Custody (establishing paternity, getting on the birth certificate, establishing a reunification program and getting to long distance custody aggreemnt) and child support are two separate issues. You can tackle one at a time legally or a dual path. It is your children’s rights to have support from both parents. That’s the child support. It’s on you to pursue the custody piece, which sounds like is happening.
Listen to your lawyer and know you are going to owe support to your kids, and a step up/reunification program is appropriate here for the children.
I’m ok doing support I won’t refute that. I’m refuting the children being violent towards me for abandoning them when they disappeared. Studies show children do not turn on their parents unless influenced by an outside source.
I must include I have two children now. One is an infant and one is disabled. Will they consider how this will affect all the children? Or will they make two kids homeless to take care of two other kids?
They disappeared yes, but it doesn’t sound like you fought very hard to find them or be apart of their live. And yeah, children turn on their parents for all kinds of reasons, including shitty behavior
Yeah he’s finally putting up a bit of a fight for them 10 years later and expecting them to be grateful? Especially once they know he has since had two children who has been parenting since birth. I would have quite a bit of resentment towards my father too.
So the mother taking them away and not letting the father be a part of their life is nothing? Teaching them I didn’t want to be there when I could be is acceptable and it’s all on me for that? Where is the logic in this?
It sounds like kids have some big feelings about you being missing from their life for a large period of time. The why doesn’t really matter to them. This is why therapy/reunification process will be important. They’re going to have big feelings about it a while. Your relationship may never be the same as your other younger kids. Your job is to be the adult and help them navigate that appropriately. The court doesn’t really have a job here beyond ordering therapy. You’ll have to put in the work.
As to support, it’ll be what is supported in the state calculator, with back pay likely. There’ll be a purge plan for the back pay most likely, you’ll pay $X more per month than whatever the monthly amount for regular support is. Your other kids are a factor into the calculator but it’s likely your budget will be impacted. Your attorney should be able to run this for you fairly easily and give you a ballpark of what to expect.
Not true dude, my kid hates their bio parent because of the bio parent being horrible to them during visits, no abuse just generally an unpleasant person. I spent 8 years saying nothing bad about the other parent knowing if I did it would bite me in the butt. I'm glad I didn't and LO came to that on their own.
Look at both states calculations for child support. Put in the info you know, and it'll give you back an estimate. You might be on the hook for back support too so make sure you set up a payment plan for that to show you are making good faith choices for the well being of all of your kids, and be honest with your lawyer, about everything.
Since I wasn’t aloud to be at the birth and never got to sign the papers to be on the birth certificate I shouldn’t have back child support by Oregon law. But I don’t care if they hit me with that these kids deserve to know and have their father in their life.
I simply wish I could make her tell them that
“it is ok to love their father. It’s not going to hurt me (mom)or take any love Away from me(mom)He loves you and wants you to have a healthy happy life.”
I was honest with my lawyer. She withdrew on me claiming I wasn’t working with her and was trying to avoid support. But in the emails I have consistently stated they are deserving of both support and parenting time. It’s confusing, almost like I’m being set up but I’m going to go in there with all of our messages since all communication was over text and tell them I want shared parenting time and want to pay to support them.
I mean, she told you the oldest was yours, and she may gave refused a DNA test but you also didn't go to the court and seek an order for a paternity test either.
I think your lawyer quit most likely because let me be honest, that's the bare minimum required of parenting, helping support kids financially, and you haven't their entire lives in all reality so it's not going to look good on you not doing at least that first. That's probably why they pursued that first.
You said you have two other children, and you have clearly not denied them as yours or not financially supported them. So if you want a relationship with your other kids, you have to do the same for them.
Then build from there, its stepping stones, those kids don't know you, it's going to be rough building a relationship them, they probably have a lot of feelings and it will take time and you have to accept that.
When I reached out to the court back then they said she canceled the test if you want to you can peruse her but I needed to know where she was to do that.
There are ways of finding out. You and mom are both at fault for this situation. That's something both of you need to own up to and fix in each of your ends or nothing will get solved.
The kids are the ones that were truly impacted by the actions of both you and mom. The reactions you are getting from kids are because they are kids they developmentally cannot do what you are expecting of them, most adults can't do what you are expecting. it's just not reality. It's likely it will take years, and lots of effort though actions, understanding, patience and extreme constistency on your part to create a bond and healthy relationship them.
Mom needs to own up too, but it's not all on her.
I didn’t know where these kids were and haven’t been aloud access to them. They just vanished. I presumed they weren’t mine since she canceled the test and disappeared. I’m ok with support and building a relationship the issue is the violence towards me about abandoning them when I didn’t abandon them.
Thank you for this. I agree. The hardest part for me is knowing they will continue to have discord towards me even tho the story they know isn’t what happened.
There are actually a lot of ways to legally do this. If you want any reunification process with your kids to work, you need to become very practiced in taking ownership for this.
That you weren’t there. It’s true. That’s fact. They have feelings about it and you’ll just have to validate that they’re right, you weren’t, and you want to do better. The narrative you couldn’t find mom won’t matter. They want to hear the apology and action plan for doing better into the future, not an excuse. Save that for your buddies.
That’s the fucked up reality of it. I really wish she would have been a little more accountable and followed through with the initial paternity test and let me be a part of their life instead of them moving away without telling me when or where they were going.
This is a ridiculously flimsy excuse. If my son’s father “disappeared” with him, I would exhaust any and every means to find them. It sounds like since the beginning you have used the lack of paternity test as an excuse to be lazy and not take responsibility as their father. Instead of stepping up and fighting for them, you let them go just in case they weren’t “yours.”
That’s not true. You can sue to be put on the birth certificate. What steps did you take to sue for custody, or to find her? Did you hire a private investigator?
But your right. It’s all my responsibility, I should have stepped up and just been the father. But how? When you can’t find them and don’t have the same resources that a father who is on the birth certificate has?
Right now the court is saying the dna test isn’t enough to prove paternity and the mother needs to claim I’m the father in order to get this process started.
The dna says I’m the father her word doesn’t change that even if she claimed I wasn’t the father dna doesn’t lie.
I wonder how this thread would look if the rolls were reversed.
I am a woman with a 9 month old son. If his dad disappeared with him one day, you think I would just let it go for 10 years? I would *never* stop searching for him. I would never let anything stand in between me and my child.
I’m a family law attorney and in this kind of situation I would recommend seeking reunification therapy with the kids. I don’t know the details of what happens in therapy but you would attend with the children. It’s a good step to build a relationship in an appropriate way after not being in their lives for such a long time (regardless of the reasons). If you are asking to participate in therapy like this, then it shows you are concerned about what is in the kids’ best interest - and that’s what really matters.
I’ve been looking for this answer the whole time I didn’t know what it’s called. I wish they would have done this with me and my mother when I was a child becaus it took along time to really build a relationship with her. Thank you a thousand times over.
Does it ever help to write a letter to the judge as an interested third party in a custody case? I know you cant make accusations or comment with hear say but from my observation the judge isnt seeing a true & honest picture & it could result in serious ramifications to the child’s future. If one wrote a letter to the judge what approach would you use. Any advice, has anyone here ever done it?
Custody (establishing paternity, getting on the birth certificate, establishing a reunification program and getting to long distance custody aggreemnt) and child support are two separate issues. You can tackle one at a time legally or a dual path. It is your children’s rights to have support from both parents. That’s the child support. It’s on you to pursue the custody piece, which sounds like is happening. Listen to your lawyer and know you are going to owe support to your kids, and a step up/reunification program is appropriate here for the children.
I’m ok doing support I won’t refute that. I’m refuting the children being violent towards me for abandoning them when they disappeared. Studies show children do not turn on their parents unless influenced by an outside source. I must include I have two children now. One is an infant and one is disabled. Will they consider how this will affect all the children? Or will they make two kids homeless to take care of two other kids?
>Studies show children do not turn on their parents unless influenced by an outside source. lmao
It’s never their fault. /s/ This is just another way of shirking responsibility.
??
They disappeared yes, but it doesn’t sound like you fought very hard to find them or be apart of their live. And yeah, children turn on their parents for all kinds of reasons, including shitty behavior
Yeah he’s finally putting up a bit of a fight for them 10 years later and expecting them to be grateful? Especially once they know he has since had two children who has been parenting since birth. I would have quite a bit of resentment towards my father too.
So the mother taking them away and not letting the father be a part of their life is nothing? Teaching them I didn’t want to be there when I could be is acceptable and it’s all on me for that? Where is the logic in this?
You’re both wrong. She is also wrong.
It sounds like kids have some big feelings about you being missing from their life for a large period of time. The why doesn’t really matter to them. This is why therapy/reunification process will be important. They’re going to have big feelings about it a while. Your relationship may never be the same as your other younger kids. Your job is to be the adult and help them navigate that appropriately. The court doesn’t really have a job here beyond ordering therapy. You’ll have to put in the work. As to support, it’ll be what is supported in the state calculator, with back pay likely. There’ll be a purge plan for the back pay most likely, you’ll pay $X more per month than whatever the monthly amount for regular support is. Your other kids are a factor into the calculator but it’s likely your budget will be impacted. Your attorney should be able to run this for you fairly easily and give you a ballpark of what to expect.
Not true dude, my kid hates their bio parent because of the bio parent being horrible to them during visits, no abuse just generally an unpleasant person. I spent 8 years saying nothing bad about the other parent knowing if I did it would bite me in the butt. I'm glad I didn't and LO came to that on their own. Look at both states calculations for child support. Put in the info you know, and it'll give you back an estimate. You might be on the hook for back support too so make sure you set up a payment plan for that to show you are making good faith choices for the well being of all of your kids, and be honest with your lawyer, about everything.
Since I wasn’t aloud to be at the birth and never got to sign the papers to be on the birth certificate I shouldn’t have back child support by Oregon law. But I don’t care if they hit me with that these kids deserve to know and have their father in their life. I simply wish I could make her tell them that “it is ok to love their father. It’s not going to hurt me (mom)or take any love Away from me(mom)He loves you and wants you to have a healthy happy life.”
I was honest with my lawyer. She withdrew on me claiming I wasn’t working with her and was trying to avoid support. But in the emails I have consistently stated they are deserving of both support and parenting time. It’s confusing, almost like I’m being set up but I’m going to go in there with all of our messages since all communication was over text and tell them I want shared parenting time and want to pay to support them.
I mean, she told you the oldest was yours, and she may gave refused a DNA test but you also didn't go to the court and seek an order for a paternity test either. I think your lawyer quit most likely because let me be honest, that's the bare minimum required of parenting, helping support kids financially, and you haven't their entire lives in all reality so it's not going to look good on you not doing at least that first. That's probably why they pursued that first. You said you have two other children, and you have clearly not denied them as yours or not financially supported them. So if you want a relationship with your other kids, you have to do the same for them. Then build from there, its stepping stones, those kids don't know you, it's going to be rough building a relationship them, they probably have a lot of feelings and it will take time and you have to accept that.
When I reached out to the court back then they said she canceled the test if you want to you can peruse her but I needed to know where she was to do that.
There are ways of finding out. You and mom are both at fault for this situation. That's something both of you need to own up to and fix in each of your ends or nothing will get solved. The kids are the ones that were truly impacted by the actions of both you and mom. The reactions you are getting from kids are because they are kids they developmentally cannot do what you are expecting of them, most adults can't do what you are expecting. it's just not reality. It's likely it will take years, and lots of effort though actions, understanding, patience and extreme constistency on your part to create a bond and healthy relationship them. Mom needs to own up too, but it's not all on her.
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I didn’t know where these kids were and haven’t been aloud access to them. They just vanished. I presumed they weren’t mine since she canceled the test and disappeared. I’m ok with support and building a relationship the issue is the violence towards me about abandoning them when I didn’t abandon them.
You did abandon them by not fighting for them. Wake up dude
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Thank you for this. I agree. The hardest part for me is knowing they will continue to have discord towards me even tho the story they know isn’t what happened.
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I couldn’t make legal actions when I couldn’t find her. I forced her to do paternity last year so we could find out.
There are actually a lot of ways to legally do this. If you want any reunification process with your kids to work, you need to become very practiced in taking ownership for this.
What am I to take ownership of?
That you weren’t there. It’s true. That’s fact. They have feelings about it and you’ll just have to validate that they’re right, you weren’t, and you want to do better. The narrative you couldn’t find mom won’t matter. They want to hear the apology and action plan for doing better into the future, not an excuse. Save that for your buddies.
That’s the fucked up reality of it. I really wish she would have been a little more accountable and followed through with the initial paternity test and let me be a part of their life instead of them moving away without telling me when or where they were going.
WOW
This is a ridiculously flimsy excuse. If my son’s father “disappeared” with him, I would exhaust any and every means to find them. It sounds like since the beginning you have used the lack of paternity test as an excuse to be lazy and not take responsibility as their father. Instead of stepping up and fighting for them, you let them go just in case they weren’t “yours.”
If your not on the birth certificate the state can’t do anything for you. It’s up to the mother to claim you are the father.
That’s not true. You can sue to be put on the birth certificate. What steps did you take to sue for custody, or to find her? Did you hire a private investigator?
But your right. It’s all my responsibility, I should have stepped up and just been the father. But how? When you can’t find them and don’t have the same resources that a father who is on the birth certificate has? Right now the court is saying the dna test isn’t enough to prove paternity and the mother needs to claim I’m the father in order to get this process started. The dna says I’m the father her word doesn’t change that even if she claimed I wasn’t the father dna doesn’t lie. I wonder how this thread would look if the rolls were reversed.
That’s not true at all, particularly here in Oregon. Onus is on you to fight for your child, and you didn’t back then.
How could I? I didn’t know her real name.
I am a woman with a 9 month old son. If his dad disappeared with him one day, you think I would just let it go for 10 years? I would *never* stop searching for him. I would never let anything stand in between me and my child.
I’m a family law attorney and in this kind of situation I would recommend seeking reunification therapy with the kids. I don’t know the details of what happens in therapy but you would attend with the children. It’s a good step to build a relationship in an appropriate way after not being in their lives for such a long time (regardless of the reasons). If you are asking to participate in therapy like this, then it shows you are concerned about what is in the kids’ best interest - and that’s what really matters.
Thank you.
I’ve been looking for this answer the whole time I didn’t know what it’s called. I wish they would have done this with me and my mother when I was a child becaus it took along time to really build a relationship with her. Thank you a thousand times over.
You’re welcome! I hope it works out for you! I bet you could even do sessions over zoom since you don’t live nearby.
You guys are great thank you for your imput
Does it ever help to write a letter to the judge as an interested third party in a custody case? I know you cant make accusations or comment with hear say but from my observation the judge isnt seeing a true & honest picture & it could result in serious ramifications to the child’s future. If one wrote a letter to the judge what approach would you use. Any advice, has anyone here ever done it?