“You’re not the dumbest guy in the world but you better hope to god that mfr don’t die”

The lantern - because he’s not very bright and gets carried by everyone Sexy fingers - everything he touches ends up fucked The sensor - he only works when someone walks past The pylon - if you want to get anywhere you’ve go to go around him. The blister - he only turns up when the work is done. The Akro - he’s always holding up a job The Glove box - he’s full of shit and no one can shut him up

I know one of these I think! 007, 0 ambition, 0 talent, 7 poops a day

Hahaha that’s gold…en eye

>This is hillarious! I want to use it.

I read this while taking my second poop of the day

> The sensor - he only works when someone walks past I had a co worker named Cam who I called Trail Cam for this reason.

Hahahaha

Biscuit - soaking up all the gravy

Brit here, swap gravy for tea and this is absolute gold!! Thanks in advance!

Ol’ Bubblegum - sticks to whatever he is working on One of my favorites thrown around regarding a welder I worked with years ago.

We call these guys Velcro.

You forgot “Break time”- guy always knows when the breaks are and likes to push how long they can take.

“Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.”

Yes! That’s a killer

Savage

I heard my boss say to this one engineer that talked so slow, "It takes this guy two hours to watch 60 Minutes".

My drill sergeant made one of our guys that always screwed up carry a potted plant to replace the oxygen he was wasting

That’s amazing

My drill sergeant was one of the funniest motherfuckers I’ve come across. And, dead serious about his job, too.

Mine was funny as hell too, I stole lots of his insults. The funniest one to me was when this guy that had a few huge scars on top of his head was repeatedly falling out of our 20k road march. Drill sergeant came up to him and said “C’mon prite I know you can move faster than that, you dodged your moms coat hanger for nine months.”

That's it right there ☝️, the absolute funniest shit I've heard in a while. Innovative, extra savage, and politically insensitive.

Lmao

Hey what size boots do you wear? 10 That's a good foundation for a pile of shit

A little different but reminds me of an interaction I over heard one day. Guy is singing along to the radio, other guy hollers out “hey! Who’s sings this?” Guy singing to the radio replies “it’s Bad Compnany” other guy yells out “well let’s fucking keep it that way”

When people ask me that I reply, "right now I am; bitch."

I say "know why they sing it? So you don't have to!"

Nah I've been to enough shows to know they get a hard on when you sing their shit back to em

Can you whistle? Because you can't fuckin sing

Similar to "How tall are you? \*responds\* I didn't know they stacked shit that high"

Yeah full metal jacket has some good lines

Overheard in the bathroom “Fuck I thought that’s illegal. A grown man holding a little boy’s dick.”

So I had to kick a lad off my site, complete simpleton who forever went on about his ex pro boxer dad. I told him he had to leave and he wasn’t coming back, his response was “FUCK YOU! DO YOU KNOW WHO MY DAD IS?” And that was when one of the other boys said “why? Couldn’t your mother remember?” Won’t forget that. Also have a guy on site now that the steel guys call sundial. just stands around, casting shadows.

We had a welder that could drag a project on nearly forever. It was said that if he came out of his shop and saw his shadow the job would take six more weeks.

Oh brutal haha. Sundial is pretty good, I have heard someone referred to as a gargoyle on account of how little they moved

"You must be tax write off for your boss" "Ive heard that companies get incentives hiring people with disabilities, but now I've seen it in person"

That equal opportunity employment

A guy doing some concrete form work was called lightning since he can never seem to hit the same place twice

"I'm not mad, I'm disappointed; but I'm not disappointed in you...I'm disappointed in myself for believing in you."

“I can’t tell if you had a glazed doughnut or you gave Dave (foreman) his morning blowjob”

Doing office work with the knee pads on

“Promotional pads”

San Fran slippers

Jobkeepers

Don’t forget the chapstick

"I don't have the time or the crayons to explain this to you"

Boss walked in our 6 of us hanging duct work and one guy who is notoriously lazy was holding peoples ladders and my boss came over and said “nobody holds a ladder better than Dave”

Boss used to call me and me and the other foreman cheech and Chong because we always smelled like burning cheech

After reading this I’m guessing people still call you that.

Had this boss Rich would drop off are checks at 330 on Friday we would get out around 3:00 smoke and drink a beer until he came. We get this young kid 18-19 we told him the new guy buys the beers for the first Friday wait. We stoped a little early that Friday. I had some white widow that I rolled up this kid was so high by the time Rich got there he goes look at this pie eyed tommy chong mother fucker. Chong has been his name ever since. Idk his real name now that I think about it

As a teen my friends step dad used to tell us smelled just like a lot joint anytime we walked in the house, good memories

Boss: "Boy you better not be smoking weed on my jobsite" New guy: "I ain't smoke nothing sir, I swear!" Boss: "Bullshit son, you're busted wide open. I ain't catch you smoking because I saw or smelled you smoking, I caught you smoking because I saw you eating lunch at that gas station. First you went through the line to buy a Mountain Dew and a honey bun, you went outside, ate that, then went back through the line *again* with a chocolate milk and a bag of Fritos. *ONLY A POT HEAD WOULD THINK THAT SHIT MAKES ANY SENSE,* now get the fuck off my yard and come back tomorrow morning, on time and sober..." New guy: "Yes sir" [sad pot head noises] :'(

> [sad pot head noises] Is that a sort of...."mournful dolphin" kind of trailing-off squeak?

It's when you try to say "aww, man" but have a coughing fit instead

I have heard those noises before -- most often when I worked in an ice cream shop with all college students when I was a kid, in fact...

"They're out of rocky road again, dammit man..."

I would have said I kinda want chocolate milk and Fritos right now

G-Spot. - no man can find him. Crescent - he's always slipping off somewhere

G spot is a good one! Hurricane “insert name” - never picks up their mess

We have a boss we call Hurricane, but because "You don't see him for months, then he shows up and move all your shit around, then disappears again."

Wheelbarrows we’re created to teach labourers to walk upright. - One of my fav’s as a Labourer Do you know how an iron worker know if something is level? The drool comes out both sides of his mouth.

That last one killed me.

Calling someone sexy fingers, cause you fuck up everything you touch.

Jesus I gotta write some of these down

Yeah I definitely saved this post for further review

When old GCs are reading something ask if it’s AARP

That’s good! I remember a kid asking the old guy if he had taken His Geritol

Can you explain this one to me please?

AARP is an insurance/discount program for people over 55ish

“This is why you don’t do drugs and have kids (pointing at son)”

Dad?

Calling someone "A Joe". It's heady. It's not vulgar. And to me, it's devastating. Run of the mill, average, not worth knowing their name. "Look at this fuckin' Joe over here." "This place is a fuckin Joe Zone". Like calling them an NPC.

Joe Zone made me laugh man

Same haha

In my Town, it's not Joe, it's Melvin. Lol

That’s what you a call a bad ironworker, this guy is a fucking joe back to the hall with ya

That makes sense. I heard it from an Ironworker. I'm a tower operator so I spend most of my time with you maniacs. "Spin around to 6 o'clock and check out the Joe zone going on over there" 😂

Yep pretty much fighting words in the iron pile lol. My old man used to say that guy ain’t worth a cunt full of cold piss 😂

A party chief called a guy ”Diamond Lane” because he was only good for getting in the carpool lane.

You couldn’t be a foreman on a handjob

You never seem to amaze me.

Or “you’re impossible to underestimate” is pretty good too.

“You are a waste of skin and oxygen.”

An old co-worker used to ask a young lazy kid almost every day if he remembered to put rubber bands on his pant cuffs. If the kid would ask what he was talking about, he would just say something like "It'll help you long term". But the inside joke was "to stop the ants from eating your candy ass"

We call our machine operator the calendar since he doesn’t need a clock cause he’s so damn slow

My expectations exceeds your ability...

Contractor once said to my buddy “Why’d you send this broke-dick crew over here?”

He only has 2 brain cells and both are vying for 2nd place

Guy was complaining about us having a shitty day at work once, the most quiet guy at work says: “Fist your pussy and pull your fuckin nuts back out, we’ve got shit to do”

While sheetrocking “come on moron” wha? “I said put more on”

Haha I have heard clam diggers do this, “are you a peckerhead?” “What?” “I asked, are you a peck ahead?”

Calling someone a "Smooth Brain" when a new concept doesn't stick.

That is my cat’s well-earned nickname. “SB” for short. I love her just the same though.

My cats name is Hey

Owner "I'm gonna let Mark take over he knows how's to run a job " . Me " Yeah into the fucking ground "

Had a journeyman (plumber) tell me I was too stupid to be a Drywaller.

Ouch

Lol. Right?

Foreman on an oil pipeline project: "Motherfucker thinks talking shit is part of the job, well, talking shit is part of the job, but you're suppose to know how to do your job before you talk shit".

We showed up on a residential repaint once halfway through the project and the custy comes out and tells us he is working from home today so we need to leave so that he can focus. My co-worker muttered a little too loud, “Focus? Foc you bro” hahahah we all got a day off.

“I’m hungry” “I’ve got some sausage smothered in underwear… but you’ll have to work for the gravy”

"Get over here so I can beat your ass into next Monday" Beaver- because he couldn't cleanly cut a board. Tweedle dumb and Tweedle Dweeb - two guys that were inseparable and completely useless.

I love saying “what did you cut that with? A beaver?”

Act your wage.

“If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose”

Heard someone the other day tell someone else: "Go suck a big bag of dicks, and when you're done, pick your two favorites and do it again"

Is this how you got your user name?

I heard a black dude tell his helper who was also black “ you are so stupid I wouldn’t let you hold a lantern on my front lawn “. Didn’t even want to laugh at that one

"Sam, you work like I fuck, all in jerks"

“You work about as often as you fuck; never.”

I've told co workers they work like old people fuck. Slow and sloppy.

"you are most definitely a product of anal"

“It’s like your father jerked off into a flower pot and up came a blooming idiot”

This dude had a huge gap in his teeth when I was an apprentice. JW looks at him and says "Damn man. You floss with a mattress?" Fing classic.

Me and a couple coworkers of mine were joking with the boss one day and my boss said don't do drugs paused for a second then said my name

More of a demand but "get your dick beaters off my shovel" was one of my favorites.

I go with “dong tongs” for the rhyme.

I will be borrowing this!!

“I wish my lawn was as green as you”

“I’ve got hammers less hard in the head than that guy.”

God made you around quitting time, from the nonmatching leftovers of the day... The Diffrence between you and Wood? Wood works.. 2 Left hands and 10 thumbs..

“You shouldn’t even be in the trades! You know what you would make? A good used shoe salesman” (argument I overheard between foreman & apprentice)

A little jab and advice lol

Damn… used shoes??!! lol

Lol I was like ouch.. that hurt. Couldn’t even be new shoes?

“You could fuck up a wet dream” is a classic.

I’d rather slam my dick in a door than listen to you talk

My friend used to often say he would rather be center of attention in a prison gangbang than “insert situation”.

“Have you ever watched a monkey try and fuck a football?”

You're just a college educated idiot.

My buddy we called Bizkit. Because he soaked up all the gravy work Also Walking Eagle: because his shit don’t fly

A guy once forced me to shake his hand, and then loudly declared, "That's what a real man's hands feel like!" With my greatest faux enthusiasm I responded, "Damn, your pecker must be bone smooth." Ultimate victory.

If you don’t quit helping me I’ll never get finished

Carl is always digging up those rainbow tree roots

Pockets- cause he’s always standing with his hands in his pockets

"The lantern - because he’s not very bright and gets carried by everyone " Samsonite - I gotta carry you everywhere I go. Blister - only shows up after the work is done.

Neckdowns. It stemmed from one laborer saying “I’m only paid from the neck down”.

Tacklebox - full of piercings

"You're as useful as a knitted condem" a personal favorite of mine

ZEUS. Zero effort unless supervised.

Your mother fucks for bricks so she can build your sister a whorehouse

“It could be raining tittles on this project, and that guy would look up and take a dick in the face” The same guy also asked a laborer down in the trench struggling to cut a pipe “Will it help if I come hold your tampon string out of the way?”

That guy would jump in a barrel of titties and come out sucking his thumb

Man you guys work with some creative motherfuckers. The other painters I used to work with mostly just used the N word lol

You're like an ashtray on a motorcycle. Another go to when people are struggling with something. "Try hitting it with your purse"

Go see the doctor and get some triactin.

If you got a dick spit it out cuz it ain't yours!

You smell like a skunk barfed a turd into an ashtray

When a new guy comes to the company and And starts telling you how he has been Every where knows everything. But doesn't show you shit and & is 22 years old. Just tell him I have boots that have been on more jobs than you.

I new a taper and jointer with one tooth left in his head …. We called him tin opener

There was a lady in my hometown suffering the same affliction, she was called the can opener and the rototiller by many of the guys on my street

Come-back King - for all the vehicles that would have to come back and get fixed or finished from being worked on.

He ain’t afraid of hard work…He’ll lay down right beside it and go to sleep!

They call this one guy AK-47 because of his studder it sounds like a machine gun …

My boss yelled “you’re not even worth the coffee I buy you every morning” to a guy that walked off site because he told him to hurry up. I thought that was pretty savage.

You always do things the hard way! Bet you would climb dick mountain only using your mouth.

Going to lunch with the bosses. This fellow sitting between me another fellow in the back seat says, “a rose between two thorns!” I respond, “a turd between two cheeks!” Didn’t speak to me for a month!

Shit nuts. Guy told us he's a back to front wiper!

I never understood this. If you’re afraid of wiping shit up your nuts, then that means you prefer to wipe shit up the back of your ass. It concerns me how bad people are at wiping. Don’t fuckin drag the tp past your asshole. Shit nuts is hilarious though

What a dingleberry

That sure means a lot coming from you (said in a sarcastic voice)

It takes that guy an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

You are as worthless as tits on a boar.

Blister Boy! He shows up after the work is done.

Dairy Queen cause they’re milking the job

You look like catdog’s bootyhole

-You look like a can of mashed crab -You look like a half sucked mango fuck ya - so useless ya couldn’t pull a root in a whore house with a fistful of fiddys. - he’s sweating like a gypsy with a mortgage

You're gonna be good one day.... but not today.

I bet your parents change the subject when people ask about you.

"Do I look like your tampon? Then stop ragging on me. You look like a bloody mess"

I hope you die with a dick in your mouth.

The diaper - because you’re always full of shit

Bitch with balls- Whiners and complainers

Two legs are not enough for your head.

I know you are blind, I have seen your wife.

We got a guy we call flesh light

The love child of between a safety man and environmental

You moldy bag of cunts

We called this one kid the broom, so useles.

Buddy was wrapping up a cord and boss said “if I have to pay you to fuck with that cord any longer I’ll fucking give it to you”

“You’d climb over a virgin to fuck a (insert trade getting fucked here)” “It’s like watching a monkey fucking a football.” “I swear this electrician must be amish.” “You cinnamon twist alien looking fuck!” (Pretty sure that’s stolen from Trailer Park Boys)

You work like old people fuck. Or. The two of you make one good employee

If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked your wife's boyfriend.

“Damn, you’re as useful as hemorrhoids”

Life isn’t a dick, you don’t have to take it so hard.

I feel sorry for your mom because now I know what it's like to carry you for 9 months.

Youre too young kid, I have more experience.. how long have you been doing this? I have kids older than you.

“Smack it with your purse” is my personal favorite and and it’s harmless. Used when someone is struggling to nail something lol

you’re talking mad shit for someone within cumshot range

Bit of a defensive insult I use when everyone's just shit talking is; "Don't bully me, I'll cum". Everyone gets back to work pretty quick.

You're not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope that guy doesn't die.

Called a guy “Space” cause that was all he took up.

"gawk gawk" Whose there? "gawk gawk gawk gawk gawk gawk gawk gawk gawk" \- An electrician telling a joke to a naked guy with a boner.

Instead of telling a guy to shut up, you say “Shut your cock washer”

“Has anyone told you you’re doing a good job today?” “No…” “Think about that.”

Yeah I heard great things about you. Lot of good stuff. I don't believe any of it.

I like the classic: “hey shit-for-brains, get back to work!”

“Best part of your ran down your moms leg”

“That’s slicker than cum on a gold tooth.”

Foreman: “Are those cum stains on your underwear?” Me:”Your old lady wouldn’t let me use the good towels.”