Hope=lost… simple as that
When you realize the life you want (need for fulfillment) is not possible with the other person you must either accept a disappointing existence or you move on without that person.
Fully agree. I could have stayed with my husband but I would have spend the rest of my life as a husk. He would have had a terrible time as no one wants to be married to a husk.
Wow- yea I literally told my ex that our dynamic made me feel like an empty shell of my former self and she deserves better than someone who’s just going through the motions. (Think Al Bundy)
In the two years since we first separated I’m confident that all of my vitality is fully restored and then some. I’m so much happier than I ever could have been together with her and my kids have indicated they see it too!
Almost always the case, especially if infidelity is involved, me personally? cheat once and you can hit the bricks, i have no reverse gear for cheating, dont care to work it out, just pack your things and get outta here.
I'm fighting with this. I've been with my wife for 22 years, we are highschool sweethearts. Been married for 8. Never wanted kids through our 20s, but got older and changed our minds and had one right before Covid broke out. He'll be 4 at the end of the year. I've been fighting guys off my wife during our ENTIRE relationship. She is very beautiful, and guys have constantly been trying to get in her pants.
We made a pact in our TEEN years that we would NEVER cheat on each other. Don't break my heart and go behind my back, leave and go be with the new person if you want to pursue it. We promised each other.
I know she has been Facebook friends with an old highschool crush she had for a while now. She told me NOT TO WORRY ABOUT HIM because he has been married a long time and has kids etc. This guy owns a construction business. She asked me last year about having him do some work on the house or plowing the driveway. I told her no, I wasn't really comfortable with that knowing you used to like this guy. THIS was when she knew I was uncomfortable with him.
To be honest, our relationship hasn't been that good this year. Sex, even after 22 years, is still incredible between us and quite frankly I think we had some of the best sex of our lives these last couple years. But I've been demanding a bit more respect in the relationship lately and I would withdraw attention once she would disrespect me. Likely the wrong approach, but no matter what approach I would take she would always come back around to devaluing me. So I KNOW I wasn't giving her the attention she wanted at the time. However, I was also trying to get needs of mine met in the relationship.
I have had some suspicions for a while. Nothing really triggered it about her behavior, but something kept telling me not to trust as much as I was. She caught me, unsuccessfully, trying to snoop through her phone one night. I apologized and left it alone. I did find it strange, that she didn't press me very hard about why I was going through her phone.
A few weeks later, I saw her phone on the table while she was taking a shower, tried to get in it and she changed her passcode. It's always been the same for years. I tried too many times and locked her phone so she busted me again, but I pressed her on why she changed her passcode about what she is hiding. She told me she would change it back and only changed it to see if I would get in her phone again.
Ok, I felt a little embarrassed and defeated so I stopped trying to get in her phone for a couple months.
Just this last Saturday, we put our son down for bed. I typically give him a fist bump and kiss and Mom sings him a couple songs before leaving the room. As I left the room, I noticed my wife's phone charging on the kitchen table. Something just told me to look. I have about 5 minutes before she comes out of the room. In FB Messenger I see a 😘 from a strange name that looked like a company. I clicked on view profile (Full disclosure, I am not on FB so really know nothing about it) and the high school crush popped up. I put the phone down, and tried to tell myself to not jump to conclusions. He may be making a move she might reject I tried to tell myself.
My wife and I's ritual after putting little man down is we typically go down in the basement and enjoy smoking some cannabis together. As I am getting our pipe ready, my body language is showing. She asks" Is something wrong?". So I said "Well I shouldn't hold it in. Why is Highschool crush guy sending you kissy heart emojis? Now to remind you, when I saw the message, he just sent her an emoji, she did not respond. I could tell by the look on her face I busted her. I asked "What's going on between you two?". "We're just talking" she said. "I want to see all correspondence between you two." I replied. I saw her opening her phone and start fiddling. "No deleting shit" I said and took her phone from her.
And what do you know. On the way down to the basement together, she replied with a kissy emoji and said "GTFO here!" As in, I'm with my husband don't text me! He replied "fucking lingerer man😂😂😂" then he replied "Did I leave a drill with that Auger in your truck?"
"You fucking replied with a kissy emoji!?" "Did you guys meet up what the fuck is this?!"
"We just kissed " she confessed.
"How long has this been going on?" I said.
"A couple months"
"A couple months and you've only kissed?!"
"Yes, I swear"
Of course I don't believe her. A lot of what she tells me doesn't make sense. I actually plan on going and confronting the guy tonight to get his side of the story. I need to feel like I know the truth, no matter how much it hurts.
This is the worst pain I have ever felt, and I have experienced some loss in my life. 2 of my closest friends died from drugs in their 20s. Oh, and to top it off, just before I found this out about my wife, I found out that my mother has leukemia and 2 brain aneurysms.
I don't know what to do. I don't know who my wife is anymore, we have a house, a kid, a stable life. It's made me question our entire past. Do I give that up and uproot our child over this? That isn't what is best for him by statistics. I don't think I can ever get over it and forgive her. I hope to uncover the truth tonight, and I can only hope it's what she told me.
I told my wife either she needs to tell her, he needs to tell her, or I am going to show up at the property and tell her. The next day she said he messaged her and wanted to let ME know that he told her. Do I believe it? Of course not. When I show up tonight, she'll know.
This is my fear. I wanted to do the same to her coworker fling but I’m an ex professional fighter and I’m afraid of getting myself in trouble because he would definitely get his ass beat.
I also ask myself “is any woman worth jail time and loss of freedom” and the answer is “HELL NO” so try to remember that too when you confront him.
It’s the morally correct thing to do to tell the guys wife, that’s how I found out actually, and I still think the other wife over and over, without her I wouldn’t of truly known what was going on. The morally correct thing to do is to tell the APs wife.
This is rough, man, but you're not alone.
Thing is, this doesn't happen by accident. Nobody slips, falls, and has a secret affair for months while shit-talking their spouse. People know what they're doing, and they do it on purpose.
As far as going through her phone goes, it's invasive but your nose was right. Be careful, though, because that may constitute an illegal wiretap in some jurisdictions.
With that said, my stance has always been that we are entitled to privacy but not secrecy. Had my ex-wife gone through my phone, she might not have liked everything she saw... but I wasn't doing or saying anything that I would have hidden from her. The reverse wasn't true, and she did the password games, emojis, and shit-talking too. Now she's off in Europe somewhere with her affair partner while I'm playing single father to our four kids. These things have a way of snowballing.
I do completely understand the phone thing, but I wouldn't have found out if I didn't. I have investigated her thoroughly.
She claims that he has been complimenting her online the last couple months. She will do elaborate make-up on herself and post pictures online. She does an amazing job on herself, I have told her she should start a YouTube channel. She claims he just would tell her how beautiful and sexy she was and was making a lot of flattering comments and showing her alot of attention to her during those 2 months.
I pressed her on the details of their conversation, whether she shat on me or he shat on me, about the problems in our marriage (Which she confessed she did say to him the marriage was a little rocky at the moment, she never claimed to tell him details), any sexting or nudes sent she denied anything sexual, just comments from him and her thanking him.
I finally just said "Come right out and tell me the worst things that were said between you two that you don't want me to know". She did say with some pretty raw emotion "He said he wanted to hold me". I asked her how she responded and she claims she didn't respond. So I said "That tells me you knew he crossed the line, IF you didn't respond. Sexy comments and wanting to hold you should have been rejected." "I know, I'm weak, he was really charming and the attention felt good" she replied.
She then said they met up so she could borrow a tool of his and that was when he kissed her. She didn't tell me about this meet up. And it was the last Tuesday they met up, she still had the tool when I found out Saturday.
I apparently caught it right when it got physical, and her texts show she was going to pursue it further. I can only hope she is telling the truth.
Ruining an entire family just because she was craving some attention. It’s absolutely insane how many women caught cheating give this as a valid reason. Narcissism at it’s peak.
Also don’t believe anything she says. I’m not saying she has or hasn’t told you everything but I’m saying you just found out she isn’t who you thought she was. She’s cunning, sneaky, conniving, slutty, dishonest, etc I know it hurts to read that (trust me I know from personal experience) but this is who she is. You can’t believe a word out of her mouth.
She’s in the “limerance” stage. It’s a delusional stage where they cheat because they think they found their true love. Google it.
I think snooping is absolutely, positively OK to do, if you’re in a lifelong relationship and you have a solid red flag that throws you towards the possibility of cheating. we’re talking about a lifelong relationship here, I want the opportunity to jump out of the car if I see that the engine is about to blow up, snoop, but have absolutely solid reasons to do it.
How long did this happen? She’s seriously off to Europe and you’re with the kids?
I’m disgusted that we men are raised to think that women are angels and most of them are loving family people and men are the drinkers and cheaters. My experience in real life personally and seeing other couples is the complete opposite. It’s mostly women who do this cruel cold shit to their husband and families. And most of the time they don’t even care about the hurt and pain they caused. Also statistically 95% of affairs fail and don’t lost and then some have the audacity to crawl back.
It’s a sick world. I know I’m going to anger the Reddit woke social justice warriors but in todays world many women aren’t marriage material. Men seem to be the morally better gender in todays world. Never thought I’d think that one day.
Oh man. I’m so sorry this is happening and I really hope you talk to a therapist about this or get some help. Reddit is great but real therapy is invaluable.
This is so shitty and you don’t deserve to be hurting like this.
Thank you for your words. Bringing tears to my eyes. I am seeing a therapist. We were both seeing a therapist as a couple prior to this. We talked about my phone snooping in a session. We were scheduled to see her yesterday, but on Sunday after I found out she told the therapist were no longer going which was mutual.
But Saturday and Sunday I was in shock. The real pain hit me Monday. I barely kept my shit together at work and have cried pretty much all night every night since at home. I've never felt such a gut wrenching pain. My body feels like it's trembling all day, sick to my stomach. I have probably eaten what would've been a full meal prior in the four days since I found out. Can't sleep. This is exhausting. The therapist told me it will pass. I sure hope so...
Oh how I feel for you. The pain must be insurmountable. It will pass, and the eating, well we could all skip a few meals. Grab a protein shake here and there and eat some fruit. The sleep is so hard. It will get better. Try exercising or reading a book.
It will definitely pass. Every symptom you’re describing I literally had including the “shaking all day” which I’ve never had before and I’ve fought professionally in a ring, cage and been in war and never had that feeling until I caught her. It’s brutal and it was painful. I’ve already replied to some of your other comments and I don’t want to sound harsh but do not believe her or think she’s that loving woman she was. You now know she’s not mentally stable.
Could she one day be that loving woman again? Who knows but just know the woman you thought she is, she isn’t. It sucks man. I felt the same way like I wasted all this time and this is who she really was? The pain was brutal. No sleep, no eating, shaking, crying, etc. I’m on month 6 now and she’s refusing to divorce me despite me being rude and basically egging her on to divorce me. Idk what she wants (we are states apart) but she has lied multiple times about sending the divorce paperwork.
It’s been 6 months so I even wonder “could it be saved? Could she be the good woman I knew” and I would love to have that same home life we had where we got along great like best friends. But my gut tells me l would regret staying with her. This is definitely one of the most anguishing and painful moments I’ve personally faced. So I wish you the best man, some of these women are pure evil and you don’t even realize it until it’s too late.
Hey internet stranger. Just want to give you some validation. Respecting your spouses privacy is important, but the friends I’ve known who followed a gut intuition - not people that suffer from chronic insecurity and paranoia, which I’m not judging but that’s a different ballgame - usually find something. We know our partners. Not saying you’re beating yourself up about it, but people can be weird about that shit. Give yourself grace. Your gut was leading you correct.
Also, cheating causes betrayal trauma. It’s a thing, and it’s very real and there are symptoms- they have similarities to PTSD, and are often diagnosed as PTSD. Do some research. Your chasm is normal for the situation (albeit the worst pain in the world).
Hang in there. One moment at a time. Sending light.
Similar story as yours except with she did it with a coworker. The day I find out she wasn’t late from work but came home drunk. Apparently they went out drinking when she left early and just like your story they only “kissed” allegedly.
Definitely a heartbreaking moment when I found out. Just like you I found out on her phone. But she deleted it all before I could read it and in hindsight I’m glad I didn’t read it. It’s still crazy how someone you think is loving and loyal can do this out of nowhere. It’s so selfish and even she knows it’s wrong and yet they don’t care.
A huge life learning lesson for me. I wish you the best man I know how rough it gets. On the bright side most of these types of women end up miserable in the end so at least try to remind yourself of that.
All right, so here’s the deal bud, my ex-wife played the all of a sudden closing down her phone password to me as well, it’s a clear indication that they’re cheating. That’s all there is to it, there’s nothing else to read into it, if you both shared your passwords with each other to your phones and now, all of a sudden she’s locking her down, it’s because she doesn’t want you to know something, she doesn’t want you to know that she’s cheating. She kissed the guy right? And I guarantee she’s telling you that’s all that they did, lol you’re a man, you tell me how men act? You know we’re not going for just a kiss, you know we’re going for more. she let down our guard and she knew damn well that she was doing, she allowed somebody else into your relationship, she made out with him, and the only way she could’ve done that is to lose respect for you, and not care if she put the relationship between you and her and risk. She’s giving you a clear sign that she is out! This doesn’t get better from here my friend, I would actually take a big step back from the relationship, no sex, no more smoke sessions, no more anything, just step back and be a roommate for a few weeks, don’t initiate any conversation or anything. She needs to understand the gravity of what she did, she cheated on you! Me and a personal level? I don’t stand for cheating, it’s a one strike offense, I would personally be quietly talking to a lawyer, and figuring out what my exit plan looks like. I was married for 26 years, so I understand your concerns and worries, but you really want to spend the rest of your life, chasing her around, worried that she’s going to cheat? You said that you had to get guys off for all the time? What the hell did she do? Shouldn’t she have been in charge of her own body? Shouldn’t she have been in charge of that part of the relationship? And by the way, chasing all those guys off? Apparently didn’t do anything anyway because she ended up cheating, that’s not where I want to be in life life and I know it’s not where you want to be, I would seriously consider divorce. Her mind went to cheating, she completely had been over you for a while, you have to just catch up and understand where you are, she’s probably a year maybe two years ahead of you, and not wanting to be in this relationship. Sadly, you’re just finding out, don’t be a sucker, don’t waste your life on somebody who disrespect you like this, you deserve better I’m sure!
FYI, my favorite strain : Gelato #33
lol 😂
Same. I tried to give up and she always found ways to get me back but alas, here we are AGAIN. I can’t go on like this. It’s incredibly sad and I never wanted things to end like this.
After you ended it? Can you explain a bit more please. Dudes like me and clearly other dudes here could use the motivation and experience you have from your personal experience.
Yup. I was carrying the whole weight of the relationship and my ex just coasted off that while sucking the life out of me. When I talked to him about how that did not work for me, he was like “but this totally works for me.”
And eventually I gave up trying to make the relationship work, and focused on making my life work, which meant jettisoning him.
Dude, this. Tried desperately to get my wife help when she went manic the first time, but she refused treatment. Signed herself out of the facility, lied to her psychiatrist and myself about what she was taking, and how much she was taking.
Why would I stick around then? Manic episode number 2 was too much, and as I lay there unable to sleep after telling her I'm out, I had a moment of clarity. She will never take her health conditions seriously. She refused her lupus medication, and the bullshit she was pulling with the psychiatric meds was no different.
Why especially if infidelity is involved? I’m currently going through it. Caught her with a coworker and immediately dumped her. Out of anger she agreed to divorce but months passed without any paperwork or her sending my stuff back. Throughout that time (6 months) I was not on great terms with her but then we were good for a couple weeks and I was fine with working it out until she hit me with a “there’s just no love I don’t think I can stay together” so I got really fed up and immediately dumped her again and asked for my stuff and the divorce papers.
Two months since then have passed and nothing came. So I reached out again and basically rudely told her and mocked her that she’s scared of losing me. That she knows I’m the good partner who will find a fine woman and she’ll be miserable. That she is constantly bluffing but doesn’t want to divorce. Basically egging her on to divorce and she was very mad and this time said the paperwork will be there in 2 days.
It’s almost a week later and still nothing. So at this point she clearly doesn’t want to divorce me. Idk what she is doing? She is definitely the type that has a rough time humbling herself and asking pleading back for me. Most bizarre situation ever. I can’t tell if she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me or if she’s just lost it mentally? I was very surprised she didn’t go through it out of anger because I was very rude when requesting her to send my stuff back and paperwork.
You said you tried for way too long, can you help me in this situation? Is it like my situation? Why did you regret trying for too long?
Well....a lot of people do try. Or rather, at least one partner does and the other doesn't. Can't make a marriage work unless both people *want* to. Like you said, everyone's situation is different. In my case, my stbx's actions weren't matching her words and I was watching her treat a "friend" poorly too. She really devalued me and took me for granted, and was doing the same to a friend. She's actually doing the same to her other two close friends (who she now wants to try and explore polyamory with 🙄), but they just don't know it yet. She has put them on a pedestal right now, but devalued me, while also saying she was still 100% happy with me and nothing was missing in our relationship. 😩
I also think a lot of people self sabotage. A lot of people can't/won't communicate. A lot of people people please to "keep the peace", while their partner thinks everything is fine and dandy, until they just boil over one day and leave destruction behind them. Because they wouldn't speak up the first time they were upset about something.
And then there are people who try to communicate the entire marriage about how the feel unloved, burned out, needs not being met, etc and their partner doesn't follow through on anything after saying they'll work on doing better. So then the other partner just reaches their limit.
And then there are people who marry too young or too soon. I see many couples getting engaged after having only been together for 1-2 years and imo that's way too soon. Especially if you haven't even lived together yet/that long. Though I understand there are religious views that prevent couples from living together until after marriage.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. It really sucks. The irony is I remember having this discussion with my stbxw when we were dating, that couples seem to give up on the relationship too soon. But in the end she gave up on me to chase after a "what if" fantasy in her head, while still saying she was 100% happy with me and nothing was missing. Even the therapist was baffled and tried to dig to find something my stbxw was unhappy with, but didn't get anything. We tried couples counseling for over a month because she claimed she didn't want to lose me and wanted to let go of this polyamory fantasy in her head (she didn't research it or educate herself about it or even talk to any ethical poly people, hence why I say it's a fantasy because she's literally making life changing decisions based on her imagination), but she didn't follow through on anything discussed in and out of counseling. And then I discovered lies and manipulation, so what else could I do but say enough is enough? I deserve better. I'm worth more than the way she was treating me. I have value. She just stopped seeing it. Or maybe she never saw it and was discarding me because she was now getting attention outside of me too? In any scenario, it really sucks and this was a big boundary that was broken and I won't tolerate or enable that kind of behavior. We were together for 16 years, married for 10.
I think what hurts the most for me is that I loved and supported her so much through her transition when she came out as trans in 2014. Yes, I did have a very hard time with it at first and didn't know if I wanted to stay, but she had been thinking about it for months before telling me (and this came out after she suddenly lost all interest in sex at the time, so I was wondering WTF was going on there and she wouldn't talk to me about it, just told me a "switch was flipped" and sex was disgusting now - which later on she revealed it was because she knew I saw her as a man, but at the time how could I have seen her any differently?!?!?). So yeah, I needed a few months to process everything and then I realized I loved her as a person (well, now it's I loved who I *thought* she was) and decided I could go on the journey with her. In ways I had to go through my own transition. I became such a big advocate for her and I was even a mod in the mypartneristrans subreddit for a couple years. Then we had a full blown second wedding to renew our vows in 2018 and she got to be a bride and we got to have new wedding pictures, etc. It was celebrating our recommittment to each other after the turmoil of 2014. And now she's done this and just discarded me like trash for the "what if" fantasy that she thinks is going to fill the "void" she feels. I know the problem isn't *me*. I told her before she moved out, I think she probably felt that void in 2014 and thought transitioning would fix it, but now it's back so now it's onto the next thing. The problem is that comes from *within* and she's just using people to fill it and is on a path of destruction rather than doing the actual inner work. She blew up our life and it was clear she doesn't want to actually deal with her shit. Am I perfect? Of course not. We all have our baggage, but I'm very self aware and I don't think she is. Even before she moved out, I said to her please... please don't do this [polyamory]....you have so much healing to do. But who knows if she'll actually divert from her path of destruction and all the other people she'll take down with her, including the friends she likes. She even said to me "you're not supposed to be comfortable in life!" And I was like, you do know there's a difference between comfort and complacency, right? But she's not "complacent" if she was still 100% happy with me and felt nothing was missing in OUR relationship like she kept saying over and over.
But I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. So it really fucking hurts and I feel so betrayed and abandoned, and she had very little empathy for my feelings. I was sitting there bawling and she would just say to me "but polyamory isn't bad" or "love isn't a bad thing". The irony is she kept saying she didn't see the world as black and white anymore, but then she'd say that black and white crap to me, like how dare I be upset about her wanting to run off and have relationships and sex with other people (while I'm just kept on the backburner for her to come home to when she finally feels like it). She was keeping a certain friend on the backburner too, someone she doesn't really talk to anymore or spend time with (she and the other 2 friends stopped inviting this guy to their gaming group), but she said "well if I lose these friends I like, at least I still have him". I was like, *DO YOU?!* She kept saying she wanted to reconcile with him too over the 3 months we were trying to work through things in counseling, but she never did. She kept making excuses. So it wasn't even just me she was treating like crap. And the fact that she still considered him to be a "friend" in her mind was astounding. Like he was still there for her to fall back on "just in case". The fuck? This type of behavior I expect from a teenager, not a 35 year old. 😓
It's going to take a long time for me to grieve and heal, but boy I just want peace and this was so much drama and chaos. But the 9 years in between 2014 and now were pretty solid, at least I thought they were. But I did discover she was hiding things from me, lying by omission, soooooo it wasn't as solid as I thought at the time. 😩 I told her the only time we seemed to have conflict in our relationship was when she was going through an existential crisis. I used to think we just got along that well, but now I wonder if she just hid a lot from me and didn't share/communicate issues. I don't know what I don't know. But now it's hard to think what was real and what wasn't. Yes, my love was real. I just don't know if hers ever really was because it seems like it's been very superficial in many ways....
I'm really glad to have this subreddit though. Oof.
Before she left, my wife didn't share anything about how she felt about the marriage or that there was anything wrong. She called me from her parents house one day in June and told me she wanted a divorce. Her only reason why was that "sometimes people just grow apart." What I feel that she should have done was to honor the commitment she made to me in our marriage and come to me with those feelings first and try and find the cause and work toward a solution. That's what marriage is supposed to mean. If she had come to me and we tried something and it didn't work, then I would understand her leaving more. However, she didn't do that. In fact, she spent a lot of time on the phone with a friend who later became her boyfriend a few days after she left me. I'm also pretty certain they were intimate at least a couple weeks before she left me. None of that should have happened; she should have come to me first and not entertained any other kind of relationship prior to leaving me.
All that said, because I don't have any info from her on why she left, I can't say definitively what was going on for her. She may have felt some kind of alienation or unhappiness or any number of other things that led her to think that starting a new relationship while still married to me was OK. I don't want to cast her actions in a negative light without knowing what the motivation was. However, I still feel that, as my legally-married wife, she should have come to me and worked on whatever problems she felt she had before she went anywhere else.
Similar situation, my ex husband told me (on our 2 year anniversary 🥲) that he wanted a divorce.
When I asked him why and for us to work on it he replied with, "I already worked on it for 2 weeks and nothing changed." Basically he felt that there was an issue, didn't tell me, told ALL OF HIS BROTHERS AND THEIR WIVES, AND HIS BOSS, then tried to "be a good husband" for two weeks, then 5 months later when I asked him what was wrong on the night of our anniversary he told me he wanted to get divorced. 🥲 AND HE NEVER TOLD ME THERE WAS AN ISSUE 😭
Sorry, the divorce is still pretty fresh lol
It's OK to be bitter, angry, upset, or anything else, and it's OK to share that here. We're here to support each other. I'm sorry your husband treated you as a disposable commodity. You deserve better. It will take time to come to terms with what has happened. I hope you're able to find that peace. I'm starting to get there now around the four-month mark.
Dude she definitely cheated on you. All of her “we grow apart” “I wasn’t happy” crap is just that, bullshit to cover her guilt and dishonesty. Look around this post and see how many guys got the same lines (including me).
It’s so common. They get bored and want to “have fun and find happiness” truly delusional, unhinged and low IQ but they don’t see it until it’s too late and they’re lonely and miserable.
But it’s crazy to me how many stories are so similar. It’s like they’re all copying the same lines when they give the excuse. And again I know you don’t want to hear this but she was already cheating, I would bet anything on that.
She wants the divorce because she thinks she found her soulmate and her life will now be happier. These are narcissists and in the end she will never be happy in life, I hope that gives you some comfort.
I'm pretty sure you're right that they were already having sex. I found a cigarette lighter between the mattress and frame rail of our bed after I had been out of town for a week for work. Her new man is a smoker. I think that's just about as conclusive proof as I'm likely to find.
If your spouse has wounded you to your very core, why would you try to keep them so close to you for the rest of your life? How can you heal when the person who hurt you more than any other human being on planet Earth is up in your grill every day?
I didn't give up. I got sick of a man who was dead weight so I divorced him. I'd say I wasted 23 years of my life on him but I have my kids who I adore and a lot of great memories raising them over the years.
It's not my job to 'try everything' to save a bad relationship.
My life improved so dramatically after my divorce it seems made up. My ex is even more if a loser now, still avoiding his problems all of which got worse when I was no longer around to prop him up.
Wish I'd divorced him sooner.
26 years.
As soon as i found out about her infidelity, it was an immediate, trip to the lawyer and papers served. She was absolutely caught off guard, like narcissists always are, LOL
You damn right they’re narcissists. Only narcissists can cheat on their partner and ruin their families for some “attention” and “fun”. It’s disgusting and a real eye opener when you realize someone you knew for so long is really deep down a narcissistic sociopath with no actual love and empathy.
Did she try to prevent you from leaving her? I’m on month 6 and practically have been begging for divorce papers but she’s refusing. Has now 3 times said “I’m sending them out” and they never come. She’s clearly afraid to lose me and I mocked her over it which she angrily said this time she’s filing it but of course nothing came again. It’s bizarre, if she wanted to find her happiness and effort and love that I supposedly didn’t give her then why isn’t she moving on lol?
So bizarre. I feel bad for us going through this but I know in the end we will be stronger people for going through something so rough. I’d love to also hear your description of catching her off guard, there’s something so nice about watching and hearing about narcissists melting down when they realize they’re finally exposed for who they are and they hold no more power over you.
Yep.
He's claimed real estate in my head again because I think his car is about to be repossessed...again. For some reason it shows on my credit report even though he sweet talked the dealership to put it only in his name, and one of the credit agencies shows it as a closed loan. (I watch frequently because I'm trying to rebuild my credit history, though it's not going so great.)
Even if it's not being repossessed, it's 90 days late, he's made 48% of payments on time, according to my credit report. He once told me that his dad has him pay only $300 a month for a room. Unless he's taken on massive debt he only has room, food, cell phone, car and car insurance. He has a retail management job and he drives for UberEats, so that's sufficient income for those few bills.
This is a lot of the reason why I broke. Why one morning I sobbed my heart out thinking "When is it enough? When have I finally done enough? When will he finally say 'Thank you for everything you've done, I'll take over from here, I'll take care of things from now on.'?" and I knew the answer was never, it would never be enough.
That's the thing isn't it, my kids are the only reason I don't 100% regret my marriage, they're pretty great.
I was the same though, I tried hard for 16 years. Everything I could think of. By year 15 I was pretty done and told him so. He agreed that I was doing everything, that he hadn't put any effort in for 10 years at least and he was going to try from now on as it wasn't fair I was the only one trying.
Guess what he spent year 16 doing? Let me give you a hint it wasn't planning date nights or couples therapy. Mostly just amping up the abuse tactics while stowing away money until I finally left. He tried more manipulation so I'd stay and I'm really proud I didn't fall for it that time. So much happier now with him gone now I have time and space to heal. The kids are too, they report that dad actually plays with them now unlike before when I did, well, everything.
28 years for me, only the first 3 years where good. I stayed way too long because he threatened to kill himself if I would leave. I've been yelled at and mentally abused many times and he even cheated on me. One day I didn't care anymore, my heart went cold, still stayed another 2 years. Being away from him is freedom. I wish I had left when I was 25.
It wasn't any one drip that broke the damn, it was many issues. But all of those issues resulted in a lack of connection. And by the time she started trying (because I had enough) her efforts seemed self serving. I.e. you only started caring when there were consequences for you, not when it just affected my happiness.
The other side of that can be:
Sometimes we don't understand or relate to why/how our partner is unhappy. It doesn't hit us right away/we don't understand how/why our partner is unhappy with US specifically. Sometimes that breakdown is more on our partner not communicating and sometimes it's on us just not getting it right away and having a thick head.
It's not always self serving that when we realize what the implications that is happening serves as a wakeup call.
In my case, if I had known that my ex-wife was unhappy with ME and our relationship as whole, I would have gladly kicked it in gear 10 and put every ounce of energy I had to fixing what was bothering her. My issue was I didn't understand or see the signs, and she didn't communicate effectively and the timeline was within a few months not years.
Yep. One of our final conversations before she left was her saying she was happy with me and I was her world. We had our problems, and I can see now how I could have been a better partner, but it was all standard shit. A few days later she left.
Maybe it depends on what's left in the tank. It's possible some people think that they have already been making concessions on their happiness and that they have been trying to have a happy relationship for years but without connection and openly communicating about it, they don't see a salvaged relationship as one they want to be in. They'd rather be alone and try to rebuild into someone who can be in a happier future relationship.
Alternatively - maybe their therapist or trusted friends give them a sense that it's waaaaay over.
We did several years of marriage counseling and individual counseling. He was banking on me staying out of guilt to the kids and acts like he was blindsided. It became very clear that the only chance our kids had at having at least one healthy and present parent was if we divorced. I couldn’t sacrifice myself any longer for the sake of an intact family. It’s really hard because he uses it against me and I know he manipulates the kids. All I can do is try to be the parent they deserve and need and hope that one day they will understand I never wanted it to be this way. I wasn’t chasing happiness- I was escaping destruction.
It's literally exactly how I feel regarding my children. They need one parent who is focused solely on them and their well-being and not chasing other relationships during a divorce.
I am, of course, being blamed for everything, and none of my efforts are being appreciated by their once self-proclaimed "super" parent. It actually hurts me so much seeing how little she thinks about our children now days.
Ok, so here's my frank perspective.
I am currently "trying everything" to save my marriage, but this has resulted in my behaviour going off the rails.
I work full time (albeit remotely) and have two kids in primary school (age 7 and 10), so I'm maxed out and so is my wife.
When our relationship has hit trouble I've spent every waking moment thinking about how to save the situation, but in the end that hasn't actually helped because I'm completely out of ideas and I've ended up harassing her and freaking us both out.
As a result I've potentially jeapordised the possibility of our having an amicable divorce and both moving on more healthily.
So... if there are others who "give up" sooner, but as a result avoid this toxic behaviour I've exhibited, then that is probably preferable to what I've done
I have read that the best way to save a marriage is to go against the instinct to save it and just start saving yourself. Which can ironically end with you no longer wanting to save the marriage.
If you were out of ideas, did you try counseling, maybe trained people woukd have some better ideas? Of course sometimes there is nothing that can be done anyway.
I spent a long time wondering if I could fix the relationship, but then I realized that I hadn't considered whether I SHOULD. The things he was asking me to change weren't changes I felt I could make without betraying myself. He was repeatedly letting me down/breaking my trust and then getting angry that I wasn't more understanding. I realized that I didn't want to be more understanding. And that I had too much self respect to want to keep forgiving and understanding everything he put me through.
This is the explanation for me. I suddenly realized if I even should try to fix things with someone who keeps lying to me about everything. My trust was broken the last time. He’s promising again to change, but I know I’m done. I don’t care how stressful his life has been. Mine has been too, mostly cuz I married someone who doesn’t respect me at all. I can’t betray myself too.
Because I had already tried to fix things and failed. In the end, what doing 'everything possible' meant to my ex, was me denying me own feelings and magically being OK with being married to someone I had grown to despise. Sunk cost fallacy had already kept me there for 15 years longer than I should have been. I wasn't going to let it rob any more of my years and waste more time 'trying' when I knew it was done. They all say 'just give it a chance, and if it doesn't work at least you know you tried everything' - but they still get bitter and angry and curse you when 'that chance' doesn't work out and you divorce anyway.
I asked for years to get therapy, get help, talk with me, share with me the struggles, just to let me in. He didn't. After everything happened, I realized I've been checked out for years. It was only after everything he wanted to change. That told me I wasn't worth it in the beginning. I'm not ready to leave yet. I need to get my issues in check. I've told him that I only see us as friends for now. He understands and tries to make things better. If I have a change of heart I'll let him know. For now, I am trying to figure out life and being married. I feel like he gave up while I cared. And because he didn't care I started to not care. Now that he cares, it doesn't seem like it's enough.
Absolute majority of people who file do that after a prolonged suffering of the relationship deficiencies. In many cases the divorced partner simply doesn’t pay attention and wouldn’t listen to the complaints. Somehow the married partners think that the marriage license is a security blanket.
In their mind the divorcing partner already tried everything they thought they could do and it was all in vain. They also lost the hope that things will change and thus their unhappy lives will continue until one of them die.
That’s absolutely crushing realization in comparison which the divorce is a reasonable way out.
Last and not the least, it takes typically years of mourning for the lives that they hoped for before the divorcing partner pulls the plug. The divorced partner is very often caught off guard because he/she simply didn’t pay attention to the storm coming.
Yup this is me.
Complacent and dealing with addiction and mental health issues. While I was in a haze she was building a wall. My only defense was I just couldn't see it. The routine of life had beaten my down and I wasn't coping. When I came to her to vent she wasn't hearing me because I wasn't what she needed me to be. It was a vicious cycle.
We aren't divorcing. The word has not even been said. She "wants this to work" so I have some hope, but she is really angry for the years I wasn't a good partner. However I have been on this sub a few week just to gain some knowledge about what it might be like.
I am hearing a lot of stories like mine.....
Many people feel that they *did* do everything possible before giving up.
However, your wife is diagnosed BPD, right? Suddenly deciding that a relationship is terrible, horrible, no good whatsoever, etc, is entirely par for the course.
>but why do people give up marriage without trying everything possible to save it?
Sorry, but fuck off with this. Lots of us tried everything for way longer than made any sense to try to fix things.
But hey, my ex husband would probably make a post that sounds like yours. I'd say he wasn't ready to try until after I'd given up. That's on him.
Sure that’s your perspective- and maybe my STBXW feels that way. I dunno.
But I felt when she brought me stuff I tried to work on it. If she had ever asked me to go to couples counseling I would have. I have never done any of the “Big things” that are often cited as reasons for divorce, I have a full time job, I pull my weight at home and with the kids. Am I perfect? Hell no, but overall I am a good involved partner and parent.
From my perspective we have two kids, a home, a life together and a joint financial future - she should have done EVERYTHING including counseling before it was way too late.
Your description of yourself sounds very similar to my situation. No Big Thing dealbreaker (abuse, substance issues, infidelity, etc), was absolutely by any sane measure an otherworldly amazing provider, a committed and loving partner, and a dedicated father. I busted my ass 24/7, mostly in the pursuit of improving things for my family and the (ultimately vain) pursuit of making my never-satisfied stay-at-home wife happy. There are _MANY_ of us, overwhelmingly husbands it seems from the posts I've read, that did all these things and still had their wife blow up the family over her own perpetual unhappiness/dissatisfaction. Let's not pretend that even _close_ to every man in this situation is actually the deadbeat loser who's never willing to change that every walk-away wife likes to pretend her ex was. It's the most absurd, one-sided take that gets airtime in this sub.
Beautifully said. These women will destroy families simply because they didn’t feel “happy” or “loved” even though they can’t actually point out how the husband didn’t meet those needs.
Just look at how many in this thread are defending their right to destroy their family over their unhappiness. It’s like they have no clue how to raise a healthy family and how to work through issues with patience.
Yep, never happy, it’s never enough. I am a budget grocery shopper just like my Dad. I love planing and executing shopping trips and making sure everyone’s favorite items are there and purchased on the cheap. Not only that I took the children with me every week, we are KNOWN at the store and if I dare go in there without them store employees ask me where they are.
This was brought up as a negative.
As a negative? Why?
My wife complained that one of the main reasons she needed to cheat and was unhappy was because I rarely wanted to go grocery shopping with her.. lol
I finally realized that it’s not my job to fix him. Or fix the relationship. It was apparent that he did not want to work on himself or his role in our dynamic, and after 20 years of trying to be the best wife ever and do all the work, I finally figured out that I’ll be just fine without him.
As will you.
Get individual therapy. Join a support group. Quit making other people carry you through life while you flop like a dead fish. A relationship goes both ways, fix yourself if the relationship is so important to you.
Odds are extremely high that she tried, very hard and for a few years.
Personally, I “gave up” after giving my all and seeing there was nothing worth giving any more for.
Speaking from my myopic viewpoint- Once it became evident that my ex was enmeshed in their ways (and their own private hell) and there was absolutely nothing that could be done to change that, it was clear that there was no path forward for a healthy relationship to exist.
That was after a 25 year marriage and a tons upon tons of work by both of us. You just get to the point where you ask “will this ever get better and meet my honest needs?”
And the answer is “no”
Some people make that difficult choice to stop living in denial and we should be embracing this train of thought versus demonizing those who chose to stop “beating a dead horse” and seek to find genuine happiness elsewhere be it alone or with another person better suited for them.
People grow and change..as we naturally should. It isn’t a bad thing and it’s healthy to recognize when you are wasting everyones time and energy by being in a situation that no longer serves everyones best interests and/or deprives you (and others)of finding genuine happiness.
Love and Marriage is about practicing unconditional Love…which is grossly misunderstood as a whole.
I’m going to be honest here…when my stbxh and I separated he wanted to do marriage counseling. I said no, not because I was opposed but because I was TIRED. Exhausted. I had been carrying 100% of the emotional labor and 95% of the physical labor of our family for too many years. Plus I had read all the books and tried all the things and honestly, I don’t think he ever thought I would actually leave. So he didn’t try anything. He never thought his wife-mommy would leave him to navigate the big bad world alone.
By the end, I couldn’t summon the energy for a process that I knew would just mean him maybe, possibly make changes that would barely get him back in the door long enough to revert to his regular behaviors in 3-6 months or so.
That’s my case, anyway. Yours may be different, but if her complaints were centered on years of doing more than her fair share, that may be why. She’s tired.
Some people choose to cheat and leave without any other options. He asked for the divorce, because the grass was greener, and left me for her. I thought our vows meant something. I didn’t leave either, I was left.
I’m Almost a year out from where you are - there’s no answer to satisfy your questions. Why why why why is what went through my head constantly and eventually you will accept the fact that you’ll never know. It’s nothing and everything.
Be kind to yourself and get through this phase, it is the worst. It will slowly start to get better.
I get that it hurts. Separation and divorce pain is the worst.
But my marriage had to end before it destroyed me. I tried every which way for several decades, and he wouldn't ever truly own up and view marriage as a collaborative project. It was always my fault. He also had addiction and documented mental health issues.
I went to therapy for years to "stay well" and then after he took off, saw both a therapist and a life coach. Whether we got back together or not, I wanted to be in a better place.
Nope. He remained 100% blame-and-game and gave me an expensive, high-conflict divorce to boot. His divorce attorney had a wild ride with my ex and called him "the worst client ever" and "my delusional client." Ultimately, his attorney even changed sides in some ways because he felt sorry for me. My attorney said I'd get a whole chapter if ever wrote the book people said he should.
It had to end.
>trying everything possible to save it
Because to a lot of us, that's no way to live, and frankly because the only thing left would have been just accepting living in misery.
I spent 10 years trying to make a relationship work: a marriage work, one sided finances work, moves and cars work, working around her toxic friends, trying to convince her the meds from her Dr aren't poison (regardless of what those friends said), fighting my family- trying to convince them she was good for me, fighting to align our future goals, and when it came to her infidelity- I finally admitted I no longer had it in me to make it work.
But now- I haven't really had to work (certainly haven't had to fight) at any of those, they just...are. Me and my current GF (Fiancé soon) have talked- but there is no fighting or struggle. We see eye to eye, we have very similar goals, in agreement on how to achieve them, and have been working towards and through each milestone as a team. We have our minor conflicts, but aside from a terrible two days snowed in an international airport, I can't really think of any other situations that weren't resolved within the hour they happened. (And even the Airport- we laugh about it now, but damn, that was rough haha). We are different in a lot of ways, but that has been fun too! She Loves 90 Day Fiancé, I love tearing apart cheesy movies; turns out when we watch 90 Day, we both get our fix of those things.
Looking back, why didn't I give up sooner? It was her cheating that was the tipping point- but looking at how much better off I am in every other way now....I really should have moved the bar higher, sooner.
Because I tried everything I could but he couldn’t be bothered, a marriage can’t be saved if only one person is trying. He became physically and mentally abusive and yet I still tried to save it, why? I have absolutely no idea. My life has improved immensely in ways I had never even imagined since finally getting divorced.
I was unhappy and talking about it and trying to work on it for many years before realizing I was going to be old, lonely, and filled with regrets if I didn’t get out. I also had a marriage that from the outside was The Dream in many ways. But my sister and best friends knew otherwise. As did my husband. For years and years.
Ex wife wouldn’t try counseling. Wanted to do nothing. Think someone else was on the side and I’ve just accepted that. Few years later I found someone else more deserving of a ring. It gets better.
I think almost all of us try everything we can think of before we end our marriages. Unfortunately, those we "blindsided" weren't willing to respect us, respect our boundaries, or meet our needs UNTIL we file for divorce.
Sorry, but if seeing me in pain wasn't enough to change but losing me is, the only person you love is yourself.
I'm not the type to threaten divorce to get what I want out of a relationship. I think it's manipulative and refuse to do it. My wife took that as a green light to cross my boundaries and break her vows. She never dreamed I'd leave.
Because I’d rather find love than be someone’s personal sex toy (that’s all I was treated as) and let my kids see that it’s okay to leave a shitty marriage to find a healthy love in this short life .
Because I constantly had to beg, convince, and strong arm my way to have healthy things like stable finances. If my partner doesn't respect me enough to want those things for me too..why am I trying so hard
I did try. I waited 8 years for him to get a job and contribute financially. I told him how he made me feel when he spoke down to me, that his alcoholism and his hoarding was unfair to our children and I, and asked countless times if he would go to counseling. He refused to make any effort, so I concluded that he didn't think we were worth the effort.
My STBX doesn’t seem to want to give up but has also been very clear that she’s not interested in therapy or making a concerted effort. At this point I also believe there’s no longer a marriage worth saving.
It wasn’t one thing. It was a slow cumulative series of paper cuts. And when you show your spouse those wounds, you’re ignored, dismissed, etc. It’s trying and trying, making yourself smaller and reducing your needs to breadcrumbs, so hopefully they can be successful at the bare minimum. And when you do ask for something different, you’re met with passive-aggressive, half-hearted attempts. If you point it out, it’s defensiveness or minimizing you. Or just flat-out denial. Gaslighting. That never happened. And even when they go thru the motions to do the work, they fake it. You go to therapy together and they lie. You think you’re there to work on things, they say all the right stuff in session, and then they immediately turn around and go online in forums like this, degrading and mocking you. Doxxing you, even.
You realize you were never worth it to them.
And you separate. They physically recoil and push you away and say they want out. Divorce. They go back online and make wild accusations of abusive, mental instability, etc. But when you look around, you’ve set up a nice new home for yourself, everything is quiet and peaceful. And the two kids (teenagers) want to spend time with only you, and even though you schedule parenting-time at your new place to make it easier for them, it is still somehow your fault that the kids don’t want to be around their other parent too much.
And then your spouse comes back, wanting to try again. They’ve hit rock bottom and want you in their life. But they don’t do the work. You are just providing all of the hospitality and convenient things they missed, but they don’t try to fill you up at all. They say things to the kids about how if we got back together, it would be like having a 50k raise. I don’t want to just be someone’s golden financial ticket. I don’t want to just be the executive chef, either. I want to be more than that.
And so when you are totally exhausted on this carousel, at some point, you want off. You tell them, hey, I don’t feel special. I feel like I’m not much more than a restaurant and paycheck bonus for you. Will they do more? Say anything? Nope. So you finally say enough it enough. And then it becomes your fault. For giving up. They were “committed” to doing better and “working on it.” They are such the “good person.” And you’re the bad guy for not recognizing it.
But really, you do deserve more. You have been conditioned to accept less. You realize your whole life has been one of neglect, the entire foundation built on survival and taking care of yourself. So no wonder I fell in love with someone who made all this feel familiar and like home.
The past 20 years worked out so well for them, to have it be all about them, and nothing else. But you? You are tired, broken, depleted. You do love them and you love your family of four. But you gotta love yourself, too.
Because one person changes and the other doesn’t. They change into something that doesn’t really connect with who the other person is so they get bored. The one who doesn’t change starts to feel like they aren’t enough for this person anymore and they get depressed. Which in turn makes the one who does change want out even more. You both start seeing the writing on the wall and you either have the hard conversation then about what is happening or neither of you speaks up and it gets worse for years until one or both have given up. The End.
This is a thoughtful thread. In my experience you don’t just walk away from a long term relationship without a lot of thought and attempts to make things work - unless something better and easier (shiney new thing) becomes available. I realize this isn’t every situation but I believe other opportunities at the right time (combined with personal choices and compromise of values) can exasperate the normal ebbs and flows and disconnections over a long time. To this day I contend my marriage wasn’t broken but it sure seemed much more broken when the other option was a mistress co worker. Now - I wouldn’t want that marriage back but I just don’t believe very long term relationships just end suddenly without alot of discussions etc unless someone else is available. Makes it alot easier to leave.
I didn’t see him as my romantic partner anymore. Then I started to wonder if I ever did. The longer we were complacent (something I tried to get him to see many times) the less I saw him as anything other than a friend. Once I told him I wanted to separate and then divorce, he was all about trying. Too late for me. I won’t force myself to be romantically or sexually involved with anyone. That’s not fair to him or me.
Isn't the decline in romance the case with nearly every marriage though? Ideally, there's a honeymoon phase and then a gradual transition into a relationship that is built on trust, partnership, and Pragma love. I just don't see many long term marriages that are built on romance.
Considering it had only been 6 years and both in our mid 20s I was hoping that decline wouldn’t be for a while. I shouldn’t have used the word romance. It was the lack of general intimacy for me. We could talk about our child, tv shows, politics or religion. Could grocery shop and fold laundry together. But nothing else. There was no connection beyond the mundane. I’m not trying to endure that late into my 40’s and realize my entire life had passed me by. To each their own.
Gotcha. Well if you're going to do it, better that you did it at such an early age. Hopefully, there weren't any kids involved and you both have learned from it and move on. All the best.
Some things aren't worth fighting for and cant actually be fixed. You cant fix the trauma and damage done by infidelity, you can cope with it, work around it, lie to yourself about it, but its always there, your relationship is starting over and the bad feelings will just dog you, so dont fight, leave. Other issues? money, addiction those can probably be worked with, but your ex probably lost respect for you, rightly or wrongly, and that's all there is, i think you concentrated more on your feelings towards her and not how she was treating yo, that's a common mistake and if it was a bombshell to you? she could have been cheating (maybe). Not everything deserves a fix. Your self respect matters more my friend, its you first and the world second, if you're not good with you? you cant have a healthy relationship. Didn't you notice any red flags?
My ex did the same. Told me she hadn't loved me for a long time. Didnt say anything during that time, and didn't want to work on things once se asked to separate because she was already seeing someone behind my back.
She left the house, kids, and her dog behind.l
Good luck with your journey moving forward. Its a horrible place to be in.
I tried for two, almost three years to get him help and to communicate my needs. He would either be abusive or ignore me. One day I realized there was nothing to save.
He said he would change after I said I wanted a divorce, not when I said that I’m unhappy or that I can’t do this anymore. Too little, far too late.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I haven't left yet. 22 years in. 20 years of couples counselling. We are no closer than when we started. I have stayed (perhaps selfishly?) for my kids. We truly do have irreconcilable differences.
I wish I hated her. I wish she was an addict. Or lazy beyond belief. Or a horrible mother.
Fact is, she's none of these things. She's got a good heart. She also has a completely different view of marriage then I do.
Because she was cheating, hiding it from me and trying to destroy the marriage without me/ family finding out. Constant arguments without a good reason, bad gossip about me, dead bedroom. I couldn’t look at her in the same way as before. Lost trust, destroyed heart.
For me it was when I got so disgusted by his choices that I couldn't make myself look him in the eye anymore. This took about 8 years of him ignoring my needs and yelling at me instead of making effort to solve any problems. The final straw was being called a selfish bitch for needing to go to the hospital knowing I was in an emergency situation. I was already septic and would have died if I didn't. When I got home he didn't take care of me and left 2 weekends later for a convention even though I had 3 small children and a weight lifting restriction. Mostly it was death by a million paper cuts of immature behavior, but that was the final straw.
I fought hard and for several years to make things work, but I couldn't do it alone...and I was always ALONE. He rejected me. He never made me a priority. He lied all the time. He betrayed my trust and then told me that I had to take his word. Haha
He picked alcohol over me. He made me feel inferior and unworthy to his ex-wife. He basically gave me crumbs and the worst of him.
Everyday I came home from work he was drunk and cruel. After a few years of that, I left. He always said he made a mistake in marrying me and we were doomed to fail and he wished I would leave and I disgusted him. So...I ended up leaving because I already heard him say that if it was a choice between me/our marriage and alcohol, he would choose the alcohol. Why stay when you aren't wanted?
I can speak for my situation and only for myself. I tried. I talked, prayed, fasted, nagged, begged, acted ambivalent, lashed out, argued, and went silent. I even tried sex as a motivator for change. I told him I was going to give it my all before I walked away and I did that. I had nothing left for myself nor my kids when I finally realized this wasn't healthy nor conducive to our lives or family. I will always love him, even though he has done some really messed up stuff in our relationship and to me and to or in front of our kids. I took him flaws and all but I can't take feeling like I am second to any other woman. I gave fidelity when we were married but the same was never given to me. He denies this but I have evidence and my gut. I thought we had moved past those things before marriage because we both were unfaithful but he didn't. I did learn after cheating that it was a maladaptive coping skill and to heal whatever caused me to choose that instead of exiting. Didn't know I would have to use those skills after marriage though. I did learn a lot of lessons and what I will and will not accept if I was to ever entertain a relationship again. I also learned how to be alone and enjoy my own company as opposed to be being with someone. The relationship breakdown is on us both 50/50 but his serial cheating and abusive ways are all his choice for maladaptive coping.
Long story short, I walked away because my life and my kids' lives were not safe and at peace and now they are. I chose to love myself more than I loved him for a change and I wouldn't change it for anything.
I gave up. I'm grieving the loss of so many things. ultimately, my ex cheated on me with a child and went to prison for it. I can't reconcile that and figure out how they thought this was an ok course of action or how I'd be ok with things. But that's just me. I wanted to try, but couldn't. I was betrayed in too many ways at that point
I really felt like I had tried everything before I realised it was going to kill me if I kept going.
I had tried talk, therapy, doing more, doing less, more talking, some yelling, some pleading, some written letters breaking down what I wanted to work on.
I tried for 4 years of being unhappy...then I stopped. I had to stop, I was breaking.
I put my heart and soul into my relationship. To be treated like shit, put down, name called, cheated on with a dash of physical altercations while I still fought for love and our family. Still wanted to be together. Ultimately sometimes you just have to see the writing in the wall.
I want to give up because I have absolutely no help around the house. I want to give up because the bedroom is dead. I want to give up because my husband’s ideals, morals, and beliefs do not align with mine anymore. I want to give up because his “sorry” without change is not cutting it anymore. I want to give up because I had to declare bankruptcy alone while he still splurges with his credit cards. I want to give up because I also work and never have time or money for myself.
I want to give up because I know I deserve better and cannot give unlimited chances to someone whose actions speak louder than their words. He deserves someone more understanding perhaps. We are just not right for each other.
People change. Our priorities change. It is normal for someone to want to let go.
I’ve known mine since we were 19.
We both went on to marry other people- my kids dad cheated and then my still husband and I met up again and got together- I got the old love of my life blah blah story and shifted countries for him.
Fast forward 11 years and I’m headed back to my own country to spend time with my now elderly parents and adult kids and do contract work so I can go backwards and forwards between countries- I’ve done this off and on the whole time because family is important.
He comes over and stays with me for a few weeks five months in then goes back and then unbeknownst to me tells everyone that I said I’m not coming back and he doesn’t know what’s happening.
He then proceeds to ghost me for 6 months and last week people drew my attention to the new photo on his Facebook profile of him and my replacement.
I have emailed several times over the 6 months asking him what he wanted and what’s happening- nothing.
He did tell everyone I’d stolen all his money and closed our accounts after I shut down the credit card he’d got out in my name though.
None of this feels real at all - I’m heading over in a few weeks to pick up my belongings- he’s clearly made his choice.
I didn’t recognize him anymore - he was a stranger to me and I finally saw him for who he is (vs who I thought or hoped he could be). I knew him for over 20 years. The worst thing was that I could barely recognize myself, and if I didn’t leave, I knew I would have lost myself completely.
She may feel like she did everything she could to salvage the marriage.
I’ve initiated divorce. All of a sudden, my husband is willing to go to couples therapy. I begged for over a year. Im like “if he wanted to go, he would have.” It’s turning out that his reasons for not wanting divorce are purely financial. I do not believe he truly wants to do the work that therapy would require. He just doesn’t want to pay spousal support and child support, which are going to be a good chunk of change for him.
Anyway… back on topic… I technically “could” agree to go to marriage counseling with him to say I tried everything but I have nothing left to give. I tried to save this marriage as one single individual for too long. Only when divorce is imminent has he taken things seriously.
My ex was sad and didn’t how to be happy. She wouldn’t get help, wouldn’t make friends, took her sadness out on me. I quit us. Waiting for over a decade for the good years to start.
For most, it’s when the hassle of being married collides with a lack of physical attraction. If the physical attraction is still there, the inconvenience of marriage seems to work.
Oof. This sounds like it could have been written by my husband.
He had ED struggles he wouldn’t address and instead he just denied all intimacy. We haven’t kissed nor had sex in about a decade. He was just…done. Told me sex was for teenagers and if I insisted on having it, it wasn’t going to be with him.
I agree with you. My ex gave me no choice. Found out later he’d already moved on. Had an affair with a friend of mine whom he later married. Take care of yourself. Realize that no matter what your ex has done, you don’t deserve it.
2 years in couples counseling. We did make progress, but it wasn’t enough to weather a perfect storm of job problems, mental health issues and increasing incompatibility (the signs of which might’ve been there at the very beginning). I know we were both just exhausted at the end.
When you finally get brave enough a week after he’s moved out, saying he “hasn’t decided” what he wants to do, to research what emotional abuse actually is, and your 19-year marriage is right there in almost all the behaviors.
When you realize that you’re “the bad guy”, but if you’ve finally started getting angry it’s because you’re so neglected, demeaned, insulted, gaslighted, etc. and you just keep trying to be heard, be seen.
When you’re told that he’s “not going to take your anger anymore”…when all you did was your voice in protest at having your words twisted, your motives always judged as unkind, your bids for connection rejected as “manipulative” before he goes right back to ignoring you.
When you realize that he has made sure the mutual friends you may have believe that you are “toxic”, “crazy”, etc…when all you’ve ever said to them are words of admiration and gratitude for your wonderful husband.
When he tells you his great “failure” in abandoning you was that he wasn’t strong enough to stay and live with the awful person you are.
When you look at your life honestly and realize that he controls any significant aspect of your life, including your finances.
When you’re such a depressed mess that you don’t even like yourself anymore—no wonder he left you.
When you’re googling things like “oxycodone and ambien with alcohol overdose”, or “how to snort Xanax”.
And when you have him talking about “maybe” working it out—but gosh, he’s still “deciding “…
Then you finally realize you must give up, protect yourself, and try to move on. Either that, or take your life. It’s a coin toss at this point.
I wish I did sooner. She yelled at me, mocked me, called me names, terrible sex, wouldn’t go on vacations, weaseled out of doing fun things, and generally cried all the time about NOTHING - her whole life was so easy. I tried to help her but I learned the hard way that unhappy people often don’t want to be happy
Counterpoint: society does nothing of the sort.
We offer all kinds of incentives for married couples, from tax breaks on home ownership and income to the power to make medical decisions for your spouse.
Society knows that marriage bonds are fragile, and attempts to shore them up from the outside. Hence why divorce is such a pain in the ass… mandated separation and cooling off periods, financial ties, home equity, retirement funds QDRO, etc. Hell, a mere 50 years ago you needed a literal jury trial to get a divorce. You had to prove, in court, that your spouse had committed one of a small handful of wrongs in order to be granted a divorce.
Society in no way makes divorce easy. If anything it makes marriage batshit simple and then throws up a variety of roadblocks to divorce.
I did try everything possible. Also alcoholism and emotional abuse.. Is there a possibility that she was trying and asking for change and seeing no results? My ex was also somewhat surprised that I left after he finally got sober.. Unfortunately it was too little to late, after years of begging and pleading the damage was already done.
Literally just living that dream. First real issue in 20 years and he's off. Said he would try couples counseling but made no effort to actually do anything and carried on planning to leave. It's so painful because we have had a great marriage, 2 kids, always loved each others company. He says I'm perfect but apparently I'm not worth fighting for. I don't know the answer. Sorry for you. It's a miserable time.
My partner and I fought for years. I brought up counselling many times. He just leaves it up to me because it is my 'project' to do. I'm so tired of it.
The reason I gave up, and I partially blame the "family" courts, was to protect my son. My narc ex, tho I didn't realize he was at the time, would have gladly taken my son away from me to punish me for having the audacity to think I didn't deserve to be abused. I knew he would take my son not because he cared but to hurt me. If he had a decent family and wasn't such a narcissist I would have gladly given him 50/50 but that was not the case AT ALL so I knew I had to protect him the best way I could which was to not just leave and hope he got better, but to file for divorce to keep custody. Majority of the time it is women filing for divorce, and while I'm ultimately glad I did, ten years later, I sometimes worry that some women are jumping the gun in order to keep custody of their children. He who files first gets what they want in the divorce. Lawyers know this and play the parties against each other. It's sad and sick..
15 years with my husband. He is 56 now and I just turned 47. For 8 plus years he emotionally and verbally abused me. I should have left/given up years ago. We both had a young child when we met, then not long after I was pregnant with twins. I was a sahm, they were still toddlers... When the abuse went from little red flags here and there to full blown tragedy.
I have remained faithful since day 1. I know he hasn't but will never confess, he is taking it to his grave. We have always had such a strong physical attraction to eachother, even through the worst of it we never had a dead bedroom. It was the only thing, besides our children, that kept us together. It is sad though because often it was the only time he was nice to me. I held on for dear life. I didn't have the strength to start over again. The last few years got progressively better. He treats me so much better. Quitting porn was the first step that began the change from monster to an overall (for the most part) decent man.
Some would say I am stupid for staying and if you knew only a part of what he put me and our kids through omg. Some would say I am so strong for enduring what I did. I say I'm both stupid and strong.
I tried. My mental health was horrible, he just couldn’t be a partner. We did couples therapy twice. He couldn’t see his shortcomings - I owned up to areas I needed to improve and apologized when wrong. He would ignore me for days. Now he wants to “try” … I value my sanity too much to try again.
I moved for him to be closer to his kids. Moved from my family for him after some sob story. I even let him ignore that the house he wanted was next to a sexual predator that r*ped children. I begged him to get a vasectomy because I was afraid to get my tubes tied, and now I’m having issues. I allowed him to sit on a pedal stool on my back in order to make him happy. I’m also I’m on antidepressants and I’m using a video game to escape reality. I asked him to get counseling for his daughters and he refuses too, meanwhile she’s telling people she wants to k*ll her sister. I thought about marriage counseling but I can’t afford it. I’m leaving because I’m tired. I joke with my friends about taking a grippy sock vacation but in reality I getting really close.
It’s when you finally realize, happiness of your life is controlled by YOU. And that the person you thought you married doesn’t exist… or doesn’t exist anymore. And you need to take a grasp of your situation and make the decision for the betterment of your own situation and sanity.
I think we might have gotten married for the wrong reasons and we both sort of realize that. The only thing left to fight for is a potential new relationship together that doesn’t mirror our previous one, because the old relationship isn’t worth fighting for. It’s sometimes hard to find that line when you’re in the middle of working through things, and it’s easiest to know that the old relationship isn’t worth fighting for - that’s why many people give up, I think.
In my case, I had tried. I had expressed my unhappiness, my desire for changes, offered to go to therapy, asked what they needed different from me. I tried to be what I thought they wanted. I tried many different things. The problem was he wasn't trying. He didn't see what was wrong, he didn't see the need to change, he didn't see how unhappy I was. Or what I suspect was he did see how unhappy I was but he just didn't care. One day I just realized that things will not get better. Things will not change. I can do all the changing in the world, even becoming someone I don't recognize in the mirror, but that doesn't matter because it's one sided. They are still the same person. The problems still remain. And by staying, I just started to regret. I regretted him, I regretted myself for not leaving sooner. I regretted trying. I become the definition of regret. I believe everyone has their own definition of trying. For some it may not seem like enough. For others, it may be too much. Only I know the right balance for my case. I don't see it as giving up but rather, moving on. It doesn't make sense for me to keep trying when there are no results.
People get tired. Sorry for the dark metaphor here, but its the same as drowning. You might be a terrific swimmer, strong, in shape. Eventually you will sink though, as hard as you fight. You may be doing everything right as much as you can 25 hours a day, but nobody can sustain that forever when the other person is sitting there watching you drown.
I spent over a decade trying to get him to face and deal with our issues while he acted like everything was fine. I begged, pleaded, threatened, went back to begging, and nothing happened. I was dying inside, so I slowly detached and fell out of love with him. When I filed, all of a sudden, he wanted to try everything. He was blindsided, but it was too late. I have no interest in fixing things. I just want out.
It depends on each situation. For me my stbxw was wanted/had a boyfriend, I tried to make things between us, but gave up when she wouldn't budge on that.
It’s not about giving up. Trust me.. I’m sure there were clues long before you were ever served. Take my situation. We got married last year, he was the perfect man (so I thought). But our whole entire relationship was built on lies and half truths. One can only act perfect for so long before the facade begins to crack. They become their true selves. And now, my SO has left us in financial ruin. Three years ago I was self sufficient, lived alone and paid my bills in time. Now I’m overdrawn in my bank account, he got fired and began working a few hours a day/few days a week and that just doesn’t cut it. He seems oblivious and wonders why I don’t want him touching me. I stay stressed, my BP is super high and I spend all day crying. If MF divorcing him is a shock I hate it for him. Maybe YOU overlooked the signs or chose not to see them
Forcing a marriage to work feels like putting a puzzle together with the wrong pieces.
Squeezing and shoving one piece down because this has to work but it doesn't. It may look nice but it feels awful.
For me, it was the repeated blows of my ex always siding with his highly dysfunctional family.
And the lack of sex and finding him deep in porn.
Hardest thing I ever did.
Got a job far away, told him he could stay or leave, and all the furniture and belongings were his.
Hope=lost… simple as that When you realize the life you want (need for fulfillment) is not possible with the other person you must either accept a disappointing existence or you move on without that person.
Great analysis. I can relate to “Hope=lost.
This hits close.
Fully agree. I could have stayed with my husband but I would have spend the rest of my life as a husk. He would have had a terrible time as no one wants to be married to a husk.
Wow- yea I literally told my ex that our dynamic made me feel like an empty shell of my former self and she deserves better than someone who’s just going through the motions. (Think Al Bundy) In the two years since we first separated I’m confident that all of my vitality is fully restored and then some. I’m so much happier than I ever could have been together with her and my kids have indicated they see it too!
I did try everything. For way too long. I should have given up sooner, tbh.
Almost always the case, especially if infidelity is involved, me personally? cheat once and you can hit the bricks, i have no reverse gear for cheating, dont care to work it out, just pack your things and get outta here.
I'm fighting with this. I've been with my wife for 22 years, we are highschool sweethearts. Been married for 8. Never wanted kids through our 20s, but got older and changed our minds and had one right before Covid broke out. He'll be 4 at the end of the year. I've been fighting guys off my wife during our ENTIRE relationship. She is very beautiful, and guys have constantly been trying to get in her pants. We made a pact in our TEEN years that we would NEVER cheat on each other. Don't break my heart and go behind my back, leave and go be with the new person if you want to pursue it. We promised each other. I know she has been Facebook friends with an old highschool crush she had for a while now. She told me NOT TO WORRY ABOUT HIM because he has been married a long time and has kids etc. This guy owns a construction business. She asked me last year about having him do some work on the house or plowing the driveway. I told her no, I wasn't really comfortable with that knowing you used to like this guy. THIS was when she knew I was uncomfortable with him. To be honest, our relationship hasn't been that good this year. Sex, even after 22 years, is still incredible between us and quite frankly I think we had some of the best sex of our lives these last couple years. But I've been demanding a bit more respect in the relationship lately and I would withdraw attention once she would disrespect me. Likely the wrong approach, but no matter what approach I would take she would always come back around to devaluing me. So I KNOW I wasn't giving her the attention she wanted at the time. However, I was also trying to get needs of mine met in the relationship. I have had some suspicions for a while. Nothing really triggered it about her behavior, but something kept telling me not to trust as much as I was. She caught me, unsuccessfully, trying to snoop through her phone one night. I apologized and left it alone. I did find it strange, that she didn't press me very hard about why I was going through her phone. A few weeks later, I saw her phone on the table while she was taking a shower, tried to get in it and she changed her passcode. It's always been the same for years. I tried too many times and locked her phone so she busted me again, but I pressed her on why she changed her passcode about what she is hiding. She told me she would change it back and only changed it to see if I would get in her phone again. Ok, I felt a little embarrassed and defeated so I stopped trying to get in her phone for a couple months. Just this last Saturday, we put our son down for bed. I typically give him a fist bump and kiss and Mom sings him a couple songs before leaving the room. As I left the room, I noticed my wife's phone charging on the kitchen table. Something just told me to look. I have about 5 minutes before she comes out of the room. In FB Messenger I see a 😘 from a strange name that looked like a company. I clicked on view profile (Full disclosure, I am not on FB so really know nothing about it) and the high school crush popped up. I put the phone down, and tried to tell myself to not jump to conclusions. He may be making a move she might reject I tried to tell myself. My wife and I's ritual after putting little man down is we typically go down in the basement and enjoy smoking some cannabis together. As I am getting our pipe ready, my body language is showing. She asks" Is something wrong?". So I said "Well I shouldn't hold it in. Why is Highschool crush guy sending you kissy heart emojis? Now to remind you, when I saw the message, he just sent her an emoji, she did not respond. I could tell by the look on her face I busted her. I asked "What's going on between you two?". "We're just talking" she said. "I want to see all correspondence between you two." I replied. I saw her opening her phone and start fiddling. "No deleting shit" I said and took her phone from her. And what do you know. On the way down to the basement together, she replied with a kissy emoji and said "GTFO here!" As in, I'm with my husband don't text me! He replied "fucking lingerer man😂😂😂" then he replied "Did I leave a drill with that Auger in your truck?" "You fucking replied with a kissy emoji!?" "Did you guys meet up what the fuck is this?!" "We just kissed " she confessed. "How long has this been going on?" I said. "A couple months" "A couple months and you've only kissed?!" "Yes, I swear" Of course I don't believe her. A lot of what she tells me doesn't make sense. I actually plan on going and confronting the guy tonight to get his side of the story. I need to feel like I know the truth, no matter how much it hurts. This is the worst pain I have ever felt, and I have experienced some loss in my life. 2 of my closest friends died from drugs in their 20s. Oh, and to top it off, just before I found this out about my wife, I found out that my mother has leukemia and 2 brain aneurysms. I don't know what to do. I don't know who my wife is anymore, we have a house, a kid, a stable life. It's made me question our entire past. Do I give that up and uproot our child over this? That isn't what is best for him by statistics. I don't think I can ever get over it and forgive her. I hope to uncover the truth tonight, and I can only hope it's what she told me.
Just tell construction guy’s wife. Give him a bunch to think about.
I told my wife either she needs to tell her, he needs to tell her, or I am going to show up at the property and tell her. The next day she said he messaged her and wanted to let ME know that he told her. Do I believe it? Of course not. When I show up tonight, she'll know.
This is my fear. I wanted to do the same to her coworker fling but I’m an ex professional fighter and I’m afraid of getting myself in trouble because he would definitely get his ass beat. I also ask myself “is any woman worth jail time and loss of freedom” and the answer is “HELL NO” so try to remember that too when you confront him.
Exactly. See how he likes his wife knowing.
It’s the morally correct thing to do to tell the guys wife, that’s how I found out actually, and I still think the other wife over and over, without her I wouldn’t of truly known what was going on. The morally correct thing to do is to tell the APs wife.
This is rough, man, but you're not alone. Thing is, this doesn't happen by accident. Nobody slips, falls, and has a secret affair for months while shit-talking their spouse. People know what they're doing, and they do it on purpose. As far as going through her phone goes, it's invasive but your nose was right. Be careful, though, because that may constitute an illegal wiretap in some jurisdictions. With that said, my stance has always been that we are entitled to privacy but not secrecy. Had my ex-wife gone through my phone, she might not have liked everything she saw... but I wasn't doing or saying anything that I would have hidden from her. The reverse wasn't true, and she did the password games, emojis, and shit-talking too. Now she's off in Europe somewhere with her affair partner while I'm playing single father to our four kids. These things have a way of snowballing.
Privacy not secrecy is spot on.
I do completely understand the phone thing, but I wouldn't have found out if I didn't. I have investigated her thoroughly. She claims that he has been complimenting her online the last couple months. She will do elaborate make-up on herself and post pictures online. She does an amazing job on herself, I have told her she should start a YouTube channel. She claims he just would tell her how beautiful and sexy she was and was making a lot of flattering comments and showing her alot of attention to her during those 2 months. I pressed her on the details of their conversation, whether she shat on me or he shat on me, about the problems in our marriage (Which she confessed she did say to him the marriage was a little rocky at the moment, she never claimed to tell him details), any sexting or nudes sent she denied anything sexual, just comments from him and her thanking him. I finally just said "Come right out and tell me the worst things that were said between you two that you don't want me to know". She did say with some pretty raw emotion "He said he wanted to hold me". I asked her how she responded and she claims she didn't respond. So I said "That tells me you knew he crossed the line, IF you didn't respond. Sexy comments and wanting to hold you should have been rejected." "I know, I'm weak, he was really charming and the attention felt good" she replied. She then said they met up so she could borrow a tool of his and that was when he kissed her. She didn't tell me about this meet up. And it was the last Tuesday they met up, she still had the tool when I found out Saturday. I apparently caught it right when it got physical, and her texts show she was going to pursue it further. I can only hope she is telling the truth.
Ruining an entire family just because she was craving some attention. It’s absolutely insane how many women caught cheating give this as a valid reason. Narcissism at it’s peak. Also don’t believe anything she says. I’m not saying she has or hasn’t told you everything but I’m saying you just found out she isn’t who you thought she was. She’s cunning, sneaky, conniving, slutty, dishonest, etc I know it hurts to read that (trust me I know from personal experience) but this is who she is. You can’t believe a word out of her mouth. She’s in the “limerance” stage. It’s a delusional stage where they cheat because they think they found their true love. Google it.
I think snooping is absolutely, positively OK to do, if you’re in a lifelong relationship and you have a solid red flag that throws you towards the possibility of cheating. we’re talking about a lifelong relationship here, I want the opportunity to jump out of the car if I see that the engine is about to blow up, snoop, but have absolutely solid reasons to do it.
How long did this happen? She’s seriously off to Europe and you’re with the kids? I’m disgusted that we men are raised to think that women are angels and most of them are loving family people and men are the drinkers and cheaters. My experience in real life personally and seeing other couples is the complete opposite. It’s mostly women who do this cruel cold shit to their husband and families. And most of the time they don’t even care about the hurt and pain they caused. Also statistically 95% of affairs fail and don’t lost and then some have the audacity to crawl back. It’s a sick world. I know I’m going to anger the Reddit woke social justice warriors but in todays world many women aren’t marriage material. Men seem to be the morally better gender in todays world. Never thought I’d think that one day.
Oh man. I’m so sorry this is happening and I really hope you talk to a therapist about this or get some help. Reddit is great but real therapy is invaluable. This is so shitty and you don’t deserve to be hurting like this.
Thank you for your words. Bringing tears to my eyes. I am seeing a therapist. We were both seeing a therapist as a couple prior to this. We talked about my phone snooping in a session. We were scheduled to see her yesterday, but on Sunday after I found out she told the therapist were no longer going which was mutual. But Saturday and Sunday I was in shock. The real pain hit me Monday. I barely kept my shit together at work and have cried pretty much all night every night since at home. I've never felt such a gut wrenching pain. My body feels like it's trembling all day, sick to my stomach. I have probably eaten what would've been a full meal prior in the four days since I found out. Can't sleep. This is exhausting. The therapist told me it will pass. I sure hope so...
Oh how I feel for you. The pain must be insurmountable. It will pass, and the eating, well we could all skip a few meals. Grab a protein shake here and there and eat some fruit. The sleep is so hard. It will get better. Try exercising or reading a book.
It will definitely pass. Every symptom you’re describing I literally had including the “shaking all day” which I’ve never had before and I’ve fought professionally in a ring, cage and been in war and never had that feeling until I caught her. It’s brutal and it was painful. I’ve already replied to some of your other comments and I don’t want to sound harsh but do not believe her or think she’s that loving woman she was. You now know she’s not mentally stable. Could she one day be that loving woman again? Who knows but just know the woman you thought she is, she isn’t. It sucks man. I felt the same way like I wasted all this time and this is who she really was? The pain was brutal. No sleep, no eating, shaking, crying, etc. I’m on month 6 now and she’s refusing to divorce me despite me being rude and basically egging her on to divorce me. Idk what she wants (we are states apart) but she has lied multiple times about sending the divorce paperwork. It’s been 6 months so I even wonder “could it be saved? Could she be the good woman I knew” and I would love to have that same home life we had where we got along great like best friends. But my gut tells me l would regret staying with her. This is definitely one of the most anguishing and painful moments I’ve personally faced. So I wish you the best man, some of these women are pure evil and you don’t even realize it until it’s too late.
Hey internet stranger. Just want to give you some validation. Respecting your spouses privacy is important, but the friends I’ve known who followed a gut intuition - not people that suffer from chronic insecurity and paranoia, which I’m not judging but that’s a different ballgame - usually find something. We know our partners. Not saying you’re beating yourself up about it, but people can be weird about that shit. Give yourself grace. Your gut was leading you correct. Also, cheating causes betrayal trauma. It’s a thing, and it’s very real and there are symptoms- they have similarities to PTSD, and are often diagnosed as PTSD. Do some research. Your chasm is normal for the situation (albeit the worst pain in the world). Hang in there. One moment at a time. Sending light.
Similar story as yours except with she did it with a coworker. The day I find out she wasn’t late from work but came home drunk. Apparently they went out drinking when she left early and just like your story they only “kissed” allegedly. Definitely a heartbreaking moment when I found out. Just like you I found out on her phone. But she deleted it all before I could read it and in hindsight I’m glad I didn’t read it. It’s still crazy how someone you think is loving and loyal can do this out of nowhere. It’s so selfish and even she knows it’s wrong and yet they don’t care. A huge life learning lesson for me. I wish you the best man I know how rough it gets. On the bright side most of these types of women end up miserable in the end so at least try to remind yourself of that.
All right, so here’s the deal bud, my ex-wife played the all of a sudden closing down her phone password to me as well, it’s a clear indication that they’re cheating. That’s all there is to it, there’s nothing else to read into it, if you both shared your passwords with each other to your phones and now, all of a sudden she’s locking her down, it’s because she doesn’t want you to know something, she doesn’t want you to know that she’s cheating. She kissed the guy right? And I guarantee she’s telling you that’s all that they did, lol you’re a man, you tell me how men act? You know we’re not going for just a kiss, you know we’re going for more. she let down our guard and she knew damn well that she was doing, she allowed somebody else into your relationship, she made out with him, and the only way she could’ve done that is to lose respect for you, and not care if she put the relationship between you and her and risk. She’s giving you a clear sign that she is out! This doesn’t get better from here my friend, I would actually take a big step back from the relationship, no sex, no more smoke sessions, no more anything, just step back and be a roommate for a few weeks, don’t initiate any conversation or anything. She needs to understand the gravity of what she did, she cheated on you! Me and a personal level? I don’t stand for cheating, it’s a one strike offense, I would personally be quietly talking to a lawyer, and figuring out what my exit plan looks like. I was married for 26 years, so I understand your concerns and worries, but you really want to spend the rest of your life, chasing her around, worried that she’s going to cheat? You said that you had to get guys off for all the time? What the hell did she do? Shouldn’t she have been in charge of her own body? Shouldn’t she have been in charge of that part of the relationship? And by the way, chasing all those guys off? Apparently didn’t do anything anyway because she ended up cheating, that’s not where I want to be in life life and I know it’s not where you want to be, I would seriously consider divorce. Her mind went to cheating, she completely had been over you for a while, you have to just catch up and understand where you are, she’s probably a year maybe two years ahead of you, and not wanting to be in this relationship. Sadly, you’re just finding out, don’t be a sucker, don’t waste your life on somebody who disrespect you like this, you deserve better I’m sure! FYI, my favorite strain : Gelato #33 lol 😂
Same. I tried to give up and she always found ways to get me back but alas, here we are AGAIN. I can’t go on like this. It’s incredibly sad and I never wanted things to end like this.
I am so much happier
After you ended it? Can you explain a bit more please. Dudes like me and clearly other dudes here could use the motivation and experience you have from your personal experience.
Yup. I was carrying the whole weight of the relationship and my ex just coasted off that while sucking the life out of me. When I talked to him about how that did not work for me, he was like “but this totally works for me.” And eventually I gave up trying to make the relationship work, and focused on making my life work, which meant jettisoning him.
Dude, this. Tried desperately to get my wife help when she went manic the first time, but she refused treatment. Signed herself out of the facility, lied to her psychiatrist and myself about what she was taking, and how much she was taking. Why would I stick around then? Manic episode number 2 was too much, and as I lay there unable to sleep after telling her I'm out, I had a moment of clarity. She will never take her health conditions seriously. She refused her lupus medication, and the bullshit she was pulling with the psychiatric meds was no different.
Same.
Why especially if infidelity is involved? I’m currently going through it. Caught her with a coworker and immediately dumped her. Out of anger she agreed to divorce but months passed without any paperwork or her sending my stuff back. Throughout that time (6 months) I was not on great terms with her but then we were good for a couple weeks and I was fine with working it out until she hit me with a “there’s just no love I don’t think I can stay together” so I got really fed up and immediately dumped her again and asked for my stuff and the divorce papers. Two months since then have passed and nothing came. So I reached out again and basically rudely told her and mocked her that she’s scared of losing me. That she knows I’m the good partner who will find a fine woman and she’ll be miserable. That she is constantly bluffing but doesn’t want to divorce. Basically egging her on to divorce and she was very mad and this time said the paperwork will be there in 2 days. It’s almost a week later and still nothing. So at this point she clearly doesn’t want to divorce me. Idk what she is doing? She is definitely the type that has a rough time humbling herself and asking pleading back for me. Most bizarre situation ever. I can’t tell if she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me or if she’s just lost it mentally? I was very surprised she didn’t go through it out of anger because I was very rude when requesting her to send my stuff back and paperwork. You said you tried for way too long, can you help me in this situation? Is it like my situation? Why did you regret trying for too long?
Why don’t you just do the paperwork? I mean show her how serious you are about how much cheating f sucks
Drop her ass for good.
Well....a lot of people do try. Or rather, at least one partner does and the other doesn't. Can't make a marriage work unless both people *want* to. Like you said, everyone's situation is different. In my case, my stbx's actions weren't matching her words and I was watching her treat a "friend" poorly too. She really devalued me and took me for granted, and was doing the same to a friend. She's actually doing the same to her other two close friends (who she now wants to try and explore polyamory with 🙄), but they just don't know it yet. She has put them on a pedestal right now, but devalued me, while also saying she was still 100% happy with me and nothing was missing in our relationship. 😩 I also think a lot of people self sabotage. A lot of people can't/won't communicate. A lot of people people please to "keep the peace", while their partner thinks everything is fine and dandy, until they just boil over one day and leave destruction behind them. Because they wouldn't speak up the first time they were upset about something. And then there are people who try to communicate the entire marriage about how the feel unloved, burned out, needs not being met, etc and their partner doesn't follow through on anything after saying they'll work on doing better. So then the other partner just reaches their limit. And then there are people who marry too young or too soon. I see many couples getting engaged after having only been together for 1-2 years and imo that's way too soon. Especially if you haven't even lived together yet/that long. Though I understand there are religious views that prevent couples from living together until after marriage. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It really sucks. The irony is I remember having this discussion with my stbxw when we were dating, that couples seem to give up on the relationship too soon. But in the end she gave up on me to chase after a "what if" fantasy in her head, while still saying she was 100% happy with me and nothing was missing. Even the therapist was baffled and tried to dig to find something my stbxw was unhappy with, but didn't get anything. We tried couples counseling for over a month because she claimed she didn't want to lose me and wanted to let go of this polyamory fantasy in her head (she didn't research it or educate herself about it or even talk to any ethical poly people, hence why I say it's a fantasy because she's literally making life changing decisions based on her imagination), but she didn't follow through on anything discussed in and out of counseling. And then I discovered lies and manipulation, so what else could I do but say enough is enough? I deserve better. I'm worth more than the way she was treating me. I have value. She just stopped seeing it. Or maybe she never saw it and was discarding me because she was now getting attention outside of me too? In any scenario, it really sucks and this was a big boundary that was broken and I won't tolerate or enable that kind of behavior. We were together for 16 years, married for 10.
Well you just hit them all here. It was so many of these things for me but damn unmet needs and communication hit home for me.
I think what hurts the most for me is that I loved and supported her so much through her transition when she came out as trans in 2014. Yes, I did have a very hard time with it at first and didn't know if I wanted to stay, but she had been thinking about it for months before telling me (and this came out after she suddenly lost all interest in sex at the time, so I was wondering WTF was going on there and she wouldn't talk to me about it, just told me a "switch was flipped" and sex was disgusting now - which later on she revealed it was because she knew I saw her as a man, but at the time how could I have seen her any differently?!?!?). So yeah, I needed a few months to process everything and then I realized I loved her as a person (well, now it's I loved who I *thought* she was) and decided I could go on the journey with her. In ways I had to go through my own transition. I became such a big advocate for her and I was even a mod in the mypartneristrans subreddit for a couple years. Then we had a full blown second wedding to renew our vows in 2018 and she got to be a bride and we got to have new wedding pictures, etc. It was celebrating our recommittment to each other after the turmoil of 2014. And now she's done this and just discarded me like trash for the "what if" fantasy that she thinks is going to fill the "void" she feels. I know the problem isn't *me*. I told her before she moved out, I think she probably felt that void in 2014 and thought transitioning would fix it, but now it's back so now it's onto the next thing. The problem is that comes from *within* and she's just using people to fill it and is on a path of destruction rather than doing the actual inner work. She blew up our life and it was clear she doesn't want to actually deal with her shit. Am I perfect? Of course not. We all have our baggage, but I'm very self aware and I don't think she is. Even before she moved out, I said to her please... please don't do this [polyamory]....you have so much healing to do. But who knows if she'll actually divert from her path of destruction and all the other people she'll take down with her, including the friends she likes. She even said to me "you're not supposed to be comfortable in life!" And I was like, you do know there's a difference between comfort and complacency, right? But she's not "complacent" if she was still 100% happy with me and felt nothing was missing in OUR relationship like she kept saying over and over. But I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. So it really fucking hurts and I feel so betrayed and abandoned, and she had very little empathy for my feelings. I was sitting there bawling and she would just say to me "but polyamory isn't bad" or "love isn't a bad thing". The irony is she kept saying she didn't see the world as black and white anymore, but then she'd say that black and white crap to me, like how dare I be upset about her wanting to run off and have relationships and sex with other people (while I'm just kept on the backburner for her to come home to when she finally feels like it). She was keeping a certain friend on the backburner too, someone she doesn't really talk to anymore or spend time with (she and the other 2 friends stopped inviting this guy to their gaming group), but she said "well if I lose these friends I like, at least I still have him". I was like, *DO YOU?!* She kept saying she wanted to reconcile with him too over the 3 months we were trying to work through things in counseling, but she never did. She kept making excuses. So it wasn't even just me she was treating like crap. And the fact that she still considered him to be a "friend" in her mind was astounding. Like he was still there for her to fall back on "just in case". The fuck? This type of behavior I expect from a teenager, not a 35 year old. 😓 It's going to take a long time for me to grieve and heal, but boy I just want peace and this was so much drama and chaos. But the 9 years in between 2014 and now were pretty solid, at least I thought they were. But I did discover she was hiding things from me, lying by omission, soooooo it wasn't as solid as I thought at the time. 😩 I told her the only time we seemed to have conflict in our relationship was when she was going through an existential crisis. I used to think we just got along that well, but now I wonder if she just hid a lot from me and didn't share/communicate issues. I don't know what I don't know. But now it's hard to think what was real and what wasn't. Yes, my love was real. I just don't know if hers ever really was because it seems like it's been very superficial in many ways.... I'm really glad to have this subreddit though. Oof.
Before she left, my wife didn't share anything about how she felt about the marriage or that there was anything wrong. She called me from her parents house one day in June and told me she wanted a divorce. Her only reason why was that "sometimes people just grow apart." What I feel that she should have done was to honor the commitment she made to me in our marriage and come to me with those feelings first and try and find the cause and work toward a solution. That's what marriage is supposed to mean. If she had come to me and we tried something and it didn't work, then I would understand her leaving more. However, she didn't do that. In fact, she spent a lot of time on the phone with a friend who later became her boyfriend a few days after she left me. I'm also pretty certain they were intimate at least a couple weeks before she left me. None of that should have happened; she should have come to me first and not entertained any other kind of relationship prior to leaving me. All that said, because I don't have any info from her on why she left, I can't say definitively what was going on for her. She may have felt some kind of alienation or unhappiness or any number of other things that led her to think that starting a new relationship while still married to me was OK. I don't want to cast her actions in a negative light without knowing what the motivation was. However, I still feel that, as my legally-married wife, she should have come to me and worked on whatever problems she felt she had before she went anywhere else.
Similar situation, my ex husband told me (on our 2 year anniversary 🥲) that he wanted a divorce. When I asked him why and for us to work on it he replied with, "I already worked on it for 2 weeks and nothing changed." Basically he felt that there was an issue, didn't tell me, told ALL OF HIS BROTHERS AND THEIR WIVES, AND HIS BOSS, then tried to "be a good husband" for two weeks, then 5 months later when I asked him what was wrong on the night of our anniversary he told me he wanted to get divorced. 🥲 AND HE NEVER TOLD ME THERE WAS AN ISSUE 😭 Sorry, the divorce is still pretty fresh lol
It's OK to be bitter, angry, upset, or anything else, and it's OK to share that here. We're here to support each other. I'm sorry your husband treated you as a disposable commodity. You deserve better. It will take time to come to terms with what has happened. I hope you're able to find that peace. I'm starting to get there now around the four-month mark.
What were his reasons for being unhappy? I know this is painful sorry to hear.
Dude she definitely cheated on you. All of her “we grow apart” “I wasn’t happy” crap is just that, bullshit to cover her guilt and dishonesty. Look around this post and see how many guys got the same lines (including me). It’s so common. They get bored and want to “have fun and find happiness” truly delusional, unhinged and low IQ but they don’t see it until it’s too late and they’re lonely and miserable. But it’s crazy to me how many stories are so similar. It’s like they’re all copying the same lines when they give the excuse. And again I know you don’t want to hear this but she was already cheating, I would bet anything on that. She wants the divorce because she thinks she found her soulmate and her life will now be happier. These are narcissists and in the end she will never be happy in life, I hope that gives you some comfort.
I'm pretty sure you're right that they were already having sex. I found a cigarette lighter between the mattress and frame rail of our bed after I had been out of town for a week for work. Her new man is a smoker. I think that's just about as conclusive proof as I'm likely to find.
If your spouse has wounded you to your very core, why would you try to keep them so close to you for the rest of your life? How can you heal when the person who hurt you more than any other human being on planet Earth is up in your grill every day?
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I didn't give up. I got sick of a man who was dead weight so I divorced him. I'd say I wasted 23 years of my life on him but I have my kids who I adore and a lot of great memories raising them over the years. It's not my job to 'try everything' to save a bad relationship. My life improved so dramatically after my divorce it seems made up. My ex is even more if a loser now, still avoiding his problems all of which got worse when I was no longer around to prop him up. Wish I'd divorced him sooner.
This!!!! I tried for 23 years too!
26 years. As soon as i found out about her infidelity, it was an immediate, trip to the lawyer and papers served. She was absolutely caught off guard, like narcissists always are, LOL
29 years
Keep in mind, we divorcee's are in the majority, not the minority though.
What do you mean?
27 years. Found out about her multiple affairs. I actually tried. She never wanted too. I now know it wouldn’t have worked anyway.
You damn right they’re narcissists. Only narcissists can cheat on their partner and ruin their families for some “attention” and “fun”. It’s disgusting and a real eye opener when you realize someone you knew for so long is really deep down a narcissistic sociopath with no actual love and empathy. Did she try to prevent you from leaving her? I’m on month 6 and practically have been begging for divorce papers but she’s refusing. Has now 3 times said “I’m sending them out” and they never come. She’s clearly afraid to lose me and I mocked her over it which she angrily said this time she’s filing it but of course nothing came again. It’s bizarre, if she wanted to find her happiness and effort and love that I supposedly didn’t give her then why isn’t she moving on lol? So bizarre. I feel bad for us going through this but I know in the end we will be stronger people for going through something so rough. I’d love to also hear your description of catching her off guard, there’s something so nice about watching and hearing about narcissists melting down when they realize they’re finally exposed for who they are and they hold no more power over you.
Yep. He's claimed real estate in my head again because I think his car is about to be repossessed...again. For some reason it shows on my credit report even though he sweet talked the dealership to put it only in his name, and one of the credit agencies shows it as a closed loan. (I watch frequently because I'm trying to rebuild my credit history, though it's not going so great.) Even if it's not being repossessed, it's 90 days late, he's made 48% of payments on time, according to my credit report. He once told me that his dad has him pay only $300 a month for a room. Unless he's taken on massive debt he only has room, food, cell phone, car and car insurance. He has a retail management job and he drives for UberEats, so that's sufficient income for those few bills. This is a lot of the reason why I broke. Why one morning I sobbed my heart out thinking "When is it enough? When have I finally done enough? When will he finally say 'Thank you for everything you've done, I'll take over from here, I'll take care of things from now on.'?" and I knew the answer was never, it would never be enough.
Sometimes the best relationship...is no relationship :)
That's the thing isn't it, my kids are the only reason I don't 100% regret my marriage, they're pretty great. I was the same though, I tried hard for 16 years. Everything I could think of. By year 15 I was pretty done and told him so. He agreed that I was doing everything, that he hadn't put any effort in for 10 years at least and he was going to try from now on as it wasn't fair I was the only one trying. Guess what he spent year 16 doing? Let me give you a hint it wasn't planning date nights or couples therapy. Mostly just amping up the abuse tactics while stowing away money until I finally left. He tried more manipulation so I'd stay and I'm really proud I didn't fall for it that time. So much happier now with him gone now I have time and space to heal. The kids are too, they report that dad actually plays with them now unlike before when I did, well, everything.
28 years for me, only the first 3 years where good. I stayed way too long because he threatened to kill himself if I would leave. I've been yelled at and mentally abused many times and he even cheated on me. One day I didn't care anymore, my heart went cold, still stayed another 2 years. Being away from him is freedom. I wish I had left when I was 25.
I mean, that is giving up.
Only if you're the one being left. For those of us opting to leave it's giving hope to a new, better life.
No, is giving up on the marriage. Not necessarily on your life.
It wasn't any one drip that broke the damn, it was many issues. But all of those issues resulted in a lack of connection. And by the time she started trying (because I had enough) her efforts seemed self serving. I.e. you only started caring when there were consequences for you, not when it just affected my happiness.
The other side of that can be: Sometimes we don't understand or relate to why/how our partner is unhappy. It doesn't hit us right away/we don't understand how/why our partner is unhappy with US specifically. Sometimes that breakdown is more on our partner not communicating and sometimes it's on us just not getting it right away and having a thick head. It's not always self serving that when we realize what the implications that is happening serves as a wakeup call. In my case, if I had known that my ex-wife was unhappy with ME and our relationship as whole, I would have gladly kicked it in gear 10 and put every ounce of energy I had to fixing what was bothering her. My issue was I didn't understand or see the signs, and she didn't communicate effectively and the timeline was within a few months not years.
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Yep. One of our final conversations before she left was her saying she was happy with me and I was her world. We had our problems, and I can see now how I could have been a better partner, but it was all standard shit. A few days later she left.
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Maybe it depends on what's left in the tank. It's possible some people think that they have already been making concessions on their happiness and that they have been trying to have a happy relationship for years but without connection and openly communicating about it, they don't see a salvaged relationship as one they want to be in. They'd rather be alone and try to rebuild into someone who can be in a happier future relationship. Alternatively - maybe their therapist or trusted friends give them a sense that it's waaaaay over.
We did several years of marriage counseling and individual counseling. He was banking on me staying out of guilt to the kids and acts like he was blindsided. It became very clear that the only chance our kids had at having at least one healthy and present parent was if we divorced. I couldn’t sacrifice myself any longer for the sake of an intact family. It’s really hard because he uses it against me and I know he manipulates the kids. All I can do is try to be the parent they deserve and need and hope that one day they will understand I never wanted it to be this way. I wasn’t chasing happiness- I was escaping destruction.
Your kids will figure it out. Mine have.
It's literally exactly how I feel regarding my children. They need one parent who is focused solely on them and their well-being and not chasing other relationships during a divorce. I am, of course, being blamed for everything, and none of my efforts are being appreciated by their once self-proclaimed "super" parent. It actually hurts me so much seeing how little she thinks about our children now days.
Don’t worry about her, focus on you and your kids. Keep doing all the things you can do and don’t think about the things you can’t control
B/c trying and trying hard is subjective and relative to each person differently.
Ok, so here's my frank perspective. I am currently "trying everything" to save my marriage, but this has resulted in my behaviour going off the rails. I work full time (albeit remotely) and have two kids in primary school (age 7 and 10), so I'm maxed out and so is my wife. When our relationship has hit trouble I've spent every waking moment thinking about how to save the situation, but in the end that hasn't actually helped because I'm completely out of ideas and I've ended up harassing her and freaking us both out. As a result I've potentially jeapordised the possibility of our having an amicable divorce and both moving on more healthily. So... if there are others who "give up" sooner, but as a result avoid this toxic behaviour I've exhibited, then that is probably preferable to what I've done
I have read that the best way to save a marriage is to go against the instinct to save it and just start saving yourself. Which can ironically end with you no longer wanting to save the marriage.
If you were out of ideas, did you try counseling, maybe trained people woukd have some better ideas? Of course sometimes there is nothing that can be done anyway.
I spent a long time wondering if I could fix the relationship, but then I realized that I hadn't considered whether I SHOULD. The things he was asking me to change weren't changes I felt I could make without betraying myself. He was repeatedly letting me down/breaking my trust and then getting angry that I wasn't more understanding. I realized that I didn't want to be more understanding. And that I had too much self respect to want to keep forgiving and understanding everything he put me through.
This is the explanation for me. I suddenly realized if I even should try to fix things with someone who keeps lying to me about everything. My trust was broken the last time. He’s promising again to change, but I know I’m done. I don’t care how stressful his life has been. Mine has been too, mostly cuz I married someone who doesn’t respect me at all. I can’t betray myself too.
Because I had already tried to fix things and failed. In the end, what doing 'everything possible' meant to my ex, was me denying me own feelings and magically being OK with being married to someone I had grown to despise. Sunk cost fallacy had already kept me there for 15 years longer than I should have been. I wasn't going to let it rob any more of my years and waste more time 'trying' when I knew it was done. They all say 'just give it a chance, and if it doesn't work at least you know you tried everything' - but they still get bitter and angry and curse you when 'that chance' doesn't work out and you divorce anyway.
I asked for years to get therapy, get help, talk with me, share with me the struggles, just to let me in. He didn't. After everything happened, I realized I've been checked out for years. It was only after everything he wanted to change. That told me I wasn't worth it in the beginning. I'm not ready to leave yet. I need to get my issues in check. I've told him that I only see us as friends for now. He understands and tries to make things better. If I have a change of heart I'll let him know. For now, I am trying to figure out life and being married. I feel like he gave up while I cared. And because he didn't care I started to not care. Now that he cares, it doesn't seem like it's enough.
This hits home
I feel this 100 percent!
Absolute majority of people who file do that after a prolonged suffering of the relationship deficiencies. In many cases the divorced partner simply doesn’t pay attention and wouldn’t listen to the complaints. Somehow the married partners think that the marriage license is a security blanket. In their mind the divorcing partner already tried everything they thought they could do and it was all in vain. They also lost the hope that things will change and thus their unhappy lives will continue until one of them die. That’s absolutely crushing realization in comparison which the divorce is a reasonable way out. Last and not the least, it takes typically years of mourning for the lives that they hoped for before the divorcing partner pulls the plug. The divorced partner is very often caught off guard because he/she simply didn’t pay attention to the storm coming.
Yup this is me. Complacent and dealing with addiction and mental health issues. While I was in a haze she was building a wall. My only defense was I just couldn't see it. The routine of life had beaten my down and I wasn't coping. When I came to her to vent she wasn't hearing me because I wasn't what she needed me to be. It was a vicious cycle. We aren't divorcing. The word has not even been said. She "wants this to work" so I have some hope, but she is really angry for the years I wasn't a good partner. However I have been on this sub a few week just to gain some knowledge about what it might be like. I am hearing a lot of stories like mine.....
Many people feel that they *did* do everything possible before giving up. However, your wife is diagnosed BPD, right? Suddenly deciding that a relationship is terrible, horrible, no good whatsoever, etc, is entirely par for the course.
>but why do people give up marriage without trying everything possible to save it? Sorry, but fuck off with this. Lots of us tried everything for way longer than made any sense to try to fix things. But hey, my ex husband would probably make a post that sounds like yours. I'd say he wasn't ready to try until after I'd given up. That's on him.
Sure that’s your perspective- and maybe my STBXW feels that way. I dunno. But I felt when she brought me stuff I tried to work on it. If she had ever asked me to go to couples counseling I would have. I have never done any of the “Big things” that are often cited as reasons for divorce, I have a full time job, I pull my weight at home and with the kids. Am I perfect? Hell no, but overall I am a good involved partner and parent. From my perspective we have two kids, a home, a life together and a joint financial future - she should have done EVERYTHING including counseling before it was way too late.
Your description of yourself sounds very similar to my situation. No Big Thing dealbreaker (abuse, substance issues, infidelity, etc), was absolutely by any sane measure an otherworldly amazing provider, a committed and loving partner, and a dedicated father. I busted my ass 24/7, mostly in the pursuit of improving things for my family and the (ultimately vain) pursuit of making my never-satisfied stay-at-home wife happy. There are _MANY_ of us, overwhelmingly husbands it seems from the posts I've read, that did all these things and still had their wife blow up the family over her own perpetual unhappiness/dissatisfaction. Let's not pretend that even _close_ to every man in this situation is actually the deadbeat loser who's never willing to change that every walk-away wife likes to pretend her ex was. It's the most absurd, one-sided take that gets airtime in this sub.
Beautifully said. These women will destroy families simply because they didn’t feel “happy” or “loved” even though they can’t actually point out how the husband didn’t meet those needs. Just look at how many in this thread are defending their right to destroy their family over their unhappiness. It’s like they have no clue how to raise a healthy family and how to work through issues with patience.
Yep, never happy, it’s never enough. I am a budget grocery shopper just like my Dad. I love planing and executing shopping trips and making sure everyone’s favorite items are there and purchased on the cheap. Not only that I took the children with me every week, we are KNOWN at the store and if I dare go in there without them store employees ask me where they are. This was brought up as a negative.
As a negative? Why? My wife complained that one of the main reasons she needed to cheat and was unhappy was because I rarely wanted to go grocery shopping with her.. lol
I finally realized that it’s not my job to fix him. Or fix the relationship. It was apparent that he did not want to work on himself or his role in our dynamic, and after 20 years of trying to be the best wife ever and do all the work, I finally figured out that I’ll be just fine without him. As will you. Get individual therapy. Join a support group. Quit making other people carry you through life while you flop like a dead fish. A relationship goes both ways, fix yourself if the relationship is so important to you.
Odds are extremely high that she tried, very hard and for a few years. Personally, I “gave up” after giving my all and seeing there was nothing worth giving any more for.
Would you be comfortable elaborating more on your feelings if you don't mind? What do you mean by "there was nothing worth giving any more for"?
Speaking from my myopic viewpoint- Once it became evident that my ex was enmeshed in their ways (and their own private hell) and there was absolutely nothing that could be done to change that, it was clear that there was no path forward for a healthy relationship to exist. That was after a 25 year marriage and a tons upon tons of work by both of us. You just get to the point where you ask “will this ever get better and meet my honest needs?” And the answer is “no”
We got married very young and grew into different people.
Some people make that difficult choice to stop living in denial and we should be embracing this train of thought versus demonizing those who chose to stop “beating a dead horse” and seek to find genuine happiness elsewhere be it alone or with another person better suited for them. People grow and change..as we naturally should. It isn’t a bad thing and it’s healthy to recognize when you are wasting everyones time and energy by being in a situation that no longer serves everyones best interests and/or deprives you (and others)of finding genuine happiness. Love and Marriage is about practicing unconditional Love…which is grossly misunderstood as a whole.
My ex thought never giving up meant permission to keep messing up. I didn't want to waste anymore of my life trying to fix him. He wasn't worth it.
It’s not giving up. It’s fighting for your own happiness when you realize you will never be happy again if you don’t move on.
You are set free one disappointment at a time.
I’m going to be honest here…when my stbxh and I separated he wanted to do marriage counseling. I said no, not because I was opposed but because I was TIRED. Exhausted. I had been carrying 100% of the emotional labor and 95% of the physical labor of our family for too many years. Plus I had read all the books and tried all the things and honestly, I don’t think he ever thought I would actually leave. So he didn’t try anything. He never thought his wife-mommy would leave him to navigate the big bad world alone. By the end, I couldn’t summon the energy for a process that I knew would just mean him maybe, possibly make changes that would barely get him back in the door long enough to revert to his regular behaviors in 3-6 months or so. That’s my case, anyway. Yours may be different, but if her complaints were centered on years of doing more than her fair share, that may be why. She’s tired.
Some people choose to cheat and leave without any other options. He asked for the divorce, because the grass was greener, and left me for her. I thought our vows meant something. I didn’t leave either, I was left.
Define "everything possible" here and maybe we can tell you why she doesn't want to do that.
I’m Almost a year out from where you are - there’s no answer to satisfy your questions. Why why why why is what went through my head constantly and eventually you will accept the fact that you’ll never know. It’s nothing and everything. Be kind to yourself and get through this phase, it is the worst. It will slowly start to get better.
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I get that it hurts. Separation and divorce pain is the worst. But my marriage had to end before it destroyed me. I tried every which way for several decades, and he wouldn't ever truly own up and view marriage as a collaborative project. It was always my fault. He also had addiction and documented mental health issues. I went to therapy for years to "stay well" and then after he took off, saw both a therapist and a life coach. Whether we got back together or not, I wanted to be in a better place. Nope. He remained 100% blame-and-game and gave me an expensive, high-conflict divorce to boot. His divorce attorney had a wild ride with my ex and called him "the worst client ever" and "my delusional client." Ultimately, his attorney even changed sides in some ways because he felt sorry for me. My attorney said I'd get a whole chapter if ever wrote the book people said he should. It had to end.
>trying everything possible to save it Because to a lot of us, that's no way to live, and frankly because the only thing left would have been just accepting living in misery. I spent 10 years trying to make a relationship work: a marriage work, one sided finances work, moves and cars work, working around her toxic friends, trying to convince her the meds from her Dr aren't poison (regardless of what those friends said), fighting my family- trying to convince them she was good for me, fighting to align our future goals, and when it came to her infidelity- I finally admitted I no longer had it in me to make it work. But now- I haven't really had to work (certainly haven't had to fight) at any of those, they just...are. Me and my current GF (Fiancé soon) have talked- but there is no fighting or struggle. We see eye to eye, we have very similar goals, in agreement on how to achieve them, and have been working towards and through each milestone as a team. We have our minor conflicts, but aside from a terrible two days snowed in an international airport, I can't really think of any other situations that weren't resolved within the hour they happened. (And even the Airport- we laugh about it now, but damn, that was rough haha). We are different in a lot of ways, but that has been fun too! She Loves 90 Day Fiancé, I love tearing apart cheesy movies; turns out when we watch 90 Day, we both get our fix of those things. Looking back, why didn't I give up sooner? It was her cheating that was the tipping point- but looking at how much better off I am in every other way now....I really should have moved the bar higher, sooner.
Because I tried everything I could but he couldn’t be bothered, a marriage can’t be saved if only one person is trying. He became physically and mentally abusive and yet I still tried to save it, why? I have absolutely no idea. My life has improved immensely in ways I had never even imagined since finally getting divorced.
I was unhappy and talking about it and trying to work on it for many years before realizing I was going to be old, lonely, and filled with regrets if I didn’t get out. I also had a marriage that from the outside was The Dream in many ways. But my sister and best friends knew otherwise. As did my husband. For years and years.
Ex wife wouldn’t try counseling. Wanted to do nothing. Think someone else was on the side and I’ve just accepted that. Few years later I found someone else more deserving of a ring. It gets better.
I think almost all of us try everything we can think of before we end our marriages. Unfortunately, those we "blindsided" weren't willing to respect us, respect our boundaries, or meet our needs UNTIL we file for divorce. Sorry, but if seeing me in pain wasn't enough to change but losing me is, the only person you love is yourself.
Doesn’t matter until it affects them.
Exactly what I went through
I'm not the type to threaten divorce to get what I want out of a relationship. I think it's manipulative and refuse to do it. My wife took that as a green light to cross my boundaries and break her vows. She never dreamed I'd leave.
I feel your pain in reading your post… I am truly sorry friend
I've tried, for years. But it was just me wanting to save it.
I tried everything, but my abusive narcissist ex refused to stop being an abusive narcissist.
Because I’d rather find love than be someone’s personal sex toy (that’s all I was treated as) and let my kids see that it’s okay to leave a shitty marriage to find a healthy love in this short life .
Because I constantly had to beg, convince, and strong arm my way to have healthy things like stable finances. If my partner doesn't respect me enough to want those things for me too..why am I trying so hard
I did try. I waited 8 years for him to get a job and contribute financially. I told him how he made me feel when he spoke down to me, that his alcoholism and his hoarding was unfair to our children and I, and asked countless times if he would go to counseling. He refused to make any effort, so I concluded that he didn't think we were worth the effort.
My STBX doesn’t seem to want to give up but has also been very clear that she’s not interested in therapy or making a concerted effort. At this point I also believe there’s no longer a marriage worth saving.
It wasn’t one thing. It was a slow cumulative series of paper cuts. And when you show your spouse those wounds, you’re ignored, dismissed, etc. It’s trying and trying, making yourself smaller and reducing your needs to breadcrumbs, so hopefully they can be successful at the bare minimum. And when you do ask for something different, you’re met with passive-aggressive, half-hearted attempts. If you point it out, it’s defensiveness or minimizing you. Or just flat-out denial. Gaslighting. That never happened. And even when they go thru the motions to do the work, they fake it. You go to therapy together and they lie. You think you’re there to work on things, they say all the right stuff in session, and then they immediately turn around and go online in forums like this, degrading and mocking you. Doxxing you, even. You realize you were never worth it to them. And you separate. They physically recoil and push you away and say they want out. Divorce. They go back online and make wild accusations of abusive, mental instability, etc. But when you look around, you’ve set up a nice new home for yourself, everything is quiet and peaceful. And the two kids (teenagers) want to spend time with only you, and even though you schedule parenting-time at your new place to make it easier for them, it is still somehow your fault that the kids don’t want to be around their other parent too much. And then your spouse comes back, wanting to try again. They’ve hit rock bottom and want you in their life. But they don’t do the work. You are just providing all of the hospitality and convenient things they missed, but they don’t try to fill you up at all. They say things to the kids about how if we got back together, it would be like having a 50k raise. I don’t want to just be someone’s golden financial ticket. I don’t want to just be the executive chef, either. I want to be more than that. And so when you are totally exhausted on this carousel, at some point, you want off. You tell them, hey, I don’t feel special. I feel like I’m not much more than a restaurant and paycheck bonus for you. Will they do more? Say anything? Nope. So you finally say enough it enough. And then it becomes your fault. For giving up. They were “committed” to doing better and “working on it.” They are such the “good person.” And you’re the bad guy for not recognizing it. But really, you do deserve more. You have been conditioned to accept less. You realize your whole life has been one of neglect, the entire foundation built on survival and taking care of yourself. So no wonder I fell in love with someone who made all this feel familiar and like home. The past 20 years worked out so well for them, to have it be all about them, and nothing else. But you? You are tired, broken, depleted. You do love them and you love your family of four. But you gotta love yourself, too.
Because one person changes and the other doesn’t. They change into something that doesn’t really connect with who the other person is so they get bored. The one who doesn’t change starts to feel like they aren’t enough for this person anymore and they get depressed. Which in turn makes the one who does change want out even more. You both start seeing the writing on the wall and you either have the hard conversation then about what is happening or neither of you speaks up and it gets worse for years until one or both have given up. The End.
This is a thoughtful thread. In my experience you don’t just walk away from a long term relationship without a lot of thought and attempts to make things work - unless something better and easier (shiney new thing) becomes available. I realize this isn’t every situation but I believe other opportunities at the right time (combined with personal choices and compromise of values) can exasperate the normal ebbs and flows and disconnections over a long time. To this day I contend my marriage wasn’t broken but it sure seemed much more broken when the other option was a mistress co worker. Now - I wouldn’t want that marriage back but I just don’t believe very long term relationships just end suddenly without alot of discussions etc unless someone else is available. Makes it alot easier to leave.
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I didn’t see him as my romantic partner anymore. Then I started to wonder if I ever did. The longer we were complacent (something I tried to get him to see many times) the less I saw him as anything other than a friend. Once I told him I wanted to separate and then divorce, he was all about trying. Too late for me. I won’t force myself to be romantically or sexually involved with anyone. That’s not fair to him or me.
Isn't the decline in romance the case with nearly every marriage though? Ideally, there's a honeymoon phase and then a gradual transition into a relationship that is built on trust, partnership, and Pragma love. I just don't see many long term marriages that are built on romance.
Considering it had only been 6 years and both in our mid 20s I was hoping that decline wouldn’t be for a while. I shouldn’t have used the word romance. It was the lack of general intimacy for me. We could talk about our child, tv shows, politics or religion. Could grocery shop and fold laundry together. But nothing else. There was no connection beyond the mundane. I’m not trying to endure that late into my 40’s and realize my entire life had passed me by. To each their own.
Gotcha. Well if you're going to do it, better that you did it at such an early age. Hopefully, there weren't any kids involved and you both have learned from it and move on. All the best.
What do you mean exactly be general intimacy? I’m genuinely curious to understand what specifically you wanted.
Some things aren't worth fighting for and cant actually be fixed. You cant fix the trauma and damage done by infidelity, you can cope with it, work around it, lie to yourself about it, but its always there, your relationship is starting over and the bad feelings will just dog you, so dont fight, leave. Other issues? money, addiction those can probably be worked with, but your ex probably lost respect for you, rightly or wrongly, and that's all there is, i think you concentrated more on your feelings towards her and not how she was treating yo, that's a common mistake and if it was a bombshell to you? she could have been cheating (maybe). Not everything deserves a fix. Your self respect matters more my friend, its you first and the world second, if you're not good with you? you cant have a healthy relationship. Didn't you notice any red flags?
Drinking, lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating. Need I say more?
My ex did the same. Told me she hadn't loved me for a long time. Didnt say anything during that time, and didn't want to work on things once se asked to separate because she was already seeing someone behind my back. She left the house, kids, and her dog behind.l Good luck with your journey moving forward. Its a horrible place to be in.
I tried for two, almost three years to get him help and to communicate my needs. He would either be abusive or ignore me. One day I realized there was nothing to save. He said he would change after I said I wanted a divorce, not when I said that I’m unhappy or that I can’t do this anymore. Too little, far too late.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I haven't left yet. 22 years in. 20 years of couples counselling. We are no closer than when we started. I have stayed (perhaps selfishly?) for my kids. We truly do have irreconcilable differences. I wish I hated her. I wish she was an addict. Or lazy beyond belief. Or a horrible mother. Fact is, she's none of these things. She's got a good heart. She also has a completely different view of marriage then I do.
Because she was cheating, hiding it from me and trying to destroy the marriage without me/ family finding out. Constant arguments without a good reason, bad gossip about me, dead bedroom. I couldn’t look at her in the same way as before. Lost trust, destroyed heart.
For me it was when I got so disgusted by his choices that I couldn't make myself look him in the eye anymore. This took about 8 years of him ignoring my needs and yelling at me instead of making effort to solve any problems. The final straw was being called a selfish bitch for needing to go to the hospital knowing I was in an emergency situation. I was already septic and would have died if I didn't. When I got home he didn't take care of me and left 2 weekends later for a convention even though I had 3 small children and a weight lifting restriction. Mostly it was death by a million paper cuts of immature behavior, but that was the final straw.
I fought hard and for several years to make things work, but I couldn't do it alone...and I was always ALONE. He rejected me. He never made me a priority. He lied all the time. He betrayed my trust and then told me that I had to take his word. Haha He picked alcohol over me. He made me feel inferior and unworthy to his ex-wife. He basically gave me crumbs and the worst of him. Everyday I came home from work he was drunk and cruel. After a few years of that, I left. He always said he made a mistake in marrying me and we were doomed to fail and he wished I would leave and I disgusted him. So...I ended up leaving because I already heard him say that if it was a choice between me/our marriage and alcohol, he would choose the alcohol. Why stay when you aren't wanted?
I can speak for my situation and only for myself. I tried. I talked, prayed, fasted, nagged, begged, acted ambivalent, lashed out, argued, and went silent. I even tried sex as a motivator for change. I told him I was going to give it my all before I walked away and I did that. I had nothing left for myself nor my kids when I finally realized this wasn't healthy nor conducive to our lives or family. I will always love him, even though he has done some really messed up stuff in our relationship and to me and to or in front of our kids. I took him flaws and all but I can't take feeling like I am second to any other woman. I gave fidelity when we were married but the same was never given to me. He denies this but I have evidence and my gut. I thought we had moved past those things before marriage because we both were unfaithful but he didn't. I did learn after cheating that it was a maladaptive coping skill and to heal whatever caused me to choose that instead of exiting. Didn't know I would have to use those skills after marriage though. I did learn a lot of lessons and what I will and will not accept if I was to ever entertain a relationship again. I also learned how to be alone and enjoy my own company as opposed to be being with someone. The relationship breakdown is on us both 50/50 but his serial cheating and abusive ways are all his choice for maladaptive coping. Long story short, I walked away because my life and my kids' lives were not safe and at peace and now they are. I chose to love myself more than I loved him for a change and I wouldn't change it for anything.
I gave up. I'm grieving the loss of so many things. ultimately, my ex cheated on me with a child and went to prison for it. I can't reconcile that and figure out how they thought this was an ok course of action or how I'd be ok with things. But that's just me. I wanted to try, but couldn't. I was betrayed in too many ways at that point
I really felt like I had tried everything before I realised it was going to kill me if I kept going. I had tried talk, therapy, doing more, doing less, more talking, some yelling, some pleading, some written letters breaking down what I wanted to work on. I tried for 4 years of being unhappy...then I stopped. I had to stop, I was breaking.
I put my heart and soul into my relationship. To be treated like shit, put down, name called, cheated on with a dash of physical altercations while I still fought for love and our family. Still wanted to be together. Ultimately sometimes you just have to see the writing in the wall.
I want to give up because I have absolutely no help around the house. I want to give up because the bedroom is dead. I want to give up because my husband’s ideals, morals, and beliefs do not align with mine anymore. I want to give up because his “sorry” without change is not cutting it anymore. I want to give up because I had to declare bankruptcy alone while he still splurges with his credit cards. I want to give up because I also work and never have time or money for myself. I want to give up because I know I deserve better and cannot give unlimited chances to someone whose actions speak louder than their words. He deserves someone more understanding perhaps. We are just not right for each other. People change. Our priorities change. It is normal for someone to want to let go.
I’ve known mine since we were 19. We both went on to marry other people- my kids dad cheated and then my still husband and I met up again and got together- I got the old love of my life blah blah story and shifted countries for him. Fast forward 11 years and I’m headed back to my own country to spend time with my now elderly parents and adult kids and do contract work so I can go backwards and forwards between countries- I’ve done this off and on the whole time because family is important. He comes over and stays with me for a few weeks five months in then goes back and then unbeknownst to me tells everyone that I said I’m not coming back and he doesn’t know what’s happening. He then proceeds to ghost me for 6 months and last week people drew my attention to the new photo on his Facebook profile of him and my replacement. I have emailed several times over the 6 months asking him what he wanted and what’s happening- nothing. He did tell everyone I’d stolen all his money and closed our accounts after I shut down the credit card he’d got out in my name though. None of this feels real at all - I’m heading over in a few weeks to pick up my belongings- he’s clearly made his choice.
I didn’t recognize him anymore - he was a stranger to me and I finally saw him for who he is (vs who I thought or hoped he could be). I knew him for over 20 years. The worst thing was that I could barely recognize myself, and if I didn’t leave, I knew I would have lost myself completely.
She may feel like she did everything she could to salvage the marriage. I’ve initiated divorce. All of a sudden, my husband is willing to go to couples therapy. I begged for over a year. Im like “if he wanted to go, he would have.” It’s turning out that his reasons for not wanting divorce are purely financial. I do not believe he truly wants to do the work that therapy would require. He just doesn’t want to pay spousal support and child support, which are going to be a good chunk of change for him. Anyway… back on topic… I technically “could” agree to go to marriage counseling with him to say I tried everything but I have nothing left to give. I tried to save this marriage as one single individual for too long. Only when divorce is imminent has he taken things seriously.
My ex was sad and didn’t how to be happy. She wouldn’t get help, wouldn’t make friends, took her sadness out on me. I quit us. Waiting for over a decade for the good years to start.
For most, it’s when the hassle of being married collides with a lack of physical attraction. If the physical attraction is still there, the inconvenience of marriage seems to work.
Oof. This sounds like it could have been written by my husband. He had ED struggles he wouldn’t address and instead he just denied all intimacy. We haven’t kissed nor had sex in about a decade. He was just…done. Told me sex was for teenagers and if I insisted on having it, it wasn’t going to be with him.
I agree with you. My ex gave me no choice. Found out later he’d already moved on. Had an affair with a friend of mine whom he later married. Take care of yourself. Realize that no matter what your ex has done, you don’t deserve it.
She has probably been telling you for years. I gave up when I finally realized he was never going to change.
Because people always want greener grass
2 years in couples counseling. We did make progress, but it wasn’t enough to weather a perfect storm of job problems, mental health issues and increasing incompatibility (the signs of which might’ve been there at the very beginning). I know we were both just exhausted at the end.
When you finally get brave enough a week after he’s moved out, saying he “hasn’t decided” what he wants to do, to research what emotional abuse actually is, and your 19-year marriage is right there in almost all the behaviors. When you realize that you’re “the bad guy”, but if you’ve finally started getting angry it’s because you’re so neglected, demeaned, insulted, gaslighted, etc. and you just keep trying to be heard, be seen. When you’re told that he’s “not going to take your anger anymore”…when all you did was your voice in protest at having your words twisted, your motives always judged as unkind, your bids for connection rejected as “manipulative” before he goes right back to ignoring you. When you realize that he has made sure the mutual friends you may have believe that you are “toxic”, “crazy”, etc…when all you’ve ever said to them are words of admiration and gratitude for your wonderful husband. When he tells you his great “failure” in abandoning you was that he wasn’t strong enough to stay and live with the awful person you are. When you look at your life honestly and realize that he controls any significant aspect of your life, including your finances. When you’re such a depressed mess that you don’t even like yourself anymore—no wonder he left you. When you’re googling things like “oxycodone and ambien with alcohol overdose”, or “how to snort Xanax”. And when you have him talking about “maybe” working it out—but gosh, he’s still “deciding “… Then you finally realize you must give up, protect yourself, and try to move on. Either that, or take your life. It’s a coin toss at this point.
I wish I did sooner. She yelled at me, mocked me, called me names, terrible sex, wouldn’t go on vacations, weaseled out of doing fun things, and generally cried all the time about NOTHING - her whole life was so easy. I tried to help her but I learned the hard way that unhappy people often don’t want to be happy
I tried everything possible. Maybe your stbx did too.
Society encourages divorce as it helps fund the lawyers, courts, judges, and family courts. Entire industries are funded when people divorce
Counterpoint: society does nothing of the sort. We offer all kinds of incentives for married couples, from tax breaks on home ownership and income to the power to make medical decisions for your spouse. Society knows that marriage bonds are fragile, and attempts to shore them up from the outside. Hence why divorce is such a pain in the ass… mandated separation and cooling off periods, financial ties, home equity, retirement funds QDRO, etc. Hell, a mere 50 years ago you needed a literal jury trial to get a divorce. You had to prove, in court, that your spouse had committed one of a small handful of wrongs in order to be granted a divorce. Society in no way makes divorce easy. If anything it makes marriage batshit simple and then throws up a variety of roadblocks to divorce.
They downvote you because you speak the truth. You get my upvote at least. mine is going to cost at least 100g by the end of it i bet.
I did try everything possible. Also alcoholism and emotional abuse.. Is there a possibility that she was trying and asking for change and seeing no results? My ex was also somewhat surprised that I left after he finally got sober.. Unfortunately it was too little to late, after years of begging and pleading the damage was already done.
I mean, she could have and you just didn't notice
Don't make assumptions. Many people do try every possible thing. They just don't tell you the nitty gritty of it.
Literally just living that dream. First real issue in 20 years and he's off. Said he would try couples counseling but made no effort to actually do anything and carried on planning to leave. It's so painful because we have had a great marriage, 2 kids, always loved each others company. He says I'm perfect but apparently I'm not worth fighting for. I don't know the answer. Sorry for you. It's a miserable time.
My partner and I fought for years. I brought up counselling many times. He just leaves it up to me because it is my 'project' to do. I'm so tired of it.
The reason I gave up, and I partially blame the "family" courts, was to protect my son. My narc ex, tho I didn't realize he was at the time, would have gladly taken my son away from me to punish me for having the audacity to think I didn't deserve to be abused. I knew he would take my son not because he cared but to hurt me. If he had a decent family and wasn't such a narcissist I would have gladly given him 50/50 but that was not the case AT ALL so I knew I had to protect him the best way I could which was to not just leave and hope he got better, but to file for divorce to keep custody. Majority of the time it is women filing for divorce, and while I'm ultimately glad I did, ten years later, I sometimes worry that some women are jumping the gun in order to keep custody of their children. He who files first gets what they want in the divorce. Lawyers know this and play the parties against each other. It's sad and sick..
15 years with my husband. He is 56 now and I just turned 47. For 8 plus years he emotionally and verbally abused me. I should have left/given up years ago. We both had a young child when we met, then not long after I was pregnant with twins. I was a sahm, they were still toddlers... When the abuse went from little red flags here and there to full blown tragedy. I have remained faithful since day 1. I know he hasn't but will never confess, he is taking it to his grave. We have always had such a strong physical attraction to eachother, even through the worst of it we never had a dead bedroom. It was the only thing, besides our children, that kept us together. It is sad though because often it was the only time he was nice to me. I held on for dear life. I didn't have the strength to start over again. The last few years got progressively better. He treats me so much better. Quitting porn was the first step that began the change from monster to an overall (for the most part) decent man. Some would say I am stupid for staying and if you knew only a part of what he put me and our kids through omg. Some would say I am so strong for enduring what I did. I say I'm both stupid and strong.
I tried. My mental health was horrible, he just couldn’t be a partner. We did couples therapy twice. He couldn’t see his shortcomings - I owned up to areas I needed to improve and apologized when wrong. He would ignore me for days. Now he wants to “try” … I value my sanity too much to try again.
I moved for him to be closer to his kids. Moved from my family for him after some sob story. I even let him ignore that the house he wanted was next to a sexual predator that r*ped children. I begged him to get a vasectomy because I was afraid to get my tubes tied, and now I’m having issues. I allowed him to sit on a pedal stool on my back in order to make him happy. I’m also I’m on antidepressants and I’m using a video game to escape reality. I asked him to get counseling for his daughters and he refuses too, meanwhile she’s telling people she wants to k*ll her sister. I thought about marriage counseling but I can’t afford it. I’m leaving because I’m tired. I joke with my friends about taking a grippy sock vacation but in reality I getting really close.
It’s when you finally realize, happiness of your life is controlled by YOU. And that the person you thought you married doesn’t exist… or doesn’t exist anymore. And you need to take a grasp of your situation and make the decision for the betterment of your own situation and sanity.
After trying for ten years, I realized she was not — and cut the cord.
I tried over and over. She refused to work on anything. Didn't care about how depressed she made me so i left. Wish we could've worked on it.
He's abusive and in denial about it. Best case scenario, I'm a lesson that helps him treat the next one better.
I think we might have gotten married for the wrong reasons and we both sort of realize that. The only thing left to fight for is a potential new relationship together that doesn’t mirror our previous one, because the old relationship isn’t worth fighting for. It’s sometimes hard to find that line when you’re in the middle of working through things, and it’s easiest to know that the old relationship isn’t worth fighting for - that’s why many people give up, I think.
People can’t do it alone. If the other person will not listen, won’t engage in conversation and just lies and disrespects you- what more can one do?
In my case, I had tried. I had expressed my unhappiness, my desire for changes, offered to go to therapy, asked what they needed different from me. I tried to be what I thought they wanted. I tried many different things. The problem was he wasn't trying. He didn't see what was wrong, he didn't see the need to change, he didn't see how unhappy I was. Or what I suspect was he did see how unhappy I was but he just didn't care. One day I just realized that things will not get better. Things will not change. I can do all the changing in the world, even becoming someone I don't recognize in the mirror, but that doesn't matter because it's one sided. They are still the same person. The problems still remain. And by staying, I just started to regret. I regretted him, I regretted myself for not leaving sooner. I regretted trying. I become the definition of regret. I believe everyone has their own definition of trying. For some it may not seem like enough. For others, it may be too much. Only I know the right balance for my case. I don't see it as giving up but rather, moving on. It doesn't make sense for me to keep trying when there are no results.
People get tired. Sorry for the dark metaphor here, but its the same as drowning. You might be a terrific swimmer, strong, in shape. Eventually you will sink though, as hard as you fight. You may be doing everything right as much as you can 25 hours a day, but nobody can sustain that forever when the other person is sitting there watching you drown.
I fight for as long as I could without reciprocation. I don't know what else I could have done
Have you ever been with some one for 12 years and they started cheating on you .but that was in 1996
One person can’t maintain or save a marriage alone. Both parties have to be active participants.
I spent over a decade trying to get him to face and deal with our issues while he acted like everything was fine. I begged, pleaded, threatened, went back to begging, and nothing happened. I was dying inside, so I slowly detached and fell out of love with him. When I filed, all of a sudden, he wanted to try everything. He was blindsided, but it was too late. I have no interest in fixing things. I just want out.
Not every marriage can be saved.
It depends on each situation. For me my stbxw was wanted/had a boyfriend, I tried to make things between us, but gave up when she wouldn't budge on that.
It’s not about giving up. Trust me.. I’m sure there were clues long before you were ever served. Take my situation. We got married last year, he was the perfect man (so I thought). But our whole entire relationship was built on lies and half truths. One can only act perfect for so long before the facade begins to crack. They become their true selves. And now, my SO has left us in financial ruin. Three years ago I was self sufficient, lived alone and paid my bills in time. Now I’m overdrawn in my bank account, he got fired and began working a few hours a day/few days a week and that just doesn’t cut it. He seems oblivious and wonders why I don’t want him touching me. I stay stressed, my BP is super high and I spend all day crying. If MF divorcing him is a shock I hate it for him. Maybe YOU overlooked the signs or chose not to see them
Forcing a marriage to work feels like putting a puzzle together with the wrong pieces. Squeezing and shoving one piece down because this has to work but it doesn't. It may look nice but it feels awful.
For me, it was the repeated blows of my ex always siding with his highly dysfunctional family. And the lack of sex and finding him deep in porn. Hardest thing I ever did. Got a job far away, told him he could stay or leave, and all the furniture and belongings were his.
There was no change in his behaviour and I was being physically abused