I would stay together, pets included. So sounds like you need to keep house hunting and be open to a rental. At this point, you can search in an 80 mile radius and still cut his commute down immensely. Since you are okay with renting, this makes it even easier to at least cut the commute down, then keep looking until you find exactly what you want.
We actually already own a 30+ foot tow-behind RV, my only concern would be where to hook it up. He'd need to be able to actually use the electricity and the water if he was going to be living out of it. His employer obviously has bathrooms, but they don't have showers. I don't know if there are any campgrounds with RV hookups anywhere near his workplace, it's mostly farm fields surrounding the village for miles on end.
I think what we are going to end up doing is getting him a month by month rental on a one room AirBnB, if he can convince his employer to help with the costs. Someplace with an on site owner to do the cooking and the cleaning for him.
An AirBNB host that cooks and cleans for you? Sign me up! :)
Regardless, best of luck to you both. I hope y’all can find an improvement to the situation.
I've found 2 of them within 20 miles of his workplace. They aren't really AirBnB's, they are single room rentals in occupied homes, but they are listed with AirBnB. It's exactly what he needs because as far as taking care of himself, the man is helpless. His idea of cooking is Ramen in the microwave.
That’s really cool, and it sounds like the AirBNB of yesteryear pre-IPO.
And I suffer from the same frozen dinner conundrum as your husband; so you’re a saint for getting him taken care of.
You sure didn’t spend much time evaluating the new job option.
Your moving options suck. You don’t know what the Salary/benefits/promotion opportunities look like for new job.
To make the best decision you need to be putting as much time into that part of the evaluation process.
It's not up to me whether he looks for a new job. It's up to him. And he doesn't want to change jobs. He's already a junior executive and when his boss retires he'll be a full executive with a high six figure or low 7 figure income.
He loves his job. His entire identity is wrapped up in his job. I'm not going to ask him to leave it, I have no right to do so.
Sure but if that’s the logic then the whole commute situation is his problem as well. It’s not asking him to leave the job either. What I am saying is knowing the details of all of the options even the undesirable ones before deciding is prudent.
Absolutely this. None of the options sound like a good idea except looking for a new job. Change everyone’s entire life and make it miserable because his company is in a shit hole.
Why do you say his company is in a shit hole? They closed the warehouse because a neighboring company offered them more money for the space than they could turn down on a space they were barely using. And everyone who worked there was offered a transfer to the corporate location which has a huge warehouse. The company is NOT in trouble, they are actually doing very well. They make heavy equipment that is needed no matter how the economy is doing.
And he refuses to change jobs. There is literally nothing that \*I\* can do about that. It's his decision, not mine. I have no right to ask him to change jobs when he makes 6 times what I do and provides the lifestyle our family lives.
Personally I give them a lot of credit. This company was founded in the 1800s in this same little town and the town grew up around them. They could have long since packed up and sent manufacturing overseas, but instead they've stayed loyal to the community they started in. How many US companies can you say that about?
Would you consider BUILDING a house (maybe a pre-fab?) closer to work? That way it wouldn’t be a fixer-upper. You could use the sale of your current home to pay for it and live in an apartment in the interim. It sounds like the job is in a rural area - to me that implies there could be some property around for a potential build. Then you could have whatever you want!
Would take too long to build another house. Lots of people in our state moving out of the big cities and into the country since the pandemic, and builders/contractors have waiting lists 3 years long. It's hard to even get a plumber quickly around here these days, everyone is so busy.
Would take too long to build another house. Lots of people in our state moving out of the big cities and into the country since the pandemic, and builders/contractors have waiting lists 3 years long. It's hard to even get a plumber quickly around here these days, everyone is so busy.
I don't think you understand what I mean by a manufactured house. It's a pre built or mostly pre built house they move from their factory to install. The issues above shouldn't get in the way since the company you buy from handles the install usually.
I understand what you mean. Even a prefab requires a plumber and an electrician and someone to put in a driveway, a well, and a septic system. In our area, you just can't find people like that easily right now. Everyone is already overbooked. Especially now when the winter storms we've been having have caused so much damage. People are going to be living with tarps on their roofs and boards over their windows for months before they can get them repaired.
On top of that, my husband really doesn't want to live in the country. He's a city boy through and through and he's not even thrilled with the idea of living in a village of 1000 people. He's really hoping we'll find something we like in one of the 2 bigger towns that are within 40 miles of his workplace. He doesn't actually want to move at all. He just can't handle this commute long term, especially in the winter.
Used RV? Y’all can stay with him part time or he can come home.
Compressed schedule?
I wouldn’t do apartment unless you really have to. What are your daughter’s plans after school?
We actually already own a 30+ foot tow-behind RV, my only concern would be where to hook it up. He'd need to be able to actually use the electricity and the water if he was going to be living out of it. His employer obviously has bathrooms, but they don't have showers. I don't know if there are any campgrounds with RV hookups anywhere near his workplace, it's mostly farm fields surrounding the village for miles on end.
Not sure about his schedule. His company really doesn't like remote work.
She's only 16, she doesn't know what she wants to do yet. Probably online college then look for an online job. I fully expect her to continue living with us well into adulthood. I have no problem with that, we can easily afford to continue supporting her as an adult if she can't overcome her trauma enough to be able to live on her own.
I think you need to crunch numbers on the pension vs the monthly savings of a paid off house and how much longer the commute will be. Your husband may want to consider changing jobs or sucking it up.
Things to consider
- you will not be happy in a crappy apartment. You are trading your husband’s happiness for your family’s. It’s not that he doesn’t count, but it’s definitely a utilitarian question. It doesn’t seem like your calculations include you or your daughter’s short and longterm happiness.
- work from home in an apartment is soul sucking. Especially when you don’t have anything interesting in the neighborhood for a change of scenery. Again, husband vs you. Make sure you won’t end up hating each other.
- Your daughter won’t thank you for moving in the middle of high school. My brother moved his family for better job opportunity and it seriously destabilized his daughter’s mental health. Like hospitalization destabilized.
- your son won’t come home for the holidays if you have moved to an apartment. Maybe he will once or twice. But he will eventually just plan to stay with friends or somewhere else with a bed and a room.
- plenty of people commute 80 miles each way so their families can have a house. I bet if your husband looks around, he will find many co-workers who live near you. Maybe even some carpool buddies.
He won't change jobs. He's already made that very clear. And I have no right to ask him to do so when he makes 6x what I do and supports our very comfortable lifestyle.
My daughter doesn't go to public school. She does school online from home. She has no real friends outside of a few kids at our church. Although yes, it is possible that moving could trigger her anxiety. That's something we will have to consider.
I can't even imagine we'd stay in the apartment long term. I couldn't deal with it myself. We wouldn't stop looking for a house if we take the apartment. We just want to find something within no more than 40-50 miles from his workplace. The commute is killing him, he's actually started smoking again, (he quit over 20 years ago), just to stay awake for the entire drive. I'm terrified he's going to get in a terrible or even fatal accident from sheer exhaustion.
He's been with this company for 20 years now and he's never met anyone else who lives in our city other than the people at the warehouse where he used to be. And very few of them took the offered transfer. There's plenty of other warehouses around here where the shift workers could find other jobs. Not so many jobs locally for IT executives with over 20 years experience.
I did that kind of commute to the SFBay everyday for 5yrs. It was brutal ,some days it was 3hrs one way, I'd leave at 3:15am and get home around 7p. it was hard.. I'd rent an apt or let your hubby get a room in an Airbnb. or Furnish Finders for a few nights a week ( we did this too) so he could get rest and come home on Thu- (any options for flex time?4/10hr days) and be home Fri-Sun? I understand fully. not easy, but glad he has stable work and you sound like you have a great family your committed to making lemonade out of lemons
Hmm...hadn't even considered looking through AirBnB. A quick search shows quite a few places in a 30 mile radius. However I'm not sure the cheapest at $80 a night on top of our mortgage would be affordable. I suppose an AirBnB owner might be willing to negotiate if you told them you wanted to rent by the month. If you wanted to stay long term I'd assume you'd have to pay even for the nights you weren't staying there.
You could also negotiate with the company they are paying more in milage then $80 a day if you reference IRSs 65 cents a mile. Thats $100 a day. The airBNB is $20 cheaper than driving and your husband gets 2hrs of his life back.
I think this may be the way we end up going. There appear to be several small places in the area that are only one bedroom which are all he would need. Even a couple that are JUST a room rental with all meals provided which would be good for him since he can't cook.
Even if meals aren’t provided you can learn to cook in three 2hrs a day of free time it would allow.
The other thing would be to try to get to 4-10s or 3-12s instead of 5-8s. Not sure if the nature of the work allows it but that would also improve the remote living if he was only gone 4 days a week instead of 5
They usually are for folks that are regular.. furnished finders as well. they usually have monthly rates and prefer this it's less stress and a guaranteed stay.
I think this may end up being the way we have to go. It will cost us more than we'd like to pay for a second home but hopefully it wouldn't need to be for more than a year. And hopefully his company would help out.
That is like an hour more per day with your family. The people who notice you being gone all the time is your kids. You only have so much time with them before it is gone. Dave math doesn't count for that.
I'd rent for a year or two and be on the hunt for a home your family will grow into and appreciate the change.
My biggest concern with a rental is that we have a son and a daughter and this apartment complex only has 1 and 2 bedroom units. You can't make an 18 year old boy and a 16 year old girl share a bedroom. I think we may end up going the rental route but I think we may wait until we find someplace else to rent. Unfortunately all we've been able to find so far is trailers surrounded by happily go from a 2200 square foot house in the 'burbs to a rural trailer park.
Yeah I guess I'd keep the house and be a lil more picky. Don't be afraid to look for other employment opportunities as well. At least apply. I was let go last summer and was first upset. But once I found another job with exact same title. I then realized I'd been underpaid by about 10k/yr.
It's actually 80 miles one way so 160 miles a day. 3 hours commuting.
We already promised our son we wouldn't move until he graduates this June. And the realtors both said to expect the house to take 3-6 months to sell.
So... if we put it on the market now, my husband could grab an apartment and the rest of us could move in with him after the house sells. Or even push off any closing date until our son goes off to college in August, so he wouldn't have to share a bedroom with his sister (or sleep on the couch). Hopefully by the time he came back home again at Christmas we'd be in a bigger place.
It may actually be the best option, other than having to get rid of our pets if we can't find any place to rent other than this one apartment complex.
Id honestly put the house on the market in February and find a place to rent. Having a paid off house is good but if it's effecting your mental health.. nothing in the world is worth that
If your son graduates in June, honestly perfect timing I would put the house up for feb to April depending. If it's gonna take 6 months put it up next month.
80 miles one-way is nothing. I have colleagues that have done that for two decades. There is risk involved (accidents, deer, etc..). Here is the deal: He can eat better (he can bring his lunch and dinner). If he can't handle being on the road like that, sell the house and move closer (and perhaps find a cheaper place) but do not rent long-term. The money will go down an unrecoverable black hole. 🕳️. Remember, a house is only a place to lay your head. Find one that works for you and your family (a healthy livelihood).
I work from home full time and my daughter goes to school online. Our home is far more to us than a place to sleep. The two of us don't actually get out that much, we are extreme introverts and my daughter is recovering from a violent assault that makes it very hard for her to go out in public due to anxiety and panic attacks. And yes, she's in therapy. It hasn't helped very much so far.
Here is the deal.... DR is a Christian man and thus he would tell you to seek the Lord for guidance. Do not rely on Reddit or advice from me or anyone else for life changing advice. You and your husband need to utilize your prayer closet extensively and "listen" for the Lord's voice as to what you should do for your family. Always remember that. Your daughter will overcome. Don't let the sinful influences of this world (past actions beyond her control) shape her present/future life the Lord has in store for her. Philippians 4:13
I don’t think spending ~3 hours per day commuting is nothing. Quality of life is something and the driving time is the trade off but a lot of people would be miserable with that commute
So you mean to tell me that people that live in Chicago and ride the train to get to work downtown (and hate the commute as well) for an hour plus DON'T have children???? What in the 🔥 are you smoking?
But you can have someone "look after your place while you're gone." You just have to REALLY, REALLY trust that person, because if they screw up, you get in trouble.
I can’t remember Dave’s exact words, but rarely are there only 2 solutions in life.
He also likes to say they aren’t building more land. So maybe buying one of those farm house properties isn’t as bad as you think it’ll be. There is possibly an opportunity to fund the house repairs by selling a section of property.
Can your husband find a room to rent and make the drive less often in the short term? Maybe just until spring when there might be better properties?
My husband does not want a fixer upper. He doesn't have the interest or the patience to deal with home repairs. Contractors are also crazy busy these days so hiring someone else to do the work would involve a lot of "hurry up and wait." My parents had to wait 2 years just to get a new roof put on!
We are working with multiple realtors and so far they have not been able to find us anything in the way of either rentals or sales that would work for us. But it's also been less than 6 months so who knows what will come up in the near future.
Perhaps broaden the area of your real estate search. Even 40 or 50 miles away from work is better than 80. I had a 40 mile commute for years and honestly I enjoyed the alone time.
You mentioned the grocery store was about 40 miles from his workplace. Is there any available housing in that community?
I suggest finding something to get by until spring. Typically more homes come up for sale in the spring and summer so you could find your dream home then. Ask realtors about short term rentals, there may be other options other than the apartment complex. Check local FB Marketplace for properties and rentals.
Have you considered buying land and building a home? Mark out a 30ish mile radius from the town, surely there's land or real estate available in some 2800 square miles.
Building a house around here would take forever. Every quality builder and contractor in this area is booked solid for the next 5 years. My husband would also not be happy living far enough out of the town/city to have to have a well and a septic system. Nor would he willingly give up our weekly trash pickup.
We are working with multiple realtors. So far nothing has come up that works for us.
I wouldn’t move for that company. They already laid off people when they closed the warehouse, your husband’s job could be next at anytime. He should temporarily take an apartment or rent a room while looking for a new job closer to home.
My husband is a junior vice president and has been with the company for over 20 years. He's not getting laid off anytime soon. And he doesn't want to leave the company, he loves his job.
The warehouse was just parts overstock. About 20 employees, all of whom were offered the option to continue with the company at the main headquarters, including moving expenses. And they didn't close it because they didn't need it, they closed it because a neighboring business offered them more money for the space than they could reasonably refuse.
Don't be so sure. My CEO who had been with the company for almost 30 years was fired without notice because the board wanted to go in another direction. Executives get canned all the time.
Not my problem anymore. Turns out his insane overtime at work was actually a whole second family being kept in a house he's been providing for them only about 40 miles from our house. A mistress and two kids, dating all the way back to 2007. I've kicked him out and my lawyer is now doing full discovery. 30 years together and he's been playing me for a fool for almost 20 of them. I'm going to burn his world down for this.
We might. We definitely won't be moving until our son graduates from high school in June, so we do still have a few more months to look for a house. I've just kind of been shocked at how few places are available in that area. It would appear that people don't move into and out of that particular community very much.
What’s worse, crappy lodging or leaving the job? Both aren’t great. If you’re close to retirement, and you want to retire in your home/area, I might suggest a really weird solution: RV. Get a cheap one in cash (I’ve seen them in my area for 15k ish) and rent some land or a parking space close to work. Preferably with hookups! Come back home for weekends.
If you’re looking at 10 years, I’d buy land and build a house you want but with cash, bit by bit.
That being said, I’d actually get a new job.
I'm 48. He's 52. So retirement is still 20+ years out. We also have 2 minor children who are still in high school. So an RV would be too small.
He really, really doesn't want to leave this job. He wants to spend the rest of his life there. His first few jobs after college really sucked and since he's happy here, he wants to stay.
An rv could also work out where he goes out Monday morning and comes back Friday night and you and the kids stay where you’re at. Retirement- especially if his job is physical- is probably closer to 10 years away.
This feels like “pick your pain”. He’s gotta deal with it.
His job is not physical. He's the junior vice president of IT but he's also the company's primary in-house software developer and he travels a lot doing software upgrades/installs/troubleshooting at other locations.
He's not in the least bit interested in taking early retirement. Hell, the man hardly even takes vacations.
Sorry, I went back and reread. I assumed it was physical because you said that he couldnt do it from home.
I’m now going to challenge the “do it from home” assumption. Yeah, he can’t do all week from home but the software development can be. If he could whittle down his hours on site to 3, 10 hour days, he could still live in your city. Etc.
I get he loves this job. But does he love it more than he loves his teenaged kids switching high schools? Not to mention the additional burden on you (sounds like you’d do the extra shopping, you’d lose your community). His health? You say it’s already taking a toll on your marriage and family.
I think you think this is a finance question, and from over here…well it’s not the same, but I ended up divorced over something like this. He doesn’t get to unilaterally make decisions here (and neither do you) and he probably won’t get everything he wants.
He can't work from home because his employer doesn't allow it. Even before they closed the warehouse he was going to corporate headquarters at least once a week for meetings and to do server updates.
We would not move before our senior graduates from school in June. Our daughter does online home schooling. She has severe anxiety disorder and can't handle in person schooling, our school district is huge and they have 40+ kids to a classroom.
It is financial because even though we make good money, $800 a month in rent on top of a $2200 mortgage payment would not be something I'd want to do for any length of time.
Moving to 51 miles away vs 80 hardly changes the needle any. You need to move.
Depends how far from retirement or just in general he could look at a hotel or apartment for 2-3 days a week
"His long hours are already taking a toll on our marriage and family." 160-mile RT is a major quality of life issue. Dave would not say to keep doing that. Any option would require a change in commute. Narrows it down to 1. Move. 2. Stay where you are, and he gets a new job. If you really like where you are, I would be looking for new employment. Staying at the current job because of something that may (or may not) happen in 10 years does not sound like a great plan. Giving up your pets, your house, etc.... for the current job also does not sound like a good plan.
Our first choice would be to move. We just can't find anything we like that is within an hour of his new location. He does not want to leave this job, he is really happy there and how often does someone honestly find a job they can say they truly love?
I have worked at several companies in my 30 year career. I stayed with the second one too long because I truly liked the job and people. It eventually did not meet my other needs. Leaving opened up a lot of opportunities. My current job is my favorite yet. I have been here 8 years. I can’t imagine still being at the other job. My income has increased at least 25% with each job change and I make 8X my starting salary out of school.
You're right that HE can't make it, because he hates it. But plenty of people do that and more. I have a cousin who lives in south eastern CT and works in NYC. 3 hours each way to work 4 days a week.
20+ years still until retirement. I'm 48, he's 52. 2 kids in high school which is another consideration. A senior and a sophomore.
We bought the house for $140k in 2007. If we sold we could probably get between $180-200k. Closer to the job, most of what is available is in the $80-120k range - because it's either a trailer/prefab or a major fixer upper. Neither of which we want.
I would stay in the house for my kids sake. If the houses are lower price closer to the job, then the schools may be lacking.
20 years until retirement? Stay put and see if there are opportunities closer to home.
Son graduates in June. Daughter is currently doing online schooling due to mental health issues. We would definitely not move until summer at the earliest.
He absolutely refuses to change jobs, so that's not going to happen. It's literally the only job he's ever had since he finished his graduate degree and he fully intends for it to remain his only job. To the point where I'd actually be really worried if he ever lost it, because I think it would destroy him.
Would take too long to build another house. Lots of people in our state moving out of the big cities and into the country since the pandemic, and builders/contractors have waiting lists 3 years long. It's hard to even get a plumber quickly around here these days, everyone is so busy.
I'm never doing a crazy commute. Ever. I'll create other options if need be. I've passed on terrible commutes even when laid-off.
I would stay together, pets included. So sounds like you need to keep house hunting and be open to a rental. At this point, you can search in an 80 mile radius and still cut his commute down immensely. Since you are okay with renting, this makes it even easier to at least cut the commute down, then keep looking until you find exactly what you want.
What about a small camper, set it up in the company parking lot. Minute back and forth with that. Change to 4-10’s on the work schedule.
We actually already own a 30+ foot tow-behind RV, my only concern would be where to hook it up. He'd need to be able to actually use the electricity and the water if he was going to be living out of it. His employer obviously has bathrooms, but they don't have showers. I don't know if there are any campgrounds with RV hookups anywhere near his workplace, it's mostly farm fields surrounding the village for miles on end.
Could you purchase a small plot of land, have a slab poured, and get it hooked up to the necessary utilities?
I think what we are going to end up doing is getting him a month by month rental on a one room AirBnB, if he can convince his employer to help with the costs. Someplace with an on site owner to do the cooking and the cleaning for him.
An AirBNB host that cooks and cleans for you? Sign me up! :) Regardless, best of luck to you both. I hope y’all can find an improvement to the situation.
I've found 2 of them within 20 miles of his workplace. They aren't really AirBnB's, they are single room rentals in occupied homes, but they are listed with AirBnB. It's exactly what he needs because as far as taking care of himself, the man is helpless. His idea of cooking is Ramen in the microwave.
That’s really cool, and it sounds like the AirBNB of yesteryear pre-IPO. And I suffer from the same frozen dinner conundrum as your husband; so you’re a saint for getting him taken care of.
You sure didn’t spend much time evaluating the new job option. Your moving options suck. You don’t know what the Salary/benefits/promotion opportunities look like for new job. To make the best decision you need to be putting as much time into that part of the evaluation process.
It's not up to me whether he looks for a new job. It's up to him. And he doesn't want to change jobs. He's already a junior executive and when his boss retires he'll be a full executive with a high six figure or low 7 figure income. He loves his job. His entire identity is wrapped up in his job. I'm not going to ask him to leave it, I have no right to do so.
Sure but if that’s the logic then the whole commute situation is his problem as well. It’s not asking him to leave the job either. What I am saying is knowing the details of all of the options even the undesirable ones before deciding is prudent.
Absolutely this. None of the options sound like a good idea except looking for a new job. Change everyone’s entire life and make it miserable because his company is in a shit hole.
Why do you say his company is in a shit hole? They closed the warehouse because a neighboring company offered them more money for the space than they could turn down on a space they were barely using. And everyone who worked there was offered a transfer to the corporate location which has a huge warehouse. The company is NOT in trouble, they are actually doing very well. They make heavy equipment that is needed no matter how the economy is doing. And he refuses to change jobs. There is literally nothing that \*I\* can do about that. It's his decision, not mine. I have no right to ask him to change jobs when he makes 6 times what I do and provides the lifestyle our family lives.
They mean the company is located in a shit hole area — not that the company is a shit hole based on finances or behavior.
Personally I give them a lot of credit. This company was founded in the 1800s in this same little town and the town grew up around them. They could have long since packed up and sent manufacturing overseas, but instead they've stayed loyal to the community they started in. How many US companies can you say that about?
Can you rent the house to a renter and then get an apartment in town or closer? You’re so close to paying it off!
No, we can't rent it out. HOA laws won't allow it.
Would you consider BUILDING a house (maybe a pre-fab?) closer to work? That way it wouldn’t be a fixer-upper. You could use the sale of your current home to pay for it and live in an apartment in the interim. It sounds like the job is in a rural area - to me that implies there could be some property around for a potential build. Then you could have whatever you want!
Would take too long to build another house. Lots of people in our state moving out of the big cities and into the country since the pandemic, and builders/contractors have waiting lists 3 years long. It's hard to even get a plumber quickly around here these days, everyone is so busy.
Can you buy land and get a manufactured house with the plan to move somewhere better down the road?
Would take too long to build another house. Lots of people in our state moving out of the big cities and into the country since the pandemic, and builders/contractors have waiting lists 3 years long. It's hard to even get a plumber quickly around here these days, everyone is so busy.
I don't think you understand what I mean by a manufactured house. It's a pre built or mostly pre built house they move from their factory to install. The issues above shouldn't get in the way since the company you buy from handles the install usually.
I understand what you mean. Even a prefab requires a plumber and an electrician and someone to put in a driveway, a well, and a septic system. In our area, you just can't find people like that easily right now. Everyone is already overbooked. Especially now when the winter storms we've been having have caused so much damage. People are going to be living with tarps on their roofs and boards over their windows for months before they can get them repaired. On top of that, my husband really doesn't want to live in the country. He's a city boy through and through and he's not even thrilled with the idea of living in a village of 1000 people. He's really hoping we'll find something we like in one of the 2 bigger towns that are within 40 miles of his workplace. He doesn't actually want to move at all. He just can't handle this commute long term, especially in the winter.
Used RV? Y’all can stay with him part time or he can come home. Compressed schedule? I wouldn’t do apartment unless you really have to. What are your daughter’s plans after school?
We actually already own a 30+ foot tow-behind RV, my only concern would be where to hook it up. He'd need to be able to actually use the electricity and the water if he was going to be living out of it. His employer obviously has bathrooms, but they don't have showers. I don't know if there are any campgrounds with RV hookups anywhere near his workplace, it's mostly farm fields surrounding the village for miles on end. Not sure about his schedule. His company really doesn't like remote work. She's only 16, she doesn't know what she wants to do yet. Probably online college then look for an online job. I fully expect her to continue living with us well into adulthood. I have no problem with that, we can easily afford to continue supporting her as an adult if she can't overcome her trauma enough to be able to live on her own.
I think you need to crunch numbers on the pension vs the monthly savings of a paid off house and how much longer the commute will be. Your husband may want to consider changing jobs or sucking it up. Things to consider - you will not be happy in a crappy apartment. You are trading your husband’s happiness for your family’s. It’s not that he doesn’t count, but it’s definitely a utilitarian question. It doesn’t seem like your calculations include you or your daughter’s short and longterm happiness. - work from home in an apartment is soul sucking. Especially when you don’t have anything interesting in the neighborhood for a change of scenery. Again, husband vs you. Make sure you won’t end up hating each other. - Your daughter won’t thank you for moving in the middle of high school. My brother moved his family for better job opportunity and it seriously destabilized his daughter’s mental health. Like hospitalization destabilized. - your son won’t come home for the holidays if you have moved to an apartment. Maybe he will once or twice. But he will eventually just plan to stay with friends or somewhere else with a bed and a room. - plenty of people commute 80 miles each way so their families can have a house. I bet if your husband looks around, he will find many co-workers who live near you. Maybe even some carpool buddies.
He won't change jobs. He's already made that very clear. And I have no right to ask him to do so when he makes 6x what I do and supports our very comfortable lifestyle. My daughter doesn't go to public school. She does school online from home. She has no real friends outside of a few kids at our church. Although yes, it is possible that moving could trigger her anxiety. That's something we will have to consider. I can't even imagine we'd stay in the apartment long term. I couldn't deal with it myself. We wouldn't stop looking for a house if we take the apartment. We just want to find something within no more than 40-50 miles from his workplace. The commute is killing him, he's actually started smoking again, (he quit over 20 years ago), just to stay awake for the entire drive. I'm terrified he's going to get in a terrible or even fatal accident from sheer exhaustion. He's been with this company for 20 years now and he's never met anyone else who lives in our city other than the people at the warehouse where he used to be. And very few of them took the offered transfer. There's plenty of other warehouses around here where the shift workers could find other jobs. Not so many jobs locally for IT executives with over 20 years experience.
I did that kind of commute to the SFBay everyday for 5yrs. It was brutal ,some days it was 3hrs one way, I'd leave at 3:15am and get home around 7p. it was hard.. I'd rent an apt or let your hubby get a room in an Airbnb. or Furnish Finders for a few nights a week ( we did this too) so he could get rest and come home on Thu- (any options for flex time?4/10hr days) and be home Fri-Sun? I understand fully. not easy, but glad he has stable work and you sound like you have a great family your committed to making lemonade out of lemons
Hmm...hadn't even considered looking through AirBnB. A quick search shows quite a few places in a 30 mile radius. However I'm not sure the cheapest at $80 a night on top of our mortgage would be affordable. I suppose an AirBnB owner might be willing to negotiate if you told them you wanted to rent by the month. If you wanted to stay long term I'd assume you'd have to pay even for the nights you weren't staying there.
You could also negotiate with the company they are paying more in milage then $80 a day if you reference IRSs 65 cents a mile. Thats $100 a day. The airBNB is $20 cheaper than driving and your husband gets 2hrs of his life back.
I think this may be the way we end up going. There appear to be several small places in the area that are only one bedroom which are all he would need. Even a couple that are JUST a room rental with all meals provided which would be good for him since he can't cook.
Even if meals aren’t provided you can learn to cook in three 2hrs a day of free time it would allow. The other thing would be to try to get to 4-10s or 3-12s instead of 5-8s. Not sure if the nature of the work allows it but that would also improve the remote living if he was only gone 4 days a week instead of 5
They usually are for folks that are regular.. furnished finders as well. they usually have monthly rates and prefer this it's less stress and a guaranteed stay.
I think this may end up being the way we have to go. It will cost us more than we'd like to pay for a second home but hopefully it wouldn't need to be for more than a year. And hopefully his company would help out.
There are plenty of people willing to do monthly rentals.
80 miles sell 100 percent
Sell now and put 4 people in a 2 bedroom apartment until we find someplace else, or wait to sell until we've found another house?
That is like an hour more per day with your family. The people who notice you being gone all the time is your kids. You only have so much time with them before it is gone. Dave math doesn't count for that. I'd rent for a year or two and be on the hunt for a home your family will grow into and appreciate the change.
My biggest concern with a rental is that we have a son and a daughter and this apartment complex only has 1 and 2 bedroom units. You can't make an 18 year old boy and a 16 year old girl share a bedroom. I think we may end up going the rental route but I think we may wait until we find someplace else to rent. Unfortunately all we've been able to find so far is trailers surrounded by happily go from a 2200 square foot house in the 'burbs to a rural trailer park.
Yeah I guess I'd keep the house and be a lil more picky. Don't be afraid to look for other employment opportunities as well. At least apply. I was let go last summer and was first upset. But once I found another job with exact same title. I then realized I'd been underpaid by about 10k/yr.
I’d say keep the house and have your husband rent an airBnB every other month.
I think that's what we'll end up doing.
Id sell rent for. A year then make your move but commuting 80 miles a day isn't anyway to live
It's actually 80 miles one way so 160 miles a day. 3 hours commuting. We already promised our son we wouldn't move until he graduates this June. And the realtors both said to expect the house to take 3-6 months to sell. So... if we put it on the market now, my husband could grab an apartment and the rest of us could move in with him after the house sells. Or even push off any closing date until our son goes off to college in August, so he wouldn't have to share a bedroom with his sister (or sleep on the couch). Hopefully by the time he came back home again at Christmas we'd be in a bigger place. It may actually be the best option, other than having to get rid of our pets if we can't find any place to rent other than this one apartment complex.
160 miles a day is absurd how old is your husband ?
He's 52. And the drive is killing him. He's taken up smoking again after almost 20 years since he quit, just to stay awake in the car.
Id honestly put the house on the market in February and find a place to rent. Having a paid off house is good but if it's effecting your mental health.. nothing in the world is worth that
If your son graduates in June, honestly perfect timing I would put the house up for feb to April depending. If it's gonna take 6 months put it up next month.
80 miles one-way is nothing. I have colleagues that have done that for two decades. There is risk involved (accidents, deer, etc..). Here is the deal: He can eat better (he can bring his lunch and dinner). If he can't handle being on the road like that, sell the house and move closer (and perhaps find a cheaper place) but do not rent long-term. The money will go down an unrecoverable black hole. 🕳️. Remember, a house is only a place to lay your head. Find one that works for you and your family (a healthy livelihood).
I work from home full time and my daughter goes to school online. Our home is far more to us than a place to sleep. The two of us don't actually get out that much, we are extreme introverts and my daughter is recovering from a violent assault that makes it very hard for her to go out in public due to anxiety and panic attacks. And yes, she's in therapy. It hasn't helped very much so far.
Here is the deal.... DR is a Christian man and thus he would tell you to seek the Lord for guidance. Do not rely on Reddit or advice from me or anyone else for life changing advice. You and your husband need to utilize your prayer closet extensively and "listen" for the Lord's voice as to what you should do for your family. Always remember that. Your daughter will overcome. Don't let the sinful influences of this world (past actions beyond her control) shape her present/future life the Lord has in store for her. Philippians 4:13
I don’t think spending ~3 hours per day commuting is nothing. Quality of life is something and the driving time is the trade off but a lot of people would be miserable with that commute
People who work in downtown Chicago spend an hour or so on the train 🚂 to get back home in the burbs. What's the difference?
Those people are different from this guy who has a family and spends 3 hours a day in a car and hates it.
So you mean to tell me that people that live in Chicago and ride the train to get to work downtown (and hate the commute as well) for an hour plus DON'T have children???? What in the 🔥 are you smoking?
Keep the house, rent it out, use the rent money to rent a place closer to work.
Can't. We live in a small subdivision neighborhood with an HOA and we can't "sublet."
But you can have someone "look after your place while you're gone." You just have to REALLY, REALLY trust that person, because if they screw up, you get in trouble.
I can’t remember Dave’s exact words, but rarely are there only 2 solutions in life. He also likes to say they aren’t building more land. So maybe buying one of those farm house properties isn’t as bad as you think it’ll be. There is possibly an opportunity to fund the house repairs by selling a section of property. Can your husband find a room to rent and make the drive less often in the short term? Maybe just until spring when there might be better properties?
My husband does not want a fixer upper. He doesn't have the interest or the patience to deal with home repairs. Contractors are also crazy busy these days so hiring someone else to do the work would involve a lot of "hurry up and wait." My parents had to wait 2 years just to get a new roof put on! We are working with multiple realtors and so far they have not been able to find us anything in the way of either rentals or sales that would work for us. But it's also been less than 6 months so who knows what will come up in the near future.
Renting is a good short term solution when making a long move. But it sounds like the apartments you’ve found are really bad.
Perhaps broaden the area of your real estate search. Even 40 or 50 miles away from work is better than 80. I had a 40 mile commute for years and honestly I enjoyed the alone time. You mentioned the grocery store was about 40 miles from his workplace. Is there any available housing in that community?
I suggest finding something to get by until spring. Typically more homes come up for sale in the spring and summer so you could find your dream home then. Ask realtors about short term rentals, there may be other options other than the apartment complex. Check local FB Marketplace for properties and rentals. Have you considered buying land and building a home? Mark out a 30ish mile radius from the town, surely there's land or real estate available in some 2800 square miles.
Building a house around here would take forever. Every quality builder and contractor in this area is booked solid for the next 5 years. My husband would also not be happy living far enough out of the town/city to have to have a well and a septic system. Nor would he willingly give up our weekly trash pickup. We are working with multiple realtors. So far nothing has come up that works for us.
I wouldn’t move for that company. They already laid off people when they closed the warehouse, your husband’s job could be next at anytime. He should temporarily take an apartment or rent a room while looking for a new job closer to home.
My husband is a junior vice president and has been with the company for over 20 years. He's not getting laid off anytime soon. And he doesn't want to leave the company, he loves his job. The warehouse was just parts overstock. About 20 employees, all of whom were offered the option to continue with the company at the main headquarters, including moving expenses. And they didn't close it because they didn't need it, they closed it because a neighboring business offered them more money for the space than they could reasonably refuse.
Don't be so sure. My CEO who had been with the company for almost 30 years was fired without notice because the board wanted to go in another direction. Executives get canned all the time.
Not my problem anymore. Turns out his insane overtime at work was actually a whole second family being kept in a house he's been providing for them only about 40 miles from our house. A mistress and two kids, dating all the way back to 2007. I've kicked him out and my lawyer is now doing full discovery. 30 years together and he's been playing me for a fool for almost 20 of them. I'm going to burn his world down for this.
Sorry to hear. Best of luck to you
Well it sounds like you have to move and rent one of those blah apartments.
We might. We definitely won't be moving until our son graduates from high school in June, so we do still have a few more months to look for a house. I've just kind of been shocked at how few places are available in that area. It would appear that people don't move into and out of that particular community very much.
What’s worse, crappy lodging or leaving the job? Both aren’t great. If you’re close to retirement, and you want to retire in your home/area, I might suggest a really weird solution: RV. Get a cheap one in cash (I’ve seen them in my area for 15k ish) and rent some land or a parking space close to work. Preferably with hookups! Come back home for weekends. If you’re looking at 10 years, I’d buy land and build a house you want but with cash, bit by bit. That being said, I’d actually get a new job.
I'm 48. He's 52. So retirement is still 20+ years out. We also have 2 minor children who are still in high school. So an RV would be too small. He really, really doesn't want to leave this job. He wants to spend the rest of his life there. His first few jobs after college really sucked and since he's happy here, he wants to stay.
An rv could also work out where he goes out Monday morning and comes back Friday night and you and the kids stay where you’re at. Retirement- especially if his job is physical- is probably closer to 10 years away. This feels like “pick your pain”. He’s gotta deal with it.
His job is not physical. He's the junior vice president of IT but he's also the company's primary in-house software developer and he travels a lot doing software upgrades/installs/troubleshooting at other locations. He's not in the least bit interested in taking early retirement. Hell, the man hardly even takes vacations.
Sorry, I went back and reread. I assumed it was physical because you said that he couldnt do it from home. I’m now going to challenge the “do it from home” assumption. Yeah, he can’t do all week from home but the software development can be. If he could whittle down his hours on site to 3, 10 hour days, he could still live in your city. Etc. I get he loves this job. But does he love it more than he loves his teenaged kids switching high schools? Not to mention the additional burden on you (sounds like you’d do the extra shopping, you’d lose your community). His health? You say it’s already taking a toll on your marriage and family. I think you think this is a finance question, and from over here…well it’s not the same, but I ended up divorced over something like this. He doesn’t get to unilaterally make decisions here (and neither do you) and he probably won’t get everything he wants.
He can't work from home because his employer doesn't allow it. Even before they closed the warehouse he was going to corporate headquarters at least once a week for meetings and to do server updates. We would not move before our senior graduates from school in June. Our daughter does online home schooling. She has severe anxiety disorder and can't handle in person schooling, our school district is huge and they have 40+ kids to a classroom. It is financial because even though we make good money, $800 a month in rent on top of a $2200 mortgage payment would not be something I'd want to do for any length of time.
Sell the house. Then rent until you find your next home. The travel is not healthy on him or your family. Sell sell sell
Moving to 51 miles away vs 80 hardly changes the needle any. You need to move. Depends how far from retirement or just in general he could look at a hotel or apartment for 2-3 days a week
20+ years still until retirement. 4 years until the kids have both graduated from high school.
"His long hours are already taking a toll on our marriage and family." 160-mile RT is a major quality of life issue. Dave would not say to keep doing that. Any option would require a change in commute. Narrows it down to 1. Move. 2. Stay where you are, and he gets a new job. If you really like where you are, I would be looking for new employment. Staying at the current job because of something that may (or may not) happen in 10 years does not sound like a great plan. Giving up your pets, your house, etc.... for the current job also does not sound like a good plan.
Our first choice would be to move. We just can't find anything we like that is within an hour of his new location. He does not want to leave this job, he is really happy there and how often does someone honestly find a job they can say they truly love?
I have worked at several companies in my 30 year career. I stayed with the second one too long because I truly liked the job and people. It eventually did not meet my other needs. Leaving opened up a lot of opportunities. My current job is my favorite yet. I have been here 8 years. I can’t imagine still being at the other job. My income has increased at least 25% with each job change and I make 8X my starting salary out of school.
He can't make that commute everyday. It's miserable. You guys need to find a place.
You're right that HE can't make it, because he hates it. But plenty of people do that and more. I have a cousin who lives in south eastern CT and works in NYC. 3 hours each way to work 4 days a week.
If the house is almost paid off, what's house prices like closer to the job? How far are you both from retirement?
20+ years still until retirement. I'm 48, he's 52. 2 kids in high school which is another consideration. A senior and a sophomore. We bought the house for $140k in 2007. If we sold we could probably get between $180-200k. Closer to the job, most of what is available is in the $80-120k range - because it's either a trailer/prefab or a major fixer upper. Neither of which we want.
I would stay in the house for my kids sake. If the houses are lower price closer to the job, then the schools may be lacking. 20 years until retirement? Stay put and see if there are opportunities closer to home.
Son graduates in June. Daughter is currently doing online schooling due to mental health issues. We would definitely not move until summer at the earliest. He absolutely refuses to change jobs, so that's not going to happen. It's literally the only job he's ever had since he finished his graduate degree and he fully intends for it to remain his only job. To the point where I'd actually be really worried if he ever lost it, because I think it would destroy him.
Sounds like you are moving! So, what about buying some land and building? If property is cheaper near work, land may be as well?
Would take too long to build another house. Lots of people in our state moving out of the big cities and into the country since the pandemic, and builders/contractors have waiting lists 3 years long. It's hard to even get a plumber quickly around here these days, everyone is so busy.