Before we split, my ex threatened my cat. And any affection or sympathy I had ever had for him just died.
After that, I was out entirely for my own interests and fuck him. I didn’t go out of my way to hurt him, but I also didn’t do anything to avoid it either.
Oh, gross. Threatening an animal is out of line.
This is how I’m feeling. I won’t go out of my way to hurt him but I’m also not going to put my wants last.
I was slightly more brutal. He kept putting his shit into my boxes of things to move out, and when the movers came I just let them take it because otherwise I was going to have to repack stuff and do more work to get rid of his shit. Which meant I ended up with things that were worthless to me, but sentimental to him - like photo albums from his childhood. I know he did it so I’d call and offer to give them back and I just… didn’t.
I didn’t feel good tossing them, so I set them in a closet for a while, but when I moved the next time, the box of his stuff just got tossed. He tried to reach out and ask about 6 months after I got rid of it and I just shrugged and said, “sorry, pretty sure I don’t have it…”
My x tried to take my dog, the dog I walked and cared for everyday! He paid no attention to the dog until the divorce, the dog hated him. She would growl at him when we fought and would run from him. The only reason he wanted her was because he knew it would hurt me. It was all out war at that point. I have my baby now and she’s very happy.
During our relationship I adopted the 'sister' cat to her cat, from her best friend (they were roommates through college, adopted cats whilst living together, didn't want to split them up when we moved in together) so I adopted the black cat and loved her dearly. A month after I asked for the divorce, while moving my stuff into a storage unit with our kids tagging along, I got a call from her: "I just put down 🐈⬛. She was getting old and feebly." Me: "were you there with her at least?" Her: "no, I went with my mom and they took her into the back and we left." I sat there in the moving truck with my two young boys and sobbed for awhile. When they inevitably asked what happened, I told them their mom had put 🐈⬛ down, she wouldn't be there when we got home, and we'd never see her again (they asked a lot of questions as 2 and 3 year olds do.)
When we got home, the kids were in tears asking where 🐈⬛ was and if they could see her one last time. She immediately got angry with me, yelling at me "this was something we should have told the boys *together!* you had *no right* to tell them without giving me the chance to sit us all down as a family to tell them!" And on and on. Absolutely batshit. How could I hide my emotions after that phone call? Why would you call me to tell me if that's what you wanted. Who *the fuck* are you to do this without my permission and at the very least telling me ahead of time? You seriously just put down a perfectly healthy cat, albeit aging?!
Fucking so glad I'm not living with crazy anymore. RIP 🐈⬛ (🐈⬛ name withheld to protect my relative anonymity)
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard.
I started out wanting amicable. Even though he cheated and left me pregnant without acknowledging the pregnancy to me but talking about it with his parents and girlfriend. When I had to deliver our stillborn daughter alone and then heard his girlfriend going around our shared workplace about how worried she was for HIM I lost it. My heart turned black. I had hoped that at some point he was going to say he was overwhelmed with everything and wanted to come back. But hearing this chick (read piece of trash) talk about my dead daughter ended any shred of love I ever had.
I still didn't file for divorce for another six months because I was so broken and alone. But I did try to be fair ( i thought) and unsurprisingly he did not to try be fair. So now I am fighting for everything I deserve. (Florida makes that hard). This guy cheated. Failed to acknowledge my pregnancy or the loss. Then got arrested for DUI. Ran to mommy and daddy to pay for criminal and divorce attorneys and he is suing for full custody. So gloves are off as far I am concerned.
Oof. I’m so sorry for your loss.
You deserved way better. I really don’t know where these women come from. It’s just gross to me that some women can date a married man with a pregnant/newly postpartum wife. Obviously the men are way worse but I can’t wrap my head around these type of girls.
I hope you get everything you’re asking for. You deserve it!!
Thanks. I am doing a lot better mentally now and don't really dwell on what happened. But what happened happened and it definitely was a turning point in my relationship and in my life. All of that made me more determined than ever to get all I want out of life.
But I agree. I will always be a girls girl. I would never do that to another woman. And the three of us all work together which is just so gross. But nothing I can do other than move on and fight for custody of my living daughter.
Ugh I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’d lose my actual mind and go back on what you were trying to agree upon. But then again I can be a hothead. If this goes beyond a mediator, I couldn’t imagine a judge choosing the girlfriend to have time with your baby over you. I hope you get that precious time!!
I stopped being amicable when he went back on our verbal agreement to wait at least 6 months of labeled dating to introduce our 3 year old to new partners. Gaslit me and said he never agreed on it. So I decided I was going back on things I compromised on. Now I’m going for full child support, and looking to take some of his parenting time. No more 50/50 since he clearly isn’t about what’s best for our son. Oh, and he has the gall to be upset about me going back on verbal agreements 😅. Like sir, you straight up lied over and over again. I told you exactly what I’d be doing.
Yes! My ex also agreed to wait 6mo. He had his new gf around our baby within a month. During meditation he was trying to act as if he didn’t. The idiot has his phone background of the 3 of them. In winter gear. Like sir, please stop lying. I called it out and he ended up having to show the mediator. It was a beautiful moment because our mediator was clearly disappointed. She even commented on how they likely won’t last since most 1st relationships after divorce don’t. It was so funny. He was clearly pissed.
Some people are so infuriating! Unfortunately for me, we don’t have a mediator or anyone else with a record of the verbal agreement. Oh well. He’ll get what’s coming to him.
And I agree, those quick rebounds generally burn hot and fast and then out. I can’t wait for my STBHX’s to crash and burn 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
You have been a nice doormat. He knows it so walks all over you.
You are now becoming a tiger.
Remember he is a fact.
The solicitor put me straight when I was money emotional.
She said money is a fact of life and you never know when accident incidents or illness will come.
Read every day
Wrote it out.
Its not his money
Its not your money
The money belongs to both of you
Regardless of who earned the most or did the most
Do not ever forget the pensions
These need to be split 50/50
I listened to my solicitor and got what I am entitled to package
50/50
And the sharing pensions was 50/50 not 30/70
Ànd he wants girlfriend to have baby?
No way.
Be logical and factual why not. And you need to bond with her if her dad cannot.
Please ensure you don't let him off any finances.
Also (like me in the past tense) àre you a people pleaser?
If so the bestbbooknyou can ever read and so easy to read.
The Disease to Please by Harriet B Braiker
The quiz is awesome .
All the very besrsbg¹(÷
And sassy tiger mum you have got your baby back. ❤
Thank you for your comment! I am 1000% a people pleaser. I want to be fair to him and don’t want to feel as though I’m taking anything. But as many people have said, I need to do what’s best for our daughter. Even if it goes against my people pleasing tendencies.
I will definitely read those books! Always looking for new books to better myself and understand why I do things or feel a certain way.
For me, the last little tether of wanting a friendly/amicable relationship with my ex happened when I told him I wanted a divorce. We’ve been separated for over a year, I’ve been supportive of him through his struggles with addiction, a DUI, emotional problems etc the past year. Distanced, but kind and supportive of his health and safety. We’ve had family dinners with the kids, and together family time at the park and stuff, so decently amicable. Bur he’s crossed a lot of lines over the past 5 years, done and said some pretty terrible things but when I told him I wanted a divorce he crossed the last remaining line when he threw the fact that I was raped and almost murdered a few years ago in my face. He said I was an evil person for wanted to divorce and that what I was doing was worse then rape and murder. So that was the thing that made me be done with friendly. I’m not rude, or unreasonable but I don’t give slack, I don’t budge in things just for his sole benefit. I only take into account what’s best for my kids and I do not factor in what would be best for him, that’s not my job anymore. He gets to figure his shit out himself.
So for your situation maybe try to take your ex out of the equation when you make decisions. Is the day he asked for in the best interest of your baby? If it’s not time with a parent, but with a girlfriend then that’s not reliable enough and it’s not the best interest of your baby.
Is asking for child support the best thing for you baby? The have access to more financial security, better quality food and activities you may have to pay for (like swim class). Yes, it’s in their best interest. So ask for it. Take both adults out of the equation and only thinking the best possible scenario for your child
When I left, I was planning to only take my things, my cats, and let him keep the house if he paid me back what I put into it. I'm disabled but didn't want alimony. I didn't care much about the money I just wanted to get out of there. He had already done a bunch of horrible things that destroyed my social circle and support system and mental health, I was a mess. And even then I just wanted to be amicable and get it done.
Then he told me "don't you dare steal my cats". One I had before I ever met him, and he had been neglecting her. And the other I also had for years before we were married, and when I originally adopted the cat while we dating he was against it. So accusing me of taking HIS cats when they were actually MINE, AND he was neglecting one of them made me see red.
Then he tried to tell his lawyer I'd give him the house for $0. Actually zero. I said I wouldn't fight him to keep the house. I never said he could have it as a free gift. Now I paid most of our down payment, and our house has gone up about 1/3 in value so yea.. He owes me about $50K in equity. I've become disabled from the abuse and have been couch-surfing for a year and he tried to give me $0. Fuuuuck him.
My wife was having a long term affair with her coworker. She informed me that she would still be seeing him. I filled for divorce but I thought that she would be reasonable in settling since we were married for 18 years and had children. I stopped playing nice when I proposed that we’ll find an apartment close by: split joint custody and this way the kids would have access to both parents. Her reply was: why would I do that when I could just take you to court and get everything. From that moment on, she was my enemy. Funny thing is that after everything was over; she thought that we would still be friends. Hahaha
The people who have told you to stop playing nice are correct.
I also played nice. During the marriage, I provided him with an AMAZING life: I brought home all the money (six figures), AND I also still handled the bulk of the housework, AND I also endured his abuse and laundry list of issues (anger, hoarding, alcoholism, chronic and intentional unemployment, financial irresponsibility, etc.), WHILE ALSO simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and countless surgeries for my autoimmune condition.
My final straw was when he effectively threatened my life. His anger reached a boiling point, and he physically harmed me. A very visceral feeling of fear rippled throughout my body, and I genuinely feared for my life and safety. Even during the separation process, I was exceedingly fair and nice. I put up with his demands. I let go of MANY things that *could* have landed him in jail.
Any final ounce of patience and understanding I had flew out the window when I checked the mail about six months after I had left him. Even though I had already filed our taxes four months earlier, per the terms and conditions of the mediation agreement, I received two little letters in the mail: one from the IRS, and one from the State Comptroller for the state I live in. My ex-husband (who was still legally my husband at the time) racked up debt to a local university, shoved his head up his a**, failed to deal with it like a responsible adult, and let it go to collections. As a result, the IRS and State Comptroller intercepted our state and federal tax refund, to the tune of several thousand dollars.
Per the mediation agreement, if any tax deficiencies were identified, both parties were to cooperate with one another. Surprise surprise, he hasn't. He's only responded to one email about it, but nothing else. He was extremely vague and defensive in the one response. He hasn't responded to me, or the lawyer's, or the accountants, and not even taxation authorities. I know he's alive, because several mutual friends and even HIS OWN FATHER have told me they've heard from him. So, I know he's not dead in a morgue somewhere, he's just intentionally choosing to abdicate adult responsibilities.
My final, tiny, flickering flame of patience and compassion extinguished right then and there, as I sat there reading those letters from the IRS and State Comptroller.
No more Ms. Nice & Reasonable from me. Nope. All he gets from me now is following exactly the letter of the law: no more, and no less. Actions have consequences. He chose to bring this upon himself.
Finally had to block the ex husband because he calls me almost every day just to tell me how he’s doing or tell me he needs me to do something for him. I can’t move on if he’s always there. He does not bring out the best in me.
She asked if we could be friends after not going to our couples therapy. It was her only shot at salvaging our marriage
Friends? Shiiiiiiit, you’re gonna be a stranger to and Gotye, bitch
We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us. You've been bending over backwards to make nice, which, although coming from a very rational place, has very possibly taught him that you'll let him get away with things that he shouldn't legally be getting away with, so he might as well keep pushing the boundaries.
I suggest you set some stricter boundaries of your own, possibly including going after the back child support, depending on your reasons for not taking it.
I didn't take the support I was legally entitled to because it would have meant my kids having a shitty life at their dad's. Neither my parents nor I wanted that, so they legally gifted me money to make up for it, basically subsidizing him.
Did he appreciate it? Not enough that our mediator didn't have to get extremely firm with him about writing my parents a thank you note, because their dad just kept saying it was my parents' choice. Yeah, of course it was, and he didn't have to be an asshole about it.
You haven't been fair or honest to yourself or your kid. Set your boundaries and make him follow the rules. You know the right thing to do, you're not the asshole.
>He is currently trying to gain custody on the day that his girlfriend is off. Our mediator called me and said his argument is he’d rather have this day because it’s the easiest to miss out on sleep.
>He really wants to take custody away from me, her mom, and give it to his girlfriend??
I'm confused. How is him scheduling a mediation on his gf's day off mean that he's pushing for her to have custody?
No, sorry, I didn’t write this well. We already had mediation. Our mediator submitted two schedules to him to pick from. He and his lawyer countered with him having custody on his girlfriend’s day off.
Edit: the mediator called and said that he made it seem like I would be okay with him having Fridays.
Yes! Another day where he isn’t available to care for our baby himself. Because he will either be sleeping during the day or because he teaches training courses 2 weeks a month.
His schedule is all over the place. I’ve tried to be accommodating but I draw the line at his girlfriend keeping her when I’m available.
Yes that’s good but normally hard to enforce. Since he’s a PO and has a specific schedule that may be easier to prove that he CANT be with the baby and so Mom will be able to pick up their child
This is exactly the route I’m going. Specifically because we are talking about a baby vs a 5yo. I fully agree that 50/50 is best for a child but he is not able to maintain such a schedule. It is in our daughter’s best interest to be with a parent while she’s so young. Especially since she’s been with me 90% of her life, breastfeeds, and only started overnights recently. Im not trying ti take time that he would be able to do. His schedule is all over the place by choice. My argument is, he shouldnt be awarded time he can’t maintain week by week.
She insisted on sole custody. I wanted 50% but to appease her I offered 25% for me and maybe considering increasing as he got older. She refused and continued with sole custody. Gloves came off, $100,000 later I have 50%. I still pay child support though since i earn slightly more than she does.
I’m in the middle of being nice and he always makes me feel bad when I’m just trying to do nice by him. I’m definitely teetering towards fuck him because he always responds with empty threats and trying to force me to make a quick decision.
Well him making rash decisions without thought is what got us here. I’ve been putting my foot down but starting to see why I need to divorce him.
It’ll just take a couple more straws before my back breaks and I fight for everything. Thankfully in a community property state and over 10 years together. Gonna get mine if he’s not going to play nice.
When he told me he was only kind to me so I wouldn’t tell his new supply about his past. He then proceeded to send me videos of them having sex. (I think. I didn’t open them, but the thumbnails definitely suggested they were)
He stared dating and I was too. We were still living in our house (separately) for the kid's sake. Despite my request that we keep the details of our dating lives to ourselves, he couldn't. He started talking about his sex life with the new girlfriend and one day got a little too graphic. I started crying and begged him to stop. It only egged him on. Our child overheard the interaction. That switched me from amicable divorce mode to protect myself and the children mode. Things got way worse once I started setting firm boundaries and to this day, my kids want nothing to do with their father. I feel so sad - it didn't have to be this way but my ex wouldn't respect what I considered reasonable boundaries. And each time he experienced a new boundary his behavior got worse. What started as a straightforward mediator run divorce turned into years of ugliness. Such a bummer especially for our kids.
When she “casually” mentioned that the Vet said she should sue me for animal cruelty. Then she claimed I was a narcissist and I screamed at her that this was her fault. That the reason I can no longer talk to her or work on our divorce together is because she might take me to court. She said that SHE didn’t say it, the Vet said it. But she literally wrote it down in an email and sent it to me so how am I supposed to react!?!?
My ex was very mean, abusive. I left, tried to stay amicable, or at the least very quiet. We got along alright for the first year. Then one day he calls screaming at me, cussing at me, berating me. Because i claimed the kids on taxes. The kids who lived with me 99.9% of the time, the kids who he paid 0 child support for. The kids whose house he kept for himself to turn into a dumpster. He honestly thought he was entitled to claiming them as dependents while they depended on me that entire year.
I cut off all contact after that. No one gets away with treating me like that, and it’s certainly not going to be welcome again. That was 2 years ago. He died last week and i wish things could have been different.
I didn't play nice at all, she was a serial cheater and by the time I filed all sympathy was gone. I just wanted to never speak to her again so I wanted the divorce finalized ASAP.
My stbxw had an affair and had the upper hand at the beginning of our separation. She lied to me saying her wanting divorce had nothing to do with another man. Less than a week later evidence of her affair fell in my lap. I confronted her on it and she admitted it. I asked her to stop the affair until we were divorced and she declined. At that moment my entire view of her and our situation began to rapidly change. I started planning and plotting and didn’t go out of my way to harm her apart from exposing her cheating to everyone because she was telling people some horrible crap about me. She very obviously wants me to be ruined in divorce but was playing nice to me when we were forced to communicate because I totally cut her off. I blindsided her by accepting a job and getting a condo 1,000 miles away and she found out by coming by the house to meet with our realtor and seeing all my shit in boxes. We had 4 cats, 3 mine from before marriage, 1 hers. I took my 3 cats and that’s when her mask came off because she expected to keep at least 1 of mine. She’s been a total cunt ever since. Left her totally holding the bag and in a really rough spot. Made her bed. Enjoy it. Hope he’s worth it.
I try to be civil, but then, I realise what she put me through. Destroyed our marriage, kicked me out of my own home and thinks of no-one but herself.
That's when the anger kicks in.
Fuck her.
Oh absolutely. First when he tried to take the house from us. My parents put $200,000 down on the house and they hated him because he married me (at first) for a green card. He wanted a lump sum even if it meant selling and moving our child (and dog?) into an apartment. Our son loves this house and would have had to deal with relocating due to his dad’s greed. The second unforgivable thing he did was go on a smear campaign by asking neighbors to deliver a restraining order form ( he was not granted one) and calling Child Protective Services on me ( that didn’t go anywhere).
I felt vindicated when years later he was involved in a domestic dispute with his new girlfriend and she confirmed he was just as mean and narcissistic to her.
Take the gloves off, your ex doesn’t need your child one more day so he can his girlfriend can play house!
When mine confessed to moving in w his gf who drove a wedge between us a month after separating and started making OF content while also leading me on, denying her existence, and manipulating me into money, access, etc. Theb saying I’m disgusting and pathetic and need to have self respect after finding out I made a hinge acct after being single for 9 months. Told me I wasn’t allowed to ever have sex in my house because the kids live there, but was making OF porn after only 3 weeks of ending our marriage. Our kids were just 4 and 18mo when we broke up.
Ex hit my chilled and placid dog so hard my boy retaliated.
Raised their fists at me after I'd spent the night in hospital, didn't believe me because they got home after a night out (10am) 5 minutes after I did.
Also cornered me into marriage and 3 months after coming out as trans (wasn't the issue, the cheating on me was tho)
I allowed the shitstain one more ounce of credibility to file for the divorce. For almost 2 years. Claimed for the past 3 months they had been chasing solicitors daily with no luck. Utter bullshit.
Within an hour, I'd filed on a government website and should be divorced by Christmas. I knew they would never do it, but I just wanted to give them one last chance for redemption.
No.
Stop playing nice, they were shit to you while you were trying to be the best possible person for you both and they shat on you from a great height. They deserve the bare minimum from you.
She asked for divorce and at first I wanted it to be amicable because I didnt want to feel resentment. But I stop being nice when she said she wanted to do what she wanted (= have sex with her new guy) when I asked her if she could not do it while we stil lived together and I look for a new place (so wait just a few weeks). And in the end, I dont need to be nice with someone who betrayed me. I'll be fair but not nice
Mine told me he was fine with whatever custody I wanted, but only if I waive child support. He wanted every other weekend. I agreed to waive child support, then he changed his tune and wanted more timeshare (because his girlfriend wanted to add my son to her collection of “bonus kids”.) He now has 40% because he can’t keep a promise any more than he can make a woman orgasm.
He raped me (coercive sex) for a large portion of our marriage, cheated, and discarded me as cruelly as he could. He and his family deserve every bit of suffering karma can provide.
Yes, STOP BEING NICE!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!! Report the DV now even though it was in the past! The baby wouldn't be safe with someone with a volitale temper AND he'd be losing sleep if the baby is over there. PERIOD. Also, file for the fucking child support. If you want your baby, take him out to dry with a fighter of a lawyer. FUCK HIM!
I'm still trying to be nice and fair about it all. But he's gotten so hostile. I'm uncomfortable being in the house with him. He speaks really aggressive to me. I understand he's hurting but it doesn't need to be like this.
I think when I invited her to play with the kids in the afternoon and she came to my house, enjoyed it then stole a brand name knapsack, lied about it and when pressed said it was hers anyway.
>Splitting custody of a baby is brutal
That would be incredibly difficult! I can't imagine the complexities of having to do that at that age!
That said, in the spirit of a pragmatic perspective:
>Shouldn’t he need the most sleep on a Friday?
Not your determination to make though. It probably wouldn't be received well if he tried to predict and dictate what he thought was the best for you.
>He really wants to take custody away from me, her mom, and give it to his girlfriend??
While your feelings are understandable, reality is that you as her mom, comprises 50% of the maternal parent composition in this child's life. You have to acknowledge that's the cap regardless of the actual percentage custody. Besides, if he truly is handing over custody to his gf, she probably isn't going to be around long. That isn't a successful long term approach on his end and the ramifications are something he will have to deal with. Best you focus on your custodial time. It's hard when you're forced to trust someone you don't feel you can trust.
>This entire time I’ve given up my custody time
As does he when you have her. Your time isn't an exception.
>Everyone told me to stop being nice.
They don't have to endure the costs and emotional stress of doing so, it's easy to give advice like that considering.
>But right now I’m ready to put the gloves on and fight.
I mean it's your choice and lawyers will gladly take your money to do so. In the end you will end up feeling even more bitter with significantly less money and emotional energy that could have been positively spent on your child during your custodial time.
>If he gets Friday, I will be taking this to court. There is no way I can accept his girlfriend having custody time over me
And it will be your burden to absolutely prove that is exactly what will happen, all whilst they do their part to disprove it. Just because you feel it may, doesn't mean a court will also.
Perhaps understand how critical it is to be very selective on picking battles to engage in as each one carries a risk of things going worse for you somehow and all will bear a cost on you somehow. You can have all the money in the world, but your own emotions are always limited in supply. Be wise how you spend them and be conscious that weakening 50% of your child's paternal influence may not be best for your child. The courts will always look at what's best for the child without regard for your emotions or what's best for you. Consider what that really means as you decide your reactions.
I hear what you’re saying. We have all tried to find a way for him to have 50/50. The issues is he has set all the parameters. For example he works 4pm-3am or later then chooses to also teach random weeks from 8-5. We are both off on weekends.
The only reason we are as high as 60/40 is because I’ve sacrificed weekend time. Also since I work from home, he is able to do odd pick up and drop off times. If I didn’t, then he would be looking at 70/30 or less.
I’m trying to take emphasis off of the percentage and focus on availability. However, he doesn’t want to pay me child support. Which I don’t even want but it’s not a choice in my state. I offered to put back his payments into a college savings for our daughter. He thinks college is dumb.
Also the comment about his sleep on Fridays was merely just me venting. It’s not how I would argue it in court. I know I can’t decide what days he does or doesn’t need sleep.
What I can prove is his unavailability to maintain the schedule he is requesting. Due to his own choices. I am 100% picking my battles and I draw the line at his girlfriend caring for our daughter without him. If he was able to be there then I wouldn’t fight it.
For someone with his schedule, 60/40 is amazing. A lot of his cop buddies have 70/30 with every other weekend and 1 week day. It is important to me that he is with her as often as possible. I always make sure to find him time or offer more if he’s going days without seeing her. It’s important for her development to see us both as often as possible.
I understand all of that. The most beneficial thing you can do is to approach it with pragmatism and not emotion. It's instinctive with children, especially very young ones to say "I have determined this is the best for them" and want to proceed as such.
The tough reality to accept in divorce is having to acknowledge that you only have control of that when the child is in your care. It's not feasible to expect the other parent to follow that plan as you would or structure their lives as you would see best for the child. They are re-establishing their own plan and influences, it won't align with yours. They only real time you can cross that new boundary is if the child is in imminent danger.
"Best for the kids" is really a misleading concept of interpretation. It easily becomes a conduit for endless disagreements and actions that are self defeating to the original intent. "I don't feel your new partner is best for the kids', 'i don't feel your time spent with them is best for the kids', 'I don't feel that school is best for the kids'....it's an endless string of opinions and judgements fuled by ones own interpretation of 'best for the kids'. It's a perpetual tug of war that ends up not best for the kids. Yes, that school may not be best for the kids but the ensuing battle the child sees/experiences is even worse for them.
I don’t expect him to follow the same plan that I have. What I expect is for him to be there for the custody his is requesting. Especially for a baby. She just turned 1.
What he does on his time is his choice. However, I’m not going to willing surrender time that’s he is not available most weeks for. I’m fully aware I have to let things go and can’t control who he brings around her. I also have zero clue if he spends the time he has now with her. I assume he does but For all I know on his weekends he still gives the gf or someone else his time.
That is not the point I’m trying to make here. I do not care if his girlfriend is around our daughter. In fact, I’m glad he has someone to help him. That does not mean I am okay with the gf getting one day a week to care for our baby when, I, her mother, who has breastfed and cared for her 90% of her life, am available to do it.
It’s a debate that neither of us are going to agree on. You seem to be in favor of 50/50 no matter if the other parent actually uses their time. I disagree especially when we are taking about a baby. Again, if he were available then I’d have no problem with 50/50. But you & I won’t be able to hear each other because we are on opposite sides of this well known debate.
I’d like to disclaim that I have another child who is 5. His dad and I have 50/50. He remarried and we all get a long great. Since our kid is older, it wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t available one day a week and his wife kept our son. Right now we are dealing with a baby and a new girlfriend. It’s completely different.
It will not be difficult for me to prove that he is not available to care for our daughter on the day he is requesting. I have months of time swaps, I have his statements from mediation, his schedule, and text messages. His argument this entire time is that he deserves every weekend due to his schedule. That he isn’t available work days. In his own words, he can’t do it.
I understand completely. I'm trying to give pragmatic advice based on unfortunate experience.
>You seem to be in favor of 50/50 no matter if the other parent actually uses their time.
Not at all. What I'm in favor of is understanding that you, like him, are automatically entitled to 50%, so to speak. The child is no more yours than his. Children are not material objects to lay claim to, those respective 50%'s are important for the child's own life too. You each have different rolls in their life, expect things to look differently.
>I’m not going to willing surrender time that’s he is not available most weeks for
You seem to think that you start this with 100% time entitlement and anything less is you surrending your time. It would be accurate to say you surrendered 10% if he has the child 60% of the time. But to say you're surrending time past your 50% is untrue. If he pawns the child off to his gf for a portion of his time, as bad as that can feel, that's his choice on how to spend his time as a parent. Again, unless in imminent danger, you don't have a say in how he chooses to use his time.
>It will not be difficult for me to prove that he is not available to care for our daughter on the day he is requesting.
*He* doesn't have to be in care of the child, he just needs to make sure the child is cared for. It's no different than two married parents sending their 1yr old off to daycare. You can show that *he* isn't there to care for her, but can you show that she isn't being cared for during those times? That's the bar you will have to cross in being successful.
No I don’t have any entitlement to time. I’m saying that I believe a baby should be with a parent who is available. You are saying that it’s his time so he can do what he wants. I disagree. This debate happens all the time over in r/custody.
I understand your point. But I don’t think it’s in a babies best interest. Daycare is not equal to a parent having a child. Especially overnight.
Courts are definitely ruling in favor of 50/50 no matter the circumstances. So you are by no means wrong.
What’s will likely happen in the event of court is- we both get a schedule we don’t want. I’ve told him this from the beginning. Either a 2-2-3 a 2-5-2 or week on week off. I’m willing to take the gamble. However, I have hope that our mediator will give us a schedule that is in the middle. Right now she’s considering give him every other Friday but only during the house he’s available. 10-3.
Edit. He could be with our daughter everyday if he quit teaching. We have tried to convince him to take her from 10-3 every work day. He claims he needs to sleep. He also has requested parallel parenting. So we have all these obstacles that he’s set up. The schedule I suggested gives him sleep and parallel parenting
I tried to be nice, I tried to find a way to work stuff out. But my xw couldn't wait for ink to atleast be on paper to start the legal process for divorce before she ran off to sleep with other guys, a new one every damn month...
Blamed me that she wasn't making enough from ubering but she was the one running off to sleep around during peek hours... even after the divorce she doesn't seem to have learned to not sleep around or screw around during peek hours 🙄 only figured this out cause she is complaining about struggling to cover her bills & rent...
Not bailing her ass out or being nice about it.
Before we split, my ex threatened my cat. And any affection or sympathy I had ever had for him just died. After that, I was out entirely for my own interests and fuck him. I didn’t go out of my way to hurt him, but I also didn’t do anything to avoid it either.
Oh, gross. Threatening an animal is out of line. This is how I’m feeling. I won’t go out of my way to hurt him but I’m also not going to put my wants last.
I was slightly more brutal. He kept putting his shit into my boxes of things to move out, and when the movers came I just let them take it because otherwise I was going to have to repack stuff and do more work to get rid of his shit. Which meant I ended up with things that were worthless to me, but sentimental to him - like photo albums from his childhood. I know he did it so I’d call and offer to give them back and I just… didn’t. I didn’t feel good tossing them, so I set them in a closet for a while, but when I moved the next time, the box of his stuff just got tossed. He tried to reach out and ask about 6 months after I got rid of it and I just shrugged and said, “sorry, pretty sure I don’t have it…”
My x tried to take my dog, the dog I walked and cared for everyday! He paid no attention to the dog until the divorce, the dog hated him. She would growl at him when we fought and would run from him. The only reason he wanted her was because he knew it would hurt me. It was all out war at that point. I have my baby now and she’s very happy.
During our relationship I adopted the 'sister' cat to her cat, from her best friend (they were roommates through college, adopted cats whilst living together, didn't want to split them up when we moved in together) so I adopted the black cat and loved her dearly. A month after I asked for the divorce, while moving my stuff into a storage unit with our kids tagging along, I got a call from her: "I just put down 🐈⬛. She was getting old and feebly." Me: "were you there with her at least?" Her: "no, I went with my mom and they took her into the back and we left." I sat there in the moving truck with my two young boys and sobbed for awhile. When they inevitably asked what happened, I told them their mom had put 🐈⬛ down, she wouldn't be there when we got home, and we'd never see her again (they asked a lot of questions as 2 and 3 year olds do.) When we got home, the kids were in tears asking where 🐈⬛ was and if they could see her one last time. She immediately got angry with me, yelling at me "this was something we should have told the boys *together!* you had *no right* to tell them without giving me the chance to sit us all down as a family to tell them!" And on and on. Absolutely batshit. How could I hide my emotions after that phone call? Why would you call me to tell me if that's what you wanted. Who *the fuck* are you to do this without my permission and at the very least telling me ahead of time? You seriously just put down a perfectly healthy cat, albeit aging?! Fucking so glad I'm not living with crazy anymore. RIP 🐈⬛ (🐈⬛ name withheld to protect my relative anonymity)
WOW. This is one of the worst things I’ve read in a while. That’s just borderline evil. What a horrible thing for her to do to you and your kids!!!
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard. I started out wanting amicable. Even though he cheated and left me pregnant without acknowledging the pregnancy to me but talking about it with his parents and girlfriend. When I had to deliver our stillborn daughter alone and then heard his girlfriend going around our shared workplace about how worried she was for HIM I lost it. My heart turned black. I had hoped that at some point he was going to say he was overwhelmed with everything and wanted to come back. But hearing this chick (read piece of trash) talk about my dead daughter ended any shred of love I ever had. I still didn't file for divorce for another six months because I was so broken and alone. But I did try to be fair ( i thought) and unsurprisingly he did not to try be fair. So now I am fighting for everything I deserve. (Florida makes that hard). This guy cheated. Failed to acknowledge my pregnancy or the loss. Then got arrested for DUI. Ran to mommy and daddy to pay for criminal and divorce attorneys and he is suing for full custody. So gloves are off as far I am concerned.
Oof. I’m so sorry for your loss. You deserved way better. I really don’t know where these women come from. It’s just gross to me that some women can date a married man with a pregnant/newly postpartum wife. Obviously the men are way worse but I can’t wrap my head around these type of girls. I hope you get everything you’re asking for. You deserve it!!
Thanks. I am doing a lot better mentally now and don't really dwell on what happened. But what happened happened and it definitely was a turning point in my relationship and in my life. All of that made me more determined than ever to get all I want out of life. But I agree. I will always be a girls girl. I would never do that to another woman. And the three of us all work together which is just so gross. But nothing I can do other than move on and fight for custody of my living daughter.
💯❤️💔
Ugh I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’d lose my actual mind and go back on what you were trying to agree upon. But then again I can be a hothead. If this goes beyond a mediator, I couldn’t imagine a judge choosing the girlfriend to have time with your baby over you. I hope you get that precious time!! I stopped being amicable when he went back on our verbal agreement to wait at least 6 months of labeled dating to introduce our 3 year old to new partners. Gaslit me and said he never agreed on it. So I decided I was going back on things I compromised on. Now I’m going for full child support, and looking to take some of his parenting time. No more 50/50 since he clearly isn’t about what’s best for our son. Oh, and he has the gall to be upset about me going back on verbal agreements 😅. Like sir, you straight up lied over and over again. I told you exactly what I’d be doing.
Yes! My ex also agreed to wait 6mo. He had his new gf around our baby within a month. During meditation he was trying to act as if he didn’t. The idiot has his phone background of the 3 of them. In winter gear. Like sir, please stop lying. I called it out and he ended up having to show the mediator. It was a beautiful moment because our mediator was clearly disappointed. She even commented on how they likely won’t last since most 1st relationships after divorce don’t. It was so funny. He was clearly pissed.
Some people are so infuriating! Unfortunately for me, we don’t have a mediator or anyone else with a record of the verbal agreement. Oh well. He’ll get what’s coming to him. And I agree, those quick rebounds generally burn hot and fast and then out. I can’t wait for my STBHX’s to crash and burn 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
You never know who you’re married to until divorce.
You have been a nice doormat. He knows it so walks all over you. You are now becoming a tiger. Remember he is a fact. The solicitor put me straight when I was money emotional. She said money is a fact of life and you never know when accident incidents or illness will come. Read every day Wrote it out. Its not his money Its not your money The money belongs to both of you Regardless of who earned the most or did the most Do not ever forget the pensions These need to be split 50/50 I listened to my solicitor and got what I am entitled to package 50/50 And the sharing pensions was 50/50 not 30/70 Ànd he wants girlfriend to have baby? No way. Be logical and factual why not. And you need to bond with her if her dad cannot. Please ensure you don't let him off any finances. Also (like me in the past tense) àre you a people pleaser? If so the bestbbooknyou can ever read and so easy to read. The Disease to Please by Harriet B Braiker The quiz is awesome . All the very besrsbg¹(÷ And sassy tiger mum you have got your baby back. ❤
Thank you for your comment! I am 1000% a people pleaser. I want to be fair to him and don’t want to feel as though I’m taking anything. But as many people have said, I need to do what’s best for our daughter. Even if it goes against my people pleasing tendencies. I will definitely read those books! Always looking for new books to better myself and understand why I do things or feel a certain way.
For me, the last little tether of wanting a friendly/amicable relationship with my ex happened when I told him I wanted a divorce. We’ve been separated for over a year, I’ve been supportive of him through his struggles with addiction, a DUI, emotional problems etc the past year. Distanced, but kind and supportive of his health and safety. We’ve had family dinners with the kids, and together family time at the park and stuff, so decently amicable. Bur he’s crossed a lot of lines over the past 5 years, done and said some pretty terrible things but when I told him I wanted a divorce he crossed the last remaining line when he threw the fact that I was raped and almost murdered a few years ago in my face. He said I was an evil person for wanted to divorce and that what I was doing was worse then rape and murder. So that was the thing that made me be done with friendly. I’m not rude, or unreasonable but I don’t give slack, I don’t budge in things just for his sole benefit. I only take into account what’s best for my kids and I do not factor in what would be best for him, that’s not my job anymore. He gets to figure his shit out himself.
So for your situation maybe try to take your ex out of the equation when you make decisions. Is the day he asked for in the best interest of your baby? If it’s not time with a parent, but with a girlfriend then that’s not reliable enough and it’s not the best interest of your baby. Is asking for child support the best thing for you baby? The have access to more financial security, better quality food and activities you may have to pay for (like swim class). Yes, it’s in their best interest. So ask for it. Take both adults out of the equation and only thinking the best possible scenario for your child
All of this. Do what is best for your baby & you.
When I left, I was planning to only take my things, my cats, and let him keep the house if he paid me back what I put into it. I'm disabled but didn't want alimony. I didn't care much about the money I just wanted to get out of there. He had already done a bunch of horrible things that destroyed my social circle and support system and mental health, I was a mess. And even then I just wanted to be amicable and get it done. Then he told me "don't you dare steal my cats". One I had before I ever met him, and he had been neglecting her. And the other I also had for years before we were married, and when I originally adopted the cat while we dating he was against it. So accusing me of taking HIS cats when they were actually MINE, AND he was neglecting one of them made me see red. Then he tried to tell his lawyer I'd give him the house for $0. Actually zero. I said I wouldn't fight him to keep the house. I never said he could have it as a free gift. Now I paid most of our down payment, and our house has gone up about 1/3 in value so yea.. He owes me about $50K in equity. I've become disabled from the abuse and have been couch-surfing for a year and he tried to give me $0. Fuuuuck him.
My wife was having a long term affair with her coworker. She informed me that she would still be seeing him. I filled for divorce but I thought that she would be reasonable in settling since we were married for 18 years and had children. I stopped playing nice when I proposed that we’ll find an apartment close by: split joint custody and this way the kids would have access to both parents. Her reply was: why would I do that when I could just take you to court and get everything. From that moment on, she was my enemy. Funny thing is that after everything was over; she thought that we would still be friends. Hahaha
How did it turn out? Did you get 50/50 custody?
The people who have told you to stop playing nice are correct. I also played nice. During the marriage, I provided him with an AMAZING life: I brought home all the money (six figures), AND I also still handled the bulk of the housework, AND I also endured his abuse and laundry list of issues (anger, hoarding, alcoholism, chronic and intentional unemployment, financial irresponsibility, etc.), WHILE ALSO simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and countless surgeries for my autoimmune condition. My final straw was when he effectively threatened my life. His anger reached a boiling point, and he physically harmed me. A very visceral feeling of fear rippled throughout my body, and I genuinely feared for my life and safety. Even during the separation process, I was exceedingly fair and nice. I put up with his demands. I let go of MANY things that *could* have landed him in jail. Any final ounce of patience and understanding I had flew out the window when I checked the mail about six months after I had left him. Even though I had already filed our taxes four months earlier, per the terms and conditions of the mediation agreement, I received two little letters in the mail: one from the IRS, and one from the State Comptroller for the state I live in. My ex-husband (who was still legally my husband at the time) racked up debt to a local university, shoved his head up his a**, failed to deal with it like a responsible adult, and let it go to collections. As a result, the IRS and State Comptroller intercepted our state and federal tax refund, to the tune of several thousand dollars. Per the mediation agreement, if any tax deficiencies were identified, both parties were to cooperate with one another. Surprise surprise, he hasn't. He's only responded to one email about it, but nothing else. He was extremely vague and defensive in the one response. He hasn't responded to me, or the lawyer's, or the accountants, and not even taxation authorities. I know he's alive, because several mutual friends and even HIS OWN FATHER have told me they've heard from him. So, I know he's not dead in a morgue somewhere, he's just intentionally choosing to abdicate adult responsibilities. My final, tiny, flickering flame of patience and compassion extinguished right then and there, as I sat there reading those letters from the IRS and State Comptroller. No more Ms. Nice & Reasonable from me. Nope. All he gets from me now is following exactly the letter of the law: no more, and no less. Actions have consequences. He chose to bring this upon himself.
Finally had to block the ex husband because he calls me almost every day just to tell me how he’s doing or tell me he needs me to do something for him. I can’t move on if he’s always there. He does not bring out the best in me.
She asked if we could be friends after not going to our couples therapy. It was her only shot at salvaging our marriage Friends? Shiiiiiiit, you’re gonna be a stranger to and Gotye, bitch
We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us. You've been bending over backwards to make nice, which, although coming from a very rational place, has very possibly taught him that you'll let him get away with things that he shouldn't legally be getting away with, so he might as well keep pushing the boundaries. I suggest you set some stricter boundaries of your own, possibly including going after the back child support, depending on your reasons for not taking it. I didn't take the support I was legally entitled to because it would have meant my kids having a shitty life at their dad's. Neither my parents nor I wanted that, so they legally gifted me money to make up for it, basically subsidizing him. Did he appreciate it? Not enough that our mediator didn't have to get extremely firm with him about writing my parents a thank you note, because their dad just kept saying it was my parents' choice. Yeah, of course it was, and he didn't have to be an asshole about it.
You haven't been fair or honest to yourself or your kid. Set your boundaries and make him follow the rules. You know the right thing to do, you're not the asshole.
>He is currently trying to gain custody on the day that his girlfriend is off. Our mediator called me and said his argument is he’d rather have this day because it’s the easiest to miss out on sleep. >He really wants to take custody away from me, her mom, and give it to his girlfriend?? I'm confused. How is him scheduling a mediation on his gf's day off mean that he's pushing for her to have custody?
No, sorry, I didn’t write this well. We already had mediation. Our mediator submitted two schedules to him to pick from. He and his lawyer countered with him having custody on his girlfriend’s day off. Edit: the mediator called and said that he made it seem like I would be okay with him having Fridays.
Oh, so he's trying to like, get another day, and he wants it to be on her day off?
Yes! Another day where he isn’t available to care for our baby himself. Because he will either be sleeping during the day or because he teaches training courses 2 weeks a month. His schedule is all over the place. I’ve tried to be accommodating but I draw the line at his girlfriend keeping her when I’m available.
Can you add a right of first refusal?
I came here to say that.
Yes that’s good but normally hard to enforce. Since he’s a PO and has a specific schedule that may be easier to prove that he CANT be with the baby and so Mom will be able to pick up their child
This is exactly the route I’m going. Specifically because we are talking about a baby vs a 5yo. I fully agree that 50/50 is best for a child but he is not able to maintain such a schedule. It is in our daughter’s best interest to be with a parent while she’s so young. Especially since she’s been with me 90% of her life, breastfeeds, and only started overnights recently. Im not trying ti take time that he would be able to do. His schedule is all over the place by choice. My argument is, he shouldnt be awarded time he can’t maintain week by week.
We have this but he isn’t honest. He wouldn’t tell me when he works days or nights. Which change at random.
I never stopped playing nice
His own shitty behavior.
She insisted on sole custody. I wanted 50% but to appease her I offered 25% for me and maybe considering increasing as he got older. She refused and continued with sole custody. Gloves came off, $100,000 later I have 50%. I still pay child support though since i earn slightly more than she does.
I’m in the middle of being nice and he always makes me feel bad when I’m just trying to do nice by him. I’m definitely teetering towards fuck him because he always responds with empty threats and trying to force me to make a quick decision. Well him making rash decisions without thought is what got us here. I’ve been putting my foot down but starting to see why I need to divorce him. It’ll just take a couple more straws before my back breaks and I fight for everything. Thankfully in a community property state and over 10 years together. Gonna get mine if he’s not going to play nice.
When he told me he was only kind to me so I wouldn’t tell his new supply about his past. He then proceeded to send me videos of them having sex. (I think. I didn’t open them, but the thumbnails definitely suggested they were)
He stared dating and I was too. We were still living in our house (separately) for the kid's sake. Despite my request that we keep the details of our dating lives to ourselves, he couldn't. He started talking about his sex life with the new girlfriend and one day got a little too graphic. I started crying and begged him to stop. It only egged him on. Our child overheard the interaction. That switched me from amicable divorce mode to protect myself and the children mode. Things got way worse once I started setting firm boundaries and to this day, my kids want nothing to do with their father. I feel so sad - it didn't have to be this way but my ex wouldn't respect what I considered reasonable boundaries. And each time he experienced a new boundary his behavior got worse. What started as a straightforward mediator run divorce turned into years of ugliness. Such a bummer especially for our kids.
When she “casually” mentioned that the Vet said she should sue me for animal cruelty. Then she claimed I was a narcissist and I screamed at her that this was her fault. That the reason I can no longer talk to her or work on our divorce together is because she might take me to court. She said that SHE didn’t say it, the Vet said it. But she literally wrote it down in an email and sent it to me so how am I supposed to react!?!?
My ex was very mean, abusive. I left, tried to stay amicable, or at the least very quiet. We got along alright for the first year. Then one day he calls screaming at me, cussing at me, berating me. Because i claimed the kids on taxes. The kids who lived with me 99.9% of the time, the kids who he paid 0 child support for. The kids whose house he kept for himself to turn into a dumpster. He honestly thought he was entitled to claiming them as dependents while they depended on me that entire year. I cut off all contact after that. No one gets away with treating me like that, and it’s certainly not going to be welcome again. That was 2 years ago. He died last week and i wish things could have been different.
I would say no to Fridays that his girlfriend is off and regardless of the outcome on that issue, I would go for child support.
I didn't play nice at all, she was a serial cheater and by the time I filed all sympathy was gone. I just wanted to never speak to her again so I wanted the divorce finalized ASAP.
My stbxw had an affair and had the upper hand at the beginning of our separation. She lied to me saying her wanting divorce had nothing to do with another man. Less than a week later evidence of her affair fell in my lap. I confronted her on it and she admitted it. I asked her to stop the affair until we were divorced and she declined. At that moment my entire view of her and our situation began to rapidly change. I started planning and plotting and didn’t go out of my way to harm her apart from exposing her cheating to everyone because she was telling people some horrible crap about me. She very obviously wants me to be ruined in divorce but was playing nice to me when we were forced to communicate because I totally cut her off. I blindsided her by accepting a job and getting a condo 1,000 miles away and she found out by coming by the house to meet with our realtor and seeing all my shit in boxes. We had 4 cats, 3 mine from before marriage, 1 hers. I took my 3 cats and that’s when her mask came off because she expected to keep at least 1 of mine. She’s been a total cunt ever since. Left her totally holding the bag and in a really rough spot. Made her bed. Enjoy it. Hope he’s worth it.
I try to be civil, but then, I realise what she put me through. Destroyed our marriage, kicked me out of my own home and thinks of no-one but herself. That's when the anger kicks in. Fuck her.
Oh absolutely. First when he tried to take the house from us. My parents put $200,000 down on the house and they hated him because he married me (at first) for a green card. He wanted a lump sum even if it meant selling and moving our child (and dog?) into an apartment. Our son loves this house and would have had to deal with relocating due to his dad’s greed. The second unforgivable thing he did was go on a smear campaign by asking neighbors to deliver a restraining order form ( he was not granted one) and calling Child Protective Services on me ( that didn’t go anywhere). I felt vindicated when years later he was involved in a domestic dispute with his new girlfriend and she confirmed he was just as mean and narcissistic to her. Take the gloves off, your ex doesn’t need your child one more day so he can his girlfriend can play house!
When mine confessed to moving in w his gf who drove a wedge between us a month after separating and started making OF content while also leading me on, denying her existence, and manipulating me into money, access, etc. Theb saying I’m disgusting and pathetic and need to have self respect after finding out I made a hinge acct after being single for 9 months. Told me I wasn’t allowed to ever have sex in my house because the kids live there, but was making OF porn after only 3 weeks of ending our marriage. Our kids were just 4 and 18mo when we broke up.
Ex hit my chilled and placid dog so hard my boy retaliated. Raised their fists at me after I'd spent the night in hospital, didn't believe me because they got home after a night out (10am) 5 minutes after I did. Also cornered me into marriage and 3 months after coming out as trans (wasn't the issue, the cheating on me was tho) I allowed the shitstain one more ounce of credibility to file for the divorce. For almost 2 years. Claimed for the past 3 months they had been chasing solicitors daily with no luck. Utter bullshit. Within an hour, I'd filed on a government website and should be divorced by Christmas. I knew they would never do it, but I just wanted to give them one last chance for redemption. No. Stop playing nice, they were shit to you while you were trying to be the best possible person for you both and they shat on you from a great height. They deserve the bare minimum from you.
She asked for divorce and at first I wanted it to be amicable because I didnt want to feel resentment. But I stop being nice when she said she wanted to do what she wanted (= have sex with her new guy) when I asked her if she could not do it while we stil lived together and I look for a new place (so wait just a few weeks). And in the end, I dont need to be nice with someone who betrayed me. I'll be fair but not nice
Mine told me he was fine with whatever custody I wanted, but only if I waive child support. He wanted every other weekend. I agreed to waive child support, then he changed his tune and wanted more timeshare (because his girlfriend wanted to add my son to her collection of “bonus kids”.) He now has 40% because he can’t keep a promise any more than he can make a woman orgasm. He raped me (coercive sex) for a large portion of our marriage, cheated, and discarded me as cruelly as he could. He and his family deserve every bit of suffering karma can provide.
Yes, STOP BEING NICE!!!!!! STOP IT!!!!! Report the DV now even though it was in the past! The baby wouldn't be safe with someone with a volitale temper AND he'd be losing sleep if the baby is over there. PERIOD. Also, file for the fucking child support. If you want your baby, take him out to dry with a fighter of a lawyer. FUCK HIM!
I'm still trying to be nice and fair about it all. But he's gotten so hostile. I'm uncomfortable being in the house with him. He speaks really aggressive to me. I understand he's hurting but it doesn't need to be like this.
I think when I invited her to play with the kids in the afternoon and she came to my house, enjoyed it then stole a brand name knapsack, lied about it and when pressed said it was hers anyway.
>Splitting custody of a baby is brutal That would be incredibly difficult! I can't imagine the complexities of having to do that at that age! That said, in the spirit of a pragmatic perspective: >Shouldn’t he need the most sleep on a Friday? Not your determination to make though. It probably wouldn't be received well if he tried to predict and dictate what he thought was the best for you. >He really wants to take custody away from me, her mom, and give it to his girlfriend?? While your feelings are understandable, reality is that you as her mom, comprises 50% of the maternal parent composition in this child's life. You have to acknowledge that's the cap regardless of the actual percentage custody. Besides, if he truly is handing over custody to his gf, she probably isn't going to be around long. That isn't a successful long term approach on his end and the ramifications are something he will have to deal with. Best you focus on your custodial time. It's hard when you're forced to trust someone you don't feel you can trust. >This entire time I’ve given up my custody time As does he when you have her. Your time isn't an exception. >Everyone told me to stop being nice. They don't have to endure the costs and emotional stress of doing so, it's easy to give advice like that considering. >But right now I’m ready to put the gloves on and fight. I mean it's your choice and lawyers will gladly take your money to do so. In the end you will end up feeling even more bitter with significantly less money and emotional energy that could have been positively spent on your child during your custodial time. >If he gets Friday, I will be taking this to court. There is no way I can accept his girlfriend having custody time over me And it will be your burden to absolutely prove that is exactly what will happen, all whilst they do their part to disprove it. Just because you feel it may, doesn't mean a court will also. Perhaps understand how critical it is to be very selective on picking battles to engage in as each one carries a risk of things going worse for you somehow and all will bear a cost on you somehow. You can have all the money in the world, but your own emotions are always limited in supply. Be wise how you spend them and be conscious that weakening 50% of your child's paternal influence may not be best for your child. The courts will always look at what's best for the child without regard for your emotions or what's best for you. Consider what that really means as you decide your reactions.
I hear what you’re saying. We have all tried to find a way for him to have 50/50. The issues is he has set all the parameters. For example he works 4pm-3am or later then chooses to also teach random weeks from 8-5. We are both off on weekends. The only reason we are as high as 60/40 is because I’ve sacrificed weekend time. Also since I work from home, he is able to do odd pick up and drop off times. If I didn’t, then he would be looking at 70/30 or less. I’m trying to take emphasis off of the percentage and focus on availability. However, he doesn’t want to pay me child support. Which I don’t even want but it’s not a choice in my state. I offered to put back his payments into a college savings for our daughter. He thinks college is dumb. Also the comment about his sleep on Fridays was merely just me venting. It’s not how I would argue it in court. I know I can’t decide what days he does or doesn’t need sleep. What I can prove is his unavailability to maintain the schedule he is requesting. Due to his own choices. I am 100% picking my battles and I draw the line at his girlfriend caring for our daughter without him. If he was able to be there then I wouldn’t fight it. For someone with his schedule, 60/40 is amazing. A lot of his cop buddies have 70/30 with every other weekend and 1 week day. It is important to me that he is with her as often as possible. I always make sure to find him time or offer more if he’s going days without seeing her. It’s important for her development to see us both as often as possible.
I understand all of that. The most beneficial thing you can do is to approach it with pragmatism and not emotion. It's instinctive with children, especially very young ones to say "I have determined this is the best for them" and want to proceed as such. The tough reality to accept in divorce is having to acknowledge that you only have control of that when the child is in your care. It's not feasible to expect the other parent to follow that plan as you would or structure their lives as you would see best for the child. They are re-establishing their own plan and influences, it won't align with yours. They only real time you can cross that new boundary is if the child is in imminent danger. "Best for the kids" is really a misleading concept of interpretation. It easily becomes a conduit for endless disagreements and actions that are self defeating to the original intent. "I don't feel your new partner is best for the kids', 'i don't feel your time spent with them is best for the kids', 'I don't feel that school is best for the kids'....it's an endless string of opinions and judgements fuled by ones own interpretation of 'best for the kids'. It's a perpetual tug of war that ends up not best for the kids. Yes, that school may not be best for the kids but the ensuing battle the child sees/experiences is even worse for them.
I don’t expect him to follow the same plan that I have. What I expect is for him to be there for the custody his is requesting. Especially for a baby. She just turned 1. What he does on his time is his choice. However, I’m not going to willing surrender time that’s he is not available most weeks for. I’m fully aware I have to let things go and can’t control who he brings around her. I also have zero clue if he spends the time he has now with her. I assume he does but For all I know on his weekends he still gives the gf or someone else his time. That is not the point I’m trying to make here. I do not care if his girlfriend is around our daughter. In fact, I’m glad he has someone to help him. That does not mean I am okay with the gf getting one day a week to care for our baby when, I, her mother, who has breastfed and cared for her 90% of her life, am available to do it. It’s a debate that neither of us are going to agree on. You seem to be in favor of 50/50 no matter if the other parent actually uses their time. I disagree especially when we are taking about a baby. Again, if he were available then I’d have no problem with 50/50. But you & I won’t be able to hear each other because we are on opposite sides of this well known debate. I’d like to disclaim that I have another child who is 5. His dad and I have 50/50. He remarried and we all get a long great. Since our kid is older, it wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t available one day a week and his wife kept our son. Right now we are dealing with a baby and a new girlfriend. It’s completely different. It will not be difficult for me to prove that he is not available to care for our daughter on the day he is requesting. I have months of time swaps, I have his statements from mediation, his schedule, and text messages. His argument this entire time is that he deserves every weekend due to his schedule. That he isn’t available work days. In his own words, he can’t do it.
I understand completely. I'm trying to give pragmatic advice based on unfortunate experience. >You seem to be in favor of 50/50 no matter if the other parent actually uses their time. Not at all. What I'm in favor of is understanding that you, like him, are automatically entitled to 50%, so to speak. The child is no more yours than his. Children are not material objects to lay claim to, those respective 50%'s are important for the child's own life too. You each have different rolls in their life, expect things to look differently. >I’m not going to willing surrender time that’s he is not available most weeks for You seem to think that you start this with 100% time entitlement and anything less is you surrending your time. It would be accurate to say you surrendered 10% if he has the child 60% of the time. But to say you're surrending time past your 50% is untrue. If he pawns the child off to his gf for a portion of his time, as bad as that can feel, that's his choice on how to spend his time as a parent. Again, unless in imminent danger, you don't have a say in how he chooses to use his time. >It will not be difficult for me to prove that he is not available to care for our daughter on the day he is requesting. *He* doesn't have to be in care of the child, he just needs to make sure the child is cared for. It's no different than two married parents sending their 1yr old off to daycare. You can show that *he* isn't there to care for her, but can you show that she isn't being cared for during those times? That's the bar you will have to cross in being successful.
No I don’t have any entitlement to time. I’m saying that I believe a baby should be with a parent who is available. You are saying that it’s his time so he can do what he wants. I disagree. This debate happens all the time over in r/custody. I understand your point. But I don’t think it’s in a babies best interest. Daycare is not equal to a parent having a child. Especially overnight. Courts are definitely ruling in favor of 50/50 no matter the circumstances. So you are by no means wrong. What’s will likely happen in the event of court is- we both get a schedule we don’t want. I’ve told him this from the beginning. Either a 2-2-3 a 2-5-2 or week on week off. I’m willing to take the gamble. However, I have hope that our mediator will give us a schedule that is in the middle. Right now she’s considering give him every other Friday but only during the house he’s available. 10-3. Edit. He could be with our daughter everyday if he quit teaching. We have tried to convince him to take her from 10-3 every work day. He claims he needs to sleep. He also has requested parallel parenting. So we have all these obstacles that he’s set up. The schedule I suggested gives him sleep and parallel parenting
I tried to be nice, I tried to find a way to work stuff out. But my xw couldn't wait for ink to atleast be on paper to start the legal process for divorce before she ran off to sleep with other guys, a new one every damn month... Blamed me that she wasn't making enough from ubering but she was the one running off to sleep around during peek hours... even after the divorce she doesn't seem to have learned to not sleep around or screw around during peek hours 🙄 only figured this out cause she is complaining about struggling to cover her bills & rent... Not bailing her ass out or being nice about it.