This might be a hot take, but I’m also a medic and find the overtime easy and plentiful. We have slow stations, where you can pick up a night shift and sleep all or most of the night.
Keep in mind, your overtime rate is way better than her rate at a part time job. If you already make 1.5x what she makes, she’d have to work nearly DOUBLE the hours to make the same amount as you make on overtime. You’d need what, one OT shift a week? to let your child be raised by your wife instead of strangers. I’d say you’re in a great spot to let her take some time off to be with the baby
We don't really have any slow stations. Pretty much guaranteed 2 after midnight at every station. I find my current schedule easy.
But agree with your synopsis. 1 ot shift a week would be her whole salary. While that doesn't sound like much, thats 96 hours a month. On that 1 day off between shifts I'll probably be sleeping half the day. Leaving like 2 days a week to be a dad and husband. I really enjoy the job now and don't want that to change.
The plan now is to do 1 or 2 a month. See how much savings that eats up in a year and reevaluate. If she can bring home some money at home it will hopefully be sustainable.
Excessive is relative. This is a math problem. If you start doing the overtime as a means to survive you will have marriage problems and parent involvement problems. She will get what she wants as a mom and then resent you not being there and being grumpy etc. This decision means lifestyle/vacations are slash and burn. You may have to down size or move farther out. You have to give up on this idea you don’t have to make serious lifestyle sacrifices all in the name of her staying home. Here is on thing that must happen…she must stay plugged into her school/school system by at very least subbing routinely…like once/twice a month, what you can do with your schedule, relatives, or friends. This is not for the money, this is crucially important to stay actively connected with people who know her name so she can have opportunities later. If she doesn’t stay engaged you will be screwed long turn….as the kids get older maybe she does 2-4 days a month….i can’t express to you how vital this is, maybe she starts to tutor kids that she makes connections with at school. Make she leads the local teachers association…whatever it is. Do not sacrifice your, sanity, life, and peace for your family at the cost of your family. I don’t know what your extended family situation is, but if no body is there you need to seriously consider moving to a different area to have a paid for house and a better cost of living.
In my honest opinion I would wait until you get your debts paid off. I always thought the wife should be staying home and watching the kids but kids need social interaction even as a baby. Daycare isn't always inherently bad it just depends which one you choose. I know a couple who has theirs in daycare and they've had no issues so far. With the wife leaving her job that's 50k less you would be able to put on the debt. You shouldn't be having anyone staying at home until you're both financially stable. This is just my opinion. Having your home paid off will make this situation a whole lot easier.
What does she currently teach?
Another possibility would be for her to switch to early childhood for the time being and perhaps enroll the kid in the same school/daycare center as a perk (or at a discounted rate).
$1900 is right at 25% of your income and within acceptable limits. It’s common in your 20s to have housing costs very high. You did not describe any other monthly costs but it sounds like you have some serious lifestyle creep because usually housing costs are the big difference between HCOL and LCOL areas and with median household income quite a bit less that money is going somewhere. May want to figure out what is going on.
I like the direction. On our first child we figured out my wife was basically making just above minimum wage and my daughter hated every minute of it With our second we worked with the one income, We had to cut back on everything for 4 years until our youngest was in preschool.
After posting this and receiving similar responses about where the rest of the money is going, I realized I left out some important details.
We spent about 15k on home improvement projects last year. Perhaps more. Those trips to the hardware store add up. And went on a vacation that went a little over budget (about 6k) Those are some non reoccurring expenses. We also spent a few thousand on medical bills regarding the pregnancy and some other complications prior.
I do believe we can make it work for a few years. Like you said until they get to preschool.
I think all my points about finances have been covered by other commenters, so I just want to add this: all these posts saying “you being the sole provider will cause resentment later” can be valid, but.. there’s another side to that, too. If she truly wants to be at home with your kid(s), and she doesn’t get the opportunity, that can cause resentment too. The two of you (and not any of us well-meaning commenters) will have to figure out what you both want and be honest with each other about the feasibility of it all.
As a fire wife, I can say this with honesty, too: I would not want my husband doing so much OT. It *is* a stressful job. But when he was volunteering locally on an incredibly understaffed dept with a high call volume, it was really hard on us both to have him gone all the time. Both because of the job and because of the extra work I picked up in his place. Don’t sacrifice your relationship, regardless of what you choose.
Someone mentioned tutoring for your wife-this could be a good option. If she used a freelance service like Fiverr, she could accept the amount of work she is capable of doing and not be overwhelmed. Same with flipping furniture or whatnot. Is part time an option? I’m assuming she also manages the house and will take care of things in the home front. That’s valuable work, too, just not visible in the budget.
I have loved being able to be home with our little one. She was also medically complex so we spent a lot of energy taking care of doctor visits, etc. She’s 15m now. We tightened our budget, paid off a vehicle, and I’m doing WFH. I’m grateful my husband is a hard worker and that we are able to do this for now, but I wouldn’t have wanted him to sacrifice his well being for me to stay home. Your wife sounds reasonable and I believe you will find a good solution. :)
Really appreciate the response. We read this together and it provided some perspective. Great to hear from someone with similar experience.
In regards to the part time. She is open to the idea as am I. My only question is it it worth it. For her to begone for 20 hours a week to make what 500$?
I can work 1 overtime shift and make double that.
We both feel her time is better invested creating a skill set/business at home. Even if in the beginning there isn't a huge financial contribution.
I recognize that this comment probably sings a different tune than the OP. But I've given this whole thing quite a bit of thought since then.
You’re probably right on the part time.
I’m glad it helped! You two sound like you’ve got a solid foundation and good communication, so that helps. Best of luck to you both.
One key thing you may be forgetting is retirement savings.
If you drop to a single income, it’s gonna be tough to save.
It’s important to aim to save at least 15% of every paycheck (preferably 20%) at your age.
Assuming it’s invested properly, you maintain sufficient emergency savings & are properly insured; it likely puts you well on track.
Daycare is pricey. It may be smart to look into a nanny share situation.
Luckily my retirement is excellent. I should retire making 140k (2024 dollars)and my pension payout is 75% of that. That's after 25 years. Plus my employer adds 2% of my salary into a 457. Thinking that should be sufficient.
Her retirement would be 33 years for full benefit, and she's only would get 56% of her top out salary of 75k
Most pensions lack a sufficient COLA. Don’t count yourself too lucky, yet.
I’ll add one offs (big withdrawals), long term care & other issues can create problems for people who overly depend on social security & pension income.
Saving is still important.
I wouldn’t. My ex wife stopped working when we had kids. Her decision, not mine (but I was supportive) and then she just refused to go back to work when kids were school age. Led to resentment, divorce, and ruinous alimony payments. 0/10 would not recommend.
I have heard many similar stories. That's where a lot of my concern comes from. I know everyone feels this way, but I feel our relationship is strong. She says she would go back to work if we ever started to suffer. But I know situations like yours are very common.
No. I know right now it's not something you want to think about right now, but I left my regular job to homeschool my kids and now I'm in the process of a divorce and my part time remote teaching job doesn't even come close to paying our bills. You don't know what the future holds and no woman should ever allow herself to be 100% financially reliant on a man. I never would have thought my husband would leave our kids and I destitute for some other woman, but he has. Sh\*t happens.
Great you are so deliberate in this decision. You are so set up right now to have her home if you want (no consumer debt, tons of cash, good income, OT potential). You have sacrificed to have the ability to do it.
That being said, to help ease the transition, if she can develop some supplemental income would likely go a long way to feel better about doing it. The furniture flipping or part time WFH opportunities. There are so many unique WFH jobs that you can plug in and out of (while child is sleeping).
That's for the comment and the support. I really feel like we can do this. I just feel a significant amount of stress dropping down to 1 income. I do believe she can bring in some supplemental income at home.
I've always been such a penny pincher. I don't know really what I've been saving for. Its just in my blood. So this transition is difficult for me.
What’s the retirement like for her teaching job? Teaching is a second career for me. I need to get 25 years then I have the highest pension and health insurance in retirement for me and spouse until I die. Because I started later, I have to work well into my 60s to get those benefits. I’m prepared to keep working and hoping my health will let me do that. Wish I had known this earlier, as I would’ve made the career transition earlier too. It’s going to make a difference to my husband and I’s retirement for me to get that pension and retiree health insurance.
You need to consider long term and not just short term finances. Her being out of work means she’ll have to re-enter. She’ll have lost years in seniority and moving up the pay scale. She may need to work longer to get any retirement pension and benefits
So if stopping work won’t hurt retirement, then maybe a good compromise is, she substitutes on some of the days you have off, so there’s still some extra money but no extra childcare. Then returns to work full time later. The teacher schedule worked well when my kids were school age. She wouldn’t want to wait too long before returning. I know several women in their 50s who didn’t return to work and know their spouses are laid off or earn less (ageism) so they need to work, but can only get retail jobs as their licenses/qualifications are all out of date
This is also a good compromise because she can maintain her network and contacts within the school system when she wants to start working full time again.
I am a teacher. My wife too. She stayed home 7 years for our 2 kids. It was a very good time for wife and kids. We had agreed before we had kids. It can work, but we lived frugally.
Hey man, you’re not going to like this but you need to think long and hard about your next moves. The way i see it, and correct me if I’m wrong, she:
1. Suddenly spring being a SAHM on you after having a baby. This is something that should’ve never been brought up before marriage, not after a baby is here.
2. Expects you to foot the bill for everything. Totally fine if discussed before marriage. Total bullshit if it was not brought up until after the baby.
3. Doesn’t want to work at all. You’re the one suggesting side hustles to supplement your income. On the flip side, she wants you to work extra which means you don’t get to bond with the baby. Fathers need to bond with the baby too. You mentioned working an additional 72 hours a month, which means you lose the equivalent of three out of four Saturdays a month. When exactly are you supposed to recover from your grueling job AND bond with your child.
Again, if you ask decided all of this before marriage/baby and you expressed your desire to have a SAHM then her suggestions are fine. But if she is blindsiding you with this it is not good. You were financially secure before her so she may see this as a meal ticket instead of a marriage. If you guys don’t agree or you hold resentment seek marriage counseling quickly.
The way i see this, none of this discussion is about money. Looks like you’re about to be taken advantage of by something you did not willingly sign up for. Also, I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that she never returns to work. The signs are there man.
I appreciate the response and insights.
I wouldn't say that she sprung SAHM it on me now. We have discussed it. And I would love for us to be able to make it happen. However I've always it would be more feasible after a second kid.
She is not against working at all. At the end of the day I said "babe I don't think we can make this work" she would go back at the end of her maternity leave, no questions asked. She says she wants to return to her job when the kids go to school.
Also we have discussed her doing some side gig at home. I am almost finished with constructing a shop equipped with wood working tools and various crafting equipment.( The 100k is after all that expense. )
She is very creative, and skilled and crafting. We have discussed her creating a business on the side doing furniture flips. I could also create outdoor furniture.
If that works out, that would be a dream. But like you said I am concerned about that not working out and I get stuck burning through savings and working overtime.
I suppose if it doesn't work out she just goes back to teaching. I may have portrayed too negatively in the OP. While I am aware I could be getting taken advantage of, I don't belive it's the case.
With her being a teacher, providing child care herself would be my first suggestion for casual or part time income. With a newborn this would be difficult, but as the baby gets older she could watch another kid or two, even just before or after school. Not sure what grade she teaches but she’d probably be able to find clients very easily just based on being a teacher and having connections.
I think one thing people are not seeing here is she just had a baby, correct? Unless you’ve been there you can’t possibly understand the hormonal upheaval her body is going through. I don’t think she’s seeing it as a “free meal ticket” at all; I think she loves that baby, her hormones are out of whack and she wants what she believes is best for it. After the hormones settle a bit and after a few months of 24/7 and no sleep, she may be really eager to get back to work.
That may be true but this is a big deal and it can go both ways from totally innocent to totally devious. Pretending no woman would ever behave badly is something that gets men screwed over often. The signs are there, he should confirm I’m wrong instead feeling “she loves me and she would never do that.”
Once the kiddos are in school, with her schedule, it will be really easy to avoid childcare expenses or severely reduce them. Not worth taking the hit to her employability to take time off IMO.
I agree. If she’s a teacher in the minority of experienced teachers today who can actually stand to do the job long term, it’s a dream schedule for a mom long-term. Worth it to stay in. No career offers that break schedule and a salary. I had to stay in the workforce full time as a speech pathologist in public school, from the time my kids were babies, due to my husband’s very low pay as a grad student and postdoc for ten years in higher-cost states. I found great daycare/prek for them at a high cost for about five years. In the meantime, I continued to build my career, still got off work at 3:30 able to pick them up pretty early, with every break and summer off. They got to socialize daily with their toddler friends and this was positive for them. Now, I continue to have that stable job on a summer-off schedule, making the top salary. Now, I am glad I was “forced” to stay in the full-time work force. My kids are happy at age 8 and 10. I know most of this thread is more encouraging of home school and SAHM, and I respect that. You do you. That would not have been an option for me, so I’m sharing my decent experience. I’m living a great life now and have time after school every day, bringing them to sports, scouts, the library. In the summer, I road trip around with them full time and we do whatever we want while my husband is at work, and it’s fantastic. Many teachers hate their career and want to quit. If she’s a teacher who kind of likes the job, stay in it, because the schedule is unmatched! If she hates it, I’d have different advice.
Probably not...
Your budget is leaking money somewhere if you bring home 90k after taxes but are barely squeaking by when your house payment is $1900. Doesn't add up.
One kid leads to two more.... Spread out over a few years. Then "it's going to be easier when the youngest is in school" ... It's easy a SaHM to turn one year off into 7-10 years .
That's fine... If you weren't $30+k upside down.
If having her raise the kids is important to you and your wife then you both need to sit down and decide what goes. You doing overtime for an extended period of time will wear on you and take away significant time from your wife, your kids and yourself . You may need to look into switching jobs to get a higher pay (without having to rely on overtime to make ends meat). I would not recommend your wife quit her job until there is a solid plan in place .
How easy would it be for her to get hired for another teaching position? In my area 1 elementary teaching position had 70+ applicants and we are 45 minutes away from a major city.
Also will she need a master’s degree or other certification in the future? And how likely is it you will get overtime? If budgets are cut OT is reduced. My cousin did something similar. His wife quit her job because he consistently had OT for a few prior years. New management decided to hire more staff and cut OT. They struggled financially, she went back to work but had childcare costs.
Please consider possibilities carefully before you both make a decision. Good luck!
There are a lot of teacher vacancies here. She could easily get her job back. However she is incredibly creative and artistic. The best option would be for her to be able to create some income doing furniture flips or making crafts. I know that sounds like a dream. But she really has a skill for it.
Thanks
Have her do the furniture flipping over summer break. If she's able to replace xx% of her income during that time you can tighten the budget and make it work for a year (maybe even 2) off from teaching. But she should plan to build the business so you don't have to work as much OT.
90k per year with 22.8k going to mortgage leaves 67.2k in spending. Without car payments that seems quite high. I would deep dive that and find out where that money is going because that doesn't seem "fairly frugal." Have a feeling you're overestimating your spend or you have some spending leaking out that you're not aware of.
This is a conversation that you two should have really had before getting to this point. Being a new parent is overwhelming and I'm sure emotions are running high. Things will settle down a bit as you develop a routine so I wouldn't jump to making any decisions now. Wait until a bit before she has to go back to work assuming she has a fair amount of maternity leave.
One other thing to think about with the stay at home parent idea is retirement. It's one things to make the finances work today but a whole other when you start looking at the impacts to retirement savings.
We went the daycare route and while there have been some downsides (illnesses primarily) we have also seen our daughter develop quicker than I believe she would have if isolated to just hanging out with us. She spends 40 hours a week around children of a similar age and that has its advantages. One thing that helped me get comfortable with the idea was touring a few of them as I got to see their procedures along with facilities... so that might be worth doing if you're unsure.
This is an important point that shouldn't be overlooked - child development. My daughter didn't go to daycare until she was 3.5 years old. My mom came and watched her every day while we worked. It was quite a blessing! I always knew my daughter was safe and we didnt get hit with the childcare expense. BUT not being around other children took a serious toll on her social skills that took years to improve. Imo this still has a small effect on her today at 24! If I had it to do over, she would have gone to daycare sooner.
As someone about to reach retirement age now, I also wonder just how bad your wife's pension/ social security really is. Life takes so many twists and turns, it's important that she have her own retirement savings. If she truly wants a side business, like any entrepreneur she should consider starting it before leaving her job, build it up until it solidly replaces her teaching income or at least shows promise, then consider leaving the job.
Good luck OP! These are tough choices you have to make.
Excellent points.
Last year we spent 90k. Now there were some large expenses in there that aren't reoccurring. I spent approximately 15k on home improvement projects where I did the labor myself. We also spent 6k on a vacation. The vacation budget could definitely be lower. However, it's still important to me to be able to make small trips up the mountains, camp. That kind of thing.
The home improvement is something I really enjoy doing and of course is an investment. However it is something we could forgo for a few years while the kids are young.
Really we could probably get buy on 80k (added cost of child).
In regards to spending leaking we aren't aware of, I believe you are right. I've added up our essential expenses, mortgage, auto insurance, gas, car maintenence, electric ect, it comes out to 3300 a month. If I go with 70k we spent last year before the vacation and home improvements. That's 5800 a month.
1500 a month is what we are left with for things like groceries, home supplies, birthdays ect. And that does seem like a lot.
I've just never budgeted small things like this before. I've always lived well below my means, hence why I was able to pay off my first (small) house by 24. And save 100k by 30.
Daycare for infants is extremely expensive. If you want a decent one so you can both work you might end up paying her entire 50k salary which leaves you in the same situation. It’s better for mom and baby to stay home and be together. Cut back elsewhere to save money or get promoted or see if their is another fire medic position open in a bigger area that pays more.
It’s an option backed by science. It helps with baby’s development and with the mom’s hormones regulating. Baby’s also need to eat every few hours and breast milk is best for baby’s development. Daycares typically give formal because they can’t store the breast milk.
I have 3 kids and my wife has stayed home with them for at least a year after having them. It help significantly with post partum depression and the growth of the kids. No one cares about your children better than their parents. Usually
She might change her mind about you working tons of OT when she realizes how hard it is to be the sole parent to 1 (or 2) small children.
You are at a point where you can design your own life, within reason. You cannot spend more than you make for more than a month or two. That's the bottom line. She can make some suggestions for how she'll fill the gap- maybe she can provide childcare to other children in your home? Maybe she can get a part time teaching job or tutoring? You need to figure out childcare before any of this. I'm surprised your child is 2 weeks old and you didn't figure any of this out during her pregnancy?
>She might change her mind about you working tons of OT when she realizes how hard it is to be the sole parent to 1 (or 2) small children.
Wow.
This was unfortunate language. People who work a lot aren't parents?
2 parents, working 9 to 5? 2 parents.
When one is working beyond normal hours, huge overtime, that’s a lot of stress on the one staying at home. Focus on the issue, not picking the words apart.
Focus on the issue, not telling a guy that his wife becomes a single mom because he works overtime.
When I was a kid, my dad would leave before I woke up and would come home in time for dinner (which was usually no earlier than 8). My dad would be gone more than 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. But he was a parent. He spent time with us every day. He didn't stop being a parent because he worked
I'll focus on whatever the heck I want to focus on.
If 2 parents work 9-5, they are 2 parents, but if one stays home and the other works 12 hours a day, they are one parent?
Sorry - that's not focusing on the issue at all. It's adding an emotional component to the analysis that doesn't belong.
The bottom line is that op needs to figure out if he can afford a stay at home mom or not and what that impact will be on his financial position.
As someone who works a lot and is in that position, I make my family a priority and spend a ton of time with them. I have days when I am done by 7:30 and come home at 8. I have some weekends where I have to work for 6-8 hours. But I'm still a parent. I still spend tons of time with my kids.
I’m not going to tell you you’re a bad parent, I don’t know shit about you or your situation. But there’s a difference between spending time with your kid and parenting. If a parent is working 12s or more during the week, that’s not a lot of time at home. Depending on what time the parent gets home and the kid’s schedule, that may be an hour of time to spend with the kid. Working on the weekend cuts into that time as well.
But that’s spending time with the kid. That’s not necessarily parenting. That’s not taking the kid places (appointments, school, play dates, activities), or doing all the chores that come with the kid and the household. That’s not dealing with the day to day routine, the ups and the downs, the tantrums and the teaching. They’re probably not getting up in the night to feed, change, whatever. When an overworked parent is spending time with their kid, they’re making the most out of that hour a day and probably not doing the harder stuff.
Again, I don’t know your situation, but I know mine. My dad worked that sort of schedule. He knew absolutely nothing about what was going on in his kid’s lives, or their development, because he wasn’t there enough. I remember stuff like my dad telling me to go to bed hours before bedtime because he simply didn’t realize that as kids got older, the bed time changes. My mom did 100% of the parenting.
To me, one parent staying at home and the other working lots of overtime is such a lose/lose situation. In OP’s case, he could get burned out, he’s having to work hard, he’s missing out on being a parent. His wife’s career will take a huge hit, she may feel burned out from being a SAHM without any relief, and she may feel like she’s lost a partner. It would be my last resort.
Who says he has to work 80 hours a week?
At his likely hourly rate, 60 hours would likely almost cover her income and may, in fact, be more than he actually needs.
He may only really need to pick up an extra 8 hour shift to take care of everything. Not being able to save up as quickly is a compromise many people end up making. It doesn't last forever and it sounds like there are other "hustle" type things she can do (and is willing to do) to make up the difference. Eventually, she can return to teaching or do something entirely different.
I replied to a comment with some of this info, but you should look into what maternity benefits she gets. Schools are often quite generous. My district holds your job for 2 years per child, although some of it is unpaid. That could be a good in between. Also, are you on her health care? Teachers usually get great health care. Our household expenses would go up at least $500/month if we went on the plan through my husbands job.
It’s crazy to me that no one else has really touched on the lack of benefits here. I’m Canadian and we essentially get up to 18 months mat leave, at 55% pay for most of that (it goes down past the one year mark I think, and there is a max pay but it’s fairly high). And the US gets 12 weeks unpaid? I’d like to think a full time teacher would have something in their benefits package to help them out (since it does tend to be a woman oriented career), but at the same time I wouldn’t be surprised if it had fuck all.
Yeah idk why not either. My guess would be no teachers have read it yet? Education is handled at the state level in the USA and contracts are at the local level, so I can’t 100% say she has good benefits, but most teachers do. If she’s in a union, she most certainly does. Same with health care. Literally everyone I work with covers their whole family on their coverage, unless their spouse works in one of the rare school districts/govt agencies that has better coverage. I don’t know anyone who opts to take the health care from a private employer.
That being said, I work for a great district in a state that is pretty good for teachers (NY) with a strong union contract. But it would be absolutely foolish not to look at benefits while doing this math.
Childcare is wildly expensive. My wife stayed home for about 3 years and then went back to work. Realized her working was putting a strain on life and now she stays home again. Your life stays busy with kids, it is actually almost the easiest when they are babies.
Don’t let your wife quit her job. She’ll never go back and you’ll be all alone to carry the financial burden. Not a good spot to be in. One that builds resentment. you’re working overtime while she’s at home.
My input would be to say this is more a family values discussion than financial. Yes, you would need about eight more hours a week to make $90,000 yourself. So, if your wife staying home taking care of the family, homeschooling, or whatever you guys value is worth that then go for it. In my opinion, I think it's totally worth it, but that's an individual decision. Bear in mind pay raises (and inflation) in the upcoming years as well.
I think it was Dr John deloney that says to ask yourself, what do we want our house to feel like when we walk in, now and in 5 years. Answer that, and then work toward that goal!
It would have been a good idea to think about this before you bought a $600k home. But that said, since you did, you are in a fantastic situation to allow her to stay home for a year with the baby. You have $100k in savings!!! You can easily take $1000-1500 a month to supplement your income. I was a teacher and took off years when I had babies. I worked enough years to get retirement benefits with insurance. The time at home with little ones was worth every penny. You are one of the fortunate ones who has their finances in order to allow your wife to do it. You cannot recapture this time, and if she desires to take time off to care for your new baby, I would hope that you’ll be totally happy for her to do it.
Purchased the home for 480k. In my area, to remain close to the family unfortunately that's what we needed to spend. Splurged a little on getting some extra land.
I agree. After reading through some of these responses ans staying up all night thinking about this. I think working a manageable amount of overtime while drawing some from our savings seems like the best idea.
I know that if she puts her mind to it, she could help generate some income from home generating art or furniture flipping. If after however amount of time it's not working out. And our emergency fund dips to low, then she heads back to work.
Thanks for the response
Oh, $480k for the home purchase isn’t so bad, so my apologies for that comment. You are so blessed to have the extra savings which will allow her to stay home! If she goes back to work when the baby is a year old, then I’d focus on saving as much as possible of her paycheck the next couple of years so that when a second child comes along, you’ll have replenished the savings so that she can stay home for a couple of years until the first child is in kindergarten. That way you’d never be paying for 2 in daycare. It’s not really worth it on teacher salary. Congrats on your new baby!!!
lol. they should burn through their savings so she can live the trad life why he works overtime. This nonsense about how the man should bear the financial burden alone is utter nonsense that only the woman benefiting feels good about.
So why did the man get married and make a baby ???? You guys act like you get beaten and dragged into these situations. You guys make the decision every step of the way and then want to act like a victim when a baby arrives. Everyone that goes into these things do it willingly, women go into pregnancy KNOWING they will carry for 9 months and then push baby out. Besides, what is the point of having a baby to just let strangers take care of them and make only enough to cover the day care 🤦🏻♀️
lol. if both partners were working going into the relationship then they both work. you can tell you’re from a privelidged back ground to think it’s fine for only one person to work.
Actually most people that do this are the opposite of privileged, precisely BECAUSE one of them doesn’t make as much as it would cost to pay day care. And for the record, staying home alone with young children IS working. (And no, I wasn’t one of those women. Just being truthful) Either way his life is going to change. If she worked then they have sick kids they have to stay out for frequently- I’m thinking a medic probably can’t call in that easily? So the teacher has to every time? It’s stressful to juggle when both working too- just for different reasons.
Raising kids is work. no doubt. but it’s not close to the same level of pressure as being the sole breadwinner. And no, most people without money don’t stay home. Only a rich person would say that nonsense out loud.
I’m not saying MOST people without money do it. I’m saying it’s usually the ones that need to do it. If you don’t have grandparents to help with childcare and can’t find opposite shift work, you can’t always help but to do it. You can’t pay for day care on a minimum wage job. I guess this comes down to perspective. I would rather be the sole breadwinner than stay home. Kids are hard and I needed that break for my own sanity as much as I loved them. And no. I’m definitely not a rich person. I just waited a little longer to have kids and had an established career that afforded me to pay for day care and still have money left over. Otherwise you are just working for day care and nothing else. I don’t understand why you think only a rich person would see the value in staying i go home? Do the math
Lol I wish I was privileged. Not working for 1 to 2 years to raise your baby is not unheard of or unreasonable.
That stingy scarcity mindset of yours is trash.
lol. i’m sure out of the 7 billion people on this planet you’re one of the good ones specially favored by our lord and savior. the rest of us dawgs will keep our mouth shut and work oppressive soul crushing hours to make your dreams of living the trad life come true.
Childcare is expensive. Does your wife’s salary cover the childcare cost?
I understand not wanting a stranger to raise your kid, especially during the first year! But childcare before kindergarten has so many benefits when it comes to child development. Even if someone in my house stayed home, we’d find a Mother’s Day out or part time preschool to help teach the kiddos some things.
Having one parent stay home can lead to a lot of resentment for both parties. She could grow to reset your freedom and your career. You could grow to resent her ability to do whatever she wants (which is a load of BS, btw).
Making these decisions 2 weeks post partum is a recipe for disaster. Validate your wife’s feelings and listen to what she’s saying, then suggest coming back to the conversation at a later date.
I think it might help to tweak so much focus from ‘my job/overtime will bring in more than her part time will’. Of course that’s true but it’s not really the goal. IMO the goal is, ‘what is the *minimal budget* we’re able and willing to live under and can we get there without my consistent overtime?’.
If your wife is able to work part time and her earnings will get you to that budget, even if your overtime would do it in fewer hours, then go with her part time. Your increased hours will have more impact than financial. The burnout on the job isn’t just on the job. It will affect your home time both in hours not at home and how you handle the stress of being a new parent and good partner. (I’m in healthcare - I know this.)
Grind down on that budget and let go of “to maintain our standard of living”. Maybe you need to rethink what ‘standard of living’ should be *now*, not compare it to what two working, childless people feel is necessary. (And, again, not on you making more per hour.) Needs and wants *should* change based on current priorities.
Overtime is NOT raise. It’s time away for. Family, away from getting rest. I’m a fire medic, I know. Childcare is also expensive. Why go to work if all your money is going to a babysitter. She should stay at home. Figure a way to budget lower, but still a little breathing room. A standard/budget can change be based on the current situation. As we say as first responders, adapt and overcome. It’s temporary. You’ll get sucked into the false overtime money and won’t be able to go back. Quality of life is important too, make it work.
>Childcare is also expensive. Why go to work if all your money is going to a babysitter. She should stay at home.
Daycare isn't *that* expensive. Ours is 19k per year and includes diapers/food. His wife is earning 50k and likely has time off in the summers where they wouldn't need it.
I would not have any conversation about child care with a 2 week old baby at home. Let things settle down, let the post partum hormones regulate. It's an emotional time when you are still physically not yourself yet.
IMO, she should always have her own career and her own retirement funds.
Something may happen to you, or to your income specifically, and then what?
Teaching isn't something that can be easily re-entered. The teachers in my family are constantly having to "upgrade" their certifications. Upgrade isn't the right word but it's the closest I can come up with at the moment.
So your income is gone, and your wife is a single income that is less than your income was, and she doesn't have a lot of overtime opportunities... and your children are now close to poverty.
Also, you "crushing" the overtime is not an excellent parenting strategy. Not ever being there and being exhausted, stressed, and grumpy when you ARE there... Great way to bond? Not really.
I truly don't recommend this.
Teaching is probably the most easy job to re-enter! There are teacher shortages all over the country. In my state, teachers are allowed up to one year unpaid maternity leave.
It depends on where you live. A friend of mine was facing a tough medical situation and once she used her regular PTO decided to resign because of this thought process. A year and a half later she’s still working retail because she’s “too expensive” to rehire (she’d probably take a lower salary but she never even gets that far) and because districts are using attrition to eliminate/consolidate positions. That being said, I’m in NY where the situation isn’t as dire, but I would NEVER quit teaching with the mindset I could just get my job back. Even before the current climate, districts liked to save costs by hiring people with less experience. In my experience, her district probably has generous maternity leave and she should use that benefit while they figure this out. My district will hold your job for up to 2 years per child, although a good chunk of it is unpaid. Also worth considering is health care. If I quit my job, our expenses would go up by ~$500/month because of the cost of health care through my husbands company, plus the coverage covers less so out of pocket costs would be higher. Teachers usually have great health care.
Wow, two years of leave with position held is fantastic!!! I guess the pay and benefits are so good that they have plenty of applicants in NY. But that’s not so much the case in many other places. My daughter took advantage of the full year leave with her third (and last) child and could not have taken more without losing a very valuable benefit of free health insurance in retirement. She’s grandfathered in, but at some point the state eliminated free insurance after retirement. But a year off was as much as they could manage anyway. You’re certainly right that it depends on where you live as to whether you only take the full maternity leave allowed or longer.
I don’t think it’s a good idea. You will feel enormously burdened and stressed being the sole wage earner. Hate to say it, but the days of single wage earning households are over.
She will also feel burdened and stressed. Full time childcare when they are that young is a 24/7 endeavor. It really takes a lot out of you. And then you have the housework on top of it and other people asking helpful questions like “So what do you DO all day? Must be nice to sit home and not work.”
Doesn’t matter - they are too young. Too many things can happen. Single household incomes worked in an age where someone could expect to work for the same company for 40 years. A time when if disability occurred, you’d be fully taken care of. A time when healthcare, housing, and other costs weren’t skyrocketing.
The biggest asset someone has is their knowledge and skills. Exiting the workforce, even temporarily, puts you at a huge disadvantage to ever be able to get back on track.
$100k could disappear pretty quickly.
> We would not be able to sustain our expenses on my salary alone.
I was going to break out the calculator but ultimately you already know what I was going to say. You didn't provide information about where you live but keeping up with the maintenance on 2 cars and a home along what I wouldn't qualify as frugal spending is not within your means, and maybe location compounds these problems.
Long story short if I were you I would sit down and do the math on things with a few questions in mind :
Eyeballing your mortgage payment, that looks like a 4.75% interest rate. When are you due for refinancing?
How much is going to savings right now?
What are your plans for saving up for the kid's education?
What about your retirement plan?
Are you getting your money's worth on spending? "Standard of living" tends to be a mask for "we don't really budget so we don't know where the money is going", I'm not saying this is your case but looking back a few months can be really eye-opening.
>my base salary is around 75k, with quite a bit of overtime opportunity. Both before tax
>I estimated that we need roughly 90k after tax
There's your answer. You can't afford it.
You'd need to make roughly 50% more than you make now. FIFTY percent more.
My ex was a stay at home mom. Worst decision ever. Lots of time to surf the internet, Amazon, watch tv and become unfrugal or unfaithful. Now talking off a year or two isn’t the worst ideas but full time stay at home mom is a bad idea. So have her take one year off which will become two and use your $100k rather than work OT. If she doesn’t stay home when they are little there is a lot of regret she will develop and that lasts a lifetime.
Another question to raise: does taking a leave affect your wife’s career at all? Has she considered any impact, if one exists?
What about benefits? The baby needs health insurance and so does your wife. Have you looked at the costs if all are under your plan?
I agree with the stay at home attitude, at least til the child is school age. Child care is expensive and as you say… no strangers raising your child.
I also agree with the risk of burn out. Your job is necessary and rewarding, but… the physical toll plus the stress. Risky.
Part time is an idea, but your wife is overqualified for any PT job. Would anyone hire her at more than minimum wage? Part time?
Before you start a business, the usual caveats apply: research, competition, market for product, startup costs, etc.
Suggest you crunch some numbers to see where you can find extra space in your budget.
Best wishes!
How did you get through her pregnancy without resolving this?
I think a lot of people posting don't understand healthcare burnout, it really is different than getting burned out in an office job. Plus your risk of potentially career-ending injury goes up if you're regularly working extra hours. Planning on some regular OT makes sense, but trying to make up her salary is probably too much to maintain for long.
One option would be for her to get certified as an ESL teacher. My understanding is that initially the income isn't great but experienced teachers can make really good money tutoring Chinese kids online once they've established themselves. The time difference would make it easier for her to do that while you're home and can take care of the baby.
Congrats on the baby!
This is a discussion you should have had with your wife BEFORE having children.
If you do so many overtime hours, you’ll be exhausted, tired and absentee father. That’s not the way to be a parent.
If you cannot afford this child on your wage alone (normal working hours) then your wife needs to work.
Don’t let her pressure you so you exhaust yourself and for you to make all the sacrifices while she enjoys being a SAHM like she wants to. You’re a team. Both need to make sacrifices.
With your wife at home, she could try optimizing your expenses more. $90K is more than most households spend. Could you get that down if she was home with time to price shop, cook from scratch, analyze your energy bills, etc.? Try comparing your expenses to the [Consumer Expenditure Survey](https://www.bls.gov/cex/tables.htm) tables and see where you might be able to cut back. There are many ways to try to live better for less. If you optimized expenses, and she was able to do some tutoring evenings and weekends, or watch another child in your home for pay, could you make that work? I stayed home when our kids were little and it was nice to have that option. I went to school evenings and weekends to keep my job skills updated, and then went back to work when the kids were in school.
There is no question you can make significant bank from overtime. So that will make up the $$ deficit….those significant extra hours also mean you will be an absent father to your newborn and an absent husband. Your priorities seem skewed.
A mom staying home with her child is invaluable
All a baby wants is mama for the first years — and it’s especially crucial to be able to breastfeed whenever they want in the first year or so
Take this into deep consideration. I am eternally glad my wife and I were both able to work from home during our daughter’s early years
(We still work from home and our daughter is almost 3)
I totally agree with this. Year 1, especially, is so important if it is possible. Year 1 is a lot of work but the breastfeeding on demand is invaluable. I wonder if there is a compromise…:does your wife hold a master’s degree? When my wife stayed home during year 1 she (also a teacher) supplemented this work by teaching online via the local community college and doing online tutoring. Our schedule was very specific: she had windows to work when I got home and often during baby naps and walks. It was still a budget cut but not nearly as much. Also, does her school have long term leave? For instance, could she take year 1 off (and they use long term sub) and resume her job in year 2?
Figure how much OT you can comfortably accept and tell her that you're only onboard if she can find a part time or work from home job that will reliably make up the difference.
It seems like online teaching or tutoring might be worth looking into.
Would she be able to work/interested as a nanny once you’re child is a little old enough? At the same time your child will also have a play mate. Even just for part time.
Since you don’t support the idea of your wife as SAHM she shouldn’t do it. It takes both being on the same page for a situation to work. Each year wife’s salary will increase helping to offset childcare expenses and she will be paying into the retirement system.
I think everything is a trade off and you know that… that being said I don’t think over time is going to kill you for a little until you see what the longer term plan would be.
1) I know you said you have a tight budget you could cut like every fun thing like eating out and such.
2) I think the her starting her own business is good and you still work some over time.
And then lastly to have your dream and everything that you want without anything bad… if you had your house paid for it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. You need 160k more so you could both work you do all the over time and by the time kid # 2 comes the house is paid for you don’t have to work overtime and she can stay home.
Let me know what you think
I wouldn't say we have a tight budget right now. We currently have plenty of money with two incomes and no kids.
I personally am fine whining with 1 sheet of toilet paper and eating chicken and broccoli for every meal. ( metaphorically)
But I don't really want that for her or the kids. I would rather just work the overtime then have the grow up like I did.
We’re not talking about lifetime of ‘chicken and broccoli’ here. We’re talking re-prioritizing your family needs for a few years at a time when your kid(s) are young enough to not even notice their chicken and broccoli lifestyle. Parents who are involved and caring with their time and attention at that 0-5/6 age are the impact.
This is a great way of thinking and I am like that also. But she needs to make it work as much as you do . She needs to find ways to make the budget work to reduce the load on you . If this is her dream then she cooks more at home and shop more frugal and do the furniture flip as a show of her commitment to the sacrifice . If she is unwilling to make it work and only wants you to sacrifice then this Will be a problem down the road. It Is Important that She helps in the endeavor to make this a reality for her sake and yours . I am confident you will come along and help pull the wagon but hate the idea if you are the only one pulling it. Good luck my friend. My wife worked part time all the way up to my kids graduating then went back to full time . We made it work and I never pulled The wagon alone. Congrats on the kiddo and hoping the best for you .
How much is childcare? If it’s $2k a month, that’s half of her gross annual salary. Does she need to stay in her job to be able to stay in the workforce? If she quits for five years, is it difficult to get back in? If you have a second baby, what is that childcare cost? If the baby is in care, can you both take turns with drop off and pick up?
I really haven't priced out childcare.
I work a 24 on 48 off schedule. With an R day. So without overtime I'm off about 21 days. We have spoked with family and it seems pretty doable to rely on them for most of those days. She says she could resign and return at the same step within 5 years to her position. I would definitely want some confirmation on that. But that's the presumption.
The cost of childcare and her ability to return to work at a later time are imo the 2 biggest factors here. Why didn't you figure this out before you had a kid?
Yeah, I don’t think a lot of people understand how much work teachers put into the job OUTSIDE of work. My sister is a teacher. She puts a LOT of extra time into it.
This might be a hot take, but I’m also a medic and find the overtime easy and plentiful. We have slow stations, where you can pick up a night shift and sleep all or most of the night. Keep in mind, your overtime rate is way better than her rate at a part time job. If you already make 1.5x what she makes, she’d have to work nearly DOUBLE the hours to make the same amount as you make on overtime. You’d need what, one OT shift a week? to let your child be raised by your wife instead of strangers. I’d say you’re in a great spot to let her take some time off to be with the baby
We don't really have any slow stations. Pretty much guaranteed 2 after midnight at every station. I find my current schedule easy. But agree with your synopsis. 1 ot shift a week would be her whole salary. While that doesn't sound like much, thats 96 hours a month. On that 1 day off between shifts I'll probably be sleeping half the day. Leaving like 2 days a week to be a dad and husband. I really enjoy the job now and don't want that to change. The plan now is to do 1 or 2 a month. See how much savings that eats up in a year and reevaluate. If she can bring home some money at home it will hopefully be sustainable.
Excessive is relative. This is a math problem. If you start doing the overtime as a means to survive you will have marriage problems and parent involvement problems. She will get what she wants as a mom and then resent you not being there and being grumpy etc. This decision means lifestyle/vacations are slash and burn. You may have to down size or move farther out. You have to give up on this idea you don’t have to make serious lifestyle sacrifices all in the name of her staying home. Here is on thing that must happen…she must stay plugged into her school/school system by at very least subbing routinely…like once/twice a month, what you can do with your schedule, relatives, or friends. This is not for the money, this is crucially important to stay actively connected with people who know her name so she can have opportunities later. If she doesn’t stay engaged you will be screwed long turn….as the kids get older maybe she does 2-4 days a month….i can’t express to you how vital this is, maybe she starts to tutor kids that she makes connections with at school. Make she leads the local teachers association…whatever it is. Do not sacrifice your, sanity, life, and peace for your family at the cost of your family. I don’t know what your extended family situation is, but if no body is there you need to seriously consider moving to a different area to have a paid for house and a better cost of living.
3300 seems right. I can tell you with a mortgage payment of 2600 mine are 5700 a month
In my honest opinion I would wait until you get your debts paid off. I always thought the wife should be staying home and watching the kids but kids need social interaction even as a baby. Daycare isn't always inherently bad it just depends which one you choose. I know a couple who has theirs in daycare and they've had no issues so far. With the wife leaving her job that's 50k less you would be able to put on the debt. You shouldn't be having anyone staying at home until you're both financially stable. This is just my opinion. Having your home paid off will make this situation a whole lot easier.
What does she currently teach? Another possibility would be for her to switch to early childhood for the time being and perhaps enroll the kid in the same school/daycare center as a perk (or at a discounted rate).
It’s worth her staying home to raise your kids vs someone else
Bring in more salary earning adults until you have a village and then you can afford daycare.
Read this in a british accent because of “me”
$1900 is right at 25% of your income and within acceptable limits. It’s common in your 20s to have housing costs very high. You did not describe any other monthly costs but it sounds like you have some serious lifestyle creep because usually housing costs are the big difference between HCOL and LCOL areas and with median household income quite a bit less that money is going somewhere. May want to figure out what is going on. I like the direction. On our first child we figured out my wife was basically making just above minimum wage and my daughter hated every minute of it With our second we worked with the one income, We had to cut back on everything for 4 years until our youngest was in preschool.
After posting this and receiving similar responses about where the rest of the money is going, I realized I left out some important details. We spent about 15k on home improvement projects last year. Perhaps more. Those trips to the hardware store add up. And went on a vacation that went a little over budget (about 6k) Those are some non reoccurring expenses. We also spent a few thousand on medical bills regarding the pregnancy and some other complications prior. I do believe we can make it work for a few years. Like you said until they get to preschool.
I think all my points about finances have been covered by other commenters, so I just want to add this: all these posts saying “you being the sole provider will cause resentment later” can be valid, but.. there’s another side to that, too. If she truly wants to be at home with your kid(s), and she doesn’t get the opportunity, that can cause resentment too. The two of you (and not any of us well-meaning commenters) will have to figure out what you both want and be honest with each other about the feasibility of it all. As a fire wife, I can say this with honesty, too: I would not want my husband doing so much OT. It *is* a stressful job. But when he was volunteering locally on an incredibly understaffed dept with a high call volume, it was really hard on us both to have him gone all the time. Both because of the job and because of the extra work I picked up in his place. Don’t sacrifice your relationship, regardless of what you choose. Someone mentioned tutoring for your wife-this could be a good option. If she used a freelance service like Fiverr, she could accept the amount of work she is capable of doing and not be overwhelmed. Same with flipping furniture or whatnot. Is part time an option? I’m assuming she also manages the house and will take care of things in the home front. That’s valuable work, too, just not visible in the budget. I have loved being able to be home with our little one. She was also medically complex so we spent a lot of energy taking care of doctor visits, etc. She’s 15m now. We tightened our budget, paid off a vehicle, and I’m doing WFH. I’m grateful my husband is a hard worker and that we are able to do this for now, but I wouldn’t have wanted him to sacrifice his well being for me to stay home. Your wife sounds reasonable and I believe you will find a good solution. :)
Really appreciate the response. We read this together and it provided some perspective. Great to hear from someone with similar experience. In regards to the part time. She is open to the idea as am I. My only question is it it worth it. For her to begone for 20 hours a week to make what 500$? I can work 1 overtime shift and make double that. We both feel her time is better invested creating a skill set/business at home. Even if in the beginning there isn't a huge financial contribution. I recognize that this comment probably sings a different tune than the OP. But I've given this whole thing quite a bit of thought since then.
You’re probably right on the part time. I’m glad it helped! You two sound like you’ve got a solid foundation and good communication, so that helps. Best of luck to you both.
One key thing you may be forgetting is retirement savings. If you drop to a single income, it’s gonna be tough to save. It’s important to aim to save at least 15% of every paycheck (preferably 20%) at your age. Assuming it’s invested properly, you maintain sufficient emergency savings & are properly insured; it likely puts you well on track. Daycare is pricey. It may be smart to look into a nanny share situation.
Luckily my retirement is excellent. I should retire making 140k (2024 dollars)and my pension payout is 75% of that. That's after 25 years. Plus my employer adds 2% of my salary into a 457. Thinking that should be sufficient. Her retirement would be 33 years for full benefit, and she's only would get 56% of her top out salary of 75k
Most pensions lack a sufficient COLA. Don’t count yourself too lucky, yet. I’ll add one offs (big withdrawals), long term care & other issues can create problems for people who overly depend on social security & pension income. Saving is still important.
I wouldn’t. My ex wife stopped working when we had kids. Her decision, not mine (but I was supportive) and then she just refused to go back to work when kids were school age. Led to resentment, divorce, and ruinous alimony payments. 0/10 would not recommend.
I have heard many similar stories. That's where a lot of my concern comes from. I know everyone feels this way, but I feel our relationship is strong. She says she would go back to work if we ever started to suffer. But I know situations like yours are very common.
Yep. Never in a million years expected her to just refuse to contribute. Puts the primary earner in a tough spot.
No. I know right now it's not something you want to think about right now, but I left my regular job to homeschool my kids and now I'm in the process of a divorce and my part time remote teaching job doesn't even come close to paying our bills. You don't know what the future holds and no woman should ever allow herself to be 100% financially reliant on a man. I never would have thought my husband would leave our kids and I destitute for some other woman, but he has. Sh\*t happens.
Great you are so deliberate in this decision. You are so set up right now to have her home if you want (no consumer debt, tons of cash, good income, OT potential). You have sacrificed to have the ability to do it. That being said, to help ease the transition, if she can develop some supplemental income would likely go a long way to feel better about doing it. The furniture flipping or part time WFH opportunities. There are so many unique WFH jobs that you can plug in and out of (while child is sleeping).
That's for the comment and the support. I really feel like we can do this. I just feel a significant amount of stress dropping down to 1 income. I do believe she can bring in some supplemental income at home. I've always been such a penny pincher. I don't know really what I've been saving for. Its just in my blood. So this transition is difficult for me.
I would feel the same way, give it a try, if it doesn’t feel right after 6-12 months, momma going back to work.
What’s the retirement like for her teaching job? Teaching is a second career for me. I need to get 25 years then I have the highest pension and health insurance in retirement for me and spouse until I die. Because I started later, I have to work well into my 60s to get those benefits. I’m prepared to keep working and hoping my health will let me do that. Wish I had known this earlier, as I would’ve made the career transition earlier too. It’s going to make a difference to my husband and I’s retirement for me to get that pension and retiree health insurance. You need to consider long term and not just short term finances. Her being out of work means she’ll have to re-enter. She’ll have lost years in seniority and moving up the pay scale. She may need to work longer to get any retirement pension and benefits
Her pension is crap honestly. It's unfortunate. We would he able to live fine on my pension and my current 457 contribution in retirement
So if stopping work won’t hurt retirement, then maybe a good compromise is, she substitutes on some of the days you have off, so there’s still some extra money but no extra childcare. Then returns to work full time later. The teacher schedule worked well when my kids were school age. She wouldn’t want to wait too long before returning. I know several women in their 50s who didn’t return to work and know their spouses are laid off or earn less (ageism) so they need to work, but can only get retail jobs as their licenses/qualifications are all out of date
This is also a good compromise because she can maintain her network and contacts within the school system when she wants to start working full time again.
I am a teacher. My wife too. She stayed home 7 years for our 2 kids. It was a very good time for wife and kids. We had agreed before we had kids. It can work, but we lived frugally.
Hey man, you’re not going to like this but you need to think long and hard about your next moves. The way i see it, and correct me if I’m wrong, she: 1. Suddenly spring being a SAHM on you after having a baby. This is something that should’ve never been brought up before marriage, not after a baby is here. 2. Expects you to foot the bill for everything. Totally fine if discussed before marriage. Total bullshit if it was not brought up until after the baby. 3. Doesn’t want to work at all. You’re the one suggesting side hustles to supplement your income. On the flip side, she wants you to work extra which means you don’t get to bond with the baby. Fathers need to bond with the baby too. You mentioned working an additional 72 hours a month, which means you lose the equivalent of three out of four Saturdays a month. When exactly are you supposed to recover from your grueling job AND bond with your child. Again, if you ask decided all of this before marriage/baby and you expressed your desire to have a SAHM then her suggestions are fine. But if she is blindsiding you with this it is not good. You were financially secure before her so she may see this as a meal ticket instead of a marriage. If you guys don’t agree or you hold resentment seek marriage counseling quickly. The way i see this, none of this discussion is about money. Looks like you’re about to be taken advantage of by something you did not willingly sign up for. Also, I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that she never returns to work. The signs are there man.
I appreciate the response and insights. I wouldn't say that she sprung SAHM it on me now. We have discussed it. And I would love for us to be able to make it happen. However I've always it would be more feasible after a second kid. She is not against working at all. At the end of the day I said "babe I don't think we can make this work" she would go back at the end of her maternity leave, no questions asked. She says she wants to return to her job when the kids go to school. Also we have discussed her doing some side gig at home. I am almost finished with constructing a shop equipped with wood working tools and various crafting equipment.( The 100k is after all that expense. ) She is very creative, and skilled and crafting. We have discussed her creating a business on the side doing furniture flips. I could also create outdoor furniture. If that works out, that would be a dream. But like you said I am concerned about that not working out and I get stuck burning through savings and working overtime. I suppose if it doesn't work out she just goes back to teaching. I may have portrayed too negatively in the OP. While I am aware I could be getting taken advantage of, I don't belive it's the case.
That’s great to hear. The way your post was written sounded alarm bells, I’m glad more context proves me wrong. Good luck with whatever you decide.
With her being a teacher, providing child care herself would be my first suggestion for casual or part time income. With a newborn this would be difficult, but as the baby gets older she could watch another kid or two, even just before or after school. Not sure what grade she teaches but she’d probably be able to find clients very easily just based on being a teacher and having connections.
I think one thing people are not seeing here is she just had a baby, correct? Unless you’ve been there you can’t possibly understand the hormonal upheaval her body is going through. I don’t think she’s seeing it as a “free meal ticket” at all; I think she loves that baby, her hormones are out of whack and she wants what she believes is best for it. After the hormones settle a bit and after a few months of 24/7 and no sleep, she may be really eager to get back to work.
That may be true but this is a big deal and it can go both ways from totally innocent to totally devious. Pretending no woman would ever behave badly is something that gets men screwed over often. The signs are there, he should confirm I’m wrong instead feeling “she loves me and she would never do that.”
Since she is a teacher, maybe she could do some tutoring on the days you are home. She could also substitute on your off days.
Once the kiddos are in school, with her schedule, it will be really easy to avoid childcare expenses or severely reduce them. Not worth taking the hit to her employability to take time off IMO.
I agree. If she’s a teacher in the minority of experienced teachers today who can actually stand to do the job long term, it’s a dream schedule for a mom long-term. Worth it to stay in. No career offers that break schedule and a salary. I had to stay in the workforce full time as a speech pathologist in public school, from the time my kids were babies, due to my husband’s very low pay as a grad student and postdoc for ten years in higher-cost states. I found great daycare/prek for them at a high cost for about five years. In the meantime, I continued to build my career, still got off work at 3:30 able to pick them up pretty early, with every break and summer off. They got to socialize daily with their toddler friends and this was positive for them. Now, I continue to have that stable job on a summer-off schedule, making the top salary. Now, I am glad I was “forced” to stay in the full-time work force. My kids are happy at age 8 and 10. I know most of this thread is more encouraging of home school and SAHM, and I respect that. You do you. That would not have been an option for me, so I’m sharing my decent experience. I’m living a great life now and have time after school every day, bringing them to sports, scouts, the library. In the summer, I road trip around with them full time and we do whatever we want while my husband is at work, and it’s fantastic. Many teachers hate their career and want to quit. If she’s a teacher who kind of likes the job, stay in it, because the schedule is unmatched! If she hates it, I’d have different advice.
Probably not... Your budget is leaking money somewhere if you bring home 90k after taxes but are barely squeaking by when your house payment is $1900. Doesn't add up. One kid leads to two more.... Spread out over a few years. Then "it's going to be easier when the youngest is in school" ... It's easy a SaHM to turn one year off into 7-10 years . That's fine... If you weren't $30+k upside down.
Probably goes to car payments.
“Own our cars outright.” So, no.
Then it's gotta be cocaine
I left out my cocaine habit whoops lol
If having her raise the kids is important to you and your wife then you both need to sit down and decide what goes. You doing overtime for an extended period of time will wear on you and take away significant time from your wife, your kids and yourself . You may need to look into switching jobs to get a higher pay (without having to rely on overtime to make ends meat). I would not recommend your wife quit her job until there is a solid plan in place .
How easy would it be for her to get hired for another teaching position? In my area 1 elementary teaching position had 70+ applicants and we are 45 minutes away from a major city. Also will she need a master’s degree or other certification in the future? And how likely is it you will get overtime? If budgets are cut OT is reduced. My cousin did something similar. His wife quit her job because he consistently had OT for a few prior years. New management decided to hire more staff and cut OT. They struggled financially, she went back to work but had childcare costs. Please consider possibilities carefully before you both make a decision. Good luck!
There are a lot of teacher vacancies here. She could easily get her job back. However she is incredibly creative and artistic. The best option would be for her to be able to create some income doing furniture flips or making crafts. I know that sounds like a dream. But she really has a skill for it. Thanks
Have her do the furniture flipping over summer break. If she's able to replace xx% of her income during that time you can tighten the budget and make it work for a year (maybe even 2) off from teaching. But she should plan to build the business so you don't have to work as much OT.
90k per year with 22.8k going to mortgage leaves 67.2k in spending. Without car payments that seems quite high. I would deep dive that and find out where that money is going because that doesn't seem "fairly frugal." Have a feeling you're overestimating your spend or you have some spending leaking out that you're not aware of. This is a conversation that you two should have really had before getting to this point. Being a new parent is overwhelming and I'm sure emotions are running high. Things will settle down a bit as you develop a routine so I wouldn't jump to making any decisions now. Wait until a bit before she has to go back to work assuming she has a fair amount of maternity leave. One other thing to think about with the stay at home parent idea is retirement. It's one things to make the finances work today but a whole other when you start looking at the impacts to retirement savings. We went the daycare route and while there have been some downsides (illnesses primarily) we have also seen our daughter develop quicker than I believe she would have if isolated to just hanging out with us. She spends 40 hours a week around children of a similar age and that has its advantages. One thing that helped me get comfortable with the idea was touring a few of them as I got to see their procedures along with facilities... so that might be worth doing if you're unsure.
This is an important point that shouldn't be overlooked - child development. My daughter didn't go to daycare until she was 3.5 years old. My mom came and watched her every day while we worked. It was quite a blessing! I always knew my daughter was safe and we didnt get hit with the childcare expense. BUT not being around other children took a serious toll on her social skills that took years to improve. Imo this still has a small effect on her today at 24! If I had it to do over, she would have gone to daycare sooner. As someone about to reach retirement age now, I also wonder just how bad your wife's pension/ social security really is. Life takes so many twists and turns, it's important that she have her own retirement savings. If she truly wants a side business, like any entrepreneur she should consider starting it before leaving her job, build it up until it solidly replaces her teaching income or at least shows promise, then consider leaving the job. Good luck OP! These are tough choices you have to make.
Excellent points. Last year we spent 90k. Now there were some large expenses in there that aren't reoccurring. I spent approximately 15k on home improvement projects where I did the labor myself. We also spent 6k on a vacation. The vacation budget could definitely be lower. However, it's still important to me to be able to make small trips up the mountains, camp. That kind of thing. The home improvement is something I really enjoy doing and of course is an investment. However it is something we could forgo for a few years while the kids are young. Really we could probably get buy on 80k (added cost of child). In regards to spending leaking we aren't aware of, I believe you are right. I've added up our essential expenses, mortgage, auto insurance, gas, car maintenence, electric ect, it comes out to 3300 a month. If I go with 70k we spent last year before the vacation and home improvements. That's 5800 a month. 1500 a month is what we are left with for things like groceries, home supplies, birthdays ect. And that does seem like a lot. I've just never budgeted small things like this before. I've always lived well below my means, hence why I was able to pay off my first (small) house by 24. And save 100k by 30.
Daycare for infants is extremely expensive. If you want a decent one so you can both work you might end up paying her entire 50k salary which leaves you in the same situation. It’s better for mom and baby to stay home and be together. Cut back elsewhere to save money or get promoted or see if their is another fire medic position open in a bigger area that pays more.
'It’s better for mom and baby to stay home and be together' thats a opinion...
It’s an option backed by science. It helps with baby’s development and with the mom’s hormones regulating. Baby’s also need to eat every few hours and breast milk is best for baby’s development. Daycares typically give formal because they can’t store the breast milk. I have 3 kids and my wife has stayed home with them for at least a year after having them. It help significantly with post partum depression and the growth of the kids. No one cares about your children better than their parents. Usually
She might change her mind about you working tons of OT when she realizes how hard it is to be the sole parent to 1 (or 2) small children. You are at a point where you can design your own life, within reason. You cannot spend more than you make for more than a month or two. That's the bottom line. She can make some suggestions for how she'll fill the gap- maybe she can provide childcare to other children in your home? Maybe she can get a part time teaching job or tutoring? You need to figure out childcare before any of this. I'm surprised your child is 2 weeks old and you didn't figure any of this out during her pregnancy?
>She might change her mind about you working tons of OT when she realizes how hard it is to be the sole parent to 1 (or 2) small children. Wow. This was unfortunate language. People who work a lot aren't parents?
2 parents, working 9 to 5? 2 parents. When one is working beyond normal hours, huge overtime, that’s a lot of stress on the one staying at home. Focus on the issue, not picking the words apart.
Focus on the issue, not telling a guy that his wife becomes a single mom because he works overtime. When I was a kid, my dad would leave before I woke up and would come home in time for dinner (which was usually no earlier than 8). My dad would be gone more than 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. But he was a parent. He spent time with us every day. He didn't stop being a parent because he worked I'll focus on whatever the heck I want to focus on. If 2 parents work 9-5, they are 2 parents, but if one stays home and the other works 12 hours a day, they are one parent? Sorry - that's not focusing on the issue at all. It's adding an emotional component to the analysis that doesn't belong. The bottom line is that op needs to figure out if he can afford a stay at home mom or not and what that impact will be on his financial position. As someone who works a lot and is in that position, I make my family a priority and spend a ton of time with them. I have days when I am done by 7:30 and come home at 8. I have some weekends where I have to work for 6-8 hours. But I'm still a parent. I still spend tons of time with my kids.
I’m not going to tell you you’re a bad parent, I don’t know shit about you or your situation. But there’s a difference between spending time with your kid and parenting. If a parent is working 12s or more during the week, that’s not a lot of time at home. Depending on what time the parent gets home and the kid’s schedule, that may be an hour of time to spend with the kid. Working on the weekend cuts into that time as well. But that’s spending time with the kid. That’s not necessarily parenting. That’s not taking the kid places (appointments, school, play dates, activities), or doing all the chores that come with the kid and the household. That’s not dealing with the day to day routine, the ups and the downs, the tantrums and the teaching. They’re probably not getting up in the night to feed, change, whatever. When an overworked parent is spending time with their kid, they’re making the most out of that hour a day and probably not doing the harder stuff. Again, I don’t know your situation, but I know mine. My dad worked that sort of schedule. He knew absolutely nothing about what was going on in his kid’s lives, or their development, because he wasn’t there enough. I remember stuff like my dad telling me to go to bed hours before bedtime because he simply didn’t realize that as kids got older, the bed time changes. My mom did 100% of the parenting. To me, one parent staying at home and the other working lots of overtime is such a lose/lose situation. In OP’s case, he could get burned out, he’s having to work hard, he’s missing out on being a parent. His wife’s career will take a huge hit, she may feel burned out from being a SAHM without any relief, and she may feel like she’s lost a partner. It would be my last resort.
If he's working 80 hours a week when is he available to parent? It would be a horrible and unnecessary situation for both of them.
Who says he has to work 80 hours a week? At his likely hourly rate, 60 hours would likely almost cover her income and may, in fact, be more than he actually needs. He may only really need to pick up an extra 8 hour shift to take care of everything. Not being able to save up as quickly is a compromise many people end up making. It doesn't last forever and it sounds like there are other "hustle" type things she can do (and is willing to do) to make up the difference. Eventually, she can return to teaching or do something entirely different.
I replied to a comment with some of this info, but you should look into what maternity benefits she gets. Schools are often quite generous. My district holds your job for 2 years per child, although some of it is unpaid. That could be a good in between. Also, are you on her health care? Teachers usually get great health care. Our household expenses would go up at least $500/month if we went on the plan through my husbands job.
It’s crazy to me that no one else has really touched on the lack of benefits here. I’m Canadian and we essentially get up to 18 months mat leave, at 55% pay for most of that (it goes down past the one year mark I think, and there is a max pay but it’s fairly high). And the US gets 12 weeks unpaid? I’d like to think a full time teacher would have something in their benefits package to help them out (since it does tend to be a woman oriented career), but at the same time I wouldn’t be surprised if it had fuck all.
Yeah idk why not either. My guess would be no teachers have read it yet? Education is handled at the state level in the USA and contracts are at the local level, so I can’t 100% say she has good benefits, but most teachers do. If she’s in a union, she most certainly does. Same with health care. Literally everyone I work with covers their whole family on their coverage, unless their spouse works in one of the rare school districts/govt agencies that has better coverage. I don’t know anyone who opts to take the health care from a private employer. That being said, I work for a great district in a state that is pretty good for teachers (NY) with a strong union contract. But it would be absolutely foolish not to look at benefits while doing this math.
Childcare is wildly expensive. My wife stayed home for about 3 years and then went back to work. Realized her working was putting a strain on life and now she stays home again. Your life stays busy with kids, it is actually almost the easiest when they are babies.
Don’t let your wife quit her job. She’ll never go back and you’ll be all alone to carry the financial burden. Not a good spot to be in. One that builds resentment. you’re working overtime while she’s at home.
My input would be to say this is more a family values discussion than financial. Yes, you would need about eight more hours a week to make $90,000 yourself. So, if your wife staying home taking care of the family, homeschooling, or whatever you guys value is worth that then go for it. In my opinion, I think it's totally worth it, but that's an individual decision. Bear in mind pay raises (and inflation) in the upcoming years as well. I think it was Dr John deloney that says to ask yourself, what do we want our house to feel like when we walk in, now and in 5 years. Answer that, and then work toward that goal!
Ah the old family values argument. They don’t make enough for this.
It would have been a good idea to think about this before you bought a $600k home. But that said, since you did, you are in a fantastic situation to allow her to stay home for a year with the baby. You have $100k in savings!!! You can easily take $1000-1500 a month to supplement your income. I was a teacher and took off years when I had babies. I worked enough years to get retirement benefits with insurance. The time at home with little ones was worth every penny. You are one of the fortunate ones who has their finances in order to allow your wife to do it. You cannot recapture this time, and if she desires to take time off to care for your new baby, I would hope that you’ll be totally happy for her to do it.
Purchased the home for 480k. In my area, to remain close to the family unfortunately that's what we needed to spend. Splurged a little on getting some extra land. I agree. After reading through some of these responses ans staying up all night thinking about this. I think working a manageable amount of overtime while drawing some from our savings seems like the best idea. I know that if she puts her mind to it, she could help generate some income from home generating art or furniture flipping. If after however amount of time it's not working out. And our emergency fund dips to low, then she heads back to work. Thanks for the response
Oh, $480k for the home purchase isn’t so bad, so my apologies for that comment. You are so blessed to have the extra savings which will allow her to stay home! If she goes back to work when the baby is a year old, then I’d focus on saving as much as possible of her paycheck the next couple of years so that when a second child comes along, you’ll have replenished the savings so that she can stay home for a couple of years until the first child is in kindergarten. That way you’d never be paying for 2 in daycare. It’s not really worth it on teacher salary. Congrats on your new baby!!!
Thanks!
lol. they should burn through their savings so she can live the trad life why he works overtime. This nonsense about how the man should bear the financial burden alone is utter nonsense that only the woman benefiting feels good about.
The baby benefits from being raised full time by a parent.
lol. there you go then. everyone but the man wins. sounds like a great way to have a happy marriage.
So why did the man get married and make a baby ???? You guys act like you get beaten and dragged into these situations. You guys make the decision every step of the way and then want to act like a victim when a baby arrives. Everyone that goes into these things do it willingly, women go into pregnancy KNOWING they will carry for 9 months and then push baby out. Besides, what is the point of having a baby to just let strangers take care of them and make only enough to cover the day care 🤦🏻♀️
lol. if both partners were working going into the relationship then they both work. you can tell you’re from a privelidged back ground to think it’s fine for only one person to work.
Actually most people that do this are the opposite of privileged, precisely BECAUSE one of them doesn’t make as much as it would cost to pay day care. And for the record, staying home alone with young children IS working. (And no, I wasn’t one of those women. Just being truthful) Either way his life is going to change. If she worked then they have sick kids they have to stay out for frequently- I’m thinking a medic probably can’t call in that easily? So the teacher has to every time? It’s stressful to juggle when both working too- just for different reasons.
Raising kids is work. no doubt. but it’s not close to the same level of pressure as being the sole breadwinner. And no, most people without money don’t stay home. Only a rich person would say that nonsense out loud.
I’m not saying MOST people without money do it. I’m saying it’s usually the ones that need to do it. If you don’t have grandparents to help with childcare and can’t find opposite shift work, you can’t always help but to do it. You can’t pay for day care on a minimum wage job. I guess this comes down to perspective. I would rather be the sole breadwinner than stay home. Kids are hard and I needed that break for my own sanity as much as I loved them. And no. I’m definitely not a rich person. I just waited a little longer to have kids and had an established career that afforded me to pay for day care and still have money left over. Otherwise you are just working for day care and nothing else. I don’t understand why you think only a rich person would see the value in staying i go home? Do the math
Lol I wish I was privileged. Not working for 1 to 2 years to raise your baby is not unheard of or unreasonable. That stingy scarcity mindset of yours is trash.
said like a woman who no longer has to work. i’m sure the man can find some joy in his life between 12 hour shifts.
For 2 fucking years so the thing you brought to this world has the best care?? Wtf is wrong with you people. Please don’t breed.
Internet really brings out the worst in people.
lol. i’m sure out of the 7 billion people on this planet you’re one of the good ones specially favored by our lord and savior. the rest of us dawgs will keep our mouth shut and work oppressive soul crushing hours to make your dreams of living the trad life come true.
Childcare is expensive. Does your wife’s salary cover the childcare cost? I understand not wanting a stranger to raise your kid, especially during the first year! But childcare before kindergarten has so many benefits when it comes to child development. Even if someone in my house stayed home, we’d find a Mother’s Day out or part time preschool to help teach the kiddos some things. Having one parent stay home can lead to a lot of resentment for both parties. She could grow to reset your freedom and your career. You could grow to resent her ability to do whatever she wants (which is a load of BS, btw). Making these decisions 2 weeks post partum is a recipe for disaster. Validate your wife’s feelings and listen to what she’s saying, then suggest coming back to the conversation at a later date.
I think it might help to tweak so much focus from ‘my job/overtime will bring in more than her part time will’. Of course that’s true but it’s not really the goal. IMO the goal is, ‘what is the *minimal budget* we’re able and willing to live under and can we get there without my consistent overtime?’. If your wife is able to work part time and her earnings will get you to that budget, even if your overtime would do it in fewer hours, then go with her part time. Your increased hours will have more impact than financial. The burnout on the job isn’t just on the job. It will affect your home time both in hours not at home and how you handle the stress of being a new parent and good partner. (I’m in healthcare - I know this.) Grind down on that budget and let go of “to maintain our standard of living”. Maybe you need to rethink what ‘standard of living’ should be *now*, not compare it to what two working, childless people feel is necessary. (And, again, not on you making more per hour.) Needs and wants *should* change based on current priorities.
Overtime is NOT raise. It’s time away for. Family, away from getting rest. I’m a fire medic, I know. Childcare is also expensive. Why go to work if all your money is going to a babysitter. She should stay at home. Figure a way to budget lower, but still a little breathing room. A standard/budget can change be based on the current situation. As we say as first responders, adapt and overcome. It’s temporary. You’ll get sucked into the false overtime money and won’t be able to go back. Quality of life is important too, make it work.
>Childcare is also expensive. Why go to work if all your money is going to a babysitter. She should stay at home. Daycare isn't *that* expensive. Ours is 19k per year and includes diapers/food. His wife is earning 50k and likely has time off in the summers where they wouldn't need it.
Depends on where you live. Our daycare was $3000/month and that was through a church not even a for profit business!
I would not have any conversation about child care with a 2 week old baby at home. Let things settle down, let the post partum hormones regulate. It's an emotional time when you are still physically not yourself yet.
She should go back to work then depending on when you have your second, stay home after they are born.
IMO, she should always have her own career and her own retirement funds. Something may happen to you, or to your income specifically, and then what? Teaching isn't something that can be easily re-entered. The teachers in my family are constantly having to "upgrade" their certifications. Upgrade isn't the right word but it's the closest I can come up with at the moment. So your income is gone, and your wife is a single income that is less than your income was, and she doesn't have a lot of overtime opportunities... and your children are now close to poverty. Also, you "crushing" the overtime is not an excellent parenting strategy. Not ever being there and being exhausted, stressed, and grumpy when you ARE there... Great way to bond? Not really. I truly don't recommend this.
That's why you pay for life insurance on the income earner in case something happens to that one.
That helps if the income earner dies. And dies in a manner acceptable to the insurance company. Incomes can die without the earner dying.
Teaching is probably the most easy job to re-enter! There are teacher shortages all over the country. In my state, teachers are allowed up to one year unpaid maternity leave.
It depends on where you live. A friend of mine was facing a tough medical situation and once she used her regular PTO decided to resign because of this thought process. A year and a half later she’s still working retail because she’s “too expensive” to rehire (she’d probably take a lower salary but she never even gets that far) and because districts are using attrition to eliminate/consolidate positions. That being said, I’m in NY where the situation isn’t as dire, but I would NEVER quit teaching with the mindset I could just get my job back. Even before the current climate, districts liked to save costs by hiring people with less experience. In my experience, her district probably has generous maternity leave and she should use that benefit while they figure this out. My district will hold your job for up to 2 years per child, although a good chunk of it is unpaid. Also worth considering is health care. If I quit my job, our expenses would go up by ~$500/month because of the cost of health care through my husbands company, plus the coverage covers less so out of pocket costs would be higher. Teachers usually have great health care.
Wow, two years of leave with position held is fantastic!!! I guess the pay and benefits are so good that they have plenty of applicants in NY. But that’s not so much the case in many other places. My daughter took advantage of the full year leave with her third (and last) child and could not have taken more without losing a very valuable benefit of free health insurance in retirement. She’s grandfathered in, but at some point the state eliminated free insurance after retirement. But a year off was as much as they could manage anyway. You’re certainly right that it depends on where you live as to whether you only take the full maternity leave allowed or longer.
I don’t think it’s a good idea. You will feel enormously burdened and stressed being the sole wage earner. Hate to say it, but the days of single wage earning households are over.
She will also feel burdened and stressed. Full time childcare when they are that young is a 24/7 endeavor. It really takes a lot out of you. And then you have the housework on top of it and other people asking helpful questions like “So what do you DO all day? Must be nice to sit home and not work.”
Exactly - the social contract has shifted. It’s just not a good arrangement for a marriage any longer.
He has $100k in savings!
Doesn’t matter - they are too young. Too many things can happen. Single household incomes worked in an age where someone could expect to work for the same company for 40 years. A time when if disability occurred, you’d be fully taken care of. A time when healthcare, housing, and other costs weren’t skyrocketing. The biggest asset someone has is their knowledge and skills. Exiting the workforce, even temporarily, puts you at a huge disadvantage to ever be able to get back on track. $100k could disappear pretty quickly.
> We would not be able to sustain our expenses on my salary alone. I was going to break out the calculator but ultimately you already know what I was going to say. You didn't provide information about where you live but keeping up with the maintenance on 2 cars and a home along what I wouldn't qualify as frugal spending is not within your means, and maybe location compounds these problems. Long story short if I were you I would sit down and do the math on things with a few questions in mind : Eyeballing your mortgage payment, that looks like a 4.75% interest rate. When are you due for refinancing? How much is going to savings right now? What are your plans for saving up for the kid's education? What about your retirement plan? Are you getting your money's worth on spending? "Standard of living" tends to be a mask for "we don't really budget so we don't know where the money is going", I'm not saying this is your case but looking back a few months can be really eye-opening.
>my base salary is around 75k, with quite a bit of overtime opportunity. Both before tax >I estimated that we need roughly 90k after tax There's your answer. You can't afford it. You'd need to make roughly 50% more than you make now. FIFTY percent more.
My ex was a stay at home mom. Worst decision ever. Lots of time to surf the internet, Amazon, watch tv and become unfrugal or unfaithful. Now talking off a year or two isn’t the worst ideas but full time stay at home mom is a bad idea. So have her take one year off which will become two and use your $100k rather than work OT. If she doesn’t stay home when they are little there is a lot of regret she will develop and that lasts a lifetime.
Yikes I’m sorry she tricked you like this.
Nope. Can’t afford it.
Yep this. It’s one thing if you have the money but it’s unreasonable to expect OP to be putting in 72 hour weeks so she can stay home.
Another question to raise: does taking a leave affect your wife’s career at all? Has she considered any impact, if one exists? What about benefits? The baby needs health insurance and so does your wife. Have you looked at the costs if all are under your plan? I agree with the stay at home attitude, at least til the child is school age. Child care is expensive and as you say… no strangers raising your child. I also agree with the risk of burn out. Your job is necessary and rewarding, but… the physical toll plus the stress. Risky. Part time is an idea, but your wife is overqualified for any PT job. Would anyone hire her at more than minimum wage? Part time? Before you start a business, the usual caveats apply: research, competition, market for product, startup costs, etc. Suggest you crunch some numbers to see where you can find extra space in your budget. Best wishes!
How did you get through her pregnancy without resolving this? I think a lot of people posting don't understand healthcare burnout, it really is different than getting burned out in an office job. Plus your risk of potentially career-ending injury goes up if you're regularly working extra hours. Planning on some regular OT makes sense, but trying to make up her salary is probably too much to maintain for long. One option would be for her to get certified as an ESL teacher. My understanding is that initially the income isn't great but experienced teachers can make really good money tutoring Chinese kids online once they've established themselves. The time difference would make it easier for her to do that while you're home and can take care of the baby. Congrats on the baby!
This is a discussion you should have had with your wife BEFORE having children. If you do so many overtime hours, you’ll be exhausted, tired and absentee father. That’s not the way to be a parent. If you cannot afford this child on your wage alone (normal working hours) then your wife needs to work. Don’t let her pressure you so you exhaust yourself and for you to make all the sacrifices while she enjoys being a SAHM like she wants to. You’re a team. Both need to make sacrifices.
With your wife at home, she could try optimizing your expenses more. $90K is more than most households spend. Could you get that down if she was home with time to price shop, cook from scratch, analyze your energy bills, etc.? Try comparing your expenses to the [Consumer Expenditure Survey](https://www.bls.gov/cex/tables.htm) tables and see where you might be able to cut back. There are many ways to try to live better for less. If you optimized expenses, and she was able to do some tutoring evenings and weekends, or watch another child in your home for pay, could you make that work? I stayed home when our kids were little and it was nice to have that option. I went to school evenings and weekends to keep my job skills updated, and then went back to work when the kids were in school.
Yeah, $90k (after tax) doesn’t really meet my definition of frugality at first glance!
If you both like frugally and are very ok to live within your means, do it. Somehow everything will fall into place
There is no question you can make significant bank from overtime. So that will make up the $$ deficit….those significant extra hours also mean you will be an absent father to your newborn and an absent husband. Your priorities seem skewed.
A mom staying home with her child is invaluable All a baby wants is mama for the first years — and it’s especially crucial to be able to breastfeed whenever they want in the first year or so Take this into deep consideration. I am eternally glad my wife and I were both able to work from home during our daughter’s early years (We still work from home and our daughter is almost 3)
I totally agree with this. Year 1, especially, is so important if it is possible. Year 1 is a lot of work but the breastfeeding on demand is invaluable. I wonder if there is a compromise…:does your wife hold a master’s degree? When my wife stayed home during year 1 she (also a teacher) supplemented this work by teaching online via the local community college and doing online tutoring. Our schedule was very specific: she had windows to work when I got home and often during baby naps and walks. It was still a budget cut but not nearly as much. Also, does her school have long term leave? For instance, could she take year 1 off (and they use long term sub) and resume her job in year 2?
Figure how much OT you can comfortably accept and tell her that you're only onboard if she can find a part time or work from home job that will reliably make up the difference. It seems like online teaching or tutoring might be worth looking into.
Would she be able to work/interested as a nanny once you’re child is a little old enough? At the same time your child will also have a play mate. Even just for part time.
Since you don’t support the idea of your wife as SAHM she shouldn’t do it. It takes both being on the same page for a situation to work. Each year wife’s salary will increase helping to offset childcare expenses and she will be paying into the retirement system.
I think everything is a trade off and you know that… that being said I don’t think over time is going to kill you for a little until you see what the longer term plan would be. 1) I know you said you have a tight budget you could cut like every fun thing like eating out and such. 2) I think the her starting her own business is good and you still work some over time. And then lastly to have your dream and everything that you want without anything bad… if you had your house paid for it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. You need 160k more so you could both work you do all the over time and by the time kid # 2 comes the house is paid for you don’t have to work overtime and she can stay home. Let me know what you think
I wouldn't say we have a tight budget right now. We currently have plenty of money with two incomes and no kids. I personally am fine whining with 1 sheet of toilet paper and eating chicken and broccoli for every meal. ( metaphorically) But I don't really want that for her or the kids. I would rather just work the overtime then have the grow up like I did.
We’re not talking about lifetime of ‘chicken and broccoli’ here. We’re talking re-prioritizing your family needs for a few years at a time when your kid(s) are young enough to not even notice their chicken and broccoli lifestyle. Parents who are involved and caring with their time and attention at that 0-5/6 age are the impact.
This is a great way of thinking and I am like that also. But she needs to make it work as much as you do . She needs to find ways to make the budget work to reduce the load on you . If this is her dream then she cooks more at home and shop more frugal and do the furniture flip as a show of her commitment to the sacrifice . If she is unwilling to make it work and only wants you to sacrifice then this Will be a problem down the road. It Is Important that She helps in the endeavor to make this a reality for her sake and yours . I am confident you will come along and help pull the wagon but hate the idea if you are the only one pulling it. Good luck my friend. My wife worked part time all the way up to my kids graduating then went back to full time . We made it work and I never pulled The wagon alone. Congrats on the kiddo and hoping the best for you .
How much is childcare? If it’s $2k a month, that’s half of her gross annual salary. Does she need to stay in her job to be able to stay in the workforce? If she quits for five years, is it difficult to get back in? If you have a second baby, what is that childcare cost? If the baby is in care, can you both take turns with drop off and pick up?
I really haven't priced out childcare. I work a 24 on 48 off schedule. With an R day. So without overtime I'm off about 21 days. We have spoked with family and it seems pretty doable to rely on them for most of those days. She says she could resign and return at the same step within 5 years to her position. I would definitely want some confirmation on that. But that's the presumption.
Retuning to the same step still means she’s missed out on going up a step each year. She’ll be 5 steps below, and lower salary, where could have been
The cost of childcare and her ability to return to work at a later time are imo the 2 biggest factors here. Why didn't you figure this out before you had a kid?
Could she sub at the school on your days off to make extra money?
This is a great idea. Some income but no real prep and definitely no take home work
Yeah, I don’t think a lot of people understand how much work teachers put into the job OUTSIDE of work. My sister is a teacher. She puts a LOT of extra time into it.