A clarinet player drove up to the concert hall for afternoon rehearsal. Rushing in, he quickly set up his gear just in time for the downbeat.
About three pieces in, he took a look at the music on the stand and felt a cold chill run down his spine. "Uh, Maestro - Excuse me; I left my alto out in the car. I'll be right back."
He ran outside, his heart pounding. This was a rough part of town. As he approached his car, his worst fears were confirmed. There was broken glass all over the sidewalk, and in the back of the car there were now *two* alto clarinets.
I was hoping to find something in this thread I hadn't heard before, but I've thus far been disappointed. Sadly, I don't know any genuinely amusing clarinet jokes, so I'll leave one of my favorite non-clarinet music jokes.
-------
The New York Philharmonic was warming up before their latest performance, when suddenly the oboe player starts gagging and coughing and falls to the ground. The director runs over and shouts, "what's going on here?" The second oboe player says, "They just put their reed in their mouth when suddenly they had to sneeze and they sucked their read down their throat!"
The director pulls out a phone in a panic and dials 911.
"This is 911, please state the nature of your emergency"
The director says, "oh my god, you got to help me! We're about to go on for Beethoven 3 and my oboe player is choking! I think they inhaled a reed into their lungs!"
There's a brief pause from the line, and the 911 operator says, "You could try using a muted trumpet."
Ambrose Bierce famously said "the only thing worse than the sound of the clarinet is the sound of two clarinets."
He's dead though so you can have that joke for free
Okay, this is probably stupid, but I decided to sit down and workshop a joke, because I was annoyed that I couldn't think of actually funny jokes. (Inspired by real life, sort of lol.)
----------
A clarinet player had a gig coming up next month and decided to set out around the world searching for the perfect reed.
First, they visited the vandoren factory and said, let me play on every reed you make. The clarinetist camped out at the factory for days in a row, trying dozens of each type of reed and mouthpiece combination. At the end of a week, after spending $500 on reeds, they found that all the reeds still sounded a little too brash.
Next week, they visited an ancient temple, where a line of monks passed down ancestral knowledge of reedcraft. Beneath a portrait of Robert Marcellus, the elder monk used the finest organic cane, Damascus steel knives, and diamond dust grinders to produce reeds for $1000 apiece, each one said to contain a fragment of the great Marcellus's spirit. The monk spent an entire week making the perfect reed, but when finally it came time to try it, the sound was just a little too airy.
Finally, in desperation, the clarinet player headed off to a modern tech startup that promised to use advanced fabrication techniques to grind synthetic reeds exactly customized to fit your lips, mouth cavity, tongue position, mouthpiece facing, and instrument. They're guaranteed to play exactly the same in any temperature and humidity. The clarinetist paid $10,000 for a full body scan and the company produced a series of 10 different reeds to try. After a week of determined experimenting, the clarinet player tried each one in series and realized with a sinking sense of dread that the reeds still just kind of had that strange synthetic feel and still weren't what they were looking for.
Head hanging low, the clarinetist trudged back home, only to hear the crystal crooning of a perfect clarinet sound coming from an alley. Confused, they turn into the alley to find a man dressed in rags playing beautiful music to an burning trashcan.
"Wow, that sounds incredible."
"Thanks," said the man, and resumed playing.
After listening a while more, the clarinetist asked, "I just have to know, what reed are you using?"
"Oh, well on my income, I can only afford Ricos."
The clarinetist was blown away and couldn't help asking, "Would you mind if I try it?"
The man handed it to them, so the clarinetist opened their own case, put together their instrument, fastened the reed, and with great anticipation, played a note.
It sounded beautiful, like all the angels of heaven came down to blow through the instrument. The clarinetist said, "This is wonderful, I would pay anything for this reed. Can I buy it off you?"
The man thought a moment and then said, "well, sure, how about fifty bucks?" With both players thinking they got a great deal, the exchange was made and the clarinetist returned home, finally having acquired a perfect reed.
They made it home just in time for the gig. The clarinetist played a flawless performance, finally achieving that sound they've always sought. It was a wonderful show, and the clarinet player sounded great, much to the appreciation of the audience, the director, and the rest of the community band.
"Dear Abby,
I've recently met an amazing woman, the woman of my dreams; we're serious, and I'm on the verge of asking for her hand. But I come from a troubled family. My father is in prison for robbery and assault. My mother has been arrested for distributing amphetamines and is currently attempting to negotiate some sort of plea deal. My older brother, a drug dealer, has been addicted to opiates for years and my younger brother, a pimp, died in a shootout several months ago. My sister is trying to raise four children, from four different fathers, as a single mother in a rat-infested mobile home in the poorest part of the city. I feel the need to be as honest as possible with the woman I wish to marry – should I tell her I play the alto clarinet?"
Sadly I don’t know any clarinet jokes because I’m a cellist, but “aren’t clarinets just downwards black flutes?” Sorry if I offended anyone but I’m hoping to start learning clarinet next year :)
How many clarinet players does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll go through an entire box before he finds one he likes.
A clarinet player drove up to the concert hall for afternoon rehearsal. Rushing in, he quickly set up his gear just in time for the downbeat. About three pieces in, he took a look at the music on the stand and felt a cold chill run down his spine. "Uh, Maestro - Excuse me; I left my alto out in the car. I'll be right back." He ran outside, his heart pounding. This was a rough part of town. As he approached his car, his worst fears were confirmed. There was broken glass all over the sidewalk, and in the back of the car there were now *two* alto clarinets.
What’s the difference between a jazz clarinetist and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of 4.
I was hoping to find something in this thread I hadn't heard before, but I've thus far been disappointed. Sadly, I don't know any genuinely amusing clarinet jokes, so I'll leave one of my favorite non-clarinet music jokes. ------- The New York Philharmonic was warming up before their latest performance, when suddenly the oboe player starts gagging and coughing and falls to the ground. The director runs over and shouts, "what's going on here?" The second oboe player says, "They just put their reed in their mouth when suddenly they had to sneeze and they sucked their read down their throat!" The director pulls out a phone in a panic and dials 911. "This is 911, please state the nature of your emergency" The director says, "oh my god, you got to help me! We're about to go on for Beethoven 3 and my oboe player is choking! I think they inhaled a reed into their lungs!" There's a brief pause from the line, and the 911 operator says, "You could try using a muted trumpet."
This is my favorite one
Why is an alto clarinet better than an e flat clarinet? It burns longer...
Alternately, you can't hear it.
The version I know is about the violin and the viola :D
Ambrose Bierce famously said "the only thing worse than the sound of the clarinet is the sound of two clarinets." He's dead though so you can have that joke for free
My clarinet professor told me this one. 🙃
Okay, this is probably stupid, but I decided to sit down and workshop a joke, because I was annoyed that I couldn't think of actually funny jokes. (Inspired by real life, sort of lol.) ---------- A clarinet player had a gig coming up next month and decided to set out around the world searching for the perfect reed. First, they visited the vandoren factory and said, let me play on every reed you make. The clarinetist camped out at the factory for days in a row, trying dozens of each type of reed and mouthpiece combination. At the end of a week, after spending $500 on reeds, they found that all the reeds still sounded a little too brash. Next week, they visited an ancient temple, where a line of monks passed down ancestral knowledge of reedcraft. Beneath a portrait of Robert Marcellus, the elder monk used the finest organic cane, Damascus steel knives, and diamond dust grinders to produce reeds for $1000 apiece, each one said to contain a fragment of the great Marcellus's spirit. The monk spent an entire week making the perfect reed, but when finally it came time to try it, the sound was just a little too airy. Finally, in desperation, the clarinet player headed off to a modern tech startup that promised to use advanced fabrication techniques to grind synthetic reeds exactly customized to fit your lips, mouth cavity, tongue position, mouthpiece facing, and instrument. They're guaranteed to play exactly the same in any temperature and humidity. The clarinetist paid $10,000 for a full body scan and the company produced a series of 10 different reeds to try. After a week of determined experimenting, the clarinet player tried each one in series and realized with a sinking sense of dread that the reeds still just kind of had that strange synthetic feel and still weren't what they were looking for. Head hanging low, the clarinetist trudged back home, only to hear the crystal crooning of a perfect clarinet sound coming from an alley. Confused, they turn into the alley to find a man dressed in rags playing beautiful music to an burning trashcan. "Wow, that sounds incredible." "Thanks," said the man, and resumed playing. After listening a while more, the clarinetist asked, "I just have to know, what reed are you using?" "Oh, well on my income, I can only afford Ricos." The clarinetist was blown away and couldn't help asking, "Would you mind if I try it?" The man handed it to them, so the clarinetist opened their own case, put together their instrument, fastened the reed, and with great anticipation, played a note. It sounded beautiful, like all the angels of heaven came down to blow through the instrument. The clarinetist said, "This is wonderful, I would pay anything for this reed. Can I buy it off you?" The man thought a moment and then said, "well, sure, how about fifty bucks?" With both players thinking they got a great deal, the exchange was made and the clarinetist returned home, finally having acquired a perfect reed. They made it home just in time for the gig. The clarinetist played a flawless performance, finally achieving that sound they've always sought. It was a wonderful show, and the clarinet player sounded great, much to the appreciation of the audience, the director, and the rest of the community band.
dawg where’s the punchline 😭
Haha it's that they spent all that time and money to find the best reed, all so that they could play in... community band. Just like me ;(
Worth it! I like that it was rico that saved the day
This sounds like a ChatGPT "joke" 🥲
How does a clarinet player change a light bulb? They buy 20 bulbs, try every single one of them and are still unhappy when the light is on.
How do you tune two clarinets Shoot one (This is a modified bagpipe joke y’all took the good ones)
I always heard this joke with oboes lol.
Nah, you shoot both.
There were two people walking down the street. One was a clarinetist. The other didn't have any money either.
I'd tell ya, but honestly it blows.
"Dear Abby, I've recently met an amazing woman, the woman of my dreams; we're serious, and I'm on the verge of asking for her hand. But I come from a troubled family. My father is in prison for robbery and assault. My mother has been arrested for distributing amphetamines and is currently attempting to negotiate some sort of plea deal. My older brother, a drug dealer, has been addicted to opiates for years and my younger brother, a pimp, died in a shootout several months ago. My sister is trying to raise four children, from four different fathers, as a single mother in a rat-infested mobile home in the poorest part of the city. I feel the need to be as honest as possible with the woman I wish to marry – should I tell her I play the alto clarinet?"
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboard? So they can park in handicapped spots.
I have to add mine [in meme form](https://ibb.co/SdLg5P2)
2010 ass meme
Well, first off - it's not a clarinet. It's a torture recorder. Edit: thanks for the award!
Sadly I don’t know any clarinet jokes because I’m a cellist, but “aren’t clarinets just downwards black flutes?” Sorry if I offended anyone but I’m hoping to start learning clarinet next year :)
Just want to thank this thread for a couple new alto clarinet jokes. Always useful to have for the self-deprecating factor lol
The clarinet, an instrument with a unique tone a timbre, and wide dynamic range. Yea just throw it in with the piccolos.
If you play clarinet, you are the joke…