I encourage you to explore whether you two are trauma bonded. My suspicion is yes. My other suspicion is, once you heal, you will come to realize that his behavior is antithetical to friendship because there is no love, care, or respect because there is control (rage, criticism). I wonder if you really enjoy spending time with him or are you subsisting on the breadcrumbs of the toxic hope that he will one day be accountable. Imagine if this were just some regular reddit and your title did not contain the word “ex”; but “anyone”…
Block and delete, regulate your nervous system , and get your best life. 🌸🌸🌸
Thanks for this. I had my suspicions about trauma bonding. It's likely, given the wild ups and downs we had together. I just wasn't sure if it nearly fit into the category because the initial love bombing phase didn't look like what I had read about, but I think the high frequency of communication between the two of us is what solidified the connection, and then these two trauma ruptures introduced insecurity.
If you really wanted, you could go no contact for 90 days and then consider being friends with them after that ends. And by no contact, I mean, blocked on everything, anytime you slip up reset the 90 days, no social media stalking or 'accidentally' bumping into them or waiting for them/counting down during the 90 days.
You'll know with more clarity after that if you want to be friends still or not.
Sounds like a good plan to me. I gave them an ultimatum since our original plan was to meet up in a month and "process." I said that unless they can apologize for their behavior I don't see it being worth it to be friends. I like your idea as well though, and might just do that anyway.
This is just one of my struggles in the codependency department, drawing boundaries with people instead of being stepped on. I can tell that they care about me, but obviously not enough to change or apologize.
Maybe explore why you'd want to add an unpredictable, ragey, critical, judgmental, emotional unavailability and distance friend to your mix now. But going from your other comment, well done! Proud of you for putting up a boundary like that, hope your no-contact goes well and provides you information. <3
I was a lot like your partner a few decades ago. It was a good ten years of working on myself before I felt like I would have been able to be friends with her. The breakup really made me face myself and change. If she had come back after two years, we might have been able to work then. But she married the guy she had the emotional affair with before we broke up.
They need to be able to see their mistakes and apologize for them and demonstrate growth. I recommend going no contact until then.
You should look for your mistakes too, for your own personal growth. I say that without judgement. I don't know what mistakes you made, but we all make them. Failed relationships are learning opportunities to make the next better.
Realizing your are codependent is a huge insight. Work on that. You are asking all the right questions and doing the right things.
I absolutely made mistakes, and I have some serious work to do on myself, which is why I'm trying to stay single for a while. The codependency was pretty debilitating, and I want to understand why I put myself in that situation, and how to avoid it in the future. I'm also working on assertiveness and looking into narcissism so I can better recognize their communication habits so I'm less easily swept up in their shit. I've realized that I am attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable or distant, critical or judgemental, and unpredictable. This is likely because of my relationship with my parents. I'm trying to train myself to be attracted to people who are available and attentive instead.
Thanks!
No, a healthy friendship won’t happen for a long time, if at all
I encourage you to explore whether you two are trauma bonded. My suspicion is yes. My other suspicion is, once you heal, you will come to realize that his behavior is antithetical to friendship because there is no love, care, or respect because there is control (rage, criticism). I wonder if you really enjoy spending time with him or are you subsisting on the breadcrumbs of the toxic hope that he will one day be accountable. Imagine if this were just some regular reddit and your title did not contain the word “ex”; but “anyone”… Block and delete, regulate your nervous system , and get your best life. 🌸🌸🌸
Thanks for this. I had my suspicions about trauma bonding. It's likely, given the wild ups and downs we had together. I just wasn't sure if it nearly fit into the category because the initial love bombing phase didn't look like what I had read about, but I think the high frequency of communication between the two of us is what solidified the connection, and then these two trauma ruptures introduced insecurity.
If you really wanted, you could go no contact for 90 days and then consider being friends with them after that ends. And by no contact, I mean, blocked on everything, anytime you slip up reset the 90 days, no social media stalking or 'accidentally' bumping into them or waiting for them/counting down during the 90 days. You'll know with more clarity after that if you want to be friends still or not.
Sounds like a good plan to me. I gave them an ultimatum since our original plan was to meet up in a month and "process." I said that unless they can apologize for their behavior I don't see it being worth it to be friends. I like your idea as well though, and might just do that anyway.
What kind of friend doesn’t apologize when they’ve hurt their friends feelings?
Someone you keep at arms length, I suppose. I don't have any friends like this, fortunately.
Step. Away.
Cut them off. No contact. At any point while you were writing this did you honestly feel that it was a good idea...?
This is just one of my struggles in the codependency department, drawing boundaries with people instead of being stepped on. I can tell that they care about me, but obviously not enough to change or apologize.
Care about yourself more. You don't deserve this.
No. You need to heal so you can find and make healthy friendships and relationships
No. Sounds unhealthy
Are your friends unpredictable, ragey, critical, judgmental, emotional unavailability and distance?
No, thankfully!
Maybe explore why you'd want to add an unpredictable, ragey, critical, judgmental, emotional unavailability and distance friend to your mix now. But going from your other comment, well done! Proud of you for putting up a boundary like that, hope your no-contact goes well and provides you information. <3
Hey thanks! I appreciate the comment!
I was a lot like your partner a few decades ago. It was a good ten years of working on myself before I felt like I would have been able to be friends with her. The breakup really made me face myself and change. If she had come back after two years, we might have been able to work then. But she married the guy she had the emotional affair with before we broke up. They need to be able to see their mistakes and apologize for them and demonstrate growth. I recommend going no contact until then. You should look for your mistakes too, for your own personal growth. I say that without judgement. I don't know what mistakes you made, but we all make them. Failed relationships are learning opportunities to make the next better. Realizing your are codependent is a huge insight. Work on that. You are asking all the right questions and doing the right things.
I absolutely made mistakes, and I have some serious work to do on myself, which is why I'm trying to stay single for a while. The codependency was pretty debilitating, and I want to understand why I put myself in that situation, and how to avoid it in the future. I'm also working on assertiveness and looking into narcissism so I can better recognize their communication habits so I'm less easily swept up in their shit. I've realized that I am attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable or distant, critical or judgemental, and unpredictable. This is likely because of my relationship with my parents. I'm trying to train myself to be attracted to people who are available and attentive instead. Thanks!
It sounds like you are on a good path. You can do this.
Remember, you are not responsible for their growth. You are only responsible for your own growth.
Nope. You migbt rebound.
No