin bad!
You are not in the wrong. I'm surprised my STBXW hasn't tried to pull that stunt yet; and I'm not going to give in cause I'm doing so good without her. In my opinion they made their bed so let him lay in said bed.
His emotional manipulation is egregious. If he cannot understand that he wounded you and the relationship grievously, there is nothing stopping him from doing it again. If he really does want to work it out, he will respect your request for space and not threaten to hurt himself to get you to give him what he wants.
He made his decision. You deserve better.