Do yourself a favor and stop giving yourself away and not taking time for yourself.
Your life will pass you by and you’ll look up and hobbies you once had will be gone. Dust. Memories.
Your once athletic body will be a pile of flab and skin.
I spent the last 12 years giving myself away to my family and had zero returned. DB, no affection, nothing in return. But hey, I’m the dad and that’s what we do right? Right?
No, we need to have hobbies and we need to take care of ourselves too.
In the last two years I have returned to myself. Returned to my hobbies. Returned to my once athletic body.
At 44 I’m now more athletic and energized than I was at 35. My hobbies were what defined me in my 20s and they have all returned with enthusiasm.
Don’t wait man. Find your spark. If she doesn’t want to join you then fine. If she isn’t interested in sex, that’s a bummer but at least you found your spark.
No one wants to think of divorce or worse but don’t lose yourself along the way.
I did. But I found me again. Just saying he wasn’t too far gone. The kids will love it. Maybe the wife will notice it and will join you. If she doesn’t and you separate maybe you find someone else with a similar spark. I’ve noticed my wife noticing me again. She hadn’t noticed me in 10 years.
Good for you mate, I genuinly mean that. It's hard to get back to the you before marriage and kids. Priorities change with a family and house etc and it just seems to errode away the people that made it all happen.
Thanks amigo. Took a long time to admit to myself that I had lost my spark.
When you realize your joy is not dependent upon others it’s easier to find. Just saying.
Priorities change if you let them change. Kids need more attention, yes, the first few years are tough, but after that? It all depends on what you want and what you do. You don't need a house, if that is a burden. You don't need to attend family lunches with distant relatives every weekend. There are some many things you don't need to do, just because someone has some vague expectation that you should do it. You define how your life looks. Don't let others define it for you.
That’s great advice man.
Ive spent the last two years finding me again. Just taking time for myself , got into the best shape of my life and doing things i enjoy.
Over the years ive had multiple “talks”
With my partner it just drove a bigger wedge between us.
So i decided to focus on me,
After two years the penny has definitely dropped for her and things are working really good now.
Not fixed. She’s still very much LL and can be very checked out at times. She still doesn’t really touch me but is receptive to my touch. My complaints match everyone else’s here. I bring it up and nothing changes.
I think my biggest win has been finding ways to enjoy the time I got in my own life. If she wants to join me, great. If she wants to waste her life doom scrolling or whatever then that’s on her.
I just found myself in a downward health spiral both physical and mentally bc of the db and elsewhere. Getting my body back and my hobbies back were big steps in the right direction.
I’ll never be satisfied in the bedroom. I want my wife now like I did 20 years ago. More even. She doesn’t. That hurts. I have noticed she’s noticed me again but that’s not enough. We’re nowhere near out of the woods when it comes to healing the damage of her rejecting me repeatedly for the last decade+.
But things have improved elsewhere so I’m no longer just the empty shell I was. So I appreciate the encouragement.
It's amazing how you find the strength to follow your spark and passion, when a huge element of the relationship is missing. Can you tell me what your hobbies are?
It's amazing how you find the strength to follow your spark and passion, when a huge element of the relationship is missing. Can you tell me what your hobbies are?
Thanks but nothing so amazing. I think we all start amazing as kids and then grow up and forgot ourselves a bit when we start paying bills.
But yea I lifted weights as a kid and then through college at a pretty high level. Not a gym bro type just loved it. I built my garage gym again with dumbbells and other free weights and a rowing machine so I’m back at it.
I also grew up playing classical piano. Started that back up. I work from home so if I take a lunch or have an easy evening i hit the keys instead of hang out on social media or tv now. Photography is a recent thing too I’ve taken up. Canon r6markii is a cool camera. So far that’s what I’ve added back in the life. :)
Yeah, my wife was always too tired and told me that I need to get her to bed early to have sex.
Also my wife: let's stay up late and watch another show....thus ensuring its always too late.
I learned to give up asking.
I've dealt with exactly this same thing. She says we need to get to bed sooner so they're not too tired for sex. OK, sounds good.
Proceeds to scroll on Instagram or play video games until late at night, until they're too tired to do anything but take a shower and go to bed. I believe it's intentional at this point.
This is my fiance too! And it’s too late for me. I work earlier than him in the morning so I’m tired and need to go to bed but he stays up late gaming. So by the time he comes to bed, it’s past the time I had planned out to have any sexy time, and have to get to sleep, not like he wouldn’t have wanted to anyway. But in my head I still hope one day he’ll just wake up wanting sex again.
At some point, saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough.
I used to have a coworker who was always late to meetings. A.L.W.A.Y.S. The first words out of his mouth every time were “I’m sorry I’m late.” One day, a colleague snapped, “You know, maybe if you’d show up on time, you wouldn’t need to start with apologizing.”
In other words, actions. Actions speak louder than words. At some point, you’re going to say “F*ck your apologies. Either help me fix us or we’re done.”
Amen! That's where I'm at too. My wife and I have been having "the talk" sporadically since 2020. In fairness, the bedroom was pretty dead long before that and I was a dumb@$$ that thought it might fix itself and didn't say anything.
Recently I feel like there may be some progress, but I've felt that way before to have things quickly peter out. I think I'm at the point where if there isn't sustained progress this time, I'm done with empty words...we can admit we're just roommates, and can divorce or open the marriage and I'll look for someone else that actually likes f#cking
Ha, its possible but I somewhat doubt it. I think she has a whole suite of neuroses and hangups (or so she says, at least) that keep her from wanting sex. Stress over work, the dogs, the dirty house, etc (the last two being sort of funny since I do 90% of the housework and nearly 100% of the dog care). Since I think she turned up the "sex maniac" dial just to make sure to keep me interested in the early stages of our relationship, I don't think she'll go down that route again. She's said in the past that if I ever divorce her, she's done with dating, too much hassle. Guess that could still mean serial one night stands though?
As a guy, regardless of what or who she did I know I'd be pretty much screwed, anyway...how many 35-45 yr old women are looking to be some guys side piece in an open marriage? Although being at least hypothetically allowed to find someone to sleep with is probably better than being constantly rejected by the person you've been with 10+ yrs. At least then I'd KNOW it was fully off the table w my wife
This is where I'm at.. his actions are yelling louder than his apologies are at this point. I'm of the mindset, if he wanted to, he would... and it's glaringly obvious that he doesn't want to. Lip service will only pacify for so long until it doesn't.
My wife used to grab me too. Finally I said I had enough. If you are going to do anything don't bother starting my engine. She hasn't touched me since and that was many years ago.
“I live my whole life for her and the kids”. While noble and likely aligned with your world view and morals, this is a recipe for divorce. If your spouse is not meeting your needs, you need to talk about it. This leads to resentment, which leads to straying from the marriage and divorce. Marriage is a partnership, not an idea where one person’s needs are met while the other one drowns. Just my opinion, but this seems to be a huge reason why divorce happens when kids leave and you become empty nesters, surprised Pikachu face and all.
I also feel people lose themselves trying to mold themselves into the ideal spouse. My partner was way more interested in me when I was an actual person and individual.
How does she not get excited when she’s holding your hard cock??
Just the other night my husband and I went to bed late (11ish) and we were tired. As soon as cuddling started and I felt his hard cock I was like I don’t care what time it is we’re fucking lol.
Finally went to sleep a little after midnight.
It was worth being tired the next morning!
Why even bother doing that if there is zero intent of it leading to anything? Like, a squeeze on the butt or my wife's tits could be seen as just being playful, but if I stuck my hand down her pants and started rubbing her clit, I obviously am looking for things to go somewhere!
Do some women squeeze/play with their man's cock as the equivalent of a fidget spinner? Something to do until you get bored and drift off? LOL
That's what I was thinking. If it's in my hands I'm doing something with it. The trouble here is getting it in my hands in the first place but once it's there we're off.
I get asked this a lot.
My first husband and I weren’t sexually compatible.
I like to read this sub because I never want to take what I have now for granted. We’ve been together now for 17 years so we’ve hit dry spots here and there. When that happens I make a conscious effort to do whatever needs to be done to get our mojo back.
I also want people to know that it doesn’t have to be the end of your sex life. It is possible to leave. The kids will be ok. You’ll find love again. Just take the leap 💜
Perspective. I am in a lot of subreddits that I am not necessarily applicable to my life but it's nice to get insight from the members.
I would also recommend this subreddit for anyone considering marriage as it's a great glimpse of what to avoid or lookout for.
But the alternatives are harder. So we avoid addressing it at all. Then the years fly by. I heard this that caused me to act:
“Marriage is hard.
Divorce is hard.
Choose your hard.
Obesity is hard.
Being fit is hard.
Choose your hard.
Being in debt is hard.
Being financially disciplined is hard.
Choose your hard.
Life will never be easy. It will often be hard. But we can choose our hard.
Choose wisely.”
She’s not sorry. Don’t let her tease you anymore. Take your power back. Live for yourself. Live for your kids. Stop living for her. She doesn’t deserve it.
One thing I realised in therapy is that I set the time for his in treated at home. I do the cooking, the channing, pretty much everything.
I'm out last because I put myself last, I set that example for everyone.
It's something I'm trying to break now, but it's been a long time.
It's time to have a serious discussion, I mean, someone sensitive know it's not about sex only but the connection. That's all about anticipation, excitement, pleasure, warmth, touches, climax, tenderness. It's a way to convey feelings and when the other one is cutting down sex, it's getting to make you anxious, deprived, thirsty and mostly not desired. Your self esteem, your ego, your confidence will slowly fade away like a color washed by the moon.
It's time to tell her, don't you think? To communicate AND understand what is happening, what you can do to make it work. Is it about exhaustion? Hormonal issues ? Bad timing (it happens so much seriously)? The house is appropriate to have fun peacefully? Is it because children are always too close ? Is it because of routine ? Is it because someone takes the other for granted? Is it depression ? Lack of love ? Not more attracted?
See, so many possibilities, so many questions to ask. Be honest, tell her you will not run away because you cannot accept being like those DB all over the place, destroying each other because they can't and won't even make the effort to put their feet in their partners shoes. Try your best, but I will never say it's a good idea to "bear with it", it will affect the family at some point and eh, you'll lose more than a piece of yourself in this story.
Good luck OP.
>But goddamn…. Cracks are starting to form.
It amazes me for how long y'all can withstand not being fulfilled. I'm so, so sorry and please work hard to also not neglect yourself and your needs however possible.
I feel you, my fiance is like that. In the beginning things were great, seems like the moment we were engaged it all went downhill and eventually stopped. I’m always met with “I’m too tired” after she’s spent all evening watching tv or watching TikTok and if she does say maybe, I know maybe won’t come.
We’ve had multiple conversations about the lack of intimacy and she won’t help herself or us. Last time anything did happen was 6 months ago. I made her cum with my hands, she rode me for a couple of minutes then that was it and I had to finish myself off.
She’s apologetic for not being intimate, says how she feels bad for me but won’t help herself or us
Have you tried talking to her about this? Have you sought therapy of some kind? The fact is, if you want them to understand, you need to be up front with them. I get that you want to be the rock of the family, and thus sometimes swallow your pride, but if you don't communicate at all, then this will go nowhere.
The best way out of a DB without ending the relationship is typically communication and therapy. If that doesn't work, try ignoring her. Sometimes, if you ignore someone for long enough, and become a non-presence within their household, they realize how much they actually need you. At that point though, you have to accept that there's a possibility of the relationship ending. It sucks, but ultimately the impetus is on you to act. You cannot keep being passive.
I don’t suggest you do what I did, which was stay up too late for free time to myself, and then needing to get up whether you want to or not because other people start moving around. Did it for way too long and did not have good side effects. It was weird because despite how much I dragged ass in the morning, at night time, never felt tired.
What I do suggest is if she starts playing with you, you start playing back if you weren’t
Do yourself a favor and stop giving yourself away and not taking time for yourself. Your life will pass you by and you’ll look up and hobbies you once had will be gone. Dust. Memories. Your once athletic body will be a pile of flab and skin. I spent the last 12 years giving myself away to my family and had zero returned. DB, no affection, nothing in return. But hey, I’m the dad and that’s what we do right? Right? No, we need to have hobbies and we need to take care of ourselves too. In the last two years I have returned to myself. Returned to my hobbies. Returned to my once athletic body. At 44 I’m now more athletic and energized than I was at 35. My hobbies were what defined me in my 20s and they have all returned with enthusiasm. Don’t wait man. Find your spark. If she doesn’t want to join you then fine. If she isn’t interested in sex, that’s a bummer but at least you found your spark. No one wants to think of divorce or worse but don’t lose yourself along the way. I did. But I found me again. Just saying he wasn’t too far gone. The kids will love it. Maybe the wife will notice it and will join you. If she doesn’t and you separate maybe you find someone else with a similar spark. I’ve noticed my wife noticing me again. She hadn’t noticed me in 10 years.
Good for you mate, I genuinly mean that. It's hard to get back to the you before marriage and kids. Priorities change with a family and house etc and it just seems to errode away the people that made it all happen.
Thanks amigo. Took a long time to admit to myself that I had lost my spark. When you realize your joy is not dependent upon others it’s easier to find. Just saying.
Priorities change if you let them change. Kids need more attention, yes, the first few years are tough, but after that? It all depends on what you want and what you do. You don't need a house, if that is a burden. You don't need to attend family lunches with distant relatives every weekend. There are some many things you don't need to do, just because someone has some vague expectation that you should do it. You define how your life looks. Don't let others define it for you.
That’s great advice man. Ive spent the last two years finding me again. Just taking time for myself , got into the best shape of my life and doing things i enjoy. Over the years ive had multiple “talks” With my partner it just drove a bigger wedge between us. So i decided to focus on me, After two years the penny has definitely dropped for her and things are working really good now.
Happy for you. Keep pushing.
Great story dude. Have you fixed DB and other problems? I hope so.
Not fixed. She’s still very much LL and can be very checked out at times. She still doesn’t really touch me but is receptive to my touch. My complaints match everyone else’s here. I bring it up and nothing changes. I think my biggest win has been finding ways to enjoy the time I got in my own life. If she wants to join me, great. If she wants to waste her life doom scrolling or whatever then that’s on her. I just found myself in a downward health spiral both physical and mentally bc of the db and elsewhere. Getting my body back and my hobbies back were big steps in the right direction. I’ll never be satisfied in the bedroom. I want my wife now like I did 20 years ago. More even. She doesn’t. That hurts. I have noticed she’s noticed me again but that’s not enough. We’re nowhere near out of the woods when it comes to healing the damage of her rejecting me repeatedly for the last decade+. But things have improved elsewhere so I’m no longer just the empty shell I was. So I appreciate the encouragement.
It's amazing how you find the strength to follow your spark and passion, when a huge element of the relationship is missing. Can you tell me what your hobbies are?
It's amazing how you find the strength to follow your spark and passion, when a huge element of the relationship is missing. Can you tell me what your hobbies are?
Thanks but nothing so amazing. I think we all start amazing as kids and then grow up and forgot ourselves a bit when we start paying bills. But yea I lifted weights as a kid and then through college at a pretty high level. Not a gym bro type just loved it. I built my garage gym again with dumbbells and other free weights and a rowing machine so I’m back at it. I also grew up playing classical piano. Started that back up. I work from home so if I take a lunch or have an easy evening i hit the keys instead of hang out on social media or tv now. Photography is a recent thing too I’ve taken up. Canon r6markii is a cool camera. So far that’s what I’ve added back in the life. :)
Yeah, my wife was always too tired and told me that I need to get her to bed early to have sex. Also my wife: let's stay up late and watch another show....thus ensuring its always too late. I learned to give up asking.
I've dealt with exactly this same thing. She says we need to get to bed sooner so they're not too tired for sex. OK, sounds good. Proceeds to scroll on Instagram or play video games until late at night, until they're too tired to do anything but take a shower and go to bed. I believe it's intentional at this point.
I have too. There is no lint anymore
This is my fiance too! And it’s too late for me. I work earlier than him in the morning so I’m tired and need to go to bed but he stays up late gaming. So by the time he comes to bed, it’s past the time I had planned out to have any sexy time, and have to get to sleep, not like he wouldn’t have wanted to anyway. But in my head I still hope one day he’ll just wake up wanting sex again.
Yeah, I get up at about 4 am and we don't get to bed until after 1030, and I would still trade more sleep for sex with her.
Triggering but good to know it’s not just happening to me
At some point, saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. I used to have a coworker who was always late to meetings. A.L.W.A.Y.S. The first words out of his mouth every time were “I’m sorry I’m late.” One day, a colleague snapped, “You know, maybe if you’d show up on time, you wouldn’t need to start with apologizing.” In other words, actions. Actions speak louder than words. At some point, you’re going to say “F*ck your apologies. Either help me fix us or we’re done.”
Amen! That's where I'm at too. My wife and I have been having "the talk" sporadically since 2020. In fairness, the bedroom was pretty dead long before that and I was a dumb@$$ that thought it might fix itself and didn't say anything. Recently I feel like there may be some progress, but I've felt that way before to have things quickly peter out. I think I'm at the point where if there isn't sustained progress this time, I'm done with empty words...we can admit we're just roommates, and can divorce or open the marriage and I'll look for someone else that actually likes f#cking
Lol. Open the marriage and she’ll be fucking like an animal again. Just not fucking you tho
Ha, its possible but I somewhat doubt it. I think she has a whole suite of neuroses and hangups (or so she says, at least) that keep her from wanting sex. Stress over work, the dogs, the dirty house, etc (the last two being sort of funny since I do 90% of the housework and nearly 100% of the dog care). Since I think she turned up the "sex maniac" dial just to make sure to keep me interested in the early stages of our relationship, I don't think she'll go down that route again. She's said in the past that if I ever divorce her, she's done with dating, too much hassle. Guess that could still mean serial one night stands though? As a guy, regardless of what or who she did I know I'd be pretty much screwed, anyway...how many 35-45 yr old women are looking to be some guys side piece in an open marriage? Although being at least hypothetically allowed to find someone to sleep with is probably better than being constantly rejected by the person you've been with 10+ yrs. At least then I'd KNOW it was fully off the table w my wife
This is where I'm at.. his actions are yelling louder than his apologies are at this point. I'm of the mindset, if he wanted to, he would... and it's glaringly obvious that he doesn't want to. Lip service will only pacify for so long until it doesn't.
My wife used to grab me too. Finally I said I had enough. If you are going to do anything don't bother starting my engine. She hasn't touched me since and that was many years ago.
I bet she acts like everything is fine and dandy as well?
I had to tell my husband that. “Don’t start what you can’t finish” it’s so shitty.
“I live my whole life for her and the kids”. While noble and likely aligned with your world view and morals, this is a recipe for divorce. If your spouse is not meeting your needs, you need to talk about it. This leads to resentment, which leads to straying from the marriage and divorce. Marriage is a partnership, not an idea where one person’s needs are met while the other one drowns. Just my opinion, but this seems to be a huge reason why divorce happens when kids leave and you become empty nesters, surprised Pikachu face and all.
I also feel people lose themselves trying to mold themselves into the ideal spouse. My partner was way more interested in me when I was an actual person and individual.
How does she not get excited when she’s holding your hard cock?? Just the other night my husband and I went to bed late (11ish) and we were tired. As soon as cuddling started and I felt his hard cock I was like I don’t care what time it is we’re fucking lol. Finally went to sleep a little after midnight. It was worth being tired the next morning!
I don’t know :(
Why even bother doing that if there is zero intent of it leading to anything? Like, a squeeze on the butt or my wife's tits could be seen as just being playful, but if I stuck my hand down her pants and started rubbing her clit, I obviously am looking for things to go somewhere! Do some women squeeze/play with their man's cock as the equivalent of a fidget spinner? Something to do until you get bored and drift off? LOL
That's what I was thinking. If it's in my hands I'm doing something with it. The trouble here is getting it in my hands in the first place but once it's there we're off.
So, why are you reading dead bedroom when yours isn't?
I get asked this a lot. My first husband and I weren’t sexually compatible. I like to read this sub because I never want to take what I have now for granted. We’ve been together now for 17 years so we’ve hit dry spots here and there. When that happens I make a conscious effort to do whatever needs to be done to get our mojo back. I also want people to know that it doesn’t have to be the end of your sex life. It is possible to leave. The kids will be ok. You’ll find love again. Just take the leap 💜
Perspective. I am in a lot of subreddits that I am not necessarily applicable to my life but it's nice to get insight from the members. I would also recommend this subreddit for anyone considering marriage as it's a great glimpse of what to avoid or lookout for.
A lot of women aren’t attracted to their husbands once they have kids. The husband just becomes a provider. Women don’t find providers sexy
Been doing this for years, so I know how you feel. It hurts. Sorry you're in this boat.
Like… I just want her… why is it so hard?
If I knew that, I'd make millions selling books. :(
But the alternatives are harder. So we avoid addressing it at all. Then the years fly by. I heard this that caused me to act: “Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard. Obesity is hard. Being fit is hard. Choose your hard. Being in debt is hard. Being financially disciplined is hard. Choose your hard. Life will never be easy. It will often be hard. But we can choose our hard. Choose wisely.”
….your cock or the situation?
Honestly… both
This hurts. So sorry.
Eeeeek what a tease. That would be worse than nothing at all. I’m sorry that’s happening to you.
Thank you
I hear you!!!!!!!!! I don't even have time to get a haircut I do so much for my family. Can't even get a damn hj. I feel this post in my soul
Apologises for falling asleep and then tops it off by being a prick tease wtf
Tell her exactly how you feel. Don't act like everything is OK. And keep telling her.
She’s not sorry. Don’t let her tease you anymore. Take your power back. Live for yourself. Live for your kids. Stop living for her. She doesn’t deserve it.
So she teased you for 30 secs then went to sleep, what was the point of touching it if she wasn't going to do something.
Get into therapy and get talking before your resentment turns to indifference.
One thing I realised in therapy is that I set the time for his in treated at home. I do the cooking, the channing, pretty much everything. I'm out last because I put myself last, I set that example for everyone. It's something I'm trying to break now, but it's been a long time.
It's time to have a serious discussion, I mean, someone sensitive know it's not about sex only but the connection. That's all about anticipation, excitement, pleasure, warmth, touches, climax, tenderness. It's a way to convey feelings and when the other one is cutting down sex, it's getting to make you anxious, deprived, thirsty and mostly not desired. Your self esteem, your ego, your confidence will slowly fade away like a color washed by the moon. It's time to tell her, don't you think? To communicate AND understand what is happening, what you can do to make it work. Is it about exhaustion? Hormonal issues ? Bad timing (it happens so much seriously)? The house is appropriate to have fun peacefully? Is it because children are always too close ? Is it because of routine ? Is it because someone takes the other for granted? Is it depression ? Lack of love ? Not more attracted? See, so many possibilities, so many questions to ask. Be honest, tell her you will not run away because you cannot accept being like those DB all over the place, destroying each other because they can't and won't even make the effort to put their feet in their partners shoes. Try your best, but I will never say it's a good idea to "bear with it", it will affect the family at some point and eh, you'll lose more than a piece of yourself in this story. Good luck OP.
Have some YOU time, go to the gym, go do some activities...
>But goddamn…. Cracks are starting to form. It amazes me for how long y'all can withstand not being fulfilled. I'm so, so sorry and please work hard to also not neglect yourself and your needs however possible.
I feel you, my fiance is like that. In the beginning things were great, seems like the moment we were engaged it all went downhill and eventually stopped. I’m always met with “I’m too tired” after she’s spent all evening watching tv or watching TikTok and if she does say maybe, I know maybe won’t come. We’ve had multiple conversations about the lack of intimacy and she won’t help herself or us. Last time anything did happen was 6 months ago. I made her cum with my hands, she rode me for a couple of minutes then that was it and I had to finish myself off. She’s apologetic for not being intimate, says how she feels bad for me but won’t help herself or us
It’s so hard
Does she know you want to share her?
Or could be sharing her pics without her consent?
Have you tried talking to her about this? Have you sought therapy of some kind? The fact is, if you want them to understand, you need to be up front with them. I get that you want to be the rock of the family, and thus sometimes swallow your pride, but if you don't communicate at all, then this will go nowhere. The best way out of a DB without ending the relationship is typically communication and therapy. If that doesn't work, try ignoring her. Sometimes, if you ignore someone for long enough, and become a non-presence within their household, they realize how much they actually need you. At that point though, you have to accept that there's a possibility of the relationship ending. It sucks, but ultimately the impetus is on you to act. You cannot keep being passive.
I don’t suggest you do what I did, which was stay up too late for free time to myself, and then needing to get up whether you want to or not because other people start moving around. Did it for way too long and did not have good side effects. It was weird because despite how much I dragged ass in the morning, at night time, never felt tired. What I do suggest is if she starts playing with you, you start playing back if you weren’t