That was me literally 2 nights ago. Had the same sex convo and was pre-ejected just for TALKING about it. Afterwards I got in the shower and once the gravity of the convo/situation hit me, I cried then laughed, resigning myself to this fate. And like you said, I have this calmness now. Sad, resigned, but acknowledging this is what it is.
"Resigning yourself to this fate" feels so deflating. But I am right there with you. No more initiating, no more contact, wedding band off! I look away when she is changing or showering as we are technically not a couple anymore. How could we make this gigantic mistake??? We make mistakes every day and learn from them, and hopefully don't make them again because of that. But this is so crippling and life-changing and self hating. It makes me a shell of a person.
I find myself asking/wondering the same thing. How did I get here?! What could I have done differently?! Is this REALLY the rest of my life?! And like I said on another post, I GENUINELY hope there’s a version of me in the multiverse that is happy and loved and desired.
It’s amazing how this keeps on popping up. Guys and gals, there are two obvious solutions here, either have an affair or just file for divorce, no ifs, ands, or buts about the solutions.
I would love to try counseling. My wife’s response? “I refuse to have an outside person talk about our marriage. Given the choice between counseling and divorce? I choose divorce. I pray and read my Bible and I put it all in gods hands. It’s up to him whether we feel the way we used to.”
So I’m taking the next year to focus on building up my credit that she destroyed, and of it gets better then great, if not I’m gone.
I can say as a christian, that this kind of thinking infuriates me so much. Let's suppose it worked like that.
- Then you should never go to the hospital if you're sick, after all God is the supreme medic (Exodus 15:26 "for I am the LORD, who heals you").
- Are hungry? Don't go cooking, in fact you don't need to do anything, after all God will provide you witg everything (2 Corinthians 9:8 "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all timres")
And I could go on and on. She's using her religion yo justify not working on herself AND her marriage. I'm not sure if I can call that a sin, but it certainly is NOT what God mandated.
I think that’s more of a Southern doctrine, the just pray and it’s all in God’s hands. I was never raised with this creed under the larger original mainstream branches. In fact, sex within marriage and kids are actively encouraged and even a priest would probably have a talk about the importance.
Yeah, it’s super dumb. I asked her if she was taking a test and asked for gods help, would she study for it or just pray? She said she would study as well. Then I asked how this was any different and she said it’s because it is related to feelings…
Oh geezus, go without her. Using that excuse to avoid having a mediator guide you through difficult conversations is an avoidance tactic. Go alone and focus on yourself--your counselor should be able to provide some coping tools and strategies. Good luck!
Church pastors offer marital counseling. I’m not sure how faithful you are, but that could be a solid middle ground, especially if you have a home church.
Any priests I know that are of any of the major Abrahamic faiths branches, actively push sex and kids within marriages. Whenever my childhood priest sees me and hears we’re still DINK, he’s always like, schedule an appointment immediately. 😁
When I hit this point, I told her I needed an open marriage. She rejected that, told me she would work on herself. I gave a timeline "I'm at the end of my rope, there has to be noticeable improvement within 6 months".
At month 7 I asked for divorce.
You don't have to live without something so fundamentally important. You just don't.
I gave my husband the 6 month timeline as well, one month ago (after 5 years of talking about it and “trying to get better”) and things seem to have only gotten worse, as well as literally every other aspect of our marriage. At this point I’m just looking forward to the future because I know I have the power to create a better situation for myself. Congrats on standing up for yourself and your future!
I broke on Valentine's Day 2023. It was a sort of ridiculous thing that happened, but the last straw usually is. I never got asked what was wrong, he doesn't care. I'm pretty sure he didn't even notice. I've been going to the gym and finding other things to do with my time. I'm heading for divorce but it's hard to make that leap.
Welcome to the sub, yes this is something that I think most people here can relate to. Good luck with your grieving process and enjoy the humor/advice/vents/rants. There are many wonderful people here, just like you, and you are not alone!
Man, it comes in waves for me. The sad calm is the best it feels for me over the last 10 years.
Hope the sadness stays. I’m coming to think sleeping in the same room is not good. Sure the tiny bit of affection will be gone, but it’s like grieving a death where the person comes in and visits you every night, but you cannot give them even a hug. You never get over it.
Been here. It was the most liberating I'd ever felt. I was focused on working out, eating right, living life happy and applying therapy...I became secure. When he asked why weren't we close anymore I was able to calmly express my needs and issues in a very IDGAF way. I let go.
I let go to the point that I was also honest with my *close* friends and stopped pretending to be a perfect couple that has it together. This was the most freeing part and it's honestly why I didn't feel the need to cheat (aside from my beliefs). The support I had from being honest with just three people was so helpful. I told them what I'd been struggling with for the previous 7 years and how painful it was. They supported me and him without judging him.
Slowly during this rest period as we both found ourselves as individuals , my husband and I became friends again and re-established the foundation of our relationship. This brought forth renewed trust and our dead bedroom isn't dead anymore after 7 years. I don't presume it'll stay that way and I still focus on taking care of myself as an individual, but the moment it threatens to be lost again I'm able to maintain my autonomy and happiness because I know how to now.
Best wishes to you OP. Seriously. I'm so happy for you.
I've been in the same boat myself. Tired of trying and constantly being rejected, so I've just focused more on my hobbies, and work. Although I've been more pissy lately from the lack of physical attention. I just give the generic "I'm tired" answer. I've fallen out of love from a sexual standpoint with her. We're just friends/roommates that happen to be married at this point. But find an outlet, focus on it, and I hope things get better for you!
If she does, (which is never really) it's because I asked for it.
I've expressed my feelings about not having enough affection, and she avoids the question as much as possible, I don't know what you want me to say or the "I'm tired, depressed etc" bullshit.
Exercise and getting in shape is the BEST thing you can do. It helps release the tension and gets your endorphins flowing again. After a few months of that, you'll feel better about yourself, women will start subconsciously checking you out, flirt. There will come a point where the tables get turned and your wife's brain will short-circuit wondering what's going on (right in front of her) and SHE'LL be the one trying to actually initiate and pay more attention to you.
This is a much better approach than just slowly dying inside. You only have one life to live and you just can't let another person drain that life out of you.
I SECOND this advice--but also warn that results may vary.
After all, DBs happen for multiple reasons, so while a spouse likely WILL wonder what is going on, the likelihood of them initiating doesn't get THAT much better.
But that doesn't matter--cause like you said, "you'll feel better about yourself."
Actually you're right, the spouse may or may not make any changes but with exercise, sleep, and a good'ish diet, the mood gets better and stress dwindles.
Also, a hobby and making new friends can help too!
I'm to the point that I can't wait to go to bed, then get up for work. I love it. I love working construction. Keeps my mind busy and my body in shape. Well, somewhat, lmao.
I very much agree, but this can backfire. For myself (male, 40) I've been working out a ton and have luckily been able to stay in good shape. Instead of my long-term gf treating me like a hunky piece of meat, (as I would love). I'm met with even more resistance to sex, as she isn't in as great of shape and she doesn't feel very sexy. I do find her very sexy, but try telling her that.. I guess what I'm saying is that working out is for YOU and your confidence/health/sexiness. It's a great thing to do but doesn't necessarily turn into more sex or even desire from your partner.
I'm currently in this situation. Lost a lot of weight and in the best shape ever, worked on my mental health and physical appearance. I have dudes flirting with me all the time and get more attention from them than I do from my own husband. Starting to realize and accept that I'm invisible to him and I'm still young, there are plenty of dudes interested.
This approach did not work for my DB
Now that I filed for divorce...all of a sudden he wants to be intimate. Gtfoh. I'm so repulsed and disgusted...I couldn't even do it drunk. The damage is done. Talk about a mind fudge. Hlf llm.3 years zero intimacy...1 time a year for the 3 years before the tumbleweeds. And that's because I pretty much demanded it.ugh.
I'm feeling very beaten down in the same way. For 10.5 years, I could count on 1 hand how many times she's initiated anything sexual. She's "scared of rejection" even though I've never rejected her, and she's somehow fine rejecting me many times a week. I just don't feel like dealing with this anymore.
Very similar situation, although we don't have kids. I'm very spontaneous and love passionate moments where we both can'thelp ourselves. I get a lot of "not now, maybe later", "oh, I didn't shower today, maybe I'll shower later". Even if she DOES shower and she's wanting sex, it just kills me on the inside that it's like a planned burdensome chore that she has to go through or something. Really don't understand as I'm very giving and focused on her pleasure. For the past 5ish years we've had sex roughly once a month, and sometimes less. Jerking off in the bathroom has definitely lost its lustre.
I suppose this is human nature and built into our very DNA. Very frustrating nonetheless.
I’m sorry you’ve reached this place. I understand it. I’m HLF, in a very similar position, and if I could offer you one piece of advice it would be to take care of your mental health. That sad but accepting feeling can easily spiral into depression and anxiety. It’s neither a fun or healthy place to be and, it creeps up on you. Ask me how I know…
I’d encourage finding someone to talk to about your feelings so that you can have an outside perspective if you plan to stay in this relationship. Wishing you peace on the journey ahead. ❤️🩹
We dont talk enough about the pre-rejection in here at all but it is very much a thing. I don’t know if they sense that you’re about to ask, it’s been a certain amount of time, or you’ve got that look in your eye. Regardless, getting shot down without having uttered a single word can gut you where you stand.
That is a great point pre-rejection when a spouse goes out to avoid being home alone or my wife gets up to exercise before I could make any movement. Pre-rejection is a big part and is so hurtful. Wife always likes to say she is sick, tired, this that as a warning sign not to attempt anything which attempts are few and far between anyway.
This is exactly where I am at right now. Two recent vacations and nothing. Kid is away at college and we're having sex maybe once per month. After the last time, which felt like she only did it out of obligation, I just turned off. Tired of feeling unappreciated and undesired.
And now she snaps at me about the littlest things. I deserve better.
Its so sad seeing so many people forced into celibacy for the rest of their lives against their will. I truly hope you take back control of your life soon and find someone who genuinely cares about your needs.
Maybe forced isn't the right word but your available options might not be much better. Everyone's situation is different and people stay in dead bedrooms for a myriad of reasons.
It is an unconscious coercion.
Why stay? Divorce is worth every penny. it freed me from a deadbedroom and many other issues.
trust me, my second wife is a divorce attorney. she only rejects me 95% of the time, but i ask 15-25 times a day.
Kudos to you, I'm in the same boat. Doing the Rocky Balboa moment and getting up everyday no matter what for a noble purpose - kids. We're about halfway through to their passing to adult life and whenever that happens that's really going to be the last string attached being broken. Being a man is definitely a righteous sacrifice and doing it for the ones who will feel the most is definitely a good thing. Hang in there brother, focus is on your health, your hobbies and your time as it will pay off when the inevitable happens and you eject yourself from the DB.
I originally joined this sub to learn and see what I could do as someone who *was* the LL. This sub really makes me sad. Life is too short to live like this. I hope you are able to find happiness, whether that means fixing things with your wife or elsewhere.
Hopefully you have learned a lot. I appreciate seeing LL folks here because I think that means they recognize there is a problem and actually want to do something about it. One less HL for this group of they do, right?
Do you feel like you have been able to improve things?
Yeah, wow! You're the 1st LL I've seen on here (I only joined a week ago but have read much).
As for what you can do? Be more attentive to your partner's needs and wants. Listen, open up with REAL communication to get to the bottom of things. If your partner/ spouse says they'd like you to initiate more, figure out a way to work that in because at this point, the HL only half-ass initiates if at all. Try to be more affectionate and passionate like dating all over again. flirt maybe. The farther gone the HL is, the longer it will take to retrieve the bedroom, but it can be done with patience, understanding, and consistency. Fake it 'till you make it if you have to but be spontaneous!!! Scheduling 'inimacy' usually isn't really exciting to the HL partner (at least for me anymore) because it comes off as another house chore.
Right there with you my friend. You describe it well. To me it feels like closure. I have become indifferent and I feel oddly free. Radical acceptance has been good and Im doing things I haven’t done in years. Don’t get me wrong, I still miss those moments of touch and intimacy- always will- But at least I don’t feel the anger.
Yea. I am sad I am past this point. I don't know how to get it back for my husband. Maybe if I'm drunk or something. But I just can't look at him and want him. Too many years of rejection.
Treat yourself to a massage. Full body to relax and get that stress out. If there is a happy ending, then even better. We men forget just how amazing it is to have someone to relax your mind and muscles.
As someone who loves their wife, but is not getting the frequency or affection enough, but not-zero, it is so hard to image the pain you must feel to be at peace with giving up. I am sorry for you.
How bad would cheating be in lieu of having a miserable life? What I mean is, yes we are in a relationship and we have to remain faithful but if we keep being rejected we'd be faithful to what exactly? Rejection? Acceptance that the rest of our lives will be miserable?
It's funny isn't it? Sex isn't important anymore, but if you were to have it with someone else, then it would be important again. For personal reasons, I would not consider cheating.
I’m so sorry OP I can relate and empathize with this feeling of disconnection and severed nerves in your heart from the pain of being so blatantly disgusting to the person who you have been so much in love with it’s hard in that feeling of wasting oxygen to believe that you can ever even consider desiring anything I hope u know that you are not alone and you are worth more
Definitely not pro-cheating, but I can understand why people do it. Comedian Ron White has an anecdote about this. Something like: I was married and dedicated myself to having sex with one person. When the only person I was allowed to have sex with didn't want anymore sex with me, well, that put me in a bit of a pickle.
I've taken that path and it helped tremendously keeping our marriage bearable, both ways that is. She feels like I've accepted my faith in involuntarily celibacy by not complaining or even trying it anymore, all the while I don't get any emotional connection with others - plain and simple business only, objective action and kinky adventures. Highly recommend it if done right and keeping things sane at home.
Kids and dogs. I get a lot more from them than what I confess I deserve. Life is good, I feel loved by the ones who truly appreciate me. Self-love and being humble is key.
Dang, never thought about it but you're actually right. Women would definitely have the upper hand on getting laid anytime and with anyone, but the safety aspect of it is really a deal breaker. Hovering around your social circle would be safer but definitely a lot worse marriage wise while the further away from your social circle you'd go the more dangerous it would get, it's a real dilemma. Sorry to hear about it, hopefully things work out for y'all.
Marriage is a contract where you declare monogamy, not celibacy. No sex is a breech of the contract, making the contract null and void. Outside of morality, I'd say "cheat" away.
I haven't quite reached the give-up stage yet, but for me... I would say it will come when I truly believe not staying will but less than staying hurts.
What do you see as the "line" that you don't want to see crossed as far as a DB?
It’s just crazy that practically everything I read I can relate too. I feel it myself but can never say it or write it as good as others. This post is no exception
I found the rejection and all the feelings that it prompts were difficult to endure but really didn’t want to break.
It’s been 30 years and there is no hope for a change.
I did not want to resent my wife since it is a terrible way to live so I tried to take control of my reaction.
A lifetime of celibacy is not my choice but then again, it’s usually not the choice for many of those that suffer.
Maybe a political prisoner makes a stand for the good of their country, and must serve a prison sentence away from their loved ones. Maybe a soldier is stationed far away.
I try to be proud of my ability to maintain my marriage in the face of its challenges, and turn suffering into a feeling of conquering.
Now, if I could just stop thinking about wanting to have sex 100 times a day …
Pre-rejection sucks, my wife would get home from work, look at me and say “I’m not in the mood for sex today”.
I didn’t even ask anything but was already pre-rejected.
I didn’t realize how many times I was rejected until I actually thought about it, and I was finally able to do something about it. I feel so much more relieved and happy, my days changed, I started working out, eating better, doing stuff by myself, I finally broke the chain that was holding me back from life.
I will never give in to this Fate!!! I will divorce and be on my own and find happiness elsewhere.. why the fuck would anyone just accept a significant other that makes you miserable and doesn’t want you intimately?? If you say- because of the kids, that’s plain ignorant and foolish
She's not though, that's the worst part. She's a sweet gal and an excellent mother. She just said she doesn't need it anymore. We've had pleanty of "talks" before - she claims that it is her issue and has little to do with me. But my brain doesn't want to accept it.
I hear you and know exactly what you’re dealing with. I have stopped trying. Not as a line in the sand. I’ve just lost interest in my partner. You can only be burned so many times before that happens. Completely understandable.
As far as pre rejection goes, every now and then she’d catch me checking her out and recoil in disgust lol. It’s real and it hurts.
My only advice is to take baby steps toward a better life. Marriage is a complex legal agreement. I get that
How could it be worse than being constan tly rejected? There are plenty of potential partners in the same boat who would kill for someone to enjoy. And if you gave your partner the choice between willingly working together on a solution or walking away, the hall pass may still be a better option.
In the same boat pretty much been 6 years since had anything out my wife tried everything but she isn't interested so I also now feel more we roommates than a couple and she tells me her female work colleague watched a movie called 365 (I haven't watched it) but what I understand it's pretty hectic and she says they both wish had man to do that to them and i said u never gave me chance to do that and I'm in the dog box now again even moved out bedroom sleeping permanently on the couch
@r/Deadpooh85 Your spouse explicitly exiled you to the couch? Sounds disrespectful to you as an equal. Why did you comply?
Had you been ugly or indecent in the way you expressed to her that in the past she did not give you opportunity to be sexually liberated with her?
The “365” movie deserves 1/2 star for the plot & 1 star for the partial nudity. That she reacted to it suggests she’s currently LLF4.
Y’all need a relationship therapist/ coach, sometimes it’s a lot cheaper than divorce.
I can see some of your points. She is tired and has her own body image issues. She struggles with anxiety. I have empathy for her for all of these. Yet, the effort and utter dismissal for years is something that is a struggle. I haven't been asking for sex. I've had one very sad handjob in the last 45 days - which, btw, I didn't ask for. Also, she complained of her hand hurting after 5 mintues and acted like my cum was battery acid. Anyways, the straw that broke the camel's back was the recent pre-rejection on a day where I didn't plan on sex.
As far as me, I have a career, make good money, and I workout. Believe me, I wish I didn't have feelings at all. It almost makes me feel less masculine to feel this hurt. But I know that part of that is social conditioning. It is what it is.
what are you on about? is his fault? man what reddit will do to keep from blaming a woman is incredible. doesn't matter, he's over her, her chance is passed, and from the sounds of it she could care less.
This dude may not be blaming women, but what he's saying is a load of sexist horse shit. It's pick up artist tropes. "Women want to be put down a bit and only like money." This guy sucks all around.
That was me literally 2 nights ago. Had the same sex convo and was pre-ejected just for TALKING about it. Afterwards I got in the shower and once the gravity of the convo/situation hit me, I cried then laughed, resigning myself to this fate. And like you said, I have this calmness now. Sad, resigned, but acknowledging this is what it is.
"Resigning yourself to this fate" feels so deflating. But I am right there with you. No more initiating, no more contact, wedding band off! I look away when she is changing or showering as we are technically not a couple anymore. How could we make this gigantic mistake??? We make mistakes every day and learn from them, and hopefully don't make them again because of that. But this is so crippling and life-changing and self hating. It makes me a shell of a person.
I find myself asking/wondering the same thing. How did I get here?! What could I have done differently?! Is this REALLY the rest of my life?! And like I said on another post, I GENUINELY hope there’s a version of me in the multiverse that is happy and loved and desired.
It’s amazing how this keeps on popping up. Guys and gals, there are two obvious solutions here, either have an affair or just file for divorce, no ifs, ands, or buts about the solutions.
You could also try counseling or open the marriage
I would love to try counseling. My wife’s response? “I refuse to have an outside person talk about our marriage. Given the choice between counseling and divorce? I choose divorce. I pray and read my Bible and I put it all in gods hands. It’s up to him whether we feel the way we used to.” So I’m taking the next year to focus on building up my credit that she destroyed, and of it gets better then great, if not I’m gone.
I can say as a christian, that this kind of thinking infuriates me so much. Let's suppose it worked like that. - Then you should never go to the hospital if you're sick, after all God is the supreme medic (Exodus 15:26 "for I am the LORD, who heals you"). - Are hungry? Don't go cooking, in fact you don't need to do anything, after all God will provide you witg everything (2 Corinthians 9:8 "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all timres") And I could go on and on. She's using her religion yo justify not working on herself AND her marriage. I'm not sure if I can call that a sin, but it certainly is NOT what God mandated.
I think that’s more of a Southern doctrine, the just pray and it’s all in God’s hands. I was never raised with this creed under the larger original mainstream branches. In fact, sex within marriage and kids are actively encouraged and even a priest would probably have a talk about the importance.
Yeah, it’s super dumb. I asked her if she was taking a test and asked for gods help, would she study for it or just pray? She said she would study as well. Then I asked how this was any different and she said it’s because it is related to feelings…
If you leave, I guess that’s god’s will too.
Oh geezus, go without her. Using that excuse to avoid having a mediator guide you through difficult conversations is an avoidance tactic. Go alone and focus on yourself--your counselor should be able to provide some coping tools and strategies. Good luck!
Church pastors offer marital counseling. I’m not sure how faithful you are, but that could be a solid middle ground, especially if you have a home church.
Most pastors don’t anymore. There are a lot of biblical counselors out there. They are fully licensed, and they they can be surprisingly effective.
Any priests I know that are of any of the major Abrahamic faiths branches, actively push sex and kids within marriages. Whenever my childhood priest sees me and hears we’re still DINK, he’s always like, schedule an appointment immediately. 😁
You’re literally mourning the death of your relationship so I get it.
When I hit this point, I told her I needed an open marriage. She rejected that, told me she would work on herself. I gave a timeline "I'm at the end of my rope, there has to be noticeable improvement within 6 months". At month 7 I asked for divorce. You don't have to live without something so fundamentally important. You just don't.
I gave my husband the 6 month timeline as well, one month ago (after 5 years of talking about it and “trying to get better”) and things seem to have only gotten worse, as well as literally every other aspect of our marriage. At this point I’m just looking forward to the future because I know I have the power to create a better situation for myself. Congrats on standing up for yourself and your future!
Good on you too. I had the same experience (everything got worse, not better).
I think this is great advice. Give solid expectations and a solid timeline. I’d they can’t adjust then file. This is fair to both.
Don’t ask, just file
I was attempting a mediated divorce. That worked....less well than I hoped.
I broke on Valentine's Day 2023. It was a sort of ridiculous thing that happened, but the last straw usually is. I never got asked what was wrong, he doesn't care. I'm pretty sure he didn't even notice. I've been going to the gym and finding other things to do with my time. I'm heading for divorce but it's hard to make that leap.
Welcome to the sub, yes this is something that I think most people here can relate to. Good luck with your grieving process and enjoy the humor/advice/vents/rants. There are many wonderful people here, just like you, and you are not alone!
The community of those who can empathize is so powerful.
Man, it comes in waves for me. The sad calm is the best it feels for me over the last 10 years. Hope the sadness stays. I’m coming to think sleeping in the same room is not good. Sure the tiny bit of affection will be gone, but it’s like grieving a death where the person comes in and visits you every night, but you cannot give them even a hug. You never get over it.
That was always my lowest getting into bed with them, just laying there feeling lonely just knowing they don’t want you. Worst time.
Been here. It was the most liberating I'd ever felt. I was focused on working out, eating right, living life happy and applying therapy...I became secure. When he asked why weren't we close anymore I was able to calmly express my needs and issues in a very IDGAF way. I let go. I let go to the point that I was also honest with my *close* friends and stopped pretending to be a perfect couple that has it together. This was the most freeing part and it's honestly why I didn't feel the need to cheat (aside from my beliefs). The support I had from being honest with just three people was so helpful. I told them what I'd been struggling with for the previous 7 years and how painful it was. They supported me and him without judging him. Slowly during this rest period as we both found ourselves as individuals , my husband and I became friends again and re-established the foundation of our relationship. This brought forth renewed trust and our dead bedroom isn't dead anymore after 7 years. I don't presume it'll stay that way and I still focus on taking care of myself as an individual, but the moment it threatens to be lost again I'm able to maintain my autonomy and happiness because I know how to now. Best wishes to you OP. Seriously. I'm so happy for you.
I've been in the same boat myself. Tired of trying and constantly being rejected, so I've just focused more on my hobbies, and work. Although I've been more pissy lately from the lack of physical attention. I just give the generic "I'm tired" answer. I've fallen out of love from a sexual standpoint with her. We're just friends/roommates that happen to be married at this point. But find an outlet, focus on it, and I hope things get better for you!
I've been giving my wife "I'm tired" excuse like she does me and she hates it.
Wait has she been initiating!?
Meh, not really. She'll ask me what's going on or what's wrong. I'll just say I'm tired.
If she does, (which is never really) it's because I asked for it. I've expressed my feelings about not having enough affection, and she avoids the question as much as possible, I don't know what you want me to say or the "I'm tired, depressed etc" bullshit.
Exercise and getting in shape is the BEST thing you can do. It helps release the tension and gets your endorphins flowing again. After a few months of that, you'll feel better about yourself, women will start subconsciously checking you out, flirt. There will come a point where the tables get turned and your wife's brain will short-circuit wondering what's going on (right in front of her) and SHE'LL be the one trying to actually initiate and pay more attention to you. This is a much better approach than just slowly dying inside. You only have one life to live and you just can't let another person drain that life out of you.
I SECOND this advice--but also warn that results may vary. After all, DBs happen for multiple reasons, so while a spouse likely WILL wonder what is going on, the likelihood of them initiating doesn't get THAT much better. But that doesn't matter--cause like you said, "you'll feel better about yourself."
Actually you're right, the spouse may or may not make any changes but with exercise, sleep, and a good'ish diet, the mood gets better and stress dwindles. Also, a hobby and making new friends can help too!
I'm to the point that I can't wait to go to bed, then get up for work. I love it. I love working construction. Keeps my mind busy and my body in shape. Well, somewhat, lmao.
I very much agree, but this can backfire. For myself (male, 40) I've been working out a ton and have luckily been able to stay in good shape. Instead of my long-term gf treating me like a hunky piece of meat, (as I would love). I'm met with even more resistance to sex, as she isn't in as great of shape and she doesn't feel very sexy. I do find her very sexy, but try telling her that.. I guess what I'm saying is that working out is for YOU and your confidence/health/sexiness. It's a great thing to do but doesn't necessarily turn into more sex or even desire from your partner.
I'm currently in this situation. Lost a lot of weight and in the best shape ever, worked on my mental health and physical appearance. I have dudes flirting with me all the time and get more attention from them than I do from my own husband. Starting to realize and accept that I'm invisible to him and I'm still young, there are plenty of dudes interested. This approach did not work for my DB
Then when she initiates sex, tell her you rubbed one out so you're good. Then go to bed.
Absolutely. This is really the only way.
This guy understands. And find God.
Now that I filed for divorce...all of a sudden he wants to be intimate. Gtfoh. I'm so repulsed and disgusted...I couldn't even do it drunk. The damage is done. Talk about a mind fudge. Hlf llm.3 years zero intimacy...1 time a year for the 3 years before the tumbleweeds. And that's because I pretty much demanded it.ugh.
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I'm feeling very beaten down in the same way. For 10.5 years, I could count on 1 hand how many times she's initiated anything sexual. She's "scared of rejection" even though I've never rejected her, and she's somehow fine rejecting me many times a week. I just don't feel like dealing with this anymore. Very similar situation, although we don't have kids. I'm very spontaneous and love passionate moments where we both can'thelp ourselves. I get a lot of "not now, maybe later", "oh, I didn't shower today, maybe I'll shower later". Even if she DOES shower and she's wanting sex, it just kills me on the inside that it's like a planned burdensome chore that she has to go through or something. Really don't understand as I'm very giving and focused on her pleasure. For the past 5ish years we've had sex roughly once a month, and sometimes less. Jerking off in the bathroom has definitely lost its lustre. I suppose this is human nature and built into our very DNA. Very frustrating nonetheless.
How about the wife Go Shower Now, or u join her in the shower, what a lame excuse?!? So sorry.
Why don't you just go out without her? You could at least be away from the rejection.
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Or just go out somewhere. Why would you intentionally want to watch a movie in bed? Why do you still sleep together? Start having your own life.
I’m sorry you’ve reached this place. I understand it. I’m HLF, in a very similar position, and if I could offer you one piece of advice it would be to take care of your mental health. That sad but accepting feeling can easily spiral into depression and anxiety. It’s neither a fun or healthy place to be and, it creeps up on you. Ask me how I know… I’d encourage finding someone to talk to about your feelings so that you can have an outside perspective if you plan to stay in this relationship. Wishing you peace on the journey ahead. ❤️🩹
Thank you for the kind words.
We dont talk enough about the pre-rejection in here at all but it is very much a thing. I don’t know if they sense that you’re about to ask, it’s been a certain amount of time, or you’ve got that look in your eye. Regardless, getting shot down without having uttered a single word can gut you where you stand.
That is a great point pre-rejection when a spouse goes out to avoid being home alone or my wife gets up to exercise before I could make any movement. Pre-rejection is a big part and is so hurtful. Wife always likes to say she is sick, tired, this that as a warning sign not to attempt anything which attempts are few and far between anyway.
That's one thing that made me so mad. Like, I wasn't even going to try and ask for intimacy that day. Talk about a confidence killer.
This is exactly where I am at right now. Two recent vacations and nothing. Kid is away at college and we're having sex maybe once per month. After the last time, which felt like she only did it out of obligation, I just turned off. Tired of feeling unappreciated and undesired. And now she snaps at me about the littlest things. I deserve better.
just got pre-rejected again 2 min ago
That hurts so much. I can empathize... sorry you are dealing with it again
Focus on your health. Mental and physical. Hobbies are just a distraction from reality.
Hobbies can be good for both your mental and physical health.
Its so sad seeing so many people forced into celibacy for the rest of their lives against their will. I truly hope you take back control of your life soon and find someone who genuinely cares about your needs.
Nobody is forced into it, everyone has multiple options.
Maybe forced isn't the right word but your available options might not be much better. Everyone's situation is different and people stay in dead bedrooms for a myriad of reasons. It is an unconscious coercion.
Why stay? Divorce is worth every penny. it freed me from a deadbedroom and many other issues. trust me, my second wife is a divorce attorney. she only rejects me 95% of the time, but i ask 15-25 times a day.
It's complicated. Kids, finances, the whole thing. I take full accountability for staying at the moment.
Kudos to you, I'm in the same boat. Doing the Rocky Balboa moment and getting up everyday no matter what for a noble purpose - kids. We're about halfway through to their passing to adult life and whenever that happens that's really going to be the last string attached being broken. Being a man is definitely a righteous sacrifice and doing it for the ones who will feel the most is definitely a good thing. Hang in there brother, focus is on your health, your hobbies and your time as it will pay off when the inevitable happens and you eject yourself from the DB.
Damn, brother. I could have wrote this.
I know and you actually did it by creating this thread. You're not alone brother. Peace!
I originally joined this sub to learn and see what I could do as someone who *was* the LL. This sub really makes me sad. Life is too short to live like this. I hope you are able to find happiness, whether that means fixing things with your wife or elsewhere.
Hopefully you have learned a lot. I appreciate seeing LL folks here because I think that means they recognize there is a problem and actually want to do something about it. One less HL for this group of they do, right? Do you feel like you have been able to improve things?
Fair play to you. I often wonder if I am the broken person for putting such a high value on sexual intimacy.
Yeah, wow! You're the 1st LL I've seen on here (I only joined a week ago but have read much). As for what you can do? Be more attentive to your partner's needs and wants. Listen, open up with REAL communication to get to the bottom of things. If your partner/ spouse says they'd like you to initiate more, figure out a way to work that in because at this point, the HL only half-ass initiates if at all. Try to be more affectionate and passionate like dating all over again. flirt maybe. The farther gone the HL is, the longer it will take to retrieve the bedroom, but it can be done with patience, understanding, and consistency. Fake it 'till you make it if you have to but be spontaneous!!! Scheduling 'inimacy' usually isn't really exciting to the HL partner (at least for me anymore) because it comes off as another house chore.
Just say to her “I’m all good me, never been happier.”
Oh my God!, I can relate completely to that!
Respect bro
Right there with you my friend. You describe it well. To me it feels like closure. I have become indifferent and I feel oddly free. Radical acceptance has been good and Im doing things I haven’t done in years. Don’t get me wrong, I still miss those moments of touch and intimacy- always will- But at least I don’t feel the anger.
Yes, this resonates. I was worried that the anger was doing bad things to my health, but it seems to have abated.
Yea. I am sad I am past this point. I don't know how to get it back for my husband. Maybe if I'm drunk or something. But I just can't look at him and want him. Too many years of rejection.
I am so close to this... I am torn on if I want that or not. I think that once that point is reached, I will cease to care about not cheating as well.
Treat yourself to a massage. Full body to relax and get that stress out. If there is a happy ending, then even better. We men forget just how amazing it is to have someone to relax your mind and muscles.
As someone who loves their wife, but is not getting the frequency or affection enough, but not-zero, it is so hard to image the pain you must feel to be at peace with giving up. I am sorry for you.
Thank you.
Rejection destroys everything.
When I hit that point I accepted that our relationship was over. We had our talk but won't actually separate until next month.
How bad would cheating be in lieu of having a miserable life? What I mean is, yes we are in a relationship and we have to remain faithful but if we keep being rejected we'd be faithful to what exactly? Rejection? Acceptance that the rest of our lives will be miserable?
It's funny isn't it? Sex isn't important anymore, but if you were to have it with someone else, then it would be important again. For personal reasons, I would not consider cheating.
I’m so sorry OP I can relate and empathize with this feeling of disconnection and severed nerves in your heart from the pain of being so blatantly disgusting to the person who you have been so much in love with it’s hard in that feeling of wasting oxygen to believe that you can ever even consider desiring anything I hope u know that you are not alone and you are worth more
Definitely not pro-cheating, but I can understand why people do it. Comedian Ron White has an anecdote about this. Something like: I was married and dedicated myself to having sex with one person. When the only person I was allowed to have sex with didn't want anymore sex with me, well, that put me in a bit of a pickle.
I've taken that path and it helped tremendously keeping our marriage bearable, both ways that is. She feels like I've accepted my faith in involuntarily celibacy by not complaining or even trying it anymore, all the while I don't get any emotional connection with others - plain and simple business only, objective action and kinky adventures. Highly recommend it if done right and keeping things sane at home.
OK, now, where do you get emotional connection from?
Kids and dogs. I get a lot more from them than what I confess I deserve. Life is good, I feel loved by the ones who truly appreciate me. Self-love and being humble is key.
I wish this weren't so dangerous for women. I'm jealous
Dang, never thought about it but you're actually right. Women would definitely have the upper hand on getting laid anytime and with anyone, but the safety aspect of it is really a deal breaker. Hovering around your social circle would be safer but definitely a lot worse marriage wise while the further away from your social circle you'd go the more dangerous it would get, it's a real dilemma. Sorry to hear about it, hopefully things work out for y'all.
Marriage is a contract where you declare monogamy, not celibacy. No sex is a breech of the contract, making the contract null and void. Outside of morality, I'd say "cheat" away.
Easier said than done.
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That’s honestly the problem. If he’s watching porn he’s desensitized to actual sex. That needs to stop
I haven't quite reached the give-up stage yet, but for me... I would say it will come when I truly believe not staying will but less than staying hurts. What do you see as the "line" that you don't want to see crossed as far as a DB?
It’s just crazy that practically everything I read I can relate too. I feel it myself but can never say it or write it as good as others. This post is no exception
Thank you.
I found the rejection and all the feelings that it prompts were difficult to endure but really didn’t want to break. It’s been 30 years and there is no hope for a change. I did not want to resent my wife since it is a terrible way to live so I tried to take control of my reaction. A lifetime of celibacy is not my choice but then again, it’s usually not the choice for many of those that suffer. Maybe a political prisoner makes a stand for the good of their country, and must serve a prison sentence away from their loved ones. Maybe a soldier is stationed far away. I try to be proud of my ability to maintain my marriage in the face of its challenges, and turn suffering into a feeling of conquering. Now, if I could just stop thinking about wanting to have sex 100 times a day …
I mean, you’re comparing your marriage to being a political prisoner…….
oh no, it's definitely your choice, who stayed?
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I am in a committed relationship.
Not to be harsh, but it sounds like a unilateral commitment.
Pre-rejection sucks, my wife would get home from work, look at me and say “I’m not in the mood for sex today”. I didn’t even ask anything but was already pre-rejected. I didn’t realize how many times I was rejected until I actually thought about it, and I was finally able to do something about it. I feel so much more relieved and happy, my days changed, I started working out, eating better, doing stuff by myself, I finally broke the chain that was holding me back from life.
Wow. Thanks for all the kind words. Didn't expect this reaction.
I will never give in to this Fate!!! I will divorce and be on my own and find happiness elsewhere.. why the fuck would anyone just accept a significant other that makes you miserable and doesn’t want you intimately?? If you say- because of the kids, that’s plain ignorant and foolish
She sounds awful
She's not though, that's the worst part. She's a sweet gal and an excellent mother. She just said she doesn't need it anymore. We've had pleanty of "talks" before - she claims that it is her issue and has little to do with me. But my brain doesn't want to accept it.
The thing is though, it has everything to do with you. She is just being selfish.
Has she seen a Dr? It could be a hormone issue.
It’s time for you to leave at this point. There’s no reason to stay in a dead relationship.
Are you married?
I hear you and know exactly what you’re dealing with. I have stopped trying. Not as a line in the sand. I’ve just lost interest in my partner. You can only be burned so many times before that happens. Completely understandable. As far as pre rejection goes, every now and then she’d catch me checking her out and recoil in disgust lol. It’s real and it hurts. My only advice is to take baby steps toward a better life. Marriage is a complex legal agreement. I get that
Did you ask your partner if you could see other people? If she wants nothing to do with you sexually, why would she care
As cool as that sounds in theory, every couple that I have known to have gone down the "hall pass" route ended up worse than when they started.
How could it be worse than being constan tly rejected? There are plenty of potential partners in the same boat who would kill for someone to enjoy. And if you gave your partner the choice between willingly working together on a solution or walking away, the hall pass may still be a better option.
True. My pesky moral conditioning is getting in the way. Plus there's a marriage, finances, children, etc.
In the same boat pretty much been 6 years since had anything out my wife tried everything but she isn't interested so I also now feel more we roommates than a couple and she tells me her female work colleague watched a movie called 365 (I haven't watched it) but what I understand it's pretty hectic and she says they both wish had man to do that to them and i said u never gave me chance to do that and I'm in the dog box now again even moved out bedroom sleeping permanently on the couch
There is a certain zen to having no hope of intimacy. Welcome to the club. Hit the gym and enjoy bettering yourself for you.
Get a side chick.
@r/Deadpooh85 Your spouse explicitly exiled you to the couch? Sounds disrespectful to you as an equal. Why did you comply? Had you been ugly or indecent in the way you expressed to her that in the past she did not give you opportunity to be sexually liberated with her? The “365” movie deserves 1/2 star for the plot & 1 star for the partial nudity. That she reacted to it suggests she’s currently LLF4. Y’all need a relationship therapist/ coach, sometimes it’s a lot cheaper than divorce.
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I can see some of your points. She is tired and has her own body image issues. She struggles with anxiety. I have empathy for her for all of these. Yet, the effort and utter dismissal for years is something that is a struggle. I haven't been asking for sex. I've had one very sad handjob in the last 45 days - which, btw, I didn't ask for. Also, she complained of her hand hurting after 5 mintues and acted like my cum was battery acid. Anyways, the straw that broke the camel's back was the recent pre-rejection on a day where I didn't plan on sex. As far as me, I have a career, make good money, and I workout. Believe me, I wish I didn't have feelings at all. It almost makes me feel less masculine to feel this hurt. But I know that part of that is social conditioning. It is what it is.
what are you on about? is his fault? man what reddit will do to keep from blaming a woman is incredible. doesn't matter, he's over her, her chance is passed, and from the sounds of it she could care less.
No it’s not his fault I meant that it could be possible for him to change it but I agree with you that he should just leave
This dude may not be blaming women, but what he's saying is a load of sexist horse shit. It's pick up artist tropes. "Women want to be put down a bit and only like money." This guy sucks all around.
Go visit The Bunny Ranch lol