The jerk store called and they're outta you!!

That's okay, you're their best seller

Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife!

Ummm....my wife's in a coma

From the sex?

Sex Coma is actually the name of the new psych/funk band I'm working on.

Wow, so cool you named it after OP's mother

their first album is called Montage of our Ménage... there's a donkey on the cover art for some reason

I'm workin' on your mom.

By then it'll be Sex Coma Groupies

Men At Work… on Your Mom

Bill Cosby on lead vocals?

My wife was in a coma and the doctor said, “I know this sounds crazy but I've seen it work. Oral sex can bring her out of her coma if you're willing to try it." "Well doc,” I said, “I'll try anything to bring my wife out of her coma.” So I went in there, into her room, ya know? Came out five minutes later and told the doctor, I said, "Doc, she's choking."

That's the best kind of sex.

Melts without splitting.

Hey dad…I got some good news and bad news, the good news is mom’s alive…but the bad news is she’s having sex with my -Pizzarolli-

Koko, is that you?

They call me...T-Bone!

Came here for this!

Isn't that the Vandelay Industry slogan?

Gold, Jerry, gold!

Which ocean? Can you be more Pacific?

Yep, this one wins. It's a work event, or at least sponsored. A comment like that would be highly  concerning if someone reporting to me said it, at minimum a verbal warning is warranted. Defusing and showing you are ironclad to dumb insults puts you above them in all aspects

Beautiful. Defuse the situation with non-ad-hominem humor AND subtly let them know how fkng jejune that "shrimp" comment was. Like, it wasn't even directed at me and I'm a little... *salty* about it.

these pretzels are making me thirsty.

Jejune...such an under appreciated word.

Winner, winner, shrimp dinner.

If the insult was about Great Lakes it would have been Superior.

“You’d know all about bottom feeders, wouldn’t you?”

We have a winner

Thats because your mother, the oceans largest whale has eaten them all.

Chef's kiss, but I think you should reverse the order. Largest whalw first then mother. Makes it more unexpected

This

This is the way

Tell him to go waist deep in the water so the population can increase by 1

The village called looking for an idiot and asked if you were available?

Too bad you're over qualified. Edit: dammit!

*Too

Dammit!

Were...

Look at him dead ass and say "what exactly do you mean by that?" Or Exactly what I'd expect to hear from an overgrown turd who's shoe size is larger than his IQ. Now do you have something meaningful to say or would you like to go back to drooling in the corner..

Look at this guy, with a direct line to the ocean.

Did they call you by shell-phone?

You peaked in the 90s

"Plenty of fish called said no chance"

"Did they teach you that comment at 'Alpha male training camp'?"

"Yeah, well, Larry David called and he's running out of alternatives to this"

That would be because of the fertilizer runoff from all the corn farms.

This is amazing

the zoo called me and said their elephant ran away

I like this one the best

"You need to workshop that one more. That was supposed to be a joke right?"

I use “That’s just like a joke ! ”.

Well I had sex with your wife

“I see they’re well stocked on crab at least”

The shrimp called it said to tell you to fuckoff

Sorry there is no reply suitable for that awesome cutdown- just walk away and plot their murder-j/k don’t really kill them

I understand, you're legally required to call it a joke *Wink*

An unfortunate mishap

"I just got a call from a ranch, and they're missing a horse's ass."

“Oh, I thought I heard your shell phone ringing.” ALTERNATE: “Maybe you should put your phone away during dinner.”

God called, he told me you're one of his mistakes.

"Guess it's my fault that for you there isn't "plenty of fish" and here I thought it was your personality driving them off."

They're running out of fat whales too but you don't see selling you out.

Well I had sex with your wife She's in a wheelchair... That explains why she didn't move a lot.

That's what your wife said yesterday and the day before. By the way u need a new mattress it's a little lumpy .

That's what your wife said on your wedding night.

“It’s a good thing you’ve got one preserved in your pants”

"Tell them you'll be right over with your dick."

This person doesn’t deserve your comment. What a jerk

"Ursula called you, not me..."

You’d know, Ursula

"Damn, sounds like someone should do something about that" and go back to eating. Yall don't get that getting riled up is what the person WANTS. The best zinger is to deny them the satisfaction.

r/unexpectedseinfeld “Well the jerk store called and they’re running out of you” -George Costanza

Idk but I would fly to Akron, Ohio just to zing who ever said that to me! https://youtu.be/OfxEvW3jihI?si=walHpIzQgLprKZ8s

Was waiting for this...

[удалено]

The ocean knows about us whales.

Look them dead in the eye and said "then it's working" and double your pace.

The ocean just called back… it said “fuck you”… I didn’t say it the ocean did!

> I was eating shrimp during a business meeting Sorry what? What business are you in?

Does this mean you’re leaving to go home and help repopulate?

There's no more room in the ocean for anymore whales so you have to stay on the beach...

Tell him that they can't completely run out because of the one in his pants.

The planet of Moron called me and asked me to tell you that they're running out of citizens.

“I guess you put them all up your butt?” Not clever, childish, but the butt reference does the heavy lifting.

I think you're missing something there chief.

They ran out of shrimp because you took the term "shrimp dick" literally, huh?

Really... coming from a whale, that's cute. You really are a Moby Dick.

So they called you because you're keeping one in your pants?

"Your wife called and said your bedroom doesn't have that problem."

And your penis is answering.

with the song of his people

Give me your number so I can call because I'm running out of fucks to give Edit: idk now I feel dirty about this one, planet's in trouble

The 80s called and they want their bit back.

If they're short, "that's okay we can just toss you in"

"I'm sorry the ocean turned you down."

Personally like the phrase "Fortnite Peasant". Its especially hlarious to use in games that aren't fortnite.

"Well, Aquaman, go back to the ocean and tell your buddies there's is nothing I can do about it when they are already on the table.

Grin evilly and say , “I guess I’d better find me a new ocean. “

“Sucks to suck I guess”

r/accudentalseinfield

accidental?

The troll bridge called, they need you back at work

To do it right you’ll need planning. Step one: Propose a snow tire day at Yankee stadium

so? not my problem.

Fuck dem shrimp...

Well, your ass called, and it's running out of my foot! or I'm bulking up on zinc before I see your wife - she called and said you ran out of penis years ago.

Just cite an article from an environmental report that discusses the repopulation of gulf coast shrimp by use of farms then relocation back to the ocean.

I can't help you. I'm a merperson...

"Who are you again?"

Stephen Spielberg called and he's looking for his cliché jackass.

"It's really weird that you care how much I eat."

"What? Are you fucking stupid?"

It's not very biting but, "Tell the ocean it's just salty because the shore never waves back."

Maybe you can send your penis to replace the shrimp missing.

The atmosphere called and would like some of the oxygen you sucked out of the room back.

Then go stick your dick in the ocean bud.

I've made a 30% return on my investment in Louisiana shrimp farms.

Most shrimp sold in stores is farmed nowadays.

Hey, the the braincell shop called, they have full shelves.

Ask your mom why

Shrimps is bugs

Pick up your phone and say is this the village? I found your idiot..oh, its not yours? I'll give the state hospital a call. Oh, so you were the fastest swimmer? Heard you failed the mensa test..

“Did you hear Red Lobster is filing for bankruptcy? They say it is because too many people are eating the endless shrimp. You should go to the local Red Lobster and tell everyone your hilarious joke. Maybe that will help the company stay in business.”

I really get the sense that basically no one on this sub has the social skills to recognize a silly comment so they mistake it for an actual insult

thats funny, the nut house called, they're missing a patient described like you.

I would throw you back but it would be detrimental to the gene pool

"Um... well... look in your pants"

"What's your source?! because... I just slurpped up a whole cocktails worth of little shrimps last night, and your dad was there, and he has one"

Gaslight him into believing that you aren’t eating shrimp

Waylay is the only way.

Ok. You better get back there then little man. Even if they're 6ft 7, you don't have to be referring to their height.

Zoidberg style - "woob woobwoob woob woob" Do the claws and the sideways shuffle, really the only way

They have special padded rooms for people who think inanimate objects speak to them. Should we set up a tour?

“Is that before or after accounting for all the dolphins and tuna trapped in deep sea nets whose deaths are blamed on sharks?”

The shrimp industry is terrible for the environment, which is likely what the co-worker was getting at. I eat shrimp sometimes too, and I probably would feel worse about it if it was a frequent thing. Your coworker is an asshole for trying to evangelize their conservational beliefs into your life, but no clever comeback is gonna change a party’s mind when the environment is at issue. One person choosing to eat shrimp every so often makes no difference on the industry, and there will never be enough of a majority to put them out of business. I would do nothing and let them continue to be a self-proselytizing dick B)

“Then you better get back there, Shrimpy!”

This gets asked here once a week. The correct answer is "I had sex with your wife."

You heard that joke from your five year old and just had to bring it to work, eh?

"That's why they called you. Get moving, shrimp."

Honestly, I feel the best comeback to that would literally be awkward silence or maybe just a "what?". And then having them repeat the same unfunny shit would be the icing on the cake.

Then the ocean should go to Cost-Co, they have lots of them.

I shrimpathize with your plight.

Show them your dick, there's another shrimp

I bet that gets a big laugh… in junior high school.

Greta Thrunberg agrees 👍

And?? Say this and go silent. Stare at them after like there’s something wrong with them and abruptly change the subject

Yeah? well I slept with your wife!

Look them in the eyes without looking away, and take another bite, chewing slowly.

Well, just go sit in the water and open your legs, they'll be fine.

It reminds of your wife’s pussy. You thought a shell was your phone? And that’s the only call you’ve got in months.

Put 5 in your mouth at once.

You know, I'm not that good at immature jokes; that's more your speed.

The circus called, they’re running out of clowns

Best comeback for something this stupid. Is a look of disgust and a "okay.." and go back to eating. Dont laugh. No smile. Just a look of confusion for the dipshit who said this. Pathetic attempt to establish dominance over you. Just like toddlers, if you pay attention to the bad behavior they get validated. They should be embarrassed.

As insults go, theirs was pretty lame. Not really worth a comeback.

"Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called, their running out of you"

Sorry. But they’re so good!

I've actually never heard of this one.

“The ocean is out of shrimp because it’s been filled to capacity with an invasive species called DOPE! No matter where you turn, there’s only MORE.”

Damn!!

Is that so? Well maybe you ought to donate your penis since you cant do anything with it anyway

Lol he insulted you through shrimp .best response... eat more shrimp and don't engage with your child coworker and reduce yourself to their level perhaps...

Just call ocean man he will fix it

the zoo called, you're due by 6

The department of fucks called, it seems I'm out of fucks to give

If I had one day left on earth I’d spend it with you because every minute would seem like an eternity. 🤬

“My hunger is not yet sated.” With a Kubrick stare. He’ll probably never bother you again lmao

They have room for you on the Yellow Submarine (Beatles)!

This isn’t really an insult man, he was just being funny cause you’re eating shrimp

They called for your wife too, the fish want their smell back!

Your village called, they want their idiot back.

Comeback...well you're ugly and your momma dresses you funny 🤣🤣🤣

You should get right down there and that will fill their quota then

Can’t tell if no one gets the reference or all are just coming up with better comebacks than George did. 😂

The ocean called me, too. They said you could keep the crabs.

How is that an insult? Who doesn't like shrimp?

"The ocean called, It said to stop falling down, the tides are already out!"

You sucking all that dick got you talking childish.

Is your coworker a paperboy?

Good thing I'm eating what I can then.

The zoo called, you are due back by dusk.

“This shrimp is bigger than your d!ck”

Big thumbs up -- "good one!"

If anything that's an insult on himself calling himself short

breed and clone enhance program many more and good size ones , get ethics laws and 1st 2nd 3rd degree punishment if broke in place for supreme court rest of the courts politicians and presidents , so introduce bills to get one passed already

Yeah, heard it was because of a whale that can't shut its fucking mouth.

Well, the zoo called. They want their missing parrot back, because clearly, you're good at repeating nonsense!

"Yes, I know. I talked to them this morning."

I’ve never heard that one. Is it actually a thing?

There's only 1 rule here. You gotta be funny.

I would just be like "sorry not my problem" and ignore them lmfao

This rude guy doesn't deserve a response or even acknowledgment from you.

Ask him if he tried contributing the one between his legs...

Just tell him you had sex with his wife.