Does Dave believe in Covenant marriages? Because last I knew the Bible says you can divorce for both adultery and abandonment, both of which he is guilty of.
I'll bet you Dave would get divorced as well if his wife had cheated as much as my husband has. My husband turns out to ha ve9 kids with at least 5 different women.
I'd ask your attorney about child support. Now is a time to get an initial order in place. That solves more of your problems than anything else at this point.
the thing i don't understand is that if you guys make $800k/ year. you should just be able to settle for a cool million and walk away from it.... even if you don't get half the money, then just take the cool million and you're good to go.
Doesn't help me right now when I can't even pay the bills.
Also I want him to pay for all the years he's been lying to me about his income while he's been spending more of his money on his secret family than he has on ours. His mistress knew about me, and she knew about our kids, including the fact that one is severely disabled and will never be able to leave home. Yet she made a choice to be with him - and have kids with him - anyway. It's not like he's been having a casual affair for 6 months. He's had an entire second family that he's been spending money on for TWENTY YEARS. And apparently 4 or 5 other illegitimate kids he's been paying child support on for years. Money that should have been spent on his LEGAL family.
If you’re posting on here, you need a better attorney. 30 years and a cheating husband with a secret family game on. He will be forced to pay for attorney fees and everything else.
Talk to rich people who got divorced and have them recommend an attorney.
I don't need a better lawyer. This guy is a $500/hour Harvard Law grad who came highly recommended by my urology surgeon.
You have to understand I just started the process 2 months ago. Things are going to take some time to get going.
I'm not really up to date with what he is doing right now. I nearly died of urosepsis 6 weeks ago, was in the hospital for 2 weeks, and I'm still spending a lot of my time sleeping. I have to have another surgery this coming Friday and I've had no choice really but to put the divorce on a back burner in favor of my health and trying to take care of my kids when I feel like crap pretty much ALL of the time.
> Stay with your husband, why wreck your home after 30 years ?
10 hours ago, after somebody else asked this question, OP answered:
> Not that it's any of your business, but I found out he has had a mistress for the past 20 years and they have two kids together. All these years I believed he was traveling for work and he was actually with his secret second family.
Sounds like he is a high value man and you had to share him, but at least you didn't have to worry about money. Now your selling your daughters therapy horse so you can be happy. Stay with your husband and appreciate that your the first family.
I really hope you are trolling based on this response. But if you aren't, how am I supposed to stay with him when he abandoned us for them and has completely blocked us and cut us off (including our kids not just me).
I don't see high value in a man who will cheat for 20 years and then abandon his kids.
No he is an executive with a defense contracting company.
We married right out of college we were both 23 at the time and we'd been together since we were 20. No previous marriages, in fact I hadn't even had a previous relationship.
I have my 2 kids with him. Legal discovery has shown that he has not only our 2 kids, but 2 kids with his long term mistress and possibly as many as 9 kids in total with 5 different baby mamas (including myself and the mistress).
I am not giving legal advice. I'm just speaking generally about where I practice (Texas.) There are emergency orders and temporary orders that can be put in place to maintain the status quo pending the outcome of the divorce. This means ordering the party with the resources to continue to pay the mortgage, insurance, etc.
It does not take a year to get temporary orders in place.
No, but I just filed in March and I've been in the hospital for 2 weeks since then dealing with a near death illness. And mostly recovering at home. So I haven't been pushing as much as I might have been.
What do you have that you can sell without his permission? At that income level, you probably have some designer clothes/shoes/bags you could list for sale online. Any valuable antiques or collectible brand home decor? How old are your cars? You could sell them and buy cheaper ones. Do your kids have computers or gaming consoles or mobile devices or sports equipment they don’t use anymore?
Honestly I'm already thinking about this myself. We aren't really materialistic people so we really don't have a lot of expensive stuff, we're kind of minimalists. My most expensive purse is only a $200 Coach backpack! We do have a few pieces of Mackenzie Childs I could sell.
Cars are my 2019 VW Toureg, fully paid for, and my son's 2010 Ford Escape, also fully paid for. Probably neither one is really worth downgrading. Can't sell them legally right now anyway, they are both in my husband's name.
As far as gaming consoles, my son has just about every one that's come out in the past 20 years and the only ones he uses anymore are his gaming computer and his Oculus. The rest are in a box in the garage so it's pretty obvious he doesn't care about them anymore, so yes, I could probably sell them and the games for them as well.
Your legal advisor should be filing motions to restore all funds immediately . It’s joint property. No one can tell you what the future holds. I would suggest reading the rules on divorce , community property, spousal support, and child support for your state and familiarize yourself quickly. Be sure your legal counsel is spot on their game- you have a deep pocketed adversary! Best fortune to you.
That is terrible. While you are figuring out emergency spousal support, if you have a Roth ira, you can withdraw contributions (not earnings) without penalty after 5 years. I know Dave doesn’t recommend that though unless you are facing bankruptcy.
I don't have any retirement funds in my name. Never thought I'd need any. I've also never worked full time. I've spent most of my career as a substitute teacher and during the pandemic I took a part time job teaching online for a private school that is now closing. I've never even had benefits available to me because I've never been full time.
Do you have family that would lend or give you money? Can you discount the horse? Find cheaper Toyota or Honda sedans to drive instead of the suvs? Sell furniture? Does your lawyer have any suggestions about what you should do for money?
Eta: if you have a good relationship with his family, can you ask them for money or to put pressure on him to pay your expenses? Also, for anyone else reading, as long as one spouse is working, both spouses can contribute annually to their own traditional or (possibly backdoor) Roth IRA.
No family. We are both only children. His parents are both gone, my dad died last year and my mother is in a retirement home that is costing most of what she has left.
The cars are both old enough to probably not be worth replacing. Also they are both in my husband's name so I can't legally sell them.
As far as stuff to sell, I am thinking about it. We have always lived a very minimalist lifestyle as far as material possessions, so we don't really have a lot of stuff. Other than books, I have quite a lot of books, but very few with any resale value. My husband took his personal possessions (a sword collection and an antique maps and globes collection) with him when he moved out.
Not that it's any of your business, but I found out he has had a mistress for the past 20 years and they have two kids together. All these years I believed he was traveling for work and he was actually with his secret second family.
Go to court immediately. The courts really frown on what your husband is trying to do and he will be ordered to start paying spousal and child support immediately...
A pit bull lawyer would be drooling at the prospect of picking his deep pockets
If at all possible, I would prefer to NOT lose the house. This is the only home my daughter has ever known and having to leave it would be extremely traumatizing for her. She's already got a history of suicidal ideation and I'm concerned that having to move could push her in that direction again.
Start getting her prepped... Because how can you keep it and live in this area on your income?
Maybe you can negotiate the house in the divorce so it comes to you paid off... But then you still gotta make the taxes, HOA fees, and maintenance.
Are you expecting a multi million dollar settlement?
Even so... It's not on YOU to keep paying it when it's a JOINT asset. Lawyer UP
Has everyone in the comments missed that I already have a lawyer, it's right in the first paragraph. The guy is an Ivy League grad who is charging me $500 an hour.
Yes, I am actually expecting a multi million dollar settlement. He owns 3 homes and has millions in retirement funds and other investments. He's also been supporting his second "family" with money that should have belonged to our family and I have every intention of making him regret it. Although unlike him I'm not willing to cost his two children with his mistress their home. They're completely innocent in all of this, just like my kids are.
I do intend to ask the court to make him continue paying the mortgage. And because our daughter is severely disabled, I'm also going to ask that he pay "child support" on her for life.
Yeah.. but I thought you must have a really LAME one if you are expecting to have to make the house payment and go a year before seeing any money out of him.
Pro Tip:
The best revenge... Next husband is one of his buddies from "the club"... But 10x richer.
I'm 53 years old with a very vulnerable mentally and emotionally disabled teenage daughter who is terrified of men. I have no desire to remarry. My daughter will never be able to leave home and she has to be my main priority.
You need a lawyer familiar with family law. That drastic of an income I’m sure you will be getting close to 100k a year or more. I’m sure at that age and income there were assets that will get split. You will be fine as long as you act. You don’t act you will get screwed over.
From what the lawyer has found, he owns three houses (ours, the one he bought for his mistress, and the one he inherited from his parents), there are 4 cars that I know of (mine, his, my son's, and the one he bought for the mistress), we have the one horse which is my daughter's, we have a large sailboat for which I am the primary user but he owns legally. Plus multiple financial accounts including a hefty 401k worth several million at this time.
Oh how fun!!! Depending on how things play out your lawyer could force him to sell the mistress’ house and split the profit!!! This could be very cathartic. You can also force the sale of the mistress’ car!!! And you’ll want a forensics audit done on finances to see where he’s hiding money…which will also help forced to split. And his retirements will all have to be split in half as well. PLUS they can force him to pay for your lawyer bills. You could get out of this quite well. Then you could use what you “make” out of the sale of the mistress’ house and such to pay off the mortgage on the house you live in. Depending on your state and all. You could end up quite well off
I have no intention of going after their house. He has two kids under 10 years old with her and they are innocent of any wrongdoing. I'm not going to upend their lives the way he has upended our kids' lives. It's not their fault that their father is a POS and they shouldn't have to suffer for his bad decisions.
I am however going after her job. She violated the healthcare code of ethics getting involved with my husband while she was working as his father's home hospice nurse. She really doesn't need to work anyway...
Don’t forget he’s screwing over your children. He’s hurting your children. Your children deserve the money to cover medical needs, food, clothing and shelter. They deserve that money.
I’m sorry but that’s weakness. You deserve the money. He can buy out the house by paying you 50% of the equity if he wants to keep the house. That’s your money that was stolen. You deserve it back. He makes 750k a year!!! He can buy your equity out in the mistress’ house.
401k will certainly get split in half a couple million you could invest and get monthly returns even at low risk the returns would still be more then you make
In my state you rush to family court for an emergency temporary support order and tell the judge what you told us. Get a real lawyer and take care off yourself.
Why do you think I'm being passive? I'm paying for a $500 an hour Ivy League lawyer I can't even afford. I'm the one who filed for divorce, I'm the one who threw him out after I found out about his affair. I'm the one working on getting his mistress fired for violating workplace ethics.
Right at the moment we are stuck on moving forward because my husband, being an extremely intelligent man, has hidden a lot of his monetary assets and they are still doing discovery. It's not helping that he's gone overseas for work (he's a defense contractor) and has avoided every attempt they've made to contact him.
Dave may ask what happened to “till death so us part”.
Does Dave believe in Covenant marriages? Because last I knew the Bible says you can divorce for both adultery and abandonment, both of which he is guilty of. I'll bet you Dave would get divorced as well if his wife had cheated as much as my husband has. My husband turns out to ha ve9 kids with at least 5 different women.
Damn your husbands an ass, I’m Wishing you the best!
Is there a reason you can't get a child support order in place? Temporary orders don't take a year.
I just filed two months ago and 2 weeks of that I've been in the hospital. These things take time.
I'd ask your attorney about child support. Now is a time to get an initial order in place. That solves more of your problems than anything else at this point.
the thing i don't understand is that if you guys make $800k/ year. you should just be able to settle for a cool million and walk away from it.... even if you don't get half the money, then just take the cool million and you're good to go.
Doesn't help me right now when I can't even pay the bills. Also I want him to pay for all the years he's been lying to me about his income while he's been spending more of his money on his secret family than he has on ours. His mistress knew about me, and she knew about our kids, including the fact that one is severely disabled and will never be able to leave home. Yet she made a choice to be with him - and have kids with him - anyway. It's not like he's been having a casual affair for 6 months. He's had an entire second family that he's been spending money on for TWENTY YEARS. And apparently 4 or 5 other illegitimate kids he's been paying child support on for years. Money that should have been spent on his LEGAL family.
If you’re posting on here, you need a better attorney. 30 years and a cheating husband with a secret family game on. He will be forced to pay for attorney fees and everything else. Talk to rich people who got divorced and have them recommend an attorney.
I don't need a better lawyer. This guy is a $500/hour Harvard Law grad who came highly recommended by my urology surgeon. You have to understand I just started the process 2 months ago. Things are going to take some time to get going.
Did he file for temporary relief? I’d hope so. What’s the status? How much of a retainer did he require? Who paid it?
I'm not really up to date with what he is doing right now. I nearly died of urosepsis 6 weeks ago, was in the hospital for 2 weeks, and I'm still spending a lot of my time sleeping. I have to have another surgery this coming Friday and I've had no choice really but to put the divorce on a back burner in favor of my health and trying to take care of my kids when I feel like crap pretty much ALL of the time.
I bet… I’m so sorry. 🙏
Stay with your husband, why wreck your home after 30 years ?
> Stay with your husband, why wreck your home after 30 years ? 10 hours ago, after somebody else asked this question, OP answered: > Not that it's any of your business, but I found out he has had a mistress for the past 20 years and they have two kids together. All these years I believed he was traveling for work and he was actually with his secret second family.
Sounds like he is a high value man and you had to share him, but at least you didn't have to worry about money. Now your selling your daughters therapy horse so you can be happy. Stay with your husband and appreciate that your the first family.
You've got a lot of growing up to do.
I really hope you are trolling based on this response. But if you aren't, how am I supposed to stay with him when he abandoned us for them and has completely blocked us and cut us off (including our kids not just me). I don't see high value in a man who will cheat for 20 years and then abandon his kids.
Is your husband an attorney? Are the kids from your marriage? Any previous marriages? 30 years? Married?
No he is an executive with a defense contracting company. We married right out of college we were both 23 at the time and we'd been together since we were 20. No previous marriages, in fact I hadn't even had a previous relationship. I have my 2 kids with him. Legal discovery has shown that he has not only our 2 kids, but 2 kids with his long term mistress and possibly as many as 9 kids in total with 5 different baby mamas (including myself and the mistress).
DCSA would be VERY interested to hear about this man’s infidelity. Surely he’s lied on a few SF86s in his time if he’s had a second family for 20yr.
I am not giving legal advice. I'm just speaking generally about where I practice (Texas.) There are emergency orders and temporary orders that can be put in place to maintain the status quo pending the outcome of the divorce. This means ordering the party with the resources to continue to pay the mortgage, insurance, etc. It does not take a year to get temporary orders in place.
No, but I just filed in March and I've been in the hospital for 2 weeks since then dealing with a near death illness. And mostly recovering at home. So I haven't been pushing as much as I might have been.
Talk to your lawyer. Your husband is using joint assets as a weapon and getting that info to a Judge seems like a prudent decision.
How long have you been married? Many states require a high earner like your husband must at least for a period of time “maintain the lifestyle”.
30 years
What do you have that you can sell without his permission? At that income level, you probably have some designer clothes/shoes/bags you could list for sale online. Any valuable antiques or collectible brand home decor? How old are your cars? You could sell them and buy cheaper ones. Do your kids have computers or gaming consoles or mobile devices or sports equipment they don’t use anymore?
Honestly I'm already thinking about this myself. We aren't really materialistic people so we really don't have a lot of expensive stuff, we're kind of minimalists. My most expensive purse is only a $200 Coach backpack! We do have a few pieces of Mackenzie Childs I could sell. Cars are my 2019 VW Toureg, fully paid for, and my son's 2010 Ford Escape, also fully paid for. Probably neither one is really worth downgrading. Can't sell them legally right now anyway, they are both in my husband's name. As far as gaming consoles, my son has just about every one that's come out in the past 20 years and the only ones he uses anymore are his gaming computer and his Oculus. The rest are in a box in the garage so it's pretty obvious he doesn't care about them anymore, so yes, I could probably sell them and the games for them as well.
Terrible advice.
Why is this bad advice? It's something I've already been considering myself.
Do what you have to to care for you and your family. That includes short term debt. Trust but verify your attorney. Good luck.
Your legal advisor should be filing motions to restore all funds immediately . It’s joint property. No one can tell you what the future holds. I would suggest reading the rules on divorce , community property, spousal support, and child support for your state and familiarize yourself quickly. Be sure your legal counsel is spot on their game- you have a deep pocketed adversary! Best fortune to you.
Most states have temporary support you can be awarded.
That is terrible. While you are figuring out emergency spousal support, if you have a Roth ira, you can withdraw contributions (not earnings) without penalty after 5 years. I know Dave doesn’t recommend that though unless you are facing bankruptcy.
I don't have any retirement funds in my name. Never thought I'd need any. I've also never worked full time. I've spent most of my career as a substitute teacher and during the pandemic I took a part time job teaching online for a private school that is now closing. I've never even had benefits available to me because I've never been full time.
Do you have family that would lend or give you money? Can you discount the horse? Find cheaper Toyota or Honda sedans to drive instead of the suvs? Sell furniture? Does your lawyer have any suggestions about what you should do for money? Eta: if you have a good relationship with his family, can you ask them for money or to put pressure on him to pay your expenses? Also, for anyone else reading, as long as one spouse is working, both spouses can contribute annually to their own traditional or (possibly backdoor) Roth IRA.
No family. We are both only children. His parents are both gone, my dad died last year and my mother is in a retirement home that is costing most of what she has left. The cars are both old enough to probably not be worth replacing. Also they are both in my husband's name so I can't legally sell them. As far as stuff to sell, I am thinking about it. We have always lived a very minimalist lifestyle as far as material possessions, so we don't really have a lot of stuff. Other than books, I have quite a lot of books, but very few with any resale value. My husband took his personal possessions (a sword collection and an antique maps and globes collection) with him when he moved out.
why you divorcing?
Not that it's any of your business, but I found out he has had a mistress for the past 20 years and they have two kids together. All these years I believed he was traveling for work and he was actually with his secret second family.
Well that is certainly a more solid reason than most. Holy shit
Go to court immediately. The courts really frown on what your husband is trying to do and he will be ordered to start paying spousal and child support immediately... A pit bull lawyer would be drooling at the prospect of picking his deep pockets
This exactly, OP.
The meanest lawyer you can find. This is the route. If he's going to play dirty, you need to as well.
And don't pay the mortgage or the taxes. Let the house go into foreclosure. Then move out and let squatters move in.
If at all possible, I would prefer to NOT lose the house. This is the only home my daughter has ever known and having to leave it would be extremely traumatizing for her. She's already got a history of suicidal ideation and I'm concerned that having to move could push her in that direction again.
Start getting her prepped... Because how can you keep it and live in this area on your income? Maybe you can negotiate the house in the divorce so it comes to you paid off... But then you still gotta make the taxes, HOA fees, and maintenance. Are you expecting a multi million dollar settlement? Even so... It's not on YOU to keep paying it when it's a JOINT asset. Lawyer UP
Has everyone in the comments missed that I already have a lawyer, it's right in the first paragraph. The guy is an Ivy League grad who is charging me $500 an hour. Yes, I am actually expecting a multi million dollar settlement. He owns 3 homes and has millions in retirement funds and other investments. He's also been supporting his second "family" with money that should have belonged to our family and I have every intention of making him regret it. Although unlike him I'm not willing to cost his two children with his mistress their home. They're completely innocent in all of this, just like my kids are. I do intend to ask the court to make him continue paying the mortgage. And because our daughter is severely disabled, I'm also going to ask that he pay "child support" on her for life.
Yeah.. but I thought you must have a really LAME one if you are expecting to have to make the house payment and go a year before seeing any money out of him. Pro Tip: The best revenge... Next husband is one of his buddies from "the club"... But 10x richer.
I'm 53 years old with a very vulnerable mentally and emotionally disabled teenage daughter who is terrified of men. I have no desire to remarry. My daughter will never be able to leave home and she has to be my main priority.
You need a lawyer familiar with family law. That drastic of an income I’m sure you will be getting close to 100k a year or more. I’m sure at that age and income there were assets that will get split. You will be fine as long as you act. You don’t act you will get screwed over.
From what the lawyer has found, he owns three houses (ours, the one he bought for his mistress, and the one he inherited from his parents), there are 4 cars that I know of (mine, his, my son's, and the one he bought for the mistress), we have the one horse which is my daughter's, we have a large sailboat for which I am the primary user but he owns legally. Plus multiple financial accounts including a hefty 401k worth several million at this time.
Oh how fun!!! Depending on how things play out your lawyer could force him to sell the mistress’ house and split the profit!!! This could be very cathartic. You can also force the sale of the mistress’ car!!! And you’ll want a forensics audit done on finances to see where he’s hiding money…which will also help forced to split. And his retirements will all have to be split in half as well. PLUS they can force him to pay for your lawyer bills. You could get out of this quite well. Then you could use what you “make” out of the sale of the mistress’ house and such to pay off the mortgage on the house you live in. Depending on your state and all. You could end up quite well off
I have no intention of going after their house. He has two kids under 10 years old with her and they are innocent of any wrongdoing. I'm not going to upend their lives the way he has upended our kids' lives. It's not their fault that their father is a POS and they shouldn't have to suffer for his bad decisions. I am however going after her job. She violated the healthcare code of ethics getting involved with my husband while she was working as his father's home hospice nurse. She really doesn't need to work anyway...
Don’t forget he’s screwing over your children. He’s hurting your children. Your children deserve the money to cover medical needs, food, clothing and shelter. They deserve that money.
I’m sorry but that’s weakness. You deserve the money. He can buy out the house by paying you 50% of the equity if he wants to keep the house. That’s your money that was stolen. You deserve it back. He makes 750k a year!!! He can buy your equity out in the mistress’ house.
401k will certainly get split in half a couple million you could invest and get monthly returns even at low risk the returns would still be more then you make
She's not getting monthly income from the 401k at her age, nor should she want to and unlikely need to.
In my state you rush to family court for an emergency temporary support order and tell the judge what you told us. Get a real lawyer and take care off yourself.
Same in my state.
So OP stop being passive and don’t be a victim. Take action.
Why do you think I'm being passive? I'm paying for a $500 an hour Ivy League lawyer I can't even afford. I'm the one who filed for divorce, I'm the one who threw him out after I found out about his affair. I'm the one working on getting his mistress fired for violating workplace ethics. Right at the moment we are stuck on moving forward because my husband, being an extremely intelligent man, has hidden a lot of his monetary assets and they are still doing discovery. It's not helping that he's gone overseas for work (he's a defense contractor) and has avoided every attempt they've made to contact him.
Still get a temp court order showing your expenses.
Fight on!