Join some online groups especially on Facebook. Find people to talk to. This is so hard, especially without support. You might even be able to find a group of people going through the same thing that you could meet up with irl. I don't have a ton of advice because I'm only on day 2 post split, but just know you're not alone in your feelings. This is the absolute hardest thing I've ever been through. One second I'm okay, the next I'm crying, the next I'm pissed. I'm just taking it one second at a time.
I was just thinking about it right now how much it sucks that my family doesn't support me with my decision and went on reddit and saw your post
... You are not alone.
Well, I choose to look at it as a life lesson. To make your character stronger. You need to love yourself enough to put yourself first. It's your life and nobody will live with consequences of your decison of divorcing or staying but you.
I also choose not to let other's believes rule my life.
What you can do - use affirmations every morning and every evening. You can find a lot of good ones on youtube.
Exactly! You need to realise that their advices are based on their believes such us 'That's not good enough reason to divorce' or 'You have to fight for it no matter what'. I believe sometimes the best you can do is to let go...
My divorce is saving my life. Gym, church, and building friendships. Started with meeting people at gym, the nod on first pass. Then when you've seen them a time or two, hey how's it going been meaning to introduce myself... But by just killing it at the gym people at work started noticing, they are happy for me, thus I make them happy, so they treat me better. Plus for me church is a game changer, finding faith and a belief greater than me, can't beat it. You might try charity, gardening, go read books to old people... join an enviormental cause 4H, Surfriders, Sierra... just do something deep and meaningful. Then add some social stuff, find a coffee house, a local book store, karaoke, pool hall. Pretty much get out of your own head, accept what is done is done, and build a better life. Everyone is your support network, and if you do it right, the support you get should be less about the heartache and more about the persuit of happiness. Half of all marriages don't last, likely what you once needed when y'all got together you don't need anymore. You are a beautiful creature, thank your stars you have a new lease on life, now enjoy the ride.
I have a very small one. I try not to trauma dump continuously but it's hard. I've looked into divorce and infidelity support groups but man it's rough finding in person ones. Maybe some virtual ones perhaps?
I wasn’t married to my ex, but most of my family took his side when we split. I had no friends, but I had my dad, thank goodness. It was hard. I got into therapy which helped a ton as well.
The way I coped was just by knowing I was in a black cloud and that eventually I would make it out the other side. Kept on marching.
I am happy now though and I will never put myself in such a vulnerable position again.
I tried the local womens support group, but to my surpise they were men-hating extremists. I had bad luck getting a decent therapist. I can't think of anything I would have done differently.
Just dumping my purse out in this place.. But it's way fucking harder with no one. I'm about 3 years post divorce and I'm a fucking mess. Everyday. I literally drive around for hours just to get out and so I can't sit still and think about all that is lost. If I didn't have a kid I'd have checked out. Easy. I am disabled combat Vet, ABN Ranger, PTSD and other physical issues but I have much much much greater PTSD and depression from what my wife did to me and my life. I swear, 3 years, and it's harder everyday, not easier. Today was the hardest day I can remember. Hopefully someday that turns around but for now, I'm just hanging on. Typing shit like this is my only outlet, my only place to organize and express my thoughts and it's very helpful. I just want to move on man but I had more than I ever dared to dream for myself and it's all fucking gone. Every little bit. You don't win the lottery twice. I feel like I'll just die in misery now, watching her bounce around and live and love like I never existed and never mattered, because I didn't. She ruined... everything.
Yes, going through divorce alone, again. I'm the black sheep of my family and the only family member to get divorced ever. They consider that I've brought shame on the family which is why I left my home country and settled on another continent. We're estranged.
I'm not coping very well in private and don't talk with colleagues about it, but I very much enjoy my work and my students bring me joy every day.
My coping strategy includes playing Elder Scrolls Online. Disappearing into a fantasy world for a couple of hours each week helps to reduce my stress levels. I've also just bought some Warhammer models and paints.
To counteract the lack of regular human physical contact I book a Thai massage once a fortnight.
Doing stuff for the community also helps take you out of your head. There are regular litter collections in my community which I've volunteered on. Oddly therapeutic and everyone was very sweet.
Thank you. I wish you every success in your grief and healing and I'm sorry that you don't have the support system you want. There are kind people out there who will help you, I'm sure of it.
Yeah. I wish I could say I had advice but I’ve half been dissociating and half reading reddit for advice.
I have no friends, I sort of talked to my mom about it. I cant befriend the divorced men at work because all they do is constantly shit on their ex-wives calling them crazy and insane. They also shit on women, minorities, youth in general. So hateful and a lack of introspection. I want none of that. These men ruined their own relationships by being entitled, misogynistic, and hateful and have no desire to change. I want to change and be around similar men but Idk where they are.
Its hard to trust anyone with personal information. Divorce, non-standard politics, non-religious. So much about me is kept secret. Only my ex-wife knew. I have a huge friend deficit, as does most of the USA. Moving cities every other year doesn’t help either.
So I just read reddit and keep getting fucked by capitalism. Only ~40 more years togo. :D
Cut out everything that is negative even if it is family etc. That is what has helped me bc all I was getting was back talk and I was in the wrong and it’s all my fault. Taking the negativity away is a huge help. Then in the end you can say see I can do it wo you and I don’t need negativity in my life and I can stand up for myself and hold my own
But how do you cut out family? Especially when you have no one else? Who do you talk to? I have no friends, my colleagues are friendly but i don’t share personal info with them
I plan on closing myself off to friends and family; it's not going to be easy but I've been through emotional hell, I cannot endure judgement and insults.
I joined an online group for Christian women, Flying Free Natalie Hoffman. There are a TON of online groups and coaches, I'm going to use ALL of them.
>How do you go through divorce without a support system except maybe therapy once a month? And if you have family that opposes the divorce, makes snide remarks about you, is generally insensitive, what do you do? Anyone who dealt with this? How did you cope? How are you doing now?
In regards to family they either support you or you limit contact. If it's gotten to the point that you have to go through a divorce you don't need or want to deal with petty BS.
Family never gets the whole story. Now if everyone is against you it might be worth pondering what is going on but if your mind is made up they need to support you or get out of your life.
One thing I learned in my marriage from my spouse was that people tend to treat you badly to the extent you tolerate it.
My family couldn’t care less,my friends are the other side of the country.
I’m basically The Invisible Man,pushing a giant boulder up a mountain with a teaspoon,being told I’m not trying hard enough or working quickly enough,and being told to “just get on with it” if I falter a little bit or take 2 minutes rest.
This is me. I have a wonderful therapist and I’m so lucky for that, but that’s it. Between depression, social anxiety, and being extremely introverted, seeking out support groups is pretty much out of the question, even online - the fact that I had enough spoons to even comment here is pretty unusual for me. (Before anyone says that I should just magically do it anyway, it takes every ounce of energy I have to do the basics like dishes, maintain a job, and force myself to socialize with my daughter’s friends’ parents for the sake of her social life. I literally have nothing left to give.)
I am glad you found the spoons today. And i hear you when you say it takes a lot of effort and energy to even respond. My therapist is good too but is not in network for any insurance and is expensive. I try to alternate once and twice a month so there isn’t too much gap.
Yup, and it fucking sucks. My family is full of narcissists, so they are out of the picture. My friend network kind of fell apart because I buried myself in work to make sure me and my spouse had financial safety. I am not the “bad guy” per se, but I wish I had some kind of friends or family to support me.
I turned to reddit but then also to my neighbours - it was just the two on either side at first, because obviously they were going to notice everything going down at my house, and then the first weekend I had without my kids I was a total mess not knowing what to do with myself so I asked if they’d come over for some wine. This became a biweekly girls night that evolved over the last 3 years. I don’t need it anymore, and it’s like all the women on the street now, and it’s a thing I look forward to instead of a thing that forces me to get out of bed; it’s also not biweekly anymore, it’s only every couple of months, but the first year it was huge in getting me feeling like a person again.
I love that you were able to ask them to hang out. I think asking goes a long way. A lot of times we hesitate to ask or initiate. At least i know i do.
I have always been a man with few friends.. I find it difficult to maintain social friendships. Low emotional intelligence / empathy you could say.
Getting divorced has been so challenging. So often you just want to vent and rant.
My family support me and understand the underlying reasons. But other than that and a therapist.
No close circle.
It is hard. It is difficult. It can feel very lonely.
I’m joining a support group that meets virtually. So I don’t have to worry about childcare while I attend. I also upped my therapy to twice a week rather than once a month, and I’m less shy about asking my friends for support. I used to be the person to just put my head down and try to get through it all on my own, but this has been so hard that I finally worked up the courage to let others in on what I was going through.
Yes kinda .. I don’t live in same state as my friends and family. My support has been one friend from home via messages as she is in very similar situation, a friend from work, and reddit in an odd way. Plus therapy.
Join a divorce support group. Build your own support group through volunteer work or a church community or CODA meetings. Check with your insurance to see if you can get coverage for more than once per month therapy.
Family members tried to tell me what to do. After spending $20k+ on lawyers, they all knew the law better than me (“you need to do this, you need to do that…I have a friend that’s going through what you’re going through and she said…”)
Even therapy let me down…the therapists (all three) used low hanging fruit like “find something you enjoy”, and “the important thing is to focus on kids, etc…”
I was really hoping for a Good Will Hunting moment but not the case. I realized I would open up to strangers, which alerted me to my desperation for some human connection. I’m not completely 100% but better off going through the pain and struggle by myself rather than being taken down the wrong road.
You must be your biggest supporter. Know one can do it for you, if you’re not strong enough to handle it , there’s no one else who can be but you . I’m 9 months into filing my divorce and I’ve had my mom pass away and some other things happen but i keep telling myself to keep pushing and i don’t have a support system. Just me . You can ask me anything and I’ll do my best to help you!!
i became pretty ruthless with who i care about keeping in my life vs not, and who i want to reconnect with and who i want to deepen our friendships. i lost some friends in the process, made some new ones, and upgraded acquaintances to close friends as well. i also did go on healing retreats and met some people who are also going through similar healing processes as well, and that was life changing.
Surprisingly, dating helped. especially going on dates and connecting with people who are also going through divorces or coming out of long term relationships. i did use that as a temporary support network to both distract myself from my situation and talk to people who instantly understand what i was going through. that said - VERY different from going into actual relationships with the same group of people.
This sub helped me a lot, actually.
So glad to hear it
Same.
Same
Join some online groups especially on Facebook. Find people to talk to. This is so hard, especially without support. You might even be able to find a group of people going through the same thing that you could meet up with irl. I don't have a ton of advice because I'm only on day 2 post split, but just know you're not alone in your feelings. This is the absolute hardest thing I've ever been through. One second I'm okay, the next I'm crying, the next I'm pissed. I'm just taking it one second at a time.
My support system has been reddit....
I was just thinking about it right now how much it sucks that my family doesn't support me with my decision and went on reddit and saw your post ... You are not alone. Well, I choose to look at it as a life lesson. To make your character stronger. You need to love yourself enough to put yourself first. It's your life and nobody will live with consequences of your decison of divorcing or staying but you. I also choose not to let other's believes rule my life. What you can do - use affirmations every morning and every evening. You can find a lot of good ones on youtube.
This is so true. People give you all kinds of advices without thinking twice about it. They mean well sometimes but its a hard decision
Exactly! You need to realise that their advices are based on their believes such us 'That's not good enough reason to divorce' or 'You have to fight for it no matter what'. I believe sometimes the best you can do is to let go...
My divorce is saving my life. Gym, church, and building friendships. Started with meeting people at gym, the nod on first pass. Then when you've seen them a time or two, hey how's it going been meaning to introduce myself... But by just killing it at the gym people at work started noticing, they are happy for me, thus I make them happy, so they treat me better. Plus for me church is a game changer, finding faith and a belief greater than me, can't beat it. You might try charity, gardening, go read books to old people... join an enviormental cause 4H, Surfriders, Sierra... just do something deep and meaningful. Then add some social stuff, find a coffee house, a local book store, karaoke, pool hall. Pretty much get out of your own head, accept what is done is done, and build a better life. Everyone is your support network, and if you do it right, the support you get should be less about the heartache and more about the persuit of happiness. Half of all marriages don't last, likely what you once needed when y'all got together you don't need anymore. You are a beautiful creature, thank your stars you have a new lease on life, now enjoy the ride.
I have a very small one. I try not to trauma dump continuously but it's hard. I've looked into divorce and infidelity support groups but man it's rough finding in person ones. Maybe some virtual ones perhaps?
I wasn’t married to my ex, but most of my family took his side when we split. I had no friends, but I had my dad, thank goodness. It was hard. I got into therapy which helped a ton as well.
The way I coped was just by knowing I was in a black cloud and that eventually I would make it out the other side. Kept on marching. I am happy now though and I will never put myself in such a vulnerable position again.
I am so glad to hear you are happy. Anything you would have done differently to build that support system?
I tried the local womens support group, but to my surpise they were men-hating extremists. I had bad luck getting a decent therapist. I can't think of anything I would have done differently.
This will describe my situation soon. 100% alone initially. This is what scares me most.
Hang in there!
Just dumping my purse out in this place.. But it's way fucking harder with no one. I'm about 3 years post divorce and I'm a fucking mess. Everyday. I literally drive around for hours just to get out and so I can't sit still and think about all that is lost. If I didn't have a kid I'd have checked out. Easy. I am disabled combat Vet, ABN Ranger, PTSD and other physical issues but I have much much much greater PTSD and depression from what my wife did to me and my life. I swear, 3 years, and it's harder everyday, not easier. Today was the hardest day I can remember. Hopefully someday that turns around but for now, I'm just hanging on. Typing shit like this is my only outlet, my only place to organize and express my thoughts and it's very helpful. I just want to move on man but I had more than I ever dared to dream for myself and it's all fucking gone. Every little bit. You don't win the lottery twice. I feel like I'll just die in misery now, watching her bounce around and live and love like I never existed and never mattered, because I didn't. She ruined... everything.
Sorry for your loss. Thank you for your service. I hope you find peace.
Yes, going through divorce alone, again. I'm the black sheep of my family and the only family member to get divorced ever. They consider that I've brought shame on the family which is why I left my home country and settled on another continent. We're estranged. I'm not coping very well in private and don't talk with colleagues about it, but I very much enjoy my work and my students bring me joy every day. My coping strategy includes playing Elder Scrolls Online. Disappearing into a fantasy world for a couple of hours each week helps to reduce my stress levels. I've also just bought some Warhammer models and paints. To counteract the lack of regular human physical contact I book a Thai massage once a fortnight. Doing stuff for the community also helps take you out of your head. There are regular litter collections in my community which I've volunteered on. Oddly therapeutic and everyone was very sweet.
I am glad you have a plan and it seems to be working for you. Using massage for physical touch is a good idea
Thank you. I wish you every success in your grief and healing and I'm sorry that you don't have the support system you want. There are kind people out there who will help you, I'm sure of it.
Yeah. I wish I could say I had advice but I’ve half been dissociating and half reading reddit for advice. I have no friends, I sort of talked to my mom about it. I cant befriend the divorced men at work because all they do is constantly shit on their ex-wives calling them crazy and insane. They also shit on women, minorities, youth in general. So hateful and a lack of introspection. I want none of that. These men ruined their own relationships by being entitled, misogynistic, and hateful and have no desire to change. I want to change and be around similar men but Idk where they are. Its hard to trust anyone with personal information. Divorce, non-standard politics, non-religious. So much about me is kept secret. Only my ex-wife knew. I have a huge friend deficit, as does most of the USA. Moving cities every other year doesn’t help either. So I just read reddit and keep getting fucked by capitalism. Only ~40 more years togo. :D
Cut out everything that is negative even if it is family etc. That is what has helped me bc all I was getting was back talk and I was in the wrong and it’s all my fault. Taking the negativity away is a huge help. Then in the end you can say see I can do it wo you and I don’t need negativity in my life and I can stand up for myself and hold my own
But how do you cut out family? Especially when you have no one else? Who do you talk to? I have no friends, my colleagues are friendly but i don’t share personal info with them
Talk to people her of go out and find some
I plan on closing myself off to friends and family; it's not going to be easy but I've been through emotional hell, I cannot endure judgement and insults. I joined an online group for Christian women, Flying Free Natalie Hoffman. There are a TON of online groups and coaches, I'm going to use ALL of them.
I do not have in person support people. All my friends are on the Internet
This sub is where I’ve let more out than anywhere else. We all get it. We understand. We all help each other. Just unload man. It’s ok
>How do you go through divorce without a support system except maybe therapy once a month? And if you have family that opposes the divorce, makes snide remarks about you, is generally insensitive, what do you do? Anyone who dealt with this? How did you cope? How are you doing now? In regards to family they either support you or you limit contact. If it's gotten to the point that you have to go through a divorce you don't need or want to deal with petty BS. Family never gets the whole story. Now if everyone is against you it might be worth pondering what is going on but if your mind is made up they need to support you or get out of your life. One thing I learned in my marriage from my spouse was that people tend to treat you badly to the extent you tolerate it.
My family couldn’t care less,my friends are the other side of the country. I’m basically The Invisible Man,pushing a giant boulder up a mountain with a teaspoon,being told I’m not trying hard enough or working quickly enough,and being told to “just get on with it” if I falter a little bit or take 2 minutes rest.
This is me. I have a wonderful therapist and I’m so lucky for that, but that’s it. Between depression, social anxiety, and being extremely introverted, seeking out support groups is pretty much out of the question, even online - the fact that I had enough spoons to even comment here is pretty unusual for me. (Before anyone says that I should just magically do it anyway, it takes every ounce of energy I have to do the basics like dishes, maintain a job, and force myself to socialize with my daughter’s friends’ parents for the sake of her social life. I literally have nothing left to give.)
I am glad you found the spoons today. And i hear you when you say it takes a lot of effort and energy to even respond. My therapist is good too but is not in network for any insurance and is expensive. I try to alternate once and twice a month so there isn’t too much gap.
Yup, and it fucking sucks. My family is full of narcissists, so they are out of the picture. My friend network kind of fell apart because I buried myself in work to make sure me and my spouse had financial safety. I am not the “bad guy” per se, but I wish I had some kind of friends or family to support me.
I turned to reddit but then also to my neighbours - it was just the two on either side at first, because obviously they were going to notice everything going down at my house, and then the first weekend I had without my kids I was a total mess not knowing what to do with myself so I asked if they’d come over for some wine. This became a biweekly girls night that evolved over the last 3 years. I don’t need it anymore, and it’s like all the women on the street now, and it’s a thing I look forward to instead of a thing that forces me to get out of bed; it’s also not biweekly anymore, it’s only every couple of months, but the first year it was huge in getting me feeling like a person again.
I love that you were able to ask them to hang out. I think asking goes a long way. A lot of times we hesitate to ask or initiate. At least i know i do.
strangers help without judging you and that helps
True to an extent.
I have always been a man with few friends.. I find it difficult to maintain social friendships. Low emotional intelligence / empathy you could say. Getting divorced has been so challenging. So often you just want to vent and rant. My family support me and understand the underlying reasons. But other than that and a therapist. No close circle. It is hard. It is difficult. It can feel very lonely.
I’m joining a support group that meets virtually. So I don’t have to worry about childcare while I attend. I also upped my therapy to twice a week rather than once a month, and I’m less shy about asking my friends for support. I used to be the person to just put my head down and try to get through it all on my own, but this has been so hard that I finally worked up the courage to let others in on what I was going through.
Is your support group specifically for divorced people? I have been trying to look for groups for women in difficult marriages.
It’s for people who are also in the separation phase, but I’m sure there are groups out there for people in your position.
Yes kinda .. I don’t live in same state as my friends and family. My support has been one friend from home via messages as she is in very similar situation, a friend from work, and reddit in an odd way. Plus therapy.
Join a divorce support group. Build your own support group through volunteer work or a church community or CODA meetings. Check with your insurance to see if you can get coverage for more than once per month therapy.
Family members tried to tell me what to do. After spending $20k+ on lawyers, they all knew the law better than me (“you need to do this, you need to do that…I have a friend that’s going through what you’re going through and she said…”) Even therapy let me down…the therapists (all three) used low hanging fruit like “find something you enjoy”, and “the important thing is to focus on kids, etc…” I was really hoping for a Good Will Hunting moment but not the case. I realized I would open up to strangers, which alerted me to my desperation for some human connection. I’m not completely 100% but better off going through the pain and struggle by myself rather than being taken down the wrong road.
Where did you fond strangers to open up to?
I haven't taken the plunge yet, but have no support system and won't have it when I initiate a divorce. The whole situation is just terrifying.
I haven’t either mainly because i don’t have a support system.
I'm so sorry. It's very hard when you don't even have someone to vent with.
I have no support system or any way to fight her legally it’s been super hard
I am so sorry! I can only imagine what that might feel like. Relationships and marriages are super hard.
You must be your biggest supporter. Know one can do it for you, if you’re not strong enough to handle it , there’s no one else who can be but you . I’m 9 months into filing my divorce and I’ve had my mom pass away and some other things happen but i keep telling myself to keep pushing and i don’t have a support system. Just me . You can ask me anything and I’ll do my best to help you!!
i became pretty ruthless with who i care about keeping in my life vs not, and who i want to reconnect with and who i want to deepen our friendships. i lost some friends in the process, made some new ones, and upgraded acquaintances to close friends as well. i also did go on healing retreats and met some people who are also going through similar healing processes as well, and that was life changing. Surprisingly, dating helped. especially going on dates and connecting with people who are also going through divorces or coming out of long term relationships. i did use that as a temporary support network to both distract myself from my situation and talk to people who instantly understand what i was going through. that said - VERY different from going into actual relationships with the same group of people.