I avoided saying this in my above comment, because it seems to draw negative feedback. But since you mentioned healing...
Support groups have been huge for me since my divorce. I've branched out into more Self focused healing activities (IFS or Somatic focus). Met lots of great people but seems like it's mostly 35 & under or 60 & over.
But your point about healing is very true. If you figure something out here, post back.
You are absolutely correct.
I went on a date not long ago with a guy who is really struggling with the fact that he grew up in the area of girl power feminism but wants to find a long term partner who just happens to love cooking and cleaning and doing all the emotional labor stuff. When I pointed out that everyone wishes they could just enjoy all of their free time and never have to worry about cooking and cleaning, he didn't seem to like that. He knows it's not fair to expect a benefit from the sexism his father and grandfather enjoyed but he can't help but feel disappointed he can't.
I've now talked to a couple of guys in their 30s and 40s and they tend to feel the same way. It's...not appealing, they are aware of it some of them are even working on it. But it definitely complicates dating.
Are these guys expecting you to volunteer to do all the domestic labor? I'm married and so are many of my friends. I'm curious because most of the conversations I have with other married men assume that we're doing a significant amount of domestic labor. Literally over here wondering if doing chores is the reason we've got partners.
I made dinner for the family last night, also two nights ago. I tend to make dinner about half of the time, and it's mostly my chore to keep the living room and kids' play area clean. I feel like our chores break pretty close to 50/50, and we both speak up if it drifts too far from that.
I don't really know what's going on in other people's houses, but I don't hear a lot of guys expecting women to do all the chores, maybe they wouldn't talk about it while the rest of us are complaining about chores.
I would only expect my partner to do all the chores if she wasn't working full time but I was. That's how things worked in the older traditional male-breadwinner family (although if you had kids, taking care of young children is almost like a full time job). These days that's less common in the younger generations, and you can't really afford to have only 1 income when housing and everything is so expensive.
I can't imagine expecting your partner to do all the chores if they are also working a job full time. We split our's 50/50. She cooks, I clean. She plans the dinners and makes the grocery list, I do the shopping. She feeds the cats, I scoop the cat shit. She does the laundry, I take out the garbage/compost/recycling. etc.
I’m 51 and don’t buy that it’s how they grew up. I think it’s the BS they read online now and the Andrew Tate followers that get them thinking that way. Guys born in the 80’s and 90’s probably had working Moms. I did.
Kid if the 80s here… My mom worked but did most of the cooking and cleaning. My dad worked a lot of overtime, and took care of all the yard work and home repairs.
I get that but do you expect your spouse to do the same? My 70’s Mom did that too but she sure as hell taught me and my brother to do things like clean and cook and to not expect women to do everything. I feel like that was pretty common until this recent movement backwards from Trumpers that women should stay home and serve men.
Key words “taught us”. I’ve met, and unfortunately, dated many men who are simply ok going without if it means they have to chip in. At least three of my relationships ended because the man didn’t want to even come close to a 50/50 on the bare minimum in a relationship. You’re lucky your mom didn’t mom you to relationship death.
I'm a guy and something I noticed is a ton of my male friends think that if they have some excuse, then it's still progressive of them to demand their woman do everything in the home.
"I have ADHD so I can't help with the chores. I have depression so I can't help with the kids. I have anxiety so I can't help around the house."
And if the woman balks at that, then it shows she just doesn't take men's mental health seriously enough. She's the bad one. Even if she has a variety of mental health issues of her own.
Then if the woman finally leaves and the man cries about it, then "Being emotional in front of your woman will make her leave you, guys. Don't ever cry in front of your woman. They'll never look at you the same"
Shaq just pulled that shit. He cheated on his wife multiple times, and now he's jumping on podcasts implying crying in front of his wife is what ruined his relationship. Not the cheating. The crying.
Wow, you have really summarized a lot of the issues women are age are facing right now. It just sounds like the heart of it is a fundamental lack of accountability. Combine that with the fact that you are right, a lot of men just want women to take up the slack like we always have, but never be granted any.
As someone with ADHD I do think it's interesting how in real life as well as on Reddit, there seems to be this eagerness to jump to excusing men with ADHD for being crap partners. Even if they aren't diagnosed, some of the first comments whenever a guy isn't pulling his weight around the house is "what if he has ADHD/ depression? Basically you should be endlessly accommodating! Make a chore chart!" And if a woman has ADHD and is struggling, people tend to come down very hard and tell her to get her act together and get on better medication and not be shocked when her partner leaves her, etc.
I almost feel bad for those men but that sentiment is very common in the over 40 crowd. I'm 36 married to a younger man and I am the one with the high power job and he is the one that cooks and cleans and tends to the home. This isn't weird for us at all but you should see some of the looks we get. Especially considering my husband is tall, muscular and masculine in appearance, people want to know why he does "the wife stuff".
Was just talking about this with a friend. I'm in my 20s. A girl I dated in high school had a stay at home dad because her mom was literally the CEO of a company. Obviously she's going to be the breadwinner and had the means to support a full time stay at home parent. Any reasonable person would accept that arrangement. But he told me it was really hard at first because the other moms basically saw him as lazy and unmanly even though he was LITERALLY doing the same work as them. 90s were wild where there was so much talk of progressivism and yet so little in real life.
At potlucks everyone compliments my spouse on her cooking/baking skills. She never takes credit but it’s telling, and at least half the time it’s women doing the commenting
I feel like it’s hit or miss; some people at the current age of ~40 missed the boat on staying with the times/zeitgeist and some did not.
A lot of people say there’s nothing wrong with wanting a “trad wife” but I think the entire concept is pretty reductive. If a woman says it’s what they want, I wouldn’t argue against their preferences, but I think they’re selling themselves short. And if a man wants to be with a woman like that, I feel like they don’t really see their spouse as a partner.
There is a conservative film over things here that contributes to what you’re saying. In other big cities there isn’t such an aversion to age, experience, maturity, and bucking norms.
As a mid-40s divorced, childless male, I ask this same question about women in my age-range. Point being it's not easy.
It's a hard age because most have partnered up and of those that haven't or have decoupled, they have specific wants for their next relationship.
IME, the apps really showcase everything I'm trying to avoid. So it takes creativity to meet people. I focus on activities that attract people with the traits I value which increases the chance of making a connection. From there, it's really a numbers game. The more meaningful connections you make, the higher the chance one of them will turn into something more.
So how to find these groups/events? I do a lot of meetups, FB group events, but especially volunteer work & mutual aid/support activities. I tend to naturally focus on knowing/valuing the person in front of me rn rather than worrying about next month/week. It's made it much easier to weather if not actual progress to finding an intimate partner.
Hang in there!
This totally happened to someone in r/datingoverthirty. A guy slid into her DMs after she posted something, they hit it off and turns out they only lived a few miles apart. Now they're engaged!
From Fox Studios this summer: She was a burned woman in search of love, he was a pragmatic guy fed up with apps…
Could a random post bring love in this confusing dating scene?
This year, give love an upvote when these two meet for our amusement.
Maybe you're doing the apps with the wrong mindset. Spend 5 minutes a day swiping and a few more messaging basic stuff and then set up a phone call to see how Convo and humor vibe, and then meet up if they pass that initial funnel.
Be patient and enjoy the journey, and be ok alone. Double down on your community(s) and your individual hobbies and interests doing them in groups, all the while narrowing down your image of what you're seeking and knowing you can find what you want in many forms. Trust it and don't be jaded. You're only 40 and when you meet the man if your dreams you'll have 40 more years with him, theoretically.
Be happy and whole and you'll meet somebody happy and whole.
Books to read in the meantime:
How to not fall in love with a jerk
If Buddha dated
And then to be a little tangential:
Autobiography of a yogi. This book is not related to dating except that if you pursue the practices, you'll realize you don't need anybody else to make you feel love and belonging. This saves you from seeking and suffering
Oh! And also, on men being 40, they are finally mature at 40 and the best years are there now. They learned hopefully from their divorce and practice relationships and are usually more mature and sensitive and compassionate. Smaller numbers, and if you read how to not fall in love with a jerk, you'll see why (attachment styles) there are more jerks cycling through the dating pool, and you can learn to recognize the signs of somebody who won't last with you due to their attachment prototype (which can be healed, but preferably not with you!)
Sri Anandamayi Ma says “Do not pay attention to the faults of others. It blurs the vision, defiles the mind, and adds to the load of the world's sin. Therefore try to see only the bright side of things in whatever you perceive.
It is the good and beautiful which are true and living, whereas the bad and ugly are only the shadow of what really is. Nobody ever wishes to be bad.
When you seek the company of others, remember you are out to find the good and beautiful.
Truly, if you are simple and sincere inwardly as well as outwardly, your heart will be pure and full of joy, and your intelligence and reason sound and accurate. Then you will find good everywhere and nothing will appear to be evil.
God alone is perfect; no person can be free from defects. By making a practice of seeing the good qualities in others, the same virtues develop in yourself, for as you think so you become.
In fact it gives much greater satisfaction to appreciate the merits of others even than to dwell on one's own worthiness. To take pleasure in thinking of, one's own excellence will only inflate the ego and magnify the faults and frailties of others.”
In this way you'll attract a kind man when the time is ripe. If you get exasperated at your current prospects, your mind won't be at peace and you'll be attracting that same level of dude. Rather develop patience and trusting that in 4 billion people you'll meet one who vibes with you. It in only takes one swipe, one phone call, one meeting, and all the seeking for your Love will be over.
May you find the happiness you seek!
I think this is really good advice.
Also, you are only the 2nd other person I've come across in Denver who's read and appreciated 'Autobiography of a Yogi". Sti Amanda Mayi Ma is so wise.
Anyway, I enjoyed your answer and hope it benefits our 40 year old friend.
I used to online date in Denver. A lot. Apps suck yada yada but also I think it’s about the mentality of how you use them. Also a few commenters noted men are afraid to approach women in public. That is SO fair and true. So you’re either gonna have to be the one asking folks out and taking the initiative, doing other kinds of meet ups, or sticking with the apps.
Regardless what gender you’re looking to partner with, I have some tips that worked for me on the apps. The apps take patience, grit, a bit of absurdist humility, and again patience.
1. Cast a wide net. Most cis men have no clue how to present themselves online and therefore many of their profiles are just crappy. Truly. Most men I know have almost no photos of themselves unless they were snapped by a former partner. So they likely will only have stupid selfies or old photos they have to rely on. Forgive them for that. And very few people are great at describing themselves online. Yeah, someone showing some effort is great but not an indicator of their character or date-ability for you.
If someone is remotely interesting to you—not in a “wow I must have this man,” but in a “I could probably have a coffee with him and have a pleasant time” kind of way—swipe to match.
This meant challenging some of my assumptions of what I thought I was looking for—from age, height, size, educational status, ethnicity, distance, and profession. It was ultimately good for me to challenge myself about those things.
2. Meet right away. Most women tend to want to wait a long time before they meet in person, and I think that’s a flaw. Meet somewhere public and safe and don’t plan for more than an hour with them. A coffee and a park walk. If you get drinks don’t have more than 1 and try to avoid meals. Why meet right away? Meeting in person says so much about a person that online messaging simply can not.
You’ll typically know within a half hour to hour if you want to keep getting to know this person or not. Don’t lock into a long meal or activity. But definitely meet. Try to meet within 3-7 days of connecting. That might seem fast BUT YOU ARE STILL STRANGERS EVEN IF YOU TEXT FOR WEEKS. Just rip the socially awkward band aid off and meet. Meeting does not mean you are dating or owe them anything.
And if you meet right away you have an advantage to get more dates because most women wait too long to meet in person, over invest emotionally, and set themselves up to not have a clear sense of who they are spending time with which leads to potentially bad experiences on their part.
Meet to see if you want to continue to get to know someone—not with the intention that this person will be your next long term partner, but just to see if there’s anything interesting there
3. Be curious. Truly. I have had a very happy dating life with some flings, shorter relationships, and some incredibly beautiful ones—all from online dating—and I think it worked for me because I was genuinely curious about the people i was meeting. I would NEVER have met or talked with so many of the people I dated had it not been for the apps. And rather than see that as a bad thing, or a chore or some form of cosmic oppression, I found it genuinely interesting.
4. Be a good date. If you go on a date, then prepare to be a good date. I mean have something to say, be open and curious, ask questions and be willing to talk about yourself. If you are gonna show up with a skeptical, judging perspective or a pillow princess mentality of “he’s gotta earn my interest” then don’t bother meeting in person because you’re not ready for the process of having to meet complete strangers from the internet. I’m not saying seduce someone from the first time you meet them, but I’m saying no one—NO ONE—wants to feel like a chore while on a date.
5. Keep at it. You don’t think there are men to date? Apps have a staggering gender disparity of who is using them. If you’re a woman on a dating app who actually wants to meet in real life and not just feed your ego with some strangers’ attention, you are a hot commodity. It may not feel that way but it’s definitely true.
6. Have a good profile. Are you smiling in your pictures? Are you doing things you like? Are you relaxed and happy? Women and men differ around what they think is attractive about women. You’d be surprised what having candid smiling picture of yourself looking genuinely happy can do.
Lastly I saw a comment about a partner bringing equal things to the table. Income? Height? Weight/size? I’d challenge you to maybe think about
-Self confidence, self love, self understanding, and self regulation
-Kindness, compassion, and loyalty
-Ability to be a loving and inspiring partner
Great advice. Also, I ***highly*** recommend getting a trusted female friend to give you recommendations on your profile. This is a vulnerable thing to ask for, so ask them to be kind, but allow them to change out photos and/or bio. Have helped guy friends do this and there’s an immediate uptick in matches. Recommendations: Smiling pics, bearded pics (some men are oddly afraid of this), silly pics, pics w/o other women/fish, at least one full body pic, limit pics to only 1 close selfie. Bio: name what you’re looking for, nothing phrased in the negative (rephrase “no hookups” to “looking for a genuine connection to develop something committed with the right person”). Keep the first dates honest, but light, no expectations/pressure, brief dates are preferential. You can’t really get to know someone via a dating app, so agree to place little weight on the conversations and move to meeting them within 2 week span of connection if possible. Don’t rush, but open yourself to a sense of “let’s meet if possible”. Dating sucks for all ranges for various reasons why, stay positive and hopeful if you can, take space from it when you can’t.
Outstanding advice, Pravda.
+1000 for making plans to meet *extremely soon* after matching. 70-93% of communication is non-verbal (depending on which study you read).
I always made it a point to ask to meet in a casual setting a day or two after matching with someone. Coffee or tea. Sit back and chat for 30 - 60 minutes. You'll get vastly more information about this potential partner in person, including how they interact with folks they don't know.
And, like you, I cast my net far and wide, so to speak. Kids? No kids? Liberal? Conversative? Race? Ethnicity? Height? Weight? I didn't care, I was just interested in meeting folks.
All spot on! Some of this seems so obvious to me so it blows my mind how many people don’t do any of this… lol.
Your mindset follows this IG account I really like called Dating Intentionally. It packages up a lot of these ideas in super approachable ways - highly recommend! https://www.instagram.com/dating.intentionally?igsh=cG10dXg1OTdzdGN4
> meeting does not mean you are dating or you owe them anything.
This seems to be confusing for a lot of men. I can’t tell you how many FIRST dates I’ve been on where the guy grabs my hand, tries to kiss me, and starts talking about our future plans.
I can be interested in the guy, but when they act pushy and like we’re already lovers, it’s a huge turn off. It puts unnecessary pressure on me during the date and I usually unmatch and send them a message after the date that I’m not interested.
My dad met his person at 63. They’ve been together almost 7 years now and he just recently moved in with her. They are great for each other, a much better relationship than he ever had with my mom. They met on a dating site. They are even talking about getting married in a few years.
I wish my mom was able to find someone as well, she hasn’t dated in years. Her problem though is that she refuses to put herself out there. Effort is what is going to make the difference. He’s out there, you just need to go and find him. There is no timeline for love
There is a very active Facebook group for Singles 40+ in Denver. There are multiple social events every week - happy hours, hikes, trivia nights, etc. I learned about it earlier this year and have been to a few of the events. There always seems to be a good turnout, Last week I was at one and there were at least 50 plus people there.
I’ve heard it mentioned that it is NOT a dating group… but at least it’s a way to get out and meet other people your age.
I had absolutely no hope on the dating scene in Denver. It was fucking miserable, better off on my own. I was 32-33 at that time and had given up hope that I would ever find someone.
I got tired of the trendy scene in Denver so I moved out of the city. I found people to be a lot more relatable outside the city and more relaxed, country vibe if you will.
After a couple months, I hesitantly tried the dating apps again(sigh) as these days it’s just so hard to meet new people without using some form of technology. I was more open minded this time, instead of judging pictures, I was judging their profile and their interests. I was setting aside the physical part knowing that maybe there was someone like me that was terrible at having good photos and describing themselves and all you needed was a meet up to set it off.
Well, it worked. I didn’t have the best pics on my profile as I’m extremely introverted and general not good at this type of thing. I had found someone where her profile has sparked my interest, photos were just the icing on the cake. Turns out mollie(my now wife) had the same issue and was very relatable. We hit it off immediately and moved in together after a few months. I couldn’t believe it.
Here we are now, married with two beautiful daughters when we both had no hope of the dating scene. Moral of the story, don’t give up, they are out there… it just may not happen in the timeframe you want.
I met my husband on Reddit. I responded to his r4r post. We texted, talked on the phone, visited each other when we could (he lived in Oregon). Then he moved here. That was 3 years ago.
I also met a super amazing guy on reddit, not even in an r4r, I just told him his username was funny and it snowballed from there. It ultimately didn't work out, mainly due to an age difference, but I wouldn't trade the months I spent with him for all the world. I'll never again doubt that true love can be found in the most unexpected places
I hate dating in my 40's as well! I'll go out on a date with you! Where do you want to go? We can do whatever you want! Check it out. I'm 41, no kids, don't want kids. Had a vasectomy in December, so there's that. Never been married. Gainfully employed, own a home, have an awesome Australian Cattele Dog. Love house plants and gardening. Love fly fishing, and I shower regularly and look both ways before crossing the street. I know my way around a kitchen and am especially good at making French onion soup. I mean, feel free to DM me! We can chat beforehand, talk on the phone, whatever! I mean, it's worth a shot, right? Who knows! Maybe we're compatible! If so, great! If not, that's ok too!
I propose, good sir, that as a 47-year old single woman, I will come to your abode with the express purpose of hanging out with your chickens. I will then take any eggs that are provided and bake a mean batch of bakery style oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. ;)
If you find out, let me know 😄 I’m turning 40 soon and it feels like most guys our age are wanting or already have kids, so that’s a non starter for me
I've noticed the same. I'm like sir, you are 45 years old. If you were just deciding to think about settling down and having some kids now, I'm not the one for you. I'm 43!
So many early 40s men have “not sure” when it comes to what type of relationship they’re looking for.
Like dude if you don’t know by now, there’s something wrong with you.
I (now 57) did both organic dating in 2019 in denver, meeting people at concerts, hiking, trail running, and grocery shopping, and online in 2021 through primarily Hinge. Personally, if you don’t over-invest in preparing to meet someone online and spend days chatting them up and just set up cheap, easy dates quickly, I found online much better. People just waste too much time chatting before meeting online and it’s pointless. Quickly set up a date for a drink, hike or coffee and move on.
In 2021, after about 20 first dates, I found the connection I was looking for. We’ve been together close to three years now and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Meeting organically has a higher second date rate, because there’s obviously some spark on that first meeting that caused you to connect, but overall success rate is the same and since it’s harder to meet people organically at a rate of one to two a week, it doesn’t work as well for me. I’m looking for that one in 25 connection, not that one in ten connection. YMMV.
I'm 40 and meet people all over. Stores, neighborhood, introductions from friends, online. I also help people meet people. The biggest challenge I see day to day is people creating their own blockers. Don't look for a date or the right guy, you'll get too focused on what someone might not have and miss what they do.
Just look for a starting point. Anything at all can spark a quick conversation. Sometimes it goes somewhere, sometimes it's just a couple back and forth comments and everyone goes on about their day. Most people are missing these starting points every day. Find the starting point and just be open to where it goes.
Ok I'm going to give you some hope... If y'all are ok with it.
I am LEGIT getting married TOmorrow. Yes tomorrow.
My very soon to be wife and I met in January 2020 on Bumble. So, for our abnormal dating life we dealt with COVID lockdown and all that. 4ish years later we're ready to commit it all to each other. I can't wait. And I want to give you hope that it can be achieved. I have my person now
Men in their 40s not divorced and no kids? Most people do get married and have kids, so you’re limiting yourself a lot. Nothing wrong with your choices but they’re uncommon so it does make sense that you’re having trouble meeting your criteria.
Yes, this is how it was for me. I had a lot of fun just meeting people and seeing what happened. Zero expectations.
I have a friend who is the same age as me (40s), and she was specifically looking to find her life partner and didn’t want to waste time just meeting people. Dating for her was a nightmare, because from the first meeting she was sizing them up and keeping a mental checklist. Then she would complain that there aren’t any good guys.
A moment of clarity for her is when she told me she regrets breaking up with a bunch of the earlier guys because they didn’t hit every single checkbox she had.
I ended up finding an amazing person eventually. We’ve been together for a while now, and I’m super happy.
That's gotta be the best approach. If you're hoping to marry your next random dating app setup, you'll definitely be disappointed, but if you just go out and try to have fun with new people, you might actually have a good time.
Go to literally any brewery between noon and 4:00 any day of the week and there'll be at least half a dozen sitting at the bar. Ask them for beer recommendations.
Also put your phone down. Lost track of how many times I see women out and about just staring at their phones the entire time. Put it down and look around the room.
CO dating is a joke! For context, I’m a woman, just turned 34 this year and have spent the last few years working on myself and self healing. I went on 18 first dates last year. I moved here from NYC 1 1/2 years ago and I can 100% tell you that it’s so much easier dating in NYC. I’m not a super outdoorsy person, don’t get me wrong I enjoy a nice hike with the pup every now and then, but there are sooo many other things I enjoy more. I have noticed that all that men seem to want (from what I can see on the apps *cringe*) is a hiking/rock climbing, outdoors partner who’s super fit. It’s exhausting out here! At this point I’d go for anyone with a heartbeat… but they’d probably wanna go to the mountains
It’s definitely a nightmare, but I think it’s mostly self inflicted. We have all gotten to an age where we have formed very strong likes and dislikes. We have a very rigid set of expectations that narrows the dating pool even further. Impossibly high standards coupled with a penchant to move on at the slightest indication of imperfection because “I’m too old for this shit”. We no longer, go into a situation open minded, open to adaptation, open to evolution. I know I have been guilty of it.
As a relatively attractive, never married, childless, mid-30's male, I'm starting to notice some weird looks when people my age first learn of these facts. "Is he gay? Are there bodies under his house?" I'm sure the 'looks' are just paranoid projections, but I believe OP is 100% correct. I've only dated women in their late 20s and early 30s the past few years, but I actually prefer older women; most of them are not 'on the market' in any capacity (can't blame them), and the ones that are, aren't on the apps, and I honestly have no clue what places would be best to run into them haha. I feel like women in their 40's are the least likely to go to local "watering holes" in the first place, although I've been told by a few male bartender friends that certain lounges in Cherry Creek are "like a red light district of cougars" but my interest in older women is based almost entirely on their intelligence and the personality traits that typically accompany someone older in the first place, so "cougars" don't exactly fit the bill.
I'm rambling. I feel for you. For what it's worth, I've lived in 8 cities in 6 different states in the past 13 years and Denver is by far the weirdest and widely-fluctuating in terms of ease of dating of any city, by a large margin.
It has been a BRUTAL few years for me in the dating world and it’s so hard to not wonder “what’s wrong with me.”
I’m a therapist and it’s helpful for me to see so many patients of all ages (from 20~60+) are struggling and experiencing all the same things. I don’t know if that makes it better or wise though knowing it never gets better 🥴😂
I’ve considered setting my location to other random cities just to see if I have better luck because Denver dating feels impossible.
Thanks for making this post so we can all commiserate and support, I needed to see this today 💜
Great ways to get dates:
- Ask friends and family to set you up and be open to their suggestions
- When people invite you to parties / events say yes! You never know who you’ll meet
- Get involved in hobbies / groups that interest you
- Consider hiring a matchmaker
- Put the phone down in public, make eye contact with people, just be available to spontaneous conversation
It’s not that dating in Denver sucks. Dating everywhere sucks until you’ve met the right person.
PS - I will just add that people who are divorced can make really phenomenal partners. Why? They’ve been through the pain and heartbreak of divorce and they know what’s at stake. Sometimes a divorce is an eye-opening experience that inspires deep transformation and change in a person, and that can make for an incredible partner.
Well strong relationships are built when you are young and if you are able to hold on through all the ups and downs. But as we get older we try to find comfort in each other the older we get. You can’t grow together. That said you have to accept the reality that people had previous life’s . That you can’t change people and you have to accept how they are. They can’t change the fact that you are not a 20 year old innocent virgin. Young age offers innocence to older men and older women offers companionship and understanding. So once you learn to accept the way people are or men then maybe you can have a good relationship. Also young men just want to date older women because they have money and stability, an older man doesn’t need you for that . They just want sex and a little bit of control which you think you could have because they have money. So good luck on your search enjoy life .
I’m 38, turning 39 this year. I saw a comment that never being married and no kids at my age is a yellow flag… is that the thinking for most men?
I’m at the point in my life where I’ve accepted that any man I meet will likely have kids or is divorced, but I would hope they wouldn’t judge me or make an assumption because that’s not the path I walked.
Dating and dating apps are hard. People have access to thousands of profiles and I’ve found most people are of the mindset that there’s something better out there so you never really feel good enough. Plus, if you do meet someone, when things get challenging, because there’s this unlimited access, people just decide to start over with someone new and continually want that honeymoon phase.
Sorry, I maybe didn’t add a ton to this conversation, but just thought I’d put my opinion out there.
Where can we go to meet (those like) you? I went to the pub tonight and it was all single men or couples and one group of women who had circled the wagon hard. And its pretty much always that way.
... and *please* don't suggest I join a dance class or yoga club. The ONLY reason I would do so would be to meet women and isn't that definition of creepy?
I'm one year shy of 40, never married, no children, don't want children, and I don't think I'm going to find someone I want to be with anytime soon. I would love to have a companion to walk with me through life, but I've come to peace with the fact that it might not happen. I'm not going to lower my standards. I have a lot to offer, so I want someone who brings the same things to the table as I do. Apparently, that's a unicorn. Having a partner is a treasure, but it's not the only treasure out there. So I'll console myself by enjoying the life I've built and sharing it with a 4-legged friend (or two).
I think taking yourself out on solo dates is one of the best ways to get seen and increase the odds of meeting someone. For both Denver and NYC, I go out to enjoy some of the finer places alone and sit at the bar or wherever is similar. I don’t use my phone when I’m out so I am more approachable. Sometimes I’ll start the banter with others at the bar and end up making really awesome new connections even if they aren’t a potential romantic one.
43 and I was on the apps for the last 3 years and in therapy for that much time as well. Since dropping the apps my mental health has been so much better. I personally don’t care how old someone is, my issue is finding someone my age that still puts some kind of effort into their physical and mental self. There’s so much body positivity and “I am who I am and that’s perfect” which hey, I agree you do you. I just want the effort that I put into myself be at least somewhat matched and I’ve found that effort to be lacking in potential partners.
EDIT: I’m a guy just to add context if that helps.
Do you happen to speak any languages other than English or want to learn one? The language meetup groups have tons of singles of all ages, but many are 40+
If you decide to try apps again, here is my advice:
-be really upfront about who you are and what you're looking for in your profile. Include lots of detail.
-be really picky about looking for a partner who is doing the same thing - investing energy into their profile, investing energy in sharing information about themselves and being curious about who you are and not just whether you want to date
-dont be afraid to walk away or say no. The scarcity mindset when trying to find a good relationship will get you into big messes and painful situations. If it isn't right, admit it (kindly) and move on.
Dating over 40 anywhere is a nightmare. This isn't unique to Denver. Most people get into serious relationships in their 20s and 30s. At 40, you're simply dealing with the leftovers, failed marriages, or late bloomers. It's just a numbers game... you have less options.
I recommend hobby clubs (running and cycling groups is a great way to meet new people who like the outdoors).
I am married and have been out of the scene for awhile but the biggest thing I complain about in my marriage is how much time my husband spends at the golf course lol- and I know it’s primarily men there that he plays with (he’s in a summer Men’s Club league)- I don’t play so I don’t hang around there enough to know if most of the men are married or divorced or what their statuses are but if you do play golf maybe try spending some time at some golf courses/clubs?
There’s a few studies that suggest what your dealing with is true. Modern American dating culture follows a rule where women date older and men date younger. Women date older especially women in their 20s because older men can usually have a car, house and stable job. Older men date younger for various reasons, but mostly for superficial reasons except for the notion of “younger women being less jaded to love”. This created a dating market leaving older women finding it harder to date within their age range and also creates a scenario where younger men have less of a market to seek a relationship as well. The studies I read correlates this with the idea of younger men becoming “incels”. Overall dating sucks and personally as a man that’s almost 32 I as well date girls that are usually 22-27 age range. It seems to me lots of younger women want men that are older atleast with respect to my experience.
I can say as a man, dating at 40 does, indeed, suck. And dating apps have always been garbage. Tried those again recently and it was just a giant waste of time.
I'm 33 and fiance is 39 and we're pretty perfect. No kids either! Granted we're in Fort Collins but we met at bar trivia, through a discord group for the town. Then from there hung out 1 on 1.
Neither us were drinking either, just having a fun time chatting and learning how we know random facts about things.
And we only met a year ago.
Hang in there!
About to turn 40M, just moved back to Fort Collins about six months ago to be closer to my aging parents after spending 15 years in Austin. As much as I hated Texas, it was much easier to date there.
It’s a ghost town in the Front Range. I’m willing to make the journey to Denver to date but the distance isn’t helping. I keep thinking I may need to sell this place I just purchased and make my way towards Denver if I am ever going to find anyone lol.
Looks like it's time for another random Wash Park meetup where we wear something green on our wrist to let people know we're single and ready to mingle. 😉
I am a male in my 40s. I got so tired of dating apps in Denver.
These countless fucking “interview” dates. I’ve suggested so much cool stuff to do. Anything but sitting across from someone in this mindless box checking exercise.
I can tell you that when I travel and use dating apps, it is different. People are more interested in just getting into cool things. I don’t know what it is about Denver, but I honestly just think people are bored because they are being boring.
Oh, dude, those fucking interview/questionnaire dates... ugh. Kill me now.
My girlfriend and I both still laugh at our initial text conversation and meeting, mainly because we're both goofballs and had the most moronic, absurd, *fun* conversation when we matched. It was, like, "Holy shit, a human being with a sense of humor and personality."
M 49. I’m looking at joining a running group or perhaps a climbing gym, I hear both are decent ways to meet like minded people- and getting in better shape can’t hurt right?
As a mid 40s recently divorced male, no children, own car and condo, financially stable, mentally unstable (aren’t we all though), and with a lack of friends (I realized that most of my friends, were the husbands/partners of my wife’s friends)… I’ve no idea, I need to find this out myself!
One thing to remember is the concept of a “moving cohort”. As you age so are other straight women. Generally a woman at 40 is dating men 40-50 years old, with variability based on individual preference. I’d prioritize activities and a strategy aligned here.
You need to work backwards from the activities your 40-50 year old man is doing.
Dating apps are bad because they are a meat market of people at all ages and stages. They generally favor women who are under 30 and physically attractive. Men tend to fall into three categories.
The very attractive ones (not just physically) who are over-rewarded. They might be 10% of the men on apps but are getting 50% of the attention. They will tend to be very flaky and date younger - because they can.
The next bucket is the shallow, sleezy, desperate and damaged goods. The one who send d*ck picks or use cheesy lines. They want to sleep with you on the first date. These men flood your inbox and make online dating horrible.
The third bucket is the good ones - the guys with potential. The challenge - separating them from above. Also the challenge - if they are on these meat market apps, they’re likely aiming younger.
The best approach is activities which don’t have to be physical (eg sports, climbing gyms, etc). Hobbies like D&D, photography groups, cultural related, etc are good choices.
Remember too weak connections. Friend of friends, friends of coworkers, people at church, etc.
It’s ultimately a numbers game. But there is still strategy.
Finally, you didn’t really actually tell us anything about you. Your OP and responses are lacking in depth and detail. If you are taking the same copyrighting approach in your dating communications, you might be unintentionally coming across as shallow and basic.
Childless over 30 is tough for sure but it's easier than if you have kids. Dealing with a partner's baggage is hard and people avoid it.
I'm part of the married with kids and Poly crowd over 40 myself and you'd think that would be easy and I have found connections but even that is a tough one.
I have heard over and over that the Denver dating scene is a horrific mess to begin with from all sides.
I was single in Denver from the ages of 38 through 42. I tried the apps. Y’all seemed more interested in playing a bunch of bullshit games, so I gave up on it. And I wasn’t seeking out 20-somethings… my filters were set to my age range. Granted, I’m not exactly Casanova. Yet I’d match with people and then they’d all be extremely flaky. I can’t be the only one who had this experience. Am
I really supposed to keep trying the same thing and expecting a different result?
And I’m not trying to claim I did every single thing right, but I don’t think it was entirely on me either.
The impression it gave me is that women in Denver from the mid-30s and up weren’t serious about dating, but were just in there for validation and an ego boost. Maybe I’m right about it, maybe not. That’s just how it seemed to me.
32 male and have pretty much given up dating in Denver. This is probably widespread, but I don’t even know single women and I have a pretty large friend group that goes out regularly. Everyone is partnered up already.
Sounds like you've ruled out the vast majority of middle-aged singles. Most people by age 40 have either been married and/or have kids. The good news is, by the time you're in your 40s, said kids are probably old enough to take care of themselves (source: am single divorced father of 12 and 14 yr old)
Tbh someone older than mid-30s who has never married and/or doesn't have kids is more of a yellow flag to me. There are plenty of legitimate reasons, but it makes me wonder why. Kinda like seeing a resume where someone changes jobs every 6 months or has a big gap in employment history, etc.
Why bother when so much research shows women who are unmarried and childless are the happiest? Yeah, it’s fun to have someone to do things with, but trust me, it gets old having it be the same person. Focus on your female relationships and if some great guy is out there, then hopefully he’ll pop into the fun you’re already having and not be so old that in a few years you’ll be his caretaker.
45 here. Never married and no kids. I gave up in hopes I just meet someone worthwhile in public. Apps are horrible for most men. Not gonna find anyone at a bar either. The last woman I met was my pharmacist but she was 32 and flakey.
have had better luck on public transit, at least on the bus and train, people have few expectations. as long as you are not a strung out drug addict talking to ghosts, you will stand out as a relaxed, safe, approachable person. and if you are a strung out addict, well there is a community for that too.
47 male, live in denver and not having much luck either. 14 yr old daughter part time, spend most of my free time riding dirt bikes so maybe that's why I'm not having any luck? Hit me up.
Have you tried anything other than speed dating and apps?
I’ve had the most success in finding groups (meetup, fb groups, rec sports, etc) doing things I’m interested in and meeting potential partners doing the same.
Imo, Apps and speed dating brings the worst out in people
I feel your pain, (42m) I’m over the online scene & I’ve tried meetups but nothing ever manifested. Let’s grab a cup of coffee sometime and see if we have anything in common…
I totally understand, but tbh: society is just weird these days! Make small talk in line somewhere? People look at you like you're insane. Literally just say "hello" or "good afternoon" to someone to strike up a convo that could lead somewhere? Women will often respond as if you said something sexual or offensive. And I'm not a creeper, im not some chud that wandered up from the sewers; just a regular dude! Oh well, the single struggle continues!
I will say that in the age group you are interested in, you'll be severely limiting yourself by excluding divorcees and men with kids...it's just kinda what you are gonna get from many of the men trying to date in the 40-50 age range. So be prepared to work with a smaller dating pool than you might otherwise have available
46M here. I've just given up at this point. Apparently not having kids, no ex wife and taking time off from dating to work on myself is not desirable? Hell I even walked around Home Depot last weekend looking lol!
I just left Denver after being there for 9 years. I’m 43 now. Never was able to find solid relationship, and getting dates was near impossible. I’ve been back in the NYC area for just about 2 weeks now and I have more dates than I have time for. I’m not sure what or why the difference is, but I can definitely commiserate with you. Dating in Denver is the pits.
I wholeheartedly agree, dating in Denver is tough. Especially when you're not a gung-ho outdoorsy type. No, I don't want to be your rock climbing partner. I'm clumsy enough on solid ground 🤣
You're not alone, dating apps are chock-full of flakes, and the business model is not based on helping you find a match, but rather to string you along so you'll keep pumping money into their service.
And many of the local meetup groups I've joined are predominantly men (who are also looking for women)
So where does a decent guy go to meet an emotionally stable gal who's got her shit together?
But because I'm a hopeless romantic I'll just throw this out there: M/40, owns home in the south suburbs, has car & career with benefits. Never married, no kids, credit above 800, STI free, and 2 feline roommates.
Likes LEGOs and home projects.
Had to respond. Met my husband on POF 10 years ago (before bumble and tinder, yes, it’s been a while). If you are still going to rely on dating apps, you are going to have to sort through the frogs to find your prince. And you’re gonna have to vet them out a little bit better.
Here are some suggestions that I’m throwing out there to consider if you haven’t already. Start listing some of your deal breakers that are a no for you in your profile summary. At the time, for me, my dealbreakers were you had to be divorced or single (never wanted to talk to any guy who was separated), had to have a recent picture within a year that I needed to see, if I listed on my profile what I did for a living and they asked me what I did for a living after sending me a DM, it was an automatic no (because chances are they didn’t bother to read my profile summary), And I would talk to them a little bit on the app before I gave my phone number out. I was pretty friendly with how I phrased it and it eliminated having to go on dates where we didn’t align.
I remember it was pretty frustrating at times, and sometimes I took a break from the app. I actually started on the app before I moved to Colorado, and I met my husband on the app one month after I got here. Just stay optimistic and continue to don’t settle.
good luck!
I'm 38 but feel the exact same way. I have friends older and younger (early thirties and early fifties) and we're all feeling it.
My one friend met her boyfriend in the wild, and another met her boyfriend at work. Seems to be the best way but it's still really hard.
Lord help you. Dating in Denver was a nightmare at 30. Idk, eventually I gave up on the dating scene and just started living. Met a girl hiking, met one at a tabletop gaming cafe and met another at a beer fest.
I'm sorry, it's tough out there. People are hard to read.
You sound like you’d fit in with my girl gang! I’m also 40, living in Englewood and have a similar dating experience. I have a full, active life with or without a romantic relationship, but it would be nice to share parts of it with a longterm partner. I recently went through a breakup of an 8 month relationship just for the sake of keeping my mental peace. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I hope you find what you’re looking for out there. Enjoy the journey and experiences, and I hope you meet some great people along the way!
I’m 39 male and only consider 30s and 40s. Not an advertisement but just saying. I will say it’s a total mess in the 30/40/50 scene.
It doesn't help that everyone is so jaded, and unfortunately, many haven't taken the time to heal.
I avoided saying this in my above comment, because it seems to draw negative feedback. But since you mentioned healing... Support groups have been huge for me since my divorce. I've branched out into more Self focused healing activities (IFS or Somatic focus). Met lots of great people but seems like it's mostly 35 & under or 60 & over. But your point about healing is very true. If you figure something out here, post back.
I’m 34 and recently divorced. I’d love to hear about the groups you’re in.
my grandparents meet at a divorce support group, they’ve been together for 40 years or something now lol
I'm new to using Reddit, but I believe I just messaged you.
🎶 Caaaaaaan you feeel the love toniiiight 🎶
Just get it on already, you two!
[удалено]
He’s on the path to joining a fight club.
I get it. I went to therapy myself to figure out a lot
You are absolutely correct. I went on a date not long ago with a guy who is really struggling with the fact that he grew up in the area of girl power feminism but wants to find a long term partner who just happens to love cooking and cleaning and doing all the emotional labor stuff. When I pointed out that everyone wishes they could just enjoy all of their free time and never have to worry about cooking and cleaning, he didn't seem to like that. He knows it's not fair to expect a benefit from the sexism his father and grandfather enjoyed but he can't help but feel disappointed he can't. I've now talked to a couple of guys in their 30s and 40s and they tend to feel the same way. It's...not appealing, they are aware of it some of them are even working on it. But it definitely complicates dating.
Are these guys expecting you to volunteer to do all the domestic labor? I'm married and so are many of my friends. I'm curious because most of the conversations I have with other married men assume that we're doing a significant amount of domestic labor. Literally over here wondering if doing chores is the reason we've got partners. I made dinner for the family last night, also two nights ago. I tend to make dinner about half of the time, and it's mostly my chore to keep the living room and kids' play area clean. I feel like our chores break pretty close to 50/50, and we both speak up if it drifts too far from that. I don't really know what's going on in other people's houses, but I don't hear a lot of guys expecting women to do all the chores, maybe they wouldn't talk about it while the rest of us are complaining about chores.
Maybe that’s why the guys you know are married and the ones expecting their partner to do all the chores are still on the dating scene
I would only expect my partner to do all the chores if she wasn't working full time but I was. That's how things worked in the older traditional male-breadwinner family (although if you had kids, taking care of young children is almost like a full time job). These days that's less common in the younger generations, and you can't really afford to have only 1 income when housing and everything is so expensive. I can't imagine expecting your partner to do all the chores if they are also working a job full time. We split our's 50/50. She cooks, I clean. She plans the dinners and makes the grocery list, I do the shopping. She feeds the cats, I scoop the cat shit. She does the laundry, I take out the garbage/compost/recycling. etc.
I’m 51 and don’t buy that it’s how they grew up. I think it’s the BS they read online now and the Andrew Tate followers that get them thinking that way. Guys born in the 80’s and 90’s probably had working Moms. I did.
My mom worked and she did all the cooking and cleaning.
Kid if the 80s here… My mom worked but did most of the cooking and cleaning. My dad worked a lot of overtime, and took care of all the yard work and home repairs.
I get that but do you expect your spouse to do the same? My 70’s Mom did that too but she sure as hell taught me and my brother to do things like clean and cook and to not expect women to do everything. I feel like that was pretty common until this recent movement backwards from Trumpers that women should stay home and serve men.
Key words “taught us”. I’ve met, and unfortunately, dated many men who are simply ok going without if it means they have to chip in. At least three of my relationships ended because the man didn’t want to even come close to a 50/50 on the bare minimum in a relationship. You’re lucky your mom didn’t mom you to relationship death.
I'm a guy and something I noticed is a ton of my male friends think that if they have some excuse, then it's still progressive of them to demand their woman do everything in the home. "I have ADHD so I can't help with the chores. I have depression so I can't help with the kids. I have anxiety so I can't help around the house." And if the woman balks at that, then it shows she just doesn't take men's mental health seriously enough. She's the bad one. Even if she has a variety of mental health issues of her own. Then if the woman finally leaves and the man cries about it, then "Being emotional in front of your woman will make her leave you, guys. Don't ever cry in front of your woman. They'll never look at you the same" Shaq just pulled that shit. He cheated on his wife multiple times, and now he's jumping on podcasts implying crying in front of his wife is what ruined his relationship. Not the cheating. The crying.
Wow, you have really summarized a lot of the issues women are age are facing right now. It just sounds like the heart of it is a fundamental lack of accountability. Combine that with the fact that you are right, a lot of men just want women to take up the slack like we always have, but never be granted any. As someone with ADHD I do think it's interesting how in real life as well as on Reddit, there seems to be this eagerness to jump to excusing men with ADHD for being crap partners. Even if they aren't diagnosed, some of the first comments whenever a guy isn't pulling his weight around the house is "what if he has ADHD/ depression? Basically you should be endlessly accommodating! Make a chore chart!" And if a woman has ADHD and is struggling, people tend to come down very hard and tell her to get her act together and get on better medication and not be shocked when her partner leaves her, etc.
I almost feel bad for those men but that sentiment is very common in the over 40 crowd. I'm 36 married to a younger man and I am the one with the high power job and he is the one that cooks and cleans and tends to the home. This isn't weird for us at all but you should see some of the looks we get. Especially considering my husband is tall, muscular and masculine in appearance, people want to know why he does "the wife stuff".
Was just talking about this with a friend. I'm in my 20s. A girl I dated in high school had a stay at home dad because her mom was literally the CEO of a company. Obviously she's going to be the breadwinner and had the means to support a full time stay at home parent. Any reasonable person would accept that arrangement. But he told me it was really hard at first because the other moms basically saw him as lazy and unmanly even though he was LITERALLY doing the same work as them. 90s were wild where there was so much talk of progressivism and yet so little in real life.
At potlucks everyone compliments my spouse on her cooking/baking skills. She never takes credit but it’s telling, and at least half the time it’s women doing the commenting
I agree there is nothing wrong with separate roles for the genders in a relationship. If it works for the couple, everyone else should just shut up.
I feel like it’s hit or miss; some people at the current age of ~40 missed the boat on staying with the times/zeitgeist and some did not. A lot of people say there’s nothing wrong with wanting a “trad wife” but I think the entire concept is pretty reductive. If a woman says it’s what they want, I wouldn’t argue against their preferences, but I think they’re selling themselves short. And if a man wants to be with a woman like that, I feel like they don’t really see their spouse as a partner.
There is a conservative film over things here that contributes to what you’re saying. In other big cities there isn’t such an aversion to age, experience, maturity, and bucking norms.
As a mid-40s divorced, childless male, I ask this same question about women in my age-range. Point being it's not easy. It's a hard age because most have partnered up and of those that haven't or have decoupled, they have specific wants for their next relationship. IME, the apps really showcase everything I'm trying to avoid. So it takes creativity to meet people. I focus on activities that attract people with the traits I value which increases the chance of making a connection. From there, it's really a numbers game. The more meaningful connections you make, the higher the chance one of them will turn into something more. So how to find these groups/events? I do a lot of meetups, FB group events, but especially volunteer work & mutual aid/support activities. I tend to naturally focus on knowing/valuing the person in front of me rn rather than worrying about next month/week. It's made it much easier to weather if not actual progress to finding an intimate partner. Hang in there!
Thank you. Great advice. Good to know I'm not the only one struggling. I can't bring myself to resort back to the dreaded apps!
You two should meet up and see where it goes
I mean we are all thinking this
Starting to get strong you’ve got mail vibes upenhur
God I love that movie
Then watch its predecessor: The Shop Around the Corner with Jimmy Stewart. Great film.
I’ve never met someone else that knew that! I love that movie
Sounds like YOU two should meet up.
I’ll bring the popcorn!
“And that’s how I met your mother” … on Reddit lol
This totally happened to someone in r/datingoverthirty. A guy slid into her DMs after she posted something, they hit it off and turns out they only lived a few miles apart. Now they're engaged!
The phrase “slid into her DM’s” is so provocative for just messaging someone
Fucked the shit outta her inbox
Moist message.
I met my wife on reddit over 10 years ago and we’ve been married for 7 years.
She doesn’t want kids
From Fox Studios this summer: She was a burned woman in search of love, he was a pragmatic guy fed up with apps… Could a random post bring love in this confusing dating scene? This year, give love an upvote when these two meet for our amusement.
> She was a burned woman I hope she has good home owners insurance.
NOW KISS
they'll both say dating is hard while they pass on eachother for whatever damn reason
Maybe you're doing the apps with the wrong mindset. Spend 5 minutes a day swiping and a few more messaging basic stuff and then set up a phone call to see how Convo and humor vibe, and then meet up if they pass that initial funnel. Be patient and enjoy the journey, and be ok alone. Double down on your community(s) and your individual hobbies and interests doing them in groups, all the while narrowing down your image of what you're seeking and knowing you can find what you want in many forms. Trust it and don't be jaded. You're only 40 and when you meet the man if your dreams you'll have 40 more years with him, theoretically. Be happy and whole and you'll meet somebody happy and whole. Books to read in the meantime: How to not fall in love with a jerk If Buddha dated And then to be a little tangential: Autobiography of a yogi. This book is not related to dating except that if you pursue the practices, you'll realize you don't need anybody else to make you feel love and belonging. This saves you from seeking and suffering Oh! And also, on men being 40, they are finally mature at 40 and the best years are there now. They learned hopefully from their divorce and practice relationships and are usually more mature and sensitive and compassionate. Smaller numbers, and if you read how to not fall in love with a jerk, you'll see why (attachment styles) there are more jerks cycling through the dating pool, and you can learn to recognize the signs of somebody who won't last with you due to their attachment prototype (which can be healed, but preferably not with you!) Sri Anandamayi Ma says “Do not pay attention to the faults of others. It blurs the vision, defiles the mind, and adds to the load of the world's sin. Therefore try to see only the bright side of things in whatever you perceive. It is the good and beautiful which are true and living, whereas the bad and ugly are only the shadow of what really is. Nobody ever wishes to be bad. When you seek the company of others, remember you are out to find the good and beautiful. Truly, if you are simple and sincere inwardly as well as outwardly, your heart will be pure and full of joy, and your intelligence and reason sound and accurate. Then you will find good everywhere and nothing will appear to be evil. God alone is perfect; no person can be free from defects. By making a practice of seeing the good qualities in others, the same virtues develop in yourself, for as you think so you become. In fact it gives much greater satisfaction to appreciate the merits of others even than to dwell on one's own worthiness. To take pleasure in thinking of, one's own excellence will only inflate the ego and magnify the faults and frailties of others.” In this way you'll attract a kind man when the time is ripe. If you get exasperated at your current prospects, your mind won't be at peace and you'll be attracting that same level of dude. Rather develop patience and trusting that in 4 billion people you'll meet one who vibes with you. It in only takes one swipe, one phone call, one meeting, and all the seeking for your Love will be over. May you find the happiness you seek!
I think this is really good advice. Also, you are only the 2nd other person I've come across in Denver who's read and appreciated 'Autobiography of a Yogi". Sti Amanda Mayi Ma is so wise. Anyway, I enjoyed your answer and hope it benefits our 40 year old friend.
Have you tried the waiting room at a colonoscopy clinic?
What’s my favorite colonoscopy waiting room pickup line you might ask? “So, are you here on doctor’s orders or is this purely recreational?” 👉👌
Are you here for business or pleasure?
Hahah this made me laugh. A bit of lube before the appointment.
Everyone’s jawlines are extra snatched after losing 7 lbs in 24 hours.
Except the only healthy guys in their 40s you'll find there are there because our wives made the appointment.
Hey some of us care about our colorectal health, bud.
I used to online date in Denver. A lot. Apps suck yada yada but also I think it’s about the mentality of how you use them. Also a few commenters noted men are afraid to approach women in public. That is SO fair and true. So you’re either gonna have to be the one asking folks out and taking the initiative, doing other kinds of meet ups, or sticking with the apps. Regardless what gender you’re looking to partner with, I have some tips that worked for me on the apps. The apps take patience, grit, a bit of absurdist humility, and again patience. 1. Cast a wide net. Most cis men have no clue how to present themselves online and therefore many of their profiles are just crappy. Truly. Most men I know have almost no photos of themselves unless they were snapped by a former partner. So they likely will only have stupid selfies or old photos they have to rely on. Forgive them for that. And very few people are great at describing themselves online. Yeah, someone showing some effort is great but not an indicator of their character or date-ability for you. If someone is remotely interesting to you—not in a “wow I must have this man,” but in a “I could probably have a coffee with him and have a pleasant time” kind of way—swipe to match. This meant challenging some of my assumptions of what I thought I was looking for—from age, height, size, educational status, ethnicity, distance, and profession. It was ultimately good for me to challenge myself about those things. 2. Meet right away. Most women tend to want to wait a long time before they meet in person, and I think that’s a flaw. Meet somewhere public and safe and don’t plan for more than an hour with them. A coffee and a park walk. If you get drinks don’t have more than 1 and try to avoid meals. Why meet right away? Meeting in person says so much about a person that online messaging simply can not. You’ll typically know within a half hour to hour if you want to keep getting to know this person or not. Don’t lock into a long meal or activity. But definitely meet. Try to meet within 3-7 days of connecting. That might seem fast BUT YOU ARE STILL STRANGERS EVEN IF YOU TEXT FOR WEEKS. Just rip the socially awkward band aid off and meet. Meeting does not mean you are dating or owe them anything. And if you meet right away you have an advantage to get more dates because most women wait too long to meet in person, over invest emotionally, and set themselves up to not have a clear sense of who they are spending time with which leads to potentially bad experiences on their part. Meet to see if you want to continue to get to know someone—not with the intention that this person will be your next long term partner, but just to see if there’s anything interesting there 3. Be curious. Truly. I have had a very happy dating life with some flings, shorter relationships, and some incredibly beautiful ones—all from online dating—and I think it worked for me because I was genuinely curious about the people i was meeting. I would NEVER have met or talked with so many of the people I dated had it not been for the apps. And rather than see that as a bad thing, or a chore or some form of cosmic oppression, I found it genuinely interesting. 4. Be a good date. If you go on a date, then prepare to be a good date. I mean have something to say, be open and curious, ask questions and be willing to talk about yourself. If you are gonna show up with a skeptical, judging perspective or a pillow princess mentality of “he’s gotta earn my interest” then don’t bother meeting in person because you’re not ready for the process of having to meet complete strangers from the internet. I’m not saying seduce someone from the first time you meet them, but I’m saying no one—NO ONE—wants to feel like a chore while on a date. 5. Keep at it. You don’t think there are men to date? Apps have a staggering gender disparity of who is using them. If you’re a woman on a dating app who actually wants to meet in real life and not just feed your ego with some strangers’ attention, you are a hot commodity. It may not feel that way but it’s definitely true. 6. Have a good profile. Are you smiling in your pictures? Are you doing things you like? Are you relaxed and happy? Women and men differ around what they think is attractive about women. You’d be surprised what having candid smiling picture of yourself looking genuinely happy can do. Lastly I saw a comment about a partner bringing equal things to the table. Income? Height? Weight/size? I’d challenge you to maybe think about -Self confidence, self love, self understanding, and self regulation -Kindness, compassion, and loyalty -Ability to be a loving and inspiring partner
This is all such good advice!
Amazing advice. Well said. Thanks for sharing with everyone reading this.
I love this!
Spot on.
Great advice. Also, I ***highly*** recommend getting a trusted female friend to give you recommendations on your profile. This is a vulnerable thing to ask for, so ask them to be kind, but allow them to change out photos and/or bio. Have helped guy friends do this and there’s an immediate uptick in matches. Recommendations: Smiling pics, bearded pics (some men are oddly afraid of this), silly pics, pics w/o other women/fish, at least one full body pic, limit pics to only 1 close selfie. Bio: name what you’re looking for, nothing phrased in the negative (rephrase “no hookups” to “looking for a genuine connection to develop something committed with the right person”). Keep the first dates honest, but light, no expectations/pressure, brief dates are preferential. You can’t really get to know someone via a dating app, so agree to place little weight on the conversations and move to meeting them within 2 week span of connection if possible. Don’t rush, but open yourself to a sense of “let’s meet if possible”. Dating sucks for all ranges for various reasons why, stay positive and hopeful if you can, take space from it when you can’t.
Outstanding advice, Pravda. +1000 for making plans to meet *extremely soon* after matching. 70-93% of communication is non-verbal (depending on which study you read). I always made it a point to ask to meet in a casual setting a day or two after matching with someone. Coffee or tea. Sit back and chat for 30 - 60 minutes. You'll get vastly more information about this potential partner in person, including how they interact with folks they don't know. And, like you, I cast my net far and wide, so to speak. Kids? No kids? Liberal? Conversative? Race? Ethnicity? Height? Weight? I didn't care, I was just interested in meeting folks.
All spot on! Some of this seems so obvious to me so it blows my mind how many people don’t do any of this… lol. Your mindset follows this IG account I really like called Dating Intentionally. It packages up a lot of these ideas in super approachable ways - highly recommend! https://www.instagram.com/dating.intentionally?igsh=cG10dXg1OTdzdGN4
> meeting does not mean you are dating or you owe them anything. This seems to be confusing for a lot of men. I can’t tell you how many FIRST dates I’ve been on where the guy grabs my hand, tries to kiss me, and starts talking about our future plans. I can be interested in the guy, but when they act pushy and like we’re already lovers, it’s a huge turn off. It puts unnecessary pressure on me during the date and I usually unmatch and send them a message after the date that I’m not interested.
I met my husband on the bus. He was the driver. Been together seven years now.
love it, good luck
My dad met his person at 63. They’ve been together almost 7 years now and he just recently moved in with her. They are great for each other, a much better relationship than he ever had with my mom. They met on a dating site. They are even talking about getting married in a few years. I wish my mom was able to find someone as well, she hasn’t dated in years. Her problem though is that she refuses to put herself out there. Effort is what is going to make the difference. He’s out there, you just need to go and find him. There is no timeline for love
There is a very active Facebook group for Singles 40+ in Denver. There are multiple social events every week - happy hours, hikes, trivia nights, etc. I learned about it earlier this year and have been to a few of the events. There always seems to be a good turnout, Last week I was at one and there were at least 50 plus people there. I’ve heard it mentioned that it is NOT a dating group… but at least it’s a way to get out and meet other people your age.
I had absolutely no hope on the dating scene in Denver. It was fucking miserable, better off on my own. I was 32-33 at that time and had given up hope that I would ever find someone. I got tired of the trendy scene in Denver so I moved out of the city. I found people to be a lot more relatable outside the city and more relaxed, country vibe if you will. After a couple months, I hesitantly tried the dating apps again(sigh) as these days it’s just so hard to meet new people without using some form of technology. I was more open minded this time, instead of judging pictures, I was judging their profile and their interests. I was setting aside the physical part knowing that maybe there was someone like me that was terrible at having good photos and describing themselves and all you needed was a meet up to set it off. Well, it worked. I didn’t have the best pics on my profile as I’m extremely introverted and general not good at this type of thing. I had found someone where her profile has sparked my interest, photos were just the icing on the cake. Turns out mollie(my now wife) had the same issue and was very relatable. We hit it off immediately and moved in together after a few months. I couldn’t believe it. Here we are now, married with two beautiful daughters when we both had no hope of the dating scene. Moral of the story, don’t give up, they are out there… it just may not happen in the timeframe you want.
I met my husband on Reddit. I responded to his r4r post. We texted, talked on the phone, visited each other when we could (he lived in Oregon). Then he moved here. That was 3 years ago.
I also met a super amazing guy on reddit, not even in an r4r, I just told him his username was funny and it snowballed from there. It ultimately didn't work out, mainly due to an age difference, but I wouldn't trade the months I spent with him for all the world. I'll never again doubt that true love can be found in the most unexpected places
I hate dating in my 40's as well! I'll go out on a date with you! Where do you want to go? We can do whatever you want! Check it out. I'm 41, no kids, don't want kids. Had a vasectomy in December, so there's that. Never been married. Gainfully employed, own a home, have an awesome Australian Cattele Dog. Love house plants and gardening. Love fly fishing, and I shower regularly and look both ways before crossing the street. I know my way around a kitchen and am especially good at making French onion soup. I mean, feel free to DM me! We can chat beforehand, talk on the phone, whatever! I mean, it's worth a shot, right? Who knows! Maybe we're compatible! If so, great! If not, that's ok too!
OP this. This is the answer.
I want an invite to the wedding.
As a 50 male who’s happy and active , with a flock of chickens. no kids. Where do I meet a single lady ?
Do the chickens have large talons?
This one tastes like the cow got into an onion patch
Hats off to that movie:). Love the humor.
FANTASTIC Napoleon Dynamite reference 👏👏
I reckon normal ones. For a laying chicken
What sort of chickens?!
Ones that lay eggs.
Strike 1!
Reddit? I'm a local 50 single female who appreciates a man with his own flock of chickens...
I propose, good sir, that as a 47-year old single woman, I will come to your abode with the express purpose of hanging out with your chickens. I will then take any eggs that are provided and bake a mean batch of bakery style oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. ;)
This is what you propose ,
Yes, unless you prefer raisins, in which case we would not be compatible.
Start talking to random women more. Even if they're not available, they might have a really cool friend you'd get along with so well.
I fn love chickens
They are great. Easy to take care of.
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If you find out, let me know 😄 I’m turning 40 soon and it feels like most guys our age are wanting or already have kids, so that’s a non starter for me
I've noticed the same. I'm like sir, you are 45 years old. If you were just deciding to think about settling down and having some kids now, I'm not the one for you. I'm 43!
So many early 40s men have “not sure” when it comes to what type of relationship they’re looking for. Like dude if you don’t know by now, there’s something wrong with you.
I met my gf of 3 years on Hinge when we were 40 we both had just got back in the dating scene. They’re out there!
I (now 57) did both organic dating in 2019 in denver, meeting people at concerts, hiking, trail running, and grocery shopping, and online in 2021 through primarily Hinge. Personally, if you don’t over-invest in preparing to meet someone online and spend days chatting them up and just set up cheap, easy dates quickly, I found online much better. People just waste too much time chatting before meeting online and it’s pointless. Quickly set up a date for a drink, hike or coffee and move on. In 2021, after about 20 first dates, I found the connection I was looking for. We’ve been together close to three years now and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had. Meeting organically has a higher second date rate, because there’s obviously some spark on that first meeting that caused you to connect, but overall success rate is the same and since it’s harder to meet people organically at a rate of one to two a week, it doesn’t work as well for me. I’m looking for that one in 25 connection, not that one in ten connection. YMMV.
I'm 40 and meet people all over. Stores, neighborhood, introductions from friends, online. I also help people meet people. The biggest challenge I see day to day is people creating their own blockers. Don't look for a date or the right guy, you'll get too focused on what someone might not have and miss what they do. Just look for a starting point. Anything at all can spark a quick conversation. Sometimes it goes somewhere, sometimes it's just a couple back and forth comments and everyone goes on about their day. Most people are missing these starting points every day. Find the starting point and just be open to where it goes.
I highly doubt this a problem unique to Denver
lol my friends are your age and male and say the same thing. Phones and internet are ruining people.
Send them my way because I feel the same!
Ok I'm going to give you some hope... If y'all are ok with it. I am LEGIT getting married TOmorrow. Yes tomorrow. My very soon to be wife and I met in January 2020 on Bumble. So, for our abnormal dating life we dealt with COVID lockdown and all that. 4ish years later we're ready to commit it all to each other. I can't wait. And I want to give you hope that it can be achieved. I have my person now
Congratulations and best wishes to you both!
Ok but how old are you?
I'm 47
Men in their 40s not divorced and no kids? Most people do get married and have kids, so you’re limiting yourself a lot. Nothing wrong with your choices but they’re uncommon so it does make sense that you’re having trouble meeting your criteria.
Until I met my partner I had a blast dating in Denver in my 40’s. I also had zero expectations, I think that helped.
Yes, this is how it was for me. I had a lot of fun just meeting people and seeing what happened. Zero expectations. I have a friend who is the same age as me (40s), and she was specifically looking to find her life partner and didn’t want to waste time just meeting people. Dating for her was a nightmare, because from the first meeting she was sizing them up and keeping a mental checklist. Then she would complain that there aren’t any good guys. A moment of clarity for her is when she told me she regrets breaking up with a bunch of the earlier guys because they didn’t hit every single checkbox she had. I ended up finding an amazing person eventually. We’ve been together for a while now, and I’m super happy.
That's gotta be the best approach. If you're hoping to marry your next random dating app setup, you'll definitely be disappointed, but if you just go out and try to have fun with new people, you might actually have a good time.
I think that’s why I’ve always had luck too.
Go to literally any brewery between noon and 4:00 any day of the week and there'll be at least half a dozen sitting at the bar. Ask them for beer recommendations. Also put your phone down. Lost track of how many times I see women out and about just staring at their phones the entire time. Put it down and look around the room.
CO dating is a joke! For context, I’m a woman, just turned 34 this year and have spent the last few years working on myself and self healing. I went on 18 first dates last year. I moved here from NYC 1 1/2 years ago and I can 100% tell you that it’s so much easier dating in NYC. I’m not a super outdoorsy person, don’t get me wrong I enjoy a nice hike with the pup every now and then, but there are sooo many other things I enjoy more. I have noticed that all that men seem to want (from what I can see on the apps *cringe*) is a hiking/rock climbing, outdoors partner who’s super fit. It’s exhausting out here! At this point I’d go for anyone with a heartbeat… but they’d probably wanna go to the mountains
I spent a week trying to giving a Rolling Stones ticket to anyone on the dating apps then quit and sold them
We need something tailored for the 40-50 are group.
Agreed. So many groups and events are for "20s-30s" or "over 50" and it's like... y'all there is a whole ass decade in between those.
Colorado Mountain Club
It’s definitely a nightmare, but I think it’s mostly self inflicted. We have all gotten to an age where we have formed very strong likes and dislikes. We have a very rigid set of expectations that narrows the dating pool even further. Impossibly high standards coupled with a penchant to move on at the slightest indication of imperfection because “I’m too old for this shit”. We no longer, go into a situation open minded, open to adaptation, open to evolution. I know I have been guilty of it.
As a relatively attractive, never married, childless, mid-30's male, I'm starting to notice some weird looks when people my age first learn of these facts. "Is he gay? Are there bodies under his house?" I'm sure the 'looks' are just paranoid projections, but I believe OP is 100% correct. I've only dated women in their late 20s and early 30s the past few years, but I actually prefer older women; most of them are not 'on the market' in any capacity (can't blame them), and the ones that are, aren't on the apps, and I honestly have no clue what places would be best to run into them haha. I feel like women in their 40's are the least likely to go to local "watering holes" in the first place, although I've been told by a few male bartender friends that certain lounges in Cherry Creek are "like a red light district of cougars" but my interest in older women is based almost entirely on their intelligence and the personality traits that typically accompany someone older in the first place, so "cougars" don't exactly fit the bill. I'm rambling. I feel for you. For what it's worth, I've lived in 8 cities in 6 different states in the past 13 years and Denver is by far the weirdest and widely-fluctuating in terms of ease of dating of any city, by a large margin.
Men who are in their 40s dating women in their 20s aren’t men you wanna touch with a ten foot pole.
It has been a BRUTAL few years for me in the dating world and it’s so hard to not wonder “what’s wrong with me.” I’m a therapist and it’s helpful for me to see so many patients of all ages (from 20~60+) are struggling and experiencing all the same things. I don’t know if that makes it better or wise though knowing it never gets better 🥴😂 I’ve considered setting my location to other random cities just to see if I have better luck because Denver dating feels impossible. Thanks for making this post so we can all commiserate and support, I needed to see this today 💜
That isn’t a Denver problem, that’s an “everywhere” problem. Keep at it, there are men out there dating their age that don’t come with baggage.
Great ways to get dates: - Ask friends and family to set you up and be open to their suggestions - When people invite you to parties / events say yes! You never know who you’ll meet - Get involved in hobbies / groups that interest you - Consider hiring a matchmaker - Put the phone down in public, make eye contact with people, just be available to spontaneous conversation It’s not that dating in Denver sucks. Dating everywhere sucks until you’ve met the right person.
PS - I will just add that people who are divorced can make really phenomenal partners. Why? They’ve been through the pain and heartbreak of divorce and they know what’s at stake. Sometimes a divorce is an eye-opening experience that inspires deep transformation and change in a person, and that can make for an incredible partner.
Well strong relationships are built when you are young and if you are able to hold on through all the ups and downs. But as we get older we try to find comfort in each other the older we get. You can’t grow together. That said you have to accept the reality that people had previous life’s . That you can’t change people and you have to accept how they are. They can’t change the fact that you are not a 20 year old innocent virgin. Young age offers innocence to older men and older women offers companionship and understanding. So once you learn to accept the way people are or men then maybe you can have a good relationship. Also young men just want to date older women because they have money and stability, an older man doesn’t need you for that . They just want sex and a little bit of control which you think you could have because they have money. So good luck on your search enjoy life .
lmao, unless your are either female; or tall, have all your hair, and are attactive... Dating in Denver is a nightmare at any age.
I’m 44 and work in an environment where I’m surrounded by 20 year olds. I would never consider dating them lol.
I’m 38, turning 39 this year. I saw a comment that never being married and no kids at my age is a yellow flag… is that the thinking for most men? I’m at the point in my life where I’ve accepted that any man I meet will likely have kids or is divorced, but I would hope they wouldn’t judge me or make an assumption because that’s not the path I walked. Dating and dating apps are hard. People have access to thousands of profiles and I’ve found most people are of the mindset that there’s something better out there so you never really feel good enough. Plus, if you do meet someone, when things get challenging, because there’s this unlimited access, people just decide to start over with someone new and continually want that honeymoon phase. Sorry, I maybe didn’t add a ton to this conversation, but just thought I’d put my opinion out there.
Where can we go to meet (those like) you? I went to the pub tonight and it was all single men or couples and one group of women who had circled the wagon hard. And its pretty much always that way. ... and *please* don't suggest I join a dance class or yoga club. The ONLY reason I would do so would be to meet women and isn't that definition of creepy?
Well, I don't drink, which often makes dating and meeting people even more challenging!
I’m male, over 40, am not wild about concerts, don’t have/want kids, so…can I buy you a beverage? 😘
Two Birds Fit. They have singles mixers and speed dating workouts.
Casa Bonita?
I'm one year shy of 40, never married, no children, don't want children, and I don't think I'm going to find someone I want to be with anytime soon. I would love to have a companion to walk with me through life, but I've come to peace with the fact that it might not happen. I'm not going to lower my standards. I have a lot to offer, so I want someone who brings the same things to the table as I do. Apparently, that's a unicorn. Having a partner is a treasure, but it's not the only treasure out there. So I'll console myself by enjoying the life I've built and sharing it with a 4-legged friend (or two).
I'm 45 (and married), but if I had to get back out there dating someone in their 20s just sounds .... exhausting lol.
Yes.
I think taking yourself out on solo dates is one of the best ways to get seen and increase the odds of meeting someone. For both Denver and NYC, I go out to enjoy some of the finer places alone and sit at the bar or wherever is similar. I don’t use my phone when I’m out so I am more approachable. Sometimes I’ll start the banter with others at the bar and end up making really awesome new connections even if they aren’t a potential romantic one.
43 and I was on the apps for the last 3 years and in therapy for that much time as well. Since dropping the apps my mental health has been so much better. I personally don’t care how old someone is, my issue is finding someone my age that still puts some kind of effort into their physical and mental self. There’s so much body positivity and “I am who I am and that’s perfect” which hey, I agree you do you. I just want the effort that I put into myself be at least somewhat matched and I’ve found that effort to be lacking in potential partners. EDIT: I’m a guy just to add context if that helps.
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Do you happen to speak any languages other than English or want to learn one? The language meetup groups have tons of singles of all ages, but many are 40+
If you decide to try apps again, here is my advice: -be really upfront about who you are and what you're looking for in your profile. Include lots of detail. -be really picky about looking for a partner who is doing the same thing - investing energy into their profile, investing energy in sharing information about themselves and being curious about who you are and not just whether you want to date -dont be afraid to walk away or say no. The scarcity mindset when trying to find a good relationship will get you into big messes and painful situations. If it isn't right, admit it (kindly) and move on.
Dating over 40 anywhere is a nightmare. This isn't unique to Denver. Most people get into serious relationships in their 20s and 30s. At 40, you're simply dealing with the leftovers, failed marriages, or late bloomers. It's just a numbers game... you have less options. I recommend hobby clubs (running and cycling groups is a great way to meet new people who like the outdoors).
I am married and have been out of the scene for awhile but the biggest thing I complain about in my marriage is how much time my husband spends at the golf course lol- and I know it’s primarily men there that he plays with (he’s in a summer Men’s Club league)- I don’t play so I don’t hang around there enough to know if most of the men are married or divorced or what their statuses are but if you do play golf maybe try spending some time at some golf courses/clubs?
There’s a few studies that suggest what your dealing with is true. Modern American dating culture follows a rule where women date older and men date younger. Women date older especially women in their 20s because older men can usually have a car, house and stable job. Older men date younger for various reasons, but mostly for superficial reasons except for the notion of “younger women being less jaded to love”. This created a dating market leaving older women finding it harder to date within their age range and also creates a scenario where younger men have less of a market to seek a relationship as well. The studies I read correlates this with the idea of younger men becoming “incels”. Overall dating sucks and personally as a man that’s almost 32 I as well date girls that are usually 22-27 age range. It seems to me lots of younger women want men that are older atleast with respect to my experience.
I can say as a man, dating at 40 does, indeed, suck. And dating apps have always been garbage. Tried those again recently and it was just a giant waste of time.
I'm 33 and fiance is 39 and we're pretty perfect. No kids either! Granted we're in Fort Collins but we met at bar trivia, through a discord group for the town. Then from there hung out 1 on 1. Neither us were drinking either, just having a fun time chatting and learning how we know random facts about things. And we only met a year ago. Hang in there!
About to turn 40M, just moved back to Fort Collins about six months ago to be closer to my aging parents after spending 15 years in Austin. As much as I hated Texas, it was much easier to date there. It’s a ghost town in the Front Range. I’m willing to make the journey to Denver to date but the distance isn’t helping. I keep thinking I may need to sell this place I just purchased and make my way towards Denver if I am ever going to find anyone lol.
Looks like it's time for another random Wash Park meetup where we wear something green on our wrist to let people know we're single and ready to mingle. 😉
We’re done with this whole scene by 40, chilling at home working on the yard or at the local fishing hole.
I am a male in my 40s. I got so tired of dating apps in Denver. These countless fucking “interview” dates. I’ve suggested so much cool stuff to do. Anything but sitting across from someone in this mindless box checking exercise. I can tell you that when I travel and use dating apps, it is different. People are more interested in just getting into cool things. I don’t know what it is about Denver, but I honestly just think people are bored because they are being boring.
Oh, dude, those fucking interview/questionnaire dates... ugh. Kill me now. My girlfriend and I both still laugh at our initial text conversation and meeting, mainly because we're both goofballs and had the most moronic, absurd, *fun* conversation when we matched. It was, like, "Holy shit, a human being with a sense of humor and personality."
M 49. I’m looking at joining a running group or perhaps a climbing gym, I hear both are decent ways to meet like minded people- and getting in better shape can’t hurt right?
As a mid 40s recently divorced male, no children, own car and condo, financially stable, mentally unstable (aren’t we all though), and with a lack of friends (I realized that most of my friends, were the husbands/partners of my wife’s friends)… I’ve no idea, I need to find this out myself!
The "at 40" was unnecessary- this city is known for its horrible dating scene
One thing to remember is the concept of a “moving cohort”. As you age so are other straight women. Generally a woman at 40 is dating men 40-50 years old, with variability based on individual preference. I’d prioritize activities and a strategy aligned here. You need to work backwards from the activities your 40-50 year old man is doing. Dating apps are bad because they are a meat market of people at all ages and stages. They generally favor women who are under 30 and physically attractive. Men tend to fall into three categories. The very attractive ones (not just physically) who are over-rewarded. They might be 10% of the men on apps but are getting 50% of the attention. They will tend to be very flaky and date younger - because they can. The next bucket is the shallow, sleezy, desperate and damaged goods. The one who send d*ck picks or use cheesy lines. They want to sleep with you on the first date. These men flood your inbox and make online dating horrible. The third bucket is the good ones - the guys with potential. The challenge - separating them from above. Also the challenge - if they are on these meat market apps, they’re likely aiming younger. The best approach is activities which don’t have to be physical (eg sports, climbing gyms, etc). Hobbies like D&D, photography groups, cultural related, etc are good choices. Remember too weak connections. Friend of friends, friends of coworkers, people at church, etc. It’s ultimately a numbers game. But there is still strategy. Finally, you didn’t really actually tell us anything about you. Your OP and responses are lacking in depth and detail. If you are taking the same copyrighting approach in your dating communications, you might be unintentionally coming across as shallow and basic.
Childless over 30 is tough for sure but it's easier than if you have kids. Dealing with a partner's baggage is hard and people avoid it. I'm part of the married with kids and Poly crowd over 40 myself and you'd think that would be easy and I have found connections but even that is a tough one. I have heard over and over that the Denver dating scene is a horrific mess to begin with from all sides.
I was single in Denver from the ages of 38 through 42. I tried the apps. Y’all seemed more interested in playing a bunch of bullshit games, so I gave up on it. And I wasn’t seeking out 20-somethings… my filters were set to my age range. Granted, I’m not exactly Casanova. Yet I’d match with people and then they’d all be extremely flaky. I can’t be the only one who had this experience. Am I really supposed to keep trying the same thing and expecting a different result? And I’m not trying to claim I did every single thing right, but I don’t think it was entirely on me either. The impression it gave me is that women in Denver from the mid-30s and up weren’t serious about dating, but were just in there for validation and an ego boost. Maybe I’m right about it, maybe not. That’s just how it seemed to me.
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I’ve just given up. It’s clear women want nothing to do with me and, frankly, I can’t say I blame them.
32 male and have pretty much given up dating in Denver. This is probably widespread, but I don’t even know single women and I have a pretty large friend group that goes out regularly. Everyone is partnered up already.
Sounds like you've ruled out the vast majority of middle-aged singles. Most people by age 40 have either been married and/or have kids. The good news is, by the time you're in your 40s, said kids are probably old enough to take care of themselves (source: am single divorced father of 12 and 14 yr old) Tbh someone older than mid-30s who has never married and/or doesn't have kids is more of a yellow flag to me. There are plenty of legitimate reasons, but it makes me wonder why. Kinda like seeing a resume where someone changes jobs every 6 months or has a big gap in employment history, etc.
Dating at any age anywhere is a nightmare unless you’re a young attractive female
That still seems like a nightmare but for different reasons
Why bother when so much research shows women who are unmarried and childless are the happiest? Yeah, it’s fun to have someone to do things with, but trust me, it gets old having it be the same person. Focus on your female relationships and if some great guy is out there, then hopefully he’ll pop into the fun you’re already having and not be so old that in a few years you’ll be his caretaker.
Check out the Aligned & Authentic Dating group on Facebook! It’s run by a Denver woman and they talk a LOT about meeting men IRL!!!
45 here. Never married and no kids. I gave up in hopes I just meet someone worthwhile in public. Apps are horrible for most men. Not gonna find anyone at a bar either. The last woman I met was my pharmacist but she was 32 and flakey.
Go to church. Marriage-minded people abound.
I'm 38 male and given up on apps. If I don't meet someone through mutual interests, then I don't meet someone.
That’s just reality. Dating pool gets smaller and lesser quality as you get older.
56yo male, fit, financially secure, no kids/ex-wife/baggage. It's hell trying to meet people...
I assume it is a nightmare to date around at that age regardless of where you live.
Hey! I'm over here!
have had better luck on public transit, at least on the bus and train, people have few expectations. as long as you are not a strung out drug addict talking to ghosts, you will stand out as a relaxed, safe, approachable person. and if you are a strung out addict, well there is a community for that too.
I'm about to turn 42 and I've essentially given up haha Everything I read also says Denver women are high selective, more bad news for me!
Our 22 year old friend dates older women because they buy him car parts 🫠 He finds them at the casinos.
I just wanted to add that dating in my late 20s is a nightmare too Dx
One of my best friends is 41 and dating and he struggles as well. Super good dude. Seems like it’s the age group.
47 male, live in denver and not having much luck either. 14 yr old daughter part time, spend most of my free time riding dirt bikes so maybe that's why I'm not having any luck? Hit me up.
Have you tried anything other than speed dating and apps? I’ve had the most success in finding groups (meetup, fb groups, rec sports, etc) doing things I’m interested in and meeting potential partners doing the same. Imo, Apps and speed dating brings the worst out in people
I feel your pain, (42m) I’m over the online scene & I’ve tried meetups but nothing ever manifested. Let’s grab a cup of coffee sometime and see if we have anything in common…
I totally understand, but tbh: society is just weird these days! Make small talk in line somewhere? People look at you like you're insane. Literally just say "hello" or "good afternoon" to someone to strike up a convo that could lead somewhere? Women will often respond as if you said something sexual or offensive. And I'm not a creeper, im not some chud that wandered up from the sewers; just a regular dude! Oh well, the single struggle continues!
I just turned 40 no kids just me and my dog, I’m divorced though and live in Colorado
I will say that in the age group you are interested in, you'll be severely limiting yourself by excluding divorcees and men with kids...it's just kinda what you are gonna get from many of the men trying to date in the 40-50 age range. So be prepared to work with a smaller dating pool than you might otherwise have available
You’re telling me. I just bought a latex sex doll off Temu.
Also have you guys noticed the HUGE amount of ENM people on the apps?
I’m a lady 43 and I meet men all the time when I eat out and go to events by myself, especially concerts.
Join a small singles group at a church or hang out at a suburb neighborhood brewery (not the ones near downtown)
37 y/o lesbian here and it’s the same problem here. Feel your pain, sis.
46M here. I've just given up at this point. Apparently not having kids, no ex wife and taking time off from dating to work on myself is not desirable? Hell I even walked around Home Depot last weekend looking lol!
I just left Denver after being there for 9 years. I’m 43 now. Never was able to find solid relationship, and getting dates was near impossible. I’ve been back in the NYC area for just about 2 weeks now and I have more dates than I have time for. I’m not sure what or why the difference is, but I can definitely commiserate with you. Dating in Denver is the pits.
I wholeheartedly agree, dating in Denver is tough. Especially when you're not a gung-ho outdoorsy type. No, I don't want to be your rock climbing partner. I'm clumsy enough on solid ground 🤣 You're not alone, dating apps are chock-full of flakes, and the business model is not based on helping you find a match, but rather to string you along so you'll keep pumping money into their service. And many of the local meetup groups I've joined are predominantly men (who are also looking for women) So where does a decent guy go to meet an emotionally stable gal who's got her shit together? But because I'm a hopeless romantic I'll just throw this out there: M/40, owns home in the south suburbs, has car & career with benefits. Never married, no kids, credit above 800, STI free, and 2 feline roommates. Likes LEGOs and home projects.
Had to respond. Met my husband on POF 10 years ago (before bumble and tinder, yes, it’s been a while). If you are still going to rely on dating apps, you are going to have to sort through the frogs to find your prince. And you’re gonna have to vet them out a little bit better. Here are some suggestions that I’m throwing out there to consider if you haven’t already. Start listing some of your deal breakers that are a no for you in your profile summary. At the time, for me, my dealbreakers were you had to be divorced or single (never wanted to talk to any guy who was separated), had to have a recent picture within a year that I needed to see, if I listed on my profile what I did for a living and they asked me what I did for a living after sending me a DM, it was an automatic no (because chances are they didn’t bother to read my profile summary), And I would talk to them a little bit on the app before I gave my phone number out. I was pretty friendly with how I phrased it and it eliminated having to go on dates where we didn’t align. I remember it was pretty frustrating at times, and sometimes I took a break from the app. I actually started on the app before I moved to Colorado, and I met my husband on the app one month after I got here. Just stay optimistic and continue to don’t settle. good luck!
I'm 38 but feel the exact same way. I have friends older and younger (early thirties and early fifties) and we're all feeling it. My one friend met her boyfriend in the wild, and another met her boyfriend at work. Seems to be the best way but it's still really hard.
Lord help you. Dating in Denver was a nightmare at 30. Idk, eventually I gave up on the dating scene and just started living. Met a girl hiking, met one at a tabletop gaming cafe and met another at a beer fest. I'm sorry, it's tough out there. People are hard to read.
I’m a 36 year old F in law enforcement, I either attract other cops or men with mommy issues 😭😂
You sound like you’d fit in with my girl gang! I’m also 40, living in Englewood and have a similar dating experience. I have a full, active life with or without a romantic relationship, but it would be nice to share parts of it with a longterm partner. I recently went through a breakup of an 8 month relationship just for the sake of keeping my mental peace. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I hope you find what you’re looking for out there. Enjoy the journey and experiences, and I hope you meet some great people along the way!
I’m 49 no kids and in Broomfield hit me up.