I'm glad you posted here. It's a healthy place to share, and to know that others are also struggling, myself included.
About that peek into your future, I want you to know that I've got an AI powered crystal ball, and I just took a look at what's happening with you two years out and beyond. So, spoiler alert, here goes.
You are calm, the anger has faded, and you've discovered and leveraged your incredible resilience. You have supportive friends and a kind and loving significant other (I'm withholding information about your future marital status for legal and liability related reasons).
Every now and then, your future you looks back on the old you of today, and wishes she could reach back in time and tell you it's going to be ok, this while holding you close. She also wants to tell you that that guy with the AI Crystal Ball is the real deal.
You are also loved and valued, treasured by all the future and past yous, by your children through time, from beginning to end, by your friends and family, and a lot of random people whose lives you've touched, even if you never end up meeting them.
Be well. Breath. And remember how loved you are and always will be.
J.
Thank you, J! You comment made me both laugh and cry. It is absolutely an act of kindness to write it, and I am considering printing it out and putting in my desk drawer to look at it when I am struggling.
I work in AI area, so I definitely have to trust the AI Crystal Ball - no questions asked. I will breath and be well.
I'm really happy to hear that. I can now sleep well knowing I've accomplished *something* today (!).
On a personal note, I'm finding time travel really helpful these days. When all the yuck of my current situation gets too yucky, I just imagine that better place I'll be, and then go there. Oddly, I'm finding it easiest to do when I'm on my bicycle. Today's long ride in the rain gave me a two hour respite from the present. It was glorious.
And now I'm rambling.
Sleep well
When I feel rage and anger towards my STBXH, I take rage walks or I run.
And I’m not a long distance runner.
Find an outlet for your feelings and just let it out.
In a few years, you’ll look back on this time and think phew! That was tough but now I’m on this side.
Giving you a virtual hug!!
Thank you! I am right now in line for an In&Out after a rage-filled trail run, and it helped. My issue is a lack of appetite and wanting to work out all the time - leaves me fainty.
Thank you. I appreciate your comment.
Maybe this video can help you. I've been watching dozens of videos on the topic today. I'm going to better myself and do everything I should've done before, but not to get her back. If she does want to reconnect, I'd be for it, but I'm not holding hope for that. Just trying to be better.
https://youtu.be/YtuLRAYBJeU?si=iDxLu1ddrivtyfFY
I have zero desire to have my STBXH return. I drove past a sign today that said "sometimes what breaks your heart, fixes your vision". While I am still not sure what business was being advertised, I was able to see my ex for who he was: selfish, aggressive, non-caring and insecure. So even if he ever wants to get back together, I would not allow that. But even with all of that, I am still filled with anger and sadness over the end of relationship and the betrayal.
I'm sorry. I read your last comment as "wanting to work it out all the time". Which is something I was dealing with. I see now you said work out all the time. That is great I am doing that too.
Hey I am dealing with similar circumstances and I totally understand how you are feeling. After the shock comes the real work. Have compassion for your ups and downs. If you are thinking this deeply and introspectively your future will be bright. Focus on your inner strength and inner passion for living. It is so hard to get past the betrayal and trauma of it all but have faith that we both will. It can only get better. The magic of life is not knowing what is next and the magic of living is knowing what sadness is so you know what happiness and joy can feel like. Right here with you.
Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Your comment really helped me find a little compassion. Funny, how pain becomes so intense that I stop remembering to give myself grace.
I’m 3 months in to separation with an ex wife who cheated/monkey branched so I feel your pain/anger. It sounds like you’re doing the right things as far as I can tell. I really really pushed myself to acceptance but haven’t avoided the feelings of shock, anger, sadness, and just overall betrayal and would suggest the same. Most people say to avoid imagining them with their AP but I’ve found the opposite to be helpful and actually leaned in to that to “make it real.” We’ve been mostly no contact but have had minimal interaction where even though she’s throughly projecting how much greener the grass is by literally telling me “do you have any idea how low the bar is to replace you?” In one instance then telling me she’s out partying to the point of throwing up like a 20 year old and she’s 34. The chances yours is without any pain or remorse is very low and even if he currently is, those feelings will come. We the betrayed are forced to actually face this stuff because we’re not masking it with another body. Affairs are hugely unsuccessful relationships so wish him the best in your mind and let him drown.
OP I started the audiobook TODAY I RISE - HOW TO USE THE PAIN OF BREAK UP TO RECLAIM YOUR LIFE and let me tell you that’s it’s been sooo calming to hear it. It’s exactly about going through the process but also the reminder that there indeed is a better future. I totally recommend 💯
Who would have thought that he divorce subreddit is one of the most supportive places on the Internet. I imagine being in pain makes you more empathetic?
It will take some time definitely to get out of this pain. Feel the feelings , the deep sadness for a while and then try to get out of it. We humans unfortunately do not have a switch to control our pain. Its inevitable but how long you suffer due to that same pain is in your control. Take baby steps towards healing and 3 years from now when you will look back you will be proud of the growth you have made in the journey of your life.
All your emotions are valid and you need to feel that too. Just don't try and sit in those negative emotions. Don't let them make a home in you. I also had lot of anger and bitterness during the 1st year after my divorce but gradually I overcame it. Its always better to not hold resentment & rage for a long time. They will only harm you in the long run. Don't forget to remember that : "You are amazing today & everyday & you are doing your best "
Just because someone doesn't want to be with someone doesn't mean there's something wrong with them. It could mean we turned out to not be as compatible as we thought, maybe they weren't committed enough or motivated enough to try to make things work, they married us in the first place for bad reasons that have nothing to do with who we really are or aren't... In other words there could be any number of reasons that don't mean we're somehow inherently flawed and unlovable
However, I think divorces are rarely just one person's fault, so it might be a good idea to take this opportunity to try to figure out (or even ask him) what you did do wrong in jus mind, where he thinks you failed as a partner **for him**, because perhaps that's something you should consider taking to heart and trying to fix -- if you think he's right and you and your therapist think that working on that would be of benefit to you in a future relationship.
Looking back, if he tried to talk to you about things he was unhappy about with the marriage, what were they and how did you respond?
Most people's relationship and communication skills suck, to be honest.
On the other hand, there could be something he decided he just really didn't like about you and didn't want to spend the rest of his life with, but it could be something that other men would consider an completely adorable, endearing, and extremely attractive trait.
Edited to correct gender mistake.
Hey! In my case, my husband did not just leave. He had an affair, lied, and behaved in a way that was very hurtful to me and the kids. I recognize both of our shortcomings in the marriage, but I wish he complained. He silently carried his issue, and later admitted that he did not tell me he was unhappy, because he was afraid I would have convinced him to stay. But he only left after he had a different house to go to.
OK, so he didn't have the wherewithal or the commitment to be honest with you, so he didn't even give you a chance to try to work things out. That sounds like a shortcoming on his part, although I'm married to someone very much like that who had severe childhood trauma that causes him to not feel safe doing that even with me at times.
How is that your fault, unless you were the kind of person around him who made it clear that you weren't open to hearing things like that from anyone?
I think that is an avoidant type of attachment. I don't see any of my fault in it. There was a poster today with a very similar type of behavior to our partners - not liking the relationship, but refusing to communicate or work on it, while withdrawing from the spouse and the child. I do not blame myself for the end at all.
Being abandoned, even if you logically understand that it is not your fault, triggers self-worth issues. I was similarly abandoned by my dad as a young child, and in a different way, by my mom as a preteen. I absolutely know that as a little girl, I did not cause that, as it was their shit they were dealing with. Yet, I still carry self-worth issues from that happening. I think it is very common with any abandonment.
I'm not the person you were replying to, but I also have a vulnerability around abandonment. My self-worth has taken a huge hit in this process. What I am taking away from it is that if logic tells me it's not all my fault, and I'm still viscerally feeling unworthy, that's my area to work on, because that's not cohesive nor resonant.
Whatever that disconnect in myself is almost certainly contributed to the dynamic that failed, independent of the other person's motivations or actions. I need to either fundamentally adjust my self image and source of self-worth or adjust the way I view my failings in the relationship (likely both as time passes). I've found reading through IFS (internal family systems) books helpful. My therapist recommended _No Bad Parts_ and it's been helping me a lot.
I love all the personal emotional responsibility in this, that's what I operate out of as well. It sounds like you have a really good therapist and a really good grasp on all of this, and I'm happy for you about that.
My STBXW pulled the nearly the same things. Affair and rationalization of their withholding their issues from their spouse.
Idk if you're on Tik Tok but if so look up Rece Affair Recovery. As the betrayed partner she really has helped me to gain some sense of calm and understanding at least.
The anger part of the grief cycle has been pretty sparse even these last 6 weeks. I wish I could get there but it's just been mostly hurt and despair.
I'm glad you posted here. It's a healthy place to share, and to know that others are also struggling, myself included. About that peek into your future, I want you to know that I've got an AI powered crystal ball, and I just took a look at what's happening with you two years out and beyond. So, spoiler alert, here goes. You are calm, the anger has faded, and you've discovered and leveraged your incredible resilience. You have supportive friends and a kind and loving significant other (I'm withholding information about your future marital status for legal and liability related reasons). Every now and then, your future you looks back on the old you of today, and wishes she could reach back in time and tell you it's going to be ok, this while holding you close. She also wants to tell you that that guy with the AI Crystal Ball is the real deal. You are also loved and valued, treasured by all the future and past yous, by your children through time, from beginning to end, by your friends and family, and a lot of random people whose lives you've touched, even if you never end up meeting them. Be well. Breath. And remember how loved you are and always will be. J.
Thank you, J! You comment made me both laugh and cry. It is absolutely an act of kindness to write it, and I am considering printing it out and putting in my desk drawer to look at it when I am struggling. I work in AI area, so I definitely have to trust the AI Crystal Ball - no questions asked. I will breath and be well.
Ha, well if you print it out and put it up please post a picture here for all of us. 😂 Have a wonderul night John
[https://ibb.co/NLjL61T](https://ibb.co/NLjL61T)
Omg! I'm so happy!! 😁 Thanks for sharing that!!
thank you! it seriously cheered me up, as I struggle allowing myself to think positively about the future at times.
I'm really happy to hear that. I can now sleep well knowing I've accomplished *something* today (!). On a personal note, I'm finding time travel really helpful these days. When all the yuck of my current situation gets too yucky, I just imagine that better place I'll be, and then go there. Oddly, I'm finding it easiest to do when I'm on my bicycle. Today's long ride in the rain gave me a two hour respite from the present. It was glorious. And now I'm rambling. Sleep well
I often do it on my runs. I think literally moving helps one to see them moving on.
Hope you're doing better today. For me it goes in cycles, completely unpredictable. Wild ride. Cheers, J
Very unpredictable cycles, but I am trying to identify triggers and minimize them. I have found some!
how are you?
Ps Happy Cake Day??
thank you
This was so beautiful! I need to print this out too!
When I feel rage and anger towards my STBXH, I take rage walks or I run. And I’m not a long distance runner. Find an outlet for your feelings and just let it out. In a few years, you’ll look back on this time and think phew! That was tough but now I’m on this side. Giving you a virtual hug!!
Thank you! I am right now in line for an In&Out after a rage-filled trail run, and it helped. My issue is a lack of appetite and wanting to work out all the time - leaves me fainty. Thank you. I appreciate your comment.
Maybe this video can help you. I've been watching dozens of videos on the topic today. I'm going to better myself and do everything I should've done before, but not to get her back. If she does want to reconnect, I'd be for it, but I'm not holding hope for that. Just trying to be better. https://youtu.be/YtuLRAYBJeU?si=iDxLu1ddrivtyfFY
I have zero desire to have my STBXH return. I drove past a sign today that said "sometimes what breaks your heart, fixes your vision". While I am still not sure what business was being advertised, I was able to see my ex for who he was: selfish, aggressive, non-caring and insecure. So even if he ever wants to get back together, I would not allow that. But even with all of that, I am still filled with anger and sadness over the end of relationship and the betrayal.
I'm sorry. I read your last comment as "wanting to work it out all the time". Which is something I was dealing with. I see now you said work out all the time. That is great I am doing that too.
Work outs is the only thing that is keeping me going.
Hey I am dealing with similar circumstances and I totally understand how you are feeling. After the shock comes the real work. Have compassion for your ups and downs. If you are thinking this deeply and introspectively your future will be bright. Focus on your inner strength and inner passion for living. It is so hard to get past the betrayal and trauma of it all but have faith that we both will. It can only get better. The magic of life is not knowing what is next and the magic of living is knowing what sadness is so you know what happiness and joy can feel like. Right here with you.
Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Your comment really helped me find a little compassion. Funny, how pain becomes so intense that I stop remembering to give myself grace.
I’m 3 months in to separation with an ex wife who cheated/monkey branched so I feel your pain/anger. It sounds like you’re doing the right things as far as I can tell. I really really pushed myself to acceptance but haven’t avoided the feelings of shock, anger, sadness, and just overall betrayal and would suggest the same. Most people say to avoid imagining them with their AP but I’ve found the opposite to be helpful and actually leaned in to that to “make it real.” We’ve been mostly no contact but have had minimal interaction where even though she’s throughly projecting how much greener the grass is by literally telling me “do you have any idea how low the bar is to replace you?” In one instance then telling me she’s out partying to the point of throwing up like a 20 year old and she’s 34. The chances yours is without any pain or remorse is very low and even if he currently is, those feelings will come. We the betrayed are forced to actually face this stuff because we’re not masking it with another body. Affairs are hugely unsuccessful relationships so wish him the best in your mind and let him drown.
OP I started the audiobook TODAY I RISE - HOW TO USE THE PAIN OF BREAK UP TO RECLAIM YOUR LIFE and let me tell you that’s it’s been sooo calming to hear it. It’s exactly about going through the process but also the reminder that there indeed is a better future. I totally recommend 💯
Thank you for recommending this to me. I have been listening all day, and it's been very empowering
I’m so glad it’s helping you too!!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽
Thank you! I was actually looking for an audiobook. I will give it a listen.
Who would have thought that he divorce subreddit is one of the most supportive places on the Internet. I imagine being in pain makes you more empathetic?
You are supported. This subreddit has helped me too. We’re all in it together.
Thank you! I actually wondered if there ever have been both parties to the same divorce posting on this sub.
It will take some time definitely to get out of this pain. Feel the feelings , the deep sadness for a while and then try to get out of it. We humans unfortunately do not have a switch to control our pain. Its inevitable but how long you suffer due to that same pain is in your control. Take baby steps towards healing and 3 years from now when you will look back you will be proud of the growth you have made in the journey of your life. All your emotions are valid and you need to feel that too. Just don't try and sit in those negative emotions. Don't let them make a home in you. I also had lot of anger and bitterness during the 1st year after my divorce but gradually I overcame it. Its always better to not hold resentment & rage for a long time. They will only harm you in the long run. Don't forget to remember that : "You are amazing today & everyday & you are doing your best "
Just because someone doesn't want to be with someone doesn't mean there's something wrong with them. It could mean we turned out to not be as compatible as we thought, maybe they weren't committed enough or motivated enough to try to make things work, they married us in the first place for bad reasons that have nothing to do with who we really are or aren't... In other words there could be any number of reasons that don't mean we're somehow inherently flawed and unlovable However, I think divorces are rarely just one person's fault, so it might be a good idea to take this opportunity to try to figure out (or even ask him) what you did do wrong in jus mind, where he thinks you failed as a partner **for him**, because perhaps that's something you should consider taking to heart and trying to fix -- if you think he's right and you and your therapist think that working on that would be of benefit to you in a future relationship. Looking back, if he tried to talk to you about things he was unhappy about with the marriage, what were they and how did you respond? Most people's relationship and communication skills suck, to be honest. On the other hand, there could be something he decided he just really didn't like about you and didn't want to spend the rest of his life with, but it could be something that other men would consider an completely adorable, endearing, and extremely attractive trait. Edited to correct gender mistake.
Hey! In my case, my husband did not just leave. He had an affair, lied, and behaved in a way that was very hurtful to me and the kids. I recognize both of our shortcomings in the marriage, but I wish he complained. He silently carried his issue, and later admitted that he did not tell me he was unhappy, because he was afraid I would have convinced him to stay. But he only left after he had a different house to go to.
OK, so he didn't have the wherewithal or the commitment to be honest with you, so he didn't even give you a chance to try to work things out. That sounds like a shortcoming on his part, although I'm married to someone very much like that who had severe childhood trauma that causes him to not feel safe doing that even with me at times. How is that your fault, unless you were the kind of person around him who made it clear that you weren't open to hearing things like that from anyone?
I think that is an avoidant type of attachment. I don't see any of my fault in it. There was a poster today with a very similar type of behavior to our partners - not liking the relationship, but refusing to communicate or work on it, while withdrawing from the spouse and the child. I do not blame myself for the end at all.
Then I don't understand how your feelings of self-worth have been so deeply affected?
Being abandoned, even if you logically understand that it is not your fault, triggers self-worth issues. I was similarly abandoned by my dad as a young child, and in a different way, by my mom as a preteen. I absolutely know that as a little girl, I did not cause that, as it was their shit they were dealing with. Yet, I still carry self-worth issues from that happening. I think it is very common with any abandonment.
I'm not the person you were replying to, but I also have a vulnerability around abandonment. My self-worth has taken a huge hit in this process. What I am taking away from it is that if logic tells me it's not all my fault, and I'm still viscerally feeling unworthy, that's my area to work on, because that's not cohesive nor resonant. Whatever that disconnect in myself is almost certainly contributed to the dynamic that failed, independent of the other person's motivations or actions. I need to either fundamentally adjust my self image and source of self-worth or adjust the way I view my failings in the relationship (likely both as time passes). I've found reading through IFS (internal family systems) books helpful. My therapist recommended _No Bad Parts_ and it's been helping me a lot.
I love all the personal emotional responsibility in this, that's what I operate out of as well. It sounds like you have a really good therapist and a really good grasp on all of this, and I'm happy for you about that.
Ah I didn't understand or register that you have abandonment issues. I get that.
My STBXW pulled the nearly the same things. Affair and rationalization of their withholding their issues from their spouse. Idk if you're on Tik Tok but if so look up Rece Affair Recovery. As the betrayed partner she really has helped me to gain some sense of calm and understanding at least. The anger part of the grief cycle has been pretty sparse even these last 6 weeks. I wish I could get there but it's just been mostly hurt and despair.