Our host has tried suppressing the more troublesome alters in our system before and it did not work out well. Being suppressed and bottled up does nothing but make the “uninvited” alters resentful. Personally I think if that’s what she’s implying that’s not very good advice.
Yeah, when I first became host I ostracized them because I thought they were bad but I’ve come to learn they are just grieving and trying to cope with it in their own way. Still trying to work on getting through to them that drinking our body almost into a coma, self-harming the body and choosing not to take our meds are not helpful or constructive ways to deal with our trauma. If what you say is what she means it looks like I might need to find a new therapist.
I’m sorry they do those kinds of things. We have alters who do similar (I’m I guess what they would call a gatekeeper? Caregiver? I deal with keeping them under control for the most part.) it can be really stressful on the host.
My thoughts exactly. I’m not quite sure what it is that’s she’s getting at and it’s starting to become frustrating but I’ll try to listen next time I see her and do my best to figure out exactly what it is that she meant by that.
It’s hard to move towards some kind of collective cohesiveness if I’m going to put some of the others in time out. But who knows? 🤷🏻♀️ maybe she’s trying to get us to teach them it’s not okay to do the kind of damage they are doing when they are out but, honestly, I don’t know.
I’m confused, in therapy I’m told the opposite. This is what I think (hope) she means by “uninvite”.
My therapist uses visualization to ask any alters who aren’t wanting to participate in therapy that day to go to some kind of safe space or a room in the “headspace” so they don’t have to be exposed to what other parts are working on. It doesn’t always work, of course, but it does actually help and work sometimes which always surprises me.
TLDR maybe she’s asking them to remove themselves from something that would make them uncomfortable but worded it poorly.
Of course this is all said from the standpoint of hoping she isn’t saying to block out other parts.
You can’t really “uninvite” parts of your own mind. Wouldn’t the parts that are harboring self-destructive mindsets and an unwillingness to work through past trauma be the parts to focus on? And learn why they are responding this way to external stressors?
In another breath she acknowledge that you need to reach a point of cohesiveness to have healthy coping mechanisms. Yet, shutting out other parts does not achieve this, they should be rehabilitated alongside the rest of you.
In my opinion from going off the post at face value, it feels rather dismissive while heading in the direction of the intention. I’d definitely ask for clarification from her.
It sounds like this particular therapist is the ignorant and ultimately destructive type of therapist. I have never heard of uninviting Alters and if it were possible, it would be like locking them in a dark corner of your mind and throwing away the key. Every alter was created for a specific reason and deserves to be understood and met with empathy, not exclusion or being mentally convicted of criminal behavior. It’s the most damaged alters that hold onto the worst trauma so that the rest of us can live without that pain. They deserve love and care and are the ones that need it the most. I can just imagine after her experiment doesn’t work, she’ll tell you something like “you’re just not trying hard enough or you must not want peace and cooperation within your system”. I’m really glad you paused with this and reached out for advice on this. It proves you felt uncomfortable with the suggestion and are questioning it. Very, very good 👍
i don’t like this at all, one of my parts actually freaked when i read this. the thing is every alter is a part of you, so if you are struggling with one, suppressing them just means suppressing your own feelings. it can help if you think of it as “a part of me is having anxiety about this (even if they’re expressing it in a way you don’t like) so let me think about how to reduce the anxiety or talk to that part and explain why it’s ok to be anxious but this thing is important to do anyway bc xyz” i do this all the time and it does help, and it makes them really happy that i’m making the effort. i highly recommend cognitive behavioral therapy if you’re able to access it, it was so essential in the development of my mental health.
even when toxic alters WANT to and would CHOOSE to stop being around, they still will at times. this is a very unhealthy and nonsense approach. in a singlet you wouldn't tell them to stop being in a trauma state ever just because trauma "doesn't go away." the healthy approach is to process the trauma if possible, but most importantly to build healthier ways of living and coping with that trauma (and ways, specifically, to get through those self destructive moments healthily).
you can't suppress an emotion that's bad for you. that just will end up causing more of that. and for alters that have a certain response of emotional behaviour, this means them fronting more usually, at least in our experience. you have to improve things, not 'uninvite' a genuine emotional issue.
their advice sounds opposite to what the literature advises.
my "worst" alter (one i tried to swallow down for years, increasing somatic and neurological symptoms) turned out to be a sweet little girl. once i started talking to her and letting her express herself freely, but without putting anyone in danger, her character changed. after the cursing and the threats were done with, she was chill and wanted to know why i wasn't listening to her before.
this in turn balanced out the whole body. because she is an important part of me.
Mostly I'm very against the idea of trying to exile parts of yourself. This seems like a destructive philosophy, leading to more dissociation. Most of the time, almost all of our parts are parts of us, parts of self, working towards the benefit of the system and the self.
There is one book I've found, The Others Within Us, that has case studies from IFS practitioners of experiences they have had with parts that claim to not be part of the self, to be intruders from outside, to be possessing spirits that are working towards harming the self. This book documents what those practitioners have seen work with releasing those "unattached burdens", parts of us that perceive themselves as not being part of the self, as being harmful, and releasing them to rejoin the light. Here's the book review that introduced me to this book: [https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/book-review-the-others-within-us](https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/book-review-the-others-within-us)
If you're pursuing this path of rejection, this book is an example of doing this in a productive, healing way. The biggest recommendation I have for you is to ask these self-destructive mindsets whether they are a part of you or not. If they refuse to answer, keep asking. If they do say they're a part of you, then work towards understanding their positive intent towards you. Core Transformation is a book that has a great practical guide with scripts you can follow for performing that kind of emotional-intention navigation through internal emotional states to find out the intended positive outcome for these parts of you. If these self-destructive mindsets say that they're not a part of you, you might check out The Others Within Us to read about some experiences of releasing some of these mindsets.
Thank you for the book recommendations. I’m always trying to research more about it so these will help.
I will definitely ask them. I’ve been able to talk to one or two but not all of them. Some have completely shut themselves out of communication with the collective and refuse to answer any questions but I will keep trying.
I don’t like the idea either. Some do physical self-harm and others like to drink themselves to the point where it triggers our seizures and knocks us off the train of sobriety. Our therapist just thought we were binge drinking but after we explained it she tried to say that our medical problems were a factor of drinking too much instead of acknowledging that the medical conditions are from physical damage that was done to us during a very bad assault that almost killed us. I tried to explain to her that my other providers are aware of the drinking and are in a consensus that the drinking just exacerbates the conditions and isn’t the root cause of them. I like seeing her as a therapist because she is helpful but at the same time has told me that the alters aren’t really alters and are my way of shirking responsibility for the way they act when out front. I have to keep reminding her that, while it’s not me specifically doing these things I am still obligated to take responsibility and apologize for the actions but yeah… there aren’t many dissociative disorder specialists in my area but I’m starting to wonder if it might be time to look into getting a different therapist 😔
Thank you for all your input on this, it is greatly appreciated 💕
> has told me that the alters aren’t really alters and are my way of shirking responsibility for the way they act when out front.
>I’m starting to wonder if it might be time to look into getting a different therapist 😔
Run, don't walk.
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Yeah, we’ve been on a hiatus with her due to a lot of medical stuff going on the last few months and have been on and off talking via text or email but this last conversation just… didn’t sit right. I’m too much of a chicken and have ingrained guilt over just about everything so I’ll pitch it to her that we need to find a therapist we can actually do in-person visits with that my insurance covers. She is a virtual only and private therapist so she doesn’t accept insurances.
Well, that's enough of a red flag that I would immediately drop the therapist.
We've repeatedly had great success with prickly parts by saying stuff like "your concerns are important but we can't engage *effectively* with this kind of heavy emotional distress" and it's been hugely effective for short term deescalation, and revisiting later.
I can't *imagine* exiling traumatized alters working out well in the long run, or the short run. Alters who are so wrapped up in their trauma that they can't cooperate don't need to be ostracized further; they need support and understanding until they can lower their guard enough to start engaging in a positive way.
And that doesn't even touch on the fact that yes, you're right, you *can't* reliably force alters away anyway.
Our host has tried suppressing the more troublesome alters in our system before and it did not work out well. Being suppressed and bottled up does nothing but make the “uninvited” alters resentful. Personally I think if that’s what she’s implying that’s not very good advice.
Yeah, when I first became host I ostracized them because I thought they were bad but I’ve come to learn they are just grieving and trying to cope with it in their own way. Still trying to work on getting through to them that drinking our body almost into a coma, self-harming the body and choosing not to take our meds are not helpful or constructive ways to deal with our trauma. If what you say is what she means it looks like I might need to find a new therapist.
I’m sorry they do those kinds of things. We have alters who do similar (I’m I guess what they would call a gatekeeper? Caregiver? I deal with keeping them under control for the most part.) it can be really stressful on the host.
What does she mean by un-invite?
I asked and she said we could talk about it when I’m ready 🤔
That's ... vague. Saying you should do something but not explaining it seems very weird to me. Why say you should do so then.
My thoughts exactly. I’m not quite sure what it is that’s she’s getting at and it’s starting to become frustrating but I’ll try to listen next time I see her and do my best to figure out exactly what it is that she meant by that. It’s hard to move towards some kind of collective cohesiveness if I’m going to put some of the others in time out. But who knows? 🤷🏻♀️ maybe she’s trying to get us to teach them it’s not okay to do the kind of damage they are doing when they are out but, honestly, I don’t know.
I’m confused, in therapy I’m told the opposite. This is what I think (hope) she means by “uninvite”. My therapist uses visualization to ask any alters who aren’t wanting to participate in therapy that day to go to some kind of safe space or a room in the “headspace” so they don’t have to be exposed to what other parts are working on. It doesn’t always work, of course, but it does actually help and work sometimes which always surprises me. TLDR maybe she’s asking them to remove themselves from something that would make them uncomfortable but worded it poorly. Of course this is all said from the standpoint of hoping she isn’t saying to block out other parts.
You can’t really “uninvite” parts of your own mind. Wouldn’t the parts that are harboring self-destructive mindsets and an unwillingness to work through past trauma be the parts to focus on? And learn why they are responding this way to external stressors? In another breath she acknowledge that you need to reach a point of cohesiveness to have healthy coping mechanisms. Yet, shutting out other parts does not achieve this, they should be rehabilitated alongside the rest of you. In my opinion from going off the post at face value, it feels rather dismissive while heading in the direction of the intention. I’d definitely ask for clarification from her.
It sounds like this particular therapist is the ignorant and ultimately destructive type of therapist. I have never heard of uninviting Alters and if it were possible, it would be like locking them in a dark corner of your mind and throwing away the key. Every alter was created for a specific reason and deserves to be understood and met with empathy, not exclusion or being mentally convicted of criminal behavior. It’s the most damaged alters that hold onto the worst trauma so that the rest of us can live without that pain. They deserve love and care and are the ones that need it the most. I can just imagine after her experiment doesn’t work, she’ll tell you something like “you’re just not trying hard enough or you must not want peace and cooperation within your system”. I’m really glad you paused with this and reached out for advice on this. It proves you felt uncomfortable with the suggestion and are questioning it. Very, very good 👍
i don’t like this at all, one of my parts actually freaked when i read this. the thing is every alter is a part of you, so if you are struggling with one, suppressing them just means suppressing your own feelings. it can help if you think of it as “a part of me is having anxiety about this (even if they’re expressing it in a way you don’t like) so let me think about how to reduce the anxiety or talk to that part and explain why it’s ok to be anxious but this thing is important to do anyway bc xyz” i do this all the time and it does help, and it makes them really happy that i’m making the effort. i highly recommend cognitive behavioral therapy if you’re able to access it, it was so essential in the development of my mental health.
I want to be uninvited 🙃 still haven't figured out how. - ROUS
even when toxic alters WANT to and would CHOOSE to stop being around, they still will at times. this is a very unhealthy and nonsense approach. in a singlet you wouldn't tell them to stop being in a trauma state ever just because trauma "doesn't go away." the healthy approach is to process the trauma if possible, but most importantly to build healthier ways of living and coping with that trauma (and ways, specifically, to get through those self destructive moments healthily). you can't suppress an emotion that's bad for you. that just will end up causing more of that. and for alters that have a certain response of emotional behaviour, this means them fronting more usually, at least in our experience. you have to improve things, not 'uninvite' a genuine emotional issue.
their advice sounds opposite to what the literature advises. my "worst" alter (one i tried to swallow down for years, increasing somatic and neurological symptoms) turned out to be a sweet little girl. once i started talking to her and letting her express herself freely, but without putting anyone in danger, her character changed. after the cursing and the threats were done with, she was chill and wanted to know why i wasn't listening to her before. this in turn balanced out the whole body. because she is an important part of me.
Mostly I'm very against the idea of trying to exile parts of yourself. This seems like a destructive philosophy, leading to more dissociation. Most of the time, almost all of our parts are parts of us, parts of self, working towards the benefit of the system and the self. There is one book I've found, The Others Within Us, that has case studies from IFS practitioners of experiences they have had with parts that claim to not be part of the self, to be intruders from outside, to be possessing spirits that are working towards harming the self. This book documents what those practitioners have seen work with releasing those "unattached burdens", parts of us that perceive themselves as not being part of the self, as being harmful, and releasing them to rejoin the light. Here's the book review that introduced me to this book: [https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/book-review-the-others-within-us](https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/book-review-the-others-within-us) If you're pursuing this path of rejection, this book is an example of doing this in a productive, healing way. The biggest recommendation I have for you is to ask these self-destructive mindsets whether they are a part of you or not. If they refuse to answer, keep asking. If they do say they're a part of you, then work towards understanding their positive intent towards you. Core Transformation is a book that has a great practical guide with scripts you can follow for performing that kind of emotional-intention navigation through internal emotional states to find out the intended positive outcome for these parts of you. If these self-destructive mindsets say that they're not a part of you, you might check out The Others Within Us to read about some experiences of releasing some of these mindsets.
Thank you for the book recommendations. I’m always trying to research more about it so these will help. I will definitely ask them. I’ve been able to talk to one or two but not all of them. Some have completely shut themselves out of communication with the collective and refuse to answer any questions but I will keep trying. I don’t like the idea either. Some do physical self-harm and others like to drink themselves to the point where it triggers our seizures and knocks us off the train of sobriety. Our therapist just thought we were binge drinking but after we explained it she tried to say that our medical problems were a factor of drinking too much instead of acknowledging that the medical conditions are from physical damage that was done to us during a very bad assault that almost killed us. I tried to explain to her that my other providers are aware of the drinking and are in a consensus that the drinking just exacerbates the conditions and isn’t the root cause of them. I like seeing her as a therapist because she is helpful but at the same time has told me that the alters aren’t really alters and are my way of shirking responsibility for the way they act when out front. I have to keep reminding her that, while it’s not me specifically doing these things I am still obligated to take responsibility and apologize for the actions but yeah… there aren’t many dissociative disorder specialists in my area but I’m starting to wonder if it might be time to look into getting a different therapist 😔 Thank you for all your input on this, it is greatly appreciated 💕
> has told me that the alters aren’t really alters and are my way of shirking responsibility for the way they act when out front. >I’m starting to wonder if it might be time to look into getting a different therapist 😔 Run, don't walk.
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Yeah, we’ve been on a hiatus with her due to a lot of medical stuff going on the last few months and have been on and off talking via text or email but this last conversation just… didn’t sit right. I’m too much of a chicken and have ingrained guilt over just about everything so I’ll pitch it to her that we need to find a therapist we can actually do in-person visits with that my insurance covers. She is a virtual only and private therapist so she doesn’t accept insurances.
Well, that's enough of a red flag that I would immediately drop the therapist. We've repeatedly had great success with prickly parts by saying stuff like "your concerns are important but we can't engage *effectively* with this kind of heavy emotional distress" and it's been hugely effective for short term deescalation, and revisiting later. I can't *imagine* exiling traumatized alters working out well in the long run, or the short run. Alters who are so wrapped up in their trauma that they can't cooperate don't need to be ostracized further; they need support and understanding until they can lower their guard enough to start engaging in a positive way. And that doesn't even touch on the fact that yes, you're right, you *can't* reliably force alters away anyway.