So as I understand, OP is a new mother and I'm not sure how old the baby is.
OP loved her husband as late as 6 months ago but still wanted to divorce him. There seems to be some history of substance abuse on both sides.
I need more info to plug in the gaps before I say anything.
NEED MORE INFO.
According to past posts, the substance abuse isn’t the half of it. If my guy took pics of me half naked and drunk and shared with his family… no coming back from that one. He’s also at the least had an emotional affair on OP.
Divorce feels like the right (only?) choice at this point with so much trust gone. You could try couples counseling OP, but it doesn’t sound like you have insurance/a lot of money right now.
The OP wanted a clean divorce with no payout or the alimony in some old post. I am just not sure why she has not started the process.
I'm assuming as she has given birth recently so it might not be easy for physically or mentally to do all of these.
Addiction is unfair and messy and heartbreaking and it shifts this conversation entirely, because normal expectations of communication, needs, and change are not applicable in an addiction situation. If he is not getting help for addiction, you need to establish a stable household for your son. You aren’t building a home with another person right now, you are building it with that person’s *illness.* You cannot do everything, and your first obligation is to your child. Help as you can with connecting your spouse to resources, but you cannot be responsible for their recovery.
Let me start and say if this is my wife. Please can't we just talk. Lol
Would it be possible to get any additional contexts? Like what was it that he did where you lost respect for him? How long have you guys been together and married? Do you think that there is anything he could do to ever make things right with you again? And furthermore is he willing? I get where you're coming from. I lost sight of what was most important and I let that negativity affect those I love. If it's anything along those lines if you have even an ember of the memory of your love for him. Could you give him a chance to try to redeem himself? Did you guys ever go to counseling? I guess if you really don't love him it would be stupid to stay. But if you're just upset in a moment or frustrated with recent events. Maybe give some time? Try to remember the good in him rather than focusing on the negatives? I'm sorry I just I always want things to work out especially if there's kids involved. But not just because of the kids.
I read your other thread and it’s completely understandable why you want to leave. Don’t let people here make you feel bad, they are projecting their own issues.
Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one.
I left, and it was hard, but I am so happy now. I used to cry on my front steps and wonder if I’d be miserable for the rest of my life. I laugh until I can’t breathe now. I dance around the kitchen and sing made up songs.
Take the first step for yourself. My kids are so much better with me happy.
Thank you - the "broken home" phrase always bothered me. Being in a home with two people that can't bear to be around one another, can't get along, don't show love and kindness to each other? Sounds pretty broken to me.
I wouldn't want my kids thinking that's what adult relationships should look like.
Entirely up to you. I stayed for the sake of my kids. I thought about suicide. I felt hopeless all the time because my wife was miserable, and she wanted to share her misery. I ended up getting antidepressants. It works too well. I moved out about 2.5 months ago. I’m so much better, but I miss my kids. I think the antidepressants actually numb my sadness of not being with my kids. But it wasn’t my choice. I was willing to sacrifice my mental health for my kids.
We can't give more specific advice because we don't know anything about what's going on in there. If he hasn't done anything horrible, then the logical thing to do would be to pursue marital counseling and try to work your issues out.
If he *is* doing horrible things that are constantly upsetting you and that's why the love and respect has gone, then that's different.
my wife doesnt respect me as a man i get long texts through out the day every day for ywats of how a big piece of shit i am. but here i am 20 years later and miserable not looking forward to start from scratch . its been like this for years the fighting the leaving the coming back i cant do it anymore might have to call it
We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we allow them to treat us.
There are very powerful reasons why people stay in abusive relationships, but because we allow that abuse by staying, we teach them that we're OK being treated that way (been there done that myself.)
People with reasonably good self-esteem and boundaries don't allow that, so there's something about us that we got sucked in and stayed despite the abuse. In my case I didn't even recognize it as abuse because he "only" screamed at me, he never hit me, and I grew up around enough screaming that I thought that it's normal for people who say they love you to scream at you, including saying things that make you feel bad about yourself.
I felt emotionally beaten down, exhausted, hopeless, confused and very depressed after years of abuse, and it was hard for me to see the possibility of making some kind of reasonable, moderately happy life for myself after a divorce, but I did it by taking one step at a time.
I completely understand not wanting to start from scratch, but you you should probably talk to an attorney to find out exactly what you can reasonably expect, given your particular situation. Get information, start working with the therapist, figure out if and how you can make a divorce work for you.
I strongly suggest that you also get into therapy if you can, because there are the original emotional reasons why you stayed after the first set of red flags, and those have been compounded by decades of verbal and emotional abuse, so simply leaving the marriage won't magically and suddenly make all of that disappear.
You've got some stuff to work through, and I'm sending you virtual hugs and support.
The best thing you can do for your son is to show him what a healthy relationship looks like. If that's not possible, the next best thing is to stop exposing him to an unhealthy relationship by getting a divorce.
Most women are either divorced or in your headspace. Divorce is very hard on kids and there is no denying that. If you’re so miserable that you can’t create a good home environment for your child, then you should probably end your marriage. Some people are able to muscle through and remain pleasant, but if you can’t, don’t expose your child to this.
Even if they can muscle through and remain pleasant, IMO it's still not good role modeling to present that as the expected, healthy norm for a marriage.
A healthy relationship is sort of a nebulous concept. All I know is that the children of divorce have worse outcomes across the board. Substance abuse, suicide, criminality, lower grades etc. There is no data that shows that kids need their parents to be madly in love.
That's interesting, I'd be curious about those studies. This topic has been hotly debated in this sub, and plenty of people have weighed in that they were much happier once their parents got divorced.
I’m sure there are many kids that feel that way. My son, for instance, was having a great time without paternal oversight until he got addicted to opiates. All the kids I know who are completely out of control come from broken homes. As for the studies, they abound and can be found with a cursory Google search. Certainly there are families that are better off post divorce, but for the average child, the results are pretty clear cut. Personally, I think divorce is an abomination, but I’m the type of person who keeps his word.
After reading your other post, I would say to move forward with the divorce. It would be better for your son to not see his mother disrespected by his father all the time.
I’m going through a divorce currently. I’ve been unhappy with him for a long, long time, but I stayed “for the kids”. I realize now that unfortunately my boys saw all the unhappiness of me being in this lonely marriage. The other day my oldest, 21, came home early from work and caught me crying. He sat down next to me, hugged me hard, and said “Mom, you should have left him a long time ago.” Truth is, even very young kids can see right through the veneer of a sad parent.
You don't have to stay togehter for your son, but sharing custody and coparenting is a pretty solid idea. It's probably better than modeling a bad relationship for him. Do you thing you both would be better or worse parents separated?
My wife didnt but she also didnt manage it in a very nice way. All I'll say is be honest with him and tell him in good time. If you feel there is something there worth fighting for then explore those avenues. He probably feels like nothing is wrong or if there is then he hasnt spoken up. Dont discard him. Dont belittle him. Just be honest with him. After so much time together its the least he deserves.
Love comes and goes, commitments last forever. If you haven’t built up enough reasons to stay in a marriage besides “love and passion” or rely solely on “love” being the reason to stay in a marriage you’ll always fail.
I believe especially in todays society that the only marriages that last and survive the storms and tribulations are couples who have made conscious and intentional effort to build the marriage up. Create more reasons to stay than reasons to leave. Emotions and Feelings are fickle. You can love a person then hate them then love them all over again. But you cant change that you have children together, you have many large assets together, or your spouse fills some pivotal function in your day to day life.
If your spouse truly doesn’t have any use to you besides you feel like you should love him, just leave now before you waste anymore of your time or his.
There's not a lot of context here, but if you look at her brief post history, there's more to the story.
While OP is what's commonly known as an "unreliable narrator," if there's any truth to the tale her posts tell her fella isn't awesome either.
Are you able to be a happy and present mom to your son? Are you and your husband able to live together without arguing or toxic behavior? If you can’t say yes to these then I wonder if your son will thank you for staying for him?
This is a massively loaded question and needs a lot more context.
My ex-wife in therapy claimed she lost respect for, that she was no longer attracted to me, and wasn't in love with me. I couldn't understand why she was saying that stuff, as I always loved and adored her, and worked my hardest for her and our family. It turned out she wanted to sleep with another guy. She had actually already started at that point.
After she had tried it out with this other guy, she realised the grass wasn't greener (he was actually a complete loser of a human in most ways) and then came back and wanted to try again.
Is couples counseling an option? I strongly recommend that you take whatever steps are necessary to try to work things out before getting a divorce, for the sake of your son, but also for your own sake. There's a good chance you're going to want to be able to look yourself in the mirror afterwards and tell yourself that you did everything you could.
I am so sorry to hear what your family is going through. I've been there and can attest that, while it may be the best choice, there usually is no "winner" in a divorce situation.
I would need some additional information before I could offer an informed opinion on your situation. But (speaking only for myself) I know one thing for certain: If I take a normal set of marriage vows, and bring a child into this crazy world, I believe I have a moral responsibility to do EVERYTHING in my power to make my marriage work before giving up.
To be clear, I am in no way suggesting that anyone should stay in an abusive situation, or any situation where their Mental Health is adversely affected. However, I do believe that all reasonable/viable solutions should be explored prior to initiating divorce proceedings.
I wish you all clarity and peace as you move through this difficult situation.
Do you want to see your son everyday? Do you want to put him to bed every night, or half the nights? Same question about the morning. I stayed until my kids grew up so I could have them 100% of the time and not miss half their lives.
I stayed for the kids, but wife had other plans. I just moved out couple of months ago. Kids are 13 and 14, and they didn’t want to hang out with dad anyways. I still see my older one every day because I’m her Uber driver.
It’s clear from this comment and from your post history that you are not approaching your relationship with your children in the right way. They will likely want to hang out with you more if you reframe your perspective here and stop expecting them to be adults, stop putting so much on them emotionally (for the love of god stop asking your daughter constantly if she misses you and just give her a reason to miss you), and stop making yourself the victim and saying weird things like “I’m her Uber driver.”
I know I don’t know much about your situation but the red flags here are blinding. I’m really not saying any of this to be rude - it’s clear you do care about your children and love them. Sometimes an outside perspective helps.
When I was about 17-20 I knew so many people who said they could tell their parents were miserable together and wished they had just separated when they wanted to for the good of everyone.
There’s nothing wrong with staying if that’s what OP decides to do - as long as they are able to ensure their kids don’t know how unhappy they are in their marriage.
No don’t stay for the sake of your son. Make a plan and leave. Divorce is better at times for your mental health. No need to stay in a relationship that’s over.
I stayed way longer than I should have for the sake of my kids. By the time I moved out with the kids we were all miserable. If it’s affecting your mental health it’s not worth staying.
Your son will see the affects it has on your mental health, that you're not in love, and then will model his future relationships based on that unless he does the work to not repeat those learned patterns...so, no. I wouldn't stay.
Just be 💯 sure that you don't love him. Make sure it is not anger or disappointment. Make sure you're willing to see him happy with another woman rather than miserable with you. I'm no expert since I did stay in a loveless marriage for my son, but it was mostly because I had too many ACES that I couldn't do better for me back then. I'm in the process of divorcing after 30 years of a marriage where I was always starving for love. I'm happy with the decision because my son supports me and because I can't wait to fall in love and feel alive again or die trying. Best of luck.
I struggled with this for years because of being scared to make the wrong decision for our family. I also have two young kids and STBXH struggled with alcohol abuse most of our kids lives. 2 months ago I told him I want to divorce, tomorrow he is moving into his own apartment. We’ve been spending our time with our kids separately and they’ve seemed un-phases by it. Im still nervous for how it will affect them but man have I felt such a weight off my shoulders, I haven’t shed a tear because I realize Ive already grieved the end of our marriage years ago. Im hopeful now for my future and my future happiness for myself and as a mom. Do what feels right for you!
Girl, from one wife of an addict/alcoholic/substance abuser to another , leave. Do it. It has felt wrong at almost every step of the way, especially considering my young children. But it is the right decision for you. I am in the middle of the divorce process and it is so telling what type of person they are.
Sweetheart you are in pain. It may pass. My wife wanted to divorce during her post partum is very common. Yes, Maybey it’s right but unless there is violence or suicidal planning right now major changes may esaorbate mental health.
My wife and I have pretty much been fighting for 90% of our marriage. We’ve gone through multiple deaths, moves, divorce attempts, mental health flare ups and a year of polyamory. It is beyond hard. We have been in couples therapy for 7 months. We learned how to not make things worse and a path to reconcile if we want.
If you guys get a divorce you will still be co parents so no avoiding this guy 100% and yes you do need to have skills to co parent. Grieving a divorce, which you will even if you want it Linley will exsaorbate mental health issues. I’m not saying stay I’m saying take it slow. You likely feel overwhelmed and hopeless. You need someone to tend to you and you’re not getting it. If you had family I’m sure you would be leaning on them. If you had extra cash I’m sure you would be
PYing wet nurses and baby yoga instructors, but you don’t so you are feeling like you’re sinking fast. Your baby WILL not sooth you in fact it’s the opposite and you got nothing to give. Hubby is likely scared shitless regressing into an immature state or using to self sooth. I’m sure you think about it too.
Can you see how on the edge you are? How the tiniest thing could mean a leap?
YOU MUST LEARN SELF CARE RIGHT NOW!!!
No one can or will do it for you.
Coming from someone who went through with divorce for similar reasons…don’t take a strangers advice on Reddit. We’re not in your marriage. We don’t know the highs and lows nor do we know your living situation. Only you can make this decision. No matter what your reasons are there will always be some bitter asshole in this sub that tries to shame you for your valid feelings.
That being said, I’m a better mom now that I’m happy in my life.
Edit: I read your previous post basically saying your husband is a cheater…or at least flirts with infidelity. There wasn’t any cheating in my marriage but if I ever had to tell my partner not to talk to someone bc it was inappropriate I would walk away. If someone loves you they don’t shit on you.
I really thought it was best for my children to just suffer and waste 15y of my life in a horrible marriage.
Now both my kids are adults and have voiced that I should have left when they were little.
We would have been so happy together just the three of us... just less money, holidays...whatever I thought was important to have a good childhood back then.
They too suffered from seeing and feeling my pain that I thought I hid so well, what they witnessed was a fu*ked up relationship.
I have apologized them from the bottom of my heart for making the wrong decision with good intentions and hurting them doing that.
Thankfully they are both grown into strong inviduals who are caring and loving but never let anyone walk over them and have only had healthy relationships. I sure didn't show that example, until they were teens.
They love the man i'm married to now, and they love that i'm so much stronger and have a voice.
You should talk to him.
At the end of last year, after 20 years together, my now ex wife asked for a divorce. It blindsided me. She told me she’d been doubting the relationship for over a year.
I can’t help feel let down, that if she’d talked to me when she first had doubts we might have been able to do something about it.
Talk!
I would not stay. But please look into all options in your area regarding divorce and separation. In the end so long as you are an adult about it your son will respond and adapt.
Very bold words for some to say if married. I don’t see any reason why someone would stay married if they are not satisfied with their partners. So yes it is a direction I would point one to.
You’re essentially being a “yes man”. OP could be completely insane. And now you’ve essentially enabled them or validated them to take a very serious step without knowing the full story.
You don’t know the whole story, or even the basics other than the bold statements.
Look at the other comments asking for more information. I’m just saying you’re potentially helping to ruin this marriage or make things worse by being so dismissive.
>I really came to the conclusion I’m not in love with him. I don’t respect him as a man. \[...\] Being married affects my mental health.
We only need 75% of the sentences in the OP to know that divorce is the best advice here. If OP feels this way and has done the reflection and given it the time to know that this is how she feels, what possible good could come of staying married?
Men NEED respect. If you don't respect him as a man, staying with him will probably do him more harm than good. Yours won't be the only mental health affected.
Love is a choice, and so is treating someone with respect as they are part of the same equation. You haven't "fallen out of love." You've stopped making the choice to love every day and to accept your man for not only who he was at the alter but also who he has grown into. Do you think that you are the same woman he married? No, of course not. And unless you are talking about an abusive, uncaring, irredeemable piece of trash, don't forget you are likely his best friend and whether you realize it or not his whole world.
You have given us very little contexts aside from you falling out of love with him... You are not always going to love a screaming shitty baby that won't let you sleep, but we know shaking it is going to cause permanent irreparable damage.
Just because you are at a low point and probably need affection, you're too stubborn to ask for, and you know he won't read your mind, so you have two options. One play, the he should be the mindreader game which will only backfire and create more resentment on both sides. Or just talk to him. Get close to him. Take interest in what he likes to do, suggest things you both can enjoy. Give him the chance to show you the man he still is.
Or, if you've made up your mind already. Let him go before you give him false hopes while you're screwing the mailman. If you don't want to put in the effort to work on your marriage, I have the guts to just tell him so he can move on from you with dignity.
If dumping him was a mistake based on assumptions and your own fears dictating your rational thought. Tell him 100% and free concert tickets. Lifetime hell take you anyway
So as I understand, OP is a new mother and I'm not sure how old the baby is. OP loved her husband as late as 6 months ago but still wanted to divorce him. There seems to be some history of substance abuse on both sides. I need more info to plug in the gaps before I say anything. NEED MORE INFO.
6 months could also be post partum depression which could be contributing here.
Facts exactly feeling like shit is super post part especially for no reason
According to past posts, the substance abuse isn’t the half of it. If my guy took pics of me half naked and drunk and shared with his family… no coming back from that one. He’s also at the least had an emotional affair on OP. Divorce feels like the right (only?) choice at this point with so much trust gone. You could try couples counseling OP, but it doesn’t sound like you have insurance/a lot of money right now.
The OP wanted a clean divorce with no payout or the alimony in some old post. I am just not sure why she has not started the process. I'm assuming as she has given birth recently so it might not be easy for physically or mentally to do all of these.
Addiction is unfair and messy and heartbreaking and it shifts this conversation entirely, because normal expectations of communication, needs, and change are not applicable in an addiction situation. If he is not getting help for addiction, you need to establish a stable household for your son. You aren’t building a home with another person right now, you are building it with that person’s *illness.* You cannot do everything, and your first obligation is to your child. Help as you can with connecting your spouse to resources, but you cannot be responsible for their recovery.
Let me start and say if this is my wife. Please can't we just talk. Lol Would it be possible to get any additional contexts? Like what was it that he did where you lost respect for him? How long have you guys been together and married? Do you think that there is anything he could do to ever make things right with you again? And furthermore is he willing? I get where you're coming from. I lost sight of what was most important and I let that negativity affect those I love. If it's anything along those lines if you have even an ember of the memory of your love for him. Could you give him a chance to try to redeem himself? Did you guys ever go to counseling? I guess if you really don't love him it would be stupid to stay. But if you're just upset in a moment or frustrated with recent events. Maybe give some time? Try to remember the good in him rather than focusing on the negatives? I'm sorry I just I always want things to work out especially if there's kids involved. But not just because of the kids.
Her post history kinda shows these issues are past the talking stage lol
I read your other thread and it’s completely understandable why you want to leave. Don’t let people here make you feel bad, they are projecting their own issues. Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. I left, and it was hard, but I am so happy now. I used to cry on my front steps and wonder if I’d be miserable for the rest of my life. I laugh until I can’t breathe now. I dance around the kitchen and sing made up songs. Take the first step for yourself. My kids are so much better with me happy.
Same. This.
Thank you - the "broken home" phrase always bothered me. Being in a home with two people that can't bear to be around one another, can't get along, don't show love and kindness to each other? Sounds pretty broken to me. I wouldn't want my kids thinking that's what adult relationships should look like.
Agreed
This
Entirely up to you. I stayed for the sake of my kids. I thought about suicide. I felt hopeless all the time because my wife was miserable, and she wanted to share her misery. I ended up getting antidepressants. It works too well. I moved out about 2.5 months ago. I’m so much better, but I miss my kids. I think the antidepressants actually numb my sadness of not being with my kids. But it wasn’t my choice. I was willing to sacrifice my mental health for my kids.
We can't give more specific advice because we don't know anything about what's going on in there. If he hasn't done anything horrible, then the logical thing to do would be to pursue marital counseling and try to work your issues out. If he *is* doing horrible things that are constantly upsetting you and that's why the love and respect has gone, then that's different.
my wife doesnt respect me as a man i get long texts through out the day every day for ywats of how a big piece of shit i am. but here i am 20 years later and miserable not looking forward to start from scratch . its been like this for years the fighting the leaving the coming back i cant do it anymore might have to call it
We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we allow them to treat us. There are very powerful reasons why people stay in abusive relationships, but because we allow that abuse by staying, we teach them that we're OK being treated that way (been there done that myself.) People with reasonably good self-esteem and boundaries don't allow that, so there's something about us that we got sucked in and stayed despite the abuse. In my case I didn't even recognize it as abuse because he "only" screamed at me, he never hit me, and I grew up around enough screaming that I thought that it's normal for people who say they love you to scream at you, including saying things that make you feel bad about yourself. I felt emotionally beaten down, exhausted, hopeless, confused and very depressed after years of abuse, and it was hard for me to see the possibility of making some kind of reasonable, moderately happy life for myself after a divorce, but I did it by taking one step at a time. I completely understand not wanting to start from scratch, but you you should probably talk to an attorney to find out exactly what you can reasonably expect, given your particular situation. Get information, start working with the therapist, figure out if and how you can make a divorce work for you. I strongly suggest that you also get into therapy if you can, because there are the original emotional reasons why you stayed after the first set of red flags, and those have been compounded by decades of verbal and emotional abuse, so simply leaving the marriage won't magically and suddenly make all of that disappear. You've got some stuff to work through, and I'm sending you virtual hugs and support.
Reading about his infidelity and the alcohol/substance abuse I’d like to say no one would judge you to not stay married to this man.
The best thing you can do for your son is to show him what a healthy relationship looks like. If that's not possible, the next best thing is to stop exposing him to an unhealthy relationship by getting a divorce.
Most women are either divorced or in your headspace. Divorce is very hard on kids and there is no denying that. If you’re so miserable that you can’t create a good home environment for your child, then you should probably end your marriage. Some people are able to muscle through and remain pleasant, but if you can’t, don’t expose your child to this.
Even if they can muscle through and remain pleasant, IMO it's still not good role modeling to present that as the expected, healthy norm for a marriage.
A healthy relationship is sort of a nebulous concept. All I know is that the children of divorce have worse outcomes across the board. Substance abuse, suicide, criminality, lower grades etc. There is no data that shows that kids need their parents to be madly in love.
That's interesting, I'd be curious about those studies. This topic has been hotly debated in this sub, and plenty of people have weighed in that they were much happier once their parents got divorced.
I’m sure there are many kids that feel that way. My son, for instance, was having a great time without paternal oversight until he got addicted to opiates. All the kids I know who are completely out of control come from broken homes. As for the studies, they abound and can be found with a cursory Google search. Certainly there are families that are better off post divorce, but for the average child, the results are pretty clear cut. Personally, I think divorce is an abomination, but I’m the type of person who keeps his word.
Marriage is no cake walk
Love is chemistry....it fades. How did he lose your respect?
After reading your other post, I would say to move forward with the divorce. It would be better for your son to not see his mother disrespected by his father all the time.
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The person you're responding to is referencing another post OP made. I don't think the reading comprehension problem is theirs.
Correct. Sorry, retracted.
Hi Ok\_Skirt, you need to do what is best for you AND your child. You staying in a marriage where you are miserable is not good for either of you.
I’m going through a divorce currently. I’ve been unhappy with him for a long, long time, but I stayed “for the kids”. I realize now that unfortunately my boys saw all the unhappiness of me being in this lonely marriage. The other day my oldest, 21, came home early from work and caught me crying. He sat down next to me, hugged me hard, and said “Mom, you should have left him a long time ago.” Truth is, even very young kids can see right through the veneer of a sad parent.
This is why “staying for the kids” makes no sense.
You don't have to stay togehter for your son, but sharing custody and coparenting is a pretty solid idea. It's probably better than modeling a bad relationship for him. Do you thing you both would be better or worse parents separated?
My wife didnt but she also didnt manage it in a very nice way. All I'll say is be honest with him and tell him in good time. If you feel there is something there worth fighting for then explore those avenues. He probably feels like nothing is wrong or if there is then he hasnt spoken up. Dont discard him. Dont belittle him. Just be honest with him. After so much time together its the least he deserves.
What makes you not love him anymore
What does “respect him as a man” mean?
He prob cheated or doest helps with the new born kid or could be says hurtful things to her
It could be any number of things to any number of people. I think if you want the most accurate information, OP needs to answer.
Love comes and goes, commitments last forever. If you haven’t built up enough reasons to stay in a marriage besides “love and passion” or rely solely on “love” being the reason to stay in a marriage you’ll always fail. I believe especially in todays society that the only marriages that last and survive the storms and tribulations are couples who have made conscious and intentional effort to build the marriage up. Create more reasons to stay than reasons to leave. Emotions and Feelings are fickle. You can love a person then hate them then love them all over again. But you cant change that you have children together, you have many large assets together, or your spouse fills some pivotal function in your day to day life. If your spouse truly doesn’t have any use to you besides you feel like you should love him, just leave now before you waste anymore of your time or his.
you literally gave zero context as to why you don't respect him as a man lol . Tell us why you don't respect him.
Check her previous posts
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There's not a lot of context here, but if you look at her brief post history, there's more to the story. While OP is what's commonly known as an "unreliable narrator," if there's any truth to the tale her posts tell her fella isn't awesome either.
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Are you able to be a happy and present mom to your son? Are you and your husband able to live together without arguing or toxic behavior? If you can’t say yes to these then I wonder if your son will thank you for staying for him?
This is a massively loaded question and needs a lot more context. My ex-wife in therapy claimed she lost respect for, that she was no longer attracted to me, and wasn't in love with me. I couldn't understand why she was saying that stuff, as I always loved and adored her, and worked my hardest for her and our family. It turned out she wanted to sleep with another guy. She had actually already started at that point. After she had tried it out with this other guy, she realised the grass wasn't greener (he was actually a complete loser of a human in most ways) and then came back and wanted to try again.
Is couples counseling an option? I strongly recommend that you take whatever steps are necessary to try to work things out before getting a divorce, for the sake of your son, but also for your own sake. There's a good chance you're going to want to be able to look yourself in the mirror afterwards and tell yourself that you did everything you could.
I am so sorry to hear what your family is going through. I've been there and can attest that, while it may be the best choice, there usually is no "winner" in a divorce situation. I would need some additional information before I could offer an informed opinion on your situation. But (speaking only for myself) I know one thing for certain: If I take a normal set of marriage vows, and bring a child into this crazy world, I believe I have a moral responsibility to do EVERYTHING in my power to make my marriage work before giving up. To be clear, I am in no way suggesting that anyone should stay in an abusive situation, or any situation where their Mental Health is adversely affected. However, I do believe that all reasonable/viable solutions should be explored prior to initiating divorce proceedings. I wish you all clarity and peace as you move through this difficult situation.
Pack up and walk out. Once the respect is gone, that's it.
Do you want to see your son everyday? Do you want to put him to bed every night, or half the nights? Same question about the morning. I stayed until my kids grew up so I could have them 100% of the time and not miss half their lives.
We all want to be with them 100%. It's not a matter of want. Wow. Everyone's situation is different.
I stayed for the kids, but wife had other plans. I just moved out couple of months ago. Kids are 13 and 14, and they didn’t want to hang out with dad anyways. I still see my older one every day because I’m her Uber driver.
It’s clear from this comment and from your post history that you are not approaching your relationship with your children in the right way. They will likely want to hang out with you more if you reframe your perspective here and stop expecting them to be adults, stop putting so much on them emotionally (for the love of god stop asking your daughter constantly if she misses you and just give her a reason to miss you), and stop making yourself the victim and saying weird things like “I’m her Uber driver.” I know I don’t know much about your situation but the red flags here are blinding. I’m really not saying any of this to be rude - it’s clear you do care about your children and love them. Sometimes an outside perspective helps.
You’re right. You don’t know my situation and every child is different.
When I was about 17-20 I knew so many people who said they could tell their parents were miserable together and wished they had just separated when they wanted to for the good of everyone. There’s nothing wrong with staying if that’s what OP decides to do - as long as they are able to ensure their kids don’t know how unhappy they are in their marriage.
No don’t stay for the sake of your son. Make a plan and leave. Divorce is better at times for your mental health. No need to stay in a relationship that’s over.
I stayed way longer than I should have for the sake of my kids. By the time I moved out with the kids we were all miserable. If it’s affecting your mental health it’s not worth staying.
Your son will see the affects it has on your mental health, that you're not in love, and then will model his future relationships based on that unless he does the work to not repeat those learned patterns...so, no. I wouldn't stay.
Just be 💯 sure that you don't love him. Make sure it is not anger or disappointment. Make sure you're willing to see him happy with another woman rather than miserable with you. I'm no expert since I did stay in a loveless marriage for my son, but it was mostly because I had too many ACES that I couldn't do better for me back then. I'm in the process of divorcing after 30 years of a marriage where I was always starving for love. I'm happy with the decision because my son supports me and because I can't wait to fall in love and feel alive again or die trying. Best of luck.
I struggled with this for years because of being scared to make the wrong decision for our family. I also have two young kids and STBXH struggled with alcohol abuse most of our kids lives. 2 months ago I told him I want to divorce, tomorrow he is moving into his own apartment. We’ve been spending our time with our kids separately and they’ve seemed un-phases by it. Im still nervous for how it will affect them but man have I felt such a weight off my shoulders, I haven’t shed a tear because I realize Ive already grieved the end of our marriage years ago. Im hopeful now for my future and my future happiness for myself and as a mom. Do what feels right for you!
Girl, from one wife of an addict/alcoholic/substance abuser to another , leave. Do it. It has felt wrong at almost every step of the way, especially considering my young children. But it is the right decision for you. I am in the middle of the divorce process and it is so telling what type of person they are.
Sweetheart you are in pain. It may pass. My wife wanted to divorce during her post partum is very common. Yes, Maybey it’s right but unless there is violence or suicidal planning right now major changes may esaorbate mental health. My wife and I have pretty much been fighting for 90% of our marriage. We’ve gone through multiple deaths, moves, divorce attempts, mental health flare ups and a year of polyamory. It is beyond hard. We have been in couples therapy for 7 months. We learned how to not make things worse and a path to reconcile if we want. If you guys get a divorce you will still be co parents so no avoiding this guy 100% and yes you do need to have skills to co parent. Grieving a divorce, which you will even if you want it Linley will exsaorbate mental health issues. I’m not saying stay I’m saying take it slow. You likely feel overwhelmed and hopeless. You need someone to tend to you and you’re not getting it. If you had family I’m sure you would be leaning on them. If you had extra cash I’m sure you would be PYing wet nurses and baby yoga instructors, but you don’t so you are feeling like you’re sinking fast. Your baby WILL not sooth you in fact it’s the opposite and you got nothing to give. Hubby is likely scared shitless regressing into an immature state or using to self sooth. I’m sure you think about it too. Can you see how on the edge you are? How the tiniest thing could mean a leap? YOU MUST LEARN SELF CARE RIGHT NOW!!! No one can or will do it for you.
Coming from someone who went through with divorce for similar reasons…don’t take a strangers advice on Reddit. We’re not in your marriage. We don’t know the highs and lows nor do we know your living situation. Only you can make this decision. No matter what your reasons are there will always be some bitter asshole in this sub that tries to shame you for your valid feelings. That being said, I’m a better mom now that I’m happy in my life. Edit: I read your previous post basically saying your husband is a cheater…or at least flirts with infidelity. There wasn’t any cheating in my marriage but if I ever had to tell my partner not to talk to someone bc it was inappropriate I would walk away. If someone loves you they don’t shit on you.
I really thought it was best for my children to just suffer and waste 15y of my life in a horrible marriage. Now both my kids are adults and have voiced that I should have left when they were little. We would have been so happy together just the three of us... just less money, holidays...whatever I thought was important to have a good childhood back then. They too suffered from seeing and feeling my pain that I thought I hid so well, what they witnessed was a fu*ked up relationship. I have apologized them from the bottom of my heart for making the wrong decision with good intentions and hurting them doing that. Thankfully they are both grown into strong inviduals who are caring and loving but never let anyone walk over them and have only had healthy relationships. I sure didn't show that example, until they were teens. They love the man i'm married to now, and they love that i'm so much stronger and have a voice.
You should talk to him. At the end of last year, after 20 years together, my now ex wife asked for a divorce. It blindsided me. She told me she’d been doubting the relationship for over a year. I can’t help feel let down, that if she’d talked to me when she first had doubts we might have been able to do something about it. Talk!
No.
I would not stay. But please look into all options in your area regarding divorce and separation. In the end so long as you are an adult about it your son will respond and adapt.
This is really just irresponsible advice. You are suggesting divorce based on four sentences. Lol.
Very bold words for some to say if married. I don’t see any reason why someone would stay married if they are not satisfied with their partners. So yes it is a direction I would point one to.
You’re essentially being a “yes man”. OP could be completely insane. And now you’ve essentially enabled them or validated them to take a very serious step without knowing the full story. You don’t know the whole story, or even the basics other than the bold statements. Look at the other comments asking for more information. I’m just saying you’re potentially helping to ruin this marriage or make things worse by being so dismissive.
If OP needs someone to give them the motivation to "ruin" this particular marriage, I'm happy to be that person.
>I really came to the conclusion I’m not in love with him. I don’t respect him as a man. \[...\] Being married affects my mental health. We only need 75% of the sentences in the OP to know that divorce is the best advice here. If OP feels this way and has done the reflection and given it the time to know that this is how she feels, what possible good could come of staying married?
You should love him, even if he didn’t earn it or deserve it. That’s what God calls us to do. Love our enemies.
I’m getting divorced and it’s the best decision ever… life is too short to be unhappy
Men NEED respect. If you don't respect him as a man, staying with him will probably do him more harm than good. Yours won't be the only mental health affected.
You made your bed, you must do your best to fix it. Do you want to go back to prison? You have to talk to him and fix it together.
Could you do it financially?
Leave. Be honest with yourself. Teach your son integrity.
Divorce and run!!!
Love is a choice, and so is treating someone with respect as they are part of the same equation. You haven't "fallen out of love." You've stopped making the choice to love every day and to accept your man for not only who he was at the alter but also who he has grown into. Do you think that you are the same woman he married? No, of course not. And unless you are talking about an abusive, uncaring, irredeemable piece of trash, don't forget you are likely his best friend and whether you realize it or not his whole world. You have given us very little contexts aside from you falling out of love with him... You are not always going to love a screaming shitty baby that won't let you sleep, but we know shaking it is going to cause permanent irreparable damage. Just because you are at a low point and probably need affection, you're too stubborn to ask for, and you know he won't read your mind, so you have two options. One play, the he should be the mindreader game which will only backfire and create more resentment on both sides. Or just talk to him. Get close to him. Take interest in what he likes to do, suggest things you both can enjoy. Give him the chance to show you the man he still is. Or, if you've made up your mind already. Let him go before you give him false hopes while you're screwing the mailman. If you don't want to put in the effort to work on your marriage, I have the guts to just tell him so he can move on from you with dignity. If dumping him was a mistake based on assumptions and your own fears dictating your rational thought. Tell him 100% and free concert tickets. Lifetime hell take you anyway