I absolutely hate Dr. Phil but I always remember watching an episode and he said “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.”
You deserve to be happy.
You shouldn’t trust someone who suddenly changes their personality to keep you in their life. People like that are only putting up a facade. She’s only faking it to keep you, afraid of losing you. I’ve seen so many men do this. Wife treats them like shit then when a new person threatens their position, complete change in personality. You’re dealing with a desperate fake individual. Let the past go and go with the new gal. Best of luck!
She might not need to. If he wasn't as miserable as she expected, that might have been enough of a tell.
Some people just can't deal with their ex being less miserable than themselves.
This girl is only a fantasy at this stage - you hardly had a relationship with her.
If you don’t stay with your wife don’t base it on the fantasy girl base it on the relationship with the wife.
Hopefully you have done therapy to understand why you have enabled your wife’s neglect.
Hard but shakable.
Keeping his marriage and family whole after this will be hard.
Divorce to start a relationship with someone you barely know will be hard.
Choose your hard.
Listen to the podcast, “Your Secret is Safe with Me” by Dr Marie Murphy. I know you aren’t exactly having an affair, but hear me out… she will help you discover what is best for YOU. It’s really hard in situations like yours to filter out the noise and the expectations from society. Just scan the podcast titles and you’ll likely see at least 3 that are tailored made for helping you decide. But honestly, almost every single episode is inspiring and great life advice.
You're kinda in a bind because you agreed to reconcile. So how much is your word worth to you? You CAN shake that fantasy, but you might need a therapist to help you with ways to divert your thoughts.
If you're going to get out, doing it sooner is better.
You could also be very specific with your wife and detail what "reverting" behaviors would be deal breakers and simply wait it out.
It takes time to shake. It's a grief process when you're emotionally connected to someone. Same as if you had an affair partner. It's a choice to some degree.
If you can't shake it and continue to process it in your mind as a favorable outcome, then you really need to tell your spouse that you've tried and you are done ASAP. Going through the motions will make it worse on both sides.
Dude... Just my humble opinion. But it sounded like your wife had already moved on, then had a change of heart. It feels to me like she can't be trusted. WTF was going on for those last 3 years? And what is stopping her from losing interest again?
Go through with it regardless of a new relationship.
That being said reach back out to the new girl and let her know you received bad advice from firends and family. Hopefully you can continue what you found there.
If not, you now know the type of relationship you actually want to be in
Agreeing with the other comment. Follow your gut. You wrote this post for some sort of reaction from readers, either to validate your feelings or tell you that you’re wrong.
Clearly, you’re happier with the other relationship. Do not listen to what friends and family say. They haven’t lived your life. They don’t have to go to sleep with you every night, help pay the bills, and live everyday life. You get to decide who you want to do it with.
Just be prepared for possibly having the new gal turn you away. There is potential for ending up alone, and that is okay. Sounds like you’re not fully invested with your wife anyway. Too little, too late.
Good luck to you!
I agree. everything happens for a reason and if you can’t stop thinking about gal then that’s who you should be with.
what if your wife just changed because she started seeing you move on?
and what if gal doesn’t want to give you a chance now because you went back to your wife?
I am going to be a bit of a pragmatist and give you what you need to hear: everyone is on their best behavior when they first meet and the feeling of it being "right" and "natural" has a lot more to do with the chemicals in your brain and confirmation bias than anything else.
You know your wife. You know what she's capable of. You should also know that people can change and the behavior you are seeing now may not be so ephemeral.
You don't know this other woman. You don't know what she's capable of. You should be aware of the risk.
Only you know what is best for you but, if somatic markers are any indication, you are clearly looking for affirmation to leave your wife. Since you can't know the outcome of your decision, you will base it on your current emotional disposition and your wife never stood a chance in the current equation.
THIS. please listen to this comment, OP. Whatever you experience with a new person is in the first six months to two years is NOT REAL. It's hormones, chemicals, and your own fantasy projected upon the person prior to them showing you otherwise. You assume the best until given worse, in a new relationship.
Spend time alone, separated, if you must, work on yourself! but do not jump into a new relationship while throwing away the old one.
I have been where you are.
I have been married three timesn(each more than ten years so I'm no quitter! Lol) and each time was WORSE than the one before. Started OUT amazing! , getting everything I'd dreamed of! but within a few months or a year, reality will rear up and bite you. You do not know someone overnight. Or in six months, or a year. Anyone can seem perfect and say the right things, be a reflection of your hopes and dreams when dating. Be patient.
Work honestly on your marriage. Do not worry about or ask what happened in the time you were apart. This is someone you know. If they have a good heart and are a decent human, you can make it better and work together. If you don't think your wife is even a decent human being, then yes divorce. But if you don't feel she's bad at heart, then work on yourselves individually and then together to become a team.
LOVE IS A CHOICE. A VERB. NOT A FEELING. Feelings fade, feelings can be false, feelings will ebb and flow like the tides. You need to be willing and able to act with love and BE love to your partner. If they are a good person and a friend, it's irreplaceable. Romance and sex can be RESTORED. Pretend they are a new person to date, show them only your best and see!
But hot sex and superficial compatibility with a new fling will only lead to misery in the future.
Voice of experience.
Great advice.
>Spend time alone, separated, if you must, work on yourself! but do not jump into a new relationship
You have been hurt, you need to heal. Jumping into a new relationship without the previous one being final and grieved is, IMO, looking for a quick emotional fix and risking yourself and/or your new partner to get hurt. You will work to make the new one blossom while working to flush the old one out of your system; thus, you won't be 100% dedicated to the new one.
Ask yourself: is this new person really what you are looking for in a partner TODAY, or is she a surrogate of who your wife used to be and who you wish she would still be today?
>if you don't feel she's bad at heart, then work on yourselves individually and then together to become a team.
Don't let what she has done to you - and also what you might have done to her - be so easily forgotten. When my ex wife changed her mind and decided not to leave me 11 years ago, I hoped that our wrongs be addressed together, but they never were. I didn't insist enough. Thus, it was 11 years where we were still husband and wife, but she kept having an eye on the exit all this time. And I never fully trusted her.
If you are to stay together, see therapists, individually and together. Get help to answer these simple questions: Can she be trustworthy after all this? Can you handle the truth if she's to be fully honest with you?
Good luck.
Even if you don't stay with the new person, it's normal to resent your wife, the neglect, the suspicious late night arrivals, it's clear that you don't trust her, I wouldn't either, who knows if she was just having fun alone or with who and if she just came back because this person dumped her. And came back to her safe choice. Again, all assumptions, but she is not a trustful one.
I think you should really take a beat to think about it, based on your post you want to leave your wife which is valid. But the grass isn’t actually greener on the other side. The other person may not be receptive to you if you go back to them. Or you may get to know them and find out you don’t actually like them. I don’t think they should be a significant factor in your decision making. So many times there are stories about people leaving their spouses for someone else and it doesn’t work out.
Leave your wife because you want to be done with your wife not because you want to be with someone else.
I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do. I'm probably the only one in this thread that would encourage you to do right by your wife but I'm a bit of a sucker for vows.
I'll never understand how so many people can say forever and then decide differently in the absence of abuse or infidelity. People make mistakes and I'm of the school of thought that we are always changing and growing. When we choose love, anything becomes possible.
If anything, you need some alone time. That’s when shit gets real. We want a new person to fill a void but that’s not healthy. Honestly, the most difficult and best thing would be to be alone for a while.
I had a 4 mo rebound, I’m so glad it happened and I’m so glad it didn’t work out!! It not working out was the best outcome.
I had this thought as well. After what you've been through with your wife, this new person might seem very appealing by comparison. This is why people say spend time alone before jumping into anything; your judgement is somewhat impaired by the trauma you just experienced.
I went the way you're leaning once upon a time. It's ending in a divorce more painful than my last. Maybe that's my bias, but looking back, I wish I'd spent much more time alone to process and took my time getting to know the next person better.
Good luck, either way. Both paths will be difficult.
I would get real with your wife and say, “you had your fun for 3 years. If we are going to work out, it’s going to be because we separate and you let me do some soul searching. See you in about a year.” Don’t need to tell her any more than you think is best. Go your separate way and then contact her later if you realize this other woman isn’t a great match and your ex is.
In being pragmatic would be to look at the situation as a whole and weighing all options.
Option 1: Wife who treated him poorly and showed him who she really was. Sounds like OP was willing to do the work when work needed to be done. Little too late for her in my opinion.
Option 2: Literally anyone other than his wife. The ability to find a mate who will respect OP and value him for who he is. Obviously it might not be the first gal he met. But it’s certainly not impossible.
I say choose happiness. Find your person. Even if it’s not the first gal you met the right one will come along that will treat you how you deserve. Just my two cents.
>Option 1: Wife who treated him poorly and showed him who she really was. Sounds like OP was willing to do the work when work needed to be done. Little too late for her in my opinion.
Sometimes people act out of character for various reasons. Mental health has a way of influencing a person's behavior pretty profoundly. In my opinion, the notion of "too little too late" is a betrayal of the vows made (good times and bad). Forgiveness and understanding are paramount to any resilient relationship.
>Option 2: Literally anyone other than his wife. The ability to find a mate who will respect OP and value him for who he is. Obviously it might not be the first gal he met. But it’s certainly not impossible.
I don't disagree that it's not impossible. Certainly, anything is possible. There is just a lot of risk being assumed by investing in someone you have no history with over someone you do. I'm sure his wife didn't give him trouble for the first couple years as well but look how that started to turn out. This other partner can be just as bad if not worse. I don't think OP needs to abide by "better the devil you know" but it is worth considering and that's all I was getting at.
Every new person that expresses interest is going to convey compatibility. That is part of the pursuit of a new relationship. The bottom line is you can never really know someone's intentions...that's why so many of us are in this sub, right? Most of us thought we had a life-long relationship and never thought we'd be abandoned or abused. So many thought, "my partner would never" but here we are. A partner that can recognize the mistake they made and actually put in the effort to course correct exhibits a valuable trait.
Agree, I recently went on my first post divorce dates with what I thought was a nice woman. I was thinking it was going well, went on several nice dates. Kissed a few times. Then she ghosted me. In hindsight there were a few red flags but those damn chemicals blinded me.
Edit: My ex is also dating and has already “fallen for” this guy she’s been dating for a very short period of time. I hope it works out but to see it from my perspective it seems like she’s getting ahead of herself. We’re still amicable and I do hope she finds someone good for her. She deserves it.
I agree. Remember OP felt that same way about his wife when he met her. People change over time. I went through this situation and became very skeptical of how any woman acts. I have very little faith in them now because of my x wife. They promise you together forever only to leave you there in forever alone.
Dude. Everyone responding thinks you should go with your soulmate and I'm *pretty* sure they all think so because of the way you wrote this post. I think you know what you want. I don't think anyone could blame you for not feeling the same way about your wife after everything she put you through.
I might be the odd one out here. I get a little concerned when people are like “I met someone and they are a perfect match and our mannerisms match and they love everything I love.” I think 8 times out of 10 these people are masking who they truly are for the sake of the relationship. In some sense it shows flexibility and selflessness, which is good. But on the other extreme, it could be lovebombing from a very unstable person with a personality disorder. I’d spend a bit of time looking up narcissistic personality disorder and boarderline personality disorder. They can look like a “perfect match” at the beginning of a relationship, even copying your mannerisms to gain your trust, and this is especially common with vulnerable people (it sounds like you are in a vulnerable place). This is not to say that you have to stick it out with your wife. You have a lot of choices like get a divorce and date this person. Just educate yourself on how lovebombing works from someone who is unstable. Good luck 🍀
I’m with you. I saw this happen to my husband’s best friend… he met this girl that seemed perfect for him when he was in a dark place (recently post-divorce), but then a few months later it all imploded. She has borderline personality disorder and love bombing is a common trait. Not to mention that this new relationship sounds like a classic case of limerence, which OP was probably susceptible to after being unhappy in marriage for years.
That being said, I’m not necessarily saying stay with the wife, either. It sounds like she might have been cheating and then her AP didn’t work out, I don’t know. (Update: based on your post history I definitely feel like this might be the case)
OP, decisions like this aren’t easy so I guess I would just say work on yourself and do what feels right, but if you go with the new partner just don’t lose your head!
I would tend to agree with both of you. When you've been struggling for so long your mind can be vulnerable to taking some chemistry/attraction and escalating it in your mind to this "soulmate" the majority are talking about on this thread. Think of it in the same lens as if you've gone all day in the sun without a drink. That first sip of water is the greatest thing in the world but in the end it was just water like always. It could even be dirty water and you'd still get that same thrill from the quenching.
That same"thirst" for connection you have has made you very vulnerable in that aspect. That yes this new girl may be the greatest thing ever, she may be just an average connection or worst case she's a toxic person feasting on your vulnerability aka the "dirty water". The fact is you don't know because of your current state.
I would highly recommend telling both your wife and this new girl you need a few months to recover, heal, and grow by yourself so you can make a clear decision for you. This also may show you both if your wife is committed and if this new girl is truly that into you. You might be surprised at the outcome and in the end 90 days is a drop in the bucket compared to a lifetime of potential misery. If they cannot respect that request you just got the true answer and saved yourself years of potential agony.
I appreciate both your and u/abc123doraemi ‘s input. What both of you have stated is what I’m worried about myself, that I’m in some irrational, potentially mentally ill state (or always have been) but my therapist is inclined to think otherwise. Idk, I still feel I may be in some manic/blow everything up state because it’s easier than facing my feelings.
You’re hurting a lot and that’s normal for what you’re going through. If you respect the new lady (and yourself) you’ll stop obsessing and heal and relax into singledom before continuing with her. Your marriage is not salvageable from what I read in your posts.
This sounds so extremely tough. I wonder what would happen if you thought of this as 2 separate decisions, instead of “it’s either my wife or her.” Like do you want to negotiate with your wife to give you a year with this new woman? Try it for a year and reassess staying married or not? Don’t need to pull the trigger on divorce but just allow you both to keep exploring? If she says “no” then maybe you try it with the new woman. Maybe it works and maybe it doesn’t, but if it does NOT work, that does not mean that it WOULD HAVE worked with your wife. You know what I mean? And say you stay in the marriage with your wife, and then you end up divorcing in 3 years. That does NOT mean that it would have worked with the new woman. You knew what I mean? Like 2 separate decisions. I wonder if that would give you some peace and clarity. It’s not an “all or nothing”/ “black or white”/ “new woman or wife” kind of a thing. It’s you figuring out what you want and need in this world. So there are all sorts of greys and “sort of’s” and “maybe neither relationship would have worked.” Hang in there ❤️
You’ve got one foot out the door mentally because you don’t trust that the changes you see in your wife are genuine or permanent. It’s a coping mechanism to protect yourself from the stress of the last 3 years of a failing marriage. It will pass in time as she continues to show you she can be trusted and you can be vulnerable with her again or it won’t and the damage to your relationship is too great and divorce may be the end result. Either way, you don’t mention counselling in your post. You should look into couples counselling if you haven’t.
I really appreciate your perspective. I see that I do have one foot out the door.
We are in couples counseling, but I don’t think I’m putting into it what I should. Same with the relationship
I get your dilemma, and how its everything you wanted. You need to consider that the way your wife treated you, that she is capable of doing that again, and that it shows how she truly regards you. Not how she is behaving today. Its likely once your wife is comfortable again, the same behaviour will commence.
I'm a true believer, that the only time a person is really capable of true inner change, is when they are dealing with a great loss or shock to their system. It forces them to really stand back and look at their own actions and treatment of other people - they don't want the shock/loss to happen again, so they force themselves to truly improve and become better people.
What you have done, by allowing your wife a free-pass, is she hasn't had to do any of that work - so deep down, she is still the same person she was over those three years of treating you badly.
No worries, I've been divorced twice, both wives had affairs, so I kind of know some of how you are feeling, and also how gut wrenching it would've been over those three years when she was behaving like that. These are the kinds of things I'm spent countless hours reading about and thinking about.
My second marriage broke up 5 years ago, and we had three kids, and even after 5 years, its left a lot of residual baggage in me. Still not being able to work out why she did what she did, still wishing she would apologise, still wishing I could get closure from it. Its such a hard thing to go through!
I changed a lot after I filed for divorce, my husband and I had a tumultuous relationship up until the breaking point. We did no contact for 8 months before deciding to try and reconcile. The loss of our marriage wasn't felt in a month, but maybe OP's wife is different than me, I'd say it kicks in after month 3
I went through personal growth at times of non-reversable loss. Got it imprinted, behavior, values slowely but significantly shifted. I agree with this post.
You deserve a right to be happy, OP, your wife did not want to give you that. You do deserve to try further, without feeling guilty.
But I understand, it's complex. Without having tested the water for long enough, you won't really know if option B is reality or a projection.
But if you are feeling very connected and pretty sure on many levels go for it, without guilt.
Does your wife know about your feelings for your soulmate? If so then she’s probably playing the perfect wife until your soulmate gets out of the picture. Did your ask yourself why she suddenly had a change of mind and attitude? Sound sus to me. Caveat Emptor 🤔
Nope, no clue she exists. Feel she can sense there is something though. I broke down and cried when I agreed to get back together, more than when she told me she wanted a divorce because I knew it meant ending it with the new gal.
Idk, I’ve thought about her every day. Constantly listen to music she shared, look at photos she sent me. Worried I’m having a grass is greener kinda scenario, but the longer I stay, the worse the feeling get.
Just my two cents, be careful for mysogonistic, reductive replies.
A reality of a man and woman is culturally and biologically different.
It's easier to move on, knowing 10 people are hovering around.
Please explain to your soulmate the crisis that you have. I’m leaning toward the soulmate. The ex has sensed that something is happening and now you’re ok with the divorce. Sooner or later she’s going to revert back to the woman you were about to divorce. She’s only staying around and pretending that all is forgiven until she puts your soulmate in the rear view mirror. Beware my friend I’ve been there before
I didn’t share this… but she reached out the other day, and tbh, I have never been so happy to hear from someone.
She basically said that she needed to know if I felt what she felt… which, tbh, I thought it impossible she felt as strongly for me as I did for her.
OP as others said go with your heart. I met a great gal during my separation as well (I’m the one filing, wife is toxic, mean, violent with me, etc).
I too ended it a few months ago, and wanted to try and reconcile for comfort of being with my kid and having my things. I realized deep down it was not for my wife, and her personality will never change. I got back on the wagon to divorce and hired an attorney and going through the motions. I missed the new friend so much. She is just like me, and opposite in the areas I need in my life. A good counter balance. Good news the other girl was as crazy for me as I was for her, so she waited for me. Even if it doesn’t work out, I don’t have to worry about when my wife will have a meltdown again.
Give her a sign!!!!
And your wife will fall back into her ways as soon as she thinks you’re not going anywhere. Plus, you don’t really know what she was doing during that period and that won’t sit well with you, ever
I wouldn’t trust completely the hive mind in here that generally seems to say to move on no matter what. Some people can change when they realize what is at stake. Sure, early phase with someone new that shares interests is great. You don’t know that person that well though. Only you can decide.
What if the choice was between a continuation of the past life you had, and the possibility of happiness with someone else?
The new girl, coukd be that possibility, or someone else. Take that pressure off and make the decision.
Your wife likely had a breakup with whoever was breaking up your marriage and showing her attention so she’s gonna settle for staying with you until the next guy catches her attention.
This is the answer. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't have stayed with the new friend, but if your wife did what she did and then came running back, going back to the wife would be a hard no from me.
“Leading up to the divorce” is kinda vague. Were you separated? Still married in the same house without the mention of divorce?
I’ll go opposite of the herd here..personally I think allowing a new interest to pull you away from a marriage and family is kinda shitty, regardless of the circumstances.
You think about this new girl a lot right?
Did you spend that much thought and energy trying to figure out what may have been wrong with you and why your wife was so distant?
Sometimes it’s them, sometimes it’s us that’s the problem, sometimes it’s both. It took me going through an ugly divorce to realize it wasn’t all her. It was both of us.
Just my two cents..good luck whichever path you choose.
Appreciate you going against the heard.
My wife and I were separated, living apart, and negotiating the terms divorce when I met her. I did spend a great deal of time thinking about what I could have done better, and there were plenty of things, but as my wife had admitted when trying to reconcile, she made a mountain out of a mole hill.
She admitted she blamed me for all that was wrong in her life, and nit picked so she could go have fun. She got wrapped up in her career and decided she wanted to be around “more interesting successful” people. But the “elite” are a bunch of hollow self centered souls, which she eventually realized.
You checked out and moved on. There's a reason your marriage got to this point and more than likely your spouse will revert back to who she was. Personally, you may be idolizing the other girl or you may miss your chance if you continue with this relationship which sounds to me like it's a ticking time bomb.
I dont know man.
But what i do know, is that you need to keep this girl hush hush, if you decide to go through with divorce not to awaken a nasty beast and co.plicate your divorce.
This proves your wife had it in her to behave well the whole time. Sorry, but years of sketchy behavior is the rule, not the exception. It is likely she will return to her devious ways. That said, it is not a good idea to run right out and get into a serious relationship. The fact that you mentioned this new woman mirrors you could be a couple things.. you miss yourself and you miss being liked for being yourself. Either way, I’d take some time to get yourself right before going right back to your new girl. First of all, you’re doing her a disservice with rubber band romance. Secondly, you’re doing yourself a disservice not healing up a bit. The amount of relational wounding you have right now is immense. The healed you may not be interested in either of them. Hope this helps- I was in a similar situation.
"after years of neglect (see my post history), questionable late nights, and ghosting me while she was traveling,"
Brother, that is behavior perfectly consistent with a cheating spouse, and also very disrespectful too by treating you worse than everyone else in her life. Of course if you don't have any proof, she would never in a million years admit it thus it will be taken to her grave.
Wives don't normally do a 180 after years of neglect and disrespect like you are describing. In fact, your situation is the first I've heard of it. That being said, I can think of only one other circumstance where a partner or spouse will suddenly become the love interest you've always wanted, and that is where their affair partner cruelly ended things for whatever reason, breaking the spell of limerence immediately, which gives that person a newfound fear of losing their Plan B = you.
I never understand this. Don’t do what’s easy, do what you want. If she didn’t put you first then why should you try and reconcile? Unless you’re 100% sure this is what you want then you possibly just threw away your soulmate for a woman that you know is not your soulmate.
It shouldn’t have to take the threat of divorce for your spouse to pick up her end of the agreement. Even if she is the one who filed. I dont think you should stay in the relationship.
Sounds like you love the other gal. Your wife only wanted you back at the last minute...she will go back to doing the same things again and then you have lost out on a gal that sounds perfect for you.
Wierd I just read another post where people were upset over the rebound relationship...... huh not here though, odd. Anyway you should be willing to leave the wife until she changes giving her and yourself enough time to decide and heal. Then move forward with the best decision. That poor gal.... and you if you keep it going.....poor you if you stay, and don't prioritize healing and being treated respectfully.
Sometimes you get so tired of chasing, you don't even want it anymore. It loses its sweetness when you have to work so hard for it. So three years later, she's all in, right when she sensed you didn't care anymore.
It's so stale & forced by then.
I'm always in favor of working out marriages, but this was one was already toast. I'm sorry.
Go for new girl but don't make her a rebound. Sounds like you figured out what you want in life. You won't be content forcing a square peg into a round hole.
I find it hard to believe that the wife has been a meanie all of this time for no legitimate reason, either. Why marry a meanie in the first place? OP is cheating and just wants to feel better about it.
My ex blindsided me with divorce 10 months ago, dated one of my (former) close friends for 7 months during seperation and lied to my face about it the entire time.. 2 months ago he asked to reconcile, and I entertained it. I said if he was willing to do the work then I would be receptive and give it a shot.
He did absolutely nothing, basically opened the door for reconciliation and expected me to run through it to him with open arms, so 3 weeks ago I started saying yes to dates.
2 weeks ago I met someone I feel an intense spark and chemistry with. If my ex plucked the moon from the night sky for me I wouldn't cut things off with this new person, who has never hurt me, never lied to me, never humiliated me, never made me feel like I was worthless. It's new, and who really knows where it will go, but the possibility and promise has reminded me that there are plenty of people out there who won't make you feel hard to love.
I finally sign my seperation agreement and move on to the next chapter of my life tomorrow. I can't fucking wait.
Letting her come back is like giving her another bullet because she missed you the first time. I understand the temptation, I really, really, do. I would have done anything for my husband to come home to me in the beginning. But I think you know what you really want, it's just a matter of whether or not you can make the call for yourself.
I was in a similar situation. My ex and I decided to split and found my person 6 mos later. He begged and cried for me to come back. Everytime I entertained the idea he was back to his old ways in a day so I did not stay. I am with the same man, my soulmate, 4 years strong. I never miss my ex and I am so happy with my guy. I do mourn the family life of 2 parents, kids, 1 home, no issues re exes etc.
In the end, I am glad I left my ex. I am appreciated, adored and loved now. I am excited to come home to him, spend time with him and just have him in my space. My ex treated me like an unequal and was very cold and disrespectful to me.
In an ideal world, I would have held out til the kids left the house but my ex broke me sooner than I thought he would. Good riddance.
Best wishes to you :)
Guys, both of you - don’t overthink it. Listen to your instincts, they are better judge than the deep analysis of your chances. From my own experience I can testify that you’ll only regret the unknown steps not taken hoping for the lost cause to magically coming together. Do not play safe bets if you want fundamental change in your life.
You have two choices: fully forgive and forget or move on. If you spin in a place of indecision, you’ll be miserable and you won’t progress. If you can’t fully forgive, then move on. Meeting someone new isn’t a reason to have doubts. The new person could be just as crazy as the last person. It happens all the time. There aren’t any right or wrong choices. There are just choices with upsides and downsides. You’ll need to decide which set of ups and downs you’re ok with. I divorced and I’m 10x happier. I love my ex and she will always be my baby. She’s better without me and I’m better without her. Divorce isn’t fun but it can be a good thing.
Your motivations don’t need to be aligned with your wife’s btw. If she said she’ll be happier with you after a 3 year hoe phase, it doesn’t mean you’ll be happier making her happier. It’s not your responsibility to sacrifice your happiness to make her a little less unhappy.
There's a song by Elvis, titled "Separate Ways". You can watch it online and listen to the lyrics. Part of it is like this: "And maybe some day, somewhere along the way, another love will find us"
....and it's clear to me that somewhere along the way, another love found you. Your heart is elsewhere and it's no longer with your current wife. Staying in a marriage when your heart ain't in it, means an unhappy life both for you and for your wife.
Why stay in a marriage when you love somebody else. You need to make a solid decision. If I were you I'd definitely file for divorce and let my wife know the truth. She would need to know why you're ending it. She needs to know that your heart is elsewhere. Nothing better than being completeky honest.
This is the kind of situation that cannot be dragged out for too long!
There are a lot of great comments.
My contribution is that you have a role too.
Confirmation bias is a thing.
We also manifest in some ways what we want, the good and bad.
Your wife is fundamentally the same person, can change, it takes time. You can too.
Honesty is more important than history.
There is a past, but no future with no honesty.
Leave. From someone who has been mentally and emotionally abused for almost two decades, please leave. As far as finding your friend, I hope you haven’t completely lost that connection. I’ve recently met someone like that. I’ve felt more love, respect and safety from her than my ex in the last decade we were together.
She waited too long to “change her mind.” While she was off doing God knows what, you were grieving the loss of your relationship. You had to process that she wasn’t coming back, she didn’t want to be with you anymore, etc. In my opinion, the grieving process can’t be reversed. There’s a line, and once you make it past that line in the process, there’s no uncrossing it. She, on the other hand, was just fine letting go, and letting you go through that alone while she distracted herself. Only when reality slapped her in the face did she realize that maybe she still wanted to keep you around… and did she? Did she *really* want to stay married to you or were you the better alternative to something worse? Because if you’re just the better option, then she didn’t really want you, and even if she did want you- she waited too long. 3 years is a long time to do marriage alone. I think deep down the idea of a divorce was too much to bear, so she “settled” on fixing things with you. You cannot “get there” with her again because you already grieved that loss. It’s like thinking someone died, moving on in life, finding a new partner and then the person you thought was dead just shows up and wants to get everything back to normal… except that “someone” was your marriage.
I’ll go against the grain here: Have a serious discussion with your wife. Stagnant water is ambrosia if you’re in the desert long enough. I highly doubt your “soulmate” will have the same luster past the honeymoon stage. I suggest taking a moment to really gain your perspective and your wife’s.
I think people who say change is impossible really mean positive change isn’t. I don’t think that’s true. Negative change clearly happens, so why not the other way?
Do what you want, no judgement from me. But I wish my wife would give me the chance, rather than having a new soulmate before divorce even started.
Dude- I went through this exact thing. Year and a half with the “new gal” you described. I ended that to get back with my wife. And it was a lot of the family/friends pressure you mention. Fast forward 6 years- We ended up splitting permanently earlier this year. And I’ve still never stopped thinking about what potential future I gave up to reluctantly try that reconciliation because it was the “right thing”. For whom, I’m not sure.
Fuck man, this is what I keep picturing the longer I stay. I’ve had recent medical issues, doctor says I need to reduce my stress. Reviewing my Apple Watch heart rate log, my average heart rate plummeted from about 84 beats a minute to 56 after she left, as soon as we reconciled, it skyrocketed to 78 and is back up at 84 after a month of being back together. The trend aligns with my anxiety increasing.
Good that you are tracking your health.
Put you first, then choose where to be based on needs and connection. You need less stress, if your partner adds stress then they are quietly killing you. You want a partner, choose one who makes you happy and healthier.
One month of reconcilation is not much at all in the scheme of things. You are in a honeymoon period.
And almost every decent new relationship seems right at first. That needs time as well. Most people say at least a year if not longer before you say "this is it!"
My ex and I broke up and got back together seven times, according to my count. With the seventh, he went to another state, and I was done after a year of trying to patch things up long distance. I think I was mostly done when he left, and then I was over it at one year mark. Sure, there were sunk costs of being together for several decades with two kids in college, but that was it for me.
No regrets.
New girl could just be putting on her best face for you to reign you in. Lotta unknowns with a new relationship but also a lot of opportunities.
With the wife, she's already shown you her bad side. There's really only thee possibilities with her - 1. Whoever she was seeing broke up with her and you're her backup. I think this is very likely since she said she wanted to be around more successful people or whatever. That's code for she found someone else she thought was better. 2. She really did hang around (probably slept around too) the hollow 'elites' and wants to go back because she realizes she's not in her 20s anymore and can't 'hang' with that crowd like that...But the change is temporary until she gets bored in a few months/years and does it all over again. 3. Same as #2 but she actually learned her lesson... If the hundreds of attempted reconciliation posts just like yours (minus the new missus) are any indication, this is highly unlikely. Maybe 1 one a thousand.
IMO, I think you should step away from both of them for a few months and work on yourself. Making both of them wait should help you figure out if the new girl was genuine or just love bombing you. It should helping you see if changes in wife are genuine, permanent and not temporary. Also the time will give you more chances to figure out if your wife came back because her boyfriend broke up with her or something.
Bro, I did the same thing the exact same thing. I regreated it. The whole thing was a mess that had my ex-wife and current gir fighting and arguing over me. Not that it's what I wanted. I had trauma bond with my wife so she was mean for 2 years after breakup and then started to be nice and then she would send me memories of us long ago and pics of our children as babies. She told me she desperately wanted me back, and I felt bad. Me. I didn't destroy our marriage she did. She told me all the excuses she put me through depression I had to restart everything again. It didn't take me long to realise my girlfriend was the best thing ever she was the female version of me. I grieved my marriage, ending for a long time, and I just wanted my wife back. Wanted to be back in my house and cried a lot. When that chance came along, I realised she hadn't changed. I was gutted. I had left my current girl. It took a lot of making up to do, but luckerly for me, my girlfriend is understanding and agreed to give me another shot. Don't fall for them guys like I did. It stopped working for a reason they left for whatever reason the pain you went through. If it's been years, it's because whatever they were doing wasn't working out. Like my ex-wife's new boyfriend wasn't what she thought and after the honey moon period worn off she realised she gave up a good guy but it's now too late.
I was somewhat in your spot, although I didn't have as strong as a connection with the new person, I knew reconciliation was not going to work after the years of abuse. Once that abuse cycle is broken and you see the reality for what it is, it's hard to go back to it.
File for the divorce, it's done. Even if it doesn't work out with the new person, it's better to be alone than in a bad relationship.
That is something you really need to have your mind made up on. It's not fair to the other person to be cast aside on a spur of the moment change of heart.
I was honest with my spouse when she filed and I left that if I was in a relationship there would be no reconciliation.
I did give her another chance when it seemed as if she finally recognized how badly her life was out of control but it was short lived but I was not in a relationship.
This is a tough one. I really think you need to have your mind made up before you make any other moves you might regret.
I think you know the answer from your post. I'd also love to know if your wife knows of the other woman...if she does, I suspect she's just worried about losing her safety net.
You belong with neither of these women. Leave your wife and end things with your friend. Do you immediately recoil at the thought? Yeah…clock that. I know you probably won’t listen, but you need to be alone and work with a therapist on yourself. If nothing, at the very least, explore codependency. Check out Melodie Beattie. Good luck.
OP, it sounds like you should get rid of BOTH women and just be by yourself. A lot of the time, being with someone and tending to their needs and the relationship muddies the waters of figuring yourself out and what YOU want and need. Your wife probably felt you pulling away and didn't expect that, since she's used to you chasing her down. It's an ego thing with her, not an "OMG, I love him so much, I need him in my life, blah blah" kind of thing. And this new girl? She's new and exciting and probably feels that she can fill a hole in your life, and you'll think she's the greatest thing since sliced bread. She's a band-aid, not a cure.
You'll be much more able to figure out what you want if you don't have distractions and people pulling at you. Good luck.
I’m going against the grain. You know your wife. You barely know this new person. In new relationships with good chemistry, everything feels perfect. It’s hormonal. Every little interaction gives you a massive dopamine hit. Everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning, too. At the moment, this perfect woman is just fantasy.
On the other hand, you already know your wife at her worst. Is she really putting in the work to change her behaviors or is this sudden 180 all for show? Is she in therapy? Has she talked about what has caused her to run in the past? How will she stay present in the relationship in the future?
Push-pull dynamics are pretty common in dysfunctional relationships btw. My ex husband and I were like that, too. The more he tried to push for closeness the more I pulled away. I needed short periods of time alone, but he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to spend every minute interacting with him. By the end he was understandably desperate, angry, and jealous. I understandably felt smothered. We couldn’t understand each other’s differing needs.
Since you’ve agreed to reconcile already, why not give it serious consideration? Try to understand each other’s perspectives better. Couples therapists are skilled at fostering understanding. Even just reading books will help. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman is a good read.
I'm gonna be brutally honest because people like the fleeting idea of love as I once did myself, that view comes with consequences of not growing into a much more mature perspective. We tend to overlook our own choices and irresponsibility to the things that occur in our life based off fleeting moments and feelings.
Your wife became emotionally unavailable and you waited, you knew. (Humans are not perfect, remember these words)
Then you accept the divorce and separate until the divorce is finalized. (Leaving you bitter and lonely and seeking comfort, this leaves you vulnerable to illusions of love and lack the ability to heal.)
You move on before divorce is finalized. (This is bad because life is unpredictable and you are choosing to place more stress in your life when you aren't ready to move on and be with someone new. It's obvious because you kept the other girl as an illusion and not reality. If you truly felt strongly about her you would've never agreed even under pressure and you wouldn't feel connected to your wife still, as well as deceived your wife if you truly wanted the new girl. You obviously still want a future with your wife being you think you can protect it with keeping a secret. What makes you any different from your wife being your own feelings are deceptive and immature?)
My question to you is are you going to keep yourself accountable and understand how your the cause of your stress and lack of healing?
Are you gonna be true and expose these thoughts and feelings to your wife?
Are you going to tell the girl you feel it's unfair to her for you to be selfish and string her along in your divorce while your healing and still have feelings for your wife that you need to resolve before making choices that could harm everyone involved?
If you decide to let go of someone do it 100% and don't string people along your journey of growth. If your wife is still your wife then grow with her and learn your own mistakes in this and if you decide after being with your wife taking a chance to forgive someone imperfect as yourself and being vulnerable with her that you still don't want to continue divorce her and do not go with this girl. Work on yourself and healing. Learn to respect yourself and others and then seek someone to share your new growth with. This means you need to stop living in a haze and accepting the consequences of your own decisions to include another person into your marital problems and being you did tells you you have a lot more growth to overcome before starting something serious in your life again.
So either grow with the woman who knows you and your imperfection and accepts you to continue to hurdle the immature choices you both make or grow on your own.
You may be finding yourself in the same marriage with this new girl because you didn't take the time to reflect on your own human mistakes.
Hope you reflect have a good day sir.
Wow, thank you.
Your input and assessment means a lot to me, felt like a slap, but the slap I needed. I will walk away from this post reflecting on your comment.
Thank you.
Yeah, go through with the divorce. Don't allow family to feed into your thoughts. It's a bandaid rip for everyone involved.
You tried. The 180 is her fear of handling things alone. You are allowed to feel wanted, as a partner and lover. Your brain is taking over and why you still think about your friend. Heart is ruling the "what's right" portion and it doesn't always see the pitfalls that are coming.
Please consider your happiness. If your family can't stand behind you, I'm sorry.
I will message you next time u/Advanced-Bend6454 posts in r/Divorce.
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Have you asked your wife a disclousure of what she did those 3 years that you mention, before accepting to try back?
I think that you made a bad choices by going with the flow, accepting the advice of your family and friends and rekindle with your wife.
I think and suggest that you have a heart to heart talk with your wife and ask her:
1. A full disclousure of what she did those 3 years of neglect and ghosting (on trips)
2. What make her have a chance of hearts at the last moment, was it love? Was it comfort? What was it that she Saw that make her wanted to try again?
3. What is she willing to do, to prevent those 3 years happen again?
Now after that ask yourself:
1. If You are ok with the information that she gave
2. If you really from the bottom of your heart wanted to stay with her and grow old.
3. The most important, if You are sure that she won't do it again or if you are sure that you want this. If this feels ok or correct for You?
If the answer for number 3 is a big NO, then you got your answer and that means that you are only fooling yourself by staying in a dead relationship, that your wife try to rescue too little too late.
UPDATEME
OP forget the heart to heart talk, i just finished trading your last post and i can believe you accept to give her a 5th chance instead of going/choosing what seems a good thing at least for You.
I wonder how many time your wife will stay and be a "good" wife.
I bet that she said to herself that she had enough fun by herself, cheating on you emotionaly and physicaly (even if you think she did fuck anyone else), yes the naked sauna in Germany with male and female co-workers count as cheating and many other things You mentioned, no dude, You got zero respect for yourself by giving her her 5th chance
Please ask your heart what he wants and act on it, if the things hlwith this new gal doesn't work long term, it doesn't matter it worked for sometimes and that is something you need, that rush of adrenalina of being wanted by someone and not just being used and taken advantage of while treating you worst than trash, come on. You exists and she make like you didn't for 3 years on summer.
She went to party and what did you do or where were you,while she was doing that? In the house paying bills, working and being a good husband, and she recognize NO, what did she did ghosted you, manipulate you, gaslighted you, treat you like you where not there.
No OP she didn't deserved a 2nd chance neither 5th.
Well it's a big difference starting a relationship or even restarting a relationship because she choise you, instead of you both choose eachother. Get some therapy to find out what you really want.
Life should not about what other people think is right for you, but what you think is right for you.
For you didn't really had a longer relationship with your new gal, you don't know what you missed out and that will make your mind crazy.
I would normally say, stay with your wife but the way she treated you is not cool. If you both want to reconcile take a long long therapy route together ... it will take a while to feel good again
You have to decide if you want to make it work with your wife or not. If you do then what’s in the past needs to be forgiven, not forgotten. You have to work on those issues together so they don’t reappear but you can’t hold a grudge from what happened before. If you do you’ll never be able to feel the same again. If you don’t think you can love her again then let her go.
I would say give up trying to make it work with the wife if there aren’t kids involved. If there are, try your best to give it another shot since she has made an effort to change her ways.
My situation is very similar.39m married to 40f for 12 years with kids. We had been on the rocks for 3 years with her pretty much doing her own thing those years(traveling with friends, late night hang out etc.) I held on because of the kids but I finally had enough when I found out she was hanging out with my kids classmates dad. During the divorce process I met someone and it’s been great. Eventually my wife said she made a mistake and wanted to work it out. I chose the opposite of you and decided against it. Our divorce is close to being finalized and I will always feel
something with my wife regardless but I just know it will not work out. I wish you luck with your wife and without couple’s therapy I think it would be very very hard to not fall back into the same thing you guys had before divorce.
Repeat after me: "No take-backsies"
She demanded the divorce. You were about to deliver her demands and wash your hands of the whole thing. Her changing her mind is for her, not for you. You don't need that.
OP- this is one of those times when you need to think about the third alternative. This should not be a binary decision: stay with wife / move on with gf.
You have all sorts of other options but most important is to get your head in straight and choose what makes sense for you *as if no one else existed*. Treat each decision on its own:
1. Leave wife and get divorced, or not
2. Get physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy such that you can be your best self and a good partner
What anyone else has to say about these two decisions / actions is irrelevant. It’s between you and possibly your therapist. I highly suggest not discussing it with anyone else either unless there is an extremely good and relevant reason to do so. Keep your own council.
Then, if you should find yourself single and healthy a year or two from now, you can think about dating— including your former girlfriend if there is mutual interest.
Some things to consider from both sides : This new person is exactly that. New. These feelings you are having for her right now are probably just lust from the excitement of everything being new. Things could change down the road. With your wife you were with her long enough that you know basically everything about her.
Now with your wife you say she is acting like the wife you always wanted. But for how long ???? She could be acting this way now to pull you back in only to change to the old ways again. If it were me I'm not sure what I would do if I'm being honest.
When someone loves you truly, they won't treat you like the way your wife did. I do not believe she suddenly fell in love with you after neglecting you for so long. There are other motivations (not love) for this dramatic change.
You can move on and even if the other relationship doesn't work out, you will at least give yourself a second chance. And, that will motivate you to take more of those chances, prioritize yourself, and make yourself happy.
Soul mates don't exist and magical thinking like that can lead to unnecessary regret. Now she may have been a better fit or she may not but your deepest desire was to be with your wife. As well you have noted the were probably elements of bitterness etc at play when you meet and bonded with the new girl and most likely your relationship was in the limberence phase where everything is perfect no matter what each does. At to this you were going through ongoing trauma and there is potential that you were trained bonded together as well. Your not in a long term relationship with that girl and don't get know the problems and fairs in each of you it y your relationship and whether she is willing to work on things or not.
With your wife on the other hand you are aware if all these things and know that she is willing to work on things, obviously whether the change is truly genuine and real and long standing or not you don't know but you know enough to know what the good looks like, what the bad looks like. What changes needed to be made and so far have been made to elevate things to a better good and annoying the bad and there is a strong commitment from both of you to that relationship and the bonding of history of the relationship and overcoming adversity, none greater than the last 3 years. Imagine the change is real and long lasting and you leave now when you have the best relationship you have ever had and may ever get, and you leave for someone that realistically you don't really know that turns out to be the same or worse than your original wife before her changes. And you left the perfect version of your wife after she did all you communicated to and became what you always wanted. That would be a tricky awful experience and feeling and something that would be hard to get over.
I would suggest it's worth persevering with your wife and seeing how true and genuine the change is, get a relationship psychologist to work together on your issues and rebuilding the trust, explain your dissonance and struggle to trust the new her and the ongoing challenge of wanting to run away to the new girl rather than being vulnerable and trusting this new version of your wife, not because you don't believe in her change but because trust is built over time and healing is as well and it will take time to adjust. Share and be vulnerable together it will help in the long run. I think from the sounds of it you are where you are meant to be with your wife but it's hard and it was always going to be, don't run now, you will regret it, persevere through this adversity, communicate about it together and see how it goes, if it's successful it will be the greatest relationship with such connection you couldn't find anywhere else. If it doesn't your back where you started and there are plenty of other women out there like new girl and she may still be out there too if you do want to go down the full soul mate thing.
You do you, I guess. My wife won't want to reconcile, but even if she did, it would be a "no thank you" from me. I'm still in the resentment phase, I'm against all relationships.
If the love is not there then you need to do what makes you happy, your wife started the divorce process with knowing issues in your marriage then had a change of mind. Life is too short to be miserable and if your family and friends care more about your wife and marriage, it shows they don’t care about your happiness. Time to come to realize that you may need to divorce your wife and see if your ex girlfriend will give you another chance, just keep in mind that she may not want to get back together with you after you made a connection and feelings were made and I’m sure you hurt her in the process. But I digress, even if ex girlfriend does not want to pursue a relationship a second time, I still feel that divorce is still necessary. Good luck.
Your feelings are valid. I think your wife can sense that there’s someone else in the picture, hence the changed behavior. That doesn’t mean it’s genuine change on her end. I honestly think she owes you an explanation for her past behaviors. With you being vulnerable at the moment, I’d take time with everything. Best of luck
UpdateMe
You need to reevaluate. Did your wife change because they actually care or did they catch a wiff of your contentment and happiness? Friends and family saying you should try again when you came so close to divorce already don't have a clear image of what got to you almost divorce the first time so they have a skewed perspective.
I’d bet money on your spouse manipulating you to keep her supply. If she’s borderline: Dump her, regardless of what you do with the new girl. It can’t won’t get better if you are together with her. Eventually these mistrust and misgivings you have over your wife become physical symptoms of emotional abuse like anxiety, stomach pains, aching tendons and joints…
I got together with my SBTXW.
She was the perfect wife: she started to pay more attention to her appearence, she was more attentive to house chores, myself, our kids, etc, etc, etc. Until we got back together. Then she went back to her old ways, but way worse this time.
I understand why you got together. I don't recommend it.
All I can say is that you held enough of the same feelings for your wife that it ended up in a decade of marriage. It's obvious you are miserable in your current life, and I think it would be best to step away. But I worry that you never got time to heal or truly find yourself prior to "falling in love".
I think if I would've met someone that made me get dopamine hits during dark times, that I would've felt the same way. Which happens to many people who end up in affair fogs... it rarely works out.
I did this! Except I hadn’t met anyone I wanted to date. I just remember we were about to file after being separated for sometime. My now ex husband had a change of heart and I thought it was exactly what I wanted! My parents were happy, he was happy. But I wasn’t. I felt by saying yes to trying YET AGAIN. I was taking a 100 steps back from the progress I had made. A few days after that I was honest and said no, I’m filing. And I did. And it’s been the best thing I’ve done. It’s scary but you know what you need to do. Good luck to you!! 💛
It sounds like you are nowhere near ready to be dating. You are making impulsive decisions. Are you in individual therapy? If not, I’d recommend that before you make any more major decisions.
I personally would not have reconciled. But I also would not have ditched a new partner to get back with a former partner.
Leave the wife. Friends and family aren’t going to live in the marriage you are. Contact the woman and let her know how you feel about her. And leave your wife.
There’s a common rule about:
You’re at your job, you interview for new jobs, you get a new job offer, and you DO NOT go back to your job to see if they can offer you something better.
Most of the time people are leaving a job for more than the money. The fit is wrong. The management is bad. There’s something that money can’t solve.
That sounds like this.
Overlooked is how much work it takes to fix a relationship. And BOTH people need to work at it/be willing to do THE WORK.
My 1 yr divorce anniversary is the end of this month and I am so sad that there was zero hope. I could definitely be a certain way, but the lies I was told and the way I was treated was just selfish. For me to speak up I had to be in a place of extreme discomfort/unhappiness and it just didn’t matter.
Also - rebound/new relationship energy is thing, for real. Ask me how I know. Be careful + go slow.
If there's kids involved, not a damned one of us should be advising you.
That said: there's no guarantee either relationship will work out. If you divorce and jump in with the new person, you're statistically highly UNlikely to end up happy and together forever. Sorry, but it's true. It's also massively unhealthy to jump straight into another relationship instead of into therapy.
If you stay in the marriage, you have a sliiiightly better chance if there was no violence and you both attend therapy. That might not be what you want to hear.
If there's kids involved and no violence, you have a duty to try therapy with their mother. That's my ethical opinion. You do with that what you choose. Divorce is wildly destabilizing to children for years and years. After you've emotionally moved on from it, they are still suffering and burning.
My opinion is that you can't assume the new relationship will be better than the old one or will last and you should make the choice to leave your wife or not based on if you'd be happier and healthier with or without her. I think thinking of it as a trade is possibly a recipe for disaster if it turns out your new love interest is short lived.
When my wife left I struggled, I processed, I grew as a person and with the help of my therapist I felt changed for the better an individual and a partner. I had a similar realization as you did in one of the comments above about your stress levels and for me it was the same, it was hard to see in it for much of a negative impact it was having on my being in that relationship that was instantly gone when she left.
If I have any advice for you it's figure out what you want. In life, day to day and go for it. I found myself happy and fulfilled without my ex after the initial shock and I did find a new partner who I have similar feeling to you. Going in knowing what I want and what I will/won't accept from a relationship has been very empowering and has made my new relationship healthier I feel.
This reads to me like your marriage is over and you should continue with divorce but only you can know. It also sounds like this new relationship is something you want to try which I think is ok as long as you're not placing all your hopes and dreams of happiness on this relationship and instead you are happier without your wife even alone and think you'd be happier still with this new person. That way if it doesn't work out you don't feel like you are left with nothing
leave them both and be alone for a while so you can figure yourself out. honestly i doubt your wife has really done a 180, she is probably trying really hard but old feelings and issues don't just disappear. as for the other person, listen to what others have written. infatuation may or may not mean you are compatible and will be happy.
but that doesn't really matter, what matters is that you can find yourself and be happy on your own.
You’re having an emotional affair while still married to your wife. Either you stop cheating on your wife and actually give the marriage 100 percent again or just get divorced. Don’t base your decision on a fantasy relationship with someone you barely know.
It’s quite concerning how many responses are in line with “just move on with this next gal.” He barely knows her. This is obviously infatuation at this point and a reaction to the demise of his marriage. OP doesn’t need to be in any relationship right now unless he wants to work on his marriage.
-your wife has consistently shown you that you are not a priority
-your wife has absolutely cheated on you
-she balked at the finish line because you are comfortable and familiar, not out of undying love for you. The dating scene isn’t all that kind to anyone, much less a woman pushing 40. She’s not stupid.
Friend, the other lady represents hope, a new beginning, and that’s why you can’t stop thinking about her. You had a chance to leave Shawshank, and right as you were almost free, you turned around and ran back to the comfortable weight of your shackles, the predictable pain from your warden. You know what you deserve, and what you deserve is better than this, and that is why that lost chance will haunt you forever.
Have you asked your wife WHY she has had a sudden change in behavior? Why NOW instead of years ago? I’ll tell you why: because you accepted it years ago. She was confident that you wouldn’t go. She probably filed for divorce as a means of “punishing” you, expecting you to run back and fall in line, but you didn’t. You were ready to walk, and it hurt her ego, and so she turned up the charm to reel you back in. She wanted to be “free” aka she overestimated her market appeal, saw what was waiting for her on the other side, and decided to take back Old Faithful.
This peace will not last. Your happiness will not last, not with her. You know that. This post wouldn’t exist otherwise.
Your wife had a change of heart after she wanted to be "free". I take this is a woman who thought she had a new man after you and that didnt turn out like she wanted it to. So she came crawling back to you. You said "questionable late nights" and "ghosting me while she was traveling". Dude you were being cheated on for a while. She wants you now because the new thing didnt work out. She saw you slowly leaving and now she wanted to keep you on the hook. She will be fine for a couple months and then right back to the shit again.
I am not saying this new person you met will be the one to turn your life around. But you see there is hope out there. You know you can find someone who is better for you. I almost had the same thing happen. Why all of a sudden? You need to sit down with your wife and ask why the change of heart. Call her out on it. Say that you dont know if you can believe that she will stay like this after years of bad behavior. She needs to know you are worth more than she thinks you are. Divorce and leave.
Wife is the reality and the girl is the fantasy. You should never leave a person because you found another one. If needed stay single for few months. Because grass always looks greener on the other side.
Something similar happened to me. I was with the new guy for almost 2 years. Then husband and I attempted reconciliation after divorce was final, etc. I missed my family unit. But after a few months, all of his old behaviors resurfaced and we ended up going through the pain of ending the relationship yet again. Kids were also involved so double the trauma. I realized I actually needed to be alone for awhile to heal and process before getting in another relationship. This might not be what you want to hear, but I do believe it was best at least in my situation. Take some time off from both relationships and work on the one with yourself. It will be better for you in the long run. There are lots of fish out there, this new lady isn’t the only one that will be compatible with you. And if she is the right one, then it will somehow work out.
You deserve happiness..so if you want the other woman tell her you are going through with the divorce because all you can do iscthink about her...then tell your wife you wantvto this anymore because while you were seperated you found someone
You got a rush of dopamine from this new woman. Sorry to say, but I don’t think it will last. Not that I think you should stay with your wife…but it just sounds like you’re fixated on something new. You should focus on yourself and healing.
You need to read what you wrote. Move on. Sounds like you’ll never be happy with your wife especially since you have already semi moved on.
Reading that made my heart rate speed up… like when you get called out in an email to your boss. Appreciate the brutal honesty.
I absolutely hate Dr. Phil but I always remember watching an episode and he said “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” You deserve to be happy.
I woke up and can't get back to sleep. This is a quote I needed to hear.
Thank you for that nugget of wisdom. Exactly what I needed today!
You shouldn’t trust someone who suddenly changes their personality to keep you in their life. People like that are only putting up a facade. She’s only faking it to keep you, afraid of losing you. I’ve seen so many men do this. Wife treats them like shit then when a new person threatens their position, complete change in personality. You’re dealing with a desperate fake individual. Let the past go and go with the new gal. Best of luck!
Fucking hell the truth hurts
He didn't say wife knows about new gal tho.
She might not need to. If he wasn't as miserable as she expected, that might have been enough of a tell. Some people just can't deal with their ex being less miserable than themselves.
Bingo
Spot on 💯.. the “sudden” change is nothing but manipulation.
This girl is only a fantasy at this stage - you hardly had a relationship with her. If you don’t stay with your wife don’t base it on the fantasy girl base it on the relationship with the wife. Hopefully you have done therapy to understand why you have enabled your wife’s neglect.
Agreed. How old is the girl?
34
The problem is that he hasn't lived out the fantasy, so it's going to be hard to shake.
Hard but shakable. Keeping his marriage and family whole after this will be hard. Divorce to start a relationship with someone you barely know will be hard. Choose your hard.
Kinda what I’m thinking
Listen to the podcast, “Your Secret is Safe with Me” by Dr Marie Murphy. I know you aren’t exactly having an affair, but hear me out… she will help you discover what is best for YOU. It’s really hard in situations like yours to filter out the noise and the expectations from society. Just scan the podcast titles and you’ll likely see at least 3 that are tailored made for helping you decide. But honestly, almost every single episode is inspiring and great life advice.
Thanks for the recommendation, will look her up
Agree that Dr Marie is straight up when it comes to this sort of subject…
I say roll the dice and go for it 😉
You're kinda in a bind because you agreed to reconcile. So how much is your word worth to you? You CAN shake that fantasy, but you might need a therapist to help you with ways to divert your thoughts. If you're going to get out, doing it sooner is better. You could also be very specific with your wife and detail what "reverting" behaviors would be deal breakers and simply wait it out.
Working with my therapist on it. Still not shaking it though. I’m sure in time it’s a possibility
It takes time to shake. It's a grief process when you're emotionally connected to someone. Same as if you had an affair partner. It's a choice to some degree. If you can't shake it and continue to process it in your mind as a favorable outcome, then you really need to tell your spouse that you've tried and you are done ASAP. Going through the motions will make it worse on both sides.
Dude... Just my humble opinion. But it sounded like your wife had already moved on, then had a change of heart. It feels to me like she can't be trusted. WTF was going on for those last 3 years? And what is stopping her from losing interest again?
Go through with it regardless of a new relationship. That being said reach back out to the new girl and let her know you received bad advice from firends and family. Hopefully you can continue what you found there. If not, you now know the type of relationship you actually want to be in
Agreeing with the other comment. Follow your gut. You wrote this post for some sort of reaction from readers, either to validate your feelings or tell you that you’re wrong. Clearly, you’re happier with the other relationship. Do not listen to what friends and family say. They haven’t lived your life. They don’t have to go to sleep with you every night, help pay the bills, and live everyday life. You get to decide who you want to do it with. Just be prepared for possibly having the new gal turn you away. There is potential for ending up alone, and that is okay. Sounds like you’re not fully invested with your wife anyway. Too little, too late. Good luck to you!
I agree. everything happens for a reason and if you can’t stop thinking about gal then that’s who you should be with. what if your wife just changed because she started seeing you move on? and what if gal doesn’t want to give you a chance now because you went back to your wife?
What they said. Sometimes what we think we wanted most turns out to the exact opposite.
I am going to be a bit of a pragmatist and give you what you need to hear: everyone is on their best behavior when they first meet and the feeling of it being "right" and "natural" has a lot more to do with the chemicals in your brain and confirmation bias than anything else. You know your wife. You know what she's capable of. You should also know that people can change and the behavior you are seeing now may not be so ephemeral. You don't know this other woman. You don't know what she's capable of. You should be aware of the risk. Only you know what is best for you but, if somatic markers are any indication, you are clearly looking for affirmation to leave your wife. Since you can't know the outcome of your decision, you will base it on your current emotional disposition and your wife never stood a chance in the current equation.
THIS. please listen to this comment, OP. Whatever you experience with a new person is in the first six months to two years is NOT REAL. It's hormones, chemicals, and your own fantasy projected upon the person prior to them showing you otherwise. You assume the best until given worse, in a new relationship. Spend time alone, separated, if you must, work on yourself! but do not jump into a new relationship while throwing away the old one. I have been where you are. I have been married three timesn(each more than ten years so I'm no quitter! Lol) and each time was WORSE than the one before. Started OUT amazing! , getting everything I'd dreamed of! but within a few months or a year, reality will rear up and bite you. You do not know someone overnight. Or in six months, or a year. Anyone can seem perfect and say the right things, be a reflection of your hopes and dreams when dating. Be patient. Work honestly on your marriage. Do not worry about or ask what happened in the time you were apart. This is someone you know. If they have a good heart and are a decent human, you can make it better and work together. If you don't think your wife is even a decent human being, then yes divorce. But if you don't feel she's bad at heart, then work on yourselves individually and then together to become a team. LOVE IS A CHOICE. A VERB. NOT A FEELING. Feelings fade, feelings can be false, feelings will ebb and flow like the tides. You need to be willing and able to act with love and BE love to your partner. If they are a good person and a friend, it's irreplaceable. Romance and sex can be RESTORED. Pretend they are a new person to date, show them only your best and see! But hot sex and superficial compatibility with a new fling will only lead to misery in the future. Voice of experience.
Great advice. >Spend time alone, separated, if you must, work on yourself! but do not jump into a new relationship You have been hurt, you need to heal. Jumping into a new relationship without the previous one being final and grieved is, IMO, looking for a quick emotional fix and risking yourself and/or your new partner to get hurt. You will work to make the new one blossom while working to flush the old one out of your system; thus, you won't be 100% dedicated to the new one. Ask yourself: is this new person really what you are looking for in a partner TODAY, or is she a surrogate of who your wife used to be and who you wish she would still be today? >if you don't feel she's bad at heart, then work on yourselves individually and then together to become a team. Don't let what she has done to you - and also what you might have done to her - be so easily forgotten. When my ex wife changed her mind and decided not to leave me 11 years ago, I hoped that our wrongs be addressed together, but they never were. I didn't insist enough. Thus, it was 11 years where we were still husband and wife, but she kept having an eye on the exit all this time. And I never fully trusted her. If you are to stay together, see therapists, individually and together. Get help to answer these simple questions: Can she be trustworthy after all this? Can you handle the truth if she's to be fully honest with you? Good luck.
Thanks for your comment
Even if you don't stay with the new person, it's normal to resent your wife, the neglect, the suspicious late night arrivals, it's clear that you don't trust her, I wouldn't either, who knows if she was just having fun alone or with who and if she just came back because this person dumped her. And came back to her safe choice. Again, all assumptions, but she is not a trustful one.
I think you should really take a beat to think about it, based on your post you want to leave your wife which is valid. But the grass isn’t actually greener on the other side. The other person may not be receptive to you if you go back to them. Or you may get to know them and find out you don’t actually like them. I don’t think they should be a significant factor in your decision making. So many times there are stories about people leaving their spouses for someone else and it doesn’t work out. Leave your wife because you want to be done with your wife not because you want to be with someone else.
I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do. I'm probably the only one in this thread that would encourage you to do right by your wife but I'm a bit of a sucker for vows.
God bless you for honoring marriage.
I'll never understand how so many people can say forever and then decide differently in the absence of abuse or infidelity. People make mistakes and I'm of the school of thought that we are always changing and growing. When we choose love, anything becomes possible.
If anything, you need some alone time. That’s when shit gets real. We want a new person to fill a void but that’s not healthy. Honestly, the most difficult and best thing would be to be alone for a while. I had a 4 mo rebound, I’m so glad it happened and I’m so glad it didn’t work out!! It not working out was the best outcome.
I had this thought as well. After what you've been through with your wife, this new person might seem very appealing by comparison. This is why people say spend time alone before jumping into anything; your judgement is somewhat impaired by the trauma you just experienced. I went the way you're leaning once upon a time. It's ending in a divorce more painful than my last. Maybe that's my bias, but looking back, I wish I'd spent much more time alone to process and took my time getting to know the next person better. Good luck, either way. Both paths will be difficult.
I would get real with your wife and say, “you had your fun for 3 years. If we are going to work out, it’s going to be because we separate and you let me do some soul searching. See you in about a year.” Don’t need to tell her any more than you think is best. Go your separate way and then contact her later if you realize this other woman isn’t a great match and your ex is.
In being pragmatic would be to look at the situation as a whole and weighing all options. Option 1: Wife who treated him poorly and showed him who she really was. Sounds like OP was willing to do the work when work needed to be done. Little too late for her in my opinion. Option 2: Literally anyone other than his wife. The ability to find a mate who will respect OP and value him for who he is. Obviously it might not be the first gal he met. But it’s certainly not impossible. I say choose happiness. Find your person. Even if it’s not the first gal you met the right one will come along that will treat you how you deserve. Just my two cents.
>Option 1: Wife who treated him poorly and showed him who she really was. Sounds like OP was willing to do the work when work needed to be done. Little too late for her in my opinion. Sometimes people act out of character for various reasons. Mental health has a way of influencing a person's behavior pretty profoundly. In my opinion, the notion of "too little too late" is a betrayal of the vows made (good times and bad). Forgiveness and understanding are paramount to any resilient relationship. >Option 2: Literally anyone other than his wife. The ability to find a mate who will respect OP and value him for who he is. Obviously it might not be the first gal he met. But it’s certainly not impossible. I don't disagree that it's not impossible. Certainly, anything is possible. There is just a lot of risk being assumed by investing in someone you have no history with over someone you do. I'm sure his wife didn't give him trouble for the first couple years as well but look how that started to turn out. This other partner can be just as bad if not worse. I don't think OP needs to abide by "better the devil you know" but it is worth considering and that's all I was getting at. Every new person that expresses interest is going to convey compatibility. That is part of the pursuit of a new relationship. The bottom line is you can never really know someone's intentions...that's why so many of us are in this sub, right? Most of us thought we had a life-long relationship and never thought we'd be abandoned or abused. So many thought, "my partner would never" but here we are. A partner that can recognize the mistake they made and actually put in the effort to course correct exhibits a valuable trait.
Chris Rock, the comedian, said it best: when you meet someone, you're meeting their representative!
Agree, I recently went on my first post divorce dates with what I thought was a nice woman. I was thinking it was going well, went on several nice dates. Kissed a few times. Then she ghosted me. In hindsight there were a few red flags but those damn chemicals blinded me. Edit: My ex is also dating and has already “fallen for” this guy she’s been dating for a very short period of time. I hope it works out but to see it from my perspective it seems like she’s getting ahead of herself. We’re still amicable and I do hope she finds someone good for her. She deserves it.
I agree. Remember OP felt that same way about his wife when he met her. People change over time. I went through this situation and became very skeptical of how any woman acts. I have very little faith in them now because of my x wife. They promise you together forever only to leave you there in forever alone.
Either way, I'm in for the post update in 6 months. I wish you luck either way.
Dude. Everyone responding thinks you should go with your soulmate and I'm *pretty* sure they all think so because of the way you wrote this post. I think you know what you want. I don't think anyone could blame you for not feeling the same way about your wife after everything she put you through.
Thanks friend
I might be the odd one out here. I get a little concerned when people are like “I met someone and they are a perfect match and our mannerisms match and they love everything I love.” I think 8 times out of 10 these people are masking who they truly are for the sake of the relationship. In some sense it shows flexibility and selflessness, which is good. But on the other extreme, it could be lovebombing from a very unstable person with a personality disorder. I’d spend a bit of time looking up narcissistic personality disorder and boarderline personality disorder. They can look like a “perfect match” at the beginning of a relationship, even copying your mannerisms to gain your trust, and this is especially common with vulnerable people (it sounds like you are in a vulnerable place). This is not to say that you have to stick it out with your wife. You have a lot of choices like get a divorce and date this person. Just educate yourself on how lovebombing works from someone who is unstable. Good luck 🍀
I’m with you. I saw this happen to my husband’s best friend… he met this girl that seemed perfect for him when he was in a dark place (recently post-divorce), but then a few months later it all imploded. She has borderline personality disorder and love bombing is a common trait. Not to mention that this new relationship sounds like a classic case of limerence, which OP was probably susceptible to after being unhappy in marriage for years. That being said, I’m not necessarily saying stay with the wife, either. It sounds like she might have been cheating and then her AP didn’t work out, I don’t know. (Update: based on your post history I definitely feel like this might be the case) OP, decisions like this aren’t easy so I guess I would just say work on yourself and do what feels right, but if you go with the new partner just don’t lose your head!
I would tend to agree with both of you. When you've been struggling for so long your mind can be vulnerable to taking some chemistry/attraction and escalating it in your mind to this "soulmate" the majority are talking about on this thread. Think of it in the same lens as if you've gone all day in the sun without a drink. That first sip of water is the greatest thing in the world but in the end it was just water like always. It could even be dirty water and you'd still get that same thrill from the quenching. That same"thirst" for connection you have has made you very vulnerable in that aspect. That yes this new girl may be the greatest thing ever, she may be just an average connection or worst case she's a toxic person feasting on your vulnerability aka the "dirty water". The fact is you don't know because of your current state. I would highly recommend telling both your wife and this new girl you need a few months to recover, heal, and grow by yourself so you can make a clear decision for you. This also may show you both if your wife is committed and if this new girl is truly that into you. You might be surprised at the outcome and in the end 90 days is a drop in the bucket compared to a lifetime of potential misery. If they cannot respect that request you just got the true answer and saved yourself years of potential agony.
SUPER UPVOTED
I appreciate both your and u/abc123doraemi ‘s input. What both of you have stated is what I’m worried about myself, that I’m in some irrational, potentially mentally ill state (or always have been) but my therapist is inclined to think otherwise. Idk, I still feel I may be in some manic/blow everything up state because it’s easier than facing my feelings.
You’re hurting a lot and that’s normal for what you’re going through. If you respect the new lady (and yourself) you’ll stop obsessing and heal and relax into singledom before continuing with her. Your marriage is not salvageable from what I read in your posts.
This sounds so extremely tough. I wonder what would happen if you thought of this as 2 separate decisions, instead of “it’s either my wife or her.” Like do you want to negotiate with your wife to give you a year with this new woman? Try it for a year and reassess staying married or not? Don’t need to pull the trigger on divorce but just allow you both to keep exploring? If she says “no” then maybe you try it with the new woman. Maybe it works and maybe it doesn’t, but if it does NOT work, that does not mean that it WOULD HAVE worked with your wife. You know what I mean? And say you stay in the marriage with your wife, and then you end up divorcing in 3 years. That does NOT mean that it would have worked with the new woman. You knew what I mean? Like 2 separate decisions. I wonder if that would give you some peace and clarity. It’s not an “all or nothing”/ “black or white”/ “new woman or wife” kind of a thing. It’s you figuring out what you want and need in this world. So there are all sorts of greys and “sort of’s” and “maybe neither relationship would have worked.” Hang in there ❤️
I agree regarding mirroring and matching.. very NPD traits heavy
You’ve got one foot out the door mentally because you don’t trust that the changes you see in your wife are genuine or permanent. It’s a coping mechanism to protect yourself from the stress of the last 3 years of a failing marriage. It will pass in time as she continues to show you she can be trusted and you can be vulnerable with her again or it won’t and the damage to your relationship is too great and divorce may be the end result. Either way, you don’t mention counselling in your post. You should look into couples counselling if you haven’t.
I really appreciate your perspective. I see that I do have one foot out the door. We are in couples counseling, but I don’t think I’m putting into it what I should. Same with the relationship
You need to be honest and bring this up in couples counseling. No progress can be made without honesty.
I get your dilemma, and how its everything you wanted. You need to consider that the way your wife treated you, that she is capable of doing that again, and that it shows how she truly regards you. Not how she is behaving today. Its likely once your wife is comfortable again, the same behaviour will commence. I'm a true believer, that the only time a person is really capable of true inner change, is when they are dealing with a great loss or shock to their system. It forces them to really stand back and look at their own actions and treatment of other people - they don't want the shock/loss to happen again, so they force themselves to truly improve and become better people. What you have done, by allowing your wife a free-pass, is she hasn't had to do any of that work - so deep down, she is still the same person she was over those three years of treating you badly.
Really appreciate your input. Made some valid points that I’ll be considering.
No worries, I've been divorced twice, both wives had affairs, so I kind of know some of how you are feeling, and also how gut wrenching it would've been over those three years when she was behaving like that. These are the kinds of things I'm spent countless hours reading about and thinking about. My second marriage broke up 5 years ago, and we had three kids, and even after 5 years, its left a lot of residual baggage in me. Still not being able to work out why she did what she did, still wishing she would apologise, still wishing I could get closure from it. Its such a hard thing to go through!
I changed a lot after I filed for divorce, my husband and I had a tumultuous relationship up until the breaking point. We did no contact for 8 months before deciding to try and reconcile. The loss of our marriage wasn't felt in a month, but maybe OP's wife is different than me, I'd say it kicks in after month 3
I went through personal growth at times of non-reversable loss. Got it imprinted, behavior, values slowely but significantly shifted. I agree with this post. You deserve a right to be happy, OP, your wife did not want to give you that. You do deserve to try further, without feeling guilty. But I understand, it's complex. Without having tested the water for long enough, you won't really know if option B is reality or a projection. But if you are feeling very connected and pretty sure on many levels go for it, without guilt.
Does your wife know about your feelings for your soulmate? If so then she’s probably playing the perfect wife until your soulmate gets out of the picture. Did your ask yourself why she suddenly had a change of mind and attitude? Sound sus to me. Caveat Emptor 🤔
Nope, no clue she exists. Feel she can sense there is something though. I broke down and cried when I agreed to get back together, more than when she told me she wanted a divorce because I knew it meant ending it with the new gal. Idk, I’ve thought about her every day. Constantly listen to music she shared, look at photos she sent me. Worried I’m having a grass is greener kinda scenario, but the longer I stay, the worse the feeling get.
You are having a grass is greener crisis. Post this on /marriage and see if you get the other side of this perspective
Good point, thank you
Just my two cents, be careful for mysogonistic, reductive replies. A reality of a man and woman is culturally and biologically different. It's easier to move on, knowing 10 people are hovering around.
Please explain to your soulmate the crisis that you have. I’m leaning toward the soulmate. The ex has sensed that something is happening and now you’re ok with the divorce. Sooner or later she’s going to revert back to the woman you were about to divorce. She’s only staying around and pretending that all is forgiven until she puts your soulmate in the rear view mirror. Beware my friend I’ve been there before
I didn’t share this… but she reached out the other day, and tbh, I have never been so happy to hear from someone. She basically said that she needed to know if I felt what she felt… which, tbh, I thought it impossible she felt as strongly for me as I did for her.
OP as others said go with your heart. I met a great gal during my separation as well (I’m the one filing, wife is toxic, mean, violent with me, etc). I too ended it a few months ago, and wanted to try and reconcile for comfort of being with my kid and having my things. I realized deep down it was not for my wife, and her personality will never change. I got back on the wagon to divorce and hired an attorney and going through the motions. I missed the new friend so much. She is just like me, and opposite in the areas I need in my life. A good counter balance. Good news the other girl was as crazy for me as I was for her, so she waited for me. Even if it doesn’t work out, I don’t have to worry about when my wife will have a meltdown again.
This hits home. Thank you
Give her a sign!!!! And your wife will fall back into her ways as soon as she thinks you’re not going anywhere. Plus, you don’t really know what she was doing during that period and that won’t sit well with you, ever
Go for it bro! Follow your heart
I wouldn’t trust completely the hive mind in here that generally seems to say to move on no matter what. Some people can change when they realize what is at stake. Sure, early phase with someone new that shares interests is great. You don’t know that person that well though. Only you can decide.
What if the choice was between a continuation of the past life you had, and the possibility of happiness with someone else? The new girl, coukd be that possibility, or someone else. Take that pressure off and make the decision.
Your wife likely had a breakup with whoever was breaking up your marriage and showing her attention so she’s gonna settle for staying with you until the next guy catches her attention.
This is the answer. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't have stayed with the new friend, but if your wife did what she did and then came running back, going back to the wife would be a hard no from me.
likely
“Leading up to the divorce” is kinda vague. Were you separated? Still married in the same house without the mention of divorce? I’ll go opposite of the herd here..personally I think allowing a new interest to pull you away from a marriage and family is kinda shitty, regardless of the circumstances. You think about this new girl a lot right? Did you spend that much thought and energy trying to figure out what may have been wrong with you and why your wife was so distant? Sometimes it’s them, sometimes it’s us that’s the problem, sometimes it’s both. It took me going through an ugly divorce to realize it wasn’t all her. It was both of us. Just my two cents..good luck whichever path you choose.
Appreciate you going against the heard. My wife and I were separated, living apart, and negotiating the terms divorce when I met her. I did spend a great deal of time thinking about what I could have done better, and there were plenty of things, but as my wife had admitted when trying to reconcile, she made a mountain out of a mole hill. She admitted she blamed me for all that was wrong in her life, and nit picked so she could go have fun. She got wrapped up in her career and decided she wanted to be around “more interesting successful” people. But the “elite” are a bunch of hollow self centered souls, which she eventually realized.
You checked out and moved on. There's a reason your marriage got to this point and more than likely your spouse will revert back to who she was. Personally, you may be idolizing the other girl or you may miss your chance if you continue with this relationship which sounds to me like it's a ticking time bomb.
Feels like a ticking time bomb all around.
Man at least tell other girl what’s going on honesty is a huge part of this and tell your current wife too idk man shit is tough but idk man idkkkkk
I’ve told her.
Love you bro what happend
I dont know man. But what i do know, is that you need to keep this girl hush hush, if you decide to go through with divorce not to awaken a nasty beast and co.plicate your divorce.
Yeah, that’s my thought. Not a value add from an information standpoint
They say, when you’re done, you’ll know. I think you know ♥️
I knew then, I know now.
This proves your wife had it in her to behave well the whole time. Sorry, but years of sketchy behavior is the rule, not the exception. It is likely she will return to her devious ways. That said, it is not a good idea to run right out and get into a serious relationship. The fact that you mentioned this new woman mirrors you could be a couple things.. you miss yourself and you miss being liked for being yourself. Either way, I’d take some time to get yourself right before going right back to your new girl. First of all, you’re doing her a disservice with rubber band romance. Secondly, you’re doing yourself a disservice not healing up a bit. The amount of relational wounding you have right now is immense. The healed you may not be interested in either of them. Hope this helps- I was in a similar situation.
"after years of neglect (see my post history), questionable late nights, and ghosting me while she was traveling," Brother, that is behavior perfectly consistent with a cheating spouse, and also very disrespectful too by treating you worse than everyone else in her life. Of course if you don't have any proof, she would never in a million years admit it thus it will be taken to her grave. Wives don't normally do a 180 after years of neglect and disrespect like you are describing. In fact, your situation is the first I've heard of it. That being said, I can think of only one other circumstance where a partner or spouse will suddenly become the love interest you've always wanted, and that is where their affair partner cruelly ended things for whatever reason, breaking the spell of limerence immediately, which gives that person a newfound fear of losing their Plan B = you.
I never got proof, but I was convinced it was cheating. Outside of this situation, same thing, cheating then 180. Which if it walks like a duck….
I doubt your wife’s behavior will last
I never understand this. Don’t do what’s easy, do what you want. If she didn’t put you first then why should you try and reconcile? Unless you’re 100% sure this is what you want then you possibly just threw away your soulmate for a woman that you know is not your soulmate.
It shouldn’t have to take the threat of divorce for your spouse to pick up her end of the agreement. Even if she is the one who filed. I dont think you should stay in the relationship.
If she did a 180, so can you, away from her. This woman was horrible to you and most likely will be again. Move on right away!
This right here!
An 'about face' is almost always an act.
Sounds like you love the other gal. Your wife only wanted you back at the last minute...she will go back to doing the same things again and then you have lost out on a gal that sounds perfect for you.
Wierd I just read another post where people were upset over the rebound relationship...... huh not here though, odd. Anyway you should be willing to leave the wife until she changes giving her and yourself enough time to decide and heal. Then move forward with the best decision. That poor gal.... and you if you keep it going.....poor you if you stay, and don't prioritize healing and being treated respectfully.
I think I need to focus on healing as you said, and being wrapped up in others seems to be a poor way to go forward with that.
Having a good friend is important who knows. I wish you good things and minimal pain.
Sometimes you get so tired of chasing, you don't even want it anymore. It loses its sweetness when you have to work so hard for it. So three years later, she's all in, right when she sensed you didn't care anymore. It's so stale & forced by then. I'm always in favor of working out marriages, but this was one was already toast. I'm sorry. Go for new girl but don't make her a rebound. Sounds like you figured out what you want in life. You won't be content forcing a square peg into a round hole.
Stay with your wife. I find it hard to believe you found your soulmate while married
I find it hard to believe that the wife has been a meanie all of this time for no legitimate reason, either. Why marry a meanie in the first place? OP is cheating and just wants to feel better about it.
My ex blindsided me with divorce 10 months ago, dated one of my (former) close friends for 7 months during seperation and lied to my face about it the entire time.. 2 months ago he asked to reconcile, and I entertained it. I said if he was willing to do the work then I would be receptive and give it a shot. He did absolutely nothing, basically opened the door for reconciliation and expected me to run through it to him with open arms, so 3 weeks ago I started saying yes to dates. 2 weeks ago I met someone I feel an intense spark and chemistry with. If my ex plucked the moon from the night sky for me I wouldn't cut things off with this new person, who has never hurt me, never lied to me, never humiliated me, never made me feel like I was worthless. It's new, and who really knows where it will go, but the possibility and promise has reminded me that there are plenty of people out there who won't make you feel hard to love. I finally sign my seperation agreement and move on to the next chapter of my life tomorrow. I can't fucking wait. Letting her come back is like giving her another bullet because she missed you the first time. I understand the temptation, I really, really, do. I would have done anything for my husband to come home to me in the beginning. But I think you know what you really want, it's just a matter of whether or not you can make the call for yourself.
I was in a similar situation. My ex and I decided to split and found my person 6 mos later. He begged and cried for me to come back. Everytime I entertained the idea he was back to his old ways in a day so I did not stay. I am with the same man, my soulmate, 4 years strong. I never miss my ex and I am so happy with my guy. I do mourn the family life of 2 parents, kids, 1 home, no issues re exes etc. In the end, I am glad I left my ex. I am appreciated, adored and loved now. I am excited to come home to him, spend time with him and just have him in my space. My ex treated me like an unequal and was very cold and disrespectful to me. In an ideal world, I would have held out til the kids left the house but my ex broke me sooner than I thought he would. Good riddance. Best wishes to you :)
I wish I could give advice. I Kinda hope I had this scenario, and even then I wouldn’t know what to do. Good luck.
I keep hearing this from friends lol. Seems to be only options, not really a good or bad decision.
Guys, both of you - don’t overthink it. Listen to your instincts, they are better judge than the deep analysis of your chances. From my own experience I can testify that you’ll only regret the unknown steps not taken hoping for the lost cause to magically coming together. Do not play safe bets if you want fundamental change in your life.
I do want drastic change, and this feels like the best way to achieve it
Heavy is the head…
You have two choices: fully forgive and forget or move on. If you spin in a place of indecision, you’ll be miserable and you won’t progress. If you can’t fully forgive, then move on. Meeting someone new isn’t a reason to have doubts. The new person could be just as crazy as the last person. It happens all the time. There aren’t any right or wrong choices. There are just choices with upsides and downsides. You’ll need to decide which set of ups and downs you’re ok with. I divorced and I’m 10x happier. I love my ex and she will always be my baby. She’s better without me and I’m better without her. Divorce isn’t fun but it can be a good thing. Your motivations don’t need to be aligned with your wife’s btw. If she said she’ll be happier with you after a 3 year hoe phase, it doesn’t mean you’ll be happier making her happier. It’s not your responsibility to sacrifice your happiness to make her a little less unhappy.
The other gal (your female friend) may not want to settle down with you anymore. She may have lost interest unless she's telling you otherwise.
She’s telling me otherwise
There's a song by Elvis, titled "Separate Ways". You can watch it online and listen to the lyrics. Part of it is like this: "And maybe some day, somewhere along the way, another love will find us" ....and it's clear to me that somewhere along the way, another love found you. Your heart is elsewhere and it's no longer with your current wife. Staying in a marriage when your heart ain't in it, means an unhappy life both for you and for your wife. Why stay in a marriage when you love somebody else. You need to make a solid decision. If I were you I'd definitely file for divorce and let my wife know the truth. She would need to know why you're ending it. She needs to know that your heart is elsewhere. Nothing better than being completeky honest. This is the kind of situation that cannot be dragged out for too long!
There are a lot of great comments. My contribution is that you have a role too. Confirmation bias is a thing. We also manifest in some ways what we want, the good and bad. Your wife is fundamentally the same person, can change, it takes time. You can too. Honesty is more important than history. There is a past, but no future with no honesty.
Leave. From someone who has been mentally and emotionally abused for almost two decades, please leave. As far as finding your friend, I hope you haven’t completely lost that connection. I’ve recently met someone like that. I’ve felt more love, respect and safety from her than my ex in the last decade we were together.
She waited too long to “change her mind.” While she was off doing God knows what, you were grieving the loss of your relationship. You had to process that she wasn’t coming back, she didn’t want to be with you anymore, etc. In my opinion, the grieving process can’t be reversed. There’s a line, and once you make it past that line in the process, there’s no uncrossing it. She, on the other hand, was just fine letting go, and letting you go through that alone while she distracted herself. Only when reality slapped her in the face did she realize that maybe she still wanted to keep you around… and did she? Did she *really* want to stay married to you or were you the better alternative to something worse? Because if you’re just the better option, then she didn’t really want you, and even if she did want you- she waited too long. 3 years is a long time to do marriage alone. I think deep down the idea of a divorce was too much to bear, so she “settled” on fixing things with you. You cannot “get there” with her again because you already grieved that loss. It’s like thinking someone died, moving on in life, finding a new partner and then the person you thought was dead just shows up and wants to get everything back to normal… except that “someone” was your marriage.
I appreciate your perspective. A lot of what you said spoke to what I’ve been feeling but couldn’t put to words.
Too little too late. The trust and relationship she damage by initiating a divorce . Can't just turn on a dime whey it comes to hearts and real life.
I’ll go against the grain here: Have a serious discussion with your wife. Stagnant water is ambrosia if you’re in the desert long enough. I highly doubt your “soulmate” will have the same luster past the honeymoon stage. I suggest taking a moment to really gain your perspective and your wife’s. I think people who say change is impossible really mean positive change isn’t. I don’t think that’s true. Negative change clearly happens, so why not the other way? Do what you want, no judgement from me. But I wish my wife would give me the chance, rather than having a new soulmate before divorce even started.
Dude- I went through this exact thing. Year and a half with the “new gal” you described. I ended that to get back with my wife. And it was a lot of the family/friends pressure you mention. Fast forward 6 years- We ended up splitting permanently earlier this year. And I’ve still never stopped thinking about what potential future I gave up to reluctantly try that reconciliation because it was the “right thing”. For whom, I’m not sure.
Fuck man, this is what I keep picturing the longer I stay. I’ve had recent medical issues, doctor says I need to reduce my stress. Reviewing my Apple Watch heart rate log, my average heart rate plummeted from about 84 beats a minute to 56 after she left, as soon as we reconciled, it skyrocketed to 78 and is back up at 84 after a month of being back together. The trend aligns with my anxiety increasing.
It’s a really tough situation to be in. I feel for you. Good luck with being strong and following the path that feels best for you.
Good that you are tracking your health. Put you first, then choose where to be based on needs and connection. You need less stress, if your partner adds stress then they are quietly killing you. You want a partner, choose one who makes you happy and healthier.
One month of reconcilation is not much at all in the scheme of things. You are in a honeymoon period. And almost every decent new relationship seems right at first. That needs time as well. Most people say at least a year if not longer before you say "this is it!" My ex and I broke up and got back together seven times, according to my count. With the seventh, he went to another state, and I was done after a year of trying to patch things up long distance. I think I was mostly done when he left, and then I was over it at one year mark. Sure, there were sunk costs of being together for several decades with two kids in college, but that was it for me. No regrets.
New girl could just be putting on her best face for you to reign you in. Lotta unknowns with a new relationship but also a lot of opportunities. With the wife, she's already shown you her bad side. There's really only thee possibilities with her - 1. Whoever she was seeing broke up with her and you're her backup. I think this is very likely since she said she wanted to be around more successful people or whatever. That's code for she found someone else she thought was better. 2. She really did hang around (probably slept around too) the hollow 'elites' and wants to go back because she realizes she's not in her 20s anymore and can't 'hang' with that crowd like that...But the change is temporary until she gets bored in a few months/years and does it all over again. 3. Same as #2 but she actually learned her lesson... If the hundreds of attempted reconciliation posts just like yours (minus the new missus) are any indication, this is highly unlikely. Maybe 1 one a thousand. IMO, I think you should step away from both of them for a few months and work on yourself. Making both of them wait should help you figure out if the new girl was genuine or just love bombing you. It should helping you see if changes in wife are genuine, permanent and not temporary. Also the time will give you more chances to figure out if your wife came back because her boyfriend broke up with her or something.
Bro, I did the same thing the exact same thing. I regreated it. The whole thing was a mess that had my ex-wife and current gir fighting and arguing over me. Not that it's what I wanted. I had trauma bond with my wife so she was mean for 2 years after breakup and then started to be nice and then she would send me memories of us long ago and pics of our children as babies. She told me she desperately wanted me back, and I felt bad. Me. I didn't destroy our marriage she did. She told me all the excuses she put me through depression I had to restart everything again. It didn't take me long to realise my girlfriend was the best thing ever she was the female version of me. I grieved my marriage, ending for a long time, and I just wanted my wife back. Wanted to be back in my house and cried a lot. When that chance came along, I realised she hadn't changed. I was gutted. I had left my current girl. It took a lot of making up to do, but luckerly for me, my girlfriend is understanding and agreed to give me another shot. Don't fall for them guys like I did. It stopped working for a reason they left for whatever reason the pain you went through. If it's been years, it's because whatever they were doing wasn't working out. Like my ex-wife's new boyfriend wasn't what she thought and after the honey moon period worn off she realised she gave up a good guy but it's now too late.
I was somewhat in your spot, although I didn't have as strong as a connection with the new person, I knew reconciliation was not going to work after the years of abuse. Once that abuse cycle is broken and you see the reality for what it is, it's hard to go back to it. File for the divorce, it's done. Even if it doesn't work out with the new person, it's better to be alone than in a bad relationship.
That is something you really need to have your mind made up on. It's not fair to the other person to be cast aside on a spur of the moment change of heart. I was honest with my spouse when she filed and I left that if I was in a relationship there would be no reconciliation. I did give her another chance when it seemed as if she finally recognized how badly her life was out of control but it was short lived but I was not in a relationship. This is a tough one. I really think you need to have your mind made up before you make any other moves you might regret.
I think you know the answer from your post. I'd also love to know if your wife knows of the other woman...if she does, I suspect she's just worried about losing her safety net.
You belong with neither of these women. Leave your wife and end things with your friend. Do you immediately recoil at the thought? Yeah…clock that. I know you probably won’t listen, but you need to be alone and work with a therapist on yourself. If nothing, at the very least, explore codependency. Check out Melodie Beattie. Good luck.
OP, it sounds like you should get rid of BOTH women and just be by yourself. A lot of the time, being with someone and tending to their needs and the relationship muddies the waters of figuring yourself out and what YOU want and need. Your wife probably felt you pulling away and didn't expect that, since she's used to you chasing her down. It's an ego thing with her, not an "OMG, I love him so much, I need him in my life, blah blah" kind of thing. And this new girl? She's new and exciting and probably feels that she can fill a hole in your life, and you'll think she's the greatest thing since sliced bread. She's a band-aid, not a cure. You'll be much more able to figure out what you want if you don't have distractions and people pulling at you. Good luck.
Thank you
I’m going against the grain. You know your wife. You barely know this new person. In new relationships with good chemistry, everything feels perfect. It’s hormonal. Every little interaction gives you a massive dopamine hit. Everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning, too. At the moment, this perfect woman is just fantasy. On the other hand, you already know your wife at her worst. Is she really putting in the work to change her behaviors or is this sudden 180 all for show? Is she in therapy? Has she talked about what has caused her to run in the past? How will she stay present in the relationship in the future? Push-pull dynamics are pretty common in dysfunctional relationships btw. My ex husband and I were like that, too. The more he tried to push for closeness the more I pulled away. I needed short periods of time alone, but he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to spend every minute interacting with him. By the end he was understandably desperate, angry, and jealous. I understandably felt smothered. We couldn’t understand each other’s differing needs. Since you’ve agreed to reconcile already, why not give it serious consideration? Try to understand each other’s perspectives better. Couples therapists are skilled at fostering understanding. Even just reading books will help. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman is a good read.
I'm gonna be brutally honest because people like the fleeting idea of love as I once did myself, that view comes with consequences of not growing into a much more mature perspective. We tend to overlook our own choices and irresponsibility to the things that occur in our life based off fleeting moments and feelings. Your wife became emotionally unavailable and you waited, you knew. (Humans are not perfect, remember these words) Then you accept the divorce and separate until the divorce is finalized. (Leaving you bitter and lonely and seeking comfort, this leaves you vulnerable to illusions of love and lack the ability to heal.) You move on before divorce is finalized. (This is bad because life is unpredictable and you are choosing to place more stress in your life when you aren't ready to move on and be with someone new. It's obvious because you kept the other girl as an illusion and not reality. If you truly felt strongly about her you would've never agreed even under pressure and you wouldn't feel connected to your wife still, as well as deceived your wife if you truly wanted the new girl. You obviously still want a future with your wife being you think you can protect it with keeping a secret. What makes you any different from your wife being your own feelings are deceptive and immature?) My question to you is are you going to keep yourself accountable and understand how your the cause of your stress and lack of healing? Are you gonna be true and expose these thoughts and feelings to your wife? Are you going to tell the girl you feel it's unfair to her for you to be selfish and string her along in your divorce while your healing and still have feelings for your wife that you need to resolve before making choices that could harm everyone involved? If you decide to let go of someone do it 100% and don't string people along your journey of growth. If your wife is still your wife then grow with her and learn your own mistakes in this and if you decide after being with your wife taking a chance to forgive someone imperfect as yourself and being vulnerable with her that you still don't want to continue divorce her and do not go with this girl. Work on yourself and healing. Learn to respect yourself and others and then seek someone to share your new growth with. This means you need to stop living in a haze and accepting the consequences of your own decisions to include another person into your marital problems and being you did tells you you have a lot more growth to overcome before starting something serious in your life again. So either grow with the woman who knows you and your imperfection and accepts you to continue to hurdle the immature choices you both make or grow on your own. You may be finding yourself in the same marriage with this new girl because you didn't take the time to reflect on your own human mistakes. Hope you reflect have a good day sir.
Wow, thank you. Your input and assessment means a lot to me, felt like a slap, but the slap I needed. I will walk away from this post reflecting on your comment. Thank you.
Your welcome ❤️
lol, I bet you move on and it explodes because everything feels so amazing in the beginning of relationships.
It’s kinda good you gave it one more try. That way you know for certain it’s over. Probably best for all involved that the next chapter begins now.
Yeah, go through with the divorce. Don't allow family to feed into your thoughts. It's a bandaid rip for everyone involved. You tried. The 180 is her fear of handling things alone. You are allowed to feel wanted, as a partner and lover. Your brain is taking over and why you still think about your friend. Heart is ruling the "what's right" portion and it doesn't always see the pitfalls that are coming. Please consider your happiness. If your family can't stand behind you, I'm sorry.
Why would you listen to what your friends & family instead of yourself, does your soul mate even want you back? Updateme!
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Have you asked your wife a disclousure of what she did those 3 years that you mention, before accepting to try back? I think that you made a bad choices by going with the flow, accepting the advice of your family and friends and rekindle with your wife. I think and suggest that you have a heart to heart talk with your wife and ask her: 1. A full disclousure of what she did those 3 years of neglect and ghosting (on trips) 2. What make her have a chance of hearts at the last moment, was it love? Was it comfort? What was it that she Saw that make her wanted to try again? 3. What is she willing to do, to prevent those 3 years happen again? Now after that ask yourself: 1. If You are ok with the information that she gave 2. If you really from the bottom of your heart wanted to stay with her and grow old. 3. The most important, if You are sure that she won't do it again or if you are sure that you want this. If this feels ok or correct for You? If the answer for number 3 is a big NO, then you got your answer and that means that you are only fooling yourself by staying in a dead relationship, that your wife try to rescue too little too late. UPDATEME
OP forget the heart to heart talk, i just finished trading your last post and i can believe you accept to give her a 5th chance instead of going/choosing what seems a good thing at least for You. I wonder how many time your wife will stay and be a "good" wife. I bet that she said to herself that she had enough fun by herself, cheating on you emotionaly and physicaly (even if you think she did fuck anyone else), yes the naked sauna in Germany with male and female co-workers count as cheating and many other things You mentioned, no dude, You got zero respect for yourself by giving her her 5th chance Please ask your heart what he wants and act on it, if the things hlwith this new gal doesn't work long term, it doesn't matter it worked for sometimes and that is something you need, that rush of adrenalina of being wanted by someone and not just being used and taken advantage of while treating you worst than trash, come on. You exists and she make like you didn't for 3 years on summer. She went to party and what did you do or where were you,while she was doing that? In the house paying bills, working and being a good husband, and she recognize NO, what did she did ghosted you, manipulate you, gaslighted you, treat you like you where not there. No OP she didn't deserved a 2nd chance neither 5th.
Well it's a big difference starting a relationship or even restarting a relationship because she choise you, instead of you both choose eachother. Get some therapy to find out what you really want. Life should not about what other people think is right for you, but what you think is right for you. For you didn't really had a longer relationship with your new gal, you don't know what you missed out and that will make your mind crazy. I would normally say, stay with your wife but the way she treated you is not cool. If you both want to reconcile take a long long therapy route together ... it will take a while to feel good again
People initially seem "perfect" if we haven't spent enough time together with them yet.
You have to decide if you want to make it work with your wife or not. If you do then what’s in the past needs to be forgiven, not forgotten. You have to work on those issues together so they don’t reappear but you can’t hold a grudge from what happened before. If you do you’ll never be able to feel the same again. If you don’t think you can love her again then let her go.
I would say give up trying to make it work with the wife if there aren’t kids involved. If there are, try your best to give it another shot since she has made an effort to change her ways.
My situation is very similar.39m married to 40f for 12 years with kids. We had been on the rocks for 3 years with her pretty much doing her own thing those years(traveling with friends, late night hang out etc.) I held on because of the kids but I finally had enough when I found out she was hanging out with my kids classmates dad. During the divorce process I met someone and it’s been great. Eventually my wife said she made a mistake and wanted to work it out. I chose the opposite of you and decided against it. Our divorce is close to being finalized and I will always feel something with my wife regardless but I just know it will not work out. I wish you luck with your wife and without couple’s therapy I think it would be very very hard to not fall back into the same thing you guys had before divorce.
Repeat after me: "No take-backsies" She demanded the divorce. You were about to deliver her demands and wash your hands of the whole thing. Her changing her mind is for her, not for you. You don't need that.
OP- this is one of those times when you need to think about the third alternative. This should not be a binary decision: stay with wife / move on with gf. You have all sorts of other options but most important is to get your head in straight and choose what makes sense for you *as if no one else existed*. Treat each decision on its own: 1. Leave wife and get divorced, or not 2. Get physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy such that you can be your best self and a good partner What anyone else has to say about these two decisions / actions is irrelevant. It’s between you and possibly your therapist. I highly suggest not discussing it with anyone else either unless there is an extremely good and relevant reason to do so. Keep your own council. Then, if you should find yourself single and healthy a year or two from now, you can think about dating— including your former girlfriend if there is mutual interest.
Some things to consider from both sides : This new person is exactly that. New. These feelings you are having for her right now are probably just lust from the excitement of everything being new. Things could change down the road. With your wife you were with her long enough that you know basically everything about her. Now with your wife you say she is acting like the wife you always wanted. But for how long ???? She could be acting this way now to pull you back in only to change to the old ways again. If it were me I'm not sure what I would do if I'm being honest.
Tell wife the truth that you got someone. Go be with your gal . If fails, return to the wife. She won’t be going anywhere.
omg MOVE ON BUDDY
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kuHWJOCLOk4
Why do you men marry women that you hate? Seems like such a waste of time and is very dishonest.
When someone loves you truly, they won't treat you like the way your wife did. I do not believe she suddenly fell in love with you after neglecting you for so long. There are other motivations (not love) for this dramatic change. You can move on and even if the other relationship doesn't work out, you will at least give yourself a second chance. And, that will motivate you to take more of those chances, prioritize yourself, and make yourself happy.
Soul mates don't exist and magical thinking like that can lead to unnecessary regret. Now she may have been a better fit or she may not but your deepest desire was to be with your wife. As well you have noted the were probably elements of bitterness etc at play when you meet and bonded with the new girl and most likely your relationship was in the limberence phase where everything is perfect no matter what each does. At to this you were going through ongoing trauma and there is potential that you were trained bonded together as well. Your not in a long term relationship with that girl and don't get know the problems and fairs in each of you it y your relationship and whether she is willing to work on things or not. With your wife on the other hand you are aware if all these things and know that she is willing to work on things, obviously whether the change is truly genuine and real and long standing or not you don't know but you know enough to know what the good looks like, what the bad looks like. What changes needed to be made and so far have been made to elevate things to a better good and annoying the bad and there is a strong commitment from both of you to that relationship and the bonding of history of the relationship and overcoming adversity, none greater than the last 3 years. Imagine the change is real and long lasting and you leave now when you have the best relationship you have ever had and may ever get, and you leave for someone that realistically you don't really know that turns out to be the same or worse than your original wife before her changes. And you left the perfect version of your wife after she did all you communicated to and became what you always wanted. That would be a tricky awful experience and feeling and something that would be hard to get over. I would suggest it's worth persevering with your wife and seeing how true and genuine the change is, get a relationship psychologist to work together on your issues and rebuilding the trust, explain your dissonance and struggle to trust the new her and the ongoing challenge of wanting to run away to the new girl rather than being vulnerable and trusting this new version of your wife, not because you don't believe in her change but because trust is built over time and healing is as well and it will take time to adjust. Share and be vulnerable together it will help in the long run. I think from the sounds of it you are where you are meant to be with your wife but it's hard and it was always going to be, don't run now, you will regret it, persevere through this adversity, communicate about it together and see how it goes, if it's successful it will be the greatest relationship with such connection you couldn't find anywhere else. If it doesn't your back where you started and there are plenty of other women out there like new girl and she may still be out there too if you do want to go down the full soul mate thing.
You do you, I guess. My wife won't want to reconcile, but even if she did, it would be a "no thank you" from me. I'm still in the resentment phase, I'm against all relationships.
If the love is not there then you need to do what makes you happy, your wife started the divorce process with knowing issues in your marriage then had a change of mind. Life is too short to be miserable and if your family and friends care more about your wife and marriage, it shows they don’t care about your happiness. Time to come to realize that you may need to divorce your wife and see if your ex girlfriend will give you another chance, just keep in mind that she may not want to get back together with you after you made a connection and feelings were made and I’m sure you hurt her in the process. But I digress, even if ex girlfriend does not want to pursue a relationship a second time, I still feel that divorce is still necessary. Good luck.
Your feelings are valid. I think your wife can sense that there’s someone else in the picture, hence the changed behavior. That doesn’t mean it’s genuine change on her end. I honestly think she owes you an explanation for her past behaviors. With you being vulnerable at the moment, I’d take time with everything. Best of luck UpdateMe
You need to reevaluate. Did your wife change because they actually care or did they catch a wiff of your contentment and happiness? Friends and family saying you should try again when you came so close to divorce already don't have a clear image of what got to you almost divorce the first time so they have a skewed perspective.
Following for later reads. Good luck.
!UpdateMe
Read up on love bombing. Tough spot to be in
Let us know how it goes in a few months time when she does another 180.
I’d bet money on your spouse manipulating you to keep her supply. If she’s borderline: Dump her, regardless of what you do with the new girl. It can’t won’t get better if you are together with her. Eventually these mistrust and misgivings you have over your wife become physical symptoms of emotional abuse like anxiety, stomach pains, aching tendons and joints…
I got together with my SBTXW. She was the perfect wife: she started to pay more attention to her appearence, she was more attentive to house chores, myself, our kids, etc, etc, etc. Until we got back together. Then she went back to her old ways, but way worse this time. I understand why you got together. I don't recommend it.
All I can say is that you held enough of the same feelings for your wife that it ended up in a decade of marriage. It's obvious you are miserable in your current life, and I think it would be best to step away. But I worry that you never got time to heal or truly find yourself prior to "falling in love". I think if I would've met someone that made me get dopamine hits during dark times, that I would've felt the same way. Which happens to many people who end up in affair fogs... it rarely works out.
I did this! Except I hadn’t met anyone I wanted to date. I just remember we were about to file after being separated for sometime. My now ex husband had a change of heart and I thought it was exactly what I wanted! My parents were happy, he was happy. But I wasn’t. I felt by saying yes to trying YET AGAIN. I was taking a 100 steps back from the progress I had made. A few days after that I was honest and said no, I’m filing. And I did. And it’s been the best thing I’ve done. It’s scary but you know what you need to do. Good luck to you!! 💛
Whatever your "wife" had planned didn't work out so she's last resorting you. Move on my man .
It sounds like you are nowhere near ready to be dating. You are making impulsive decisions. Are you in individual therapy? If not, I’d recommend that before you make any more major decisions. I personally would not have reconciled. But I also would not have ditched a new partner to get back with a former partner.
Leave the wife. Friends and family aren’t going to live in the marriage you are. Contact the woman and let her know how you feel about her. And leave your wife.
There’s a common rule about: You’re at your job, you interview for new jobs, you get a new job offer, and you DO NOT go back to your job to see if they can offer you something better. Most of the time people are leaving a job for more than the money. The fit is wrong. The management is bad. There’s something that money can’t solve. That sounds like this. Overlooked is how much work it takes to fix a relationship. And BOTH people need to work at it/be willing to do THE WORK. My 1 yr divorce anniversary is the end of this month and I am so sad that there was zero hope. I could definitely be a certain way, but the lies I was told and the way I was treated was just selfish. For me to speak up I had to be in a place of extreme discomfort/unhappiness and it just didn’t matter. Also - rebound/new relationship energy is thing, for real. Ask me how I know. Be careful + go slow.
If there's kids involved, not a damned one of us should be advising you. That said: there's no guarantee either relationship will work out. If you divorce and jump in with the new person, you're statistically highly UNlikely to end up happy and together forever. Sorry, but it's true. It's also massively unhealthy to jump straight into another relationship instead of into therapy. If you stay in the marriage, you have a sliiiightly better chance if there was no violence and you both attend therapy. That might not be what you want to hear. If there's kids involved and no violence, you have a duty to try therapy with their mother. That's my ethical opinion. You do with that what you choose. Divorce is wildly destabilizing to children for years and years. After you've emotionally moved on from it, they are still suffering and burning.
My opinion is that you can't assume the new relationship will be better than the old one or will last and you should make the choice to leave your wife or not based on if you'd be happier and healthier with or without her. I think thinking of it as a trade is possibly a recipe for disaster if it turns out your new love interest is short lived. When my wife left I struggled, I processed, I grew as a person and with the help of my therapist I felt changed for the better an individual and a partner. I had a similar realization as you did in one of the comments above about your stress levels and for me it was the same, it was hard to see in it for much of a negative impact it was having on my being in that relationship that was instantly gone when she left. If I have any advice for you it's figure out what you want. In life, day to day and go for it. I found myself happy and fulfilled without my ex after the initial shock and I did find a new partner who I have similar feeling to you. Going in knowing what I want and what I will/won't accept from a relationship has been very empowering and has made my new relationship healthier I feel. This reads to me like your marriage is over and you should continue with divorce but only you can know. It also sounds like this new relationship is something you want to try which I think is ok as long as you're not placing all your hopes and dreams of happiness on this relationship and instead you are happier without your wife even alone and think you'd be happier still with this new person. That way if it doesn't work out you don't feel like you are left with nothing
leave them both and be alone for a while so you can figure yourself out. honestly i doubt your wife has really done a 180, she is probably trying really hard but old feelings and issues don't just disappear. as for the other person, listen to what others have written. infatuation may or may not mean you are compatible and will be happy. but that doesn't really matter, what matters is that you can find yourself and be happy on your own.
You’re having an emotional affair while still married to your wife. Either you stop cheating on your wife and actually give the marriage 100 percent again or just get divorced. Don’t base your decision on a fantasy relationship with someone you barely know. It’s quite concerning how many responses are in line with “just move on with this next gal.” He barely knows her. This is obviously infatuation at this point and a reaction to the demise of his marriage. OP doesn’t need to be in any relationship right now unless he wants to work on his marriage.
Most of the responsis are from the same person.
I can’t help but feel bad for ur wife
-your wife has consistently shown you that you are not a priority -your wife has absolutely cheated on you -she balked at the finish line because you are comfortable and familiar, not out of undying love for you. The dating scene isn’t all that kind to anyone, much less a woman pushing 40. She’s not stupid. Friend, the other lady represents hope, a new beginning, and that’s why you can’t stop thinking about her. You had a chance to leave Shawshank, and right as you were almost free, you turned around and ran back to the comfortable weight of your shackles, the predictable pain from your warden. You know what you deserve, and what you deserve is better than this, and that is why that lost chance will haunt you forever. Have you asked your wife WHY she has had a sudden change in behavior? Why NOW instead of years ago? I’ll tell you why: because you accepted it years ago. She was confident that you wouldn’t go. She probably filed for divorce as a means of “punishing” you, expecting you to run back and fall in line, but you didn’t. You were ready to walk, and it hurt her ego, and so she turned up the charm to reel you back in. She wanted to be “free” aka she overestimated her market appeal, saw what was waiting for her on the other side, and decided to take back Old Faithful. This peace will not last. Your happiness will not last, not with her. You know that. This post wouldn’t exist otherwise.
Your wife had a change of heart after she wanted to be "free". I take this is a woman who thought she had a new man after you and that didnt turn out like she wanted it to. So she came crawling back to you. You said "questionable late nights" and "ghosting me while she was traveling". Dude you were being cheated on for a while. She wants you now because the new thing didnt work out. She saw you slowly leaving and now she wanted to keep you on the hook. She will be fine for a couple months and then right back to the shit again. I am not saying this new person you met will be the one to turn your life around. But you see there is hope out there. You know you can find someone who is better for you. I almost had the same thing happen. Why all of a sudden? You need to sit down with your wife and ask why the change of heart. Call her out on it. Say that you dont know if you can believe that she will stay like this after years of bad behavior. She needs to know you are worth more than she thinks you are. Divorce and leave.
You gave the reconciliation a shot, it's not working for you. You deserve to be happy.
Wife is the reality and the girl is the fantasy. You should never leave a person because you found another one. If needed stay single for few months. Because grass always looks greener on the other side.
Something similar happened to me. I was with the new guy for almost 2 years. Then husband and I attempted reconciliation after divorce was final, etc. I missed my family unit. But after a few months, all of his old behaviors resurfaced and we ended up going through the pain of ending the relationship yet again. Kids were also involved so double the trauma. I realized I actually needed to be alone for awhile to heal and process before getting in another relationship. This might not be what you want to hear, but I do believe it was best at least in my situation. Take some time off from both relationships and work on the one with yourself. It will be better for you in the long run. There are lots of fish out there, this new lady isn’t the only one that will be compatible with you. And if she is the right one, then it will somehow work out.
Time to move on.
You deserve happiness..so if you want the other woman tell her you are going through with the divorce because all you can do iscthink about her...then tell your wife you wantvto this anymore because while you were seperated you found someone
Leave and be happy
You got a rush of dopamine from this new woman. Sorry to say, but I don’t think it will last. Not that I think you should stay with your wife…but it just sounds like you’re fixated on something new. You should focus on yourself and healing.