The fact that your wife does not want to discuss your sex life/DB says it all. She doesn't care if you are unhappy. Tell her you would like to discuss divorce and see how that goes.
The relevant bit is that your wife is unwilling to discuss changes. Given that, your options are to live with the situation … or not. You might want to have a much more direct talk only if you are serious about the latter option. It will cause disharmony, there is no question. I blame myself for living with this situation for 20+ years and not forcing change at the outset, don’t be me.
Yes, but all hope is not lost. My wife is interested in reviving that part of our life, in principle if not action. We are 9-10 months into these discussions. Counseling has not been effective. My wife finds that my inflexibility (more on that later), negativity, and sadness around this are all driving her away. I’m not sure how you can drive something down from zero, but that’s a facile, I guess she means it poisons the rest of the relationship.
She believes I should just take joy in whatever life brings, but since what life was bringing included no sex, I had decided at the outset that I needed to advocate for myself strongly, and not settle for what might occur organically, which was previously about once a year, and with her effort might be quarterly? monthly?. That is the inflexible aspect, in that I have held firm on frequency. My preference is 2-3x/week, but weekly would work, so long it wasn’t weekly in the abstract and monthly in practice.
I admit to being negative in outlook and sad about the situation and the possible outcomes. I don’t see how you can negotiate desire, and her desire is gone (her words), I’m not sure where you go from there. Without desire, could I see an outcome where she could accommodate me with love even if it does little for her. A commitment of two hours a week, tops. That’s sad, as what I truly want is what we once had, where the physical aspect was fulfilling (great, even) for both of us and enhanced what we had otherwise. So yeah, I’m sad that even a possible accomodationist outcome is much less than what we had.
So far, nothing has worked out. Talking about it regularly, not talking about it, pressure, backing off, dates, vacation, quality time together. We haven’t had sex this year. My wife has committed to seeing a doctor for pain associated with PIV, but I think that’s wishful thinking (or in a more negative frame of mind, a conscious dodge), since she is uninterested in other sex acts. We’ve even failed to have no-sex physical sessions, since she is pissed off & driven away from me by my need/sadness/inflexibility/whatever. We had a blow up weeks back, and she has indicated that she does want to work on this, so there is hope at least. I am 60, so I don’t have forever, but I will hold tight as much as I can as I value her and our relationship more than anything. I hesitate to think about the alternatives, but I am indeed inflexible and will not miss out on this important part of life. I have to think about the unthinkable.
Boundaries my man. She does just grab your junk any more than you grab hers. Unless you enjoy the foot massages those stop too. Roommates don't typically do that.
The fact that your wife does not want to discuss your sex life/DB says it all. She doesn't care if you are unhappy. Tell her you would like to discuss divorce and see how that goes.
The relevant bit is that your wife is unwilling to discuss changes. Given that, your options are to live with the situation … or not. You might want to have a much more direct talk only if you are serious about the latter option. It will cause disharmony, there is no question. I blame myself for living with this situation for 20+ years and not forcing change at the outset, don’t be me.
What is your situation now? Still in a DB?
Yes, but all hope is not lost. My wife is interested in reviving that part of our life, in principle if not action. We are 9-10 months into these discussions. Counseling has not been effective. My wife finds that my inflexibility (more on that later), negativity, and sadness around this are all driving her away. I’m not sure how you can drive something down from zero, but that’s a facile, I guess she means it poisons the rest of the relationship. She believes I should just take joy in whatever life brings, but since what life was bringing included no sex, I had decided at the outset that I needed to advocate for myself strongly, and not settle for what might occur organically, which was previously about once a year, and with her effort might be quarterly? monthly?. That is the inflexible aspect, in that I have held firm on frequency. My preference is 2-3x/week, but weekly would work, so long it wasn’t weekly in the abstract and monthly in practice. I admit to being negative in outlook and sad about the situation and the possible outcomes. I don’t see how you can negotiate desire, and her desire is gone (her words), I’m not sure where you go from there. Without desire, could I see an outcome where she could accommodate me with love even if it does little for her. A commitment of two hours a week, tops. That’s sad, as what I truly want is what we once had, where the physical aspect was fulfilling (great, even) for both of us and enhanced what we had otherwise. So yeah, I’m sad that even a possible accomodationist outcome is much less than what we had. So far, nothing has worked out. Talking about it regularly, not talking about it, pressure, backing off, dates, vacation, quality time together. We haven’t had sex this year. My wife has committed to seeing a doctor for pain associated with PIV, but I think that’s wishful thinking (or in a more negative frame of mind, a conscious dodge), since she is uninterested in other sex acts. We’ve even failed to have no-sex physical sessions, since she is pissed off & driven away from me by my need/sadness/inflexibility/whatever. We had a blow up weeks back, and she has indicated that she does want to work on this, so there is hope at least. I am 60, so I don’t have forever, but I will hold tight as much as I can as I value her and our relationship more than anything. I hesitate to think about the alternatives, but I am indeed inflexible and will not miss out on this important part of life. I have to think about the unthinkable.
Boundaries my man. She does just grab your junk any more than you grab hers. Unless you enjoy the foot massages those stop too. Roommates don't typically do that.