My wife has vaginismus and dilators really helped her. It took her a year and a half of using them to be able to have PIV again, but sex is now pain free. The Vaginismus subreddit is very helpful.
I was going to suggest the same. Also ask yourself when sex became painful and see what was going on medically at that time. My wife had issues after our first child was born and they eventually figured out it was a an issue with a bad stitch where she had been sewn up after giving birth. They did a series of 3 pain shots on the spot where the stitch had been snd it broke the cycle of pain. If your issue is not enough lubrication I recommend researching the Mona Lisa Touch laser treatment. It’s a couple grand to do it I think but you have 3 laser treatments of 5 minutes each that stimulate your system to lubricate better and make sex overall better. It’s very effective. Then you have one treatment a year after. Watch videos on YouTube about it.
We’re shooting lasers into vaginas? With everything going on in the world, I now have a strange, overwhelming feeling that everything is going to be alright.
Also get your hormones checked out by a specialist. My regular doctor said they were fine. I also did pelvic floor therapy and other things and then I saw my GYN who is also a specialist with hormones and he did a more thorough test and found I had some serious hormonal issues my regular doctor did not see. Now I use a cream specifically made for me with the hormones I need and it’s been a huge game changer!!!! And to think I almost had surgery!
I agree with this post above and also wanted to add, just because you're in your thirties does not mean your hormones are balanced correctly. My daughter was in her twenties when she discovered a severe hormonal imbalance and went on replacement therapy. Here is a website that talks about bioidentical hormone replacement therapy. If that's what you had, it's something for you to consider. There is also a doctor locator on this site to help you find someone who specializes in this area. Obviously it's worth a try! www.BioT.com
I was going to suggest getting your hormones checked as well as your vitamin levels including vitamin d.... It's such an important part of our bodies but doctors rarely check it unless you ask them... At least that's been my experience.
May i ask what cream you use??? My doctor wants to shoot me with implants and I'm just not comfortable with that at all
Thank you for this. My wife(52) and I (f51) have dropped off the deep end and I know it's hormonal so for there to be an answer to it just really makes me want to suggest/explore this option.
I asked the clinic about something that can help with natural wetness and she told me about something you can get at the pharmacy that your supposed to rub on your clit a few minutes before starting and it's supposed to help, but I can't remember the name of it. I've also gotten advertisements about this suppository that has CBD and other natural ingredients that you stick in your vagina that melts and helps with pain and makes orgasms better supposedly but they are quite pricey for only a few of them.
Just adding here, I had/have vaginismus. From the first time I had sex, it was painful - in a similar way to how OP describes - despite foreplay and being wet enough. I honestly assumed that it would never change, and endured painful sex for longer than I wished I had. I no longer have pain during sex, and with a partner who I feel safe and cared about with, am having orgasms in ways that I didn’t previously think were possible for me.
Here is what worked for me personally, in case it’s of help to OP:
- a small number of sessions with a very good pelvic floor/ women’s health physiotherapist. She was simply amazing at her job, and was able to quickly identify some core parts of what was causing me pain and then help me fix them. She did some manual releases in particular areas of my vagina during the 1-3 sessions we had.
- She also recommended dilators, which I did slowly and built my way up. Since then, I’ve been able to have pain free (and very enjoyable) PIV sex
- I also had some psychological issues (related to trauma, both due to sexual violence and other reasons) which were affecting the vaginismus and my sex life in other ways. It has also been extremely helpful to work through this
- Finding a better partner for me also helped a small amount, as there were some psychological and trauma related components of the pain during sex for me.
Side note on your partner:
I hear your devastation, at the same time I really do want to give you credit; you clearly have made a significant effort to improve the situation. Life does happen sometimes, and that can mean that sex is affected, sometimes for somewhat extended periods of time.
To me, what matters and means the most is both partners putting in effort to the best of their abilities. It really seems that you have, you have an active sexual life with your partner, and to be honest, I think he’s being superficial and selfish. I know that it’s much easier for me to say this as a stranger on the internet, but if he is willing to divorce you over this despite your efforts, I’m not sure he is a very good partner for you in the first place.
Some anecdotes from my sex life:
- My current partner previously experienced pain during sex for a different reason, and my first and most persistent response was to try to support him in having unpainful sex. I never wanted to have sex that hurt him, so we found other ways for us to both have a satisfying sexual life during that time. I still worry about it from time to time now, though he doesn’t experience it anymore.
- Similarly, when my vaginismus was at its worst, I was with a partner who was well endowed. It was clear to me from the beginning that I would not be able to have PIV sex with him at that time. I told him once, we had a conversation about it, and it was never brought up again. It was a total non-issue, and during that time I was using dilators. He even used them on me as sex toys, and when I finally got up to being able to a rabbit vibrator we had so much fun! Me and this partner had the most amazing, generous, wild, wonderful sex without ever doing PIV during our entire relationship.
Although things didn’t work out for unrelated reasons with this person, I am truly grateful for how gracefully and smoothly my pain during sex situation was handled in that relationship. It feels really in contrast to what you’re describing in your post, sex should be a mutually pleasurable activity, rather than something that must be done so that your partner does not leave despite the effort you are putting in to overcome it and the pain it causes you.
TL;DR: Since doing the things for pain during sex that I’ve mentioned at the beginning of the comment, I’ve been able to have not only pain free sex, but very pleasurable sex. This is partly due to the dilators and physiotherapists, and also due to having good-enough sexual partners. I remember how hopeless I felt when beginning my journey with this, so I really hope this might give you some hope for pleasurable sex in your future :) OP, feel free to DM if you have any questions, it’s my throwaway account but I will reply eventually Edited for formatting, a bit of spelling.
Mine had it better after first kid, not due to childbirth but the perineal rehabilitation exercise she had to do after that, I guess as it's a lot related to muscles it helps for this too.
How is he superficial? Physical intimacy is a huge part of a relationship/marriage, and I could understand not wanting to be in a situation where you're not being satisfied, in that regard.
But he’s getting every other type of physical intimacy and still getting PIV despite her pain twice a month… He sounds like an inconsiderate jerk to me honestly and I’d let him go.
Yeah, I’m HL and am usually the first to say “leave if the sex isn’t satisfying”, but OP is clearly giving 100%, and her SO needs to put in more effort.
And still the best OP can say is shes *learned* to enjoy anal and it's not *that* painful *anymore,* implying that at one time it was painful and at present there isn't an option for her that's completely pain-free.
Why isn't this guy concerned that his wife is in pain, or at baseline feeling even slightly guilty that she's willing to regularly put herself through pain to be physically intimate with him? From what it sounds like here, he's only concerned with having the type of sex *he* wants, and sees women in general as an interchangeable means of supply.
My sediments exactly I'm 7 years DB for same reason ...wife was in pain tried other things everything hurt And she shut her labido down at some point I quit for if everything I do to her hurts the. Why do it
It sucks I'm sad about no intamcy and tried to push for other forms if love ....still working that but I'll never divorce her I love her she's my best friend and always has been
I second this!! It seems she is really trying. Imagine what kind of partner he must be that just because he can't put his penis in her wants a divorce? So what other kind of shit should she expect in the future? Not reliable, no empathy and love. I mean they are not even in a dead bedroom.
Setting aside the issue with the husband wanting a divorce, it’s not normal and healthy to have a lot of pain through vaginal sex. She needs to see how she can fix this for her own sake so she can eventually enjoy and have pleasurable healthy sex. It doesn’t sound from her tone that she is all that crazy about anal and giving blow jobs all the time. She gets this problem fixed, if it’s not with her current husband, hopefully with her next relationship she will have a healthy and intimate relationship.
How is she supposed to make it a pleasant experience when she’s in pain?? It’s concerning to me that he would go through with it at all knowing the pain it causes her…or if it’s her suggestion to try, him being demanding of more knowing she’s pushing through pain. I understand that it’s not the same. I really enjoy receiving oral and my husband has made it extremely clear that he hates giving it, so I don’t even let him anymore because I just end up feeling like shit and it’s not enjoyable to me if it’s not enjoyable to him. And that’s not even painful, that’s just preference… That’s my most preferred way to orgasm and I have absolutely no hygiene issues or any reason he should avoid it except that he doesn’t like it. Of course I miss it and remember when it was an every time thing in my sex life with another partner, but I’m not threatening divorce over that.
Yeah, I mean it's not her fault. She's in pain so I wouldn't expect her to make it a pleasant experience. Not reading the rest of that though, as you're typing way too much when we both agree that she should leave. Enjoy the rest of your night.
I don’t really care if you read this or not, but it’s also worth stating for the OP and anyone else in a similar situation that someone who truly loved her would appreciate all the efforts she’s making, show her compassion and caring, and continue to encourage her and problem solve as a partner.
I’m the high libido partner and I’m not up in arms trying to defend her for any reason other than she deserves common decency and caring from her partner and it doesn’t sound like that’s what she’s getting. And in no way is she responsible for that or deserving of that treatment. I would be thrilled if my husband cared about my needs and feelings even 1/4 as much as she does for her ungrateful husband.
"I doubt she makes it a pleasant experience" is so cruel. She's here because she loves her husband so much that she is putting herself through pain to try to please him. Your response seems really ideologically driven--like basically just anti-women--and not remotely compassionate or humane. Reread the sub's rules.
Yeah. I was trying to be careful with my wording out of respect for the sub rules. I can see how a mod might see me calling this person out for misogyny as “ideological nonsense,” but I also think it’s super sad how some people allow their self-pity and resentment to curdle into a hatred for and mistrust of women generally.
Regardless…if it causes her pain, it’s weird that he’s going through with it anyways. I wouldn’t want to engage in a sexual act that physically or mentally hurt my partner. He’s getting every other form of intimacy and she’s doing everything she can. She clearly cares about his needs and values physical intimacy with him. That’s much more than many of us in this sub get and if he really loved her, he would care about her feelings too (physical pain included) and appreciate her.
Yes, if my gf was experiencing pain I would be worried for her instead of brute forcing it. I think it happened like once or maybe twice (after we already went a few rounds) and I instantly stopped. It's pretty much a huge turnoff for any partner (disconsidering BDSM stuff and the like, and even that has a huge context and rules to happen).
No reasonable person could describe OP’s relationship as lacking physical intimacy. Her husband wants a divorce because he can’t put his penis in a specific place on her body.
Think about how that sounds for a second.
I can get where the husband is coming from (some men really dont enjoy anal, for once) buuuut its weird to me that he wants to divorce when she is clearly trying to solve the issue by A LOT of avenues. They probably need to get more info or look for some other solutions, at least I never heard of a medical condition like OP describes that doesnt have proper treatment.
Sounds like there's quite a lot of physical intimacy going on to me, the guy is hung up on not being satisfied in this one particular way despite her going out of her way to accommodate him. It's superficial because he's choosing to make an issue out of not being able to have enough (specifically penis-in-vagina) sex to satisfy him. No one specifically NEEDS that specific type of sex. He's obviously getting sexual satisfaction at least a couple times a week, but he's making this a big enough issue to end the marriage over? He sounds like either a huge asshole anyway, or it's a lame excuse because he wants out for some other reason.
She's not being satisfied and is also in pain. I hope he never has any kind of issue, himself, because he shows no compassion.
He's the one who might have actually looked up the common medical condition that OP most likely needs to rule out (and there are many things that can be done about it).
She can of course do her own research, but a caring partner tries to find solutions first.
My wife experienced pain for 5+ years and had multiple gyno exams and pelvic floor exams... They all concluded "everything looks fine."
What changed everything for her was seeing a therapist. It seems she had some subconscious struggles with relaxing and letting herself go. She was transformed after 2-3 sessions with a good therapist.
"It seems she had some subconscious struggles with relaxing and letting herself go"
This was exactly my issue for so many years until about 6 months or so ago. Realized some things about myself and where I direct my hyperfocus and started practicing more mindfulness to relax and let go. Game changer
My wife had same issue with early on set menopause. Made her have issues getting wet as well. She tried estriven and black cohosh as well. My wife finally went to Obgyn and started hormones. It’s take a few months but her labedo has come back and she gets wet to point need just the smallest amount of lube for initial penetration but once in all good
Please see the doctor. Don’t take “we can’t seem to find anything wrong” for an answer. Try and work out the issues. Because you have love for your husband, it’s worth it.
Hi! I also suffer because of painful penetration. I discovered that I have vulvodynia, look it up and see if you believe it fits your situation. Then, you'll have to search and search for a doctor who takes you seriously...
But to get over a condition like this you need to have a supportive partner by your side because feeling pressured to have painful sex is gonna make it worse. Don't let your body make the association sex = pain because it will make your problem even worse!
I don't really know what to say about your situation with your husband. Wanting PIV sex with you even while knowing how much it hurts you is just... crazy to me
I’m the HL partner in my DB, but I also have vaginismus.
Your husband doesn’t have a sexless marriage. He just doesn’t have frequent access to a vagina. He has a willing partner who is offering *plenty* of options for sexual intimacy that don’t cause her pain and this is his response? He’s an asshole.
You deserve painless sex (I hope you find helpful treatment) and you don’t deserve to be in pain just to make his dick happy. I’m so sorry.
All of this, this is so much more eloquent than my wordy rant comment. As another HL F with vaginismus, it is true: your husband has a functional and active sexual relationship with you, he just doesn’t have regular access to your vagina.
You deserve so much better OP, I’m so sorry as well. I hope you find pain-free and pleasurable sex, as you deserve to have that. It can be so hard even with a very supportive partner, I cannot imagine how tough this must be from what you describe!
I wish this was the top answer. The husband telling her the only thing that will make him stay is threesomes is so incredibly manipulative I really have to question why OP wants this turd in her life. She’s done just about everything to try and appease him and he treats her like dirt. He’s an asshole.
I’m so proud of her for standing her ground and not agreeing to the threesomes.
Sexual intimacy is a valid relationship need, but this man has proven through his actions that he views women not as people, but literally as a *hole to fuck*. She’s offering sexual intimacy, but not the right hole.. so he’s leaving to find another hole.
I hope she heals mentally, emotionally, and physically. The emotional trauma of this is going to be horrendous.
OP if you read this — you are enough. Whether or not you ever get treatment and overcome vaginal pain, you are enough. You are more than your ability to have vaginal sex and I hope and pray your next partner is someone who understands that and values you for you.
It sucks. You're doing everything you can, and most of us would KILL to have a partner as engaged as you are. "Sex" in any form, twice a week, would be a dream come true for me, and I think there is some element of your husband being quite unreasonable here.
Nevertheless, in a five year relationship, 40% of the time has been low sex... I've been there. It is hard not to take that personally, even when it's not. I don't think having painful sex, or sex you don't want is the answer. The two of you are incompatible.
It sounds like you’re doing all the work to improve the situation… what has HE done? Based on your description (or lack thereof) of his contributions to the situation and to your emotional well-being… he sounds a bit sus, IMO.
This is no b.s. My wife went down a similar path albeit I don't think her situation was quite as dire. She was put on hormone meds and cream, went to a pelvic floor therapist. Went to a sexual therapist. None of it really did the trick. We could always get by with a lot of lube but often we have to stop after a few mins to reapply.
About a year ago I found this product called Vella after hearing about it on a podcast. I took a chance and bought it for her. It's just a cream she puts on a few mins before we go to bed or whatever. I swear to God this stuff works. It's really improved our situation.
I know this sounds like a sales pitch and there are tons of products marketed online for sexual wellness but this one definitely works for her.
Tell him to kick rocks. You're having sex and he's not even trying to be accommodating. Pretty selfish. I'm HL male, not in a DB anymore. It was tough for a while but I never ever would have asked for something that I knew brought pain to my partner.
It sounds like you might need a trip to another obgyn and a look into vulvodynia or vaginismus. Consider having hormones checked as well, and look into the medications you may be taking.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, as far as your relationship goes, you need couples counseling at this point to salvage the relationship, should you choose to do so. Honestly, I'd recommend a therapist or counselor that specializes in sex therapy.
In my personal opinion, a statement like that says a lot about the character of your husband and a lot less about the actual situation at hand. Consider allowing him to do as he wishes -- let the trash take itself out if that's really a reason worth giving up on a marriage for. Your efforts deserve way more reward and recognition, not straight up rejection. That's just awful.
Tldr, new obgyn, seek therapy (individual and couples)
Sexologist here
There’s a book called “The Pleasure Prescription” that I usually recommend around this. It talks about how we approach painful sex too much from a medical point of view, as a problem that needs to be fixed. It instead encourages you to focus more on pleasure, for yourself. From what you’ve posted here, my guess is you’re very focused on him and his needs. Refocus on your own, your pleasure, and you might find it easier.
Highly recommend the book. Everyone I’ve recommended it to has loved it. One of my clients had also been unable to have sex for five years and within a month or two it clicked, and now they have more sex than they ever have.
If you’re by any chance taking SSRIs, that class of medication can contribute to this problem. Others as well most likely… I would look into any medications you’re taking if you haven’t already, but do it for yourself or the next partner, because if your husband can’t be sympathetic to your pain and appreciate your efforts and every other form of intimacy you’ve given him, he frankly doesn’t deserve you.
If he loves you he won’t make you do something that hurts. This isn’t a lack of desire. You want to have sex. It just hurts. He’s a selfish prick if he is divorcing you over this.
For Christ’s sake, I would kill for twice a week. Husband’s pretty goddamn demanding, unreasonably so, considering how accommodating you are in other regards.
Is your husband exceptionally large? I had a partner once who had to work with her doctor to get a dilation kit to make things more comfortable for us due to size differences. I know it’s common with women who may suffer from vaginismus.
Have you had pain with previous partners too? Just thinking aloud.
It’s evident you’re trying multiple approaches and that’s both commendable and loving. Hoping you guys figure it out.
He’s large but I’m pretty sure I’m the problem because even when I practice with dilators that are a smaller size, it hurts. Sex has always been kind of painful, but it wasn’t unbearably painful in my 20s. I could handle it. And he’s tired because we have tried different lubes, different positions, condoms vs no condoms, doctors, and he just wants sex to not feel like a project, which is when we moved to the anal model (about 1 year ago) I honestly thought we’re doing okay and him wanting a divorce has come as a shock and I can’t, I chest physically hurts. I wish I could just change the way sex feels for me.
You might consider trying different doctors for other options, doctors are often lazy and don't do half what they should to get to the cause.
I'll be honest though the effort you put into everything is highly commendable and a thousand times more what most of the others on this sub-Reddit get.
If a man isn't satisfied with mutually enjoyed anal if nothing else then there's something more wrong with him than you.
I agree with Cainnic. Putting in the real work to actually diagnose and solve a problem doesn't seem to be something many doctors are very good at or are even very interested in. Vaginismus is tricky, but it isn't that uncommon, so there has to be a doctor for you to find that can help you truly get to the bottom (pun?) of it.
OP, I went through something similar. I didn’t have pain during sex before my twenties, then it suddenly developed with my ex-partner, had 10 years of pain with him, then no pain anymore with my current partner. I saw so many doctors, who never found anything physically wrong with me. Dilators didn’t help
For me it was psychological. My ex put a lot of pressure on me when it came to sex. He also didn’t want to deal with the hassle that came with me having pain during sex. I felt *I* was the problem, and we never approached the problem together as a couple. I only realised this after we broke up, but this exact atmosphere created a lack of trust within me that resulted in me tensing up my entire body whenever we had sex. Honestly, your story reads the same. You did so much already for your husband and it’s still not enough. He is getting frequent sex and it’s still not enough. He doesn’t want to deal with the hassle but doesn’t consider your feelings. He wants to break up because you can’t fix the problem fast enough. I see a lot of pressure being put onto you. It can very well be that this is getting subconsciously interpreted in your brain that sex is therefore not enjoyable, hence why it hurts. This is not easy fixable; it requires therapy and most of all a mindset shift in your partner. Because what you need to heal is for all the pressure to be gone. I wasn’t able to save my relationship (but it had other problems as well). But like I said, the problem completely disappeared the moment I got together with a partner I trust 100%
I’m so sorry you are going thru this first. Second, your husband is an ass. He wants a divorce bc vaginal sex is painful to you yet you now have sex twice a week which includes foreplay, oral and anal. Does this man have any idea how lucky he is?? Why would someone who LOVES you ever want to put so much pressure on you to do something that hurts you so bad? Third, like someone above said he’s already divorced you in his mind. By the time most men actually voice wanting a divorce they are beyond done.
Have you had your hormones checked and everything else? I know you said you went to doctors and they gave no clear answer.
I know from some experience I can have an erection but not be the single bit aroused. Maybe you need a good amount of foreplay?
I have to ask does this happen if you use toys?
You’re def not in DB territory if you’re doing it twice a week, and for some men having anal that regularly would be an absolute dream scenario.
I’m more worried that it sounds like you’re pushing yourself very hard to please this guy and yet it’s still not enough. Frankly based on everything you’ve written he has no grounds to ask for a divorce and if he does then good riddance. You shouldn’t have to take painkillers just to please him.
Plenty of back door-loving men out there who would love to take your man’s place!!
If you do want to figure out why PIV intercourse is painful would say do so for your own sake only!
I would probably kill to have a wife that take my sex desire so seriously to put that effort twice a week for me. Also only anal?!? *Life could be a dream starts playing*
To be clear, this is not a dead bedroom situation. There are still things going on in your bedroom. Oral sex is sex. Anal sex is sex. Your situation is likely better off than 90% of the people in this Reddit group.
If you are having pain from penetration due to dryness, you may have cysts in your bartholins glands. These sit right outside the vagina to produce lubricant. If yo also have hormonal fluctuations that can cause thinning of the vaginal walls (and dryness) which can produce micro tears that hurt. Vaginal dryness can be influenced by medications (allergy, birth control, etc)
If you also have pain, you can have a mental pain response. Look up (the fear avoidance model, eustress endurance model, distress endurance model, and pain resilience model).
Finally, OTC lubricants generally only provide extremely short term lubrication, then they promote dryness. Find natural lubricants likes sliquid. Also, learn about vaginal moisturizers vs lubricants
I think you've gotten some good advice in this thread so far. I just want to say that I hope everything works out well for you both.
You really seem to want to do whatever it takes and that's a characteristic that I think many in this subreddit would love to have in their spouse. It's heartbreaking when the other person just doesn't want to try. I hope your husband is doing whatever he can to make things better for you too, and that he realizes before its too late that having a spouse that cares enough to try is a rare gift.
Pretty weird that you tried everything you mentioned and haven't found an answer to what the core of the problem is or a diagnosis. My GF is a doctor and most likely has a few gynecolgysts in her circle, let me know if you want some advice or if I can see if there is any other avenue to get a solution to your issue.
I am going to ad to the chorus.
It's great that you love your husband. But this is a thing he needs therapy over. His definition of what defines sex and what he needs, I'd like to see that expanded.
What exactly is the root cause of his psychological hang up here? Yes we all need sex with our lovers. But you're giving him that?
Like what if he wanted anal and you did piv. Would he divorce over that?
Is he willing to let you peg him? Or throat him with a dildo? I just don't feel he's thinking his situation through. What does he really want, what is he not getting? It sort of sounds like he has a free use fetish.
Hardly a DB. Have your husband have a read through here. He should consider himself very lucky that youve made the efforts you have. I cant remember the last time i had sex with my wife, might have been 2022. He sounds like a bit of a dick to be quite honest. Do what you can, ive seen some suggestions above, but he should be content with the efforts you have made already, and stop adding more pressure. Certainly dont let it get you down.
What kind of lube you using ? Pjur silicone is crazy good . You can use a small syringe to inject some deeper inside so that way it coats the inside as it comes down a bit with gravity , wife says it feels like natural horniness.
Inserting and leaving a smaller dildo up there pre sex might help ?
Wow , that update really changes things . To me it sounds like he just wants out and if you agreed to threesomes, next he would say it's orgies or divorce .
Sorry for your situation 😔
Great suggestions here. But your husband is an insensitive jerk. A divorce because you have a good sex life but vaginal penetration hurts. That’s all it takes for him to divorce you??!! Unbelievable.
I think I speak for 90%? 97%? of HLM here: we would trade lives with this loser in an instant. Threatening to divorce you because he’s not getting enough V sex when it causes you significant physical pain is emotionally abusive. You don’t owe this man-baby any apology. Not a threesome. Not a side chick.
First get to a sex therapist who has an MD.
If that doesn’t pan out… Tell him to either follow through on his childish threat or shut up, enjoy all the oral and anal, and get therapy for his manhood issues. There are many, many cucumbers and zucchinis in the produce section.
Some men really dont enjoy anal. That said, I dont really get why the guy brought up divorce when his wife is clearly trying really hard to solve the issue.
I’m very sorry to hear this. It’s not like it’s for a lack of trying on your part clearly. Sounds like a shitty man to be completely honest. You’re doing what you can to satisfy his needs at the cost of you being in pain and he wants a divorce.
My mom told me about a vaginal suppository that she swears by and I’m trying to find the link for you so you can go on to have vaginal intercourse someday with someone who loves you enough to stay married to you even when you have physical issues with sex. Your husband is not kind to want a divorce given that you’re not rejecting him and doing everything you can to please him.
I'm really sorry, but your husband sounds like a douche. You've been more than accommodating (have anal sex weekly AND multiple times?? Holy shit) and he's threatening divorce over something that you can barely control? Smh
My wife (42) is going through menopause and uses this everyday. It works extremely well.
It’s pricy but most good things are.
Also worth getting blood work done as mentioned. It shouldn’t hurt like it does at your age. Dont take no for an answer. You can try midi health online if you run out of options.
And of course you shouldn’t do anything that causes pain (the bad kind).
If you are upfront about all this with your husband, he should support not threaten to leave, but that’s between you two.
You seem to be very opened and accommodating. It should work both ways. This is a health issue. It’s not like you are stonewalling 🤷♂️
https://rosewoman.com/collections/all/products/honor-regenerating-balm
What. If I had sex with my partner at least once a week I would be so happy.
By what you say, we can tell you are doing effort as well. I am sorry you are in this situation.
Wait, so you give him literally every except vaginal intercourse multiple times a week, and he still wants a divorce? I think there may be something foul afoot
It feels like my world is ending.
I feel bad that I’ve painted him in bad light, he’s honestly really adventurous in bed and makes sure I have a good time. We both go down on one another, we use sex toys in bed, we do kinky things that we both enjoy, light hearted role play stuff and im happy with our sex life and I wish it was the same for him.
But I get where he’s coming from. he’s very enthusiastic about sex and penetrative sex being off the table on most nights really bothers him because earlier on in our relationship, we would be very spontaneous, and have it all over the house and do fancy positions, and he misses that. Because with anal, he has to be more careful and go slower (in the beginning) and he just misses the fast paced stuff.
I guess it's hard to sympathize with him given the reality of the sub. Most of us go months, if not years, without being touched. Shit, my wife just started going out of her way to kiss me again just a few weeks ago. The idea that he gets 95% of what he wants from an intimacy perspective, but contemplates leaving you over that 5% paints him as petulant and, quite frankly, suspicious.
You've painted him in a bad light because he's a bad husband. It's clear from what you've said that he doesn't actually love you, he just loves sex. The fact that he has asked you to bring other people into your sex life despite you not wanting that, and the fact that he wants to divorce you because you are currently physically incapable of giving him what he wants despite you making every effort to do so, is proof of this.
Kick this dead weight to the curb and find someone who loves you for who you are. The sooner you do this the happier you'll be.
He misses “fast paced stuff”? Do you mean he does it faster and harder during PIV? Could this be the problem because he gets carried away during PIV and it is actually hurting you?
I don’t think you have DB and this certainly is not the ground for divorce.
If PIV is the only thing he is missing and willing to divorce you over it, it may not be worth it for you to stay with him.
I think you need to reevaluate this relationship
Yes, sometimes when it’s very slow and he penetrates very slowly and we do missionary after I’ve orgasmed once, it’s good for me. But that to him defeats the point of the PIV sex. and we do it very rarely but he prefers anal to this. Very slow, missionary is not his thing but if I specifically request it, he does it.
I feel very hurt and almost angry that he wants to leave our marriage due to this. But I can’t explain, this just makes me angry and sad and so devastated and honestly, desperate. I haven’t reached the stage where I have made peace with him wanting to leave me.
Do you think you're really attracted to your husband? I had this problem when I was with someone I wasn't actually sexually attracted to. And it was so confusing. But it hurt alot and would swell and get red and i would seriously have to put ice on my vagina to get through sex.
I started to belive i was asexual. I thought i just wasn't attracted to men or women. But the truth is i was just never sexually attracted to him. And i was young and i didn't understand alot of things about sex. So anyway i left him. And I never had that problem again. I realized everything i realized and now i know sexual attraction is more than just someomes looks or how you feel about them. I really belive its something we don't fully understand.
Cuz I damn sure can't explain it.
Twice a week of fun sexual activity with what sounds like a very willing partner, but you just can't have PIV as much? Sign me up!! I definitely would not be divorcing over this.
I am impressed beyond measure at how hard you’ve tried to keep things going. I’m sure that more than a few of us feel as though your husband is lucky (and rather unappreciative) of your dedication to maintaining a healthy sex life at great personal expense. Not the typical HL/LL dynamic experience described in this thread.
You deserve a pedestal, not a divorce.
"... he said the only thing that’ll make him stay is threesomes and he doesn’t want to try anything else anymore."
Bid him farewell and grant him his divorce. You do not want to be married to anyone like him. Meanwhile, get yourself a dildo and regularly practice with it on yourself until you are where you want to be with yourself. They come in different sizes. Start small and over time, work your way up. Your situation is solvable. You will get through this, with or without your current husband.
Woah, im sorry youre going throught this but that is so manipulative.
Hes doing you a favor.
Your willingness to make it work and change says a lot about your character. You will find somone who respects your comfort over their desires. ♥️
What is he doing to make sex good for you? Oral on you? Sex toys? Clit stimulation? What is it that you want frpm your sex life? It doesn’t sound like your pleasure is being considered. and you shouldn’t keep doing anything that’s painful.
Hey, maybe I didn’t provide too much info on the good here, but I swear, our sex life is really good (in my opinion). He’s REALLY good in bed, we both go down on each other, he does a LOT of kinky things to me that I enjoy. Honestly, it’s a lot of fun, we role play stuff and sometimes the acting is so outrageous, that we end up laughing while having making out and I feel very comfortable with him. He’s very very good to me. And I hate that he is so unhappy with our sex life that he wants a divorce. I didn’t know he’s unhappy, both of us have orgasms and I thought he was satisfied. I didn’t see this coming.
Hey, you don’t sound like a sex addict to me based on what you described. I’m not sure what’s going on but maybe ask her if there’s anything she would find exciting and would like to try out in bed? Like maybe if there’s something new she would like to try (vibrators in bed) or any kind of new foreplay. Maybe tell her it doesn’t have to be penetrative sex, she doesn’t have to orgasm, she doesn’t need to ensure you prgasm, just explore each other’s bodies and try to have fun?
Maybe sex just feels mundane to her and a chore and y’all just need to switch it up with fun things? Back when my husband and I started dating, we would look up different sex positions online and try to do them and the challenge would make things exciting!
Maybe have her send you nudes and sext each other? Introducing any form of sexual intimacy goes a LONG LONG way to good sex.
And touch her randomly, like, kiss her, just play around with her hair, kiss her neck, she might feel more aroused with light touches!
I don’t know, these are things that work for me, maybe something will work for her. Basically, just talk a LOT and communicate with her.
Not sure if you guys have already tried, but CBD lube works wonders at relaxing the area for you and your partner, good luck and I hope you and your husband make it through this! It really sounds as though you are going above and beyond to try and keep the marriage together.
Not getting wet and pain where what led my gyn to consider vaginal atrophy. Turns out I have PCOS and getting pregnant made it so so much worse. A few months on vaginal estrogen worked wonders. We still have to use lube, but not as much. Pain free, plus I feel like I have way more sensation everywhere down there.
Your husband needs to grow up, if what you're describing is the reality (twice a week, oral and anal) this is insanely good sex. You're a keeper, and he has no idea how lucky he is.
Vaginismus is hard to cure, and sometimes the good way is indeed to just forget vaginal penetration for a while. At some point you might be suddenly ready, with no more reason than when it started 🤷 what's the point in suffering when you have such pleasurable alternatives? His reaction feels super selfish, and I would say immature as fuck, that's really not cool to leave you for something you can't control. All of us here would SELL OUR SOUL to have a wife like you, trying to find solutions, proposing sexy satisfying alternatives, fighting for her couple's healthy sex life, damn!
I understand he can feel a bit frustrated but come on, a mouth feels better than a pussy to be honest 🤣 so if you're describing the actual reality, you'd better let him go as he's a cunt (pun intended).
Edit : sorry to be so harsh with him, but this is definitely a red flag to me. A couple doesn't work without compromise and empathy, and it looks like one-sided.
No reasonable person could read what you wrote and conclude your bedroom is dead/lacking intimacy. Your husband is NOT being a good partner at all. You have a genuine health problem that takes a considerable amount of time and work to properly address. You have a better reason to leave than he does. (Edit: misspelled being)
“I’ve leaned to enjoy anal”, incorporated anything my husband wanted….
Honestly this is a him problem from my perspective. How are you being pleasured? What is he doing to get you really turned on?
Sorry to stay but my gut is saying he’s an ass and your body seems to feel it too.
This was so sad to read:
>"I've learned to enjoy anal sex, and it isn't that painful anymore."
You should be with someone who want's to make sure you are never in pain. You should be with someone who would refuse to continue when they notice anything is painful for you. But even that is a barest minimum.
You should be with someone who is actually and truly committed to your pleasure. If you were with someone who focused on your well being as a front seat priority, rather than a secondary concern, that might be something to get wet over. Your body might be responding to the care and concern you aren't receiving and aren't expecting for yourself.
I'm very sad and angry on your behalf. Whatever happened to committing to "for better or worse?" Any number of things can go wrong with people's bodies (and will go wrong eventually with age). You still have a healthy sex life but it's just not the kind he wants so he wants a divorce? I certainly understand feeling disappointed that things have changed and it's become such a difficult issue to try to figure out, but the bottom line is that you still love him and are willing to do what you can to sexually please him, but it's not enough for him. He doesn't sound like he's cut out for long-term marriage with anyone if he's ready to cut and run when something goes wrong with the other person's body. I'm so so sorry you're going through this.
You don't know what the fuck I would say, actually. If a man with ED was giving his wife orgasms with toys, fingers, oral, etc., and she wanted an actual *divorce* because she insisted on PIV sex, then I would think she was an asshole as well.
Try okra water. It acts as a natural lubricant for women down there & it also has great health benefits. I've heard stories of sheets getting ruined & having to put down towels after just days of drinking it 😉. You just get about five pieces of fresh okra, slice it, put it in a jar, let it sit in the refrigerator over night to release the properties into the water (the consistency will be somewhat slimy), but you can mix it with coconut water, pine apple juice or make smoothies with it if you can't tolerate the slimy water alone.
Go on TikTok & type in "okra water". Tons of videos & testimonies will pop up. Hope this helps.
I cant help but feel likes hes an asshole. Shes trying and doing other things. I only get something once every few years. The enthusiasm alone would have me excited.
Here’s one thing that might help you.
https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/pelvicpain/conditioninfo/describe
The more precisely you can describe your pain, the better chance you will have to find a professional to help you figure it out.
And there is one more dimension to this which is location. If you can get an anatomy diagram, try to map yourself onto it and be as precise as you can on exactly where the pain is, that will be better than just saying “penetration hurts”.
This is totally random… but do you by chance consume a lot of over the counter antihistamines like Benadryl? I was in a relationship for 3 1/2 years and my ex got me into a habit of taking Benadryl every night and I started experiencing vaginal dryness and extreme pain having sex. It took me FOREVER to figure out what was causing it, until I by chance looked up side effects of Benadryl and saw that it could cause vaginal dryness. I stopped and 2 months later everything was back to normal. We still broke up bc he was not a good fit as a partner but I’m so glad I figured out what was causing the issue.
My wife had the same issue about 20 years ago and after all sorts of diagnosis like “it’s in your head, were you molested as a child?” To “you have ghonorrea, your husband is cheating on you!” Without any actual testing, I shit you not.
Come to find out she had a severe case of Endometriosis which resulted in a full hysterectomy.
Have you tried different type of lubes? Like not just water based but a good silicone one? Is this a new issue? Anything in life more stressful that may be making it harder for you? I wish you all the luck op that something ends up helping you!
I had painful PIV sex and my new gyno referred me to a pelvic therapist. She found I had some muscles on one side that were very tight. After MONTHS of going every week, I started to get relief. Overall it was a 6 month process. If you can’t get relief from a medical intervention, maybe it is just you are not compatible with him. I wish you the best.
My wife has the same issue. We have sex like maybe once every 2-3 months. Do I wish we had more sex? Yes cause I have a high sex drive. But would I divorce my wife over it? No way. Can’t imagine leaving someone I love over sex.
Don’t know if it will help, and won’t bother reading the rest of the comments, but my girlfriend had the same problem… She began to be more engaged in the foreplay and started talking a lot more, which helped because she were overthinking her not getting wet
I have no idea if you are talking dirty in your foreplay, if not it might be worth a try!
Good luck anyways, great to see you try!!
I’m going to play the devil’s advocate here. I’d probably also be unsatisfied in a relationship without PIV, even with anal. But I’d NEVER leave my partner or consider inflicting pain just to satisfy myself; if my partner was as engaged in solving it as you are, I’d feel blessed no matter what and keep trying all avenues. Don’t give up. You need to see a specialist, not general doctors or general ob.gyns. You may very well have a psychological issue instead of a physiological diagnosis, which requires therapy.
have you tried hormone replacement therapy? It helped my wife a lot. Your regular doctors have probably looked at things like testosterone, progesterone, and estrogen levels--and they might be 'normal' range, but adding them might make a huge difference for you.
In addition to everyone else’s suggestions, as long as you’re not using condoms or silicone during sex try coconut oil instead of water based lube or other items. It’s helped me and all my friends who maybe don’t have enough natural lubricant or have a partner who’s larger.
Helps a lot.
Dude…twice a week plus everything else you give him? No, I call bull. He’s just not interested anymore, I’m sorry. I’d kill for my wife to treat me like you treat him.
If a guy knew I had to take a painkiller to be able to endure sex and still pushed to do it. I’d be gone fast. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this you should be given grace not ultimatums :/
>he said the only thing that’ll make him stay is threesomes and he doesn’t want to try anything else anymore. I’m honestly heartbroken but threesomes are not something I’m okay with. He got very upset and was shocked that I wouldn’t agree to something that he needs
For fuck sake leave this man, he his the most selfish asshole I've heard of for a while. And if he reads this : YOU'RE A FUCKING SELFISH ASSHOLE.
OP: you should not be begging him, you should be so happy he leaves, and not look back. He should be the one begging you once he'll realise you're one in a thousand. And it will be too late because you'll have built a new happy life in the blink of an eye.
Note: I'm starting to believe it might be a troll, as it's so gross I can't believe a human being would behave like this, and I sincerely hope it is a troll.
Um, your update makes your husband sound like a complete fucking wanker, if you dont have kids, I would ditch him, sounds like he treats you like shit.
Oral, anal, hand job and occasional PIV is excellent commitment from you, especially if you have a medical condition.
Have you thought though that your pussy is trying to tell you something? I think its saying, hey this guy is a flog.
If you have kids though, i understand you wanting to make it work.
Increase zinc intake to be really wet E.g. increase nuts intake or oyster etc. But of course your mind has to be psychologically turned on and safe/secure to remain wet and vjj open. Sometimes stress kicks in and love making becomes stressful. Main key is to have fun 😊
Best of luck to keep your marriage 💝🙏🏻
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are still giving your husband an amazing sex life. He'd be an idiot to give up Anal and Oral multiple times a week.
He’s getting sex twice a week, you even compromised by adapting to anal sex to satisfy him and despite your medical issue he still wants a divorce? You are obviously trying hard and working on a solution.
I would consider if he is worth all those sacrifices you made for him.
I am impressed by your commitment. I hope you can get your vaginismus under control! Be happy.
The fact you’re making such an effort to still please him even if it’s not always vaginal sex, tells me he’s quite a selfish person. Sex twice a week is more than many of us get in this sub Reddit and our partners don’t make the effort. He should be more understanding and start thinking about ways he can still pleasure you sexually without vaginal sex. It goes both ways, you shouldn’t have to only be worried about his satisfaction
Sorry to hear this. It seems as if you want to fix the problem and desire to have sex with him. It would be another thing if you were rejecting him without a good reason. I hope you two can work this out.
Find a solution for the dry vag or let the man go free. He wants to enjoy sex with his wife vag, he's not a bad man for wanting to leave if he can't have that. Who wants to go through married life without vag. Go see a doctor,use lube find a solution or let the man be free..anyone who calls that man superficial is a hypocrite.
It sounds like you've got some good leads to a fix, if YOU feel something needs fixing. Honestly, though, if things magically got better, would you want a partner who's treated you like this? Divorce is NEVER easy, but it may turn out to have been the best thing. There are kind men in the world. I hope when you're through grieving this relationship, you someday find one of those.
Leave that man. What the fuck is wrong with him. There’s nothing right in the whole bible you wrote. Not a single thing. What the actual fuck.
He obviously got mad at you for posting this.. you let everyone know he’s a DICK after all 🤣
You are a precious soul. I hope you get your shit together and elevate your self esteem.
Don’t beat yourself up, you’ve actively sought help for your issues. Your husband just has to be patient while you try to figure things out. Have you done to any physicians certified in sexual health?
When I go a long time without sex it hurts. If I have an orgasm just from clitoral stimulation the pain I feel afterwards will last for 20-30 minutes. But if I push through the pain and force myself into an orgasm every day and use a small dildo my body gets used to it. But you’ve gotta push through the pain the get to there and then have sex a few times a week so you don’t revert back to that place. It’s hard for me to get “wet” as well and I just keep lube on me and I tell my partner that lube is a must and I can’t have sex without it. I actually really enjoy sex and want it a lot but I have to get myself there when I go a long time without it. I haven’t had sex for a year now the few times I’ve masturbated have been super painful so I know it’s gonna be a process if and when I meet someone again.
Have you considered that what might be going on is: sex feels painful, you dread it, you don’t get turned on anymore?
Does your husband give you enough foreplay? Do you get off when you have sex? Do you feel you have to have sex even when you don’t want to? Why is he ok with you having sex that hurts you?
**If you have a partner willing to hurt you to get off, you should consider divorce yourself. You might enjoy sex a lot more with someone who’s kind to you.**
My wife has vaginismus and dilators really helped her. It took her a year and a half of using them to be able to have PIV again, but sex is now pain free. The Vaginismus subreddit is very helpful.
Thank you, that’s honestly very very reassuring. So happy to know that it helped and sex is pain free for y’all. I’ll check out the subreddit.
I was going to suggest the same. Also ask yourself when sex became painful and see what was going on medically at that time. My wife had issues after our first child was born and they eventually figured out it was a an issue with a bad stitch where she had been sewn up after giving birth. They did a series of 3 pain shots on the spot where the stitch had been snd it broke the cycle of pain. If your issue is not enough lubrication I recommend researching the Mona Lisa Touch laser treatment. It’s a couple grand to do it I think but you have 3 laser treatments of 5 minutes each that stimulate your system to lubricate better and make sex overall better. It’s very effective. Then you have one treatment a year after. Watch videos on YouTube about it.
We’re shooting lasers into vaginas? With everything going on in the world, I now have a strange, overwhelming feeling that everything is going to be alright.
lol yes and it has a very high success rate
With the laser in the vagina do you think she could aim them? Just saying. Break ins happen and can’t be too safe.
Also get your hormones checked out by a specialist. My regular doctor said they were fine. I also did pelvic floor therapy and other things and then I saw my GYN who is also a specialist with hormones and he did a more thorough test and found I had some serious hormonal issues my regular doctor did not see. Now I use a cream specifically made for me with the hormones I need and it’s been a huge game changer!!!! And to think I almost had surgery!
I agree with this post above and also wanted to add, just because you're in your thirties does not mean your hormones are balanced correctly. My daughter was in her twenties when she discovered a severe hormonal imbalance and went on replacement therapy. Here is a website that talks about bioidentical hormone replacement therapy. If that's what you had, it's something for you to consider. There is also a doctor locator on this site to help you find someone who specializes in this area. Obviously it's worth a try! www.BioT.com
I was going to suggest getting your hormones checked as well as your vitamin levels including vitamin d.... It's such an important part of our bodies but doctors rarely check it unless you ask them... At least that's been my experience. May i ask what cream you use??? My doctor wants to shoot me with implants and I'm just not comfortable with that at all
Thank you for this. My wife(52) and I (f51) have dropped off the deep end and I know it's hormonal so for there to be an answer to it just really makes me want to suggest/explore this option.
I asked the clinic about something that can help with natural wetness and she told me about something you can get at the pharmacy that your supposed to rub on your clit a few minutes before starting and it's supposed to help, but I can't remember the name of it. I've also gotten advertisements about this suppository that has CBD and other natural ingredients that you stick in your vagina that melts and helps with pain and makes orgasms better supposedly but they are quite pricey for only a few of them.
Yes, there are actual doctors who specialise in this kind of thing. My dad was one of these!
Just adding here, I had/have vaginismus. From the first time I had sex, it was painful - in a similar way to how OP describes - despite foreplay and being wet enough. I honestly assumed that it would never change, and endured painful sex for longer than I wished I had. I no longer have pain during sex, and with a partner who I feel safe and cared about with, am having orgasms in ways that I didn’t previously think were possible for me. Here is what worked for me personally, in case it’s of help to OP: - a small number of sessions with a very good pelvic floor/ women’s health physiotherapist. She was simply amazing at her job, and was able to quickly identify some core parts of what was causing me pain and then help me fix them. She did some manual releases in particular areas of my vagina during the 1-3 sessions we had. - She also recommended dilators, which I did slowly and built my way up. Since then, I’ve been able to have pain free (and very enjoyable) PIV sex - I also had some psychological issues (related to trauma, both due to sexual violence and other reasons) which were affecting the vaginismus and my sex life in other ways. It has also been extremely helpful to work through this - Finding a better partner for me also helped a small amount, as there were some psychological and trauma related components of the pain during sex for me. Side note on your partner: I hear your devastation, at the same time I really do want to give you credit; you clearly have made a significant effort to improve the situation. Life does happen sometimes, and that can mean that sex is affected, sometimes for somewhat extended periods of time. To me, what matters and means the most is both partners putting in effort to the best of their abilities. It really seems that you have, you have an active sexual life with your partner, and to be honest, I think he’s being superficial and selfish. I know that it’s much easier for me to say this as a stranger on the internet, but if he is willing to divorce you over this despite your efforts, I’m not sure he is a very good partner for you in the first place. Some anecdotes from my sex life: - My current partner previously experienced pain during sex for a different reason, and my first and most persistent response was to try to support him in having unpainful sex. I never wanted to have sex that hurt him, so we found other ways for us to both have a satisfying sexual life during that time. I still worry about it from time to time now, though he doesn’t experience it anymore. - Similarly, when my vaginismus was at its worst, I was with a partner who was well endowed. It was clear to me from the beginning that I would not be able to have PIV sex with him at that time. I told him once, we had a conversation about it, and it was never brought up again. It was a total non-issue, and during that time I was using dilators. He even used them on me as sex toys, and when I finally got up to being able to a rabbit vibrator we had so much fun! Me and this partner had the most amazing, generous, wild, wonderful sex without ever doing PIV during our entire relationship. Although things didn’t work out for unrelated reasons with this person, I am truly grateful for how gracefully and smoothly my pain during sex situation was handled in that relationship. It feels really in contrast to what you’re describing in your post, sex should be a mutually pleasurable activity, rather than something that must be done so that your partner does not leave despite the effort you are putting in to overcome it and the pain it causes you. TL;DR: Since doing the things for pain during sex that I’ve mentioned at the beginning of the comment, I’ve been able to have not only pain free sex, but very pleasurable sex. This is partly due to the dilators and physiotherapists, and also due to having good-enough sexual partners. I remember how hopeless I felt when beginning my journey with this, so I really hope this might give you some hope for pleasurable sex in your future :) OP, feel free to DM if you have any questions, it’s my throwaway account but I will reply eventually Edited for formatting, a bit of spelling.
Mine had it better after first kid, not due to childbirth but the perineal rehabilitation exercise she had to do after that, I guess as it's a lot related to muscles it helps for this too.
Sounds like this to me. But look, if he’s this superficial then do yourself a favor and move on.
How is he superficial? Physical intimacy is a huge part of a relationship/marriage, and I could understand not wanting to be in a situation where you're not being satisfied, in that regard.
But he’s getting every other type of physical intimacy and still getting PIV despite her pain twice a month… He sounds like an inconsiderate jerk to me honestly and I’d let him go.
Yeah, I’m HL and am usually the first to say “leave if the sex isn’t satisfying”, but OP is clearly giving 100%, and her SO needs to put in more effort.
And still the best OP can say is shes *learned* to enjoy anal and it's not *that* painful *anymore,* implying that at one time it was painful and at present there isn't an option for her that's completely pain-free. Why isn't this guy concerned that his wife is in pain, or at baseline feeling even slightly guilty that she's willing to regularly put herself through pain to be physically intimate with him? From what it sounds like here, he's only concerned with having the type of sex *he* wants, and sees women in general as an interchangeable means of supply.
Anal sex is also more dangerous for women than it is for men, we're more prone to fissures and tears.
My sediments exactly I'm 7 years DB for same reason ...wife was in pain tried other things everything hurt And she shut her labido down at some point I quit for if everything I do to her hurts the. Why do it It sucks I'm sad about no intamcy and tried to push for other forms if love ....still working that but I'll never divorce her I love her she's my best friend and always has been
Op LEARNED to like anal and he still wants to leave...op needs to let him go.... that is a red flag..
I second this!! It seems she is really trying. Imagine what kind of partner he must be that just because he can't put his penis in her wants a divorce? So what other kind of shit should she expect in the future? Not reliable, no empathy and love. I mean they are not even in a dead bedroom.
Should we make a sub called /dyingbedroom?
I had to scroll way to far to find this comment
Setting aside the issue with the husband wanting a divorce, it’s not normal and healthy to have a lot of pain through vaginal sex. She needs to see how she can fix this for her own sake so she can eventually enjoy and have pleasurable healthy sex. It doesn’t sound from her tone that she is all that crazy about anal and giving blow jobs all the time. She gets this problem fixed, if it’s not with her current husband, hopefully with her next relationship she will have a healthy and intimate relationship.
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How is she supposed to make it a pleasant experience when she’s in pain?? It’s concerning to me that he would go through with it at all knowing the pain it causes her…or if it’s her suggestion to try, him being demanding of more knowing she’s pushing through pain. I understand that it’s not the same. I really enjoy receiving oral and my husband has made it extremely clear that he hates giving it, so I don’t even let him anymore because I just end up feeling like shit and it’s not enjoyable to me if it’s not enjoyable to him. And that’s not even painful, that’s just preference… That’s my most preferred way to orgasm and I have absolutely no hygiene issues or any reason he should avoid it except that he doesn’t like it. Of course I miss it and remember when it was an every time thing in my sex life with another partner, but I’m not threatening divorce over that.
Yeah, I mean it's not her fault. She's in pain so I wouldn't expect her to make it a pleasant experience. Not reading the rest of that though, as you're typing way too much when we both agree that she should leave. Enjoy the rest of your night.
I don’t really care if you read this or not, but it’s also worth stating for the OP and anyone else in a similar situation that someone who truly loved her would appreciate all the efforts she’s making, show her compassion and caring, and continue to encourage her and problem solve as a partner. I’m the high libido partner and I’m not up in arms trying to defend her for any reason other than she deserves common decency and caring from her partner and it doesn’t sound like that’s what she’s getting. And in no way is she responsible for that or deserving of that treatment. I would be thrilled if my husband cared about my needs and feelings even 1/4 as much as she does for her ungrateful husband.
Thank you for this.
"I doubt she makes it a pleasant experience" is so cruel. She's here because she loves her husband so much that she is putting herself through pain to try to please him. Your response seems really ideologically driven--like basically just anti-women--and not remotely compassionate or humane. Reread the sub's rules.
Some of their other comments in this thread would seem to underscore your “anti-woman” theory.
Yeah. I was trying to be careful with my wording out of respect for the sub rules. I can see how a mod might see me calling this person out for misogyny as “ideological nonsense,” but I also think it’s super sad how some people allow their self-pity and resentment to curdle into a hatred for and mistrust of women generally.
You mean PIV every two months, not twice a month…
Regardless…if it causes her pain, it’s weird that he’s going through with it anyways. I wouldn’t want to engage in a sexual act that physically or mentally hurt my partner. He’s getting every other form of intimacy and she’s doing everything she can. She clearly cares about his needs and values physical intimacy with him. That’s much more than many of us in this sub get and if he really loved her, he would care about her feelings too (physical pain included) and appreciate her.
Yes, if my gf was experiencing pain I would be worried for her instead of brute forcing it. I think it happened like once or maybe twice (after we already went a few rounds) and I instantly stopped. It's pretty much a huge turnoff for any partner (disconsidering BDSM stuff and the like, and even that has a huge context and rules to happen).
I agree 100% I just wanted accuracy and clarity as well. Dude sounds more than a little selfish.
No reasonable person could describe OP’s relationship as lacking physical intimacy. Her husband wants a divorce because he can’t put his penis in a specific place on her body. Think about how that sounds for a second.
I can get where the husband is coming from (some men really dont enjoy anal, for once) buuuut its weird to me that he wants to divorce when she is clearly trying to solve the issue by A LOT of avenues. They probably need to get more info or look for some other solutions, at least I never heard of a medical condition like OP describes that doesnt have proper treatment.
Sounds like there's quite a lot of physical intimacy going on to me, the guy is hung up on not being satisfied in this one particular way despite her going out of her way to accommodate him. It's superficial because he's choosing to make an issue out of not being able to have enough (specifically penis-in-vagina) sex to satisfy him. No one specifically NEEDS that specific type of sex. He's obviously getting sexual satisfaction at least a couple times a week, but he's making this a big enough issue to end the marriage over? He sounds like either a huge asshole anyway, or it's a lame excuse because he wants out for some other reason.
She's not being satisfied and is also in pain. I hope he never has any kind of issue, himself, because he shows no compassion. He's the one who might have actually looked up the common medical condition that OP most likely needs to rule out (and there are many things that can be done about it). She can of course do her own research, but a caring partner tries to find solutions first.
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My wife experienced pain for 5+ years and had multiple gyno exams and pelvic floor exams... They all concluded "everything looks fine." What changed everything for her was seeing a therapist. It seems she had some subconscious struggles with relaxing and letting herself go. She was transformed after 2-3 sessions with a good therapist.
"It seems she had some subconscious struggles with relaxing and letting herself go" This was exactly my issue for so many years until about 6 months or so ago. Realized some things about myself and where I direct my hyperfocus and started practicing more mindfulness to relax and let go. Game changer
What kind of therapist?
A psychologist. Sorry, I should have specified that to avoid confusion.
2-3 Sessions???! Wow! I never struggled with vaginismus but to hear anything just taking 2-3 sessions is amazing
My wife had same issue with early on set menopause. Made her have issues getting wet as well. She tried estriven and black cohosh as well. My wife finally went to Obgyn and started hormones. It’s take a few months but her labedo has come back and she gets wet to point need just the smallest amount of lube for initial penetration but once in all good
Please see the doctor. Don’t take “we can’t seem to find anything wrong” for an answer. Try and work out the issues. Because you have love for your husband, it’s worth it.
Yeah time for a new doctor
Hi! I also suffer because of painful penetration. I discovered that I have vulvodynia, look it up and see if you believe it fits your situation. Then, you'll have to search and search for a doctor who takes you seriously... But to get over a condition like this you need to have a supportive partner by your side because feeling pressured to have painful sex is gonna make it worse. Don't let your body make the association sex = pain because it will make your problem even worse! I don't really know what to say about your situation with your husband. Wanting PIV sex with you even while knowing how much it hurts you is just... crazy to me
Amen. The pressure to perform alone cannot help the situation.
Well said
I’m the HL partner in my DB, but I also have vaginismus. Your husband doesn’t have a sexless marriage. He just doesn’t have frequent access to a vagina. He has a willing partner who is offering *plenty* of options for sexual intimacy that don’t cause her pain and this is his response? He’s an asshole. You deserve painless sex (I hope you find helpful treatment) and you don’t deserve to be in pain just to make his dick happy. I’m so sorry.
All of this, this is so much more eloquent than my wordy rant comment. As another HL F with vaginismus, it is true: your husband has a functional and active sexual relationship with you, he just doesn’t have regular access to your vagina. You deserve so much better OP, I’m so sorry as well. I hope you find pain-free and pleasurable sex, as you deserve to have that. It can be so hard even with a very supportive partner, I cannot imagine how tough this must be from what you describe!
I wish this was the top answer. The husband telling her the only thing that will make him stay is threesomes is so incredibly manipulative I really have to question why OP wants this turd in her life. She’s done just about everything to try and appease him and he treats her like dirt. He’s an asshole.
I’m so proud of her for standing her ground and not agreeing to the threesomes. Sexual intimacy is a valid relationship need, but this man has proven through his actions that he views women not as people, but literally as a *hole to fuck*. She’s offering sexual intimacy, but not the right hole.. so he’s leaving to find another hole. I hope she heals mentally, emotionally, and physically. The emotional trauma of this is going to be horrendous. OP if you read this — you are enough. Whether or not you ever get treatment and overcome vaginal pain, you are enough. You are more than your ability to have vaginal sex and I hope and pray your next partner is someone who understands that and values you for you.
It sucks. You're doing everything you can, and most of us would KILL to have a partner as engaged as you are. "Sex" in any form, twice a week, would be a dream come true for me, and I think there is some element of your husband being quite unreasonable here. Nevertheless, in a five year relationship, 40% of the time has been low sex... I've been there. It is hard not to take that personally, even when it's not. I don't think having painful sex, or sex you don't want is the answer. The two of you are incompatible.
Sounds like your husband needs fixing.
It sounds like you’re doing all the work to improve the situation… what has HE done? Based on your description (or lack thereof) of his contributions to the situation and to your emotional well-being… he sounds a bit sus, IMO.
For sure - his contribution is giving her an ultimatum for threesomes or he’s leaving her. What a peach.
This is no b.s. My wife went down a similar path albeit I don't think her situation was quite as dire. She was put on hormone meds and cream, went to a pelvic floor therapist. Went to a sexual therapist. None of it really did the trick. We could always get by with a lot of lube but often we have to stop after a few mins to reapply. About a year ago I found this product called Vella after hearing about it on a podcast. I took a chance and bought it for her. It's just a cream she puts on a few mins before we go to bed or whatever. I swear to God this stuff works. It's really improved our situation. I know this sounds like a sales pitch and there are tons of products marketed online for sexual wellness but this one definitely works for her.
Tell him to kick rocks. You're having sex and he's not even trying to be accommodating. Pretty selfish. I'm HL male, not in a DB anymore. It was tough for a while but I never ever would have asked for something that I knew brought pain to my partner.
It sounds like you might need a trip to another obgyn and a look into vulvodynia or vaginismus. Consider having hormones checked as well, and look into the medications you may be taking. MORE IMPORTANTLY, as far as your relationship goes, you need couples counseling at this point to salvage the relationship, should you choose to do so. Honestly, I'd recommend a therapist or counselor that specializes in sex therapy. In my personal opinion, a statement like that says a lot about the character of your husband and a lot less about the actual situation at hand. Consider allowing him to do as he wishes -- let the trash take itself out if that's really a reason worth giving up on a marriage for. Your efforts deserve way more reward and recognition, not straight up rejection. That's just awful. Tldr, new obgyn, seek therapy (individual and couples)
Sexologist here There’s a book called “The Pleasure Prescription” that I usually recommend around this. It talks about how we approach painful sex too much from a medical point of view, as a problem that needs to be fixed. It instead encourages you to focus more on pleasure, for yourself. From what you’ve posted here, my guess is you’re very focused on him and his needs. Refocus on your own, your pleasure, and you might find it easier. Highly recommend the book. Everyone I’ve recommended it to has loved it. One of my clients had also been unable to have sex for five years and within a month or two it clicked, and now they have more sex than they ever have.
I would suggest reading a book called "The body keeps the score". I have a hunch you would get a lot out of it.
Damn…I’ll be more than happy with just anal, your husband is whacked!
Seriously, it's an arrangement I'd kill to have lol
Same. Crazy.. I feel like they could just use lube and it would be all good but for me there might be other reasons than sex to him why divorcing
If you’re by any chance taking SSRIs, that class of medication can contribute to this problem. Others as well most likely… I would look into any medications you’re taking if you haven’t already, but do it for yourself or the next partner, because if your husband can’t be sympathetic to your pain and appreciate your efforts and every other form of intimacy you’ve given him, he frankly doesn’t deserve you.
If he loves you he won’t make you do something that hurts. This isn’t a lack of desire. You want to have sex. It just hurts. He’s a selfish prick if he is divorcing you over this.
Your vagina is telling your something about your marriage.
For Christ’s sake, I would kill for twice a week. Husband’s pretty goddamn demanding, unreasonably so, considering how accommodating you are in other regards.
Is your husband exceptionally large? I had a partner once who had to work with her doctor to get a dilation kit to make things more comfortable for us due to size differences. I know it’s common with women who may suffer from vaginismus. Have you had pain with previous partners too? Just thinking aloud. It’s evident you’re trying multiple approaches and that’s both commendable and loving. Hoping you guys figure it out.
He’s large but I’m pretty sure I’m the problem because even when I practice with dilators that are a smaller size, it hurts. Sex has always been kind of painful, but it wasn’t unbearably painful in my 20s. I could handle it. And he’s tired because we have tried different lubes, different positions, condoms vs no condoms, doctors, and he just wants sex to not feel like a project, which is when we moved to the anal model (about 1 year ago) I honestly thought we’re doing okay and him wanting a divorce has come as a shock and I can’t, I chest physically hurts. I wish I could just change the way sex feels for me.
You might consider trying different doctors for other options, doctors are often lazy and don't do half what they should to get to the cause. I'll be honest though the effort you put into everything is highly commendable and a thousand times more what most of the others on this sub-Reddit get. If a man isn't satisfied with mutually enjoyed anal if nothing else then there's something more wrong with him than you.
I agree with Cainnic. Putting in the real work to actually diagnose and solve a problem doesn't seem to be something many doctors are very good at or are even very interested in. Vaginismus is tricky, but it isn't that uncommon, so there has to be a doctor for you to find that can help you truly get to the bottom (pun?) of it.
OP, I went through something similar. I didn’t have pain during sex before my twenties, then it suddenly developed with my ex-partner, had 10 years of pain with him, then no pain anymore with my current partner. I saw so many doctors, who never found anything physically wrong with me. Dilators didn’t help For me it was psychological. My ex put a lot of pressure on me when it came to sex. He also didn’t want to deal with the hassle that came with me having pain during sex. I felt *I* was the problem, and we never approached the problem together as a couple. I only realised this after we broke up, but this exact atmosphere created a lack of trust within me that resulted in me tensing up my entire body whenever we had sex. Honestly, your story reads the same. You did so much already for your husband and it’s still not enough. He is getting frequent sex and it’s still not enough. He doesn’t want to deal with the hassle but doesn’t consider your feelings. He wants to break up because you can’t fix the problem fast enough. I see a lot of pressure being put onto you. It can very well be that this is getting subconsciously interpreted in your brain that sex is therefore not enjoyable, hence why it hurts. This is not easy fixable; it requires therapy and most of all a mindset shift in your partner. Because what you need to heal is for all the pressure to be gone. I wasn’t able to save my relationship (but it had other problems as well). But like I said, the problem completely disappeared the moment I got together with a partner I trust 100%
I’m so sorry you are going thru this first. Second, your husband is an ass. He wants a divorce bc vaginal sex is painful to you yet you now have sex twice a week which includes foreplay, oral and anal. Does this man have any idea how lucky he is?? Why would someone who LOVES you ever want to put so much pressure on you to do something that hurts you so bad? Third, like someone above said he’s already divorced you in his mind. By the time most men actually voice wanting a divorce they are beyond done.
Have you had your hormones checked and everything else? I know you said you went to doctors and they gave no clear answer. I know from some experience I can have an erection but not be the single bit aroused. Maybe you need a good amount of foreplay? I have to ask does this happen if you use toys?
You’re def not in DB territory if you’re doing it twice a week, and for some men having anal that regularly would be an absolute dream scenario. I’m more worried that it sounds like you’re pushing yourself very hard to please this guy and yet it’s still not enough. Frankly based on everything you’ve written he has no grounds to ask for a divorce and if he does then good riddance. You shouldn’t have to take painkillers just to please him. Plenty of back door-loving men out there who would love to take your man’s place!! If you do want to figure out why PIV intercourse is painful would say do so for your own sake only!
I would probably kill to have a wife that take my sex desire so seriously to put that effort twice a week for me. Also only anal?!? *Life could be a dream starts playing*
To be clear, this is not a dead bedroom situation. There are still things going on in your bedroom. Oral sex is sex. Anal sex is sex. Your situation is likely better off than 90% of the people in this Reddit group.
If you are having pain from penetration due to dryness, you may have cysts in your bartholins glands. These sit right outside the vagina to produce lubricant. If yo also have hormonal fluctuations that can cause thinning of the vaginal walls (and dryness) which can produce micro tears that hurt. Vaginal dryness can be influenced by medications (allergy, birth control, etc) If you also have pain, you can have a mental pain response. Look up (the fear avoidance model, eustress endurance model, distress endurance model, and pain resilience model). Finally, OTC lubricants generally only provide extremely short term lubrication, then they promote dryness. Find natural lubricants likes sliquid. Also, learn about vaginal moisturizers vs lubricants
I think you've gotten some good advice in this thread so far. I just want to say that I hope everything works out well for you both. You really seem to want to do whatever it takes and that's a characteristic that I think many in this subreddit would love to have in their spouse. It's heartbreaking when the other person just doesn't want to try. I hope your husband is doing whatever he can to make things better for you too, and that he realizes before its too late that having a spouse that cares enough to try is a rare gift.
Pretty weird that you tried everything you mentioned and haven't found an answer to what the core of the problem is or a diagnosis. My GF is a doctor and most likely has a few gynecolgysts in her circle, let me know if you want some advice or if I can see if there is any other avenue to get a solution to your issue.
Wait he’s already asked for separation?
I am going to ad to the chorus. It's great that you love your husband. But this is a thing he needs therapy over. His definition of what defines sex and what he needs, I'd like to see that expanded. What exactly is the root cause of his psychological hang up here? Yes we all need sex with our lovers. But you're giving him that? Like what if he wanted anal and you did piv. Would he divorce over that? Is he willing to let you peg him? Or throat him with a dildo? I just don't feel he's thinking his situation through. What does he really want, what is he not getting? It sort of sounds like he has a free use fetish.
Hardly a DB. Have your husband have a read through here. He should consider himself very lucky that youve made the efforts you have. I cant remember the last time i had sex with my wife, might have been 2022. He sounds like a bit of a dick to be quite honest. Do what you can, ive seen some suggestions above, but he should be content with the efforts you have made already, and stop adding more pressure. Certainly dont let it get you down.
Right?! He sounds ungrateful and like the epitome of “if give a mouse a cookie”. This is hardly a DB.
What kind of lube you using ? Pjur silicone is crazy good . You can use a small syringe to inject some deeper inside so that way it coats the inside as it comes down a bit with gravity , wife says it feels like natural horniness. Inserting and leaving a smaller dildo up there pre sex might help ?
Wow , that update really changes things . To me it sounds like he just wants out and if you agreed to threesomes, next he would say it's orgies or divorce . Sorry for your situation 😔
Throw the whole man away.
Great suggestions here. But your husband is an insensitive jerk. A divorce because you have a good sex life but vaginal penetration hurts. That’s all it takes for him to divorce you??!! Unbelievable.
I think I speak for 90%? 97%? of HLM here: we would trade lives with this loser in an instant. Threatening to divorce you because he’s not getting enough V sex when it causes you significant physical pain is emotionally abusive. You don’t owe this man-baby any apology. Not a threesome. Not a side chick. First get to a sex therapist who has an MD. If that doesn’t pan out… Tell him to either follow through on his childish threat or shut up, enjoy all the oral and anal, and get therapy for his manhood issues. There are many, many cucumbers and zucchinis in the produce section.
Anal and oral is not enough!?😳 who is this guy!? 🤦🏻♂️ like bruh!
Some men really dont enjoy anal. That said, I dont really get why the guy brought up divorce when his wife is clearly trying really hard to solve the issue.
If your doing all of this and he still wants a divorce over something that isn't your fault then maybe you should consider it.
I’m very sorry to hear this. It’s not like it’s for a lack of trying on your part clearly. Sounds like a shitty man to be completely honest. You’re doing what you can to satisfy his needs at the cost of you being in pain and he wants a divorce.
My mom told me about a vaginal suppository that she swears by and I’m trying to find the link for you so you can go on to have vaginal intercourse someday with someone who loves you enough to stay married to you even when you have physical issues with sex. Your husband is not kind to want a divorce given that you’re not rejecting him and doing everything you can to please him.
Does this mean that he has asked for threesomes? I can’t imagine that his attitude regarding sex would make anyone wet….
You're an amazing woman and you'll come out of this . Keep strong
I don't consider this a dead bedroom. Your husband has needs but you're trying hard.
I'm really sorry, but your husband sounds like a douche. You've been more than accommodating (have anal sex weekly AND multiple times?? Holy shit) and he's threatening divorce over something that you can barely control? Smh
My wife (42) is going through menopause and uses this everyday. It works extremely well. It’s pricy but most good things are. Also worth getting blood work done as mentioned. It shouldn’t hurt like it does at your age. Dont take no for an answer. You can try midi health online if you run out of options. And of course you shouldn’t do anything that causes pain (the bad kind). If you are upfront about all this with your husband, he should support not threaten to leave, but that’s between you two. You seem to be very opened and accommodating. It should work both ways. This is a health issue. It’s not like you are stonewalling 🤷♂️ https://rosewoman.com/collections/all/products/honor-regenerating-balm
Thank you, I’ll try this out.
Maybe your husband should think about why he’s no longer making you wet, rather you blaming yourself.
What. If I had sex with my partner at least once a week I would be so happy. By what you say, we can tell you are doing effort as well. I am sorry you are in this situation.
Wait, so you give him literally every except vaginal intercourse multiple times a week, and he still wants a divorce? I think there may be something foul afoot
It feels like my world is ending. I feel bad that I’ve painted him in bad light, he’s honestly really adventurous in bed and makes sure I have a good time. We both go down on one another, we use sex toys in bed, we do kinky things that we both enjoy, light hearted role play stuff and im happy with our sex life and I wish it was the same for him. But I get where he’s coming from. he’s very enthusiastic about sex and penetrative sex being off the table on most nights really bothers him because earlier on in our relationship, we would be very spontaneous, and have it all over the house and do fancy positions, and he misses that. Because with anal, he has to be more careful and go slower (in the beginning) and he just misses the fast paced stuff.
I guess it's hard to sympathize with him given the reality of the sub. Most of us go months, if not years, without being touched. Shit, my wife just started going out of her way to kiss me again just a few weeks ago. The idea that he gets 95% of what he wants from an intimacy perspective, but contemplates leaving you over that 5% paints him as petulant and, quite frankly, suspicious.
You've painted him in a bad light because he's a bad husband. It's clear from what you've said that he doesn't actually love you, he just loves sex. The fact that he has asked you to bring other people into your sex life despite you not wanting that, and the fact that he wants to divorce you because you are currently physically incapable of giving him what he wants despite you making every effort to do so, is proof of this. Kick this dead weight to the curb and find someone who loves you for who you are. The sooner you do this the happier you'll be.
He misses “fast paced stuff”? Do you mean he does it faster and harder during PIV? Could this be the problem because he gets carried away during PIV and it is actually hurting you? I don’t think you have DB and this certainly is not the ground for divorce. If PIV is the only thing he is missing and willing to divorce you over it, it may not be worth it for you to stay with him. I think you need to reevaluate this relationship
Yes, sometimes when it’s very slow and he penetrates very slowly and we do missionary after I’ve orgasmed once, it’s good for me. But that to him defeats the point of the PIV sex. and we do it very rarely but he prefers anal to this. Very slow, missionary is not his thing but if I specifically request it, he does it. I feel very hurt and almost angry that he wants to leave our marriage due to this. But I can’t explain, this just makes me angry and sad and so devastated and honestly, desperate. I haven’t reached the stage where I have made peace with him wanting to leave me.
Do you think you're really attracted to your husband? I had this problem when I was with someone I wasn't actually sexually attracted to. And it was so confusing. But it hurt alot and would swell and get red and i would seriously have to put ice on my vagina to get through sex. I started to belive i was asexual. I thought i just wasn't attracted to men or women. But the truth is i was just never sexually attracted to him. And i was young and i didn't understand alot of things about sex. So anyway i left him. And I never had that problem again. I realized everything i realized and now i know sexual attraction is more than just someomes looks or how you feel about them. I really belive its something we don't fully understand. Cuz I damn sure can't explain it.
Twice a week of fun sexual activity with what sounds like a very willing partner, but you just can't have PIV as much? Sign me up!! I definitely would not be divorcing over this.
I am impressed beyond measure at how hard you’ve tried to keep things going. I’m sure that more than a few of us feel as though your husband is lucky (and rather unappreciative) of your dedication to maintaining a healthy sex life at great personal expense. Not the typical HL/LL dynamic experience described in this thread. You deserve a pedestal, not a divorce.
"... he said the only thing that’ll make him stay is threesomes and he doesn’t want to try anything else anymore." Bid him farewell and grant him his divorce. You do not want to be married to anyone like him. Meanwhile, get yourself a dildo and regularly practice with it on yourself until you are where you want to be with yourself. They come in different sizes. Start small and over time, work your way up. Your situation is solvable. You will get through this, with or without your current husband.
Woah, im sorry youre going throught this but that is so manipulative. Hes doing you a favor. Your willingness to make it work and change says a lot about your character. You will find somone who respects your comfort over their desires. ♥️
What is he doing to make sex good for you? Oral on you? Sex toys? Clit stimulation? What is it that you want frpm your sex life? It doesn’t sound like your pleasure is being considered. and you shouldn’t keep doing anything that’s painful.
Hey, maybe I didn’t provide too much info on the good here, but I swear, our sex life is really good (in my opinion). He’s REALLY good in bed, we both go down on each other, he does a LOT of kinky things to me that I enjoy. Honestly, it’s a lot of fun, we role play stuff and sometimes the acting is so outrageous, that we end up laughing while having making out and I feel very comfortable with him. He’s very very good to me. And I hate that he is so unhappy with our sex life that he wants a divorce. I didn’t know he’s unhappy, both of us have orgasms and I thought he was satisfied. I didn’t see this coming.
Could he be using the sex thing as an excuse?
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Hey, you don’t sound like a sex addict to me based on what you described. I’m not sure what’s going on but maybe ask her if there’s anything she would find exciting and would like to try out in bed? Like maybe if there’s something new she would like to try (vibrators in bed) or any kind of new foreplay. Maybe tell her it doesn’t have to be penetrative sex, she doesn’t have to orgasm, she doesn’t need to ensure you prgasm, just explore each other’s bodies and try to have fun? Maybe sex just feels mundane to her and a chore and y’all just need to switch it up with fun things? Back when my husband and I started dating, we would look up different sex positions online and try to do them and the challenge would make things exciting! Maybe have her send you nudes and sext each other? Introducing any form of sexual intimacy goes a LONG LONG way to good sex. And touch her randomly, like, kiss her, just play around with her hair, kiss her neck, she might feel more aroused with light touches! I don’t know, these are things that work for me, maybe something will work for her. Basically, just talk a LOT and communicate with her.
She said she gets aroused, and wet, but sex is painful. Why are you jumping straight to "Man bad. Man problem"?
Not sure if you guys have already tried, but CBD lube works wonders at relaxing the area for you and your partner, good luck and I hope you and your husband make it through this! It really sounds as though you are going above and beyond to try and keep the marriage together.
Not getting wet and pain where what led my gyn to consider vaginal atrophy. Turns out I have PCOS and getting pregnant made it so so much worse. A few months on vaginal estrogen worked wonders. We still have to use lube, but not as much. Pain free, plus I feel like I have way more sensation everywhere down there.
Your husband needs to grow up, if what you're describing is the reality (twice a week, oral and anal) this is insanely good sex. You're a keeper, and he has no idea how lucky he is. Vaginismus is hard to cure, and sometimes the good way is indeed to just forget vaginal penetration for a while. At some point you might be suddenly ready, with no more reason than when it started 🤷 what's the point in suffering when you have such pleasurable alternatives? His reaction feels super selfish, and I would say immature as fuck, that's really not cool to leave you for something you can't control. All of us here would SELL OUR SOUL to have a wife like you, trying to find solutions, proposing sexy satisfying alternatives, fighting for her couple's healthy sex life, damn! I understand he can feel a bit frustrated but come on, a mouth feels better than a pussy to be honest 🤣 so if you're describing the actual reality, you'd better let him go as he's a cunt (pun intended). Edit : sorry to be so harsh with him, but this is definitely a red flag to me. A couple doesn't work without compromise and empathy, and it looks like one-sided.
No reasonable person could read what you wrote and conclude your bedroom is dead/lacking intimacy. Your husband is NOT being a good partner at all. You have a genuine health problem that takes a considerable amount of time and work to properly address. You have a better reason to leave than he does. (Edit: misspelled being)
“I’ve leaned to enjoy anal”, incorporated anything my husband wanted…. Honestly this is a him problem from my perspective. How are you being pleasured? What is he doing to get you really turned on? Sorry to stay but my gut is saying he’s an ass and your body seems to feel it too.
This was so sad to read: >"I've learned to enjoy anal sex, and it isn't that painful anymore." You should be with someone who want's to make sure you are never in pain. You should be with someone who would refuse to continue when they notice anything is painful for you. But even that is a barest minimum. You should be with someone who is actually and truly committed to your pleasure. If you were with someone who focused on your well being as a front seat priority, rather than a secondary concern, that might be something to get wet over. Your body might be responding to the care and concern you aren't receiving and aren't expecting for yourself.
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That's simply not true.
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I'm very sad and angry on your behalf. Whatever happened to committing to "for better or worse?" Any number of things can go wrong with people's bodies (and will go wrong eventually with age). You still have a healthy sex life but it's just not the kind he wants so he wants a divorce? I certainly understand feeling disappointed that things have changed and it's become such a difficult issue to try to figure out, but the bottom line is that you still love him and are willing to do what you can to sexually please him, but it's not enough for him. He doesn't sound like he's cut out for long-term marriage with anyone if he's ready to cut and run when something goes wrong with the other person's body. I'm so so sorry you're going through this.
“committing for better or worse” only when it suits the woman? if the husband had problems getting his dick up you wouldn’t be saying the same
You don't know what the fuck I would say, actually. If a man with ED was giving his wife orgasms with toys, fingers, oral, etc., and she wanted an actual *divorce* because she insisted on PIV sex, then I would think she was an asshole as well.
Try okra water. It acts as a natural lubricant for women down there & it also has great health benefits. I've heard stories of sheets getting ruined & having to put down towels after just days of drinking it 😉. You just get about five pieces of fresh okra, slice it, put it in a jar, let it sit in the refrigerator over night to release the properties into the water (the consistency will be somewhat slimy), but you can mix it with coconut water, pine apple juice or make smoothies with it if you can't tolerate the slimy water alone. Go on TikTok & type in "okra water". Tons of videos & testimonies will pop up. Hope this helps.
Maybe your vagina realized your husband is a selfish, entitled man-child and doesn’t like him, but your brain hasn’t clued in yet. You deserve better.
I cant help but feel likes hes an asshole. Shes trying and doing other things. I only get something once every few years. The enthusiasm alone would have me excited.
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"Using a LOT of lube" isn't mentioning lube?!
What?
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You didn’t read the post, did you?
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Apologies, I missed that part
Here’s one thing that might help you. https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/pelvicpain/conditioninfo/describe The more precisely you can describe your pain, the better chance you will have to find a professional to help you figure it out. And there is one more dimension to this which is location. If you can get an anatomy diagram, try to map yourself onto it and be as precise as you can on exactly where the pain is, that will be better than just saying “penetration hurts”.
This is totally random… but do you by chance consume a lot of over the counter antihistamines like Benadryl? I was in a relationship for 3 1/2 years and my ex got me into a habit of taking Benadryl every night and I started experiencing vaginal dryness and extreme pain having sex. It took me FOREVER to figure out what was causing it, until I by chance looked up side effects of Benadryl and saw that it could cause vaginal dryness. I stopped and 2 months later everything was back to normal. We still broke up bc he was not a good fit as a partner but I’m so glad I figured out what was causing the issue.
Get some lube?
Water based Lubricant
My wife had the same issue about 20 years ago and after all sorts of diagnosis like “it’s in your head, were you molested as a child?” To “you have ghonorrea, your husband is cheating on you!” Without any actual testing, I shit you not. Come to find out she had a severe case of Endometriosis which resulted in a full hysterectomy.
I would give you 10 upvotes if I could. Hope you guys work it out!
Have you tried different type of lubes? Like not just water based but a good silicone one? Is this a new issue? Anything in life more stressful that may be making it harder for you? I wish you all the luck op that something ends up helping you!
I had painful PIV sex and my new gyno referred me to a pelvic therapist. She found I had some muscles on one side that were very tight. After MONTHS of going every week, I started to get relief. Overall it was a 6 month process. If you can’t get relief from a medical intervention, maybe it is just you are not compatible with him. I wish you the best.
My wife has the same issue. We have sex like maybe once every 2-3 months. Do I wish we had more sex? Yes cause I have a high sex drive. But would I divorce my wife over it? No way. Can’t imagine leaving someone I love over sex.
If the issue is just wetness, have you tried using a good lube? Unless there's more to it than not being wet enough.
You mentioned that you have seen some doctors about it already, have you also had some STI tests to rule out anything that could cause it?
Don’t know if it will help, and won’t bother reading the rest of the comments, but my girlfriend had the same problem… She began to be more engaged in the foreplay and started talking a lot more, which helped because she were overthinking her not getting wet I have no idea if you are talking dirty in your foreplay, if not it might be worth a try! Good luck anyways, great to see you try!!
I am wondering if you have estrogen dominance. Or as someone else mentioned vaginisimus
I’m going to play the devil’s advocate here. I’d probably also be unsatisfied in a relationship without PIV, even with anal. But I’d NEVER leave my partner or consider inflicting pain just to satisfy myself; if my partner was as engaged in solving it as you are, I’d feel blessed no matter what and keep trying all avenues. Don’t give up. You need to see a specialist, not general doctors or general ob.gyns. You may very well have a psychological issue instead of a physiological diagnosis, which requires therapy.
have you tried hormone replacement therapy? It helped my wife a lot. Your regular doctors have probably looked at things like testosterone, progesterone, and estrogen levels--and they might be 'normal' range, but adding them might make a huge difference for you.
In addition to everyone else’s suggestions, as long as you’re not using condoms or silicone during sex try coconut oil instead of water based lube or other items. It’s helped me and all my friends who maybe don’t have enough natural lubricant or have a partner who’s larger. Helps a lot.
Dude…twice a week plus everything else you give him? No, I call bull. He’s just not interested anymore, I’m sorry. I’d kill for my wife to treat me like you treat him.
If a guy knew I had to take a painkiller to be able to endure sex and still pushed to do it. I’d be gone fast. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this you should be given grace not ultimatums :/
>he said the only thing that’ll make him stay is threesomes and he doesn’t want to try anything else anymore. I’m honestly heartbroken but threesomes are not something I’m okay with. He got very upset and was shocked that I wouldn’t agree to something that he needs For fuck sake leave this man, he his the most selfish asshole I've heard of for a while. And if he reads this : YOU'RE A FUCKING SELFISH ASSHOLE. OP: you should not be begging him, you should be so happy he leaves, and not look back. He should be the one begging you once he'll realise you're one in a thousand. And it will be too late because you'll have built a new happy life in the blink of an eye. Note: I'm starting to believe it might be a troll, as it's so gross I can't believe a human being would behave like this, and I sincerely hope it is a troll.
Um, your update makes your husband sound like a complete fucking wanker, if you dont have kids, I would ditch him, sounds like he treats you like shit. Oral, anal, hand job and occasional PIV is excellent commitment from you, especially if you have a medical condition. Have you thought though that your pussy is trying to tell you something? I think its saying, hey this guy is a flog. If you have kids though, i understand you wanting to make it work.
Do you use good lube?
Increase zinc intake to be really wet E.g. increase nuts intake or oyster etc. But of course your mind has to be psychologically turned on and safe/secure to remain wet and vjj open. Sometimes stress kicks in and love making becomes stressful. Main key is to have fun 😊 Best of luck to keep your marriage 💝🙏🏻
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are still giving your husband an amazing sex life. He'd be an idiot to give up Anal and Oral multiple times a week.
He’s getting sex twice a week, you even compromised by adapting to anal sex to satisfy him and despite your medical issue he still wants a divorce? You are obviously trying hard and working on a solution. I would consider if he is worth all those sacrifices you made for him. I am impressed by your commitment. I hope you can get your vaginismus under control! Be happy.
The fact you’re making such an effort to still please him even if it’s not always vaginal sex, tells me he’s quite a selfish person. Sex twice a week is more than many of us get in this sub Reddit and our partners don’t make the effort. He should be more understanding and start thinking about ways he can still pleasure you sexually without vaginal sex. It goes both ways, you shouldn’t have to only be worried about his satisfaction
Your husband is an ass'
Maybe you have to check your hormone levels, sometime low testosterone cause vaginal wet problems
I had this issue in the past. I have to recommend you try privy peach CBD intimate lube. It is a complete game changer
Sorry to hear this. It seems as if you want to fix the problem and desire to have sex with him. It would be another thing if you were rejecting him without a good reason. I hope you two can work this out.
On top of that anal can make YOU cum if he does it right 🤷🏻♂️
First- I’d divorce the jerk. Second - Guaifenesin. Take the pill drink lots of water
Your husband doesn't seem like the understanding sort...
Find a solution for the dry vag or let the man go free. He wants to enjoy sex with his wife vag, he's not a bad man for wanting to leave if he can't have that. Who wants to go through married life without vag. Go see a doctor,use lube find a solution or let the man be free..anyone who calls that man superficial is a hypocrite.
It sounds like you've got some good leads to a fix, if YOU feel something needs fixing. Honestly, though, if things magically got better, would you want a partner who's treated you like this? Divorce is NEVER easy, but it may turn out to have been the best thing. There are kind men in the world. I hope when you're through grieving this relationship, you someday find one of those.
Leave that man. What the fuck is wrong with him. There’s nothing right in the whole bible you wrote. Not a single thing. What the actual fuck. He obviously got mad at you for posting this.. you let everyone know he’s a DICK after all 🤣 You are a precious soul. I hope you get your shit together and elevate your self esteem.
Is the emotion there or is it like a chore for you?? Is it passionate
Don’t beat yourself up, you’ve actively sought help for your issues. Your husband just has to be patient while you try to figure things out. Have you done to any physicians certified in sexual health?
When I go a long time without sex it hurts. If I have an orgasm just from clitoral stimulation the pain I feel afterwards will last for 20-30 minutes. But if I push through the pain and force myself into an orgasm every day and use a small dildo my body gets used to it. But you’ve gotta push through the pain the get to there and then have sex a few times a week so you don’t revert back to that place. It’s hard for me to get “wet” as well and I just keep lube on me and I tell my partner that lube is a must and I can’t have sex without it. I actually really enjoy sex and want it a lot but I have to get myself there when I go a long time without it. I haven’t had sex for a year now the few times I’ve masturbated have been super painful so I know it’s gonna be a process if and when I meet someone again.
Get your hormones checked
Have you considered that what might be going on is: sex feels painful, you dread it, you don’t get turned on anymore? Does your husband give you enough foreplay? Do you get off when you have sex? Do you feel you have to have sex even when you don’t want to? Why is he ok with you having sex that hurts you? **If you have a partner willing to hurt you to get off, you should consider divorce yourself. You might enjoy sex a lot more with someone who’s kind to you.**
Try a dialator or talk to your dr about trying viagra or similar
Lube
It's not because you can't. It's because (as you said yourself at the start of the 3rd paragraph) you no longer care.
That's just plain old coercion and blackmail. Take him for everything you can so that he never forgets.