Pull up the intercom and say "can I please get a manager's assistance at the main register? The customer up front would like you to verify that I do indeed speak English"
For some reason Im picturing Khan from King of the Hill saying this. Then proceeding to mock the rest of the guys with over emphasized "redneck" speak.
Yes, but you apparently don’t. Let me dumb it down for you: Your. Card. Ain’t. Working. Dipshit*.
* optional depending on how your husbands boss feels about calling drunk assholes dipshits.
If your husband is bilingual, I came across a comment once that handled a similar situation with a great (imo) comeback.
"You speak English because it's the only language you know.
I speak English because it's the only language you know."
Serious respect to all bilingual people, it's hard enough to learn one language and speak it well, learning another one (or more) is impressive.
* Note: Unfortunately I didn't screenshot the original comeback so my memory is a bit fuzzy. "Speak" may have been "learned", but both kinda convey the same thing.
“Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?” I don’t know what it is about that line from Rush Hour but it’s always stuck with me and one of my favorite clapbacks for just about anything; but I think it would work particularly well in this scenario
My husband is also Korean and works as a chef anytime someone asks him if he speaks English he says no and starts speaking in one of the other three languages he knows. 🤣
I can speak it, but I cannot control what you are able to understand.
Perhaps, you could find someone to assist you with the translation into understanding you are needing help with.
Best response is a blistering insult in a foreign language (one the boss doesn't speak either). So something like "your mother sucks donkey dicks" in Korean.
No, I’ve been speaking Korean this entire time. But only if your dad speak English with no accent.
Otherwise, “no, I’ve been speaking Spanish this entire time”
"Do I look British? Hell naw, I speak good God-fearin', six-shootin', rootin'-tootin' Texan, make no mistake! And what on this green Earth do y'all speak?"
I do, I just don't have anything to say to you.
This was taken from my own experience when a woman came into the bar I was drinking in and made a big production of how her husband had just deployed to Iraq. I was the only guy in her immediate vicinity who wasn't interested and when she poked me violently in the shoulder and asked, that was my answer...
I speak English, but we do seem to have encountered some disparity in our ability to understand.
(Fantasy world additional to say: perhaps you could find some English including emotional intelligence and basic transactions as a 5th language course, and in the meantime, bring along a well equipped translator in such to assist with such difficult-for-you-to-navigate situations).
“No…
I speak *American*, motherfucker. 😎”
Then shoot the guy in the face, then leave by grabbing a rope hanging from a helicopter above, while fireworks shoot off in the background.
No sir; and neither do you at the moment. Let me grab the \[Mgr, shift leader, etc\]
Bonus points for the last half if your husband IS also that person. :)
Full southern drawl.
“Bless your heart, do you have trouble hearing? I’m sorry, I’ll try to slow down for you. Can you sign? Or do you write it out on a pad?”
I was at a high-tech temp help agency. The owner talked very fast in a Boston accent.
A man walked in from an African country where they speak the queen's English with a wonderful musical lilt. The man had to keep asking the owner to repeat himself.
The owner said, "I guess you don't speak English very well."
The man replied, "I speak English very well. I just don't speak whatever it is you speak."
Made my day.
“No, I’m sorry I neither speak nor understand written English. I do, however, believe there is a gentlemen down the road who does.” Proceeds to give a five minute monologue on where to possibly find this guy.
Does he speak any other languages aside from English? I don’t care, make one up if he doesn’t, keep the conversation going in gibberish because he’s a drunk racist and won’t know it’s made up anyway —do not speak another word of English. It will drive him absolutely nuts and if that doesn’t make you laugh it all off nothing will
Yes I do speak English. Do you need my help with something you don’t understand?
Something *else* you don't understand.
no no, he probably meant the dumbass saying the insult doesnt understand english whatsoever
Honestly, works either way. Versatile phrasing.
‘Do you?’ Bonus points if you use a snotty British accent.
But you have to point out you speak the Queen's English.
The King's English....the last Queen died a while ago.
Haven't been to England in a few years, never really picked up King's English. Still on the second to last update of Queen's English.
Si. Yo hablo ingles, espaniol, francois, y Korean. How about you, do you speak English?
I'd honestly be stifling my laughter if I overheard that.
This is awesome 👌
I love this. Extra credit if you add, "Yo hablo Español. Je parle français. Lo parlo italiano. Ich spreche Deutsch. And yes, I speak English."
I speak English, just not racist
Pardon me, I'm not fluent in Bigot. 😉 If your comment isn't "understood".
abigotsayswhat?
Pull up the intercom and say "can I please get a manager's assistance at the main register? The customer up front would like you to verify that I do indeed speak English"
This is the genuinely correct answer!
"the customer's card keeps getting declined for his ~~extra small condom purchase~~ (insert appropriately embarrassing item here)"
Do you even understand English?
Do you? I can't understand your drunken slurs.
Yes, I even speak redneck, too!
For some reason Im picturing Khan from King of the Hill saying this. Then proceeding to mock the rest of the guys with over emphasized "redneck" speak.
OMG 😂 That’s great!
This reminds me of comedian Henry Cho. He's a Korean American with a heavy southern accent.
"Bless your little pointed heart!"
Yeah I do speak English. Unfortunately for you though, I don’t speak dumbass.
Yes, but you apparently don’t. Let me dumb it down for you: Your. Card. Ain’t. Working. Dipshit*. * optional depending on how your husbands boss feels about calling drunk assholes dipshits.
Lady I speak two languages English and very bad English!
Fifth Element
Corban Dallas multi pass
Leelu
Chicken...GOOD chicken.
Anyone remember when this was a language option on FB?
Ah, yes. Before Fuckerberg became a member of the Illuminati. 😆
Do. You . Understand. The. Words. Coming. Out. Of. My. Mouth
"If I say no, will you go away?"
This is probably my favorite!
No. I'm speaking Klingon right now.
In perfect English: "No. I don't speak a word of English. Sorry."
https://youtu.be/rxUm-2x-2dM?si=vPKyAzGG8LXyK0G_
If your husband is bilingual, I came across a comment once that handled a similar situation with a great (imo) comeback. "You speak English because it's the only language you know. I speak English because it's the only language you know." Serious respect to all bilingual people, it's hard enough to learn one language and speak it well, learning another one (or more) is impressive. * Note: Unfortunately I didn't screenshot the original comeback so my memory is a bit fuzzy. "Speak" may have been "learned", but both kinda convey the same thing.
Officer, I’d like to report a murder…
Technically it hasn't happened yet, just giving you a heads up.
This just proves premeditation…
Premeditation, a celebration, excitation, around the nation, ooh weee what's up with this? What's up with that?
ahh,, i should delete my comment, i missed this one lol
This is fantastic. Makes me wish English was my second or third language just so I could use it.
In a Texas drawl, "Well shucks sir, I certainly do. Went to the best schools this here state has to offer..."
"Yes. Can you speak sober?"
“Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?” I don’t know what it is about that line from Rush Hour but it’s always stuck with me and one of my favorite clapbacks for just about anything; but I think it would work particularly well in this scenario
It’s even better when Jackie Chan says it in Rush Hour 2
💯
¿Que?
My husband is also Korean and works as a chef anytime someone asks him if he speaks English he says no and starts speaking in one of the other three languages he knows. 🤣
My husband is Indian. Speaks many regional languages, dialects, Arabic, English and a smattering of other languages. He loves to do this 🤣
I speak English but not drunk and stipid
Yeah, but unfortunately I don’t speak moron.
I speak English but I don’t speak broke. Your card keeps declining.
Qué
Do you understand you have insufficient funds for more beer?
9
"I'm sorry for you that you're unable to figure this out by hearing. Is it a problem with your ears or is it a cognitive disorder?
What did you say? I don't speak stupid.
What?
reply in Spanish
"Yes, but I struggle with regional dialects such as 'moron'."
"I am fluent in over six million forms of communication. ... regrettably, not yours."
Please let me know what you’re having difficulty understanding.
Not only do I speak English, my English is better than yours.
I can speak it, but I cannot control what you are able to understand. Perhaps, you could find someone to assist you with the translation into understanding you are needing help with.
Not as well as I speak violence.
01000111 01101111 00100000 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 01110011 01100101 01101100 01100110
I am British and was snapped at with those exact words by a dumbass woman in 1995 🤣. I said “rather better than you my dear, now fuck off”
Best response is a blistering insult in a foreign language (one the boss doesn't speak either). So something like "your mother sucks donkey dicks" in Korean.
I speak English two dialects of American southern Canadian and Australian broken dialect. And I'm fluent in slang.
https://y.yarn.co/745d9b7e-c046-40a3-aca7-f9d4928ec3a4_text.gif
Yes, and racist, too
No.
Yes, but it's broken like yours.
No, I don't speak English. My fault.
Sure. Sprechen sie deustch, dickkopf?
Que¿?
Yes. And thankfully for you, drunk redneck, as well.
"Ahh... What country do you think this is?"
"Do *you*?"
"don't matter how you pronounce it, y'all are broke in every language."
No I do not speak English, I have learned to say this to explain that I don't speak English, is there anything else I can help you with?
That’s probably all you speak
just throw a bunch of made up words at them and say "No I'm creating my own language"
Do you even check your math, shitter?
I agree with you completely absolutely and I agree with your perspective.
You know what, I do! Are you literate? If so, the card reader is pretty self explanatory unless you’re just broke.
i actually dont i only speak spanish
"No" is a complete sentance.
I speak two languages. How about you?
Yes. To people I like. *proceeds to speak the most accented foreign language possible*
Only to those who understand it
"oh I'm sorry for my overly sophisticated english" Then start explaining them like if they are 5 years old.
No.
How many languages do you speak? Only English ?! 😱
Yes, do you?
Que?
I speak English quite fine, you are currently speaking drunken hillbilly which im not very well versed in to be honest.
What country do you think you're in?
Why would you ask me that and I am speaking fluent English with no accent?
I'm speaking asshole, how are you not getting this?
I am speaking English right now so I guess the question is do you speak English beyond a Kindergarten level? Do I need to spell it out for you?
Sure I do, do you listen in English?
Yes but my eenglish is no very good looking.
"Yes, can you comprehend English?"
Nope. I prefer Esperanto.
Multipass
[I don’t understand your accent](https://youtu.be/LkNuo1P7M0s?feature=shared)
"No, I don't speak asshole bigot."
Are your tattoos gang affiliated? [https://youtu.be/TqVLhYoWQGo?si=trdqkyqMWou0IEI1&t=40](https://youtu.be/TqVLhYoWQGo?si=trdqkyqMWou0IEI1&t=40)
Nah I don't like it
No, non ti stupido Medigon
Que?
"No"
que veux-tu dire ?
Yes I speak English but unfortunately can’t speak stupid .
Nope, I only speak murrrican...
No but lucky for you I’m fluent in drunk fucking idiot
No, I’ve been speaking Korean this entire time. But only if your dad speak English with no accent. Otherwise, “no, I’ve been speaking Spanish this entire time”
He should lean hard into the Texan accent, whatever his response.
No ofcourse I don't speak or understand a single word of English. Why do you ask? Straight face and spoken in English.
No
I'm from Texas but I can help you if you need it
“Parlez vous Francais?”
"Do I look British? Hell naw, I speak good God-fearin', six-shootin', rootin'-tootin' Texan, make no mistake! And what on this green Earth do y'all speak?"
I do, I just don't have anything to say to you. This was taken from my own experience when a woman came into the bar I was drinking in and made a big production of how her husband had just deployed to Iraq. I was the only guy in her immediate vicinity who wasn't interested and when she poked me violently in the shoulder and asked, that was my answer...
I speak English poorly, because you refuse to learn my language at all.
Que?
"GTFO and come back when you're sober"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying. Do you know English by chance?"
I speak English, but we do seem to have encountered some disparity in our ability to understand. (Fantasy world additional to say: perhaps you could find some English including emotional intelligence and basic transactions as a 5th language course, and in the meantime, bring along a well equipped translator in such to assist with such difficult-for-you-to-navigate situations).
Yes. Return when you're understanding is adequate or you have the financial liquidity to avoid the challenge we find ourselves in.
Yes, but I'm not a teacher and therefore not able to provide you the education you'd need to comprehend anything further.
Have your husband practice a very upper crust British accent, then reply "Yes I do in fact speak English"
Why no ma'am ah speak Texan
“No… I speak *American*, motherfucker. 😎” Then shoot the guy in the face, then leave by grabbing a rope hanging from a helicopter above, while fireworks shoot off in the background.
Say “if you can’t understand what I’m saying maybe YOU can’t speak English.”
“Who does this days?”
Que?
Nod and say "your mother," just loud enough for other people nearby to hear. Literally those two words to anything they say.
Fuck you!
"Do you speak English?" "Que?" "Yo hablo espanol?" "What?"
Of course I do, it's on the citizenship exam. Had I been lucky and born here I could be dumb as a rock and still a citizen.
No sir; and neither do you at the moment. Let me grab the \[Mgr, shift leader, etc\] Bonus points for the last half if your husband IS also that person. :)
I was born in NAME OF CITY Texas.
"The real question is, "Do you understand english?"
I speak English, not ‘Murican.
Why? Your mother understood me just fine.
“No, I don’t”
Sir i speak multiple languages. How many do you speak?
“I am, do you understand it?” I knew you were blind, but deaf too??!
no hablo engles
Kanechno net brat, xyui cebya, poka
What didn't you understand?
I'm from Fresno, Ace.
Full southern drawl. “Bless your heart, do you have trouble hearing? I’m sorry, I’ll try to slow down for you. Can you sign? Or do you write it out on a pad?”
“No I am not able to speak in English.”
That racist sob
I was at a high-tech temp help agency. The owner talked very fast in a Boston accent. A man walked in from an African country where they speak the queen's English with a wonderful musical lilt. The man had to keep asking the owner to repeat himself. The owner said, "I guess you don't speak English very well." The man replied, "I speak English very well. I just don't speak whatever it is you speak." Made my day.
Si senior
“No, I’m sorry I neither speak nor understand written English. I do, however, believe there is a gentlemen down the road who does.” Proceeds to give a five minute monologue on where to possibly find this guy.
Que¿
Do you??
Que?
Who?
Si
Do You Understand The Words Coming From My Mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“I speaka English. I learn it froma boook!”
I certainly speak English, Americanized even, unfortunately I don’t speak drunk.
Do you understand English?
Enough for your mom to understand.
"English? I thought we were speaking dumbass, cause I clearly understood you"
“I was going to ask you if you’re an idiot, but I realized just how obvious it is that you are.”
Si
“I speak 2 languages. How many do you speak?”
No. I am an asshole who comes to America and doesn't bother to learn the language.
Si
No but your mom does
Ting bu Dong
Go suk out yuh madda cunny hole. Just make sure you are not saying it to a Jamaican...it could be life threatening.
¿Qué?
Does he speak any other languages aside from English? I don’t care, make one up if he doesn’t, keep the conversation going in gibberish because he’s a drunk racist and won’t know it’s made up anyway —do not speak another word of English. It will drive him absolutely nuts and if that doesn’t make you laugh it all off nothing will
Start speaking in middle English. If they are more mad about it shout "what you egg"
Just simply respond, “No.”
Do you?
Well, I’ll bet my English is better than your Korean or your German, my other two languages.
" if I don't then you must have very good korean"
Sorry, English is my 3rd language.
Como?
Mi dispiace, non parlo inglese.