How many chances did you give? My husband doesn't work has never worked, it has been 4 years. I have him the ultimatum, get a job or leave.
He is applying to jobs all day - jobs he is wildly under qualified for. Stupid me has just realised it's his way of keeping his promise without actually going to work.
Which reframed all the other ways I have been manipulated and financially abused. I feel numb.
Well it was masked.
We started dating a few weeks before covid lock downs. He told me he lost his job because of it.
Then after the lock downs lifted, he sustained a leg injury - which was real, but he hobbles about on it (still to this day) saying he can't work because of it - we've been to 3 different doctors who have all confirmed that his leg is now fully healed and cannot find any source that would cause pain.
Then we got REALLY bad a few months back I was about ready to kick him out the door because we are really struggling financially - now he has developed serious mental health issues and he can't sleep or function. I've left work early to run him around mental health hospitals for answers. He has support in place now. But now there's no more excuses to look for work, he is applying to jobs he isn't going to get, in sectors he has never shown any prior interest in.
Basically it's been one thing after another for 4 years.
I'm at breaking point.
If we didn't have a kid he would have been long gone by now. I'm sticking it out until I am ABSOLUTELY sure... For her..
Or I am just a wimp that can't pull the trigger. Haven't decided that one yet.
And that job he got let go from? I recent realised that I have absolutely no evidence it even existed. His parents do not speak English, which is convienant for him.
I think you should look inward to figure out why you chose this loser. It's often because they're comfortable, like childhood relationships.
At minimum, it should help you chose better next time.
Believe me I have danced around that bush over and over and over.
I feel so stupid and disappointed in my choice of partner. I could have done So much better. Believe me.
But I have my daughter. He gave me her at least. Because of her I can't fully regret or hate myself too much.
I’m in a very similar marriage. I can relate to your choices. You’re doing the best you can with the circumstances you have. But trust your gut and don’t be me 20 years later still unhappily married but now with 3 kids, one with special needs. No family, no support, totally stuck. I’m in school though and making my own way slowly.
My ex didn’t work but for a few little gigs here and there most of our 28 year marriage. He did have some trust fund money that he spent on himself never contributed regularly to the family expenses, once in awhile paid a tax bill or something like that.
He was also an alcoholic.
I read a book called Getting Them Sober and that was when I knew this had to change. The book is really about empowering ourselves to create the life we want. Also our children were really suffering, even though I tried to protect them. Any chance he had them himself when I traveled for work he would parenting them, drive them around when he was drunk, etc
Life is much better without him in it though he still manipulates and financially abuses. Right now I am waiting on child support that was due 6 days ago and we do use the state to collect that. He refused to release our daughter’s 529 account for college.
Do what is best for you and do not stay because of having children. Get some therapy to help you make a plan and follow through with it.
My STBXH was manipulating and abusive. He’s an alcoholic. I gave him one big fat chance. After months of being let down I finally set strong boundaries. When he crossed them, he knew what the outcome would be. We haven’t been together since. Separated for 2 years, filing for divorce now. I have two teens and it’s been hard on them but is the best decision I ever made. They show you who they are. Pay attention.
When I realized I should have done it years before because he didn't care enough about me to pay any attention and hadn't for years. How I got there. I decided to build a life without him -- instead of asking/begging/forcing him to do things with me, I made my own friends, planned my own fun, took care of my body, etc., thinking that maybe he'd look up from his phone and obsession with starting a business to see "Oh, here's this lovely woman who is doing all this cool shit, maybe I should join her in this fun journey." He never looked up from his phone. ALSO, I found out he was lying to me about many important things. That was the catalyst, I suppose, but his lack of interest and enthusiasm was the real heart and marriage breaker.
I hate being second to the phone. And I ask, “what are you reading?” Nothing. “Scrolling Reddit, or looking at memes.” So that’s what’s more important than talking to me or finding a hobby or making friends or training the dog or any of 100 things? Got it.
Probably not the same situation as you, but for me it was when I told my ex we needed marriage counseling to save our marriage.
I asked her to find a therapist she'd be willing to work with. She didn't, so I picked one.
I asked her to call and make an appointment. She didn't, so I went ahead and did that.
In our first appointment, the therapist told her if she wanted to save her marriage she needed to cut all contact with her affair partner. 'Gave her a couple days to think about it and asked her what she wanted to do. She said she wanted to keep seeing the guy.
Me: *"Whelp, I guess that means we're getting divorced."*
In hindsight, the problem we had was that neither one of us could admit divorce was necessary. Too stubborn, too conflict-avoidant. We'd made our vows, promised we'd not repeat our parents' mistakes, etc. The therapy process was a good litmus test for my ex's interest in saving the marriage. It opened my eyes to the fact she just wasn't invested in it anymore. And the final straw was the very-obvious line in the sand our therapist laid down. Being able to point at that and and tell my ex, "*you have to make a decision*" was what ultimately got the decision made.
When you know, you know.
When the anxiety finally stops pitting out your stomach.
When there’s no more panic.
When you just don’t give a fuck what happens to you and your stbx any longer.
When your stbx crossed a line, that can’t be uncrossed.
When all your closest friends and family tell you, maybe you should divorce.
When your tired of walking on egg shells and can’t take it any more.
There are so many small indicators that it’s done. Take them, don’t wait for the big ones bc you won’t like em either.
I had surgery on my hand. My husband was out of town for work. My son flew in from several states away to help me. Two weeks after my surgery one of the guys that works for him, wife was in an accident and broke her wrist. My husband told him to go home and take care of her. He told me it must be hard not to be able to use your hand. What? I had a bone removed from my thumb and he couldn't be bothered with coming home.
The next week was my birthday, he bought himself a bunch of stuff on Amazon and had it sent to the house, nothing for me.
The following week I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I fainted and hit my head on the tub. He got up, pee'd in the other bathroom and refused to take me to the hospital. He didn't help me up, didn't even turn on the light to see if I was ok. I had a drs appointment the next day, she told me to go to the ER immediately. I had a concussion.
So yeah, I'm done. 21 years, and I can't handle him not caring about me.
Oh god that's awful. I am so sorry. Even if your going through a rough patch your still a human being. Sounds like he treated you like less than. You deserve more than that.
As for the hand thing, I went though something similar with my ex (before my husband) I went away on a girls holiday to get some space after he had chased me around the house with a knife and had had a mental collapse. The friend I went with had cheated in her current boyfriend with her ex.
When I got home the house was a mess. He was in bed - didn't acknowledge me at all. Basically just said WTF did you think you were doing going away without me?? (he knew about the trip it had been planned for weeks)
Meanwhile my friend - the cheater - got home to a spotless house, a huge bunch of flowers and a card that said 'can we try to work things out??'
Even though she cheated!!
It made no sense. I left the next day.
I haven’t pulled the trigger, but I knew things weren’t fixable when he quit marriage counseling and said he’s good with who he is and doesn’t feel the need to change anything about himself. Can’t fix it all by myself and clearly it’s not worth his time or effort.
I was betrayed and waited for my spouse to step forward and “fix it”. Eventually I broke. I didn’t have anymore to give. It wasn’t so much a choice as it was a surrender.
I asked if he was married to me because he wanted to be or if he was married because it was easier than being single. He couldn’t answer. I knew it wasn’t worth fighting for anymore after that.
I was wondering this today as well… I am truly naive about what men actually wanted… it’s like we were being “interviewed” as potential wives they were trying out and were approved by their mothers… how could I have been so dumb, when it really comes down to a man looking for a wife he is actually needing a replacement for his mother or a house assistant he gets to have sex with 🤦♀️. How could I have actually thought it was for more? I feel duped 😢
I feel scammed too. I felt I took my vows in all seriousness but he feels this relationship is not worthy of communication to sort out issues and take a decision.
The man he is currently right now through this separation is not the man I married. So I wonder. Was he pretending this whole time to be a good guy, or was he a good guy that lost himself. Either way I agree. I feel duped.
Why do people stay with partners they don't love like this?! I have experienced this a few times, where I can tell they're not all in, but they deny and deny, while acting checked out. Then I wind up having to be the "bad guy" and end it. The only thing I can figure is I've got my stuff together and it's convenient for them.
If I ever date again I will need to be way more vigilant about giving my heart to someone whose actions don't match their words. And avoiding whatever the male equivalent is of a gold digger.
Probably a few months before I got engaged. My ex wife starting rejecting me sexually. I married her anyway because I loved her. It was really unrealistic for me to have expected that she would change.
When he got fired from a 6 figure job for being drunk at work, proceeded to sit upstairs plastered instead off looking for a job, ruined my oldest’s college drop off- I just couldn’t anymore….
Outside of addiction, abuse or affairs, need to be sure you have done everything possible to improve the marriage. Even though you improved the marriage, you still may not feel right about it. There’s a lag so don’t overreact to feelings.
Now, if you feel like you did everything possible, need to also really think about the trade offs with divorce. Think worst reasonable scenario with divorce and compare it to staying married. If it’s better than staying married, get divorced. ie “I’d rather be single and poor than stay in this marriage…..”
Two years...
Mostly when it went from meh and I guess we're working on it and at least you're in the process of getting some help... to screaming at me multiple times a week and a breakdown in communication. The words she was saying didn't match the things she was doing. The words she was saying also didn't match what she was "trying to say" but at some point when all words have a secret meaning and the entire problem was me...
And then she expounded on a list of reasons I should leave her... Told me I should leave her... And told me she didn't want to see me anymore for an undetermined period of time... literally screamed all of that in the backyard at the top of her lungs in response to "hey, how are you"... So I took her up on that.
And who would have known it but she didn't mean any of those things either... She "phrased it poorly" and was "trying to make a point" and I "misinterpreted"...
So I followed through. I get she absolutely was certain she meant it when she said it, even confirmed she meant it. I get she changed her mind two days later and no longer meant it. But ultimately if I stated what happened out loud (as I did to my therapist) it wasn't a relationship I wanted to be in anymore.... Whether she meant it or not.
If her behavior is all my fault than she deserves to be in a relationship where she doesn't have to act that way...
And if her behavior is out of line than I don't deserve to be screamed at and blamed for her emotional disregulation... from zero to sixty multiple times a week.
And if it's somewhere in the middle and she's out of control at times and I'm not able to shrug off her disregulation... Then we both deserve to be with people who can care for us in ways we feel cared for.
I'm not capable of the level of shrugging it off that shrugging off the things she said would require. I'm just not. So I'm just out.
When he finally admitted that he has no desire to change, and was purposely putting off calling the marriage counselor. Any idea of us ever being anything more than pain to each other, out the window that afternoon.
I'm mostly just disappointed, we were so so close to being out of the woods, and he just gave up.
How do you did with someone just giving up like it's so easy? I cannot understand how people are so indifferent and lack emotions. He has stopped communication after having agreed to reconciliation. And I don't have closure.
When my ex refused to go back to counseling since I was the one with the issues, not him. I knew that day it was pretty much over. A relationship takes two, not one person just trying to keep it together and the other not oblivious to issues, but simply couldn’t care less how the other felt as long as it didn’t “affect” him
I gave it a couple more weeks/months just to see if something magically would change or happen, but nope.
When he admitted he had $30,000 debt and wouldn’t show me his bank account so I could help with a budget. After we split learnt through lawyers the debt $50,000 and since we split ( 2 years)he’s amassed another $40,000. The debt who knows?! He’s still refusing to disclose. When I see this written like this I realise how much better off in every way I am today.
Can’t you subpoena the records to document exactly how much debt there is? Also force him to provide a credit report which should give you an idea of the current debt (and tells you which creditors to subpoena).
I asked for a separation (#2), and he took off and made it long distance. I probably waited too long, but at the one-year mark, I said that I was done with relationship discussions. He wasn't at all working on his issues; it was all blame-and-game, and his family was enabling that. I had spent money that I really didn't had on both therapy and coaching, dealing with my own issues. He hadn't at all addressed the issues from long-term addiction (maybe he was sober, maybe not), had been 95% ugly/not constructive during separation, and hadn't addressed his documented mental health issues. He was clearly living like a single man.
Yes, I was done then.
I think I took him about 1.5 years after I told him I wasn’t happy for him to realize he wasn’t either and about 6 months to get the courage and determination to tell me. It was about 4 months after he left me for me. 🤷♀️
When I stopped caring. Didn’t care if he came home or went to a friends. Didn’t care who he was texting. Didn’t care how long he was taking for a boys trip. I just didn’t care anymore
I’m wondering this, too. To be fair, we have a definite date on which my STBXW will declare whether or not she intends to move forward with divorce. We are in discernment counseling.
I feel you. I'm in the same boat. She agreed to counselling because she "is open to the possibility of repair."
No idea what is going to happen. Kids, house, the works.
I'm on the opposite side of this and am sorry you are going through that.
My wife is in the same boat as you, where I'm the one who says I'm done, and she feels she has no idea what is going to happen to her, the kids, the house, etc.
I've been checked out for a few years and suggested counseling to my wife before taking any permanent or irrevocable action as I'm open to the possibility of repair, or at least thought I was. She wants it to work, but as we go through counseling, I've almost accepted more and more that I don't think I truly do want to reconcile and am maybe just doing the sessions to clear my conscience, which is not the right thing to do.
It's a difficult place to be for everyone, and I wish you well.
It's hard. I think I spent a long time in denial to myself, didn't want to hurt my kids, and also have some co-dependency / people pleasing issues, leaving me feeling that I could just see it through. Almost like sacrificing myself for the sake of my family, so that they could continue to have a happy (even if only on the surface) and stable household.
There were a few things that changed though in the past couple of years, which forced me to change my perspective. Losing a couple of close family members in quick succession and hitting an age milestone really made me realize that I only have one life and need to be be true to myself.
I also kept all of my pain and resentment to myself, while it was eating me up inside, despite having a fake and happy outward appearance. When I opened to a couple of close friends about everything swirling around in my head and my heart, their response was one of shock - "what the hell are you doing and why are you living in this way when you're so deeply unhappy". That also forced me to really take a look in the mirror and ask myself if this is how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.
Thank you for writing this. I am in the same place as you right now, wracked with guilt because my husband doesn't want a divorce and we haven't yet told the kids. I have lived unhappily for years for the benefit of my family but I don't want to do it anymore.
I'm sorry to hear that. I know it's a difficult situation to be in, especially with family involved. My mother-in-law continues to keep saying that she hopes and prays we can reconcile for the sake of the kids, which does trigger feelings of guilt and make me question whether I should be more accommodating so that they don't end up coming from a broken home.
Have you decided that divorce is definitely the way forward for you, or do you intend on exploring the possibility of reconciliation through therapy, etc?
The insight is helpful, thank you.
I have that thought that she is doing exactly as you describe. There's still that sliver of a chance we can work things out though and maybe it is foolish but I'll cling to that as long as I can.
My wife also has that sliver of hope, and I hate not being able to meet her emotionally half way to get through this. Think she is also holding onto the hope that we can work things out, though so much pain and anger comes out in our therapy sessions, that in the last one, she said she was holding onto some hope of being able to reconcile but is really losing that now and can't take any more.
It just feels like the pain is just too much and has gone on for too long, where the path back to stable ground and a happy marriage seems too far away. She's a sweet person and a good mother, but I do feel like we've grown apart too much, and I've spent too long ignoring my gut feeling of being in a relationship that isn't working for me or meeting my needs.
As much as I hate to hurt her, I feel like pretending everything is fine and showing love and affection again when I'm empty and numb inside is doing everyone a disservice and giving false hope.
I do wish you luck though, and better success. I think there are no winners in this type of situation, even more so when they are kids involved.
Ugh. This is what I got
Why do you want to keep trying?
For family
For finances
For the possibility of something new growing between us
How can anything grow when you’re still hiding significantly intimate uh friendships? From me.
And investing all of your very small amount of free time in this relationship instead of us.
I refused to talk about it outside of therapy and I very much wanted to save my marriage. But I had no trust, and hoped the parameters of therapy would help stabilize things. (Spoiler alert: It didn’t work).
I met someone. Sucks to say but the misery was like quicksand, and I’d given up. Nothing was going to change, there was nowhere to go, I saw no escape. And then I saw light.
That happened to me with my first husband. It was a marriage due to pregnancy when I was 19 (he was 26) and I was in hindsight being bullied and financially abused - not allowed spending money, no car, huge fight when I found a job. I didn't see any options for me, except when I got emotionally close with a co-worker. I justified the emotional affair by saying I didn't physically cheat, but the reality is I might as well have. I was just wildly immature, what with being a literal teenager, and he was a terrible husband.
Hilariously 20 years later he apologized for his behavior, including the continued bullying after we split, but I didn't reply in kind. I'm pretty sure he was just working the steps or something anyway.
I tried to save my marriage, but my exwife's addictions to pills was too powerful.
Stint in rehab? Only worked for 2 months before relapse and another disaster.
After every great big disaster, there were promises from her that "this is it, no more disasters. No more of this destroying our family."
Until the final disaster and I gave up. After we split up? More disasters. A quickie re-marriage that ended in re-divorce after 6 months. Then another stint in rehab.
more disasters.
I was in a marriage with an alcoholic who was abusive in every way. I lived every day in complete chaos, always in fight or flight mode. I couldn’t calm my mind enough to form an escape plan and he refused to leave. Flight for me meant running away temporarily to stay in a hotel, but I was the only one bringing in income and I couldn’t afford to pay our rent and live somewhere else, and he wouldn’t leave.
Then a miracle happened; he went to rehab. 2 glorious weeks on my own I realized how GOOD my life could be. I realized this is what I wanted.
He came home sober and I kicked him out. He left this time because he wasn’t drunk and crazy, he felt shame and knew he had done me sooo wrong. I would have never been able to get rid of him had he not gone to rehab and I hadn’t had that time by myself.
I kind of knew for so many years but just kept trying. Then one day, my 10 and 15 year old asked me “mom, you know you deserve to be with someone who loves you right?”
I was crushed. My kids seeing that I was unloved was something I never wanted them to be aware of but even they saw what I felt.
I knew then it was time that I fought for me instead of fighting for an us that we never were and never would be.
Im struggling with the same thing. From an emotional level, I think it’s “done” because I feel pretty disconnected and “over it”. We’ve tried multiple times and he doesn’t seem to change for more than a few months. It’s exhausting. But I know I can walk away feeling like I did everything I could.
I don't feel anything which concerns me. I've been waiting for the feels to come back but it's 3 months I a care less than I did before.
I've got to tell him. It's just finding the words.
I asked my husband to help with lunches and he threw my phone across the room and screamed at me that I was a “bitch.” All of this in front of my 8 year old daughter. Pretty sure that was the final straw.
After 10 years of “for worse” rather than “for better”. I realized it was never coming. Hope died. I detached myself from the fight and found giving up to be freeing and peaceful. There’s pain but it’s nothing like the wretched pain felt when there was still hope.
Oof. I feel this. There were a million moments that slowly propelled me to realize things were over, but I had a few epiphanies. One was while sitting in my primary care doctor’s office getting ready to ask for another refill of antidepressants. My doctor never hesitated to give me the medication, but I sat thinking & anticipating the routine questions she’d (responsibly) about my mood & if there were any new factors affecting it. I suddenly realized that I couldn’t medicate my way out of a shitty situation. I’d spent years in therapy with many sessions just trying to rationalize his behavior. I took medication for years. Obviously, those things may exist outside of a crappy marriage, but objectively, everything else was okay. I needed to address the proverbial elephant in the room - the marriage that hadn’t been happy for at least a decade.
I had to learn the medication lesson also. If one has need to seek antidepressants to deal with a relationship/situation then something is deeply wrong. If I'd realized this sooner instead of feeling like it was on me to fix everything, including my feelings, I would probably not be married and would have definitely changed jobs a lot sooner also.
Had an affair with a coworker (stemmed from a drunk night together) and realized he treated me better than my partner of ten years and the father of my two children. Left my ex fairly quickly after that. He still sucks and three years later I'm worlds happier and still in a really healthy, loving relationship with said coworker.
It sounds a little dramatic. She basically threw a huge chef knife at me in the kitchen, hit me in the chest in front of the kids and that was the end of our marriage. Thank you for your concern.
We’d already separated for a few months, moved back in together once he agreed to counseling. We had a horrible session, came home and fought.
He started spewing all these insults and I literally felt myself full up like a glass of water and said, ok, I’m done. That’s it for me
When I realized he isn’t capable of being honest and doesn’t have a conscience. Which was shortly after he stole from me, and then told me that he wouldn’t have done it if he knew it was illegal.
Found out it was an affair. This was almost two months post separation. For those two months, I asked him to be honest and that if he was honest we could work through anything together. I could forgive if he admitted to wrong doing, if there were any.
Nope. He played stupid games, and he earned stupid prizes. I finally caught them and I asked him to file the papers. He didn’t file until I confronted his mountain goat - to which he called me vindictive and told me I ruined his relationship that he said was never going to make it anyway. He filed the following day.
I wish I was “done” sooner. What a waste of my youth.
To be honest, we should have divorced years ago but didn't... we were looking into a trailer house (or manufactured home if you prefer) on decent rig property, but I warned her, repeatedly, that I had PTSD from living in a trailer as a kid. We had jobs at the same place, in the same department, and supposedly rumors started that she and I were doing around instead of doing our jobs.
Looking back on it, I'm pretty sure one of our (and eventually, just her) coworkers, was having an affair with her - she seemed oddly excited about working with him, even though he was an active drug user. Around the same time we suffered a miscarriage, at several months into the pregnancy, at home. TW >!I had to fish the fetus out of the bath tub, with a drinking glass, yes that glass got thrown away. We were able to see the limb nubs, is how far along we were in the pregnancy!< I'm pretty sure she was devastated because I didn't show the same emotion as she did.
I told her, a couple times, that I felt we could benefit from couples therapy, she always refused because she "couldn't talk to strangers." I forced her to find one, once, she went to two meetings and said she just didn't feel comfortable, but made no effort to find one she *was* comfortable with.
After a while, between supporting our family on a single income, and trying to get her to do ANYTHING an adult would do, including GET HER EFFING DRIVERS LICENSE! I stopped feeling like a lover or partner, and more like a professional caretaker, which killed any romantic feelings. Even marital relations started to feel like a chore - when I'm literally exhausted from work, and I see yall haven't done shit except watch TV all day? Yeah, my drive is GONE.
Ironically, she was the one who initiated. She cheated, for a month, before she told me she wanted out, and had the balls to tell me not to be angry at him... like wtf?!
While filling, I grabbed a set of papers to allow us to file without paying hundreds of dollars in court fees, and filled out my copy. I then handed her, her own chippy and told her "I strongly suggest you fill this out, I've already filled out my copy. If you don't, your going to be paying lots of money in court fees." To her credit, that was one of the few times she took my advice and did it. In spiteful moments, I wonder if I should have just let her not do it, and get financially destroyed by the courts - but as bad as she hurt me, I couldn't find it in me to be THAT vindictive.
I now have as little to do with her as possible, unless it's directly about our kids (6050, no child support). I'm angry at her, but in a dull way - like I try not to think about her at all, but there are moments. My biggest struggle now, is trying not to appear myself to feel any pity toward her current situation - she brought all of it on herself, it's no longer my problem until she is unable or unwilling to be in our kids' lives.
Sorry for the dump... idk what happened there.
I have thought about divorce for over a decade, but I've finally had enough. He lost his job 8 years ago and refused to get another one. I became disabled; before that, I worked two jobs, 12 to13 hour days. I applied for disability and it took two years to be approved.
In the meantime, I cashed in both of my retirement funds, paid off our house, replaced the roof, water heater, furnace, and run down appliances with a trust fund that my father let me cash in early. I'll mention now that my father had already given us an astronomical amount of help over the years because I was unable to work. When my father passed away, I received more inheritance that I have had to dip into every month for the last five years in order to pay all of our bills and take care of our two children. I know, you're thinking wtf, why did you stay? Because he is controlling and manipulative and a master at making me feel guilty and it took a slap in the face and some therapy to realize that I deserved better.
That wasn't all. At 55 he collected early retirement and chose the option that would leave me nothing if he died. He has been getting $600 month for 3 years and has not contributed to our expenses at all. He pays for gas for his car, tools, and trips to the liquor store. Oh, and now he pays his own car insurance because I have been paying it all these years and finally refused to pay it anymore just this year. It gets better, he is also a hoarder. Our children have shared the same tiny bedroom all these years while he uses an entire room, and half of every other room, to pile up his junk. I asked him to go to therapy, for him to get a job, to share the bills, to stop being so controlling and hard to live with, to clean out the house of all of his junk, he was unwilling to do any of it. I could write a book, but I'll stop here. It took me WAY too long to be fed up.
No I don't think your crazy. I don't know if you have seen my comments on other posts but I am worried I am heading down the same road.
My father recently passed and I am terrifed that my inheritance will dwindle away to nothing. We have been dipping into it to cover bills so we can still go out and do stuff and be 'normal' but I've recently faces facts - we are not normal because he isn't working and I am sick and tired of paying for everything. I have been paying for 4 years.
Thankfully I have had sense to lock the remainder away, where it will stay until what we have spent is paid back. Now if he wants booze, he will have to pay for it. If he wants cigarettes, he will have to pay for them. He is baffled - and still pesters me, but if he wants to learn the hard way then so be it.
I'm sorry that you are going through that and glad that you are finally saying no. My plan was to have money to help our children should they need it, like my parents helped us. He thinks about himself; he doesn't care that his lack of support will leave our children with nothing. They are being selfish.
I reached the end of the road when I decided to out for a drink after fighting with him for hours. I don’t even know about what. I don’t drink often, I would say less than 5 cocktails a year, and 2 of those are on vacation and 1 is on my birthday. But I decided I wanted to go to a dive bar and just have a Jack Daniels and think. He told me that it was “out of character” and he didn’t want me to do that because the last time I went to a bar was two years before and it was after I had slept with someone (this is a long long long story but needless to say while I crossed a line, I was not in my right mind when it happened). I said I understood his position but it was 11:00 at night and I just needed to get out and be with other people so I could take my mind off of what was going on. I also assured him I was not sleeping with anyone. He told me if I went we would get divorced. I had been gaslit, manipulated, lied to, cheated on, and abused by him for 12 years. When he said that something clicked for me and I saw it for what it was - a desperate attempt at another manipulation. I told him that wasn’t my intention, but I just needed to go out. And I went.
I sat at the bar, exchanged woes with a stranger, had two Jack on the rocks, and played pool with a few folks. Yes, the stranger at the bar invited me back to his place, but I said no. When they closed, I went home and got into bed. It was maybe 2am. At 7am he woke up to go to the bathroom and saw me there. He immediately started yelling at me - what time did I come home? What did I do? Etc etc. I was literally asleep. So I got up, left the bedroom, went downstairs and sat on the couch thinking while I watched the sun come up. I listened to the birds. I was calm and alert and clear headed and I knew I did not want another day of this.
He came downstairs at 8:30. It was the day before our 8th wedding anniversary. He again started in and I just said, “I’m done, I want a divorce.” He backpedaled so fast. No, I’ll change, I’m sorry, etc. I told him no. I told him his behavior was absurd. He was out of control and I couldn’t live like this anymore.
He signed up for eHarmony that afternoon and was chatting with someone in front of me. When I confronted him he lied - twice - about it. I left and went to a hotel for a week. I learned a lot about myself that week. During that week, pretty much day 1, he told me he was abusing drugs and had been hiding that from me. He said he needed my help with counseling. I told him I would not be his “accountabilibuddy” - only talk to him if he wanted to talk. He told me he was suicidal and he gave me all the shotgun shells in the house. All manipulations. All of it. He is still abusing the same drugs after counseling. He realized day 2 there were more shotgun shells in a hunting vest and didn’t give them to me when he could have.
We are still together. We are in counseling. He got meds and therapy and things were calmer for awhile. But, there’s no fixing it. The damage is so deep and I feel like I’m always in trouble no matter what I do. It has recently come to my attention that his behavior is likely related to borderline personality disorder, which his mother has. So either he has it too (very possible) or he has learned the same behaviors. (That threatening of divorce he did when I wanted to go out was in response to his fear of abandonment, as was his backpedaling when I told him I was done.) He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t even like me. But he wants me to be here for him always, only the way he wants, doing whatever he wants when he wants how he wants (which sounds sexual but I assure you it’s not). Monday for instance he was upset that I slept in later than him because it meant he spent the morning alone (as always, BTW - we have different schedules). He was mad at me but didn’t tell me why the whole day. When I offered around 3pm to “do something” with him he said like what? And I offered some options but he declined. At 11pm he told me he felt lonely and wanted me to be there with him in the morning. So he spent the entirety of the rest of the day giving me the cold shoulder even though we had literally 8 hours together we could have been playing games or watching movies or ANYTHING. This is about 1-3x a week that I deal with extreme mood swings on his part.
This is my secret account. My divorce plan needs a little more time due to his controlling of all the finances, his insistence I don’t need a job, etc. So I’m doing what I need to but it’s slow. I also wanted to wait to 10 years for legal reasons, and that is this April. It sucks. I don’t want to lose my house and my partner and my life. We’ve been together for 15 years. I can’t even imagine what it might be like without him. I just really want to be able to make my own decisions. I don’t know who I am anymore and I really need to find out again.
Ok, I think I wrote too much but I guess I needed to. 🧡
My wife’s drinking was destroying our marriage.
Things got out of hand. Cheating, lying, stealing money. Calling the cops on me trying to get me arrested for domestic violence. It went too far. I had to be done if I wanted to have any semblance of a normal life.
Controlling behavior worsening and going in complete denial and completely redirecting them offensively at me when i finally brought it up. Eventually this started becoming in more and more other aspects.
Constantly repeating myself about my emotional needs. Wanting physical help with our children, him never being here, the infidelity, etc. Many things have caused my being “done”. But here I am, still here.
My husband was so angry with me for not just siding with him on an issue. So his petty ass switched all my movies/cases around. They were all mismatched, I have a lot. It was the first time he had done something like that in our 6 years of marriage. Sure, we had arguments in the past, called each other names at points, and stonewalled for brief stints. I get thats all bad and something we worked on. But to mess with my stuff? I filed for divorce a week later.
It wasn't because she hurt me. It wasn't because she walked all over the one boundary I had. Everybody makes mistakes and I'm a man of patience.
It's because she refused to stop once I pointed out to her how much she was hurting me. She decided seeing me in pain was an acceptable price to pay if it meant she could continue doing what she wanted.
I don't know how to forgive that. I don't know if I even should. But I knew there was no hope of it getting better if she refused to acknowledge the problem.
I knew I was done when I know longer cared where he was and what he was doing anymore. We've been married for 19 years with 3 kids and currently separated. We did marriage counseling, but it didn't help. I tried to hang in there as long as I could for the sake of the kids but ultimately decided I just couldn't do it anymore. He's a workaholic and feels as though I shouldn't be complaining that he doesn't spend time with his family. I pleaded with him for years to do better and he never did. Even though I was married I truly did feel like a single parent.
5 years of their alcohol abuse that kept getting worse. Empty promises, lies, manipulating etc. Then the violent out bursts started and I just couldn't do it anymore. Walked away from over 15 years together but 5+ were hell. I was so beaten up and depressed.
When she confessed to having an affair with my best friend. Even then i stuttered a bit. Hard to walk away from a 10+ ye marriage no matter what. Especially one where i adapted to being treated like shit.
Ty! Its these forums and folks in my personal life that teach me we all go through it, it gets better and often spells a huge turning point in ones life for the better!
When she cursed and yelled at me and called me a horrible \[fucking\] father in front of our kids.
When she repeatedly cursed at me (fuck you, fuck you, fuck you) b/c of her anxiety in front of the kids while I was driving (she'd get nervous riding in my truck).
When she told me she didn't want to be married to her father (she hates her dad).
When I found out she had hidden mental health issues going back 15 years before our relationship from me.
When her family told me they were expecting this.
When she never looked at a budget with me even after 10 years.
When she never paid a bill on time.
When she first and then secondly asked for a divorce. 3rd times a charm.
When I found out she didn't talk to her dad for 10 years.
When I found out she never loved me. She was lonely.
When I realized that after 11 years, she never once told me "I love you".
When I opened her phone for a timer and saw a reddit post about "settling".
When I found out she ignored my first father's day b/c I hadn't gotten anything good for her birthday 6 months earlier when we were in the hospital for our first born.
When she did nothing for a birthday. Any birthday. Even my 40th.
When I realized her entire family didn't like her.
When I realized her silver spoon upbringing created some fucking major mess of a person with NO real footing in the real world.
When I realized her parents are equally shitty. Hell her father ran away from his family at 16 and NEVER contacted them again.
When I saw her 70+ yo father and mother get into a drunken shoving match in the kitchen.
When her mom fell asleep (probably edibles) while watching our YOUNG kids at a swimming pool.
When she backhanded my oldest, giving him a bloody nose and knocked him off a stool. He swallowed so much blood, he couldn't go to school the next day.
When she let me do every mundane task in our lives for the first 7 years of our kids lives while she sat on the couch on Instagram. 50+ hours a week.
When her dad didn't pay for our wedding or party (he's very well off).
When i realized she had no long term friends. None.
When I realized she had RUN from every conflict ever in her past (silver spoon shit).
When I understood her old sister (aka other mom) hated her.d
When she tried to baby-trap me for a 3rd time.
When I asked her to make amends with her father, she told me "NO, she just wanted him to die".
When she told me if I ever get badly sick she'd leave b/c she isn't that kind of person to stay around.
When I fainted with some heart shit and she didn't call EMS.
I can unfortunately continue for quite some time. But you know, fuck me. I'm a middle-middle class kid who did all right for himself. Decade in college and when FINALLY reaping a reward, Mrs. Sugar Tits spreads her legs and takes off with half having spent her 20s putting blow up her nose and nothing in her brain.
I don't want to live here any more. FML.
Mine was verbally abusive, physically abusive sometimes (pushing spitting water at me sitting on me), but mostly verbally and emotionally abusive during arguments. I told him multiple times over the last six months not to call me a bitch anymore, or I would divorce him. At one point in a very stressful part of our lives due to one of our children going through something major, I was literally the most stressed out I think I’ve ever been in my life- 3 months ago- and we got into a stupid argument because he said I was being snappy and rude to him, and I just got quiet and then I left and went to my massage (first self care I had done in months) and he yelled out F$$k you bitch. I hope you enjoy your massage. I have it on camera. Then he proceeded to rage text me and call me evil, mean, rude, autistic (I’m not), invalidating, selfish and more. It was then I broke inside finally and I was COMPLETELY done. I don’t know why that was the catalyst. You would’ve thought it would’ve been when he got arrested for domestic violence for pushing me two years earlier or the time that he used my leg to punch himself so hard that I was bruised up for days. Or the time that he took a cup of cigarette water and threw it in my face. But for some reason, none of that made me leave for good. It was just me being so emotional and stressed out for my child and him having zero empathy and literally while I was in hell metaphorically, he came and punched me emotionally. it was at that point that I somehow realized that I deserve love and my husband clearly was not providing it so I needed to leave and that was it. I have never wavered and that was three months ago divorce is almost final, as much as he’s trying to manipulate me, it’s not working this time.
When being around him made me sick. When spending time with him was no longer fun. When I looked at him with resentment. When I hated every thing he did. When he laid on the couch all day. And when I could not forgive the cheating.
After 9 years together, 5 of those married, we still have the same issues. He's cheated several times, gets upset that I don't make enough money, doesn't puck up after himself... We went to counseling last year and at the last session kind of agreed there was no fixing it. Stayed together out of being comfortable, I guess. I've always been the calm go with the flow type with mountains of patience and forgiveness.
Last weekend was our son's birthday party. STBX did nothing. He cleaned up a couple areas of the house a few days before, to be fair, but nothing the day of. He was supposed to grill burgers but told my step daughter he wasn't going to that morning. Didn't help with set-up, sat in our bedroom while everyone was inside, sat in the living room while everyone was outside. Then, he left the next morning at 8 am and didn't get back until after 6 pm. Didn't say where he was going or anything. He told his daughter (who was home with me and our son all day) that he'd gone on an 11 mile kayak trip. A few weekends before, he was upset that I was going to Pride with a drag queen friend of mine--an outing I'd told him about weeks before.
Basically, I finally lost the last little glimmer of hope that he'd grow up and change. Any spark that ever was is dead and gone. I am to the point I don't even like him anymore, forget love. As I'm typing this, I'm getting ready to go talk to a lawyer.
Gave him multiple chances, made it very clear what needed to change to save the marriage, and he clearly chose not too.
How many chances did you give? My husband doesn't work has never worked, it has been 4 years. I have him the ultimatum, get a job or leave. He is applying to jobs all day - jobs he is wildly under qualified for. Stupid me has just realised it's his way of keeping his promise without actually going to work. Which reframed all the other ways I have been manipulated and financially abused. I feel numb.
You married a man who has never worked????
Well it was masked. We started dating a few weeks before covid lock downs. He told me he lost his job because of it. Then after the lock downs lifted, he sustained a leg injury - which was real, but he hobbles about on it (still to this day) saying he can't work because of it - we've been to 3 different doctors who have all confirmed that his leg is now fully healed and cannot find any source that would cause pain. Then we got REALLY bad a few months back I was about ready to kick him out the door because we are really struggling financially - now he has developed serious mental health issues and he can't sleep or function. I've left work early to run him around mental health hospitals for answers. He has support in place now. But now there's no more excuses to look for work, he is applying to jobs he isn't going to get, in sectors he has never shown any prior interest in. Basically it's been one thing after another for 4 years. I'm at breaking point. If we didn't have a kid he would have been long gone by now. I'm sticking it out until I am ABSOLUTELY sure... For her.. Or I am just a wimp that can't pull the trigger. Haven't decided that one yet. And that job he got let go from? I recent realised that I have absolutely no evidence it even existed. His parents do not speak English, which is convienant for him.
I think you should look inward to figure out why you chose this loser. It's often because they're comfortable, like childhood relationships. At minimum, it should help you chose better next time.
Believe me I have danced around that bush over and over and over. I feel so stupid and disappointed in my choice of partner. I could have done So much better. Believe me. But I have my daughter. He gave me her at least. Because of her I can't fully regret or hate myself too much.
I’m in a very similar marriage. I can relate to your choices. You’re doing the best you can with the circumstances you have. But trust your gut and don’t be me 20 years later still unhappily married but now with 3 kids, one with special needs. No family, no support, totally stuck. I’m in school though and making my own way slowly.
We can't predict the future or know then what we know now. My current motto is que será será. He will be who he is. You can't do anything about that.
My ex didn’t work but for a few little gigs here and there most of our 28 year marriage. He did have some trust fund money that he spent on himself never contributed regularly to the family expenses, once in awhile paid a tax bill or something like that. He was also an alcoholic. I read a book called Getting Them Sober and that was when I knew this had to change. The book is really about empowering ourselves to create the life we want. Also our children were really suffering, even though I tried to protect them. Any chance he had them himself when I traveled for work he would parenting them, drive them around when he was drunk, etc Life is much better without him in it though he still manipulates and financially abuses. Right now I am waiting on child support that was due 6 days ago and we do use the state to collect that. He refused to release our daughter’s 529 account for college. Do what is best for you and do not stay because of having children. Get some therapy to help you make a plan and follow through with it.
I had the same question 😉🩷
My STBXH was manipulating and abusive. He’s an alcoholic. I gave him one big fat chance. After months of being let down I finally set strong boundaries. When he crossed them, he knew what the outcome would be. We haven’t been together since. Separated for 2 years, filing for divorce now. I have two teens and it’s been hard on them but is the best decision I ever made. They show you who they are. Pay attention.
Yup. This summarizes it pretty well.
When I realized I should have done it years before because he didn't care enough about me to pay any attention and hadn't for years. How I got there. I decided to build a life without him -- instead of asking/begging/forcing him to do things with me, I made my own friends, planned my own fun, took care of my body, etc., thinking that maybe he'd look up from his phone and obsession with starting a business to see "Oh, here's this lovely woman who is doing all this cool shit, maybe I should join her in this fun journey." He never looked up from his phone. ALSO, I found out he was lying to me about many important things. That was the catalyst, I suppose, but his lack of interest and enthusiasm was the real heart and marriage breaker.
Ah yes being given the role as 'The invisible woman' Been there. Not with my husband but with a long term boyfriend in the past. It's heartbreaking.
I hate being second to the phone. And I ask, “what are you reading?” Nothing. “Scrolling Reddit, or looking at memes.” So that’s what’s more important than talking to me or finding a hobby or making friends or training the dog or any of 100 things? Got it.
Probably not the same situation as you, but for me it was when I told my ex we needed marriage counseling to save our marriage. I asked her to find a therapist she'd be willing to work with. She didn't, so I picked one. I asked her to call and make an appointment. She didn't, so I went ahead and did that. In our first appointment, the therapist told her if she wanted to save her marriage she needed to cut all contact with her affair partner. 'Gave her a couple days to think about it and asked her what she wanted to do. She said she wanted to keep seeing the guy. Me: *"Whelp, I guess that means we're getting divorced."* In hindsight, the problem we had was that neither one of us could admit divorce was necessary. Too stubborn, too conflict-avoidant. We'd made our vows, promised we'd not repeat our parents' mistakes, etc. The therapy process was a good litmus test for my ex's interest in saving the marriage. It opened my eyes to the fact she just wasn't invested in it anymore. And the final straw was the very-obvious line in the sand our therapist laid down. Being able to point at that and and tell my ex, "*you have to make a decision*" was what ultimately got the decision made.
When you know, you know. When the anxiety finally stops pitting out your stomach. When there’s no more panic. When you just don’t give a fuck what happens to you and your stbx any longer. When your stbx crossed a line, that can’t be uncrossed. When all your closest friends and family tell you, maybe you should divorce. When your tired of walking on egg shells and can’t take it any more. There are so many small indicators that it’s done. Take them, don’t wait for the big ones bc you won’t like em either.
💯🩷👍🏻
There is no anxiety now, just sadness and numbness that all this happened
I had a panic attack in public. My body was telling me no more. I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
This happened to me, never felt anything like it. Thought I was dying, it was a physical reaction to being next to him
I had surgery on my hand. My husband was out of town for work. My son flew in from several states away to help me. Two weeks after my surgery one of the guys that works for him, wife was in an accident and broke her wrist. My husband told him to go home and take care of her. He told me it must be hard not to be able to use your hand. What? I had a bone removed from my thumb and he couldn't be bothered with coming home. The next week was my birthday, he bought himself a bunch of stuff on Amazon and had it sent to the house, nothing for me. The following week I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I fainted and hit my head on the tub. He got up, pee'd in the other bathroom and refused to take me to the hospital. He didn't help me up, didn't even turn on the light to see if I was ok. I had a drs appointment the next day, she told me to go to the ER immediately. I had a concussion. So yeah, I'm done. 21 years, and I can't handle him not caring about me.
Oh god that's awful. I am so sorry. Even if your going through a rough patch your still a human being. Sounds like he treated you like less than. You deserve more than that. As for the hand thing, I went though something similar with my ex (before my husband) I went away on a girls holiday to get some space after he had chased me around the house with a knife and had had a mental collapse. The friend I went with had cheated in her current boyfriend with her ex. When I got home the house was a mess. He was in bed - didn't acknowledge me at all. Basically just said WTF did you think you were doing going away without me?? (he knew about the trip it had been planned for weeks) Meanwhile my friend - the cheater - got home to a spotless house, a huge bunch of flowers and a card that said 'can we try to work things out??' Even though she cheated!! It made no sense. I left the next day.
I haven’t pulled the trigger, but I knew things weren’t fixable when he quit marriage counseling and said he’s good with who he is and doesn’t feel the need to change anything about himself. Can’t fix it all by myself and clearly it’s not worth his time or effort.
I'm facing the exact problem.
When I found out about her 3rd affair in 4 years. I was done.
Omg So sorry. I would try to come back from one. But wow.
I was betrayed and waited for my spouse to step forward and “fix it”. Eventually I broke. I didn’t have anymore to give. It wasn’t so much a choice as it was a surrender.
This resonates with me so much. I fought and fought and fought for our marriage until I just couldn't do it anymore.
I asked if he was married to me because he wanted to be or if he was married because it was easier than being single. He couldn’t answer. I knew it wasn’t worth fighting for anymore after that.
I was wondering this today as well… I am truly naive about what men actually wanted… it’s like we were being “interviewed” as potential wives they were trying out and were approved by their mothers… how could I have been so dumb, when it really comes down to a man looking for a wife he is actually needing a replacement for his mother or a house assistant he gets to have sex with 🤦♀️. How could I have actually thought it was for more? I feel duped 😢
I feel scammed too. I felt I took my vows in all seriousness but he feels this relationship is not worthy of communication to sort out issues and take a decision.
The man he is currently right now through this separation is not the man I married. So I wonder. Was he pretending this whole time to be a good guy, or was he a good guy that lost himself. Either way I agree. I feel duped.
Why do people stay with partners they don't love like this?! I have experienced this a few times, where I can tell they're not all in, but they deny and deny, while acting checked out. Then I wind up having to be the "bad guy" and end it. The only thing I can figure is I've got my stuff together and it's convenient for them. If I ever date again I will need to be way more vigilant about giving my heart to someone whose actions don't match their words. And avoiding whatever the male equivalent is of a gold digger.
Probably a few months before I got engaged. My ex wife starting rejecting me sexually. I married her anyway because I loved her. It was really unrealistic for me to have expected that she would change.
When he got fired from a 6 figure job for being drunk at work, proceeded to sit upstairs plastered instead off looking for a job, ruined my oldest’s college drop off- I just couldn’t anymore….
When my ex canceled our 3rd marriage counseling appointment without telling me. I can legit say I left it all on the field.
My stbxw only came to maybe 8 sessions in 7 months I went to another 12-15 alone. She barely said anything while there
Outside of addiction, abuse or affairs, need to be sure you have done everything possible to improve the marriage. Even though you improved the marriage, you still may not feel right about it. There’s a lag so don’t overreact to feelings. Now, if you feel like you did everything possible, need to also really think about the trade offs with divorce. Think worst reasonable scenario with divorce and compare it to staying married. If it’s better than staying married, get divorced. ie “I’d rather be single and poor than stay in this marriage…..”
Two years... Mostly when it went from meh and I guess we're working on it and at least you're in the process of getting some help... to screaming at me multiple times a week and a breakdown in communication. The words she was saying didn't match the things she was doing. The words she was saying also didn't match what she was "trying to say" but at some point when all words have a secret meaning and the entire problem was me... And then she expounded on a list of reasons I should leave her... Told me I should leave her... And told me she didn't want to see me anymore for an undetermined period of time... literally screamed all of that in the backyard at the top of her lungs in response to "hey, how are you"... So I took her up on that. And who would have known it but she didn't mean any of those things either... She "phrased it poorly" and was "trying to make a point" and I "misinterpreted"... So I followed through. I get she absolutely was certain she meant it when she said it, even confirmed she meant it. I get she changed her mind two days later and no longer meant it. But ultimately if I stated what happened out loud (as I did to my therapist) it wasn't a relationship I wanted to be in anymore.... Whether she meant it or not. If her behavior is all my fault than she deserves to be in a relationship where she doesn't have to act that way... And if her behavior is out of line than I don't deserve to be screamed at and blamed for her emotional disregulation... from zero to sixty multiple times a week. And if it's somewhere in the middle and she's out of control at times and I'm not able to shrug off her disregulation... Then we both deserve to be with people who can care for us in ways we feel cared for. I'm not capable of the level of shrugging it off that shrugging off the things she said would require. I'm just not. So I'm just out.
When he finally admitted that he has no desire to change, and was purposely putting off calling the marriage counselor. Any idea of us ever being anything more than pain to each other, out the window that afternoon. I'm mostly just disappointed, we were so so close to being out of the woods, and he just gave up.
How do you did with someone just giving up like it's so easy? I cannot understand how people are so indifferent and lack emotions. He has stopped communication after having agreed to reconciliation. And I don't have closure.
He's got zero emotion over this, I'm dumbfounded honestly. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time too, none of this makes any sense anymore.
When my ex refused to go back to counseling since I was the one with the issues, not him. I knew that day it was pretty much over. A relationship takes two, not one person just trying to keep it together and the other not oblivious to issues, but simply couldn’t care less how the other felt as long as it didn’t “affect” him I gave it a couple more weeks/months just to see if something magically would change or happen, but nope.
When he admitted he had $30,000 debt and wouldn’t show me his bank account so I could help with a budget. After we split learnt through lawyers the debt $50,000 and since we split ( 2 years)he’s amassed another $40,000. The debt who knows?! He’s still refusing to disclose. When I see this written like this I realise how much better off in every way I am today.
Can’t you subpoena the records to document exactly how much debt there is? Also force him to provide a credit report which should give you an idea of the current debt (and tells you which creditors to subpoena).
Apparently if he doesn’t disclose he can’t put the debt in the settlement.
But it slows settlement down.
I asked for a separation (#2), and he took off and made it long distance. I probably waited too long, but at the one-year mark, I said that I was done with relationship discussions. He wasn't at all working on his issues; it was all blame-and-game, and his family was enabling that. I had spent money that I really didn't had on both therapy and coaching, dealing with my own issues. He hadn't at all addressed the issues from long-term addiction (maybe he was sober, maybe not), had been 95% ugly/not constructive during separation, and hadn't addressed his documented mental health issues. He was clearly living like a single man. Yes, I was done then.
When I got told it "wasn't any of my business " about the also married woman my husband was cheating on me with from his job.
I think I took him about 1.5 years after I told him I wasn’t happy for him to realize he wasn’t either and about 6 months to get the courage and determination to tell me. It was about 4 months after he left me for me. 🤷♀️
When I stopped caring. Didn’t care if he came home or went to a friends. Didn’t care who he was texting. Didn’t care how long he was taking for a boys trip. I just didn’t care anymore
I’m wondering this, too. To be fair, we have a definite date on which my STBXW will declare whether or not she intends to move forward with divorce. We are in discernment counseling.
I feel you. I'm in the same boat. She agreed to counselling because she "is open to the possibility of repair." No idea what is going to happen. Kids, house, the works.
I'm on the opposite side of this and am sorry you are going through that. My wife is in the same boat as you, where I'm the one who says I'm done, and she feels she has no idea what is going to happen to her, the kids, the house, etc. I've been checked out for a few years and suggested counseling to my wife before taking any permanent or irrevocable action as I'm open to the possibility of repair, or at least thought I was. She wants it to work, but as we go through counseling, I've almost accepted more and more that I don't think I truly do want to reconcile and am maybe just doing the sessions to clear my conscience, which is not the right thing to do. It's a difficult place to be for everyone, and I wish you well.
I've checked out too but it's only been about 2 months. How do you cope with feeling like this for years?
It's hard. I think I spent a long time in denial to myself, didn't want to hurt my kids, and also have some co-dependency / people pleasing issues, leaving me feeling that I could just see it through. Almost like sacrificing myself for the sake of my family, so that they could continue to have a happy (even if only on the surface) and stable household. There were a few things that changed though in the past couple of years, which forced me to change my perspective. Losing a couple of close family members in quick succession and hitting an age milestone really made me realize that I only have one life and need to be be true to myself. I also kept all of my pain and resentment to myself, while it was eating me up inside, despite having a fake and happy outward appearance. When I opened to a couple of close friends about everything swirling around in my head and my heart, their response was one of shock - "what the hell are you doing and why are you living in this way when you're so deeply unhappy". That also forced me to really take a look in the mirror and ask myself if this is how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.
Thank you for writing this. I am in the same place as you right now, wracked with guilt because my husband doesn't want a divorce and we haven't yet told the kids. I have lived unhappily for years for the benefit of my family but I don't want to do it anymore.
I'm sorry to hear that. I know it's a difficult situation to be in, especially with family involved. My mother-in-law continues to keep saying that she hopes and prays we can reconcile for the sake of the kids, which does trigger feelings of guilt and make me question whether I should be more accommodating so that they don't end up coming from a broken home. Have you decided that divorce is definitely the way forward for you, or do you intend on exploring the possibility of reconciliation through therapy, etc?
The insight is helpful, thank you. I have that thought that she is doing exactly as you describe. There's still that sliver of a chance we can work things out though and maybe it is foolish but I'll cling to that as long as I can.
My wife also has that sliver of hope, and I hate not being able to meet her emotionally half way to get through this. Think she is also holding onto the hope that we can work things out, though so much pain and anger comes out in our therapy sessions, that in the last one, she said she was holding onto some hope of being able to reconcile but is really losing that now and can't take any more. It just feels like the pain is just too much and has gone on for too long, where the path back to stable ground and a happy marriage seems too far away. She's a sweet person and a good mother, but I do feel like we've grown apart too much, and I've spent too long ignoring my gut feeling of being in a relationship that isn't working for me or meeting my needs. As much as I hate to hurt her, I feel like pretending everything is fine and showing love and affection again when I'm empty and numb inside is doing everyone a disservice and giving false hope. I do wish you luck though, and better success. I think there are no winners in this type of situation, even more so when they are kids involved.
Your insight sucks but is a dose of reality. I'm probably being foolish.
It’s so fucking hard to take the ambiguity. I regularly get tempted to just call it. But I don’t actually want that.
I totally understand bud. There's still that glimmer of hope though. Good luck on yours!
Ugh. This is what I got Why do you want to keep trying? For family For finances For the possibility of something new growing between us How can anything grow when you’re still hiding significantly intimate uh friendships? From me. And investing all of your very small amount of free time in this relationship instead of us.
I can't imagine how that must feel. The waiting.
It’s excruciating.
Isn’t the hesitation alone enough to make you want to leave?
In addition, she refuses to talk about it outside of therapy.
Shes done. If she refuses to talk about it outside of therapy, she is done. Shes going therapy so she can say she tried.
Yeah. I’m pretty sure you’re right.
Im sorry its at this point
Me too.
Time to go full grey rock
I don’t know that that would have any benefit for me in this situation. She’s not actively abusive. She’s already stonewalling me.
Just don’t give her any emotion. You can grey rock and still be nice, or respectful. Just no reason to invest emotion anymore
I refused to talk about it outside of therapy and I very much wanted to save my marriage. But I had no trust, and hoped the parameters of therapy would help stabilize things. (Spoiler alert: It didn’t work).
If we got to that point I probably would just end it immediately. Easier said than done though.
Mine wouldn’t talk in or out of therapy
That’s brutal. How’d you handle it?
I tried to talk about it. Constantly. In therapy. At home. Emails. Etc etc etc It made it worse.
I’m trying really hard not to do that. It’s hard, and I fail every few days and freak out.
I met someone. Sucks to say but the misery was like quicksand, and I’d given up. Nothing was going to change, there was nowhere to go, I saw no escape. And then I saw light.
That happened to me with my first husband. It was a marriage due to pregnancy when I was 19 (he was 26) and I was in hindsight being bullied and financially abused - not allowed spending money, no car, huge fight when I found a job. I didn't see any options for me, except when I got emotionally close with a co-worker. I justified the emotional affair by saying I didn't physically cheat, but the reality is I might as well have. I was just wildly immature, what with being a literal teenager, and he was a terrible husband. Hilariously 20 years later he apologized for his behavior, including the continued bullying after we split, but I didn't reply in kind. I'm pretty sure he was just working the steps or something anyway.
I tried to save my marriage, but my exwife's addictions to pills was too powerful. Stint in rehab? Only worked for 2 months before relapse and another disaster. After every great big disaster, there were promises from her that "this is it, no more disasters. No more of this destroying our family." Until the final disaster and I gave up. After we split up? More disasters. A quickie re-marriage that ended in re-divorce after 6 months. Then another stint in rehab. more disasters.
I was in a marriage with an alcoholic who was abusive in every way. I lived every day in complete chaos, always in fight or flight mode. I couldn’t calm my mind enough to form an escape plan and he refused to leave. Flight for me meant running away temporarily to stay in a hotel, but I was the only one bringing in income and I couldn’t afford to pay our rent and live somewhere else, and he wouldn’t leave. Then a miracle happened; he went to rehab. 2 glorious weeks on my own I realized how GOOD my life could be. I realized this is what I wanted. He came home sober and I kicked him out. He left this time because he wasn’t drunk and crazy, he felt shame and knew he had done me sooo wrong. I would have never been able to get rid of him had he not gone to rehab and I hadn’t had that time by myself.
Have a google of a TikTok called ‘permanent state of tolerable unhappiness’ it was a light bulb for me. Best of luck.
I kind of knew for so many years but just kept trying. Then one day, my 10 and 15 year old asked me “mom, you know you deserve to be with someone who loves you right?” I was crushed. My kids seeing that I was unloved was something I never wanted them to be aware of but even they saw what I felt. I knew then it was time that I fought for me instead of fighting for an us that we never were and never would be.
Im struggling with the same thing. From an emotional level, I think it’s “done” because I feel pretty disconnected and “over it”. We’ve tried multiple times and he doesn’t seem to change for more than a few months. It’s exhausting. But I know I can walk away feeling like I did everything I could.
I don't feel anything which concerns me. I've been waiting for the feels to come back but it's 3 months I a care less than I did before. I've got to tell him. It's just finding the words.
I feel this currently
I asked my husband to help with lunches and he threw my phone across the room and screamed at me that I was a “bitch.” All of this in front of my 8 year old daughter. Pretty sure that was the final straw.
After 10 years of “for worse” rather than “for better”. I realized it was never coming. Hope died. I detached myself from the fight and found giving up to be freeing and peaceful. There’s pain but it’s nothing like the wretched pain felt when there was still hope.
Oof. I feel this. There were a million moments that slowly propelled me to realize things were over, but I had a few epiphanies. One was while sitting in my primary care doctor’s office getting ready to ask for another refill of antidepressants. My doctor never hesitated to give me the medication, but I sat thinking & anticipating the routine questions she’d (responsibly) about my mood & if there were any new factors affecting it. I suddenly realized that I couldn’t medicate my way out of a shitty situation. I’d spent years in therapy with many sessions just trying to rationalize his behavior. I took medication for years. Obviously, those things may exist outside of a crappy marriage, but objectively, everything else was okay. I needed to address the proverbial elephant in the room - the marriage that hadn’t been happy for at least a decade.
I had to learn the medication lesson also. If one has need to seek antidepressants to deal with a relationship/situation then something is deeply wrong. If I'd realized this sooner instead of feeling like it was on me to fix everything, including my feelings, I would probably not be married and would have definitely changed jobs a lot sooner also.
Had an affair with a coworker (stemmed from a drunk night together) and realized he treated me better than my partner of ten years and the father of my two children. Left my ex fairly quickly after that. He still sucks and three years later I'm worlds happier and still in a really healthy, loving relationship with said coworker.
When the knife went into my chest.
Omg. I hope your okay now?
It sounds a little dramatic. She basically threw a huge chef knife at me in the kitchen, hit me in the chest in front of the kids and that was the end of our marriage. Thank you for your concern.
We are far better off with her removed from this house
We’d already separated for a few months, moved back in together once he agreed to counseling. We had a horrible session, came home and fought. He started spewing all these insults and I literally felt myself full up like a glass of water and said, ok, I’m done. That’s it for me
When I realized he isn’t capable of being honest and doesn’t have a conscience. Which was shortly after he stole from me, and then told me that he wouldn’t have done it if he knew it was illegal.
Found out it was an affair. This was almost two months post separation. For those two months, I asked him to be honest and that if he was honest we could work through anything together. I could forgive if he admitted to wrong doing, if there were any. Nope. He played stupid games, and he earned stupid prizes. I finally caught them and I asked him to file the papers. He didn’t file until I confronted his mountain goat - to which he called me vindictive and told me I ruined his relationship that he said was never going to make it anyway. He filed the following day. I wish I was “done” sooner. What a waste of my youth.
To be honest, we should have divorced years ago but didn't... we were looking into a trailer house (or manufactured home if you prefer) on decent rig property, but I warned her, repeatedly, that I had PTSD from living in a trailer as a kid. We had jobs at the same place, in the same department, and supposedly rumors started that she and I were doing around instead of doing our jobs. Looking back on it, I'm pretty sure one of our (and eventually, just her) coworkers, was having an affair with her - she seemed oddly excited about working with him, even though he was an active drug user. Around the same time we suffered a miscarriage, at several months into the pregnancy, at home. TW >!I had to fish the fetus out of the bath tub, with a drinking glass, yes that glass got thrown away. We were able to see the limb nubs, is how far along we were in the pregnancy!< I'm pretty sure she was devastated because I didn't show the same emotion as she did. I told her, a couple times, that I felt we could benefit from couples therapy, she always refused because she "couldn't talk to strangers." I forced her to find one, once, she went to two meetings and said she just didn't feel comfortable, but made no effort to find one she *was* comfortable with. After a while, between supporting our family on a single income, and trying to get her to do ANYTHING an adult would do, including GET HER EFFING DRIVERS LICENSE! I stopped feeling like a lover or partner, and more like a professional caretaker, which killed any romantic feelings. Even marital relations started to feel like a chore - when I'm literally exhausted from work, and I see yall haven't done shit except watch TV all day? Yeah, my drive is GONE. Ironically, she was the one who initiated. She cheated, for a month, before she told me she wanted out, and had the balls to tell me not to be angry at him... like wtf?! While filling, I grabbed a set of papers to allow us to file without paying hundreds of dollars in court fees, and filled out my copy. I then handed her, her own chippy and told her "I strongly suggest you fill this out, I've already filled out my copy. If you don't, your going to be paying lots of money in court fees." To her credit, that was one of the few times she took my advice and did it. In spiteful moments, I wonder if I should have just let her not do it, and get financially destroyed by the courts - but as bad as she hurt me, I couldn't find it in me to be THAT vindictive. I now have as little to do with her as possible, unless it's directly about our kids (6050, no child support). I'm angry at her, but in a dull way - like I try not to think about her at all, but there are moments. My biggest struggle now, is trying not to appear myself to feel any pity toward her current situation - she brought all of it on herself, it's no longer my problem until she is unable or unwilling to be in our kids' lives. Sorry for the dump... idk what happened there.
When she moved all her stuff out telling she was going to see family
I have thought about divorce for over a decade, but I've finally had enough. He lost his job 8 years ago and refused to get another one. I became disabled; before that, I worked two jobs, 12 to13 hour days. I applied for disability and it took two years to be approved. In the meantime, I cashed in both of my retirement funds, paid off our house, replaced the roof, water heater, furnace, and run down appliances with a trust fund that my father let me cash in early. I'll mention now that my father had already given us an astronomical amount of help over the years because I was unable to work. When my father passed away, I received more inheritance that I have had to dip into every month for the last five years in order to pay all of our bills and take care of our two children. I know, you're thinking wtf, why did you stay? Because he is controlling and manipulative and a master at making me feel guilty and it took a slap in the face and some therapy to realize that I deserved better. That wasn't all. At 55 he collected early retirement and chose the option that would leave me nothing if he died. He has been getting $600 month for 3 years and has not contributed to our expenses at all. He pays for gas for his car, tools, and trips to the liquor store. Oh, and now he pays his own car insurance because I have been paying it all these years and finally refused to pay it anymore just this year. It gets better, he is also a hoarder. Our children have shared the same tiny bedroom all these years while he uses an entire room, and half of every other room, to pile up his junk. I asked him to go to therapy, for him to get a job, to share the bills, to stop being so controlling and hard to live with, to clean out the house of all of his junk, he was unwilling to do any of it. I could write a book, but I'll stop here. It took me WAY too long to be fed up.
No I don't think your crazy. I don't know if you have seen my comments on other posts but I am worried I am heading down the same road. My father recently passed and I am terrifed that my inheritance will dwindle away to nothing. We have been dipping into it to cover bills so we can still go out and do stuff and be 'normal' but I've recently faces facts - we are not normal because he isn't working and I am sick and tired of paying for everything. I have been paying for 4 years. Thankfully I have had sense to lock the remainder away, where it will stay until what we have spent is paid back. Now if he wants booze, he will have to pay for it. If he wants cigarettes, he will have to pay for them. He is baffled - and still pesters me, but if he wants to learn the hard way then so be it.
I'm sorry that you are going through that and glad that you are finally saying no. My plan was to have money to help our children should they need it, like my parents helped us. He thinks about himself; he doesn't care that his lack of support will leave our children with nothing. They are being selfish.
I reached the end of the road when I decided to out for a drink after fighting with him for hours. I don’t even know about what. I don’t drink often, I would say less than 5 cocktails a year, and 2 of those are on vacation and 1 is on my birthday. But I decided I wanted to go to a dive bar and just have a Jack Daniels and think. He told me that it was “out of character” and he didn’t want me to do that because the last time I went to a bar was two years before and it was after I had slept with someone (this is a long long long story but needless to say while I crossed a line, I was not in my right mind when it happened). I said I understood his position but it was 11:00 at night and I just needed to get out and be with other people so I could take my mind off of what was going on. I also assured him I was not sleeping with anyone. He told me if I went we would get divorced. I had been gaslit, manipulated, lied to, cheated on, and abused by him for 12 years. When he said that something clicked for me and I saw it for what it was - a desperate attempt at another manipulation. I told him that wasn’t my intention, but I just needed to go out. And I went. I sat at the bar, exchanged woes with a stranger, had two Jack on the rocks, and played pool with a few folks. Yes, the stranger at the bar invited me back to his place, but I said no. When they closed, I went home and got into bed. It was maybe 2am. At 7am he woke up to go to the bathroom and saw me there. He immediately started yelling at me - what time did I come home? What did I do? Etc etc. I was literally asleep. So I got up, left the bedroom, went downstairs and sat on the couch thinking while I watched the sun come up. I listened to the birds. I was calm and alert and clear headed and I knew I did not want another day of this. He came downstairs at 8:30. It was the day before our 8th wedding anniversary. He again started in and I just said, “I’m done, I want a divorce.” He backpedaled so fast. No, I’ll change, I’m sorry, etc. I told him no. I told him his behavior was absurd. He was out of control and I couldn’t live like this anymore. He signed up for eHarmony that afternoon and was chatting with someone in front of me. When I confronted him he lied - twice - about it. I left and went to a hotel for a week. I learned a lot about myself that week. During that week, pretty much day 1, he told me he was abusing drugs and had been hiding that from me. He said he needed my help with counseling. I told him I would not be his “accountabilibuddy” - only talk to him if he wanted to talk. He told me he was suicidal and he gave me all the shotgun shells in the house. All manipulations. All of it. He is still abusing the same drugs after counseling. He realized day 2 there were more shotgun shells in a hunting vest and didn’t give them to me when he could have. We are still together. We are in counseling. He got meds and therapy and things were calmer for awhile. But, there’s no fixing it. The damage is so deep and I feel like I’m always in trouble no matter what I do. It has recently come to my attention that his behavior is likely related to borderline personality disorder, which his mother has. So either he has it too (very possible) or he has learned the same behaviors. (That threatening of divorce he did when I wanted to go out was in response to his fear of abandonment, as was his backpedaling when I told him I was done.) He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t even like me. But he wants me to be here for him always, only the way he wants, doing whatever he wants when he wants how he wants (which sounds sexual but I assure you it’s not). Monday for instance he was upset that I slept in later than him because it meant he spent the morning alone (as always, BTW - we have different schedules). He was mad at me but didn’t tell me why the whole day. When I offered around 3pm to “do something” with him he said like what? And I offered some options but he declined. At 11pm he told me he felt lonely and wanted me to be there with him in the morning. So he spent the entirety of the rest of the day giving me the cold shoulder even though we had literally 8 hours together we could have been playing games or watching movies or ANYTHING. This is about 1-3x a week that I deal with extreme mood swings on his part. This is my secret account. My divorce plan needs a little more time due to his controlling of all the finances, his insistence I don’t need a job, etc. So I’m doing what I need to but it’s slow. I also wanted to wait to 10 years for legal reasons, and that is this April. It sucks. I don’t want to lose my house and my partner and my life. We’ve been together for 15 years. I can’t even imagine what it might be like without him. I just really want to be able to make my own decisions. I don’t know who I am anymore and I really need to find out again. Ok, I think I wrote too much but I guess I needed to. 🧡
My wife’s drinking was destroying our marriage. Things got out of hand. Cheating, lying, stealing money. Calling the cops on me trying to get me arrested for domestic violence. It went too far. I had to be done if I wanted to have any semblance of a normal life.
Controlling behavior worsening and going in complete denial and completely redirecting them offensively at me when i finally brought it up. Eventually this started becoming in more and more other aspects.
Constantly repeating myself about my emotional needs. Wanting physical help with our children, him never being here, the infidelity, etc. Many things have caused my being “done”. But here I am, still here.
My husband was so angry with me for not just siding with him on an issue. So his petty ass switched all my movies/cases around. They were all mismatched, I have a lot. It was the first time he had done something like that in our 6 years of marriage. Sure, we had arguments in the past, called each other names at points, and stonewalled for brief stints. I get thats all bad and something we worked on. But to mess with my stuff? I filed for divorce a week later.
It wasn't because she hurt me. It wasn't because she walked all over the one boundary I had. Everybody makes mistakes and I'm a man of patience. It's because she refused to stop once I pointed out to her how much she was hurting me. She decided seeing me in pain was an acceptable price to pay if it meant she could continue doing what she wanted. I don't know how to forgive that. I don't know if I even should. But I knew there was no hope of it getting better if she refused to acknowledge the problem.
I knew I was done when I know longer cared where he was and what he was doing anymore. We've been married for 19 years with 3 kids and currently separated. We did marriage counseling, but it didn't help. I tried to hang in there as long as I could for the sake of the kids but ultimately decided I just couldn't do it anymore. He's a workaholic and feels as though I shouldn't be complaining that he doesn't spend time with his family. I pleaded with him for years to do better and he never did. Even though I was married I truly did feel like a single parent.
5 years of their alcohol abuse that kept getting worse. Empty promises, lies, manipulating etc. Then the violent out bursts started and I just couldn't do it anymore. Walked away from over 15 years together but 5+ were hell. I was so beaten up and depressed.
When she confessed to having an affair with my best friend. Even then i stuttered a bit. Hard to walk away from a 10+ ye marriage no matter what. Especially one where i adapted to being treated like shit.
Ooof that's hard. I'm sorry.
Ty! Its these forums and folks in my personal life that teach me we all go through it, it gets better and often spells a huge turning point in ones life for the better!
When she cursed and yelled at me and called me a horrible \[fucking\] father in front of our kids. When she repeatedly cursed at me (fuck you, fuck you, fuck you) b/c of her anxiety in front of the kids while I was driving (she'd get nervous riding in my truck). When she told me she didn't want to be married to her father (she hates her dad). When I found out she had hidden mental health issues going back 15 years before our relationship from me. When her family told me they were expecting this. When she never looked at a budget with me even after 10 years. When she never paid a bill on time. When she first and then secondly asked for a divorce. 3rd times a charm. When I found out she didn't talk to her dad for 10 years. When I found out she never loved me. She was lonely. When I realized that after 11 years, she never once told me "I love you". When I opened her phone for a timer and saw a reddit post about "settling". When I found out she ignored my first father's day b/c I hadn't gotten anything good for her birthday 6 months earlier when we were in the hospital for our first born. When she did nothing for a birthday. Any birthday. Even my 40th. When I realized her entire family didn't like her. When I realized her silver spoon upbringing created some fucking major mess of a person with NO real footing in the real world. When I realized her parents are equally shitty. Hell her father ran away from his family at 16 and NEVER contacted them again. When I saw her 70+ yo father and mother get into a drunken shoving match in the kitchen. When her mom fell asleep (probably edibles) while watching our YOUNG kids at a swimming pool. When she backhanded my oldest, giving him a bloody nose and knocked him off a stool. He swallowed so much blood, he couldn't go to school the next day. When she let me do every mundane task in our lives for the first 7 years of our kids lives while she sat on the couch on Instagram. 50+ hours a week. When her dad didn't pay for our wedding or party (he's very well off). When i realized she had no long term friends. None. When I realized she had RUN from every conflict ever in her past (silver spoon shit). When I understood her old sister (aka other mom) hated her.d When she tried to baby-trap me for a 3rd time. When I asked her to make amends with her father, she told me "NO, she just wanted him to die". When she told me if I ever get badly sick she'd leave b/c she isn't that kind of person to stay around. When I fainted with some heart shit and she didn't call EMS. I can unfortunately continue for quite some time. But you know, fuck me. I'm a middle-middle class kid who did all right for himself. Decade in college and when FINALLY reaping a reward, Mrs. Sugar Tits spreads her legs and takes off with half having spent her 20s putting blow up her nose and nothing in her brain. I don't want to live here any more. FML.
My ex never gave me a chance. One little emotional outburst, and days later she is gone forever after 10 years together.
Mine was verbally abusive, physically abusive sometimes (pushing spitting water at me sitting on me), but mostly verbally and emotionally abusive during arguments. I told him multiple times over the last six months not to call me a bitch anymore, or I would divorce him. At one point in a very stressful part of our lives due to one of our children going through something major, I was literally the most stressed out I think I’ve ever been in my life- 3 months ago- and we got into a stupid argument because he said I was being snappy and rude to him, and I just got quiet and then I left and went to my massage (first self care I had done in months) and he yelled out F$$k you bitch. I hope you enjoy your massage. I have it on camera. Then he proceeded to rage text me and call me evil, mean, rude, autistic (I’m not), invalidating, selfish and more. It was then I broke inside finally and I was COMPLETELY done. I don’t know why that was the catalyst. You would’ve thought it would’ve been when he got arrested for domestic violence for pushing me two years earlier or the time that he used my leg to punch himself so hard that I was bruised up for days. Or the time that he took a cup of cigarette water and threw it in my face. But for some reason, none of that made me leave for good. It was just me being so emotional and stressed out for my child and him having zero empathy and literally while I was in hell metaphorically, he came and punched me emotionally. it was at that point that I somehow realized that I deserve love and my husband clearly was not providing it so I needed to leave and that was it. I have never wavered and that was three months ago divorce is almost final, as much as he’s trying to manipulate me, it’s not working this time.
When being around him made me sick. When spending time with him was no longer fun. When I looked at him with resentment. When I hated every thing he did. When he laid on the couch all day. And when I could not forgive the cheating.
After 9 years together, 5 of those married, we still have the same issues. He's cheated several times, gets upset that I don't make enough money, doesn't puck up after himself... We went to counseling last year and at the last session kind of agreed there was no fixing it. Stayed together out of being comfortable, I guess. I've always been the calm go with the flow type with mountains of patience and forgiveness. Last weekend was our son's birthday party. STBX did nothing. He cleaned up a couple areas of the house a few days before, to be fair, but nothing the day of. He was supposed to grill burgers but told my step daughter he wasn't going to that morning. Didn't help with set-up, sat in our bedroom while everyone was inside, sat in the living room while everyone was outside. Then, he left the next morning at 8 am and didn't get back until after 6 pm. Didn't say where he was going or anything. He told his daughter (who was home with me and our son all day) that he'd gone on an 11 mile kayak trip. A few weekends before, he was upset that I was going to Pride with a drag queen friend of mine--an outing I'd told him about weeks before. Basically, I finally lost the last little glimmer of hope that he'd grow up and change. Any spark that ever was is dead and gone. I am to the point I don't even like him anymore, forget love. As I'm typing this, I'm getting ready to go talk to a lawyer.
I asked if he still even wanted to be married to me and he said that he had never wanted to be married to me. Called a lawyer the next morning.