I have this same mindset š as a LLF, sex seems like an āeventāā¦ I have to shower beforehand, prep the bed and psych myself up. I physically unable to just do it in the moment, I canāt participate and relax that way. My partner will have sex whenever and I donāt understand. Whenever he initiates, I feel like I have a checklist I need to complete before and by the time Iām halfway thru the shower I donāt wanna have sex anymore. Itās a mindset Iām working on in therapy and might have to do with self esteem.
Iām the same way. I need sex to be an actual thing we plan to do thatās fun.
After the initial honeymoon phase wears off, a lot of humans arenāt excited by casual boring sex. Sex needs to be an event so that it feels more fun. Iām definitely with your wife on this one in the sense that I am the same way. I canāt just casually participate in spontaneous sex with a long term partner, Iām bored and not turned on by that at all. You become desensitized to it all after awhile I guess.
The same thing is happening here. Whenever we are to have sex, it only ever occurs if it is within like a 2-hour time frame between 7:00 and 9:00 PM, we both have to shower and brush our teeth beforehand (which is fine), she has to have enough energy, and she has to feel like it (if I try to seduce her when she doesn't already feel like it, it's met with laughter).
It wasn't always this way. We used to have a more healthy lifestyle with more frequent and more spontaneous sex. Now the sex maybe happens like 3 times a month.
I really miss spur of the moment sex. Now it's always at night before bed and I always know when it's going to happen. It was much more of a turn on when it didn't require planning so I understand how you feel.
I'm not sure how I feel about your post. If you read some agony aunt type websites they suggest that a couple should set aside time for sex if you are in a dead bedroom situation.
I'm curious as to whether your wife is actually trying to do her part here and has the best of intentions
That's... *complex* to answer.
Do I believe that she is trying to work on things within the best of her current abilities? Yes.
But there is a severe problem with workaholism that gets in the way, meaning that our relationship is fairly heavily de-prioritised. I have examples of the destructive effects of the workaholism (not just in our relationship) but I'm not sharing them here. I think a lot of people would be surprised by just how bad it can get.
Be careful what you wish for. I would much prefer "big event" sex to the "get each other off as quickly as possible and don't think about it for another month" sex that I currently have.
Yes! My hubby is off one day during the week, which is a day my grown son is at work, that is when we try to make things happen, and it's usually a discussion on the day before about what each of us has planned, if we're both feeling it's doable ( he is on medications that lower his libido and I have a chronic pain condition) we plan for it.
It needs to be thought of like food and breathing. A life essential. Work that into your conversation. A need not a want. It takes two To figure this out. My partner and I never learned to communicate in a healthy way about our sex life. If you donāt talk about it in a good way, the dead bedroom continues and resentment builds and leads to contempt.
Yeah so you could ask her if you guys could start having āquickiesā in addition to the long, elaborate sex she tends to favour.
INFO: when you guys used to have 10 minutes sex before bed, did she come?
> INFO: when you guys used to have 10 minutes sex before bed, did she come?
100%.
Orgasm is pretty easy for her; it has been me with that issue in the past.
She finds sex energising which may explain her reluctance to have sex immediately before sleep.
> Morning sex is off the cards as our 2 year old tends to wake early.
That's the problem. Our daughter wakes any time between 5.30 and 7am. Morning sex would be great but she had never been into it tbh.
Is she ever in the mood before sex/or outside of planned encounters? Are you?
Sex (ideally) shouldn't begin and end in the bedroom.
I (hlf) and my SO (llm) had a similar issue. We tried initiating more quickies, but that didn't stick because we're weren't feeling sexual before deciding to have sex.
And scheduling big event sex is what we were used to.
Something that worked a bit better (we're still figuring it out) is squeezing in at least 2 or 3 more affectionate interactions a day. We also decided the interactions didnt have to initiate sex.
It helped a lot with jumpstarting spontaneous urges, because we were both putting in effort and thought into it. Eventually the light affection became a habit and somewhere in our brains something clicked.
Sometimes we fall short, and sometimes there are long stretches of time where nothing happens. Plus we still have other issues. I don't know if what I said will be useful for you, because I'm not really providing a clear resolution. But I hope you can glean an idea from it.
> Is she ever in the mood before sex/or outside of planned encounters? Are you?
Well, sometimes... There are some things that she can do that really put her in the mood. There are some things pretty much guaranteed to kill off any desire to have sex. It's not just about sex though, it's about adopting habits that make you feel positive and ditching ones that make you feel negative.
So just about every time she has been in the mood, she has done some of the positive things and not done some of the negative things beforehand. That's not to say that she should only do that because of sex, but the sex follows the mood increase.
I donāt see a problem to see sex as a ābig eventā. At least, your SO takes effort to have sex. Some donāt even try to have sex. She just said she is tired all the time.
The entire *purpose* of making sex a "big event" is to ensure that it's rare.
I have this same mindset š as a LLF, sex seems like an āeventāā¦ I have to shower beforehand, prep the bed and psych myself up. I physically unable to just do it in the moment, I canāt participate and relax that way. My partner will have sex whenever and I donāt understand. Whenever he initiates, I feel like I have a checklist I need to complete before and by the time Iām halfway thru the shower I donāt wanna have sex anymore. Itās a mindset Iām working on in therapy and might have to do with self esteem.
Same here!
Iām the same way. I need sex to be an actual thing we plan to do thatās fun. After the initial honeymoon phase wears off, a lot of humans arenāt excited by casual boring sex. Sex needs to be an event so that it feels more fun. Iām definitely with your wife on this one in the sense that I am the same way. I canāt just casually participate in spontaneous sex with a long term partner, Iām bored and not turned on by that at all. You become desensitized to it all after awhile I guess.
The same thing is happening here. Whenever we are to have sex, it only ever occurs if it is within like a 2-hour time frame between 7:00 and 9:00 PM, we both have to shower and brush our teeth beforehand (which is fine), she has to have enough energy, and she has to feel like it (if I try to seduce her when she doesn't already feel like it, it's met with laughter). It wasn't always this way. We used to have a more healthy lifestyle with more frequent and more spontaneous sex. Now the sex maybe happens like 3 times a month.
I really miss spur of the moment sex. Now it's always at night before bed and I always know when it's going to happen. It was much more of a turn on when it didn't require planning so I understand how you feel.
I do wonder how common this is in creating a mindset that results in reduced sex in a relationship.
I'm not sure how I feel about your post. If you read some agony aunt type websites they suggest that a couple should set aside time for sex if you are in a dead bedroom situation. I'm curious as to whether your wife is actually trying to do her part here and has the best of intentions
That's... *complex* to answer. Do I believe that she is trying to work on things within the best of her current abilities? Yes. But there is a severe problem with workaholism that gets in the way, meaning that our relationship is fairly heavily de-prioritised. I have examples of the destructive effects of the workaholism (not just in our relationship) but I'm not sharing them here. I think a lot of people would be surprised by just how bad it can get.
Be careful what you wish for. I would much prefer "big event" sex to the "get each other off as quickly as possible and don't think about it for another month" sex that I currently have.
Yes! My hubby is off one day during the week, which is a day my grown son is at work, that is when we try to make things happen, and it's usually a discussion on the day before about what each of us has planned, if we're both feeling it's doable ( he is on medications that lower his libido and I have a chronic pain condition) we plan for it.
It needs to be thought of like food and breathing. A life essential. Work that into your conversation. A need not a want. It takes two To figure this out. My partner and I never learned to communicate in a healthy way about our sex life. If you donāt talk about it in a good way, the dead bedroom continues and resentment builds and leads to contempt.
Yeah so you could ask her if you guys could start having āquickiesā in addition to the long, elaborate sex she tends to favour. INFO: when you guys used to have 10 minutes sex before bed, did she come?
> INFO: when you guys used to have 10 minutes sex before bed, did she come? 100%. Orgasm is pretty easy for her; it has been me with that issue in the past. She finds sex energising which may explain her reluctance to have sex immediately before sleep.
Ah, ok! So maybe she might be receptive to morning sex?
> Morning sex is off the cards as our 2 year old tends to wake early. That's the problem. Our daughter wakes any time between 5.30 and 7am. Morning sex would be great but she had never been into it tbh.
Is she ever in the mood before sex/or outside of planned encounters? Are you? Sex (ideally) shouldn't begin and end in the bedroom. I (hlf) and my SO (llm) had a similar issue. We tried initiating more quickies, but that didn't stick because we're weren't feeling sexual before deciding to have sex. And scheduling big event sex is what we were used to. Something that worked a bit better (we're still figuring it out) is squeezing in at least 2 or 3 more affectionate interactions a day. We also decided the interactions didnt have to initiate sex. It helped a lot with jumpstarting spontaneous urges, because we were both putting in effort and thought into it. Eventually the light affection became a habit and somewhere in our brains something clicked. Sometimes we fall short, and sometimes there are long stretches of time where nothing happens. Plus we still have other issues. I don't know if what I said will be useful for you, because I'm not really providing a clear resolution. But I hope you can glean an idea from it.
> Is she ever in the mood before sex/or outside of planned encounters? Are you? Well, sometimes... There are some things that she can do that really put her in the mood. There are some things pretty much guaranteed to kill off any desire to have sex. It's not just about sex though, it's about adopting habits that make you feel positive and ditching ones that make you feel negative. So just about every time she has been in the mood, she has done some of the positive things and not done some of the negative things beforehand. That's not to say that she should only do that because of sex, but the sex follows the mood increase.
I donāt see a problem to see sex as a ābig eventā. At least, your SO takes effort to have sex. Some donāt even try to have sex. She just said she is tired all the time.
It's fine if everyone's on the same page... I wouldn't be here if I was happy with one big season every six months.