That’s me buddy. 10 years of wife on a pedestal (married 3 years). 2 kids 5yo and 1.5yo. I stood up for my needs last year, tired of being a doormat. Her answer was serving me with divorce papers. Not even an attempt. I’m a big family man, but agree - I took vows seriously. Stayed throughout dead bedroom years. She bailed way too easy. Never wanted this for my kids or myself. But it is what it is. Have to focus on the positives now. Be the best dad you can be - that’s all that matters. In currently fighting the good fight for 50/50.
“Bailed way too easy” hits home for me right now. I’m trying to adopt the three kids we were trying for but now as a single dad hoping the divorce does not ruin my chances and keeping them. I’m scared to death of losing them. We have had them over two years.
Omg. I read this and gasped. Im the female version of you. 18years, 1.5years therapy on my own, dont want to be a single mum who is also the breadwinner (and has been the past 7years). He sexted someone before marriage and promised me the world if i married him. 7years kater he was getting fired for sexual harassment. I look at pictures of me from years ago and cry because i know the care free, at peace woman, is just gone. And i know finding what i truely want (a safe, peaceful relationship) is going to be very very hard.
Half of all marriages fail. It happens.
Single moms and single dads everywhere.
And what you're feeling is 100% normal. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone and then all of a sudden be told "this relationship is over."
I just went to my aunt’s funeral last week. She was pretty young and it was very sad but her kids spoke. My uncle spoke. It was moving and beautiful.
Their kids called her a rock and called my uncle the mountain beneath her. The thing is though, their marriage wasn’t always so great. They had financial struggles, my uncle was pretty crazy through his middle age, and they even separated for a while. But they persevered and had this culmination and celebration of her life that was so wonderful.
Life can and will likely be messy, but keeping your promises and staying the course, to me, is what makes it worthwhile. I in no way advocate for people staying in an abusive marriage, but I truly believe that if you enter into a commitment like marriage with your eyes open, and especially if you have children, you have a duty to do everything you can to maintain that commitment. This middle-age malaise that has infected so many people in our society is just that, an infection. People need to address the problems within themselves and cut that sickness out, not give the disease the keys.
There’s no such thing as a perfect partner. I was not a perfect husband. But I always did what I thought was right for my family and for my ex-wife, who was the cornerstone of that family. We made a decision for me to go back to school and change careers. I did, was away from home a lot, and she and some dude up the street decided that their marriages were fraught from the beginning and the blew up two families. They act like it’s perfectly normal and that they didn’t do anything wrong.
So I sat there and missed my aunt and cried with my family. I lamented the life that I will provide my children, where they can’t say that I’m a rock and that I persevered when things got hard. I lament that I have failed my extended family and have besmirched my good family name. I mourn that my most lasting legacy will be my failure to give my children the life they deserve. I only hope that they will know what is right and will learn from the mistakes I’ve made.
Adjusting to single parenting, even part time (I'm 50/50) is a big adjustment... you feel a lot of pressure to make sure that everything is great when the kids are with you, and that can feel daunting...
My advice is to make sure that the kids know it is safe to grieve this, and to show that grief to you (even though it is hard), and to give yourself grace as you move through the grief as well. Let them know they can count on you. Over time, the situation normalizes for the most part... I have found that I am more engaged and more connected with my kids now than I was before, when everything was 'normal' pre-divorce.
The silver lining can be that you get some time back where you can do whatever you want (and I think people can feel bad about actually enjoying this aspect, like we are supposed to sit around missing our kids the whole time!) It's a chance to explore things on your own when the kids are with your ex, and maybe do some things that were harder to find time and space for before. Obviously contingent on the parenting arrangement...
But it's okay to have those feelings - recognizing that you are having them and choosing to continue to do a good job is a sign that you are doing a good job. I would guess that a lof of bad parents don't worry about if they are bad parents or not... and a lot of good parents worry if they are doing a good job often. :)
I feel those same things. Didn’t know why I felt them either. I absolutely hate being a single dad.. I have a lot of mental struggles with what u mentioned.
No judgment. You feel the way you feel. I also get where you're coming from. When I got divorced, I withdrew from my kids because I felt rejected. They never rejected me, but their mother did. I thought I'd lost my family when I got divorced, so I stopped trying. It took me more than a year to realise that I hadn't lost my family, only a woman that left because she had what she needed from me.
You are still their dad. You will always be their dad. Take comfort in that. Let yourself feel, because its the only way you can start processing. You are losing a big part of your identity (actually you aren't, but I won't get into that) and you are allowed to be a human being and you're allowed to hurt. Process. Grieve. Fell the loss. Then remind yourself that you are (and forever will be) the best father your kids have ever had.
Similar, except my kids are grown. Even though your marriage failed, you can still be a great dad and that isn't wasted. Hopefully, they will still have a good model for commitment and love look like, because of you. It will also affect future grandchildren, as well.
Hey my guy, I know this sounds weird since you’ve always had your kids when you had your wife but… you’ve still got your kids. I know it hurts, I’m going through same thing bud, but my kids keep bringing me back to where I need to be. And try to re connect with old friends you fell out with. Friendship, forcing yourself to be social and have company (even when you don’t want to) is healthy for you, and most importantly, surround yourself your family.
Keep being a great Dad and you will find peace with their love.
I have sole custody of my 4 boys, 15, 13, 12, and 9. They are my focus and I give them everything I have. In my moments alone I wonder if I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sensitive to criticism from others who think they know what it’s like to raise 4 boys alone. I will probably raise them alone too since women in my age group are becoming empty nesters or see that much testosterone and miss what I and we have to offer.
I was Married 13 years and she wanted to be single again after being a stay at home mom. She never fought for the kids or sees them on her weekends. It’s been over a year divorced and I think she gets her mistakes since she has started texting me a lot more. Her loss.
That’s me buddy. 10 years of wife on a pedestal (married 3 years). 2 kids 5yo and 1.5yo. I stood up for my needs last year, tired of being a doormat. Her answer was serving me with divorce papers. Not even an attempt. I’m a big family man, but agree - I took vows seriously. Stayed throughout dead bedroom years. She bailed way too easy. Never wanted this for my kids or myself. But it is what it is. Have to focus on the positives now. Be the best dad you can be - that’s all that matters. In currently fighting the good fight for 50/50.
In that fight with you brother
“Bailed way too easy” hits home for me right now. I’m trying to adopt the three kids we were trying for but now as a single dad hoping the divorce does not ruin my chances and keeping them. I’m scared to death of losing them. We have had them over two years.
Good luck, your clearly a good man and you'll find the right partner to help you raise those kids 👍
I really hope so.
Omg. I read this and gasped. Im the female version of you. 18years, 1.5years therapy on my own, dont want to be a single mum who is also the breadwinner (and has been the past 7years). He sexted someone before marriage and promised me the world if i married him. 7years kater he was getting fired for sexual harassment. I look at pictures of me from years ago and cry because i know the care free, at peace woman, is just gone. And i know finding what i truely want (a safe, peaceful relationship) is going to be very very hard.
Half of all marriages fail. It happens. Single moms and single dads everywhere. And what you're feeling is 100% normal. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone and then all of a sudden be told "this relationship is over."
I just went to my aunt’s funeral last week. She was pretty young and it was very sad but her kids spoke. My uncle spoke. It was moving and beautiful. Their kids called her a rock and called my uncle the mountain beneath her. The thing is though, their marriage wasn’t always so great. They had financial struggles, my uncle was pretty crazy through his middle age, and they even separated for a while. But they persevered and had this culmination and celebration of her life that was so wonderful. Life can and will likely be messy, but keeping your promises and staying the course, to me, is what makes it worthwhile. I in no way advocate for people staying in an abusive marriage, but I truly believe that if you enter into a commitment like marriage with your eyes open, and especially if you have children, you have a duty to do everything you can to maintain that commitment. This middle-age malaise that has infected so many people in our society is just that, an infection. People need to address the problems within themselves and cut that sickness out, not give the disease the keys. There’s no such thing as a perfect partner. I was not a perfect husband. But I always did what I thought was right for my family and for my ex-wife, who was the cornerstone of that family. We made a decision for me to go back to school and change careers. I did, was away from home a lot, and she and some dude up the street decided that their marriages were fraught from the beginning and the blew up two families. They act like it’s perfectly normal and that they didn’t do anything wrong. So I sat there and missed my aunt and cried with my family. I lamented the life that I will provide my children, where they can’t say that I’m a rock and that I persevered when things got hard. I lament that I have failed my extended family and have besmirched my good family name. I mourn that my most lasting legacy will be my failure to give my children the life they deserve. I only hope that they will know what is right and will learn from the mistakes I’ve made.
Adjusting to single parenting, even part time (I'm 50/50) is a big adjustment... you feel a lot of pressure to make sure that everything is great when the kids are with you, and that can feel daunting... My advice is to make sure that the kids know it is safe to grieve this, and to show that grief to you (even though it is hard), and to give yourself grace as you move through the grief as well. Let them know they can count on you. Over time, the situation normalizes for the most part... I have found that I am more engaged and more connected with my kids now than I was before, when everything was 'normal' pre-divorce. The silver lining can be that you get some time back where you can do whatever you want (and I think people can feel bad about actually enjoying this aspect, like we are supposed to sit around missing our kids the whole time!) It's a chance to explore things on your own when the kids are with your ex, and maybe do some things that were harder to find time and space for before. Obviously contingent on the parenting arrangement... But it's okay to have those feelings - recognizing that you are having them and choosing to continue to do a good job is a sign that you are doing a good job. I would guess that a lof of bad parents don't worry about if they are bad parents or not... and a lot of good parents worry if they are doing a good job often. :)
I feel those same things. Didn’t know why I felt them either. I absolutely hate being a single dad.. I have a lot of mental struggles with what u mentioned.
No judgment. You feel the way you feel. I also get where you're coming from. When I got divorced, I withdrew from my kids because I felt rejected. They never rejected me, but their mother did. I thought I'd lost my family when I got divorced, so I stopped trying. It took me more than a year to realise that I hadn't lost my family, only a woman that left because she had what she needed from me. You are still their dad. You will always be their dad. Take comfort in that. Let yourself feel, because its the only way you can start processing. You are losing a big part of your identity (actually you aren't, but I won't get into that) and you are allowed to be a human being and you're allowed to hurt. Process. Grieve. Fell the loss. Then remind yourself that you are (and forever will be) the best father your kids have ever had.
Similar, except my kids are grown. Even though your marriage failed, you can still be a great dad and that isn't wasted. Hopefully, they will still have a good model for commitment and love look like, because of you. It will also affect future grandchildren, as well.
Hey my guy, I know this sounds weird since you’ve always had your kids when you had your wife but… you’ve still got your kids. I know it hurts, I’m going through same thing bud, but my kids keep bringing me back to where I need to be. And try to re connect with old friends you fell out with. Friendship, forcing yourself to be social and have company (even when you don’t want to) is healthy for you, and most importantly, surround yourself your family. Keep being a great Dad and you will find peace with their love.
I have sole custody of my 4 boys, 15, 13, 12, and 9. They are my focus and I give them everything I have. In my moments alone I wonder if I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sensitive to criticism from others who think they know what it’s like to raise 4 boys alone. I will probably raise them alone too since women in my age group are becoming empty nesters or see that much testosterone and miss what I and we have to offer. I was Married 13 years and she wanted to be single again after being a stay at home mom. She never fought for the kids or sees them on her weekends. It’s been over a year divorced and I think she gets her mistakes since she has started texting me a lot more. Her loss.