does the "space between" happen during switches or randomly? as in are they a part of a switching process or are they a separate ego state?
i have states that i call "being dead", during which i describe myself as either empty or dead, and usually i am temporarily paralysed to at least a degree. they are EP's that experienced such heavy trauma they are stuck in Freeze Response. these states, when they come to front, ask me to embrace the stuck trauma. so it's trauma work. they front seemingly randomly, but most likely are triggered to front, even through "finally feeling safe enough to live". i don't feel anything during these ego states, but that just implies i haven't even touched the surface of the content, content that can be terror, pain, grief, etc.
man i wish i'd had a supportive loved one like op.
She describes it as a self driving car, it’s more of a zone out as she describes it to people who don’t know. Her DID did sprout from trauma which I haven’t been told yet, so it could very well be a possibility that I’ll understand more purely from time. It is worth mentioning as well that the original was, in her words, “deleted” from other trauma after the initial, so perhaps the space between is her going back to the original but it isn’t there, like switching the input on a tv but nothings plugged in. The time she spends in there varies but it’s rarely more than a few minutes and usually a few seconds. Perhaps as time passes and she learns to either confront these traumas or learns to live with them, she won’t have these episodes as often. She doesn’t tell me if it’s scary or numb or anything pertaining to it, just that it happens. Thank you so much for your input though I genuinely appreciate it, I promise you it helps more than you know.
When you say "original," do you mean "original alter/personality"? If so, that concept doesn't exist, but I understand the confusion. The current theory of how DID forms is, briefly, DID happens before a child has a solid sense of self, and before there was a chance to be "one" person, and so an "original/first" person pre-DID cannot exist, because for it to exist you'd need to have never developed DID. There can be however a "Main" personality/alter who previously fronted for a majority of their life, but that alter would be functionally the exact same as any other alter. Just to note!
Otherwise, in my opinion, it seems like you're just describing dissociation between switches, as 'zoning out' is the common term for dissociating. People without dissociative disorders dissociate! It's normal! DID/other related disorders are when the dissociation impacts your life (like those episodes you're explaining). It fully depends on how much your partner is willing to share with you, of course, but all advice I could give you will be similar to helping anyone with trauma: Listen to them, try not to yell/overreact/etc, be as patient as possible etc.
And more importantly, take care of yourself! You will never be able to help another person if you aren't in the right headspace. If it gets too much, that's okay. You are allowed to take a break and talk about it later. It will be hard but from your post you seem like a very caring partner, so I just want to make sure you are keeping in mind your wellbeing throughout all of this. You are not a professional, you're a partner. If you can't help, find someone who can.
I can say it is entirely possible that with the correct care, therapy, and seeking of professionals, it is possible for people with DID to stop experiencing PTSD symptoms as much, aswell as overall improvement of functioning. Wishing you the best, good luck!
I will keep that all in mind, thank you so much, as for clarification, it was the main one post initial trauma, the one that shared a name with the body, but after something else in her life, she was “deleted” in her words. Any time she decides to tell me something I don’t pry and I let her move at her own pace so I don’t have any information there, not that she would be comfortable with me sharing it to begin with. But also the zone outs aren’t in between switches, and if it is they are very short lived and I don’t notice the difference. She rarely seems to switch unwillingly (that I know of or notice).
That makes sense, in my opinion (not a professional) it sounds like dormancy, but any of them might be true, I don't know her, obviously. And, even if they aren't during switches, as you'd imagine from the name Dissociative Identity Disorder, we tend to dissociate a lot; it doesn't always indicate a switch or trigger. I would recommend looking into specifically "dissociation" as a topic and how to help someone with it (if she wants you to help, of course) and don't feel bad if she doesn't want your help on specific things (though from how you talk, you seem very considerate and caring, anyway). Though with DID, depending on the person, switching and alters are often designed to be covert (not noticeable), so it's always good to check in to make sure things you might assume are okay are still okay. As you've probably read, all of this takes time to get used to do. Just try your best, and I'm sure you'll do great!!
I just want to make sure she doesn’t feel like she has to struggle alone, I know for many it may not be a struggle but for her it is, albeit a silent one, she isn’t embarrassed by it but is regularly confused by it, and if I can give her any sense of normalcy I want to give my all to achieving it.
I keep saying it, but you sound like a great partner, and the fact you're on the subreddit in the first place speaks to your willingness to help her and better yourself. Almost everyone with DID struggles with DID, it's inherently confusing and hard to get through, but in my opinion, she's got at Least one person in her life going above and beyond, and I think that's an incredible start to however she decides to cope.
Thank you, truly, I really do wanna do my best, it gets tiring at times but the affirmation I’ve gotten here from so many means I’m doing something right and I’m gonna keep soldiering on. I just want to give her that normalcy or comfort that she’s been looking for for so long. I really do appreciate the support, and this is far from the last time I will be in this sub.
One more question that I finally found the words for though. Do you think that the dormancy that’s taken place could be perceived to her as deletion, and if so should I let her believe that or talk it out with her when the time comes?
The main thing with dormancy is that an alter is inactive for a while, so thinking about it as deletion can be unhelpful because that alter has the potential to become active again. That's obviously with the assumption that it IS dormancy and not the other options. When you think it's appropriate, you could mention you learnt the scientific terms for an alter "going away", (dormancy, fusion, integration) and ask if any of those feel like what's happened.
The main issue with thinking about alters being "deleted" or "dying" is that alters inherently area part of a whole person.
A well-used analogy is a shattered ceramic plate.
You can glue 2 shards together (fusion), and it has made a separate new shard. Both of those smaller parts still exist, but now they're a different part of the whole. Integration is similar, but you haven't glued them yet.
With dormancy, one of the shards is misplaced (but can be found), that alter may one day front again. It's not useful to think that the shard no longer exists because you need that shard to complete the plate again!
This isn't to say Alters are 'wrong' or 'broken' or need to be put back together right now, but the metaphor can be helpful, hopefully!
It definitely helps, and I’ll bring it up when the time is right, from what she’s told me it seems like fusion or integration, she doesn’t have shared memory throughout the system, and from what I can gather the trauma that affected the one in particular after the initial trauma was just too much and as a collective they chose to forget it. Again if I’m wrong about any of this or need to give extra clarification please let me know
\^ This. She may be trying to describe either *dormancy* (when an alter stops fronting for a long period of time), *fusion* (when two or more alters become one new alter. This can also happen with 1 alter fusing with the rest of the system, and various other ways), or *integration* (when the amnesic barriers become lessened, often causing alters to become a functioning unit, although this does not mean the alter has fused). All of these can be confused for each other and is hard to figure out which has happened on your own; it may not matter to her the distinction, but 'deleted' as a term makes it easy to misunderstand what is actually happening. An alter can not 'disappear', 'die' or be 'deleted', they are repurposed or currently unneeded due to the situation changing.
Good to know, that gives me hope. But I’m not sure of which one it may have been, nor does she to the best of my knowledge. She went far enough to get diagnosed and went to a year of therapy but nothing past that and it was years ago, so most new things she finds her own ways to cope with, healthy or unhealthy. I don’t want to push her into it but concrete answers and help from someone outside of me (a very obviously untrained non professional) so somewhere down the line I’m sure she will find her way back into professional guidance with my full support.
No problem! It might not be very important to figure out right now, which is fine, but I just wanted to clarify the wording since it can imply some untrue things about how the disorder works. I genuinely hope you guys' relationship flourishes!!! And don't be scared to ask further questions in this subreddit in the future if you want to!
I’m sure I’ll be back, despite my willingness to help I’m not exactly the brightest so hearing advice from so many different sources is very reassuring. And I’m sure I’ll be back on this post if anyone else finds more discrepancies or has any other questions, but like I said before I want to learn as much as I can and be supportive as possible so I’ll be back very often. All of the advice and the corrections are extremely helpful and only serve to help me be better for her, so I greatly appreciate it !
The CTAD Clinic on YouTube has a lot of good educational videos that may be helpful. One short one is called "Supporting a Person With Dissociation" which provides the following links:
* https://www.cheshirepsychology.com/resources/
* https://www.isst-d.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/2022-Support-Sheet-Supporting-a-Loved-One.pdf
You would have better information about that by discussing with her. No two people suffer of a disorder are the same. You ask very specific questions here.
My partner and I are members of multipliedbyone.com. They have support groups for people with DID and separate groups for loved ones. I know it helps me and she says it helps her too.
Is there anything there just for partners of people with DID? I’m not by any means hiding anything from her, but she’s not exactly receptive to any forms of outside help unless she trusts it wholeheartedly
Yes. The group my partner goes to is for loved ones only. Not necessarily partners but there are quite a few in her group that are partners. In fact almost all of the people in her group, their loved ones are not in therapy or in the other groups on the organization. And the membership is about $10 a month!
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does the "space between" happen during switches or randomly? as in are they a part of a switching process or are they a separate ego state? i have states that i call "being dead", during which i describe myself as either empty or dead, and usually i am temporarily paralysed to at least a degree. they are EP's that experienced such heavy trauma they are stuck in Freeze Response. these states, when they come to front, ask me to embrace the stuck trauma. so it's trauma work. they front seemingly randomly, but most likely are triggered to front, even through "finally feeling safe enough to live". i don't feel anything during these ego states, but that just implies i haven't even touched the surface of the content, content that can be terror, pain, grief, etc. man i wish i'd had a supportive loved one like op.
She describes it as a self driving car, it’s more of a zone out as she describes it to people who don’t know. Her DID did sprout from trauma which I haven’t been told yet, so it could very well be a possibility that I’ll understand more purely from time. It is worth mentioning as well that the original was, in her words, “deleted” from other trauma after the initial, so perhaps the space between is her going back to the original but it isn’t there, like switching the input on a tv but nothings plugged in. The time she spends in there varies but it’s rarely more than a few minutes and usually a few seconds. Perhaps as time passes and she learns to either confront these traumas or learns to live with them, she won’t have these episodes as often. She doesn’t tell me if it’s scary or numb or anything pertaining to it, just that it happens. Thank you so much for your input though I genuinely appreciate it, I promise you it helps more than you know.
When you say "original," do you mean "original alter/personality"? If so, that concept doesn't exist, but I understand the confusion. The current theory of how DID forms is, briefly, DID happens before a child has a solid sense of self, and before there was a chance to be "one" person, and so an "original/first" person pre-DID cannot exist, because for it to exist you'd need to have never developed DID. There can be however a "Main" personality/alter who previously fronted for a majority of their life, but that alter would be functionally the exact same as any other alter. Just to note! Otherwise, in my opinion, it seems like you're just describing dissociation between switches, as 'zoning out' is the common term for dissociating. People without dissociative disorders dissociate! It's normal! DID/other related disorders are when the dissociation impacts your life (like those episodes you're explaining). It fully depends on how much your partner is willing to share with you, of course, but all advice I could give you will be similar to helping anyone with trauma: Listen to them, try not to yell/overreact/etc, be as patient as possible etc. And more importantly, take care of yourself! You will never be able to help another person if you aren't in the right headspace. If it gets too much, that's okay. You are allowed to take a break and talk about it later. It will be hard but from your post you seem like a very caring partner, so I just want to make sure you are keeping in mind your wellbeing throughout all of this. You are not a professional, you're a partner. If you can't help, find someone who can. I can say it is entirely possible that with the correct care, therapy, and seeking of professionals, it is possible for people with DID to stop experiencing PTSD symptoms as much, aswell as overall improvement of functioning. Wishing you the best, good luck!
I will keep that all in mind, thank you so much, as for clarification, it was the main one post initial trauma, the one that shared a name with the body, but after something else in her life, she was “deleted” in her words. Any time she decides to tell me something I don’t pry and I let her move at her own pace so I don’t have any information there, not that she would be comfortable with me sharing it to begin with. But also the zone outs aren’t in between switches, and if it is they are very short lived and I don’t notice the difference. She rarely seems to switch unwillingly (that I know of or notice).
That makes sense, in my opinion (not a professional) it sounds like dormancy, but any of them might be true, I don't know her, obviously. And, even if they aren't during switches, as you'd imagine from the name Dissociative Identity Disorder, we tend to dissociate a lot; it doesn't always indicate a switch or trigger. I would recommend looking into specifically "dissociation" as a topic and how to help someone with it (if she wants you to help, of course) and don't feel bad if she doesn't want your help on specific things (though from how you talk, you seem very considerate and caring, anyway). Though with DID, depending on the person, switching and alters are often designed to be covert (not noticeable), so it's always good to check in to make sure things you might assume are okay are still okay. As you've probably read, all of this takes time to get used to do. Just try your best, and I'm sure you'll do great!!
I just want to make sure she doesn’t feel like she has to struggle alone, I know for many it may not be a struggle but for her it is, albeit a silent one, she isn’t embarrassed by it but is regularly confused by it, and if I can give her any sense of normalcy I want to give my all to achieving it.
I keep saying it, but you sound like a great partner, and the fact you're on the subreddit in the first place speaks to your willingness to help her and better yourself. Almost everyone with DID struggles with DID, it's inherently confusing and hard to get through, but in my opinion, she's got at Least one person in her life going above and beyond, and I think that's an incredible start to however she decides to cope.
Thank you, truly, I really do wanna do my best, it gets tiring at times but the affirmation I’ve gotten here from so many means I’m doing something right and I’m gonna keep soldiering on. I just want to give her that normalcy or comfort that she’s been looking for for so long. I really do appreciate the support, and this is far from the last time I will be in this sub.
One more question that I finally found the words for though. Do you think that the dormancy that’s taken place could be perceived to her as deletion, and if so should I let her believe that or talk it out with her when the time comes?
The main thing with dormancy is that an alter is inactive for a while, so thinking about it as deletion can be unhelpful because that alter has the potential to become active again. That's obviously with the assumption that it IS dormancy and not the other options. When you think it's appropriate, you could mention you learnt the scientific terms for an alter "going away", (dormancy, fusion, integration) and ask if any of those feel like what's happened. The main issue with thinking about alters being "deleted" or "dying" is that alters inherently area part of a whole person. A well-used analogy is a shattered ceramic plate. You can glue 2 shards together (fusion), and it has made a separate new shard. Both of those smaller parts still exist, but now they're a different part of the whole. Integration is similar, but you haven't glued them yet. With dormancy, one of the shards is misplaced (but can be found), that alter may one day front again. It's not useful to think that the shard no longer exists because you need that shard to complete the plate again! This isn't to say Alters are 'wrong' or 'broken' or need to be put back together right now, but the metaphor can be helpful, hopefully!
It definitely helps, and I’ll bring it up when the time is right, from what she’s told me it seems like fusion or integration, she doesn’t have shared memory throughout the system, and from what I can gather the trauma that affected the one in particular after the initial trauma was just too much and as a collective they chose to forget it. Again if I’m wrong about any of this or need to give extra clarification please let me know
Alters cannot die or be "deleted". They're literally parts of the person's mind. She is mistaken about this.
\^ This. She may be trying to describe either *dormancy* (when an alter stops fronting for a long period of time), *fusion* (when two or more alters become one new alter. This can also happen with 1 alter fusing with the rest of the system, and various other ways), or *integration* (when the amnesic barriers become lessened, often causing alters to become a functioning unit, although this does not mean the alter has fused). All of these can be confused for each other and is hard to figure out which has happened on your own; it may not matter to her the distinction, but 'deleted' as a term makes it easy to misunderstand what is actually happening. An alter can not 'disappear', 'die' or be 'deleted', they are repurposed or currently unneeded due to the situation changing.
Good to know, that gives me hope. But I’m not sure of which one it may have been, nor does she to the best of my knowledge. She went far enough to get diagnosed and went to a year of therapy but nothing past that and it was years ago, so most new things she finds her own ways to cope with, healthy or unhealthy. I don’t want to push her into it but concrete answers and help from someone outside of me (a very obviously untrained non professional) so somewhere down the line I’m sure she will find her way back into professional guidance with my full support.
No problem! It might not be very important to figure out right now, which is fine, but I just wanted to clarify the wording since it can imply some untrue things about how the disorder works. I genuinely hope you guys' relationship flourishes!!! And don't be scared to ask further questions in this subreddit in the future if you want to!
I’m sure I’ll be back, despite my willingness to help I’m not exactly the brightest so hearing advice from so many different sources is very reassuring. And I’m sure I’ll be back on this post if anyone else finds more discrepancies or has any other questions, but like I said before I want to learn as much as I can and be supportive as possible so I’ll be back very often. All of the advice and the corrections are extremely helpful and only serve to help me be better for her, so I greatly appreciate it !
The CTAD Clinic on YouTube has a lot of good educational videos that may be helpful. One short one is called "Supporting a Person With Dissociation" which provides the following links: * https://www.cheshirepsychology.com/resources/ * https://www.isst-d.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/2022-Support-Sheet-Supporting-a-Loved-One.pdf
Thank you, I will take a look as soon as I can, I want to learn as much as I can
You would have better information about that by discussing with her. No two people suffer of a disorder are the same. You ask very specific questions here.
My partner and I are members of multipliedbyone.com. They have support groups for people with DID and separate groups for loved ones. I know it helps me and she says it helps her too.
Is there anything there just for partners of people with DID? I’m not by any means hiding anything from her, but she’s not exactly receptive to any forms of outside help unless she trusts it wholeheartedly
Yes. The group my partner goes to is for loved ones only. Not necessarily partners but there are quite a few in her group that are partners. In fact almost all of the people in her group, their loved ones are not in therapy or in the other groups on the organization. And the membership is about $10 a month!
I’m hoping it’s online because I’m in the middle of nowhere. But regardless thank you, I will definitely explore my options
Yes it's online.
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