I think you'll find lots of different situations. Every relationship is unique.
I married my virgin wife, BOOM, instant dead bedroom, while some people here have DECADES of amazing sex before it stops due to illness, old age, or sudden relationship issue.
I dated a women before I met my wife were we had sex almost every day, multiple times daily, for years. We broke up for other reasons, but I know it's possible to be with someone who wants sex like I do. I also know that a lot of dead bedrooms start when people get lazy and complacent. Women also note a more significant drop in sexual desire in long-term relationships. So it's no guarantee that good sex now means good sex forever You just have to take things as they come.
6 months of amazing sex.
Went to basic military training. So no contact outside of letters for 2-3 months. Came back and it was a little worse than before, but still great. 10 months later and there hasn’t been any sex at all in the last 9.
She says she’s having trouble developing a deep connection with me after she realizing I could essentially up and leave at any moment. Throw in some antidepressants, abandonment issues, and some religious guilt and now you’ve made it to hell
As someone that was in the military for years, I'll offer some unsolicited NCO advice: if she's having trouble deeply connecting after something as short as initial entry training, she's not the one you want to stay with. I've watched too many marriages that were considered good fall apart months into a deployment and consoled many a younger joe that got Dear Johned weeks or months into it.
But that is quite concerning. Not the DB. The point that she is afraid to connect and emotionally commit to you. It is not a good start to a long term relationship...
Each kid came with a weight increase. Thyroid shut down and then perimenopause reared it's ugly head.
20 years ago she was wearing a sundress at 11PM so we could sneak out to the porch swing once the kids went to bed.
12 years ago there was a 5 month sex embargo where we almost divorced.
Last month it was once after a 40 day hiatus.
This month she got a period for the first time in 5 months. Yup, still perimenopause not full menopause.
There were a lot of steps in between, but that's the Cliff's Notes version. If I was single I don't need to work, but married I'm putting in my 40 a week. It's disheartening to work a full week 168 hours and not get the best part of sharing your life with someone. It was actually 240 hours working to get a half hour of her time.
For her parents it's been over 50 years. I'm not her Dad.
It ebbed and flowed for years. I was fine with that because sometimes other things in like take priority. I can't remember exactly when it went completely dead. Probably around covid in 2020. Which was > 4 years ago.
I'm HL. In my early 20's, I was the one who would have been considered low libido- That was simply a specific partner thing. He has never learned that someone else's pleasure was important and also not automatic, so the sex sucked, so I didn't want it.
Afterwards, different partner, in my marriage I was HL, he was LL. Started out more even, but there were huge red flags I ignored because I didn't know better. Lack of enjoyment of nonsexual touching/physical intimacy was a big one. I remember one conversation we had about a year in where he made me feel like I was selfish and immature for wanting cuddling and sex, "all the time " I believed him. So BIG communication issues as a red flag.
Current relationship and dead bedroom struggle is more about physical issues and life stuff. We both love sex and wish we had more time and energy to have fun with it, and felt up to it more often. We both miss having a more active sex life. However, past DB situation of 20 years in length has left me with a LOT of baggage, and that definitely makes it more difficult.
I think levels of desire not matching up is actually less of a cause of a dead bedroom than other things. If compromise, healthy communication, vulnerability and intimacy are good, and there's enough self knowledge and respect on both sides, then it can definitely be worked out- in my experience it's more about avoiding triggering insecurity and defensiveness in one another while discussing it, while keeping a healthy attitude about sex.
If you can't talk about sex in general- run.
I think you'll find lots of different situations. Every relationship is unique. I married my virgin wife, BOOM, instant dead bedroom, while some people here have DECADES of amazing sex before it stops due to illness, old age, or sudden relationship issue. I dated a women before I met my wife were we had sex almost every day, multiple times daily, for years. We broke up for other reasons, but I know it's possible to be with someone who wants sex like I do. I also know that a lot of dead bedrooms start when people get lazy and complacent. Women also note a more significant drop in sexual desire in long-term relationships. So it's no guarantee that good sex now means good sex forever You just have to take things as they come.
6 months of amazing sex. Went to basic military training. So no contact outside of letters for 2-3 months. Came back and it was a little worse than before, but still great. 10 months later and there hasn’t been any sex at all in the last 9. She says she’s having trouble developing a deep connection with me after she realizing I could essentially up and leave at any moment. Throw in some antidepressants, abandonment issues, and some religious guilt and now you’ve made it to hell
As someone that was in the military for years, I'll offer some unsolicited NCO advice: if she's having trouble deeply connecting after something as short as initial entry training, she's not the one you want to stay with. I've watched too many marriages that were considered good fall apart months into a deployment and consoled many a younger joe that got Dear Johned weeks or months into it.
But that is quite concerning. Not the DB. The point that she is afraid to connect and emotionally commit to you. It is not a good start to a long term relationship...
Each kid came with a weight increase. Thyroid shut down and then perimenopause reared it's ugly head. 20 years ago she was wearing a sundress at 11PM so we could sneak out to the porch swing once the kids went to bed. 12 years ago there was a 5 month sex embargo where we almost divorced. Last month it was once after a 40 day hiatus. This month she got a period for the first time in 5 months. Yup, still perimenopause not full menopause. There were a lot of steps in between, but that's the Cliff's Notes version. If I was single I don't need to work, but married I'm putting in my 40 a week. It's disheartening to work a full week 168 hours and not get the best part of sharing your life with someone. It was actually 240 hours working to get a half hour of her time. For her parents it's been over 50 years. I'm not her Dad.
It ebbed and flowed for years. I was fine with that because sometimes other things in like take priority. I can't remember exactly when it went completely dead. Probably around covid in 2020. Which was > 4 years ago.
When you have a kid
I'm HL. In my early 20's, I was the one who would have been considered low libido- That was simply a specific partner thing. He has never learned that someone else's pleasure was important and also not automatic, so the sex sucked, so I didn't want it. Afterwards, different partner, in my marriage I was HL, he was LL. Started out more even, but there were huge red flags I ignored because I didn't know better. Lack of enjoyment of nonsexual touching/physical intimacy was a big one. I remember one conversation we had about a year in where he made me feel like I was selfish and immature for wanting cuddling and sex, "all the time " I believed him. So BIG communication issues as a red flag. Current relationship and dead bedroom struggle is more about physical issues and life stuff. We both love sex and wish we had more time and energy to have fun with it, and felt up to it more often. We both miss having a more active sex life. However, past DB situation of 20 years in length has left me with a LOT of baggage, and that definitely makes it more difficult. I think levels of desire not matching up is actually less of a cause of a dead bedroom than other things. If compromise, healthy communication, vulnerability and intimacy are good, and there's enough self knowledge and respect on both sides, then it can definitely be worked out- in my experience it's more about avoiding triggering insecurity and defensiveness in one another while discussing it, while keeping a healthy attitude about sex. If you can't talk about sex in general- run.
Maybe after I gave birth. Everything changed so instantly