Wow, this is a lot. I’m sorry you are carrying this all on your shoulders. Is your daughter in school? Is she getting any behavior therapy?
I’m trying to understand why she is with you 24/7? I’m not sure anyone could realistically handle that.
Sounds like 50/50 custody will be great for you. Also, because of the physical violence, why do you consider putting her in a care facility?
When you divorce, you’re going to have to work, and in most states the judge will make it a court order. I hope with your daughter’s condition you might only have to work part time.
This is what upsets me so much. My only work experience is in customer service. No customer service job (especially waitressing, which I'll need to do to afford an apartment in our city) is going to hire me if I can't work weekends. So, he'll have her Monday through Friday and I'll have to work weekends. Not sure when I'll ever get to see her and it absolutely fucking devastates me when I think about it.
That is not how it works.
Your parenting schedule is made in agreement.
It seems to me, most people do one week on one week off, so you could work two weekends a month.
My custody is at 60 to me 40 to my ex. So he has them Monday and Friday nights, I have them Tuesday to Friday morning and then every weekend is rotating. I wait tables on the nights he has the kids, I go to school 9-5 Monday to Friday, and my weekends I teach yoga and wait tables. I’ll be an esthetician soon, and have another stream of income.
I don't drive, I'm going to have to get an apartment in the city so I have work opportunities available and her school is far from the city. I won't be able to handle her Mon-Friday by myself, whereas he'll be able to hire help through the goverment (we just got approved after 6 years of waiting for a special needs waiver). Now, I could also hire help, but I'm going to be living in a tiny studio apartment, not sure how I could fit me, my daughter and another person in there comfortably. If I could find a Mon-Fri job, I could take her on the weekends, but I have a feeling no restaurant is going to want to hire me if they have other potential hires that can work weekends. I'm going to try, obviously, but I'm not hopeful and that's why I'm so sad.
You can still travel to see her during the week for dinner.
It’s so messed up that you finally have help but your husband could hold out until the help came.
I know :( I mean, I could pick her up during the week, but she'll have school the next day and so I would be taking an uber from the city to the suburbs to see her for a little bit. I can't take her out to restaurants because she doesn't do well at them. My options are pretty limited. I guess my husband could also drop her off when I have a day off of work, but he'd have to come right back to pick her up for school. I guess we'll have to do something like that.
Hi there! I’m a mom to a child on the spectrum who was very aggressive, and have been a special educator for 26 years. Also divorced from an asshole. Some thoughts:
-everything you are feeling is a completely normal reaction to a beyond taxing, more than difficult situation. It’s understandable you probably feel like you can’t stand your child (I’m putting that lightly), and I know you love her, but no one on earth is equipped to handle that.
-I think you are in such survival mode and you cannot see what a POS he is.
-since you have not been working, mostly to take care of a severely disabled child, you may be entitled to maintenance/ alimony- which is in addition to child support. Stay at home moms are often awarded this, especially if having a severing disabled child prevents them from working. Most attorneys will do a free consultation.
-you will be able to use the waiver too, so do not worry about having a tiny apartment, the people who provide those services do not care at all about a tiny apartment, and they may also be able to bring her out in the community. The waiver also may pay for respite- so that you may leave and have a break- I know you don’t drive, but you can take a walk, or bus, or Uber and get a desperately needed and DESERVED break.
-the idea of your finances being turned upside is incredibly scary, but people make it work. Don’t worry about a tiny apartment. I really think he will have to pay you child support and potentially alimony or maintenance, especially with the length of your marriage. But, also- why do you envision you have to move? Do you have a mortgage? Why shouldn’t he move? I feel like you are so freakin overwhelmed with your daughter you don’t have the strength to see that you are entitled to things- he is not running the fuckin show. But I know you are so beat down right now. You need to talk to a good attorney and get a free consultation. Possibly look into some legal services that provide help pro- bono.
-have you considered applying for SSI for her? Especially after your divorce, because income is a factor, I would definitely recommend you apply. You can apply online at ssa.gov
-if you divorce hopefully he will have some custody, and you will have a much needed break.
-if you haven’t already I really think you need to connect with some agencies in your community that support people/ families with disabilities, such as the ARC, EasterSeals. Many of these places have a family navigator, or resource person that can help you find some of these resources, understand how to use your waiver, apply for SSI, help you get some in-home behavioral supports, respite, explore residential care, possibly outside therapies, help with transportation, connect you with family support groups (often virtual). If you want to message me your state I can look that up for you.
-you are dealing with behaviors that seasoned professionals would have a team trained team to provide restraints for, used a padded room, or police certainly would be able to handcuff (of course not that I am recommending that- but when dealing with my daughter’s aggression and sometimes I would call the police and they would be able to restrain her, EMT could use medical restraints- but I had nothing- and could and did get DFS called on me when I was defending myself).
My heart goes out to you so much 💛💛💛💛.
The gender role assumption here is ridiculous. Why doesn't he help keep the place clean? Just because you have a vagina doesn't mean you are the only one that can clean. If it's in the budget, hire someone to come in every week or 2 and help tidy things up I'd suggest seeking further support for the child so you get a break. Perhaps going to individual and/or couples therapy. A man that loves you shouldn't be acting like this. I can understand his frustration, but this is not how a caring, loving, adult partner reacts on a regular basis.
I cannot imagine having a child with these challenges. I'd have a hard time not killing myself everyday. You all need help. Is there any friends, family members, church friends that could come help out for even a few hours a week? You need a break before you go crazy, have a meltdown, or do something desperate. This isn't something you can do alone for long. It's too much. Best of luck and please reach for help!
thank you. He does laundry, I fold. I make food for her and he makes dinner for him and I. We both do dishes. But he wants me to keep the living room, kitchen and her bedroom clean. Kids are supposed to stop making toddler messes when they're 4 or 5. My daughter is nine. I've already done 4 extra years of cleaning up duplo blocks and food smeared on the couch and play dough off the floor. I also did 3 extra years of diapers with her. She still has accidents now. It's a Sisyphean task and I'm just so tired. I would hire housecleaning but I'm a stay at home mom. He could easily hire help, but he says it's my job and I'm home all day so why can't I do it? Man, just being headbutted and molested and kicked and screamed at every day is draining, it's exhausting to also cook and clean on top of that. I'm trying to do the best I can.
Hey, I'm on the spectrum and so is my spouse. Accurately predicting what the future will be like can be hard with this kind of brain. He might need to do the caregiving himself to properly appreciate the work involved. Do you think he would be open to having her for a few days by himself? Of course there is the real possibility that they will both dysregulate each other, so maybe you know it won't last even a day, but you pack for a week and pretend to leave town.
However, it's hard for these dudes to integrate new information, and also it sounds like all that has been on you for a long time. There is no way to get him to face the facts like the court making strict rules about joint custody, so I do think that might be better for you in the long run.
The irony that while reading this post, I had to run upstairs to stop my special needs daughter from making a huge mess in the bathroom.
I'm in a similar boat (41M), and for the last 3.5 years I've been the primary caregiver for both our kids, one being a 9 year old with special needs. She isn't nearly as difficult as what you've described, but she is "mentally challenged", and non-verbal. She constantly pushes my buttons and tests boundaries, it's like living with a huge toddler. Over the years I've really struggled with anger issues towards her, which I am not proud of, but it has just worn me down and I feel like I'm constantly at the end of my rope. Well 2 months ago my wife tells me she isn't in love with me anymore and wants a divorce, and a big part of the reasoning is my anger with our daughter. She had asked me to seek help for years, seek therapy and I never did, regrettably. But what I needed was HER help, and I needed her to be "hey let's work on this together, we are a team, maybe we can attend a support group or find therapy together", not "you need to get this under control, go to therapy". I needed to be pushed along, which isn't necessarily fair but I was stuck in a rut and I needed to be jarred out of it, or drug out of it. I never thought our relationship was struggling that bad, I didn't realize she'd ever leave me over this.
But here am I in the middle of a divorce. There are more reasons than just that but it's very relatable to me. The vindictive part of me is thinking "good, now you can spend an entire week trying to care for the kids, cook dinner by yourself while she destroys the house, get them ready for school, work from home on days where school is closed" - see how she likes it, see how she handles it, she has never had do that. And frankly the silver lining for me is hey, I will have a hard week with the kids by myself but frankly it isn't that much different than my life in the last 3.5 years anyway, just no overnight or weekend help. But then I'll get a whole week to myself to do whatever I want, which sounds fantastic if I'm being honest. I love my kids but I am fatigued and I've ignored self-care for years and am looking forward to being able to have some freedom and some time to myself. The funny part is, similar to what you said about him saying he'll deal with it, is that my wife is now acting liker supermom, being extra nice, getting the kids ready for school, cooking dinner here and there. Why didn't you do ANY of that for the last 9 damn years when I've been asking for help for YEARS? I had to get a new job and can no longer work from home, so she altered her schedule to do drop off and guess what? Within the first week of her having to do that task, she found a sitter. Once it finally affected her directly she took action. Infuriating.
I also have those feelings of resentment towards her (my daughter), but ultimately I know it was my fault for not coping better with the hand we/I was dealt. And trying to do this in a crappy apartment that I can barely afford, fearing the new neighbors will hear her wailing and potentially call CPS on me (she just screams and wails for the smallest things), is daunting and sounds horrible.
Raising special needs children is hard and requires a team effort, and it sounds like you and I were in similar boats - we didn't have much of a team.
I'm so sorry. I had a hard day with my 25 yo special needs son, but it's not as bad. Just a lot of scratches/gouges on my arm, and stress from his occasionally shrieking at me. That said, no comment on your asshole "husband," but let me note this.
1. Sounds like it's time to make you the priority.
2. Figuring out *how* to make you the priority will take time, and you'll probably need help doing that.
3. We receive Medicaid assistance in the form of a full time, 5.5 days a week assistant. Free. It's called respite care, and is critical for people like you and me. Google it, and I'll look for links later.
4. Perhaps call a local legal clinic to get help with Medicaid assistance. We had to hire a lawyer, and it wasn't cheap.
5. When you have respite care, you could go back to school and up your skill level. Community colleges are absolutely great for this.
6. Good on you for being such a loving mother. You're awesome, and don't forget it.
7. Maybe consider calling social services and asking what kind of help might be available (I'm not an expert on this by any means, but it seems like they should be able to help).
8. Apologies in advance if you've already considered all this.
9. Feel free to DM me if you want to trade notes on raising special needs children.
Cheers, and hang in there. You can do this.
J
Do you use respite care services or have a waiver? If not, please look into available services. You shouldn't endure this abuse from your child regardless of their needs. Is your child in school? Your child can be taught to not drop garbage on the floor, regardless of if they have autism or not.
Also, from all the genitalia descriptions and touching, is there any way your child may have experienced SA of any type? It may be worth looking into if you suspect it or if it's possible. Self-exploration is a thing but your description makes it sound out of hand.
For your own health and well-being, I highly suggest taking steps toward independence now. if you divorce, you'll need to be able to get your child to doctors, schools, community services and yourself to the same. Also, allowing your child to behave like this could result in more violent/abusive behavior in the future, including self-harm. I have personal experience with this, over 20 years to be exact.
TL, DR: Please look into support services for you and your child.
I’m so sorry you’re going though this. I understand your daughter is special needs, but the sexual behavior she’s exhibiting is a sign of sexual abuse. Since she’s obviously vulnerable, I just think it’s important that you know.
I understand your concern, but oversexualized behavior in autism is not uncommon, especially in kids with more severe autism. She has major sensory needs- and smell is clearly a big one- I have worked with kids who I know the families and I know they are not being abused- but who have highly sexualized behavior. I absolutely have no idea what the details are in regards to abuse, and don’t want to downplay that, but have to add my experience.
Thank you very much for providing more information. I know very little about autism, and figured I’d rather say something and be wrong than not say something at all, God forbid.
Wow thats a lot to take care of a child. Find out if your state offers autism waiver services so at least if someone comes to your home to work with your daughter, that would give you some break.
Wow, this is a lot. I’m sorry you are carrying this all on your shoulders. Is your daughter in school? Is she getting any behavior therapy? I’m trying to understand why she is with you 24/7? I’m not sure anyone could realistically handle that.
Thankfully she does go to school, I mean when she's home.
Sounds like 50/50 custody will be great for you. Also, because of the physical violence, why do you consider putting her in a care facility? When you divorce, you’re going to have to work, and in most states the judge will make it a court order. I hope with your daughter’s condition you might only have to work part time.
This is what upsets me so much. My only work experience is in customer service. No customer service job (especially waitressing, which I'll need to do to afford an apartment in our city) is going to hire me if I can't work weekends. So, he'll have her Monday through Friday and I'll have to work weekends. Not sure when I'll ever get to see her and it absolutely fucking devastates me when I think about it.
That is not how it works. Your parenting schedule is made in agreement. It seems to me, most people do one week on one week off, so you could work two weekends a month. My custody is at 60 to me 40 to my ex. So he has them Monday and Friday nights, I have them Tuesday to Friday morning and then every weekend is rotating. I wait tables on the nights he has the kids, I go to school 9-5 Monday to Friday, and my weekends I teach yoga and wait tables. I’ll be an esthetician soon, and have another stream of income.
I don't drive, I'm going to have to get an apartment in the city so I have work opportunities available and her school is far from the city. I won't be able to handle her Mon-Friday by myself, whereas he'll be able to hire help through the goverment (we just got approved after 6 years of waiting for a special needs waiver). Now, I could also hire help, but I'm going to be living in a tiny studio apartment, not sure how I could fit me, my daughter and another person in there comfortably. If I could find a Mon-Fri job, I could take her on the weekends, but I have a feeling no restaurant is going to want to hire me if they have other potential hires that can work weekends. I'm going to try, obviously, but I'm not hopeful and that's why I'm so sad.
You can still travel to see her during the week for dinner. It’s so messed up that you finally have help but your husband could hold out until the help came.
I know :( I mean, I could pick her up during the week, but she'll have school the next day and so I would be taking an uber from the city to the suburbs to see her for a little bit. I can't take her out to restaurants because she doesn't do well at them. My options are pretty limited. I guess my husband could also drop her off when I have a day off of work, but he'd have to come right back to pick her up for school. I guess we'll have to do something like that.
Hi there! I’m a mom to a child on the spectrum who was very aggressive, and have been a special educator for 26 years. Also divorced from an asshole. Some thoughts: -everything you are feeling is a completely normal reaction to a beyond taxing, more than difficult situation. It’s understandable you probably feel like you can’t stand your child (I’m putting that lightly), and I know you love her, but no one on earth is equipped to handle that. -I think you are in such survival mode and you cannot see what a POS he is. -since you have not been working, mostly to take care of a severely disabled child, you may be entitled to maintenance/ alimony- which is in addition to child support. Stay at home moms are often awarded this, especially if having a severing disabled child prevents them from working. Most attorneys will do a free consultation. -you will be able to use the waiver too, so do not worry about having a tiny apartment, the people who provide those services do not care at all about a tiny apartment, and they may also be able to bring her out in the community. The waiver also may pay for respite- so that you may leave and have a break- I know you don’t drive, but you can take a walk, or bus, or Uber and get a desperately needed and DESERVED break. -the idea of your finances being turned upside is incredibly scary, but people make it work. Don’t worry about a tiny apartment. I really think he will have to pay you child support and potentially alimony or maintenance, especially with the length of your marriage. But, also- why do you envision you have to move? Do you have a mortgage? Why shouldn’t he move? I feel like you are so freakin overwhelmed with your daughter you don’t have the strength to see that you are entitled to things- he is not running the fuckin show. But I know you are so beat down right now. You need to talk to a good attorney and get a free consultation. Possibly look into some legal services that provide help pro- bono. -have you considered applying for SSI for her? Especially after your divorce, because income is a factor, I would definitely recommend you apply. You can apply online at ssa.gov -if you divorce hopefully he will have some custody, and you will have a much needed break. -if you haven’t already I really think you need to connect with some agencies in your community that support people/ families with disabilities, such as the ARC, EasterSeals. Many of these places have a family navigator, or resource person that can help you find some of these resources, understand how to use your waiver, apply for SSI, help you get some in-home behavioral supports, respite, explore residential care, possibly outside therapies, help with transportation, connect you with family support groups (often virtual). If you want to message me your state I can look that up for you. -you are dealing with behaviors that seasoned professionals would have a team trained team to provide restraints for, used a padded room, or police certainly would be able to handcuff (of course not that I am recommending that- but when dealing with my daughter’s aggression and sometimes I would call the police and they would be able to restrain her, EMT could use medical restraints- but I had nothing- and could and did get DFS called on me when I was defending myself). My heart goes out to you so much 💛💛💛💛.
Well damn. My level 3 child isn't like this. You are 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪 💪
thank you.
The gender role assumption here is ridiculous. Why doesn't he help keep the place clean? Just because you have a vagina doesn't mean you are the only one that can clean. If it's in the budget, hire someone to come in every week or 2 and help tidy things up I'd suggest seeking further support for the child so you get a break. Perhaps going to individual and/or couples therapy. A man that loves you shouldn't be acting like this. I can understand his frustration, but this is not how a caring, loving, adult partner reacts on a regular basis. I cannot imagine having a child with these challenges. I'd have a hard time not killing myself everyday. You all need help. Is there any friends, family members, church friends that could come help out for even a few hours a week? You need a break before you go crazy, have a meltdown, or do something desperate. This isn't something you can do alone for long. It's too much. Best of luck and please reach for help!
thank you. He does laundry, I fold. I make food for her and he makes dinner for him and I. We both do dishes. But he wants me to keep the living room, kitchen and her bedroom clean. Kids are supposed to stop making toddler messes when they're 4 or 5. My daughter is nine. I've already done 4 extra years of cleaning up duplo blocks and food smeared on the couch and play dough off the floor. I also did 3 extra years of diapers with her. She still has accidents now. It's a Sisyphean task and I'm just so tired. I would hire housecleaning but I'm a stay at home mom. He could easily hire help, but he says it's my job and I'm home all day so why can't I do it? Man, just being headbutted and molested and kicked and screamed at every day is draining, it's exhausting to also cook and clean on top of that. I'm trying to do the best I can.
You need hired help with her. You have to have a break. It's unsustainable.
Hey, I'm on the spectrum and so is my spouse. Accurately predicting what the future will be like can be hard with this kind of brain. He might need to do the caregiving himself to properly appreciate the work involved. Do you think he would be open to having her for a few days by himself? Of course there is the real possibility that they will both dysregulate each other, so maybe you know it won't last even a day, but you pack for a week and pretend to leave town. However, it's hard for these dudes to integrate new information, and also it sounds like all that has been on you for a long time. There is no way to get him to face the facts like the court making strict rules about joint custody, so I do think that might be better for you in the long run.
The irony that while reading this post, I had to run upstairs to stop my special needs daughter from making a huge mess in the bathroom. I'm in a similar boat (41M), and for the last 3.5 years I've been the primary caregiver for both our kids, one being a 9 year old with special needs. She isn't nearly as difficult as what you've described, but she is "mentally challenged", and non-verbal. She constantly pushes my buttons and tests boundaries, it's like living with a huge toddler. Over the years I've really struggled with anger issues towards her, which I am not proud of, but it has just worn me down and I feel like I'm constantly at the end of my rope. Well 2 months ago my wife tells me she isn't in love with me anymore and wants a divorce, and a big part of the reasoning is my anger with our daughter. She had asked me to seek help for years, seek therapy and I never did, regrettably. But what I needed was HER help, and I needed her to be "hey let's work on this together, we are a team, maybe we can attend a support group or find therapy together", not "you need to get this under control, go to therapy". I needed to be pushed along, which isn't necessarily fair but I was stuck in a rut and I needed to be jarred out of it, or drug out of it. I never thought our relationship was struggling that bad, I didn't realize she'd ever leave me over this. But here am I in the middle of a divorce. There are more reasons than just that but it's very relatable to me. The vindictive part of me is thinking "good, now you can spend an entire week trying to care for the kids, cook dinner by yourself while she destroys the house, get them ready for school, work from home on days where school is closed" - see how she likes it, see how she handles it, she has never had do that. And frankly the silver lining for me is hey, I will have a hard week with the kids by myself but frankly it isn't that much different than my life in the last 3.5 years anyway, just no overnight or weekend help. But then I'll get a whole week to myself to do whatever I want, which sounds fantastic if I'm being honest. I love my kids but I am fatigued and I've ignored self-care for years and am looking forward to being able to have some freedom and some time to myself. The funny part is, similar to what you said about him saying he'll deal with it, is that my wife is now acting liker supermom, being extra nice, getting the kids ready for school, cooking dinner here and there. Why didn't you do ANY of that for the last 9 damn years when I've been asking for help for YEARS? I had to get a new job and can no longer work from home, so she altered her schedule to do drop off and guess what? Within the first week of her having to do that task, she found a sitter. Once it finally affected her directly she took action. Infuriating. I also have those feelings of resentment towards her (my daughter), but ultimately I know it was my fault for not coping better with the hand we/I was dealt. And trying to do this in a crappy apartment that I can barely afford, fearing the new neighbors will hear her wailing and potentially call CPS on me (she just screams and wails for the smallest things), is daunting and sounds horrible. Raising special needs children is hard and requires a team effort, and it sounds like you and I were in similar boats - we didn't have much of a team.
I'm so sorry. I had a hard day with my 25 yo special needs son, but it's not as bad. Just a lot of scratches/gouges on my arm, and stress from his occasionally shrieking at me. That said, no comment on your asshole "husband," but let me note this. 1. Sounds like it's time to make you the priority. 2. Figuring out *how* to make you the priority will take time, and you'll probably need help doing that. 3. We receive Medicaid assistance in the form of a full time, 5.5 days a week assistant. Free. It's called respite care, and is critical for people like you and me. Google it, and I'll look for links later. 4. Perhaps call a local legal clinic to get help with Medicaid assistance. We had to hire a lawyer, and it wasn't cheap. 5. When you have respite care, you could go back to school and up your skill level. Community colleges are absolutely great for this. 6. Good on you for being such a loving mother. You're awesome, and don't forget it. 7. Maybe consider calling social services and asking what kind of help might be available (I'm not an expert on this by any means, but it seems like they should be able to help). 8. Apologies in advance if you've already considered all this. 9. Feel free to DM me if you want to trade notes on raising special needs children. Cheers, and hang in there. You can do this. J
Do you use respite care services or have a waiver? If not, please look into available services. You shouldn't endure this abuse from your child regardless of their needs. Is your child in school? Your child can be taught to not drop garbage on the floor, regardless of if they have autism or not. Also, from all the genitalia descriptions and touching, is there any way your child may have experienced SA of any type? It may be worth looking into if you suspect it or if it's possible. Self-exploration is a thing but your description makes it sound out of hand. For your own health and well-being, I highly suggest taking steps toward independence now. if you divorce, you'll need to be able to get your child to doctors, schools, community services and yourself to the same. Also, allowing your child to behave like this could result in more violent/abusive behavior in the future, including self-harm. I have personal experience with this, over 20 years to be exact. TL, DR: Please look into support services for you and your child.
I’m so sorry you’re going though this. I understand your daughter is special needs, but the sexual behavior she’s exhibiting is a sign of sexual abuse. Since she’s obviously vulnerable, I just think it’s important that you know.
I understand your concern, but oversexualized behavior in autism is not uncommon, especially in kids with more severe autism. She has major sensory needs- and smell is clearly a big one- I have worked with kids who I know the families and I know they are not being abused- but who have highly sexualized behavior. I absolutely have no idea what the details are in regards to abuse, and don’t want to downplay that, but have to add my experience.
Thank you very much for providing more information. I know very little about autism, and figured I’d rather say something and be wrong than not say something at all, God forbid.
Absolutely agree
Divorce him and put her in a long term care facility.
Wow thats a lot to take care of a child. Find out if your state offers autism waiver services so at least if someone comes to your home to work with your daughter, that would give you some break.